Blazing into the new year...
Thursday, January 1, 2004 05:20 p.m.

Well..this will be the last entry before I archive all of this and start fresh.

New Year's Eve... whoah... what an adventure. I went into the city to see Doris before I met up with Emily...Trains were running pretty smoothly and not crowded at all.

Met up with Emily at Bryann's apartment in Normandie Court on the Upper East Side. We were ready to run! But I was sick...and still am. In any case..we headed over to Central Park and got there pretty early. There was this odd aerobics/club musci thing...that was kind of like Tae-Bo. We goofed around and got warmed up for the run. Cindy and Elliott were there too...but we didn't see them until later.

So midnight came around and I give her a kiss on the cheek and we are off and running... Man...this is one new year's I won't forget...4 miles and I was wheezing...but I did it in 50 mins. with Emily... Cindy and Elliott made it in 40 mins.. we saw them cut in front of us... pretty funny.

Fireworks and such... fun... and it's something that I was glad that I did... I just wish I wasn't sick!

Cabbed it back to Bryann's...Em bought some pizza and then showered and went to a bar near work actually. In the cab...I asked Emily what she thought of the song...she said it was sweet...and she doesn't hate me. Heh...

But I have it in my head that nothing is going to happen. I love her and she loves me...as much as friends/co-workers can...but for now...that's it. Nothing really needed to be said...but I know. There's just too much at stake and I'm certainly not in a place where I can do anything... and heck...she's had plenty of opportunities..but if she doesn't take them...I guess she doesn't like me in that way...but she does care.

Had a few drinks... and left by 4:00... Em made me call her when I got home...and she was awake...sweet. I said "Love ya...nite." and she replied" love you too." ...awww...cute. But whatever... we are good friends. And that's more than I ever expected. I got home by 5... and was achey as heck...and my folks were in my room! So I had to sleep in the gnome spot.

In any case..it was a good time... 2004. I'm feeling...not sure what I am feeling..but I know it's going to be a major year of change.

Emily called this morning...she's so cute...just checking how I felt. Talked to Eunice...she went to some geeky party...but had fun.

Woke up with a fever and a bad headache...it's been a long time since I've had an actual fever...weird. Everything is so much more surreal this way.

In any case, watching Queer Eye makes me want to redo my apartment...I have so much crap...must start chucking stuff...oh man...

Happy New Year... this one ought to be good.

Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 31, 2003 04:39 p.m.

Ok... well.. let me start off with saying that I am sick. I am coughing like a mother and I am kinda stuffy. Oh man.

I woke up at 2PM ...so I slept for almost 12 hours and I feel like crap. I'm taking Theraflu and Buckley's mixture (Canadian medicine that tastes like gasoline and looks like..um...ejaculate.... but it works!)

So...I'm going to meet Emily on the Upper East Side around 9ish...so I wonder if I will be better or worse by then. Oh man...this is gonna be some adventure. Please pray for my health...and my emotional well being.

Serena might come over tomorrow and hang out... depending on what time I get home. I need someone to take care of me...I feel like crap.

Anyhooo... hope the city is safe tonight. Let's start 2004 off right. LOVE AND PEACE!

Tabla rasa.
Tuesday, December 30, 2003 10:38 p.m.

A rather uneventful...yet eventful day. AGAIN.

Just practiced for upcoming gig...and chilled at home. Finalized plans with Emily tomorrow. Meeting at 9 at her friends apartment...and then...off and running.

So whatever happens. She's my friend at least...and maybe that is for the best. I have great affection for her...and that doesn't change. So...come what may...I'm glad she is in my life.

A friend of mine called me upset... same stuff that repeats and tears her down. It's so hard when you are in the midst of the turmoil to see beyond it...but I GUARANTEE... given distance and the time to live with the potential for change... all of this will seem like a bad memory...

But waiting for the twisting and acrid days to end...that's the hard part...but isn't hindsight so much sweeter then? When we can look back and realize... we are better off now than back then?

I believe that God answers our prayers with "Yes, No, Maybe" and we have to deal. And sometimes we get a "No or Wait"...that's when we have to decide for ourselves...if the here and now is when we choose to move on...or to give it more time.

So, I've decided to practice what I preach, walk the talk, and so on. I deleted all the voice messages and phone numbers that were Esther's and Soo Mi's...so every memory I have of them is gone or wrapped tight for when I can look at them one day. I want to clean out my closets...and be able to say... I am new. My past is exactly that... it's gone and I'll take what I can remember and learn from it.

People hurt us is in awful ways...and we don't always get the answers we want. We are selfish creatures...not given to compromise. But we can change... every day we wake and take on the hours. Every day we can DO something. We have free will...we have volition. We are made for change.

Stagnancy is our enemy. Perpetual motion is something to strive for...the kinetic and the potential...working in tandem...to make us better...to make us godly...to make us surprising individuals that are not constrained by our own weaknesses.

I'm going to clean out a few more things...seal them up with tape...reclaim some mental and physical shelf space. maybe one day I'll look at them again...but for now. I love the moment.

I love tomorrow.

nightmare!
Tuesday, December 30, 2003 01:07 p.m.

Ok...well had a nightmare that was worthy of an entry.

It involves Emily...and a candle-lit cave full of creepy action figures with a long note scrawled beneath them saying "The less I see of someone...the more I like them. So fuck off." I was like ???? and the dream Emily was EVIL. And was saying all these horrible things. I was shocked and perturbed...a sign of things to come?

Meaning...stay away from Emily...and action figures.

Weird, no ?

I am traumatized.
Tuesday, December 30, 2003 12:50 a.m.

Ok day... cleaned up around the house and went into the city to run some errands... actually...it was a pretty eventful day, come to think of it.

Woke up early because I was dreaming of some apocolyptic landscape where I was in Iraq and the bombs were raining dow...only got 4 hours sleep...urrgh.

Went to the upper Eastside to sign up for the Midnight Run...picked up stuff for me and Emily and went back downtown to run some more errands.

Signed up for my first FRIDAY gig at the greenroom. Bonnie said she was thinking about me... and how she wanted me to play...might actually play an early/extended show... She wanted me to play more for happy hour...since they apparently love me...whooohooo. Steady gig...sweet.

Picked up some odds and ends and went to office. Scared Emily...hahah she was listening to music and cleaning her desk... in any case...she was kinda giddy. Not sure if it was because we haven't seen each other in so long and she feels weird or what...but anyways... took a long walk downtown to meet up with Mark at his office.

That big gay queen got us Christmas presents...scarf and a WOK cookbook (racist!) that was funny...he got Emily a huge scarf too...quite funny.

Had dinner and long talk...and he revealed that he had an "indiscretion" with a coworker...a FEMALE ONE. OMG! SO SHOCKED... and he wouldn't stop touching me ! ARRRRGH!

I said to Emily..."well, now our affair is so boring." And she was like "There's nothing to talk about." Which is true...since nothing HAS happened... but it got me thinking... it's such a stressful and potentially bad scenario... why even bother. People at work today...knew I wasn't supposed to be there and knew I was picking Emily up...so ...they might suspect somehting...but the truth is so much bleaker....which is ...nothing doing.

Walked by the Angelika and stopped in...because she never saw a movie there before..and I said..."one day we'll see a movie." ...and she just smiled and said "one day." ...riiiight. be enigmatic. grrrrrrr.

I honestly should forget all about her...and just be her friend. But it's going to take me some time. Cause when I look at her...I see how beautiful and fun she is...and I can't help but feel something shift inside of me...and I know it's probably just a crush...but still...I feel like a high school kid again... and I stutter and stammer and wish I had the guts and fearlessness to just TELL HER.

