serapuh dahan nan kerapuhan* 1823h. 080804.
what the hell. is wrong. with me.
damnit.
unstable is what i am.
if i were in the west they'd probably already send me to see a frikin shrink. but this is singapore.
i need help. but how on earth is anyone supposed to help if i can't even help myself. can't let anything out.
i need to frikin let go of this. and get a good grip.
but what am i doing? shunning everyone. heck, even my parents are scared of me or something. whatever it is, nothing's the same anymore. nothing's going right. not like anything ever does anyway.
this has got to stop.
but how?
i'm so lost. really i am.
i miss everyone. i don't like being like this. who would?
and for anyone out there who's been assuming all this while - i'm not attached and never was.
there.
bayanganmu entah di mana* 2008h. 070804.
i hate it when night falls.
i wish daytime was longer. really, i do.
i feel so lost. so alone. i don't understand all this.
you promised. and a promise is a promise. but most of the time you do break your promises anyway. i suppose this time won't be an exception.
crap. someone please help. please.
in your eyes i see my world*
one. i so need a breather. i'm bored, sitting here, mugging and doing and mugging and doing.
two. aini can't make it tomorrow! oh darn.
three. today mefizazleen found out there won't be french on friday. no idea why, perhaps because of the long weekend. how funny. before this i bet everyone else would cheer in utmost joy. but haha now what, everyone loves going for french. note i said going. haha. oh yes. and then i realised monday's 9thAugust = national day = public holiday = no school = no french either! ahh daymm. (and in the background, for the nth time i bet azleen is going "but i wanna see my justiiiiin!!" pffft that girl, haha =P)
four. there's no use of me being online really. in fact i'm wasting electricity. (lols that rhymes) OYYY WHERE ARE YOU. want & need to talk!
five. i realised how bland this week has been and is gonna be. so dead boring! yesterday there wasn't much to do. so much so that i even managed to finish reading he's got to go (good read bytheway!), even bothered to do english feature news and do the 20plus pages of SS reading. errrr. and today's not much different. then again it's not like i'm complaining. was it always like this towards the end of the year? hmm.
six. bummer, just remembered we have that english editorial thing to do. suppose i should quickly finish glaring at math and start the powerpoint rolling. the presentation's not graded is it?
awlright. guess that's it for now. oh yes before i go, THANKYOUNOORULE for the pretty black esprit bag thing. it's very me :D
if tomorrow never comes..
for having you to love* 2108h. 310704.
i haven't updated for ages! haha. let's start from monday shall we?
26July
monday passed by pretty quickly. lessons were alright. then had french! haha and phototaking. heeheehee 3rd lang is like what, the glory of mondays and fridays now man :D hurhur.. then went back to sch, changed, prayed, practised a little, dinner, and it was off to esplanade! yeows. waited for quite awhile and it was showtime [: crowd was quite little [haha how contradictary], but satisfying nonetheless. seemed quite short before the next showtime came about. then it was all over and we were ready to board the bus back to sch (:
enjoyable, tiring but fun day afterall. thankyou everyone for being such sweeties - for all the birthday messages, for showing me that i matter. special thanks to janna, arina (HI ADEK I LOVE YOU BANYAK SKALIII), fiz and azleen for the chocfilled sins, khai&nad for organising saturday's celeb, my dearest SLENGSEVEN for having been such good friends (and for getting things back on normal terms).. and lastly YOU, my dearest, for making me feel loved (: i love you all.
the rest of the week went quite normally. haha i should stop using the word normal, but nevermind. felt damn depressed that day, very menyampah dengan myself for some reason, and started tearing.. tearing and tearing. wasn't very easy but i've gotta accept the truth anyway. i don't know how i'm gonna ever repay my parents. they're so great, i just feel so debted to them.
i know i'm much of a disappointment, the way my studies are going, and sometimes i ask for too much. and they're still so nice about it. i don't feel deserving of that pretty striped watch they got me for my birthday. the same goes to the two sets of undies. but everytime i look at the watch it just gives me motivation and will to push forward and do everything, achieve as much as possible.. yet i feel sad cos i know i haven't been the best daughter, much less met their expectations of me. i want to please my parents. show them my worth. ahh parents, my life (: dear God, please bless them both, take good care of them in the same way they took care of me since i was young.. grant them a good fulfilling life and provide them with the best of health. insyaAllah.
