freedom.
Saturday, April 2, 2005 12:54 a.m.

Wow...what an eventful day...it just totally zipped by...and I feel as if this huge turning point for me is just around the corner where things could be very good...or just incredibly bad.

Anyways... finished up the last of my major project...teacher's guide is all in and done. My team leader and Allison took me out to lunch at the sushi place...so I didn't get a chance to have burgers with Lisa...which sucks. But we did have a very pleasant lunch and all the tension just kind of melted away.

People are disgruntled and envious that I am leaving..some people I could care less about...but others I will really miss. Kathleen, Allison...and of course Lisa.

I got her a little thank you gift that I thought was just perfect. I randomly found a Tinkerbell cookie jar and I immediately knew I needed to give it to Lisa. First off, Lisa bakes cookies all the time...and I don't like spice cookies...but Lisa's are great. And the first time we really hung out was at the company's bowling party...and she was wearing a Tinkerbell t-shirt...so I called her "Tink" for all of ...30 seconds... but still.

In any case...after I made the rounds and said my goodbyes...I dropped off my present for Lisa...I just needed to get out of there because things were just feeling awkward...and Lisa well...she says she's "dead on the inside" (sound familiar? I told you we were meant to be friends!) so I didn't expect what happened.

I thought she was yawning...and I actually said "are you ywaning at me? Is that our goodbye"...I said no hugs and whatever because I knew we would see each other again...(well, I hope) anyways... it wasn't a yawn...she was actually crying. I was very touched...but I had to bolt. I couldn't take it.

God forbid Lisa ever snoops around and reads this...but it's no secret that I would not have lasted at this job without her. She was the one that really kept me sane. her jokes, her sarcasm, her intellect, all the cuteweird things she does and says, just her being goofy and cool...these things were my lifeline when I was about to go mad. I would literally not have been able to make it if it weren't for her.

Looking back at what I used to think of her..."the hot, bitchy girl"...I am so stunned at how wrong I was. I mean, of course I think she is gorgeous and funny and smart...but she's ultimately my friend, my pal. And like many before her and hopefully after... I just love her. She's really one of a kind and I hope for the best.

The way things have been for me in these past few years...I've just grown so wary of people...I've clammed up from how I used to be...and I wonder if opening up is a bad idea and if people are laughing at me behind my back...or even worse...planning to hurt me in some way. I don't know. I can't trust my own judgment anymore...but when it comes down to it...it's too late. I'm a sap...and Lisa knows this. We didn't really have much time together...but it was worth it...and I hope we will keep in touch.

So...anyways...off I go running into the night...I meet up with Eunice and we go see Sin City. What a friggin' cool movie. I've only read one issue of the comic...but the film was great...MIckey Rourke did an amazing job as Marv...wow...and Jessica Alba...hot dang! Great movie...just stunning. I can't wait for the dvd.

Best part was my belated bday present...Eunice got me the Dita Von Teese autographed photo! And it was personalized! It's aphoto of Dita in a top hat (with fishnets!) *nosebleed...so she looks like a magician...liek Zatanna...and it says "Dearest Abe, Happy birthday. May all your dreams ome true. Be a good boy or else! XOXO, Dita" SIGH... I love it. Thanks, babe...

Just exhausted and came home... Amy called and I just babbled on and on about how worried I am that I made another bad decision... these past three years...I've just made mistake after mistake...girls, job...all of it. I don't trust anyone...and I don't trust myself. God knows it can't go on like this much longer...and I pray it doesn't.

I really need something good to happen...where I can regain my faith in humanity and in myself again. I know that faith in earthly things is never going to work...but hope, hope is essential. I don't want to be hopeless anymore.

I'm trying to keep my eyes on things that are eternal...but it's so hard when it seems like the etheral is deteriorating so fast... I suppose this "suffering" is meant for greater glory...I want to have faith that it is.

Well, here's to weeks of uncertainty...weeks of doing things I've been neglecting...and time to think.

Thanks for being there and reading this whole mess. Let's hope it gets better.

TGIF. Oh, amen.

one day left!
Thursday, March 31, 2005 09:15 p.m.

They are seriously going to work me to the very, very last minute. Thought the last of what I had to do would be finished today...but a bit of a fiasco and I'll be working hard tomorrow. Lots of stuff left to do. At least my desk is pretty much all cleared out. That's a good thing.

Lisa is back from LA and she had a great time...apparently her friend writes and produces for Cold Case...so she got lots of perks...like craft services. In any "case"...she's home...and I'll miss her. She deserves an office. She deserves a better job.

Marco...funny guy....so weird how we are emailing all the time when we barely knew each other in high school. How odd. He's my gay-comic book-e-buddy.

Friendster is dumb. Has anyone "unfriended" you? Some girl I dated before...she did it. I don't know if I should be glad...or be angry...but I was the one that should have done that in the first place!

Not much else... I did learn that Blockbuster will basically take any dvd in for credit. Guess what I'm going to do next week. heh.

What's up with all of these major deaths? Apparently, one of Lisa's old coworkers OD'ed over the weekend...45 year old guy...how odd. And the Terry Schiavo case, Mitch Hedberg (comedian), and now the Pope is on ther verge? What's going on? Am I just naive?

Lighter things...Survivor...my baby almost got voted off tonight! But Steph is still in the game... I hope she wins...or Tom. He said "that's what I'm talkin' about!" when he caught (macheted) a shark tonight...hahahah...that's a NYer for ya.

Well, got a day left... gonna work...say goodbyes...and maybe some Sin City. WOW... I'm so nervous...and excited also.

