the day/night/day before...
Sunday, July 1, 2007 09:06 p.m.

So...Saturday...spent the day recovering from the long ride to see Justin's ceremony...we just drove like 10 hours total to see a few parade marching thingees...but I missed my baby bro...so it was worth it.

I even ended up buying a portable dvd player...just because I was bored outta my head...anyways...it was a long trip.

BAD NEWS: Morrissey concert is postponed because Moz got sick....gah!!! I just hope he reschedules for a date where I'm not away on business...it would suck if he came back and I couldn't go...ugh...that's my luck though.

I had a weird dream about me being at a depeche mode concert...and I kept trying on all these track suits...and I finally decided on some weird Dave Gahan hoodie with like fluorescent colors...and I missed the whole concert...I think it has to do with the Moz show and the CCW song...because it reminds me of DM? hmmmm...

Worked out, finished up paper work, had dinner with the folks, and then went out pretty late...went to the bar to hang out with Steve for his coming home thing...

T was there of course and she looked so hot...anyways...met with some of Steve's friends...hung out with Will and T's friend Ed most of the night...and then met some skanky girls from Toronto...this one girl...super tall and cute and wearing shortshorts...she sat next to me and was rubbing her legs on my pants and acting all flirty and put her arms around me to take a picture...but I wasn't buying the whole act...I like a girl with brains...no matter how hot she was...I guess I've matured?

Anyways...drank a lot and hung out with T and met her sister...who seemed pretty conservative. Talked with Steve a bit...and wow...we've changed. He had some cute girls over too...this one girl Nao...she was cute and moved to be an actress...

A lot of it was a blur...but Steve and some of his friends left to go to Ktown...but I stayed behind to help T close up and we hung out a bit.

Took forever to close up...and I was around while the sun came up...and Ed sobered up and took off on his bike...and then I went to get breakfast with T...

Supposed to go over to her place on Tuesday...we'll see if that actually happens...but man, she needs to get over this guy and soon....me...I just need to find someone to divert my attention.

Anyways, I got home at like 9 AM ! And didn't get to sleep until 10ish...then up by 2 to work out...and then the kids came over and I watched 24 with Unca Alan...and we had pizza...oh man...I need to get back on my salads tomorrow.

So...I am exhausted and I could totally go to sleep right now...but I want to stay up until at least 11 or 12...and be up by 7 and out in time to get to work by 9 or before...wow...my first day at the new job...brand new career...and just...I hope the beginning of good things for me. I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to leave the past behind...I'm ready for something new.

Oh, Lord...help me through this new challenge. I'm nervous but excited...it will be good to be out and active again. I just need to get out of the house and do something productive...

So...new job...here I come. Hope I have a good first day.

changes?
Friday, June 29, 2007 12:10 a.m.

So...I was up until 4 AM talking to T (the bartender) and it was basically a pep talk for both of us. I don't know what she is thinking...but she is obviously not over her ex...even though it seems apparent that he just wants to be friends with her...who knows what is going on? In any case...we are getting along...and that's that. No more thinking...she needs a friend...and so do I.

Got up way too early...had breakfast...and then went back to sleep...got up and worked out...finished my freelance stuff, made some progress with my work paperwork...and then worked on some music also.

I ended up almost finishing the song I wrote about CCW...it's pretty cool. It definitely sounds very dancey...but I am totally digging it...I wonder if I should send it to her before it gets on the final album or...who knows.

And no lunch meeting with the boss tomorrow....no time...but he did email me and told me he is changing my title to "Sales Manager" in order to drive sales...I just hope that this doesn't mean that will be all that I am doing...but I'm not going to freak out until I get there and we figure out the details.

Since I'm not meeting him ...I'm gonna go to Albany with my mom to see Justin and his ROTC "Boy's State" Ceremonies...it's gonna be a long trip there and back...but should be good to get away for a little bit.

And T called me to say that her ex is going to be at some club she is going to...she's freaking out a bit...and I guess I'll be there for her if she needs a friend...but man...I just want to be able to have someone call me and want to talk to me...that is more than a friend for once...

Weekend is coming up fast...my freedom is over...am I ready to start working? Gaaah...the heat in the next few weeks is gonna drive me crazy...but I gotta keep my cool.

TGIF, kids.

dang...it's hot.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007 11:36 p.m.

Wow...got into the 90s and humid today...and SHEETS of rain also...what a crazy day.

Got up and out and went to the dry cleaners, got a haircut, came back and worked out, talked to the bartender for a bit...and I got an email from CCW...she thought I had blocked her on IM! HA! I wonder if she really cares or not...who knows what the heck she's thinking...and whether or not I should really make an effort to be her friend...

Weird thing is...I kind of know that the bartender tends to "talk circuitously" and I know what she is thinking...and then today she brought up the fact that before she was on the rebound and talked to this guy about her problems...they hung out, got along, and eventually ended up dating...um...I don't want to jump the gun...but I don't know if this would ever apply to me. I mean...circumstances are pretty similar...but whatever.

