now i know that i messed up* 2336h. 041104.

What on earth is wrong with me. Argh.

Maybe,just like Noo, I'm feeling mellow. But sigh. And today was sucha bad day. Astaghfirullah. God help me. Lailatul Qadr's anytime now. I just want to snap out of this grouchy mood I've been in since.. exactly seven days ago. Goodness. I've done enough crying. Enough brooding. I need to forget everything and just carry on with life. Sounds easy? I'm telling you it's not. Eurgh.

Camp was exciting. And fun, although it's undeniable that at times it got pretty much unbearable. Especially since it's Ramadhan and us Muslims got dehydrated even before noon came. Ah, sigh. And funnily, I miss camp. Then again, maybe it's because of the kind of treatment I get at home. Ohwell.

I've decided that I really lost my soul somewhere. Oh dear. I need it back. I need to have that cheeriness in me back. I can't carry on being like this. Nobody likes a snappy, angsty 15 year old. Nobody. If I get pissed at myself so easily, then what about others? Ah sigh.

All I want to do is to rewind the tape that's playing a video of my life now. I want to go back. Someone bring me.

Then again. Forget it. I'll find my way. Myself.

forever and never* 2116h. 311004.

I'm extremely pissed. For some reason or other. Ah damnit. I'm largely annoyed too. Wah thanks la. My money and things are all everywhere. Next time I should just not care less and heck about being so nice. What do I get in return? Nothing. Cos people take it for granted. Take me for granted. Grr. Just because I'm not one who favours picking fights or anything. That doesn't give you all the right in the world to step on me all over. But that's how things are, isn't it. I'm always hiding behind this smile. Always. And because of that people assume I'm fine. Stop assuming, for God's sake.

I want my money back! My cullotes my track pants my whatever else! I've even lost track. Eurgh. I lend things away on the basis of mutual trust. It's your responsibility to take good care of it and make sure it doesn't get lost and that it comes back to me as soon as possible and in a good condition. I hate to have to keep reminding over and over again. I guess that's exactly how Mrs Goh feels when you Angklung members don't bother paying up for fees on time. It's not easy to run after people okay! Pfftoot.

And you know how much I detest losing things. Or misplacing them, whatever. Same difference. It just downright irks and irritates me.

And it's already coming to the end of the year. Goodness.

Ah, forget it. Why do I even bother anyway. I'm just gonna have to find a way to get all of that back. The only way I can do that is by what? Buying new ones. Ya sure, I have like all the money in the world don't I *rolls eyes*

Erghhhhhhh. What a mood. What a mood what a mood what a mood. I just want to carry on ranting forever. But whatever. Eep.

Off to camp. Be back in 3 days. Best of luck for O's, Sec4s. Do us all proud aighty <3

happiest moments wouldn't be complete if you weren't by my side* 2309h. 291004.

What a good way to end the week. Ah well. Shit happens. Even in a month like Ramadhan, sadly.

Unbreak My Heart - Toni Braxton
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

1-Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Un-do this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart, my heart

Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me
(repeat 1)

Ohh, oh
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me
(rpt 1)

Un-break my
Un-break my heart, oh baby
Come back and say you love me
Un-break my heart
Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on
Can't go on

***

I may be getting a fever. Bah that's freaky. I don't like getting sick ): When I got home just now mum asked why my eyes were red. I didn't even realise, lol. And she thought I was crying. Or had been, rather. Hmm that's a half truth but no. How come my eyes are red only now? Weeeird ^_-

