I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY!!~
I SO fucking hate U!! fuck fuck fuck.. let's see it this fucking way.. im so goddamm pissed with fucking everything!! Yeah so u going to tell fucking me that Its me!! Fucking hell that's causing all this shit!! ell FUck U!!1 All your Stupid fucking pom pom shite Huh1! FUck U!! IT Was Something I WAS LoOKING FOrWARD TOO U FUCKING BITCH!! FUCK FUCKFUCKF!!! U
Fucking shit.. Fuck MAN!! IT MATTERED SO FUCKING I=MCUh!~!!~ and this is all the fucking Fushihioffdhlf I Fucking wANT TO KILL U!!! I SO fUckin hate U!! I SO HATE HATE HATE AHTHAHETHTE U!!! I FUCKING HATE U!!! IVE SPENT TOO MANY HOURS FUCKING DOING THINGS LIKE A GODDAMMM FUCKING NICE NICE PERSON FUCK U!! IM SO FUCKING PISSED!! I WANT TO FUCKING SHIT ON U!!! fuck... i was looking so forward to this weekend and this is the fucking thanks.. SO I OSUND LiKE AFUCKING PSYHCO~!!! LIKE UYEAH Fuck AT LEAST He's NOt OGigngdsnklklnskln fuck FUCKF CUFKCKCkFKFC U!!! FUCK U!!!!!!! IM VERY VCERTYREGA FUCK U!!!!!!
Riding down the side of the road.. stupid shaun thinks and looks left and right.. thinks of buying a super beautiful present for SOMEONE SPECIAL!! SO FUCKING QWAHT!!! ITS NO FUCKING REASON!!! FUCK!!! IM Not suppose to get anything in trteuien.,.. yeah... i just fucking hate u... for how u fucking treat me.. i fucking hate the music.. i fucking hate the everything.. i fucking am so fucking HATING THE FUCKING WAY U TREAT YOUR FRIENDS!! You're A FUCKING BITCH FOR ALL I CARE AND FOR THAT I WANT TO FUCKING BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!! I FUCKING HATE ALL THE SHIT@!!!!#@@#$%$%$%@% I FUCKING HATE HAT ATHTAHTAHTHATHAHTA YOU!!! FUCKING hate U!!! SO MUCH THAT ILL PRAYT ABOUT IT!! I FUCKING HATE ALL THIS SHIT I PUIT MysLEF THRU!!! I FUCKING HATE ALL THIS SHIT!! THE WHOLE WORLD HATES U !!!!! FUCK U.....
im sorry.. i ermm... hiccupp.. i really was so rooting on your chalet for relaxation. Im feeling really sad about it.. so sad that i hate u. im really sorry... happy birthday to the gurl who stole my world..
Friday, September 20, 2002 01:50 a.m.
secondhand daylight in dreams. Sounz in the head: Mogwai's ep+2, Yo la tengo's painful, Homegrown's kings of pop, hum's so you'd prefer an astronaut and radiohead's i might be wrong live ep for 911.... i cant say much cept that i read in bigo that radiohead was playing somewhere at the same time that it happened.. so i was imagining this super powerful radiohead concert.. along.. har har cept for the version of true love waits is damn fucked up...
Most of the time when i look at old photos, i just lie in bed, witht the aircon on. I turn on my bed lamp and just fill my room with nice yellow warm musiks. I was just looking thru photos from the old church days and all, and haha. It feels like im having a really big hangover from really living my life! GOod and bad really.. like some really longplay megamix record's been playing all night in this disco and ive been dancing in it for twenty one years. Some songs are loud and some songs are very soft, so soft that only your heart can hear it. U take conversations as little beautiful guitars sounding like pianos. I went thru alot of photos, photos of my uncle and aunties, that for a moment didnt felt like uncles and aunties but really old friends. Then i saw pictures of myself and my cousins at birthday parties and all, shit man.. im damn funny.. always making funny faces and doing all sorts of lill tot gymnastics.
At borders there was this book i saw on the cheapie book sections. Its on mantel art or something like that. THey had all these really nice photos that seem very familiar, like somthing my grandpa would have on the walls in the living room. Then there were these crying boy/girl pictures, that are basically nicely painted pieces of crying children. With tears and all, they were painted against a black background, usually with torn clothes and all. It was disturbing. Herry, who was with me on the supposed search for mel's pressie (but got distracted by constantly bumping into homosexualtiy themed Books at borders and times!!) also said it was.... disturbing. After a while i started to really get this hunch over this on painting that my grandpa really had back then.
there was a short intoduction in the beginning of the chapter. It was something about how in the 70's people where actually talking about a curse that this paintings had. E.g. Lady claims that after she bought one of the crying boy pictures and hung it in her living room, her husband, son and daughter died. Well up to u to think its true. THe funny thing is that it is said that the jinx of the crying paintings can be neutralised is by putting a picture of a crying girl and crying boy side by side.
The book is available at borders for $16, hardcover with nice carpet material on the front and back. Didnt buy it because i went out the other way of borders. shit.
I was also looking at pictures that were more recent, like maybe when i was really sobering out post birth drunk (which may have lasted for like.. 14 years? hahah..). I was thinking about all this friends ive had and all. U know its funny how everytime i meet new friends and they go "He's always happy!!". At times the bookstore (with the staff wearing toilet cleaner uniforms), i wanted to buy this philo book that explains why depressives are great comedians. Its funny. Just today i found out that alot of people had signed my guest book! What a pleasant surprise really!! i wonder why... 911 tribute search.. . Yea and some wierd one who didnt leave a name was telling me about the combat engineers and all.. usually its not the vocation that sucks.. its really myself. Yeah and thanks for people to tell me to take care and all.. i really like it when people say that. Back then, friends used to say "Take care" like some kind of like catch phrase thing after go, usually the guys say "fuck off lah!! I hope u DIE!!" yeah!! And im wondering who's the super chio bu from Australia!! man im so excited!! Maybe its natalie portman!! hey wait.. she's from the us.. ermm.. someone like natalie portman??
ive been doing something alot for a long time ever since secondary school. Stopped well.. for some time.. but now ive started doing again. Basically, take one word and keep writing it over and over again, and dont stop. Stop only when your really sure you've drained yourself, dont stop because u think its finished, it never ends like that. Just anyword.. hahah.. that day i was doing egg.. ok ok.. choose some more interesting words.. just sharing my ditty shit habits.
The last few photos i went thru were those group shots, thanks to mel who used my photos for her interview and got them all mixed up, there were all in one album. It was nice seeing all of us together. Its at that point in that room with the nice yellow warm musikal lamps and aircon that u just feel that you're the only idiot who's going thru so much looking at photos. U try to imagine everyone one of those faces with you in the photos doing what you're doing. And seriously i cant. hahah.. cept for maybe one .. or two.. i know who. AFter a while, you bring the photo closer to your eyes and sudden see things. Objects in the background, fashion mistakes (im guilty of that.. hair's always bad..), smiles gone wrong, over revealing bits and above all.... beautiful bits of tone and moment reveal something you've never seen in that person. Sometimes, id close my eyes and rub my finger tips, looking for that texture to touch. Turn off the musicas and lamps and you get that hangover feeling, its amazing. Remedy's to listen to "not a girl ,not yet a woman" by britney spears.. whoops..
okay.. ill be having to go.. next week's somewhat important, i take it as the day-that-i-regret-because-i-could-so-alot-but-this-time-i-cannot-do-alot day.. haahha... i hope everyone's fine.. 21 fine's as long as its on the birthday date.. its special. See u next week.
Btw...People dont know what they want, not before they see it. every object of desire is a Found object. Traditionally anyway.....
Sunday, September 15, 2002 03:05 p.m.
oh messy life.... SOunz in the head: Bjork's Post, SElmasongs and vepsertine. Sloan's Twice removed, Bump of chicken's singles and foo fighters' nothing to lose.
i had a really wonderful dream last night. SErious. It was so beautiful cause i could never have imgained that i could still dream of things like that. What was i dreaming of??
well i was really feeling erratic and all this week. I mean i finished reading the three stigmatas of palmer eldritch and.. it was emotionally exhausting really. It kept me thinking about the choices we have to make, how we cannot turn back once things are the way it is. I kept thikning about the very very adult thing about desire and release. Something that we'd wind up tackling as we are adults and all. Sometimes i wonder if ive had these strong thoughts already earlier? Ive been feeling very vyer much sad... very alone.. yeah.. sigh.. i was thinking it was because of the way i am.. i mean who listens to the shit i listen? REad the shit i listen.. Its like im totally one thing away from the rest of the whole camp...
yesterday.. i couldnt sleep at all. I was totally insomniac. i was so down.. i felt very guilty gfor not attending mass, well the procession for mother mary's b-dae. I met mel there and i was quite affected when seh started telling me off about not attending mass and going for the procession, but after a while i was thinking it was really nice of her to do that. I went late coz i overslept and all. She told me about her birthday party coming u at some chalet and told me only the church people would be there. Hahah.. im now to her as one of the church people. THat would be nice really. sigh.. there this suddent moment when i realised (in fact i know) that i dont keep in eye contact with her at all when we talk. SO when she was going off i just held on my eyes and talked. quite hard u know its an acquired skill.. after having tunnel vision for a long time. I guess i havent been looking at her straight in the eyes for a long time. it was nice. Her mom was there too, looking at me like somebody you've know along time and you shouldnt say hi cause there's nothing to say at all. I really liked her mom though, i remember she made me a birthday card.
The whole night i was sitting up on my bed, went to record a nice little song that sounds.. nice lah..hahah. I was feeling so choked really.. i couldnt call anyone. Just talk u know not about movies or the some stupid music shit that people is all i care about. I just wanted to talk. I wanted to call mel up really but.. yeah.. hahaha she must sleep. I then realised all of a sudden in the midst of silence, i realised that ive said too many goodbyes to actually talk to her.
All the times when u start thinking about that person and you just close youe eyes and say goodbye. THe church that you've spend the best times with that special someone is changing u say goodbye. The songs that u sang for the special someone's losing its melody, u say goodbye.goodbye. I heard from my sis that my grandmother came back to our house (she's dead) and visited her, she said goodbye. EVerytime in camp i feel so fucked up or tired, i think of people i love and i say goodbye. Its just filled to the brim. I started writing down on a piece of paper a letter to Mother mary (souns childish heh), and really just write and write. I wanted somehow to just get rid of all these feelings, stop it. At times i just kept on and on about..
why would she want me to go to her party, afterall, i totally screwed up her christmas thanks to my titanic leo dicarpio fuck up act of reconcilation. hahah.. oh yeah im a chruch friend. Either that she's totally numb to me, or that she really is that nice.. which makes that worse haha.
last night's dream was really so beautiful. well beautiful maybe isnt the right word really. THe funny thing;s that at the beginning of the dream, it started with me going back to camp and forgetting to bring in ciggarettes and that's when it all happened. I was totally shocked. i wont say what exactly happened, but it was all airbrushed.. u noe like those air brushed apaintings from the 70's and all. Nice tones and shit. it felt like such a long time in the dream. It was so... really. ITs true that its alot easier to describe feeling low and sad but so difficult to describe feeling happy and all. When u do. its like.. wow. I wish i could record the dream down really. It was all about her eyes really, something really wierd about eyes. I cant say anymore really. let's just say it was like knowing youre not there but something cognitive around its nature, like a possible future that is calculated so remarkably that it was so real and i had control of what i did.. the spectrum of emotions i felt. I didnt wake up teary of shit but happy that such a future could feel so real. Sometimes i wonder what the heavens are telling. Its raining today.