I do think she is hot...but I don't connect with her the way I did with CCW...and the next girl I want to end up with...I'm hoping we have that connection...where things are fun and easy and we have shared interests that aren't forced...ugh...all this makes me miss her more.

Stupid. Anyways, worked on freelance articles, paperwork for new job...gah...there's a lot of it...I gotta wake up early tomorrow and get my run and lifting in so I can concentrate on this stuff.

Top Chef: Padma Lakshmi is so frikkin hot...but I still think she is dumb...or it might just be the lazy way she talks...I dunno.

Not much else...I'm like halfway through 24 Season 3 already...damn...Jack Bauer is a badass mofo.

up all night...
Tuesday, June 26, 2007 05:37 p.m.

Wow...the past few days have gone by in a blur. Let's recount.

Sunday: Went off to Williamsburg to meet up with L. I wandered around Lorimer for a while and then we met up to go to a diner. Had some food and then we went to McCarren Pool. Got some beers and rocked out to Superchunk!

Superchunk opened with "Driveway to Driveway" and I nearly lost it...I haven't heard that song played live in like 10 years...played a bunch of older songs and their new single. Best parts were "Package Thief" (one of the first 'chunk songs I ever heard"..."Hello Hawk", "Hyper Enough", "Precision Auto", and of course "Slack Motherf**er"...man, that took me back...

Afterwards we walked around and went to Bushwick. Hung out at her place and then went to Life Cafe for dinner...walked past all these artists lofts that reminded me of Berlin...cool neighborhood...but a little too pretentious and artsy fartsy for me.

We listened to music and oddly...Margaret Cho...and talked...and tried to sleep...but too frikkin loud in her neighborhood. Ugh!! well, I realized that L might be a good friend now...nothing will ever ever happen between us...I don't think I would want it to ever. Just too different...and well, I guess I just don't have those feelings for her...but she is a good friend and fun when I'm in the mood for some thing of that flavor.

Anyways...I got home at like 10...and slept until like 2...got up to work out...and worked out for hours...and then T the bartender called and wanted to hang out...ugh...there goes my nap.

So I went into the city to meet her after her guitar lesson and we went to Ktown and got shabu shabu...though it was too hot for me.

Then we went to karaoke...for three hours. She does actually have a great voice and it was fun...but it was just another thing that reminded me of S...she even does this weird lip-smacking thing that S used to do...very odd.

Then we went for a bit of a walk, moved her bike, and got a snack. By the time I left it was 3 AM...gah...anyways, I got home and watched 24 until like 6AM and then slept until 1.

Tuesday: Just worked out for most of the day. Need to get started on my freelance assignment and the rest of my paperwork for the new job. Went to Target with my mom to get some boring things...and started to watch 24 Season 3... pretty much it I guess. It's hot and humid... don't really want to do much of anything today, really.

Time is ticking...oh man...I'm psyched to get started...hope I can do this. I need something to do.

show and weekend
Saturday, June 23, 2007 11:02 p.m.

So...I've just been spending my time working out. Still running like 15 or more miles a day and lifting like crazy.

Show went pretty well: K brought a friend, E from Boston and S, and her friend, H brought her friend (who was kind of rude, actually), L and her friend D, my cousin and his gfriend, and the bartender. Some random people came in and dug it...so it was cool.

Afterwards, ended up hanging with the bartender...left some of my stuff at her place, then we went to meet up with her friends for a bit, and then went to get some yakitori, and then coffee...and then hung out at her place for a bit. Her place is INSANE. The best apartment I have ever seen. HIGH ceilings, two floors, a rooftop, and she has all this insane stuff too. We are actually becoming good friends. She calls and texts me all the time now...and I guess misery loves company. Hung out until 530! I didn't get to sleep until like 7-730.

Got up relatively early at like 1...and then went to the city to run some errands. Met up with V and we went to Spice for dinner and a few places around the Village for drinks. Had a good talk...but basically, I learned she is just trouble! I am so glad I never liked her! She's adorable...but I swear she must be kinda evil or something...but she's my little sister in a lot of ways. Went to the bar and ended up seeing my friend Steve! He just got back to NY...so will have to catch up sometime. Bartender came in late...just said hi and had to leave with V. I got home at like 1...so not too bad.

Today...well, these past few days have been tough. I've just felt incredibly lonely...and I guess it's not a surprise considering what I've been through lately...and what happened 2 years ago. And yeah...I miss what I had...I missed the way things were when they were good...but I don't think I ever want to see her again. "S"...who knows what she is doing or where she is now...all I know is...I'm not part of her life...and she's not a part of mine.

Just kind of stuck in my head lately. I think the new job will help...I apologize for being distant and out of it. I haven't heard from some people in a while...so I'll be in touch soon. But I'm staying away from AIM for the most part (mostly because I am working out or whatnot) ...but I'll be back on when I get into the new digs.

Going to Superchunk free concert tomorrow with L...so it should be fun...then got some freelance and other stuff I have to take care of before the new job.

