Addictive and consuming... Love's sweet pain.

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

i feel that i've been taking all this free time for granted. it's been a long time since i felt so liberated! in a sense that i don't feel any pressure to do anything (except maybe to get a job). i don't have to wake up at a certain time, and when i do wake up, i don't hear this voice in my head constantly reminding me that i have this tutorial to do, that test to study for or that essay to whip up. all those times when i was still in school, i always felt this sense of dread even in the holidays, cos there was always something not completed.

but now, all that has changed. i wake up at 4 pm (a new record!), sleep at 6 am, park myself in front of the tv or the computer 24/7, and the only thing i need my brain for is to decipher all those jokes in long-past-their-prime sitcoms like who's the boss? the only other reason why i read the newspapers is so i can check up the timeslots for shows i want to watch and record them in my trusty handphone calender.

outings with friends are the norm: movies, dinners, shopping. i mean, in almost no time, we'll be whisked away by school again people! so we should do something more.. exciting! we'll have to wait a long time before we get another brain-degenerating break like this. i'm thinking retirement year 2044.

but let's face it. in singapore, there's not that much we can do.

so how? i also don't know.

addicted @ 09:21 pm ||

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

rejoice! finally managed to add in a comment box. so sad, haloscan isn't adding new members so decided to use SquawkBox instead. my guestbook is still running though.

addicted @ 12:31 pm ||

wow this could be my earliest entry yet! ladies and gentlemen, its official: i just got back from a refreshing run. i'm nice and showered now and you have no idea how good it feels to be able to see the morning sun, considering the fact that i haven't seen it in a long long time.

well, it wasn't a run per se, unless you consider a run as taking a breather and slowing to a brisk walk once every 200 metres. in fact, the walk wasn't even brisk, more like senior-citizen-style walking. but what the hey - its a start! i'm doing this for all those people out there who have never fulfilled this part of their new year's resolution, for all those people out there who constantly vow to themselves that they're gonna start exercising tomorrow. let's just hope this wouldn't be a short-lived affair huh.

this run has reaffirmed my stand that running is the most torturous thing you can do to yourself when you're out of shape. you should have seen how pathetic i was, huffing and puffing all the way to that little hill further down from my house. it's been some time since i last did such running. it probably dated back to ummm, the last PE lesson i had in jc. so i ran a few rounds at the top of the hill (a very gross exaggeration). when i was going back, i thought: should i run all the way back and then take a lift up? or should i walk all the way back and run up the stairs?

i was weighing these two options for the longest time, until hey! i'm at my front door. ok kidding. i ran home and realised i've been gone for a measly 45 minutes. haha. just a question: are we supposed to run on an empty stomach? mine was empty except for hot milo sloshing around inside. got a little stitch now.

give me cycling any day. should i go for another run tomorrow?

good question..

addicted @ 10:07 am || pinch me

Sunday, April 27, 2003

to me, the most important thing in a relationship is honesty. alot of us get into relationships having this long and seemingly endless list of qualities we'd like our significant other to possess. kindness, trustworthiness, humour blah blah. many fights and quarrels later, there could be one ultimate quality that would be on top of your list.

awhile back, i wasn't getting as enough honesty from my relationship as i'd like. of course, they weren't blatant lies, more like attempts at withholding the truth. not telling me what i want to know, what i should know, what i need to know. bucketfuls of tears later, i realised that dishonesty was what hurt me most.

if you find the need to constantly lie to the person who supposedly is the one individual who matters most to you, then there's something seriously wrong with your relationship. no relationship based on a pack of lies can withstand the test of time.

i would rather be told the painful truth and get it over with by screaming, yelling and crying for days on end, than to be hit with the awful truth months later, and wondering why the hell i was so stupid not to have seen thru it earlier. it stings, and you start to really wonder if you were really as smart as previously thought. and guys, when we ask you questions, answer it truthfully damn it! keeping the truth under wraps would just make us concoct all sorts of worst case scenarios of what you are actually trying to hide. if there's one thing you haven't learnt about girls, it sure as hell wouldn't be the hard fact that girls have wild, and i mean out-of-this-world, imaginations.

