WOW...another good sign...
Wednesday, June 1, 2005 11:50 p.m.

Oh, Marco ...thank you. My fellow comic book geek and Stuy alum told me that he heard that one of my friends is working at Marvel. Mackenzie Cadenhead...it must be her! She has such a unique name...and apparently she edits a TON of titles...she's pretty high up on the chain apparently.

So, with any luck...she can put in a good word for me if I get a chance to see her when I go interview at Marvel. I really hope she's there. Even if I don't get the job...it will be good to see her again.

We were SING buddies and creative writing class buddies also. I haven't seen her in ages and she was always at the top of my list of people I wanted to track down and keep in contact with. Oh man...I hope she is there on Friday! At least so we can get in touch again.

Well, times change and people end up doing things you wouldn't expect...wow...who knew she'd be at Marvel. How awesome is that??? She has my dream job already...and maybe she can help me get my dream job as well.

more good stuff.
Wednesday, June 1, 2005 10:12 p.m.

Woke up to a call from the studio...my CDs are on the way! If I get them this weekend...if everything else goes well...this seriously could be the best week ever (TM VH1)!!

S read my long email and she said that one of her coworkers read it and was so jealous of how I've been treating her. I don't know if that's a good thing...but the fact that she is open about our relationship with others seems like a step in the right direction.

Went to meet Grace at 71st for lunch. She was out in Queens interviewing for a volunteer position at a children's center. Man, why is she so awesome? Grace is such an amazing person.

Had lunch and got up to speed. I really want Grace to meet S...I think she is a really good judge of character...and if it comes to it...I know she has my back. And I think S and her friends would get along with Grace...so we'll see. Maybe sometime next month?

Went grocery shopping at no less than 4 different places. I want this picnic to be perfect.

Home... went over to keep Justin company. We watched Shaolin Soccer...which was just AWESOME. I like it better than Kung Fu Hustle...the doremisolati thing right before the Thriller parody...oh man...I was cracking up.

S called and told me something...she said that she was talking to her mentor at work...and I THINK she said she told him "Oh, I'm going on a date with my boyfriend this weekend"...OMG...am I hearing things? Did she slip up? I dunno...but it's silly...

Got some more groceries with the folks and some wine...I guess you can't really bring wine into Central Park per se...oh, welll...will figure something out.

Tomorrow should be a nice laid back day. Working out, more rehearsal, cooking, prepping for weekend...and for my big interview on Friday...eeep.

Wow...what a week...let's just hope the good news keeps coming. Amen.

Complications
Wednesday, June 1, 2005 12:40 a.m.

Ack...ok...after watching "National Treasure" with Chris (which was really good, btw) things got a little weird.

I called S back...and at first things were fun and normal (at least for how we've been this past week)...and then she started getting tired and the conversation shifted to how she was telling her mother how she hadn't been in a relationship in a long time and how she was dating people before (this was before we met up)...and then she was just saying how it would take a really remarkable man to "hold her down" and get her in a relationship again...and not being a single girl having fun in the world.

I asked her..."well, do you want me to let you go...or are you asking me to hold you down?" And she said ..."well, I don't want you to let me go..." meaning... I need to work HARD to hold her down if I want a committed relationship.

And she knows that things with me will have to come to an "ultimatum"...I either want all of her...or none at all. I have no intention of sharing her...so basically...it just sounds like she really wants me to sweep her off her feet and prove that we are going to be in it for the long run...or else... we need to go our separate ways.

I'm not sure what it's going to take to "hold her down"...but we both agreed that we've started something...and yes...officially we are "more than friends"...but not quite boyfriend/girlfriend...yet.

Well, typing it down makes it seem better than I thought. I was having a bit of a panic attack for no reason...but I handled it well. I wrote her a long email (she misses our letters) and told her to just not listen to friends/family putting ideas in her head...and that she should approach it as US...that she should calm down and just enjoy the time we have together to see if it is right. It's felt so right so far... let's just hope it lasts.

There are echoes of things that went wrong with E in this...but I am determined to not make the same mistakes. We both need time and space to really think about how we feel.

I told her worst case scenario: we go our separate ways and never see each other again. Best case scenario: I marry her, fill her up with babies, and we get puppies. But right now...it's too early to say which way the wind will shift. Let's just enjoy the moment and not let all the possibilities overwhelm us.

There is plenty that I am unsure about too...but this past week has been sooooo good. I don't want to ruin it...and I don't want her to ruin it either!

So...I planned a very romantic weekend full of fun. Dinner, movie, picnics, dancing, etc... just the good old-fashioned way to a girl's heart...but with lots of Abe-ingenuity to make it special.

Yes, it might be our 2nd or maybe it's 3rd date? But I'm going to make sure it will impress her and make her swoon a little...c'mon...just a little.

So, yes...the plan is in effect. I'm going to win this girl over. Let's go!!!! GANBATTE!!!!

Dang...when is it time for someone to woo me? This is tiring.

fun in the sun...
Tuesday, May 31, 2005 05:26 p.m.

Sigh...S woke me up with my "good morning" text messages at like 830...so I was up and about early and I ran a little bit before getting ready to go into the city to meet Deanna.

IMed Cindy a bit and she said she will be in NY in 3 weeks! So much has changed since I last saw her...can't wait till she gets home.

Picked up some cheap dvds and just puttered around Union Square. Met up with Deanna and had lunch at Coffee Shop. She's doing well and happy with Danny and the whole school/work/teaching thing. We just had a good time catching up... so weird how I used to be her teacher!

She had to babysit and pick up the kids. This little girl called Cora...she came out with cookies and was licking them. She was going to her guitar lesson ...so I gave her a pick...She rubbed it on her face! SOOO CUTE!

Anyhoo... home now... got dvds to watch and more time to work out. I'm sure S will call...still trying to make plans with her for the weekend. We'll see if we can actually make time.

OMG...I'm a bridesmaid.
Monday, May 30, 2005 09:51 p.m.

More evidence that this might be the best Memorial Day EVER: My Doris is ENGAGED!

Congratulations! Doris and K got engaged this past weekend in Cape Cod in a very romantic fashion. (I should take notes for future reference...)Homemade book of memories and a ring embeded in the pages...sigh.

And I was officially the first person to know after the family. So I am a very proud "Unca Abe" to the future progeny... now if I can only get into the dress... hmmm.

Another story filled with ups and downs...but I knew this day was coming (I actually thought July)...but I'm glad things worked out. I am soooooo happy for them. I'm sure K will take good care of Doris...and I'll be there to help out.

So, yeah...I guess that's another wedding I will have to attend in 2006. I hope I'll have a date to bring then...let's hope that time and fate will be kind.

Just an insanely amazing weekend for so many people. I've been saying this since the New Year...it's going to be an amazing year of change...and it's only 6 months through and people changing careers, leaving tedious jobs, finding and solidifying love... just insane...but more importantly...the majority seem to be for the better.

Ok...I'm kinda beat from hanging with the family. I love it when my aunts get together and tell stories. They are just so cute and animated...LulU is graduating from JHS and is looking to buy an outfit...it's been weeks. I should really try to get one of my friends to help her go clothes shopping. My poor aunts are exhausted...and man, these kids grow up so fast. *tear*

Oh, and my uncle's office is 2 blocks from Marvel...so if I get the job(hopehope)...I can have lunch with him. I have a good feeling about this... let's pray it works out. Spidey, here I come! Wolverine, I got yer back! Psylocke and White Queen...ooooh...but then again, I'm spoken for. :P

Nina left our family in Maryland and should be almost at NC. Chris should be home any minute...lots to tell him.

