PEROXIDE BLUES

U can contact the author at sohsoon@yahoo.com anytime to talk and make a new friend!!

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Other works by this author.

• Songspeak
  • Peroxide BLues
  
  
• Moving still life
  • REmote feelings.^new!
  • CRacking up.^new!
  • Head home in time^new!
  • I hate my heart sometimes
  • Mister Rekok#1
  
  
  

andrew perez and daphne lim go on a cruise to nowhere at collier quay
sounds in my hed: Sonic youth's EVOL, Do as Infinity's DEEP FOREST, Smashing pumpkin's LUll e.p., SOnic youth's a thousand leaves and RAdiohead's knives out single...

smilery makes me want to puke sometimes really. Bright shiny happy people that could hurt u anytime, that's if u dont say hi and dont introduce yourself as their next victim.

Last night on the star awards tay ping hui won an award for star awards top ten male actors. WHat a FUCKER I HATE HIM!! and the funny part was that i was switching between Duece bigelow on star movies and channel 8 for the stupid star awards. Plus everyone was really fucked up dressed up and all... it wAS DIGUSTING TERRENCE CAO WITH THE STEWPIT LAYERED IM SO COLD AND SO HOT LOOK!!! gaud....

sunday comes and sunday goes....
oh well i still have one more paper on wednesday.. yeah mangement of business paper 2.. i was thinkin of askin my school crush out. U noe that girl meifang. but after all.. its all quite uncertain.. ANd that's the best part lor..hahhahaha. WEll i have to study for it really, even though my brain is 80 percent uncompressed and my emotions about 96 percent uncompressed.aawww.wwwwww... pinky is sleeping under the table where im typing..hahhaha...

ok ok ok last night i recorded some instrumentals and all... made up a nice garage rock song i guess... a bit off on the arrangment...but can work better if re-recorded i guess. Ohj yeah.. im plannin to name my little thing micro-not.... hahhahha geddit!!!!! yeah or CORBY.. MYCRO-KNOT..hhmmmmmmmm..... yeah ill work on it.. in the meana time....... u guys take care.,..

Monday, November 26, 2001
12:39 p.m.

BOOOFUN
soundz in my bed: Sonic youth's EVOL, The Boredoms's onanie meets the sex pistols, trans am's first album, Do as infinitiy's deep forest and of course the greatest album my life is patched on THe smashing pumpkins GREATEST Hit... with ROTTEN APPLES AND JUDAS O !!!!GOD BLESS THE PUMPKINS!!

ok.. im sick.. hahahah.. tell u wat ill sing a story like a bard to say what i will today.
< yesterday i was sick, and i felt really horrible
it seems so fast time flies as you do things
but yesterday it seemed that things were slightly bearable
and in my bedroom left to whatever devices to sing

HAHHAHH okokoko ill be back....

Sunday, November 25, 2001
03:48 p.m.

Aloha mister rogers... a mi coming on board???
boofun boofun..

people dont like my entries because its all too emotionally engaging and all. I guess that's what i want. i guess u noe.. im a lill too open with how i feel and all. I guess ill just start writing about how i ate my burger and how i was bathin. I guess its good really, to be still expressive under these constraints.. and i thank u pearlly for that challenge.. hahah..

im sick and im in a situation and why am i not doing anything about it?? Here's an analogy.. a moment of pure beauty: last week before one the papers.. the invigilators asked us in the examination hall to write our names on the question paper so that we can find it when they release it. So's what happens is that i pick up my pen, like what ive been doing for countless times. The pick up the click the fingers. and i wrote my name as per normal. The strangest thing is that i didnt know what to write below after that...but i know there is something to be in that blank space. my class?? my index number.. all this routine has made me realise after a long time what's missing.so's i write my chinese name.ahaha That's all for now.. later on...

