home again...
Tuesday, August 2, 2005 12:31 a.m.

Just got home a few minutes ago...and I have to say that I don't feel much better. We took the GW Bridge on the way home and I couldn't help but think that's the way she used to drive to my place... It's just heartbreaking to think of things like this...and it still hurts so much. I want to be able to move on...but at this point...I really think I need to wipe the slate clean and get away from all these painful memories.

With that said...we spent Sunday at Ontario Place... Justin played games and we went on rides and watched some IMAX stuff. Ate like pigs...meaning I actually had real food all weekend...which has me all freaked out...so I'm going to work out extra hard tomorrow.

More food today and we were home by midnight. That portable DVD player helps...but the dozing off in the car... gave me some bad dreams about her. I want this to really stop... my heart can't take much more of this. My cousin Jenny is going to South Africa...which happened to be a place that she mentioned wanting to go with me... small world, huh?

I spoke with my cousin and she says that the job market in Taiwan is actually really good. I could definitely find something if I wanted to...and I really have to consider this... I think at earliest...I could move there in October. I'm not sure if this will be what I am looking for...but it is definitely an option.

So, it looks as if I will be leaving sometime this week. I'm going to try to get a ticket and be in Taiwan by this weekend. I have a ton of stuff I need to get done before I go... lots to do...and I'm just ready for an entire paradigm shift at this point. Lord knows, this has been the hardest year of my life...and I'm ready to take off and try something completely new. So, keep me in your prayers... this is brand new for me... and it might be what I need.

oh, Canada...
Saturday, July 30, 2005 06:48 p.m.

So...we drove through the night and got into Toronto at 9 AM on Friday morning. The trip went really quickly inbetween bouts of sleep and watching the new portable dvd player.

We got to my grandma's place and we just crashed until the afternoon. After that we went to Pacific Mall and just wandered around. Some cops came to bust the bootleg dvd sellers...so Justin was lucky to get his Naruto before the shops closed down. Then we wandered around some more and went to some new T&T food place... met up with Jenny and my aunts and uncles and we had dinner. We were all pretty beat and I went to my grandma's and just crashed.

Saturday morning...we went to the cemetary to visit my grandpa's grave site. My family was all in good spirits and they cleaned up the tombstone and the area, watered the plants. There are these two little trees right by the headstone...and my mom told me a story that when my dad, her, and Justin went up a few years ago to plant those little trees, my other grandfather dreamt that my grandpa was telling him how he kept feeling like his feet were all wet... strange.

| think I was the only one to get choked up because I was praying and then I thought about how the last time my grandpa saw Justin...he was only like 7 years old...and now he's so big...

In any case...we went to that awesome sushi buffet place afterwards...where you just order whatever you want on the menu for 12 bucks a person...and since my stomach shrunk so much...I think I ate the least out of everyone...but it was still a lot for me.

Talked to Jenny about the prospects of living in Taiwan...and she thinks it is totally feasible...she says a lot of people go there and can pay off their debt because the cost of living is so low that they can save money and pay off their debt at the end of the day...I have so much stuff I need to take care of...but if I could manage to make arrangements and I could actually get my stuff in order...I could possibly live there for a year or so.

I'm not sure I want to leave my life in NY altogether...but there is just so much pain and heartbreak tied to my memories there...maybe what I need is to get away and to break off from that destructive scent...I don't know.

I still think about her all the time...and it doesn't hurt any less. Things I tried to forget come back to me all of a sudden and I just want to scream or cry or...

And all I manage to do is a few push ups or something physical...I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of this haunting. Why does this happen to me all the time? Why can't I find someone who will love me for who I am...and is willing to stick around to see how amazing I could be?

Not having a job at the moment is making things that much harder...so...this trip will do me some good. I cannot wait to just go hang out with my cousin, go clubbing, explore, do some research, and forget about all the cruelty that has transpired these past few months.

Lord, I hope things get better. I'm trying different things and getting out...I hope something good will just spark...I want to be joyful again... and have it last.

international roadtrip...
Thursday, July 28, 2005 08:22 p.m.

Been a busy day... got up ...worked out...some worker came and fixed the bathroom ceiling that was damaged when upstairs sprung a leak... then went to Costco with my mom.

Picked up a nice Magnavox portable DVD player for our roadtrip. It was on sale for $200 bucks...and I had a 10% off coupon...the guy at Best Buy really shouldn't have given it to us...but he did... oops... oh well..

So...looks like we are going to drive through the night and get to Canada sometime early tomorrow a.m. Well, that's the plan...see if my Dad is too tired to drive...meaning I would actually get to drive a shift...which would be great.

In any case...I am all set to get the heck out of NY and forget my troubles for awhile. I'm so tired of thinking about the same things...trying not to... failing...and feeling miserable. I'm ready to just wipe my thoughts for awhile and just go somewhere. Taiwan trip will be finalized when I get back.. wonder how that will turn out.

So Chris gets the apartment all to himself for a few days...and I get bombarded with Canadian buffets...let's see if I can hold out... I just know I'll be working out like mad next week.

Speaking of which...I had to roll my shorts twice, three times...and they were still too big...I might be the thinnest I've been since high school... I wonder if I can really meet my goals. My mom didn't even recognize me for a second when she came by yesterday... funny...

Oh yeah.. Mohegan Sun... buffet...couldn't eat much...picked up an "Everybody Loves Raymond" coffee table book...and just watched Justin play games. Pretty much it.

And some random guy emailed me and wanted to book me for a show... he books talent for two clubs in NYC...one happens to be above a strip club...interesting.

So, going to try to not think abut how much I miss that girl, going to try not to think about not having a job...and going to just leave this town for awhile. Updates later... maybe up north. We'll see.

making plans...
Tuesday, July 26, 2005 10:59 p.m.

Ok...so for the short term: going to Mohegan Sun AGAIN ... my folks' anniversary tomorrow...and that's where they want to go...sigh...I guess I'm going to re-read some old Harry Potter books then.

Leaving for Canada on Friday...back on Monday...and then... if the tickets go off without a hitch...I'm off to Taiwan on Friday. I should be gone for about three weeks. A lot can happen in that time...and when I get back...well, the summer should be winding down some...and hopefully, I'll have some good news...and at least a bit more healing.

I know I should really be worrying about the job thing a lot more...but the visceral feeling of this heart break is what I really need to be healed from. I can't help but miss her. I can't help but want her back... I can't help but want someone, any one to take this pain away...

And in the end...I'm still alone...and I need to get through this.

I have my friends and family...and God. I know this...but that paucity, that unending feeling of someone missing where someone used to be...that needs to be filled one day. I just hope I'm ready and willing to open up again.

It's been a hard summer... some glimmers of good news: "lo-fi is chic." is available at Amazon and CDBaby...and a bunch of major online retailers...that's just so cool...but it's not as much of a kick as it would have been if things were going well...

And my cousin landed a job at a newspaper in Rockland County...so congrats on that...

Seems like things are picking up...I just hope this wave of good stuff hits me soon. Lord knows I need something good.

keeping busy...
Tuesday, July 26, 2005 04:36 p.m.

More of the same. Working out, praying, applying to jobs. Trying to just send spec letters out and just applying for anything that I think I am remotely qualified for. I refuse to give up...even if the tide seems to be against me now.

I'm just wracking my brain for anything that I am overlooking. I'm going to just put myself out there and hope that something sticks.

I'm trying not to think about her...trying not to relive the memories...but it's so hard not to miss her. I don't want to think badly about her at all...and I still want her back. I don't want to believe that this is how it ends between us. I wish she would come to her senses and realize what we could have had.

I don't have much to offer right now...but I know what I am capable of ...and I'm determined that something good will come out of all of this. I just need patience and determination.

So, if anyone can think of something I haven't tried...if anyone has any connections to publishing or anything remotely associated with it...please let me know ASAP.

Other than that... just planning my trips. Off to Canada on Friday...going to look at tickets to Taiwan tonight with my Mom... and trying to just take this day to day...

More later...

weekend away...
Monday, July 25, 2005 09:45 p.m.

After a disappointing Friday...I had to get away on Saturday. I couldn't face a big group of people for Nancy's post-bridal shower (sorry Sabs and Karen) so I went to NJ with my family. My aunts picked me up and we ended up going to Best Buy where I used some coupons and got another boxset of "Everybody Loves Raymond"...I just can't get enough of that show! It just makes me feel better...usually.

And I admit...I pigged out a bit at my aunt's house. I had real food for once in the past like 2 weeks... I stayed home with one of my aunts and my other aunt went to her friend's kid's bday party. When my folks and the kids and everyone came home... I was exhausted.

Sunday...we went to visit my great uncle. He lives by the Jersey Shore...so after lunch, uncle Alan and I took the kids to the boardwalk so the kids could ride some really expensive carnival rides and play games. They all won something...and I just stared at the ocean and prayed that God would make things better.