Ok... lunch with Deanna in the city tomorrow and who knows what else the day will bring. It's been a good weekend. I don't want it to end.

Yes, waiting for the nightly phone call. But I'm beat...and she's beat...but still.

wow...emotional.
Monday, May 30, 2005 02:54 p.m.

Well, talked to S for a good hour or so last night and it was light and fun for the most part...a lot of stuff that she is working on at her work place...just a silly situation...but she is taking care of it.

Just a lot of things that seem to be more than coincidence... me, working on NC books while I was at TL, Nina going to NC for her internship... just weird roads that kept me thinking about S all this time.

Found out that one of my friends' exes...married someone from high school that he dated for like 2 months... getting reacquainted with a past flame...and leading to marriage... wow.

I know I might be jumping the gun...but a really weird thing happened to me last night. I was watching this episode of "World of Narue" where two of the characters ended up getting married. When I turned off the tv...it just hit me so hard...all the WHAT IFs that could be real...WHAT IF all the heartache and pain that I went through was leading up to this redeemed relationship with S...WHAT IF we did get married? Can you imagine the testimony of faith and grace that would be evident on that day? Can you imagine what I would say... how this decade long story of friendship, love, betrayal, and redemption lead to that? It just hit me so hard and...I just broke down and sobbed and sobbed and prayed that this happiness and hope would be real...that the story that has begun will have the ending that I can imagine...I don't think I've ever been humbled and so grateful...and this is only the beginning... WHAT IF... yes, what if? Can you imagine how this could be so simply amazing?

Anyways...when I talked to S this morning...I kept it light and breezy...no need to tell her about what happened last night. But she is hanging out with her friend Grace today... and I may see her sometime this week or at least the weekend... last night we were so on the same page when I was like "absence makes the heart grow fonder"...and we were both like "but dang, it's been seven years already!"...so yes, no games...at least the unwelcome ones.

I do appreciate her restraint. By her not letting me kiss her on the lips just yet... really means that she is taking this seriously...she said that at one point...we were so close and she was like "well, I was thinking...oh ok...but you were such a gentleman and you stopped when I said no the first time"....but if I pressed her...hahahah! And yes, she did mention that if we had been together years ago it would have gone...far. So, yes...she has changed and we are taking this very slow. And yeah, restraint is good... she knows she is "teasing" me... but it's better if you wait...right? but sooo difficult. :P At least it keeps me on my toes.

And if anything...it's different than when it was with E...I mean...honestly that relationship just was waaaay too hot and bothered from the get go...so much so that I knew that it couldn't last...but with S now...we are taking the right approach to this to really make it work...we've both changed in a lot of ways...but the little things that I've always loved about her are still the same. She's still precious to me...me, this idiot. I know, I know...that's why I need YOU to keep me accountable and not crazyinsane about this. But let me gush a little...sheesh!

She loves "reverie" and has been listening to it nonstop...she even made her roommate listen to it and read the lyrics...and she says she'll be coming to the CD release show...it will be weird to have her there. But I've sang it to her already...and that was just...cathartic. *sigh*

Anyhooo...went to have brunch with the family and had a good time with my aunts and kids. All the stories and the laughs...just fun. Eric went back to Boston and Chris is coming home...Nina should be almost at NC now...

Came home to work out and rehearse...S is probably at Ikea right now...and later I'll probably go home again for dinner with the family.

It has been a great weekend. I am overjoyed, excited...(albeit tentatively so) about the future. I mean, if my interview this Friday goes well and things work out with S...it could be the best week of my life. Oh, the possibilites. God is so good. The potential is there. Let's just be patient and calm and let things happen as they should.

Hold me down...cause I may just explode.

long day... but good stuff.
Sunday, May 29, 2005 11:13 p.m.

Wow...what a long and weird weekend it has been. Got up and went home for brunch. Played with the kids and then went to LFCC with Eric. Saw Gary and a bunch of old friends. Message was about unity...good stuff.

Just really tired because I was hung over and my neighbor was apparently having really loud sex at like 4AM ...arrgh. grody.

Took a nap and talked to S some more....we are really falling into the sweet talk pattern lately. Text message insanity! Well, at least I know she thinks I'm "handsome" and "cute"... :P AND...it seems like she is taking this very seriously and level headed. Time will tell..

So...I guess we are dating/seeing each other now? Well, as things get cemented...we'll see how things as they are. For now...just avoiding labels and enjoying the time together. I think that is enough. But slow and steady wins the race...and all of that.

I spent a lot of time at church praying about this. If anything...I want this to start out right and I don't want anyone to get hurt. I want to go into with my eyes open and just ready for whatever happens. The past is so tricky to shake...and trust is so hard to build again...but I WANT to believe that this will be real. I WANT to believe that we can have a future together. I want to look back on these entries years from now and be reminded of how our love started...and not how I was taken for a fool again. *sigh* 20/20 in hindsight.

And yeah, she took one of my shirts to keep last night...and she is wearing a hole in the CD I made for her...with "reverie" as one of the songs on it.

Anyhooo...eric went to meet Charlotte's folks and dropped me off at home...after nap...went home for dinner with my aunts, the kids, and my folks...threw the football around with Justin and Philip (P needs to learn how to throw...it's getting there...but man...he needs some help) and I was surprised at what a good spiral I can still throw...dang! nina, kelvin, and mike came over so nina could say goodbye... I'm sure she will be fine in NC for her internship.

Other than that...it's been a long day...lots of thoughts still swirling in my head...and hope. Let's see how long this good streak will last. Amen.

Could I be any happier?
Sunday, May 29, 2005 12:30 a.m.

Ok...just to build up the suspense...I'm going to write about the long day I had before one of the most memorable nights of my life.

Got up and cleaned and got ready for Eric and Charlotte getting into town. Eric picked me up and we went home for a weird meal of pizza and homemade Chinese food... great way to impress Charlotte! But she didn't seem to mind and even thouhg my folks' house was a mess... she seemed ok with it. I guess I'm the only neat OCD freak in the family....

After that...went back first...Nina, Kelvin, Amy Jean, Mike came over and moved Nina's stuff into my studio...just a mess of crap...books and clothes and stuff. ARRRGH. Guess my apartment is going to be a little more crowded than normal.

Shelb came over and we all hung out for a little bit. At least we got to show Charlotte a neat Chang household...

Ok...I'm getting to the good part. After they all left...I got cleaned and waited for S to come. We were just going to hang out at my place and watch movies. She arrives around 830 and she just looks so good. I can't believe she is in my apartment after all these years...and it felt so normal...almost like deja vu.

It was a little weird at first...but as the night wore on...we got more comfortable with each other and things were looser. She wanted to watch "Closer" again...I hadn't seen it until last night and it was just a really depressing movie to watch with S...but still she made it fun with her running commentary and all her little tangential asides.

After that... we had some wine and I got to do something I've wanted to do for longer than I remember. I sang "reverie" for her... which was really weird but cathartic...since I wrote the song about her waaay back in like the late 90s? I just got it out of my system...and we sat and talked and basically... it sounds like we are on the path to a mutual understanding...of getting to know one another and figuring out all of this...this long history being healed one hour at a time, one phone call at a time...

