#1"I want you to isolate the feeling or emotion you call (insert the name of the specific feeling you want the patient to discover). Now I want you to go back in your life memory to that point just before you ever felt this feeling, and tell me what happened to you for you to want to feel this feeling."
its like fresh air in the morning. To be in the grip of something so fresh and good. Let it fill up your lungs. It always feel the same but it feels different everyday. It's great. Then u use that fresh morning air, still in your lungs, to do something for the day. That's nothing.
its wonderful when another her lover calls her by your pet name for her. It's called transposing. It's called passing the fire, olympics style. so then? What becomes of the me? The me. I might as well burn out. Phish!
#2"Now I want you to go back to the beginning where you first found (insert the name of the specific feeling you want the patient to discover), but this time, I want you to use your current age-life state of mind to evaluate the situation, and to use your imagination to change the way you dealt with the situation. Your imagination will then create everything so that the outcome is to your satisfaction. Tell me what happens this time."
Everything seems find. The fresh air still feels fresh. Even though its passed thru filthy walls, dusty floors, the underarms of dead walking men and women, of shit eating yuppies and rotting horses. I take it in. That's what my body needs. Its in the air. It hurts each time i breathe, each time i heave and release. I heave to release. To release. To heave to release. I fall off my legs and find myself face up, its easier for fresh air. sweet. sweet. ache ache. No one is alive until he/she falls in love.
#3"Do you like this outcome better than the original scenario?"
i feel myself bleeding from the back of my head. The whole bulk of my brain just been squeezed and drained of fluids. After all who needs that area of the brain. For what its used for. I have no need for that kind of release anymore. Hooray! I strive to be a modern man. To break free of the shackles of abstractations. I see my hands i breathe in invisible fresh air. I cannot see but i breath. I feel but what exactly do i feel?
#4"I want you to take the original memory and throw it in the garbage can. I want you to take this new memory and install it where the old memory was. In this way, for all time, you will only ever remember this outcome, and your life will change accordingly."
Slash burn slash burn. I cannot trust anyone. I must not trust anyone. There is no trust i am not one person. I am not a pretentious person because i am not one person. I am a spectrum of different reactions to different "live" situations. When i am afraid, i am cautious, When i am threatened i am rational. When i am happy i am delirious. When i am in love, i shit in my pants and find myself some bad porn.I must not trust anyone other than that of my own frail sexuality, male. Male. 23, male.
#5"I now want you to go to the beginning of your life, and I want you to replay it and judge it. Look for outcomes where you believe your decision has created emotions that are hurting you, and when you find one, stop and revise the memory, just as you have done, and toss out the original memory into the garbage can. In this way, you remove the difficult problem thinking errors and replace them with ones that you currently would accept as reasonable. Tell me when you are finished."
i am Hermia. This is a late summer's night dream. I have been poisoned by puck's mischievious little games. Games. My lysander has followed demitrius to gang bang some other girl. I sit here in the woods, and mumble to myself. This is a dream. I bite nails and figure out the stars to end this dream. i have no soul. To deny the soul would be most blasphemous thing horh? I want to deny it. To deny a disease that has been mistaken for a cure. For that. I take my leave and that i wake up.
#6Incorporating the ability to revise memories and past events on a global scale. This will take time, perhaps an hour or two, or it can take minutes. It depends on the person.
Saturday, August 21, 2004 03:05 a.m.
Lennon gave me a gun and i was happy souns in the head:Morrissey's you are the quarry, David bowie's Young americans, bruce springsteen's nebraska and envy's from here to eternity.
ein:keep fighting.
part 2:i am increasingly becoming disappointed in everythin including myself more and more as the days go by.i couldnt help but respond immeadiatley to trina's msg, because it is what it is, a fight.
trei:the cold sleek of the newest latest japanese car, passes me after i see a mother. Today is assumption day and i have never been so disappointed. Are my expectation too great? JUST FUCKING TELL ME. Everyone gives me the idea that my expecatations are too great. Jesus wanted everyone to love everyone, that was a great idea, but look at the damned expectations. What is this just tell me.
part 4:today. i am reborn an old war veteran with my face wiped from a cloth, drenched in sweat. I trudge through a womb of abstractations and magazine soaked trenches. I see American flags everywhere, in my womb, in my future grave, in my hands and in my spit. When i look up, there is no sky, but a mirror of the tabloid invested vagina that i emerged from. There is no up and down only left and right. My choice only to my sides. American dreams. American dreams. Chinese tongue moistens these yankee lips blackened by post colonial establishment cigarettes.
Part 5:I fell asleep somewhere and died and woke up in this place. I believe that this is not real. I cannot feel that i am shaun when i draw my conciousness away, and let it drift into nothingness. I cannot do so. My talents are just the consequence of you.
I want to bury my face in armpits of my lover.
i want to bite my tongue and drink my blood, and swallow my fleshy-tongue in some self designed pagan mass.
#1: why didnt my church even ask me to play? To play for the youth thingie tom? Sometimes i wonder what does God even want me to do with this. They asked pple from outside of the church to play guitar for it. The place where i was literally brought up in, breathed and lived in and fell in and out in love with. I remember when i was depressed in used to lock myself in the upper room and sing improvised lyrics and cry hahaha.. talk about mopey.. I played music that made myself happy, hopeful and i hope... Inspired others as well. Sometimes i do not understand why am i so willing to teach and play.
one thing's for sure is that im bored.maybe? Im playing in something i dont want to. It's not me. The reason why i love bob dylan and King crimson is because i related to what i hear and this is what i want to play for others. I so want to give up. I so want to just cut off my fingers and burn my ears dry so that i wont be able to drain another lyric, note or noise from my head. Because its not worth it when it doesnt get to where i want.
#2:as u know ive picked up a job as a guitar teacher. Yesterday i went to maris stella to teach. Apparently, there were 10 students, then there were 2. I was expecting two. I reached there, looked high and low for the damned practice room, and no one showed up. None of the students showed up. I sat alone in the classroom, reading lower sec history books abt the suez canal. I left after 1 and a half hours of waiting. The general office pple said sorry and all. Frankly, i felt terrible after that. I felt so incredibly useless. I was disappointed. "these kids dont even care about what u love so much. Its nothing. I can come as and when u want even though i paid for it." i can say that i could give alot to these kids. I wanted to give SO FUCKING Much. Partly to prove to myself that what i know and learnt by myself is substantial and above all real. Tangible. whether i am real.
#3: Today i had a great time. So Good really. It felt like home. I hung out with the guys marcus and all. It was, great. Positive. I just sat down with josh and just jammed some "mogwai" stuff and it worked. The magic was there, the stuff that was there was elagaic and arabesque and all. I really like it, but somehow i cant. Im given myself until december after the guys come back from aussie then i will dedicate my time and friendship and brotherhood to those guys. I really had a good time. If any of you guys read this. U dont know how much hanging out with u guys meant. It meant alot to me. SO Much.
#4: today i made a strange decision. I went to camp to do reservist particulars which ended up PRETTY stupid. I was on the way home when suddenly i remembered something: i sent a sorry card and thought back to the army days; I smsed my old men. I miss them so much. So much. hanging out with the guys today reminded me so much of how being with pple can be so much fun. I miss yong long, vernon, chanan, teck soon, arthur, MSG lee, Capt. Gill, Dominic, Pirakash, JR, Zhu-zhu, Sam, Pang, weiyong, Poh keng and so much more. U could actually feel.. life. Come to think of it whatever tore me apart, brought me closer to this ideal. This ideal social environment.