The job thing is stressful enough...and then I can't stop thinking about her and what we could have had. It hurts so much to think that this is how it is going to end... tragedy. I never wanted this. I would rather I had never heard from her...than to have her in my life again and for it to end so abruptly. I have to admit that I really think it is better never to have loved....if it hurts this much...I'd rather not have had it.

I want things to get better...and I'm doing as much as I can to do things that will make it so. I'm struggling every day...and slowly... I'm trying to get back to normal...and to be wiser and smarter. Honestly, I can only think that a job would make things easier...and finding someone to love... would help...but these things are so often out of my control. I'm leaving it to God...I just hope I have the patience and the strength to hang in there when things are so hard now.

We ended up going to a buffet for dinner...and my aunts helped my great uncle with some stuff before his trip to Taiwan (seems like a lot of people are going there...) and we ended up getting back to there place after midnight. My folks were back and we drove home...got in at 2... and then moved some stuff in...and passed out.

Monday...took Justin and Philip to Justin's dentist's appointment. Afterwards...I took them to the city where I had free passes to see "Sky High"...my mom was late...but she made it in just in time. The movie was a lot of fun and had cast members from KITH, Mr. Show, and Super Troopers...and of course... Bruce Campbell! I'm sure the writer/director had some ties to comedy groups or something...in any case...it was a lot of fun.

I came home to work out and Chris met up with my mom and the kids in Flushing. And yes, I had some take out. Ok...the real food ends now! Back on the diet tomorrow!

Romana is giving some huge speech at a National Convention...which is good news...and Doris is going to St. Thomas on vacation...so the summer seems to be picking up.

Me, well I have an idea for a children's book...after finishing HP6 (the last 200 pages were great...but a lot of the beginning was kind of slow) and watching "Sky High" ...I'm feeling inspired. I may try my hand at writing again...maybe during my trip...or after.

And I'm thinking about Cali, Philly, DC, and Boston as other options at the moment. As long as I can get out of the tri-state area... and just leave these memories behind and start over...it might be worth looking into.

I'm tired of this heartbreak and disappointment. Maybe all of this happened so I would just get in great physical shape (man, you have to see my arms and shoulders now...and they are getting better every day) and to force me to go for some radical change. I'm not sure what God wants me to do...and I'm praying for discernment here. Clarity, wisdom, peace, understanding, strength...these are things I need desperately.

So yes, keep praying for me...I'm inching towards something better. Something I can't see yet...but I have faith that I will come out of this a better man...and some one out there will love me for who I am about to become.

more disappointment...
Friday, July 22, 2005 11:06 p.m.

Well, I didn't get the job at Marvel. I got a form email that was exactly what I expected. They thanked me for my time but my skills and experience did not match fully with what they were looking for at the time. I don't know if that means someone who worked in comics already was hired or what... I'm not sure what happened... but I emailed the guy I was writing to before...and he told me not to give up. He said that Marvel really does keep people on file and that if there was a position that opened up later...they may contact me.

So, I'm not sure what to do right now. I could send DC a letter...but not sure if that would do any good. I could get the Sunday Times and look through it to see if there is anything... and then again...I could just go to Taiwan for a month and check it out.

At this point...I'm thinking I should do all of the above. I really am at my wits end and I have no idea what to do now. I'm praying that God will open a door for me...and that something even better will come along. I'm praying that I won't lose hope and that this will really make me hustle and just get out there and find myself.

No girl, no job, no money...it's not even the fact that I have such low self-esteem right now...it's the fact that I don't know what to do. I'm praying for peace, understanding, wisdom, and strength to carry on. I can't let this be the end of me...and if I have to run away to collect myself...then maybe that's for the best.

I don't know what is worse...but I know that I can't stay in my apartment by myself much longer. I am going mad and this deep sense of loneliness will ultimately kill me if I don't get out and do something...anything.

So, I went to get some comics (and yes, despite the Marvel thing...I did pick up some of their stuff...and new Anime Insider with two of my articles is out...I should be getting a check and comp copies later this week then) and went to see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" with Eunice.

It was a great movie and I think I rank it under "War of the Worlds" as my second fave this summer. Just bizare, fun, and most importantly...it made me forget my troubles for a few hours. I thank Eunice for making me get out tonight. Thank you.

And home now...trying to figure out what to do next. I should do some research on the job market in Taiwan...I should look at more jobs online...I shouldn't despair.

With all the crazy things going on in the world...this might seem so trivial...but to me it feels like my life and my world and just crumbling all around me. This has been the hardest year of my life...and it's just gotten worse and worse. I'm not sure when things will get better...but they could always be worse...and I thank God for my blessings. My friends, my family, my health, my basic needs, all the things I take for granted...I know how much they mean now.

So maybe I will be like Charlie Bucket...on the verge of having nothing...and then a windfall...a stroke of luck that changes his life. Maybe there is something like that in my future... I don't know...but I can hope that things will change for the better. I just need the patience, the will, and the strength to carry through...and I pray that God will be merciful...when I need Him the most.

So, please continue to pray for me. Take me out if you can. Cheer me up when I need it...and just be there and help me if you can. I am totally humbled and my pride is shattered. I cannot lean on my own strength now. I'm praying for God and those that love me to really help me through this.

I'm still hanging in there. Still hoping and praying.

finally...some news.
Friday, July 22, 2005 01:54 p.m.

Ok...finally heard back from Marvel. The guy I was working with on the scripts just got promoted so the interview process stuff got passed on to someone else. They are bringing the new person up to speed...so he doesn't know my status yet but he thinks that I should be hearing something soon.

He also said that comic books are like Hollywood--"hurry up and wait."

So, there might be a glimmer of hope left. God may want me to stick around NY some more. We'll see.

If anything, next week will be pretty crucial...if logic serves me correctly...they will probably want the new hires to start the first week of August to get the pay roll stuff on the mark.

So, another week of waiting... for now...more working out...seeing a movie with Eunice tonight and Karen and Sabs and whomever else comes out tomorrow night. Trying to keep busy...the weekends are difficult...wait, so are the weeks.

Got to keep thinking positive. God wants what is best for me...even if it really hurts in the meantime...things will turn out for the better in the end. Just have to keep hope alive. And then...there is always Taiwan...

Have a good weekend, kids. Keep me in your prayers. I'll do the same for you. TGIF.

the plan...and hope
Thursday, July 21, 2005 09:53 p.m.

Ok... I've been thinking about this for awhile...but after having dinner with my folks and discussing it with them...I think we've come up with something.

I'm leaving the country.

Well, this all depends on whether or not I get the job at Marvel. I still have hope for that. Considering that the EIC just signed his contract 2 days ago...and they did mention that he wanted to meet all the candidates... it might be possible that they wanted to make sure he was still around before hiring anyone. So, I do still have hope for a job there. If it's "yes" then...I'll be happy with my dream job. If it's "no"...I'm going to Taiwan.

The plan is I would go to Taiwan for about a month or so to visit family and friends, see if I could take the culture shock, make some connections to see if I could actually find a teaching job (ideally, I'd teach kids who were going to America for college...teach them English like colloquiallisms, slang, idioms, etc..stuff they wouldn't get in a standard English class...or just a straight up ESL course...or maybe I could teach at an English school where rich international kids go...and the classes were taught in English). Who knows, maybe I could be a singer in an Asian culture? In any case, I'm not pinning my hopes on just Marvel anymore (though I really, really want this job) and I have another clear path that I can pursue.

I know it's a really radical idea...and I don't know if it will be the answer...but at the same time... I don't have anything but friends and family left for me in NY. Ever since I moved back here after college...my life has just gotten worse and worse. Heartache and disappointment have just grown exponentially while I've been here.

So, radical blues need radical change to shake things up. In any case...I have hope that something good will come out of all of this. I'm holding out for hope... and I know I need to really pray about this.

The funny thing is that I logged onto Friendster for the first time in months and it said today would be a day for major epiphanies and radical change...well, I've been thinking about this for awhile...anyways...It's a major, major change...but we'll see what happens. The next week or so will be really crucial...so we'll have to see what happens. Either way...it's good to have a plan. Pray for me.

not sure how much more...
Thursday, July 21, 2005 06:08 p.m.

I'm just going nuts. More attacks in London. Thank God, no one was hurt. But the saddest thing is that Warren St. was my old tube station. I used to live two blocks from there and would go to that station all the time. All this crazinees just breaks my heart. I'm not sure how much longer NYC will be safe. I'm glad that security has been stepped up...but with these kinds of attacks...how can anyone be sure? Leave this in God's hands.

More of the same old same old. Contacted my old headhunters and gave them my revised resumes...not sure if anything will come out of it...but we'll see. One of my friends told me that he didn't feel like I was going to get the Marvel job...I really hope he is wrong...but my hopes fade every day that there is no news. I'm going to email them tomorrow just to make sure they don't forget about me. They have to let me know either way...I just hope it's good news.

Still working out. Trying not to think of her... and just trying to get on with my life. I still miss her so much...but if I keep busy...maybe things will get better.

Played some music for the first time since the show. My voice isn't really up to speed...but I just need some more practice. I should go and play some open mics once things settle down a bit. I just want to feel good about myself again. I need a self-esteem boost somehow.