Sigh...I'm going stir crazy. I need stuff to do. What you up to?

same old...
Wednesday, June 20, 2007 11:42 p.m.

Ran some more. Lifted more weights. Practiced music. Watched 24.

CCW sent me and my other friend her resume to look over. Um...should I be a friend? Should I care...gah...why am I such a nice guy?

Talked to K a bit and she basically told me that I need to talk to her or get over it...or just completely write her off. And in the past...I've come to know her as a bit of a drama queen (we tend to stick together)...so I am going to take it with a grain of salt...I'm going to be uncharacteristic and just...let silence speak loudly. Let things lie the way they are for now. I have enough stress in my life at the moment.

Thanks to Eunice for telling me about the free Superchunk show this Sunday! I am definitely going to go...anyone want to come with? Laura lives nearby...so that might work.

Got some groceries...watched Top Chef...got my stuff ready for the show tomorrow...pretty much it. A bit nervous...I hope people come out...it's an anniversary...for the CD...and me getting over S...and well, I'd like people to be there so I can strut my stuff and not feel bad about myself....yeah, a little moral support would be great. And hot girls.

Sigh...yeah...I got stuff to do.

shuffle, shuffle
Wednesday, June 20, 2007 12:20 a.m.

Yup...another day of working out and playing music. Not much going on. Watching Season Two of 24...and just putzing around. Getting ready for the gig...and I should be getting ready for the job.

I did email CCW a job description today...she emailed me back saying that someone else had showed it to her just then. hmmmph.

Met up with Gloria for Korean food...and I got easily drunk on soju...(it might be the fact that I have been working out so hard and my metabolism and hydration levels are just way off...or just the fact that I am a cheap date.) anyways...had a good time...in a small way I hope it made up for missing her bday. I haven't been all that good with stuff like that lately...ack. Sorry.

And for the record...Gloria has the best shoulders...and the best boobs of anyone that I know. She does. And now everyone knows it.

Reading Fables ...and well, the fact that the Big Bad Wolf and Snow White are married...have 7 kids who are flying baby wolf/humans...and whose grandpa is the North Wind...well, that just blows my mind and I love it.

I got my ipod shuffle today (green) and it was 70 bucks (10 bucks off at Amazon sale)...it sounds pretty awesome...and I will use it for the summer and the gym...just because it is compact and pretty gosh darn sweet. I just hope I don't lose it.

Sigh. I need a girlfriend...almost every year...I fall for someone in May...and I am heartbroken by August. When does this cycle ever stop? When am I finally gonna stop whining about this? Can't someone help me already?

So the plan: keeping working out, do well at the new job, make some extra cash, feel good, look good, get the confidence up...and then...hopefully someone will come along...right now I am still hung up on CCW...and I hope that it works out...or that I get over it. Right now...I'm still pining away like the stupid idiot I always am.

Ugh...I make myself sick.

2 weeks and counting...
Monday, June 18, 2007 10:16 p.m.

Urrrgh. I am a work out monster. I have no idea why I am pushing myself so hard...but for the past three days I have been doing 2 sessions a day...running at least 15 miles a day on the elliptical...and doing insane amount of lifting. I just want to get into awesome shape for the rest of the summer and before I start the new job. Want to feel good and confident and ready to tackle whatever.

Got up early to go with my mom and Justin to the dentist...so he could get his braces off. Got some cheap dvds and then went to Harvest. My stomach has seriously shrunk lately...could not eat very much...and when I got home I felt guilty and worked out like mad....and then took a break...and worked out again.

Working on music and rehearsing for show on Thursday. I really hope a lot of people come...and I just need to be ok...cause not only is it 2 years ago that I released the CD...but 2 years since I've seen HER.

I don't want to believe she was the love of my life...I don't want to believe that we were supposed to be together...so I'm trying to look ahead...but I feel so much colder.

Even the CCW thing doesn't match up to the pain I felt back then...and this is still present. It still bugs me...but I'm still not giving up...I just don't know when or how to carry on. I'm being silent for once.

Anyways...not much else. Celebrity Fit Club did inspire me...Brat looks hot! Dang....and Tiffany...well, she was hotter back in the day.

I did order an ipod shuffle...since I found out that the new job has a gym in the building...so I'll have options later.

Not sure what the heck I am doing this week...might just be working out and watching TV I suppose...next week is when I have to get down and get ready for work...yeeesh.

Oh...by the way...I'm kind of avoiding AIM for the week...I ...I just don't know what to say to CCW if she is online...and I just feel like disappearing for a little bit from EVERYONE...I've just been overwhelmed these past few weeks with all the changes going on...I just need a little break. Sorry. For the people that matter....call or email...I'm still around.

so when is it enough?
Sunday, June 17, 2007 11:29 p.m.

More of the same. Worked out like crazy. Went 10 miles on the elliptical and then lifted. Did laundry, finished the last few episodes of Season 1 of 24 (I realized that I say "twenny" instead of "twenty" a lot...anyone else have this problem?) and took a nap.

