so long September.
Friday, September 30, 2005 07:47 p.m.

Yeah...after my little crapfest yesterday...a little glimmer of hope. DC Comics is hiring. I applied for an Assistant Editor's position...and man, I could really, really use a phone call from them. Hope they call me. And everyone knows that I like DC better than Marvel. :P

Stayed up and watched Constantine...which was actually a million times better than I expected. Too bad they didn't cast Sting...John Constantine was based on him.

Worked out, did laundry, rehearsed, did some grocery shopping...felt sad and nostalgic... and worked out some more to get it out of my head. Cleaned up a bit and just stewed in my juices. Watched "Inside the Actors Studio" with Jodi Foster. If I think she is hot...does that make me a lesbian? She's just such an amazing actress...and strong and gorgeous...man...maybe I am a lesbian.

Potential good news. Looks like I am almost officially on the bill for that other benefit show at the end of October. I just want to play and get people listening to my stuff.

Eunice should be on her way over...we are just gonna chill here and watch movies. Better than going out and spending money...and yeah...hope it cheers me up a bit too.

Poor Doris. Had to say goodbye to her dog Chili. So sad.

Well, September is over... I was saying how October was going to be the turn around. Let's see if I'm right. I've got 31 days for something really good to happen. Come on, October!

TGIF. I'm sleepy and a little sad...but it's good to be alive.

oh crap.
Thursday, September 29, 2005 10:47 p.m.

Ok... the interview. I got there a little early and filled out a bunch of forms. Met the guy and then he gave me half and hour for a test. Oh, man. It was not a standard editing test...it was basically... "how much have you read"...

I nailed a lot of the questions(3 for Salinger, 3 for Poe, 5 publishing companies, fave author, last good book I read, writers from Ireland, Spain, Japan, Chick Lit authors, Mystery authors, Memoir, and a synopsis for a Bradbury book) but then it was: Name 3 contemporary books that you would recommend to someone that enjoyed Faulkner and then Nabakov. Ok, Faulkner...a sore subject for me... but I just couldn't think of anything Southern-gothic related. And Nabakov... never read any of his stuff... ugh...

But the other questions I thought I did fine...and all of this in 30 minutes. UGH! I mean any nerd that works at Barnes and Noble might be able to do this...but if you picked anyone off the street...I doubt they could.

The interview went ok...but I didn't think it was great...and he said "Thanks for coming in" instead of something like "we'll let you know"...so I'm thinking I don't really have a chance.

So, it's back to the drawing board. I'm going to look into some temp agencies and maybe get a temp editorial job (if they exist) and then really brainstorm. I'm at my wits end here... I really have no idea what I should be doing besides what I have been doing...and I just feel stuck at this point.

I would really appreciate some help...any help. But I know it's hard. My life is just not turning out well at this point. I just feel broken and disheartened by all of this.

It's hard to keep picking myself up. But I know that God is in my corner...and that is the only thing that I can really depend on. I always thought I was a patient person...but I'm really burning the wick low right now.

I'm spent and sad. And feeling lonely.

Somebody save me.

how much do I really know?
Wednesday, September 28, 2005 10:13 p.m.

Yeah...got up a bit late again. Flipped through more textbooks and read a lot of Chicago Manual of Style... ugh. Not the most exciting thing to do.

Went to Forest Hills really quick and sold a bunch of DVDs to Blockbuster...just needed a break from the reading.

Came home and worked out and read more. The new Rolling Stone has Evangeline Lilly on the cover... I read the story and it turns out she was raised Baptist/Mennonite! She taught Bible study for 8 years and on hiatus from LOST she went to Rwanda to visit her missionary friend...and ended up staying there for awhile... and she's a Christian girl with a "potty mouth"...and if she is dating Dominic Monaghan...ugh...puke. Hobbit-breath!

Should I feel weird if I really like Alkaline Trio? I mean since they are Satanists? Well, they say they don't actually worship Satan...but they belong to the Church of Satan? It's more "humanistic" if anything...sigh. But they do rock and their songs are catchy....hahah! Must listen to some Christian music to balance this out!

Ok...more prep for my interview tomorrow. Please pray for me! I really want...NEED this job at this point. I really hope I am a good fit for this company...and man...I want October to be filled with good things...and some hope for the future. I'm tired of disappointments.

Last show I played...I ended up with a broken heart and a heap of disappointment from a job I really wanted. Will it be different this time? Let's hope and pray that it will be.

change in plans...
Wednesday, September 28, 2005 12:13 a.m.

Bunch of things changed... rescheduling...not sure if it's good or bad...but I'm going with the flow.

My interview was rescheduled to Thursday at 3, my set time for the benefit show was changed to closer to 8, and my poem that was going in to "Subsume" will be going into Lotus now (Subsume may never see the light of day...)

Anyhooo... worked out, read up on my Chicago Manual of Style, and flipped through some of the old stuff I edited.

Went to meet Lynn at Starbucks near HRW and sat and read a while. Had a long talk with Lynn about writing, heartbreak, feeling trapped and numb... I think she might actually be going through a tougher time than I am... nothing really wrong...but just this sense of complacency.

Went to "banc" for a few drinks and some more conversation. Lynn seems to really like me and wants me to meet her circle of friends...I'm always up for meeting new people...but things seem to be snowballing with busyness at the moment... we'll see when I can hang with them. Actually, her friend Susie stopped by and had a drink with us and we talked about AD, DH, and Lost and music... she's pretty cool.

Anyways, home... kinda buzzed and kinda tired too... need to read lots of stuff tomorrow and get ready for interview...and oh yeah... LOST!

Might go to Canada in two weekends, then the My Chemical Romance/Alkaline Trio show with Justin, my mom's bday and then the Faint that following Sunday....who am I gonna take to that show. Dang...I need a hot girl that likes to dance to electrorock... anyone know one?

thoughts on... cereal.
Monday, September 26, 2005 11:52 p.m.

Ok...to combat my insomnia, I thought I'd share a little about cereal.

I am a compulsive cereal mixer. If I have more than one kind of cereal in the house...I will tend to mix it. I have a bowl of Honey Bunches Of Oats, Lucky Charms, and Go Lean Crunch at my side at the moment. I had a banana today already...so I didn't put one in...but usually, if I have some fruit..I'll throw it in there. And once in a while...if I have cookies...I'll toss 'em in there for good measure.

I lost or someone in my family stole my favorite Chinese soup spoon that I eat my cereal with. So...I'm using a big-ass soup ladle...for my big ass bowl of cereal.

My fave cereal of all time...LIFE. Any kind. I love the cereal and the whole concept. I also like Quaker Oat Bran Squares a lot...

I just tend to like breakfast cereal... can't live without it. Could not go on Atkins for the life of me.

Ok, does anyone think this is cute? Does anyone think this is gross or just weird? (Ok, the soup ladle thing is kinda weird....but someone stole my spoon!) I dunno what to think of this.

Seriously, I must sound like some stonerslacker right now...ranting about cereal and how good it is... AHHHHH...cereal!!!

I put skim milk in it because in recent years I've become lactose intolerant ...kinda. And skim seems the safest.

Does anyone love cereal as much as I do right now? This simple pleasure in life...I just want to be able to wake up and share that with someone. Someone who wants to mix healthy Special K with Fruity Pebbles... or Honey Comb and Grape Nuts... Can I please find someone to spell out I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U with Alpha Bits?

yeah...I thought this entry was going to be about cereal too. I think my cereal might get a little bit salty if I keep writing about this. *sniff.

Yeah, I'm a flippin' girl. *see 2 blog entries ago to confirm.

I've got an interview!
Monday, September 26, 2005 08:26 p.m.