Anyhoots I have these people to thank: + Robiah for being sucha great gurlie, online and off. Thanks alot dear for all that you've done for me (: I love you much.
+ Elysa for letting me give you a hug this morning. You rock la bestiee (: And yey! For having done well this time around- You've done me proud girl and I love you more than anything else (: Eehee.
+ Narishka for always withstanding my incessant crap and my intolerance for football. You know I don't like that sport for nuts, hurhur xP Don't worry you're still a great gurlie Nar. Thanks much for the friendship and advices and such- You're my saviouuur *hugs* ilu heehee.
+ Nurul my darling tarawih partner. And partner in almost anything else la (: Hehh you never fail to cheer me up don't you? Yeaap. Yesyes I love you and you know it *grins*
+ Kaly for running up to me to give me a nice warm hug. I love you darl* Yepp. Although I still don't fathom whyyy you have to be so mysterious half the time, but still. That's what makes you who you are, soooo =P
+ Farhanis for always providing the most suitable advice and words of wisdom at the right place and at the right time. Haha someone already influenced you, rightrightrighhhht? *winks xP
+ Aini for being my soulsister, being with me through thick and thin and always ready to give me your kind help and attention and whatnot. My life wouldn't be complete without you and I thank God for having let us meet (: Rock on buddy!

Heh yeap. Basically these people are the ones who've always been by my side regardless of.. whatever. Ohyeah. Thanks for always brightening up my day. Or at least making it less bad. Like you know.. Yesterday. And today too. Woohoo friends rock^^ Make that girlfriends wooot (;

Okayy tomorrow's gonna be fun, hopefully. OH YES that reminds me that I'm gonna have to charge my cam lolololol. Kinda miss using it laa (why did the people at Fujifilm have to take so long to get it fixed hmmf). But yes. Tomorrow onwards should be fun and occupying enough to rid my mind of all negativities. Sheesh, negativities. Thanks to you I couldn't concentrate during tarawih just now. And HOHOHAHA something dang embarassing happened during prayers LOL but it's really too embarassing and shall just be etched in my memory hahaha funny stuff. And oh, Noo's memory too. Evil girl kept laughing at me the whole way hmmf ): But ohwell. Take care people.

my fingers burn* 2007h. 271004.

Ahh =) This is where I'll be heading to after JC. Most probably, and God-willing, anyway. Yeap I've set my mind (and heart and soul) on it and so I shall work hard to get there. I know I used to think Malaysian universities were never my kinda thing, but after going through some of their websites and looking at the courses and faculties they offer, I think I've changed my mind. And yes. IIUM it shall be, hopefully. And if all goes well, after completing my Bachelor of Law (Syari'ah) there, I'm gonna try for Al-Azhar University in Cairo. Wheehee. *wipes hands in glee*

But anyway. I think Pitas is being gay (haha that rhymes). It's refusing to update the changes I made to the other blog. Which none of you know of, and I'd like to keep it that way please thankyou (: Bah. Okay fine, it doesn't show up on my com at least. Irkk.

Tomorrow spells doom. Nevermind, there's at least 4 hours till the end of today. I wanna watch TheSwan later. Till then, peeps ^^

don't tell me cos it hurts* 1953h. 261004.

Was going thru Friendster just now. Yeah, I was that bored. Hmm anyways. I realised how pretty Annette is. Like, woohoo. Actually that's not very surprising. It runs in the blood la hurhur. Bahaha* Okay, never mind.

Was supposed to spend the day with my gurlies. Too bad mum made me follow her on a grocery shopping spree. Haha, not that I was complaining. I heart buying stuff to add to what's already at home. Really! Hmm today passed by pretty fast, I should think. When mum and I got home it was almost 1300h already. Spent some time reading Seventeen & Manja & TheStraitsTimes lols. And then watched abit of Days Of Our Lives but I fell asleep halfway x___X So then got up and went to cook up a dish for break-fast:9 Haha it was yummy okayy (:

Dumdeedee. Was flipping thru cookie and kueh recipes. Decided I'm gonna make three types this year. Hurhur. That's just a plan la. Let's see if the clock'll beat me to it hmmf. But anyhoos. I shall start next week. Eh wait. How many days are there left to Hari Raya again? Heh.

