now nothing can change what you mean to me* 2358h. 160606.

Almost midnight now. I'm tired, and sleepy, and there's still lots left to study. Someone told me to do jumping jacks to hype myself up and hey it did work [: Plus I did Isyak afterwards, which made me feel more refreshed. (Oh, dad just got home from work. Peace be upon you too, papa)

The other time during the Korea trip, Xi asked me this in a really serious tone: Liy, have you ever experienced a life-changing moment that you would go back to, and change the course of things, cuz you feel this really great sense of regret? And you know things could've been so much more different? And better perhaps?

My answer to that was a yes, of course. Because I know what exactly I had in mind. (And Xi being Xi -haha- was actually referring to her pink floorball stick aiyooo that girl. What's so bad about pink anyw? xD xD Lol but so cute la, "life-changing moment" hahahah!) Anyway, back to where I was. Yes, I'll admit that I regret what happened two years ago. Was a mistake on my part. I'd do anything just to turn back time and make amendments. But I can only dream of doing that. I still think about it every single day. It's true, the first cut's the deepest, and it's always difficult to get over your first love. I knew we'd make a great couple. We had alot of things going for us. The friendship was there. The closeness was there. It was me, I wasn't patient enough. Until now I don't understand why I wasn't able to wait for just a little while longer. I guess he was to blame, too, but you can't fault someone for being shy, can you? Only upon hindsight (yes I'm a sentimentalist and I still keep some very special msges from him) did I realise it was there all along. Only I was too blind, or too stupid, or too in-a-rush (for God knows what reason, urghh), or just not thinking properly. Hais.

Life was too drama back then. It's not as if it's any simpler now, but it's noticeably less complicated. I think.

Every now and then, I will walk down memory lane and think about all the wonderful (and not-so-wonderful) times we had, together. And I'd always tell myself, that if I hadn't made the wrong choice back in August 04, then we'd probably be going strong now. And I'd be a much happier person. I know so.

But I guess God has plans. And I will leave it to Him and fate. If we're meant to be, then we'll be. But even if we're not, I know deep down that he'll always be my first love.

And I won't say that the short period of time in 04 when I was with someone else, was that disastrous. I don't regret it as much as I do losing the first him, cuz the failed relationship taught me a few things. And it let me take a step back and look at things between me and the first him from a different and perhaps wiser perspective. So yes, thank you (someone else).

For now I should be contented knowing the first him and I are still good friends. We've been friends for 12 years and counting now, he's a really wonderful fella and I wouldn't trade his friendship for anything else in the world(: Do I still love him? For sure, as an old friend.

cuz i don't think that they'd understand* 1050h. 160606.

Shit, shit shit shit. This is horribly screwed. I'm highly pissed off, and also very annoyed. Partly at myself and partly at other things. DAMNIT. T.T

Moving on to something else altogether. I'm really sorry mum. I didn't mean to disappoint. I'm sorry. Again and again and again aughhhhh you don't know how much this frustrates me. I hate making choices like these. Believe me it took me so long to come to this decision. But I promise, it'll be for the better. Right? God-willing, anyway. Thanks mama.

I'm so highly pissed off, frustrated, confused, angsty and everything else, that after quite some time of not crying, I'm actually bawling like a kid. SOB-

where i end and you begin* 0023h. 130606.

I'm upset about something I can't really figure out. Maybe cuz it's a lot of things all jumbled up together. How come everything's not going right? ):

all of the things we left behind* 1237h. 080606.



Anyong hasaeyo! Missed me? HEHHE. Korea was heaps fun [: Really really, absolutely. I'm glad I went. I must say I enjoyed the trip to the demilitarised zone (DMZ) the most cuz the place is way too cool (and pretty scary, what with the stern army officers and all |: ) Well that aside. I think my first week of the holidays was well-spent (including the Bintan CCAL camp earlier on - I miss my group D: ) Anyhoos. Pictures are up at my yahoogrps so click here (:

Also also. I'm happy cuz yesterday mum went with me and the sisters to PP! And I got to spend money and the better thing is, I didn't feel (that) guilty about blowing 60+ bucks away cuz 1) it wasn't my parents' moolah and 2) it's the GSS! Whooo doesn't buy stuff at the GSS??? and of course, 3) I lurrrve the stuff that I bought. Felt like a greedy pig la cuz I couldn't decide on (a) or (b) and after what felt like eons I decided oh what the heck, I'd save myself some embarrasment and the salesgirl some antagony so I bought BOTH :D :D :D HEHEHEE. Now I feel like doing moreee shopping pleeeease. Will book an appointment with my aunt! -rubs hands in glee- The last time she took me and Amirah out, I didn't really have anything in mind so yup. But now I do!!!

Then again. I must study. So shopping can wait. HohohO.