The day started out like most. I was up a little earlier though...and then I worked out and went to the bank.

Came home and worked out a little more...and then I take a shower and I find that there is a message on my answering machine. Muze finally calls and I am going to have my interview on Wednesday! It's for the Senior Editor, Books division job...but they may also have some music positions open. I'm going to have to talk to the Managing Editor about it...but I am excited.

I was talking to Eric and he was saying that I might want to look into temp agencies...and I called to see what I could do with all my 401K money...and then...I get this call for an interview.

I'm supposed to take a "book" test...and the HR person said it was multiple choice...I have no idea what this is supposed to be. I thought I'd have to take an editing test...but this sounds like something different. So, I'm just reading up on current stuff, and looking through my bookshelves at the canonical stuff. I mean, I think I know more about music and film than books...and I was an English major too...not sure if that is good or bad.

Anyways, I've got until Wednesday morning to prepare. And I'm going to be reading stuff all day tomorrow.

Arrested Development is still my fave show. Tonight, a new chicken dance! And Charlize Theron and Scott Baio are going to be on soon...and if you didn't get the Andy Griffith joke...um, Ron Howard played "Opie" on the Andy Griffith show when he was little... hence....ahhhhh meta-humor!

Ok...maybe my geekiness will pay off one of these days...I must divert that into book smarts for now, though.

Ok, I'm a girl.
Sunday, September 25, 2005 10:35 p.m.

I don't know how I am going to solve this insomnia problem. It's been going on for a while and I don't know how to end it. I get in bed at 12 or 1...and I can't sleep until like 4 or 5...and it's never restful. I rotate in bed like a dog. My pillows are all scattered in the morning and my blanket is a mess. I just don't know how to get a restful night's sleep... and then I'll either get up too early...or too late. I didn't get up until almost 1 today...and I missed church.

So...I watched like 8 episodes of Desperate Housewives and I worked out all day. That was it...and then I watched the season premiere at 9... so yeah, I got addicted to the show.

I think Marcia Cross is smoking hot. I love redheads. And she's a little stern and bossy...which for some reason I like. Eva Longoria is hot too...but she reminds me a little of a certain someone...I think it's the hair and nails and all the high maintainance stuff... sad, but true. Never again. Teri Hatcher does nothing for me...and Felicity Huffman is just a great actress... and Nicolette Sheridan...well, I can't tell if it's botox or plastic surgery or what...but she just looks really odd to me.

Anyways... my aunt dropped off Chris and Nina's mom and I got to see Alex for a bit. Oh, I was practising a little this afternoon and Nina just came in and said hi...and then she was off.

Chris has been hanging out with his co-worker a little too much. And as always, the rule of "don't sh*t where you eat" applies. I mean, I miss my "office wives" ...Em, I still keep in touch with... but Lisa ...she's just gone. I'm sad that she's like that...when after I quit...she just disappeared. Sucks...but hey, that's her choice.

Well, October is looming and I really need a job. I'm checking the boards every day...and I'm getting to the point where I'll take anything. I still have hope that Muze will call and I'll get an interview...but I need something and soon. I need to move on with my life...and I need a job or I really will be stuck. I'm just in such a weird headpace now... I'm just numb.

And yes, the whole working out thing... it's my own personal "Fight Club" ...I was wearing a blazer yesterday and when we got to the diner, I took it off. Kathleen was like "Holy crap! You got JACKED!"...well, yeah. I'm glad I have all this time to work out and I'm in good shape physically...but emotionally and spiritually...I'm feeling empty.

I just want God to make Himself real in my life...and show me that all of this has a purpose. I want to be sipping a drink on New Year's Eve with a gorgeous girl on my arm and telling her how the worst year of my life...got exponentially better in the last quarter. I want this, I need this. But how? It's all in God's hands.

So, I'm going to really need to brainstorm. What haven't I tried? What else can I do? Should I swallow my pride and go back into ed. publishing and be miserable? Should I hold out for something better?

And then, there's the whole broken heart thing. How am I going to get fixed? Who is going to give me some hope that I'm not going to be lonely for the rest of my life?

Well, all in good time. I know this. Patience, patience, patience. Lord, help me...I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Animation anarchy
Saturday, September 24, 2005 08:02 p.m.

Oh, man...the insomnia really has me in a grip. I didn't get to sleep until almost 5 again...arrgh! I don't know why I keep doing this. And I was up at 10 to meet Kathleen for the New Yorker Animation talk.

Went to 57th street and met up with Kathleen. We were on the line early so we went in and got front row seats! Matt and Dave from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Trey and Matt from South Park...and I forgot all about this: Brad Bird from The Incredibles, Iron Giant, and the Simpsons.

Really good talk about the animation process and filled with hilarious clips from their respective works. I got a bunch of great pics. I'll load them to my FLICKR page. See the link on the left.

I even got to ask them a question about celebrity voice work... who said no or who they liked working with. They all thought Tom Cruise was gay...and Alec Baldwin was played by someone else in Team America.

Anyways...we went to the Brooklyn Diner for some awesome burgers and caught up with stuff at work. I'm so glad I left that evil place...and I really believe they are evil. They just crank out these books and have no regard for what these kids are getting. Just sad.

Went home... just exhausted. Did laundry, worked out, watched more Desperate Housewives...wow...I sound super-gay.

Chris and Fred are home. Just hanging out and watching tv... I'm exhausted. And I have to try to stay up so I can actually be tired enough to sleep tonight. Ugh...oy vey.

Ok...October. If I don't get a job soon I am going to have to try to get a job at McDonald's....something...anything.

Ugh...I'm beat.

I'm not a loser....so there.
Friday, September 23, 2005 11:49 p.m.

Yeah, it's Friday night. Yeah, it's been three months since my heart was broken...again...and Yeah...I didn't go out tonight and I'm fine with it.

I spent the day finishing Wonderfalls and working out. Just puttered around and lifted weights. I've been taking like 3 showers a day lately because I get bored and decide to work out more and more throughout the day.

Didn't really do much of anything else...besides practice a little and iron out the details of that benefit show I am playing next Sunday.

Went to Pathmark with my mom and got some groceries for my grandparents. Came home and cleaned out my closets (yo, like Eminem!...ok maybe not) and discovered that I can actually fit in the shirt I bought from HK in 2000.. a shirt I never could wear before...so wow...I guess this must be the thinnest I've been since then? Who knows.

Found out that one of my internet buddies showed one of his "hot friends" my blog. GREAT. So, there is some mysterious hot girl out there (REVA! You will always be my hottest internet stalker! But your married so you kinda don't count anymore :P) reading my blog...thinking I am a total dweeb. The thing is...I treat my blog as basically a list of events...and my "bitch board" ...basically me whining. Yes, this is an important aspect of what Abe-ness entails...but at the same time this really isn't all there is. I'm much more charming and cute in real life... right?! So..."Ann" (or "Anne) if I ever do meet you in real life...rest assured...the blog isn't really the whole kit'n'caboodle. For serious! (Wow...I haven't said that since Lucia days...)

Anyhooo...I'm trying to keep positive and just move on with my life. I can feel things changing...as autumn sets in...I can tell that things are not going to be the same. I just hope that means I'm getting a job soon...and I'll have a hot girl to make out with forthwith and anon.

Make it so.

So...I'm going to that South Park/Aqua Teen Hunger Force talk with Kathleen tomorrow. Then Sunday...maybe church (if I can get up) and then tea with Carrie (the ed. of Lotus) and then...who knows.

As Jaye (from Wonderfalls) says: "I am fate's bitch." I'm just gonna ride this and see what happens. Good things, soon? Dang straight. Good things, soon!

Wonderfalls!
Thursday, September 22, 2005 10:12 p.m.