But honestly, I am so afraid of being hurt...so afraid of the rejection...so afraid of the awkwardness it might cause. But then...is it worth it? I still don't know. Time and circumstance, once again.

Anyways...walked over to Union Square...and met up with Jennie, Mike...and their friends Steve and Ayumi... Steve actually knows Eric and Serena...cause he went to Francis Lewis...funny!

Anyhoo...hung out for a little bit and got a ride home. Emily called to say I was crazy for giving her the rest of her Christmas present...ahem... and said to call her tomorrow to iron out plans. SIGH. I am a moron.

Came home and talked to Romana for like an hour. Craziness going on in her building...pray for her. We need to hang out...I miss her and her dramaqueen friends...which are my friends too...hahahhaha!

Must be productive. Must make self better. Run. Be swift. Be true.

week one... and not much done....but some deep thoughts.
Monday, December 29, 2003 01:36 a.m.

Well...it's Sunday night and it's the end of my first week of vay-k...and I really haven't done much besides clean up the apartment some. I really should be working on music and mixing down stuff and completing vocals and such.

Anyways...got up late today and Eric was already almost back in Boston by the time I was up an dabout... oh well.. in any case...not much else going on in la casa de Chang.

Got off my lazy bum and went to run some errands in the city. AND FINALLY...got myself to church. It was an ok service...it was a guest speaker that wasn't much to write about. The message was actually kind of heavy...but he did mention something that I thought was interesting.

The speaker said that the reason that Jesus said that John the Baptist was the greatest man of woman borne was because he was the only prophet to point so directly to who the Messiah was. But Jesus also said that the least in his kingdom was greater than John was because John the Baptist would not see the Christ fulfill the prophecies and experience Jesus' time on earth. Hmmmm...interesting.

Another thing I found um... interesting...is something personal...sometimes when you are at church and you reflect on your sins...it's awful...but as you repent...you think of how fun the sinning was... ack... but then you think...whoah...that was bad. And you feel even more awful...because you were in church thinking it...arrrrgh. I feel terrible. Lord, forgive me!

God is cool like that. We are these stupid, stupid children that keep making the same awful dumb mistakes over and over again... and yet...He still forgives us and wants us to do better. Amazing grace, indeed.

Anyways...after church met up with Elaine for dinner at Penang...I won't go into detail...but let me say... wow... poor Elaine. Guys can be really dumb and ruin a good thing by being idiots without finesse. I learned my lesson. But I have never been in the same position that she was in...poor, poor girl.

So Emily calls...and I guess we are doing the run. Ironing details out tomorrow. I am so confused...but I am going to take it for what it is...we are friends...spending new year's together. But the fact is...she MUST know how I feel by now...so what's her take on all of this?

I'm an idiot in this. I don't know why I bother...but I guess I am seeing how this plays through. I have to admit...my heart beats a little faster when I see her name on my caller ID screen...and it's idiotic because I realize how this is so set up for me to look like a fool...

But I have been a fool before...and I will be a fool again. But the real question is...when is the right time...and is there ever a right time?

Will these feelings fade? What is going to happen later? I'm not sure...but I'll look back on this and realize how silly this all was...regardless of what happens.

I must keep reminding myself...that I am a great guy...and some nice girl will be very lucky to have me. But who is going to want to find that out? See...mor questions!

I am a putz.

Tommorrow will be interesting. Get ready for the worst. Expect the best?

Silly boy...don;t you know that your heart is not meant to be worn on your sleeves? But what can I do...cool and aloof... not me.

Take it or leave it. I remain "the Abe."

...this song needs more cowbell.
Saturday, December 27, 2003 05:50 p.m.

Friday... man...my sleep schedule is most certainly messed up. I have to tell you that this waking up at noon and staying up until 5 AM thing must end.

Anyhoo...got up and Eric ordered pizza... Shelb came over for a little bit and we just watched tv and stuff.. Cleaned up around the house...and it sure did need some cleaning after the Christmas hub-bub.

Eric went out to the city with Shelb...and then Eunice came over and we played some DDR and watched Battle Royale and had leftovers. I love me some Eunice... so cute.

Doris came over and they gave me my present...a cowbell for my drum kit. OH MAN! I always wanted one of these! Now I don't know how I can actually use them when I record...but jamming on the drums will be more fun with a little NOCKNOCKDINGADINGA action! ...and I got a Best Buy giftcard too...whooo hooo.

Doris brought some choco cake and we played some more DDR and I snagged some mpegs of my girls slipping and sliding around...HAHAHAH...definitely cute.

Doris had to leave early so Eunice and I finished BR and decided to catch LOTR. Man...I thought the 11:20 was going to be late...but it was sold out! So we had to catch the 11:50!

WOW...I recently rewatched the first two...and I have to admit...I liked them a lot better...but the last installment...WOW. I loved it. I want to see it again...and I may not wait for the DVDs for once...hmmm. In any case, it was amazing. The homoerotic hobbits, the battle scenes, the ethereal women (EOWYN! ...that's a woman) and GOLLUMGOLLUM...getting his...great stuff.

Eunice drove me home and she didn't get in until almost 5! OH MAN..I felt bad...did I mention that I love me some Eunice?

Well, it's Saturday...and I didn't even get up until 1:00...mom came over and brought food... and Eric brought Serena over...man...I haven't seen that kid in ages. So good to see her...even if she got tinier and paler...gotta feed that girl !

Anyhooo...I'm still tired and not feeling like I want to do anything besides watch some Buffy.

Supposed to go to church tomorrow and then try to meet up with Elaine.

Need to get my arse up. My first week of vacation is just about up...oh man...one more week to go! Gotta work on music!

Speaking of which...mp3.com is GONE. Anyone know how I can get some place to store my mp3s for free? Maybe it's time I invest in a website of my own....any ideas?

...this song needs more cowbell.
Saturday, December 27, 2003 05:38 p.m.

Friday... man...my sleep schedule is most certainly messed up. I have to tell you that this waking up at noon and staying up until 5 AM thing must end.

Anyhoo...got up and Eric ordered pizza... Shelb came over for a little bit and we just watched tv and stuff.. Cleaned up around the house...and it sure did need some cleaning after the Christmas hub-bub.

Eric went out to the city with Shelb...and then Eunice came over and we played some DDR and watched Battle Royale and had leftovers. I love me some Eunice... so cute.

Doris came over and they gave me my present...a cowbell for my drum kit. OH MAN! I always wanted one of these! Now I don't know how I can actually use them when I record...but jamming on the drums will be more fun with a little NOCKNOCKDINGADINGA action! ...and I got a Best Buy giftcard too...whooo hooo.

Doris brought some choco cake and we played some more DDR and I snagged some mpegs of my girls slipping and sliding around...HAHAHAH...definitely cute.

Doris had to leave early so Eunice and I finished BR and decided to catch LOTR. Man...I thought the 11:20 was going to be late...but it was sold out! So we had to catch the 11:50!

WOW...I recently rewatched the first two...and I have to admit...I liked them a lot better...but the last installment...WOW. I loved it. I want to see it again...and I may not wait for the DVDs for once...hmmm. In any case, it was amazing. The homoerotic hobbits, the battle scenes, the ethereal women (EOWYN! ...that's a woman) and GOLLUMGOLLUM...getting his...great stuff.

Eunice drove me home and she didn't get in until almost 5! OH MAN..I felt bad...did I mention that I love me some Eunice?

Well, it's Saturday...and I didn't even get up until 1:00...mom came over and brought food... and Eric brought Serena over...man...I haven't seen that kid in ages. So good to see her...even if she got tinier and paler...gotta feed that girl !

Anyhooo...I'm still tired and not feeling like I want to do anything besides watch some Buffy.

