she lifted my chins up, smiled
and said, "honey, dont cry."

ive found my superhero within. and that's gonna be my subject for PESA. apparantly, i can't get out of it since i submitted my registration form eons ago. i was devastated yesterday from the responsibilities i was shouldering. i felt violated of my freedom, of my space, of my choices.

so she sat beside me late last night by the coffee table with a glass of desert wine in our hands each. like always, we talked about all insignificant and significant matters, intertwined our thoughts and emotions in the wine. i suspect the wine was a contributing factor for the tear flooding session. her comforting words lifted my soul and i felt my heart fly.

sometimes we all fall. but when we learn how to walk all over again, embrace the world brand new.

and lets all just breathe worship in. it's the only way to live.

04:55 p.m.

and we all ran around
fluttering for a pretty flower

ohmygosh. today ive fallen in a huge infatuation for maksim mrvica. he melts my heart into a pool of goo. totally! he's my inspiration and a light to my piano ambitions and aspirations now. no kidding. and he has sweaty palms. according to ms lee shuxian, her mep teacher said that people who have sweaty palms are seriously talented. and i need to declare today that i have sweaty palms. haha. he played the piano with much style and he was so gentlemanly, polite and sincere. when he touched the piano keys, he seemed as though the music has engulfed his soul and his body just flows with it. his expressions! his expressions! his expressions! my my mamamia. i was so smittened with Claudine. it sounded so much better and touching hearing him play life than in the recorded cd. the lightings were fantastic if not for the occassional shine right in our eyes. his band was astounding too. the bassist was bald. okay, that was insignificant, but prominant! at times, the violinists overpowered maksim and they played with such skilful hands. my attention went to them at times. the keyboardist was just alright. muchly programmed synthesizers used. so he was just there to simply press buttons, but still, good sense of timing. haha. and guess what! this overwhelmed and totally mad girl here went to look him backstage together with an eager shoes and a cannot-really-be-bothered-cos-im-tired toe. haha. this is the first time ive ever done something like that. but when he came out from the backstage door, all his fans (let's say less than fifteen) were so civilised. no pushing, stepping and NO SCREAMING. got that? like wow. those who waited for him were pianists and all looked kinda classy and tasteful. most perhaps, but thats muchly good enough. he's charming, charismatic and alluring. that sounds like a word used for ladies but it's okay! haha. anyway, i managed to capture a shy maksim smiling within that almost chaotic ten seconds. and yes, there's not enough vocabulary to describe tonight's wonder. but let me just be a crazy fangirl for a while. maksim's the coolest pianist ever!

im starstruck. (yes shoes, that's the word!)

01:44 a.m.

MAKSIM tomorrow!!! .jumps up and down. i can't wait!!!

01:36 a.m.

brown paper packages tied up with strings
these are a few of my favourite things

shoe asked me to draw up a list of the things i like and i sat in bed last night and thought. i started singing about my favourite things and smiled. there must be a beautiful world out there im missing out on. so it was time to let go! it was a season for indulgence and to throw the world behind.

today was it. we went all over town to catch up with an uncle who has owned this old shop selling stuff for the dead for the last three decades. and paid a tribute visit to nicoll highway. and drank a regular cup of thick strawberry shake that costs five dollars and forty cents. and printed our presence all around town. and sang jazz to the whole wide world (okay, it's just that garden facing the esplanade). and snapped the city away.

we did a round table poetry session in economics tutorial today in dedication to mr munkay titled "a song for gay". the rhyme scheme was aaaa-'infinity'. it sounded good, extremely fabulous. and shoe wrote a poem for me in a card that made me all warm and fuzzy. poetry is good indulgence.

for now, let's not think about school tomorrow. it depresses me.