Sigh...this insomnia must get under control soon. I didn't go to sleep until 5 again...and then I was up at 1:30...ugh! How did I get back on this weird jetlag schedule again?

Anyways, Wonderfalls is just great. It's just a really cute show...and my crush on Caroline Dhavernas (the "s" is silent) is intensifying. Jaye is so close to my ideal girl...just snarky, sarcastic, strong, with a good heart...and oh yeah...the brunette with blue/green eyes things. So sad that there is only 13 episodes...arrgh.

Worked out...and then confirmed the gig for next Sunday! The Delancey... playing a very short set around 9...but it should be fun...rooftop BBQ and Djs and live music...for a good cause... Katrina victims and for South Africa.

Other than that...just trying to keep busy. I started writing a short memoir-ish piece...and applied to a few jobs. I'm just hoping that things cahnge...NOW THAT IT IS OFFICIALLY AUTUMN! Time for change, right? Good things, finally?

Bsy weekend ahead... lunch with Grace tomorrow, animation talk on Saturday with Kathleen, tea with Carrie on Sunday... so... lots of stuff to keep me busy. Life goes on...and I'm hanging on for something to shake me out of this pit... there's gotta be light at the top of the hatch.

get LOST!
Wednesday, September 21, 2005 09:54 p.m.

Yeah...I got up late. All the insomnia caught up with me and I slept until almost 1:30 today. Yipes.

Got up, ate, watched some Desperate Housewives, worked out a little...and then went to Costco with my mom.

My mom has been staying up late to watch all of LOST season one...and she was all psyched to watch the premiere tonight. Too cute. Got some grub at Costco and had a 10 dollar coupon for Fox dvds...so I got Wonderfalls for only 17 bucks! I can't wait to see all the episodes I missed... Jaye (Catherine Dhavernas) is just...sigh. Why can't I meet someone like her?

Anyways...the LOST premiere was good...but it was waaaay too short. What happened to the guys on the raft? And Desmond... ok...so now we know there is some biosphere down there...so is there some underground bunch of people preparing for the apocalypse or what? Sigh... more questions. Must wait a whole week...arrrgh!

Talked to Romana for a bit... she's got a few things stressing her out right now. I'm not sure how other people feel about this...but I think once you get engaged...you are more than sane to move in together... in the end...it's between two people and God... and come on, it's like the year 2005. Yes, I can see the opposition to it...but on a case by case basis...and seeing the extenuating circumstances...it would make sense for her and Cliff to just move in... but yeah...I can see reasons for not doing it also...

Anyways, still hanging in there... fall officially begins tomorrow night...and I have high hopes that the change in season will bring some good changes in my life...it must... to every season...turn, turn, turn...nes pas?

Ok...I'm a dork...but that's all I've really got going nowadays.

another weird day
Tuesday, September 20, 2005 10:58 p.m.

man, I couldn't sleep again. I wasn't unconscious until 5 in the morning...and it was not a restful sleep either. I was up by 10 and went to Best Buy to get some stuff.

Problems on the train...took me nearly an hour to get there. Lucky I had Sandman tpb with me. Got "Desperate Housewives" (with my coupon and discount...it was only 25 bucks!) and the new Coheed and Cambria album...which is really good...but it sounds kind of similar to their other albums.

Anyways...came home and tried to take a nap...but couldn't... watched some DH and got ready for the 85Broads function.

Gloria and Eunice didn't end up going...so I went by myself. The Asia Society is HUGE and gorgeous. I'll have to see if they are hiring. Grace was super busy manning the guest tables so I barely got to talk to her.

So I go sit down with my glass of wine and this girl sits at the table with me. Pretty cute girl named Anna from LA...just got here not too long ago and is working at a tequila company doing advertising. She was definitely in networking mode and wanted to meet some powerful women...anyways...we talked a bit and turns out she is doing a benefit concert for Katrina...so I give her a CD and she says that the singer/songwriter she wanted to play... dropped out...so I might be playing on Oct. 2nd!

Anyways...she went to network more...and then this OTHER girl sits down and starts talking to me. Turns out this girl is a model: Summer Rayne Oakes...and she is just brilliant. She went to Cornell and started her own company that is involved in socially conscious fashion...menaing humanitarian and environmentally friendly...and she has backing from Aveda and other big companies... pretty impressive.

Anyways...we head down to hear the presentation... and Anna sits with me...turns out she goes to church...went to Redeemer for a while and is goint to Morningside now...cool.

John Whitehead and this other woman were the guest of honor. All Goldman Sachs folks...anyways... really impressive humanitarian and economic efforts in Butan, Afghanistan, and Kenya...this 85Broads (play on Goldman Sachs address) is really impressive. I can see why Grace was so psyched to work there... anyways...said my goodbyes and headed home... crazy guy on subway notwithstanding...it was a good day.

Carrie, the ed from Lotus called and we are gonna meet up on Sunday to talk poetry...and I'm not sure if she made me an offer to work at the magazine? 400 bucks a month as an editor? hmmm.....might be a good side job...must discuss more with her.

Rock Star Inxs finale...JD?!?!? Awww come on! It was because they gave Marty a crappy song and they gave JD "What You Need"...crap.

Last night..I had this one moment of hopefulness... in my delirium...I saw myself walking into a new office and seeing myself working for a place I really enjoyed... it was just a brief vision...but it gave me some hope. I just want that to come true... now, the girl stuff...that can follow later.

Ok...I am really beat and sleep deprived...I feel hot and feverish...ugh... wonder if tomorrow will have any more good surprises? Let's keep hope alive.

heck, LOST season premiere tomorrow...one thing to look forward to.

what an up and down day...
Monday, September 19, 2005 08:57 p.m.

Man...talk about highs and lows...just woke up and felt terribly depressed...the thoughts running through my head and just the visceral feeling of loss and disappointment...it just got to me. I thought that going to the gym with Nina would make me feel better...but it really didn't.

Ran and did some weights at Dolphin. Guest pass...but I can't go back...and that gym was kinda scuzzy anyways. Went to Target afterwards and picked up some goods. Just feeling crappy and reflective on all the things I've had to deal with. Just terrifies me that I'm still thinking about it... I just want to move on.

One thing to add about Tim Keller's sermon. He was saying that this woman once told him that a psychotherapist wanted her to throw herself into her work instead of her abusive relationships...and she was like...why would I want to replace a traditionally female idol with a male one... when we worship something, whether a career or a job...we ultimately will get disappointed. We have to be able to say "you are not my life." The woman said she wanted to say to a man "I think you are great and I wouldn't mind marrying you...but you are not my life."...

Anyways, I get home and workout more and finish up LOST...talk to Gary for the first time in awhile...and talk to Gloria a little bit too...and then I get this wacky email from the ed of this new magazine ...and apparently I won the poetry prize!