Movie with Eunice tomorrow and Saturday hanging out with Karen, Sabrina, and a bunch of other people after Nancy's bridal shower.

I just want this summer to be over already. This heat , this craziness, this loneliness, this dread... Lord, take it away and make it something good.

this one is for Reva...
Thursday, July 21, 2005 01:52 p.m.

Ok...well because you asked for it!

Here's a couple of quick pics I took. I think I look skinnier than that in real life...but you can tell I've been working out.

Click HERE

And HERE

Sorry about the dirty mirror. I'll take more pics as I make more progress.

more of the same...
Wednesday, July 20, 2005 03:48 p.m.

Woke up this morning and still had that feeling of dread. Worked out and it felt a little better...but still...I'm just not feeling well yet. I hope time is kind and I will be able to feel better soon...but for now...it's a daily struggle.

No word yet. Just more working out...watching Ghost Hunters marathon on Sci-Fi Channel...and my dad wants to take the kids to Playland tonight...I'm not sure if I'm in the mood to go...

Not much else going on. Updated the website last night...just trying to keep busy...but all this waiting is really hard on me. The uncertainty of everything...I just feel like I am in some weird limbo...and I'm waiting for God to pull me out of it.

I know I need to get out of this pit...but I'm not sure what I can do. I'm going to look for more jobs...but I haven't seen anything really promising so far...but I'll keep going.

Things must get better. I have faith that they will. God will redeem me yet...

the heat and the heartbreak...
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 10:48 p.m.

Another day where I wake up just feeling anxious and on the verge of panicking...it was slightly better today...but still nowhere near where I feel normal. Maybe it was because it's been a month since I last saw her...it seems like yesterday...and yet it seems so far away also... time just moves funny when you aren't yourself.

Back to the old routine of just working out and praying and running errands. Ran and lifted and did my thing all day. Went to the post office to send my first shipment to Amazon. It should be available to buy soon...and CDbaby has my stuff ready soon also...they just need to post pics and make mp3 clips and other stuff...pretty good actually.

Went over to keep Justin company for a couple of hours. It was just boiling hot and the humidity was just oppressive. Read a few chapters of HP6 and hung out with my little brother for a bit. Ran some errands with my mom and came home to update the website. At least it gives me something to do...and maybe I need to start playing music again to get over this heartbreak...maybe I need to find myself again and just let loose. I'm not sure if I can write...but maybe I need to be out there playing again.

Watching RockStar INXS gets me inspired. I know I could do that. I just wish I had the look...so that's why I am working out so hard...maybe I can get down to being supercut and in great shape... I know I have the talent...just need the rest of the package.

So...I've dropped a ton of weight...getting cut and just feeling better about my appearance. I want to be in amazing shape by the fall...so I really have to keep at this and not slip. I've done pretty well this month...and I'm determined to keep going.

May have dinner with Elaine sometime this week...Karen and Sabs are coming for Nancy's bridal shower...so I have some stuff to look forward to.

And maybe, just maybe I'll finally hear from Marvel...still three days left this week...so I'm hoping to hear something soon. Whether I get the job or not...I really need to know so I can move on.

I'm trying not to be a sad schmuck...it's hard work...but I know I'll get better with time. God is good...and I know He loves me. And man, these old school Amy Grant songs really help.

So, hoping for a change for the better soon. I just wish the heat would let up... this weather makes people crazy...and I can't take much more of crazy.

Trying to hang in there. Someone call me? Tell me a joke? Tell me you've got a nice girl for me? I'm lonely a lot of the time and the moments of sadness are really no fun. Abe needs some cheering up.

always waiting...
Monday, July 18, 2005 11:41 p.m.

Another difficult day...but I did have a few moments of feeling ok. I woke up to an awful cramp in my left calf...but I managed to stretch it out...and then ran for 45 mins. to some Def Leppard.

Ran some errands and basically worked out all day. Still no word from Marvel...I'm giving myself until the first week of August and then I am going to seriously consider leaving NY. I'm not sure what will happen in the weeks to come...but I may really need a change of scenery.

NY has just been tainted with all the memories that I still carry with me. I may need to go somewhere where it is still pristine and I don't have to struggle with all of this hurt. But where could I really go at this point?

Chris was tired and fell asleep at 7 after we got dry cleaning and had dinner (yes, I'm still on my GoLean diet)...and Nina came home around 1030 and we talked a little. Romana called and we talked for awhile. I'm praying for her and she is praying for me...I'm glad that we've stayed so close after all these years...we still have bouts of yelling at each other...but she knows I love her.

Got a really sad email from a friend of mine...and I'm not even sure what to say. I'm praying for her and her family...and I know she does the same for me. Sometimes I really am at a loss for words...it's hard to believe...but yes, sometimes I have no idea what to say.

Little bit of good news...Amazon and CDBaby are both going to carry my CD...so I'll post more about this when they get my shipments and are ready to sell. I hope you guys will buy a copy of it if you don't have one already.

Anyways...it's still tough...but I keep reminding myself that I am a beloved of God...and that things will get better and there will be healing. It's so hard to deal with all these things at once...but I am blessed with every breath and with those that love me.

And yes, we tend to want the things we can't have...and yes, sometimes we want what is bad for us... but being human and making mistakes like this and that...in the end we become wiser and stronger. It's close now...I know I will be wiser and stronger soon. And I'll be ok again one day. Just hoping that the sun overtakes the darkness...and joy will be more than a guilty moment's pleasure...it will be the norm.

I'm willing myself to get better. I'm praying for my daily redemption...and I'm thankful. Amen.

Sunday
Sunday, July 17, 2005 08:18 p.m.

Got up early and went to Redeemer... was actually a little late... but made it before the sermon. Tuck Bartholomew continued preaching from James...and basically it was an encouragement to live our faith. That we need to be doers and not just stand idly by...we need to truly live what we believe. Ran into Yiya and her husband is on staff now.

Came home and just worked out...even though I just felt exhausted...it's only 830 and I just want to go to sleep... but the afternoon was tough...Chris came home and napped and I was getting drowzy...but had a panic attack where I just couldn't breathe. I don't know where it came from...all I know was it was scary and I'm just frustrated that I can't control these things. I keep working out and praying...but anytime when I am not active spiritually or physically...these things sneak up on me. And I need time to collect myself.

I try not to think about her...and about the uncertainty of the future...but those thoughts always sneak up on me...and it just fills me with sadness, sorrow, regret, and a sense of hopelessness...all the things that the devil whispers...so I need your prayers and I need to trust in the fact that I am loved by God...and I need to be reminded of it....and live like a believer.

Went home for a little bit and went with my mom to get Harry Potter. I can't even go into that B & N because of the memories...so I went to get some detergent at the drug store while my mom picked up the book for me.

Walked home...worked out some more and watched tv... and then I watched this J.K. Rowling interview on Dateline... she was telling Katie Couric that 10 years ago she was in Scotland...and recently she went back to look at her old flat with her husband and when she looked up...she just burst into tears and was so happy that her life had changed so much.

She said she was expecting to see the ghost of herself in the window...where she used to live and had such a hard life...and she wanted to go in and tell herself that things would get so much better. And at that point...I just got tears in my eyes and I prayed that the same thing would be true for me.

I want to be able to go back to the places I can't go to now...and just think of how hard I had it...and in the future when things are so much better...I'll be able to wish I could tell myself how wonderful things will turn out. It's my hope and prayer that I may be able to do that one day... where I can tell myself "Abe, hold on...things will get so much better... just trust in God and hang in there. These tough years all had a purpose...and you will be redeemed soon enough. You will see God's love and mercy when you look back on all the hardship you had to endure... you will see that this was all for God's glory in the end...and no matter how much you thought you'd have an amazing story...God's plan was that much more amazing...that much more unbelievable...and you will be truly happy beyond all your expectations." I want to be able to say that...even better yet...I want to hear God tell me that He loves me...and that I did what He wanted me to do at this time...and He forgives me for doubting.

I'm getting choked up just writing this right now. My mood swings have been terrible lately...and the stress, the working out, and the not eating much thing probably contributes a lot to it...but I know that I'll get through this...I have to. There's so much left for me to do...and I need to be well enough to do it. Dear God, I just want to be better and able to move forward.

Wow, I forget how much I loved Amy Grant's old school Christian folk/rock...man, it really helps. God bless her.

Ok... Monday... things will get better this week. Lord, I really hope so. Help me.

wedding blues...
Saturday, July 16, 2005 11:55 p.m.

Got up super early and changed to go to Philly for Roseann's wedding... went home and then off to Shelb's with Eric, Chris, Charlotte, Kelvin, Jack, Uwang and Christine and my aunt. Met up with Jack and Uwang and off we went to Philly.

It took us about 2 and a half hours to get to Knowlton Mansion. The ceremony was short and sweet and was outdoors. It was overcast and the humidity was somewhat bearable. But I'm glad I went and got to see Ro get married.