So we sat and just held hands and talked over wine and candles and joked around and just laid out what we wanted...well...she was more reticent...but basically... it's the fact that she has matured and she wants a good Christian relationship built on honesty and trust...and eventually leading to marriage...whether or not we get to that point...we've started on the path in babysteps already.

After some more wine...I got to do something I've been waiting 10 years to do...I got to slowdance with her. I just randomly picked some cheezy song from back when that reminded me of her... "Right Here Waiting" ...reminds me of old karaoke times we had... and we danced to that and it was magic. I pulled her close and just held her and we just did our slow revolutions... and we didn't want it to end...and we played more Richard Marx and some u2...

I dipped her and twirled her around and picked her up and kissed her...uh... well...she still won't let me kiss her on the lips just yet...she's making me wait for that... until we are more steady... but I don't mind... she said I had "luscious lips" (and I do) and I know she wants to kiss me too... but I understand and appreciate the whole restraint thing. we've never been that close before...and we both couldn't believe our little candlelit twirl would feel so right. And she was gorgeous...the standard that I've held every woman to in the past decade...no one could ever compare to her when things between us are right. yes, one came close...but in the end... I've always compared every single woman I've been with to S. I do not take it lightly when I said that she was the love of my life...and she still might be.

My biggest fear was that one of us would feel awkward about it...but she felt like home to me...and I think I felt like home to her too. Just the two of us alone and just laughing and being silent and just getting used to the feeling of our bodies together in the same place for once...our foreheads touching and just looking at each other and all that time... the build up of this amazing story...where we reached the lowest of lows...only to (hopefully) be redeemed in the end.

She grabbed my hair a lot and just made me look her in the eyes (which I really, really like) and she bit me a few times...(which is a weird family tradition...we show our affection by biting...I wonder if I ever told her)and we just let the wine and the moment carry us...

And yes...she was right to not spend the night. I told her that if we are going to have a relationship...we need to do it right and take it slow and that she can face her mom on Sunday at church and not have to explain where she slept (even if it was only sleep) the night before.... we need to take it slow...I get it...but one day... it might be more than I can bear...because it would mean that all my prayers and hopes all those years...might actually be the best thing for us.

God is the greatest storyteller...if all of the tragedy and drama that we had to go through...makes the story of our lives and our redemption, and God's glory ...that much greater...what can I say but...hallelujah.

So, yeah... we will call each other and take things slow and hopefully this will all work out for the best. I can still smell her hair when I close my eyes...and her voice just stays with me. I've always cared about her... I've cared and loved for a good part of the last decade...and now...it's all different but strangely familiar...and I am just happy for the moment. There's not much more that I can say for now...if I am fool tomorrow...or the day or week or year after that... at least we had last night.

more good news ...and hard work.
Saturday, May 28, 2005 12:04 a.m.

Got a lot done today... first thing I did was call Marvel Comics to...set up and interview! I'll be meeting with an editor next Friday! Please keep me in your prayers. I really, really want a job there!

Out and about early with Chris to get haircut and pick up laundry. Got a really long text message from S... I was wondering if she would start calling me "Abest" again...it's been so long since I've heard that...but it really brought back memories. I know there is so much at stake here...but only if I let it. I've missed her so much...and now she is back in my life...I just want things to go well and not get crazy (not to mention...not get hurt)...I just hope my friends and family are there to keep me calm and thinking straight. S has such an effect on me...it's just hard to see clearly when I hear her voice and that laugh of hers. Or just to see her in her doe-eyed cuteness...it's too much for me sometimes. Simply, I just want things to be good between us. Whatever may come...it could all end tomorrow....or not. I'm so confused.

With that said... she called me a few times today... and we are still trying to figure out what we are going to do tomorrow. Should we go into the city? Should I go to Jersey? What? I'll have to think about this some more.

Actually mopped for the first time in MONTHS. Charlotte is coming over tomorrow and I want to make a good impression on possibly...my future sister-in-law... heck, Eric's place is a pigsty...why am I so nervous about it? Went grocery shopping with the folks after Chris took off for Virginia with his friends. Put together Justin's U2 poster frame jammie...and came home to clean up some more.

Finished "Sideways"...and man...I have so many similarities with Miles... maybe anime/dvds/music/comics are my wine... and the whole writing thing... maybe I just need a Maya in my life. Someone to encourage me to keep at it and to just keep trying.

I know there are so many possibilites that are hinging on a moment in the near future....will I get a job at Marvel? Will people buy my CD? Will people come to my show? Will things work out with S?... Stay tuned true believers! Excelsior! (yeah, I'm a geek. WHAT?!?!) I keeps it real.

Signs of good stuff?
Friday, May 27, 2005 12:05 a.m.

Wow...what a day. Just a lot of stuff going on. Applied to SPIN magazine last night... could be one of my dream jobs. We'll see what happens with that.

Got up and took the grandparents to dim sum with my mom...the bad thing was...had to go to Flushing to pick up meds for them...right near the "forbidden zone"...I was just...really, really uncomfortable. Not only because of what it represents...but because I just can't stand Flushing anymore.

Anyhooo...picked up Justin for his acting class...AND his Kmart commercial call back! Stopped home and found that my "lo-fi is chic." bumper stickers arrived! They are a little smaller than I expected...but they still look pretty cool.

Dropped the grandparents off and drove to the city. Justin went to class and I went to Burlington Coat Factory with my mom...It's weird to go shopping with her and actually help her pick out stuff for her! It's like "reversed".

Anyhooo... dropped by the office to say hi to Emily. Some changes in the old digs... Gerald is the new macgenius at the Apple store...and he's a block away from our old-gay buddy Mark! I'll have to stop by and surprise them. Emily looks good and she's doing well...a little disgruntled but...hey, who isn't?

After Justin's class we went to his callback and I dropped him off to say hi to Doris and give her a sticker...she seemed a little out of it...a little more than normal anyways. :P

Justin didn't think he got the part...but we'll see tomorrow. Too many older guys there. He told me some white guy got on the elevator with 3 Asian guys and was like "Hey...3 Asian guys...It's like a joke..." MAN, I WOULD HAVE KNOCKED HIS LIGHTS OUT! ...hahah...that's a joke for ya!

Went to Chinatown to meet up with Dad and have dinner...then home....where I found some great news!

The spec letter I sent to Marvel Comics apparently has got them interested in something. I'll have to call tomorrow and see what it's all about. I just really, really hope it is something I can do. This could be my OTHER dream job. I cannot tell you how much it would just thrill me to work for Marvel (or DC)...and just live my fanboy dream...sigh. Pray that it goes well!

And on a sad note...my aunt's dad passed away after a long illness. Pleas pray for him...and pray for my exteneded family. We knew it was coming...but it still makes a huge impact. I have several good memories of Ping Gong Gong.... Lord, be with him. So many things we can't know or say at a time like this.

Ok..another note...Chris is taking tomorrow off so we can be gay and get haircuts together and pick up our dry cleaning.

Talked to S tonight and it looks like her plans have changed...meaning that I get to spend Saturday night with her. Not sure what is going to happen for sure...but I am a little nervous...and excited. I wish we could just erase the hard times and just start fresh....forget the labored past and just begin new as who we are, what we are like, today. Pray for me...I want to approach this in the right way. I know my heart is always in danger...and I'm terrified of being hurt again. At the same time...I can imagine something really good...and if I dare to think past that...I can imagine a future where our past wounds are healed...and we can look back at how we've been redeemed.