Eep I hate it when I forget what I wanted to blog about. But anyway I find my mum weird. Actually my dad is much weirder, but.. Hmm. Well what was I gonna say? Ohyeah mum knows best. Really, if you haven't figured that out by now about your own mums, then you must be really slow and I pity you. Either that, or. Hm forget it. But! As I was saying, I find it cool (and strange at the same time) how mum manages to find out everything, yes everything, about what's going on. Like the other time she asked if Fanis and I were on okay terms. Just because I didn't mention Fanis' name at all for a few weeks. And because she didn't hear about Fanis calling me at home. Haha. And just today, on the bus home and when the bus was driving past RI, she asked: Eh your kawan not calling you anymore? Lols I didn't know whether to laugh or cry haha. Found that utterly amusing. But well. That's why I love my mum heehehee (: Albeit the fact that she really gets on my nerves half the time but still. She's my mum and without her I would cease to exist.. and then the world would be missing out on one great person. *CoughsPukesSpits* Roflmao. Kidding, kidding xP

CPR Refresher Course tomorrow. (insert sarcasm here) I'm sure we'll all have fun. Aren't we? Ladida.

Oh. I wanna buy shoes. Sandals. Whatever! There are like so many (gorgeous and big ones some more!) on sale now but mum won't buy me any of them cos why? Last year's pairs are still in good condition. Hurrrrr. So I'm left with two choices: Either save up (when in the first place I don't get pocket money anymore since it's fasting month) and go get them myself, or walk around in notsonew heels. Blaaa fineee! Hurhur. Nevermind, nevermind. Patience is a virtue (right dear? roflmao) and so I shall wait till after Raya when my green packets will be bursting with dollar notes. I hope xP

Ahh I realised something. I miss Elyyy ): Heh but what was technology created for? Dumdeedee. Shall go message her now. Why oh why don't you have Internet at home dear girl! Moohaha+

Haha whee I remember what I wanted to say! Yesterday after PreCamp it kept raining on and off. Like when we left KSChee it was raining lightly (hujan panas) so we were thinking.. let's wait till it stops. And so it did stop, but then Fanis had to go meet Mr Ong, and that left Kaly and I having to wait some more =p And then it started pouring again, slightly heavier this time. Haha but well it stopped just in time, cos Fanis came back and we could leave already. But woot guess what; just as we were taking our own sweet time walking down the slope.. it started pouring even heavier! Moohahah. Wanted to turn back but then decided it was no point anyway, so just continued. Haha we were all soaked right through I tell you. Didn't help that I was wearing blue inside. Hurhur. Three of us were dripping wet when we boarded the bus. And the airconditioning in the bus was so cold, even better! Lols. Strangely when we got off at FarEast, it already stopped raining. So we looked like 3 gundus walking around with wet clothes and bags.. when the sun was shining so brightly hurhur. Decided to dry ourselves by walking around FarEast. Big mistake, haha cos our wet shirts kept sticking onto our skin and that made us shiver even more. But well. We discovered many funkadelic shops that we never knew existed! Like, now I know where to get big and funky Radioactive shirts from (; Wahoot. Heehee anyway we got dry eventually. More or less, at least. Alrighty I don't feel like typing any longer. Peaceonelove <333

never really was* 2103h. 251004.

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

yeah so go xP

say something anyway* 2355h. 241004.

I think really needa do soulsearching. Blaa just read Fiz's blog. I agree with her on the part regarding lost soul(s). Or summat. But heh. Fiz I think I lost mine somewhere too. And it never did come back. Sad? ): Don't know which way to go.

I am moodless. And rotting away. Suffocating in this emptiness and you're not here to rescue me- Bah. Never mind. Things can't be all that great all the time. But please! Certainly not at this frequency. Some people have everything so easily, almost with zero effort. I certainly don't belong in that group. Moohaha+ Once again, forget it.

