nip / tuck
Wednesday, November 30, 2005 10:03 p.m.

Not much going on. I spent most of last night and today watching nip / tuck Season 1. It's a really good show and I got it super cheap. Makes me want to get some plastic surgery myself.

Ran for a bit, cleaned up majorly, took care of grandma and went to visit grandpa for a few hours.

I've just been feeling really overwhelmed lately...and I think I may need to go into therapy for a bit once my health benefits come through. So, it might not be until Feb or March...but we'll see how I am then.

I talked to Doris a bit before...and she's been through a lot these past few years too...but things seem to be going well for her nowadays...but she knows where I am coming from. It really does take time...but living in the moment...it's just so difficult...when I look back and see all the awful things I went through this year...I just don't know if I can manage...and when I look ahead...I see a job that could potentially be awful...in a field I was trying to get away from...and then, really that's all I can imagine at this point.

At this point in time in my life...I just feel overwhelmed with hurt, frustration, humiliation, and failure. And I know that every pain that I go through...God is going through the same...and I know He know how much I hurt...and I'm just hoping that it ends soon. I want the denouement. I want the curtain.

I'm not going to try to be positive anymore...I'm just going to deal. Day to day...moment to moment...I'm just going to let what will be ...wash over me...and see how I handle the wreckage... I'm hoping one day...there will be some light in all of this and I'll understand.

But for now...I'm hoping and praying for a helping hand...something that will make me feel that I am on the right path...that I'm not screwing up again and again...I'm in need...in need.

more of the same...
Tuesday, November 29, 2005 07:45 p.m.

Yeah, not much going on here. As if my insomnia wasn't bad enough...they are doing construction right outside my window...so I'm not getting any sort of restful sleep.

Got some food for my grandma, sealed up my windows for winter, frustrated with Wolfenstein, and just paced around the apartment. I don't even feel like working out at this point... but I am going to try tomorrow.

I'm just not feeling much of anything...just kind of this numb haze that pervades everything. I just want some shock of joy to shake me out of this. I feel all sorts of lost right now.

Grace told me that I should do what makes me happy....and I think that means DVD binge. I'll be making money next month...so I don't feel too bad. I just need something to get my mind off all this black.

Anyways, that's all I've got on this end. Hope against hope...praying for change.

i'm not okay (I promise)
Monday, November 28, 2005 11:41 p.m.

Yeah...I'm really not.

Another day of working out, cooking, just puttering around. Then I went to met Grace for drinks... and I haven't seen her in awhile...and we've both been busy. If I could nominate her for sainthood, I would...she's volunteering at 7 different places! That's just insane.

And yeah...I expect "tough love" from her...but I realize that's really not what I need right now. I've been severely depressed for the past few weeks and a lot of it has to do with my grandfather's situation...but also the big picture.

I'm really tired of lying for the sake of my own sanity...well, maybe lying is too strong a word...but I'm tired of trying to fool myself into thinking positive. It takes so much effort to try to psych myself up/out...when in reality...if I'm being honest...I'm just very unhappy.

The one thing I was looking forward to was getting back to work...but in all honesty...it's not really a victory. I'm going back into an industry that I was desperate to leave...and who knows if things will be really better at the new place.

And all the stuff that's happened this year...it really, really hurt to be so humbled and absolutely humiliated. I hate myself for being so weak and useless...and I hate feeling this way.

I know I should be grateful for every breath I take...for having my friends and family. And I know it is an absolute sin to hate my life...but sometimes...it's really hard not to.

I can't take care of myself at this point and I'm being called to take care of others. And I keep feeling that I'm going to screw up. And what I do not want to hear is "it's not so bad...it could be worse" ...because it has gotten worse and it could get worse.

So yeah...I really don't want to talk to anyone or hear anymore advice on how to cope. I'm just going to have to do this by myself. My friends and family mean well...but honestly, sometimes they hurt more than they help.

And yes, I have some very dark thoughts...and my fears have only gotten worse. But as long as I keep blogging...then you know I'm ok. Just worry if I stop.

I'm going to keep praying that I can have the strength to carry on...please pray for me. I just feel like I am walking a tenuous line right now...and just one more thing could push me over.

I just want my grandfather home and well. I want things back the way they were. I want my heart to be healed. I want to be able to sleep and not wake up in a panic from some idiotic nightmare. I want to stop grinding my teeth at night. I want to not have panic attacks I can't control. I want to be able to be happy for all those who are getting married. I want to be able to hold my head up high and not feel like a fool and a failure. I want to not feel like I am forcing myself to smile. I want to not feel so freaking lonely all the time. I want to be able to love and be loved without the fear of abandonment. I want to be able to trust people again. I want to be able to believe in myself. I want to be able to write again. I want to be able to breathe again.

I'm terrified that I can't muster up the joy in my life. I'm terrified that I can't imagine things getting better. And I'm terrified I'll always have to manage these difficult things alone.

I hate throwing a pity party... so I'll stop now. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

so out of it...
Sunday, November 27, 2005 10:23 p.m.

Ok...I'm feeling a little out of it right now...feeling like this all day. A bit sniffly and tired...it might be because I was out all day yesterday.

Got up early and went to Chinatown...had dim sum with Gary, Lisa, Kaori, Andy, Carmen, Vaish, Jen, Mike, and Gil...we just caught up a bit and talked a little. I kind of wish it was a smaller group since it was like 3 conversations going on at once...anyways...afterwards Jen, Mike, Andy, and Kaori went to get egg custard while everyone else went off.

After that...I went to meet up with Eunice and we spent the day walking uptown and going to like 20 stores trying to find her a winter coat...with no luck. I got some adidas comfy pants and a new pair of gloves though.

Just exhausted.I was unconscious by 130 and was up by around noon...still feelig really tired and a bit sick.

Ate, watched, tv..played some Wolfenstein, worked out a little and watched DH...that was really it.

I did have to edit some college essays for my cousin in Cali...I can only do so much...and I turned in my AI article.

Eric and Charlotte should be back in Boston now...and I may meet up with Grace tomorrow.

All in all...it's been a long weekend and I'm just feeling a bit run down. I'm not sure if it was because I was just doing a lot of stuff or if I'm just feeling down in general...but I don't know how to describe how I feel. I just know I'm not exactly happy.

Still waiting for something good to shake me out of all of this... still waiting and hoping and praying.

tired
Friday, November 25, 2005 11:52 p.m.

Just weird...I was so exhausted yesterday...but I couldn't sleep. I didn't fall asleep until 6am...and was up at 11 to make food for my grandma...this just can't go on anymore.

Cleaned up...and Eric and Justin came over around 1... I worked on my article and just putzed around the house. Philip and Patricia came over after awhile...my mom, dad, aunt also stopped by for a bit.

My cousin in Cali just emailed me her college essays for me to edit...and it's due on Sunday. Kids these days wait till the last minute.

You know I can be high brow and all that...but man, I love me some Jackass...it cracks me up. I am seriously going to get the boxset when it comes out...100 unaired sketches or something like that...awesome!