I know...a lot going on...I just hope that there is a light at the end of this murkiness...something clear and good and bright...For once, I want something to last and to make me feel like I am doing the right thing. Older, wiser, better... let's hope so.

lots done...
Wednesday, May 25, 2005 10:03 p.m.

Got up earlier and went out to run some errands with my mom. Picked up Chapelle's at Best Buy, got some stuff at WalMart, Target, and Ikea... just went all over the place.

Then picked up Justin for his "punk rock Kmart" audition...I think it's for print...since all he did was go in and lift a box and walk across the room with 3 other "potential Asian punk rockers"...um... interesting.

Only 2 blocks from Doris...so I dropped off some books for her and said hi...haven't seen her since her bday.

Home... worked out and watched the season finale of LOST...ARRGH! What's in the hatch? Who are those guys in the boat? WTF?!?!? just more and more questions...dang it...season 2 is like 3 months away...arrgh!!!

Talked to S briefly...she was playing Cranium with her roommates last night and she was like "we have to play with your cousin and your family"...wow... we've graduated to playing board games together? Cute...off the beaten path...but cute. I may or may not see her this Saturday...we'll have to see if our schedules work out. Oh, well..we'll figure it out. I just need to keep level headed about all of this.

Did manage to work on the novel a bit last night... just need to get my grey matter and synapses firing again...just need to write and write and edit later.

I'm still sore from working out...dang...I'm out of shape.

eh... just another day
Tuesday, May 24, 2005 09:17 p.m.

Not much happening right now... maybe it's the calm before the storm...

Worked out...rehearsed... cleaned up...cooked. That's about it on the home front.

Picked up Justin with my mom and found out that he got into this ROTC summer camp thing. We are all very proud of him...but concerned that this will lead to him wanting to become an army man...sigh. In any case...it's going to be in July in Massachussets and it will be hot there.

My dad's friend...not sure how he is doing...but found out that he alienated a lot of his friends over money matters. In the end...I want to be sure that I keep good relations with my loved ones...and that I'm never consumed by money issues...not that I have any money to speak of...and may never have any. :P

Speaking of which...I may seriously have to consider going back to educational publishing...it's too long a wait to hear back from schools and who knows if they are even hiring at this point...arrgh.

Haven't heard from S all day (thought that could change) and I'm wondering if that's a good thing or bad thing. Should I be upset or concerned? Should I care? At this point...I just want to be able to be level-headed about all of this and not get too attached to anything that could disappear in a flash... as much as I want to give into the dream that we will end up together...I have to remember the past and all the hurt that it brought...if anything...I want to protect myself...despite my hopes, wants, and wishes...this really isn't up to me at this point.

I'm pretty sure of what I want in life in the long run...I've done my soul searching and I'm more than ready for something that's healthy... oh well...we'll see what the future brings.

Saw most of "Sideways" today and it's made me want to write...I'll get on that right now.

another day...more changes...
Monday, May 23, 2005 11:47 p.m.

Ok... today I start my exercise and diet regimine in earnest. I have less than a month to slim down and get into fighting shape for the show...I've just really let myself go and I'm tired of it. I want to get in shape for so many reasons...for the show, for self-confidence...a goal...and who knows what else the future holds...I just want to be strong and fit again.

So...last night I lifted some weights and really paid for it with sore joints today...and I ran ...and ran some more on the elliptical...baby steps...but hey...have to start somewhere.

S called me at like 745 this morning...sheesh...she was on her way to work... and I was sleeping of course.

Anyhoo...Went with my mom to Costco for a mad run at goods...going to go the high protein/low carb route...so I got loads of lean meat and some fruits and veggies... need to get this under way!

S called again and we talked a little bit... funny thing is she jokes around and is like "no, we won't do (blank) until we get married." ...wow. And she still calls me honey/dear... that's just our dysfunctional relationship. Man, I need to keep my head straight and my heart guarded until something real happens.

Helped my mom clean up...and then went to pick up my dad at the airport.

Sad thing is...one of my dad's friends is really sick and in the hospital...so he didn't learn about this until just now.

anyways...he got Justin the new Do As Infinity single...and it has the "Be Free" video on the DVD! And me and Justin are right in the beginning! "Do As Infinity rocks! Come back to NY!" that's what I said in the video...and Justin is like "Tomiko!" ...hahahah must get another copy of that.

Funny story I forgot to mention...when we went to see Star Wars...I saw this little kid peeing at the urinal...and he was on his tip toes and basically...he had angled his whole body into the urinal and his neck was right by the flush lever...it was so funny...but I felt so bad for the kid.

Congrats to Doris on her job offer. You'll be a great teacher!

Congrats to Sunjoo on graduating! We must hang out soon...hope you had fun at Bright Eyes/ Faint tonight...you owe me one for telling you about it!

Home...sore...tired...confused. So, what's new?

another day...more changes...
Monday, May 23, 2005 11:47 p.m.

Ok... today I start my exercise and diet regimine in earnest. I have less than a month to slim down and get into fighting shape for the show...I've just really let myself go and I'm tired of it. I want to get in shape for so many reasons...for the show, for self-confidence...a goal...and who knows what else the future holds...I just want to be strong and fit again.

So...last night I lifted some weights and really paid for it with sore joints today...and I ran ...and ran some more on the elliptical...baby steps...but hey...have to start somewhere.

S called me at like 745 this morning...sheesh...she was on her way to work... and I was sleeping of course.

Anyhoo...Went with my mom to Costco for a mad run at go

I may...FAINT.
Monday, May 23, 2005 12:32 a.m.

Still reeling from the events from last night. I can't believe this is all happening again. She called me twice today and we just made some small talk. If the patterns from the past still hold... she'll be calling me all the time and like the puppydog that I am ...I'll answer. I just hope that I don't get wrecked in the process.

All you kiddies out there...make sure to leave me a note to tell me if I am being a 'tard about any of this. Please. I need people to keep me sane and accountable to my actions (and maybe, my feelings).

Worked out...must work out everyday until the concert. I really need to get back into shape. I cannot slack on this. I have a little less than a month to get toned up some.

Went to Webster Hall to meet Elaine to go see the Faint and Bright Eyes. I totally forgot there was an opening act...some rapper called Mars Black..which I suppose was meant to be ironic? He was ok.

The Faint...omg...where do I start. Literally, one of the best bands I have ever seen live. The crowd was full of cute indie chicks and annoying indierock guys...but we all had ourselves a little ravedanceathon. The Faint were just perfect. I never expected them to be so tight and sound so amazing...just did not stop moving from the beginning of their set to the end. Those art school guys..they had all these perfectly timed short films in the background that were just amazing...as if the music didn't rock and groove enough...the visuals just made it superb. Faves included "Desperate Guys", "I Disappear", "Glass Dance", and "Agenda Suicide"...just awesome

A lot of kids left after the Faint...Elaine had to go...but I stuck around to see Conor Oberst and Nick Zinner do their thing (and some of the Faint guys joined in) the 10 piece band sounded AMAZING...visuals were ok...lots of technical problems...but they played some really good versions of the Digital Ash stuff...of course my faves were "Gold Mine Gutted" and "Light Pollution"...and this one song that I didn't recognize fromt he album...must have been a b-side.