It was hard to see some people and to explain what was going on in my life...but I'm glad that people are doing well.. talked to Cathy W., Bora, Angela G., Donny C., Chris K. and some other people... saw a lot of people and didn't say much, didn't dance...just watched and ate...and drank a lot.

It was just really hard dealing with the flood of memories and thoughts for me. Just so much that went through my head. It was really difficult being at another wedding alone...seeing couples who are bound to get married, seeing people who have been married and are happy...and just reflecting on how many times my heart has been so unceremoniously shattered...I want to be happy for others...but it is so hard when I am so unhappy for myself. (And yes, Roseann was a beautiful bride...and I'm sure Stan will make her very happy. And our Nina was the loveliest bridesmaid...)

So maybe the answer is to not want this. I don't have anything to really offer anyone else at this point in my life. I need to do things for myself and for God's glory... and that should be my focus. Improve myself until I am happy with what I can do and offer...and just wait until that person I'm meant to be with finds me...or realizes that I have so much to offer.

I know there is someone out there who wants to be with me and should be with me. There's someone out there, whether she has been in my life or not, who is getting herself ready for me...and I should be doing the same. And right now...I'm almost up to the 20 lb. loss point... a lot of people commented on it...which I guess means I'm looking good.

Spent a lot of time with family and friends and afterwards we went out in the rain to get some Rita's water ices (which were ok...the custard was much better) and then drove into the city to get some of Pat's cheesesteaks ...which were good...but cheese juice got all over Chris' shorts and it was kinda gross.

Charlotte had a sore throat and she was kind of croaky all night and Chris just kept talking and telling stories...which made the ride home pretty amusing. Couldn't meet up with Romana...but hopefully will see her next month.

It wasn't as bad as I thought...and I know I'm going to get better as the days go by... it's hard to mend a broken heart especially when everything else in the world seems so broken also...so, bear with me...pray for me...take me out... help me to get through this.

Got home and worked out! I'm exhausted so I only did half my regimine...but it felt good to be active after all that food. Nina is going to be coming home soon after the post-party stuff she has to do is done...and she'll be here until Tuesday...which should be fun.

I'm tired, a little sad, and scared to have nightmares...but church is in the morning and I'm looking forward to hearing God's word preached. Might be able to meet up with Grace...and if I can find some place with the new Harry Potter...that would be good too.

It's the little things...I'll get through this. I'm hoping the coming week will have some good news for me. I'm praying that things start to turn around this coming week...it's been a month of hardship and I'm overdue for some good, shining moments. Lord, help me through this.

tough love
Friday, July 15, 2005 11:14 p.m.

Went to the city and met up with Grace. Met her brother for the first time too. Really shy. Went to a neighborhood bar and had a drink and talked. Talk about tough love...Grace refuses to let me have a pity party and keeps reminding me of the blessings I have...and how I shouldn't define my life over what others think. We went to another bar and it was more of the same. I think she should be a psychiatrist...she really said a lot of stuff that I needed to hear...and she's more optimistic than I am.

I really appreciate her "tough love" approach...I know that she does care and this is how she shows it...a swift kick and a pat on the back to keep going. I know it is going to still be hard for the next few weeks...but like I keep saying...things can change in an instant... things can only get better from rock-bottom, right?

I really admire her for her approach...she's going through a hard time too...but she's trying to take each day as it comes and appreciate the little things. I guess it's my time to smell the flowers and not focus on all these huge things that I have no control over.

Yes, I don't have her in my life. Yes, I don't have a job and I have no money. Yes, I'm overdue for something good... but there are just some things that I have no control over at the moment. I need to do my best with what I have...and just persevere.

Going to the wedding tomorrow will be hard...but I need to be happy for Roseann and Stan...and I'll get to spend some time with my family and some friends... these are the good things.

Why worry about tomorrow? It's a sin. It will take care of itself. I am a child of God and I will be taken care of. Things will get better. I just need the patience and the will to see this through.

And more news...Cindy got engaged. I won't be able to congratulate her properly until Christmas time...but I'm happy for her.

So, going to try not to hold up a measuring stick for myself. What is going to be right for me...will be determined by God. I'm thankful for this day, for this breath, for what I have and what I will have. Amen.

no gambling...
Friday, July 15, 2005 02:56 p.m.

So we got to Flushing and was on the bus to Mohegan Sun... it took us longer than expected because there was traffic...but we were there around 7...longer than 2hrs and 15mins...first thing we get are these coupons... 15 bucks for food and 20 bucks worth of "match money"...which we all gave our dad...well, Justin didn't get anything because he was under age.

Anyways...we hit the buffet and I tried to eat...but couldn't really pull a "Chang"...so Justin and I went to the kids section and he just kept winning those crane games...he got a ton of stuffed animals to bring home.

I went to look at shops and picked up a huge Sopranos companion book for 12.99...which was more than half off the cover price... and I would end up reading that thing on the way home.

Sat with my mom and talked a little. She still has hope that Marvel will have some good news for me...but at this point...any news would help. I can either move on...or start working there.

Eric just told me that Comic Con is this week...might be the reason that Marvel is slow getting back to me? Totally slipped my mind...

Anyways... my dad won 80 bucks on the slots so the way he calculated it...we won 10 bucks for the trip... and he gave me and Justin 20 bucks each...heh. Got into Flushing around 130 and it was deserted...just a ghost town of bad memories for me... just want things to be better.

Got up around 1030 today and just worked out all day... meeting up with Grace later tonight...and then up early for Roseann and Stan's wedding in Philly tomorrow. Just want this summer to pass by quicker...want some good news...before the leaves change.

Doris' last day at her job...congrats!

I'm praying and willing things to get better... I hope God is on my side. Help me, Lord!

Have a good weekend, kids. Keep me in your prayers.

fearless...FEARLESS!
Thursday, July 14, 2005 12:33 p.m.

Had a weird dream this morning...but it was pretty unrelated to the stuff going on in my life... it involved some girl I didn't recognize...not sure what that means...but still woke up a little panicky....nothing that a little Linkin Park and some cardio couldn't fix.

Went to meet Kathleen to see the Bravery last night. I got some comics before hand and gound a used copy of GITS:SAC vol. 6 for only 10 bucks! Met up with Kathleen and went in...got her a drink and a t-shirt to pay back for the ticket...which pretty much bankrupt me...oh well...it was worth it. The opening band, Nic Armstrong was pretty crappy...imagine Jet and the soundtrack to Grease...I don;t know how they got away with using the bassline for "you're the one that I want" for three songs..."I've got chills, they're mutliplying..." that one.

Dead 60's were on next and they were pretty good...they had a weird Police/Reggae/Ska/Rapture vibe...lots of spitting and cowbell...which was pretty cool. I wonder if it was ironic since the lead singer of the Bravery was getting all that indie-flack from the Killers and what not for fronting a Ska band? weird...

The Bravery were pretty awesome...Sam Endicott is a great frontman...a bit of microphone posing...but still pretty cool. He said that the song "tyrant" was about his next door neighbor that he fell in love with and broke up with...and how he heard her with another man...he said she might be in the audience that night...ack! They played pretty much the whole album (they only have one) and a U2 cover,"Black Cat" ...which is "An Cat Dubh" off of "Boy" (he said they almost played it when they opend for U2...and it's good they didn't...that would be weird)...it's the "ohhhhohuhohohoooooh" song.

The best songs were "an honest mistake", "unconditional", "fearless" and "no brakes" ...the Cure like songs(circa kissme-era) went over pretty well with the crowd...but they weren't my faves. I rocked out with Kathleen and at one point I thought she pinched my bottom...but it was Doris. Also some 40 year old lady was talking to me ...and there was a bit of a pit...odd place for it... and security was relentless with poor girls with digi-cams.

Afterwards met up with Doris, Karl, Victor, and this guy Jeff that does electronica stuff... wants to possibly work together...which could be really cool. And they all thought I lost a lot of weight...which is good...I guess it is noticeable.

Walked Kathleen to the train station and read comics on the train ride home... just great stuff lately. Trying to keep my mind active anyway possible...comics, the Bible, praying, working out, hanging out...these are the things that will get me through this.

Tragic building collapse on the UWS today...a 4 month old baby in critical condition and several others hurt when scafolding collapsed.

Meeting up with Grace tomorrow. Going to Mohegan Sun with the family in a few... keeping busy...trying to live and go on living. Lord, thank You for the little things.

trying to be...brave
Wednesday, July 13, 2005 04:30 p.m.

No nightmares...but not exactly restful sleep. I still woke up with my heart pounding...and I had to run just to get my heart rate down...well, it felt like that anyways. Didn't do much besides work out like all day...did some laundry...tried not to panic...

Watched most of this really sad Zhang Yimou film, "Happy Times"...this weird comedy about a blind girl ...it's hard to explain...but the ending was just so sad...Chinese indie movies tend to be like that... sigh.

Working out all day... I'm really going to try to get under 200 lbs. this year. It's going to be tough...but I have putting on loads of muscle and my body is definitely changing shape every week... I just want to be in really good shape by the time my 30th comes around. So keep at me...make sure I stick by this!