Bunch of family and other random people came over. Finally got to see Justin...it's been way too long. Niu and Chi also came over...and Chris and Nina brought a bunch of people and some fried chicken. I was good! I gave most of the skin to the kids. Barely talked to my dad...but I did give him a shirt...and saw my grandpa for a while.

After they all left...I felt guilty and went for another 5 miles on the elliptical and did another set of weights...sigh. I just can't seem to lose weight fast enough. I think I've lost over 10 pounds in the past few weeks...my boxers and pants are significantly looser...but I doubt no matter how hard I try...I'll ever get like a real six pack...but I'm going to try.

Oh...the other "Ghost Rider" thing...Eva Mendes uses a Magic 8 Ball at one point...and the Magic Ipod Shuffle was something that CCW got me to do...sigh. It doesn't mean squat, huh?

In any case...hoping to hang out with people this week...play an awesome show on Thursday...(my voice is in incredible shape...surprisingly...I've been hitting the N a little hard lately because of the stress...but I guess all the weights and running have superseded that...weird.) and maybe go to Boston.

I just feel like I am on a weird edge....like I am just ready to combust. Maybe it's the adrenaline...maybe it's the heat of the summer...but I think it's the upcoming job and the girl thing that just have really affected me...it's weird. I'm just...off...but in a weirdly energetic way.

Yeah, still haven't replied to her little "thank you"...I'm not even sure what I would say at this point. I...I think I'm going to be uncharacteristic and be reticent for once...let's see if I can manage that.

Sigh...so, how are you? Let me know...I am getting lost in my crazy thoughts. Help me out here. What's on your mind?

Happy Father's Day. Big ups to Big Poppa. You know what I mean...

Saturday
Saturday, June 16, 2007 11:26 p.m.

Didn't really do anything fun...just relaxing at home and trying to gather my thoughts.

Worked out like crazy though. I did 2 elliptical sessions and ran almost 20 miles...insane. Lifted weights, played music, changed the strings on my guitar and it plays so much better...but may still need some adjustments.

Watched "Ghost Rider" and I thought it was awesome. So much better than FF...and the weird thing...there was this scene where it was "J & R FOREVER"...carved on a tree...and well those two letters are CCW's initials...ugh. And there were other weird little moments throughout the day that just remineded me of her...and it just bugs the crap outta me.

"Music & Lyrics" was pretty great too...and then I watched some of "planet earth"...and that was great too.

Cleaning up, putzing around...really not much of anything. Just getting used to the idea of feeling alone again. I've done this before...and I can do it again.

I think sometimes I prefer it this way...there isn't the emotional ties that bug me...and I just feel...kinda numb and cold. I hate having to think about someone and realize that they probably don't ever think about me at all.

I'm just done with this "feelings" crap. Who needs 'em.

Not much else going on today or tomorrow. I'm just gonna be around...running, lifting, getting out the frustration and letting the sweat and pain seem like I feel something again.

last day...
Saturday, June 16, 2007 01:42 a.m.

I woke up at like 6:00 and couldn't go back to sleep. Just way too much on my mind.

Got to work at like 9:30 and had work to do until noon. Then went out with C,K, and CCW for lunch. It was pleasant but a little weird. I can barely make eye contact with her because it actually...hurts. I hate feeling like this.

Anyways, made my rounds, sent my goodbye email, and lots of people responded...it was funny. Lots of hugs and promises to keep in touch and the like...but we'll see what happens in a few months.

C got me a gift card...really sweet of her. She even teared up. She walked me down with CCW...and then I went to Duane Reade with her to pick up a prescription of eye drops? She said she thought about getting me a goodbye card...but thought that was weird. Ok...and then we went outside.

So, I said I wouldn't say a thing to her...and I kept my promise. I gave her the compass ring. And said "so you don't get lost"...exit stage left...and I just kept walking and never looked back....LIKE THE PIMP THAT I AM!!! She called me a minute later and left a voice message.

She said she was speechless and it was awesome. She even sent me a pic message with her hand with the ring...and a note saying "thank you"...but I never responded.

But nothing has changed. And I feel like an idiot...mourning the loss of what I never had. It's silly and I know that in a short time...this will all be a memory. I really don't know what the future holds. I know I will see her again...she has a bunch of my dvds that she knew she had to return...but forgot. She even reminded me! I totally forgot too...but maybe she still wants to keep me on a chain...maybe there is a glimmer of hope?

If there was...I don't know if I would wait for her to make up her mind. I don't want to miss any other opportunities that may present themselves. I just know that I've been here before...and I will move on.

So I took a long walk from Union Square to meet up with Jen T. Had a lot of time to think and to say goodbye to the last year and a half of my life. I made some really great friends...and I also had an insane roller coaster ride also.

Went to Garage for an EXPENSIVE meal..but it was good and I needed to have some real food for once. We talked about the guy in her life...and I filled her in on what was going on with the girl who could have been in mine. Met up with her cousin Karen (from Australia) and we went to see FF. And then the universe just hit me with...I can't even explain.