Supposed to go to church tomorrow and then try to meet up with Elaine.

Need to get my arse up. My first week of vacation is just about up...oh man...one more week to go! Gotta work on music!

Speaking of which...mp3.com is GONE. Anyone know how I can get some place to store my mp3s for free? Maybe it's time I invest in a website of my own....any ideas?

Holidaze.
Friday, December 26, 2003 02:14 a.m.

Christmas Day kinda started late. I didn't get up until 1PM...since I was so zonked out last night working on my resume until 4am and watchin Witch Hunter Robin (awesome.) until 5...

Went over to my folks place with Eric and we had a late lunch. Justin is just a weird kid and he was acting like such a baby all snuggling up to Moms and stuff...until my godbrother Jesse and his mom show up... then Justin is all tough. HAHHAHA! I see the real you, my BIG BABY!

Came home and cleaned up...was preparing for Romana and her friend...but then I call and it ends up that they aren't coming now! Anyways...my apartment is clean...and I washed all the sheets and stuff...though Eric is sick and germy...eeeew. Poor Eric.

Remember a few months ago when I mentioned one of my friends "betrayed" me and ended up going out with my friend's sister (whom I had a big crush on)? Well.. turns out it is over. I'm not one to say "I told you so"...ok..I am. HAHAH...But all I really wanted to say is that his character should have been revealed when he was being a big fat liar and deceiving me to get info about her. In any case, he's a bastard. I'm not his friend anymore. And poor girl...I hope she wasn't scarred. He's no good. Man, jerky guys get the girls... I wish I was jerky sometimes...but seriously...I'd rather be me. *SIGH... someday.

Anyhooo. Doris and Eunice are supposed to come over tomorrow or we will be hanging out around my hood ...or something. In any case, I know I talk to them all the time and see them at least like once every fortnight...but I do miss my girls.

Speaking of which ...Yvette called and wished me a merry...I have not seen that girl in months....glad to hear she is ok.

Started re-learing "More Than Words"...man..that song always pissed me off because it's hard to sing and play at the same time...but I'm getting there... grrrr.

You know...I'm realizing that I am awful thankful for the people in my life... my friends and family... I have so much that makes me happy. I can't let work and the lack of womanly companionship get me down. (Though I do wish a certain cute blonde would drop kick me and lay one on me...one can dream.) God is good.

Again...Merry Christmas.

Start thinking about resolutions now...yipes.

...and to all a good night.
Thursday, December 25, 2003 01:49 a.m.

Just some thoughts as I wind down this hectic Christmas. WOW...I can't believe that it was over and done...just like that.

In any case, it was me...cooking turkey, potatoes, stuffing, and assorted other stuff. The kids all came over and ransacked the place. Man, I love living alone...but the clean up afterwards....

grandparents really liked the little table trays we got them...and the folks got stuff they could really use. Funniest thing was my Dad was videotaping stuff and he fell asleep in the chair with the camera in his hand.

Jeff has been a quiet presence...I don't mind having someone that is non-family here...and I'm sure he felt welcome...but I feel kinda bad... I mean what about his family? Why isn't he spending Christmas with them? I don't want to pry...but i can't imagine not spending the holidays with my family. I mean the kids...opening presents and stuff...that's the best. Enjoy it while they are still cute and all. All the kids got games...I got clothes that I will probably never wear...but oh, well.. the thought that counts.

Eric is sick...coughing...he better not get me sick... especially on my break... grrrrr !

I prayed today... it's been awhile. Lord, forgive me for all the crap I've done this year. And it's a lot of crap. If anything...the one constant is that I still have compassion for my fellow man. At least I try.

I'm scared of being hurt...true. But part of the human condition is the willingness to put others above yourself. I still try. But it's hard... trying to be a nice guy in a world where the jerky-asses get ahead.

Been thinking about New Year's resolutions. WOW. I got a bunch.

And the ever elusive "love of a good woman"...I give up. It's going to have to come to me...because I sure as heck don't know where to find it.

Lord, it's been one crazy ride this year. Thank You for Your patience. I'll try to do better.

Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus!

Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 24, 2003 11:21 a.m.

Well, Merry Christmas Eve at least...

In any case...I woke up this morning dreaming about work...what I would say and if and when I quit... jeepers. Good thing the phone woke me up or it would have went on forever.

Emily wrote me an odd email...very formal sounding. But in any case...she said her friend was looking into places for New Year's...so I guess we won't be alone. I dunno... after all the stuff that's happened... i don't know if this is such a good idea any more. I don't want things to get complicated...and silly Abe...nothing ever works right. So maybe she knows how I feel and is doing the "divert and avoid" tactic... or maybe she doesn't get it at all. I'm not sure. But I will have to assess and see if it is worth talking about. I'm sure I'll be able to tell the next time I see her.

In any case... yesterday was a madhouse. After shopping.. we got Chris and Nina, then Shelby...and then Jack came with his new girlfriend...loads of food...and me feeling weird.

Why do people make fun of me when I clean up...it's my apartment...I like it neat...you animals!

Anyways... been chatting with Serena... we've both changed a lot... funny that.

I got a turkey in the oven... kids are coming...wow...it's Christmas already???

Amen and amen.

vay-k begins...
Tuesday, December 23, 2003 07:20 p.m.

Ok... well...Sunday was kind of packed with kids... since Chris graduated and the family came over... all the kids.. man... so I didn't make it out to church...AGAIN. It's been too long. I realize that I don't go for people, or community, or culture... I really go for myself and time to reflect on my life and how God has been good to me.

Yes, despite all the craziness of this past year...that is one thing that hasn't changed. I do love God... I am thankful for what He has given me...and the lessons learned, though painful--they are lessons, nonetheless.

Anyhooo... LOTR watching...and then Monday... Emily called and woke me up... told me to ignore Mark's message (gay co-worker) we were supposed to meet up with him NEXT week...and he thought it was this week. In any case... I think she wanted to talk to me...but I was so groggy and out of it...I went back to sleep...anyways...I wrote her an email apologizing.

Working on Amy's recs...man it feels like I have homework over break...

Sunjoo... heed my advice! There be wolves out in the wilds! WOLVES!

Picked up Moms... she got me two coats...and DAI DVD! wooot... I'm just glad my Moms is back safe and well rested...she needed a vacation.

Serena Eng! Old memories! and Laura is back...after a long missing period...sigh...she still wants to hang out... I am puzzled. Which brings to mind the question of whatever happened to Sam...very curious.

Eric came home...Jeff also... wonder what happened to his family...why is he spending Christmas with us ?

Doris and Karl. morons. whatever. let me know what happens in the aftermath.

Can't a guy say he wants some Tang without it sounding dirty ? Sometimes you just crave that orangey powdery goodness that spacemen drink.

Went shopping today for gifts... pretty much done I guess. I'm beat...need to work out. Eric can be annoying...ugh... no more on this.

Ahem... Emily's last gift came in... may be a little forward of me to give her Emily the Strange underwear... but that's what she THOUGHT I got her originally. HAHAHHA

Sleepy... sigh. I need cigarettes and alcohol.

wrapping up the week...
Monday, December 22, 2003 02:57 a.m.

Well.. Friday was somewhat upsetting... two people got promoted..and I wasn't one of them..... I'll make a long story short. I started work the same time as one of the other people...and I feel like I have contributed as much if not more...I talked to someone at work ...and he said... "look man, this company is weird and they look out for their own...meaning people have each others backs...or unless you are a woman.." in any case...I have been considering writing a memo/email to one of the exec. eds. saying how I feel. I mean...this is insane. anyways...more on this later.