Going to see the Bravery tonight. My old co-worker, Kathleen is treating me...and Doris and some of her friends are going too... it will be good to finally get out and cut loose. I hope it really cheers me up. More on this later...

wanting to get better...
Tuesday, July 12, 2005 10:01 p.m.

My mom drove out to Flushing with me and we went to some sushi/sashimi place and just got a huge platter of raw fish for only $40 bucks. Me and Justin polished off most of it...and we will definitely be back. I think maybe some of my anxiety is worsened by the fact that I haven't really been eating...so I think the protein recharge definitely helped a little.

I was talking to my mom just before we left...and I almost thought I was going to cry...it's still hard to fathom all the things that have happened this summer. I know in my head that I will get through this...but it is taking some time for my heart to catch up to all of this. It's been so difficult because of the things I cannot control...my wicked subconscious and my emotions...they just creep up on me and I feel so helpless sometimes.

And just when I think I can not think about her...I see a car with NC plates parked right in front of the grocery store.

Went to Rite-Aid with the folks and picked up a few things...and came home to watch the Rockstar INXS thing...I wish I had a shot at something like that. I'm going to try my best to start playing again...just a few open mics and stuff...just so I can get out there and play a little... I just want to do something that makes me feel alive.

A few of my friends have asked me if I wanted to see a therapist...and yeah, I would...but I have no insurance and no money at the moment...and I think I need to pray through this.

Maybe a job would make things better, maybe dating someone new, maybe a change of scene...all these maybes...but in the end I must remember the one constant: God loves me and God is in charge. I know in my head that things will get better. I just need the patience to see this through. I know I'll be a better man because of all of this. I'm gaining wisdom and experience...it hurts so much now...but it will make me stronger in the end. My heart rages and then it feels cold as stone...but my head is still firing off a million thoughts...I just want to be able to think of the good things that I still have...my friends, my family, my health, the possibilites I have in the future.... I can't look back all the time and have the "what ifs" murder my spirit anymore...it's so difficult...but I MUST stop this.

I need your prayers and your encouragement. I need to feel like I have some support out there...so please, if you have some time...leave me a message...just so I know people care out there. And for those of you who have already...thank you.

Things will keep changing...I just hope they change for the better.

more nightmares
Tuesday, July 12, 2005 01:07 p.m.

Had the weirdest nightmare about E this morning. I woke up around 7 and forced myself to go back to sleep and then I dreamt that we were in a weird run down neighborhood and I had to keep getting paper towels to wipe the rain off her converitble. She was reluctant to go on some errands with me. It was some weird mission like in a video game or something. But eventually we were riding around and then I got out and she stood up in her car and I was outside her door and we hugged and were reconciled...we were together again and I was uneasy but happy. Then the dream jumped to me and my family in some odd house. It was my mom's side of the family and we were in some like Palm Springs/ Key West type of mansion (maybe thinking about Hurrican Dennis) and then my dad's side of the family was coming... and I was smoking and hiding in the bathroom. And I clearly went into a room that I felt was Uncle Alan's room with computers and stuff and there were all these flyers of like "no cats!" with pics of cats crossed out. Then I saw Uncle Alan in the pool and...I woke up.

I'm not sure what the dream meant...but I woke up with my heart pounding out of my chest again and I just prayed that these dreams would just go away. I'm so tired of waking up in a panic and just feeling so uneasy all day.

I got up and just worked out again. I'm actually starting to feel pretty sore..but I'm keeping at it. The physical pain really starts to make the emotional pain fade... I just want to be able to look back on this and realize what all of this was supposed to mean. I just want to look on this and go "ok, that was the hardest time in my life...but look how good things turned out in the end." I can see that happening one day...but right now...it's so hard to endure and persevere through this. I know that God is with me...but this anxiety and sense of loneliness is so overwhelming sometimes.

I went to the post office and mailed my first shipment to CDBABY and then came home to wait for the cable company to replace my grandparents cable box. More working out and just trying to turn my brain off... still no word from Marvel and I'm beginning to think my hopes for a job there are just fading... these waves...they are really taking a toll on me. Please pray for me. I really need help.

wondering when it will stop...
Monday, July 11, 2005 08:11 p.m.

Well, I tried last night to sleep without the tv on...and well...I guess I dozed off and it was still on...but I woke up to the phone ringing and bringing me out of another nightmare. There are somethings that I cannot control...I'm praying that God takes away these nightmares and these panic attacks soon. I guess my subconscious is still subverting me... I know that I will get better soon...but I guess my mind is still bogged down by these thoughts.

The physical sensation still comes and goes...and there are times when I think I can't take much more...but working out really does help the uneasiness fade... I just wonder how long I can keep this up. I'm surprised that my body hasn't collapsed yet...it's been nearly three weeks of punishing it...and yet...I'm still ok...I think I look pretty good...but I feel so crappy.

I want everyone to keep me in check. I really want this year to be one of dramatic change...if I can lose another 40 lbs. this year...I will have matched my goal. It will be tough and it will take awhile...but I want to do this for myself...so on my 30th birthday I want to be happy with my physical self for once.

Just spent the day working out and trying to get my mind off things. My grandparents' cable went out...so my grandma came over to watch Family Feud and some Korean drama on tv... she's so cute.

I finished up some of the paper work to get the CD into online retailers. It might take Amazon awhile to get back to me...but I'm shipping some CDs off to CDBABY which means it will be available at Tower.com also...so... it will be ready in a few weeks. By mid-August the CD should be available at Amazon, Virgin, Waldenbooks, etc... a ton of places. I just hope someone buys it...ack.

Other than that...just trying not to think of the job prospects too much... I wrote an email last night to touch base with them and to see if they were coming to a decision soon...and still no response. So, I'm assuming that no news is still good news at this point...but my hopes really are fading. I have a lead on a teaching job...but honestly, I really want this job at Marvel...and I hope I still have a chance. But at this point, I just want to know already...each day that passes...it's just stressing me out. And on top of that...there's still this broken heart that I'm dealing with... I just want to feel ok... I miss her still and I would give anything for her to just show up at my doorstep...but I know that's very unlikely... I just pray that she is ok... I wonder if I will ever hear from her again.

And yes, I know I should just not think about her at all...but I must endure and persevere and move through this. I need to pray hard and let God take control of all of this. Peace, wisdom, healing...I know that I'll get these things in due time. Just trying to hang in there for now... pray for me, I need it.

praying for wisdom and peace...
Sunday, July 10, 2005 03:06 p.m.

Got up early today and went off to Redeemer for service. I was feeling a little panicky this morning...but once I got in...I calmed down a bit. I was praying that the message would really pertain to me...and God was good...because it sure did.

Tuck Bartholomew was preaching instead of Tim Keller (I think he usually takes some of the summer off) and his message was about the gifts of God. I thought that it wouldn't be pertinent to what I was going through at first when I read the sermon topic...but it was.

He started off talking about how when our plans are disrupted and when chaos takes over...when the brokeness of life threatesn us...broken relationships especially... he said that through the chaos...we must be reminded and be comforted in the fact that God is unchanging. When our world seems so unstable we have to find our joy and identity in a God that loves us and is unshakable.

God seeks us out when we despair. We face pain and heartbreak and the world tells us to "get out" to escape and not think of these things. But God tells us to endure and to pray for wisdom in these times. These trials and tribulations are meant for us to move through them with love. When we suffer we need to hold on to God's gospel of grace and mercy. These tests expose us for who we really are, what we are truly made of. These changes in life wipe away our props, the things that hold us up in life, the things that we consider "ordinary." When these things are disrupted, we need to transcend the despair, the anxiety, the discomfort. We need to meet these challenges and react differently. We need to be reminded of where our faith resides and move closer to His mercy...to a God that does not change His love for us. A God who is not passive.

These tests are made to grow us up. We face the poverty and the struggles and we get blessed also. We need to focus on God's agenda and love our neighbors, be humbled by our lack of wisdom and power, and depend on God for these things in which we are so deficient.

And a person that asks God for wisdom and knows...seriously knows...that God will grant this... someone who doesn't straddle the line and is sure that God will provide...this person will receive the wisdom if they ask. Do not doubt. There is nothing unstable or doubleminded when we turn to a God who is unchanging in the face of a chaotic world. And when we let go of the hopes and aspirations that are not met in Him...we will see what God truly wants for us.

Our happiness in God is fueled by lament... when we know that the world is not meant to be this way. That we mourn for things. When we realize that God is not like the shifting shadows in this world, that His plan is perfect...we become like firstfruits...that treasure God in His almightiness and purity. The God who does not change...even to the extent of not sparing His Son.

Well, that was what I learned and took notes on(and taking Communion was much needed)...and you can see how this hits home. It's what I needed to hear and I pray that it will bring me peace and wisdom. The problems with the job search, the relationship, the tragedies that I've seen this past summer...I'm lifting them up to God and praying for wisdom. I find some serious peace in the fact that He is in control and that one day I'll have the wisdom to understand what all of this was for. And I am grateful for these trials...I am grateful that it will make me a wiser, more loving, and a better man.