"there's a light that shines on everyone." -Pulp's "the night minnie timperly died" from "i love life"

Saturday, November 24, 2001
05:50 p.m.

boys dont cry....................HAhhahahahha
okay.. i guess the current entries are a little different and all.. yeah.. HAHAHha.. i have been thinkin about closing my online diary cause im getting afraid of what im saying and also i guess everything's below my expactations.

anyway today i feel so much better,thanks to June and judith, julius and that someone. Yeah it was pretty funny and all. The day before i went for mass late and hid in the corner avoiding contact with yeah.. it was the usual shit really.. and anyway MArcus came up to me and told me that i cant keep running away from her like that. Well, he didnt say it was pathetic or anything that is but .. yeah.. and i told him ill keep running for as long as it takes.

today, when i went for mass to offer my prayers for her safe journey to aussie.(BOy am i a wuss huh??) I saw her manning the table for some camp registration, and i knew that i cannot run away.. esp. in view of what me and marcus had discussed the day before. I went up and said hi and all. yeah.. but the nicest part was that intially i felt extremely uncomfortable when the walls that i had built started peeling away. i guess with each word.. and some things.. i guess i dont feel to ashamed of how i feel at all i guess..i cant tell u why.. but.. it just keeps saying that there is something very special there that i personally dont know exactly what it is. I mean its weird. I think its the mysterious that drives us on and on really... but it was really nice seeing her.. and i didnt think it would be nice.. hahhaha.. yeah.. at first i really wanted to just u noe the usual fuck my stupid emotions crap. but... okay okay its all pretty boring and all.. its just that suddenly i feel like i can take on the world again.. to a certain extent of course..

i guess been the nice guy does pay off in a way.. i hope i have been nice to all my friends really.. and yeah.. i sincerely hope that on day i can tell u all what really happened and how i felt.. but i dont think i can.

today, i feel better because of someone i thought would make me feel worse and even shit. or is it just me telling myself that i would feel shit?? im happy that she believes in me and some how or rather.. in a strange way that i cannot understand at all.. it made a world of difference.. even after so long.. i really am so curious.. we'll see what the future has in store... rite??

thank u mel.

tomolo.. accounts paper one.. deep shit numbs the head.

Monday, November 19, 2001
12:05 a.m.

interview !!

Shaun Soh as interviewed by Sharon seng

Monday, November 18, 2001
12:02 a.m.

Conclusion
sounds in my hed: there are no sounds in my head.

sorry about the previous entry, i was sick and obivious that there was a malfunction in my body and mind. The malfunction was love and other emotions that break up my ease of pain.

today i am okay. Just like another day. HOr.. rite rite hee hee haa haa haa. I today re-wire my heart and soul. Now work so much better. Like now can do better things like pursue my Dreams. Do i remember dreams? oh yeah that dream.. HA HA HEE HEE HA HA.i like that u noe i like that.Throw me away. Ill be puttin up a comic i drew up today that saved my life, and i want to share it with you. It's called "Effective ways to die happy", isnt it so exciting! ITs got me thinking of knobbin trees and cats and dogs!! im all wet now! remember how i got wet? think hard if you dont! ha ha hee hee ha ha.

tomolo.. i am going to wake up early and study for my dream. The dream of living without emotion, the dream of finance management and accountancy. I so am into it dude! ha ha hee hee.. then i can take my tear glands and use it to enlarge my power tool! ha ha hee hee ha ha.Arent things going my way. i enjoy a nice cup of coke, produced my machines, but not the packaging designed by people i may noe.I am so assured of my hip hop legs and indie torn mind.

okays i am sick. so must sleep early. Tomorrow i will be a good boy and do what i must dream of. A car, a nokia hand phone, a family that i can make money from and of course my fave topic these days.. the whoring of relationships with people!! I cant stop thinkin of all the monetary and esteem benefits i can get from whorin my friends!! WOW! this is so exciting that ITs got me thinking of knobbin trees and cats and dogs!! im all wet now! remember how i got wet? think hard if you dont! ha ha hee hee ha ha.