10:15 p.m.

awake in the infinite cold

im home this tuesday morning and all seems too unfamiliar to me. i can't remember when was the last time i sat alone in this hall with my own song playing out of the clavinova and staring out the window grill to look at the dragonfly resting by the pond which is all still. and i wonder where have all the fishes have gone. when they fought and bled and lost, did they call themselves a tragedy? to all who know the story behind this empty fish pond with one surviving fish, it aint funny anymore.

waking up this morning was such a torturous process. to even open my eyes seemed such chore. my hand was reaching for my bible on the window ledge when i knocked over a cup of water and the box of panadol. the alarm clock was ringing away as though it was about to hit the roof any moment. my half-read novel was drenched and the pillows were wet. so much happened within that first minute of my day i was scrambling and scrambling for my life and it didnt feel good. a total chaos of frantic and frustration.

i feel like such a wreck. when i was fidgeting in my sleep this morning curled in the red armchair in the library, so much was running through my head. to be all frank, i was recalling the arithmetic and geometric progression formulas for the math test that'd be smacked in my face when the school bell beeps. my head was throbbing so painfully and i could barely see the lines when i was filling in the early leave form. im so thankful for shoes and mich to be around me always in school.

the longest time ive held a conversation with a face before me for this month happened last night over dinner with shufen and during our walk home. i believed i held the tears back when i was spilling it all out. when work piles up and emotions chalk up, i choose not to pray for strength but to hide. to hide under his shadows for that while. for just that while and i'll get by.

the picture of ginny and ruth sits in my wallet. remembering the day we declared a half day off and went taking neoprints and they gave me wings on the print editor takes me back to "you gave me wings so i could fly" and my mind drifted off to ginny for a while. so i was thinking how today's ice-cream day out with her would be like if i didnt feel so bad this morning. and yes, even McFlurry would do us some good. the simplest things in life always make us laugh and cry, crash and burn.

there are so many things i want to do. take my camera out and box in the prettyful things in life then do a shrine for them all. paint the walls in my room and put up my photos and posters that are all falling from the walls. and so much much much more. yet it saddens me because i dont have time kept in my hands nor the health to keep awake all day long. please pray for me.

and never did i imagine life like this.

12:49 p.m.

pins and needles
glue and scissors

proudly presenting...

12:17 a.m.

lovin you is easy
cos youre beautiful

yesterday, i cried. i cried for the years of effort the musicians have put in to where they are today. for the ballet dancer whose feet hurt and bled during rehearsals. for the amount of work and professionalism reached by the dancers. for the denying of self every actor on stage had to go through and the soreness of voice they suffered. for the singers whose voices went hoarse from shouting cos they couldnt hear themselves. for the pastor who had spent hours praying for the church and His flock. for the music that touched the souls of many and made them fall before the Almighty. for the words pierced through the hearts of man like a spear. for the rayma anointing that can like chariots of fire. for the spirit-filled passion and love from every artiste who gave up so much. for the Savior who pinned all miseries and sufferings on the cross together with Him. for the blood that redeemed me and made me whole again.

11:59 p.m.

as the clouds roll by
and moon shines bright

i love swimming late at night. when the surrounding greens are hushed by the power of silence and the waters are stilled by the lazy wind. looking at my own shadow moving on the tiled floor of the pool makes me feel like im dancing with the waters. and everything seems to merge as one. me, my partner, the water and the night. and for a moment in chaos time, all is beauty and perfection.

01:31 a.m.

we live a a beautiful world
but it's made believe

just got home from school and honestly, i like my class. whole bunch of beauties, brains and 2 blocks (the boys). x) the best lesson i had for the day was lit, as usual. i enjoy filling up those profiles for every single teacher. about what happiness means to use and the list goes on. it helps me know myself more too in a way. i love lit lessons because we talk about things the science people dont. we go beyond what you cannot see with your eyes, further than this facade of life. we find a Self in us and we feel humane. we beg to differ and seek to believe. and lit, art and music make me feel alive all over. above all, they are my forms of worship.

ms chew was sharing about oscar wilde this rainy afternoon and he was labelled a dandy. then when lessons ended, she told me, "if you were a guy, you'd be a dandy." and shoes, i checked the dictionary and thesaurus. no way is a dandy and synonym of a bimbo. im relieved. x)

03:57 p.m.

smear the ink,
distort the lines.

im smelling of sweet strawberry. x) thanks to toe who bought me the strawberry bath gel and scrubs and almost every thing you need in the shower from the body shop. so thanks berry toe. xD

im up early today and my mom just shrieked from reading the papers. her ex-vjc classmate landed up in jail. she started sharing to me the qualities he was made up of. ive much thoughts in me about how this world we're rolling in is like an every changing set of colors in a kaleidoscope but words fail me.

im merging my thoughts to the enchanting melody of zakk wylde's white christmas on guitars. and i wonder sillyly if i send this song to someone else, will he/she hear my thoughts singing out of that tune. perhaps, just maybe.

