of dreams

no, not dreams in the my goals, ambitions, what-i've-been-wishing-for-since-i-was-seven sense. i don't have much of those, which i think is a damn shame because isn't that what drives and guides you through life and its petty pitfalls? daydreams maybe, nothing serious, everything just skimming the surface; of what-ifs, what-will-be, and what-might-have-beens. white weddings, puppy dogs, getaways, how i never want my sofa to be made of leather.

i dream alot and i remember most of my dreams, because they're very vivid, and probably hold some kinda cryptic hidden message that i want to decipher. i read somewhere that in normal sleeping patterns, a person usually passes through five phases of sleep, the fifth being Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep. the sleeping human passes cyclically through these five phases throughout a night's rest.

phase 1: the lightest stage of sleep and is characterized by drifting in and out of sleep; when people are awakened during this phase they usually have fragmented visual memory of what they were experiencing while asleep. you know, like sometimes when you're almost asleep, you can literally feel yourself falling into sleep; kinda semi-conscious. this is my fave stage!

phase 2: the stage in which the most time is spent, close to fifty percent. brain is slowing down.

phase 3 and 4: stages of deep sleep where extremely slow brain waves are produced. you're almost there baby! these are the phases of sleep when some children experience bedwetting, night terrors, or sleepwalking.

phase 5 (REM sleep): this is the most interesting stage because this is when your dreams occur. but instead of your brain being at its slowest stage, as we all would expect, this is the stage when the brain literally awakens internally. it's the most active part of sleep. if you have REM sleep Behavioural Disorder (RBD), it means you're literally acting out their dreams, which are usually violent in nature. so if you're punching your sleazebag of a boyfriend in your dream, your mom will actually walk in on you punching air and screaming vulgarities.

ok, i didn't actually plan to make this entry so dense, but certain kinds of knowledge never hurt anyone. you learnt something new today! the first time i read about this was in some TIME magazine i think, you can find out more here!

yesterday i had a dream. my house was on fire, but it seemed like some sort of fire drill where we set fire to some parts of the house to test our response. i panicked! i ran into my room and saw only my power switches on fire. i only took my ring, the one we got on our anniversary, and my angbao money. are these the only things i unconsciously consider important to me?

the night before i dreamt of me and my NUS friends in a datuk's house having a thai feast, and i ate the dessert of mango and glutinous rice with coconut milk.

i remember a dream when i was being chased by a cloud; and i was running under this elevated kampong house. the dream was very disturbing.

i've had countless driving dreams. but no accidents yet.

once, i dreamt i was late for an exam, and i quickly got ready and left the house. after descending the steps to the ninth floor staircase landing, i looked down and realised i wasn't wearing shoes.

and another time, i went out and walked around carrying my bolster. it didn't seem weird at all, and noone gave me any strange looks. but then i got tired and carrying my bolster and wished i didn't bring it out.

one dream i always remember is the one where my brother and i were running away from two or three gigantic fireballs chasing us from my house all the way to my grandma's house in the same block. i dreamt this same dream twice, and it got me convinced that i died by fire in my past life. alot of dreams involved running and chasing, so i think i may have been chased to death.

there was one when i was playing in this playground with my childhood neighbour wendy, and there was music playing in the dream, and we were all dancing and listening to it, having mindless childish fun. then suddenly, the music changed. wendy was real pissed, and shouted "eh who changed the music?!" then i woke up from the dream to the same music that my maid was playing on the radio.

i also have celebrity dreams, where the same thing always happens. the celebrity falls in love with me, haha. and it's funny because i dream of stars that i don't really fancy in real life. after the dream i end up liking them! pretty embarassing i know. leads have included kavana and ekin cheng.

i woke up crying from this dream: my mom and i were in a hardware store, where they sold those funny household items like microwave ovens and refridgerators. the salesgirl turned my mom into a vacuum cleaner and told me to try vacuuming the floor with her. i freaked out and started begging the salesgirl to please turn my mother back into her human self. but of course, not before i tried my vacuum cleaner mom out.

