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frankly my dear, i don't give a damn.
Friday, December 31, 2004 as many of you know, i've never really been into clubbing. don't ask me why, i don't know either. i think its because i'm not much of a drinker (yes, remind me a million and one times of the blackout incident) and i don't smoke either, and these two are pretty synonymous with clubbing aren't they? but i can never say no to good music and even better company, so i guess that's what keeps me going when persistent friends pester me to go. we all know the tragic story of being in a relationship, you lose all your friends because you reserve all your time for your boyfriend or girlfriend. i think that when friends ask you out, you should always say yes if you can, cos if you reject them all the time they'll just forget about asking you out altogether. so most of the time, for me its first-come-first-served, whoever dates me first will get to enjoy my splendid company ;) ok what i wanted to say from the start was that i enjoyed zouk on wednesday! because sharie and ma were there and i love them to death, not to mention the usual crowd jin jean and co., and it was one of those rare nights when jess forgoes sleep to grace a week night with his appearance. everytime i'm there on wednesdays, friends never fail to ask, "where's jess?" and i never fail to answer, "sleeping at home." rare, indeed. and it was genev's 21st birthday yay, her house is gorgeous and she's such a sweetheart. school starts in a little more than a week's time, wahlau! why why why? i haven't even gone jogging yet. or to the beach (the weather's horrible anyway.) or ktv. what the hell have i been doing. i don't care, ktv next week! NTU friends, join us if you can. happy new year's eve! Tuesday, December 28, 2004 i watched a world without thieves yesterday and it was surprisingly good! ok, anything with andy lau in it is definitely cool by my standards but the whole movie just didn't scream at me to watch it. plus, andy lau's hairstyle is ridiculous. the movie got really sad at the end and i cried, and i was still crying in the toilet after the movie. i don't care if anyone of you are going to watch it, but andy lau died. with his eyes open! and it was all because of his girlfriend rene liu who was pregnant with his child. i was thinking after the movie, is having a child really that life-transforming? rene liu and andy lau develop a conscience after they discover they are about to become parents. they do everything they can to make sure their child doesn't get born in jail, and not grow up to become a thief like themselves. and i can't even begin to list the thousands of movies (especially chinese ones) that show how much parents would give for their children. and yet, in the newspapers you read about mothers throwing their newborn from buildings, or on someone's doorstep, or down the rubbish chutes. i read the new paper that day and they featured some teenage girls who say their lifetime regret is their following of their parents' advice to abort their foetuses. i don't think i'll understand their trauma or misery unless i go through it myself. my mom has been through a couple of abortions and miscarriages, all not by choice. she loves kids, and she's always wanted a third child, but her health is so poor that the foetus never developed properly or died in her womb. she never told us anything, so i never knew about her pain. i wouldn't say i can't wait to be a mom, but i'm not one of those girls who profess their hatred for kids, cos i think they're adorable, but definitely a lot of work. but i think i will surely cry when i see my baby for the first time... sometimes i read or watch the news, and i see alot of parents having kids with problems like autism, polio, dyslexia, or whatever, and how much work their parents have to put in just so their kids can be normal, that i realise how much we take our normality for granted. my mom always complains about me, but she's also glad that i'm not a runaway juvenile delinquent and that i'm healthy and happy! :) so when i see these kids, i can't help but wonder about my own kids. what if *crosses fingers* this happens to me? one of those biological thingies like genes or chromosomes blah blah that are incompatible with your spouse's or combine to become some mutant hybrid yadda yadda. oh God, please bless me with bouncing babies that are plump when they are young but remain cute forever, thank you. Tuesday, December 21, 2004 i've been dreaming almost every night since the exams. it's extremely exciting, and in the weeks of hibernation whilst studying for the exams, i actually looked forward to going to bed cos dreaming offered the only form of escape from the humdrum and monotony of my cooped up life. but doesn't dreaming mean that i'm not sleeping well? dreamless sleep is the healthiest right? i can't remember, enlighten me someone. when i say i'm going to take an hour's nap, i actually need at least two hours because i actually take one hour to fall asleep. i wish i could fall asleep immediately, or within three minutes, like some people i know. they're out in a jiffy, and they start snoring afterwards. me, i lay there with my eyes closed, hoping that sleep will come, and it doesn't. ironically, my mind's most active when i go to bed. i think of everything in the world, mental debates and philosophical ponderings and that just keeps me up. having music on is worse, i'll start singing along or listening out for the melodies. i can't sleep with the lights on or the tv on in the living room. i can't sleep with jess's arms around me and i usually find myself all tensed up. i don't dare to try sleeping pills in case i get too dependent/die of an overdose/kill my insides. recently i've been sleeping 12 hours and i'm still tired. i love sleeping but i find no point in sleeping during the holidays. i must arrange my pillows and bolsters nicely before i can sleep. i have three pillows, two bolsters, two M's cushions, one stuffed doggie, one flounder, two bears and a blanket on my bed. before i sleep, the two pillows must on my right, one bolster on my left, the M's right behind the two bears on my right, and the doggie and flounder together on my left. i sleep on one pillow