09:23 a.m.

fresh wind,
fresh fire

a personal revelation from God: He doesnt need me to be a musician. He simply needs me to be a worshipper. the best musicians in the world not necessarily will be the best worshipper.

12:54 a.m.

open my arms wide up
and enclose you in

12:21 a.m.

this is pain from within
peeking out from behind the closed doors
of an empty soul

for once in a long long while, i came home and plopped myself before the television and caught the chinese drama serial episode for the first time. it was a turn-off. dont they have something ethical and wholesome to screen?

someonce once said that everyone at a certain stage in their lives will stop and ponder about meanings, truths and joy to life and love. thing is, everyone wants to have things their own way and they break the rules. God gave you your breath of life. with it came His laws in you. (remember Ecclesiastes 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end) well, how else do you think shame, guilt and conscience came about in you?

it's just like playing a game of tennis. you have to serve the ball in the right way. youve to draw the lines on the court to determine what's in and what's out. youve to have a point system to keep in check. what you think will happen to a lawless game of tennis will happen to a lawless life you own - screwed. so tell me, how did this world fall into immorality and unethical businesses. shoot the devil.

Disclaimer: all these content were paraphrased by veronica neo due to the fact she most probable have a memory that likens to that of a goldfish and therefore, is not able to spill word for word by whoever who said this whom she cannot remember who either. >.<

pre u sem is draining me out. my eyes are red. either from lack or sleep or crying too much. i need to do something bout it.

11:18 p.m.

wrapped in your glitter world
with glam, glam, glam

period, period.

11:04 p.m.

the rain softens my tears
and hides me alone in the dark

both my lil dearies are leaving ny for sr. funny how close this "lil family" could get.

12:06 a.m.

Sometimes in the middle of watching movies that make me cry because of their silent, unspoken beauty, I remember how one particularly special friendship of mine ended because of my naive view of the world. And she turns seventeen tomorrow. -carol 2004-03-16

it has never ended. never. never. i know you'll read this. you just dont know how youve lived on in my heart. this special friendship will live on and on simply because as long as we have memories, yesterday remains. dont make me cry. currently im regretting writing to you a few days back. cos ive been opening and closing the letter box to find your reply not there. but i'll continue this routine ive lost a few years back just to pick it up again a week ago. just dont make me cry.

04:19 p.m.

we open our hearts
like brand new film canisters

im enjoying nanyang. x) and you know what? surprise surprise! im considering taking c math as one of my subjects. xD made two really good friends during this orientation. at least we're on the same frequency. and because i keep correcting their math without 's' pronunciation, they were so amused. and theyre calling me 'mommy' cos im older than them. my 'son' is a month and thirteen days younger than me and my 'daughter' is two months and eight days younger. ya, crap. load of crap.

ive alot to say. but my mind's too tired to think what should i type. but i just wanna do some lil finger excercises and yak rubbish. so here is a rubbish entry. but yada yada sentosa today was quite fun playing around with my two adopted kids. and the first letters of their names follow. jeremy and krystel. x) oh what rubbish.

God. i hope Jesus is preparing my fluffy cottony bed in my room up there. i'll sleep on and on. x) thank God He said, "come to me all you who are weary and burdened for i will give you rest" x)

11:20 p.m.

kiss your tears goodbye
and welcome the silence of a thousand whispers

waves of melancholy crash.
memories flash.
heartaches splash.
oh my pretty ash.

sometimes even breathing chokes my tears.
but it can feel so dear.
oh those painful prayers.

ive finally got my kokia CD. fabulous, period.