the world is round and not heart shaped. the world is blue and green and is not red with passion. colors to associate with passion and **** like red, is destructive in nature and are meant to be concealed like our organs!! Wow, there is so much to learn!! like the days are filled with so much energy that couples reproduce in the night when their bodies are tired, and the nights with so much blandness and lethargy that people actually say things like i **** you!! WOW ITs got me thinking of knobbin trees and cats and dogs!! im all wet now! remember how i got wet? think hard if you dont! ha ha hee hee ha ha.

my laugther hangs like monkeys from trees. And my irresponsibilty are lie guns that i fire from crotch level! I have never felt so human! ha ha hee hee ha ha. I am so happy.. wait that is an emotion.. then..i am a machine. mahcune sleepip fyu fytu ho ho yuk yuk. yuk yuk.. cahp vhao jlk ITs got me thinking of knobbin trees and cats and dogs!! im all wet now! remember how i got wet? think hard if you dont! ha ha hee hee ha ha.

Thursday, November 15, 2001
01:36 a.m.

*nil*
Sounds in my hed:DAshboard confessionals Screaming infidelities,BLink 182 story of a lonely guy,Sarah maclachan good enough,DAshboard confessionals Living in your letters and neverending story.....

please note that im im the verge of seriously breaking down in front of the computer sans all the make up and masks that ive put up with a long time.

dear diary, today i woke up late after hanging out with chen, terrance and sean. We spend the night doing what i shouldve done more often, talk about soccer, about mixed school girls, latest and cheapest handphone models and evo cars and all that stuff. It was at the most beautiful place that ive ever been in bishan.. this playground. One can really see all these fucking stars. It was nice really, just the guys cracking stupid jokes about all the little things... i kinda missed out on life really.

Before that i met an old friend.. glenn yeah the guy i wrote about in the previous entry. We just chilled out in his place and all busting out punk cds ala the vandals, me first and the gimme gimmes.. and the obligatory listening of the mellon collie and the infinite sadness album. Then the topic went to much things that were closer to our hearts, thanks to the song galapogos."i wont deny the pain/ should i fall from grace/ will you rescue me". then we talked about amelia my ex girlfriend and all.. and he asked me if i had gotten over her and all that nonsense.. "duh!" hahha... that was a serious DUH! hahha.. then it came all of a sudden from the back of my head. Check your feelings. i guess i felt real shit from knowing the feelin that something can never happen and at the same time wanting to happen. U get things dont want.. and not the things u need.

i read glenn's lyrics and found out how he was inside too, i read into the words and all.i realise that sometimes we get so confused in life by everything that we have nothing to turn to.. we fall back on our teenage lives, old memories and all. in my life i think that i know wat memories i will fall back on so much. Sometimes i think that i chicken out once in a while and in that once in while i become a normal boy reading star wars, tamiya cars, comcis and Eileen davids.: )..haha.. last night kept me thinking so much really. About how amelia was especially, kinda like a ***** and all. And i began to think abt u noe who and yeah.. the comparisons started.. and well.. stop ..

i just heard that she's goin to australia next monday and all, with her bf adam. Its totally sweet im telling u, walks along the sydney harbour, hand in hands along st george's street, teasing each other about the aussie asians that look like them.. drinking wine near the MCA, stitting side by side in the trains afraid that they might miss their train stop.. watching a movie together that hasnt come to singapore... walking along shopping malls that are so familiar.. its all very nice.

i cant write anymore.
im starting to doubt what i write. because ill never be able to do anything.
i dont want to say anything im sorry if i fucked up this entry...

emotional honesty is a fucking joke.. it doesnt deserve a place any where. at all..:lesson of the day.. according to sharon seng.

Wednesday, November 14, 2001
02:50 p.m.

im tired
im not goin to write anything much.. except that these are the most trying times.. in my life. i wish that the people that i mentioned in the latter entry would be praying for me... and that ... i will be able to face the world the next time i do. ive grown lisa. again.. hopefully to eveyone's and your expectations in a good way. : )... i hope pinky is to.. hahhaah...


next: econs aftermath.. the return of the hairdye.. coming to your theatres in november..

Tuesday, November 13, 2001
01:58 a.m.