Just feeling really weird and moody nowadays...one minute I'm fine...the next...I'm a wreck...not sure what is going on...I just want it to pass. I want to be bored. I want to not be stressed...I want to just relax and have my brain shut down. One day...

Turns out the siblings aren't going tomorrow...so my folks and my bro's in-laws will have some time to talk. I'm going to have dim sum with my high school friends...and yeah...I may be the only single one of them...they are all bringing their spouses...whooopeee. Someone hook a brutha up already.

Happy Thanksgiving
Thursday, November 24, 2005 11:58 p.m.

Started cooking at 11:45 and didn't stop until almost 7. it was just a bacon-riffic Thanksgiving.

I made mashed potatoes with bacon, cream, butter, garlic, mozzarella cheese, and breadcrumbs. Mac and Cheese with bacon and a top coat of mashed potatoes. Turkey stuffed with garlic, onions and topped with...bacon. Also biscuits, beets, cranberry sauce, mushroom gravy. Nina made cookies and my aunt brought some Chinese food and potato salad. It was a ton of stuff and I was exhausted from cooking.

Niu is tiny but she gives a good pounding cause my back was sore. The kids watched Charlie and Choco and Madagascar...and we all ate.

So, it was my 7th year cooking Thanksgiving dinner...I think. Chris and Nina got some decorations so it was especially nice this year.

The family took shifts visiting my grandfather in the nursing home...it's quiet there but still...a little weird.

And I had another panic attack. I was fine one minute and then the next I couldn't breathe...I went to the bathroom and washed my face...and I just went cross eyed for a second...so I went outside for a minute and was ok...but it really scares me...I'm not sure if it was the nursing home thing or just because I was cooking and tired all day...I'm just worried that I am turning into Tony Soprano.

Charlotte stopped by for a bit before...but I didn't get to see the ring...I was too busy cooking..Eric is out with his boys right now...and since my mom got a Costco cake...the pies he brought are in the freezer...so yeah...I got dessert for awhile.

Talked to Eunice for a bit...got text messages from Nic and Grace... I love my friends.

I'm not sure why I get depressed over the holidays...the family is around and we are all in a good mood...but I guess I think about what could have been and who I wanted by my side...and all the missed moments that I'll never get...and I get sad.

I suppose I just want to be with someone when the holidays roll around...to know that someone loves me and cares about me... and I've just never had that. And I don't know when or if I ever will.

Tomorrow...I'll be home keeping and eye on grandma and cleaning up again. My mom is determined to set me up with one of her friends kids...but honestly...I really don't think things would work out.

I'm thankful for being alive...for having a good job that will begin soon...I'm thankful for my friends and family...and I'm thankful that I still have the potential to change...and I know I sound like a broken record...but it's been the hardest year for me...and sometimes I want to just give up...but I never take the easy way...so I'll grin and bear it for as long as it takes.

I have to have faith that things will change and that someday I can look back on 2005 and realize why I had to go through all of this...why I had to suffer and cry and just hate myself for being so weak and ineffectual...and one day I'll be glad that I went through all of this because I'll be a stronger and wiser person for it all.

And whenever that day is...I want to be able to tell it all to the person that I found...and just thank God that it was her. I want to be able to tell her that it was all worth it.

I'm tired and just feeling a little lost and down...but tomorrow I've got another chance to change and to do something...anything.

I need to finish up my article, cook for grandma, clean up around here...and maybe go out or get ready to go out Saturday. I'm not sure what else will happen...but I'm hoping it's something good...and I can thank God with a full heart of gratitude.

So, please...pray for me and mine and I will do the same for you. Have a great holiday...be safe and be well.

oh...my aching back.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005 11:55 p.m.

More busyness today. Got up and went to check on grandma... warmed up some food for her and then off to the supermarket.

I bought pretty much everything but the turkey in one go...and it was at least 50 lbs. worth of groceries (a lot of cans) and my back...ugh...my poor back.

Anyways...watched some tv, cleaned up, and started prepping for tomorrow. Man, I'm beat. Going to be hectic tomorrow...but the leftovers will be well worth it.

LOST was pretty good...but man, they need to make Ana Lucia a little more likeable.

Not much else... just trying to get by and hold up through the holidays...having family around will help...but sometimes I still feel all alone in a crowded room.

Gah...what's wrong with me.

lots of thoughts
Wednesday, November 23, 2005 01:19 a.m.

Just really tired today. Not sure why. I got up and got some food for my grandma and just went out in the rain. I've been cooped up for days and I just needed to get out.

Went to Best Buy and got "War of the Worlds"...just needed to get away and take my mind off things for a bit. Just feeling kind of down and the weather doesn't help at all.

Came back and did some clean up... checked on my grandma...played some Wolfenstein...and that was that. Cooked dinner for me and Chris and was so tired that I ended up taking a nap...slept for like 45 mins. and got up again. Feeling weird all day...

A source of stress... we are meeting my brother's in-laws on Saturday. I think the first time meeting should be in a "neutral place"...meaning neither Chinese or Korean. In any given situation... when you are in that culture you are going to speak your native language and someone isn't going to understand everything...and whether consciously or subconsciously someone is going to feel uncomfortable or it might give someone a sense of having the "upper-hand" ...overstating this a bit...but anyways, I think to be on even ground where everyone feels the same would be ideal. A nice steak place where things aren't weird...

Anyways...my source of stress is that if we do decide to go for Korean...there is a chance it would be in Fort Lee or the vicinity. And I cannot go there. There is no way I can put myself in a situation where I would worry about seeing a certain someone.

The mental state I've been in for the last couple of weeks is just... hard to express. I'm just been so extremely stressed out and filled with anxiety that I don't think I could possibly deal with any more. I haven't been sleeping well, I've been grinding my teeth again, nightmares...and just feeling so, so lonely. I'm just not in a good place. I wish I could be there for my brother and Charlotte...but I don't know if it would help it if I was freaking out in Jersey... so, if worse comes to worse...I'm going to have to bow out. Arrrgh. I hope they decide to meet in the city.

I know my grandfather is doing well...he'll be moved to a nursing home tomorrow to begin his rehab. The physical therapy will help...just not sure how long he will be there for. Things are much better...but why is my stomach still in knots?

And right now...what I absolutely do not need is more people telling me to think positively and to "get over it"...there are just some things that take time and prayer. I can't help feeling a certain way...it's like when a kid is crying and you tell them to stop...they just cry harder. I want things to be better...but it takes time. I've done all I can in my power...but sometimes I just need someone to hold my hand through all of this until it passes.

Talked to Romana before and she says her grandfather was in the hospital for the past five days. What is going on? Just craziness...

Talked to Laura for awhile too. It's funny how things are between us...we always talk and things between us are fine...but things never worked out. I'm not sure if that was for the best or what... but she still calls and we still talk and confide in each other. We have an odd friendship and these past three years...I'm proud of how she's grown and really done well for herself. She's looking for a new job and things with the bfriend are a little rough...but overall...she's doing well.

Going to be a long day tomorrow also. More taking care of grandma...and then going to do the Thanksgiving shopping. Looks like I am going to be cooking again...this will be ...what 7 years in a row that I've cooked nearly the entire Thanksgiving meal... man, I would make such a good wife.