Anyhoo...the ed is a riot...I wonder if she's offended anyone...here's the email she wrote...if you can make sense of it:

"SLEEPY ALLEN TIME!! SLEEPY ALLEN TIME!! With entente cordiale and intrepid serendipitous subconscious zen palate, punctilio, I announce to you the latest winner of the Lotus enterprise (*this Asian hipsters thing is running this rap shit**wacky whites too! to Emily hothead Gordon and Susan Brennan of the first stripe, a million roses, naughty-naughty!) Oh,immenso giubilo, let's make a deal, chaim is short my friends(Bellow, you know, Li-Young Lee, my personal hero, told me to read him) and we must give a loud applause for Abe Chang, animus anime of the yellow set,who turned in a brilliant set of 3 poems last night! Way to go, young buckeroo! I chewed on the cud for a whole 10 minutes, and had no idea what it meant and then gave it a thumbs up! Naughty-naughty!What can we say, what can say, the Chinese really have it, guts, you know, and I don't eat no monkey brain. Naughty-naughty! Knock me out, honey-child and write more poems to Lotus, where the sleepy flowers fade quiescent like floral floridities on high. Naughty-naughty! peace to thee like a bodhi tree, And now Dharma: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dowager Lust runnels of thread, on this painted scrim, white toes peaking out like a seasoned buddha, I paint my own dream with an ecclesiastical palette, avaunt the Dharma, color-conscious mind seeping into zen fog, the frissons of my hair cover me like a jade-comb, cumbersome, and brittle-blue. End of Dharma (Allen, and 60's, you know) Ah-mi-to-fu Have you had your share of lemon chicken today?!! I do (*white folk suck* (*in general I mean*)"

And there's more: " Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia, SlEEPY ALLEN TIME is blithely rockin' up the whole schaboodle with superstars like Laurie Siegel (a bonafide jew, with that deft Allen touch!), and d. cricket (something, uh, something, I can't spell, I'm dyslexic, she's amazing**) with a pen like, er, thunder (laughed loudly cricket!) and of course messianic Abe with that kewel surname ya just gotta love, chang, chang, chang! Ya just gotta join in folks, the bagels are hot hot hot (Allen, you know), and we're in for it, I'm taking the NYU to the planet Mars, where the sleepy keepers are like busily and stealthily drumming up a game plan for *FAME*! I repeat, *FAME* FYI, there will be an opening party in Soho for Lotus in December, and my parents are letting me buy a 3-bedrom house in the West Village in January so we can party-hearty like the hip bards we are!! Naughty-naughty! Plan for parties, poetic word explosion, etc, et rigmarole, my friend! naughty-naughty! Ta-ta!"

But in the end it was this: " Abe,man, Here's the prize: $50, a guarantee showing in Lotus, free entry to the Lotus opening night (will be in Soho in December) and a free matcha tea on me at Zazen at 2 and 9 in the Village. Let's knock heads. Gotta run! ciao-babio,"

And the season premiere of "Arrested Development"...these things cheered me up some... but man, I'm tired and still kind of feeling sad. Good news is going to snowball...I can feel it.

ooh...I did read in my horoscope on Sunday that something that I thought had little value would be worth something in the coming weeks...eep...those old poems I submitted??? Creeepy!!! Bah...

Anyways, I have faith that things will start looking up soon... hey, the fall officially begins in a few days...and this awful summer will really be over... and I hope as the leaves start falling...the bad things will wither and decay...and I'll get a new lease on life. I'm hoping, praying, counting the days...

long day...
Sunday, September 18, 2005 09:15 p.m.

Had another one of those panic attacks. This time it kept me up and I was drifting in and out of sleep all night. I'm so tired of this. When are things going to be ok? When will the memories fade? When will I look forward to waking up and doing something productive? I'm just...tired.

Went to church with Eric and Tim Keller was back for the first time in a long time. His sermon really hit home...and probably would have been even better three months ago. Basically, he said that we all worship something or someone...that idols are never removed...just replaced. And the only thing that will keep us from placing value in things, relationships, and ephemeral objects...is Christ. And when we lose "good things" we are saddened....but when we lose "ultimate things"...we are paralyzed... so how do I live this? How do I go on and survive when the good things/ ultimate things are lost... I think you know the answer...but how is that made real in my life? How do I live day to day with the knowledge that God loves me...that He cares and that things will work out for the best in the future? It's all a matter of time and relying on grace and mercy...these huge things that are so hard to describe...but absolutely necessary.

Met up with Amy and said hi to her folks...the first time I've seen her in awhile...and things are going well for her. I'm so glad that things have gotten better. And we joke around and kid... and we have hope that things will continue to get better.

Came home and got ready for the huge family shindig. Got a chance to just relax a little and then everyone went to Flushing for dinner. It's still really hard for me to go there...just the memories and thoughts that creep in...they still get to me.

Dinner was good...but it just felt really rushed and the waiter said that we had got clams and that he cleaned the plates...and we did not. That just pissed me off! He really should have apologized.

Anyways... Eric is fat and happy...and he got the "fat talk" from my grandma...but man, I would rather be fat and happy than where I am right now. I'm happy for hime and the things that are going well...and with all my cousins...but I can't help but want to be there too...when I feel loved and can love someone like that... where I have a glimpse of a possible future... that just seems so far away from me at the moment... and I can't help but be saddened at the events that have occurred.

The last thing I want to do is revert back to the way I used to feel pre-Taiwan. The last thing I want is to feel lost again...but I know those whispers and thoughts that creep in are still so hard to fight. And I have to admit...I'm scared. When I'm tired, when I have too much time to think, when people are celebrating the joys of working and being in love... I am reminded of what I lost...and it hurts.

So please, pray for me and my broken heart...and my broken spirit. I have my good days...and I have my bad days. But I haven't given up hope. I will continue to try to be the best person I can be...but I can't do it alone. I look up for my salvation...and I look around for my support.

Thanks for your prayers and your kind words. Thanks for the booze too. Keep it coming.

I'll get through this. I have to. Help me say goodbye to these grey days... I want something bright...and soon.

my baby!
Saturday, September 17, 2005 07:49 p.m.

Yeah...he's 15 today. I can't believe I used to hug and kiss him and change his diapers and now he's this big thing... sheesh. Wow. Time really does fly sometimes.

Ran, watched LOST, went to my folks for noodles with the grandparents and watched more LOST. My mom is so hooked on this show now...and then Eric came home...and ok, he got fat. And then Justin came home.

Got some chicken and a small ice cream cake for Justin and then we came to my place and just watched tv and ate. I'm still feeling really tired and kind of sick for some weird reason. Not sure what it is.

I keep seeing this silver Celica with Illinois plates in my neighborhood...everytime I see it...my heart just skips a beat...and then I just feel so sad.

Yeah...another weekend... it's always the hardest when I have this free time to think. I'm just so tired.

Had a long talk with Eunice last night about stuff like this. We both need to get to the point where we just don't think about the other person at all. Where we just don't care...it's so hard...but sometimes the only way to move on is for the other person to be "dead to you."....I never asked for it... of course I wanted to be with her...but it isn't my choice... so, it has to be this way. And I still mourn.

And with my cousins in LA and Canada getting engaged and Eric getting closer and closer...I'm just mourning for myself while I try to be hapy for them. Will my time ever come? Will I ever find some semblence of happiness that lasts? I really don't know. I'm scared to think that I won't...and if I ever do...could I trust it?

What happens to the broken and the burned? Just have to live...and hope for the best.

sigh...just sigh.
Friday, September 16, 2005 09:28 p.m.

Got up later than usual...and I was uncnscious by 11:30 last night...so basically I think I slept nearly 12 hours. Not sure why I'm so tired lately...

Worked out and applied for a job at Disney today. Watched LOST on dvd... that was basically it. I'm thinking of just rearranging my room again...and just trying to change things up considering I have the time and no money.

Went home for dinner with the folks and Justin...well...he has a bit of a secret... yeah, but seems like he keeps telling people everyday... sigh. To be young again.

My dad got busted for yelling at HIS mom... I can't believe he goes on and on...and he does the same thing...ugh.

Anyways...I got my mom into LOST...she watched the first episode and I think she's hooked now. Cute.

So, I'm home on a Friday...and I really have no choice in the matter. I am broke beyond broke and I'm just feeling...numb. I don't even feel crappy anymore. I don't want to...and what's the point.

I may have an interview lined up for next week... waiting to hear definite news soon. But at least there's a glimmer of hope.