hmm. okay skip skip forward forward skip forward.. today! 31July. had field test in the morning. it's quite difficult to think very creatively. had to rack my brains to get something that you'd think would be so simple out. haha and then it was angklung. i feel mean for having to "scold" them at regular intervals. sorry dears. guess i must learn to be abit more patient. afterall i was in their shoes before anyway. got permission to dismiss them earlier, then went for lunch (mi goreng instant tak jadi), then dikir. last session with sec4s. they told us to start first so we went to join the sec2s practice their short item. we're such crappy people i tell you. duno whaaat crap we were doing but i hope the whole thing pleased the sec4s anyway (;
well we had THREE cakes! all chocolate all so sinful. (as if i haven't had enough from all the chocs i got for monday. i still have TWO bars left in the freezer. maybe i should donate them, how?) haha but anyway in the end everyone got a share of each cake. -rubs tummy- aaah i'll miss sec4s. but i think i was more emotional when last year's batch left. prolly cos i'm closer to them. but it's still the same cos every year a batch leaves and every year we'll have to adapt. ahhh =| only this time, it's us who'll be taking over. US. i can't imagine being the senior seniors. noone to look up to. everyone calling you KAK yet you've got noone to call KAK. arghhh. this time next year i'll prob be bawling and crying my eyes out. everything's gonna end soon. but that's in a year (and time passes so quickly) so in the meantime while it's sill far away (as if).. let's just treasure what we've got now yah.
haha malas to continue. i have so many things to do! don't want monday to come OH YUCK. the timetable looks gross. damn packed. plus remedial. nvm, noone's complaining.
no one ever really cares* 2300. 230704.
ignore the previous entry.
the ugly mood came back.
i need to scream. i've cried enough. crying does help but i wish i could just SCREAM and let all this go. go go. leave me alone. go.
eurgh. no one ever really cares. no one.
i thought the weekend would lift my spirits. well it did, for a good sixty minutes. EURGH. so fine, life doesn't always go my way. in fact it hardly does. but i'm human please. i can be patient and i AM patient, but who can stay patient all their lives anyway. stop testing me. i think i've had enough so just stop it. stop.
i'm not even looking forward to tomorrow. or the day after. or monday even. i don't even want to go through any of the other days. heck july's ending. eurgh.
i think i need anti depressants.
you make me smile (: 1727h. 230704.
THE WEEKEND'S HEREEEEE :D :D ooh thank goodness, syukur alhamdulillah. only God knows how glad i am that this week's over. finally. ahhh.
yesterday was downright TERRIBLE i tell you. was walking around like a zombie. people kept asking if i'm okay. obviously i'm not! that's like the darndest thing to ask -_- but of cos i just shut up and let them answer for themselves. i appreciate the concern though.. so thank you guys. the whole lot of you, you know who you are.
i still don't know why i felt so -screams inside- yesterday. horrible!! i never wanna feel that way again. wanted to curse at everything, but decided against it cos i'm not profane and i don't wish to break that record anyway. wanted to yell at everyone. everything was getting on my nerves. all for some weird reason. I DON'T KNOW WHAT. gee =_=
eee enough about yesterday. mazlan said i mightve woke up on the right side of bed. i think that's quite true cos i sensed a real rough day the moment i woke up yesterday morning. eeep. then me and nadz missed our normal bus so we had to take the later 153. mr redmund was on it as well and he kept giving me weird looks and i knew i looked bad. grr then in school the first thing yingzi said to me was: liyana you look so zoned. blah. and so on so forth, the whole day sucked so bad. eeee.
but who cares! today.. was pretty much of a rush. 7/8 of the class skipped recess to chiong math assignment and for us malays, buku kerja. MAD RUSH i tell you. and in the end mrs chew postponed math assignment deadline to next monday. hahaha i wanted to laugh and OH SHOOTS I JUST REALISED I FORGOT TO BORROW KIAT'S CHEM WS =| nevermind.