Within an hour...this is what happened. CCW told me randomly today that she was born in St. Vincent's hospital...and we walked by it! I had no idea! Then JT told mer her cousin is doing work at an eye clinic...hello...random eye drops??? And then we got to the movie...and the previews...GOLDEN COMPASS...followed by Die Hard...which Kevin Smith is in ?!?!? (we talked about why I liked CCW and I explained the KS tie...so weird) and then even more random things.

I was talking to a coworker about Meerkat Mansion...and there was an ad. The guy Jen T likes is a former Marine...so I said "Semper Fi"...FF had the same line! That and there was even more I can't even begin to remember...it was just like the universe was telling me something...

Not sure if this is a case of closure...of deja vu...or of things to come. God is the greatest writer...and foreshadowing...is a tool.

Anyways, the movie had great action...lame acting...stupid campy parts...but it was enjoyable...and Silver Surfer was badass.

Went to Pinkberry after...and I love it when I can tell a girl is checking me out. It makes me feel good. I guess the working out is noticeable now. Well, it was a long day and a long night...and I should be passed out...but I just feel so uneasy and weird.

Change is good. I need change...I need a lot of things. And I know that God will provide.

Talked to Doris briefly...her poor joints. Long story.

So...I have two weeks of freedom. Music, working out, hanging out. Guess that's all I can ask for. Rest...relax...then get ready for the new.

Looking ahead...that's what I need to do from now on. The past can't hold me anymore. Keep saying that until I believe it.

penultimate
Thursday, June 14, 2007 11:38 p.m.

A day of doing not much of anything. Cleaned out some emails and pretty much it.

Went to meet V for lunch down by her job. She desperately needs to get out of what she is doing now...and hopefully her brother and her dad can help out. She is adorable...still looks like mini-Alba...and like 15 years old. Punkass.

After work...headed over with K to the bar...which was a dump. Had drinks. Brendan and Brandon came...then Jennifer, PG, D, EN, Sara,B,and CCW...and some Australian guy put in MUSE on the jukebox and kept saying I had good taste in music.

Grace came by and told me what she is working on...I am so proud of her...and Joyce came by later. Had a good time and got a bit buzzed.

CCW was like "Are you mad at me?" and I was like ..."I ain't saying crap...I already said too much." And she was trying to be cute and all that...but I was just...ugh.

We were walking down the street and then she was like "Are we cool?" ...again...nothing. I shoved her a little on the street...and that was that really. Clink glasses...not talking really.

I think she is being ridiculous. And I'm just sick to my stomach thinking how much I actually care...but I really, really want to fight it. This isn't doing me any good. I need to get on with it.

Anyways, had a good talk with Joyce as we went to another bar...didn't stay very long. All in all...it went by in a blur and we were on the train by like 10...went with K and R to BK near us...and had a good talk with her and R...and I'm trying to keep everything in perspective.

I have a great job opportunity coming up, I look good, feel good, I have some extra money, have lots of people to hang out with...but why am I so miserable? Am I that scared of change?

And yes, I've been a bad friend and haven't been attentive to other people's needs at the moment. But I ask for forgiveness...if you read this blog...you know how much is going on in my head at the moment. I just feel a little lost and overwhelmed...and tomorrow...well, my final act...I'll write more about it after it's done...and after that...if there is a glimmer of hope...well, we'll see. If not...I've got to prepare myself for a different tomorrow.

TGIF...pray for me...as I exit. And hopefully, look for something brighter in the days ahead. I should be thrilled? Yes? Sigh...I need to stop being such an idiot.

almost done...
Wednesday, June 13, 2007 11:18 p.m.

Wrapping up stuff at work. Edited the last few pages...and a few outstanding things...but for the most part my last project is done. So weird.

Got comics and then went to pick up K...walked over to the mall to meet up with C and CCW. We just talked about silly things like movies and what not...and I'm trying to be normal around her...but we can barely make eye contact still...ugh. Why is it still so weird?

Ran into L for a second...but that was really it. I just don't get the same charge around her as I do when I am around CCW...and it bugs me. How do I move on from this?

I can keep lying to myself...I can keep filling my social calendar...but in the end...I have feelings for someone that doesn't feel the same. And it just sucks.

Anyways, going away drinks tomorrow. I'm really thinking about how all of this is going to turn out...if we are going to talk about it...or just let it lie the way it is. I'm thinking...that I just get in trouble the more I talk...and I should just shut up and be her friend for the moment.

If she really is my "Pam"...and I am her "Jim"...well, then maybe things will change in the future...but for now...it's me and my injured pride and hurt feelings.

Got "Ghost Rider" ...came home...worked out...played some music. Got my stuff ready for tomorrow. I am totally suiting up. I'm gonna look good and maybe...maybe I can feel good about myself and realize that I am on the brink of something great...

I've got the job thing settled...now how do I take care of the girl situation? There's always that same, stupid, perpetual blue chick.