If you've read my blog...you know that the past three years have been extremely hard on me. I've just made the wrong decision at every turn...whether it was girls, or the job, or just other little things...I feel like I've just been failing and failing...but God has a plan and I know I've been learning. I just hope that the light clicks and I'll understand in hindsight what all this was for. More glory, more humility...in all the right ways.

It's hard to keep faith when it seems that failure is just waiting... but Tim Keller said in the Easter message...our suffering leads to a better resurrection...how much greater is one's story of triumph when they have been through the worst... we all love that underdog/ rags to riches success story... the American Dream...the pursuit of happiness.

Amen.

TGIF... wow... more major change coming right up. Lord, help me be ready.

one day left!
Thursday, March 31, 2005 09:15 p.m.

They are seriously going to work me to the very, very last minute. Thought the last of what I had to do would be finished today...but a bit of a fiasco and I'll be working hard tomorrow. Lots of stuff left to do. At least my desk is pretty much all cleared out. That's a good thing.

Lisa is back from LA and she had a great time...apparently her friend writes and produces for Cold Case...so she got lots of perks...like craft services. In any "case"...she's home...and I'll miss her. She deserves an office. She deserves a better job.

Marco...funny guy....so weird how we are emailing all the time when we barely knew each other in high school. How odd. He's my gay-comic book-e-buddy.

Friendster is dumb. Has any

loads to do...
Wednesday, March 30, 2005 09:19 p.m.

yes...I only have 2 more days left! I know that the company will be doing better...but it's a little too late for that now. I'm sure that I'm not meant to be there...at least not now...but we'll see what happens later.

Last comic run with Kathleen... did some work and started cleaning out files. Last 2 days should be fine. Funny thing is K wants to set me up with her friend... heh...we'll see. Lisa is back from LA... stuff to tell me...I bet she had a good time... wonder if anything is up...she's been acting weird lately...hmmm.

Home to watch LOST...oh man...so many red herrings... Locke and "immaculate conception"...yeah right... Sawyer and his "headaches"...sure... and Boone getting hurt? I don't think he will be the one to buy it... come on! It needs to be sudden...the way they drag it out...I'm almost sure it's not him. And Locke..is he good or bad? Is Walter good or bad? Beats me... but I can't stop watching this dang show!

Reverie (live acoustic) is now on the website! Go check it out...

Have an interview tomorrow night late... I don't mind...it would be awesome to have something lined up so soon...but I'm not sure if I will be a good fit for this program... Are they looking for someone who is an accomplished, published writer? Beats me... I'll give it a shot. But I have to let them know about the concerts I have lined up...ack !

DC Countdown...the people in the "fun era" of JLA and "Formerly Known As the JL" are really in trouble...first Sue...now poor Blue Beetle...and Max is behind it all? COME ON! Why is DC picking on them?! All I know is that Hal is back! But GL is late...crap.

Sigh...lots on my mind...waiting to get on with it!

One of my friend's just up and took an "indefinite leave" from her job today...wow...this year has been such a major year of upheavals...what is going on with 2005? I hope things work out for the best.

2 days left! WOOOT!!!

just coasting...
Tuesday, March 29, 2005 08:40 p.m.

I'm just taking this week very easy...since the bulk of the last big project I have is basically done. Just some minor things to take care of ...and voila!

One of my coworkers is thinking of setting me up with a friend...ha! All these promises...tsk tsk.

Moz live CD is kick ass...and the Bravery CD should be in the mail... some really good stuff lately...but I'm going to skip on the new Beck for now. I have 4 free CDs from BMG coming to me.

I am such a Suzey Homemaker. I love Target and I love buying things for the apartment. Stupid things like lightbulbs and freezer bags. Seriously, what's wrong with me?

Anyone want to catch Sin City on Friday? I want to see it so badly now after I watched the promo DVD from Best Buy...it looks AWESOME.

Pray for the doorman at my workplace...his 18 year old son ...doesn't drink, doesn't smoke...had to be rushed to the emergency room with chest pains. So odd.

Jerry Falwell is sick. Johnnie Cochran died...and the massive earthquake and tsunami scare...craziness. God help us all.

Anyhoo...3 more days... I can't believe it. What am I gonna do with all that time ?

just coasting...
Tuesday, March 29, 2005 08:29 p.m.

I'm just taking this week very easy...since the bulk of the last big project I have is basically done. Just some minor things to take care of ...and voila!

One of my coworkers is thinking of setting me up with a friend...ha! All these promises...tsk tsk.

Moz live CD is kick ass...and the Bravery CD should be in the mail... some really good stuff lately...but I'm going to skip on the new Beck for now. I have 4 free CDs from BMG coming to me.

I am such a Suzey Homemaker. I love Target and I love buying things for the apartment. Stupid things like lightbulbs and freezer bags. Seriously, what's wrong with me?

Anyone want to catch Sin City on Friday? I want to see it so badly now after I watched the promo DVD from Best Buy...it looks AWESOME.

Pray for the doorman at my workplace...his 18 year old son ...doesn't drink, doesn't smoke...had to be rushed to the emergency room with chest pains. So odd.

Jerry Falwell is sick. Johnnie Cochran died...and the massive earthquake and tsunami scare...craziness. God help us all.

Anyhoo...3 more days... I can't believe it. What am I gonna do with all that time ?

MOZ!
Monday, March 28, 2005 08:28 p.m.

Just got "Who Put the 'M' in Manchester" the Morrissey live dvd...and it's awesome. My hetero-mancrush on Moz still goes on. He's just a cool bastich. I'm assured enough in my masculinity to say that I love him. His lyrics and sense of style (and sense of the absurd)...just appeal to me. The Smiths songs on the DVD are just amazing to hear... like when I saw him at the Apollo...just flat out awesome. Irony lives. Moz is the master.