And the whole relationship thing...I'm going to give up on it for the time being. I mean, yes...I'm lonely and bored...but I really need to get a job before I can realistically move on and do anything about that. And yes, I do miss her still... and yes, sometimes when it's quiet I feel like yelling or screaming...or just having myself a good cry... like Debra on Everybody Loves Raymond.

No, I don't want your pity.

I do want a job lead...or an introduction to an independently wealthy, brilliant, gorgeous gal pal. Those would be nice.

So, what am I going to do besides the usual? I'm really not sure. I need to get back to writing and stop feeling so sorry for myself. I really could use a pick me up...

Yeah, I could use a little help. Little help? Anyone?

Still..TGIF, kids. Amen to that.

busy again....
Thursday, September 15, 2005 08:52 p.m.

Ok...I don't know if I had a fever or if I've been overdoing it with the workouts or waht...but I just felt like I was burning up and I was just sore...could not sleep until almost 5 am and I do no not feel well rested at all.

Dad called and told me Justin got a callback. So I showered, changed and went to get him again. On the bus to the subway he saw one of his friends...and was like...DANG, that guy is too old to be in high school...duh!

Got a big mamma Jamaba Juice...it wasn't as good as I remembered them to be in LA... and it took a long time for Justin to get in the room... but there were a lot of kids who got called back...so not sure if he has a good shot or not.

Came home and applied to a job at Zagat's... and ordered tex mex with Chris again. I'm just really tired and feeling sick today...also the rain just got to me and I was feeling depressed and thinking of someone I shouldn't be thinking of...

Some days...I just want someone to break my heart so I can forget about her. Replacing pain with a different kind of pain? WTF is wrong with me?

And yeah...I'm trying to keep positive...but every day is a struggle. I just want to curl up and sleep...but not dream.

Been re-reading Sandman again...the Endless: Dream, Desire, Despair, Destiny, Destruction, Delirium, Death... and which one do you think would be closest to me now... yeah...I picked that one too.

Chin up, young man...things have to get better...it's slow going...but hey, it's still going, right?

busy day!
Thursday, September 15, 2005 01:26 a.m.

wow...I am totally wiped. What a day...I'm beat. Got up and worked out a little and it was almost time to pick up Justin from school already.

Got that steak anc cheddar sammich at Dunkin Donuts that the ads made look so good...it wasn't. I walked all the way to FL and was all sweaty. Waited for Justin to go... dang some of those HS girls are sooooo tall and cute. No wonder teachers get in trouble. If I saw some of those girls in a bar...I'd think they were in their 20s!! Sheeesh.

Went to the city and to the Nintendo audition. Turns out it was for Mario DDR! Justin thought he did pretty well. I got him some Wendy's and put him on the 7 train...I had to go home and get showered and changed.

Went to Vig Bar and met up with Yvette and her cousin Suehyun. Yvette just squealed when she saw me...she thought I looked really good. And she was a little touchy feely all night. I blame the alcohol. Suehyun was really cool...and she is going to forward my resume to her old boss at Nylon where she interned. Had a few drinks and waited for Kumud.

Glad to have the three of use together again. Went to Joe Shanghai's kinda late and had some good food. All in all...it was a good time. Yvette was super chatty... but I guess that's good? Kumud is doing well...so proud of her. Had a good chat with Suehyun about work and crazy Korean girls on the train ride home...hahah!

I also think the pics of me don't do me justice. I think in 3D space you can tell how much weight I lost...it's like a tree trunk that lost a couple of rings, ya know? And my head isn't going to get much smaller...big skull...sheesh!

Ok...I have no money. I'm gonna be staying in and cleaning and working out for the next few days...sigh...anyone want to come over and keep me company?

You wanted photos?
Wednesday, September 14, 2005 12:52 a.m.

I'm not the most photogenic person in the world...heck...I'm not photogenic AT ALL! UGH!

But here be pics from Taiwan and elsewhere/when:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/abechang76/

I'll make a link on the sidebar too.

it's kinda like fight club...
Tuesday, September 13, 2005 10:48 p.m.

The day just started with a load of stuff. Grace is applying for another volunteer position...on top of working for a non-profit, she is applying to volunteer on Saturdays. I was her personal reference and I gave her a glowing review when the woman from the organization called. I felt honored that Grace would want me as her personal reference...well, naturally...since I do think so highly of her.

Working out ...yes, again. And I'm starting to realize that it is a little like Fight Club. I just don't want to deal with a lot of the numbing things in my life right now...so I'm taking it out on my body. I'm just tight and achy all the time...but it's definitely a good hurt. I don;t think I've ever been this muscle-y in my life. And seriously, lighting matters. Ever notice that under flurorescent lights...things look really different? So, if you haven't seen me in a few weeks...next time I see you...I should look a lot buffer...heck...next week I should. I've been doing over 500 curls a day...and other stuff. ARRRGH! PAIN IS GOOD!

Anyways...I pre-ordered LOST season one...and it came without the Best Buy exclusive disc...ARRGH! So I had to exchange it...

But before I went...I finished up my first draft of my Naruto weapons article and sent it in...and guess what...they dug it. No rewrites! WOOOO!

Anyways, when Chris got back I borrowed his unlimited metrocard and went to Best Buy for the exchange...apparently I was the third person today to do this...grrr!

Home..and Chris ordered Tex Mex for me...awesome! Ate and watched Rock Star:Inxs...I think it's going to be Marty...Mig is too Broadway-y and J.D. is an ass and doesn't have the vocal chops...Suzie messes up lyrics all the time...and honestly, yeah...she's a girl... it's not gonna work.

Meeting up with Yvette, Kumud, Yvette's sisterinlawtobe Grace, and Yvette's cousin...Suehyun...ack! Close but no cigar... still...

Anyways, have to take Justin in to the city for his NINTENDO commercial audition!!! He's gotta dress like a nerd and dance around...we are going to bring "Yeah!" by Usher and "Canned Heat" Jamiroquai (the "Napolean Dynamite" song...yeah, my idea.) ...hope he gets it...he really needs to get a commercial soon...

Sigh...busy day... keeps me occupied and thinking of things that I should be thinking about. Man, can I get some love and a job already? (And yeah, Reva...I agree with you. And yes, if you weren't a married woman...and if you were in NY...lookoutmamma!)

Someone help me. I need it. Pray for this sinner.

woke up this morning...
Monday, September 12, 2005 11:27 p.m.

Got up kind of late today. Nina had the day off...but she slept in a little and then did laundry. I worked on my Anime Insider article a bit... and just cleaned up and played some guitar.

We were going to go the gym...but then it got too late. So we just went to the bank, got some gas, picked up Naruto from Justin's collection...and came back.

Chris came home and we ordered some tex mex...and we ended up watching 7 eps. in a row! GAH! That's a lot of Tony Soprano and Adriana's IBS... hahah...poor Ade.

Worked out at home and that was pretty much it. I need to get the first draft of my article done sometime tomorrow night. I'm almost half way there...so it's ok.

AND...that girl emailed me... she wants to "kick it again"... too cute! But alas, what can I do. I guess we can be friends. Again, it just did me some good to go out and be able to meet someone and just flirt my arse off...and be good at it too. Well, as good as I can manage...heh.

And Reva, you aren't nuts...her bfriend is just a guest musician that's played viola with them. So you were right!

Anyhooo...got the perms papers from that school district...so my poem is going to be paired with one of Pat Mora's...and 9th graders are gonna get tested...heh.

Sigh...same mission...need to get a job...and one day a nice girl. Can anyone help me on either of these???

Another day... more working out, more writing, more praying.

Part two.
Sunday, September 11, 2005 04:19 p.m.

