It's done!
Monday, February 28, 2005 10:20 p.m.

Ok... just sealed up the NYU application and it's ready to go out tomorrow. Well, that is if I can make it out of the snow. I can't tell how bad it's going to be...but it looks ok so far... who knows. In any case, it is a huge weight off my chest...but now...the waiting...this is going to drive me nuts. And I have to figure out what the heck I am going to do in the meantime...or instead. If I don't get a teaching job for the fall...I really have no idea what I am going to do.

Anyways...work was work...Lisa started watching Arrested Development and she LOVES IT. She has totally become my favorite person...well...until I leave work. Sad.

Not much else going on... just trying to concentrate on work and getting applications done in time. Need to look at more listings and see what I can manage. Oh, man...I hope there are other teaching positions available.

Well, snow, anime. and a packet all ready to go.

Sigh... it's only Monday...but man, I can't wait for the weekend.

Did I not do enough work this weekend?
Sunday, February 27, 2005 09:58 p.m.

That just sounds so weird...but I'm getting nervous that I didn't do enough work. I didn't even look at work from the office because I was busy doing my NYU application...which is coming along well and should be done by tomorrow night. In any case...I just wasn't in the mood and I had other things to do...ack... better get cracking on it tomorrow.

In any case, spent the day with the family yesterday... the kids were over...and even though they are all bigger...they are still cute. Niu was on the phone with her parents and they told her to do school work...she pretended to cry on my shoulder...too cute.

Watched "The Forgotten" with Mom and the kids...Nina is addicted to Inu Yasha...went to Barnes and Noble and picked up Palahniuk's Lullabuy for 5 bucks for the hardcover! And made copies for my application.

Spent most of Sunday working on NYU application, freaking out over how I am going to pay bills in a month or two months time, watched Nausicaa (loved it!!!), and watching the Oscars now... weird...but still familiar.

Hope this week goes well... more work to do this coming weekend...have to prepare for that...at least my NYU application will be in by then. I think, if anything, my chances for NYU are a little better. I hope it works out...

Uncertainty and panic...but excitement... 5 weeks to go!

Monday coming up... eep.

LUCKY !
Friday, February 25, 2005 10:39 p.m.

Well...work was work...except Lisa was really upset with one of the Senior Eds...I won't go into it...but there has been a long history of conflict in terms of work processes etc....anyhooo...got my work done and I was outta there.

Walked Lisa home...and then decided to stop into the comic store and use my credit to get some free comics...well...I go inside the hallway before the stairs...and just lying there...no one around... a 100 dollar bill.

I thought someone was playing a trick on me or it was fake...but it seems like it's real...I just hope it's not some poor kid's money to buy his momma's medicine... if anything...it could be one of the middle aged, rich guys that were buying comics...(why do they all show up on Friday evenings?)

In any case... whooo! LUCKkkkkYYYY! *said in a Napolean Dynamite fashion....I am totally saving that... because I am about to become poor very soon.

The NYU application is going well. Came across a big revelation...I'm going to discuss my most improved student's work instead of the best writer's work...makes sense, huh? And I have all these old notes that show how much she learned from me... how much she took in my comments and revised...and ultimately, made her work better. I know I can be a great teacher...I just need a chance. Somewhere, some how! Help, me Lord!

Watched "The Cat Returns" ...loved it. What a cute movie. I can't wait to watch Nausicaa and Porco Rosso.

Tori Amos' new cd comes with a bonus DVD...and she talks about the songs...she can be so deep and spiritual (her dad's a minister) and then...she's nuts... songs about Mary Magdalene...and then a song about her turning into a car...and the power of orange knickers...to stop terrorism?

I love her music...and I think she is great nutty fun sometimes...and besides...she as sultry and gorgeous... that voice...the way she negotiates those vowels...that ginger hair...just wow.

Ok...got work to do and application to finish this weekend. Just about a month to go... hang in there! GANBATTE!

TGIF! Amen.

it's coming down...
Thursday, February 24, 2005 10:15 p.m.

Well, it's snowing again...and it's really coming down. Seriously, I hope it's the last snow of the year. I'm ready for spring.

Lisa is seriously adorable. She had to run back into the office while I was outside and she was like "I heart you, Abe" and she got all excited that she got opera tickets. And her back hurts from moving stuff...and she had to get some Aspercreme (I recommend Icy/Hot or Ben Gay Vanishing Scent).