if people ask me what the secret to a long lasting relationship is, i'd say it is to keep expectations low. it would put no pressure on either parties, and this would in turn create a relaxed atmosphere for love to blossom.

ok that sounded like something straight out of a book written by some love professor or something. like what do i know about forever love? i guess it doesn't hurt (yet) to believe in forever.. i'm more an idealist than a realist in matters of the heart, or, as some may say, a hopeless romantic. pretty tragic huh?

missing someone can do that to you sometimes..

addicted @ 02:59 am || pinch me

Saturday, April 26, 2003

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
when he stares at me you know he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love

I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause its me he trusts
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tells his soul..

it's nights like these when i miss you the most..

hurry home ok?

happy anniversary =)

addicted @ 02:09 am || pinch me

Friday, April 25, 2003

Business Trends called me at around 2.20 pm. It was for a data entry job with Standard Chartered Bank. Duration would be for a month and work will start this coming Monday. They needed six people for the job so I can count on having some colleagues about the same age as me. Sounds pretty good huh? But guess what..

I rejected it.

As much as I complain about my state of joblessness, this offer just came at the wrong time. If work were to start the week after next, I'd have taken it up in a flash. And why? Jess is returning from field camp next Wednesday night and his five day block leave will commence from maybe Thursday onwards. I'm not gonna let any job interfere with that! Yes, that's lovelorn Melody for you. After his block leave, I should be able to handle a 5.5-day-a-week job.

But honestly, I don't really feel the kick to work at all after bumming around for so long. I'm in a state of inertia right now. I'm also not that keen on office work. I really hate dressing up corporate style. It's bad enough that I have to earn my own money, I sure don't want to shell out more bucks to pay for working clothes. A daily wardrobe crisis is more than I can handle.

But then again, I shouldn't complain if I really wanna earn some money right? I guess I'll just hafta hope that Joan calls me back again. I'm such a fusspot sometimes.

Was in a pretty shitty mood just now, so I splurged on lots of (practical) rubbish. I don't know why, but girls feel it's ok to justify their impulse buying and bingeing by their moods. Sometimes when I'm sad or mad, I think, "What the hell. I deserve a new top/shoes/jeans!" and then proceed to buy down almost the entire store.

My appetite's shrinking. I can get by with just a meal a day, usually dinner, and I hardly snack in between. Sometimes I worry that I may just disappear into thin air and sometimes I just can't be bothered.

addicted @ 05:11 pm || pinch me

Wow it's friday already! This week is passing by fast huh. Anyway, I think I should archive my entries already cos the page is getting pretty damn long. But I can't bring myself to do it cos april's not over yet! Cutting the month halfway would just ruin all form of organization. I'm such a freak I know.

I caught View from the Top with Jin and Carol today. Gwyneth sure looks whore-ish in there. She really should stick with wholesome-image roles. She's got this really classy look, and her hair is just amazing. I think she looked gorgeous in Shallow Hal. Of course I meant the slim Gwyneth in there, not the whale. View from the Top is just your average movie. I felt pretty empty after watching it. It's one of those movies you can't describe. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't great either. It's just one of those movies you'd describe using that hand action where you hold your palm out face-down with fingers spaced out and see-saw it side to side, with your scrunched up mouth saying "so-so".

I've seen many movies in my (short) lifetime and there are many ranked up there in the high heavens, and some down in the lowest pits. Some of the most un-enjoyable are as follows (in no particular order):

- Meet Joe Black (so boring but Brad Pitt was hot!)

- A Perfect Murder (a letdown for a Gwyneth movie. I almost fell asleep.)

- Wonder Boys (it was a very hyped up show but I really did not see what the fuss was about.)

- Autumn In New York (I know some people will disagree on this, but I think Winona was a tad too irritating for me here.)

- Mansfield Park (and whose bright idea was this? All I can remember of this is that the lead actress looked like Mariah.)

Ok that's all I can think of right now but trust me, there's alot more to add to this list. I just can't remember any.