Ok...the start of a long night. I get to Lucia's place at almost 1130 and climb the 5 flights of stairs to her apt. Nice digs actually.

I talk to Lucia for a little while and check out all her neat books she got for school. Check out the apartment and catch up. (Pray for her mom. Some health problems.) And yes, I did miss the Lucia. And she looks great.

And if Lucia says I lost weight and look good...then it must be true. And the GUNS! HAHAHHA.

Anyways, head up to the roof with Joan, Tim, and Maya... and we just talk. Joan and Tim play clarinet and Maya is an oboe player...and they were all just really cool. Talked about the frustrations of being classical musicians when you want to rock...and just about living in NYU and what music they liked. Got a chance to talk to Joan more. She's really cool. I really like her...good going Lucia! She even said that she normally doesn't like rock music...but she really dug my stuff when she came to see me play. wooo!

Anyways, I seemed to really hit it off with Maya...or at least I think I did. She's 22, from USC, studying music now, her parents are Latino but she doesn't speak much Spanish, and I think she is sooo hot. Just cute little brunette. (Yes, my type)...so I end up talking to her a bit and she tells me her boyfriend is the viola player in Yellowcard! Crap.

But...long distance...who knows how long that lasts. And she will be in NY for two years at least. And then she was so cute..."can we hang out even if I have a boyfriend?" AWW....of course!

Anyways, she might be the touchyfeely type...but she seemed to be pretty tocuhy all night. Which I don't mind. And one thing leads to another and I end up giving her a back rub. And you know my back rubs lead me to trouble (and if you haven't had one... that might be for the best. I'm serious.)...in any case...I have this one thing that I do... that apparently she really, really liked. She was sitting in front of me and then she just leans back on my shoulder and is just blissed out. Dang. Glad to be of service.

I told her to break up with her boyfriend... and she was like.."you know, I actually dated an Asian guy once"...oooh! BUT...of course she is still with a guy at the moment...and I can only think of her as a friend. I kissed her on the forehead and cheek a couple of times...and she did the same...

Well, we'll see if she emails me or what. I got her number and she has mine. Her sister is supposed to visit and she wanted us to hang out. So, we'll see.

But if I never see her again...at least I've built up my self-confidence. I can be such a flirt sometimes...but people that really know me...they never get to see that. I can be pretty goshdarn charming given the right environment....

Anyways...I get home at 430 and make myself puke. I didn't eat dinner last night...so it made things worse. Ugh.

And then...I made myself puke again this morning. Talked to Doris and Eunice a bit...and then ate some greasy food. It really helps!

Mom came over with groceries, then my aunts and the kids came over to check out an apt. for sale. Chris, Nina, and my aunt might move across the building. Nice place too.

Ugh...I'm still really tired and just supersleepy. Ugh. I'm beat. Life is so funny...and yes, we are still alive. Thank God. Still time for us to change and be changed. That's a miracle for you.

Weekend: two part blog--Part 1
Sunday, September 11, 2005 03:48 p.m.

Just taking a moment to remember and pray for those who have suffered on this day. NYers are resilient.

Ok... I'm still pretty hungover. I puked twice. Ugh. And you know I never do that. Anyways... what a night. First, I dropped by to say hi to Doris...and we ended up yelling at each other over a silly misunderstanding... in the end, I still don't think we understand fully what we are trying to say...but I have to stick by my gut instinct in the whole relationship thing.

Basically, I think if you meet someone and don't feel any real spirals of connection, then the second meeting or anything after that has to come in a natural environment...meaning at some kind of neutral event where the focus isn't on person A and person B "getting to know each other"...

For example, A and B both kind of know that they are meeting to see if there is anything there to pursue. After the first meeting (with a mutual friend in tow) ...A and B don't necessarily connect right away...then Person A and Person B don't have any obligation to meet on their own.

So, if person A and person B happen to meet again...it should be under the premise of a group event where "person A hanging out with person B isn't the focus" ie. a mutual friend's birthday party where there are lots of other people and person A happens to run into person B.

BUT if person A and person B do happen to think they have a lot in common after their first meeting...then they should by all means meet on their own if they want.

Ok...this just makes it sound way more technical than it has to be...but seriously, I think if you meet someone and after the first meeting you don't feel that certain "gotta know this person better" vibe (whether you are attracted to them, whether you have a lot in common, etc...) then there really isn't a reason to go OUT OF YOUR way to hang out with the person again.

BUT if let's say...you hang out at first and it's just "eh....no sparks" but then you happen to see the person at a "neutral event" (big party, dinner thing, etc...) and you hang out again WITHOUT THE PRETENSE THAT IT'S A "SET UP" and you start thinking the person is pretty cool and just needed more time to get to know them...then by all means...there is always the possibility for something to grow out of that.

Bottomline is... I NEVER rule any possibility out after meeting someone only once. Of course not. People are complex and have a lot to offer.

BUT if I meet someone only once and I don't get a sense of a mutual attraction/connection...I'm not going to go out of my way to hang out with the person again. I just don't have the time or the willingness to make the effort.

BUT if there is that "neutral event" and the person is there... well, then it's something more NATURAL and UNFORCED...and then, hey...why not... get to know the person on neutral ground and then I might see something there... who knows.

Anyways...whew...I'm not sure if that clears that up...but I don't think it's really that complicated. Nor does it have to be. Sometimes it's just ZAP...and you know you want to know this person better. Sometimes they just become really fast friends that you just love to hang out with( Gloria is a perfect example. I met her at one of Cindy's dinners and we just became good friends right off the bat because we had a lot of shared interests)...and sometimes it has "potential"...sigh...not going to go into that.

Anyways...whatever. A lot of this is semantics. In the end it's simple. Two people... if both people have a vested interest...then it works. Easy? Heck no.

So, hung out with Doris a bit and tried to get this point across...the more I think about it ...the more I think set ups are a bad idea...there are just preconceived notions on both ends...I really think that the whole "house party" thing is the best way for people to meet more naturally. Eh...what can you do. But it was good to see Doris... starting her teaching job and everything...it's just been a good change for her.

Ended up heading towards Lucia's at 11:00...ok... this is when it gets interesting... to be continued.

weekend dilemma
Saturday, September 10, 2005 05:08 p.m.

Got up kinda early and just watched Sopranos and Scrubs...yeah...I finished the whole season in like 3 days. I need something to do.

Worked out some more and watched "Million Dollar Baby"... I thought it was good...but I think it was overrated also.

Still deciding if I want to trek all the way to the upper East side to go to Lucia's thing. Right now, I'm thinking I will. It's just that the weekends are so hard for me. I have more time to think and I always end up remembering how things used to be. The excitement I'd feel...and now ...I don't know if anyone is ever going to be able to make me feel that way again. I don't know if it's her I miss...or the idea of her...maybe it's a bit of both.

All I know is that I need some more time to get my life together. I just want things to speed up already. I'm just tired and lonely.

I'm praying that God sends me an answer for all these things soon. And in light of 9/11...it's a good time to pray and to reflect on what really matters. I've lived a good life... with loads of mistakes, I know. But I've always tried to treat people the way I wanted to be treated. I've tried to live by that Golden Rule...and I'm just hoping I get some grace and mercy from the human beings around...

So, I'm going to spend tomorrow with my family...and clean out my closets and donate some stuff to Katrina victims. I've got a ton of clothes that I'm sure they could use.

It's hard to love and be loved sometimes...but it's what we are meant to do. I'm trying hard not to let my heart grow cold...but it's been difficult.

Maybe we all need some everyday heroes in our lives...the kind that can save us from ourselves.

malaise days...
Friday, September 9, 2005 11:23 p.m.