It Doesnt Matter WHat LAbel They're ON!!
SOunds floating in my head: radiohead Fog, Smashing pumpkins GIsh,JAwbreaker Unfun,the Queers Im all screwed up,nine inch nails something i can't have,Sigur ros,muse Origin if symetery and Sarach maclachan Fumbling towards ecstasy.

okay another one more day to the econs paper two. Man oh man si bei shion man. sometimes i wonder is all this writing all worth it. Someimtes im quite amazed at the amount of stuff i can write in like under half an hour really. I MEAN DO PEOPLE READ THIS?? sometimes i wonder really.yeah i do compromise words with pictues or graphic intensive stuff and all but.. hahah im a CAVE MAN.

yeah im really tired. i spent like quite some time revising some econs and all.. spottin questions and all. i was talking to an old fren just now, Glenn or know as MOnkey. Yeah he's a really old friend that i really love. And he's a REAL PUNK ROCKER. TAlkin to him made me think about the times i spent countles nights in his room listenin to The queers, vandals, squitgun and slayer man. If i would to have a list on the most influential people in my life, ill put him there!! ahhah, yeah.. all those times where we would just relax in room checkin out rancid and talking about all the punk rock fantasies that i cannot fufill. Gettin my ass kicked by him time and time again on red alert. Sitting at his window checkin out the beautiful AMK sun set over the park and all. I really do miss all those times. And it was really funny because i was listenin to SP's Gish, the album that defined all those fun times. Man.. the break up with my ex... i went to his house and we chilled out. its really nice.. those were the best days.. hahah how i used to sponge some marlboro reds and all.. hahahah.. and the tears and some other ahem stuff.. on his bed sheets.. hahha.. oh wow.. those were really nice have to write a song about it really.GLenn if you're reading this U ROCK FUCKER!!

today at mass i saw here and all.. At this point i want to ask is writing about this detrimental to what ever's left between teh both of us. I wonder. YEah.. i saw her at mass, it was quite obivius that it was akward, i dont noe. She didnt want to see me. i didnt want to see her. i think so. i had my reasons. She was sick and all really, she kept sniffing on some really over used tissue and all. yeah. i was kinda soft and all at that point after all that u noe. I feel nothing shit.. ahaha.. macho man falls again.

i was talking to my god sis one day and i mentioned my best friend to her, and she assumed that it was the girl i was writing about in all these entries. I was quite shock i mean, usually you would think maybe its a guy or some idiot like brandon (HAAH NO OFFENSE BRANDY ALL GUYS ARE IDIOTS!!). yeah but she asked whether it was the gurl in my entries. That got me thinkin a lill u noe... i mean yeah.. i have to say this but Mel's still the best friend i ever had. i cannot imgaine anyone else in the future to ever go thru the same shit.. i think hahah. yeah.. and pearlly just well reminded me.. After all im now quite off, i more or less have a new circle of friends and all. Its just like glenn u noe.. these people are forever.. ah i dont noe. i wont write about this shite anymore. its not time..

i then smsed her that she looked sick and to take care.. and yeah i remember that she really hated been sick, esp with a flu and all. ive got nothing else to say about mass today except that i went through alot in my heart and mind, it was exhausting u noe. Sometimes i wish there was this strategy guide to encounters like that u can get from a Sim lim Tower computer game store. it was quite nice.. really.. i actually felt something i was familiar with after a long time during mass. So familiar that it kinda.. hurts in a very sweet way... i missed all of you...

we get bitter from the sweet,
and sweet from the bitter.

oh yeah HI HERRY!!! HAHAHA MISSED YOU TOO!!

Monday, November 12, 2001
12:52 a.m.

