i am really going crazy.
i spent the whole afternoon recording a track that sounds like a 60's girl group single. This must be because of my sudden obssession with the ronettes, the crystals and Lymon and the teenagers. I am going crazy.
i wrote a whole new fresh set of lyrics to go along with it. Ive been listening to nothing but the ronettes, Jesus and mary chain's pyschocandy and marakeesh turkish music. I am going mad.
the other day i read this article about men who have no wife, because they are plain fucked up.
i am stress. I cannot take stress. Now i see it.
The best about breaking up is when you're making up.
aaaahhhhhh..... The ronettes.
Monday, November 22, 2004 09:27 p.m.
What a way.
The sound dreaming my dreams by the cranberries are resonating heavily in my body. Like crazy.
i used to sing that she's made out of wood,but looks like im the one who's made out fo wood.
Epilogue: Today the whole entire day, I listened to nothing but the above song on repeat. The whole time. When i went to school when i came back, and right now on repeat again on my windows media while writing this. Its just something in the song, a great soundtrack to something.
ladies and gentlemen, I think im depressed again. Either that or im very very weary and tired.
#1: i just came back from practice from church, and i feel very very drained. Not because i did anything strenous or anything I felt bored at the practice for the youth mass, which i doubt i can play with my fullest ability. i didnt feel anything. I just feel so strained. And tired. I dont feel inpsired or anything. I was so pissed in a restrained manner. I felt so shit. I played my guitar and managed to work out the best electric - acoustic - keyboards arrangement sound for the confirmation camp. After that i really felt like shit. There was no connection with the music, they were just words with letters on top of them that i was following. The rest of them didnt inspire me at all. What difference was it going to make? I played my prized talman, did my reverby shit. I felt so empty and tired. I hate myself.
issue #2: I hate myself were the words that kept repeating in my head today. Today in class i have never felt so empty before, i looked around and i couldnt find anything to keep me going. It feels better when u disregard yourself in the classroom, i kept telling my friends unconsciously that im a simple man, and i like westlife's new album. I drank coffee. smoked. I refused to acknowledge myself on any terms, so that i do not acknowledge this increasing dissatifaction with myself. This increasing dissatisfation reached a point when after class, i just let my defenses down. I was supposed to go to swee lee and get my GEB-7 guitar pedal, but all of a sudden this weight just took off in me.
everybody was all inspired and off to do the project to discuss the matter at hand, together. Here i was all alone. I dunno, it wasnt physically alone. I really want to die. Then Van went off, and i got off, staying behind to avoid anything. this is what happens when u put up a front that u use to ... i dunno what for. I failed to acknowledge my own true self in the presence of my friends and loved ones. In return i get another world.
#3: next week i have to play for SE. Somehow i feel like i have to tell them i cant. I need time even musically. I cant. im serious. I need a holiday.
i really hate myself. I just cant do anything. When i think back about JI i remember how i pulled off my character as a student so well, so smoothly. until things started to fuck up in year 3. I realised that i lost alot of things. Sometimes i daydream and i think that this course im taking isnt going to take me anywhere. I dont have anything to my name, save for some stupid bands and stupid homemade recordings. I failed my life so much.
its senseless. IM sick of things. IM so sick. The reason why things like that happen is when u find something that can help u, and in between that void between being better and staying happy in your shit, u have to choose. I am a ghost, a classic damn living ghost.
the other day this person asked me where i was working at, i said i was working at the WMUshop and was paid not very much a month, and she said what? and said that she earns more than me in a day. I took it very personally, and she kept asking me for donations and told me to take care. It felt like fuck. Pple disregard my own personal reasons for doing so. I am going to give up. So soon. I feel like vomting and coughin and coughin and sneezing and dying. and dying and dying. I have no pride. I am an empty vessel. the worst part there's no one that can make me feel alright now. no one for sure. and i dont want anyone to, because im afraid its going to cost me something.
Epilogue: Today the whole entire day, I listened to nothing but the above song on repeat. The whole time. When i went to school when i came back, and right now on repeat again on my windows media while writing this. Its just something in the song, a great soundtrack to something.
ladies and gentlemen, I think im depressed again. Either that or im very very weary and tired.
#1: i just came back from practice from church, and i feel very very drained. Not because i did anything strenous or anything I felt bored at the practice for the youth mass, which i doubt i can play with my fullest ability. i didnt feel anything. I just feel so strained. And tired. I dont feel inpsired or anything. I was so pissed in a restrained manner. I felt so shit. I played my guitar and managed to work out the best electric - acoustic - keyboards arrangement sound for the confirmation camp. After that i really felt like shit. There was no connection with the music, they were just words with letters on top of them that i was following. The rest of them didnt inspire me at all. What difference was it going to make? I played my prized talman, did my reverby shit. I felt so empty and tired. I hate myself.
issue #2: I hate myself were the words that kept repeating in my head today. Today in class i have never felt so empty before, i looked around and i couldnt find anything to keep me going. It feels better when u disregard yourself in the classroom, i kept telling my friends unconsciously that im a simple man, and i like westlife's new album. I drank coffee. smoked. I refused to acknowledge myself on any terms, so that i do not acknowledge this increasing dissatifaction with myself. This increasing dissatisfation reached a point when after class, i just let my defenses down. I was supposed to go to swee lee and get my GEB-7 guitar pedal, but all of a sudden this weight just took off in me.
everybody was all inspired and off to do the project to discuss the matter at hand, together. Here i was all alone. I dunno, it wasnt physically alone. I really want to die. Then Van went off, and i got off, staying behind to avoid anything. this is what happens when u put up a front that u use to ... i dunno what for. I failed to acknowledge my own true self in the presence of my friends and loved ones. In return i get another world.