ITs being a long time. It has never felt this long really. ITs the wrong time i know. there is nothing more to say. Looking forward to the b-dae party. btw im also going to be tewnty one. hahah....... sigh... this is a so trying time. Ill try not to think so much about things. I seriously miss the simple child-like lust for life that she had, but then again... its there..maybe not for me
hyper-ballad by BjOrk
we live on a mountain
right at the top
there's a beautiful view
from the top of the mountain
every morning I walk towards the edge
and throw little things off
like:
car-parts, bottles and cutlery
or whatever I find lying around
it's become a habit
a way
to start the day
I go through all this
before you wake up
so I can feel happier
to be safe up here with you
it's real early morning
no-one is awake
I'm back at my cliff
still throwing things off
I listen to the sounds they make
on their way down
I follow with my eyes 'til they crash
imagine what my body would sound like
slamming against those rocks
when it lands
will my eyes
be closed or open?
I go through all this
before you wake up
so I can feel happier
to be safe up here with you
i heard this song again after a really long time. Just bought post on cd after having it cassette since sec 3... just one of those things that you feel stupid to have not heard that beautiful note of tune in the first place... heh.
Sunday, September 8, 2002 12:03 p.m.
??????? why am i HEre?!?!? Sounz in the head: Bjork's vespertine,The june spirit, The pixie's Bossanova and weezer's pinkerton...
ok... so what the fuck am i doing ona wednesday night?!?! hahah im having a nights out.. my first. It seems that my old friends Balraj and janus are at SOCE too.. as clerks.. boy.. sometimes i really think hard about being a SA old boy. Its either youre a total slacker, or youre a really harworking officer type guy. Its scary to think that im in the middle of it. I get so shivered all over when i think of it.
well i have to book in in like two hours.. left camp for like two hours already and.. will be preparing to leave soon really. Ill got to thomson yaohan and eat and look at books and cds. Hahahah... just read finish the Fury tradepaper back on the new marvel MAx Label. Dad bought it for me before i booked in and i was totally happy after feeling so shit. It really rocks... im telling you.. it is the most action packed COMic in the FUCKINg univerSE!! SHIT!! I WANNA GO BACK TO INFANTRY!! har harz...
I Was also reading this old book i bought and read way back in sec 2. Phillip K dick's the three stigamata of Palmer Eldritch. Its very very very disturbing. Its so different now that i read it from when i first back in sec 2. Its like all the small nuances could be felt and i could relate better to the characters and all. ITs very very neurotic and its so exhausting reading the book. U have to read it.. it just everything man.. Its so scary..in a nice way i guess but u noe how nice and scary is to me. Just go and read it.. trust me..
well i guess i better be going. Ive been making lists of dream themes that i always have, people i always dream of (its funny that i always dream of the clash although im not too hot for them... funny..) and songs to make a mixtape for a special someone. Oh well, subject matter is never relevant. Been having alot of wierd dreams lately. My chests are aching from no doing this much PT in a while. Bladders are on the verge of bursting most of the time. Hahah.. and i keep thinking of something this few days.. its like the way i read the phillip k dick book then and now, just made me think about how ive changed. The way i look at things, react and read from it. So i just thought of something from the past that ive buried really.. hahaha.. and it feels different.. the impact of that moment really never ever felt so ... real than ever.. i hope that she thinks that way too really.. sometimes i really hate myself for being the freak i am. oh well.. Advance and overcome... ENGINEEERRRRRRSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHHH!!!!!!!!! *choke*!
Wednesday, September 4, 2002 07:01 p.m.
Lost in space. Sounz in the head: The pixies' bossanova, Puressence, Ida's wil you find me, Mineral's power of failure, Bjork's vespertine and homogenic.. so love bjork man... i so love her stuff.. lyrics and all.. its really.. hahah.. look out for the greatest hits comp out..
yeah, im feeling pretty low because im really planning to go out of course. I really am so uncomfortable with the thing about not knowing anything about what's going to happen tomorrow and all. Its really bad... i mean its alot different in SOCE beacuse.. i dont know anyone else who's been a combat engineer. Ive been thinking of means and ways to cope with this shit really. I read today in sunday times about sunday depressions and all, and well, how to deal with it. I guess it wouldnt apply to me cause im not really working, im just in the army. SOmetimes i think i should stay in course because its like wanting to quite your job and ive got to stay on for the money, and yes it because of the money too.. I was just planning to go see the mo tomorrow and see what happens, my ankle really still hurts, and i cant go down the stairs.
the worst thing about going to a new bunk, meeting new poeple and all, is that i feel again horribly alone, totally out of place. I felt that last night at border's when i was buying the pixies disc and the guy at the counter commented that the album's nonsense, i was going har har. He then started telling me that i should listen to the breeders instead and its formed by the guitarist, i took no delay in correcting him that its the bassist kim deal who formed the breeders and i was like... I dunno it just came out, defensive and all. I really felt so horrible. who still eats all these records now. Maybe i should buy some male mags and be normal...
I really have been very very sad. I just feel that my social life's at a totally fuck shit end. I mean, i can help but really just keep thinking about records and hang out at book stores. ITs pretty chronic the situation really. Yesterday at border's i saw this girl i hadnt seen in a long time. I used to have the hots for her and all, but.. oh yeah they were playing Fucking dashboard confessionals when i saw her. She was the the end of the aisle where they have the listening stations on my right. I was browsing and u know the "should i say hi thing" well i dunno, My precog abilites just spelt what's the point of saying hi? Romance? No fucking time... Friendship? also no fucking time cause i wont have a handphone in camp.. Im really having this automatic snap in my mind that just says who needs anyone else. I take a step back after that, i just left border's without saying hi although i was clear that she knew it was me. I was thinking that i could call her out on the weekends and shit, quite pass the intial impressions. I was really affected. Suddenly, all this time just staying at home, not turning on the icq, avoiding calls and at the same time, resisting the urge to call someone because i need to sleep, actually is a problem.
My sister yesterday told me she heard my grandma go into her room in the middle of the night. Btw she's been dead for two years? three years? My sis heard feet shuffling towards the couch near her bed. She used to shuffle her feet when she walked because she fell down once really bad. She heard the cushions moving and could feel grandma sit down. I had just come back from border's and being out with bran when my sis told me that. What had happened before still hung and i was really thinking hard about what to do. upon hearing that grandme's being visiting started openly challenging her to come back and visit me. it sounded quite rude really come to think of it. The truth is i really want talk to her. When she died i was very affected by it. seriously. It was quite complicated. EVerytime i got heartbroken, i used to talk to her in cantonese (or whatever i remembered), closing my eyelids really tight and pretend that it actually increases the chances of reaching her. I really missed her alot. The worst thing is that i really missed the chance to really understand her.
im not asking for help again haha... im just saying that im quite sad. I thinking i know wat to do lah. ANyway ive gotta be getting ready for mass. After that im off for camp, about the out of course thing. I can see this far, because that's the only way i can take this whole thing, a day at a time, and right now, my ankle hurts or is it my head? or something deeper..
god bless u all.
Sunday, September 1, 2002 05:16 p.m.
stuff#0 BRand new!!read the previous two also!!brand new!!! souns in the head: Carpenters' greatest hits, Big star's #1 record/radio city, elvis costello's painted from memory, The cranberries' no need to argue and the pretty thing's parachute. OKay.. im listening to the carpenters writing this..
Well, this is my last super entry before i close of this whole page of army stuff. So's ive been chocking up the previous ones with my trademark super talk cock, truly it is emotional garbage.. hahhaha.. and marcus says his is. *wink*.... ok ok.. im trying to be a writer.. u noe pick up writing habits like that here and there, have that furious passion for writing stuff and all. Hahah, ceaslessly engaging myself in conversation with myself, sad... that word comes up so often in carpenters songs. "superstar"'s playing in the com.
tomorrow ill be starting on my unit life, so that's why im closing all these entries concerning my baby walks into true manhood in the SAF.. yes Unit life. Boring and frustrating at the same time, it is what every man must go through, real training. Its no more that angsty i can do it stuff anymore, its more of the .... ermm.. life must carry on thingie. Oh well, after all its at nee soon, being there for the next two years isnt going to help with my exposure to other parts of singapore.. the pasir ris and tampines area was quite refreshing, not saying that i know the place damn well lah.
Today, i watched "the last days of disco" with kate beckinsale in it. Its a really nice movie, dialogue's abit too smart for itself but characters quite off beat from your romi and michelles. Kate beckinsale's really good in the movie as a girl looking to widen her circle of friends, she gets introduced to this uber cool disco club and meets a regular group of weekenders. You've got des, who dumps his girlfriends by telling them that his gay and just realised it three days ago. His realisation triggered of by watching a documentary and seeing a very incredibly cute blonde boy.. hmmm. Well its bullshit. Kate and her room mate have a conversation in the toilet about how women should get in on with the guys instead of vice versa. She goes on saying how she doesnt want to be like those women in 1950 films always waiting by the phone for the guys to call them. Kate's a lill shy but willing. Post bra-burner feminism grows up at the end of the seventies. Yuppie culture and skinny ties replace varsity tees and bell bottoms. New wave replaces disco, and punk rock get blurred in between the underground and mainstream. The 80's.. sigh....
well what does that movie have to do with this?? Well, it got me really thinking about things. I was talking to someone on the net this afternoon, it was a really long time since ive spoken to this person. We were talking and all yeah, how u do's and all, the funny funs, then i slotted in something like "ive been thinking alot these days". Ive been thinking of talking to her about this to her in particular but, it kinda got lost in the conversation. I wonder how? So i guess i decided its back to the same old blog to bash out these things.
one disturbing thing ive developed, is, tunnel vision. I have the abilty now to totally ignore any attractive girls that walk pass me. Imagine me, actually going to town not looking at girls!! okay.. if i were to look at girls i should be buying maxim or something right. Hahah.. i dunno, its just funny, it just shows that my libido's going down, it means that im growing up, hopefully not to the point where ive got to depend on viagra when im twenty eight.
I also discovered the best situation to go to tower or hmv or something, any record store or book store (has to be big btw). Well, i was at tower the other day, monday that is, and it wasnt very crowded there and all, so it was a nice casual relaxing browse and all. I kinda notice the girl at the counter, she was pretty really, has the kind of nose that turns upwards, a lill chubby cheeks (hahaha), ponytail with a red scrungie and this sweet flower print shirt the kind that ud think cowgirls would wear. It was nice really, i was browsing and well, admit to taking a few looks, but i was in control, telling myself to focus on the task of browsing!! Yeah, there was this wierd tension when i was at "A" section, she went behind me to get some stuff or something, that was when i noticed to ponytail and the shirt. It was then def leppard's X, well the new album played and it sounded good. It felt like some scene in the eighties in some lonely record store, it was like me the customer and bored lonely cashier girl (she was really all alone, the rest of the staff was no where!!). I kept pretending i was in tight leather pants and that torn sleeveless shirt with "YOuth gone wild" printed on it. Well, the fantasy kinda ended when i entered my pin no. for my card wrongly. I was like fuck. WEll.... oh well.. nvm..
Well, i dreamt a dream today. It felt kinda forced out of me really. I watched this biopic today on hallmark channel about Legendary Dj Alan Freed, who basically brought and coined the term, Rock and roll in the where it is today. He this missionary, spreadin the beat on his radio show. PLaying stuff from bo diddley, the teenagers and later on buddy holly and jerry lee lewis. It was realy inspiring, until the point where you know things start to fuck up, even it didnt, where would be the drama in a bio pic right??