Well, Friday...hanging out with Jen T...maybe brunch on Saturday with Gloria, maybe hang with Grace Saturday or Sunday ....and then next week...we'll see what happens then.

what the heck am I doing????!?!?
Tuesday, June 12, 2007 11:48 p.m.

Finishing up stuff at work...and then I decided to email this Asian girl I was friendly with...and we ended up having lunch.

Turns out that she is Christian, has an MFA in Creative Writing, likes comics, just moved to NY a few months ago...and is Korean. Hmmm. Anyways...we had a good time and she brought up how she wanted to see Transformers...

And I emailed her and asked her to go...so I guess we are going to see it in July?

I barely know this girl...so I'm trying to keep it friendly. We emailed back and forth a few times...she says she gets emotional and cries at movies...and silly things like Pokemon episodes. Cute or...? Let's just call her "LK"

Anyways...I'm not sure what to do about CCW now...things just haven't been the same and it seems silly to bring anything up. I don't even think she will miss me when I am gone...or care at this point. I think it may be time to let go.

I even wrote a song tonight about the whole situation...real indie kind of feel to it. Need to work on it some more.

Came home...DVDs in...and worked out, played music, new song about CCW, worked out some more...and freaked out a bit. Why does it have to feel so weird?

And going away drinks on Thursday...and then...that's it...who knows what is going to happen.

Lord, help me through this weird stress. I just want to feel good and happy and hopeful...just...I can't even describe what I want anymore. Keep me in your prayers, kids. I need it. My head is a mess.

surprises...
Tuesday, June 12, 2007 10:57 a.m.

Well, work was actually kinda busy. Wrapping up a lot of stuff here. Had lunch with K in the food court and walked her back to her office.

After work...went to St. Mark's to hang out with the bartender...met her at SingSing and we karaoke-d for like 45 minutes. She sang Amy Winehouse and some 80s stuff...made her sing "Naughty Girls" and it was awesome...she has a fantastic voice. WOW...I was impressed. Then she got a phone call from the bar...and I sang some Iron Maiden to pass the time...

Anyways, she had to stop by the bar because they were having some problems...so I went with her to take care of some stuff. Then we went to get bubble tea and had a good talk about things that are going on... still getting over the guy ...and it's affecting her.

And then we went to go shopping for tea leaves...and wandered around and looked at tattoos...she wanted angel wings on her lower back...HOT!

Then we went to 7A for a late dinner and talked a little more...and she had to move her motorcycle across the street. She was so cute...and badass at the same time. She's close to her family and she's not as wild and as crazy as you'd think. She wants to settle down and start a family...and I totally flirted with her...but we are friends for now. Supposed to hang out at all hours sometime when I am off...we'll see.

Anyways...the whole angels, "duo karaoke", the bike, the tattoo, the hair, the nails...all of it reminds me of S...so it was a bit surreal to think of that through the whole night.

Other strange things. My friend Vicky told me she would be at a bar in the area...I stopped by earlier and she wasn't there...but then when we left 7A I ran into her! She grabbed my face and gave me a huge kiss on the cheek...which she never does...and she got kinda hot. weird.

And when I got home...my neighbor was in the lobby and needed to borrow some money. I gave her a twenty...and she grabbed my face and gave me a kiss on the cheek...damn.

Anyways...home and unconscious by 2AM.

Oh...there is this new Asian girl in the office that I spoke to a few times...she has an MFA too...and we never got a chance to talk really...but I asked her to lunch...and we are supposed to meet up later today. Wow.

And the "lingerie/comics girl" ...might have a boyfriend...ugh. Not sure of the exact details...but I guess it will be confirmed when I meet up with her next week.

Full day...and now waiting for my last batch of pages. Had a talk with our boss and she wished me well. Seems like word has spread and everyone knows...and people just come up and talk to me...and I have no idea who they are sometimes. Weird.

It's been such an odd week...and an odd month. More suprises to come...I'm sure.

WTF?!?!?
Sunday, June 10, 2007 10:20 p.m.

I seriously hope that this means there is going to be a movie. I am stunned....is that it? Too many loose ends! I thought my cable went on the fritz...but...but. I am just speechless. What is going on!??!?

I bet the blogosphere is imploding right now.

WOW...was that the worst ending ever?!?!?

weekend.
Sunday, June 10, 2007 06:45 p.m.

So, went out to Ktown to meet up with Kaori, Diana, and Gil...and we had perfect timing and ended up getting food. Talked a bit...and found out that Diana is pregnant also! WOW...three of my close girl friends from HS are pregnant at the same time. Mindblowing. Gil is in NY for a while...and we should hang out soon.

Went to pinkberry to try this yogurt that I kept hearing about...and it was ok. Was feeling so sleepy and tired that I didn't end up hanging out with Doris or Eunice...and just went home to work out a little and then ended up crashing at 10!

Oh...so apparently I missed Gloria's bday and Jen T's bday...guys I am so sorry! We'll get drinks soon and hang out. Just a lot on my mind with the job and the whole girl thing...ugh.