#3: next week i have to play for SE. Somehow i feel like i have to tell them i cant. I need time even musically. I cant. im serious. I need a holiday.
i really hate myself. I just cant do anything. When i think back about JI i remember how i pulled off my character as a student so well, so smoothly. until things started to fuck up in year 3. I realised that i lost alot of things. Sometimes i daydream and i think that this course im taking isnt going to take me anywhere. I dont have anything to my name, save for some stupid bands and stupid homemade recordings. I failed my life so much.
its senseless. IM sick of things. IM so sick. The reason why things like that happen is when u find something that can help u, and in between that void between being better and staying happy in your shit, u have to choose. I am a ghost, a classic damn living ghost.
the other day this person asked me where i was working at, i said i was working at the WMUshop and was paid not very much a month, and she said what? and said that she earns more than me in a day. I took it very personally, and she kept asking me for donations and told me to take care. It felt like fuck. Pple disregard my own personal reasons for doing so. I am going to give up. So soon. I feel like vomting and coughin and coughin and sneezing and dying. and dying and dying. I have no pride. I am an empty vessel. the worst part there's no one that can make me feel alright now. no one for sure. and i dont want anyone to, because im afraid its going to cost me something.
i hate christmas.
Thursday, November 18, 2004 11:02 p.m.
.i am the modern.
I reek of cigarettes; rain from the roads soaked in my skin and the smell of ashes from burnt paper. i have walked 23 years worth of kilometres to be where i am now: in front of my computer; am i battling my weariness or am i fighting my life.
today was like any other day. A day of having a penis in my pants, of having two nipples and milkless breasts to feed my friends with. Today was unusual, especially with loud sub harmonic branches of washing machine trees stemmed from the floors of electricity, and clean prinstine polo ralph swimsuits. Today i saw a barcode on a girl's breasts just beneath her nipple. Now, i didnt actually see it u see, it was just there. Like how you would pick up a photo frame off a sales rack and unconciously look at the back to find the price tag there, i just know its there. The same way i might know that there's nothing there, the same reason why i dont want to turn it over.
Today i stared hard at a postcard, sent from zouk to promote reverend DJ's, a calling card to its awawkened movie scrubbing audience. All dripping in neon light and its angular heaviness, i watched the sunlight pour itself through the cardboard it was printed on. I sat there for a few minutes, slowly going through the letters. Slowly going through the letters. Slowly going through the words. Slowly going through my eyes. I found my fingers punctured by this calling card, and into a beer advertisement playing the ronnett's "be my baby" - and beats - and beats - and beats they rise like the escalator - forward and higher and taller. With no way down how do we come back down.
i put down the card. Down on the table.
Today i questioned the laws of physics by telling myself that i am an alien. That the way i cushioned myself in the seats on the bus, the way i plugged myself into the underpass of advertisements, of hundred and one lines of light glowing and flashing pass me 180 degrees. I took apart the chair with my eyes closed and half asleep as i returned from the shop. I imagined darkness. Deep pitch black always appears in my head when i take apart everything the same way i take apart myself, when i turn off the lights when i sleep. Pure darkness.
today i clenched my fist in my pocket, and in return i got a handful of pocket lint, an old bus ticket and some coins. After which, i put my open hands back to my bare face. It is so obnoxious.
as the day tightened around the clock, slowy going through the numbers, i saw shadows deepening. These shadows were closer to that darkness, that night, when one take everything apart. I assumed that the day is in the process of taking itself apart.
The other day i ran like a madman. I ran so hard it hurt. In the day, when things were together (but it was evening so it was falling apart already.-) , i learnt about old things, that were evidently falling apart. By the time we were done moving running through old things, taking it seperately in sparse fragments, it was already night. I took the bus home and imagined the bus falling apart, while speeding on the expressway.
I still imagine the barcode under her breast, in the same color tone as her dyed hair. Its hard to think she's female when she all dollar and cents. Sometimes when logic itself falls apart when i sleep, i dream of asking god for enought money to buy her. Im not talking about her emotions, hahahah. Its an indefinite her, or him! Sometimes i dream of nothing but this void.
The next day, i woke up. I was wearing my usual sleeping get up, and i heard the washing machine rumble, hungry like fauna eating up the sun's rays after a night of deprivation. I lay on my bed still and traced the veins through my eyes imposed on the peach ceilings. I see four corners on the ceilings that i didnt see the night before. I say four price tags on each of my closest friends. I saw their resilence condemmed with every bit of their innocent cognitive needs, without them knowing. I saw jesus on the cross. I saw bits and pieces of a whole day's worth of 35mm snapshots of the decisions i would have to make. I didnt see any shadows accept the ones, that i know i have around my eyes.
-jigsaw puzzle-jigsaw puzzle they all go on with their babble. I saw myself choking on my words and dying.
I got up and looked in the mirror and i thought i saw my pimples resembled a barcode, and my features a big fat sale price tag, how ugly can i get. My urine stank like plastic shrinkwrap and my shit protective foam slices for washing machines. I picked on my nose and it looked like dried industrial glue and my bak sai like polystrene flakes. And my eyes. were framed by shadows.
i checked in the morning.
and it was there in the night.
-jigsaw puzzle-jigsaw puzzle-
Sunday, November 14, 2004 04:03 a.m.
The road to pure hard frustration is an easy one. souns in the head: Shudder to think's pony tail express, Siouxie and Banshee's Juju, Bel canto's magic box, First love, last rites OST, Dead can dance OST and SCatter the ashes's devout...
Seriously: seriously i dont intend to write. Im literally forcing myself to write this entry, because its never going to get anywhere anyhow.
these few days have been wild. I just did my exam for my first module the week before and its wild, i was so damned nervouso and shaky, that i was scaring all those ard me. I had three hours to finish the paper but i left after 2 and half, i left the last question half done because i felt damn guilty that i was bluffin my way thru too much. Results will be out soon.
lots of funny shits been passing in and thru my head, somehow or rather yesterday i found myself in the most disgusting position. It made me so sick. I felt like puking i felt like diggin my fingers into my sex and tearing it out. I just realised how much an asshole ive been. I need you, you need me.. so what did we need in the first place?