09:01 p.m.

today, today, today.

everything went wrong today right from the time i woke up this morning - late. bad days happen and i do dislike it when things go wrong. when every single thing goes haywire. even your hands stretch for a pair of wrong socks and the colors dont match. and all of a sudden your prayers dont work? simply cos youre depending on prayer, not God. guilty as charged - me. there's no peace in my heart and i know why. .breathes. i know im gonna pull through this. not with the word "pray", but God. give thanks and praises in every circumstances. always. psalm 7 will bring me to where i wanna be.

01:37 a.m.

youre my strength
my song

after watching requiem for a dream, i just broke down and cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. maybe not after the film, but during. somewhere before the scences started to flash nothing but pain, anxiety, pity and exhaustion over again and again. one scene lasted lest than ten seconds. the ending totally killed my heart. the main theme in soundtrack! .roars. the orchestra strung the chords on my nerves.

05:23 p.m.

im almost about to be the happiest and most contented girl alive! xD today is just a day of love for me. totally, absolutely, completely.

my family celebrated my birthday on my exact date! yes, i know this sounds silly to you but my bday would always be belated cos theyd crash it in together with my dad's a week later. and jew!!!!!! your cake is fabulously deliciously good! xD you must have spent lotsa effort on it. with the freezing if chocolate before doing the second layer and all xD. .huggles!. and i spent my birthday with my unit too. yse, it was just dmm, but i was so touched. they sprang surprises on me. even jasmine xD. sometimes when you think people dont care? they actually really really really do. x) much much much thanks to the heaps of ppl who kept flooding my cell with texts just to wish me happy birthday and all. xD and the list of thank you goes on:

;shuf for that bag
;jasmine for that scranchie
;shuping, shuf, susi for that perlini's necklace
;nicole for that strawberry sundae
;alvin for my fave soya bean
;ywam! for praying for me. thank meant so much
;bb for that red butterfly kaleidoscope xD
;shoes for that cuppy cake song dedication x)
;yvon for a red furry cell pouch, THREE pairs of earrings, a pink wallet, pooh schedule book, red and pink printed tapes
;val for buying me the exact piggy bank i first owned which i cut to take money out from. apparantly, she found it at some antique shop and bought it for quite a huge sum and she saved for it! she got me a pair of earrings and another perlini's necklace
;jac for delivering that basket of red geberas, purple balloons, bear and a really beautiful necklace. you redeemed yourself once again. xD
;my parents for blessing me with cash! wahahaha
;You for answering every single one of my prayers and shining the light unto my feet and protecting me under Your wings. Your love invented my being, soul, heart, mind and strength. Your grace is sufficient for me for Your power is made perfect in my weaknesses. if You dont mind a broken ragamuffin, im willing to place my life into Your hands.

i just wanna share a lil testimony here. two years ago, when i was pioneering Deyi sec, a simple "hi" started this fellowship i have with this sister. Ganlu. she was from china and was feeling totally lost in this island. i brought her to know Christ and on that day itself, she was filled with the holy spirit. i can never forget how she jumped for joy and cried tears of happiness in the auditorium. she came and went, also here and there in Singapore and China. but we kept her in constant prayers. now she's back in China for good, she still remembers us. i received a birthday card from her today and she thanked me for bringing her to know Christ in her last days when she was in Singapore. currently, she's independently sharing the gospel and growing in the Lord constantly. i was reading her card and i simply broke down. i never knew i made such an impact in her life just by telling her "hey, God loves you".

sometimes, all we need to do is just pray. it doesnt take much. really. you just dont know the odds against not praying. you never know.

when you know that He's there, suddenly everything seems perfectly in control. and i give thanks to Him for every single lil thing He has done in my life.

11:12 p.m.

ron is a happy girl now x) ho! she's seventeen! .roars! to date, muchly thanks to:

;jew! first on the list for baking me a strawberry cake with lotsa chocolate. am seriously touched. my mom never even baked me a birthday cake before. so yes girl. thanks for waking up early, baking it and bringing it over to my house personally. xD

;puay, jiayi, ruizhen, xh, alvin for the superbly huge card with lotsa mushy notes inside which everyone wrote like a whole chuck of stuff inside. and also for the ruby diamond studded butterfly hair clip. and all the texts. x)

;gin, william for being the first two from class to wish me happy birthday. .smiles smiles.

