oh...happy.
Sunday, January 1, 2006 03:46 p.m.

Well, here's a quick rundown of how I spent NYE this year. Ran into Steve Kao on the train! Man, we should have called each other to hang out while he was in town. He's the same...then ran into this guy Arwin...forgot where we know him from...eh...small world.

Went to Pescatore and had dinner with Doris and her crew. A lot of people and a lot of food. Who was there: Aileen, Peter, Doris, Karl, Alex, Mandy, Jen, Ken, Victor, his girlfriend ...and another table that I can't remember the names of...anyways...after dinner we all went to Jen's pad and had drinks and watched the ball drop.

Things to note: Ken, Jen's bfriend is a really nice guy. I like him a lot. Talked to Peter and Aileen a lot...fun! Might go to UCB with them one of these days...I've always wanted to go...ya'll know how much I love sketch comedy. And Peter works at Marvel's website... so we got to talking...urrrgh! I still want to work there.

Talked to Alex and Mandy ...and apparently Mandy has a lot of single friends and she wants to introduce me to Wedny...which Doris tells me is Mandy's best friend...hmmm. Also talked to this girl Melissa who is married to Pei-Chung (hahahah remember that name from Taiwan? Different though) who was pretty cool.

Met some of Jen's co-workers who were all really nice Jen and Megan (who likes really good music)...Jen is married to Larry who was a nice guy...and also a girl named Yvette and her bfriend David...ahhh Yvette...that name...I hope she is doing ok.

Anyways, had a lot of drinks and some conversation. Jen is probably the coolest "friend of a friend that is now my friend" that I've made (and Gloria)...Jen is just so chill and cool and Ken is a great guy too. I'm glad Doris shares her friends! Oh...and since Victor has a girl now, Jen says I am at the top of her list...so, we'll see if she can hook me up. Met up with Chris in the train and got home at 5...tired and drunk!

Was a little sad that I didn't get to see Eunice...but ah, well. That's what happens.

So, adding to the potential out there... Doris said that she thought 2006 would be my year...and I'm hoping she is right. New job, new outlook, leaving the past behind...I want to have the "sitcom year" ...where the star of the show has a sad backstory ...but little exposition. We know what the star went through...but the main point of the sitcom is how the star deals with an exciting and new environment...and all the new people the star meets...and yes, wacky hi-jinks...but in the end...we cheer for the star of our show...and they get the happy they deserve... so "Abe!" the show ...let's see how the ratings are.

Yeah, let's just leave it at that. I've done enough reflecting this year. It's over. Screw it. No more looking over the shoulder at the missed opportunites...kiss it all goodbye and just move on. There is a grand design...just have to discern what it is...so, here's to 2006. Lord, bless this year.

Happy New Year...F-U 2005!
Saturday, December 31, 2005 04:27 p.m.

Still not sure what I am doing tonight...but I'm just going to keep it short for now.

Kissing this terrible year goodbye.

Let's hope 2006 is a year of sunshine and goodness for once.

Have a happy. Stay safe.

weird day...
Friday, December 30, 2005 10:01 p.m.

Just really weird. I ended up staying up all night because I couldn't sleep...I had to get up at 830 to watch my grandparents while my aunt went to her doctor. So, I just stayed up and watched Angel...

After my aunt came back around 12...I went to grab some sleep and at 130 my grandma scared the crap outta me when she came over and stuck 20 bucks in my hand...while I was sleeping. I tried to sleep a little more...and barely managed an hour.

Did laundry and washed my sheets again. I've been having my "airplane panic attacks"...which is this weird feeling I have in my back...it's almost like an itch that is hard to pinpoint. I think it's just the fact that I'm realizing the year is finally over...and what a terrible year it is.

The last thing I want to do is reflect. If you want the run down...the crap really starts in April...and continues to ...just about now... just one terrible thing after another...and the year is finally coming to a close.

I'm terrified that 2006 could be even worse...but I'm hoping that there is some balance and that there is some sort of redemption. Lord, we all pray for that.

It looks like I may spend NYE with Doris and her crew...which is made up of a lot of couples... It's either that or being alone at this point. Eunice is going to Tia's shindig and my family left for Jersey to stay with my aunt for the weekend.

So, do I want to be surrounded by couples and be miserable...or do I want to be alone and miserable... I'm trying to keep my chin up...but I'm just tired. I was just incredibly sad today...so much so that I had to choke back tears... it's probably a combination of my lack of sleep and the fact that I'm spending another NYE without having someone to kiss.

So, this time next year...when 2007 rolls around...where will I be? How will I feel? Will I still feel broken? Will I be able to trust people again? I hope I'm healed by then...and I hope I can look back on the year and smile... this year...that's not happening.

I've been through a lot. My friends and family have been through a lot...and in the end...we're still trying to keep it intact and stay sane. I'm praying for healing, redemption, grace, mercy, and in some sense...justice.

It can't be all bad, all the time? It can't all be tears, right?

shiny.
Thursday, December 29, 2005 08:30 p.m.

Oh, man... didn't get to sleep until 6 am...was watching Angel and just wanted to finish season 3...man, good stuff. The best scene was when Angel went to see Wesley in the hospital. Wesley had his throat cut... so he couldn't talk and he had tried to take Angel's baby. Wes also met with Angel's enemy and it looked as if he was going to give the baby to him, because he would have protected a human baby...anyways...Holtz manages to take Connor and gets swallowed to a Hell Dimension. So Angel, loses the only child he would ever have. Angel goes to Wes by his bedside and says "I want you to know that this is Angel speaking...not Angelus. And I want you to know I understand why you did it..." and then he goes berserk!!! "I'LL KILL YOU! YOU STOLE MY SON!" and he smothers Wes! MAN!!!!... awesome stuff... Joss Whedon. You are the man.

More Angel and then I finally got Serenity in the mail... I loved it...but I can totally see why it didn't do well. The movie was for fans of the show...and if you didn't see the show...I can see where you'd get lost. But awesome stuff regardless...lots of loose ends were tied up...and lots of people died... arrrgh!!! so sad.

Just a lazy day at home... I should clean up a little and get ready for work...eeep. Clock is ticking away.

speaking of gifts...
Thursday, December 29, 2005 01:50 a.m.