Speaking of which...graphitti on the subway platform reads: "Call me and I will give you some p*ssy"...thus spake Queen Latifah and the Beautyshop poster...I've passed this little piece of popart for the past few weeks..just ridiculous...but the MTA apparently wanted to clean up and erased the offending word...why not the whole thing? Weird...only in NY.

Work...finishing up this last batch. I should be done by Wednesday...and then what? I'm just glad that things are winding down...now what?

Was a bit creative with cooking tonight... made a bunch of random things. One of the things that I must learn how to make is the sweet Japanese omelet thingee that they have at sushi bars...I forgot what it's called...but I need to learn how to make it.

Been reading this galley copy of Candace Bushnell's "Four Blondes"...gah...it's just pure drivel and chick lit...but it's funny to see the unedited copy... Bushnel spells "monkees" ...just like that...and apparently used a "find and replace" to change the name "Mark" to "Peter"...which left things like "superPeteret"...I was trying to figure out what that meant...but I think I might be right. Ctrl-F!

Sigh... gonna chill out to Moz singing "The Headmaster Ritual"...lalalalalaaadeeeeaaaay.

Four days left!

Easter Eve
Sunday, March 27, 2005 12:44 a.m.

Got up and had brunch before trying to do some work... did a bit and then decided to do some grocery shopping. Came back and got some stuff done.

Did laundry and made dinner and watched "The Passion of the Christ"... it was a very beautifully shot and dramatic film. The portrayal of the demon kids and the androgynous Lucifer... scary...And what people said about it being very gory...but man, it really got me.

I got all teary-eyed in several places. Mostly with the Mary and Jesus (when they were laughing when he built a table, and when he was little and she ran to him) scenes and some parts with the disciples...but I really lost it when the thief on the cross spoke to Christ...you know that part... it got me sobbing...just came out of nowhere.

I can't imagine any Christian (secular or born-again) who doesn't feel affected by this movie... I definitely would recommend it.

On a lighter note...the THRICE dvd was pretty boring...great, nice guys...but BORING...but the biggest surprise was that my brother was on the dvd! You can see Eric for a split second when the camera pans across the audience...the one we went to last summer in Boston.

Some bad news I heard about a friend...need to email her to confirm...ack.

Good news for me...interview with BT guy next week! I hope I get this job...anything would be good at this point. I just want to teach...do something I enjoy.

Well, better get to sleep and get ready for church tomorrow.

Happy Easter. God bless.

Good Friday
Saturday, March 26, 2005 12:37 a.m.

Just a surreal, weird day...it went by really quickly actually. Did work...hung out with Lisa a bit throughout the day. She's off to LA for her vacation. We got a chance to talk about the books that she is taking over...and I just got so flustered because I feel so bad.

Developing the product was hard enough...and if the freelancers don't do a good job...editing it will be a nightmare...and it's starting to sound like she might have to work weekends also...gaaah...I. am. so. sorry.

Went to meet up with Nicole for Good Friday service on the Upper West side...it was only a few blocks from her new apartment...I have not seen her in nearly a year! How crazy is that... anyhoo...she wants to set me up with a friend of hers...

Service was pretty good. I ran into Eleanor from high school! We sang songs, read Bible passages, prayed and there was a short message...but after that...there was this candle ceremony where the pastor put out a candle for each of Christ's 7 last sayings. This guy in the balcony used an overly dramatic voice to read...but the scariest thing was...it was completely dark after all the candles went out...and then there was LOUD cymbal and drum clashing (to represent the curtain being torn)...and it was SCARY!!!!

Anyhooo...after service...I had such a moment with Nicole. I think I may have blogged about this years ago... but sometimes when I read the Bible or when I sing hymns...I get the goosebumps and I always thought that was the Holy Spirit...or it was just goosebumps...and I was thinking that today...and Nicole said the EXACT SAME THING! wow.

Weird thing...we met at a Redeemer Bible Study...and became fast friends...and we never went back to the group! She was the one that introduced me to Wendy...and we've been through a lot...she gave me this big floppy eared stuffed doggy for my bday a few years ago... no one has given me a stuffed animal in years! Nicole! She's such a great friend...and if she can hook me up with a nice girl...even better!

I fasted all day and was feeling light headed...so I got some dinner and Nicole got a smoothie because she was eating with her bfriend later... but it was a good time.

Came home...watched a fascinating Biography eps. on A & E about the Bee Gees! WOW...they had an amazing career. Lots of great songs...much respect.

AND...I came home to find that I have an interview with the guy from Buzzer Thirty! Awesome! We'll see if anything comes out of it...

What a weird and wonderful day...so many thoughts about faith, the future, the past...and just the joy of being alive...the sacrifice of Christ...and the silliness of all our temporary worries.

Faith...I pray for more of it. I pray for more peace and more trust. It's going to be a tough weekend of work and figuring out what I'm going to do next...and Easter Sunday...lots to do...lots to think about...

It was a Good Friday. Amen to that.

weirdness all around
Thursday, March 24, 2005 10:14 p.m.

Just odd things going on.. first off my dad...he wants to learn the flute from his friend to be like Kenny G...and then I tell him it's a tenor sax...and it's gay.

Next, he's been listening to my cover of With Or Without You and he's trying to sing it for when he goes karaoking...first off...that song is like 2 octaves...and it's really hard to sing...and my Dad can't sing. But he was like "Wow, know I know how talented you are."... which is fine. But he's tortured my mom and Justin for three days with his singing before he gave up.

And there's more...he had a huge fight with Justin about math homework that left our baby sobbing. My mom was cracking up about it...and my dad took them bowling to make up for it. Too funny.