Anyways... I'm just looking forward to the year being over and starting the new job...it will be nice to have some routine again. But for now...I've got my new Anime Insider assignment. I'm almost done already and it's coming along nicely.

I'm beat...and yet...I can't sleep. Maybe I need to see a therapist...but isn't that what you guys do for me? Oh, well.

whew...busy day.
Monday, November 21, 2005 11:48 p.m.

Up and running...cooked and cleaned for my grandma...washed some of my grandfather's clothes... got Justin and took him to his audition (NBC Pilot) took Justin to get some food... met up with Kim for drinks (eh...fun..but I drank too much) home and that was that.

Just a whirlwind of a day... feeling a little weird...and wet. RAIN! URRRGH.

Got my biggest assignment for Anime Insider so far...750 word "Last Man Standing" feature...must get cracking on it tomorrow!

Watched "Harold and Maude" again last night...man, what a crazy good movie... I just want my own Maude... maybe not so old...but just as eccentric and fun... but wait...not crazy...pleas, not crazy.

Lots to do... urrgh.

more new friends...
Sunday, November 20, 2005 10:26 p.m.

Ugh...still not sleeping all that well. I conked out around 2:30...then got up at 5:30 and fell back asleep at 7:30... not sure what is up with that.

Anyways...puttered around and cleaned up...also cleaned up my grandparents apartment a little. Working on a new song too. Though...woke up really headachey and coughy...but I seem ok now.

And more 'net friends... Kim is actually an English teacher at Stuy...going to meet her for drinks tomorrow. Oh, she's a huge Morrissey fan...AND she has a Yorkie...gah! YORKIES! I love 'em!!!!

And Justin has an audition tomorrow night...so will go with him to that...and have to take care of my grandma tomorrow also...going to be busy... should get some rest.

Busy days lately...hoping they get better and things are back to normal....or looking towards an upgrade.

new friend.
Saturday, November 19, 2005 10:49 p.m.

After a pretty uneventful day...I ended up on the phone for a few hours with my new 'net buddy Christina. She's a poet and an awfully sweet girl. A bit of a self-professed dork...but cool. We had a good time just chatting...and since I have insomnia...it helped. In any case...unlike my other web friends (that means you REVA and JOHN) we are supposed to meet up sometime soon.

Anyhoo... low key day. My throat is kind of sore and I just feel a bit rundown...I think it might be cold season. I barely cleaned up today, but I did run for 20 mins. and lifted a little.

A minor flood with the washing machine today...but I fixed it. Ho-hum.

The girl on Globe Trekker is really cute. She reminds me of my friend Jenny D....I wonder how she is. And Jen Y. gave me a call to check up on me. She keeps saying she "has an eye out for me"...but I kinda doubt it. Remember the "Liz incident" at her wedding? Yeah.

Lately, I've been feeling a bit antisocial again...but at the same time...feeling desperately lonely. I'm not sure what I need at this point.

Can't get the word "bajingo" out of my head...Sarah Chalke used it as a name for her "hoo-haa"... I just think it's hilarious...bajingo. HA!

Oh...and I want someone to share in my amusement...Jarvis Cocker has a cameo in Harry Potter! He;s the lead singer of the band at the ball...you only see him for a second...but you hear him singing for a bit...question is...do you even know who Jarvis Cocker is...and do you care?

Weekends are tough. And I think I have a cold. Someone take care of me, please?

portkey.
Friday, November 18, 2005 09:09 p.m.

Just a very odd day. I got up around 11 and just got ready to go out.

Went to Forest Hills, got my ticket for HP...and then wandered around a bit. Weird thing was...they had to switch theaters on us.

The movie was actually pretty good...though a few parts felt kind of rushed and it felt like some stuff was missing. And Hermione is growing up...sniff.

Came home...cleaned up...ate. Watched tv...played some video games, worked out...just trying to relax.

After all the stuff that's happened this week...I'm just glad to be out of the hospital knowing that my grandfather will be out soon. It's been hard on everyone...and for me...just the stuff I've seen and had to do... it's been tough.

Weirdest thing is..the smells. I think I can still smell things from the hospital at home. Just very odd.

I'm just all sorts of weird at the moment... feeling a little lonely and tired and just... I dunno... maybe depressed. I'm not sure. I just need a hug or someone like Sarah Chalke to makeout with.

It's really just that simple.

spent
Thursday, November 17, 2005 04:05 p.m.

Yeah, was too tired to blog yesterday and for good reason. I just feel traumatized by all the stuff that's happened the past few days.

I only slept 4 hours in the past two prior days...and it really took a tool. Besides the already existing insomnia...this just added to it. Anyways...I was up at around 3:30 and puttered around until my Mom came at around 6.

I thought the worst was over when they got the catheter in...but my grandpa was suffering from some pretty bad dementia because of the meds and because he's been in bed for so long. He kept saying that he felt like he was floating and that he was rushing somewhere...he was screaming "here it comes again." and it was just scary for awhile. I tried to calm him down but it was very difficult for me...especially when my mom left.

I helped him with his food and just let him sleep. I thought watching Scrubs:Season 2 would help me with the whole hospital experience...it was funny and a bit ironical since I was in the hospital at the time...

But it didn't help enough. I was just exhausted and my granfather kept waking up and sleeping and I didn't even understand what he was saying sometimes...I wasn't even sure if it was Chinese anymore....and it just got so frustrating...the whole situation and it felt like I was trapped and just ...I don't even know how to express it. Just this overwhelming sense of despair.

This woman came in screaming and crying because her husband had bedsores and she felt he wasn't being taken care of...and the guy in the bed next to my grandfather...I found out that it wasn't a car accident. This woman from the med staff came to ask him if he wanted to press charges. Both his legs were broken and his jaw...and he knew who did it. He didn't want anything to do with his mother...they had a major falling out...and the only person he had was his girlfriend... the thing is...he said he was trying to get his life back together...and he knew who did this to him and wasn't going to press charges. He just wanted to get out...and then he started to cry.

It was just hard going through all of this...all the sickness and loneliness got to me. I was just frustated with the whole situation...I just wanted my grandfather out of there and things to get back to normal. I hate the hospital and being there for 6 days in a row...just made me think about when my other grandfather was in the hospital in Toronto...and the last time I saw him...and everything that happpened back then...

And being in a dark room watching my grandfather sleep...hearing the machines going...the people in the wards screaming, crying, moaning... thinking about all the things I've been through this year... it was just too much for me and I just started to cry. It felt terrible because I couldn't really let it out ...I had to be quiet...so it just made me feel worse. I don't think I've felt as depressed as I was at that moment.

I had to collect myself and when he woke up I helped him with his lunch. He played some solitaire and I watched some more Scrubs...but I was so tired.

When he went back to sleep...I tried to nap a little. And after 20 mins. I was up and my mom called saying she was coming over.

She got in at 5...and my grandpa was sleeping. She said she was going to take me home...but I didn't want to leave him alone in case he woke up. But I had to go...I was just totally gone.