alright so then mr redmund was so kind, he let us eat in class during history. haha first time k! but we were all so grateful :D whee. hmm cle was rather dry - 1/2 the class was asleep during the video screening man. following that was math, and kiat said mrs chew was shocked/surprised when she walked in cos almost all 37 of us were asleep hurhur. so guess what she did? made us do MATH AEROBICS haha quite fun actually. and math today was quite fun! i love coord geometry, ooh yey all hail (: i guess math does do wonders cos after that noone really felt like sleeping anymore. then again, maybe it's just mrs chew huh =p
oh yes and FRENCH. wow i lovelovelove my frenchmates. so happening k our class! i like (: and we're taking class photo on monday. was supposed to take just now but since SOME PEOPLE (read: FIZnAZLEEN) weren't around, we decided to be thoughtful and nice and wait. hurhur =p
okay continue later. going over to my grandma's now. have a good weekend dears (:
sometimes i just forget, say things i might regret* 1818h. 190704.
hello!
alright my apologies for not updating and all that shixnit. but ha! so much has been happening (: both the good and the bad.. but mostly good ar. the weekend was fantab man! tiring, but enjoyable nevertheless. finally sorted things out with him. thank God. i don't wanna lose you, i have always needed you, i could never make it alone...
haha. glory of loooove. thanks azleen, for being so crazy about it till you got me addicted. hawhaw. but it's so sweet. like a knight in shining armour, from a long time ago.. hahaaha k fineee i shall stop.
ah well. i suppose this week is gna be another busy one. well at least RHD celebrations = no lessons wooyeah. but hmm. there's alot of angklung performances and whatnot to handle. someone please enlighten me as to why all our public perfs this year are in term3. menyebok =_= but ooher they're gonna be fun fun FUN i hope (esp the one at Esplanade!) so.. ahaha.
but yes! i must congratulate Exco`05 [: yes yes all ten excluding myself. NAR i love you rock on we'll make a good pair yah? RACHEL you're full of potential i like the way your work. SAR&NURUL you guys are good, just don't embezzle angklung moneh =p AZU&MAIRAH, kak ain must be proud of you guys for being her successors. KALY i know you have the talent, just make sure our next tshirt turns out as good as this year's.. if not better! the level coords dear ARINA, HAB and NOO. do your job well kay! you guys were chosen straight off from MY nomination list. which shows something - that you can do it! believe me :D
haha. alriiight man. Exco`05 sounds promising. i love you guys, every single one of you. and yes angklungers all.. i love you too!
enough about the weekend :p everyone i came across today seemed relatively happy. including myself! hurhur. so smiley and full of laughter. that's what life should be like right? haha. well i like being in a jolly good mood. hopefully the endorphines don't run out too quickly =) and oh yes FIZ&AZLEEN i'm still so infatutated la! i know i shouldn't be. but well. who can resist such accentuated features i ask you! -faints- what we go to french forrr.. haha abit mad, yesno?
just heard from kak naf jnow that there won't be dikir this saturday. ooh glory glory all haiiiil :D and no. i do miss dikir. just that if there isn't prac this week, i'll just have more time for.. haha. for =) woohoo can't wait can't wait. i wanna watch mean girls & 13 going on 30 someone bring me!
seven days left.
seven. i like that number :D
ahhh seven. seven! =) =) =)
i'm eyeing that gorgeous motorola e398. sorry if you don't find it appealing, but i do. it's got everything i want in a phone! dropped big big hints to mum yesterday. hopefully dad and her will come to a consensus and buy me one =) and oh yes i need (not want) new bras. and clothes. MUM BRING ME SHOPPING WILL YA?
whee. happy. shalalala. it's so good to be happy. shalalala. everybody should be happy. shalalala.
smile, people :D
of serendipity & indifference* 090704. 2319h.
eeeeesh. like now i'm even more confused. and largely annoyed. where the heck did i go wrong, may i ask. ergh. sedih seh. and bingit and pening. pening, literally and not. thanks man, i really needed all this right? what more when the year's coming to an end even sooner than we all expect it too. well not just the year. the world.
it's one of those moods again. and no it's not pms. i shan't be one who gets my emotions and feelings whatnot all jumbled up, and then blame it on PreMenstrualSyndrome. how undignified.
silent goodbyes are the worst. tell me this isn't one. and make up your mind.
sunday will tell. possibly. hopefully.. maybe not.
now that i've lost everything to you* 2141h. 060704.
nothing's changed.
and nothing will.
not even in 20 days.
you're not sorry. you're not gonna change. you haven't proved anything to me. ah. same old, same old.
let's make it simple. just leave. for the better. for our better.
and oh yes while you're at it. stop fantasizing too much. being too prasan isn't good, get what i mean?
