so here's your last chance for redemption* 1054h. 300405.

Last day of April. Warggg-

EOIs are so, so near. Can somebody please send me the schedule? INet refuses to let me open the file -.-

Mugging's been going fine. Although I have to work harder nyehhh. Am gonna finish up Physics today yey Physics is love! Am praying I do well, otherwise.. Sigh.

Am so full of nothingness and emptiness right now. How paradoxical. But I guess that's what life as a student is supposed to be. All you do is devote yourself to work. Revision. Projects. Books files notes pencils graphs paper everything arrr. PLUS on top of that there are still CCA commitments, goodness! And we can't complain cos it'll get us nowhere. Disgustingly pathetic. Nevermind we'll just slog on and keep slogging.

So unappreciated I hate the way I don't hate you Upset and there's nothing I can do But waste minutes away Wishing you were here Painful You don't understand How it's eating me from the inside No escape The last time I tried your hold on me kept tightening I had to run back Now that I'm here you're gone Wishing you were here

): I want to tell you that I miss you, I miss you so.

menjadi seperti yang kau minta* 2038h. 260405.

I am so tired! Today I was a walking zombie. Didn't help that the day was so long and draggy and time seemed to pass so slowly and we had all the heavy subjects. Nyeh. Nevermind Thursday is coming! But sigh that just means we're so close to EOIs. Which I err haven't finished studying for, so hmm. BUT I MUST PASS EVERYTHING. Grrrrr.

SYF was yesterday. We did better than expected, or maybe it's just us who're disillusioned. Or maybe because Kak Faridah sets very high standards for all her schools but hey that worked didn't it? She rocks man. 3 golds and 1 silver which is reeeeal great compared to 2 years back when the numbers were the other way around hehehe. We were so ecstatic, jumping around and screaming. I felt pretty emotionless actually, like it hadn't really sunk in yet. But the tension before that was real bad man. Fanis, Noo and I were so nervous and so was everyone else la. Hab was crying even before the emcee announced the results o.O Heheh. And yes! He took SO long (okayla maybe time just stood still, but hurrr) our hearts and stomaches were making somersaults la. Thank goodness for the Loyang guys who provided great comic relief! :D "Ehhh your hairbands are different. Why one got updownupdown the other one straight?" "Eyy same shoes! *guy sticks out foot* Same meh?" "So last 2 years you got a Gold. Now maybe a goalpost? Then next two years... goal ball. Then referee, then.. HAHAHA" "Us? Ohh. We got rainbow"

Okay it doesn't sound as funny here but hehehehee. They drove us up the wall, the sides of our mouths were aching after laughing so much. Reached school, packed up and left the room still in shambles =p =p =p And went for dinner with batchies and juniors. Amazing and amusing lot (((: We took neoprints after that. Imagine tryna squeeze 10 people into a shot. Woa it was damn kecoh and it got even more kecoh when it came to designing HAHAHA.

Was a great day in all I LOVE YOU ANGKLUNGERS! Thanks everyone for doing your bit for the Orchestra. Sorry guys I make the most contradicting comments like "Eh people must smile and move kay?" whilst having a blank face myself OOPS. x) Extra kudos goes to the Sec1s who kept their promise and didn't stare at the scores on stage yeayyy. I knew you guys could do it (: Love you all to bits and pieces and let's not forget our dearest Kak Faridah hahaha even though she probably has gotten us so pissed and pressurized time and again. And Mrs Goh who's always so sweet and accommodating and Mr Azahar for just being there. HAHA. Let's throw a big party together with the other schools. Or something (;

I realised I forgot to add in one part. ERIC THE MACP PB PLAYER hahahahahahaha. But I shan't say anymore. Am tired and have alot to do. Ohh will update pics soon. Although we didn't take much =( What a waste!

Tuhan sengaja menduga kita* 1934h. 230405.

Some day I just keep pretending That you'll stay dreaming of a different ending I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad And I can't keep something that I never had You don't see me You don't feel me like I feel you

Hm. I'm upset, for many different reasons, but what can I do. Life's being hard on me. Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga. How apt, really. Just yesterday I realised how nothing is guaranteed. I faltered at the one thing I do best. It hit me real hard, you don't know how painful it is having to go through one failure after another. But I have to keep going, keep pushing on because I know that (yes, very cliche but still.!) there's a light shining brightly at the end of the tunnel. I'll accept it all as challenges and as God's tests of my own patience. (To sidetrack: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! Heh.) Well it's like I'm always stuck on second gear. But at least I know now that nothing stays the way it is for long. Things change? Yeah. All the time.