Five hours or so in school tomorrow for Leadership Camp Trng. I wonder why I even bother pleasing people (or at least trying to) and leading them when I can't even make myself happy. All I do is disappoint myself (and parents and everyone else). Over and over again. Look at how many times I've fallen. My academics, especially, are in the pits. The only hope I have is Malay. Like, huh. But anyway. How do I set a good example for people to follow, if that's the case? Dang. I'm just plain dumb. I know I shouldn't be telling myself that but hey. Isn't that what the truth is?

Right now I'm still contemplating applying for SLC. That's Student Leaders' Council for you. Rah. If I apply, and if I get through, then that's something to add to my portfolio (which is VERY dismal right now i suppose o.O). If I don't, that means more time for revision and such but UH. I don't see much difference since they're gonna implement this thingamajig called the FiveDayWorkWeek which is uhh driving us all up the wall (muttergrumblescowl). So. I guess I should just go get that form. Bah. Never mind I'll see what Nar says.

Madrasah exams are as good as over (: And if what the guys said is true, then I'm really grateful and thankful heh Alhamdulillah. Well I wish I could swap my madrasah and school grades but huh that'd be like.. getting monkeys to quit eating bananas. So. Dream on.

Nyeh I don't feel like sleeping. Yet I have to get rid of the eyebags. Specs have been an ingenious (ha ha) way of masking them but nonetheless hideous circles under eyes have to go! Shoo and don't bother me. Not until next year at least.

Gah next year ): Nadz was right. Suddenly I'm not verily looking forward to being in Year4 anymore. Nyahaha. But still. I can't wait to get over and done with what's left of this year. I can't wait to finally feel the air of a different continent. I can't wait to wipe my slate clean and fill it with stuff that are more pleasing to the eye. Bah.

And suddenly I want to leave school and study in Malaysia to pursue Islamic studies right away. And forget about CHEMBIOPHYSICSMATHrah. I'll miss History though. And SS. Lol?

Ohwell. On a much different note- I think someone's mad at me. Bah I'm sorry? Dang. I really should stop being so sorrowful though. It really irks me. Heh and I thought that was passe. As in.. Nevermind. I don't think this entry makes much sense anyway. But anyhoo. Shall stop musing here. Till next time, people.

put your feet back on the ground* 2255h. 221004.

So exams are over.











Never mind. Bah.

that one person that'll always have your heart* 2152h. 201004.

Hey everyone (: Firstly, Ramadhan's here already (sixth day now!) haha so yes. To all fellow Muslims, happy fasting. Hee. And just this morning I realised how close Hari Raya really is. Woot. That's both.. good and bad. Hurhur. What in life isn't?

Exams are in full swing right now. First few (supposedly more do-able) papers were uhh alright, I suppose. Shan't comment any further *shuts up*. Tomorrow and Friday will kinda determine how I'm gonna be spending the rest of my time until.. next year? Yeah, pretty much. Haiiyah. Never mind. I know I've done my best. There's alot more I can do, of course, but given the time, nah.. I don't think so. Am praying that God will give me His blessings and all the help. Like He has been all this while. (: Syukur Alhamdulillah.

Oh yeah. Went back to MOELC to collect French results the other day, together with Janna and Guiyi. Heh we learnt a little of Simple Passe or something like that. Monsieur said we're gonna learn it in full next year anyway, so.. huh? Haha. But anyhoo. I managed to get a B (: Yey thank God. Okay fine, I could have done better, but! Compared to the previous assesments for the past few months... This one's satisfactory enough. Yessum.

You realise this entry's full of grades and exams and assesments? Oh poor you. Haha nevermind. Here's one last thing though. I'm very (really!) proud of a certain someone for uhhh surpassing his targets? And getting verily decent marks for CT. Yey good job! (: See I told you you could do it you bum! Hmmf.

The constants in life aren't so constant anymore.

Any takers? (: Alright, alright. Shall be a good (ho ho) girl now. And go do math. Actually, come to think of it. Studying is fun. Woot. (Yeah Liy continue brainwashing yourself >.<)