i used to have this book called tiger eyes by judy blume. it was about this girl called davey, whose father died in a shooting accident in his convenience store. the first time i read this book, i didn't appreciate it at all because i just couldn't relate to the story. until i had this dream: i was on holiday with my family in this country that had alot of temples. i think it was thailand. so we were in this big temple with a huge bell hanging over everyone. i was on the other side of the temple when i heard this huge bang followed by lots of commotion. and it turned out the huge bell fell on my dad and killed him. ok it didn't seem funny in the dream at all. so i lost my dad to a bell. i was devastated and i really cried alot in the dream. i actually remember my cousin stuart coming up behind me while i was crying on the study table to console me. and i was wearing an orange shirt. i also woke up from this dream crying. and every time i read tiger eyes after that dream, i cry.

the rest of my dreams i remember in fragments, pieces of my sub-conscious, that are forever photographed in my mind. sometimes i'm tempted to write in to cleo's dreams section, then i change my mind. i think dreams should remain enigmatic; that's where we break limits and cross boundaries of reality, and we still have no control. we fly in our dreams, we fall, and we drive like we've been driving all our lives when in truth, we have zero motor-control skills.

as chia was telling me, if only we could plug our brains into a video recorder, and play it out when we're awake so that we can remember what we dreamt.

my laptop's been back almost a week now and it turned out that the motherboard or some shit was faulty. i don't think i ever want to learn what's inside my computer, nor will i ever muster up any sort of interest... shall bin any intentions to major in icm! though we're taking this module now that's very arty, digital art where we have an ultra cynical lecturer and a butchy tutor who's really into the feminist business. i really like my film art module; so far we've seen three black and white films and they're all pretty good. and of course, our sexuality module is titillating, to say the least. all i'd like to say is, more videos of hot sweaty women please!

actually, i enjoy school. i swore to myself never to have anything to do with science after jc. and now, in arts, it's a refreshing change to be able to choose. those three films i've seen? i'd never ever would have come near them if i weren't required to. so what if we'll never get anywhere with our half-fuck knowledge about the moon phases and equinoxes, at least now i'm more sensitive to the shapes of the moon (oooh it's a quarter moon tonight!) and i know why summers are long and winters short. so what if we don't know exactly how japan evolved from samurai to sony, at least now i can show off my meagre knowledge of how samurai came about, and that kanji are actually the chinese characters in the japanese writing system. so far, in film art, i've learnt what's a long shot and a deep focus shot and movies haven't looked the same to me since. where would we go to learn all these things, things we would never otherwise have taken up willingly, if we didn't go to school?

the arts faculty feels like some kinda community centre where people go to sign up for like, french and thai language lessons; or learn the traditions of the japanese like ikebana and tea ceremonies (yes, we actually have modules like that); or learn traditional chinese teachings. this may sound real geeky, but i wish i had the time to take modules like chinese literature (li bai poetry and stories like 'the three kingdoms' or 'outlaws of the marsh'), nineteenth century literature and culture (all them victorian things), history of film, abnormal psychology, anthropology and gender studies. the idea of picking up something to carve a career out of is something i can't see myself thinking, much less doing. ok, but i may be begging in the streets ten years from now.

on another note, i have a gigantic pimple. i've put clearasil on it and my face is hardened, like some mask. i also bought two tubes of clean and clear deep action cleanser. i wish we could cut off pimples with scissors just like spongebob squarepants and amanda please!

hello darlings.

would like to enlighten you souls that my laptop is currently in the toshiba service centre hanging on to dear life. it's in intensive care right now, please pray that it'll pull through! my poor baby... i feel so lost without you.

don't know what the fuck happened to it. i leave it alone for the weekend and it just refuses to switch on, and it just gives me that attitude, just blinking and letting out hot air. even mechanical beings don't like being neglected. my dear laptop, stop behaving like a girl! there are enough of us weeping willows out there already.

right now, i'm using my brother's laptop.

today i sat through four lectures, straight. bless me, that's 8 hours at a go! and out of the four, two aren't mine. and these lectures happen to have the cuter guys. oh why oh why.

i think this year, we should all adopt this very important yet understated habit, motto, outlook, whatever you call it, that we should always say what we mean and mean what we say.