As for favourite movies, the list could go on forever. Every movie is unique and I like them for different reasons. Some movies didn't make a big impression on me.. But I remember them because of the people who watched them with me. Great company makes for a great movie.. well, almost.

addicted @ 03:40 am || pinch me

Thursday, April 24, 2003

The second season of the Bachelor doesn't seem to be as exciting as the first. Ok maybe cos I'm only on my second episode and it's already down to 3 girls. I remember waiting to watch every single episode of the first season. Now I'm wondering why I actually bothered cos Aaron's so much hotter than what's-his-name? Alex. And Aaron isn't cock-eyed, as I thought so in the beginning.

Ok besides the fact that the second bachelor is much more desirable than the first, there's not much to anticipate cos I think the remaining girls on The Bachelor 2 are really boring. Helene reminds me of Shannon. Brooke reminds me of Kim. None of them have half the looks of Trista. Gwen's 31!

But of course, I guess things are gonna heat up next week cos they're having that overnight date thing. What really amazes me is how the girls are so sure that they're totally falling in love with Aaron. I know time shouldn't be the deciding factor of how well two people can click, but in the long run, a solid foundation built on the principle of taking things slow would do wonders for a relationship.

Honestly, I don't think they really like him all that much. It's just the kick of competing with so many other gorgeous women that make them believe that he really is perfect. Like fighting over territory. It's no mystery that women wouldn't notice something unless everyone's fighting over it. Ummm.. like say you've been with your boyfriend for many years. He may be the most drop dead gorgeous guy around, but familiarity has blunted you from his gorgeousness. Then if this girl/girls/sluts suddenly came into the picture acting all droolsy over him, you'd probably feel this threat and be fiercely protective and get all jealous like "HE'S MINE!" Ok I don't know if this analogy made sense or not, but what I'm saying is that the girl who finally gets the guy would feel a hell of a winner.

Another thing that would make them feel all woozy and lightheaded is the setting. Come on, a beautiful beach house, dream dates that get you all dressed up like Cinderella with a tiara to match.. basking on a yacht.. gambling in Las Vegas.. if this isn't life, I don't know what is. Basically, they make you feel like a million dollars doing things you'd never ever have done in your simple, mundane life. They travel in a stretch limo for goodness' sake. You feel like you're living in a dream and what's a dream without a Prince Charming? They're just playing up on your materialistic desires. Life won't be the same once the show is over.

Having a video camera in your face 24/7 also serves as a boost for some people. I can't explain it. It's like they know they're gonna be on television so their minds manipulate them in such a way that they feel like they wana put on a good show. Ok this last point is abit I-duno-what-I'm-talking-about, but I hope you get my gist.

Can true love ever be found on TV? Catch it next week on The Bachelor 2, Wednesday nights 10 pm on Channel 5. Or don't waste your time, cos we all already know that the answer is no. Or what the hell, catch it cos it's pretty damn interesting.

addicted @ 02:06 am || pinch me

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

spinning: wo yuan yi by faye wong

What a great song :) But I'd rather listen to Jay Chou's rendition during his concert back in Jan! Then can imagine him serenading me.. *dreams*

Listening to the chinese cd I asked ma to burn for me and it rocks. Filled with all the sappy love songs I love :) I'm a closet romantic if some of you didn't already know.

But so sad cos ma didn't manage to squeeze in fen shou ba by chang chen-yue :( It's a good song.. I should've struck off that aniki jin or shunzi song! But ma didn't manage to find fen shou ba anyway so it's not so bad.. Thanks girl!

Chong: This is quite bad but can you hurry up get sacked soon? Come and pei wo! I'm really bored shitless. And since I'm jobless, I'm trying not to spend so much by going out. Haha but of course, exceptions can be made.. I feel like baking cookies. Ask The Learning Lab to hurry up pay me also pls! Glad you had a nice birthday.. 19 is a crappy year. I can just feel it in my bones.

a star fell @ 03:56 am || kiss me

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And Summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd:
But thy eternal Summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

~ Sonnet XVIII, William Shakespeare

Nothing short of being one of Shakespeare's most well-known sonnets. One of my favourites, no less.