;toe and shoes for roaring me a great birthday song? hoho. and erm im fidgeting in my chair wondering what toe has got in store for me. apparantly, she bought it quite some time back and it cannot be wrapped. what's making me quite afraid to receive her present is that her mom exclaimed, "who'd ever give this to someone as a gift!" and it's supposedly quite heavy. so im not sure how im supposed to feeeeeeeeeeel towards it. x/ but i love you too!

;kaysh and carol for remembering my birthday even after years. YEARS. esp carol. she always makes me feel bad about myself because i believe ive never done much for her on her birthday for the past years. x( but we decided to continue writing. x)

;nicholas, bigJ, kokleng for wishing me happy bday online. hah. okay, i forced kokleng to do it. but nevertheless, hahaha!

;jac for conveniently forgetting my birthday. x( and making me cry for a short while. but oh wells, her hug redeemed her. hah!


okay. this is the list so far. less than an hour since the clock striked twelve. and jiayi just gave me a kiss after passing me a real long letter in pink!!!!! .ROARS! (she's staying over and is right beside me) okay that was sweet. oh melts. she said my face is so red now. but rahhh!!! XD

my family went out to eat just now. and they sang me a birthday song right in the car! seriously, though we just went to a nearby coffee shop for nasi lemak, im contented. really, really, really. the past birthdays have never been remarkable ones. but i still thank God nonetheless for them. i have come so far. x) i feel good about myself now. thanks to everyone's words of love, appreciation and encouragement. they must all be little angels sent from above. God answered my prayers already.

-lalalas- jia's here to spoil the entry! (x hahahas! "happy birthday! -hugs-

01:03 a.m.

so pardon me while I burn
and rise above the flame

alright. my tagboard doesnt go with this new layout so i had it removed. x) but wells, there's always my guestbook for my frequent taggers! xD i am so tired. but really happy xD. it has been such a long time i let myself off with my cash and just pamper myself with things i like. and here's a breakdown to where my cash went to x)

;nice denim skirt $29.90
;black print shirt $ 9.00 (haha)
;red strawberry letter pad $ 4.15
;jap origami paper chest $ 6.00
;notebook binder $ 7.55
;small black ink pen $ 2.60
;red A4 paper folder $ 3.95
;rainbow hair clip $ 1.90
;red toe ring $ 2.90
;shades of red bracelet $ 5.90
;red ring earrings $ 4.90
;neoprints $ 3.00
;dinner at domi $10.00
;gummy chewies $ 3.00


that adds up to $94.75? i just felt like remembering down what i bought. so >< to whoever who doesnt like me doing this. it's good once in a while to go on a spree.

and wells, after dinner today, we went to seiyu. x) the toy section! and gosh! we were all walking down our memory lanes. the eye widenings, "gosh!" gaspings, exhilerating laughters and outbursts of euphoria was definitely a feeling to lock up in our hearts. x) ahh. at times we just all wish we were kids once again huh.

someone asked me straight in my face if i was a sentimental being. and that made me think for a while. he took a bet on the answer yes. but yes? hmmm me sentimental? .thinks.

11:29 p.m.

the rhythms and beats in your heart
throws me off my seat

im rocking to guster. x) singing along too! oh wells. learnt much at jamming today. had a plasant surprise x) bumped into ping, pei, char and ser in the studio. today was an overdose of guns and roses' sweet child o' mine. ping and guys were doing it, the guys next door ours was doing it and jacob did it when he heard the ppl next door. x( oh whatever. im pretty sick of it already. if one day our team can ever do something like dream theatre or air or guster or nickel creek or just simply x japan, i'll be contented.

it just sets me thinking. about what im not sure. but thoughts are running rampantly in all directions in my mind. sometimes, just sometimes, it's good to listen to something like color me bad's wildflower. mellow, slow, deep and romantic. let the rain fall, let the rain fall.

apparantly, some people think im fierce and intimidating. ha! i admit i am. to those whom i dont know well. yup. im an introvert. more so, im a threat to some people! okay, i just heard bout all these and im almost about to... hmns. i dont know. let's just chill to prince's most beautiful girl in the world. x) his oh so sexy voice.