#5:i made a decision today. A very wierd one. Very individual. Very personal. Very hahaha me. Its very nice. Yet very tragic. yet very bad. Good. Very selfish. Very for everyone. Very deep. Very true. Abandoned to something that i'll never know. Very something that i want. Yet something that i dont. Its long term. The end of the decision will not turn out the way i may want it to be. At least its a stand. I want to stand up. To prepare to sacrifice. To prepare to really bring myself down. To humble myself to whatever fears. To hold myself together. It's a stupid thing. The worst. The bottom feeder. The reason for my rite of passage. And above all of the above, what i love.
What tore me apart may just pull me back together, for good until im done with this life. If it fails. Then God help me. Please be there if i do. I really do believe in what u preach.
Sunday, August 15, 2004 02:21 a.m.
there is a light that never goes out sounds in the head: Morrissey's i am the quarry, david bowie's hunky dory,arab strap's the red thread, melody club's music machine, depeche mode's ultra, texas is the reason's do u know who you are, the red chord's fused together in revolving doors and ROXY MUSIC's AVALON.
does the mind control the body: so here i am. it feels very familiar the taste, the smell, the heavy heartaches that remind me of the humming of an old fan, that's seen greater years than i have. Familiar like the taste of the sounds of things that i have seen on overseas trips. All the things people say all echo, reverberate in my eyes, so much that i hear eveything. A completeness. A wholeness that u can put a pin in today and yesterday comes out on the other end. I write in this blog because im down, in a humourous black hawk down war movie way, deep into the heart of darkenss trying to find that damned colonel.
or does the body control the mind?: i have to write in tableaus to certain extents to keep things a little private. no worries mate if u get it im just a lill tad sad in a cheesy way.
so here we go again. U feel that time only moves along the way of an international global economy and the only way u can feel older is how much money is there under your name. Your name. Is it mine or yours? Who mouths and says your name the most in this lifetime? You will surprised that u dont say your name as often as your friends or your family. So is it my name or your name? What do we own? We never own anything that's rightfully ours, rather we share it. We share it, the tragedy of life is that we are all co-dependent. im sorry I want to be alone with what i want from you. My takings.
is it easier to take than to give? With our mouths, we recieve, we eat. We get food poisoning. We eat. With our mouths when we give, we exchange. we spit at each other. We communicate. Its safer to take than to give. giving? what's there left?
Day #1 corpus christi
"so you've started doing something that u like shaun. that's great!"
the reason why i cannot meet you, until im "ready" is because i can only make way for total acceptance, no more and no less. Total acceptance means the world for me. Total acceptance is the world for me and you too.
here i am, loving every moment of avalon. I feel so old yet keep myself young, and optimistic at my childish whims at humoring myself. It feels old. So old, its fucking unbelievable. take it please? no more.
please. stop it. please. Please go away. i do not want it because i want it so much. No more no less. unless i do what the world wants me to do now, even my catholic beliefs equip me to do so.... to substitute it. With god, with television programming, with da vinci's code, to trail every bit of longing and in its place, a much more "profitable" length of "substitutes". Even no matter how far the trail goes, hansel and gretel can find their way back by following it.where does it go? home. and its all the way behind me, the back of me. constant substitution never ever felt this good, even to the discerning consumer. With all these alternatives taking form of water, able to fill every godamm human desire. This is unnatural. This is not why i was born. This is not why i was born to lead myself into false hope, and at the end of this numbing comfort... I am full of shit. (the crowd roars satisfied at the amount of emotional release that line "i am full of shit" has brought them, even more so coming from me.)
day #2 Lent
i starve myself, deep, etching little clues along the walls leaving parts of my nails behind (dont worry they'll grow back), like how hansel and gretel did. as i move.. in some direction. Leaving little wells dry, parched and empty. A little tear nearly escaped my ingenious cells that ive built from years of maturity. Just to fit in to your ownself. A pre-emptive attempt to evade whatever that life might throw at us. US.. god its a shame that it has to be us.
Some invisible fabric is strained. Strained like recently dyed silk in some chinese village. In the distance i hear the splish splash of water, of dyes eating deep into fabric that strains. The wind is blowing and the strain on the fabric draw itself deeper in the sound of the water. I hear no songs, no birds chirping no wind, but hands working in water. Dozen of hung silk dried in a multitude of colors form a horizontal kaleidescope of fantastic auras that more than time itself. The sound thickens and then stops, it is straight in front of me behind a rose colored silk hung from a bamboo pole. The strain thickens from the wind. There u are drying the dye from the silk, clothed from the same silk that u dyed. God i miss you. Its the 9th of august in that town. I cannot move or speak or talk, because i am not there. Not to long after the wind starts again this time pulling down the red silk into the mud. U come entirely in to view and this time. I lose the sound as it thickens in silence like the mud grounded on the floor, by the water.
epilogue:i cannot see you because i am not prepared. I havent been peeled, skinless, transparent, pared clean, openly for that one moment, only to rot faster without my skin. To darken, dehydrate. i do not want to see anymore shadows, that are drawn from your silhouettes, or pick up little vignettes in your dances, or see your likeness imposed on barbie dolls, i trust in god that i believe what u are, in your soul and in your hands. I want to see you how i see you. No light, no sound, no memory and no lifetime. Then will i loosen that taste.
"And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine
there is a light that never goes out"
"there is a light that never goes out"- the smiths.
"Blank screen TV
Preening ourselves in the snow
Forget my name
But I'm over you
Blended sunrise
And it's a dying world
Humming Rheingold
We scavenge up our clothes
All my violence
Raging tears upon the sheet
I'm bewildered/resentful
For we're strangers when we meet
"stangers when we meet" -david bowie
and for the rousing applaud i shall grant the audience an encore of sorts.
"i am full of shit!"
a matyr, a hopeless knave to your own taking. sincerely yours.
Sunday, August 8, 2004 03:58 a.m.
today i can nearly taste your skin. sounds in the head: David bowie's ashes to ashes, My bloody valentine's s/t, Godspeed you black emperor's live at the scala, Rites of spring's end on end, Gary numan's The pleasure principle and human league's travelogue. HONOURABLE MENTION TO........... DEPECHE MODE's ROSE REMIXES VOl.1...
enjoyed the silence?:ok ok so ive been totally inactive, updating this blog like now only. The reason being is.. Im actually BUSY! my god who would've tot that id be busy!! but what with?? hmmm...for some strange reason i played the tapestry gig as a last minute bassist for this band called the figure and the fighter, a emo-core/scream-o covers band. i had great fun playing the bending by hopesfall and all totally rocking. I played sonic fest with john and issac for the accidental notes!( cant help but feel motown with the name) and there's this song writing thing with fran and imm that im suppose to turn up fot the recording later on in the day at 1145, but im pretty reluctant because im doing vocals.. im pretty shy about my vocals and all leh basically.
And the best part! I got winterhalter on the latest Nus OMS compilation disc! WORH! alongside pension state, NOOb, vertical rush and all!! I dunno feels like a great step for the project. I just dont want to let all my deep bowie/smith-isms all go to waste with music trends like that, i wanna play shit like that man... like some b-grade marc bolan and all. So's im on the the comp and ive got this website that im constantly procrastinating setting up... have to get the right feel and design with minimal coding... something like across between, peter saville, anton corbijn, blade runner and The goth chick from the breakfast club. Hopelessy complex but its worth a try.. Its at www.winterhalter.blogger.com (i think its right hahhaa)..