And in the car...I just couldn't say anything to my mom... I was just so tired and frustrated and feeling so angry with myself that I can't be stronger. I just prayed and let the tears fall...and I just couldn't say anything to my mom cause I knew I wouldn't be able to stop.

These past few days have been so hard on everyone. I just want my grandfather out of there already...and I just want to forget the whole experience about being in there.

I just feel so lonely and helpless sometimes...and I'm tapped out. I really, really need someone to take care of me now. I'm exhausted from trying to be strong and level headed in an extremely uncomfortable situation. When it comes to stuff like this...I just feel like a scared little boy...afraid I'm going to do something wrong, afraid that I'm not going to know what to do...afraid that I'm failing everyone. And the hardest thing is presenting this strong face for my grandfather's sake.

So...I'm just trying to rest these next few days. I went to sleep at like 11 after LOST...and I woke up after noon today... I kept waking up and I was dreaming something...but I was tired I barely remembered anything...but it did not feel good.

I went to the post office to get some stamps, went to get some groceries and some junk food...and I came home to watch Madagascar and just to pig out a little.

Yeah, I don't care...I haven't eaten much these past few days and I need some comfort from some beef patties and Cheetos. So, yeah...whatever.

And I'd love it if someone would go see Harry Potter with me tomorrow...but it looks like I may just go by myself...I'm just desperate to forget about the last week... I just need to not think about stuff like this for awhile.

I think I may take a nap again. I'm barely conscious as it is. It's just been really emotionally and physically trying. I think I may have a cold too... not a surprise being around sick people all day. I have so much respect for nurses now...

Can someone please come and take care of me? Tired, lonely, sick, depressed...Lord, I'm a mess. Worse year of my life. I want it to be over. Just let's get on with 2006...start fresh and get some good things rolling.

oh yeah... so Zen.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005 08:26 p.m.

Well, ya'll know I didn't sleep. This was the rest of my day: Got to the hospital at around 7...and was relieved to hear that my Mom was going to take the morning off. Extremely good news since they were going to retry the catheter.

The PA was awesome. My grandpa said he didn't feel any pain and would like to buy the guy dinner! Huge weight...whew. Though there was a lot of blood...it was normal considering his distended bladder (yeah, all this stuff is becoming old hat now)... and my mom had explained a lot of it to my grandpa so he was more relaxed.

And no more constapation! So whew... two problems solved...so much so that my Mom left and called everyone...and everyone was relieved. My grandpa ate breakfast and took a nap....and the funny thing is...he talks in his sleep. His eyes were even open for a few seconds and he said something along the lines of "that looks so tacky" and "give me a glass of water." And then he laughed. How funny is that?

I watched some TV and Nina came and we chatted with my grandpa. While he slept a patient rep. came by and I explained the whole situation that happened yesterday to her...and she cracked up when I told her my name...yeah...Long Island Jewish hospital...and my name...it's a funny mix.

Anyways, several hours pass and then MRI time...which was fine. Though we had to wait for the orderly for nearly an hour to take us back to the room.

Oh, and the roommate...sounds like he was in a bad accident...Jaw is wired shut and he asks for pain meds all the time...and the groaning...oh, man.

Anyways, my grandpa talked to Nina about the journalism profession and he got a little flustered because we couldn't understand the specific terminology...and we called my aunt to translate...and she couldn't either! Tough words!

A long day of struggling to stay up and helping out...my reward...POPEYE'S! ...and my David Sedaris CD boxset came in the mail...oh, sweet sleep here I come!

Thanks for all the well wishes. I really, really appreciate it. It's been an extremely tough week and I feel like I've had to grow up so fast. The stuff I've seen, the stuff I've had to do...it was traumatizing for me and my grandfather... and my family. But all in all, I feel stronger for it...and one day I know I can do this for my parents...and hopefully my kids will do the same for me.

Yes, the human body is frail and it can be disgusting at times...but love conquers all... and we can do things we never thought we were able to if we love someone.

I am going in again tomorrow. So, I'll be up at 6...so I'm hoping I can pass out soon after I post this. But hey, good news is my aunt is coming back tomorrow and I may actually be able to take a few days off.

And it's a cliche...but being surrounded by illness, death, and birth in a hospital...it just makes you want to make out with someone and just celebrate being alive.

Ok, well I don't think I'm getting any smoochies anytime soon...but hey...someone want to buy me a drink? Someone want to take me to see Harry Potter? I need it. I sooooo need it.

I need to be taken care of for a few days. I'm spent.

sleepless.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005 05:51 a.m.

Yeah, I didn't sleep. I was wide awake at 3:30 and got hungry around 4:30. Watched some KITH and anime...and I'm up.

Big cup of coffee and breakfast...and I'm ready to freak myself out at the hospital (well, I'll do that when I am by myself in the bathroom or something)...it's really a struggle going there...but I know my grandpa needs family around...my uncle said something that kind of freaked me out. Basically, he said that he didn't know if it would be enough if it was just him there with my grandpa...my uncle wanted his big sister (my mom) to be there with him.

Thinking about him sleeping there by himself and waking up in a strange room with people doing tests...it drives me nuts. I wouldn't want that...and I can imagine he feels very much the same.

Can't use my cell phone in the hospital...but if you get a chance...send me some text message love. I could use a little encouragement to get me through the day. Well, I do have a DVD player and a notebook coming with me...so it will be a nice little distraction.

I wish I had some magic DVDs with me (as in "tricks and illusions) because my grandpa loves magic. But I'm going to see if I can get him to watch Jackass The Movie with me...but most likely Breakfast at Tiffany's or some Chinese movie...we'll see if he's up for it.

K, prayers and positive energy...gotta count for something.

tough times
Monday, November 14, 2005 11:51 p.m.

Another rough night with a weird dream about Eric...most likely something to do about his wedding. I keep having dreams about cruises, my teeth falling out, and cell phone problems... I think I know what it means...well, maybe.

Anyways, went to the hospital with Chris and Nina...and Kelvin came later...my dad was there all day and he left when we got there...but it was very difficult for us...especially for me.

They were trying to fit my grandfather with a catheter and they interrupted him in the middle of dinner to do it...and if that wasn't enough...they couldn't do it properly and will have to try again.

The thing that got to me was my grandfather screaming in pain and just the whole process of it. I had to call my mom to stay on the phone with me... it was too much. I was literally shaking and I got dizzy and hot...and had to hide in the bathroom for a minute to gain my composure. It was probably one of the most difficult things I've had to witness in my life so far.

I got a washcloth and wiped his face for him and just held on to his arm... cause I don't think I could have said much at that moment.

The pain, the embarassment...I can only imagine... it's just so difficult right now and everyone is a little on edge.

Chris, Nina, and Kelvin were really good...they helped out a lot and were very attentive. And it's going to be like that for the next few days...the whole family coming in shifts and stuff. Everyone is tired and on the phone all the time.

I know this is supposed to build character...but honestly, I'm really not that strong. And it's taking all of my energy to try not to look concerned...

Anyways, they moved my grandfather to a nicer room...it's peaceful and quiet for the most part and the room is definitely bigger. The only thing that bugs me is their is a woman screaming in the ward "help us...there's a fire". That's just hard to deal with.