Home...mom and family came back from Jersey...I am exhaustipated. Tomorrow is another day. God bless you.

BIGGEST NEWS...in a long time...
Sunday, May 22, 2005 02:32 a.m.

Just when I thought it was a lazy Saturday...guess who calls out of the blue? Soo Mi.

She calls me at around 5:30/6 and tells me she has been meaning to call me all year. She moved back to the area less than a year ago and has been working. She explains that all the things that happened 3 years ago or so were just a psychotic episode and that she is finally ok now. I won't get into details...and I'm not sure what to believe...but the true test was that she wanted to finally meet up...after almost 7 years of not seeing her. She wanted to meet up tonight.

She drives in and picks me up at 9 and we head into the city. The whole ride there I think of how she's grown up and how she is still so gorgeous...and also of all the times that I've been played for a fool.

We park the car and go to Holy Basil and have dinner. We talk about the past and what it all meant and she apologizes and says that she's back and this is where her roots are. She says she's back and not leaving...and then she tells me she was dating some guy at work. I'm a little taken aback and she says it wasn't serious...and I can't say that I haven't been dating either...but still. Flames of jealousy and what not.

I tell her that I can't be "just friends" with her if she's dating some guy and wants me to be her "friend" or if she enjoys being single and dating...I can't be a "friend" and deal with that...especially after all we've been through...and all the things that were said back then.

She tells me that she wants us to get reacquainted and we talk like we used to ...about how and if we got married/dated how things would be and how things would change.

I tell her that everything I've told her has been the truth and I look her in the eyes and say this for once. I get it out in the open...all the hurt, all the mistrust, all the past....but all the feelings I've still harbored for her.

She knows all of this...but what she does with it...that's really not for me to say right now. I really don't know if she is telling me the truth that she wants to spend time together and see how things go...or how things will be.

All I know is that I still carry this flame for her...and it's something eternal that I'm not sure will ever change. She may need to mature and come to terms with the fact that we do know each other...at least in the most seminal facets of our being...that we haven't changed...at least not the little things that used to matter.

Her smile...the tangential way she thinks, the way she laughs, the things she laughs at...the way she still calls me "honey/dear"... her eyes, the way they crinkle, the way she gets so excited about things, the way she plays with her food...her cute nose, her profile, the way her hair smell...the way she feels.

These things just seem like the familiar things I missed and imagined...and I wish things would work out between us.

I'm not sure if that means "closure" where I just move on without her...or if we have any sort of future together...as friends or as anything more.

Who knows what the next time will be like? Who knows if I'll actually see her again?

After dinner we went to Bayside and went to Flamingo. We had a good time with drinks and just fooling around...but the serious talk (well, more of it) happened in the car.

I just said a lot of things for her to think about...which I know to be true...and I hope she does really think about it and lets it sink in.

She needs direction...she needs sanity...she needs to be healed and to realize what it means to be loved unconditionally.

I'm not sure if I can give her anything right now. But she always has had a piece of my heart...and probably always will...if anything ever comes out of it that is good...I can look back on tonight as closure. Sitting in the car, holding her hand...looking her in the eye and saying all those things that I've held onto for so many years...it feels like a great weight has been lifted.

I'm more mature and stronger now...and I don't think I will let myself be put in the same position again.

But Sue says that their needs to be some trust...and she needs to earn that. Words may just be rhetoric...but not when it is true.

I've always spoken the truth and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I've given a lot...and I know that there is more to come. How I deal with it...that's the big question.

I hugged her goodbye and kissed her on the forehead. I waved as she drove away...and a little bit of my past was healed. The future is another story.

Can we be friends? Can we be more? Should we?

I can't answer that now...and not for awhile. But the fact is...she is back in my life for the time being...and I should be getting some phone calls soon...in fact...she just called to say she got home ok....but later...if and when we see each other...that's where the story goes.

Tragedy, drama, comedy...it's all there.

SITH!
Saturday, May 21, 2005 12:09 a.m.

Wow...what a long day. I am so beat. Got up early and went to Ikea with my mom and we took my grandparents also. We borrowed wheel chairs from the mall to wheel them around... which I think is fun for them. My mom got a bunch of stuff from Ikea and then...we used our grandparents as human shopping carts!

My mom had them hold stuff while we wheeled them out. It was fun for everyone involved. My grandfather had such a huge smile on his face... fun!

After that...picked up Justin and then Niu, Chi, and Lu...took the boys to Austin street first and got tix for Star Wars: Episode III.

Chris and Fred met up with us and we all went to watch. We got this HUGE...biggest beverage I've ever seen...and a tub of popcorn. Thing is...the movie theater let's you get soda and popcorn refills... total refills... 3 times each!

AND...the new pizza place next door was giving out free pizza! So we all got a slice of weird "gourmet" pizza... um...honey mustard chicken on a pizza? And oh...Justin got a Care Bear from the crane machine... a green one...so I guess it's "Good Luck Bear"...

Oh...the movie...IT WAS AWESOME...the last hour totally made up for Eps. I and II...and the scene with Anakin and Obi-Wan....wow.

The cheesy lovey-dovey dialogue was pretty crap...but the other stuff was all well done. The lightsaber battles and ship stuff...all well done. I just wanted more...didn't want it to end...wanted more!

I have to give credit to Hayden Christensen...as the movie progressed...he got better...but still...not great. Ewan did the best job... not bad for a junkie. (Trainspotting joke.)

Home...exhausted. Missed Ciara's bday party...but I'm just beat. So sorry.

Suns and Mavs game...awesome... Suns win in OT and came waaaay back from behind. WOW. Steve Nash is such the MVP.

Laundry tomorrow... dvds...and Lindsay on SNL... sigh. Need to look for jobs and write too.

Eh...stuff.
Thursday, May 19, 2005 09:20 p.m.

Big news: The exec. ed. at my old company resigned today. I'm just surprised she wasn't fired. She is such a sweet person...but I don't think she was qualified for the job at all.

More news: Arrested Development got picked up for Season 3! Moving to Mondays! WOOOO !!! Pop-pop is sooooo happy.

Not much going on... picked Justin up and went to his acting class. I got some comics got a great deal on Everybody Loves Raymons S.3.. and went to Barnes and Noble and read Ultimates...

Think I saw Michelle Fei from JH/hs ...and ran into Lisa (Gary's) on the train.

Mom starts her vacation today and is off until next Friday...where she goes in for one day...and then has the long weekend. She brought over some fried chicken...

Not much else... watching tv and taking it easy today.

City of Blinding Lights...
Thursday, May 19, 2005 01:31 a.m.

One of my friend's just lost her grandmother. Oh mna, what to do...except say that I will be there and really mean it. Seriously, I'm available to run errands and what not...whatever helps. Pray for her and her family.

Lots done today... got up and out to run some errands. Art proofs back to Oasis and deposited my tax return...this is basically the last of my money..ack. Going to run out really soon. Oh, and rejection letter from Hunter...which was expected. :(

Home... and got my contracts for Anime Insider... so...that's the last of my money when that check gets issued.

E3 coverage on G4TV...wow...PS3 looks awesome..Xbox 360, eh....Nintendo Revolution?

Took Justin to see U2...took the bus from Port Authority and got to Continental Airlines Arena...much like my first U2 concert with Eric back when it was the Achtung Baby tour.