So's i was dreaming that i wanna be this super humble and contended Dj playing music. Like no frills and all, no tattoos or shite, no cheesy shite endorsements on tv or posters. I keep thinking of pianos, warm afternoons, yellow and green, that nice echo when u have in an old house. yeah, the nice thing about Alan freed was that he always had his wife around, his kids and all. The drama happened when he started having difficulty fitting them into his rock and roll circus ringmaster lifestyle, already moving away from cleveland to new york, he had to be at hollywood to host his own tv programme. He never really did fix things really, it was compromise between the two of them that wasnt clearly played out in the movie. I guess it was one of those things that they got used to after a while... it gets me thinking really hard of things two years ago..
im contended with things now. CArpenters playing now on the speakers ("goodbye to love"'s playing now). I listen to what i want to listen to. I dont read the newspapers much nor watch the telelvision. Im reading my old favourite books, like alice in wonderland. ALthough it kinda gets cold sometimes, i get sad. During the night in tekong i would look up at mother moon and see all stars and just really u know, look at them and i get this nice chill up my spine that reminds me of that first date when u just meet her. Its nice really, looking at them makes me feel special sometimes, sometimes it makes me feel alone, but its okay being alone with the stars and the moon. If loneliness is a state of mind then true love is too, isnt it? There was this one day i was looking at this cloud on the other side, the silver lining side.. u get it.. the other side.. hahah.. okay okay it tough describing it. It nice, they say that male art is individualistic and masochistic and therefore is impure!! Female art on the other hand is more attuned to nature and beauty or something and is therefore true!! Read that in some article about feminism in art or something. It true to a certain extent, but... hahah..
i shall end my super long entry with a short ending. I hope that everything's fine and stop finding my website by searching for something like sexy women with stretch marks in yahoo!! shit... hahaha.. shows how sexy my site is actually. anyways.. wish me all the best. And i hope that u know why ur buying that camera. ITs alot more than a camera, the same goes for why i buy a new guitar.. but then i havent.. i wonder why btw.. hahaha! take care and i really am sad... in a nice fairy tale way.. thank you karen carpenter.. your songs are so lovely.. (i cannot believe i said that but if uve been listening them for the past hour plus i would!! TRUST ME!!)
well... ive got lot of distractions now while im writing this and all. Ill be amking this my last entry for the whole page... and then ill be renewing it..
I was busy watching tv, catching up with the shows and shit, when i came across that seventies show, "great" i was happy to be seeing it. The episode had an angel guy (played by the fat cop who dates the amazon from third rock from the sun), foreman had broken up with donna and was escorted by the angel thru the different shit and all.
im cutting away some reall stuff... like little things and all..
heard that closure only comes when the other knows truly and understands what im going thru...
evenagelion is something u should watch. Best piece... a truly emotional presentation cunningly disguised as science fiction robot
fun....
]
ruined.. really.. hahah.. cant help but feel the end is near..
have u ever wondered what people dream..
it all seems like a fevered dream u noe... stars and all...
it just feels so soft inside and today its feeling really soft...
asuka would fuck me over sometimes..
peoples roles change like rei to asuka to misato..
i wish i wish....
i smile only i chatr with u over the net because im thinking maybe u can see my smile.. hahah.. just like singtel operaters..
neon evengelion really got me thinking about alot of things really...
conncections between our past and how we are today.. about how our deepest emotions and all really affects the world around us. Its scary... all the raw emotions just keep feedbacking all over the place.. its surreal.. but it is really real..
Today's Libra Horoscope
September 23 - October 22
Life is about to get a little more complicated. These may not be the easiest few days for Libras in relationships. An uncomfortable intensity with your partner drives you to seek companionship elsewhere. Everyone needs a break from time to time. It's up to you to decide whether 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' or 'out of sight, out of mind' more accurately describes the situation. Joining in a group activity this evening may lighten your mood.
im slowly thinking that the end is always getting closer and closer... the end of something really... it may not be the end of sadness or happiness or something.. unoe.. just something... something';s ending..
im losing my healthy complexion... im losing it.. or rather am i gaining it?? what's happening...
its not something that stops at status quo or something it just ends.. like black screen. no the end words and all. no bright colors... just the warm black.. with a little bit of buzz... that's it..
ive regretted always treating my love like its just phase and all.. ive learnt that when someone u love is there... treat her like the world.. really its alot different reading what i just wrote because it just sounds chessy and shit.. writing it.. or rather typing it.. at least i noe.. well they say its better not to regret really.. but.. after u realise this.. u find that uve lost anything for even loving someone else.. extra.. u love not for yourself... u love for others.. and u start this thing about being with family and friends.. its better i guess.. there are some things that i whisper just to miss the ears of those i love.. at least i tried.. they say that the radiohead album's all about trying really.. try try try.. hahah... oh bother..
Wednesday, August 28, 2002 12:24 a.m.
Long time being not seeing eh... Souns In the head: Black rebel motorcycle club's spread your love single, Primal scream's miss lucifer single, Melt banana's collected live, Jason lowenstein's at six and sevens and Elvis costello's my aim is true...
U will no believe what in the world made me feel like updating this time... Its the Cocteau Twins!! Hahahah.. for those who are uninitiated u should really, i guess its true once you've heard a little of them u'll never forget it. I remember playing milk and kisses everytime i would be with my girl friends. Hahha, yeah... there this time i had it on in my walkman on a bus with my girlfriend hugging me... Hee hee.. If i remember, it was after school, met her at the bus terminal and we were going over to my place. Yeah it was really nice. I still played that album after that, always u know, wallpaper music for some sweet loving and all. Now, i really feel like getting heaven or las vegas, but.. its Wrong!! I mean.. i feel really guilty of listening to super beautiful music and letting go, i dont mean to listen to liz fraser's voice and jerk off mind u!! Yeah... oh well, chen's working at coffee bean and i shall discuss this dilemma with him, "The cocteau sin: To dream or not to dream". Hahahah..
well if youre wondering what the fuck am i doing upadating my pafe on a monday well.. its because ill be booking in to my new camp which has TO STraiGht buSes To my place, which equates to The camp being... DisGusTingLY Near!! ho haha1! Still, as i said in my earlier entry that im a little head low about this posting thing. yeah im out of tekong, but strangely im beginning to miss it. After a while of booking and out, i guess i managed to adapt to the pains of getting on the fast craft and all by thinking its like living my life somewhere. Im not Shaun "Loser-good-for-nothing-naughty-depressed-easily-emotional-okay-looking" Soh in tekong, Im really just Shaun. I really miss my bunk mates really, six months ive been with them almost every fucking day, those hours spent with them stink of flatulence, stolen chocolate bars and soya bean milk (oppps.. forget the fags..). I guess we really treated each other in some way that's really... i really do not know how to oput it down really. I guess for those who have been in the army are just waiting for me to put in words what that feeling is.. im sorry my abilities fail me today.. hahhah.
ANyway, i just want to say a big thanks to those guys. I really am very very very lucky to have u fuckers. Christy, ALvina, Norma jean and Kelivinia thanks a million. Youre all the best bitches to be with in a whorehouse as hot as tekong. And of course chris has bitching about this.. THANKS A LOT CHRIS!! U WERE MY PACER WHEN I DID MY ALL TIME BEST SOC TIMING!!! YOUR BITCH SLAPPING HELPED MY ALOT!! I AM NOW SO MUCH BETTER AS A MAN!! U ARE ANTHONY ROBBINS!!....... there u go.. hahhaah. Guys, if u read this, all the best really to ASLC, im really sorry i couldnt go in. As for chris, it is the time to be chuck norris... As for alvin... it is time for u to be either Ringo lam or Jackie chan.. hou ma??
as for the rest ill spread it over the next few entries, its tiring thinking about army really. sigh.... now ive got this really bad wisdom tooth and it really hurts like shit. It just makes me really not feel like doing anything, let alone talk. So for those who've called but i didnt get your call sorry, i was in terrible pain.
Yesterday, went jamming with speed camera which was really great!! i guess im already more confident playing bass for them and all, and im happy with that cause im really digging the songs and all. Recorded some more stupid songs and all again, this time, i think i sing better with my tooth ache.. hmmm. After which i went for the last mass held as holy spirit, well not exactly really, but the last on this week. Yeah.. shit, there it is another long thing to write about.. hahhah. Isnt life really full of things to write about really. Sometimes i really wish that i could have time to just write one book about the day before, a few books on the day before and then i'd start on the day after.. and the after and the after.. haha. Nice dream really.
okay we'll leave out the church thing for now, its really sad but hahah, ive said goodbye to quite a few things. I was at mass the other day when i met paul , an old friend that i havent seen in a longtime. We were in the old choir loft in the church which has been converted to extra seating. We were talking about old times and all, nostalgia has never extended this far in a long time in this conversation really, we were talking about when i first was in the youth group and all. We went into the times when i used to play guitar for the youth masses, the prayer meets, the christmas plays and the people we've met. Most importantly the sacrifices, at that point i was thinking that the greatest sacrifice was that new year's when we did praise and worship. I was on guitar and mel and herry were the worship leaders. I was suppose to go for some other thing really that was really important and all but i had to do the thing. Actually come to think of it there've been greater ones. Shit, just like celine dion, im going "ITS ALL COMING BACK TO ME NNOOOOOOOOoooOOWWWWWWWW!!!!" fuck, sigh... okay i shall condense... wait did i say in the beginning of the paragraph that i would "leave the church thing out"?? oh well..
then me and paul came to topic of what we missed the most, and he said something like he missed the old me the most. Seriously no one has ever made that distinction of the old me and now me for a long time, except as a reason for my romantic breakdowns. i was taken aback really, i really didnt know what to say. I know the old me really. I dont want to really revisit that old me, i really dont want to. It makes me think of somethings that i really want to forget. I think of the sunday sun, the warmth, the hot asphalt, the laughter, the songs, the love, the despair, the help i got, hahah.... i remember youth group meetings used to be on fridays and i would meet this girl i really liked then. So to like u noe, hint to her, i brought down my walkman with the cure's friday im in love. I asked her to listen to it, while waiting for her mom outside the book shop. Hahha... yeah.. there used to be this place in church in the car park where i would see the stars and it would be so nice... i remember telling her so much..
I told paul that its somewhere, the old me. I guess when the new church comes up it might be around. The passion fro doing things for the church and all, even though it wasnt around or rather i was running away from it, god never left me alone. The old me was always in love, always in love with you. Now me is just fascinated by the idea of true love and all, moved by reason its easy to say that loneliness is just astate of mind, especially after being through so much. Somehow, i prefer being in love with you, rather than just deconstructing this and that and this connects to that. there werent any rules set down then, haha.. of course.. i missed you the most.
sorry about the long entry..thank you for listening..
INT:Room
STABBING WESTWARD's bizzare love triangle playing on the COMPUTER.
PAN OUT.
FADE TO BLACK
Monday, August 26, 2002 11:58 a.m.
make me a channel..... Souns in dah head: The june spirit, drowningman loves you ep, my vitriol's in between the faultlines, Massive attack's mezzanine and X's more fun in the new world.....
Oh kay.. from today onwards!! U SHALL ADDRESS ME as CPL Shaun SOH!!!!!!! Hahahhahaa.. yeah ive passed out.. apologies to those ive not contacted because ive been really busy doing stuff.. like getting myself on mental status quo for passing out and all. Yeah ive got a very bad toothache and it hurts like hell really.
i feel very sad really that i have to leave me mates.. more on it tomorrow. Im feeling really tired really, much more relieved i guess. I kinda feel left out that i didnt go ASLC with the rest of my best friends... sigh its like u spend all your time with these guys, its almost like a long romance novel.. Ermmm.. ahhahah.. nvm.. BTW ill be going to The school of Combat engineering. Yeah... its nearer and all the camp but other than that.. I seriously have heard nothing else other than its fucking hell there... SAikang madness and all.. fuck.. im pretty scared really. dont understand.... sigh..
oh well lots have happened without me wanting it to so's i;ll be sleeping... im really tired.. love love love lvoel ove
Friday, August 23, 2002 11:47 p.m.