The little Filipina nurse that came by was so cute and sweet...I hope she sticks around...they keep switching nurses...it's so hard to keep track of.

I am pretty tired...and I'm going in for the early shift tomorrow morning... so, yeah... send some love and prayers. We all need it.

a very special episode...
Monday, November 14, 2005 12:00 a.m.

that's how it feels. I had a long talk with Chris and Nina... a lot of screaming and shouting...but I think a lot of stuff was resolved. What it boils down to is the cliche..."stepping out of our comfort zone" thing...when in a time of crisis we have to stop thinking about how we think and feel and what we are uncomfortable with...and deal with the crisis at large. Basically, we need to stop worrying about what makes us "feel ok with the world" and just step up and help when we are needed....and to know what is "right to do." Yeah... lots of " ".

It's really hard to explain right now...but I think we are all under a lot of stress...and I feel like I'm being hit with a lot of stuff at once. I don't think I've cried (and yelled...and I sound like my Dad...gah, that's really scary. I hate it.) as much as I have in any other year...this has really been the most difficult year of my life.

Growing up and having to do things that really humbles you and seeing someone you love and respect in a weakened state...it really takes a lot out of you. And it just added to a long list of things that have been weighing heavily on me.

Anyways, going to go to the hospital with Chris and Nina tomorrow. I apologized for saying some things in frustration and anger...and Nina apologized for "fighting dirty"...man, I never believed it when Chris told me before...but dang. Anyways, water under the bridge and we all know what is important. (And I should know better not to tell my family stuff, word spreads like wildfire and things get misconstrued really badly. "Communication breakdown"...and I mean that in the most Led-est of Zepplin-esque ways.)I love my cousins dearly and would do anything for them...but I'm just really tired and the past few days have been very hard.

All the kids went to visit today and my aunts and uncles were around too. I really think the women in my family are the strongest...and I felt much more comfortable with them there today. My grandfather seemed to be much better. Getting a lot of rest and fluids...and he has a sweet tooth...so we got him a brownie that he seemed to really like.

It's really tough with the language barrier sometimes...but actions do speak louder than words...and I'm trying my best to stay strong in front of the family...I've always been very "fiery" and this surprises a lot of people when I'm usually laid back...but sometimes it gets the best of me...and I scare myself...so in times of stress...I tend to explode and things come up that I rather they didn't...so apologies all around.

My little aunt told me something today that scared the crap out of me. My mom just went to the doc and he said she had high cholesterol...but my aunt says she doesn't know if my mom told him that she had a "strangling feeling" around her neck and a "tingling of her scalp"...which are supposedly signs of a blood clot or stroke. So we really have to push my mom to go to the doc...and when I heard this...I thought I was going to pass out for a second...the room went fuzzy and I had to take off my glasses for a second. It was a little hard to breathe...but I was fine. When did I become Tony Soprano? Oh yeah...that would have been in June... ugh.

And yeah, I've started seeing the "furry things" again. Just glancing things from the corner of my eyes...and the teeth grinding must stop. I have sore jaws again...UGH. And don't forget about the lovely insomnia. Man, I'm a mess. Soon as I get health insurance...I may need to get checked out.

I'm just praying that God is merciful and really teaches us during this time. It has been such a hard year of "character building" for me...and I'm just exhausted. I know I have to grow up and really go above and beyond what I am used to...but no one said it would be easy. And yes, I'm very happy to have my family around...it gives everyone a sense of security...but I really wish I had someone to hold my hand through all of this.

It's hard trying to be strong when you know how weak you are...but I'm trying... really hard. And I hope my prayers are answered.

So, going to try to cram some chores in tomorrow morning...and since I'm usually free...I think I'll be pulling some heavy hospital duty this week. So if I'm incommunicado this week...you'll know why. But hey, if you are reading this...text me. I need a little love, k?

more hospital.
Sunday, November 13, 2005 12:54 a.m.

I think things are better today. I got up and putzed around for a bit...talked to Eunice for awhile which helped. She usually is my rock...and then Chris and I went to the hospital. Fred drove us and he visited my grandpa with us. Man, he really is family. I really appreciated that he came and hung out for a bit.

My grandfather seemed better today... but a bit tired. My uncle needs to get some rest and everyone needs to really think about what they can do to help.

My family (both sides) tend to be really divided into two camps. Those that do a lot for the family (sometimes too much)...and those that do when they can. I know everyone is busy and has their own lives...but sometimes it really needs a bit of a wake up call so people realize what it means to be part of a family. And that means making certain sacrifices and spending the time and effort.

Honestly, Chris and I are usually under a lot of stress because we live across the hall from my grandparents. We are always nervous that something is going to happen...and we check on them all the time. We help them with chores and such...but in the end my grandfather is a very proud man and he usually refuses any help...which is very thickheaded on his part.

Part of my view of Christianity...and the most beautiful part of it... is that there true strength really comes from an admission of your weakness... when we realize that we cannot do somethings on our own. And this extends to family... admitting you need help and reaching out for the ones that love you the most.

These past few days have been difficult and I don't want to worry too much...but my grandmother had a pretty bad breakdown about 20 years ago...and she showed some symptoms today. She woke up in New Jersey asking where my grandfather was...and she was looking for him. She knows he is in the hospital...so...cause for concern, according to my uncle.

In reality, my grandfather is very healthy for his age...but the matter here is his pride. I've been saying this for years. My grandparents cannot live by themselves anymore. And Chris and I...we are his grandchildren...there is only so much we can do...and the language barrier is still tough. I really hope my aunts and uncles step up and take more responsibility in this... they do a lot already...but this was really a wake up call that things must change.

I'm a tired and I think I am getting sick. I got a little lightheaded and headachey and just feeling really parched. The insomnia doesn't help and this just adds to it.

I'm praying and at the same time...trying to get my mind off of things... not trying to think too much about it. I trust in God...and I'm trying to leave it at that.

One funny thing...I got pooped on by a bird...which was really weird since it was at night...and at first I was like ...no way. I heard a sound and then ran my fingers through my hair....poo. And then I went inside and saw a nugget on my sweater. Oh, well...that's a sign of good fortune, right?

Anyways, me and Chris stayed until almost midnight...my grandpa was sleeping pretty well. My uncle came for a bit and then we left... stopped by Wendy's and home.

Yeah...I'm a bit of a girl... when I get stressed I either eat a lot ...or nothing at all. This year has been insane. I'm tired of the rollercoaster.

I want to get off now. Can I get on the lovely Ferris wheel? Something slow and pretty and nice would be a welcome change for awhile.

Pray for my grandpa and my family...and for me. I'm tired.

hospital.
Friday, November 11, 2005 11:54 p.m.

Another weird day... got up around noon...and feeling kinda crappy. Ate and helped my mom out a bit... picked up the kids and went to the hospital.

Went to visit my grandpa with the family...the kids and my grandma went to Jersey...and after a few hours...I was alone watching my grandfather...it was a bad idea only because I still feel like a kid in situations like this and translating stuff can freak me out.