And yes, I was reminded of her at church. This girl that sat next to me...I was almost positive she had on the same perfume that she used to wear. I don't know if all of these things will ever amount to anything...or if they are just coincidences...but in the end..I won't treat this heartbreak the same way I did before.

I won't run away from God and try to find comfort in the things of the world. I won't substitute the lack of love from a person with something else...I'm praying for wisdom, understanding, peace, and a revolution of my heart, mind, body, and soul.

I am determined to make myself the type of person I want to be. I want to become more perfect in body and soul. And I want to do this for me and for God's glory. I know that I will be blessed...and I need to be patient. I know that God has a wonderful story written for me. I need to trust in His plan...and when the world throws me a curveball...no matter how severe...I need to be tenacious and get down to praying.

I think it is seriously time for me to grow up. And maybe that means that there will never be resolution with her. Maybe it means that we might be together again one day... or I'll never see her again. But I have to find peace in the one thing that is unshakable...the one constant that I've known since I was young. God is good and He loves me.

I know that my faith is very different from a lot of people. I've always been more liberal in certain aspects...but I've always known that Jesus loves me more than I will ever realize...and I'm starting to understand why these trials happen to me every so often. I know that things will be clearer when I look back on this...I only hope that I learn from my mistakes and hold fast to the things that I am doing right.

I'm going to try to sleep without the tv on tonight. And when I freak out and my mind starts wandering...I'm going to keep praying for peace and wisdom.

Between that and all this hardcore exercise...I'm going to come out of this better than before. The heartbreak will take time to heal...and who knows what is going to happen in the future? How will my life be redeemed even further? What good things are in store for me down the line? I need to trust and believe that things are certain. That God truly wants what is best for me. I know this in my head...and I pray that it works it's way into my heart and soul. I will get through this. I will be wiser.

More thoughts later...deep and not so deep, I'm sure. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I'm getting better each day. Let's hope it keeps going down this path. Amen.

I wish things were...fantastic.
Saturday, July 9, 2005 09:32 p.m.

Got up early this morning and headed home. Took Justin and Alex to see Fantastic Four. I actually thought it was pretty fun...a few plot holes...but overall it was pretty decent. I think the critics were a little hard on the film...but considering the caliber of some other comic book movies...FF is only average. But I loved Johnny Storm...just the perfect amount of jackhole...and Jessica Alba is just eye candy if nothing else.

Sad thing is... walking through Forest Hills and realizing that I was there with her only a few weeks ago...and I was so happy...now it's hard to walk down some streets and not think about her. I hate when this happens... there are so many places that have been tainted because of bad memories...next time anything like this happens...I'm going to go to far away and new places...just so my fave places don't get ruined.

I had a very weird moment of peace last night...I realized that God has what is best for me in mind...if it isn't her... than there is someone else even more amazing. And who is to know what the future holds? She might come back into my life again... I don't know. Every day that we are still alive...there is still that chance. I need to make peaces with the fact that I need to better myself and not let these things get to me.

God's plan will be revealed eventually...and for now...I need to concentrate on finding a job, getting into the best shape of my life, touring behind the CD, and getting some stuff published...and writing more.

There is only so much I can control...and what I cannot...I leave that in God's hands. I can still pray for her, pray for my job, pray for my future, and for my friends and family. If anything, these past few months have renewed my faith...all the good and the bad...I know it means something...and one day it will all make sense. I just need my faith to increase...and not to lose hope.

It's so hard when the head and the heart don't connect. I know it...but I'm waiting to feel it. Time will heal these wounds, I know that...but I need to feel it or it's not real. I know that one thing can change everything for the better.

My aunt dropped off Alex to go to her friend's nephews funeral... she said how small the coffin was...and how it was open casket and how cute the baby looked. Such tragedy and sadness in the world... Lord, help us through these things.

Justin has kept me company all day...and I do feel better with him around. I'm just exhausted...all this working out, not eating right, not sleeping well...it's really taken it's toll on me.

Going to church tomorrow morning. I wonder how pertinent the message will be to what is going on in my life right now. I only hope that she goes to church too...and that God speaks to her and she realizes the hurt she's left behind...again and again. And I hope she realizes how much I would have loved her.

Ok...need to look at other things...must turn my thoughts and my energies elsewhere. Things will get better... they must.

just...lonely.
Friday, July 8, 2005 08:23 p.m.

Another one of those days where I just feel weirdly panicky and just lonely all day. All these little things remind me of her and just bring back memories. I just can't believe any of this has happened...and I can't stand the way I feel. I just feel so helpless and I just feel like I am constantly in mourning. I just want her back with me. Just to hear her voice again...to see her...to hold her...to kiss her again. I'm just so sad. I wish I could just be oblivious and just get on with it...but this hollow feeling pervades...and I can't shake this feeling of abandonment and loneliness. When and how do I get healed from this?

It's a rainy Friday night and it just makes me feel so sad and just trapped in this cloud of darkness. I want God to just wipe this all away and give me some joy in my life. I know in my mind that it is all a matter of time...but the actual act of living through this...it's more than I feel like I can bear. I just want to be ok again...I hate falling into these patterns of just feeling trapped..but there really isn't much I can do... I just want things to feel right again.

One of my friends went to a funeral today...and my aunt is going to one tomorrow. All of this sadness...it's just been an insanely tragic summer. I wonder if we really are living in the end times? The hurricanes are approaching, death and tragedy, betrayal...all of this...are these just the birth pangs of the end?

The few joys I have...Justin is feeling better...and I just want to be with him as much as possible...but I hate for him to see me like this.

Not much going on...still no news on the job...and considering the 4th and the FF stuff...I think another week would be reasonable...anything after that...and I lose all hope. I should start looking for something else...but there really isn't anything I'm seeing. So, I'm still praying for this...I just hope it works out.

great...my ceiling is leaking now... more crap to deal with.

I just want this day to be over and for tomorrow to be better. Just need to keep busy...pray, work out, and get on with living.... there's got to be a respite...there must be.

uneasy feeling...
Thursday, July 7, 2005 09:23 p.m.

Yeah, I can't shake it...I'm just struggling to feel better...but physically and emotionally I just feel so sick and uneasy. All the mental stress of what's happening in the world...and in my world is really causing me to just feel physically sick. I've felt like this before...and I know that there isn't a cure for it...only time and circumstance can make any of this better.

It's the waiting and not knowing that is really making me so uncomfortable. I know that my patience will be rewarded one day...but whether or not that means I will get this job or not...still remains to be seen...as for her...I may be a fool to hold out hope. But this is how I feel at this moment...and maybe with time that hope will fade again...but I know that in my heart...I was true and I meant what I said. I felt what I felt...and it really is her loss that she can't see the potential in me.

I'm determined to become a better man...both inside and out. I'm working out and just trying to make the physical side of me as perfect as I can. With what God has given me...my talents, my heart, my intellect...I want to be ready for the good things in life and I want to leave a legacy of love to those around me.

I helped my grandfather to the podiatrist and Deanna called. We had a long talk ...and I'm glad that I have so many friends that are concerned for me. I talked to Romana today also... it's good to have people there for me...it's just that the one person I want on the line isn't there for me anymore...and I just mourn for the fact that it's lost....I want it back so badly...and I have to face the fact that it might never happen again.

My poor Justin is sick with fever, stomach problems, and cold feet. It must be some kind of stomach virus. He's taking Tylenol and some cool baths...I just want him to be well.

Other than that...I'm just realizing that this paralysis is something I can't fight...I just need time to feel like myself again. Writing and music just remind me of her...so I need to put that on hold for awhile...even watching certain shows get me upset...some music also... just all these associations that once held so much joy are just filled with pain now.

And the fact that I can't really be there for my friends when so many of them are going through hard...harder times...is just tearing me apart. I can't take care of anyone when I can barely care for myself.

And the world...this latest terrorist attack just makes me nervous. I know that an attack on NY is possible...but I feel like it won't happen...but then again...are we ever sure? Can we just live life in the faith that God knows what is best?

I hope I can look back on this summer and just understand why these days have been so hard. The lowest point in my life...I only hope I can look down on it one day and understand that life is so much better. I pray that I have the chance to love and be loved and to bring God glory in some way.

I'm such a sinner in my worry...but I am human...and I fail constantly. I am humbled and humiliated...and yet I still cling on to my faith. I know that I will face many more challenges in the weeks ahead...I only hope that there will be something sweet down the line.

I'm sorry that this blog has been so depressing these past few weeks...looking back on the blog archives...I can see the good times and in light of what's happened lately...I almost long for the days when a rough day at work was the toughest thing I had to face.

I hope this gets easier. I hope I get some help from someone soon. I hope that I won't give up. I need to be strong...even if I have to fool myself into it. I need to be a better man after all that's been said and done. I need to be true to who I am and want to be. I want to hold my head up high and know that I lived this life as best as I could. I want God to say "good job."