Back in black..... hahahhah Sounds in my head: (cheesy shit time) Linkin park's RE-animation, staind's break the cycle, Korn's Follow the leader, velvet crush's teenage symphonies from heaven and Faultline....
one more day to go.. i wont be writing much cause im saving my things and shite for tomorrow. Hahaha. Well it doesnt have any significance if i dont think back, so is it worth it thinking about it??
well i finished Neil Gaiman's stardust and its a beautiful book, funny and scary at the same time. It looks like my obssession with stars and everything in the sky may pay off really, u all should really read the book and not the graphic novel, it leaves alot more for the imgaination and acts better as a story, mirror of ourselves (isnt what they say about books?) Yeah.. its really sweet, the ending is how i wouldve wanted it to being the king of something bigger than uve always thought ud be.
well, im invited for a whole shitload of things this weekend and ... i dont noe. Today i was supposed to head down to zouk for a party, saturday's my friend's b-dae party at the ultra slick cool embargo. I dont noe why but things like that i dont excited. its really funny... its like people shit and piss and go pubbing.. okay okay warped theory and all hahahah.. but u get the idea. Im thinking that im really really starting to look pretty wierd, let alone act wierd, and the scariest part is that im concious of it! some times i really wonder what im going to become when i work... i really want a desk job writing for a magazine, sitting in my little dilbert cubicle living my own world in the small cave. COOL.. like hermit. Oh yeah bran's cousin had an all girl party today that i didnt want to go cause i was tired. So what the fuck am i doing on the COM!??! Friends call me on the handphone and i dont call back... WHat is wrong with me?!?!?!? Im paranoid when people call me cause im afraid they might ask me wierd things... etc etc etc..
in the stardust i love the way neil gaiman describes the stars and i relate to it. STars are always aplenty in the skies, the night skies and all, but always alone. Still, they shine bright bright in the skies, always observing the world and doing all sorts of things to people and all. stars are always amused at how people down below them, look up at them and feel like they're on the top of the world, like their the only individuals in the whole world, like the galaxy's attention's on them alone. hahahah, its nice.. i dunno.. i feel like a .. STAR!! Ermmmm... okay okjay... aiyah..
oooppss.. im nto supposed to write much.. well tomolo its the same old thingie.. hahha.. prayer and thanksgiving.. not much heart here and no soul..
just recorded a rocknroll song on myy four track hahha.. someday it'll become a hit single!! complete with cheesy shit stream of nonsenseness lyric that makes me blush. Tomorrow i will start my elvis costello collection, yes.. its time. SEE U!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay.. im feeling alot better now. Spent the whole day revisiting all these nice old albums hahah, and well got some new ones too. WAs re-reading sandman and lots of national enquirer/ star tabloids that were lying around the house. Well, movie that u should not watch when u are having a headache is moulin rouge. It will i repeat GIVE U A HEADACHE!!! no matter how nice and soft things can be, the total Chaos of all things of the revolution Will make your head hurt more!! oh well....
well im pretty worried now, my sergeant just called and asked me why im not back, and im like my mc's for three days, he then just said bye and wanted to put down the phone
. good thing i managed to get him back to ask him the time for the fastcraft im taking tomolo. Sigh... im missing an important exercise actually... fuck.. i really hate situations like this when im really sick and i want to do things so badly, and when i come to terms with my horrible condition, it's time to leave the comfort of the bed for more shite. I then start thinking why in the first place did i get so anxious over missing things when i get sick. Its the same old cycle really. The guilt trip, compromising with the situation then the regret. Hahahha, sounds like a cheesy goth album ala STABBING WESTWARD!!!! hmph.. sorry... they rock lah really.. why no one believe me??
well im feeling much better now, thanks to some spiritual cleansing lying on my bed and listening to nusfrat fateh ali khan and reading about the princess of monaco and hollywood stars (e.g. cher and laura hutton) taking hormone pills in star. Sometimes u just have to love tabloids, i wish i could write in a tabloid. The journalist elite, down and dirty, like how the specialists are like in the army HahaHhaha! yeah! Suddenly, im reminded of this time when i was with mel at border's, she was looking for a copy of life magazine (if im not wrong it was already discontinued at that time.). So's, we ask the one of the guys there if they had it, and well, they didnt have a fucking clue what life magazine is. They must've thought it was some stupid joke going "Death magazine's back there on the road behind the building. Just go there and a car will be on the way there to send u a copy STraight from the USA!!".EERrrrmmm... quite wrong.
well its four more days to national day, and i have a great balls feeling that i have to go back to tekong on national day itself. HAhah, sigh... i still have exercise nutcracker and ermm... oh yeah chemdef. Oh well, it might as well be school all over again yes? I wonder what im going to miss on national day? It seems too obvious to be real now, it wont be much of a difference then frankly thinking. In view of all the dreams ive been having, its changed from like smokey greys to reds to deep yellows to green, purple and black. Quite interesting.. i feel like getting the new Korn tomorrow, its quite good u know serious.( now where did that thought come fROM!!) U noe what i want for my birthday?? get your pens and paper-roos, a GYROTONIC MACHINE!!! hahah, hey i used to take pilates okay.. so it works...
Hardcore ally macbeal lovers... watch out for david e.kelly's new legal drama Girls club. That means u. hahah goodnight....
Monday, August 5, 2002 09:47 p.m.
Sick as sick can be.. Soundz inmy head: Big star's #1 record and radiocity, The replacements, Faultlines and more and more more more more more more more wierd dreams..
well im really sick. That's it.. im now on the com just trying to make the best out of my time. My fever really flunctuates, well this morning when i went to see the doctor my tempreture was for 40.04 degrees. Yeah.. its a really high fever and had to be injected up my ass. *blush* yeah... well i got a three day mc which isnt very very good, ill be missing some things thats for sure. PLus it seems that my sprained ankle is alot more than it seems really.. showed the doctor and its kinda of a ligament tear and all. Shit man.. And my back hurts.. Im disintergrating!!
last night i had a million wierd dreams, kinda like really crosswired memories, im not jokin. It was really so insane that i was really crying. Its like for example being in class in secondary school with a rifle and a milk bottle in one hand and getting punished for being unfaithful to my parents. My army mates are my school classmates and my ex girlfriends are my parents. My mom's my sister and my dad's this guys i dont like in my school bunk. Its fucking madness... it just felt all black, green and purple. Just like the other day i had this wierd one of my ex and her boyfriend coming to visit me in primary school for winning an art contest on people in the mrt. Then thru out the whole dream the tip of my tongue tasted like ribena.
i was so tossing and turning in bed, kinda was smsing people to talk to if not the dreams would go on. Most of the time im having a fucking bad headache or trembling from the cold. Im drinking alot of this totally funky grass jelly drink. Oh yeah got my mom to borrow moulin rouge from ez video because i needed to badly erase the memory of the movie i saw last night on AXN, Which was SHeena. "who are you?", "why... i am Sheena!". Hmmmm... sheena is this blonde tarzan type person who has this wierd shaman woman as her "mother" who can contact her by pressing her fingers to her forehead. Sheena the movie starts off with sweeping strings and orchestra boom klangs marking the arrival of sheena!! Who is scantily clad in african wear (which means, braless, lots of leg and messy hair), sheena is riding a zebra across the african plains to somewhere!! Sheena has control over the animals!! SHEEna has eyes that are bright blue!! So's her shaman mother goes to the city to warn the prince of his assasination, at the same time the prince's brother (who used to be a higly paid football player who retires back in africa to serve his birthright as a prince) hires some cool meceneries to destroy the beautiful ZAMBULI!! At the same time, a handsome sports reporter and his rolly polly comedy relief cameraman are there to film how things are going for the prince when they discover that meceneries are around and film evidence of the prince's assasination. Highlight of the film is when Sheena saves her shaman mother by calling upon animals such as.. elephant, monkey and zebra, which means total destruction!! Sheena's animals manage to being down about twelve guards who all have this oh-my-god-its-mother-nature-im-amazed-scared-shit-mother, mix it with extremely dramatic orchestra and you get sheena !!!! AFRICAN BLONDE!!!
shit .. oh kay.. its the fever really.. anyways its amazin how much i can write eh. well its really a movie that u should catch. Its on ch 19 AXn yeah.. it rocks..
well im really needing some rest and sleep.. maybe ill watch moulin rouge, cause my mom rent the vcd from ez video. yeah... i spent too much energy writing about sheena and my wierd dreams.. oh man.. next time..
doubled boiled heart..... Soudns in my head: THe cranberries' no need to argue (the complete session 1994-1995.. check out the cover of close to you), Big star's 2 record thingie, FAultline's love mean you... (cameo by chris martin, michael stipe and wayne coyne.. SHIT@!! huh?? album of the day..), My vitriol and radiohead's pyramid song single..
WELll... firstly im having a fever, just finished excercise Le Grande Slamm.. FUck man damn fun.. Hahha well.. im pretty scared today really. dunnoe why.. today in orchard i kinda got really nervous everytime i head girls laughing and all. Pretty scary.. am i really becoming a paranoid android?? Is meteor garden worth a look see?? are things really what they seem??
well, i guess its weekends like that that pass fast u know.. the same old routine. Well.. im really beginning to think that im really wierd u noe. Well it all started with these few church mates i met, the pretty one asked me if i was gay. I was like HUh? Am i gay? they told me they got the impression because i keep hanging out with guys.. and i was like totally speechless..Am i so unimportant in their live that they have to ask me if im gay.. shit.. im really really totally strung out on things outside and all.
after that there was this jam on the way to orchard road and all. I had to get down at novena and take a bus and all.
I just kept feeling so bad really, i wanted to bury my head in something. I kept looking at the people in the mrt and i was going "shit shit hsit i am so not feeling well." i was like knowing it wasnt going to make a difference and all. Sigh... I was looking at all these people making mental pleads to say help me.. but true to the sispec tradition.. I was super garang and headed to kinokuniya to buy my books and meet the guys at borders ( im not gay.. )
well piss.. too much chestnut water and sugarcane...sigh... i met tons of people at border's which was funny.. border's is becoming VERYVERYVERY crowded.. and i do not like it. The move to kino for bookstore hopping quite good.. times has toilet cleaner as their staff.. and MAgnolia cafe?? hmmm... Was looking for the new neil gaiman though could bloody find it.. but FOUND THE FIRST BOOK FOR ELRIC@@!@!! ANGSTY MELACHOLIC WARRIOR!!! ROcks.. hahah but didnt buy it.. oh well..
well i better take my leave and trust me i do not sound like i do when my words are read really.. Btw book of the day.. Oscar wilde's Collected quotes.. chapters are of women, the world etc etc.. very very very powerful.. (IM NO GAY!!!!) POsitive alone.. hahaha.. that's it... national day's coming.. sigh.. no need to argue.. mix tape coming up for september gurls.. Write tomolo...