The urologist had to examine my grandfather because of the blood in his urine and I had to translate this fact... it was kinda scary for a second...but it was fine.

My grandpa ended up telling me stories for almost two hours. It made him happy to tell me about my mom and dad...and how all these other guys wanted to get with her and he refused to help out...he said "if your son wants to...he is welcome to try"...and how my dad was taking care of my aunts and uncles in Taiwan...and my grandpa said...well if my greatgrandparents approved...then he would be fine with it (my grandparents were in the States already) and my greatgrandma thought he was handsome and that was that... my grandpa told me stories of how all these people just loved my mom when they met her...and how she was so good at whatever she did... lots of stuff like that.

He told me things about how he loves all his grandchildren and how they are smart in all these different ways...and how he loves my aunts and uncles...even if he doesn't agree with them...he supports them.

And he told me how proud of me he was when I quit my last job... he thought I did the right thing...and he encouraged me to do well at MGH...and not to worry about finding a wife. He's sure that if I am true to myself...I should find someone easily... and he loves me and is proud of me.

No matter what... I'll always remember tonight for that. I got a little choked up...even if I didn't understand everything he said... I did get most of it...and watching him laugh...even when he is sick... it's amazing.

I love and respect him so much. And I know that he wants the best for his family...but being selfless all these years (especially with my grandma)...really has taken a toll. I want him to get well soon...and to look after himself and not worry so much about everyone else and everything else.

Tonight really showed me the true character of my family...the good and the bad...and maybe I'm just freaking out because it's me... but in the end things will be ok...I'm sure of it.

So, I'll probably visit tomorrow...and if things are fine...he should be home in a few days. He refused to sleep until I left...but when I did he seemed to be in good spirits and strong. I hope he sleeps a restful sleep tonight.

Please pray for him and for my family. Thanks.

And Nina just turned 23 and Chris got a promotion...so hopefully the good news keeps coming.

I am just exhausted and could really use a hug right about now.

bad news
Friday, November 11, 2005 01:46 a.m.

My grandfather is in the hospital. He fell, but thank God he didn't break anything. The doctors said he was dehydrated and malnourished? I'm still really confused by all of this. But they say he is fine. My mom is staying with my grandma tonight...

And I was out drinking with Lynn and got home at 1:00...why didn't anyone think of leaving a voicemail... I know I couldn't have done anything...but still.

Please pray for my grandfather. I know he's doing ok...but it was a big scare...and I still feel kind of uneasy.

Just a weird day altogether...I'm exhausted.

PBS ...here I come!
Thursday, November 10, 2005 03:53 p.m.

I think it went very well. I got to the studio in Brooklyn right on time and I met with the people in charge, the twin Korean women that started the show, Air (the host), John Lall, and Matt Sia (the other singer/songwriters)... and then a bunch of comedians who were filming next, and some hip-hop guys who would be on also.

And then, sound check. Got some makeup too! (I was shiny) and then we were off and running. About 20 minutes of Q &A and then we each played our songs... I did an excerpt of "under lock and key" and I think I did it pretty well. My only concern is that I didn't embarass myself too badly. And I didn't get a chance to give a shout out to friends and family though.

The other guys were really good...and John especially was super cool. Gonna keep in contact with the guys and see if we can play together sometime...John is at Berklee in Mass..so maybe I can go up there and play with him. Lots of good contacts...and press and exposure for the CD.

The show is supposed to air in January...so I hope it goes well. And remember, the camera adds 10 lbs...at least. HAHAHH.

All in all...it was a good experience...met some cool people and great contacts...and hopefully something will come out of this. I may be back to film the poetry segment...who knows. We'll see.

So, keep your eyes peeled for Abe on "Asian America"...coming to a PBS station near you...in January 2006!

A funny story...on the train ride there...this old European guy got in a fight with this Latino guy... The Latino guy pushed him cause he was blocking the door...and then they started pushing and shoving...the Euro guy's friend held him back and this young black teen came to hold him back too. The Latino guy looked like he got something from his pocket...brass knuckles? Nah...maybe a phone or something...anyways...they started cursing each other out in at least 3 languages: English, Spanish, Italian, and maybe Russian? In any case, it was funny to see the Euro guy swear in Spanish and both guys swearing in Italian...hahah!

And on the way to the train after the shoot...there was a long light at Jay St....and this guy in a truck was like "how about a song while we wait"...and John goes "I got a song for you...but I better not sing it." And everybody had a good laugh... Only in NYC. Gotta love it.

And yo... "alfieralfie" my bud John...congrats on the new girl... hope she isn't named S! hahahah!

Matt brought his girl to the show, and John gave a shout out to some girl he was seeing...me...I was like "yeah, dealing with a broken heart...so still single...any cute girls out there?" hahahah! Oh man, I am pathetic. yeah...still carrying that broken heart on my sleeve...but more power to ya'll.

Having drinks with Lynn later...I couldn't sleep last night and was up until 6...so I'm a bit tired... man, I hope I don't pass out on the train.

weird day...again.
Thursday, November 10, 2005 12:12 a.m.

So I passed out at 11 and then I was up at 2...and couldn't sleep until 5...and then I got up at 2. Ugh. Why am I some weird animal now? Am I some kind of weird marsupial?

Worked, out, cleaned, got some groceries, rehearsed. I'm supposed to be at the studio in bklyn tomorrow at 12:30...ack. I'm a little nervous, but I hope and pray that I am articulate and I play well. Lord, help me.

And LOST...man...cover your eyes if you haven't seen it...I read some spoilers and I knew that a female character was supposed to bite it...and when that "Tailer" Cindy disappeared...well, I was like...WHAT A RIP!...and then Sayid and Shannon had their "I love you" moment...and I knew that Shannon was gonna get it... oh, man.

At least it wasn't Sayid...but still... next few episodes are gonna be nuts... man...this show is still good. Unlike Desperate Housewives...dang, that needs to get better...

Ok, Grace is officially adorable...she sent me another card today and congratulated me on getting the job. How cute is she?

And Laura called and apparently she wants to set me up with her editor friend... but she's a Jewish girl.. and me, I'm a shiksa...a goy! Oy vey...but still... meeting new people is fun. Why not expand your horizons and just get out there. I want to be over this broken hearted/ ohwoeisme mode... just get on with it. I deserve so much better.

Ok...thunder and lightning...eep.

Big day tomorrow...praying for clear skies, a good voice, and some well-spoken comments... and looking cute would help too.

sleep deprived...
Tuesday, November 8, 2005 10:05 p.m.

So I fall asleep at 5...and the phone rings and wakes me up at 8! I'm out of bed before 9 and I end up going to get a hair cut and groceries.

For some reason...my hair short and neat makes me look like I'm 17. I look so young right now. I guess my long hair made me old and dirty looking?

Anyways, worked out, cleaned up, practiced for the TV spot... and went home for dinner.

Got some paperwork from MGH...so I guess it's official, huh?

Did have a scary moment... had a memory of S that just shook me...this one little detail...but it just sent my stomach into a spin and my heart just sank like a stone...I'm so tired of these awful moments...but I just let them happen and then they pass.