Future pasts: Ok so ive picked up this stint as guitar teacher assistant for this company that's offering this course for secondary schools, this is for some National Arts council "let's make singaporeans more artsy" thing. And today some wierd lady called me from a biotech company offering a job as admin, and im supposed to be meeting for an interview this friday! LIKE THAT! I feel funny its like all of sudden... JOBS.. WorH!Its amazing how the situations sudden supplies shit Like that to happen! But seriously i must not get carried away and forget the things im suppose to do.. like SAVE MONEY crap man... IM SO STUPID.
im gotten back into sci-fic again and worh! Ive started reading Dune again! GREAT and of course the greatest thing to happen this year is the LATEST ISSUE OF EIGHT BALL!! RAGHRRAGGHRAGHARGAGRGGHARGAGHrghraragr....... yes yes... everyone should own a copy... And man.. depeche mode's remix of insight from ultra is so good.
ok lost touch so what's coming up. Aug 21st i'll be playin bass with none so far at nus for the oms fresh man thingie.. did i just type fresh man.. FRESH MEN..
man im beginning to become STUPID.
mroe more mext time ITS TOO ALTETAEkjadsfhsd
Thursday, August 5, 2004 01:18 a.m.
domesticated homesickness #1 souns in the head: Saetia's retrospective, arab strap's the red thread, Paik's corridors, pavement's slanted and enchanted, sonic youth's sonic nurse and set fire to flames' telegraphs in negative/mouths trapped in static.
hey ho~well im back from MElbourne and its great to be back!Some what actually.. damn IT! After being detached blissfully from my whole life starting in Singapore, its quite sad if not depressing to bring back yourself from look at it as "my whole life starting in singapore. i can only isolate this feeling to homesickness i guess. Well u can say maybe its impossible cause ive only gone to melbourne for short week! I mean what are the chances of me feeling HOMESICK! afterall im part of the chinese minority there, and i dont get the same respect like i do here. Wait, think again.. i get a different sort of respect. So here i am, getting all (in mag's terms) Crumbling down (of up?depends on who's looking from where). So today's dumb entry is my attempt looking for a cure after some self diagnosis. so what's new right? well let's just say that everybody's taking everything they do as a carthasis, just a form of release, yea boys wank everyday so everyone's a wanker. Its ok.
feet:my feets pretty numb from over walking and shit too much in Melbourne pretty fine really. All nice and cold even with two layers of the same pair of sock that i've been wearing for the past few days. Having the wind, cold and all in your feet makes u think you're walking on clouds and all, maybe in heaven? Im developing some crummy blisters on the ball of my feet which sucks, because it reminds me of the type id get after army route marches. which is something that i hate to remember.
legs:my legs are pretty sore from all the hilly walks all ard the place. Imagine orchard road being on a hill, with tanglin the lowest and takashimaya the highest, u wouldnt be walking up and down all the time would u? It was so cold so i wore another pair of shorts underneath my jeans, which was served as a crotch and butt size enhancer hahah, it made my hips much more fuller.
Lower torso: Dry weather does do good for the bowels really it doesnt. Half the time while i was doing my SHITTy business, i felt i was having mentrual bleeding and having paper cuts on your asshole with industrial strength toilet paper made it worse. It was funny when me and bran kept comparing who bled the most. Sometimes i wonder if girls do the same with their panty liners in the secret dungeons of female toilets.
upper torso:it was great breathing fresh cold air, thin and pristine every morning. well, duty free cigarettes totally cancelled out any possibility of the benefits of breathing fresh air. I was pratically breathing like an ox the whole time with the weather. For two days my lower lip was totally stiff, totally dried out and bleeding cause i didnt want to use the lip balm i bought. Why? because the lip balm was for girls and i didnt want to walk ard melbourne looking a Fantastic Asian Gay Hot Boy (F.A.G.H.B). Oh well.
Heart/soul:well i could say this is the problem area. Still infected by some germs. Well it didnt help that melbourne's MEL-bourne and that the goddamm short form for melbourne was MEL.. so u had workers and cars all over the goddamm place with MEL everywhere.. even my check in luggage had the words MEL on them. I had to have a closer look before i realised that its just coincidential. so what? i kinda figured out why i was so fucked after my sec 3 trip there. If you read the prev. entry i'd guess you'd know right? i came back to a home where there was someone i really want to be with now. I came back home to my family and i love them. I came back home to someone who's so beautiful and never fail to inspire me ( despite the fact that im pretty stupid to do that) i came back to someone whom i love and swear that i will not do so. I came back to this whole chunk of emotions and.. situations that are so complex that when seen from where i was in melbourne.. seemed like a whole mass of shit. that's what happened in sec 3, and i couldnt cope with the fact that sonic youth isnt as popular here as in melbourne. Ok ok joking.. but i couldnt cope with the fact that i was living in this chunk of shit. PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE TENSE. To make matters worse, this time i realise that my own decisions help contain all these things in that chunk of shit. Everything all greyed out there wasnt a black or white.
each night overseas, i had a different dream abt some part of my life. Which was strange. Look here. I was there for a week and 7 days. Ok ok.. let's not biblical here but yea. I had dreams abt everything. I somehow found all this pieces of stars and dreams strewn across my forehead underneath the skies there. Maybe its the tempreture yea? haha. i started thinking about m. alot. But this time it was different because this time, i had to leave something, a part of me behind. It was strange because i thought i lost my handphone charger in the hotel room, i just couldnt find it. when i had actually put it in my suitcase. So here i was constantly wondering what the hell i left behind. Its something important but wtf is it? all the way to the airport and here i am. I sure did leave something important behind. and with it alot of things. I left brandon behind.
before i left. I started this idea that i was unconciously developing with every single thought and every single conversation with everyone. This idea was about who inspires me, who can continue to inspire and who has been and can do nothing and inspire me naturally. I starting sifting thru my phone book and i came up with some names.
I wanna say a big thank you to brandon for inspiring me all these 10 years (!!!!). Its been a decade and we still havent had sex, but the time we had in melbourne was the first time we've ever gone overseas together. Goes to show that u can be great pals and not go homo. This time brandon was left behind in melbourne (for studies-ed) along with things like sonic youth, homemade theremins, the new republic white pages, food not bombs, asian hot girls, souvlakis, fuck bush graffiti, free jazz improv didjediroo, shaolin kung fu schools, lonesome wondering along the streets, trains, colingwood asian sluts, smelly goths, skinny puppy shirt wearing dick heads, french fries, bongs etc etc. for a good reason. He's gone there along with the greatest things that will continue to inspire me for another 10 years (gay-free of course) and beyond. This is what i realised today. thanks brother.take fucking care of your penis.
more to come. seriously. I feel extremely homesick.