I'm rambling...but it helps...this is my therapy. I need a job. I want my family and friends to be ok. I want her back. I want the world to be safe. I want people to be honest and not hurt each other. I want people to be considerate and selfless. I can hope for these things. I still have hope...give me that much.

what is going on?
Thursday, July 7, 2005 12:35 p.m.

An early blog entry...but I have so much on my mind right now... the terrorist attacks in London have really upset me. Just another major tragedy this summer. London is a place near and dear to me...and hearing that King's Cross and Russell Square were hit... it just saddens me and affects me so deeply. I spent a wonderful, life-changing year of my life there...and I miss London so much...and now this. I did catch Cindy on IM this morning briefly...I'm glad she is ok... but I can only imagine what London must be like right now...it must be so hard to be there at this moment... I'm just so worried about what else might happen. Lord, help us... I can't take much more of this.

And Justin is sick...he has some kind of stomach virus or flu...so after I worked out and stressed over the news and ate a little...I came over to bring him some soda and look after him. Daisy won't be going to the city today...and the torrential rains that are coming tomorrow will likely keep us indoors all day.

Just such an uneasy feeling...I can't shake it...and it seems like it gets worse and worse...still no news from Marvel either...more stress added on top of everything else.

And for the longest time I couldn't remember what kind of car S drove...I just couldn't remember the make or model...and today...I see a Celica parked right in front of my folks place...the interior is almost the same as her car...and it just made me so sad. I miss her so much...how do I get over this? Am I never going to see her again?

Such a weird day... I just want all of this to get better. I hope God hears my prayers and He is merciful.

when does this get easier?
Wednesday, July 6, 2005 10:47 p.m.

Woke up suddenly and my heart was just pounding...I was just so freaked out...it felt like a panic atttack. I just got up and ran...and I calmed down a little...but seriously, all of this stress is taking a toll on me. I can't sleep properly, I can't really eat...all I want to do is work out and just run away.

I've lost so much weight lately...which is the only good thing that's come out of all of this...but it doesn't really help the hurt. I want it to go away...I want her to show up at my doorstep and just want me back...I want so many things and I don't think they will ever happen.

On top of that...the job prospect is looking dim. I know that it usually takes them two weeks to get back to me...factor in the long weekend and Fantastic Four opening this week...and maybe it will take longer...but as each day passes and I don't hear anything...I just feel that I'm drawing closer and closer to that dreaded form letter. I want this job so badly...and I need it...Lord knows I need a job. I feel like I could do such a good job...and this could really be the job I've been preparing for all my life. All the stuff I read, all the movies, all the schooling...I could use it all. But right now, I just pray that they will find favor in me...and just give me a shot to work for them. I need this...if I can't have the girl...can I have the job? But I'd trade everything for her....if I had the choice. Lord, please...help me here.

After working out...got ready and went over to pick up Daisy. We went to 34th street and she had some bourbon chicken at the Manhattan Mall...but I just had no appetite. Went to Macy's and walked to Times Square...Some focus group interviewed us about what we knew about Jamestown...I think I surprised them...heh.

Went to say hi to Eunice and we sat in Bryant Park for a little while. Then went to the library and Grand Central...then walked up 5th Ave. to Rockefeller and St. Patrick's Cathedral...where I said a little prayer.

More 5th Ave. stuff and Daisy actually bought some stuff at A/X and before at Body Shop at the mall. Just flat out tired... and walked her home. My mom was back and she said Justin has a fever. I got so worried...all these bad things happening...even a little summer cold has me freaked out. He's going to the doctor tomorrow... Lord, take care of him.

And my grandpa slipped and hurt his hand a few days ago...he has this black and blue spot on his hand...but he says it doesn't hurt.

Watched the finale of Dancing With the Stars...and dang...that Kelly Monaco is a hot tamale! She got three perfect 10s and got a perfect score of 30 for her freestyle performance... got to give the underdog credit...especially when she is that hot and cute.

Other than that...not much else. Just dreading the morning...I hope I can sleep and not dream. I can't take these nightmares anymore...and the humidity. I just want a pleasant summer for once... no more tragedy and suffering...Lord, help us. Sometimes it feels like it is just too much to bear all at once...but there must be some purpose, some rhyme and reason for all of this?

I want so many things...but I know that God has the best in store for me. I'm still young and I have so much to learn. There's time for surprises...there's time for healing and redemption. I just need the patience to see it through. God grant me the strength.

Tomorrow is another day. Please let there be some good news on the horizon.

tired and moody...
Tuesday, July 5, 2005 09:12 p.m.

These days...I wake up in a panic...I just don't feel right and my heart is so tight in my chest. I think I am having nightmares and I think I am grinding/clenching my teeth again. I'm just so stressed out over everything that has happened and is still happening these past few weeks. I'm still brokenhearted and this waiting to hear from Marvel is really taking a toll on me.

I can't sleep more than 5 or 6 hours a night and I'm just not really eating. I don't know when this will end and when I'll be right. As each day passes...I feel my chances at Marvel are just diminishing. My mom said she thought I would be getting some good news on Wednesday...her woman's/mother's intuition told her that...and it's going to be the second Wednesday tomorrow...so I wonder if she will be right... but honestly, I think that if I don't hear from them this week...I'll be getting a form letter telling me "Thanks, but we don't have room for you right now." or something like that. I'm praying that this isn't going to be the case.

And yes, I still think about her...little things remind me of her constantly. I still see NC plates all over... just today I think I saw two? It still hurts and I want it to go away. I want her to call me and tell me it was all a mistake and that we should be together. When do you stop missing someone? I don't know...and my poor tender heart can't take much more of this.

After working out to the Sopranos and doing laundry...I went to pick up Daisy and we went to the city. We went to Coffee Shop for lunch and talked a bit. Her English isn't too bad...and my Chinese is passable...so it's been ok... but we really don't have much in common...she likes shopping and isn't really interested in the cultural stuff as much. But after going through Union Square, East Village, SoHo, and St. Mark's...she didn't buy anything.

She did get me an iced tea at Starbucks...and we sat in Union Sq. Park and Washington Sq. Park...and then I went to say hi to Gerald...he's working at the Apple Store on Prince St. now... man, that's like his dream job... he is such a Machead...and he finally got out of HRW...I'm really happy for him. But 3-12 shift is crazy! I guess he can only see his daughter in the day time. I only hope that I can have something similar and Marvel will let me work there...man, this is going to be a tough week.

Was supposed to meet up with Grace...but we were just exhausted and went home..... the girl can eat! She had a sandwich and two bowls of pasta I made...I still haven't eaten anything since lunch...which I had to make myself finish...dang..

In any case...it was good to get out of the house and just walk and walk...but it was sad to think of her...and even...E...because NYU always reminds me of her... it's so tough to have this kind of memory...I just remember so much...all the details...it's driving me nuts. I'm so sick of being sad and hurt...after 3 years...it's not any better...and I just feel colder and colder.

Eric actually wrote something in his blog about me...if you are interested you can read it....I just want to recover from this quickly...and in the right way. With prayer, with a levelhead, and a desire to make myself a better man...for me, for who I end up with, for my friends and family...and ultimately and most importantly for God's glory.

I need to make myself look towards positive outlets...and try to leave the past behind. So I've been thinking that it is time I write to E again...and send her the CD. So many of the songs are about her...some good and some not so good...but I think I do owe it to her and to myself...to just send it out. I don't know if she will even get it or where she is...but I want her to know that I forgive her and I still pray for her. I'm still not sure if I should do it...but I think 3 years and more heartbreak is driving me to put some closure on this...at least for my sake.

It's been such a difficult summer. I hope God hears my prayers and redeems us...this summer has been so dark and just painful for so many people. I'm praying that God will be merciful and let the healing come swiftly, surely, and perpetually.

I can't wait to look back on this summer some time from now...and just realize why all of this had to happen. I can't wait to be happy for once and realize that all of the bad things that have occurred will be made into something good. I have faith...sometimes I think that's all I have anymore.

The only bit of good news. I got my first check from Anime Insider! And 2 comp copies of the first issue I wrote for. So, if you are so inclined... pick up Anime Insider Issue 22(the Kodocha cover)...it has two little articles that I wrote.

Keep praying for me and for my loved ones going through tough times. Thank you.

Hoping and praying that tomorrow is the start of something good.

it may be Independence Day...
Monday, July 4, 2005 11:56 p.m.

but I still feel chained to my past. We had so many plans...we were supposed to see these fireworks together. We were supposed to be together today. I can't help but wonder what she did this past weekend...and why she decided that she didn't want to be with me. The pain comes and goes...and all I want is peace...I want to move on...but how am I supposed to let go if all I see is her face...I'm scared to close my eyes sometimes.

Last night...I spent some time praying with Eric... so much tragedy this summer...it just brings us to prayer. So many things have gone so awfully wrong for me and for those around me... I can't recall a summer where things went so wrong. I can only pray that we have seen the worst of it...and that things will get better from this point on. Lord, please help us.