I just need someone to help me forget. I can't seem to do this by myself.

May end up going to Boston for vaykay instead of Philly. We'll see how things work out.

Saw this thing on Oprah about this "mermaid baby"...so sad... such a cute baby deformed that way and from a "curse"? So sad...but the operation went well...so happy baby!

And Tourette's ...man, sometimes I feel like I am a bit OCD...but some Tourette's people have OCD and ADHD also...my goodness. That's got to be tough.

And yeah, for some weird reason...I started grinding my teeth again...sore jaw in the morning is the tell tale sign... oh, man...pray for me.

Ok...it's not even 1030 and I feel like I am going to pass out...arrgh...just don't want to be up at like 5 AM... urrrgh...but new LOST tomorrow night... WOOOO !!!!

And with that...I bid you good night.

I'm going to be on TV!
Monday, November 7, 2005 11:56 p.m.

Well, here's to the November theory. I'm going to be on an episode of "Asian America" it's a PBS show about Asian Americans in entertainment, etc... Anyways, the host of the Filipino benefit that I played at emailed me today and wants me on his new show. He just started as the new host and well, I'll be one of his first guests. I'm taping the show on Thursday afternoon and it will probably air a few weeks later.

I'm only allowed 3 minutes to perform...so I'll have to do half a song...at the moment I'm going to go with "under lock and key" since it has a nice shift from soft and quiet to a little more rocking... in any case... The Q &A has me a little worried. I can't talk about my music without talking about the broken relationships... namely E and S...the album is basically about them...and well, I won't mention them by name...but I'm going to have to talk about it a bit.

So, next few days I might be on edge a bit...we'll see how things pan out. In any case... it's a good thing and I'll get my name out there and hopefully it will lead to other good things. Who knows?

Other than that bit of news...I had a weird day...I was up late finishing R.O.D. and it was awesome...and I got up at 9 and was like..."alright! I'm like a normal person!" then I had breakfast and I got sleepy and ended up passing out around noon...and was up at 3. Great.

And Kari from Mythbusters dyed her hair jetblack...omg...gothgirl cuteness!

Not much else otherwise...but I guess I have to get my hair cut first thing tomorrow. Pick out an outfit and what not...and PBS here I come!

shopaholic
Sunday, November 6, 2005 11:52 p.m.

Yeah, woke up late with a bit of a hangover. Watched tv a little and then went to meet Eunice to go shopping for her winter coat...and I ended up buying more than she did.

I had a bunch of coupons...so I got some tanktops ("wife beaters" really) and a shirt at BR. Then we went to Old Town Bar to have a burger and nachos...and then went to Barnes and Noble to just wander around a bit.

A lot of people have asked me why I don't date some of my close girl friends (one of my friends was like wtf are you not dating this girl yet?) and honestly...it's simple. Some of my friends are just like family to me... not so much in the sense that I would get all icky...but in a sense they are my extended family in a very spiritual way.

And my past...my illustrious past of dating girls and having them flip out and leave forever...well, maybe it's me? I don't know yet...people keep saying it isn't...but what if it is? And in the end...there are a handful of girls in my life that I love dearly and if ever one of them was like "let's get married"...I may not even think twice and be like "why didn't I see this all the years we were friends?" But at this point in my life...the people that I love and cherish...I would never dare risk losing them.

So is it out of fear? Is it out of a long history that nothing has happened? Well, I don't know...but Eunice, Amy, Grace, etc... these are some of the most precious people in my life. These people I consider family and I love them and would do anything for them... and I wish only good things for them...and in the end I don't know who they will end up with...but I know that they deserve only the best.

So, there is some one out there for me too...and that girl will be lucky because I've had loads of practice on how to treat women well (I hope I did)... well, as long as she isn't going to flip out on me...then Abe crawls in a hole again. But for now, I have enough estrogen on my plate to keep me fully aware of what it is like to have people that care about me. And I am ever grateful for this and I never want to take it for granted.

Romana, Cindy, and Doris are getting married...and Elaine is always with Barry and as my single friends start dating people...I may "lose" them in a sense...but often times, I'm the one they turn to when they are in need...and vice versa. So, yes, friendship is often better than dating. And then on the other hand... sometimes it's best when someone is not in your life at all. Believe me....I've had to learn that the hard way.

So I've got the job thing out of the way... now I'd love to meet a nice girl, find a church that I can go to without being skeeved out, and get my writing out there... a lot to work on in the coming months and years...but I'm still trying.

Am I getting sick? I have just been boiling hot and sweaty these past few days...what is going on?

I need to get on a normal schedule...urrgh. Can I fall asleep before 4 AM? Sigh... anime here I come.

whoo...what a night.
Sunday, November 6, 2005 02:25 a.m.

It's almost 3 AM and I am a bit tipsy...still. Had a long night...

Got up late and worked out a little and before you know it...was off to have dinner with the family. It was for my aunt's bday, Alex's bday, and Alex's grandma's bday... 4 tables at Gala Manor...this new place in Flushing.

Yes, I did get a little panicky walking through the streets...but it was ok when I got to play with the kids...they are still so cute and they really make my day. But they are growing up so fast and makes me sad...

Ate a ton of food and one of the best bday cakes I ever had...and it was from BJ Wholesale. I was shocked.

Came home and changed and hopped on the train...took me almost an hour and a half to get up to Emily's place in the UES. I didn't stay long but talked to some of Em's friends... who all had bfriends...hahah...Anyways caught up with Em, went up to her roof and chilled. One of her friends actually went to one of my shows ages ago...so I gave her a CD and it turns out she sings in a band too and may go to SJU for her PhD in Clinical Psych...so we exchanged emails.

Pretty much it. Got home at 2...still feeling a bit woozy and tired... it was a long night and it is warm. I'm all sweaty...am I getting sick or was it all the Chivas Regal and white wine?

it's official...
Friday, November 4, 2005 10:21 p.m.

MGH called to confirm and I officially accepted the offer. So, paycheck here I come! Starting January 3rd, I'll be going to MSG everyday...and that might mean weekends too. I've got some time...so I better get on the ball and start doing what I need to do.

Some bad news...Eunice and my friend Alex's girlfriend had emergency brain surgery today. She had an aneurysm yesterday...but from what I heard...she's going to be ok. Please keep Ann in your prayers.

Not much going on here. More cleaning, working out, and I watched Drawn Together: Season 1 today... some really filthy stuff but a lot of legit laughs too.

Fever Pitch wasn't bad either...but it could have been funnier. It was ok and not too sappy. I can't handle sappy these days.

Pretty much it from me...going to try to answer some emails and write a little bit. Yeah, Fridays will be a little boring until I start getting paid again...but I can manage. Can't be a party every weekend, right? Like Reva said..."chicks dig guys with money"...well, that will be me in 60 days or so...

TGIF...again and again.

cleaning out my closets...
Thursday, November 3, 2005 10:32 p.m.

Yeah, had some more insomnia last night. I stayed up and watched the "Longest Yard" 2005. It was a pretty flippin' awesome movie. Lots of NFL players and WWF folks in there... good stuff. I liked it a lot more than I thought I would.