Sunday, August 4, 2002 12:22 a.m.
rock and rolling in the woods Sounds in my head: Liz phair's Fuck and run, Tori amos' from the choirgirl motel, neu's 75 and something else i cant remember... strange..
im am so fucking tired really.. but im okay.. hahha.. happy happy starstarstarstar..
yes another week is over, next weeek's week 7. A few more weeks and ill be a nice nice nice LCp.. and soon by next year i guess ill be a sergeant hahah.. well its going to be national day soon and i thini ill have to book in back to camo in the night and all. CAnt say i really enjoyed myself and all this weekened really. Well i bought sandman and love and rockets and shit to read at home. I really feel damn tired.
well i did my love firing the last week, it felt very very long. COuldve died along the way hahha... courage under fire. WEll i was suppose to write some stuff for next week to u noe.. well form some kind of tribute to all the meaningful things that happened on national the past years and all. Its nice really. Started listening to alot of tori amos again for some strange reason, well i still think that she mel reminds me of tori amos, well.. hahhaha. Yeah sigh.. i guess i really wont be talking alot about it to my friends and all. Since i really want to.. All i can do really is just to write about it which is just the same and actually talking about it right? After all there isnt much to say about it, cept to smile and feel great that something like that actually happened, changing everything anything pre and post.
well, yesterday couldnt make it to sonic edge and ended up meeting bran and his mom sisters and all. His sisters really aRE SO Cute... hahahh.. veyr vyer vyer vyer cute, and kept going on about gobstoppers and all. Well they're from china, and they're danish-chinese. Cute cute.. hahahha.. well. WE then had a hard time looking for a place to eat at ard like ten in the night at raffles city and all. It was a nice kind of crowded i guess, not too much on the head and light at heart. My head is really so numb now.
WEll we eventually went to raffles hotel eating at Ah teng's bakery which was really nice, ate this super funky cake while bran had this super caramel nut tart. BRan's sisters were super cute telling us jokes and showing me their prizes they won at some show at raffles city. It was nice really the place and all. Couldnt help notice this super poshy woman spending the whole time reading this programme for some play or something.
well its like my second time there since the last time, which was like wehn i was with mel and we went there to take funny pictures and all. hahahha, yeah.. those pictures were really stupid and all. Its was after my o's and all. If i remember correctly after that we went to her school's mid autumn festival and all. I was having this totally shit hair hahah and i remember buying Layla and other assorted love songs from raffles city. I remember one picture where i would look really shy and all that shit. There was one with her pointing at some diamonds in a window and ill be likr going "no no nono@!@!!" hahhaha. Well i guess ive learnt that there are some things that i have to do.. like u still have to buy diamonds for your loved one even if u think that things like that are not necessary at all. hahah... yeah i remember spending too much on miller, but wait i used most of moolah on fags for her... is it the same??
oh i remember we were there with her best friend, then that is, felicia. Hahah.. i wonder how's she now, met her the other day at border's and kept asking me whether she'd lost weight and all. After the Phototaking hahah, we went over to bugis to eat at some wierd funky chinese shop. I was really really embarassed at the fact that i didnt really know hoe to eat the stuff that they ordered, i kept my thing going i remember by bluffing and shit.
WE would go back to that area once in a while, i felt it was a better place to go on dates other than orchard. Oh bother... there was one time on national day, i was so stupid, i couldnt find a plce for us to eat and all. And we were crossing the road and having fun, and behind the building in front of us, i think it was the intercontinental hotel, the fire works were going off. It was very nice, both carelessly hand in hand just going across the street which didnt have many cars and allwith the fire works.. hahah.. really i dont bother going into so much more detail.
soon, in like a few years time, 9th august and its meaning would to fade and fade, but somehow its something worth keeping close. Its something really nice hahah....
Ill just keep going on focusing, hell eyah.. and concentrate on my sand man thing hahahh... slow starter on sandman i am. Oh yeah.. i think that i write the worst lyrics in the universe. Well i hope everything;'s going to be fine tomorrow in the woods while pet shop boys rock out... fuck...i hate this man.. oh kay.. im leaving now!!
take care and god bless..
Sunday, July 28, 2002 02:37 p.m.
Starstarstars #2 Sounds in my Head: Ida, My vitriol, Last days of april's angel youth and lisa loeb..
well ive got a few more minutes before i leave to book in and all so i decided to write abit on the com.. dunno why.. hahah. Yeah just came back from mass and all had to rush a lill cause i guess i wanted to relax abit first. Havent been feeling too well since i went for jason's lill b-day shindig last night. Went there with trina who's leaving on wednesday to sydney.
yeah at mass, bumped into Mel at the usual communion line and all. I felt kinda ermm.. shy? yeah.. i kinda knew it was her from the back and,u noe the curly hair and all. sOmehow i was figuring that it wasnt really her, i guess its in the jeans or something u noe. Well went she turned ard it was her alright and she let go one nice smile which was directed at jerry who was in front of me. hahah, guess she didnt see me.. somehow i kept avoiding letting her see me. Yeah i know im really looking funny with my Russel crowe galdiator style hair cut.. Hahhaa.. ok ok.. just let me have the benefit of having the damn HAIR CUt kay!!
well i rushed off to 7 eleven to get to usual milk chocs and all, man ilove milk chocs, for the next week. Its going to be tiring yeah? sigh.. im thinking whether or not to bring ida u noe. Now that i actually have to cd, evrytime i hear it it just keeps reminding of how i wanted mel to sing with me when we played songs and all. unfortunately, its kinda really out of point now really. I remember years back when i came up with some stupid lyrics in the upper room in chruch while staying back to help out with the usual youth group meetings and all. Mel was there and yeah.. i had a crush on her and shit and made up a lill song where i think we both sang.. one of those nice songs with nusery rhymes and stardust that makes night nice. Well, i cant really remember how it sounded but it was me on guitars and shit, i had it recorded on my cassette tape recorder but.. dunno where it go. The other guys were all getting all laughy laughy at the song. Hahhahahaa.. its funny just like going back to school things are like so distant after youre in a different evironment.
after we broke up, it was some youth mass or something and we were playing for it. The last one that is. Suddenly i wanted so badly to play something that she could sing along to as if it was some japanese drama serial or something. Well we ended up playing linger by the cranberries for her after the mass was over. It was really funny that day coz we ended up wearing the same blue tops and shit. Hahha.. Uncomfy and all.. u noe lah.. break up already then so coincidential. Yeah she sounded really good that day i remember.. mustve been all the practices with the Ntu jam band and all.
well here's my lill ditty story for u to learn to sing. Well she looked great today really, its like kinda how i wish she would look at me and say like "hey shaun look pretty good Today" too. Hahhaha.. eyah yeah.. i dont think she saw me anyway. Its like she went to the army or something. She had this totally dusk-like pink top it was nice.
okay the reason why im doing this is because i feel that i dont want to think about this too much and its better to let it all out like this rather than lingering on it and feeling shit because noone would listen to me talk about this. WEll actually im too chicken shit to talk about things like that anymore. Hahha.. i feel so much better today.. just like last week when i saw her and had to rush off. Hahha.. i dont see the need to say that im happy because i saw her or anything like that, because all i need is for me to know it. smile smile... and see u next week..... hahahah..
Sunday, July 21, 2002 07:39 p.m.
my mind is full of starstarstars SOunds in my head: Ida, Weezer's maldroit, TRizteza, Tori amos' to venus and back, My vitriol's finelines... fucking good album.. its like meeting an old friend or girl that u havent seen a long time.. very very sweet.. amazing how Can this album sound like most of the things i love.. hee hee so drama..
well its sunday and it goes on and on for the next few years. Im going back to camp at nin o clock, the pure monotony of booking in and out is totally contrary to the madness back in camp. Well i went back to school yesterday and yeah... to collect my certificate and all. WEll my a levels cert that is. WEll spoke to My teacher and have come to a conclusion that i will not touch anything doing with business or accounting ever again, cept maybe when it comes to u noe what.. In addition, I seriously think that i want to stay a bachelor. Hahhaha.. ok ok.. too far.. sigh.
well it was pretty surreal back there in Ji, actually paid alot of attention to things. On the bus to school that goes pass Bukit timah road, this whole stretch that passes nanyang girls, hwa chong college, National jc and all. Its funny how u see all these things and u start to feel certain things wanting their way in. I went pass hwa chong and saw the students doing their basketball and games and shit, it started feeling. Just not thinking about it made all the more louder than its supposed to be. All the biege t-shirts with the red chinese words.. hahah..
well met billie at school hahah, been a long time since ive seen her really, Sorry!! SAw desmond too who's in the commandos doing a medic course. I met my teacher who kinda counselled me last year when i snapped and cracked, she was nice and kept reminding me of my mental health, and she was really nice cause i could see that was genuinely worried that i went mad in the army or something. Met miss teh and talked on and on like some u noe old students in the teachers room, wait i am an old student. Yeah soon she shal convince me to take up teaching, wow... cant wait.. teach english and be single then students would wonder whether or not im gay.. har har.
its funny how these few days ive been seeing miller in my dreams. Its always like she's there weird huh. Well i lost one of the photographs in my wallet, she gave me two, on coloured one with her eyes too wide and the other with this gorgeous smile that's tough to get on photo, i lost the former. Oh btw i still keep them hahah in my wallet, not that i look at them and whisper sweet nothings to them. I remember i always kept the photos to remind myself that all girls are bitches.. whoops.. i meant girls i love always hate me in the end, and ill hate myself and vice versa.. hahah.. no lah not that chia lat.but seriously come to think of it i really am unsure of why i keep them photos. Battlescars? Pimplescars? Stretchmarks?
ok i shall leave u all with these fluffy airy thoughts and all, and oh yeah.. i smelt something that i havent smelt in a long time at borders really, it made me feel very happy indeed. I will write again next week to entertain more melodrama yes? hahhha.. starstarstarstars.. ill promise u a star...
Sunday, July 21, 2002 02:04 p.m.
Same old song and dance Hear me ROAR!!! Sounds in my head: CAp'n Jazz, Sonic youth's murray street, Echo and the bunnymen, Madder rose, Letters to cleo and Planning to get the new jennifer paige album.. hee hee..
well im back again.. its like ten plus in the morning and its getting pretty nice and cold. A really great time to be at home nice. Oh well its been a tough week and all, like how i nearly died from carrying the bloody signal set and all. Hahahha.. well im already half way thru, and it feels good to know that i passed my SOC, like i only did it like four times including during BMTC, im so prOUD!! hahaha... no lah.. i nearly died also at the final run.. had the WORLD's BIggest Headache and all.
Well im reading Neil Gaiman' book stardust and its really good. like faery sex and all Hahhah!ok sorry... but its really a very nice book. I really so enjoy reading all these fairy tales and all, it always starts out the same u know nice children and shit.. oh well.. i wonder what next really. Btw it suppose to be an adult fairy tale... so ta dah! well i was writing alot during the whole time in sispec so if i do happen to die, just be so kind as to read all that ive written leave it on some table at some void deck and hopefully my nonsense will reach some body.AH bull shit!! u pretentious POMP!!!
ill be leaving the house soon to head back to JI to collect my certificate. Yeah the a levels certicficate and all, Oh bother really, its like.. sigh.. i know its going to heavy on me really. ok out of point thing in my head... i always sing no regrets when i noe im going to get confined or fucked for something ive done wrong.. wierd?!!!?!?1. OK... yeah and its parent's day somemore.. so's.. hahah. Wow its really being a long time, its scary that i remember my very hard third eyar the most .. funny really.
ok i take my leave. later on ill be Seein Jason. HAppy birthday JAy... may u erm.. rock out?? didnt i say the same thing like six years ago to you?? hhahha.. i guess we're still the same fuckers we were running around everywhere.. now 21 ah... U ARE LORENZO LAMAS!!! sigh.. thinking about something... tear drop on the fire... later
Saturday, July 20, 2002 10:11 a.m.
did i scare u?? that wasnt me at all.. Sounds in my head: Rise and fall of ziggy stardust 30th anniversery edition, Madder Rose, Echo and the bunnymen's Ballyhoo, Muse's hulabullo (is that how u fucking spell it??) and some nonsense from Jewel..
hullo........ladies and gentlmen this is sierra soh...