Sunday: Got up super early and was going to work out...but ended up dropping Justin and his friend at church...and then went to Costco with the folks. Got a bunch of healthy food...came home...ran an hour and barely broke a sweat...so weird. Finished "Mirror Mask"...awesome visuals...but the story was ...eh. "Catch & Release"...just ok...Kevin Smith was the best part of the movie...and all in all..it was something I could have passed on.

Anyways, worked out more and getting ready to go into the office for my last week. Very odd feeling that...and well, I have to think about what I am going to do with CCW. I still want to take her out to dinner...but is it worth the hurt and embarassment if she says no...and doesn't even want to consider it when I leave? I dunno...

Well, supposed to hang out with the bartender tomorrow. She just called...not sure if it's to make plans or to cancel...but she has to call me back in a sec. We'll see...and my cousin gave the dog a hair cut...and he looks uglycute and scrawny.

oh...Sopranos last episode tonight! So...sad...but I can't wait. I'm sure I will update in a few hours. So...double blog tonight!

wow...
Friday, June 8, 2007 10:46 p.m.

Ok...let's skip to the good part where I went to KGS to meet my new boss for lunch. We talked and he seems like he really does not want anyone to screw HIM over...he believes in loyalty and hard work and will reward that. So...he tells me that:

I will get my own office.
I will get a corporate card.
I will have 9-5 hours mostly.
I can go to any convention/trade show if there is a possibility of business.
I get summer hours!
I'm not expected to generate ANY revenue this year...but need to look toward 2008.
I will get to go to London in September
I may get a chance to go to Vegas too.
My bonus...not as much as I thought...but 8% of salary...but if we do well...I will be taken care of.
There are other ways to get compensated...perks, etc...

Wow...this is awesome. This is the big time for me. He said that the other guy on our team got promoted in 18 months and is moving to London...so things move fast and it is very high profile. I'm scared...but so excited too.

And he says he used to live vicariously through the other guy's dating life...and he loves Sopranos and Bruce...wow, I'm gonna get along with my boss great! This is just...awesome. I cannot wait to get started.

And as for the rest of the day...CCW told us about Ipod Magic Eight Ball...you ask a question...and hit shuffle...and the song is the answer. K asked if CCW and I would ever get together ..."God Only Knows"...what I'd be without you....so is that a good thing?

After work...got some great dvd deals...(also got some shorts)...came home early and got my elliptical and I built it...it's AWESOME...so smooth and so much quieter! Less than 150 bucks! Cool...

Then...the bartender called me...whoah...her ex came over and he took a shower and left...and she is bewildered...the guy didn't even care about her feelings. I mean..yeah...she looks like S a bit...but she seems like such a genuinely sweet person who just wants to be loved. I feel bad for her...and I guess I just want to be her friend...weird. I used to think she was so hot and whatever...but now...I just want her to feel better...because I know how she feels.

And the lingerie girl...she wrote me to say that I should pick anyday the following week to get together..cute thing is...she said it would give her time to watch a movie I suggested to her. Hmmm...if she has a boyfriend...ugh. But still...supercute and loves comics and movies? WOW...

But yeah...I'm still kinda hung up on ...CCW. HER...she makes me laugh...and I miss the flirting and the comfort of that...and it's just weird now. I don't know if this is ever going to change...I don't know if my feelings will change...but I know that things MUST be different than the way they are now.

This job is going to change my life...this job could lead to so much more. I am so thankful for this opportunity...I just want to do right by it.

Anyways...a big SORRY!!! to Gloria...I've just been so caught up in my head that I totally forgot her birthday. I am so sorry! Happy Birthday...I'll buy you drinks sometime next week! You know I love ya !!!

Ok...waiting for my momma, aunt, and grandparents...family should be coming soon...then off to the airport. Man, I'm beat. TGIF...AGAIN!

what have I gotten myself into?
Thursday, June 7, 2007 10:10 p.m.

Work was ...nonexistent. I did nothing all day. Had lunch with Josh, Cheryl, and Karen at Cosi and got comics...and just sat around surfing the net. I talked to CCW a little bit...and it was still getting back to normal. Still odd.

After work...wandered around and went shopping for a bit. Got a few things. Got my dad a shirt for Father's Day...got a vest...DVDs, CDs, etc...good therapy. Went to Rice to meet up with Phil and Joyce. Had a good time...then got a drink with Joyce. Pretty much it...

And then I got home and got a reply from that cute girl that works at my friends' store...turns out she does want to meet up for drinks and talk comics. Um...does she have a bfriend? I have no idea...but I suppose she doesn't? Anyways..meeting up with her soon.

Work today...a few things...then went to Best Buy with Josh...and had lunch with H and CCW...and it was a little weird...but on IM I felt like we were getting a bit back to normal...I don't know how I feel about confronting her next week...but I feel like I still want to pursue this...