Alot of things. I really so feel like withdrawing from all my commitments. Im on a break this week, so im planning to get down to writing some songs. i came up with one simple one. id have to admit that time and time again when something happens, i make a mental note to put it in my next entry. but somehow or rather, it just doesnt come out the right way? i was suppose to write about watching David bowie's reality 2004 tour DVD, about prince's purple rain special edition dvd, and Pretty in pink... But it somehow comes out all wrong.
ive spend the last few days hibernating. Big time. somehow. i hate it man i hate it. Many times today even after jamming with the sky boys, i kept imagining optimum opportunities to kill myself. Like inbetween crossing the road or buying food. Something mundane to shut myself off.
mel wants to pass me a dvd that's cool. I dont want to take it from her somehow. Its for my birthday. Somehow i dont want to be reminded of who knows me best, the last time she gave me a dvd i was so surprised and only a person who knows me can give me a present that i;d REALLY like. This time i dont want to? I mean id be great if she gives me a sucky one but.. hahahah. im tired. night. back to hibernation.
Monday, November 8, 2004 11:06 p.m.
its starting all over again... souns in the head: Caliban's shadow hearts, David bowie live reality tour 2004, interpol's antics, Scatter the ashes' devout, Strongarm's advent of a miracle and magnetaphone' something.. aiyoh..
ok here i am now at the WMushop after school, and im using marcus' mac so the keyboards take some time getting used to really, so far i think that the ibook's keyboards are pretty sweet and light and i dont think i'll be getting carpal tunnel syndrome anytime soon! hahah. anyways.,...
week 2: this has been week 1 plus day 2 of my course at MDIS doing mass comms, and so far its been.. worh... damn blardy dry. I remember how i used to bitch about not wanting to do business again, but come to think of it, i really wish they'd do more business/mass com overlapping. So far pple in the class are pretty cool, its amazing how from knowing one person ive managed to know others as well from out of the class, talk about connections... hahhhaa, like i really have them, its still all a mystery to me totally. Oh well, its been pretty sleepy the lessons and all, still managing to scrape thru with whatever conscious self, but the strangest thing has to be adjusting to the whole classroom environment again really. For example, like what it means to meet new pple, or rather to get to know pple that u dont normally would say hi too... which is pretty coolo indeed... or yea there's that mandatory crush on some girl... hahhaa.. yea ITS DISGUSTING... im beginning to think im lindSUAY lo HAN (STUDY RACHEL!!!!) ... down to the heels.. hur hur
sounds of the silence: this week, two great releases. Depeche mode's Remix collection (i emphasize on collection) and Placebo's once more with feeling, the latter containing a bonus disc of placebo's Roughest remix cuts. Both are going to be riding on the strength of their remixes although Placebo's is basically a greatest hits singles SHITE collection. i would have to say this trend of remix and collection kinda got kicked off by the DARN as hell successful manic street preacher's greatest hit/remix disc.
so is it worth it? Basically, ive got DM's Rose remixes collection Volumes 1-6, which has more or less EVERY damned remix that's been used from underground goth darkwave clubs to ibizian rhumba uptopias. Coincidentely, it includes a cover of DM's 'i feel you" by placebo. The big deal about this new collection which cost's $24.99 for the triple disc edition and $19.99 for the double disc edition, is the DAMN artwork. Reminiscence of the Joy division live matrix inspired covers , the artwork is gorgeous. Most of the remixes range from alan moulder's 80's work to air's remix of "home", songs from the disappointing Exciter are featured too. For all those nu metal Posse out there, and a clever marketing tool, is a "re-interpretation" (why not reMIX??~?~) by mike shinoda (LINKIN FUCKED) of "enjoy the silence", its on both editions. So far from what ive heard they range from as mentioned goth rhumbas and house pimp hangouts, which just goes to show how universally entertaining the shit that DM puts out.Overall, this remix album listens better than the under developed human league remix disc, and is still an essential part of remix history and not reinterpretive. A must by for synth pop anglophiles, homohouse whores, good charlotte goth posuers, bedroom line dancers, LINKIN PARK FANS, retards like me and not for MAMBO nite addicts because they'll most prob be of sync with the music actions, in addition for those who do not have the Rose remixes collection.. HAHAH~ note worthy tracks: In your room remix by portishead... Halo remixed by GOLDFRAPP... Barrel of a gun by tech house masters UNDERWORLD, and Enjoy the silence extended remix by Timo Maas.. what more can i say.. to make u buy it
Ok.. about the placebo remixes i havent gotten ard to buying it yet.. hahha so next time.. HAHAHHAHhahaha
Tuesday, October 26, 2004 03:58 p.m.
New beginning '04 sound in the head: Calla's televise, codeseven's dancing echoes/dead sounds, Coalesce discography, The cure's pornography live '82, pink floyd's saucerful of secrets and the brand new Dick lee Compilation.
GAsP!: ok i 15 mins away from meeting up with kel and justicia for dinner so i tot i write down an entry. Well, school's started just yesterday at MDIS.. and boy oh boy i feel so DAMN alien! I've made some friends already, a really great guy but i will tell u more abt them some other time. Im pretty on brain drain now, feeling tired, like how i used to in school, maybe its an indicator that something in my head's started working again. Mental Fatigue isnt one of my best friends.
anyway, being in the class made me realise how homosexual my listening tastes are, furthermore, my ideas and feelings towards art! im not saying that im homosexual but my ideas its just so, out there and something that u just cant go around telling pple abt because its so different from the norm. It all started in JI that's when i started feeling that my opinions were so gay, as id imagine a real GAY man to have. GOD...
Anyways. ITs great to get back into the swing of things. I so fidgety in my seat and all. Rocking back and forth biting on my collar and all. Basically, there are only 6 guys out of like 30? And the hot chick factor is so there!! arrggahr... and there is more to what i see i found out today abt these hot chicks! My eyes are getting abit the itchy ah... ok lah.. lectures are quite relevant to what i think of most of the time, and today i starting doing what i do ALOT since secondary school. I keep cracking all these stupid slapstick jokes and throwing them at the lecturer.. WHY! hahhahah, its just... me i guess? if not i fall asleep lorh... Wah.. really there's this really pretty girl.. bueh tahan.. tomolo i will introduce myself and tell her i am secretly BATMAN, night time i fight crime..