Okay's so's ill miss the Pet shop boys concert. Anyone can help me? So's again ill be missing other other things. Well at least i can catch echo and the bunnymen with the crystal days boxed set, i guess.
its been a hard week really, spending time in between section fire and movement with inflames and black metal courtesy of my naughty bunk mates and all. I guess its not so bad coz i get to put make up on most of the time. Im okay.. hahah..really... just feeling abit sinister and all the last weekend, guess proning and all does make u feel better. Always TAKE COVER AND CONCEAL!!!
well its week 4 and week 5 next, itll be just a few more weeks... 5 more weeks and ill be a coporal.. rocking eh.. then ill get more money and get me a stinking Ian Maculloch set up for my guit and ROCK and Roll OVER THE WALL!! Oh boy dont u love ALL that JAZZ like ocean Rain!! Sigh..
this afternoon couldve looked like something like out of an ocbc commercial really, nice sun, nice everything else in orchard road. It was so crowded and all, i had a hard time breathing!! Met up with bran and all and he was sick and all. Sad... well..
i have to say this once.. BUT EVERYBODY MUST OWN ECHO AND THE BUNNYMEN's PORCUPINE BECAUSE IT IS THE MOST POWERFUL ALBUM IN THE WORLD!! hahah.. life now.. post pumpkins' so different really. Afterall, zwan is still not really the pumpkins and all. intended to watch black hawk down and all, but i was too tired, ended with me and chen in my room listening to cheap trick and judas priest.. u roger me?
was supposed to drink like mad today and meet up with my section mates (notice the diff between bunk and section mates... ) yeah at zouk. I wont go deep inside.. anyways... good night.. This has been a shaun soh sit rep.. OUt.
no one reads this.. Im so fucking pissed.. i hate all this shit about the world serious.. MAn fuck.. Who LISTENS TO ECHO AND BUNNYMEN!!! THEY ROCK SO MUCH!! Just Go Check out Bring on the horses!!! Shit man.. i hate everything.. serious.. Being in sispec has made things so much worse.. and im NOt going to whimper and say its all shit really.. i hate it.. im going to crack up really.. God please.. Im really suffering but hahahha.. thanks to my brilliant acting ala cover.. Im so cool.. man.. im really so tired.. i really havent got anything much to look forward too outside of camp.. let alone anywhere else really.. god.. bring on the horses.. sigh// i really wish that i had someone.. god... if this is loneliness and pain and despair and god forbid hell.. i promise i will not listen to anything that has to do with 80's stuff
or the jesus and mary chain.. god.. its really crappy.. i cannot believe it im listening to choc tigre's as if.. hahah.. yeah those were the days huh.. yeah i remember when mel bought me a drink when we had the first few gigs.. fuck there's nothing to dedicate what i do to.. yeah of course for myself and mom and dad. really... i guess i want something closer to the heart really.. and what's the fucking use of a heart when everyone's so fucking caught up with fucking SEX and SHIT AND BUsy BEing SExy And TrendY and liek tHE COVER oF FUCKING Flirt maGAzINe Or even FUcking SPin MAGaZINe... fuck man.. I hate this world really.. if im going to have to change myself ill Do it.. really.. but how.. im not asking for help really. i really have been keeping things in again really.. why do i keep doing that.. i tell bran stuff and all.. but its always not everything.. im sorry.. I just cannot take this nonsense for the next two years.. Maybe ill take this shit for the next two years.. in return for the most beautiful two years i had with mel yeah.. i guess that's it.. im giving the world back it gave me.. Yeah.. that's It. Hahaha.. sigh.. ill admit i was disappointed when i didnt see her at mass and all. Oh theres this really pretty girl in church that i live but i HATE to SEe her because i turned down her number when she gave it to me last time.. i am so stupid right.. fuck.. these days im really feeling that i have qualms about living my life as a bachelor really..
yeah i also hate girls.. one moment they're in JC and they give this whole bullshit about hating smokers and keeping celibate and all that fuck shit they promote everywhere and they go like anabelle chong in Uni and.. god.. i shouldnt be pegion holing pple and all.. WHat's wrong.. im really so frustrated.. fuck man.. i seriously hate the way things are now.. i have a super limited cirle of friends.. that's why i spend so much on music.. discs and all.. i spent like what 100 bucks on discs every weekend to keep away the feeling.. have echo and the bunnymen with me.. sigh.. god.. i really am so frustrated..
a few days ago i wrote a letter that was meant for mel. I guess .. i really dont think ill be passing it to her.. i really miss writing to her.. I know now that the reason why i did this online blog thingie was to subsitute writing letters with this. I really want to write to her so much.. i dont know why.. Its not that itll make me feel better or what.. i just want to. Yeah it sounds like im this fucking cracko and all.. isnt everybody mad?? I miss that thing.. something that was there.. echo and the bunnymen's bring on the horses is on for the third time.. molly ringwald save me..
shits... i really am so worried for the wrong things.. can god tell me?? I have so many questions.. i dont want this i really so do not want this.. its not... i hate this adn that and this and that and this and that.. keepingmyself afloat is getting so tiresome and so lonely.. FUck is this my whole self.. working as a half. or vice-versa?? would i like to think i am whole.. but why do i feel this way?? Im so nice...cs lewis's the lion the witch and the wardrobe talks about the feeling from dreams and nightmares. and i love it... the way he describes it.. i want it to happen.. i want to awake from this nightmare like the way lucy realised she was in narnia.. god.. im so tired.. im going to fail my ippt on tuesday and fuck eerything up... i hate this...
im asking for a little something. im asking for so little.. i feel my chest giving way.. i feel my head falling into something.. hold my hand and just hold it. fuck... just rip my hand off.. just tear my hair.. just fucking kill me.. if nobody does ill do it myself.. no need for the right time.. i just wanna attn-c hahah...
my head's now one big testbook. hard cover bound.. always open and flipped thru.. inbetween the pages are ur letters.. ii fucking want to dig out my soul like jelly.. like nice red clear jelly.. my soul'd be red.. like passion.. and outlined by blue grey and white like the night... then ill leave it ont eh floor.. u can step on it.. cause its not meant for anyone else.. im not asking for help.. really... im not asking for help.im not asking for help.im not asking for help.im not asking for help.im not asking for help.im not asking for help.im not asking for help.im not asking for help.im not asking for help.
i wish i had the guts to look away from the world.. u could look away from it too.. then iwould have the guts to pick up the phone.. and call the number u gave me.. wait for the ring tones.. and immediately hear something that i know is something good.. the world takes it all away and chokes me.. thank u.. meritocracy deserves a casualty like me.. i am not a victim.. but u are.. fuck me im full of shit.. pretentious pomp u are shaun.. fuck u..
Sunday, July 7, 2002 01:13 a.m.
too late again... man..
Album in the background...: thursday's full collapse.. YES I GOT THE DISC AT LAST!! SO MANY MANY TAHNKS TO MILTOn!!
yeah.. im so sleeping late and all have to even head down to the army market later on and all.. man am i so in deep shit.. My sis told me that she'd be coming home and all so i had to stay up to give her money for taxi fare.. and she didnt tell me that she decided to bunk in someone else's house.. FUCK!!!!!!!!
anyways.. i intially had alot to write really. Yeah.. like things and all to totally dry out my system and all, but at this time its kinda hard really. Well, things have being ok for really, alot of thought has been put into some things and all.. fuck im really too tired.. lets just put.. this down..
Sunday, June 23, 2002 03:14 a.m.
This may seem out of place.. Sounds in My Head: Further seems forever's the moon is down, Ides of space, Sonic youth's Murray street (fucking beautiful serious.. u must hear it to believe it.. un doubtly album of the month), Box car racer s/t ( fucking rocking... sigh sad sad.. nice.. travis barker rocks..) and POison's I WANT ACTION TONIGHT@!! SATISFACTION ALRIGHT!! HAHAHA me and the guys in the camp were SCREAMing the chorus like madmen!!
Ok.. so what's the story huh? Im now in sispec.. yeah doing my bslc as a trainee. Strange right HahahH!! well had a lill hard time adjusting to it earlier in the week but well, things arent really as bad as it seems! im in echo coy, something like a whiskey company for it u noe.. welfare. Basically.. i managed to catch some world cup matches during the week! so .. emm.. u say leh? Alright. ive just come home.. i just wanted to clarify some stuff first yeah since ive got the time and all. I really must be on to eating my dinner. Mom's going the korea next week so.. yeah better enjoy her cooked food.. yeah.. more in the night i promise. I seriously have being writing too much these days.. really, like what.. near thirty pages worth of stuff in my notebooks.. i havent read them yet really.. ok.. off to enjoy my weekend.. more to come later on. Esp. my thoughts on the chocolate tiger break up.. shit im so fucked up.. sigh.. nvm.
Saturday, June 22, 2002 07:02 p.m.
Jesus loves lover's light Sounds in my head: The promise ring's Wood/water, Nusrat fateh ali khan's supreme collection vol.1, weezer's maladroit, finch's what it is to burn, Manic street preachers' the holy bible and Tori amos' To venus and back.....
GuilTy LisTen Of The MOnTh: Linkin park's hyrid theory and roxette's greatest hits.. hhhmmm... something's wrong hahhah...
well its been a long time and dont know if anyone comes along here now.. sigh.. hahahh.. Fiona Apple's Send me someone the love's from Pleasantville OST plays in the back ground and all, so whats there to expect tomorrow? Yeah.. its posting day, im going to get my posting tomorrow (didnt i just say that?? over excited lah..) yeah, had a totally super dramatic week and all, in and out of camp.
just now when i was walking back home, after meeting up with jason at the thomson prata shop, along the pavement to my block i saw this ah beng keel over in the grass. Yeah, he went on his knees and puked all over his nice jet black turtle neck while his girlfriend rushed to see to him. It was sweet in a wierd way really, he was really sick and his Gf was patting his back and all, telling him some stuff. i could know what she was saying really. It kinda reminded me of something, like three years ago (i can see u cringe in agony at these flashbacks and all.. so the screen starts moving like waves to my memory muscle.)
When i was in sec 4 and like i think two days before my art paper for the o's. I was in bishan park and i was pissed drunk having too many fast johnnie walker breaks with my school mates, at some tables and chairs. I was totally pissed, i remember giving way to dinner, noodle pieces and all. I knew that i couldnt go home like that, sitting up was hard and all and the trees were kinda like the skies tripped into the sky. Then i called my ex girl friend and all, u know one of those times when your impulses just give in, u call the ones closest to you and wouldnt tell your mummy what naughty things youve done hahah. yeah, i cant really remember how, (strange..) but i told her to come over and all cause she stayed pretty close to the park. She had to tell her dad she was going joggin, in the middle of the night and obviously dad didnt believe her but anyway she managed to get her out of the house and all. Next thing while i was lying pissed i saw my friends with her coming over to the where i was and all. I was like wow, she was wearing her shoes and all like she was really jogging at like eleven in the night hahah. i told my friends that i was too pissed to stay on and all and had to go home, but yeah u noe guys, they mustve been thinking that it was an excuse to go around hanky pankying and shit duh that's why they let me off.
I remember really having a totally hard time getting up on the pass the overhead bridge and all, and she kept helping me up and all hahah. We got into cab and all, and she sent me home. Man, its funny how little i remember of that night really, cept that she looked good in her jogging attire annd all hhahha! I would look forward to jogging with her after that. I guess its funny how that moment still stayed with me after so long, now as im re calling that night im thinking of harps and all.