Emily is so sweet. She got me a Reality Bites DVD and a copy of "Running With Scissors"...her fave movie and book... and she wrote me a card saying "You make me want to try harder. Thank you for that. Love, E..." well...I'm speechless.

After work...met up with Doris and talked a little...things with K and her are still weird. I'm not even going to say anything anymore. Both of them need to figure things out by themselves. Diane and her dude were there also...

Tried to see LOTR with Eunice but shows were sold out at both theaters we tried...rna into Susan Hwang and Jason Liu... ended up having dinner at ChoDanG something... my new fave Korean place (next to Han Bat) awesome stuff. AND Eunice loved her gift...I'm so happy...got her FFX-2. whew.

We wandered around the city a little bit and I got a new coat...with a fuzzy hood. wooot.

Came home and found that Emily had called me twice. She loved her present (a little thing for every night of Hannukahmas) and said that it was the nicest thing anyone has done for her in awhile. AND...she liked the song... or at least she liked the lyrics. She called from the bus... so I'm not sure if she heard it yet...But in any case...this brings up a lot of questions.

As in...what happens now? I'm sure that between the song and the card I wrote...she knows how I feel by now. But what about her? Is she going to play it off as if I have a little crush on her? Or am I supposed to say more...or DO SOMETHING... and what happens when I do. I'm all freaked now. SIGH. I have it so bad for this girl. How do I get out of this? Or...into this ?

Anyways... Saturday... cleaned up ...watched Two Towers extended version. Justin came over...and I napped for like 3 hours...so my sleep schedule is all messed up now...

Anyhoo... lots of stuff I need to get done before Christmas. Going to try to go to church tomorrow night. Anyone want to go with me?

WOW...lots of time off. But it will fly by...wooot. God bless us, everyone.

almost done here...
Friday, December 19, 2003 09:21 a.m.

well..it's friday...and we are winding down here... getting everything closed up for my two week hiatus.

Yesterday was... disheartening... I got my raise..which was a decent 3.25% ...but my promotion (that my Senior Ed. apparently recommended)...didn't go through...she said that money was tight...but hopefully it will go through later...

In any case, it will be a little while before I got ballistic...if I don't get promoted this year...I'm gone. By June...if anyone else gets promoted...I'm gonna flip.

I do waaay too much for this company, am over qualified...have a Master's ...and I'm published in these dang books. Time to show me some appreciation...dangnabbit. In any case...I'm done ranting.

Had lunch with Cindy...I'm glad she liked the Sex and the City book that I got her...I like the Sports Illus. calendar...but now I feel like a perv. HAHHAH.

Home...finished Emily's present...I hope she likes it and doesn't hate my guts for that song...it's a great song...it's funky and the drums are kick ass... it's torturous to be in this predicament... I hope things don't get weird... in anycase... it's over and done. I wrote her a very sweet card...she just gave me a bag of stuff.. a DVD and a book ? jeepers...that's sweet. anyways... I won't see her for at least a week... so a little space is always good. Will I miss her? Of course. Wouldn't you?

Doris called last night...she was drunk...and hilarious she was reading my blog to me...in a very dramatic fashion. Very odd that one...but it made my day. She gave me some advice... that I should be explicit...and just deal...which I think will happen eventually. But honestly...if she doesn't know how I feel by now...that's a pretty bad state of affairs.

Hopefully, will do something fun tonight...might go see movie with Eunice or something... we'll see.

Office party today... after meeting...and then...that's about it...off to vay-k land for me..DVDs and recording and family and friends...and Baby Jesus!

Wooohooo... TGIF.

drunkmonkey abe!
Thursday, December 18, 2003 09:27 a.m.

Yesterday was such a random up and down day... very odd...

Was sooo busy running around and getting work done that I barely had time to think... just a lot of random odds and ends... not even sure how I got so busy...in any case..

Scary moment of the day...Lucia could be sick...I really hope it's nothing...but still. Despite our little jabs and stuff...I do care a lot about that kid. I hope she'll be ok. Pray for her. For serious!

After work... went with Em to get Mexican food in the village...we split a whole pitcher of sangria...and we got to talking a little bit... she's amazing. She surprises me all the time...and is never what I expect her to be. We were pretty drunk by then...but it seems like we are definitely doing the new year's run together...or at least spending that night together...she wants to go to a party after...

Anyways...we went to Climateight to watch Gerald bartend and score some free drinks... pretty inebriated by then...and we both had a ...confessions about our past...it was pretty horrific...I can't believe what I told her...but nonetheless... she's great. It's sad that I can't fight it...but what can I do ? This love goes unrequited... the only thing I can do is tell her how I feel...and deal with the aftermath later... I just need to get it off my chest...

She was like... "I don't have a boy friend" ...and I was like " I know...I'm a poor substitute"...and she was like "no comparison"...what is that supposed to mean? Was that a dis ??? We were at the end of our pitcher by then...so...who knows. All I know is that her ex got her "shower gel" for Christmas last year...she is going to want to marry me after I give her her present. I worked on it for awhile...and put some thought and effort into it...feh...shower gel ???

I mean honestly, how can i expect anyone to risk not only human affection...but professional discomfort at work...for the likes of me? It's just unfathomable...and unfair...

And I got my review back...and it was much, much better than I expected. I can't believe it...I might even get promoted this year... so I can't just up and quit...

But at this point...at this very second...I would do anything for her. I'm that far gone...and like in the past... feelings fade...or they grow stronger. I don't know what is going to happen in the future. But in the here and now....my heart beats a little faster, I stutter a little more, and I can't help but drink the color of her eyes.

I'm a sorry piece of crap... but hey, that's me.

Thursday already ???

more hecticness
Wednesday, December 17, 2003 10:22 a.m.

oh man...it's just been hectic... downright FREAKY...heh...

Went to the library again...and had lunch with Elaine...it's been MONTHS since I've seen her...and she looks so different...some new boy in her life... he's South African ( I think it's convenient...since she has major Dave Matthews fetish...heh.)...and she was sick and coughing in my face... and being the ADD girl I know and love... anyhooo.

work has been whirlwind of html code and other randomness... arrgh... I can't wait for break...I really need it.

sigh...just sigh.

went to gym... went home... Dad came back and picked up Justin... wow... I'm not playing "single parent" anymore... kinda weird.

went to gym...recorded... cleaned up...wrapped presents... all sorts of stuffies. and watched Freaky Friday... MY NEW FAVORITE MOVIE!!!

I loved it... I totally loved it...Lindsey Lohan has grown up to be sooo cute. She's only 10 years too young for me... but she is such a great actress... man... and that movie was just hilarious... maybe I'm just a big dorky kid...but that was exactly what i needed.

Ok... who be the LOTR nerds that saw the midnight showing???? Hmmmm.

Pray for Lucia...she's busted... mayhaps sick... poor baby.

And Reva is acting like a lovebird with her new dude... sigh...I'm jealous...when do I get that again? When do I feel needed and ok with the world? Lord, help me... I know there are way more important things... but man was not made to be alone...

Anyways...it's the middle of the week...and I am beat. BLAAAARGH. hug me.

jam packed day...
Tuesday, December 16, 2003 09:37 a.m.

Wow... a jam packed Monday... actually got a ton of work done..

Lunch was the most eventful thing...since I finally...FINALLY got to meet up with Sunjoo. And truth be told...she was a lot cuter than I expected her to be. And a lot nicer and not as bitchy...heh. But we had lunch at L'Express and she went off into the wild blue yonder... good thing is she got a temp job at the ASPCA right away...good going! Being productive...making the bling. We shall hang out sometime in the near future.