Anyways, one of the better vendors I worked with called to wish me well. I guess word really travled fast...and he said that he might be able to help me find a job out in Jersey...so who knows...

In any case, I guess people know that I'm leaving...the weird thing is that I will still be around for another month...ack...long-ass goodbyes and such.

Working on my NYU application still. I think I had a real breakthrough today with analyzing this mock-student written essay...I think it's coming along well.

I got a letter from Hunter...just an equal opportunity/ affirmative action card thing for the application. The bad news is...the letter that came with it said that they expected hundreds...HUNDREDS of applications for the position I want...ack. Looks like my chances are getting slimmer and slimmer.

Weird thing that happened last week that I forgot to blog about: I was getting an AM New York from one of those metal kiosk things...and the first copy didn't come out...so I though it was just, you know, static cling or something...so I took a copy below it...and the first few copies started to slide out...and I noticed that there was either...feces or peanut butter between two of the papers.

Thank goodness it didn't get on me...but I was filled with revulsion...and then I just started to laugh. I mean...who thinks to do that? I can't even imagine the story behind it... only in New York...there's a short story in there somewhere.

Big plans for weekend... more work, more application stuff, and Miyazaki movies. WOOO-HOOO!

Almost Friday... TGIF... and TGIF again.

I quit.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005 10:14 p.m.

Well, I did it. It's done. I gave my notice. I didn't even get my 6 month review because right off the bat when the exec. ed. asked if I had any questions...I just laid it all out on the table. I'm not cut out for the corporate world...and if I want to be in education...I should be teaching. It's either out up or shut up. I spent all night tossing and turning...and it really wasn't all that bad.

So, I'll be at this place until April 1st...after that...it's all up in the air. Can I get a part-time job? Can I find a teaching position for the summer? Can I fins something for the fall? Am I cut out to be a teacher? A professor? Well, it's nerve-wracking and exciting. So, this next month, I need to be super careful with my last three paychecks...and just try to keep my expenses down as much as possible. It will be hard...but I'm hoping it will be well worth it. Huge risk...but it's for something I believe in....something that I really want to do for the rest of my life.

I hope that I will still be friends with Lisa, Kathleen, and Allison... I hope that I'll take what I've learned with me and really be able to turn it into something good and worthwhile.

In any case, I've got lots of stuff to do. The application is coming along...work is ongoing and I'll have to get cracking on all of it. Lord, help me...I need some strength to get through this.

Speaking of which... "Head" from Korn quit! He became a Christian and is going to be doing Christian music (hopefully it's good) ...a lot of it had to do with his daughter... and I respect that. Welcome to the fold, brutha!

More info:
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/02/23/music.korn.reut/index.html

LOST...hahahah dang Korean guys. Sun is pretty hot...never thought so before...and Sayeed and Shannon...weird. Dang Walter! Locke... his dad isn't "cool"...not "wasn't" ...could his dad be...the devil? What's going on? Anyone notice that Hurley was on tv and translated in Korean (little girl was watching).

Urrrgh...so tired... so much to do... next two weeks will be tough...it only gets better (I hope) after that.

Amen.

The night before...
Tuesday, February 22, 2005 09:02 p.m.

Oh man... more reasons why this is the right to quit. We had a two hour meeting about process and procedure...and it turns out that our exec ed. didn't know the correct copyediting mark for boldface until a few weeks ago...and the time devoted to "proper way to mark pages" and "Style guides" just made me feel like I was working with a company that didn't know what it was doing...and headed in the wrong direction.

In any case... I realized that this job was not what I thought it was going to be. I thought it was a mom-and-pop publishing house that was growing too big for its britches...headed towards bigger and brighter things...but the corporate monster has indeed reared its head...and I should have known that it was always there... the intense interview process...and all the corporate red tape in the beginning...should have been, well, red flags...anyhooo...I'm giving my notice tomorrow and will hope that I find something very, very soon.

I've been applying for teaching positions left and right...and working on others. My Hunter (number one choice) application is in, letters to follow. And my Gotham Writers' Workshop application is in, and so is a summer teaching position that I heard of recently...it's at Gettysburg college and I'd be teaching high school kids. That would be great! NYU should be out next week...and I'm sure there will be more to come.