I guess i might be calling a day and making change here and there. Choc tiger might be calling it a day and.. i guess its something to be done and all. With things going in seperate ways and all, its not fair sometimes. I might stop updating this page also, hahah, well its not totally because that i still think that nobody reads this page but.. i guess this page has run its due already. I read in Gail sher's book that to effectively write, dedicate what youre writing to someone or something. all of a sudden i realise what gave me the inspiration to actually start a online diary in the first place and all. To help me cope with my break up with that funny bunny that helped me when i pissed shit.. hahah.. what a way to put it huh? Yeah i mean i can really say that without feeling guilty. After christmas when things started to totally fall apart even as friends, i told her that night that i wont call her, sms or shit, and i wanted to just get to her by my online diary and all. Subconciously, i have been dedicating every jpg, word and nonsense comic to her and all. Conciously, i was going about writing and writing (typing should be amore appropiate term actually HAhahA!! Then arent writers who used computer word processors called Typers?) for her. i wonder if that's the reason why i really wanted to stop keeping up this diary
i want to write for her and for further reasons, and its kinda tough to really, the layout, the fonts, are all indented in my symbols of this strong desire to write for.
things have changed really, chen's interest in joy division and stoner rock and gone thru after much of my preaching, Im in the army, and she's changed too. Its alot less comforting after the phonecall with her last monday, i cant help but judge how much things have changed by how she's changed really, i know its wrong hahaha. Suddenly in the bunk i can hear the lyrics in vertical horizon's best i ever had. Im listening to Nusrat fateh ali khan and rethinking how i look at music. Imm looking at myself and i dont want to be seen as a stinking rob gordon. Im just here but totally feeling out of the way, and that's the way it should be.
every night before i sleep i always imagine myself looking at myself lying on the bed, praying. Im not quite missing her and all, but i cant say i am not. With a smile and all, its funny when things come in full circle all of sudden, knocking you off.
Sometimes we do things that we dont want to really, you can either supress those things and cut off from it, the worst is to do both.
dedicated to merli and all the stupid things ive done for you. : )
"i'll come calling out your name and i'll come calling out in vain and i walk no-one knows my name and
i'll come if you help me find my way if it's over and the highest peak i will come if you cover me i know i'll fail i know
i'm weak but it's you again over and over i hear angels singing love i dream at night about you yearning tides love
the moon hold me in your morning light and Jesus loves the best i dreamed i had found you and yearning tides love
the moon hold me in your arms and Jesus loves lovers light"
-James iha's winter...
haha no one will read this.. i know.. i hope i dont get posted to sispec..
Saturday, June 15, 2002 02:08 a.m.
shit!!!!!! im IN FUCKIN DEEP SHIT!!! sounds in the head:24 hr party pple ost, The buzzcocks and more more more more more more neu and nonsense... oih yeah!! i forgot!! WELCOMe BACk KRISSTY!! not that i forgot lah... hee hee..
shite shite shite shite.. i have a feeling that everyone's dumping off my blog.. please read!! hahahah... okay's new order's blue monday's on the stereo.
will be booking in soon yeah.. have to do some unfinished biz.. somewhat officially ive passed out of bmt.. well alot of dramatics and shit went about everywhere in tekong in relation to me the past week. SErious.. The answer's in gail sher's book the continuous mistake o think.. hahha.. yeah im reading it now.. hee hee.. im so ZEn!!
okayz.. im going to be kicking out the jams this week coz its block leave!! Im going to make my everything that i left out proud of me.. for leaving me out?? hhhmm.. running out of time anyway have to go and bathe and grab a cab.. shit back to ever smelly shit sim-bu-way and prickly heat stink of the numero four.. har har... man.. i feel so SHIT!! I WILL BITE MY DOGS HEAD OFF!!!! i really think that i should I WOULD I SHALL I WILL ... ermm something.. stay tuned for the postings and all.. man.. i so do not want to be specialist.. even though i always hang out at gramaphone.. which is at Specialist's centre.. har har there's a lame joke for u marcus.. HahhaHhaHA!! nites..
Sunday, June 9, 2002 07:04 p.m.
natalie portman is so far away in a galazy far far away.. and there's nothing i can do. Sounds in the muscle head: quicksand, saves the day's thru being cool, bOards if cananda's geogeddi, Queen of the damned OST, Idlewild's 100 broken windows, weezer's maladroit, nusfat fateh ali khan's mustt mustt and kokia's trip trip( beautiful.. go find it if u can!) and beautiful album of the month Sensefield's tonight and forever... im serious..
GUILTY LISTEN OF THE MONTH:VErtical horizon... sorry.. hehe hhehe.. its in my cd case.. only i didnt buy it! iSWEAR!!! its good really.. hahah..
Okay.. sorry if u pple kepyton coming back here to check here and there and all. I totally appreciate your faith that i will write something here.. but u noe army schedule and all kinda disallows it man. im really so fucking tired..
oh well some stuff's happened these past few weeks, im at last im passing out this coming saturday and all. open fire at the next thing man. Im really tired out working out for the ippt test tomolo that will determine if i have to fucking do BMT again really, and i seriuosly fucking over.. i guess bmt's fun until u step back into your room and realise what u were before u enlisted. Suddenly things that u had are put into this totally different picture frame really, its not so much of a slap-in-the-head what the fuck was i doing thing really. Its more like a sigh.. hahah a silent sigh.. badly drawn boy. nice track though.
so's everything's fine.. lots of pple telling me i look totally ok with my hair and all. PLus my beefed up body and all hahah. It also so happens that my sergeant happens to be someone i might have known, god and he has the choc tiger live ep!! HAhahha.. farny and all. Alot of funny things happen lah, i sometimes think back and really think about why i did all these wierd things. alright i cant say that im missing things or something..
leave it all alone then again, im happy that people ard are gettin their own ways, while im not. The way im going isnt that fantastic really, reading music mags and being as small and innocent about music is really a reall joy, but..
the buck stops there when i come back home. Is home suppose to feel this way against the grain of how much ive learnt? im trying to put all that ive learnt into practice really, or better still, get all the things i wanted at least a part of. Im not being dramatic or anything really, but i dont have to time or energy to keep things like that under wraps and all. Staraflur by Sigur ros keeps playing under the bed sheets really, no matter where i am.. on mainland and singapore. I guess music's profound benefits does really come into play so much now,my near crazy obsession with cds and finding diverging principles between what've ive learnt and all with music. The pure beauty of britney spears and Jesus and mary chain, the pure brilliance of jeff buckley and paul van dyk... chill out music never made this feeling so much more obvious. I could be missing the feeling and not missing anything about u at all. I just think that the conversations in my head have being going on frequently, but what about the conversations in my heart? It goes in circles around, its nonsense at times really, but it says somethings... i may be lonely like robert mitchum in the frontier land america with my pistol and horse.. feeling secure and all.. no nostalgia and all. Im pissed shit right ahhahah. Btw if any of u reading this can help me find shallow's whole discography... yeah the band shallow.. there i go again.. like a scene from hi fidelity.. for which i havent watched the movie nor read the book yet.. im a soldier.. i guess.
al;right i take my leave for the night and all gotta go ill write more tomolo.. nites..
Sunday, June 2, 2002 10:42 p.m.
Mega mega what tee??- episode 2 sounds in my head: finch's what is to burn, VEx REd's start with a strong and persistent desire, Phantom planet's the guest, SAves the day's cant slow down, Weezers POWER PACKED NEW RELEASE MALADROIT and Last days of april's angel youth.. beautiful hur.. sigh..
well another weekend burned and all, rush rush. Booked out this afternoon and i have to be gone again in about hgalf an hour taking time to write abit for my beautiful audience : ). Oh well, went out tiwht bran and chen just a while ago at bishan. Lots of shit all around really, Ang mo kio's new interchange, didnt get a chance to visit the toa payoh one though really.
its been a hard week really, back aches and sweating tears to pass my chin ups and all. Sigh, i guess i really takjed to the bunk mates about myself and all really. including finding out that my cock rock bunkmate's a humpback oak fan, snigger.... Yeah, its really hard on the heart and soul i guess but ive got like a few weeks to Passing out so i guess its ok. In the coming week ive got more nonsense and wont be booking out on saturday, or maybe not at alll since im one minor away from been awarded a confinement. Really, trust me i didnt do anything stupid cept maybe getting my rifle taking away from me during lunch and all.
well i missed institute day and all, i wonder why i missed it really. Is it because of the school or is it what came with the school intially. Some things just fall away naturally. i just told chen awhile ago that some things happen not by chance or cruel fate but u noe... i guess one day that time will come. It sucks really when u realise how things are when youre alone camp and u realise u cant really talk to people or even feel for yourself at all.
oh yeah iu dont feel anything much for star wars cept that itr comes with alot of other things that i dont really want at all. hhmm.. too little time to elaborate.. but just read Ozma;s natalie portman. i guess ive been thinking about thigns as they are and for how much they are worth, and that includes you. Ill just keep on leopard crawling in this mud to find you, but i know that i will not till i find myself like how u did long ago.
see u next week... and kel u take care yeah. Bran all the nicest in cambodia.. yeah dead kennedies too.. marc rock tons to shit hole.. man.. i really missed out on somethings that dont want to be a part of me even if i try.. and i dont blame the army.. love.
Sunday, May 19, 2002 06:19 p.m.
Home and DRI!!!!!!!!!!! sounds in my head: Slipknot's IOWA, Psb's release, Sunny day real estate's Diary and wild boars and mozzies in my ears.... hee hee
Yes!! im baCK!!! IVE SURVIVED A FUCKING TEN DAY FIELD CAMP!!! Gaud... seriously it was total madness!!! EAting nothing but real shit everyday... doing stupid things like making up our own games to amuse ourselves... eg.playing trench wrestling.. pee pee distance shots.. night tactical shitting and much more!! hahha..
sigh it was really madness.. and it was pretty funny that the song that i would always hear near the guard tent would be PSB's home and dry. Totally rocking. sigh im really physically tired now, going to be meeting brandon in awhile before he heads to cambodia. Then at 3 ill be doing a chop chop jam with chocolate tiger.. man.. my pedals how. Oh yeah, when i was eating lunch just now (char siew siew yok fan my fave!!) i wa watching an episode of meteor garden. I admit then it was really shit.. but i really dont mind trying now really.
today's mother's day and my mom's washing my clothes. I feel really bad.. should get her something really. Oh well....ill be booking in at seven.. yes fucking early. Fot those that i was unable to meet im sorry ok? Btw my phone's with me so u guys can sms me and all. Sigh.. i really hope that she got the message rite. Losing something out in the open field could mean that i gained something in return... oh well life goes on.. with a thumb in my mouth. BOOM!!! SEE U NEXT WEEK!!
Sunday, May 12, 2002 12:33 p.m.
Wild mood swings. sounds in the head:same as yesterday with the addition of saves the day's stay what u are and sonic youth's bad moon rising....
man im in a very cross mood.. dunno why.. must be because of maybe last night, lack of sleep or maybe that i have to book in in an hour's time and all. Yeah, im gonna get seasick again and all, plus all that nonsense in camp again. Shit.. sometimes really sometimes...
today i went to church and i kinda saw too many old faces that kinda said " hi long time no see, oh so at last youre in the army.." Yeah, and it kinda sucks being in the army in the same time as your friend's younger brothers and going " oh i saw your brother and all" oh well. its the end of the "long weekend" i have yeah? the other holiday would be the labour day one on tuesday, which would be a sleeping one for sure lah. Shit, the thoughts of going to the field camp is starting to itch behind my eyeballs already, its really going to be a long time, tenfuckingdays. Man girls had BETTER respect us guys for going thru shit like that man.
for me im really looking forward to really what could happen after the army really. That whole big blank page swells up in my head really. Seriuosly i still think that people now should really strive to shock me really. Oh btw the church's organised some youth ball thing, and its one of the first events that i would miss to go i guess. Afterall i guess im too old for pimply shindigs like that. i kinda miss some things already. its not very fun to be me really... bye bye see u on labour day..