Oh, man...there's so much cool stuff to get here:

www.thinkgeek.com

I may need to get people stuff from here from now on.

more on the infamous present...
Thursday, December 29, 2005 01:04 a.m.

Ok...I found the item in the Sharper Image online catalogue. Just a few things to note:

They use the word "discreet".
The use of the words "vibrating heads" and "nodes"
And it "fits in a purse or a drawer"

And if there is any doubt...just look at the shape of the thing... ergonomic? phallic? ...you be the judge.

http://www.sharperimagebest.com/km001.html

And finally... the proof from Sex and the City...(sorry about any format issues. here's the link... just scroll down the page to find it: ) Samantha is shown in her bed, getting ready to masturbate with a large vibrator.

Carrie's voiceover: "After a grueling day which included leg, eyebrow and bikini waxes, Samantha decided to reward herself with a night of R&R. Unfortunately, her favorite vibrator needed a little CPR."

Samantha bangs it against the nightstand and then gets angry when it won't work.

Samantha goes to a store to ask about her broken vibrator.

Samantha: "I'd like to return this vibrator."

Store Clerk: "We don't sell vibrators."

Samantha: "Yes you do, I bought this here six months ago." (She holds up the vibrator.)

Clerk: "That's not a vibrator, that's a neck massager."

Samantha: "No, it's a vibrator."

Clerk: "Sharper Image doesn't sell vibrators. It's a neck massager."

Clerk: "What's wrong with it?"

Samantha: "It failed to get me off. It has a warranty and it just stopped. It made the saddest little sound."

Clerk: "Perhaps you wore it out?"

Samantha: "Well, honey, it wouldn't be the first one."

Woman 1 to Woman 2: "I think that actually is a back massager."

Samantha: "Not if you mount it."

Woman 1 holds up another one.

Samantha: "No, absolutely not, that one will burn your thing off."

Brady's vibrating baby chair is broken and Samantha's solution is to put her vibrator in the chair with him and he is happy again.

Miranda comes home and sees it and says: "That had better be brand new."

just toooooo funny!!!

girls, girls, ...girls
Wednesday, December 28, 2005 11:48 p.m.

Yeah...just like Motley Crue.

Went to meet up with Doris at around 630...and stopped by Suncoast and they had an insane sale... 50% off clearance items...and an additional 50% off that. No...it's not 100% off...I'm bad with math...but let's say something was 10 bucks... 50% off is 5 bucks...and then 50% off that is $2.50. Wooo... just cheap stuff.

Got a couple of t-shirts and knickknacks and a Full Metal Alchemist calendar for Justin...and a Lindsay calendar for me. Hey...3 bucks! I'm not gonna say no.

Anyways, dropped by Doris' and she cracked me up with what I call her "sunshine clog" dance...hilarious. I can't even describe it...but it made my day.

And then... Eunice gets to Earl's early! My gosh! 15 minutes. Amazing. So we go to meet her and Gloria...she gets there a bit later. And we get seated...and amuzing hot sauce named "Burn You a New Asshole" or something...funny. And...the waitress was flippin' adorable! So cute. I wanted to hug her and let her slap me.

Anyways, Earl's is kinda frat-ish...but the food was AMAZING. Great burgers...one of the best I ever had in my life! Must go back...but the diet starts next week...arrgh. Dang Aruba.

Anyways, after dinner we end up at Mica bar and have a drink...the girls talk about Laguna Beach which I REFUSE to watch. Why would I want to watch some show about spoiled rich brats that I want to slap? I like my shows...and yes, I do watch some crap...but the stuff I like...I love.

And for the record: Buffy, Angel, Sopranos, Arrested Development, nip /tuck, Veronica Mars, Desperate Housewives, LOST, Scrubs, Mythbusters...those are the big guns...and I'll likely get the Office, Entourage, and My Name is Earl on dvd one of these days.

I just don't like reality shows unless I catch the first episode and it hooks me... oh well, each to his/ her own...but the best thing is watching Gloria talk about stuff. She is just so animated and funny. She's an absolute riot... I love her! She's v. cool in my book. Only thing...she wears the same perfume as S did...ARRRGH! But I found out it's "light blue" from D & G...infuriating. It's not Gloria's fault...heh.

Doris and Eunice are just my butt buddies... I'm just scared that marriage, bfriends/gfriends, and just the pull of the future is going to change things a lot...I don't know what's going to happen this year...but as far as my support group in NYC... my rock is built on these two. *awww.

But I've noticed that I do treat Eunice a little differently. I'm not sure why I have this "delicate flower" mode in my head sometimes. I just want to protect her from the corruption of the world...and then I think...wait...we have been corrupted already! But sometimes when I look at that punim...it's like awwww...she's so cute, like a pretty pony...a swaddled infant... just want to keep her safe. I dunno what I mean...but I guess in general...I treat her differently. I'm a bit rougher with my other friends and there is more punchhugging going on and maybe more sarcasm and verbal jabs...but with Eunice...I dunno...I can't really bring myself to be mean to her. I'm sure she will say differently! HAHAHAHHA!

Yeah, just been thinking about my friends lately...how great they are...and the ones that are hooked up...well, for the majority, I think they got decent guys...but in the back of my mind I'm always thinking they deserve better. :P

As for me...I think I am going to resign myself in the unconditional love of a Yorkie. I just want to be loved and not worry about being betrayed or let down... call me cynical or jaded...I've just been burned too many times and I don't think I'm going to be able to trust anyone for a very, very...very long time.

Anyhoo... I have no qualms about making friends...but other stuff...still very tentative about. All these supposed hook-ups I mentioned...very doubtful any of that will lead to anything...most I can hope for is new friends.

And to quote Queensryche: "I don't believe in looooooove....I never HAVE...I never WIIIIIIIILLL" ...sung in a manly basso AS WELL AS falsetto. Yeah, Geoff Tate!

And my three lovely girls...according to IMDB: Return of the Jedi (1983)... '83!!!!
Ahem...link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086190/

Trust the nerdboy. C'mon!

urggh...too much grog.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005 04:22 p.m.

Spent the day cleaning up, helping Nina move...and then I was off to the city ...just before Eric left for Boston.