WAH LAU!!!!!!TODAY ORCHARD VELY CROWDED!!
SOundz in my hed:Slipknot IOWA,STabbing westWard DArkest days,Sevendust DEnial, NIne Inch Nails THe FRagile,SMashing pumpkins GISH,Joni Mitchell BLue and deftones WHite Pony. GIVE NU METAL A CHANCE!!! AND ALOS N-SYNC's NEW ALBUM POP!! GIVE THEM ALL A CHANCE!

man .. just came back from orchard coz I WAS LOOKIN FOR THE BLARDY NEW SMASHING PUMPKINS SINGLE "Untitled" which was the last song they recorded!! THey played it at their last concert at the metro at the 29th... shit man.. only saw britney's new album and LAmb's new album ..quite cool eh..

Anyway.. orchard was REALLy so GOdamm crowded.. saw quite a number of people i know though and brandon..= it was more then three!! Yeah.. and i was feelin a lill sick and all. THe best part is that border's brought in NEU!'s full discography!! WOW shit must get man!! And there were some cool nin singles that were brought in recently.. and yeah Aphex Twin's new album Drugsx or something is still sold out.. hahah.. saw Spineshank's albums on sale. and the whole squarepusher disco.. man. so tempting man.. border's totally rocks man..

oh yeah so today there was this total slam at imm's email.. oh boy oh boy... sometimes i wonder if he's a christopher hall from stabbing westward.. or trent reznor from nine inch nails really.. sans the depth maybe. I dunno lah!! but i am always hoping that this imm thing will bring the youth group together. I didnt say with me in it though. Sad hor.. dunno lah.. i just am feelin alot of new things now. Like how aladdin and jasmine sang u noe.. a whole new world., but this time they get kiled by jafaar. Okay okay not get killed something else lah.. AHAHHHA.. yeah.. but aladdin goes to europe and become a photographer and jasmine becomes a supermodel in america. U noe. they split and yeah go their own seperate ways.These feeling are new and very strong and i guess its goin to change alot of things. u noe.. yeah.. like a very bitter sweet country song.

i guess i understand more things now esp. about why u noe girls leave and all.. esp in my life and all. Its just the god awlful timing yah. I guess there are some things in my heart that survivied all this bullshit.. one day ill show it to all of you in song and dance. AFter all man first learnt to sing before he learnt to talk....

Sunday, November 11, 2001
12:23 a.m.

Long nights... short days....
Soundz In my HEd:The cranberries NO need TO ARgue, THe jayhawks TOmorrow the Green Grass,Uncle Tupelo Anodyne and Gram Parsons Return of the grievious Angel.

sorry if i missed out yesterday's entry... was too tired.. and there was something wrong with the website pitas.com.

anyways... Brandon described the previous previous super long entry as "emotional drunked literature" watever that is... i was kinda sick when i wrote that. ANyway yeah had my GP paper today.. Oh well. "gorecki" by LAMB's on.. man oh man.. if you can download that song listen to it and tell me how it feel's to be going on. I had Joni mitchell's "BLUE" on too.. i really wanna introduce that album to one person. its a really beautiful album awashed with many pretty imagery.. e.g. rivers, mardi gras and other festivals to watch people revel and think about your own happiness.

anyway.. im feelin a lill tired. Its strange that i feel incredibly strange these few days. I totally do not relate to many things now. For instance the youth group, church work, romance and falling in love. The only thing i believe in is Billy corgan ( I BELIEVE IN YOU HEAR THAT!!) yeah.... and yeah, many things are slipping away from my heart. I know that when i start recording again on my four track the songs are goin to sound very different. Ive being workin on some melodies these past days and havent had a chance to sing it to anyone.. yet. Wierd huh.. Yeah alot if things that i feel are fading out really, the depressing or happy part hasnt come yet cause it all depends on how am i goin to react to it, and really its all up to me.

i felt alot if things over this week and one day ill talk about it u noe. and strangely everything that happens or how i feel, i need to tell that someone.. weird huh. Im quite retarded.. but im quite used to keeping things in, its quite fun u noe. ("all apologies" nirvana plays in the background.) i think that the time has come where im either a john cusak or matthew broderick kind of person. Oh well im not that cute. HAHA..but yeah.. i guess sometimes no matter what and i really mean no matter what that person is still that person.. faithful and devoted to i dont know what still.... chio bus fantassy..