Thursday, July 15, 2004 09:33 p.m.
domesticated homesickness souns in the head: Saetia's retrospective, arab strap's the red thread, Paik's corridors, pavement's slanted and enchanted, sonic youth's sonic nurse and set fire to flames' telegraphs in negative/mouths trapped in static.
hey ho~well im back from MElbourne and its great to be back!Some what actually.. damn IT! After being detached blissfully from my whole life starting in Singapore, its quite sad if not depressing to bring back yourself from look at it as "my whole life starting in singapore. i can only isolate this feeling to homesickness i guess. Well u can say maybe its impossible cause ive only gone to melbourne for short week! I mean what are the chances of me feeling HOMESICK! afterall im part of the chinese minority there, and i dont get the same respect like i do here. Wait, think again.. i get a different sort of respect. So here i am, getting all (in mag's terms) Crumbling down (of up?depends on who's looking from where). So today's dumb entry is my attempt looking for a cure after some self diagnosis. so what's new right? well let's just say that everybody's taking everything they do as a carthasis, just a form of release, yea boys wank everyday so everyone's a wanker. Its ok.
feet:my feets pretty numb from over walking and shit too much in Melbourne pretty fine really. All nice and cold even with two layers of the same pair of sock that i've been wearing for the past few days. Having the wind, cold and all in your feet makes u think you're walking on clouds and all, maybe in heaven? Im developing some crummy blisters on the ball of my feet which sucks, because it reminds me of the type id get after army route marches. which is something that i hate to remember.
legs:my legs are pretty sore from all the hilly walks all ard the place. Imagine orchard road being on a hill, with tanglin the lowest and takashimaya the highest, u wouldnt be walking up and down all the time would u? It was so cold so i wore another pair of shorts underneath my jeans, which was served as a crotch and butt size enhancer hahah, it made my hips much more fuller.
Lower torso: Dry weather does do good for the bowels really it doesnt. Half the time while i was doing my SHITTy business, i felt i was having mentrual bleeding and having paper cuts on your asshole with industrial strength toilet paper made it worse. It was funny when me and bran kept comparing who bled the most. Sometimes i wonder if girls do the same with their panty liners in the secret dungeons of female toilets.
upper torso:it was great breathing fresh cold air, thin and pristine every morning. well, duty free cigarettes totally cancelled out any possibility of the benefits of breathing fresh air. I was pratically breathing like an ox the whole time with the weather. For two days my lower lip was totally stiff, totally dried out and bleeding cause i didnt want to use the lip balm i bought. Why? because the lip balm was for girls and i didnt want to walk ard melbourne looking a Fantastic Asian Gay Hot Boy (F.A.G.H.B). Oh well.
Heart/soul:well i could say this is the problem area. Still infected by some germs. Well it didnt help that melbourne's MEL-bourne and that the goddamm short form for melbourne was MEL.. so u had workers and cars all over the goddamm place with MEL everywhere.. even my check in luggage had the words MEL on them. I had to have a closer look before i realised that its just coincidential. so what? i kinda figured out why i was so fucked after my sec 3 trip there. If you read the prev. entry i'd guess you'd know right? i came back to a home where there was someone i really want to be with now. I came back home to my family and i love them. I came back home to someone who's so beautiful and never fail to inspire me ( despite the fact that im pretty stupid to do that) i came back to someone whom i love and swear that i will not do so. I came back to this whole chunk of emotions and.. situations that are so complex that when seen from where i was in melbourne.. seemed like a whole mass of shit. that's what happened in sec 3, and i couldnt cope with the fact that sonic youth isnt as popular here as in melbourne. Ok ok joking.. but i couldnt cope with the fact that i was living in this chunk of shit. PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE TENSE. To make matters worse, this time i realise that my own decisions help contain all these things in that chunk of shit. Everything all greyed out there wasnt a black or white.
each night overseas, i had a different dream abt some part of my life. Which was strange. Look here. I was there for a week and 7 days. Ok ok.. let's not biblical here but yea. I had dreams abt everything. I somehow found all this pieces of stars and dreams strewn across my forehead underneath the skies there. Maybe its the tempreture yea? haha. i started thinking about m. alot. But this time it was different because this time, i had to leave something, a part of me behind. It was strange because i thought i lost my handphone charger in the hotel room, i just couldnt find it. when i had actually put it in my suitcase. So here i was constantly wondering what the hell i left behind. Its something important but wtf is it? all the way to the airport and here i am. I sure did leave something important behind. and with it alot of things. I left brandon behind.
before i left. I started this idea that i was unconciously developing with every single thought and every single conversation with everyone. This idea was about who inspires me, who can continue to inspire and who has been and can do nothing and inspire me naturally. I starting sifting thru my phone book and i came up with some names.
I wanna say a big thank you to brandon for inspiring me all these 10 years (!!!!). Its been a decade and we still havent had sex, but the time we had in melbourne was the first time we've ever gone overseas together. Goes to show that u can be great pals and not have a sexual relationship. This time brandon was left behind in melbourne (for studies-ed) along with things like sonic youth, homemade theremins, the new republic white pages, food not bombs, asian hot girls, souvlakis, fuck bush graffiti, free jazz improv didjediroo, shaolin kung fu schools, lonesome wondering along the streets, trains, colingwood asian sluts, smelly goths, skinny puppy shirt wearing dick heads, french fries, bongs etc etc. for a good reason. He's gone there along with the greatest things that will continue to inspire me for another 10 years (sex-free of course) and beyond. This is what i realised today. thanks brother.take fucking care of your penis.
more to come. seriously. I feel extremely homesick.
Thursday, July 15, 2004 09:33 p.m.
traditionalism souns in the head: Zao's legendary, The cure pornography live '82, Caliban's shadow hearts and Mellowdrone's got get 'em tiger ep. ALBUM OF THE YEar's sweden's own Radio DEPT. U must check it out.
persistent systems:OK so here are we. Back to the same old entry by entry thing before anyone stops visiting this webbie which hasnt been up dated except that u can visit my http://bonsamanu.mypicgallery.com site which has many Stupid pics of me and me various shenangins. All's been ok... cept that ive started looking like a faggort after i pierced my ear hahah! And tt's the start!! hahha..
WEll other than that... I've ORDED!!!!! HAhahha.. shit man this goes to show that his blog has been here ever since i was in JI and thru army! Aint that amazing! WOWE!!!
Futurglyphicsoh well. alot my friends have been telling me to print out all the entries i think that be quite cool really. The other day i read them thru in its entirety and .. haha.
i just came back from time with Terrence, chen and dex and abraham. All good pple as julius would say truly. All i can say that ive gotten back my pre-enlistment boredom back already. Maybe im too sensitive yea? Maybe i feel that ive compromised alot of myself for pple that i feel terribly guilty. Its the same case outside of everything. When i look back and see the picture that i took with the guys, marcus and all on the night b4 i enlisted, the excitement and tension. Not forgetting the whole reassurance that i got from christine in UK on the icq the whole night when i couldnt sleep. It doesnt translate well to how things are now. In fact it doesnt at all. Im not sad and all but.... it just goes to say that the perfect symetry of experince corresponds not to your surroundings but what u feel and remember. All those times laughinn and at the void deck and all. Afterall, u realise how condescending and self righteous it all was. To always be clear headed and conscious is but one of the greatest challenges that i had, ever since secondary school as it should be for life...
i have never ever felt this way for two years. The weight of reality has never been so clean, so pristine. In her eyes. In his behaviour. In everyone's way of living. In everyone's way of dressing. straight down to the sole of your shoes really. Which comes to the same question. Can things be what i want of its all a matter of compromise?