Got some really cool posters with the venue date on it...and a couple of buttons. T-shirts are so friggin expensive nowadays!

Back in the day...teh Pixies opened and they were awesome...Kings of Leon...man, they sucked so bad I got angry...tehy have that one ipod commercial song...but the rest were like country hoe-downs, crappy vocals...and barely passable music arrangements...at least the drummer was ok...

We had AMAZING seats...it wasn't 15 rows like I thought...it was 5 rows!!! We were really close and the crowd was fun...beach balls were batted around.

The U2 intro music was really interesting...it was Arcade Fire's "rebellion (lies)...which was GREAT...and then U2 took the stage with "City of Blinding Lights" which was an awesome choice.

The new songs are ok...and the old old ones were fine...but the ones that got me were the Joshua Tree/Achtung/older era stuff..."Running to Stand Still", "Pride", and "Where the Streets Have No Name" was my fave...just still gives me goosebumps, even today.

The encore stuff was a lot of Achtung: Zoo Station, The Fly, and Mysterious Ways... just falt out amazing. Bono was such a great showman...and he picked a girl from the audience up for Mysterious...and she did a really cute little dance... *nosebleed*

The one annoying part was when they brought some stupid local band up...three dumb kids that played "I Still Haven't Found.." and just tried to hog the spotlight...so dumb...

But the last song...oh wow... "Bad"...my all time fave U2 song...I didn't think they would play it...and the closed the show with it...wow. Loved it. No "With or Without You"...which is fine by me, I suppose.

Justin had a good time and bopped around a lot...he only knew the new stuff...but must work on that kids rhythm.

Anyhooo...here's the setlist:

City Of Blinding Lights, Vertigo / Stories For Boys (snippet), Elevation, Gloria, The Ocean, Beautiful Day / Blackbird (snippet), Miracle Drug, Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own / No Regrets (snippet), Love And Peace Or Else, Sunday Bloody Sunday, Bullet The Blue Sky / The Hands That Built America (snippet) / When Johnny Comes Marching Home (snippet), Running To Stand Still, Pride (In The Name Of Love), Where The Streets Have No Name, One encores: Zoo Station, The Fly, Mysterious Ways, All Because Of You, Yahweh, I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For, Bad / 40 (snippet)

Interesting tid-bit...some drunk guy was stumbling around my folks neighborhood...turns out he was our neighbor's brother.

Lots of stuff to do tomorrow too!

U2 tix are...so money.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005 01:03 a.m.

I just saw some website selling tickets for U2 in the same section that I got tickets...but 11 rows behind us...for 650 bucks a piece!!!!

That is insane. I wonder how good our seats are? Section 115, row 15?

Will find out tomorrow!

Productive day...and some good stuff...
Tuesday, May 17, 2005 10:37 p.m.

Ok...the Everybody Loves Raymond finale was quite good. I can't believe that I am hooked on this show just when it ends...and dang...Patricia Heaton is hot!

Cleaned out a closet today...which was awful since the paint was all chipped and I breathed in so much dust that my lungs hurt...ugh...not a good idea. I covered up my mouth with a rag...but still...ow.

Wrote a bunch of spec stuff today. Wrote to New School, Marvel and Time Warner (which is really DC Comics...but a bunch of other stuff too)...in any case...who knows if I will hear anything from anyone...ever...but I have to keep trying...just keep plowing along until something hits.

AND...the CD art proofs came in today...and they look great. Yvette actually called to say how impressed she was... well...I really hope everything comes together in time for the CD release. Start working out, rehearsing, maybe a few open mics...and get the CD in hand...and then we are good to go...Once I send the proofs in...it should take about two weeks. I'm expecting stuff to arrive the first week of June...wow...that's soon!

AND...Lynn told me that she is starting up on her Asian American magazine...and I'm writing an article for it! Need to get it done soon... I'm thinking about this one thing about my trip in China... need to get the specs on it and then I can get it underway...but I may start on it tonight...just for the heck of it. Oh...and it seems like they are going to publish "Pusan to Seoul"...a very personal poem I wrote about E...about the divide in culture...more on this later...*sniff*

Made dinner for Mom, Chris, and Justin...U2 tomorrow!

Dug out some old family photos... Chris and Nina... hahah what ugly-cute kids!

Got a lot done today...I'm beat.

And for posterity's sake, the NIN setlist from last night: pinion (now you know where I got that from!), you know what you are?, sin, march of the pigs, the line begins to blur, piggy, terrible lie, burn(!!!), closer, the big come down, with teeth, the day the world went away, even deeper, no, you don't, suck, gave up, hurt, the hand that feeds, wish, head like a hole. WOOOOO!

NIN!!!
Tuesday, May 17, 2005 12:32 a.m.

Wrote a whole bunch of schools last night. Wrote to SJU again, York College, and my aunt's old professor at Yeshiva U... I'm really hoping that something hits...and soon.

Just when I think I'm all out of cash...I get my tax return today...whew! Will last me until the end of the month. Also went to the post office and sent PIANOS a demo CD...my biggest fear is that they don't want me to play...ack.

Glad that Tom won Survivor...but man... Steph should get something ...come on.. Katie was such a weak player... everyone just wrote her off basically...

Met up with Ciara at Le Zie... so weird to finally meet after all this time...she's cute and soft spoken...but she wore a dress and bought shoes...even though we were going to see NIN...hmm..

Had a light dinner and talked a bit... then went to Hammerstein...tried to get her asthma medicine filled ...but nothing was open...so it gave me a little cause for concern... lots of people smoking inside Hammerstein...but she managed.

Dresden Dolls were very theatrical...but we only caught a few songs... glad we got there late. Ended up on the side and stayed there for the night...weird mix of people. Frat boys, metalheads, goth girls, old guys....very odd.

NIN took the stage and were just AWESOME. Trent Reznor is a great front man. I'll post the setlist when it gets updated at fan sites...but the highlights for me were definitely "Sin", "Burn" and "The Hand that Feeds", and of course "Head Like a Hole"...most of the stuff from "With Teeth" was pretty friggin' awesome...and it was cool to see Jeordie White playing bass... and DNAG...Trent Reznor must have been pumping iron...he looked HUGE.

Ciara...she's cool and we have lots in common. Pretty cute too.. a little quirky...but definitely someone I'd want to be friends with. I get butterflies when I'm with V though...maybe I just have a really bad crush on her... unrequited, of course.

Anyhooo...pretty much it. Need to do lots of errands tomorrow. More job hunting...etc.

French, homo, and hippie.
Sunday, May 15, 2005 07:07 p.m.

So, we went to some place called Frenchtown...which wasn't really French-ish...but it was quaint and a little out of the way. Crossed a little bridge over the Delaware River ...saw a BIG turtle on the riverbed, on a fallen tree...lots of little shops and a cafe where we got free cake for being...I dunno...Chinese?

After that we went to New Hope...which was a hippie/homo paradise...lots of stores...this cool Medieval shop with random stuff ranging from the Wiccan to the ubergeeky... there was a hot goth girl with a top hat and fishnets though...hahah.

Got a cool Godfather t-shirt...really random...drove through the country and ended up with something like that. Played lots of Nintendo DS...Wario Touched is ridiculously fun. Just nuts. I can't even explain it...

Learned that my mom really likes stained glass things, tacky earrings, reggae music, and is just friendly and loud.