12:44 a.m.

but in her eye it's beauty
that she never knew

ive thorns in my heart. ive bitter roots inside too. and shufen reminded me today that when paul prayed thrice for release from thorns in his flesh, He said, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weaknesses."

every time i talk to shufen, i never fail to grasp a lil of her spirit. her humilty is something to speak of. even though she's my shepherd, she isnt afraid to share with me her struggles and she's so open. she's capable of dropping things down to ground zero and just show you everything in her. she never gives anyone the "im holier than thou" attitude. and that's what impresses me. you have it, but you dont flaunt it. the same goes for beauty i suppose. x)

there's just so much you can learn from people. from their life stories, from their thoughts and emotions. they just tell a whole lot about our creator. they reveal a splash of creativity, intelligence, artistry, brilliance and mystery. and they captivate me in absolute marvel.

just some random thoughts here;
in the book of john, it is said that we can worship in spirit and in truth. so isnt it an irony when we say "we can't worship together anymore" when someone leaves the group or church or simply just goes away from another physically? how ridiculous. hahaha.

12:01 a.m.

for having known your name all my life
i discovered today youre not that far away

didnt we all say "friends forever" at the end of our primary school journey to our best friend? i did. but im detesting myself for not having kept to that promise all you out there think is totally insignificant and cliche. here i am, reading her blog for the very first time in my life wondering where has she been all these while. im reversing my time of memories to the day i last saw her. 17th March 2000. she had the heart to celebrate my birthday with me. but thereafter, i never talked to her again. until recently when she texted me. she saw someone who triggered off thoughts of me. but me? id just forget the whole deal of trying to find her back when im reminded of her. it might have been fear. fear of not being able to find the right words to tell her. or perhaps it has always been guilt. the sheer guilt of not having kept to my promise. or even shame, for needing to take such a long time to talk to her again. needless to say, arrange a time to meet up with her.

it's been so long since ive found a blog worthy for read. i can't help but lock myself in her writings. for a simple reason, she's pretty much like me. like how different can we get having come from similar backgrounds and having grown up together. so let's say we get to meet one day. will we be able to hug and say we've missed each other? seriously, i doubt. we've changed too much, though in the same direction, though having stuck to our principles since we began to saw the ugly side of humankind together.

then again, she's a name in my memory. vaguely can i see her face. but i believe she must have grown to be a fine young lady from the words of others. whereas here i am, not having really grown out of my shell. and now, i remember what tore us apart. me. i think of how she emailed me saying she has always been jealous of me and how much ive changed. woe to veronica neo. for being the unworthiest friend to befriend in the entire history.

i read of how direct and indirectly sarcastic she is just like me and how she reads as widely as i do. for a tad bit in time, i find her in me and myself in her.

my drawer is still filled with her many letters. even when we were in the same class, we wrote. we posted letters to each other. call it silly. but it was only in writing could we find our releases. she knew my thoughts and i understood hers. so now, when and what made us stop this whole deal?

and for the first time in my friendship history with this one special girl ive know my entire life, im initiating to do something about it. so for a start, im going to search for her address in those letters before she walks further away from me.

10:13 p.m.

you just hold me in awe
absolute awe

doing the forty days fast and purpose driven life has really got me thinking alot. like what i wanna do with this breath of life in me and such. after water bapt, i just kept pondering what am i going to do with this new life. strangely, i prayed bout it. and ever since, ive started to see many many weaknesses in me. during worship in caregroup today, so much was revealed to me, i was overwhelmed. i dont wanna lead a ya-ya rah-rah life. that kinda "wah! im so happy today blah blah blah" and go on crapping and laming around. it's time to get serious. i mean just imagine the things Jesus would hear you say and see you do if He was by your side. if you wanna say something that'd hurt someone, directly or indirectly, just think. how would Jesus feel about you if he heard that? like shuf said, "it's never easy carrying up the cross and wait for Him." like we're just here to prepare ourselves a better place in heaven? so if you dont wanna get to heaven, forget bout this whole loving and serving God thing. if you wanna take up the name of Christ of being a Christian, follow Him. if you wanna be lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, God is about to spit you out of His mouth. it's in revelation.

the blood of your sheep is in your hands. remember, youre accountable for them. if you wanna lead the way you want to but not what God wants you to, dont bring others down with you. if youre stagnant spiritually, dont sit there and wallow in self-pity and think no one cares bout you and youre a loner blah blah blah. get back on your feet and see where you can actually be in Christ. .sigh.

this is just an entry from a veronica who's angry with herself for not having loved enough and with all else out there who have been living their lives like there's no tomorrow and those who havent realised the importance of lives.