2046: *zzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzz............. (that's my review)
sky in euphoria: the other day friday i played a gig with sky in euphoria at the substation. It was so damn HOT THERE and we were at 4 and didnt soundcheck till 7!!! FUCK and i'll gig started at 9!!! ARGGHH.... anyway.. i really love playing with them. The positivity, the strong conceptual belief, the discipline not only in playing but being a group really awes me. Even if i dont play with them long.. (i hope they make me a permenant member..) These few days with them will forever set a benchmark for bands that i play in, in everything that a band's suppose to be. I love u guys thanks.
hearing hill: last night songming called me abt whether i was serious to continue playing bass for the band. For the past few days, alot of debate has been goin withint the grp thru email. I didnt reply them because i was playing skyineuphoria and i wanted to prepare myself for school. i feel somewhat bad, because i feel its partly because of my bass playing that caused this whole situation, whole re thinking of how the band sounded like. I mean... experimental or what its still music. I just told him on the phone that i want to continue playing because ive got something to contribute to the band, and that there is so much potential with what's in the band's head as oppose to what we do now, and that is the greatest thing.
ok im tired and shit, i'll write more.. i will put up a wishlist of things i want.
----I BOOK with oxygen keys plus Ableton live
----Small stone Electro harmonix
----Small clone Electro harmonix
----Low b-sides and dvd boxed set
----Line 6 DL-4 and MM-4
----Fender telecaster Custom
----Babylon 5 Season 1 to 3 DVD boxed set
----Twin Peaks season 1 Boxed set
----Naruto Boxed sets 1 to 4
----Ibanez Phaser
----DOD Classic Fuzz
----Jesus and mary chain live at the BBC
----Antarctica 83.3 or something
----Astrobrite's album
----Ikea CD tower
----Pretty in pink, Sixteen candles and breakfast club
----Electric dreams DVD
----Stikfast toys.
----Classic Atari games
----FABLE for Xbox
----Phantasy Star collection for Game Boy advance.
----Lomo Colorsplash
---- STATISTICS disc
----The cure / bauhaus Tee shirts.
----Cowboy shirt
----New pair of jeans
----Kappa Leather sling bag
----Black swatch watch
----New converses
----Oakley spectacles
---- the hopey story comp off fanatagraphics
----the collected Doom patrol
----I am tony leung
----Envy / iscariote
----Yage discography from Sonzai records.
----Nirvana's In utero
----Interpol's Antics
----New vinyl player
----A new life.
wait make that to have a life.. hahha
Anyways one of the girls in class got molly ringwald lips.. wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHH
Tuesday, October 19, 2004 06:13 p.m.
The maths in things souns in the head: New order's technique, The microphone's The glow pt.2, Sloan's The marquee and the moon, hopesfall's no wings to speak of, Shelter's Mantra and asobi seksu's walk on the moon
!!!!: let's face it, i'm a total sucker for teeny boppy movies. I just watched Mean girls, well the reason why i wanted to watch was because of Lindsay lohan. Well, this film just confirmed some things about her that she's not just another lame teenage drama queen or anything but she is really a beautiful person. Hahha..
well after watching it, i have to say that its one of the best movies ive ever watched. Movies like that for me are akin to looking at your crush like mad and not being able to do anything. Mean girls is a well written little movie about THINGS.. stuff, and for me ranks up with The breakfast club and empire records for its content. It does a good real spin of the clueless thing alot better. Above all, it got me thinking alot. ALOT.. about things. I havent felt this way about things in a long time.
indie coolness: yesterday i realised after i came home, from practice with Symon and all, that we're all pretty lost in some way. I bought myself a copy of the microphones andi loved it more than Mt.eerie, the songs were... totally gorgeously pop sweetness. Was it in the fact that it was recorded in that indie lo fi cool? Well, it was in the song writing. I realised that for more than a year i havent actually "written" a song. I used to write songs on acoustic guitar based on lyrics that i wrote, and to noone's surprise it was about mel.
At least today, i realised that i wasnt writing about mel. I was writing of things at that time, at being this incredible flow of change. At the moment i was brooding like mad about my creative juices being at an all time low, i guess, its because at many points in your life everything becomes stagnant and u lose touch of all the dynamic things happening around, waiting for u to draw inspiration from.
mean girls reminded me about what i was in love with all this time. About having a million and one problems and knowing the answer but being stupid and all... never did get around to solving it. The reason? it was because we were all too caught up in the currents of getting our way around in this new conciousness.
the other day i went to Mustafa centre with marcus and liana. I was surprised that i could remember some face care stuff that mel used, some random bits here and there in that darn supermarket that i pick that reminded me of mel. I never thought that i could remember that. And so i got angry with myself. Later on, i got all nuts and in some anxiety stricken fit that mel's getting married. As per normal, i just managed to get around to getting it out of my system. Thank god for sky in euphoria and getting me in a band that deserves ALOT of attention esp the guitar bits...
yesterday at mass i saw mel. I just managed to get pass her un-noticed.I usually sit opposite her from pews, so that i could see her, and so that she could see me. The hardest part about this, is knowing that she isnt thinking about me at all in any way. I could force whatever psychic energies to make her think of me, but it wouldnt do anything at all. It is in that i realise why i dont trust god so much, i dont trust closing your eyes and saying all this words in your head means anything. And with all of that i felt incredibly disgusted with myself.
Part of the reason why mean girls reminded so much of things is because it reminded me of the great things that she did, as an individual that time. Being a listening ear and all, hanging out with her. And as an individual i still am inspired by her. I also found out that the reason why i have malfunctioned, failed so to speak as an individual is because i always thought of her as someone else, because i didnt listen to her, especially when she was growing up doing stuff. A person usually disappoints u when u regard a person very highly, and i did just that with mel.
upon realising that. After years and years of thinking of her like crazy. I realised how little i have done. and how much ive felt. There's no way to resolve it still, unless i learn how to have expectations from people. I admit it. I'm a bitch. hahaha. In that also accept the fact that people have expectations of me that's why i crack, so much, its a vicious cycle.
i had one dream recently that mel asked me out, and she well, did what i wanted her to do and say. Strangely, in the end, it didnt work out. I felt empty. this scenerio played out something that affected me, and i was totally doing nothing. The fact is, if i really felt so much for some one, i have to make sure im sure that im an individual, not some pie faced, curator of past romances, some credit card plastic boy or some "good old fashioned lover boy", but myself. Other than that i still dunno why i find her still so damn attractive and all. I guess things are the same as they are when i was a teenager. The answers are always there but we dont listen to them because of the speed of love and life. whatever that is.