A lot of the same old same old... more working out and just watched SCRUBS all day. Not much else. My toilet got repaired and I went home for dinner with the folks. eh.

It's Chris' bday...he's out right now... Happy B-day, Opher!

Got my assignment from Anime Insider...short piece on weapons used in Naruto. Should be fun...but I need to do a little research. I'll get cracking on it tomorrow.

Other than that... I'm just feeling generally crappy. I'm tired and a little sad...just want things to work out right...I'm a patient person...but I tend to get hurt...alot. And I'm tired of always being on the mend...I just want things to magically be ok. I want God to just surprise me with some every day miracles.

I'm tired of this struggle to get better. I'm just tired. And moody. And occasionally...sad.

I just need someone to be in my corner... like, really be in my corner and just hold my hand through this.

Or someone to just make out with. I don't know anymore.

dinner...and some revelations
Thursday, September 8, 2005 11:52 p.m. h6> Ok...I seriously need to lock up my credit card. I should not be spending money...but I saw Sopranos Season 5 for 35 bucks less than I've seen it...and I had to pick it up... ugh. Sorry.

Got in to the city early so I wandered around the West Village some... I was on Christopher Street...and it was so um...interesting...to see these three thugged out guys in do-rags playing grabass with each other. Hey, you gotta love NYC.

Had an iced coffee and called Amy...talked a bit. Said hi to Eric...and just wandered around on my own...trying to be ok... on my own.

Nicole was a little late...and I had no idea what Ming looked like...so I waited outside looking for a single Asian girl looking lost...turns out she was inside while I was on the phone and sitting in a blind spot.

Anyhoo...I thought she was ok...pretty cute. But no "sparks"...I tend to like really outgoing and chatty girls... that tend to be a little off center in some way (ok, not crazy...) girls that just have a je ne se quois... I can't even specify... it's just...I know it when I see it.

And it's never the same thing. If you look at my dating history and the types of girls I've liked...they are all really, really different. I just tend to like the really chatty types who are passionate about something.

In any case, we had a good time. I love Nicole because she is so open, friendly, and knows how to keep a conversation going. I had this amazing filet mignon that you cooked on a stone slab by yourself...so it was like...raw...and cooking and you just sliced and ate.

We all shared some dessert and they gave us free crabcake appetizers and free Portugese egg custard (like Chinese "dan tahs" ...just good stuff. Alfama...I recommend it.

But on the way home I realized...I'm not ready for a woman in my life. At least not yet...and when I am...I'm not going to settle. I'm not going to jump at the next pretty face or sassy gal that even has a bit of interest in me.

I don't want to say I am "damaged goods"...but I really think it is going to take a heck of a woman to get me to trust anyone ever again. And she's going to have to be just amazing.

I'm tired of being burned and I'm unwilling to just try and force anything to happen. I'm worth more than that. I have a world of good to offer someone...but only when I am dang good and ready...and she is dang good and worth it.

So, hey...if you know someone that is going to rock my world and you think I could rock hers... let me know.

I'm going to wait for the package deal...I want the sweet, passionate girl who is a real looker...I want the girl with a heart of gold...but is willing to walk on the wild side a bit. I want the responsible level-headed piece of finery that loves her family, loves babies, loves dogs and is willing to love a shlub of a guy with a fire inside. I want the girl that is going to make me happy...really. And I;m going to marry the sh*t outta her!

Ha. Bear with me and my nuttiness. I'm slowly getting better...and yes, learning to love yourself...may be the greatest love of all (Yes, thanks Grace. It's cheesy but true.)

With that said... Anime Insider called and I've got an assignment! Will have to call tomorrow and see what's up...and I may have to forsake some weekend plans if I have a tight deadline.

Scrubs!
Thursday, September 8, 2005 04:28 p.m.

Ok...I can't tell you how much I love this show. I can't believe I never watched it before. I think Sarah Chalke (why can't I meet someone that is socially awkward and adorable??) is so cute...and the writing and the improv stuff...just hilarious. And the fact that they used "A Little Respect" as a joke...and it's the Asian doctor that requests it... awesomeness.

Just worked out all day... not losing any weight...but I figure it's all the muscle that I've been putting on. Not much else...

May go to Lucia's party on Saturday...but it's Chris and Niu's bday...so not sure if the family has anything planned. Anyhoo...

Getting ready to go and have dinner with Nicole and Ming...low expectations... but hey...keeping my mind open. Heck, I just need to meet some new people and forget about the past...time to move on.

As always...more later.

city fun...
Wednesday, September 7, 2005 11:40 p.m.

So I went out to the city and killed some time... Grace was running a little late so I went to Best Buy... which I haven't been to in ages... and I picked up Scrubs: Season one...and I had an expired 10percent off coupon... that they still let me use.. boooyakashaa!

Wandered around and got a few comics...yeah...I just needed a little something...and walked from 57th to Times Square...and back again.

Got to Grace's at 8 and we were ordering sushi and drinking wine in no time flat. She's starting a non-profit job on Monday...and I've never seen her so passionate about anything...it's just amazing. Not only is she smart, hot, and level-headed...she's a saint. She even offered to loan me some money until I get a job. So, the question is...why won;t she marry me?

In any case, we caught up a little and enjoyed the view from the rooftop. But we were both tired so I was out of there by 1030. I'm beat. I got a lot of exercise today... running, weights, loads of walking... so yeah, I'm pretty wiped.

Dinner with Nicole and the mysterious Ming tomorrow. Got the email to the boss at Muze...and I'm just going to have to sit tight.

Summer is over... so I'm expecting good things any day now...yup, any day... Oh, Lord...help me.

I say "flash"...you say "thunder".
Wednesday, September 7, 2005 02:03 p.m.

Not much going on. Working out and watching more "Band of Brothers"...Haven't really seen the whole thing since it aired on HBO all those years ago. Good stuff.

Supposed to hang out with Grace tonight at her apt. She got a new job at a non-profit in Greenwich! CONGRATS!

Faxed my stuff over to Muzw...now I just have to contact one more person and just sit tight. I'm really running out of ideas...I need to just keep looking and brainstorming. Anyone else have any ideas?

That's it so far...sometimes no news is better than having news.

sign of good things?
Tuesday, September 6, 2005 11:24 p.m.

Not much happened...and yet I feel more hopeful today. I just want to be able to wake up without dreading the day...and maybe that starts with trying to be positive and willing things to change. Yes, I can only do so much...the rest is in God's hands...and I have to trust that things will balance out. After all the heartbreak and disappointment this year...there has to be some balance...right?

Worked out and ate like a pig... I guess there isn't much balance in that... and worked out some more...and watched "Band of Brothers"... nothing like some WWII action to take my thoughts off the things that are going on now.

The devastation of Katrina and the fact that life goes on... I wish I had a way to help out monetarily...but all I can do now is pray.

Some weird thing...got my first review on Amazon and it was from a total stranger. I wonder where this person heard of my music and actually bought a CD ...and then gave me a 5 star review: "I loved every minute of this album, It's a great listen, with a great price. His mix of acoustic and electric guitars with rye wit and splashes of humor amongst the serious tone, catch almost everyone's attenion who've heard this album, A great talent, and a wonderful addition to my collection!"

WOW.

Went home for dinner and just talked to my folks for a bit. Thank goodness they are still helping me out while I look for a job. I'm seriously running out of options...but I still have a glimmer of hope.

So, started working on my new novel. I just have to get into J.K. Rowling mode and just keep at it. I have all these great ides...classic stuff ...but just pieced together to create this new world...I hope I can actually finish this.

What's going on tomorrow? I'm still not sure...but here we go.

weekend wrap-up
Monday, September 5, 2005 10:50 p.m.

ok...I am just really, really tired...but I need to just get this out.