Lisa's been acting weird...off her rocker...but still pretty funny and cute..and another one of my co-workers said she Googled me. How I found out was she said "Didn't you teach at Columbia"...no, but I was published in a columbia journal...and she was like "I must have come across it when I googled you late at night...in the dark...alone." Which was meant to be a joke...but still...disconcerting when people tell you they Google you. That's reserved for exes...and stalking.

My mom tells me her office is moving to the HIP building...coincidentally also where E works/worked... ack. I'm never going to visit my mom at work. Put it that way.

Applying for more teaching jobs...heard about a pretty cool opening at Buzzer Thirty in the village...hmmm...could be something.

Got a haircut. wooo...highlight of my day. Chris got PSP...and man...it's gorgeous.

Work tomorrow and then church with Nic... should be good. I just want to relax...though I know for sure I will be taking work home this weekend...gah. Last one for this company...forever!!!

Yvette called...we will both be unemployed. Someone's coming over to watch dvds...heh.

Ok...I got anime to watch. Have a Good Friday, kids... Amen to that.

closing in...
Wednesday, March 23, 2005 09:16 p.m.

Yes, loads of work to do...and I honestly don't know why I care so much. I guess it's hard to let go...and maybe I will freelance for them in the future...but boy, do I need a break...and it looks like I will have to do some work this weekend also. Lord, forgive me. I'll definitely be going to church this weekend...but I do have some work I need to finish.

Buster (Tony Hale) from Arrested Development is a Christian! He apparently started some famous BIble study group for actors in NY a few years back... but man, Buster is getting some mad action on that show.

Comics...New Avengers is awesome...dang..never thought Spider-Woman would look hot...way to go Finch! And the whole Savage Land thing...and Sauron? WTF? Man...Bendis...this better be good.

And what is up with this snow? It's supposed to be spring! Come on! More snow?!?!?

Survivor: Man, I love Stephanie...I would love to meet a resourceful, intelligent, strong, gorgeous woman ... who feels bad about lying (Come on...it's second nature for women to lie...THWAP! I was asking for that.) I really hope that she and Tom make it to the final two. They deserve it.

Some good news from Gotham Writers' Workshop...I'm being considered for a job...whooooo...just sit back and wait and see what comes up. Next month will be crucial.

So...what am I going to do with the free time coming up? Well... look for jobs, work on novel, finish CD and send it in already, work out, start selling some of my junk, clean up, relax, get some of my friends to buy me dinner and/or drinks, catch up on my DVD backlog, sleep in, go back to church, catch up on email, read novels, submit poetry, take a few daytrips, gosh...that's a lot...

Well, ideally...I'll have a good month off and either get a nice part-time job while I prepare to teach in the fall, or get a job at Anime Insider, or some other surprise...but just to be able to relax and sleep...what a luxury. I can't wait.

I think I will miss exactly ...3 people from my job right now... and then... yeah, that's it.

Sigh. I haven't seen my friends in so long...haven't left NYC in a while, haven't had a date in even longer, haven't ...sigh. Let's just stop there. Things are going to change soon. And hopefully this blog will get a heck of a lot more interesting...though it might just be about me on my keister.

And yes, I think that pulling the feeding tube is awful. It's not like a swift and painless death...it's starvation and dehydration...that's inhumane. What are they thinking?

God forbid I'm ever in a vegetative state...but I was joking with Chris..."Give me five years...then let me go to Jesus."...but given that situation...what would you do? It's a dilemma...live and let live? Live and let die? James Bond, Paul McCartney, and GNFnR don't have the answers.

Dang. Snow. Hey...it's Thursday.

tired and uneasy...
Tuesday, March 22, 2005 09:46 p.m.

Had one of those weird "snooze button" nightmares... I dreamt about S for the first time in ages...it was really sad. We were sitting on a beach or some place near water and the sun was setting and then she's apologizing and I'm crying and she's crying and the alarm goes off and I hit the button and the dream actually continues..or so I think...and then I wake up and I'm exhausted and I feel like utter crap.

Finished up one of the last big projects. I am so glad that this crap is seriously almost over. Lisa is still feeling down...and I want to help her as much as possible before I leave. In any case, good news is...I still get part of my bonus and I get vacation days paid out.

Went to commerce bank with a bucket full of change. And they have this game where you have to guess how much change you have...and if you are within $1.99...you get a little "C" piggybank... I guessed $22.00....and it was $21.92. AWWWW YEAH... that's what you get for being a little OCD, a little autistic.

After work took a walk to Best Buy and ran into Zakhar...I should never have left my old job...sigh. Best Buy in the city was sold out of Clone Wars...so I went to the one in Queens and picked it up. Some crap from target and home.

WOW..Clone Wars was pretty frikkin awesome. THe lightsaber battles and all that...I'd say it was better than Eps. I and II! Crazy stuff. AND...there's a Republic Commando demo on it (for Xbox) woooo...but too tired to play.

Wow...I think I'm going to go to sleep soon. I am just wiped out.

Week is nearing the end...woohooo!

urk...two weeks.
Monday, March 21, 2005 09:02 p.m.

Yup... the countdown is officially winding down. Finishing up one of my last big projects. I'm excited to get out of here...but still, I know I need to be doing stuff to get ready for "after."

Poor Lisa...she's actually a senior dev.ed. but she's the only one wihtout an office...sheesh. And she gets shifted around all the time...it's really a travesty. She needs to get out of there...but if she stays...a lot of things need to change.

Not much else goingon...made sloppy joes for dinner...first one I've had since...OMG...I was like 12? hmmm.