Sunday, April 28, 2002 05:38 p.m.
You choose who u love.. Sounds in ma' head: PSb's release, Tori amos' to venus and back, far's water and solutions and the movielife...
shit man.. just came back from midnite movie.. guess what movie. the TALKING COCK MOVIE!! ermm.. i cant say much lah..
basically im damn tired really.. went for RT and i feel so worked out really. rushed to orchrad in my smart four to follow my friend buy underwear at lido isetan tsk tsk. Went for sonic edge which was GREAT REALLY!! hahahah.. serious.. it was beautiful!!
its funny how i feel so different today, could be that i might be or really am falling in love sometime soon. its like something new really.. dont want to work on it but yet want to. U noe the feeling that something may happen or not.. the sit in the park pull the flower petals thingie. its a nice feeling really, but seriously i feel so much for life all of a sudden today, i want to live before i die. Its funny really, i seriously think that im in love again or maybe not. Its so trivial yet there.. like a bad itch. Well im not going to do anything really and see how things go really, all i want to do is really pass my ippt and not go out of course.
bottom line: im falling in love for the right reasons again.
good night.. zzzzzZZzZzZZzzzzz
Sunday, April 28, 2002 03:38 a.m.
Its not as easy as it really seems. Sounds in Ma' Head: Pet shop boy's Release (go buy it.. please i beg u... its the best fucking PSB in the world.), Tori amos' to venus and back, Neu's 2 and glassjaw's everthing u wanted to know about silence..
Man Band of the month: Down with pantera's phil anselmo and COC's pepper keenan.
Song of the Day: Psb's samurai in autumn from release. hhmmm..
Just came back from a day. Yeah, went to orchard and went around looking for the new Boards of canada Cd Geogeddi. Border's didnt have it.. fuckers. Got ripped off when i found out that the special edition Psb release ISNT a double disc one. FUCK!! So guys if youre planning on buying the album, MAKE sure its the one with the double disc!! It contains an ambient remix of home and dry.. sweet..
Went to youth group today, and it was the best P and w attended in a long while. Partly because melissa did it and because i really need to wind down in such a environment. Its really great the session really, i dont noe how to say why it was, but having mel do it made such a big difference really. Things aside, its the whole situations and all. rather ambigious really the way i put it but so dont read into what im saying cause nobody will noe.. Hahha.
after that i had a chat with gloriana about some stuff. Met up with jason and his friend andrew. Man.. things are really changing. Melissa's got curly hair and ive got no hair. Talk about trading places hahha. We hung out at the prata store for a while and melissa drove the shunfu posse home. It was great really the night. I really am happy that i could see her today, hope i did surprise her really by popping up like that, but looking at how things were i guess it wasnt hahhaha. i cant say how much it made me happy but it did.
tomolo ive got to go for Remedial training and all, which is totally shit. And after that ive got to rush down for sonic edge to kena tekken by gordon and marcus.. hahhaha!!
All these ex instructors really crack me up with their u-are-my-slave act and all!! sORRY!! ITS NOT AN ACT!! SORRY MARC!!! ahhaha!! well its been great for friday... but as usual im shagged out again.. sorry Lyraine i cant stay up to talk to u tonight okayz??
here's song lyric from a hot band jinky board..
"left something behind the carseat,
something i got from somewhere
something that's funny as a bunny
i guess u or dad will find eventually
if u do, dont say anything at all
its a present and smile for u
dont ask and say anything and all
just a smile will do to save me from a fall"
jinky board's "hidden messages in song that i hope u'd read"
hahahaha... yes the jinky board... rocking huh..
Saturday, April 27, 2002 12:16 a.m.
Napalm Nights in Neverland Sounds in my head: Puddle of mud's Blurry, U will know us by the trail of dead, FAith no more's Angeldust (dont fuck fuck), sunny day real estate's lp2 and various cool nice songs in my head tt im waiting to share with all of u all... serious...
okay.. hahah!! SurprISE!! im back!! yeah, ive got an early book out cause next week's feel camp, time to feel and feel and feel in a total super sense of the word feel! well.. oko k.. its field camp really.
but ive got to book in on saturday coz of RT yeah bummer right.. fuck. I cant pass my pull ups so i gotta go back for like four hours and all. oh well, as marc would say, suck thumb lor..
well things have been fun the pass few days, learnt alot of stuff really. its really been a life changing experienced and i nearly signed on in the navy yesterday. Well i dont feel too muxh to explain it really, but i guess for u all who noe me well would understand really. Its nice lah..
this week it felt kinda shitty booking really, it was like its back to mainland. All those memories and all. My bunkmates and i were saying that we had to face up to the shit back home and all, from familiy shit to girlfriend shit. I guess on my part.. well i wont say it lah.. until i finish my BMt first really. Yeah.. i guess this time i feel that the only way around it is to really actively apply what ive learnt in camp really. Tomolo melissa's going to do p and w so's im going to surprise her and all. I dont noe what i can do but ill do it really. Sigh.. hahhaah.. life works wierd really, but there are better things to really look ahead for and things to really look at for what they are, i guess i learnt a good mix of them really, at the right points.
well, ive been really having all these wierd song ideas in my head and really want to put them to tape but, i ve got a fucking sore throat and all. So I SOUND MORE like barry white!! Oh yeah... the simply red song fairground's always in my head in between push ups and burpies. Wierd huh. sometimes i do sit and think and wonder who i come back to sometimes... i lie on my bed and i kinda noe everywhere i go .. that im always coming back to someone anywhere when im aware of that. hope u guys get that. its beautiful really.
thanks for lyraine for the call.. daved me from madness really!! hahhah... nayway i gtg and sleep.. hahha... body needs rest after shit.. Im like a unisol.. need to retreat to cooling centre.. to cool my cells till tomolo okays??
and thanks for visiting still really.. for those who pop by... nit enite..
Friday, April 26, 2002 01:19 a.m.
Across the sea again...
well im back again.. u must be wondering how come i want to write so much right? hahha, i guess its to make up for the loss time on the computer for the lasty few weeks i guess. Well i have to go and photocopy my results slip later on at imperial court near my place and all, shit, is it open in the first place!! FUCK!! Yeah and ive got to iron my no. 4's, call siva my bunk mate who lives in balestier what time to pick him up. Sigh, oh yeah and of course have to figure out what discs to bring again!!
man my throat still hurts like hell really, sometimes i really dont understand why the cookhouse still serves chicken when almost like seventy percent of the recruits have coughs and bad throats!! Serious!! Well i guess its kinda like chinese medicine and all.. oh bother..
i guess i really am afraid that i slacked alot in this time back home and all, suddenly i feel lethargic and all. Wierd huh... i spent like two hours sleeping and all yawn.. Oh yeah Thanks Marc For recommending trail of dead because its so fucking wierd that its on the interscope records label!!
oh well, just saw x-men just now. the first time i saw it on vcd i fell asleep because it was so slow moving. Good for me its showing on star movies and i caught the "exciting" last battle bits and all. I was kinda shocked when rogue had the hots for wolverine and he told jean grey to tell her that his heart belongs to someone else. That fucker, he's got the coolest shit and the babes. One seriously cant be not jealous of him.
oh well.. im going off already. i just have to do something really, well ill be posting pictures i took before i went into army really!! Hahahah, pictures from sentosa ermm.. around the place lah! yeah.. post ns shaun pics.. shit man.. im suddenly missing my mullet.. fuck.. har har.. ok ok.. goodbye for real and sorry if i sound bored.. BTW U CAN CALL ME ON MY HANDPHONE!
Sunday sunday..... im feeling alill iffy... sounds in ma' head this morn: And u will know us by the trail of dead's source codes and tags, faith no more's angel dust and empire record's OST.. oh yeah.. And the chocolate tiger Live at mister b's album... yeah Buy it from Marcus for five bucks!! Go to his webbie and order it!! we need the money to record our Prog synth disco Grunge classic!!!
oh well, i had to just write another entry and all, i mean i havent written anything for so long and it feels pretty akward. Well i guess its a good way to keep my english going you noe. Well on parent's visiting day when my parents came over, Dad bought me star wars and the terminator novel for me to read. Oh yeah, and lots of mars bars and all.
woke up today with a fucking bad throat, and i just cant fucking talk, lost my voice. So im now on the computer hoping to u noe bump into people and chat coz i cant on the phone. Well, so u can tell that ive been training my VocaLS In the ARMy!! SOON I shall SOUND LIKE JEFF BUCKLEY!!! ermm.. down a many keys though hahha. Oh mom's home..
oh well i went to eat my fave lunchen stuff will be back again..
Sunday, April 21, 2002 12:02 p.m.
A brand New rising with some shadows .. nice i guess.. *wink* Sounds In Ma' Headz!!: Pet shop boy's release, You will know us by the dead , Faith no more's angel dust, Return to fall, Hum and nice comfy magic of the beatles... king's of convenience's winning a battle losing a war.. *wink*
Well true believers.. hahaha.. im back from three weeks of tekong. For all u really ermm.. shit.. really excuse thinking man my vocab is really fucked up now man!! Okay experienced in tekongism well.. To tell u the truth its really Fucking FUN!! hahahh!! serious.. its really like back in secondary school again, all the responsiblities, all the possibilities, the danger, the angsty battle cry of boys being punished and of course... crude fart jokes!! hahah... well thanks to my fucking bunk mates! They rock!!
Hahaha, uve got these immaculate arrangement of characters in my bunk that couldve come out of some army daze type army movie!! SErious!! hahah, it really makes me smile at god and say, u are funny man.. hahah.
well ive just came back from meeting up with imm, bran, chen, kel, sean, terrance, oakey and marcus. well i was pretty uncomfortable when i first stepped into mainland really, i was literally shaking and nervous. I really dont noe why. Yeah and i just insisted on taking public transport from pasir ris the whole time and all. Well it wasnt wasted really, i walked up and down in my no. 4. Well i felt pretty wierd really. Suddenly i kinda felt like i could change things a lill, wierd huh..
okay.. somethings that i have to say really. Well, the whole evening was spent telling people about what happened and all, u noe the dreaded army talk that people either love or hate.. sorry chen hahhaHAH!! well, there are some things i really have to get off my chest really. Well there was this one time when i was sneaking a nap in my bunk beside my bed. On my still moist sweaty SBO, when i was listening to SMashing pumpkins. Its strange how all these memories suddenly creep up on you and explode. Im serious, its was just so beautiful ive never ever exprienced it before... being distanced from everything that ive numbed myself just.. made things so much more real. I could remember so many things.. i couldnt be much more specific, but if u noe me well.. hahahha.
i was really in daze for a while. the evening sun and all..
Kings of convenience playing on the stereo and all. I just missed so much and.. i guess u noe when uve grown when u really start to remeber things and hold so much more reverence in them. Its so sweet u noe some things. i could remember it all really, and it wasnt because of a lack of nicotine intake tt caused that!! but really... i dont noe how to say it really.. i was dead tired but yet so alert, careful in painting all the details, it just fleshed out colored in red in my mind. That blue dress and smile. Oh bother maybe its because i havent being looking at girls and all for a long time!! hahah.. but freudian theories aside... it was special...
And lyraine!! hahahh... was on the net... if youre online like sms me or something if you read this!!! haaha.. i really wanna talk to U!! HAr har.. yeah.. dont worry i can bring my hand phone to camp now already so yeah.. man im so buffed now.. har har..
i dont noe but somewhere..i guess im making u smile...most of everyone.. thanks.... just something i should to warm everyone's hearts.. after kena tekken like fuck.. hahahh!!!! good nite!! AND SEE U NEXT WEEK!!!