Got up at 730 and went to pick up my mom and Justin at the airport. This has been the longest stretch of time since I haven't seen my baby brother. And I was just overjoyed to have him and my mom home. They had a great time out in the west coast...and my little brother was so happy to get all the anime stuff I got him from Taiwan...watching him arrange them in his room really made me realize what a big influence I've had on him...he's just like me!

After breakfast (real, NY bagels!) we went to the apt. and took a nap... aerobed...ugh. Nina was watching Ranma while we napped...then we got up and went to Hazel's place for bbq.

So much food...and I got to show family my pics from Taiwan and played some Xbox with the kids. Just ate and ate...

My aunt's friend was there... still no definite news on what happened to his nephew...was it SIDS? Or was it something the babysitter did? Still praying for him and his family...though they seem like they are doing much better.

Talked to Eunice a bit... talked to Romana and found out she got kicked out of her apt. Factor in some cat poo, a crazy roommate, and just female jealousy (?) and in the end... it's a dose of unnecessary drama. Why do girls get so nuts? What is it? It's like the end of a relationship... so much drama...and why? The end result...I hope... is that Romana gets to move on with her life... new apt....new roommates (hopefully, cute and single and willing to come visit NY) and just a change of environment. Oh, and it happened on her birthday. Happy birthday! Too bad someone had "shat" on it... ahem.

Anyhoo...still hoping for some upcoming interviews... still need to get back on NY time..still need to stop thinking about things that will get me down...still need to get on with life...

I consider Labor Day to be summer's last hurrah. And considering all the crap that's happened...I say good riddance and here's to a fall filled with good news. I hope I'm right about this.

So, summer... "Ef" you! Let the heat and the craziness just fade away. Fall... time for a new leaf to be turned.

more weekend...
Sunday, September 4, 2005 03:52 p.m.

Went to see "Pretty Persuasion" with Eunice last night at the Sunshine in the LES... my first time at that theater and I really liked it. They have really neat snacks! Pocky and weird chocolate, wasabi peas, and real butter and shaker things for popcorn! The movie was ok...it was funny but then it got waaaay too dark. Evan Rachel Wood definitely had her moments...but she is going to get pigeonholed playing these sexed up teens...ugh.

anyways...went to Epicurie for burgers and talked with Eunice. She thinks I look really good post-Taiwan and all worked out. I actually wore a polo shirt I haven't worn since high school. It's a "L" too...and it wasn't skin tight on me either! Must keep it up. But my body is starved for carbs and fat for some reason. That's all I want to eat now...ugh.

Anyways... talked about how broken relationships are just hard to deal with...but we've got to get to the point where we just don't care what the other person is doing...when they aren't a part of our everyday thoughts anymore. It's sad...but it is what we have to do to move on. This wasn't my choice...and I have to live with the fact. I miss her so much that sometimes I just want to scream, cry, break something, hurt myself... gah...I don't even know...but I have to get to the point where I don't care. I have to get to the point where I realize there is someone better for me out there...someone that will love me more than I can imagine right now. And my job is to make myself a better man in the meantime. I have to get my act together for whoever this gorgeous, brilliant woman is...

So... lots of broken hearts... lots of deception and broken trust out there. And what can we do but wait it out? What can we do but persevere for another day...another long weekend of feeling lonely?

Got some ice cream and walked to Union Square. Wandered into a few stores and just looked around. Eunice went to Elllen's and I went home to crash... well, after watching some Raymond...

Got up and went to church. It was an ok sermon. The end of James...where we are reminded to have patient hope, plain talk (say what you mean) and to have saving prayers.

Came home and I have to admit...felt really sad and lonely for a bit. Worked out and cleaned up...watched some tv...and just generally trying to keep my mind off things. I'm trying to be hopeful and praying for the patience to last through this time of hurt and uncertainty.

I've made so much progress...and I refuse to slide back into despair. But I need help. I need friends and family to encourage me and to push me where I need to be. I need to be selfish AND selfless right now... I need to be better.

Next few weeks are going to be crucial. If I'm not at a new job by Thanksgiving...I think I'm going to move to Taiwan.

Anyone want to come with me?

weekend..
Saturday, September 3, 2005 02:48 p.m.

Yeah...still getting up early. I went to bed after 2 and was up by like 730...still feel groggy...but I'm afraid if I sleep I will feel worse later. Sigh... decisions, decisions.

Anyways, picked up some groceries and dry-cleaning. Trying not to think too much or I'll get sad again. Going to see a movie with Eunice later. So...more on that in a bit.

I think I may need that nap...urrrgh.

don't want things to fall back...
Friday, September 2, 2005 11:08 p.m.

Yeah, the progress I made these past few weeks was in jeopardy today. I just got so sad thinking about what she could be doing. I got a little panicky and I just ended up working out all day and cleaning up. Trying to keep my mind off of things.

Anyways, had drinks and snacks with Gloria and it was good to just get out. Thank you for getting my arse out and getting back to the city! It was much needed. Nice to catch up. She's about to move in to her new apt. with Joe...so more major changes for people I know this year.

Not much else going on... another of my friends broke up with her boyfriend...and she's unemployed. Dang, what is up with this summer? It's just insane.

And all our little problems cannot compare to what is going on in New Orleans and Mississippi right now... it's biblical. It's unfathomable to imagine that level of destruction. It is going to take a long time to rebuild.

Sometimes it really does seem like the end of the world. How much time do we really have left?

So...plans for the coming days... hanging out with Eunice tomorrow, Grace on Sunday and maybe Doris too, my mom and Justin are back on Monday, and then dinner with Nicole and her friend on Thursday.

Keeping busy is good. I just want to forget and let new things cover the wounds of the past. Sometimes I just want someone new to break my heart...so I can forget about what's happened.

OK! Must think positive! I'm going to get me a job soon! I'm going to heal my broken heart! I'm going to be successful!

And dang... working out is good. I love the pain! Bring it on!

Archived... ready for September?
Thursday, September 1, 2005 02:06 p.m.

Put August away for the record books. Lots of stuff happened last month...and I'm hoping things are going to finally start to get better in September. You all know that this has been the hardest summer of my life...and I'm ready for some change... at least a change for the good.

And back to old form... had nightmares again. Dreamt that I was back in HS and S was sitting behind me and we were taking a class pic...and when I turned around...she was gone. Previous night...dreamt I was planning a wedding or something at Disney World...and then this big screen commercial for a Winnie the Pooh cartoon came on...and I was just filled with overwhelming sadness...I associate Pooh with E... sheesh... I'm fine in the morning when I wake up...but my subconscious is still kicking my arse. I just hate waking up upset with my heart just beating and beating like an unforgiving tribal drum.

In any case, I went out early and mailed off a shipment of dvds. So... yup...sold a bunch more. Came home...worked out...ate too much ugh... must get back on the diet. I'm still skinnier than before...but starting to get tubbier...

At least I ran for about half an hour today... feeling tired...but kept at it. Watching Everybody Loves Raymond and ATHF... and then Gloria calls from out of the blue.

I haven't heard from her in AGES...and she left the cutest message...like she was reminding me who she was and how I knew her... too cute! Anyhoo...she said she spent a few hours catching up with my blog and it just made her so sad...heck, I'm scared to look back on what I wrote in May through July...too heartbreaking for me to EVER look back on... well, maybe in a few years.

So I'm going to meet her for a few drinks later and catch up. It's good for me to get out and not be alone. The last thing I want to do is fall back into my old habits of a solitary and sad life... I need to be around people...evne if I don't have money...I need to get out and speak, listen, interact...

High hopes for the future... hope something good comes soon. Slow and steady... still in the race.

More later. Hooray for September?