----
hm. that was too much of a white lie. i should be the one leaving. and i will. right now. (before i fall any deeper? hur. just cut it out and get going x_x)
setiap detik yang ku lalui* 1917h. 050704.
twice. twice today, the thought of the dream (or nightmare, rather) i had in june came back to haunt. twice.
i knew i shouldn't have let myself bring it up again. but i did and now i'm the one who's suffering and wallowing. so far three people know about it. the first was farhanis. she was the only kind soul online when i signed in early in the morning after i woke up that day. she was the first i spilled everything i thought and felt to. the first to advise me on what to do.
half a month later and i'm still not cured. i thought i was. i guess today proved me wrong. noo and aini found out about it today. i don't regret telling them about it. in fact i'm glad they share the same sentiments. only now the one who's really in a spot is me, not them.
i have no idea what's gonna happen. everything about that person, whoever he is, is still etched in my mind. i guess i should just quit thinking about this, but i can't. it's too difficult.
i need answers. but hey. that's what i say all the freaking time.
espoir and reve - show yourselves.
i can't take the distance* 2105h. 040704.
listening to the distance gets me kind of depressed. but then again, don't all sentimental songs? sigh. and i realised it's the soundtrack for serendipity. no wonder it sounds so familiar. AH I WANNA WATCH SERENDIPITY AGAAAIN =| blah.
hmmm anyway today was different. as compared to the usual sunday. spent the day with noo, basically. first we went swimming! haha so fun [: would have been much funner if the rest could come along, but well. anything's better than swimming alone actually. we swam ten laps and got ourselves all breathless and DARK. grr. can't seem to recall how we were able to stand it back when we were small kids. hoho. spent roughly an hour at the pool, then went for lunch. mee bakso! ooh :9 ate till i was so full, i kinda regretted it. but rezeki shouldn't be regretted so hm.
was debating whether to join my fam at the SANA family day @ sentosa, or go home, or something else. in the end we decided to drop by ikea to get ideas for sec4 farewell. haha. haven't been there since primary school so yeah. was abit jakunfied. but you can't help it lah! ikea is like, household haven or something. we kept ooh and ahh-ing at just about everything. hurhur! i'm going back there soon man. with my parents in tow so i can get stuff! =D prolly around my birthday or sth. hoho cheeky girl i am.
walking around the whole ikea got us so drained! dahlah swimming satu pagi! keke. but anyway we had to wait for kaly to come lol and that girl was Godknowswhere and not answering our calls and such. so we came up with our own theories ladida. laughed till our sides ached, hoho. then she came and i left. took a straight bus home, slept 3/4 of the journey.
hmmmm. i took a nap just now before maghrib. too sleepy haha. i'm still tired but today was good man! thanks noo [:
ah well. i guess this is how it feels. how long more is this gonna last. how long more am i gonna be here. just how long. don't let me be the last to know. i want you to know that i miss you, i miss you so..
i miss you =(
i will want nothing else to see me through* 2006h. 010704.
ely was complaining about still seeing no change in entry. so fine i shall blog! haha.
well the week's went by pretty fine. but i hated the ride to school on monday! the bus was so freaking full since it's like the official first day of term3 for students nationwide. we were all packed like sardines. nadz was at the stairs just before the front doors and i was one step above her, hanging in this real awkward position cos i didn't really have anything to hold onto. sad, i know.
the classroom's been much of a freezer these days. just your luck if you sit at the column near the doorway. you'll just keep shivering i guess. so anyway, on friday we changed seats but i ended up with kiat again! at the front again! only this time it's worse cos we're like at the centre block. right in front of the board. HOHO. but kiat's extremely nice to sit with. for more reasons than one [:
what else. oh yes. on tuesday and wednesday it rained in the morning. both days i got pretty soaked. had to overcome squishy wet shoes and socks lol. hilarious.