I'll definitely miss Lisa the most...and I know that there may be a minor (or major) flip out tomorrow when my team leader hears about it... well, I need to do what is best for me.

More stuff...one thing led to another and I ended up with like 15 dvds, 2 CDs, and a hard cover of Dave Eggers' book today...it's a long story...but good timing from the post office and a Best Buy mishap with a travelers check...so now I've got all these DVDs I want to watch...and no time at all...I've got to do applications and work...ack!

Working on applications now and laughing at David Sedaris: Live from Carnegie Hall. That's multi-tasking!

Pray for me. I hope things go smoothly tomorrow. Lord, I hope I can leave this behind and start towards what I really want to do. I think this is the right thing...I pray that it truly is.

Thanks, kids. I appreciate your support.

Ack...what am I doing?
Monday, February 21, 2005 10:54 p.m.

Ok... I didn't get enough work done this long weekend. I got a little done on my application and on work work...but still not nearly as much as I hoped. I guess I was feeling a bit burned out...

Ended up sleeping a lot today...took a mid-day nap...and now I am sleepy already. Not sure if I can just hang on and power through what I have to do this week. Lots and lots of stuff needs to be done before I can get my application in to NYU...but I do have some of the letters of recommendation down. Whew...but crap...can't help feeling anxious about all of this. Not sure...but I need to just remain calm and keep doing stuff...Little by little. Just get it done.

Two days before I give my notice. ACK. I hope it goes off without a hitch.

At least it will be Tuesday tomorrow. Whew.

Hang in there, kids!

ahhh weekend...
Sunday, February 20, 2005 04:29 p.m.

So glad we have a long weekend...because I was supposed to do work...and it's Sunday afternoon and I still haven't! ACK... I better get a move on...

Friday: Work... taking it easy but got stuff done. I just don't care very much... funny thing that happened. One of my coworkers asked me to get drinks with a bunch of people...but I told her my Dad called and said that he wanted me to come home for some sea bass. Anyways... when it's time to leave Lisa comes over and goes..."C'mon...let's go" and I follow her out... while my coworker goes like "yeah...enjoy the sea bass." HAHAHA...I just walked Lisa home...it was weird since we usually part ways at 23rd...but I walked her to her front door...a little awkward for some reason... hmmm.

I'm glad I'm leaving when I am...because I think that with Lisa on my team...and possibly as my boss... it would be awkward. In any case... I'm giving my notice on Wednesday.

Went home for dinner and talked to my folks for a bit. That's about it... Saturday was just spent relazing and watching tv... Watched the rest of the last season of Coupling...so sad! I want more! Saw was pretty good. I was surprised...and watched the director's cut of Donnie Darko... excellent. Great movie....but I don't remember what was different from the regular version...

Sunday... still sleepy. No motiviation to do any work. I should really work on my NYU application...but I do have another weekend to work on it...but I should get cracking. Nina, Kelvin, and my aunt popped by... did some laundry and half-watching the Goonies...

Which always goes with the Cyndi Lauper song from the film...and if you haven't seen the video... it is nuts! WWF old school superstars...Roseann Barr? and the BANGLES!??!? nuts... when I was little I had the biggest crush on Cyndi Lauper...I thought she was so cute...it's the cheeks and the squinty eyes...and her pale, pale skin... anyhoo...check out this riDONKulous video. here's some screenshots:

http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/cyndi-goonies/

AND: http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/cyndi-goonies/goonies2.php

Also...I read a funny joke in Maxim: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

ALL-STAR GAME and Arrested Development! :P

Eventful day...
Thursday, February 17, 2005 09:49 p.m.

Wow...lots going on today...work...wow...leading up to the day when I am going to give my notice... less than a week away. How crazy is that?

Mailed my application for the Hunter College position today. Wish me luck. Pray that I get a shot at this. I want this job so badly! Slim chance...but I just want to get a chance to talk to someone. Let me turn on the charm! (don't laugh.)

Finished Kavalier and Clay...it took me forever to get started...but once I did...I couldn't put it down. I got a little choked up at the end. I really would like to know what happened to the characters ...but the ending was pretty good.

Eric officially announced that he is going out with Charlotte. Dang...I saw this coming a mile away! I really hope that things work out for him. Man, one by one people are getting the hook ups. When is it going to be my turn? Ok folks...Eric is taken...so help me out now!