The big news: MTV launched this new Chinese-American station called "MTV Chi"...Erik told me about it yesterday...and I thought...man, I need to get in on that. So this morning I get an email from MTV asking me if I had a music video I could send them! I thought Erik had talked to someone for sure...but turns out it was just a huge coincidence...anyways...I DON'T have a music video...anyone out there can make a low budget one for me? Oh...I ended up sending the guy a few copies of the CD anyways...we'll see if anything happens. Anyhoo...dropped off some stuff for Grace, grabbed a few comics, then met up with Eunice and went to meet up with Cindy and her crew. Oh, Eunice got me Doom3: Resurrection of Evil...I just played for 20 mins. it's scary.

Anyways, went to Cindy K and Cathy's apt. and Cindy was there! She's gotten so pretty! Must be all that Brit food! Anyhoo...we went to Meskerem(sp?)for Ethiopian food...and met up with Jen Ng, Diane, her husband, and some of their friends...spent most of the time catching up...talking about the UK and Cindy's wedding plans...I can't believe how weird that is... and what a small world.

Doris knows Diane and Jen through college...and Diane knows Cindy through HS...so all this weird interconnection...anyhoo...afterwards went to Bourgeois Pig for more drinks...and I was getting sloshed.

Doris calls and wants me to go meet up with her since she has the week off...so me and Jen hop in a cab and go to O'Neils and have a bunch more drinks with Livia, Karl, and the D... I was completely hammered...I had ...4 glasses of wine and 3 beers? Gah...

Left at aroun 1 something...almost 2...and I didn't get home until 330...man. First night back in the city and this is what happens!

Anyways, now...going to the city to meet up with Doris, Eunice, and Gloria for dinner... I'll try not to drink too much tonight. heh.

I realize just how much I missed Cindy...her, Doris, and Eunice were my triumvirate. The three people I confided in and hung out with the most...all of them are so different and lovable in their own ways...but with Cindy in the UK now...it's hard. Hard to keep in touch and I can't just pop in and hang out...so it's weird not having her around. But I'm happy for her and she's had an exciting time in the UK...well, some of it. I wish she'd move back and have some kids after she gets hitched...Uncle Abe is a great babysitter.

Heading out to the city now...wooo... to be young, alive, and free...

after Christmas stuff.
Monday, December 26, 2005 08:40 p.m.

This day sure went by fast...got up late and found out that Nina can start moving out today! Moved out about 1/4 of her stuff and then ran some errands.

Did laundry and in the process...picked up a TV in the basement... not sure if it's worth keeping...but hey...it can be a spare tv for dvds and videogames...maybe keep it at my grandparents for my aunt to watch.

Anyways, went to Serena's pad for her party. Derek, Eric, and E(Mui) were there... Erik and Serena were very welcoming hosts...and then Cindy and Andy came... after a bit...R came...and apparently everyone knew there was something going on... anyhoo...at one point we were left alone in the kitchen to talk...and well...I listened a lot?

The ebb and flow of conversation is very important to me. I love talkative girls...all the girls I've dated have been chatterboxes...but more or less there is that essential give and take...it's hard to describe...but that's probably the most important thing for me. Someone who is on the same wavelength and can lead and parry and just carry on a conversation very naturally.

Maybe that's why E and S were..special... I never had a dull moment with them... and we could talk for hours and hours about nothing...and it was natural...and I miss them because I long for that conversation and communication...I can do without the psychobitch aspect though. :P

Anyways, I enjoyed Serena's bearbrick collections and checking out the new place. Erik has a cool sword collection and he seems like a really nice guy. I should hang out with them more often. And Mui...that evil little kid is still cute. I have such a soft spot for kids...

Well, Serena is definitely someone I consider part of my extended family...so I'm thankful that they thought of me...but...think harder! hahahah.

It's simple really...cute, not crazy, creative, and can carry a conversation. The C's of finding someone for the Chang. (Meaning, me.)

So, Eric finished dinner pretty early and picked me up. I was just feeling tired and it didn't seem like things were going to change. I wish I could just hang out/beat on Serena...but I wasn't feeling all that great and I feel like I should spend some quality time with Eric... talk about the wedding and whatnot.

Anyhoo...home now and I'm sleepy again...it's barely 9...and I've only been up since 1...ah well, better make the most of my free week. C'est la vie.

more Christmas...
Sunday, December 25, 2005 11:10 p.m.

Man, went to sleep at 5...woke up at 130...still delirious...more people over. My grandpa's friends came to visit...and Wong Popo...omg...she's 80 and she has the body of a 30 year old...insane.

The kids were over...shelb stopped by...more food, more tv and games...and that's about it...can't believe it was in the 50s and rainy today...so weird.

Called a few friends..Doris was supposed to drop by..but I dunno what happened...and my mom is hooked on Scrubs.

Serena's party tomorrow... what comes before part B? PART AAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! holla.

Merry Christmas.

Merry, Merry
Sunday, December 25, 2005 01:36 a.m.

Christmas 2005. Man, the year is coming to a close and I feel ok. After the worst year of my life...I'm just looking forward to a new start... who knows if 2006 could be better or worse?

Anyways, popped the turducken in at noon and finished season 2 of Angel...good stuff. Cooked a bunch of stuff and waited for the family to show up. Fred, Kelvin, Judy, Jack, and Shelb all showed up also...Eric and Charlotte...man, Eric is just fat and happy...I'm just fat right now. :P Diet goes into effect NOW...must work out! Well, family and kids... lots of food. Good stuff.

I'm exhausted from all the cooking and cleaning. Glad that people took the leftovers. The kids and Nina made graham cracker houses... so there's that to deal with now...

Got some neat stuff...some cash, a great big cushy Trix pillow...and the funniest thing ever... my aunt got me a "dual head personal massager"... all the young people were like...OMG! Basically, my aunt is too naive to realize that stores like the Sharper Image and Brookstone sell "personal massagers" to women who are too ashamed to get an actual...vibrator. Anyways, she told me that she got 4 of them to give to other people...oh man. It was HILARIOUS though.

The kids all loved the stuff they got...they are so spoiled...and the cute fedora thing that I got LuLu...I was worried she wasn't going to like it...but she LOVED it... awesome. I'm just happy that all the kids had a good time and everyone had some good food...sometimes the "more the merrier" is true...