ive had requests to reveal secrets and all on this page. it will come after the exams.. so ... stay tuned.. it will concern the past present and future sound like fun eh.. maybe ill collect them and get brandon to make it into a bio pic.. HHAHA.. okay sleep's time's is here's.. i leave u with a wish.. believe me.. HAhahha okay.. sorry..

radiohead's FOG plays in the background, its a very nice song really.. sob sob...hahhaahahh.. i miss All of you... then and now.. i love all of you. "Shaun has left the building. already." oh yeah ur on invisible too!! like how i have been all this while!! WHat a BEAUTIFul COINCIDENCE!!!

Saturday, November 10, 2001
02:53 a.m.

day one: the whole world is slipping away.
sounds in my heart:SLipknot IOWA, THE VERVE Urban Hymns, RAdiohead Kid A, Staind Dysfunction and Lots of cocteau twins and Kraftwerk........

i am so slipping away. I can tell how. Because... im having my exams.. i feel alittle sick.. i noe i can do it.. today's paper.. wah.. man.. got a new nokia phone. 3310.. or something.. yeah im not a person who digs stuff like that.. It seems that the further i am into the exams.. i feel like there a more things that are slippin away.. god.. my friends.. even myself.. i cant imagine what happens when i hit the army.. i guess ive got three months to put everything together again..okay okay..... its goin to end.. i guess one things important that im goin to change alot after this exams.. really.

OKay okay... i wont bleed.. i will hold my wounds and carry on.

next entry: Chinese paper 1 and 2.. The Language barrier strikes back.

Wednesday, November 7, 2001
09:04 p.m.

Believe in me anyone...
SounDz In my Hed:SLipknot IOWA,James Iha winter (song only),radiohead Kid A and assorted songs to keep my love up.

tomolo or rather in about seven hours time's my first paper for my a' levels.. and boy do i feel so stinky. First and foremost i am the only one i knoe more or less doing this a'levels... this sucks.. it feels more lonely then not having someone to believe in me.TRust me. Oh gaud.. its like this point where i am able to catch up and all.. i guess i will... eventually.. the desire to so much want to do so has been there ever since she left me... and i just said yes.. i do not regret to so willingly accept the stab and say its alright u go.. i understand. I guess in moments of great mental and emotional stress.. i do think about how the fuck i ended up in this place. I guess after all that late night muggin sessions downstairs my place.. i figured out why so. Its because i wanted to catch up.. with her.. yeah.. its only after then that the perspective changed.. shifting to something bigger.. to being left behind. I admit its much simplerto follow your heart after all i am a emotional sensitive person.. its up to u to decide whether is it good or bad really. For me personally.. i think both..

i guess having other people believe in you is just a beautiful thing really. Prayers from all the church people.. but most of all telling someone that ill pray for u isnt enough at times.. Christianity is all about relationships with people, how u hold each other so close till u cry till the end. The infinte selfishness to sacrifice in order to remain, friends and all. In all in all a very beautiful thing that only can be seen with time.. with relationships severed and returned. Billy corgan once said why he chose The scared heart as a fitting image for the band's music.. he said its because the sacred heart is surrounded by thorns.. saying that to love is to feel pain at the same time. Moreover, one cannot feel love without feeling pain and vice versa. It is one very big mystery that we are powerless to say that we understand, but rather to sit back and feel what ever comes the way.

it is in this that i feel that i do not want to try to understand why it matters so much for a particular person.. but rather the pure significance of that person in all its individual self and its absence that pains me. People tell me to fuck off and die because of all this childishness.. then why prayer... and not do anything. Is it because we are so powerless to exercise what we are taught at all?

in my previous entry i called out to people to check their hearts from time to time.. relative to others around. its so important.. one thing that surprised me was the phone call from one of my friends.. Is contendment then a barrier to truly loving someone?? No.. it is in contendment that we think thouroughly about our feelings and whom we love. It is this period that we decide and know with so much certainty who is who, and what is what. it is all in all a very beautiful thing. It is being passive but yet it has its overflowing merits.