I wished I'd continued taking literature. Nothing can quite hit the bull's eye like lit can. In secondary school, I really enjoyed literature (of course, doing well in it is another story.), especially poem appreciation. But I guess the sheer load of texts we had really killed off that interest. I would have enjoyed it more if it wasn't for exams-purposes.

Anyway, surprise! My first post at a reasonable hour of the day. It's raining now and I really hope I don't get wet when I'm off to meet ma and sharie for dinner. I hate rain. I really should go buy an umbrella soon.

a star fell @ 03:58 pm || kiss me

Check out the new layout! (Please tell me you can see it) Spent a damn long time trying to work around the dumb templates. Still not completely satisfied with it though. Been trying to add links but it always screws up!

Nevermind lah horh? Who needs links anyway?

a star fell @ 05:06 am || kiss me

Monday, April 21, 2003

I just realised I've never added any entries before 12 am. I'm an owl.

Jess has returned to tekong. He had to report at 8.55 pm at the Pasir Ris bus terminal. I had such a sweet time with him this Easter weekend :) Oh where oh where did all that time go to?

Life with him is just blissful :) He's everything I could ever wish for bundled in one package, served to me on a silver platter. Topped with whipped cream, caramel, cherries and almond nuts. Could life be any better?

His field camp's on next wednesday for a full week. After that it's 5 days of block leave! *cheers* Counting down till then..

My parents aren't allowing me to get a job during this SARS crisis, and seeing how they won't support my spendthrift habits, I think I'll hafta put my itchy fingers on hold. Bummer! I've got so many things I want to buy! And I'm bored senseless. Almost all my friends are working so it really sucks to not be able to find people to hang out with. What the hell. Damn you, SARS!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YVONNE CHONG CHIN LENG! *hugs* You're working on your birthday. That really sucks. Cos that's what I did on mine this year. But still, have a wonderful 19th babe :) Love ya..

a star fell @ 03:40 am || kiss me

Sunday, April 20, 2003

Oh my goodness. It's Sunday already?!

Times passes so fast when you're spending time with the love of your life. Grr.

I'm eating Twix now for fear that it'll melt in my bag overnight. I seem to have forgotten that I have a fridge to handle that. Now there's caramel stuck all over my teeth! Argh. But Twix is just heavenly.

Saddam Hussein Trivia:

1. His favorite movie is The Godfather.

2. He loves Frank Sinatra and occasionally dances to Strangers in the Night. (which, by the way, is a great Sinatra song. Another personal fave is My Way.)

3. He relaxes by watching people get tortured on video tape, while drinking whisky on rocks and wearing a cowboy hat.

Now my tooth hurts from Twix. Damn the chocolate!

(Jess bought it for me actually.. *aww*)

a star fell @ 03:15 am || kiss me

Saturday, April 19, 2003

"The best thing that has ever happened to me is that I chose the right girl."

Upon seeing a Dove ad:

"Hair needs moisture to be beautiful;
I need Melody to stay alive."

*smiles*

a star fell @ 05:15 am || kiss me

Friday, April 18, 2003

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ONG JINLING! *hugs* Finally you're as mature as me haha.. Hope you liked your present from me, I really love the soft bear.. and don't we look just fantastic in the picture? ;)

Had a blast at one of our not-so-usual gatherings today! By "our", i mean the whole gang - Carol, Chia, Chong, Jane, Jean, Jinling, Nanda and of course, yours truly :)

Started off the day meeting Chong at Orchard to buy a last present for Jin (oops) and then rushing all the way to Tanah Merah mrt station to meet the rest. As usual, everyone was late.. WHAT'S NEW? Chong and I actually left Orchard at the time we were supposed to be at Tanah Merah.. Bumped into Chia at City Hall and she showed us photos from her holiday with Bear, so sweet.. *aww*

After devouring some katong laksa *yum*, we went to play some pool at the sleazy place Jin loves to go.. Made a hell lot of noise laughing at Chia and Nanda as usual and getting all competitive in our very own pool championships hurhur. I love hanging out with my girls, they just brighten up my day and make everything so sunshiney and fun :)

Stocked up on some groceries at Cold Storage and headed straight to Jin's after Jean and Jin collected their winnings from yesterday's soccer match. Firstly, I love grocery-shopping, esp in nice big supermarkets like Cold Storage. Nothing makes me feel more homey than walking down those aisles of food, thinking of all the dishes I could make (if I knew how). Secondly, I've never betted on a single soccer match in my entire life. I'd probably be more interested in watching the matches if I did.