OH...and I forgot...I bought the "invincible" HC for myself! I forgot that I put it on my Christmas want list...eh...I doubt anyone got it for me.

Anyways, more family stuff tomorrow, Serena's party on Monday, and dinner with Cindy on Tuesday...so good stuff coming up in my LAST WEEK OF FREEDOM!

I don't have high hopes for the end of the year...but I just want things to be ok... yeah, I'm trying not to think about being alone so much...I have friends and family and that's more than a lot of people have.

So, God bless us...everyone. Amen.

I'm going to curl up with my Trix pillow and think about anyone I know that might want a "dual head personal massager".

Merry Christmas. Love, love... that's all we can hope for.

new song
Friday, December 23, 2005 09:16 p.m.

Took me about an hour and a half to write this new one...Just came out of nowhere. I was playing some old songs and then I just came up with an old riff I never used and the lyrics just came out...It's a real barnstormer...a rocker...and it's a little sexier than I am used to...you'll have to hear it to understand. Here are the lyrics to...ahem "T & A" (just read the lyrics...sigh.)

I don't need to tell ya
Don't know your design
As long as you got...got that T & A

TENDER loving care
A little bit of AFFECTION
As long as you don't mind going all the way

Going all the way

I'm on pins and needles
The way your eyes do shine
Looking for the right DNA

DON'T waste your time
NOTHING comes from teasing
ALLOW me to show you the way

You the way

Lust or love
What you looking for?
Lust or love
Decide before I close the door

I won't even argue
I won't cross that line
As long as you don't tempt me to go astray

A hopeless romantic
I'm just coy and shy
Or any role you want me to play

Want me to play?

Jeebus...dang...I just realized how sexy the lyrics are...yipes! *blushes.

Oh...and here's "ON FIRE"...wrote this one a couple of weeks ago...it's my Guided By Voices-ish song. Short and sweet and punkpop.

I'm burning through your atmosphere
a spiralling decay
a deadly trajectory
I turn the blue to grey

ON FIRE

what we lose in altitude
we never will reclaim
say a prayer for the perishing
going down in flames
ON FIRE

Icarus I am not jealous of you
ever reaching upwards says the fool
damn your wings if they won't let you fly
a haunted, bitter memory of the sky

other than the new song...woke up early to keep an eye on my grandparents while my aunt went to the doctor...she came home and then I passed out until 2.

Julie Benz...the girl that plays Darla on Angel is just so hot...and I think she's the best actress on the show..but her husband is the voice of the Cryptkeeper and he looks like Bobcat Goldthwait... weird!

Cleaned up, got ready for cooking tomorrow, watched some more Angel and played some music... pretty much it for today...can't wait for tomorrow! Food, folks, presents.. should be fun.

not much
Thursday, December 22, 2005 08:59 p.m.

Not much going on today...just a lazy day mostly. Watched more Angel and ran for about 40 minutes.

Transit strike is over! So starting Monday (most likely) I'll be out and about in the city again...or somewhere. I just need to get away for awhile before I start work.

Anyways, it's only 9 and I'm kinda sleepy already...sigh. I guess I should try to write a little...so I don't feel like a total slacker.

more family stuff
Wednesday, December 21, 2005 11:51 p.m.

non-stop. Got up and took my grandparents to dim sum...then picking up people and dropping off people again...and furniture shopping...

we came this close to getting a new couch for my grandparents...but the couch would never fit in the door way.

more picking up and dropping off...the transit strike has become this huge pain...arrgh. Anyways...came home and made Chris dinner...then I played more Half-Life2 and ...beat it ! One of the best games I ever played...but I kind of wish it was longer.

Also finished wrapping gifts, getting stuff ready for the doormen, and assorted Christmas stuff.

And that girl that Kathy wanted me to meet...well, she wrote me on Friendster...how bold of her!

Oh...and yesterday...my uncle ordered a turducken and it arrived. I was blissed out and came up with a jingle...it's basically "turducken" sung to the tune of the "My Buddy" jingle...I don't know where it came from...but it made me happy. I can't wait to pop that sucker in the oven...and the company he ordered it from spells it "tur-duc-hen"...same diffe...and oh...it has seafood stuffing...man, meat orgy indeed.

anyways...I need to work out. I've gotten chubby lately...arrgh. Makes me mad...

And I really want to go to the city...as soon as the transit strike is over...there's a few people I'd like to see. Meaning...you! Yeah, you know who you are.

another busy day...
Wednesday, December 21, 2005 12:01 a.m.

My mom scared the crap outta me this morning. She came over at like 7...and was standing in the dark and was like "here's money to give the doormen!" ...I had just fallen asleep around 5...so I was just...gah.

Anyways...I tried to go back to sleep to no avail...so I ate breakfast and watched Angel and passed out around 1130...only to have my cell phone wake me up at 1...

Anyways...cleaned up, Half-Life2, and then my mom came over and needed me to run errands...picking up and dropping off family because of the strike, Christmas dinner shopping, and taking care of grandpa stuff...so it was a pretty hectic day..

Yeah...the strike...I'm hoping it is over by Christmas...it would really suck not to see some of my friends that are in town because of this...eh...what can you do.

Keeping it short today...just tired.

thoughts on...wimmins.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005 02:02 a.m.

Ok...something I have been avoiding for awhile...seems like things are brewing...and I'm not sure if anything...or anyone will actually make an impact on my life. Let's just dive in:

My mom has been bugging me about this daughter of her friend...she met her once and she loves her. She's a teacher ...but she lives in Virginia...ack...distance.

Serena's bfriend Erik has a co-worker friend that is into "artsy" guys...supposedly she's never had a real boyfriend and is holding out for Mr. Right...um...and that would be me? Who knows. Serena is having a shindig at her place the Monday after Christmas...and I may need to go to meet this girl. We'll see.

When Gary and Lisa got married...I got paired with Lisa's friend Kathy. Kathy has a live-in boyfriend...but I thought she was cute and we kept in touch. I haven't spoken to her in over a year on IM and now she has "introduced" me to her friend on Friendster. Not sure if we have anything in common...but she says her friend needs to be "meeting people"...hmmm.