Justin had a phone audition for Paul Reuben's production company...for those of us in the know...that would be Pee-Wee Herman. Not sure what it's for...but he had to say some things in Mandarin like "hello cat"...wait and see if he gets it.

Got a haircut (finally) after work. Came home and found a catalog from Gotham Writers Workshop! Wow...is this a sign? That was the next place on my list to apply for a job. Really weird timing.

And on Joey tonight...one of the guest stars was Julia Duffy. I didn't recognize her at first...but after awhile I was like...NO WAY! It's her! She used to be on this show in the 80's called "Wizards and Warriors" with Jeff Conaway ("Kenicke" from Grease!)and when I was a kid...I had the HUGEST crush on her. My uncle used to tease me about my "beautiful princess." Wow...that really brings back memories. She was on Newhart and I read on IMDB that she was in Intolerable Cruelty. I should get around to watching that one day...so odd.

Also...EB games had used anime for 4.99! I only got one...but I'm sure I'll go back to see if they have anything else.

And I started recording again... working on "leading you astray"...I'll probably get back to it once I'm not employed... how weird is that?

And Arrested Development still makes me laugh out loud. Some of these episodes I'm seeing for the third time. Knowing me and my short attention span...that means a lot.

What a packed day...one more day and LONG WEEKEND! WOOOO.

TGIF!

here we go...
Wednesday, February 16, 2005 11:35 p.m.

Work was work...got a lot done yadda yadda. Comics day was awesome. Lots of stuff. Funny story from a gay comic-loving friend. he said that he and his ex used to call each other "Midnighter" and "Apollo"...the homosexual heroes from the Authority. It's funny if you know comics. :P

LOST was good. And right after...

I finished my application for Hunter. I really hope that I get it. I hope that this time next year I will be teaching. Lord, help me. I want this so badly.

Lots of fun stuff:

Arrested Development clips. Here's one of my faves:

http://the-op.com/media/video3.php?v=61&fmt=wmv&bw=hi

KOH-KOH-KOH-KOH-KAAAAW!

And man...some nerdy Jedi stuff:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/krautboy/243291.html

that's it.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005 10:21 p.m.

I am definitely quitting next Wednesday when I have my review. The final straw: the utter disgust I felt after layoffs today. They cut two people and an entire department. Lisa's department...but she's ok because she's moving to editorial...on my team!

Anyways...one of my fave coworkers was laid off and I called her after work. She says she was ok...but she was more upset because the other coworker had spent nights at the office...even slept at the office...to get things ready for a big sales meeting...and the way she was repaid. She got laid off the week after.

The reason I left my old job was because of the corporate machine...and this company is getting worse and worse. Time for me to go. I am so F**in fed up.

So...I blindly look on Google and I find that Hunter has a position open for an Assistant/Associate Professor of Creative Writing--Poetry. THAT IS MY DREAM JOB... I want this so badly. My chances of getting it are very slim...but I am going to try my hardest to get it.

Was just pissed off...had lunch with Lisa and she told me she knew since last Monday...but she couldn't say anything...and she was dying. But hopefully, things won't be so bad for her...I really hope so.

Anyways...been home working on this application that I need to send out tomorrow. ACK. I may not be able to get the letters of recommendation in on time...but I need to do my best on the cover letter.

So please...pray for me. I really want this job...and I am hoping against hope that I can get this.

I'm spent...it's been a rough day.

ask me if I f**in care!
Monday, February 14, 2005 09:41 p.m.

Someone's a little bitter...

But honestly...it's ok. I have enough worries about work at this point... like my 6 month review on Wednesday. It's pretty clear I should shut up and just listen and not say anything about quitting just yet...because I still have to work for like a month and a half before I have to take off. In fact, I may end up working until May at this point. I'm really not sure...it all depends on timing...in any case, I need to finish up my NYU application this weekend..and things will be much easier for me when I decide to take off...and then I really need a part-time job ... maybe a comic book store? Hmmm...

In any case... V-day is the sucks. One of my friends (that has a boyfriend) left a message to say hi and say happy V-day...and honestly the first thingout of my mouth was "WTF?!?!?" I seriously hate this day. I'm happy for all you couples and whatnot...ok...I'm not...this day just reminds me what an utter failure I've been with past relationships and ... can I even call them relationships? GAH. They seem so masochistic in retrospect.