Spent the day cleaning out and rearranging my comic book collection. I have 20 some odd comics in there. I have comics from back in elementary school... ugh...my back is actually sore from lifting all those huge boxes.

Went home to have dinner with the folks and a friend of the family... "Shao Ta"...from Taiwan. She made a documentary on the de-legalized state of prostitution in Taiwan, went to Guatemala to study abroad without knowing a lick of Spanish... incredible stuff.

Anyways, more good news...MGH gave me 2K more. So I am all set and ready to go to work. Yes, it's ed. publishing...but it's a very well established company and I am sure the long hours will be worth it.

So, I've got exactly 2 months to get my stuff in order. I'm not sure what I want to do...but I know that I need to write and clean out a bunch of stuff...enjoy the holidays and hopefully meet someone nice soon.

Man, my aching back...I'm sleepy now...but I'm sure I'll be up until 4-5 again. But things are good and getting better... woot!

ahh...memories.
Wednesday, November 2, 2005 11:11 p.m.

I went to Joshua Tree with Melissa tonight (funny thing is, the other one was this place that I went to in college) we had a great time catching up and laughing about high school and college memories...we had a lot of shared memories and mutual friends and stuff.

And we shared some horror stories about relationships gone wrong...I don't feel so bad knowing that not everyone can have things work out... she's been through a lot.

I hope that we do keep in touch. She's really cool and we used to be dance partners! We both have really interesting stories.

Anyways, I used the last of my Blockbuster credit so I have a few movies I can watch in the coming days. It feels good to know that I have a job coming up...but I'm still unemployed at the moment...and I need some cash! Arrgh! Anyways...tomorrow is a bright day and I have a ton of stuff I want to do before I have to get back to the grind...but Praise God...there's a beam of light...

I'll be getting paid soon...and with that... a little more freedom and a lot of gratitude for the people that have helped me through this tough time. Amen. Thank you and thank you again.

I got a job!
Wednesday, November 2, 2005 04:19 p.m.

Oh, yes. If anything...my November theory has proven true at least for the moment. McGraw-Hill contacted me today and offered me the job of Editor of their Grade 6 World Cultures Teacher's Edition. I would begin on January 3rd. Still negotiating the salary...I'm hoping they can do just a bit better. But I'm happy to be employed. And I suppose I may have to admit that educational publishing is my career...sigh.

In any case, this means I have two months to get what I need to get done. Namely: working on the novel, working out, getting the apt. in order, cleaning up, helping Eric plan, and finding myself a good woman that won't flip out on me. Well, there really isn't a time limit on any of this...but the two months where I know I have a job coming...it will do a lot of good.

AND my shower got fixed so that the insane dripping has stopped and I won't be hearing that racket at night. AND I may have a way to cut my DSL price in half. Good stuff all around.

And...going to have drinks with Melissa in a few.

I got this DVD doc called "Star Wait" for 5 bucks at Target ...basically it's about a bunch of nerds waiting on line for SW:II...and there are a few scenes that are pretty funny: A bunch of Christians come and preach and sing to the line...and they actually get some of the SW nerds to pray with them...and this one guy in a Tigger outfit (cosplay is part of nerdom) starts earnestly praying with them while this other nerd just has this blank look on his face. HILARIOUS.

And then a bunch of drunk punkrockers come and accost the nerds outside Graumann's...and this one guy who looks normal and is pretty buff (and has a hot girlfriend) just punches this guy out. And he hears this guy go "You just got knocked out by a Star Wars nerd!" AWESOME.

And honestly...I miss the camraderie of nerdom...my anime otakuness has been replaced by my need to find some actual human companionship. I mean, I can fit in with the geeks and dorks no problem...but I think I am cool enough to hang with the "normals" also. Dang.

So...one blue chick down! Next one...a bit more difficult. Can I find a nice girl in time for New Year's? Man, another year without a midnight smooch would suck...but I've been through much, much worse this year. Let's stay hopeful...all in God's time.

Hallelujah! I'm gonna be a working man. Thanks for your prayers and support. Hands up in praise and thanks on this one. Giving the Big Guy a "holla." wooot.

Revenge of the...
Tuesday, November 1, 2005 10:06 p.m.

Ok, let this be the last nightmare of this kind. A little Halloween hiccup and let that be that. I don't want these stupid dreams anymore.

Basically, it was about S...I was with someone, it was some friend with a boyfriend and we were going to a Belle and Sebastian concert...and S comes in with this guy named "Zev" who is really this guy Steve that went out with Y a long time ago...I didn't realize this until later in the day...in any case...he's wearing this red and pink shirt that has the Tool "Undertow" symbol pinned to it in the middle...like he cut it out and tacked it on the shirt...which I think is ridiculous since it is a B&S concert...anyways... I see her pass with this guy in hand and I just feel like crap.

And then I get home...it's not my home ...it's like an MIT dorm or something and then I hear the answering machine pick up and it's a message for my friend and her boyfriend and "Zev" is like "I'm a registered nurse...so I think that you guys should do this and that"...and then I hear S in the background telling him that she is still in love with me and it's her father that is keeping us apart. This breaks my heart.

So, again...I desperately try to call her back and my cellphone just keeps bringing up stupid pics of logos of cafes that I took...and the logos are all animated and weird...and I can't get through... and there is a cruise ship in the dream also... maybe a symbol of me trying to get away? But the phone thing is a recurring motif because I went through 3 cellphones during the time I was with her...so I get that...and the troubles with Y...maybe that brings up Zev/Steve...and the friend and her bfriend...I think they were people I knew in college...regardless...I woke up feeling depressed and panicky...and I just want it to to stop. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of my unconscious wrecking me. I want to move on and forget all the events of the summer that tore me down.

So, off to Best Buy to pick up the presents for Alex...and I got Star Wars for myself and some cheap candy from Target. I spent like $250 bucks on stuff for him! The family is all going to chip in...

No news from MGH...no need to panic. I'm sure they will get back to me this week. I just hope it's good news.

I'm trying to make sense of this weird uneasy feeling...but maybe it's just all nervous energy. I'm almost 10 pages into the new novel...and I can just imagine myself really getting this done by next year.

Other than that...just watching Star Wars and the extras...the webdocs were the best thing so far...the movie is good for the action but the stupid love scenes and bad acting...urrrgh. Not as great as I hoped it would be.

Yeah...I'm ok now...but I dread having anymore nightmares. It's officially November...so i'm expecting things to go well according to my theory. Lord, help me.

Anyhoo...I'm a little tired...a little sad...and still feeling a bit lonely. Even in a crowded room...I'm still trying to make a connection with someone that gets me...I mean, really gets it...and I'm tired of feeling that way.

Let's try to get to the base level of being ok by myself...and the rest will follow.

Archived...here comes November.
Monday, October 31, 2005 11:14 p.m.

Check out the archives for what happened in October.

I'm hoping that my November theory pans out. I refuse to let 2005 go out without some redemption.

Let's hope I'm right. Can't be unemployed and broken hearted forever, right?

God is good. Don't forget that, kids.