Monday, October 11, 2004 06:06 p.m.
one way down and im buying it big time sounds in the head: Yage's discography, october skyline, training for utopia's plastic soul impalement, Paik's satin black and velvet underground's loaded.
this entry is laced with upmost dissatisfaction with every neutron in my body, down to the molecules. I feel like crying because i need release. I need release. i need release.
i just had a gig with hearing hill, and strangely u felt very alien after that. Is it cat hope's sub harmonic workout? is it the songs that we played? is it the fact that i found out how mel are treating my friends? Is it the fact that im in love with someone who misses me but yet im crippled and dont know how to love?
its one of those days that a million and one questions just pop into your head, and you start decontructing every single breath that u breathe. THE I BREATHE. one moment your an innocent music lover the next minute a damn anal-retentive art critic. I cant find the beauty anymore. I just cant find the inspiration to carry on. There's no more passion. Im dried out. Worse.. im down. No love. All is lost. who do u love?
i feel like a piece of tracing paper, whatever u see is what context u place me on. Ambiguity is a excuse for being lazy. GOD. i feel a thousand oceans in me rise and rise and rise. and rise. Rise and Rise. i am drowing in that ocean. i need something. I just need it. I need it so badly. BADLY.
does it sound like im a druggie. Im dissastified. I dont like it. I really dont. I really dont. I REALLY DONt LIKE IT. i want something.
in midst of some post nu-clear voiddeck, i leave my synapses lying around. Fuck your indie pretensions. I am the ultimate indie poseur. I do my art with the upmost credit card commercial fan fare. I must bleed myself dry. Am i a coward? AM I A COWARD.
i feel extremely alone. I FEEL SO ALONE. I am empty like the corridors that turn into mountains of disappointment. the only saving grace is the shop. the shop. god help me i am in hell again. or did i choose to.
hoods lie.
night time sky betrays your discomfort
in living this life that i do not own
bite on your lips
turn against your own princples.
tear out the silk cloth that u wear.
burn myself
so that i turn to ashes
in little pieces
to redirect my unrest.
my heart is a dustbin.
Sunday, October 3, 2004 02:13 a.m.
i cant carry on leaving roses by your grave. souns in the head: Envy's dead sinkin story, Neurosis' Souls at zero, Smashing pumpkins live, T Rex's the slider, Mansun's kleptomania, Converge's You fail me and william orbit classical pieces.
Pure coincidence: An amazing thing happened yesterday. guess who dropped by the shop. Leslie and vivan from The observatory! It was really great, they came by to buy a pedal bag from ed and it was... amazing truly to see them in person. They were just great as people, the kind that are willing to tell u stuff? u know what i mean. I really loved talking to them well.. vivian actually, leslie was pretty quiet and all, but it was great. They had this really great aura around them that was truly overwhelming. When they entered the shop i quickly reached for a copy of time of rebirth and asked them to sign it. For the first time in a long while, my hands were actually shaking and i was flushed! haha, i mean its so rock groupie to do that!I was reduced to that basically, a darn rock groupie whore. I kept asking myself why did i ask them to sign the album, its because that's the only thing u could ask from them, other than... 1) can i hang out with you? 2)can u always say hi to me? and im your no.1 fan??? The best part's that they're really ultra down to earth, and you get this we're on this mission kind of vibe. What kind of mission? To live life and get others to feel the same way.
this experience ranks up with my experience at the smashing pumpkins concert and seeing denise keller on the streets. In other words.. i lao sai in my pants.
Testing for memory: These days. Ive been having dreams of mel again.
i havent written about her a long time. I intend to keep it that way.
i just heard mayonnaise by the pumpkins again, and i choked on something half way in between the lyrics. I felt like i was 14 again. 14? what the hell? 14. The inspiration. The feeling that i had someone who would listen to me at an arm's length. The feeling that u could close your eyes and really dream. Curl your toes under the blankets, feeling the fabric. The chance to dream beyond your abilities and responsibilites. Feelin a hand pass over your face, and the lights that race in your brains.
for some strange moment. I always remember the time when i just sat at Thomson CC, it was raining like mad and i was in school and i had a incredible crush on Gillian, and mayonaise was in repeat. I'll always remember that whole scene, because now i see it as something universal, the tiredsome feeling of longing. Its like been at the crossroads, between doing something about it and ignoring it. Mayonaise encapsulates that crossroads, that on moment.
apparently, i realised that ive always been at that point. The in between.
today i was in between my feelings for the shop, the sheer disappointment killed me. Sometimes u really wonder if its really worth it. If u say i will follow.
mel: In my dreams it always involves me walking into a theatre or some art gallery or party, and i dont see her. Its always at the corner of my eye, but i know its there. Moving back and forth. once i dreamt that she wanted to meet me, and i asked her what for, and she said she wanted to. In the end, after all my reluctance i met her, and i i realised that it was that simple that she wanted to meet me.
in my mind. just right behind my eyes. I miss her like crazy. I dont know what i miss really. Is it her? or the longing that i miss. That point in emotion that makes u feel that this life is real, and worth living for. The problem about me is that, my motivations are all wrong. Are your motivations right?
my dreams are always about running away from her. I am fighting against not running away. \. My efforts are null. I didnt wish her happy birthday, because i didnt want any part of this. Is it the guilt? I try not to believe that this is God's doing, not only this but anything, because to tell u the truth, from the way i see it. I have to keep trying to get to her. I just cant get away from it. Its that thing when i feel its your only goal that matters in life, but i cant be anything to her. even a friend.
useless: seriously speaking at this point, I feel like stopping all activities that i have with people, playing in bands and all. I need a holiday. Im getting cranky. im getting tired. im starting to desire. I hate that. Its too unpredicatble.
god, mel why do we have to be like this.
why?
why do i have to be like this?
the only romantic line i can come up with is
"i love u so much that i would quit smoking for you"
how lame can that get.
its just the whole picture of myself
Can i please stop loving you like that, so that I can fall in love with anything everything again?
m.i plan to stop working at the shop due to personal reasons
Friday, October 1, 2004 03:31 a.m.