Another major gripe... I'm slowly becoming the only single person among nearly all of my friends. This has become frightening because 1. I have major third wheel syndrome. If you are going to hang out with your significant other and there are NO OTHER single people (guys to commiserate with...girls to check out) then I DO NOT WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU GUYS...EVER. Third wheel syndrome is really sever...do you have any idea how the single friend feels when they are face-to-face with a loving couple? let's just say they feel like sh*t. :P

2. I am starting to fear the whole marriage thing. part of me really wants to settle down...and then the other part of me has a milion ambitious things I need to do. I'm on the cusp of having my CD done, ready to quit my job and go back to teaching, ready to finish up my novel in earnest, and ready to play music and read poetry... and there's more.

3. yeah, I'm getting kind of lonely.

Otherwise...work has me going nuts and the only thing keeping me sane...well...is anything that distracts me.

I know that God has really been testing me these past few years...and I've learned so many humbling lessons...but I'm just sad...so sad...to the point where I don't know what to do.

Take for instance: I was at BK because all those BK Fish commercials got to me. And it was raining. And I exit. And I drop my soda all over my feet. And I just feel like crying. Nothing seems to be going my way.

Honestly, the job is terrible (I feel like I made the biggest mistake leaving my old job), I have no girl in my life, I feel physically and emotionally drained, and I'm just generally feeling like crap.

I know that Job had things a lot worse...but I feel like G.O.B from Arrested Development. I think I'm all cool and I have all these tricks up my sleeve...but in the end I'm just a sad idiot looking for love and approval.

In any case...things could be worse. I know this. I am thankful for every breath that I take. But I know that life should not be this way. It should not be pain and toil...I know that God wants better for me. I just need to be ready for it when it comes. And work towards somehting...anything than this stagnation that is snuffing the lifebreath out of me.

Oh...my folks took the day off work and went to Mohegan Sun...they left my brother home alone until like 9:00...well, at least they had a good V-day.

sigh. Moz said it best...I am human and I need to be loved.

urrgh... just hanging in there..
Sunday, February 13, 2005 05:58 p.m.

Urrgh. Still loads of stuff to do...working on the first round of the first book in the VA series and it is A LOT of work getting it in shape. I'm terrified that I won't get it in in time this Friday. I've just got to keep plowing through and really focus to get it all done.

Friday: Pretty uneventful... except for the meeting about the possible environmental hazard in our air ducts... great. And this Christo "gates" thing...man, so overrated.

Treated myself to some anime... had some Best Buy coupons so it was worth it...plus, I've been stressed out.

Just watched tv and passed out until Saturday. Woke up at like 1:30. Must have been really tired since I went to bed really early. And then Nina and my aunt came over...watched "The Terminal"...what a great movie! Why did the critics not like it? I'm puzzled...

Almost the whole family came over for prolonged Chinese New Year celebration...and SNL with Jason Bateman... dang...no Arrested Development cameos.

Sunday...cleaning-up after the family and work. Watched Justice League Unlimited with Chris over brunch...and a weird thing...I saw E's name under the "Key Animator" position... and I'm sure it's a relatively common name...but I think it would be great that she was over in Korea and not here... or it vcould be awful thinking that she had a hand in something that I really like... so very weird thoughts... in any case...I'm sure it's not her...but still...sent a weird little shiver through my spine thinking about that.

More work today...did a few hours and I just gave up. I'm just not in the mood to do work. I just need to stick it out for a month and a half...and then hopefully things will fall into place for what I really want to do...

It's been a really tough few months. I know that change is in sight, but the possibility that things aren't going to work out.. really, really scares me. I know it's a huge leap of faith and it's a huge risk...but if it does work out... it will be worth it.

Please watch Arrested Development tonight. You can miss half an hour of the Grammys...

Urgggh... I'm glad I'm miserable enough that I won't be too stressed out over V-day tomorrow... sigh... what a suckfest.

Save Arrested Development!
Thursday, February 10, 2005 09:34 p.m.

Anyone that knows me knows how much I love smart comedy...and how much I LOVE Arrested Development... Well, David Cross was on Jimmy Kimmel last night and he said that AD was not "cancelled"...but they aren't making anymore shows. Apparently... episode 18 of this year (supposed to be 22) will be the last one...for now. Whether or not the show comes back... well.. that's a wait-and-see ...but I'm hoping that more people will watch the show and if there is a campaign to save it...I am so there.