Remember that girl I met at Lucia's party? Anyways, she sent a mass mail saying she changed her email address. I replied and said if she wanted to get together and have drinks in the new year...and if she remembered me. Anyways, I also just sent out a mass mail about the new cover song I posted ("Helena" by My Chemical Romance...it's on my music website) and she wrote me back literally within an hour of me posting it...she said I sounded great and wanted to have drinks when she gets back to NY after the holidays. She said she wanted me to "hold her to it" and that she does remember me. whooo.

Laura is supposedly hanging out with her cute publishing friend at the moment...and she is testing the waters to see if she'd be interested...eh....we'll see if anything comes out of that.

Gloria's friend...sigh...supposed to meet her again...the first time we met was kind of disastrous...a lot of my girl friends ended up coming out...and brought their girl friends...so it was like 8 girls and me...so it got uncomfortable for her... but hey, second chances.

And there was Jen's friend that I met at her wedding. GORGEOUS, tall girl...and she broke up with her bfriend and is hiding at the moment...eh...maybe if she gets desperate one day.

And Nicole and Kathleen are supposedly "keeping me in mind" if they come across any single girls.

So yeah...it's a whole lot of nothing at the moment...but come December 2006...let's see if any of this pans out...or none. I could still be single and miserable...who knows.

Dating is daunting and I've become the king of serial dating...honestly, if I can keep a woman from fleeing into the night for six months...I am going ring shopping. For serious.

So, looking back on this terrible year...I hope that 2006 will make up for it...sometimes all it takes is that one thing to turn your life around...I'm tired of being so flippin' unhappy...tired of always nursing a broken heart and just feeling like a stranger instead of who I want to be...I'm sick of myself and I miss the old Abe....hence the ill-advised spending of money at the moment...but I need to be selfish in order to get through this.

So yeah, the Christmas presents this year aren't going to be all that glam...but next year...catch me in a good mood and I'll be supergenerous.

If all goes well with the job, the writing, the music...and hopefully meeting someone... then...well...then maybe I can forget and get on with living a life that is finally worth living again.

busy busy
Monday, December 19, 2005 11:50 p.m.

Another weird morning and a weird dream.. can't really remember any details...but I'm sure there were vampires and/or zombies involved.

Went out to get a hair cut and came back looking clean and neat. Eh...it's overrated. Spent the day cleaning up around the house, doing laundry, reading comics, and playing Half-Life 2...Chris was feeling sick and took the day off. Nina was at Barnes and Noble all day...but when she came back I had a good talk with her about Christianity and ...Brokeback Mountain.

Anyways, feeling unusually sleepy...and I know I shouldn't eat this late...but I want some yogurt or something.

Yeah, life is exciting right now.

Tomorrow...grocery shopping, cleaning, yadda yadda... just want the year to peter out without any incident...let's get this show on the road.

family time
Monday, December 19, 2005 01:34 a.m.

I woke up with a splitting headache and I rushed outside to pick up groceries for my grandparents...I wanted to go back to sleep...but I watched some more Angel...got up had breakfast and played Half-Life 2.

Before I knew it...I was unshowered and killing zombies and aliens... man...that game is addictive.

Then the kids came over and the family swarmed in and we kept our grandparents company. Some Halo, Taiwanese food, editing Grace's essays...and more Hlaf-Life 2.

So, that was pretty much my day. Tomorrow...haircut, Christmas clean-up, and other assorted chores... the clock is ticking and I must work out and get some stuff done before it is back to the grind...days go by.

I AM KONG!
Sunday, December 18, 2005 12:13 a.m.

A packed day...got up a bit late and was out the door. My mom dropped Justin and me off and she went to Jersey. I took Justin around to MC D's, comics, the game store...and finally we went to see King Kong.

Me, I'm just like the gorilla. I'm looking for that ethereally woman that I would rampage the city for...and man, Naomi Watts is just...hot....and angelic. Great stuff...though the beginning was a little slow...but once the action got going...wow! the T-rex fight was just incredible...and the ending...classic...even the cheezy line Jack Black says...now...time for Tenacious D to get back in the game!

And afterwards...Justin played the crane game thingee...and he was 2 for 2! He got me a Bart Simpson and he got a Marge...dang, he's good at those things.

The cutest thing...ever since he was a baby...Justin has always been afraid of loud noises...anytime he sees a movie he has his hands by his ears...still does it today...just adorable.

Home...playing Half-Life 2 and cleaning up...and SNL is actually funny tonight. The Chronic-les of Narnia rapsketch with Parnell and Samberg was flippin' hilarious!

Cleaning up tomorrow, editing the rest of Grace's essays, finalizing Christmas stuff, and more Half-Life 2... hibernation is awesome.

surprises.
Saturday, December 17, 2005 01:54 a.m.

Started the day off feeling kind of crappy...but I ran for almost 40 minutes and lifted a little and the adrenaline kick got me feeling better.

Watched "Crash" finally and it was pretty good...not as good as I thought it would be...too much hype...but it was still pretty decent.

Then...I got my first Christmas present of the year! Grace got me "World's Greatest Superheroes" !!! And it is just gorgeous... I ordered her present a few days ago...not sure when it is going to arrive...I may have to send it to her or drop it off since she is holing up until she finishes her business school apps.

Then my mom stopped by and told me that Justin wanted to go out and eat. So we picked him up from Flushing and went to Georgia Diner for food... then Best Buy where he got some Dragon Ball Z game...and I couldn't resist getting Half-Life 2...I came home and played for almost 3 hours! It's just a stunning game...the environments and the clever puzzles really make it awesome...I'm on the Water Hazard stage right now...and I hear it gets better when I get the gravity gun...oooh...

And I saw the Doom3:Resurrection of Evil...man, I hope someone gets me that...I didn't even know it was out on Xbox...I'm not big on videogames usually...but FPS games and games like Bufffy (I finished it today...wooo!) and X-men Legends II (I should add that to my list too...) are fun.

Other than that...taking Justin to see King Kong tomorrow morning...just going to enjoy my last 2 weeks or so of freedom...then I'm ready to get paid and have a life again.

Some more bad news...one of my friends who is only a few years older...she filed for divorce. And Romana got food poisoning and had to be rushed to the emergency room. So, she's going to be avoiding Vietnamese hoagies for awhile...and even though she was puking her guts out...I kinda wanted to get one today. I know...I'm sick.