My confirmation middle name's Paul, after Paul atredies from the book dune. I loved that book. My old lit teacher saw me reading dune messiah in sec 2 and he encouraged me to do so, he was caucasian of course, local teachers dont do that ahaha. Ive always treated dune as inspiring as ever. My whole secondary school life up to my NS i used the fear prayer he uses when im always in a tight spot. Last night i watched the john harrison version of it and its beautiful. I was sent back to then really.
Tomorrow i will leaving for melbourne, the last time i went was in sec 3 for student exchange programme. The place where i totally went mad. Much akin to william golding's the lost boys, and got myself retained being last in class in sec 3. What happened there? Tomorrow... im going to find out. All my experiences, the intensity, the floatiness of puberty and boisterous companionship.. all stemmed from that one month with pple that i never kept in contact with anymore. Its hard to relate with pple how i felt there but its was as much as the nervous breakdown i had in Pre-U 3. One thing that i loved telling myself everytime i listened to a new album in secondary school days... that was that the sleeper had awakened.
the sleeper must keep awake. If not he is not different from the rest. i love you.
Monday, July 5, 2004 07:18 p.m.
-nil Issue#2
well, here we go another entry. I've more or less omitted the sounds in the head thing because im going to write more ot less plenty or Horseshit about music.If you're interested for that matter, i could do it xanga style.. hahah
Currently lisetning to:In the fishtank vol.9, Sonic youth+i.c.p, mr bungle's disco volataire and zao's when fire and blood bring rest.
PUNK FLOYD
Ive just got myself a poor man's bootleg of Pink floyd's Like in pompeii ,and to summarise the whole Shit bang before we "set the controls for the sun"(in a stupid blog entry in 2004AD): Live in Pompeii is an essential docu/music video for any motherfucker alive. Did i just say motherfucker? OoOOOOoohhh.. everyone's a sinner yea? Trust me on this one.
i just Stopped the disc on One of this days of their album "meddle" because i cant take it. This is the shit. Live in pompeii is the only offical live footage available of Pink Floyd in thier glorious post "carnaby street/austin powers/Psychedelia/hippie Hoopie/MADMAN!!!" era which, sadly to most, is terribly underrated. TERRIBLY. After syd barret there was Roger waters.. ROGER WATERS. Tall with his hip bowl cut (same one as the fashion wrecks king of leon), with some of his teeth on his lower jaw apparently GONE. THe only comparison that one can make to in present tense would be a more terse, reserved johnny greenwood from radiohead. I guess u must be thinking now about the obivious comparisons with pink floyd and them i'll get to it sooner or later ok.
The grand design of their pre-darkside of the moon stage show is abosolutly exquisite and far ahead of its time. The stage set here is for no one. Pink floyd set up their whole stage equipment in the middle of what-may-be amphitheatre on Pompei. u remember pompei? The old greek city that was ravaged by a volcano eruption!? Yes.. this time its an eruption of sonic proportions, or Drums, wierd electronics, WARPED SPACED OUT FENDER STRATS, Fucking HARD SHIT bass lines... and not forgetting the china gong which lays out the most poignant image in the whole video: ROger waters with the sunlight behind him, while he articulates his body into that instrument to which to BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE GONG, as if sounding off the WARNING that Pompeii is doomeD!!
The video starts off with their shortened version of "echoes", which by our standards would seem terribly Dino-ROCKED already but seriously. The only difference is that these men, like joy division, like minor threat, like radiohead and many more "rock groups", were more concerned with where they were going then how they did it. Nick mason beats the shit out of the drums while Gilmour burns the snaps with his blues-nigger guitar lines, all along to a consciousness that's unbelievably familiar! Echoes, based on three movements, is KILLER on this disc. Abridged and pumped up, the sheer musical muscle of the performance would rival the times i saw led zep doing 20 mins of "dazed and confused" on "song remains the same"!
ok.. i shouldnt use classical rock comparisons but i have to. Punk rock hasnt been prematurely born. People were still drinking moderately. There wasnt a thing as condoms, and ziggy stardust hasnt come to earth yet and here we are. The most memorable song they play on the disc is "Careful with that axe eugene" with roger waters whispering that refrain over and over again. At a Perfect chorus climax RIPS the entire blanket of PRiMOPRIME-o with this bloodcurdling SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RElating the the living the terrror that the victims faced in the Disaster that Destroyed POMPEII!!! Oh mi god... Later on iggy pop would EXACTLY USE the same scream to hearken the end of RnR and BEAT on the album "funhouse" for the album closer "l.a. Blues" and to a lesser effect although just as historical, Prince's cresendo orasgmo scream to "raspberry beret" when he sing "I NEEEeeeeEEEEEeeeeDDDDD YYYYOOOOOOOOOOUUuuUUU" i swear that if the record execs werent there he would've put a "FfffFFFFFFUUUUCcckccccCCKCKKIIIINNNNN" in between "I" and "NEEEeeeeeEEEEeeeDDDD".
All in all, if you are a open minded music listener, this is for you. I suggest that u adopt this tried and tested idea: Music does not operate on a time scale, frame,machine ,SHIT ETC Etc, u just cant put a date on music. The sheer weight of the songs is akin to a big RED SLab on concrete that's just falling straight into the center of the earth FOR GOD's SAKES! Take Godspeed you black emperor's "storm" for example, or david bowie's "life on mars", or the MEATY AS HELL "TV EYE" by the stooges.. these songs know there is no room for subtleness.. its a FAILURE to be careful. For god's sakes just listen to GG allin's "drink, fight and FUCK", delivering a DAMNED SErMON before he kicks off INTO A HORRIBLE ENEMA OF TEENAGE BLUNTNESS!! Just like in pink floyd's beauty and my totally akward and incoherent 5am morning blog entry there is no way but everyway! since when was it proven that heaven was up? it could be anywhere or even infront of me.... AS LONG AS WE JUST KEEP GOING AND GOING..
GONG!!!!
Tuesday, June 29, 2004 04:54 a.m.
-nil v1.0
today, i found myself breaking down at my void deck to the most unexpecting thing. Ian McKaye's heart retching chorus of "Your emotions are politics" from the track "no more pain", from his band embrace tore watever strains that were holding me from something. Ian Mckaye. Now what the fuck right. True enough this is what i always thought "emo" lyrics were about, somewhat. It was still as affecting as ever really, the guitars, drums and bass speak alot differently than sunny beaches and naked girls in g-strings who dont love you, but more about a whole inhabited landscape of emptiness, in all our collective consciousness. If my heart had a place it would the same worn out fucked up, pauper scrapped together studio they recorded the album in.
I was just there astounded that this was recorded in the 80's just then i remembered how shock i was when TRON was concieved then too. Time didnt matter, it seemed like the truth yea? Even 20 years later it does still function as the truth.
Sueisfine:I havent updated my blog for a long time. Thinking about how to write an entry concerning the closing of this blog, took a damn long time. In the wordy weight of the stokes' "is this it"? Sad to say this isnt the end. Let's just say alot of things have happened in this war zone of a head i have.
Well, It's over really, the army for me. After 2 years of regimentation, dirty muthafuckin jokes and learning about life and myself, it was worth it really. TOtally worth it.but in this world and climate, "things" in its deepest tense, it's worthless. I've gone back to square one. I've wasted all this time with this illusion of being a better person and.. im sadly disappointed with myself, in other words a FAILURE. The only thing worth saving, is getting myself off with those memories i had with my bunk mates which were the best times of my life. Like sleepin in the bed next to dominic and talking, shittin on pirakash , runnin around the place like mad men, talking until the wee hours of morning and more so on so on. This level of expressing companionship can not replicated again out here again anymore. I bet humanity survived on moments like that to come out with something like the bible really.