?what the f**k? happened to me?
Today. I just stumbled across a new band. As expected, a few bands have sprung sporting a sound, very similiar to The obsevatory. Very interesting indeed because i kinda expected it anyway. Well in my opinion, some pple felt that the observatory had this squeaky clean, bossa-nova yuppie friendly sound, which is pretty misleading. I remember being at HMV and this guy i remember as this hot shot ACJC debater turned hot stuff upmarket straight asked for the observatory album when it was behind him. I was like god.... And i went to the listening station listening to the album when his friend was waiting beside me, wanting to listen to. I mean he couldve just walked off and come back and it irritated the SHIT out of me, so i told him "nah, u listen lah." GOD man.
One thing about the observatory that i so love is how disarming the music is, styles are one thing, but as a vehicle for some great manifesto that leslie low has, it works deceptively. Complete with boy girl vocals and all, the best interplay had to be on "observations on the human condition", the lyrics still are fresh in my head after hearing it once only at Baybeats. Its interesting how all these world music-type beats are becoming coffee table music all of a sudden, bossa nova and all. I remember how i once remarked how an album was characterized as either a sex album, walking album, sleeping album or working album.
WHAT???: Ok now ive been planning to sit down and write something about albums now that have inspired me, whether in guitar playing or whatever bullshit art fart way, but i'll narrow it down to ten.
1) My bloody valetine---loveless
i bought this album years ago in secondary school at hmv. Can u imgaine. I bought it on a sunday i remember after going out with my parents after mass. I was lying on my bed staring at the cover, and it was... Gorgeous. Totally life changing, it defined for me how much freedom u can get from playing shit. After re-buying 2 copies later on after overplaying it like mad, lost in translation pushes album sales of this classic up. Still a winner.
2) The jayhawks---Tomorrow the green grass
I bought this from music junction at junction 8 many years ago and it was a total gamble. I heard humpback oak and was Hungry for more Juicy acoustic based roots rock, and i wasnt too hot with wilco and Gramparson. Then came this album which is a total Beauty from start to end. Gary louris's harmonies are the most ugly beautiful sounds u have ever heard. This album defined emotion and the wide palatte of alt-country. I love this album
3) The smashing pumpkins---pisces iscariot
This was one the first albums that i actually starved myself to buy, i bought it from chua choo huat the old one at thomson plaza. When i first put the cd on, i was blown away. So far this is the pumpkins album that i listen to most, although its a compilation of b-sides, it still holds as a cut and paste collage taking from the full musical spectrum the pumpkins could produce. "blew away" was the song i sang to my first love over the phone because i was too shy to tell her i liked her. DAMN CHEESY, but the amount of honesty in "soothe", "obscured" and "landslide" still inspires me to this day the power of music. No album till now have i heard that captures the physical impact of this album.. could be the lowering hormone levels.
4) Drive like Jehu----Yank crime
this album is fucking essential. Pure guitar driven post-whatever core. SERious daring engergetic rock that bands like At the drive in would assimilate for other bands to follow. The fledging moment in this album's Sinew which comes in two versions. Very very inspiring
5) David Bowie---Heathen
After rock star(t)s start name checking the man to get some rock cred, david bowie carries his cross as the man who sold the world, and then comes up with heathen. Absolutely well written songs, accompanied by David torn's out of this world guitars, a cover of the pixie's "cactus" and enough trademark Bowie charm to sink the mtv industry. It a wonder why this one isnt a best seller. My fave after scary monsters.
6) The pixies---bossanova
After i heard this album. i lost faith in rock music. This music has the best guitar sound. Rocking song writing and lyrics. Total obsessive immersion potential. I heard this album over and over the whole day once, trying to imagine what diggin for fire would be like.
7) The jesus and mary chain---Honey's Dead
This is my fave JAMC album, why? BEcause it has reverence. The only true punk song achieved with outstanding lyical minimalism! The best part.. it Happens twice on the album!!! William and Jim ried's songwriting comes full circle on this album, melding the noise and melodicsm of psychocandy and automatic. Ben lurie also plays on this album, and makes a big difference. "almost gold" still has this religious nirvana effect on me to the god of rawk and roll... SplenDID!!
8) REturn to fall---a sense of the bitter, a taste of the sweet
I brought this album to Sydney when i went there for hols after i broke up with my ex. i walked ard the Sydney opera house in time to "she's dead" all the time. This has to be the best album that realised the collective potential of their members. I totally adore guitarist amran's licks, he's one of those rare guitarist who can express so much with all these stupid notes. He still remains an inspiration to my guitar playing. This album is classic. CLASSIC
9) Sonic Youth---Daydream nation/bad moon rising
These two albums are my favourite SY ones. I chose these two because this is when their noisy guitar rampage became less gimmicky, and starting saying things out of this world. From the uber teenage angst song "teenage riot" to "silver rocket" to the Overburn TRilogy. I loved listening to Daydream nation in the dark before i sleep, and imagine all these wierd scenerios.The same with bad moon rising... which i used to freak myself out. I remember listening in camp while i was having a fever, and i couldnt sleep so i put this on and LO AND BEHOLD.. instead of getting all freaked out by all the wierd feedback sounds! "death valley 69" ,"flower" and "halloween" made me feel like i was listening to the carpenters! I felt incredibly as peace.. the next morning i woke up and knew that i was a screwed up person.
i've only got space for one more so here it goes.. i'll stick the ones i really like damn...