Walking back to work...and I see a truck go by with the word "ABER" in grafitti...and then literally 20 feet away...a car marked "Abe's Cars and Taxi's" turns the corner...and then CCW tells me that there was skywriting that had "KY" in it...is the universe saying something? Transition? Objects in motion. Weird.

And then..I guess I'm hanging out with the bartender on Monday...oh boy...and she invited me to some midnight concert tonight...but of course I can't go...but I guess we will hang out on Monday.

And then I took the train with K and it was cool...got home and found out the cute employee...wants to meet on Thursday...crap! I have my going away drinks that day...sigh...hope we can reschedule sooner.

Anyways...things are all coming together and I feel super busy and hectic...but I guess things are getting better. Tomorrow I have my business lunch...and then my mom, aunt, and grandparents will be arriving home.

Weird, stress, must work out to feel better. I am raging with testosterone, caffeine, and lack of sleep. Oy. Help me...wow...it's Friday already?!?!?

TGIF, kids.

what have I got myself into?
Thursday, June 7, 2007 10:10 p.m.

Work was ...nonexistent. I did nothing all day. Had lunch with Josh, Cheryl, and Karen at Cosi and got comics...and just sat around surfing the net. I talked to CCW a little bit...and it was still getting back to normal. Still odd.

After work...wandered around and went shopping for a bit. Got a few things. Got my dad a shirt for Father's Day...got a vest...DVDs, CDs, etc...good therapy. Went to Rice to meet up with Phil and Joyce. Had a good time...then got a drink with Joyce. Pretty much it...

And then I got home and got a reply from that cute girl that works at my friends' store...turns out she does want to meet up for drinks and talk comics. Um...does she have a bfriend? I have no idea...but I suppose she doesn't? Anyways..meeting up with her soon.

Work today...a few things...then went to Best Buy with Josh...and had lunch with H and CCW...and it was a little weird...but on IM I felt like we were getting a bit back to normal...I don't know how I feel about confronting her next week...but I feel like I still want to pursue this...

And then..I guess I'm hanging out with the bartender on Monday...oh boy...and she invited me to some midnight concert tonight...but of course I can't go...but I guess we will hang out on Monday.

And then I took the train with K and it was cool...got home and found out the cute employee...wants to meet on Thursday...crap! I have my going away drinks that day...sigh...hope we can reschedule sooner.

Anyways...things are all coming together and I feel super busy and hectic...but I guess things are getting better. Tomorrow I have my business lunch...and then my mom, aunt, and grandparents will be arriving home.

Weird, stress, must work out to feel better. I am raging with testosterone, caffeine, and lack of sleep. Oy. Help me...wow...it's Friday already?!?!?

TGIF, kids.

Come on, June!
Tuesday, June 5, 2007 10:42 p.m.

Well, May ended with some serious disappointment...but I cannot...I REPEAT...I cannot let this continue through the summer. Me and summer...not a good match...past few years all the really good and then EXTREMELY bad things have happened...check the blog archives if you want to rehash this crap.

Anyways, yeah...things really are not back to normal. I saw her for maybe a minute today. Highfived her...like we do...and my hand smelled like her lotion...and I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I need to get over this and soon. And do I really want to try this again? Is there any reason to? Do I care enough to embarass myself again? Well, I got a week and a half to figure that out.

And I kinda asked the bartender to go karaoke with me sometime...it doesn't qualify as a date...but it's more like two people who are upset and lonely ...hanging out...well, maybe? Who knows.

Ok...so I talked to our exec today...and she agreed that I should take the job. She said if it was only a money issue that they might be able to do something...but she knows how much I love pop culture etc...and if I have the chance to do it...wow. She wanted me to send her the first book I work on...we'll see.

And apparently news spread about me leaving...I was the last straw and some of the higher-ups realized that something had to be done or they would have no staff left...well, good to be where I am.

Made plans to meet with the new boss for lunch on Friday. He called me "dude"...wow...I hope the work environment is going to be that relaxed and that things will get done in a way I can handle. Gosh, I'm gonna really have to learn to manage people...maybe even yell...and you know my temper...slowburnandexplode...not good. Must let things out at an even keel!

Went home for dinner with dad and Justin...haven't seen either of them in a long time. It was very good and encouraging...things seem back to normal on that front.

And this working out thing. Wow...only a week and a half??? If I keep this up...it's going to be a new me. Must get that dang new elliptical! It better come by this weekend...I can't believe I am dying to run.

I really need some time to socialize. I need to be meeting new people and making connections for work and for...some nice girl out there. I want my life to get started already. This is supposed to be my big year of planning...next year is supposed to be the awesome year...so...looking forward to change. But gotta keep my head up, my heart tough, and my ballz ready for whatever comes this way.

I'm truly thankful to God...I honestly believe that He is the greatest storyteller...I'm hoping my story is getting good and that my redemption is on its way...that the healing progresses...and that I seek the right things in my life...keep me humble and contrite...but remind me that I am blessed.

Ok, Wednesday...it's another tomorrow.