Tell u frankly the joys of doing nothing is something to savour in army, so are the joys of leaving all expectations of what u want normally would want behind (like cigarettes on army camps, pretty girls sneaking in, killing your CSM and more prepubescent fantasies). Im really going to so miss the guys in camp really even though i know things will never be the same. even though we were aware, our handphones and modern convenience will never spare us from who we are and just hang out. I can say i put the blame on the world now, althought without the current standards of technology i'd never get the embrace album haha.
secrets: the other day, i went to watch mel's film at substation. Well, it was quite ok really, but one thing stuck in my head, a deep dead thud was all i felt resonating all thru my life at that point. I don't want to do mass communications. in fact, i'd rather something like a computer programmer or something. well only brandon know's, some wierd intuition told him so really. The fact is the reason why im so anal about music and movies and whatever fuck part of pop culture, is because i want mel back in whatever way. And for that im a failure.
The reason why a certain drive to read tons of books, to understand instead of just eating them (Much more cost effective anyway!), to really think critically about little trinkets of media commodity that we're fed was because of her. That day at the substation, i realised that i've lost the battle, that i've been fighting it blindly for a cause that's already lost. Mirroring my disappointment being in the army for so long, the situation with mel was not something u could not simply ORD it. Furthermore catching myself lost in some psychic currents of some downward spiral.
I REGRET TELLING HER I DID LOVE HER that day all this while, but i wouldnt know how much Herry and Calvin actually thought about things concerning mel and me. I've never been so sadly disappointed with myself and my friends. It was a stupid thing to do, a pre-emptive manuever so that everything i do in future wouldnt look so stupid. Looky here.
the next few entries will be nothing more then a relentless massacre of watever psychic distance there is between myself and the person i express myself to be. Between the lover and the love. Tonight's truth can be tomorrow's lie. Tonight's warmth can be tomorrow's hell. I myself believe that the amount of things i do to get rid of mel/get friendly with mel can make up the exact nano-dimensions of heaven or hell, but who's counting? ha. Today's marriage vows can be tomorrow's broken bottle.
.remedios.:The other night was the first time i was sleepless the whole night. I damn right in love so hard that i couldnt sleep. Listening to beach boy's pet sounds and all. MAN.. it ached like i just reached puberty. Hugh hefner once wrote on falling in love.. "What's wrong with being in love? Whatever u hear, taste, see, feel and smell feels different when youre in love.". True enough. It feels at the same time like heaven and hell, like black sabbath and lindsay lohan's hair. Damn. I hate it. really. I feel worse than i fucking mutilated ken doll.
You're Rubik's Cube!! You may think you're popular, but you're actually extremely annoying. Seriously.
What childhood toy from the 80s are you? brought to you by Quizilla Old school punk! You just say what you have to say regardless of what everyone else thinks! You're one of my most favourite types of music... You're raw and uncut! You're surrounded by hype...just don't let it make you go insane...
Everything is new to me. I like watching the world go by around me, and I don't sweat the small stuff--or the large stuff, either. Just so long as I stay warm and safe and dry, life's pretty good.
How Old is Your Inner Child? brought to you by Quizilla
Punk! My kind of friend. You could care less what other ppl think of you. You want friends who like you for who you are and not what you have. I mean, sure, sometimes you stick fries up your nose, but thats ok. People love you because you crack them up immensly! Your amoung friends! Rate my quiz fellow Homie!
Music and the art of smoking.
ok this time im not going to do a sounds in the head thing because at 3 am in the morning and..bored.. hahaha im going to write some thoughts on music.. pretty much my favourite topic that gets many pple irritated, especially when u don't have much of a life to start with hahaha.
before we start.: well, it's being very much ado nothing these days. Everyday has indeed been a saturday only a few days later did i start indulging in some mental stimulation in the form of Jon steel's book War junkie and Joe Sacco's excellent comic safe area:Gorazde. Both are equally powerful and real, an extension from my interest in war/politics and the holocaust. Well, and some Fallout tatics and Red Faction 2 on my Xbox, i can't be complaining too much should I?
The MUSIC!: Let's start off with what i've been listening to these days yep?
Dead poetic-new medicine
Everytime i die-hot Damn!
The dictators-go girl crazy
My chemical romance-i brought me my bullets, you brought me your love
The Bled-Pass the Flask
Shai Hulud-hearts once nourished with hope and compassion
Neil young and crazy horse-Weld
Refused-the shape of punk to come
Converge-when forever comes crashing
And...
some GG Allin mp3s..
TA DAH!:so what are we thinking here. Here's this week's play list with Kenji Kawaii's ghost in the shell OST and End of evangelion OST and more nonsense, but this is the main gist. You've got metal-fucking core, NEIL YOUNG!! and someGrindcore shit from carcass in the playlist. Your guess is that the list isn't complete yea? har har.
Anyway, what i trying to get across is after listening to classical music for some time, and going thru the burden of Looking for Classical music worth listening thru all means possible, its a difficult one! Why? Because classical music works in a commercial/marketing structure that is different than your usual indie mainstream ones. I'm not saying that classical works outside a pop culture economy, i mean look at Josh Groban, Charlotte church and more, they've made a considerable amount of money off people who want-to-dig-classical but can't because they really can't be bothered to go deep the shit. Kinda like the way these pple flirt with girls at pubs yea?Oh well, but that's the normal behaviour for our culture now yep?
As long as u hear Josh Groban or Charlotte church, chances are that someones goin to say that u hear classical opera without even appreciating the opera in Beethoven's Symphony no.9.
Classical music is virtually image free if you look closely, all u could think about are maybe the penguin suits with these glowing gold instruments in big groups led by an elder penguin. To actually say that classical music recitals are performance based would be.. hahhaha u know lah. Well, even the Album covers are totally unrepresentative of the contents of the music why? Because the music hears totally different from person to person! Let's take Stratvinsky's rites of spring for example, classical reviews like this one say this from allclassical.com "Comparable instances of such rhythmic and harmonic harshness abound throughout the work, these elements assuming, along with instrumental color, both individual and collective roles in a manner analogous to those of the characters. Like the musical elements Stravinsky uses in their portrayal, the girls, youths, and elders function together within the identity of their society, at the same time assuming and asserting individual roles in relation to one another. The action forges ahead in an increasingly frenzied trajectory, finding culmination -- in a sort of primal equivalent of cold logic -- in the charged, uncompromising sacrifical dance which ends both the ballet and the cycle of its ritual."
sounds familiar?well u can say that Classical music crtics are extremely scholarly over their writing concerning their music, their ownership over the music is clear in the vocab and the use of very very CLassical images to strengthen the impact. U can say it sounds like they wanna keep the kids out.
OK so what do i think about stratvinsky's rites of spring? When this piece was first performed in the 1900's it for a ballet about a girl who dances to death. There the gist of it. Very disturbing right? Very... ahem.. Cradle of filth! hahah.. ok ok joking. Rites of spring as a whole sounds to me like an extremely dark and perverse soundtrack. I heard it in my bunk after picking up a copy from HMV, performed(interpreted) by the chicago symphony. I was thinking this is going to be one of those nice sweet symphonies that would conjure up Jane Austen novel's or the smell of russia hair while listening to it, even after reading the historical bankground in the liner notes (WHICH IS great! that's what i like abt classical discs!) it would not prepare me for what was going to happen.