I love the way she interacts with my aunts...they are so cute together... Justin is getting to the stage where he is a whiny teenager that is railing against nothing in particular...it gets really annoying fast...but I still love him no matter what... even if I want to spank him sometimes. Is he too old to get spanked?

Alex's guinea pig, Henrietta...so cute. But seems so depressed since Fiona died. I guess guinea pigs really are social animals...I've taken such a liking to animals lately...I really wish I could get a pet. One day...when I get married/engaged...I'll get something...a puppy or guinea pig ..or a bunny. Poor Henrietta!

Still here until after dinner... NIN with Ciara tomorrow? Home soon...I miss my bed.

Incident...
Saturday, May 14, 2005 12:59 p.m.

Ok...I think this is just Justin being overly sensitive... we went to the rec center at Alex's place and the guard told Justin that we can't play unless we were residents here...she said she was enforcing the rules and whatever and was courteous to me...but before I got there apparently she was rude to Justin and he didn't tell me until we got home when he got really upset. Now, what can I do? It's over and done with and I can't go back and say anything because I didn't know what had happened before. In whatever the situation...I will always be there for my little brother...but he needs to tell me...

She was just a small time security person "doing her job" and she didn't know if we were trespassing or not...I know the type when they are trying to throw around more power and deflect blame whatever...had I known she was rude...I would have said something...anyways...I think my aunt went over to complain about the rules or something...

Needless to say...I'm in Jersey at the moment...anyways...some stuff going on...

Lots of laundry and plans with Ciara...supposed to see NIN together on Monday...and then her bday party over the weekend...

Need to get some work done also... lots of fun stuff planned...but still need to get a job.

long day...and PIANOS news
Thursday, May 12, 2005 10:09 p.m.

did a lot of walking today...went to Justin's school to pick him up...took about 30 mins. just to walk there...and then went to city to drop him off at his acting class.

Spent a few hours reading comics...read the "30 Days of Night" TPBS...first one didn't get me ...but as the story built up...whooo...can't wait to see the movie(s)...

Picked up the Appleseed SE dvd for only 15 bucks after I used my Suncoast coupon...awesome!

Dad is leaving for Taiwan again...so went home for dinner...he said that for "our people" it is a tradition to eat dumplings before a long trip...and noodles when you get back...hmmm...this is the first I heard of it...oh well.

Home and checked the site...yup...I'm officially on the bill at PIANOS for June 20th. Check it out here. Still don't know what time my set will be...will you still come if I am on at 11?

Might go to Jersey for the weekend...still have lots of stuff to do...and need to see the Survivor finale on Sunday...I hope it's Tom or Ian...but man...it should have been Steph!

Let's go Yankees, let's go!
Wednesday, May 11, 2005 10:13 p.m.

Got up early again...well early for me is at 10... anyhooo...got showered and off to meet Grace.

Took the train in to Yankees Stadium for the game. Yanks vs. Mariners (meaning Ichiro) and wow...what a crazy game! It was 5-5 by the top of the 2nd...that's just insane.

Around the 3rd inning we went to meet Grace's friend, Anna and ran into three guys that were leaving...TOTAL UPGRADE...they gave us their 4th row-behind first base line seats...ridiculous! It was AWESOME. I've never been to a game THAT close...and for my first Yankees game...it was amazing.

Lots of home runs and hits...meaning the pitching was a bit off...but it made for an exciting game...I got some good pics and we were all a bit tipsy since we had these huge 20 oz. beers...I had three. UGH! Final score: 9-13... YANKS WIN! Thanks for getting the tickets (and all the beer), Grace. AND...I'm still gonna hug you, no matter what! :P

I definitely would want to go again...watching baseball on tv and live is completely different. Home to watch LOST and Revelations...oh mna...poor Kate...she is sooo cute. She totally grew on me.

feeling kinda pukey and really tired...it's only like 1030 and I want to go to sleep already...ugh...at least my finger isn't swollen anymore.

And oh yeah... the studio got my CD materials and will be working on it soon. AND...Anime Insider gave me some great feedback...good stuff and no rewrites! Hope to get more assignments soon!

MUST run some errands tomorrow and take Justin to his acting class.

Nina's graduation
Tuesday, May 10, 2005 10:04 p.m.

Got up early...meaning, like 9 AM. :P Got up and dressed and Chris and Kel and I went to MSG to meet my mom and aunt for Nina's graduation ceremony.

NYU CAS...all purple and ready for the world. Some ok speeches, some terible ones, and 1,300 students getting 2 seconds of recognition when their names were read.

A lot of 9/11 mentions because the class of 2005 were freshmen for a few weeks when it happened. Makes me think about that day and how I scrambled to call friends and family...and Nina because I knew she was downtown.

I'm so proud of her and I really hope that she does well in what she wants to do. She's off to NC for an internship soon...I just hope she drives safely.

Went to Flushing to pick up my Mom's car which had me in "head-down-panic-mode" I still can't go to Flushing without freaking out a bit...in any case...we took the car and went to Cheesecake Factory for a late lunch...that was Chris' treat...and then came home.

My middle finger is swollen. I got a tiny cut from a box and I think it might be infected. Lots of antibiotic cream and some ice...and I hope it will help.

Finished up the Anime Insider articles and sent them in. I hope I don't have extensive rewrites on them...and that I will get some more stuff assigned to me soon. Even a little bit of money helps.

Yankees game with Grace tomorrow! Should be fun.

Off to the presses!
Monday, May 9, 2005 11:36 p.m.

Just flat-out gorgeous weather today...went to the bank and to the post office. I sealed the envelope and sent it to Oasis..."lo-fi is chic." is officially off to press. I should getit back by June 1st...I cannot wait to see the finished product! Just to have it done...wow.

Anyhoo... ran some errands and got some exercise. Home and working on anime articles. Man, I hope I can finish them by tomorrow night so I can get them in early. I hope I won't have to do any rewrites. ACK...I want to do a good job on these.

Nina's graduation tomorrow...

Happy Momma's Day.
Monday, May 9, 2005 12:13 a.m.

Pretty laid back weekend for the most part. Spent it with the family. Saturday: Went to have brunch with the folks then picked up Justin and went to Costco, Wal-Mart, and Lord & Taylor.

Went clothes shopping with my Mom because she needed something to wear for a wedding on Sunday. I think she was sad that my dad can be such an ass and that she has to rely on her sons for certain things.

I have a suspicion that my mom was one of those types that fell for a "jerky" guy...and maybe this is the result of it. When people are selfish and don't honor their spouse above themselves... but who knows their real story? I can only speculate...just be forewarned that this kind of thing happens all the time.

Sunday: Family came over...watched "Signs" with Nina and then the kids and aunts and uncles came over for Popeye's and pizza... it was Faturday...even if Eric wasn't around. All the mommas had a happy Momma's Day...mine came back after the wedding...only got to see her briefly. I love my Momma!

AND..finished up the paperwork for the CD...it's all packaged and ready to go out tomorrow! Can't wait to send it out...so it can get back to me ASAP! Must get to the post office....

Still need to get to finishing up the anime articles... need to get that out by Tuesday night.. Been watching Gungrave..... just awesome. Need to get the rest of it...meaning...I need to get a job and soon!

Another week...lots of stuff going on...and then the week after...whooo.

feeling ugh...and free feels?
Saturday, May 7, 2005 01:38 a.m.