12:22 a.m.

i tasted my tears by the corner of my lips
and it's no longer salty

ive got a confession to make. i still have not learnt how to accept everyone fully. i have no idea why in the world it takes so much outta me to just love someone. ever since i was a lil kid i detested anyone who did anything like me. or simply have the same thing as me. in short, copycats. i mean if they're things like hair accesories, mobiles, microwaves, television, etc. ive nothing against them. cos they're like so common. but to have someone who actually likes almost every you like and tries to own someone else's character is such a turn off for me. i remember when i was in kindergarten i screamed at this other girl who went to buy the same masak masak play set as the one i had. yea, ron was one mean and evil kid.

.roars. does this sound like one jealous woman to you? >.< i just cannot stand it when i see couples wearing the same thing or friends wearing the same stuff. i will never do it. so this is definitely not jealousy. i dont know. God, what do you think?

11:23 p.m.

it was beautiful. Jesus was beautiful. i have never come so close to hearing angels sing and seeing demons thrown into fire before. the vision was so exhilerating when i was immersed. i feel so clean. so pure. so worthy and finally, grateful. 7th March 2004. .smiles. i was born again in the name of Christ.

it was so difficult to make this decision of obedience when my parents strongly objected against this whole idea of me being water baptised. but thank God i had my caregroup who encouraged and helped me up when i fell, bruised and broken. having to see Jesus' face once again after having been through so much this week was such sweet emancipation. i can still feel the Holy Spirit tingling in every fibre of my body. x)

initially i was thinking of baptism names when i actually settled on one. but later on i changed my mind because i was thinking "why should i get some fanciful name or another name when God has already called me Veronica?" right? it just doesnt make sense to make my long name any longer. nor does it make any sense to call myself by a name that i like but doesnt define my identity in Christ? worse still, name myself a name that has no meaning in Christ. and the song God is the strength of my heart has been ringing in me til now. x)

veronica

Ve*ron"i*ca, n. [LL.; -- so called from Veronica, a woman who, according to an old legend, as Christ was carrying the cross, wiped his face with a cloth, which received an impression of his countenance; Veronica is fr. MGr., fr. Macedonian , for Gr. , literally, carrying off victory, victorious.] 1. A portrait or representation of the face of our Savior on the alleged handkerchief of Saint Veronica, preserved at Rome; hence, a representation of this portrait, or any similar representation of the face of the Savior.

the face of the Savior will forever and ever ever be imprinted behind my eyelids. and when i close my eyes, i will see Him.

Now just the other day
i overheard a flower talking to the sky
he said,"you know that i would be nothing without You"
he said,"you give me rain,
you give the sun a place to shine
You're everything
that my whole existence comes down to"
and then the flower started singing a song
before i knew it i was singing along
and we sang
this is my declaration of dependence
this is my declaration of my need
this is my declaration of dependence
on the one who gave His life to me
Now, let me say that
im the kind of guy who wants to do it all myself
dont want to ask for help,
dont like to stop for directions
but in reality im nothing on my own
itis by God's grace alone
that i can make this confession
all that i am and all im hoping to be
is all and only what He's given to me
and i know this is how my life was meant to be
i was made for this dependency
on the one who has created me
so i'll sing my declaration song
for the one i am depending on
and i hope youll sing along

.smiles smiles smiles.

and muchly thanks to jiayi for my favourite egg tart. shufen for that pretty water bottle. nicole for that flower. jasmine for that packet of marshmellows and the many postcards. x) thanks to jeremy too for standing in for my keyboard duty.