Work... actually slowing down a bit...but still... looks like I will be bringing work home this weekend, regardless. But most importantly, I need to start getting my NYU application together this weekend.

Mark (my gay former co-worker) called me to tell me the awful things going on in his life... his father died, he got a knife stuck in his hand and has nerve damage, and he might be laid off from his job soon...man... that really sucks. Poor guy.

Tonight was "girls go home" night of Chinese New Year...so my Mom came over and made dinner for the family... man, Chinese New Year gets drawn out...I think there is still more things going on.

I'm just tired...and so ready to do something else. Year of the Rooster (COCK...HA!) is supposed to be good for Dragon babies... eh...we'll see.

One more day to go... working for the weekend. Hanging in there...

LOST...looking for direction.
Wednesday, February 9, 2005 09:10 p.m.

Don't want to spoil it for anyone...but tonight's episode of LOST was pretty dang good. 2 people died... that was the big surprise...hmmm.

And um... Debbie Gibson is going to be in Playboy...I'm going to have to go to Barnes and Noble and sneak a peek... man... 7th grade Abe would probably be really upset...but now...I'm just curious. :P

Work ... still busy but supposedly things are going to ease off a little bit. Does that mean I can stick around a little longer...or does that just mean I have time on the weekends to look for other jobs and just bail now.

It's not a question of if...but when... and I just need to stop buying anything and just bear down and get ready for being really uncomfortable for awhile...

In any case... some good news from NYU...seems like I have enough to qualify for a teaching position. So the long term plan (well, Plan A) is to get the expository teaching position...maybe get another position at some other college orat Gotham Writer's Workshop or something... work on my novel, get an agent, get published, get a tenure track position somewhere...and then...that's it. So... going to have to take a big risk and just take the plunge.

It takes being at the lowest point to really see what you want...and if my family and friends support me for a little while (consider it an investment) then I can make the right steps in the rght direction...NOW...instead of waiting for when things might be "easier"...I just need the fear and the terror to shake me up a little bit to push me towards what I should be doing for the rest of my life...whew.

Lord,help me. Still need to figure out what I'm going to give up for Lent...hmmm.... I'll have to think about it.

Anyhoo... things ae looking better...just waiting for things to fall into place.

LOST...looking for direction.
Wednesday, February 9, 2005 09:10 p.m.

Don't want to spoil it for anyone...but tonight's episode of LOST was pretty dang good. 2 people died... that was the big surprise...hmmm.

And um... Debbie Gibson is going to be in Playboy...I'm going to have to go to Barnes and Noble and sneak a peek... man... 7th grade Abe would probably be really upset...but now...I'm just curious. :P

Work ... still busy but supposedly things are going to ease off a little bit. Does that mean I can stick around a little longer...or does that just mean I have time on the weekends to look for other jobs and just bail now.

It's not a question of if...but when... and I just need to stop buying anything and just bear down and get ready for being really uncomfor

when does this change?
Monday, February 7, 2005 08:57 p.m.

Such a rushed day... just went in and plowed through manuscript...had so much crap to do... but I managed to get it all done.

Lisa was so cute today...she brought lunch so we don't get to go out...and she says she was going to bring lunch for the next two days... she said "It might sound like a breakup, but it's not." HAHHAAH! I told her it was a trial separation and it was ok.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to quit when I want to... I'm not feeling very confident with just winging it and not having something lined up... I'm just getting nervous. I know that I need to do this...this job is killing my spirit, taking a toll on me physically, and just wearing me down...I need to just figure all of this out..

So much is going on...but I feel like life is just passing me by...this is just flat out terrible.

I am Debbie Downer...
Sunday, February 6, 2005 08:29 a.m.

Well...the weekend is here and I can't really relax...I brought a bunch of work home with me...again.

Friday...just slogged through the day... bought some comics and dvds to make me feel a little better...and met up with Eunice breifly... I was just feeling so tired and still kind of sick that I just couldn't bring myself to stay and have dinner...plus she invited a bunch of people and didn't really have firm plans... I was just in no mood to wander and deal with a bunch of people if I was in such a bad mood... I'm sorry.