It's been almost 2 years since I last stepped into Jinling's house. Ok I don't think it's that long but it's a pretty long time still. Nothing much has changed, except that cute lil Darren wears glasses now! So cute.. Love the way he smiles when he helps us take photos hehe. Don't think he remembers us much though. Oh and Jinling's room is much neater now too. Jean's present for her is just so cool, a beautiful collage of memories :)

Went for a nice afternoon swim and it sucks cos there wasn't much sun! So all the white chickens will hafta wait for the next time. We played a great game of netball-cum-waterpolo, put up a pretty good fight with the opposing team - Yvonnes/"Natasha" (???) Hi-five Jean and Jane! Great way to burn off some calories.

We piled on the calories as soon as we lost them cos the BBQ started and we practically stuffed ourselves silly. Special thanks to Jin's parents and of course Jean, our resident cook :) The food was damn good, except for some chaotah sausages here and there (and chicken wings and beef kebabs and..) The moon was so round and the stars so clear, the clouds sparsely scattered in the night sky.. Good food, good friends.. That's life man.

Ended off with a birthday song for Jin and Chong (whose birthday's on the 21st) and blackforest cake so sweet you could get diabetes. Too bad Jane, Chia and Nanda missed the cake.. Chong and I left after helping to clear up with a few regrets - badminton, playstation, mahjong and cycling. But there's always next time.. right Captain Ong?

I had a ball of a time today, thanks babes! You girls are the best gifts God can give to someone like me.. I never fail to have a great time with y'all.. Looking forward to our next gathering at Jean's house.. Don't pang seh us again ah!

a star fell @ 02:08 am || kiss me

Thursday, April 17, 2003

Recruit Express is way more efficient than Business Trends. But nothing they offered seems to be right for me!

09:51 am: I was rudely awaken by a phone call from Kelly, my agent (if that's what you call them), who offered me a job at Gleneagles Hospital handing out application forms to patients at the entrance and being at the beck-and-call of the office staff. Though Gleneagles is a private hospital and the probability of getting infected with SARS (what's new?) is lower, I didn't want to take a risk. So, no thanks Kelly.

Back to sleep.

12:04 pm: Kelly calls and wakes me up again (!!) offering me a job doing administrative work for a few days in an office at Bugis. Perfect!

"So when do I start work?"

"Oh, can you go down today? Like say, 1.30 pm?"

I was like, WHAT?! That's in 1.5 hours! I'm desperate for a job, but not that desperate. So I declined.

So that's 2 job offers in a span of 2 hours. And I only signed up with them yesterday. Impressive, considering I haven't heard a single thing from Business Trends with whom I signed up with last week?

But the bottomline is, I'm still jobless! Am I too picky? Would you accept the aforementioned jobs? Let's just hope Kelly calls me again. But till next week, I think I shall leave my handphone off when I go to bed.

He's booking out tomorrow! *cheers*

a star fell @ 01:54 am || kiss me

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Lying wide awake under strange skies
Wanting to call you but it is late at night
And you're far away, but you are always on my mind
I feel like I'm on fire, nothing I can do,
I'm troubled with doubt, though I know it is not true
And it's times like these when I am
Dying to speak to you, I'm dying to get through,
I'm dying to speak to you, dying to get through..

~ Ash :: Lost In You

a star fell @ 03:14 am || kiss me

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

I bless the day I found you,
I want to stay around you
And so I beg you, let it be me.

Don't take this heaven from one,
If you must cling to someone
Now and forever, let it be me.

Each time we meet love,
I find complete love
Without your sweet love,
What would life be?

So never leave me lonely,
Tell me you'll love me only
And that you'll always let it be me.

If for each bit of gladness,
Someone must taste of sadness
I'll bear the sorrow, let it be me.

No matter what the price is,
I'll make the sacrifices
Through each tomorrow, let it be me.