So there i was, sitting up in my bed. I was sweating like a pig! Not because it was hot, but i could feel the flames of hell and what ever not at my feet! The melodies were incredibly affecting! The piece took no quarter when it came for drama! One melody started out as a kind of breather and slowly and slowly mutated into a horrible spiral into hell! Very dis orientating some parts reminded me of Alfred hitchcock's VErtigo! All in all, at the end of the piece, my singlet was covered in sweat and i had smoked my fifth cigarette since the start. IT Was an experience! The whole piece was devoid of images in my head, by the melacholia of the melodies and the DRAMA in the crashes was pure HORROR. It was a few nights later i would read a book on holocaust atrocities while listening to Converge's Jane doe that i had the same experience, but this time because of the immense guilt that was choking me from being human.
So what's this. My dear friends. This quest is not for the bestest music! Or the newest trendiest ZzzzZZZZzoundzZZz... It was at that moment when i realised after going thru Mahler, Dvorak, Bartok and more.. that i realised the purity of music. Not to entertain. Not to HAVE FUN FUN! But a spiritual one. I can say that i felt that i would not be alive at the end of statvinsky's rites of spring that night (guy piccoto's pre-fugazi band was named rites of spring too.). Just look up a review for a classical piece or any pop piece ( a proper review that is, not some money backed sell the album review!) You'd be surprise at how they are similiar!
Shai hulud's hearts once nourished with hope and compassion pull this one of out that whole metalcore nonsense context. Just based on the merits of its music and not its surroundings. Fuck the lyrics and the repetitive drums (though they ARENT!) and listen to it. Shai hulud's album is certainly one of the most beautiful and passionate albums that i have ever heard. The same way when i first heard mineral until later on when... it just didnt last, the amount of emotional honesty was just not lasting and was just useless emotional escapism.. mope music... Poison the well's opposite of december would be my pick for one of the best metalcore releases but shai hulud... wow. So okay, some pple hate it, the vocals. The screaming. The Dynamics are distracting like that of a 6 year old kid, un focused and Damn noisy lah.. hahah. Well, about metal this album has been as raw as Metallica's Kill em all, which still hasnt been topped by any metal band!
ok why the hell would i pick shai hulud. Let's just say that the whole sameness about the music sounds totally like any band. We could spend the whole fucking night just discussing the differences but let's face it. It's just that feeling. That my dear friend is the purity in music. The force that Musicians like robbie robertson and micheal jackson that can bring the world together on equal grounds. I believe that a person who listens to josh groban or charlotte church can listen to Shai hulud or Refused because i can.. im not saying that im like uber GOd of music.. but i mean if i can enjoy it purely on its instinctive power and emotional weight i don't see why others can!Discard that consumerist mindset of u are what u listen to and maybe u can, although i do get into major bouts of self conflict everytime i pick up something that's out of my normal listening taste.. i've never turned back ever since i picked up That Melt banana or kid 606 or Michelle branch or Rachimanioff album..
I'll write more about this some other time but i challenge you to dig music that's out of your field, because its the closest maybe u could get to something with emotional purity (although i'd like to define purity but AKU TIRED!) other than falling in love with someone, which would be too costly hahaha.. till then GOOD farking night.. dammit..
Wednesday, June 9, 2004 02:44 a.m.
the only best friend i have are dead people. (trust me think hard about it.) cutting edge souns in e head: The Notwist's neon golden, Converge's petitioning the empty sky AND when forever comes crashing, Napalm death's Scum, Alexisonfire's s/t, Bach's orchestral suites, Rachel's systems/layers, Neurosis' Times of grace AND Enemy of the sun and the ALBUM of the Month.. Pelican's Australasia.. FUCKING essential ALBUM... Neurosis meets mogwai, Isis meets late Explosions in the sky.. CALL it anything u want it rocks. BIGTIME!
Buendia's Cross:Oh well its been a friggin long time eh? Since i've wrote anything on this blog. IT's more like i've got nothing to write. That's it. I've just nothing to say really? Lots have happened since i last wrote an entry, more so since i started my first way back 2 years ago on a cold october night. More so in the last week or so really.. i actually have a picture gallery @Http://bonsaipics.mypicgallery.com SO what the fuck happened?
Arcadio's madness:let's start with how im feeling now righty oh?
i feel terrible empty. It's like a total weight's gotten off my chest really? It's like giving up your dead to the vultures like in tibet!At least u know you're feeding something with your corpse and here it goes. Looking at what i've done and achieved the last few years, in this new perspective has left me quite confused (had to use the word). Confused in the sense that many things has left their original meanings, syntax and context all rearranged in a matter of nanoseconds. God's come and gone, after he did some mighty playmaking that would make ALex Ferguson blush!
the other day i told mel everything. EVERYTHING. All this three years, using my blog as a means of carthasis or rather... to whine about being so still in love and all. It sounds lame yes, but i guess it was worthwhile afterall, It's interesting to know that one cannot find true love and understand it, just like the strange mystery surrounding the world that we are so ignorant of, is what make love all the more magical. Thanks to the capitalist scums that we embrace, our relationships, what we love, who we love so painfully, are reduced to a viable segmented market in our population of plastic romantics. Excuse me hahahaha. Just look at the songs we hear.
and that night i spoke to her face to face.Just like the time we did after we broke up at A&W @holland V, face to face and me with my sticky honesty. My honesty was all i had and that was what i wanted. I wanted to end it all, tell her about how i felt and that i loved her and all. The events preceding my meeting with her, were pointing towards the supernatural i admit, so much so i won't tell cause i'll look like an idiot. HA. Ask me personally and maybe i'll tell though.
Grewing up: I looked thru picture of her and i thought how much she'd grown up, alot really, she looks different. Today was the first time in quite some time i took pictures of myself. I look older too. How long will i look older i'll never know really. Now im clearing leave already so it's ORD, and school.. I want to start new really. I want to start my life over again, even if it means that i have to be a asshole (well at least if some people know im not!) even if it means telling her everything with the intention of forgetting about her. Telling her everything was my way of trying to stop being that person, to really settle thing emotionally. What pain is there like a secret really? or worse still doing nothing about that secret!
that's it. I'll never know if i'll be better from today onwards but hell yea... i want to try. SO much really. Deep within mirrors i see myself a deep lust for life, that refuses to come out, i want that part to come out.
I want to go out. Meet people. Meet new friends. Meets new lovers. Love more people. Love my old friends. Visit new places. Even music's not in my itinery because somehow it'll always be there, but not the focus really. I want to make money because it gives me a sense of self worth. Eat at more places that have GREAT food. I want to own a car. A teacher car!hahhaa. (is this beginning to sound like trainspotting?HA) i want to go swimming. I want to play for church and help the community even though i hate it because it helps me seperate the surroundings from the action. I want to live for who i love so dearly (though that may change anytime soon? hhahah ok ok i still think im a KA saH no VAh!)I want to keep my hair like obi wan kenobi. I want to play JEdi academy. I want to see king crimson live. I know i can affect and change peoples lives even though i may not see it. I want to love the person that i most want to be affectionate with differently. With optimistic honesty. I want to.... so many things...
intially when after i spoke to her. I felt like i could die. Serious. because i felt so much relieved. Especially the only conclusion was that i would not talk to her anymore. We would leave things up to time... and that's where god is.
ok that was too much.. some other time now that everyday's saturday. heh.