Not much else...My Chemical Romance is actually really good, RW/RR Inferno II tonight, and more work tomorrow. Just ready for things to change for the better.

Arrested Development! Why aren't you watching this show?!?!? GENIUS!

Ok... I should work on a spec letter to uni/colleges.

lazy weekend.
Sunday, March 20, 2005 04:00 p.m.

I think I can get away with doing only a little work this weekend. I should only have one major project left...other than that...I'm basically done.

I', just ready to move on. Though, I'm really worried that I won't have anything lined up for awhile...but I really need at least a week or two to decompress after this.

In any case...I've just been feeling a little down and lonely lately. I'm glad Eric has a new girl and all my friends are moving along...but where does that leave me? I feel like I am in such a weird place in my life and I have so much to do...but I really wish I had someone with me along for the ride.

Anyways... Friday...ended up walking around after work... picked up new Coheed DVD ...awesome. Tzo and Niu were over when I got home...

Saturday: went to see Ring Two with Justin...it was not scary. Home... watched "Shall We Dance?"...the original Japanese version...which I LOVED and was so glad to see in widescreen...

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction was great. Bruce Springsteen was HILARIOUS...he wrote this long essay about U2 and it was so funny. Whoever thought the Boss had such a great sense of humor? And U2's performance was amazing... I never thought they'd play "Until the End of the World" (it's one of my fave songs) but they opened their set with it...pretty friggin' awesome.

Sunday: did a little bit of work and cleaned up some more. I've been seriously cleaning up lately. So sleepy... ugh. Not much else. I just need to relax...two more weeks. Hanging in there.

luck o' the irish...
Friday, March 18, 2005 09:12 a.m.

Sigh...still have a ton of work to do. I think it's best if I bring it home just in case... I don't know why I am working so hard on this when I'm leaving in two weeks.

I'm really worried for Lisa...I don't want her sticking around that place when everyhting starts collapsing. I really have the feeling that the company is heading south... it could turn around...but honestly...at this point... it's best to leave on my own terms.

Drunk kids on the street at noon...man... I haven't had a good buzz in ages. I've barely had a sip of anything since Chinese New Year...and that wasn't much at all. I really need someone to take me out and show me a good time soon...when I'll be able to do it...

Home...watching Justin and my folks cooked corned beef, cabbage and potatoes. We are so funny....and apparenlty, Irish.

Justin is just sleeping. Dang...and he stays up until 2 or 3? My folks need to watch him.

Ok...do some work this weekend...and then I'm going to get back on the job search thing...

I really want to get this over with so I can work out, go back to church, work on my novel, play music, relax...

The days just seem the same lately...just need something to pick me up.

I want to see the Ring Two...anyone free?

frustration breeds contempt?
Wednesday, March 16, 2005 09:22 p.m.

Well, if I keep this pace up...I might not have to work this weekend...and that's a big if. I'm still going to bring work home...just in case. But it would be great if I could just relax...I've been really exhausted lately. I need to start looking at more jobs and other teaching prospects...we'll have to see.

Lisa is getting frustrated too...it's definitely not her...it's the way the company is wrong. bad timing... I don't want to be around for the growing pains.

Anyhooo...Alex and my aunt came over briefly...and Kelvin is here without Nina...which is very weird...eh. Expect the unexpected.

It's only 9:30 and I want to sleep. It's just all the mental strain that editing is putting on my poor little brain. I'm just exhausted.

Hello, Lucia dear.

Hoch is ready to pop out her second kid... SECOND...my gosh...I still remember us fooling around in college and when she'd visit NY... wow...she's a mom...part deux. How truly bizarre.

Justin's audition was "50-50" or so he says... we'll see.

Sigh...comics and anime...love it. But am I willing to bear a possible 6 hour a day commute??? and possible 20K paycut? GAH. not so sure about that...but I'm still leaning towards YES.

sigh...thursday. Who wants to see the Ring Two?

Incredible!
Tuesday, March 15, 2005 08:43 p.m.

Urrrgh... work...crazy hectic...had to do a cross check of a 300 page book in less than 4 hours. Pretty insane. Anyways...got it done... working on one of two projects left...woot. I cannot wait to just get it finally over and done with!

Picked up the Incredibles and got a free litho from Best Buy! WOOO. I love this movie! LOVE IT.

Justin has an audition for a sitcom pilot...he'd be playing the token Asian in Peter Dinklage's sitcom (he's the "little person" that won all the awards for The Station Agent...and he was in Elf briefly) anyways... Dinklage is supposed to be a teacher...and Justin's character would be in his class...man...that would be awesome. I hope he gets it... woooo.

AND...Anime Insider called me...I'm on the short list! The job pays peanuts...but I just want to get my foot in the door in magazine publishing. Now tell me... would you take like a 20K pay cut to work at a job you loved...with the prospect of getting free stuff all the time? Man... I'll really have to think about it...but man, that's one of my three dream jobs. So...I'm leaning towards yes.

Lisa is totally cute...she's obsessed with Arrested and has been saying "Annyong" all day. hahahah too cute.

Sigh... next two and a half weeks will be bittersweet. I'll miss her...but I really need to get the heck away from this job.

Guess who has some premature grey hairs... yup. It's that bad.

Woooo... wednesday! Comics!

getting there...
Monday, March 14, 2005 09:43 p.m.

Well, finished my last manuscript edit for this company...and man...it was not easy. Terrible writing. Just sloppy and I think the writer was not a native speaker...or something. All the inverted syntax and just sloppy work. UGH. I rewrote so much of that...makes me so tired...and angry.