Being ill and hating my job and pretty much my situation in life...just makes me want to crawl under the sheets and just not come out. I'm just plain ol' feelin' crappy.

I did get a cream puff and a Twilight Singers t-shirt though... a plus.

Home...sleep... good.

Chris woke me up early this morning...and I had one of those weird morning dreams when you go back to sleep for a few hours... anyhooo...I was living in an apartment with some random guy and two hot girls (I think this is left over stuff from watching the John Ritter Biography on A & E) and I went to this party with a bunch of America's Top Models (I think leftover from Surreal Life) and we are standing around a table... drinking Stoli Raspberry/Blackberry (with actual berries in the bottle) and then this model gives me this weird tortilla/cake thing that looks like a kiwi-tomato-pancake hybrid. Weird.

Anyways...went to Benihana witht eh family for my grandma's bday and for Chinese New Year...got some red envelopes and some hibachi...our guy was kinda funny/ kinda dorky...but hey...it's Benihana's...what did you expect?

Went to WalMart with Chris, Nina, Kelvin and bought a bunch of boring things that I get excited about...house cleaning products and the like...I am so domesticated...it's weird.

Home...tired... and then the kids wanted me to go over to my folks place...so here I am on Justin's computer...waiting for dinner and to do some work also... ugh... I'm so tired...can I just relax today and cram everything tomorrow? sigh...

I am so ready to quit. I need a job...help me.

urrrgh...trudging slowly
Thursday, February 3, 2005 08:34 p.m.

Another day...another crappy day... work is maddening and the only thing getting me through right now is the promise that I'm going to quit soon. How am I going to manage that? I have no idea... it might be a really dumb move to quit without a job lined up...but I'm not sure I can survive if I don't.

Every other day... another email about some more corporate BS that just totally pisses me off...and I can't think of a way to reconcile it.

Lisa was so cute... she said "who is going to be my BFO if you leave?" ...awww.

Talked to a vendor...who was really nice and apologetic...and I totally understand. Our company isn't exactly the best people to work with either...there is a learning curve and there needs to be room for error...seriously.

Anyhooo...that's that. Just getting through.

Did ya'll see the JLU episode with Batman Beyond, Static Shock and HAL JORDAN !??!?! Awesomeness. Bask in the geekiness.

Sigh...here's to another weekend of work. Bring it on.

feeling a little better...
Wednesday, February 2, 2005 09:26 p.m.

Ok...well...you can say I am at maybe 60%...nowhere near perfect or anything...but getting there.

Work is...well, you know...and comics gave me a ray of sunshine...other than that...not much else.

Finishing up "The Life of Pi"...I really enjoyed it...almost done... I'm just hoping the ending doesn't let me down...the first 80-100 pages were hard to get through...but the real meat of the book...fascinating...last few chapters were trippy...wow...I hope they make a movie out of it. Not sure how...but I heard they were.

Job search goes on... life goes on... working on the weekend...hopefully the last one... maybe one more...we'll have to see. Sigh.

Hanging in there...Lord, help me.

Ok...here's the deal.
Tuesday, February 1, 2005 09:13 p.m.

Archived... well...before the next time I archive this page...I should have quit my job. I've given myself this deadline...we'll see if I keep to it. I plan to.

Don't even get me started about work. Don't even. It's ridiculous the stuff I have to deal with...and the fact that I'm still sick (though a bit better) isn't making things peachy.

I'm going to apply to any and every job that seems remotely interesting...and even if I don't land something before my time runs out...I can use the time to work on music and write. If anything...getting myself out of this industry for good is the goal.

Chris says that I need to be scared...need to have the fear...so that I can get something I want. And maybe it's true...but I know that I cannot continue the way things have been going. I. simply. cannot.

I hate waking up hating myself for taking this job... the quality...the disorder...the corporate mentality that pervades something that could have been noble, could have been good. The bottom line drives everything...but when it's to this degree...it makes me sick...

I know maybe I'm a little naive...but still...this is the worst I've seen. I'd rather be making half the money doing something I love...and finally getting my novel written. Then getting paid what I'm getting paid and not having time for ANYTHING else.

So, yes...this is probably for my emotional, spiritual, and physical wellbeing...my financial well-being...well...I may need to depend on my loved ones and the kindness of strangers for a little bit.

We'll see what happens...but remember my words... end of the month!