Thursday, June 3, 2004 05:23 a.m.
I AM DRUNK AGAIN. souns in the head: Neurosis' Times of grace, David bowie's heroes, Massive attack's bluelines, Future sound of london's cascade, Kid 606's ps i love you, The Notiwst's neon golden.
IA mfdjljhjlfajlf: well of well, i am again off on alcohol..so nice, makes me feel like sleeping... Like in my previous entry it makes me feel like there's someone else in my head so i can forget about the person i am when im sober. Hee hee.
well maybe its because i have too much leftover hormones. It's funny when people say things like that, its making things scientific.. love can be explained in science., ICa n't write much when im pissed.. hahahhaAHHahAHAHHAHAHAahAHHAAAAAhaHAHhaHAHAHAhaHAHAHAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAahahHAHAhAHAhaAHhAHAHAHAhhAHAHahAHahAHAHahAhAHahHAhAHAHaH AHAhAHahHAhaAA i feel like i've taken or started something that im afraid i can't stop at all. Im so fucked up really screwed up. Dear reader would u even invest your heart in me? please do..i beg u... i really need you inspite of this.
"If you keep exchanging glances with me
how will your scent leave me?
If our meeting cannot be permanent
How will i learn to believe in God
From being a non-believer?"
nurfrat fateh ali-khan's Tum Agar Yuhi Nazren
Sunday, May 23, 2004 08:44 p.m.
why can't we all be sober all the time? souns in the head:Emery's the weak's end, Rufio's 1985, Future Sound of london's cascade, kenji kawaii's Ghost in the shell OST and Phillip Glass/david bowie/brian eno's Heroes and low symphonies.
sweetness follows:and so today, i am sober. After enriching my body with beautiful flights of drunkedness four nights in a row, with last night being the climax, the conclusion of the numbing torment. Sleeping to Rachimanioff's piano preludes and dreaming about the ghosts that the hernadez brothers dream of in Palomar (collected on fantagraphics, hardcover).
The other night at holland village, we ate the most delicious noodles i've ever have! XO chu bee hoon with fish in them has to be the tastiest stuff ever to be on sale at zhi cha shops in the basements of HDB blocks! It was funny how after we ate our SUPER big bowl of noodles and slurped up every drop of the soup, that we found ourselves feeling heady from the XO in the soup. My friends and i were trying to figure out what it felt like, of course to say that WE FELT DRUNK was a over-statement cause we knew U can't get drunk on soup... so's i said that it felt like there's someone else in your head. An extremely interesting comment that wrecks my head especially last night.
Ghosts: Last night after drinking my usual tally of stout really fast! I couldnt help but found myself saying stuff that i know i shouldn't say to a dear friend. She's a girl btw and it was about.. well that i really cared for her and all that bullshit. I feel totally ashamed at how i tried to articulate my sincerity, at how i tried to mouth out niceties on the brink of bursting into sonnets, all in all, in an effortlessly made afterthought, It felt like i was trying to start a one man circus show. I regret always saying im sorry here and there, apologising at great heights, looking for some face to take the blame for all this horse shit.
it's funny that all these things seems much more alive in that part at the back of the head. All the ghosts that u know are there, but when u turn your head, or try to find it's gone. It's better sometimes to hide in fear, to just know it's there, not facing it.
chom sky:I've just started reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez's one hundred years of solitude, and it is a charm. Reading stuff like that makes u believe that things are really in motion. Just like how they say the flaps from a butterfly's wings can start a tornado somewhere.
Sometimes i really think that when i write in this blog that im manifesting the whole core of my drunkedness. The whole base of what i really need and want jumps out in some passionate dance, just like the female dancer in stratvinsky's rites of spring, feverishly twisting and turning, mouths a gaping, eyes darting and fingers contorted slowly to a lull, until demons start poking at her legs and then she must dance dance... only to die at a thud of the bass drums...
It's true that there are no pasts, because if we do remember it it isnt. Beijing's where mel is now, she's working there i don't know for whom though. For the past few weeks we havent spoken. To tell u frankly, the way i write of her here, is extremely different from how i think of her when i see her. The self defense mechanism that i've built up has made me profusely cynical and at the very least, aware that she doesnt want me anymore to love her. I prefer to live in that illusion everywhere and anywhere now.
last night, i revealed to myself what conflicts there are in matters of the heart (fart), i have grown yea, but when it comes to believing in love and all its mysteries, that i feel like i've grown extremely short of. When i look at mel, now, from where i am, not when i see her outside where i'll keep giving her the evil eye, and when i spoke to miller last night, that love's something that's best kept a mystery, the best part's though that we particpate daily in this mystery that's why we'll never know where it'll go.
fortimisso: now i believe that the hardest thing to do in the world, is to say "i love you" to someone whom u really love, and if you do, you've just done the greatest thing the the world... leaving u a bored sorry worthless bum for the rest of your life because there's nothing else worth doing anymore other than good sex. ok so im still a cynic somewhere... ha ha..
Wednesday, May 19, 2004 08:52 p.m.
Motorway to Roswell (DIE mutafucka) souns in the head: The pixies' live'04 and trompe le mode, Stratvinsky's Rites of spring/firebird, Rachimanioff's piano preludes, jimmie eat world's Bleed america, Beastie boy's CLASSIC paul's boutique, Air's talkie walkie and U2's ultra classic Unforgettable Fire.
music: let's talk about what ah like dah most... Music ok? OK this month i've got 3 classic albums that i managed to get back, pixies' trompe le monde, beastie boy's paul's boutique and u2's unforgettable fire.
I remember i first took out Beastie Boy's paul's boutique from my dad's stash of cassette tapes, from the blow monkeys, information society, a-ha, til' tuesday (aimee mann's original band), The Cult, arrested develoment, Chris issak, L.A. guns, The Bangles, Some kind of wonderful soundtrack and many more, this cassette tape was on that affected me deep but left me too soon because the tape snapped and couldnt listen to it anymore. I don't remember the names of the tracks accept for the great beats and raps and the whole RAW energy of three restless kids who wanted to Shit on anything and everything POP culture had to offer them. This album defined hip hop for me since, meant to be HARD agressive (DMX's quite hard though) and Funny. With the exception of the latest The Streets album, this is the only other rap watchamacallit stuff that really matters hands down.
About the pixies. Face it. The pixies are one of my favourite bands in the whole universe. With a totally unique PLan 9 from outer space sound courtesy of Gil norton's echoey production, Black francis' lyrics that sound like a kid day dreaming about life, joey santiago's More indie than indie guitar licks and kim deal's ethreal Voice. It's also funny how Billy corgan sounds like black francis too, i wonder if im the only one who notices that. All the way from the early drum strains of surfer rosa's opening track "bone machine" to the airy fairy cover of neil young's "winterlong" and also THE Quintessenteal Jesus and mary chain song "head on" which tops, the pixies areGODS!! Especially with the fact that they've reunited for a tour, released a greatest hits comp, a live DVD, it's funny how i've gotten some sense of faith that the SMashing Pumpkins will reunite one day!