Wow...what a hectic day...it all just went by in a blur...lots of activity.

First off...I was up until 4 watching anime...again. But I got up late and had to rush out to go to the job fair at MSG. I got there at 1:45 and was out by 2:30...it was basically a waste of time. For "Asian Diversity"...there sure were a lot of financial and tech companies...and basically no publishing opportunities. I did talk to some school in Penn, the NY DOE (which wasn't helpful), and a few others...but the only company that showed any interest was...KAPLAN.

I'm averse to working for them because of two reasons: 1. It's ed. publishing AGAIN and 2. E works at SCORE which is a Kaplan company...which might mean I may see her at some company event or something...ugh. UGH!

Anyways...after the job fair I went to Midtown Comics and Starbucks and read some comics and more of "Middlesex"...almost done and it is pretty great.

Then after a few hours met up with Eunice and we wandered around for a bit and ended up in St. Mark's...where we eventually wound up at BBQs...which was a bad idea because I always, ALWAYS get an upset stomach afterwards...and yes, I did. Felt pukey...but we did run into someone from Stuy...Adrian! He's married to some Brit/Aussie? woman named Jemma now...and he works in real estate. (and oh yeah, his sister is Scarlett...yup...that one.)

Also saw another Stuy person...this one girl ...Rachel...she was in "Seventeen" or something and her yearbook quote was "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." ...well, she came out of Conde Nast...and she looks the same. I wonder if anyone hates her?

After a queasy dinner...we head to the meatpacking district and meet up with Doris and her crew at Highline. I'm set to puke at this point...but I just stay for like an hour...but don't drink.

Funny thing: at one point I'm talking to Eunice and Doris and Aileen are on my right, just behind me...and I see Eunice look over and turn around...and see Doris being Diana Ross and Aileen being Lil Kim...apparently she got a bra from Taiwan that makes Asian girls look a little more well-endowed...anyways...I just laugh out loud and Aileen was like "you and Doris were grabbing each others boobs at the Erasure concert!" I totally forgot about that...I must have been pretty buzzed. But hey, I've touched Doris' boobs plenty of times. :P (and she's touched mine lots, too.)

Anyhoo...I leave with Eunice because she has an early flight to Mexico with her family for vacation...and she says she is going to drive me...but when we get to the car...the battery is dead. SIGH...everytime she tries to drive me home...something goes wrong.

Well, I'm home...tired...and my stomach is still queasy. At least I don't smell like BBQs anymore.

05-05-05 is ALRIGHT
Friday, May 6, 2005 01:00 a.m.

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Happy Birthday, Doris! I love you lots, lots, lots! See you tomorrow for drinks!

Today actually turned out to be a rather good day for me...lots happened. Let's start with V:

We met up at 4 at the train station and rode into the city. Had a fun conversation on the train and got to 14th Street. Went to Guitar Center briefly to see if I could coax her into playing guitar...but she was shy...so we just browzed really quickly and then went to the park to sit and talk and people watch. She has some really funny stories about her friends and family...which I love. I LOVE stories and people who have lots of them.

So the weather is nice and we are chatting and then she takes her hair out of a ponytail and I almost audibly gasp because I am totally crushing on her and I think she is just gorgeous and cute and I cannot believe we have so much in common even the fact that she swallowed a coin when she was little just like eric did and her mom had to go through her poop just like my dad had to go through eric's and I'm laughing and we are having fun and and...

Well, the giddy little school girl in me is trying to keep cool...but we agree to try to play an open mic together and to hang out sometime later when the kids graduate and she has more time. She's not hungry and not wanting to drink because she has work...so we go to Virgin Megastore to browse.

And then there is this moment when she is listening to music and the hair gets in her eyes just so...and I think my heart is just going to stop because she is so cute at that moment and she doesn't even realize it.

Then she gets a call and has to get back to work in an hour. And my heart sinks a little because I'm worried that she might be blowing me off. But there hasn't been any indication that this is the case...but still. She apologizes and says she feels like an asshole and that she didn't think it was going to be like this...and I agree. HAHAH...No...no need for apologies.

So we head home and she opens up a scrape on her elbow that she got from an inflatable slide at a school function. And I hold her coat and she's wearing this shirt over this skimpy camisole and...eeep. :nosebleed:

Anyhoo...more good convo on the way home and then she tells me her birthday is May 17th...right in the middle of busy season...but hopefully in a few weeks when all the kids are gone...I get to wine and dine her for her birthday and we get to play an open mic.

And I realize that I've been garbling my words all afternoon and that my mouth has been parched the whole time. SIGH. We hug... and hopefully will see her soon.

My mom leaves a voice mail to tell me to buy a lottery ticket because its 050505...so, I humor her and get one...and a Slurpee.

Day was good so far...but then I get home and I get two MAJOR emails:

I get three mini-assignments for Anime Insider and it pays 100 bucks. I'm basically already done with 2 and the last one shouldn't be too bad either. AWESOME! I am part of the anime industry !!!

I get an email from PIANOS (indiehipster/LES spot) and they want me to play on June 20th! I could not believe it...I sent them link to mp3s and in a few days...I'm on the bill. I heard it was hard to play there now...but maybe not...but still. Need to find out the details...and hopefully it will be a good time slot and enough time...so that would be my CD release show!!!

Speaking of which...ordered some "lo-fi is chic." stickers as promo material...and then the CD should go out Monday afternoon...and hopefully back by June 1st!!!

Whew...that's a lot...but man...what an interesting day. Job fair, eunice, and doris' bday tomorrow. Hope this good trend keeps going! Thank You, LORD!

another day...
Thursday, May 5, 2005 12:46 a.m.

Not much going on today...decided to rip all my NIN cds to mp3...cleaned up around the house some more...and just relaxed.

I really need to chill out and just let things come. I can't stress out about this job thing anymore. I've got stuff to do...so I should just go and do it...then sit and wait. Job fair, contact more schools...then just wait.

A little bit of good news V asked me to hang out with her tomorrow...still need to finalize our plans...but I'm assuming we'll meet up sometime tomorrow afternoon or early evening. Just taking it slow and easy...friends are always good, right?

Anyhoo...there is a chance Chris might be moving out soon...I just hope that he waits until I get a new job before that happens...and also got Roseann's wedding invite today...changes on the horizon.

Some good news...
Tuesday, May 3, 2005 11:10 p.m.

Yes...anime has been a constant in my life. Nothing like some Samurai Champloo to lift my spirits. Also picked up the new NIN cd and I love it...lots of aggro stuff...but the new disco beats, Dave Grohl's drumming, and Reznor's falsetto have been pleasant new surprises.

Met up with So Won and she gave me the art for "lo-fi is chic." So...it's that much closer to being done. I'm going to fill out the paper work and get some answers from the company...and then it's off to the presses! I should get the final product back before June, if all goes well.

So Won is busy planning her wedding and just getting things ready for some big changes in her life. It was good to see her...and to get the art finally! it looks really good! And she will investigate trying to find me a job at Nickelodeon...that would be awesome!

Got some supplies for job searching and will be going to some job fair on Friday...it's aimed at young Asians...whatever that means...I just hope there is something that will fit me there. With any luck...some contacts and hopefully a job.

Lucia is moving to NY soon...will be good to have her around again. Grace is doing well and I promised to cook for her. Some bright things inbetween the crap.

Another month...some more hope...and lots of gritting teeth.