and with one bolster. there you have it, my love-hate relationship with sleeping. Thursday, December 9, 2004 time for a quick ramble before i scoot off to watch the second season of o.c.! i dreamt of eminem a few nights ago. imagine my surprise upon finding out that he was my co-host for some kids' program on nickelodeon; one of those silly shows like all that (which i love!) a CHILDREN'S show? eminem? that's almost as taboo as getting michael jackson to do it. you have no idea how bloody excited i was. after the show, i meant to tell jinling immediately what happened cos she's an eminem fan. i was gloating all the way until i turned on the tv and saw jinling and jean acting in a musical with eminem. a MUSICAL? jinling? very bizarre. i was surfing through goodplasticsurgery.com and its just-as-enlightening but definitely more entertaining sister site awfulplasticsurgery.com and i must say, it is a total slap in the face. gisele bundchen, the goddess whom i worship, whose body i wished for my own, has actually had a boob and nose job. ok, i am one of those people who genuinely wonder how some people in magazines can look so beautiful and lament sincerely that God is unfair. ah, the sweet smell of naivete in the morning. every damn person in hollywood has been under the knife. it's quite a consolation cos yay! we can look beautiful too. of course, botched surgery can make you look worse than when you started... at least gisele's boob and nose jobs were classified under good plastic surgery. i'm cool with plastic surgery, cos if it can make you happy, or like those people on extreme makeover, totally boost your self-esteem, then it's alright. just don't pull a michael jackson or a jocelyn wildenstein. that woman gives me the creeps. celebs like melanie griffith are so paying for it when they turn surgery into an obsession. oh, and i don't think plastic surgery should turn you into a totally different person. i kinda think all this anti-plastic-surgery is political. it's human nature to want to have an edge over other people, whether in wealth or power right? imagine if all ugly (or average-looking) ducklings can turn themselves into swans so easily, what the hell is the point in being a natural beauty? the edge you have is as useless as donald trump's combover. that is, very useless. the only thing you'd be spared is the painful memory of childhood ridicule. so anti-surgery people are probably beautiful people. oh oh oh i wish i could like upload all the pics from the site here but i am too lazy and i think its illegal too so i shall link you guys to some interesting ones: as much as i think paris hilton is gorgeous (sometimes, excluding her hook nose), she used to look terrible. puberty? are you sure this is even meg ryan? she used to be so cute. even those guai girls that i'd never imagined to have surgery did, like mandy moore and kate bosworth. welcome to the real world. even gwen stefani, to whom i used to express divine gratitude for making flat-chested girls cool, has jumped on the boob-enhancement bandwagon. *sobs* and yes, i do know this has been a completely shallow post. Tuesday, December 7, 2004 why i love my baby: mel. God, pls give me yoanna's face! says: so do u tink i can be *america's next top model* NUS gave up on me,Aust wants me,hence Mom gave up FUCKING SLK 4 Aust says: can NUS gave up on me,Aust wants me,hence Mom gave up FUCKING SLK 4 Aust says: ! NUS gave up on me,Aust wants me,hence Mom gave up FUCKING SLK 4 Aust says: your hair is super versatile NUS gave up on me,Aust wants me,hence Mom gave up FUCKING SLK 4 Aust says: face cute NUS gave up on me,Aust wants me,hence Mom gave up FUCKING SLK 4 Aust says: height is nice for an asian NUS gave up on me,Aust wants me,hence Mom gave up FUCKING SLK 4 Aust says: so u should send in yours for the next one okay! but later... NUS gave up on me,Aust wants me,hence Mom gave up FUCKING SLK 4 Aust says: but like i said NUS gave up on me,Aust wants me,hence Mom gave up FUCKING SLK 4 Aust says: dreaming is free NUS gave up on me,Aust wants me,hence Mom gave up FUCKING SLK 4 Aust says: chinese horoscope said pigs like to dream isn't he a doll?! Monday, December 6, 2004 i was so caught up in school work after my grandma's passing that i didn't even have time alone to grieve. it's such an irony... that i don't even have time for my grandma, even after her death. the days after the cremation were horribly difficult to pass, numbed by all the essay and project deadlines. it's a weird feeling, how the knowledge that you'll never see someone ever again makes their absence all the more pronounced. what i mean is... my grandma was always next door to me, living in the same block, but i never see her but yet i know she's around. but now that she's gone, i don't see her still, but this absence is so much more inundated with meaning... because i know i'll never ever see her again, only in my dreams. i haven't dreamt of her yet, unless you count that one fleeting one where i thought i saw her - a dead ringer! - and i thought to myself that it couldn't be, my grandma's gone. doesn't she have anything she wants to tell me? the day of her cremation would remain one of the most painful memories in my life. it's not even possible to recap, it just won't be justified. i can never look back without shedding a tear (or a bucketful.) in the days after that, i just felt utterly alone... it's at times like these when you know noone in the world will ever understand your grief except your family. my brother and i talked about it and i felt so much better, but other times i cry alone in the shower, or in my bed at night, and many times in jess's arms. it's a little late to do this, but i realised that it's been seven weeks since she's gone (they dismantled the altar table on saturday) and i'm finally able to not cry everytime i think of her... so thanks a million to those of you who offered your condolences, you guys are real sweet :) you know who you guys are... of course to those who took time to come to the wake - addie, eli, jia, mei, and jess (who was so sweet to fetch them all in the pouring rain. i love you.) and thanks chia, jin, huiyi and co. for the card :) it's only when you admit your grief and soak it up then are able to finally move on. |