So, I've got games to play, I've got dvds to watch, and I've got comics to read...and I have Grace's essays to edit...and I have music stuff that I am working on...so I've got plenty to keep my mind off of things until the year ends... I just want to hide from...well, girls....for a bit...but soon, I'm telling you...it's gonna happen one day...

Adventures in Babysitting and weird dreams
Thursday, December 15, 2005 07:11 p.m.

Last night I was watching an old 80's favorite...Adventures in Babysitting! I had no idea how many stars were in that. Bradlye Whitford was the scumbag boyfriend, Penelope Ann Miller was Brenda, Vincent D'onofrio was Dawson/Thor, and the biggest surprise...Anthony Rapp (the redhead RENT guy) was Daryl the annoying friend!

Anyways...watching that and Blade movies gave me a weird dream about living in some weird treehouse and being late for high school...running around and trying to get my program changed and whatever...and Lisa Wang was in my dream holding onto some tall blonde guy's arm. She looked sad and kinda pouty...very odd.

Was very productive today. Ran for a little over half an hour, lifted, and recorded stuff for two songs! I did a really fast and dirty recording of MCR's "Helena"...going to mix it down and post it tomorrow sometime.

trying to keep busy in my last days before work...and trying to keep my mind off things...sigh.

grandpa is doing well...just keep an eye on him and make sure he exercises and eats...

Working out tomorrow and maybe trying to write a little later... just would like to get on a regular sleep schedule...that would be nice.

some good things...
Wednesday, December 14, 2005 10:17 p.m.

My grandfather is finally home...and well, he seems different. I just hope that he gets back to normal. I'm so glad that he is out of the hospital and I just hope he gets better and better. It's a huge weight off my shoulders that he is finally free from that place...let's just hope this is the end of all of that craziness.

Other than that...cleaning up, working out, trying to stay warm and keep positive. This year is finally wrapping up and I'm hopeful that things will get better.

Went to the hospital with Justin and my mom...and my aunt just packed everything up and we got back. wow...it's been a trying time for everyone.

Finished Roswell last night...and man, it was a pretty decent ending...lots of loose ends wrapped up nicely.

Next tv series I get to watch...most likely Angel.

Ok...getting officially pudgy. Enough with the weights...I need to hit the cardio for real...so starting tomorrow...I hope to get a lot in before I have to start work. Arrrgh...I can't believe how far I let myself go in a few weeks...dang holiday season.

like a bag of sand...
Tuesday, December 13, 2005 09:37 p.m.

What a long day. I cooked for grandma and went to Best Buy to get Christmas presents...I'm almost done...just a few more things to get...but man, it was tiring.

Came home and watched "40 Year Old Virgin"...it was ok...it wasn't as funny as I thought it would be...but man, the geek stuff. I feel ya. If I had a good woman in my life...I'd sell all of my crap...all the dvds and cds and comics...whooosh...gone. But for now...I'm ready to spoil myself once work starts up.

Almost done with the Anime Insider article...they sent me a screener disc to watch Saiyuki...and I have to send it back! Crap...

IMed with an old friend of mine and just recounting all the crap I went through this year...it just made me sad. So I tried to record a little and ended up busting a string...crap.

Just not feeling much of anything these days...I doubt I want to spend New Year's out this year...like I said, I just want to hibernate and not see anyone when the time comes around...but, who knows...maybe something will come up.

Hoping my grandpa comes home in the next day or two...and if the MTA hasn't gone on strike...maybe I'll go to the city for a bit.

What's wrong with me? Lonely and antisocial...gah...jsut make up your mind already!

busy, busy.
Monday, December 12, 2005 10:28 p.m.

It's been getting hectic. But the grandparents place looks great. It's ready for when my grandpa comes back. More cooking for grandma, more cleaning, and then actual work!

Edited 3 of Grace's business school essays, got the outline for my next Anime Insider piece and started on that. Then, went to get some groceries and ate really fattening food at home.

I'm pretty sleepy already but I need to get some stuff done in terms of writing...and I'm watching the fischerspooner documentary and it is pretty fascinating. Art school nerds turn into these indie darlings...and I dig the cds. yeah... sounds good, looks good, feels good too.

And Eric and Charlotte have set the date for their wedding...and it happens to be E's bday...man, I'm never going to forget that date...but I hope that now it takes on a new meaning.

In any case, I'm sick of being sad and depressed...I've graduated to ambivalenxe right now.

what I want for Christmas.
Monday, December 12, 2005 12:19 a.m.

Ok...so here it is. I'm going to get these either way (I'm gonna go on a shopping spree when I start work in January):

the default: best buy gift card.

the reach: ipod video (yeah, right.) or a yorkie.

and the possible: Everybody Loves Raymond Season 5
nip / tuck Season 2
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Season 4
Jackass box set (shuddup. you love it.)
Invincible (Hardcover) Ultimate Edition by Robert Kirkman
"The World's Greatest Superheroes" (Hardcover) by Alex Ross and Paul Dini
The Historian (Hardcover) by Elizabeth Kostova

the improbable/impossible: a cute girl who isn't crazy and is willing to stick around so I can put a flippin' ring on her finger.

Or seriously, I mean it: if you donate to a charity in my name...that would be really great. I'm going to be dishing out some dough as soon as I get me a steady paycheck.

Anyways, that's all I can think of now...I'm sure I've got other cds, dvds, comics, books, wishes for world peace that I'd like.

I am a cleaning machine.
Monday, December 12, 2005 12:10 a.m.

That's basically what I did all day. My hands are cracked and bleeding and I'm pretty flippin' exhausted. But my grandparents' apartment is ready. So whenever the doctors let my grandpa come home...he'll be surprised to see how much cleaner the place is. We just threw out so much crap...and my mom is still cleaning up the little things right now. It's getting close.

I'm still thinking about how this year is ending...and I'm ready to fully admit that I was just a big loser this year...and I'm ready to just face the last few weeks in much the same manner. I just couldn't do anything right this year...I failed and I failed and I failed some more. And that is perfectly okay.