To you I'm praying,
Hear what I'm saying
Please let your heart beat
For me, just me.

And never leave me lonely,
Tell me you'll love me only
And that you'll always let it be me.

Let it be me..

~ Your favourite song, just for you.

I love you..

a star fell @ 04:11 am || kiss me

How many of you think I should change this layout? Sad to say, it's not possible till I figure out what I can do to freshen things up and more importantly, how to.

I'm officially jobless and a shopping addict. Now that's a lethal combination. How? Was supposed to find a job with ma but that lucky girl got a call from her job agency for a 2 week admin stint at Standard Chartered Bank. I hate job searching alone! I hate being alone.

I've got so many things on my wish list! Tell me what to do! *tears out hair*

Now that I've got a new discman, I just feel like burning every damn cd I like on this planet and not spend another cent on cds anymore! But I don't have a writer and I feel really bad asking for favours. I'm really traditional when it comes to technology stuff. I'd rather get a discman than an MD, and I'd rather get a really good normal camera than a digital one. Maybe I'm a technophobe.

I borrowed a book from the library today using ma's I/C cos I have "outstanding transactions". Turns out I owed the library $26.20 in fines cos I borrowed Take That's Greatest Hits book for over a year. So I'm banned from the library! Thank goodness I still have good friends like ma, haha. Borrowed Alex Garland's The Beach (obviously inspired by yesterday's show) and recommended a trashy teen book to ma which I'm sure she will enjoy as much as I did.

Okay this is a pretty crappy entry. Think I shall go sleep. May go down to sign up at Recruit Express tomorrow with ma, depending on what time I get my ass outta bed. Ok lah, good night world!

a star fell @ 03:24 am || kiss me

Monday, April 14, 2003

When you develop an infatuation for someone, you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. It doesn't need to be a good reason. Taking photographs of the night sky, for example. Now in the long run, that's just the kind of dumb irritating habit that would cause you to split up. But in the haze of infatuation, it's just what you've been searching for all these years.

a star fell @ 03:38 am || kiss me

Today I went to the temple with my family to burn offerings to our ancestors and of course, to JJ. It was so smoky that my eyes couldn't stop watering, and they really hurt cos I didn't get enough sleep the night before. Maybe around 3 hours?

I prayed for peace and well-being for our family and asked my grandfather to please take care of JJ. I hope they're delighted to have a new addition to the family =)

Got home just in time for my bath and The Beach. It is hands-down, one of my favourite movies ever. I hope to experience the backpacking lifestyle one day in search of adventure in other lands. It would be nice to have Jess with me, just like Etienne and Francoise.. I know how much he loves beach life =)

If only we could just throw our commitments to the wind, drop everything - your family, your friends, the comfort of modern life - and just do something carefree like that. It would take a lot of guts and frankly, I doubt I'd be able to do that. Maybe one day in the future....

a star fell @ 03:28 am || kiss me

Sunday, April 13, 2003

Seeing jess at last =)

Visited jess at tekong today, I haven't seen him for 8 days! He's grown darker, and his face has slimmed down quite abit. Not sure how much more muscular he's become, since he was dressed in his long four (spelling?), so his biceps were hidden from view. But baby's still as cute as ever, especially with his shaven head =) The visit was pretty anti-climax, because we didn't do much catching up. His mom was there so it wasn't convenient to talk, and we couldn't hold hands or hug on this damn island.. I was surprised at how little I had to say but jess did all the talking. More like complaining, to his mom. Sometimes I'm worried that the guys here will beat him up hoping that would shut him up. But that's the way he is, he hasn't changed a single bit, just the way I like him =) I find it pretty amusing to see guys marching alone. Saw a few familiar faces like david and kwanyi. When it was time to leave, we waved reluctant goodbyes and headed for the ferry.. It was pretty heartening to see jess's mom stealing longing looks at jess marching back, I guess army life has done their relationship good, at least they don't bicker anymore.. and jess realises how tough it is to wash clothes.. gawd I miss him*