1 Peter 3:21-22
In it only a few people, eight in all, were saved through water, 1and this water symbolizes baptism that now saves you also - not the removal of dirt from the body but the pledge of a good conscience toward God. It saves you by the resurrection of Jesus Christ, who has gone into heaven and is at God's right hand -with angels, authorities and powers in submission to him.

09:30 p.m.

yiling

in moments like these, i want to go look you up and sit by your side. i'll let you cry on my shoulders and give you a hug. yet i know not where to find you nor do i know you by face. i can only link myself to you this way online and the few mobile text that comes and goes. we've shared our dreams, hopes and wishes. ive smile at you in photographs but my eyes have never met yours. when i tell you things i know my thoughts are safe with you. and when you share with me your beautiful fairytales i'll sit and read at what you type and just smile. i can't tell you how many times youve made me smile in my heart but id want you to know i am ready to love you if someone else cannot do a good job. because like i said, girl, you deserve better.

02:20 a.m.

a silence deep at night
with shadows on the wall

.hearts christian dior. went to the christian dior couture site with superb flash animations. and was led to the dior.com site that was absolutely amazing. im addicted to DiorAddict since i bought that ulu fashion mag a year ago. apparantly, the release of DiorAddict didnt work out last year and they revamped the adverts and the second DiorAddict launch was a bigger success. which started a few months back.

rosy the lines that you wrote with your hand
reading between them to misunderstand
i made the mistake you said not to make

sometimes it's dangerous when you know someone far too well. it makes you think twice, or thrice about who that person really is. it's hard to dig out what's truth in a stage show

10:54 p.m.

the skies fly high
soar above the night
i wish it pierces into heavens

so there is actually somebody out there who thinks and remembers me when it rains. .hearts hearts shoes.

there are two dragonflies of different species courting at my pond. xD you dont know how blissfully peaceful it is to sit there and look at them play. fleeting around and tapping on ripples. i wonder how theyre offsprings are gonna turn out like. x) one's pink. the other's yellow or green? we'll just wait and see. ahhh. so much for God's artistry. beautiful things. beautiful world. my obsessive adoration

10:49 a.m.

random blog

i took off my headphones but let the song running and went to the toilet. and when i was in there, i could actually hear kokia from there! hoho. my toilet's nearly four metres away from my com. so when i can't hear myself on the keyboard when the keyboard monitor is just right behind me on stage, it's because of my ears. not anything else right. x(

12:20 a.m.

there's always more to it
than just what you see

just read my class' blog and my classmates'. i can't describe my exact feelings now but im affected.

okay. let me be open bout this. these few days havent been good days exactly. pretty personal stuff so wont get down to the gritty ditty details. but you can ask me if you think you should know but i havent told you. x)

anyway i sent mr tong a text this morning and he called me. i spilled it all out and he gave me the best advice and affirmation anyone on earth could in times like this.

when i look at the red background of this blog i remember nanyang then i realised im secretly having a huge infatuation with nanyang. i wont call it in love. but im beginning to get my heart strings tied to it. it definitely has to be the people. my class and my teacher. even though it's barely two months, ive enjoyed the wholesome fun we've had together. and i heard o4a1's gonna stick together and mr tong's gonna stay with us cos he has started to like hanging out with us! so dang! im relieved. x) and to make things better, shoes is staying, guanyin is coming and toe!!! ohhh .hugs all three of them together. (group hug xD)

i actually feel better today after spending time with toe and having cg.

11:54 p.m.

nothing hurts more
than being slapped face-on
by the one you love

theres a kind of emptiness that can fill you
theres a kind of hunger that can eat you up
theres a cold and darker side of the moonlight
and theres a lonely side of love

theres a certain kind of pain that can numb you
theres a type of freedom that can tie you down
sometimes the unexplained can define you
and sometimes the silence is the only sound

.hugs shuf. she always makes me feel better.

oh. there are chances that i might land up in yjc. simply because they've music as a subject and i meet their pre-requisites for that subject. i wont have to suffer with econs. but ny's holding me back together with o4a1, mr tong and oratorical nationals.

11:13 p.m.