After work...hit the gym for an hour or so...it's getting good...not sore at all this morning. Then hit Best Buy for the kids...got a bunch of video games and other hootenanny...and then met up with Eunice for a trip to Chinatown to help her get toys for her landlord's kids...and then we had Pho... she's so cute...and weird. No need to explain...but she did write a report on dumplings for Alex... made with a virgin's blood! HAHHAHA special Shanghai surprise!

AND... poor bday girl Lucia...she broke her foot! She just...um...fell. Not tripped or nothing...just kersplat...I think she has dizzy spells or sumthin'...awww...poor clumsy clumsy baby!... feel better.

I finally let Justin crawl into bed with me... he just stayed for like 5 mins... and ended up sleeping on the floor... he just wanted to cuddle a bit... poor baby misses our folks...I'm just the substitute parent for now.

Sigh... no words need to be said. Just know that I'm ready for the let down...ready for whatever. Watch "Adaptation"... there is one little speech between the Kaufman brothers in the swamp...where Donald says that he loved this girl...even if she made fun of him... because loving her made him who he is... kinda how I feel... except nobody makes fun of me or I wrassle them to the ground !

Busy, busy...urrrgh!

Wacky weekend
Monday, December 15, 2003 09:43 a.m.

Well.. lots of minor events... but Friday was pretty good in all ... work that needed to be done got done...and had lunch with Cindy.

Was originally supposed to go uptown to meet her...but they were shooting Sex and the City in the park...so she came down and we had diner food...AND... I got to see Kristin Davis !!!

I have pics of Charolette in the park...sigh.

Went home and just cleaned up and stuff... got up early on Saturday and went to the house to grab a few things and took Justin to see the Last Samurai (which was AWESOME) and spent too much money on junk.

Came home and the family came over because Wong Po Po was in town... had some food and then Justin got mad at me because I told him to stay at LuLu's... I just needed some time to clean up, finish drumming and recording, and getting Christmas stuff ready.

Sunday... SNOW...and they caught Saddam! Woooo.

Laundry, drumming, watching the snow...it was nice... Justin came home just as I finished recording and we watched TV... that was about it... the cutest thing is that he sometimes tries to get in bed with me...but I have to kick him out because it's too hot and he drools!

My big baby.

Anyways...a Happy 21st to Lucia...she's legal now...and if she comes to NY...I'll buy her drinks.

Emily update... I'm beginning to realize ...that things probably won't work... unless she likes me enough to risk the work thing...which I doubt. What can I do ? Another crush I have to get over... but she's my friend and I enjoy her company... honestly... it's out of my hands... the light is on yellow...I'm just waiting for the green ...but most likely...the red.

Urrrgh...it's Monday.

House of Jealous Lovers...
Friday, December 12, 2003 08:31 a.m.

Thursday... rainy and feeling kinda crap-like... had to go to library and pick up some source material.

FIrst time I was by the old MOMA site yesterday...and yeah...I got a little panic-stricken...because it reminded me of her...but I got over it quick... my wounds really are healing...and I'm doing a lot better.

I did go to Chinatown and get a haircut... which looks really cute...I'm all clean cut again! wooot !

Sigh...sunjooo... hahahah. That's all I gotta say.

After work...went over to Doris'...hugn out...had wine...had pasta... watched some awful, awful "Riding in Cars With Boys"...and Jenn came over and we went to meet up with Victor.

Stopped by Azaleas...said Hi to the Cindys... went to Dok SUni (because Victor wanted to go) for the WORST (fake) Korean food EVER...it was awful...everything was bad...ugh... not even going to mention what we had...

Off to Bowery Ballroom to catch the Rapture...odd opening act...you know when they try to hard to be "indie" ugh... 80 percent sucky...20 percent ok.

The Rapture gave an amazing show... really inventive...disco beats, bass, 808 stuff, sax, Robert Smith-like vocals and...LOTS OF COWBELL! never enough COWBELL!

"Olio" was still my favorite song... it was cool... the danceable tune were groovilicious.

Funniest thing was ...after the show... Carlos from Interpol was hanging out downstairs at the bar! So I was like "Hey Carlos! Wanna smoke?!" and he was like "Um...uh...no thank you." I think I scared the bejeebus outta him! WHOOO! I scared the bassist from Interpol! Crispin Glover lookin' mother....hahahah

Stayed at Doris'...watched E! and Futurama until 2:30 and passed out...I love Doris...but she refused to gimme a hug! FEH !!!!

Walked to work today...brought Emily Cosi breakfast... and we were talking and she was like "I wear the pants in this relationship"...hahah cute. sigh.

I think I have gone past the point of no return...if she doesn't know it already... I'm just going to have to tell her how great I think she is... whether or not anything can ever happen. She's brightened my days when they were darkest here...and I need to thank her for that...at least... and oh yeah... the wanting to squeeze her thing. Heh.

TGIF!!!! Weekend of drumming...here I come !!!

RAIN!
Thursday, December 11, 2003 09:45 a.m.

What is up with this weather? It's like in the 50's and pouring out now...

Anyways... yesterday was eh... had to run some errands and get some more Christmas shopping done...still figuring out what to get the kids... Got falafels for lunch and found out that Em likes spinach, watermelon, choco, cheese, eggplant parm... vegehmatarians...feh.

Went to gym...3 mile hard core run... just punished myself...

Home...cooked dinner for Justin and just collapsed...too tired.

It's hard being a single parent...that's all I can say for sure...I'm glad my dad comes home on Monday...cause I need a break...that's for sure.

Staying over at Doris'... going to see the Rapture (The Cure, meets punk, meets dance music) with Victor, Jenn... should be fun...

Lord, when does the real Rapture come ?

Life is good... life is great. Surprises are wonderful.

too funny!!!
Wednesday, December 10, 2003 02:22 p.m.

Ok...this was too hilarious. Avert your eyes, kiddies.

In the park talking to Emily and I said..."You know...you could punch me at any time."

And she said "I could fuck you anytime?"

I was like "WHAAAAT ?!??!!? " @_@ !??!?

She was like "Maybe I'm psychic and reading your mind again..."

OH MAN... I have some tact and finesse... too funny.

That made my day.

HILLARY! I'd vote for you !!!
Wednesday, December 10, 2003 11:17 a.m.

A rather semi-eventful day yesterday...come to think of it...

Heading out for lunch...and end up taking the elevator with HILLARY CLINTON and her Secret Service dudes... me and Em were kind of shocked silent...never seen her in th ebuilding before...but her office is here...and I guess she decided to make an appearance...

Anyhoo...Em takes me to Express to get a shirt for her sister...she ends up trying on a really cute cute dres... sigh... urrrgh.

Well... off to gym after work...getting my Christmas shopping done... and working out like a fiend...ran my three miles...and was set to pass out.

End up going home...watching the Simple Life...which was hilarious! SONIC !!! Must go there one day...

Recorded for almost 2 hours...working on music is the best feeling in the world...just getting my heart out into the airwaves...

Sunjoo is home...wooot. Can we hang out now?

Whoah...it's Wednesday already ???

not much going on...
Tuesday, December 9, 2003 09:31 a.m.

Spent the day indoors...watching more Aliens...more anime...

Was going to record some drums...but never got around to it... ended up setting up... and napping.

What is wrong with me? I hibernated all weekend...maybe taking care of Justin is more tiring than I thought it would be...

Had one of those... "can't get to sleep nites"...tossing and turning and thinking about crap...

Ok... the building just announced an emergency...something about the cooling tower ? HUH ? I may have to evacuate... what's going on ??? ** Emergency was no AC for the day... urrrgh.

SIgh... Emily looks cute today. Why am I an ass?

Snow's coming down...I'm wathcing it fall...
Monday, December 8, 2003 12:54 p.m.