Rest In Peace JJ =(

My brother msged me at around 8pm+ to tell me that JJ was gone.. And I started sobbing in the middle of the lingerie section at takashimaya. It really hit me hard. I thought I'd have slowly gotten over it cos I was already prepared for it to happen. I guess deep inside I hoped that it was just a minor constipation problem but my dad was right - it was cancer and it was already in its terminal stages. The only humane thing we could do was to relieve JJ from his pain and put him to sleep. I take comfort in the fact that at least he's not hurting anymore but it's just so hard to believe that he's gone.. Was tearing on the mrt all the way home, I didn't even care that everyone was stealing looks at me.. My JJ's gone =( My brother was pretty upset and he suggested that we make a dog figure out of a shoebox and put stuff in it for JJ, it'll be JJ's wife. So there we were in the living room cutting and pasting for 3 hours, we put in his doggie snacks and my dad even made a "bone" for him and put it in too.. My bro's 18 yrs old and I'm 19, it seems pretty ridiculous but I guess sad people do crazy things. We wrote his name on it - "JJ Ng" - and drew pawprints and wrote "RIP". The "dog" was done, complete with long felt ears, nose, tongue, legs, a tail. We're gonna cremate it tomorrow.. I put up JJ's picture in a frame.

JJ will live on in our hearts.. don't forget us JJ, we'll always love you *hugs*

Can someone tell me how to stop the tears.. *cries*

a star fell @ 02:59 am || kiss me

Saturday, April 12, 2003

Me, ma and sharie met at tanjong pagar to get some job searching done at International Plaza today. I signed up with Business Trend but job opportunities seemed bleak.. I mean, I wasn't even asked to take a proficiency test! The lady just told me she'll get me to take the test another day when a job requiring PC skills comes up.

Next up, a meeting with this surveyor guy who asked ma to do a survey some time back. After umming and ahhing for a long time about whether we should meet the guy (who adamantly refused to divulge anything on what what was in store for us at the "meeting"), we decided to call him. Who knows, it could be a road to success! It was raining cats and dogs and I got cranky. I really hate rain. I hate rainwater splashing between my toes and wet feet. It irks me.

The "meeting" turned out to be quite rubbishy, like a getting-to-know-you session and looking into several small offices and seeing people who don't seem to be doing any work at all. But the staff there had great vision - to take over the whole tower of other small companies. Ambitious, but impressive. And the staff were like poly students, N-level students and army-boys-to-be? All clad in shirts and ties, no less. I was still pretty confused about our being there, but too bad we couldn't learn more due to our "university interview somewhere in the west". Lame excuse to excape. But I'm honestly pretty curious, and they sounded like they could have something in store for us. Like jobs. Since it's a new company and all, it could go somewhere! I mean, their assistant manager is like 20 yrs old? So, who knows what potential the 3 of us could have?

We do have immense potential in retail therapy though, haha. We bought the whole army market down when we went there to shop shop.. spent 100 plus bucks today, but half of it was for jess's army shirts that I hafta to pass to him tomorrow. Can't wait to see him!

Better sleep now - don't want to have panda eyes when I finally get to see him tomorrow =)

a star fell @ 12:42am || kiss me

spinning: david tao - pu tong peng you

David tao's ballads are just so depressing =( But I love this song! It's so.. sappy. I'm a sucker for sappy love songs.

But this song is making me more depressed than I am now.. My dad is taking JJ to the vet tomorrow. JJ's sick, he hasn't cleared his bowels in a week. I'm worried sick. My dad's diagnosis: intestinal cancer. I don't know how right he is but JJ hasn't been in the best of health. If it's serious, we may have him put to sleep. I was so sad when my dad said that, I hid in the bathroom and cried. Poor JJ! I've been such a horrible owner, I'm rarely home and I never play with him. He's had such a deprived puppyhood, and now this. I feel like shit. I'm just so depressed, I can't stop crying..