Anyways...forgot to mention Arrested Development last night...man...Henry Winkler "jumped the shark" last night...subtle Happy Days reference for all you geeks. I was dying! Why aren't you watching this show?!?!?

Chris is at my folks place trying to get Justin's computer working and getting Justin's ipod set up. Man, everyone's got one... I've got the most music out of anyone I know...and I still don't have an ipod...oh, well.

Picked up the Grudge and Bourne Supremacy used today...the Grudge was pretty good. I think I might like the American version better...not just because it has Buffy...but the ending was pretty good...different...and well.. let's just say that it ain't over.

Thing that pisses me off is that on the commentary...they talk about the UNCUT DVD that they are going to release...arrrgh! Double-dipping is so not cool. There are very few movies where I will stand for that crap...ugh!

Anyhooo...Still have a few projects left at work...at least one big one..and possibly one more...I just need to get through it... just a few more weeks. Freedom.

Thank you, Lord. I just hope things work out ok.

One of 2 weekends of work left...
Sunday, March 13, 2005 10:03 p.m.

Not much going on in the past few days… one of my last weekends spent doing work. I refuse to do anything over Easter weekend…and after that…well, I won’t be at that job, will I?

Hung out with family…watched a few movies and some Naruto… just trying to figure out what my next move will be. I’m still looking for jobs…just want the timing to be right. I hope Anime Insider calls soon… or if the teaching positions are going to pan out.

Alum from NYU is leaving his teaching post at CIA (Culinary Institute of America) but…this would entail moving upstate…and probably gaining a lot of weight…so I think I’m going to have to pass on it.

Sigh…here comes another Monday. Am I ready? Looking forward to handing this project in…and for Incredibles on DVD on Tuesday…other than that…it’s going to be work and more work…urrrgh. Lord, help me through this.

Here's to a good week...hopefully.

whirlwind of activity!
Thursday, March 10, 2005 10:43 p.m.

Ok...pretty uneventful day at work...but afterwards...lots of stuff.

Justin didn't get the Law and Order gig...crap. Who needs 'em! He can get something else.

Got an email from Anime Insider about an open Copy Editor position! I answered some more questions and...well...we'll have to see. Basically...it's the fork in the road for me...either it's a fun publishing job...or it's teaching... who knows what is going to happen. But I'll take what I can get. I believe that things will work out. God has the best in mind for me, come what may.

AND...Lynn tells me that she has been trying to get funding for a non-profit magazine based on cultural "outsiders" all my Beijing stories that I've been trying to find an excuse to write... all my London and Paraguay and Korean church stories...oh boy. That would be great if I could be part of that!

In any case, I'll have to see what happens...lots of kinetic potential...

Anyhoo... hanging in there. Tomorrow is ...you know it.

Sigh...here comes another weekend of work...a few of these left...and then...see ya!

Amen.

work...
Wednesday, March 9, 2005 09:45 p.m.

what a friggin' hectic day...just non-stop from 9-5...got a buttload of stuff done...and will need to do the same for the next two days. Man, not looking forward to another weekend of working...I just want to kick back and watch anime...but I've just been jittery and my nerves are shot...so much to keep track of. I'm scared my head is going to explode...

Reconnecting with people lately...IMed with Laura for a bit...she needs to find a job (don't we all) and been emailing Lynn...plan to get together in mid-April...dnag. that's a long ways away...and a special shoutout to my bud John "alfieralfie"...hook me up when I'm rich and famous! Don't work too hard either!

Recorded a little today and ran some errands. Nothing too exciting...just puttering along...must make it through till next month!

I did hand in my application for JHU...employees get 40% off comics!!! I did snag me an awesome little Boba Fett Bust-Up (Star Wars gashapon) pretty sweet...ya just got to peek in the little corner thingee and look for the one that has cardboard covering his shiny metal teeny weeny gun.

So, that was the highlight of my day...pretty friggin sad, huh?

Wooo...almost Thursday...onward! Excelsior!

work...
Wednesday, March 9, 2005 09:45 p.m.

what a friggin' hectic day...just non-stop from 9-5...got a buttload of stuff done...and will need to do the same for the next two days. Man, not looking forward to another weekend of working...I just want to kick back and watch anime...but I've just been jittery and my nerves are shot...so much to keep track of. I'm scared my head is going to explode...

Reconnecting with people lately...IMed with Laura for a bit...she needs to find a job (don't we all) and been emailing Lynn...plan to get together in mid-April...dnag. that's a long ways away...and a special shoutout to my bud John "alfieralfie"...hook me up when I'm rich and famous! Don't work too hard either!

Recorded a little today and ran some errands. Nothing too exciting...just puttering along...must make it through till next month!

I did hand in my application for JHU...employees get 40% off comics!!! I did snag me an awesome little Boba Fett Bust-Up (Star Wars gashapon) pretty sweet...ya just got to peek in the little corner thingee and look for the one that has cardboard covering his shiny metal teeny weeny gun.

So, that was the highlight of my day...pretty friggin sad, huh?

Wooo...almost Thursday...onward! Excelsior!

what is up with the weather???
Tuesday, March 8, 2005 08:47 p.m.

Ridiculous...it was in the 50s this morning...and by the time I got home... ARCTIC...I had the worst headache when I walked home from the train station...the wind, the temperature, the snow...what happened? Bizarroworld!

Work...bah...just getting stuff done. Looks like I will definitely be working all weekend. Sucks.

Lisa is fun...we went to CVS...and she was doing this weird little dance and was like "I need cotton baaawls" like a LI girl...too cute.

Filled out my application for Jim Hanley's, will have to finish my B & N one...and then...gah...I've got less than a month to find a part time job...and what about the teaching position I need? I really need to think of other options at this point.