Starting January...I'll have a new job and hopefully a new outlook on life. I'm ready to just throw myself into the work and not worry about the other areas of my life...I can't ...it's much too painful to look back on all the tragedy and hurt in 2005....aka...the worst year of my life.

I can only pray that things get better. I'm tired of being defeated...I'm looking for a change.

roswell and all's well
Saturday, December 10, 2005 11:46 p.m.

Past two days have just been a flurry of cleaning. Me and my mom are doing a major overhaul of my grandparents apartment...trying to make it safer for my grandfather to get around when he gets back.

I obviously get my OCD tendencies from my grandma...she "collects" things... which is actually...she just loves packaging. She saves cups and containers and wrappers from anything she thinks is pretty or interesting...which amounts to a lot of junk being all over the place. Spent hours just throwing away empty wrappers and boxes... pretty funny looking at the stuff she keeps. Wartime mentality...where people used to save tinfoil and stuff like that...I'm assuming that's where she learned this habit.

And after cleaning up there...had to come back and clean up here after the kids got through with the place...and Justin and Chris got into a fight or something...but he was ok after awhile...I wonder what that was all about?

Other than that...I finished Season 2 of "Roswell"...and it got a lot better. I like the action/sci-fi aspects of it...the love story stuff...ugh...that and the fact that Shiri Appleby really reminds me of E...her mannerisms and the whole doe-eyed thing... ack.

One of the things I love is that "Roswell" ties into a lot of my favorite shows. William Sadler was on "Wonderfalls"...and Emilie de Ravin is on "Lost"...also the guest FBI agent played Wallace's mom on "Veronica Mars" and Terry O' Quinn guest stars in season 3 of "Roswell"...man, I watch too much tv.

I'm just going to relegate myself to the fact that I may never find someone to really get me over the things I've been through these past few years. At this point in my life, I feel like my heart is beyond repair and that my ability to trust or let anyone in...is really gone. I wish I could go back in time and just change things, but I can't...and this is my lot in life. I mean, if I'm meant to be alone and just bitter...well, I guess that's the way it is going to have to be until someone makes me see differently.

So as the holidays roll around, I know it's going to be hard to keep a happy face...I love the kids and my family...but I have to wonder. I'm tired of being let down...so maybe I just won't allow myself to be put in that position again.

I took my dad to the airport yesterday...and my mom jokes that he has another familyt... but now...I'm really wondering about certain things. My mom showed me that my dad was taking a bottle of Viagra...and my dad said he was giving it to his friend...and then he is staying with his friend in Shanghai...and my mom says that he's staying with that particular friend and not another because he isn't married...and my dad was just acting a little weird...plus the fact that he is going to miss the holidays ...it's just weird. sigh...I dunno.

Need to get a lot of Christmas shopping done. I'm just concentrating on getting the kids stuff... ugh...more stress. I just want this year to be over...clean slate tabla rasa. Let's get it going.

Misery loves company? Heck...I could use some company.

not much
Thursday, December 8, 2005 07:59 p.m.

Not much going on today. Same old same old really... just trying to keep busy. Sealed up my windows so I won't freeze at night.

Worked out, watched tv, cooked for grandma. Chris was offered the head of his group...so that's some good news.

Got a new assignment for Anime Insider...hoping I get my first free screener disc...eh...may need to write this blind...we'll see.

Feeling tired and uninspired. Not sure when that's going to change...oh, well.

depeche mode / bravery
Thursday, December 8, 2005 01:09 a.m.

What a day. Was up at 1130 and my mom picked up my grandma and me. We went to BK/Popeye's and ate ...then went to visit my grandfather. Dropped off my grandma and went to Costco to get some stuff...including the complete Angel collection!

Picked up my grandma..r.aced home...cooked her dinner and then I was off to see depeche mode / bravery.

Eunice actually got there before I did...this might be a first! The Bravery sounded great...they played most of their album and closed with the three best songs..."an honest mistake" has to be one of my fave songs this year.

And soon after...it was depeche mode! My fourth concert was awesome...new stuff sounded great ...though I wished they played "lillian"...anyways...I hear the setlist doesn't change much...so here it is:

A Pain That I'm Used To, John The Revelator, A Question Of Time, Policy Of Truth, Precious, Walking In My Shoes, Suffer Well, Damaged People,Home, I Want It All, The Sinner In Me, I Feel You, Behind The Wheel,World In My Eyes, Personal Jesus, Enjoy The Silence

Somebody, Just Can't Get Enough, Everything Counts

Never Let Me Down Again, Goodnight Lovers

Dave Gahan sounded amazing...must be because he's been laying off the heroin and doing yoga. I was a little disappointed that they didn't do more songs off "Ultra" there are some songs on there that are just amazing...and the Martin Gore new stuff is ugh.

Funny thing was...these beefy frat guy types were dancing and whooting it up...and I thought they were gay because if you are straihgt...you do not dance behind your guy friend! And I think I saw one of the guys mimic "doing" his friend...and there was a lot of manhugging.

Eunice thought they were just Greek.

Anyways...it was a good day. I'm trying to enjoy the little things...I got a lovely big ass blue neon cup. It makes me happy. And Eunice...one of my bestest (and weirdest) friends...it was a good night.

And there is a chance my grandpa will be released tomorrow...but they still need someplace for him to do rehab...still working on that.

Anyways, hoping things get better and better.

cold
Tuesday, December 6, 2005 08:34 p.m.

Was up until 6 in the morning finishing Veronica Mars...just a great series...the mystery was really well played out...and it took me by surprise. But then again, I was watching it at 6 in the morning.

Anyways, up at 11 to get food for my grandma...and then just putzed around doing the routine. I got to run for a little over half an hour...which is good...I'll be back up to an hour any day now.

Watching Roswell season 2 now...and already it's much better than the first season...the characters are all established...so let's get to the alien business!

Nina is making beef stew...and you know those spice pouches in cheesecloth...well, she cut the pouch and poured the spices in...so it is waaaay too strong...but I think it will be ok.

Still waiting to hear when my grandfather can leave the hospital...a lot of things need to come into play before he can come home...but before Christmas would be ideal.

Feeling sleepy already...but DM concert tomorrow...and it will be nice to get out of the house.

Eh...another day. I'm still alive. Keep on truckin'

we used to be friends...
Tuesday, December 6, 2005 12:31 a.m.