10) Bob Dylan---Blood on the tracks
I was listening heavily to this album when i was going thru shit with mel. When i read more about this album it proved a point. The History of the song is just as important as how u hear it. This album made me study lyrics, dynamics and words. From the opening kick start of "tangled up in blue" , To the super spiteful FUCK you song that i wished u sung to mel "idiot wind" , to the naked plea for help "shelter from the rain". NO dashboard confessional or blah blah deathcab bright eyes blah blah farrar shithead can reach this level of PURe pain... the closet ive heard so far is johnny cash's cover of Nine inch nail's "hurt" and Jeff buckley's "hallelujah/i know its over" and nick drake's "pink moon".If u need to buy one bob dylan album, buy this one. Along with Time out of mind too. this is pure classic.
Sorry ive run out of space.. i will add more.. These are those that manage to come out of my head. Arrgghh im tired.. night..
so im back. After a long hiatus. More rambling from shaun eh? Well, somethings have happened after that super uninspiring attempt at beenn inspiring about the new mansun release. Which... was bad really. im not saying this entry's going to be inspiring or anything but.. i'll just do what i do best.. that is.. be boring. Afterall this may just be an excercise in my (idea to fingers to keyboard) typing speed!
OK here and there, i've met tons of new people so far working the shop. best of all, the best ive got out of working there is my new guitar. Ive got a new guitar which is totally my darling, and amazing for the price i got it for. My ibanez talman was bought off a chinese rocker who hated the sounded, and that sound i so fucking love. Seriously, this is the first time i ever bought something off someone that ive never met. PLus i even tried bargaining.. looks like the bargaining trip i had in thailand years back paid off.
Well its felt like i was buying porn from and illegal vendor, talking about porn.. people who call up the shop to book the studio.. SOUND like their asking for porn, and these are kids. I like the idea of being this secret powerful place where all these instruments of pure passsion just get in a car crash and go boom... with me alone overlooking (cept it gets boring sometimes and i end up writing Molly ringwald's name again and again on a piece of paper.)
THICK-SKINNED BASTARD: i've been pretty suprised all this time. 2 Months ago when i ORDied from army, i always thought that i'll give up playin in bands and concentrate on home recording. No one would want me really. Im so.. irresponsible and ... zero professional.. unlike other guys.. and... too WIERD for most bands. that's what i thought.. i mean i might be versatile, but that means that my grounding's pretty... messed up! hahah. Strangely things went the other way round. Let's see what bands ive played in so far... I played guitar for electronica/chillwatever group Accidental note 4 sonic fest..I played bass for This emo-core covers band the figther and figure at the great all over the fuck shop Tapestry gig(i hope i got it correct!!)..Bass for NoneSoFar... had a gig at nus yusoff ishak func rm.. which was pretty dodgy.. which led to a bass player gig for hearing hill (Worh. damn wierd still have to pinch myself!i must be dreaming) and now.. i got asked to try for jerome's band. Worh... ITs..just worh. I seriously tot that i'll be all.. Bandless haha. So i can study and all. I wonder what's next? really? And i got a winterhalter track on the Original music society compilation along with other big name bands! And i got the second last song slot! SHIT b4 vertical rush! thanks to Kai..
seriously. Alot of things are happening. Im startin to be careful about my guitar equipment, cleaning my guitars and shit. Above all, i realised something. I've always felt dissatisfied somewhat in bands that im in. Might be big might be small, but after so long, its strange but even in dreams. I think about that fateful day when SpeedCameraAhead jammed in the COOS jamming room: it was raining and we were just going thru a song. All of a sudden at one point, john's and marcus' guitars just hit this impossible sweet spot. Milton just zeros in on this groove and something beautifully strange comes from joe's mouth. Pull the zoom out. My bassline just sweeps the angeldust that the other dudes were making. I suddenly felt this amazing fullness, my eyes were focused somewhere between marcus' marshall amp and the window. I wasnt looking at anything. what i saw inside was this incredible fullness that ive never felt b4 and again. it was.. damn shiok. It felt very wierd. Its like u read this good book, but u cant remember a damn word in it, even the title and the author, but u can trace out the feeling and message with your fingers, and not with your mouth. I wanna get back to there somehow.
sandman blues:Im starting school in october. Pure bliss. Im totally excited. So excited that im SICK of telling pple when im starting, it kills it, because this time its me. ME. I chose it, and i dont fucking care.. i have to work for it, even though i dont know what's at the end of the tunnel. From what i see these past few days. I do believe in a God, seriously. Its too strange how everything seems too, fit. Not in a situation to situation way, but a situation idea thing, how certain situation affect my ideas, in turn helps in another situation. I've spent some time hitting my Media comm textbook that i bought off Bras Brasah, but.. Im learning still outside.
Bored or Whored?: The past few days. I realised one thing that i've been missing and i have decided to start building it up again. I've lost most of it. Maybe its because once ur out of army, the lack of physical effort equates lack of mental effort, eventually. I have to build my sense of conviction. Tighten it. Beefen up. Add struts to stabilize it. These days. i realised how yourself can add up so much to things, and im not afraid anymore of being marginalised. Rather im more afraid of losing my faith in what holds this world together, and that's not a community that does it all, but a stronger magnetism to just Kick out the jams.
but still..: i just recieved an email just now which totally agitated me. I was a bomb going off. Well. sometimes i know what to do. U can live up a billion scenerios in your head like steven spielberg, complete with a DIY soundtrack, with actors of your choice. Make a horror movie, a drama, an action flick or even a porn. find a way to calculate possible outcomes, costs and profits. Weaving, Stretching your way into all these possible futures when it all comes down to doing it. Alot of pple do it, but doesnt it come thru. I realised part of the other component that day at the SCA jam: It all boils down to passion.