this transition to the new year over the holidays hasn't exactly been the best, nor does it qualify as something worth remembering if we only deem happy moments worth remembering. it was kinda painfully bittersweet. anyway, fights have been fought because certain people didn't say what they mean; they masked their unhappiness until they couldn't take it anymore and it all finally erupts like a dormant volcano. out flows bubbling hot lava, words that burn and sting, words that you never meant to turn out this way. anger can get the worst out of you and we hafta admit that sometimes it feels pretty good to say something that you know will hurt the other person, in a vengeful sorta way.

but just remember that words can scar as easily as a knife, or boiling lava. you know how in movies or in tv shows, a forlorn person will walk an empty road after having a fight with someone, and the voice of the person he's been fighting with just echoes again and again in his mind? that's how it is. it sucks to know that simple words from an important someone is enough to topple your world, and make you feel really worthless.

so everyone, say what you mean and mean what you say, TODAY!

on to more random things.

to tarn: i learnt how to embed music by following the instructions HERE so go check it out. it's kinda difficult to explain in my own words.

one of my irritating idiosyncrasies is that i can't have the same food two days in a row, sometimes not even two days in the same week. so for lunch today, my mom bought me chicken rice, which my dad already made me eat yesterday night so it's totally rotting on the table partially eaten because i cannot!

i am already done with school for the week. tutorials aside, i have a three day lecture week. i watched a black and white silent film yesterday for my film art module. hmmm. it's GREED by Eric Von Stroheim. it was very disturbing because it's about... GREED. how this woman, with hair that i cannot fathom (it's super long and rolled around her head, so all the while i thought she was wearing a hat) with the most scary eyes, became all miserly and crazy cos of... GREED. how her husband killed her cos of... GREED. how her husband and her ex-lover marcus trekked across death valley cos of... GREED. the film was originally 9 hours. bless the Lord it was cut.

and how is one supposed to feel when a relationship is slowly morphing into a friendship? is it a sign of a love that is maturing or a weakening of ties?

and i might as well talk to the wall or the stars on my ceiling, when you tell me you hate it when i cry... without realising that i cry for you. and how can i be blamed for being weak when you make me feel that it's ok to be this way?

i started off the new year staring down the old toilet bowl in boon's eunos house at the mushy remnants of my dinner from mei's. i distinctly remember feeling beehoon coming out of my throat. at that moment, i was thinking that i would choose anorexia over bulimia anytime.

i'm super duper tired! as i crawled into bed at 9.15 am this morning, all i needed was a warm oil massage from one of them chippendales dancers, the pimple on my nose to go away, and for the damn school holiday to be extended for at least a month. school starts on MONDAY i can't believe it even if you shook me up like a rag doll and made me kiss gollum! it's so depressing.

i remember when i was younger, back in primary school when i was too young to party my new year's eve away, sitting in front of the tv on a particular new year's eve watching one of those cheesy countdown parties. as they counted down to the new year, i was jumping around all excited under the watchful eye of my grandmother and my auntie. my auntie looked at me and said she used to feel the same as me, all wide-eyed and excited about the new year but not anymore. i felt really silly then. it was such a wet blanket seeing her so jaded and being so totally adult-like, always telling us about how when you're a grown-up, everything changes. damn bummer man! but now i can't help but feel the same. i avoid crowds, i hate all that hype about nothing at all, i hate growing up and feeling this way, like my youth is being spent. it's like spending lots of money on cheap clothes and yet always staring longingly at that beautiful gucci dress you could never afford. how do i say it... it's like wasting your past years on numerous cheap thrills but never having done anything that's a real blast, something you'll remember for the rest of your life.

i have a lot of scattered memories, and it's great when you call them up with good friends or your brothers or your other half and have a laugh or a cry over it. like how my brother and i used to pour milk (chocolate for me and banana for him) into little saucers and lick them up from the floor on all fours pretending we were cats.

anyway, this year, my new year's resolution is to be more heartless and less emotional, to cry less and laugh more. and also to gain more weight! i'm serious about this man. maybe learn how to cook (ok i'm purely paying lip service for this one). till then, the microwave oven shall be my best friend. cheers to the new year, and may we all stick to our resolutions, for once. love you guys =)

oh, happy new year!