i then leave with the certainty, the sweet knowledge that i know something that is so certain. I could weigh all the pros and cons of my feelings but there is not much u can do to turn away the heart and soul at all.. i leave now to embark on the finality of my exams.. my farewell to the trying times of constantly feeling left behind. This is because i hold something that only i know.. that im doing this not only for myself.. but for everyone. esp someone.

i need someone to believe in me yes.. but most importantly.. i must believe in others. god yes.. but there are others. too who truly need to believe.. it is in believing that we find peace and above all.. love..

thanks for listening..
p.s. sorry JAs cannot write abt u noe who.. BTW where's her pic?? HAHAHHAbababababhhahahhaha

Tuesday, November 6, 2001
11:53 p.m.

armband quadrant... Engage.. divide and conquer.. like depechemode on a bright sunnay day
SOundZ In my HEAd and my fuckin TESTIES!!!:STabbIng WESTWARD DARkest DAys,STaInd DysFunctIon,Slipknot IOWA,DROWNING POOL sinner and Uncle Joe from here to victoria.

shit man.. its two days more.. ive screwed up the archiving of the current page and alll.. shit... i have to get rid of all the other entries.. i wonder why.. it kinda matters u noe that the others arent there so that i cant start things a new and all.. man i can type alot faster while listening toi slipknot's "left behind" from IOWA.. shit man it fucking rocks!!!! i feel like a sEcodary school boy who just got caught for smoking in the school toilets!!!!!!Tomolo got Caning fuck DIE!!!!!!wah lau.. i am xin ku u noe.. fuck man.. FRancis pissed me off because of one question but i wont hold it against him really.. i mean I AM emotionally retarded...and all unlike SOME COoL pple Who are so good with THeir GODDAMM EMOTIONS IS LIKE THEY're FOR Fucking REAL RIGHT!!!! IU mean im quite sincere to myself right.. can someone tell me.. really.. fuck man ireally think im cracking up really.. anyone out there in computer world can helpeth me???

shit man ive been a fucking emotional and mental rollercoaster ride even though ive been confined to the emptiest of places.. the voiddecks to cRAM fucking shit into my mind.. beautiful huh??? shit man.. as i wrote in a diary entry who said that void decks where empty.... fuck man our HEARTS u should at least questions and look at your heart at least once every three hours.. to check if its beating u noe.. FUck man.. there are pple i noe who's hearts are beating for SAtan or some evil MEphisto human fantasy to personify bad bad bad people. This is an order to stop doing hurt to anyone.. check ypur heart to see if you're really loving anyone.. u will miss out some pple really. fro instance i guess ....

i told julius last night after a totally incredible emotional mind fuck....that i love everybody as much as they love me.. and its not a good thing at all really.. i love people the same way that the love me.. and there isnt alot to build on... ive got one super nice example really..

at this point i realise how childish i am.. Im totally not in control of my self... not wanting to. Im skipping boundaries in order to what?? bad mouth somebody..? All swear words and all..oh god... sometimes after letting go like that it just comes ever so clearly wat i need.. and from the atari's song "between you and me" ..... "why do we always choose to want the things that we cant have." if im wrong correct me..

im leaving with my hands bleeding from doing nothing.. just some old scars that i shouldnt have kept peeling the scabs and all.. stupid me.. maybe there were no scabs. SHit now im sounding like some trent reznor gothturbator... oh shit... okay im hold on.. remember what she said.. hold on dhol on dhold on dhol dhol on.... hold on.. yeah. she said hold on i believe in those words she said.. i believe in her.. behind every succesful man there's a woman.......... no matter what i think in this case.......i think i have no one behind me.... but someone inside me.
reed richards evil man funding.
yours ever so painfully sincerely shaun soh the one who is ignored... nice hor like a good PROG rock song. is do simple.. ALL DIRTY ALIVE MAKING sure is a great guy AAAAAAAAWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww shut the fuck up

Monday, November 5, 2001
11:04 p.m.

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