Oh man, slept in a little too late and I rushed over to warm up some food for my grandma... my insomnia hasn't gotten any better...but I have to be up by 11...so no slacker up at 3 thing.

Anyways, I spent most of the day playing Wolfenstein and just about 20 minutes ago...I beat it! The last boss was so easy...the rest of the game was much more difficult...really weird.

And Veronica Mars...I can see the soap operaness of it...but man, I am hooked! I can't stop watching and I hope I can get in on the 2nd season after I finish season 1.

And the good news...well, sort of...my grandfather won't be going back to the nursing home. Our family doesn't trust them...the medication problem is just too risky...so when he is discharged from the hospital...he'll be coming home. As long as we can get a home care person ready to go...then things will be fine. It will be a huge relief for everyone...so I'm hoping this happens in the next few days.

I did feel bad...my mom asked me to spend the night at the hospital...and there was no way I could do it. I can't go through that again. I just could not bring myself to be there by myself with my insomnia...and just being up and listening to people in pain...there was no way I could do it.

Anyways...I'm hoping things will work out for the best soon and my grandfather will be back in no time...please pray with me for this.

Other things...Serena is cooking up something...her bfriend's coworker...apparently is looking for an "intellectual guy"...and yeah, it doesn't seem like it on the blog...but I am smart. S-M-R-T!

Looks like Eunice is going to bravery/DM with me on Wednesday... my rock. What would I do without her? It should be fun.

I must get writing...I must aim for 10 pages this week. Can I do it? Eh... I'm not in the mood today...but we'll try for tomorrow. I ran for 30 mins. so...that was a plus...and I had yogurt and nuts for dinner...so, I guess I should pat myself on the back? Eh...baby steps.

minor scare.
Sunday, December 4, 2005 10:40 p.m.

Man, my uncle scared the crap out of me. He woke me up saying my grandfather was rushed to the emergency room...that he was spitting up blood and that it might be his kidneys.

In any case, it wasn't until Kelvin and Nina picked me and Chris up that we got the real story.

My mom and aunt were at the emergency room and explained. The combination of aspirin, blood thinner, and some other meds, and not eating enough green vegetables... made a simple act like brushing his teeth really dangerous. Profusely bleeding gums...but they got it to stop. But his mouth was all bloody when I went to see him and he seemed out of it... which really bothered me...I just want him to be ok.

At least they will get the urologist to take out his catheter and they will have a talk with the doc at the nursing home.

The new doctor at LIJ was kind of snarky...he'd be a real life "Scrub"...and our family came out in force...lots of us.

Afterwards, Chris, Nina, Kelvin, and I took Alex to look at puppies...we went to Barkingham Palace and played with this really cute black toy poodle, and then went to North Shore Animal League...but the dogs there were so loud...a couple of cute ones...and oh, got to finally meet Toby...she's so cute. But Yorkies are better. :P

And for some reason...my mom wants to set me up with some girl, Serena and Ming also...etc...but honestly...I'm not sure when and if I'll be ready for that.

Anyways, loving Veronica Mars right now...Kristen Bell is just insanely cute and talented...and I finally beat the boss at the second to last level of Wolfenstein....wooo.

Just feeling tired and frustrated... I just want things to get better on a whole...these little things...whether good or bad...are just gnawing away at me. I'm just numbing myself for now...trying to not think so much...but man, there's a lot to think about.

Praying about this...and just trying to be of use.

I could really use a puppy now.

here comes the snow.
Sunday, December 4, 2005 12:30 a.m.

It's supposed to snow any minute now...just waiting for it.

Weird day...was supposed to hang out with my Net buddy Christina, but she had a bad migraine so it was no go... ended up going to see my grandfather for just a little while then went to Harvest Buffet with Justin...he's still so cute...he thinks he might marry his first girlfriend.

Anyways... ate our fill went to Blockbuster and got Blade 3 for only 5 bucks... now I have to watch Blade 2...crap. And my folks dropped Justin off with Philip and Patricia so they could see HP.

Went home...recorded a little, played some Wolfenstein, and cleaned up some more. No working out today...too full...ugh.

Serena's bfriend says he might have a girl for me... eh...we'll see. I'm still skeptical about all of this...maybe I should just resign myself to the fact that I'm not going to meet anyone for a long time. I'm going to give myself the winter off...and just lay low... work out...get ready for the spring.

Not sure if Grace can make the DM concert on Wednesday...anyone else want to go with me?

Waiting for the snow...it could be flurries or it could be up to 6 inches by Tuesday...oh, boy.

Can you find all 75 band references?:

http://www.chinternet.co.uk/75bands.jpg

more of the same.
Friday, December 2, 2005 11:04 p.m.

Cooked for grandma, cleaned up around the apartment, ran a little, watched Family Guy, more cleaning, and that was my day.

Just a little over a month left before I go back to work...so starting next week, I must...I MUST try to be superproductive. I need to really clean up the apartment and get ready for Nina's move...I need to write, record, work out...and I need to just make myself better.

I want to say that my days of moping around are over...but I can't ...this past week was just tough...and I hope I can really start to put the past behind me and just move on.

I'm tired of feeling left behind.

TGIF.

Hello, December.
Thursday, December 1, 2005 10:24 p.m.

Sigh...guess my "November theory" didn't really work out too well. I've archived another stressful month filled with hardship.

Not much going on... I finished up nip / tuck and I have to say it's a great show. I'm hooked. When I start working, I'm gonna pick up season 2.

My dvd binge has arrived. I have plenty to keep me busy. I really need to get back on the hardcore workout schedule again...I've been eating way too much lately...so I've got to kick it into gear this month. Someone please push me.

Tried to record a little today...kinda half-hearted about it...oh, well.

I can't say I'm leaps and bounds better...but I'm trying to appreciate the little things. Watching really good stories inspires me...I want to be able to write next week. I want to get at least 10 more pages before I start work.

Castle Wolfenstein is kicking my arse...it is frigging hard! Harder than Halo and Doom 3...dang checkpoints.

Pretty much all... glad that November is done. I'm hoping this year ends with a whimper....just want to stay under the radar...I'm not even hoping for good stuff...I just don't want any more bad stuff coming my way. Lord, help us.