So… it’s been really coming down on the east coast…and most of the people I know have spent the entire weekend indoors. I, however, get to spend another day…

Yup…taking Monday off so I can use up one of extra floating vacation days.

Friday… went to lunch with Emily at the Tomato Restaurant…one of those places I always pass, but never had a chance to try. We had fried green tomato sammiches… much better than I thought they’d be…

In any case… she asked me to spend New Year’s with her by going to that party/run through Central Park…Is it a big deal to spend New Year’s with someone? I always thought it was…but I can never tell. Doris says that I shouldn’t be someone’s “cuddle bitch”…but isn’t there the possibility that she might one day feel something for me? Is that something that is so crazy? I don’t know… feelings change, time and circumstance play such a big role…and I’m not quite sure myself.

It’s true that I’ve been whining about her on these pages…in fact, a lot. But I am so reluctant to give that part of myself away anymore. All the craziness that has happened since the “CHASM” that happened a year and a half ago…and I’m still left floundering and feeling as if I’m strafing the gunfire… I’m afraid of a lot of things…I’ve tried being quiet, I’ve tried confrontation…but the bottom line is… “if she feels it.” Once a woman has made up her mind, it takes a damn lot to change it otherwise.

So, I’m going to sit back as long as I can…because this is consuming me. She’s beautiful, sweet, she makes me laugh, she gets what I’m thinking, she teaches me things, she makes me want to be a better person, she appreciates me for what I do, she’s sassy, she surprises me like no one else … she’s got all the makings of a good friend. I’m glad that I’ve gotten to know her. But I am guarding my heart so tightly… I’m scared of feeling too much…scared of the inevitable letdown.

But “what if…” that’s the thing. Bide your time… God opens…and shuts doors. Patience is THE virtue. It’s possible…anything is.

Whew…anyways… spent the whole weekend with Justin watching tv..eating junk food… hibernating like my inner grizzly bear has been begging me to do.

My hands are all sliced up due to a shower crisis…tools cut me while I was trying to shut down the water…eh… pain is minimal.

HA… I had a psychic moment… for some reason…I called Doris “Meatloaf” because I was quoting “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that” …and apparently Victor and some other of her friends called her “meatball” which evolved into “meatloaf.” I’m psychic! How random is that??

Justin is a drooly kid…but he’s still my baby…he’s still so cute.

Finished two anime series. X and Argento Soma…Argento Soma didn’t really end all that well…bah…but it was a good series nonetheless. X… one of my favorite all time series now…completely different than the way the movie ended… whooooo. awesome stuff….I WANT MORE…oh man. Beautiful, dramatic, lots of actions, deep story. Made me tear up on more than one occasion. The love stories, the sacrifice, the honor…wow. One of the best anime series ever. Check it out.

Talked to Amy last night… Lana’s mom passed away recently… not sure what to say to Lana…it’s such a deep pain… what can you possibly say that would make it better. Faith is one thing…but the temporary separation… the wide expanse that separates heaven and earth… there is nothing that can really make that feel closer. In time…

On a lighter note… Amy needs recs. Will write one for her… and… apparently…Grace Chung is going to get engaged soon. When that happens… I’m not sure what I should feel. Arrrgh. The past. Again.

Snowed in… thinking too much… arrrgh.

New Year's Eve... off and running
Friday, December 5, 2003 02:17 p.m.

Oh man... am I dumb?

I'm apparently running a marathon on New Year's Eve with Emily...

We're going to be doing this (and Cindy and Elliott are going to the same thing) : MARATHON!

Sigh...the stupid things I do for cute girls.

Maybe I'll get a midnight smoochie. :)

Or not. :(

I like playing for strangers...
Friday, December 5, 2003 09:36 a.m.

Hectic, hectic day of meetings, research, and more anxiety about wimmins.

Lunchtime H &M run with Em...she tried on this siver miners cap that she really liked...it was sooo cute...but in a funny way... sigh. Didn't have the heart to tell her it was too ironic for her to wear... anyways...

Love advice...sheesh...can people's advice be more diverse? Everyone thinks one way or another... eh...

Justin called me when he got home from school and left the cutest/weirdest message on my voice mail...he was singing the "polaroid picture" part of Hey Ya!.... adorable...

Showtime.... odd people come and watch me... my old coworkers Evan and Amy came out to see me play! And Eunice came late too... I can always count on her... (why won't she just marry me? sheeesh...is that so much to ask?)

Did my set ....and things got complicated because of technical difficulties...crap...need a new chorus pedal...anywayws... soldiered on and did my first set... and things got interesting for my covers... it was a slow night...but it was about 30 people that came in and out... ended up doing songs I didn't expect to do...like the Adam Sandler ones... "Somebody" and dang...people love New Order. ..and almost all the 80's songs.

One guy in a suit... kept requesting all the hard rock and 80's ones...interesting. He gave me a 5 dollar tip...he loved me!

Weirdest moment...a blind man and his seeing eye dog came in... just as someone requested "There is A Light"...and he was like "a light isn't going to help me" ...and he was like..."I need a list that I can read"...meaning braille... ACK! I felt awful...

Also this Penelope Cruz (if she had a younger sister) made me play "HURT" twice! And I opened and closed with "Cry Me a River"... (dang...people sure like the falsetto) it was fun... I got some Outkast and Kelis in there... and I was spent. ooof.

Oh...and new waitress Sarah... she's a little older...but sooooo cute. *squeal.

Talked to Evan...he kissed me on the cheek...hahah how odd. But he and Amy are moving in together and doing well... they are both freelancing...and me and Amy are gonna go see some shows together... if Evan can't go that is...

Had some food with Eunice. I love her germs... between her and Justin coughing on me...I will be sick by Monday... grrrreat.

Had a great time... exhausted... made just about 70 bucks again! Distractions are good...

And oh yeah... it's TGIF time. Praise God. wooot !

"at least I saw her arse."
Thursday, December 4, 2003 09:44 a.m.

Another hectic day of running around at work... had to go to the library...then come back and take pictures of the staff for our intranet site...and read lots of Malaysian literature...

Anyhoo... had lunch with Emily at Cosi...and she read my mind... she ordered a Cobb salad for me...which is what I wanted and I didn't even say it! And I was like...how did you know...I was just about to say that! in any case... we saw Julia Roberts on the street... but I only saw her bum...cause I was busy talking to Emily when she was like "JULIA ROBERTS!".. urrrgh.

Home...my parents packed up and left for China...the thing that freaked me out ...was my Mom was telling me about their financial assets and if anything happened...I would have to do this and that... yipes...I guess it was because it was the first time both my parents went off by themselves without us...in any case... I've got Justin to take care of for a week and a half...all by my lonesome... yipes.

I practiced...we ate...and that was that...

Looked at Sam's website and was reminded of why I liked her...I love the way she writes... sigh. Words still get to me. And her photographs...and how geekycool she can be. Oh well... things like this never work out for me, huh ?

Had a looong dream about spilling my guts to Emily...it was pretty long and protracted...me saying everything I liked about her... why I thought she was great...and why I thought it would be good for us...and leaving the whole "work" thing up in the air... it's up to her... etc...

But I'm realizing that... nothing is ever going to come out of this. We have a great friendship and working relationship...and we both are kind of looking for something... so maybe it's the attention? Maybe it's the comraderie? Maybe we are just denying something because we are afraid... or maybe it's just fun, safe, and convenient when we know that nothing could happen... or maybe I'm just dumb.

I'm not a playa I just crush a lot.

Sigh... I need to find someone good for me.

I'm ready for my gig now. Need to let off some steam.