Found out more news about my aunt's friend's nephew...it was just 6 hours when the baby was dropped off at the sitter...and then the woman was so cold and called the mother to tell her her baby had died...maybe it was shock...but there was no 911 call or anything... just stunned. It's been in the Chinese papers...not sure about the mainstream press though...my aunts and my uncle went to comfort the family today...and the grandmother is still away at a retreat... so sad. Please pray for them.

Went to have brunch with Sowon and Jeremy today...Eric took us all to Bayside Diner and we had a good talk about work, relationships, and all this other stuff...it was good to hear...and I envy the kind of relationship that they have.

Came back to my place...and we had Halo-fest with Shelb for awhile...then Eric had to get Charlotte...met her folks and her cousin Minji... Charlotte's mom didn't believe we were brothers! I guess we really do look different.

Had some ice cream and went to my uncle's place...all the kids were over and then my folks came by with the friend of the family... Daisy (yes, the weird thing is...I was talking to S about her favorite book...and it was the "Great Gatsby"...I always joked around about calling her Daisy...so I dunno if it means anything...and yes, seeing more NC plates on the road....I just notice these things.) And then came home to work out and have dinner with Chris.

I actually missed the Opher...haven't seen him since Weds. had grilled chicken salad and watched the Sopranos with him...then went out again with the kids, folks, and Daisy.

Drove to LIC and it was madness...all these cars just parked along the highway to watch the fireworks. We just stood in the middle of the offramp with all these people and watched. I just felt numb...something is missing...and I know what it is.

30 minutes of fireworks can actually get kind of boring...but afterwards we went back to my uncle's and watched videotape of Lulu's dance recitals and her JH graduation and prom...wow...I can't believe I used to hold that big headed baby and now she's a little woman now...*tear.

Played some DDR with the kids...I totally suck now...and made plans to show Daisy around the city tomorrow. I love my family...we are so huggy and kissy...but man...it must be a shock to some people.

Anyways...home...alone...stressed out about finding what Marvel has to say this week. I am so scared that I'm going to be facing more disappointment. It's out of my hands now...and I'm praying for the best. I really, really want and need this job. If I don't get it...well, I think I may hop on a plane and just get the heck outta here for awhile and think about what I need to do...it's been such a weird, long, horrible summer...I just want things to get better.

I still pray for her all the time...I still miss her... and there are so many of my friends hurting out there...my prayers go out to all of them...and I'm trying my best to make sense of all of this. What are we supposed to learn from this pain and suffering? Has the world become so far gone? Lord, show us... what is this all about?

I'm lonely and hurting...but I know it will get better. Things can change for the better on a dime...just waiting for it to land.

Happy Independence Day. God bless America. God bless me and you.

more bad news...
Sunday, July 3, 2005 11:12 p.m.

Spent the day with the family. The kids were cute and all...but still...I can't shake that awful feeling.

Went shopping with my mom, my aunts, and Niu...we went to Kohl's and bought some clothes and stuff...it was cute how I was helping Niu pick out clothes...I wonder if that's how it feels to have a daughter? I'm weird...I know...but I can't wait to have a kid and take my kid shopping one day...and just buy my kid whatever...

I got a pink and blue striped shirt, a pair of shorts, and...a Led Zeppelin shirt! It was the same design that I thought was so cool when I saw it back when I was a kid at my mom's mall...across from my mom's store was a t-shirt/poster store that was owned by my folks' friend...and they had the same shirt back then...of a fallen angel.

Tried not to think...but a few weeks ago...I was making plans to go away for the weekend...and now... I'm alone again. How quickly things change... makes me realize I should never make plans with a girl until I know she is mine for sure... how quickly I get fooled. I just feel so numb and cold right now...I'm still stunned and sad... I want this all to be a bad dream. I want her back in my life...I miss her so much and I just don't want this to be the end. God knows, I had so much hope for us.

Went to my aunt's friends place in Armonk. HUGE house...and everyone was in the pool all day playing water polo and whatever...I wasn't feeling well...physically and just feeling kind of depressed...but the kids had a lot of fun and we had a BBQ after... it was really multi-culltural...my aunt's friends included an Indian woman, a Jewish guy, and a French (or was it German) lady married to a Chinese guy...really cool.

My aunt's friend was really upset...and I found out that one of my aunt's best friend's had a major tragedy. His 4-month-old nephew died suddenly today at a babysitter's house. He had only seen his nephew twice...and now this happens. And the baby's grandmother was at a retreat this weekend...just incredibly sad...another major tragedy that has affected those near me this summer. I really want this to be the end. So sad...what is going on? Lord, please help them through this...help all of us.

My aunt wasn't going to come to Queens...but she is going to come tomorrow... what a sad occassion.

Came home and Eric was chilling with Shelb... good to have my brother home... I just hope we get a chance to pray about all of this stuff. I really feel the need to draw close to God at this point. Just so much stress that has taken such a huge toll...I don't know why everything has to happen in such a short span of time...it's just so bizarre...but if anything...it's made me hold closer to my faith...and it's made me pray harder than I have in a very long time.

I know that God is faithful...evne when we fail and sin. I know that He wants the best for us...and that we just need to hold on to see His plan.

So... Independence Day...it means freedom for us...and it means holding on to what we believe in. Amen. Hang in there...it's bound to get better.

cruel summer...
Saturday, July 2, 2005 10:42 p.m.

Got up and out early to get my new phone. Switched over and then sealed the old phone away. I think that was the last reminder I have of heres...and I just feel...numb. I don't know if this is worse than the pain from before...but it's definitely not a good feeling.

Cleaned up a bit and then went to my aunt's place with my folks and Justin...turns out my aunt wasn't even around...she went to Queens with unca alan and alex...oh well...

We went wandering around the local mall...and I just felt so weird... last time I was at a mall I was with her and we were making plans...and just having such a normal, fun time...now two weeks later...she's gone again...and I just don't know what to think about all of it. I wish it was a dream...I really wish I could take it all away.

Went grocery shopping and we went home to eat...not much else... after dinner...took a walk with my mom...and just tried to take my mind off of things... the stars, the colors in the sky, the fireflies...and here I am stuck on a girl and a job...the crux of all this stress.

Lord, I want to get better. Heaven help me. Come what may, please let it be better than how I feel right now.

another day of feeling numb...
Friday, July 1, 2005 11:37 p.m.

Yes, July is here and things aren't much better. I find that the mornings are the hardest...I wake up and panic and I realize what is wrong in my life. The only thing that changes things is just hopping on the elliptical machine and just running until I sweat through the awful feeling.

Went to Costco with the folks and had a scary moment. I was pushing the cart and just got so lightheaded and dizzy...I thought I was seriously going to pass out..but I got something to eat and some sugar in my blood and I was fine.

Justin came back from his JROTC camp and he had a good time. He's really taking this seriously and learning a lot. I'm happy for him...but I certainly don't want him running off to join the armed forces. It's good to have my baby home though. He repelled down walls, ate MREs, had chow, worked out, earned some ribbons, made some friends, and learned about discipline. But he's still my baby!

Went to Harvest Buffet and just could not eat very much. I think it's like when you have a starving person...and they try to eat as much as they can...but they just aren't physically able to... All in all..I'm glad I couldn't put it away as the Chang tradition dictates...I like the fact that I am losing so much weight and looking so much better...now if only I could actually feel better....

I'm just trying not to think about her...but when I was leaving the apartment today...I was flipping through the news and a reporter named something like "Sumi Das" was doing a story...it just shook me up...I know people might not think these little things mean anything...and I'm not sure if they do...but I can't help thinking that they might. It's like when you dream...these weird elements float into your brain...and they seem so significant...but maybe they mean nothing...but they are still there. Only in this case, I'm awake.

I miss her and I want to be with her...and I refuse to believe this is the end of our story...I just know that I need to keep on going and make myself feel better.

I've been used to being alone...I can get used to it again...and one day...someone will surprise me. But for now...I'm still surprised at how many life-altering changes have been happening to my friends and family this year...all touched with a tinge of sadness...sometimes...just really dark. I wonder what it is all supposed to mean. Is there some kind of cosmic balance? Does God demand a sacrifice? I don't know...I only want to believe that things do happen for a reason...and when we look back we will realize that all of this had a purpose...the pain and suffering...we go through it to make the good times that much sweeter.

I just want something good to happen...something that lasts. I'm just so tired of all the disappointment and sadness...the temporary joys seem so cruel when they are tainted... Lord, help us. I want to understand the lesson in all of this.

Talked to Doris a little bit...she's doing ok...and I thank God I have her in my life... it makes things a little better to have someone to talk to... and that cares about you in return.

Each day gets better...but it's still so hard. I don't like feeling so lonely. I just want someone to talk to...and to stick around. Any takers?

archived.
Thursday, June 30, 2005 11:48 p.m.

Yes, I've put June 2005 away. I want to leave the past...and look forward to the future. So many false starts, tragedies, and just pain. I hope that July brings some joy and peace. The summers have been hard for me these past few years. Let's see if this year will be different. Keep praying. Keep hope alive. It's bound to get better one day.