passion gets abit over these days. PAssion gets laced with phermones and panties. All over the place. Messy and smelly. Underarm sweat. Shouting and crying. All basic approximations of this deep emotion fuel source. Passion. I guess i must get to the core of this. (ur not the only one with this problem alanu. :) ) The missing point is there's no revolution in it. There's no change in it. There's no... power to passion anymore. If i really believed in what i said here. I wouldnt have written this here. In this static text based format. I wouldve called you and told u, in person, live with organic PA system that i loved you. Look at yer pop punkers raping the radio. Teenage drama revolution. We can do it. Look at the current crop of emo-metal-indie bands. Emotional manipulation along with impeccable producy placements as accessories to buy when your feeling sad that defines you as a marketable individual which ends up like everyone else, that's so cave man. Look at the current new popularity in post rock thanks to lost in translation. The new chill out for older kids who missed out natalie merchant's 10,000 maniacs, replacements, early REM, Pearl jam etc etc..... filtered thru sleek credit card culture and new age/world music (kitaro and yanni) naturalism and you get... post-rock, btw it comes with a lifetime membership to Intellectual hyprocrisy. I am so bastard. Art farts get paper cuts when they get down and dirty with the mojo, observers dont. They keep it off squeaky clean, complete with neon crusted ear drums. Where is your revolution? With others? With yourself? with your masturbation? With your clothes? With your ideas? With love and compassion.
I know im sounding damn tinkerbell here.ha.U can pin a pink triangle on me, but doesnt that make me a revolutionary? even past revolutions are all dried out capitalist schemes. HA. and im an ashlee simpson fan.Im so wrong. yet right? This is worst than finding the female G-spot for an old 70 year old woman.
obviously im looking for something here. These are my 4am opinions with Bruce Springteen's voice in the back of my head (well actually infront, thanks to my speaker.). . If you think im an asshole because of what i said, then what are u looking for?
please reply johnny panic. (damn i cant believe i wrote that)
(please. please tell me what u want. Im not interested. but yet i still am. Congrats.merli.)
Thursday, September 16, 2004 03:26 a.m.
Last night i dreamt that i loved somebody souns in the head: A perfect circle's mer de noms, Fitzcarraldo, calla's televise, mansun's Six, the smith's louder than bombs and today is the day's willpower.
reading/watching materials: well i just bought the Dune mini series director's cut, extending it to a 4 and half hour tour de force including extra documentaries. Sadly, certain details are still missed out i noticed, after running thru david lynch's 1980's Dune. Most notably the sonic guns and shit. I still prefer Sean Young as Chani over the russian chick in the mini series. AND for some mini dune trivia... Did u know that the 7 year old girl that plays Alia Atredies in Lynch's Dune, is actually ALICIA WITT!! who will play zoe in CYBIL and become the hot ARAGHRGHRARHRAH lead in URban legends! She so has to be our generation's Molly ringwald~!! with the red head and all.
Ok.. books.. (u can tell i dont have anything much to write, since my life is reduced to words and music.) Im re-reading Dune. More dune. Dune.. Playing Jedi academy.
Revelations!: For all u music fans out there, who are ignorant to believe that our fave major label bands will always stay together and not break up, me including. Mansun's LAST album, kleptomaniac will be release next month. It will be made up of 3 discs, the first containing tracks from the recording sessions for the aborted 4th album. The second and third will have various b-sides and live track goodies for hardcore Mansun fans. The first single "slipping away" has already been played on the radios, and no news is out announcing the release of the single, so dont bother going to HMV or what to look for it, to redeem yourself... GAUDD WHY!!!!
Mansun and me: Im bored so here it goes. Mansun. Man called sun. They named themselves after a verve song, and to tell u the truth it wasnt after i heard mansun that i started digging verve, truly. I first heard them on some VOX cd sampler with the track "stripper vicar" and up till now it always occured to me that it sounded like a b-side from beatles' "revolver". Then came "taxloss", i watched the mtv later on after purchasing "attack of the grey lantern". Mansun's "attack of the grey lantern" up till now, still holds as the most "listenable" album that ive ever heard. Although the songs are different, tints of each song keep popping up. They really set themselves apart from the other britty pop bands of that time, with that distinct quirky englishness that evokes Morrissey's.
Then came SIX. GOD. I was going thru tought times then. IT was only after i saw mansun's "leagacy" vid that i realised where they were coming from! Duran duran, Magazine, The buzzcocks, Wire and all the other 80's new shit wave acts. IT was a bloody 80's wet dream. Like in the JEM cartoons and st'elmo fire's Rob lowe macho! they were rock stars! Drawing from very obivious sources, SIX is an extremely painful album, filtered thru 80's day glo syths and extremely deft guitar work, courtesy of dominic Chad, this album is a masterpiece in its own right. The singles were a breeze, with the super pessimistic "negative" cruising along with Taxloss' beatle-esque drive, and the aforementioned "Legacy", an 80's ode to failure and despair. I used to take this with me on long bus rides and made a point to listen to the album as a whole before any date with a girl, to CRUSH any expectations!! hahah.. Six was called a prog rock album, well it is by its standards and no other album has since reached this level of complexity, nostalgic lyrically and musically. Mansun was/is GREAT.(depends on how u see it)
And now here we come to Little Kix. I wasnt so much a b-sides person cause they were all so pricey, at that time when 6 was released, pacific plaza's tower records started to bring in shitloads of japanese singles and whoa.. then came HMV.. with more.. over PRICEY SINGLES. After a while.. came Little kix, their 3rd and most unsatisfying album, depending on how u see it, althought i feel that its worth the disc seeing anton corbjin pictures of them and the single "i can only disappoint you". TRUST ME. It opens with a slow volume build up to "butterfly" , a slow paen to a new beginning or start of somesorts, obviously i felt that Six had taken quite a toll creatively. I bought the album for less than 20 bucks at music junction at J8 after school... and boy oh boy was i disappointed.. The whole vibe.. man.. I just re heard it and its good. But after mansun's six. MAN.. its just.. different. They were trying out for a "attack of.." this time. I feel its a great album, although its questionable why they had "electric man" as the next single instead of "soundtrack of your lives".
end: OK enough bullshit. im working at a shop now, i felt pretty proud that i managed to sell velvetteen's out of the fierce parade which i think is a total classic album, with its Mid atlantic hybrid in garage sound. I love it.
anyone up to start a band. im bored. i play guitar and bass occasionaly. and sing? can also... hahha start band can?