Other than that...must not spend money! Must be very careful...and must plan, plan, plan...I can relax later. For now...must be in effect!

Why is it only Tuesday?!?!?

HILARITY ENSUES!
Monday, March 7, 2005 10:26 p.m.

If anything…just some hilarity today… and got a lot of work done.

Finishing up my manuscript that is getting ready to go back to art… should be the best one yet. Should go in pretty clean. I spent a decent amount of time on it…and whether or not I edit it or someone else does…it should be spot on, for the most part.

Lisa had a bit of a freak out about her friends today…dang…that makes me one of her only sane friends…and you all know how CRAzzzzzy I am…booogaaaboooga. (But she did say this: "Of course, I’ll miss you, geesh."...and I did get her hooked on Arrested Development

One of my coworkers sent this out to editorial…seriously, do you see why I want to leave. You might think it’s hilarious (I do too) but it’s really sad

Hi, editors. Here's part of a submission from a writer for the NY ELA series that will not make into one of our books. It's two lines from a poem about a kitten.

Look before you venture out,
See if pussy is about.

I changed the offending word, so now it reads:

Look before you venture out,
See if pussy is AROUND.

And to think that might have slipped through.

Anyhooo...picked up Shark Tale, Eulogy, and Manchurian Candidate… too cheap...I could not refuse. I’m going to need some movies to watch in my down time…besides, I’m finding inspiration to write everywhere.

Ran into Gerald on the street…my name sounds too close to “HEY” (say ABE!…get it) So I thought it was some random black guy yelling at me…but it was my friend…hahah…

Took the bus to Chelsea Piers to meet my folks and Justin after his Law and Order call back. Saw the most bizarre thing…this guy in dreds was talking to this “happy fat girl” (she took up almost 3 seats on the bus) and he was saying something like “you’ve got to do something about that” and she was like …”I want Philly Cheese Steaks!” and he was like…”No, you need some celery”…”You mean like celery with stuff onit?” …”Um…no, just plain celery and carrot sticks.” …and then she was like “OOOH! Outback Steak House! That’s new!”…and she just kept laughing…turns out…they DIDN’T know each other… they were just having a friendly conversation…only in New York.

Back to Justin… If they really do need an Asian kid…he’s got it…because there were no other Asian kids there today…and he was really excited…he could get his SAG card with this part!

Speaking of fat…my dad drove us an hour and a half to East Buffet in LI…and he literally said “You guys better go in there and poop. I want you both to eat 3 pounds of food and get my money’s worth!” Serious. I am so going to put that in my novel.

I managed to put away 2 plates and dessert. Dude, I may be a big guy…but when it comes down to it…I just can’t eat that much. My dad…at least 7 plates. We had already paid …and he went back for…I kid you not, 3 more plates. He’s a little Asian man…and he can eat me under the table.

More hilarity… talking about Eric’s mishaps when he was a baby… one day…my mom was taking us on the subway…getting off…I was pushing the stroller…my mom was holding onto Eric…and ooop…half of him fell down between the gap (much bigger back in the day)… jeebus…

And then…story about how one of my cousins…had to poo on the way home…in the middle of nowhere. So my mom and aunt get her a bag and she poos in the bag in the car…and of course…gets some on the floor. Needless to say…they sealed up the bag and endured the ride home…folks, you can’t make this stuff up.

Just funny story after funny story today…I really needed it too. It’s been such a long time since I’ve had a good laugh… I’ve missed it. Now if I can get through the week and this next project… I’ll be ok. GAH…help.

And I know I can't be the only one that thinks Martha Stewart looks HOT. Ok...I may be the only one...yeesh.

Weekend...
Sunday, March 6, 2005 09:43 p.m.

You know...I'm just waiting for the weekend when the highlight won't be the fact that I finished a bunch of work and saw some movies... this just sucks.

Watched Sky Captain and Porco Rosso...both pretty good. Watched some anime...finished Samurai Deeper Kyo and Mezzo... and that was about it.

Got me some Nine Inch Nails tickets for May...now who do I get to go with me?

Read this part in "AHWOSG" that made me laugh out loud on the train (or at least grin like an idiot)...Toph play-fights with David and does this "knee slapping" or "ankle slapping" move...kind of like something that we used to do as kids...when we were rasslin'...but in a weird way... why do I feel like I've blogged about this already? I'm losing my mind.

Also...Sunjoo calls me out of the blue...just to say hi...nice surprise...haven't heard from her in awhile. Haven't heard much of ANYONE in a while...mollyflippin' job... can't wait to leave...but the prospect of no money still freaks me out...I better get a part-time job and soon...once I have a free weekend...I'm just exhausted.

Took the US Census today...that was weird...did it in the lobby... I wonder if people feel weird about letting Census people into their homes.

Arrested Development 2 episodes tonight...flat-out awesome. Please watch this show if you aren't already. I love this show so much!

Justin has Law and Order callback tomorrow! WOOO!

Sigh...another weekend gone...and another ridiculous week of work coming up.

I'm exhausted... pray for me.

GAHHH...it's almost Monday!

Heartbreaking Work and Staggering...
Thursday, March 3, 2005 09:14 p.m.

Ok...first off...I had one of those weird "snooze button dreams"...I got this indie film called "Mean Creek" about bullies and what not...supposedly won a bunch of awards...I still haven't seen it yet...anyways... I dreamt that the kids in the movie were at some junk yard...and one of the kids gets smothered by tomatoes...and then is turned into a zombie by some Native American Shamanism thing...anyhoo...the zombie kid goes nuts and does some bad ass thrashing around...then he falls back down on his face in the truck of tomatoes...and there is this HUGE fly thing on it's back...that looks all deflated...and then the Native American guy puts his hand over it and goes "It's not over"...and the fly starts filling up and then...BEEP BEEEP I gotta get up...