I'm so full of flaws. So much for the perfectionist I used to be. Will things turn around in time?

I hope everyone bucks up. Competition is a mere 43 hours away. No way am I gonna let all that time and effort the majority of us sacrificed, go to us getting a silver. Goodness. I don't care. It was a promise I made to the seniors - that I was gonna make sure we carried on the legacy. You never win the silver, you only lose the gold.

And I'm gonna miss Anwar Robinson's Idol performances. Why did they have to vote him out? Ergfff. There goes my Rastafarian. Sigh. Never mind. He can be my lucky number seven <3

if it's good for you then it's good for me* 2253h. 190405.

I'm tired! But tonight was good. The showcase was alright (: Taufik's real suave. And his brother looks so much like him please! The hair and bodybuild hahaha, only his face is a little wider. Saw so many people; Haney, Suhaimi (hahaha Arina: You missed Police&Thief right? There's Sgt Dolah for you! =p), Aide Iskandar, Dira, Ain, USTZH KALSOM hahahaha and hmmm. Many many la [: Aide was so charming! He flashed me the most charming smiles lol cos when the crowd was walking down the stairs, I turned my back to talk to Ely and then saw him from far and I guess he thought I was trying to sneak some peeks at him la. BUT WHO CARES. He smiled so nicely (even Taufik can lose) I practically fainted hahaha and he smiled more than once! Yey go Aide. (: Too bad he's married. Hurhurhur.

I've been eating alot of biscuits these days. Biscuits for breakfast, biscuits for recess, biscuits for lunch, biscuits for dinner... And usually for supper as well. Or for the snacks in between. Omgsh I'm turning into a biscuit girl! Hmmmm if I were a biscuit I'd wanna be a peanut butter one! Or the vegetable+cheese kind that Lexus has. Yum :9 But seriously la. Given a plate of rice+veg+rendang and a tub of biscuits, I'd probably pick the latter, anytime. Is that supposed to be bad? x)

And I think I no longer like wearing contacts. I think they're just making my eyesight worse.

I want to escape. If only it was as easy as hitting the Esc on the keyboard.

against all odds* 2234h. 140405.

Why is it so difficult for them to trust me I really don't understand Hello I'm the one in-charge here, not her or anybody else Ack if you find it so difficult to have faith in me then why pick me in the first place Oh please don't tell me you got us mixed up Why do people enjoy making themselves feel so superior, and others so stupid I mean what sadistic satisfaction does it give, dammit Huh in your face you greedy idiot People are so full of themselves I know I'm making a generalisation here but that's the truth isn't it All talk no action You guys only know how to complain this and say that but when it comes to doing things you leave it all for others to do Keep saying and reminding yet nothing gets done And yet you have the cheek to bloody complain I could just wring all of your necks I hate this bloody attitude it's reigning everywhere Society's moving from bad to worse Nobody really cares about anybody anymore everyone's living in their own selfish little worlds with only themselves to think about I want to yell and scream my head off but I'm sure a good cry would be better Don't know how tomorrow will be, please let us not disappoint again I don't know how he is right now why isn't he talking nor opening up Anwar Robinson rocks, really though I doubt he's gonna win So take a look at me now, so much I've gotta face When you tell me that you love me, shining like a candle in the dark Being around juniors is love they make me forget all my troubles I manage to laugh even at the darkest moments Really treasure you guys and the few closest friends of mine, you people are the ones making my life worthwhile Nobody to talk to now though I'm sure I'm supposed to be doing something so why am I here typing in a paragraph without fullstops nor breaks Erghh tomorrow will be a better day Really?

hold me close and say three words* 2115h. 110405.

Our first (and last, for us) Sports Fest at Toa Payoh Stadium went well. I wasn't like, dead bored or anything and actually enjoyed cheering the house cheers which Nurul, Ely, myself and the other 4s around us quite obviously had already forgotten of! Haha. Uh-ah-ah-ah-uh-ah-ah-ah-uh-ah-ah-ah*one more time!* Fwhee hahaha.