All I want for Christmas...
Wednesday, December 3, 2003 09:40 a.m.

Well, a drift and a flurry yesterday...but that was it...still waiting for the first real snow...but man...the wind was whipping. I felt like someone kicke me arse!

Work was hectic with meetings and rushing around getting stuff in. Mostly suggestions for Lit...

Not much happened... besides the Sam thing... not sure what to think at this point...but finally read the NY Times articel about her... hmmm. In any case, we are supposed to hang out sometime soon... we IMed a bit yesterday...and I'm still a little confused about some things...but it's all waitandsee at the moment. I think she's a brilliant girl, she's pretty, she's cool...but I really don't know alll that much about her. I do miss her company... that's all I can say for sure.

Got the Alien Quadrilogy last night... OH MAN...my geekmeter went off the charts...it's AWESOME...but the packaging ugh... sucky...and one of the DVD holder things came unglued! GRRRR !!!!

Practiced, practiced... I'm coming down with something...adn the cold is not doing my voice any good... arrrgh. I don't know how I'll sound tomorrow...I'm a little worried...oh well...

Sunjoo...Lucia... sigh. Young and having fun...but remember your choices and decisions now will shape who you are in the future...not everything is easily forgotten...the here and now do have consequences...guard your hearts. Boys are dumb.

Folks are leaving today for 2 week trip across China... so that means... me and Justin will have to fend for ourselves... I forget that my baby is 13 now... please stay cute for a little longer !!!!

Put my Christmas want list on the side bar... who gonna get me stuff ??? And what would you like ?

first snow...sorta.
Tuesday, December 2, 2003 09:30 a.m.

Monday, monday... not very eventful... bunch of meetings at work, other assorted crap I need to do here... and Emily looked really cute... blaaaargh.

We played a game at work over our monthly lunch shindig... I was supposed to ask "yes or no" questions to guess who I was... which was "Harry Potter"... I ended up thinking I was a leprechaun at first...but I figured it out eventually.

Went home to clean up from the Toronto-ness...and to rehearse...I'm not in fighting shape, I have to admit... must practice lots and lots tonight... arrrrgh!

This question of "regressing" has come up lately... and I admit...I do still think of the infamous "E" and the infamous "S" from time to time... but honestly...I'm over it. It's in the past...and I am better than I've ever been.

But it's hard to get over someone that was so much a part of your life...no matter how brief a time...the essence of the person lingers in places and things. It's hard to exorcize those demons...but the house must be purified... in order for anyone else to move in.

So my advice is simple: let it go.

Anyhoo... the first frost was on the ground this morning... and by now...it's gone. A quick dusting over, a sparkle that's welcome.

Back... and my commercial is done!
Monday, December 1, 2003 09:39 a.m.

First off: The SPL commercial is done ! You'll need Windows Media Player to see it.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE COMMERCIAL!

Other than that... I'm back... yesterday was... life-changing... had the BEST BUFFET ever...it's one of those meals where you think... wow... in heaven...they must have something like this.

Our whole family went to this sushi place... where you paid one price and could order EVERYTHING they had on the menu. It was insane...it wasn't cheap-ass stuff either...it was all very, very good. Needless to say...I don't think I need to eat for a very long time...I'm pretty much all full up on that repast.

Said our goodbyes... won't be for a while until we see all of our family gathered like that... it was a happy occassion. Happy B-day Gramma!

Rest of the time...was spent in the car... got home at about 1 and collapsed shortly after... it was a trip. All in all... it just reinforced how much I love my family and how we've all grown and matured... Jenny drives! Jack's almost a vegan! Angela makes funny IgottapoobutI can't faces! Felicia is mellowed out! Serena grew the most! Alyssa is cute and boogery! Susan is living it up in Taiwan! And the rest that couldn't be here...It's never enough time... I love 'em.

So here I am...back at work. Monday. WOO.

leaving... in a mini-van.
Sunday, November 30, 2003 10:40 a.m.

Well, it's Sunday morning and we just got up...we are going to have lunch with the family...and then take off for home.

MY cousin Angela is so cute...she just gave me a hug and said she had a said dream of us leaving... awww.

Yesterday was pretty fun...we met up with Jack in downtown Toronto and had Thai food at this place called "Salad King" ... which didn't have salad... and didn't have Thai Iced Tea ! I told the waitress to tell her boss about this glaring oversight.

We walked up and down Yonge street and didn't really buy anything...but it was fun. Got a chance to hang with the cousins.. I can't beleive that Jenny actually drives US around now.. funny.

Came home, showered, and got ready for the big banquet. MY grandma's 80th bday... so our family went to the restaurant... made some toasts and shed some tears... but it was great to see everyone together.

Our family has so many secrets and things that are hidden...but my cousin's uncle brought his long term boyfriend... so why can't the rest of my family come to terms with the other stuff? Odd. Our generation is much more openminded...

Family came over and just hung out...had soem brandy...watched TV... it was nice.

But alas... we have to say goodbye to Toronto and my beloved family. I'm sore from sleeping on the floor and having Justin kick me in the head every night...and I miss my bed...and NY and my girls...and my crap...

Pray for a safe trip...urrrgh...and work on Monday ? Oh man... we'll see.

infamous buffet...and weird dreams.
Saturday, November 29, 2003 10:01 a.m.

OK... so I just woke up and I still remember my dream... man... it was weird...it was Vince Neil...and Eunice. OH MAN! And it was New Year's and Eunice was at a party with me...and the Motley Crue/Eunice videotape was playing...and I was like GAAAH... she's like Paris Hilton! HAHAH weird, huh ? I had dreams everynight I've been here at my cousins...but I didn't remember them...but THAT one I did. eeeep !

We went to nasty Star Walk buffet yesterday, wandered around a couple of malls, and then Jenny and Angela took us to another mall... we bought some crap... not sure of the excahange rate here so taking it easy...

AND THEN...we got Popeye's and pizza (guess whose idea THAT was) and got "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" and stayed up to binge and watch TV...

I love hanging out with my cousins...but I miss my bed and my apartment...and the good ol' USA... soon enough, I'll be home.

dangnabbit...it's cold!
Friday, November 28, 2003 10:19 a.m.

Canada is the land of ice and snow...and buffets,donuts, maple syrup, and milk-in-bags.

We had a long day of ...eating and shopping mostly yesterday...freezing rain was a major downer...but it was kind of fitting when we went to the cemetary to visit my grandpa's gravesite.

It's been five years now... and I guess I've been there 3-4 times..but for my cousin (who was closer to him) she broke down and was hugging the headstone... it's tough when they live out in LA and the rest of us are on the east coast...but time ...does it ever really heal that expanse?

Anyways...we were surrounded by CHinese people...my goodness...I miss non-Asians... we had CHinese food for lunch at the food court...shopped at these Chinese malls... where I got some bootleg(shhhh) anime. And "emily the strange" stuff is HUGE here... so I had to pick up a little something for Em... why am I such a sucker... idiot.

Came back to Jenny/Susan's and watched some Azumanga Daioh...which surprisingly, my cousins really liked... and then dinner at Congee Wong...and ELF !

Soooo much more satisfying than Matriz... lots of great cameos and genuine laughs... a very sweet movie...and jeebus Mary Steenburgen looks good for her age...

More anime...cookies and milk with the cousins...and sleep. We are still so cute and innocent...little does anyone know.

LOTS... of secrets on this side of the family... hahaha all my cousins are hiding boyfriend/girlfriends or hiding the fact that they are sleeping with/living with them... I guess ignorance is bliss. I live by that rule sometimes... heh.

But it definitely has been good seeing them. And blogging while we wait for the shower is some good alone time.