I really hope everything will be okay, and that I'm just overreacting. I can't imagine how life would be like, not seeing him at the door everytime I come home.. *prays for JJ's health*

I really wished that I could talk to Jess and tell him the news but I didn't think I'd be able to get him.. But he actually called! Then I sobbed it out to him and he got upset too. JJ's so special to both of us.. Thanks baby for trying to console me.. I guess I really needed to talk to someone who loves JJ like I do.. Love you*

a star fell @ 12:23 am || kiss me

Friday, April 11, 2003

Argh. Was so pissed at pitas! One of their make changes buttons didn't work and got me so frustrated! Had to do lotsa editing to make my page back to normal. But at least now it's done, phew!

Poor ma had to endure my ranting, poor girl! Sorry ma and thanks for trying to make me cool down, haha. Sigh sometimes I wish I wasn't such a perfectionist and can take things easy regarding work. I can never just leave things hanging and unfinished. What a freak.

On a brighter note, Jess has confirmed with me all the proceedings for visiting day on sat! Had to call his mom to inform her of some stuff. I also hafta make a trip down to the army market to help him stock up on t-shirts and singlets. He's been wearing the same one for the past duno how many days *eww* He's never washed his clothes before, ever. So you can imagine his sorry plight in the army now! *sayang*

Don't know if anyone is actually reading this (anybody?) but if you're like an IT whiz, can you just enlighten me on javascripting? I'm such a failure in that! Actually wanted to use the commenting system by Enetation but cos i couldn't figure out the scripting, so had to use this guestbook thing instead.

Job hunting tomorrow. Wish me luck!

a star fell @ 03:12am || kiss me

Thursday, April 10, 2003

It's so hard to believe
I don't have you right beside me
As I long to touch you
But you're out of my reach
And my heart doesn't feel
It's so very cold inside me
Just a shadow of someone that I used to be..

~ Mariah Carey

a star fell @ 02:58 am || kiss me

What a day.

First of all, I had to wake up SO damn early for work. The late nights have rendered me sleepless yesterday night so I really didn't feel like getting out of bed. Oh yea, it turns out the place we were working at, The Learning Lab at United Square, IS the education centre with the rabbits! They were so adorable, I like the brown one better. But alas, we were not meant to be. Didn't even get a chance to stay in the same place as the rabbits.

I met ma bright and early for Burger King breakfast cos we, budget queens, had coupons! Then had a nice morning tete a tete before we trotted off to United Square. Had to do lotsa admin stuff like typing typing till I went dizzy, and categorizing all the forms alphabetically. That's my fave part! Cos I got to chitchat with chong and ma since we were all doing it together hehe. Poor chia and sumei had to do the shitty typing stuff.

But my stupid period just HAD to come today and I was plagued by cramps all afternoon. The aircon blowing -10 degrees celsius air didn't help either. Just found out alot of the interns there were ex-RGS girls. Wow. The pantry had this jar of really, and I mean really good chocolate chip cookies, which were oddly, rectangular in shape. I swore to find out the brand but I forgot! *sobz*

Finished work at 7pm and went to eat in town. Can't remember much of what happened cos I was so damn tired and the cramps were just killing me. Must start popping my evening primrose oil pills again. By the way, they really work!

Jess's mom is so nice to me! She actually bought me the discman I wanted, when all I asked of her was whether she could help me haggle for a lower price. I better buy her some tanjong rhu pau to thank her for her kindness =)

a star fell @ 12:36 am || kiss me

Wednesday, April 9, 2003

Ok tell me if this layout is ugly. Pitas have such limited templates! A real test of HTML skills. I don't know why but pitas reminds me of pinatas, and also of tacos. So it has a very mexican feel to it overall.

Anyhoo! My very first entry how exciting! Haha. I guess now's a pretty good time to start a blog cos I'm so free, with all the waiting for school to start. And of course, with all the SARS viruses floating around.. What else is better to do at home than this? (On top of turning into a couch potato.)

Jess called me just now! *beams* We talked for 21 mins and 47 secs. Call me a freak but these nightly (sometimes bi-nightly) phone calls are so damn precious. My only form of communication you know? I just hope that visiting day on saturday is for real.. can't wait to see him!

Ok got a one-day stint tomorrow at United Square. Doing some admin work for Sumei's workplace. I wonder if it's that education centre with all the rabbits.. If so then I hope we get to play with them! Dream on..

Good night world =)

a star fell @ 01:11am || kiss me