I've got a baaaaad cough. Go away please! Haish. And Fir, please get well soon. And please let the doctor be wrong. ): Will pray hard. Haish. Unless of course this is just some trick you have up your sleeve, but well. Un-funny and un-amusing trick if i might remind you -.-

Tomorrow will be full of chiong-ing, both for Chem and RS. Die la die. And then it'll be Wednesday and we'll all be trudging back to school. So much for having this long weekend thing for us to catch up on studies. PLUS it's a mere four weeks to EOIs. T_T Eh I realised something. EOIs are in May right, so doesn't that just mean we'll be having something like Mid Year Exams too? Just that it's End-of-Instruction instead? Cheh. How caaaan. This is unfair! Brrrr. Aiyar no surprise actually. I already made my mind up from the start anyway. Told myself Term 2 was gonna suck and nothing's proving me wrong, eh?

I need to be efficient. I need to learn from people like Tamie. Hahahahahahahah. (Eh really ar.)

And where is Makmur! I want my Pada Syurga Di Wajahmu MP3!

I need cough drops. I hate getting sick. I love him. Realise the last two sentences have nothing at all to do with each other? (:

OHHHH guess who I caught singing McFly's All About You in class yesterday? Mwahahahha xP The dream I had last night was weird and it's all your fault! Oh, but the guy with stroller we saw today is even weirder *shudders*.

i am steady and unstable* 1957h. 100405.

The week's over! Thank goodness. And I think tonight shall be the last time I get stuck on second gear. Hmm.

Today's tests went okay. Hahaha and we got back the Arab paper for which I was so close to getting full marks BUT. Haiyaar nevermind. Am still happy hahaha and the guys were so mean okay. They were all chiding Mat just cos he cheated and ended up getting a 21. LOL.

My parents are in a bad mood. Some thanks to my siblings grrrf I cannot take it laa. Bloody annoying and when they (as in, mum or dad or both) get angry they yell at everyone. And mum just yelled at me to boil water. What did I do wrong, tell me? Sheesh.

SYF is so near. But the showcase is nearer. I have a week to decide who I wanna bring. Tried drawing lots today but it just... didn't work. Hoho. Who wants to come? (:

Congrats debaters for getting through to Semis! And congrats again Nanett. Heheh cute girl. And Chris amazes me! Like, so smart. Omgsh! =p

Okay. Shall do what mum told me to. And have dinner as well. Taa, MLF.

everyone is beautiful* 2327h. 040405.

Life is in shambles. I wish I could just let go. Give up. But certainly that is no option.

Argh. You're not even close to being here. You were never.

I'm all alone. How ironic that is especially when there are many many friends around. But when all is lost and noone's really there for you like they claim to be, what can you do?

I really should sleep.

but that's just the way it is* 1951h. 010405.

And I shall blog again! After being MIA for some time now. Ho.

Let's see. This week was rough mahn. Rough. Lessons were fine I guess but the stress really got to me. Gargh. Monday seemed pretty short and rather alright but everyone was still so dazed from the (technically) two week break. French has been looking good though, thank God. Tuesday was devoted to chiong-ing RS. Thanks for staying up with me Fanis! (: Wednesday I fell sick on the way home. First time I ever actually made use of my MC, although thank goodness it was a Thursday I missed, so nothing much really happened. Physics that day made me cry cos I felt so darn stupid grrrr. Today was pretty alright. Our attempt at tricking Mr Azahar since it's April Fool's didn't quite work, haha. I got a little moody towards the end though. Sorry Nurul, Elsy and Karlos. I know I was being a little snappy with you guys ):

There's so many things to do now, it's no wonder people are losing hair or appetite or getting the virus get to them. Mahn. And to you, if you're reading this. I'm disappointed with you. We've trusted you so much, believed in you and yet you do this. I don't get it. What is it that you want, really? Here we are trying to help by giving you the simplest workload and even then you still dare to not do it properly. It's your job to make sure you get it done on time. And be on task. Sure you're tired. So are we. WE spent the whole night away just trying to piece everything together and when it comes to your turn to do the last bit you say you can't think. Oh, wake up.

And that's not all you've done (or not done, rather) to bring out the disappointment. But it's no point letting everything out here. You'll probably not read, anyway. I miss you, you know. The old you. I'm sure the rest of us do too. But well. As long as you're happy my dear. We just hope whatever you do doesn't jeopardise your potential to score. If you get what I mean. And please, be more responsible? It'll help alot. Not just for us, but for you yourself.

Sigh. I hope that didn't offend anybody. And I'm real scared. I could see the disappointment in Ms Ong's eyes when we met her just now. Argh. I wish we could be better mentees. And I pray we get to prove to her that we can be better, the next submission.

LOL. Did I just dedicate three quarters of my entry to RS -_-Hohoho. But really. We all need that good grade for RS. Don't you realise?