Sigh...next time I see these guys...I want to tell them "yeah, I have a great girlfriend, I'm almost done with my novel, my music is doing well, and I got promoted at work..." good stuff for once... not this blaaahness I'm feeling.

I can't complain... I love my family and I'm having a good time...even if it is "raisinet weather" and we got no turkey...

EH...buffet time...soon enough.

Happy Thanksgiving... I get no turkey... :(
Thursday, November 27, 2003 10:43 a.m.

Well, we made it to Toronto in record time... took us just about 8 hours to get here... me, Justin, and Eric...my Dad and my uncle in the Odyssey...sounds kind of epic, huh ?

The Chang sausage party was basically us eating in the car and reading and playing GBA...well at least Justin was...the little hog!

I was convinced that this was the perfect time for me to start reading The Lovely Bones... whew... I finished it in the car...cover to cover.

One of the saddest books I ever read...I was tearing like the moody bitch I am... but there were some parts that were a little "untrue" to the crafted direction, I felt.

Anyways... COUSINS! Jack, Felicia, Serena, Angela, Jenny, Alicia...we were all together... though Susan, Mitchell, Vivian, and Unico (what's her English name...crap) were not around...

We caught up... had some awful Chinese food... watched TV and carried on as we normally do. It was lots of fun.

Today...our plan is to visit our grandfather's grave site, head to the mall, maybe catch a flick, all in all... lots of time just chilling with the fam and seeing if we can reconnect as people... who share the same blood.

My momma's going to be home with the other side of the family today...and she'll be coming over Saturday.

But no turkey apparently for us this year. :( At least I don't have to cook! Happy Thnaksgiving !

Tell America we are thankful and we miss her.

before we go to Toronto...
Wednesday, November 26, 2003 12:16 a.m.

Since I won't have time to post (most likely) while I am in Toronto...just wanted to write about some of the more eventful things that happened today...

Poor Eunice and CIndy...both feeling sick...what's going on ? I'd take care of them...if I didn't have the sniffles and hockaloogies myself...

And Reva finally moved! Yay! No more psycho roomies for her!

Yes... Em is still acting a little weird...not sure what is going on...but she knows I'm there for her if she needs me..

Today was Mark's last day.. and let me say...he totally fagged out today! Earing and bracelet... hugging me all day... eeew. HAHAH but I love the guy...got him a Frankie Valli CD...and told him to practice his singing... a bunch of su took him out to Duke's and had some soul food... sad to see him go...but I'm sure I will see him outside the office... he's like some weird gay-father-figure to me... weird, huh ?

OK...so...the NY Times Magazine has a 10 page article on Sam. About her dating habits...and it chronicles how she met this guy (the guy that apparently she was geting serious with)... and I just skimmed the article cause I was getting a little... peeved. But in any case... urrrgh! SO I IM her...and she still wants to hang out...and I did like her as a person... but apparently she has an "open relationship" with this guy...not as serious as I thought...so I told Sam... we should be friends...

And that I realyl only have room for one blonde in my life... hahah maybe two. I admit it.

So...we are going to meet up sometime in the coming weeks...oh well. She's an interesting person... I have to admit that.

Well... said goodbye to Mark...and tried to get Em's sister's bracelet engraved...but nothing was open...went out to 47th St....the Diamond District...but all closed....anyways... Em's had a hard week...but I tired to cheer her up...went to Manny's and played her the music to the song I wrote (I didn't sing...it would have embarassed her) but she is my muse...for the time being...and she knows it.

She kind of suggested that we spend New Year's together...maybe go to a ball or something...get dressed up and go out someplace nice... wow...that would be great....she would be a lovely date... if only... grrrr.

Anyways...must get over this! NooooOO

Home... had some pizza...packed up...got my sheet music together... got X2, Bruce Almighty, and NEW KORN ALBUM!

Eric's home...so 7:30 in the AM...we are off...my family that is in NY may use my pad while I'm gone...I'm dreading it... arrrgh !

Oh...and Em called... she reminded me about Shania Twain concert on TV...she's so thoughtful..sigh.

I'm a dork. I admit it... a thousand times a thousand.

Anyhooo... have a great Thanksgiving without me ! Wish me a safe trip to the land of donuts, beer, and eeeeehhhhhhhhh!

I'll bring you back some maple syrup, kiddies.

weird?
Tuesday, November 25, 2003 09:38 a.m.

What a weird Monday... Emily had a bad weekend or something...she didn't say more than 10 words to me all day... I tried to stay away...last thing you want to do to someone who is pissed off is to annoy them... hope she's ok... seems ok so far today... hmmm...

Anyways... the day flew by since I spent a lot of time at the library doing research and shiznat... and got the Ben Stiller show on DVD ! wooot! I love sketch comedy...

ANNNND... went out to Grand Central to get some great pizza with Doris... it was so nice to go someplace different for lunch... last week with Cindy and yesterday with the D... it was fun.

After work... did some shopping ...got two cool shirts from H and M for my next show ... and met up with Tomoko for coffee...

I had a little crush on her back in high school ...but I remember asking her friends...and she liked someone else back then...oh well.. but she was always a good friend... more nerdycute back in the day...

But whoooo...she grew up and grew some GAMS (hahaha I love old-timey speak) ... and she's matured into a lovely young woman... cept she has some male-tendencies... like riding motorcycles, obsessed with baseball, etc... but all in all...we've both changed...and we both stay the same.

Anyhooo...we are going to try to hang out more... it was nice to see her.

Home... and watched Ben Stiller and Real World/Road Rules... did I mention how much I LOVE Sarah... what a warrior! And I think she's adorable...

Oh... and um...yeah.. that IS Paris Hilton... what a moron!

Last day at work before loooong weekend... heading up to Toronto in the early AM tomorrow...should be fun.

Happy Thanksgiving !

archived...for your pleasure.
Monday, November 24, 2003 09:25 a.m.

Fresh new page as we enter the short, short, two day work week. I'm here on time...and there is no one here... what a weird office.

Friday: Pretty much went home right after work... but the oddest thing was... while walking with Emily to the station... just gonna say goodbye she said "bye honey." I was like ?!??!? where did that come from? I'm a silly boy...but girls... words do mean something... especially if a boy is all hung up over you... careful!

Actually had an interesting lunch...went uptown to meet Cindy for Thai food and went to the Amish market around there... interesting change of pace...finally had a chance to meet with her for lunch... we look different in the daylight!

Saturday and Friday night...spent most of it cooking and watching DVDs... not much to talk about besides cleaning up the already-pretty-neat-space I keep... I'm all about "organized mess"...

Grace shows up around 8...and she looks HOT... so I serve her up a four course meal and we share a bottle of wine, some good conversation. my rendition of "Cry Me A RIver"...and continue our promise to hang out more... a little flirty...but it's still somewhat... tentative.

I've known her for years...but it's only recently that we are opening up to each other and feeling more comfortable. She's probably the most level-headed girl I know, she's gorgeous, smart asallgetout (MIT!), devoted to her family, and a tough cookie with a soft inside... sigh.

But who knows... I'm never one to say never...but we'll see how things are in the future...for now...she's a great friend...and I broke my promise never to cook for anothe r girl until I knew she loved me.. oh well..

In any case... we had a good time...I got her on the train around midnight... and I collapsed.

I was wiped out... I didn't wake up until almost 1 the next day... and still nursing a bit of a cold... snot bubbles are not attractive, my friend.

Spent Sunday watching tv and helping the grandparents...I should really go to church... need to get Redeemer in Forest Hills...that would be grrrreat.

Other than that... not much else... feeling forlorn, despondent, etc...

Need to get over all of this happy crap.

But...it's Monday... whaddayagonnado?