Anyways... I can totally analyze the dream. Anime I watched had tomatoes in it. TimeSplitters 2 had zombies, JLA Elite has Manitou Raven, and Mean Creek...not sure where the fly thing came from...but there were bugs in the TimeSplitters 2 level I beat today... anyways...just mental garbage...

Reading Eggers "AHWOSG" and I got really upset and choked up at the part when he says that he hasn't properly buried his parents. They both donated their bodies to science and the kids never got the "cremains" (ashes) back...maybe because they moved so much...but in any case... that one part just really got to me. And there is one part when Eggers is in a faux interview and he just goes "My heart is pure" and the "interviewer" (which is really him..and a constructed memory) is like "what?" and he goes "nothing." Gimmicky...but I like it. And the parts with Toph...man...that just reminds me of when Justin was little...and of Chris too (he's Oph)... kids I've taken care of. But man...Eggers gets some action!

Work...arrgh. Just pissed. Saw this one line in my friend's book something along the lines of: "He was well acquainted with African American culture. He ate soul food and listened to rap music." ARE YOU F**IN KIDDING ME !?!?!? That was in a 3rd grade reading book...if she didn't edit that out...that would have gone to press...to TEXAS. I have nothing positive to say about this company anymore. Wait...did I ever? I feel sorry for the good people there...the people with a conscience.

Lisa is just too cute. She's PMS-ing so I bought her a donut. We have such a weird friendship. I think she's like the sister I never had..in a weird V.C. Andrews kind of way. She finished War and (flippin') Peace... that is impressive. For a good looking girl...she is one heck of a nerd. Part of the charm I guess. I told her that I wanted to combine her with my other BFO (Emily) and write them somewhere into my book.

Other than that...I'm just flat out exhausted. Going to have so much to do this weekend. I'll just have to work and plow through. Next time I archive the blog...I should be out of there.

NIN tickets onsale tomorrow. I really want to get them...ack! Help!

MAD!
Wednesday, March 2, 2005 10:21 p.m.

Ok... I'm just fed up with the piss-poor writing and the fact that vendors are not doing a good job. I seriously almost flipped out today. What I got back was clearly wrong...and honestly...I do not want to deal with this anymore. I've given up my weekends, my health, my social and my spiritual life to do a good job. I take pride in what I do...but there is only so much I cand do without getting burnt out. It's just too much for one person to do in a limited amount of time.

The fact that so many of our books are being developed based on speculations of what the state tests are going to be like... it's just mind boggling. It's a risk that I'm not sure how sales and marketing are handling...I cannot believe some of the things that we are being asked to do. And the fact that so much gets farmed out...so much of it is scattered... there is no cohesiveness...there is so much unevenness that I can't say anything really positive about it. I'm just frustrated.

And honestly...I feel bad for the people who are going to be left at the company. Dealing with vendors who aren't doing a proper job is frustrating to no end. I jsut can't let it go... more and more stuff just comes this way and it's just crap.

It's unconscionable...with all the kids in my life...with how much I love literature...I can't imagine anyone could really say that the products we are producing are top notch. I just can't do it with a clear conscience...so I'm running myself ragged...trying to do the best that I can...even if people don't care as much. Get off the nitpicky stuff and worry about the poor content. Who are these writers? Are they even remotely qualified? I am so sick of seeing this tripe every day. I feel guilty for being part of it... for kids to use some of this stuff. I'm sure there is something they can get out of it...but is it really worthwhile and pedagogically sound? I highly doubt it.

I have two projects on my plate at the moment...and one that should be coming back soon. I'm not sure if anything else is going to come my way in the next month...but I am just not looking forward to it. All my weekends are going to most likely be taken up... definitely this coming one...so don't expect to see me until I quit.

I honestly wish I said March 18th... because despite what they are paying me...it's not enough.

So...I've got applications for part time work at Barnes and Nobles and at the comic store...both would be a welcome change.

Quitting this job may be the best decision I ever made. I can't say that taking this job was the worst decision...because if I never took it...I don't think I would want to go back to teaching or working on my novel so badly...so yes, some good has come out of it... but can I last here for another month without seriously just blowing up? Lord, help me... I've been praying for patience, understanding, and just peace of mind. I need it so badly. God, grant me strength.

Enough ranting and raving... peace....bring it on. I am desperate.

One month left...
Tuesday, March 1, 2005 08:32 p.m.

The countdown begins! It's March 1...and I've got a month left at this office...I feel awful since Lisa has been assigned to take care of my books. I'm sure she will manage, but I think she's going to need some help making sense of all the crap. I hope the vendors will be ok and not treat her bad...ack.

Snow was overrated...went to work and did my stuff.

Started "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" today. Eggers is such a chatty bastich...but he has some good stuff there. I don't mind the gimmicky stuff so much (here's a picture of a stapler) as long as his writing is good. He could have used some more editing...but that's his style... just chatty.

The book starts off pretty sadly... both his parents pass away within a month of each other...and he has to take care of his 8 year old brother. Makes me thankful for Justin and my family...

Also picked up Bambi today... I know it's kind of gay...but it's a necessary classic. I'm totally going to write a "Bambi's mom getting killed" scene into my novel.

And the big news...NYU application is done and in! WOOO! Now just have to sit and wait... Pray that I get it! I need to get something for the fall...boy, do I need to.

Recorded a little today...and inspired to write. I'm going to see if I can manage to put down some dialogue ...or some ideas at least.

Tuesday... alright, alright!