ohyeah. have been surviving on my right contacts only since emmm saturday evening. lost the left side while at the swimming pool. just shows i shouldn't be too confident that my contacts won't drop off. and how i should be the obedient daughter who listens to what mum says. ahaha. but anyhow, my eyes are kinda used to it already. but i guess tmrw will be the last day. i think that's when my june contacts expire anyway. keyword = think ^^
i think he's mad at me. or something. haha too bad. but anyhow, i miss them all! where are they seh..
friday tomorrow! yey. this is one weekend to look forward to. albeit the fact that there won't be madrasah. -throwstantrum- HAHA NO.
why are people afraid of the dark?
because they always forget that the sun is shining elsewhere.
[edit] HEY IT'S JULY! woohoo =D [/edit]
get out (leave) right now* 1829h. 240604.
thursday. first day of school. term three. week zero.
haha. the whole class chuckled when mrs pey mentioned today and tomorrow being week zero. funny ain't it? lol. ah well. i guess today was pretty alright. not too bad. bio was first up. the diets are sure confusing. even South Beach. ah well. the things people will go through just to shed some flab. tell me about it man. i've done quite alot of running and swimming these days, but somehow i still happen to be heavier than normal. muscle mass? maybe. hopefully.
The Truman Show that we watched during english is such an eye opener! i respect the truman guy (played by jim carrey) for still holding on strong though he almost lost his mind with the urge to give up. but i found the end pretty hilarious^^ imagine sailing to what you think is the horizon, but then you see a shadow of your sails&boat on the "sky". when it's actually just the limitations of the set. okay fine those who haven't watched wouldn't get an inkling of what i just typed. so go watch! definitely worth the time (:
ah well. june's coming to an end in a week. half the year's over. am i happy with myself? not much, not really. but tell me - isn't this always what we get? unsatisfaction. no matter how hard we try, how much we persevere, humans will still be humans. insatiable desire for satisfaction, to succeed.. but i know where my problem lies and i'm gonna make sure i do my best, really, to solve it. not gonna let distractions come my way. with God's help, insyaAllah.
easier said than done? maybe. maybe not. it all depends on me, and me only.
june 25th tmrw. happy 16th birthday aini, in case i don't blog tmrw. aha not like you read this anyway. but you rock (: i know i almost blew up at you once quite some time back, but i'm glad i didn't. wouldn't wanna lose a comrade like you over a small matter. yep. sisters we are, sisters we'll be. i mean how often do you get to find close friends who are born exactly one day, one month and one year apart? not very =P take care pretty girl~ God bless.
strumming my pain with his fingers* 2031h. 210604.
okay so i finally archived. though my layout's not up yet, hawhaw. *shouts out to annette*
oh speakin of which, khairy came out in BH today. however you spell his name. can never get it right man. haha. but ah well. i like his nice big grin :D
was having a casual talk with my parents the other day. i like these small talks. hmm but anyhow, dad brought up the topic of luxuries. kind of made me choose between handphone and broadband. i knew it was gonna come up, i mean this issue. but my reaction was somewhat mediocre. wasn't really intrigued. i don't mind being ripped of broadband. it's not a bad thing, really. it might just be the thing that would pull my grades up a tad higher. given a choice, i would certainly choose my phone line. anytime.
then again, my phone's very very silent these days. haven't been hearing from a certain someone. bah. life's such a parabola. right now the endorphines are running out. if i was at the top just days back, now i'm at the bottom. very bottom.
all my life i've been waiting
for you to give up fairytale my way
been living in a fantasy without meaning
it's not okay
i don't feel safe
i need to pray
fantasy without meaning. how rightfully apt. i'm plain disgusted. and memories consume like opening wounds. gah. it's happening again and i don't like it the least bit. then again, when have things lasted so well for long? none that i remember.
i don't like it that you maim my life. i want to run free. but i know i cannot. for all the reasons there could possibly be. i wish i could say that i see the light. but i dont. a girl can dream, dream with all her might. in the end i'm still alone, all alone on my own..
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