the places that u missed out souns in the head: Explosions in the sky's how strange innocence, tortoise's millions now living will never die,Air's talkie walkie, mono's one more step and u die, catpower's moon pix, Hadyn's op.77 and the walkmen's bows + arrows.
rhythme: so here we now at, the reason why we all write irregardless of whether anyone's reading or not, is because most of the time u say the truth. IT's easy, less painful way to talk and whine about things all around ami right? well, things are incredibly bad, vulgar and really anal these days with camp and shit. It would take the faith of a saint to get few these days i tell you, esp with the fact that im clearing my leave late. fuck the army really. I couldnt believe that i got pissed with my mom after she told me to pray for my CO, i mean so what if he's a christian or not? He's still doing his job... HE has TO@! that's the fucking army for you.. god man... i dunno lah..
LoopDeLOOP:well so far i bought my first pair of Dunks today at beach road, it be a Nike Dunk supreme "snowflake" bootleg..Oh well someone said it looked damn SJI boy, hahaha. I'll start from there really, after she said that. I mean it's alright to wear a pair of dunks right? it strange.... Today i went to church and i saw mel and she just looked right passed me. Is it what i want? YES. Is it wat i want in the long run?YES and no. Its come to a point where she just a another faceless person in church which is good really. Just the other day i accidently went to her picture site and its funny how i think she's really pretty and shit. It seems that these days im in a painful momentum of deep longing, whose inertia's going to knock the wind out of me soon enough.
loin in:these few days ive started thinking alot again about somethings. I guess it was all triggered off by the strange dreams i had of my sister and mel and who else what not. As u can tell im totally obsessed with my dreams when they come, after all they say alot to myself, more than i can awake. I've been really pained these few days in camp and outside. I hate the army.
the other day a friend's father passed away. I went for the wake for 15 mins and off i went to tiong bahru to meet up the the guys. I can say that i could've died happy doing what i did man, we were just playin around and surprisingly IT WAS GOOD! pRODuCTiVE! yea..i was kinda nervous for the few part because i seriously didnt know what to play. HAHAHAH.. but i pulled thru and came up with some great stuff.. felt good really. its things like this that give me reason to live on totally.
Worrywart:oh wells. im seriously off and down. serious. I miss mel and i know that it's already spent. Im doing all the wrong things for the wrong reasons. im just so subdued.. like it's it man.......
Sunday, May 9, 2004 09:03 p.m.
OH MY GOD!!! (matrix :revolutions IS FANTASTIC!) souns in the head:Converge's jane doe, Catherine wheel's chrome, Ride's Carnival of light, M83's dead cities,red seas and lost children, The walkmen's Bow + arrows, The decline of british sea power and Calla's #1.
NB:this entry is not directed at anyone in particular. so dont be offended.
WAHT THE FUCK!!!: ok so this is how it goes: I neh neh Didnt want to watch matrix in the theaters because... i dread the stink of people with their cow eyes Thinking that The matrix should've been renamed "the passion of Neo" for all its COOL novelty ACTion SEQUENCE HERE!! OH my god! for all we know they've found themselves A new action movie in the style of Chuck norris' Missing in action series or... ok lah let's not be too critical ok.. ACtion adventure movies like harrison Ford's Indiana Jones... ahhhHHHH that's ACtion.. Or maybe Marty McFly in Back to The future?!?!? Oh maybe one shot wonders like Snake slipskin?? Commando? Rambo???
Well one think i have gotta say is thank GOD.. I REPEAT THANK GOD i didnt watch that movie in the theaters and wasted my mom's money buying the matrix revolutions DVD which cost.. COST ME!! I left it on the top of my coffee table to collect dust after awhile and then boom, today got time then watch lor. U must think im very spiritual about watching movies or something right? ACTUALLY im fUCKING practical, i let all the comments and reviews all settle at the bottom of my intestines so that it'll come out easy. Basically i watched knowing the whole story but well.. have to see it really.
Well firstly, i'd have to say that this matrix has to be the most visually balanced one among all three. GRENNG RENNNGRENNGRNEGNR yes the letters make up GREEN!! In this installment it sums things up for an orgasmic color contrast between things before and after the truce!GLORIUS!! Puny HUMANS CAN't APPRECIATE SUNSHINE OR THE SIGHT OF A Beautiful SKy made by a little indian girl who's a computer.
SEcondly i've heard comments about the cheesy dying trinity scene. Seriously ITS THE MOST emotional part of their relationship, with all the big hoo ha about their love being thrown around more in conversations (in this world) with the word FUCK, its goddamm ridiculous for people to think that it'd be a big jack/rose thing. in fact i feel that the tragedy involved in this romance mirrors that of Ernest Hemingway's A farewell to arms, both deal with parallels between innoncence and the increasing strains on their love despite LOVE being a bigger bad work than FUCK. hahah ok abit too far with that..
i'll stop i'll stop..: GEnerally i think im too excited about the whole movie that's why im throwing off these blind bombs all around myself, but what i think is that the matrix trilogy is beyond alot of things.I would like to say that its the only film that combines all essential meaning in humanity whether in music, art, lit,poetry... Movies in this case strive FAR too hard to artistically FART at the audience so that it stinks so BAD.. the whole theater would think "oh my god!it stinks!sob sob so sad.. isnt the human race full of flaws, that's so beautiful" OH MY GOD! Zappa once said that in 10 years, humans will never see beauty the same way we did in the past, even as far as prehistoric times... or worse in each other... god forbid
Im not trying to say that the trilogy's all nice and colourful like your kindergarten art work but the situations and all reveal a certain innocence in the human spirit that could be tranposed as easily to any world war movie. It is the lack of awareness that we are indeed living in a post apolcalyptic world. For example my grandma told me about how they used to put heads on stakes around town, about the water tortures and the drawings of babies being bayoneted as they were thrown mid-air. The people in Zion understand that.
Maybe it's because im reading too many Holocaust books? INformation that too cold.. too objective for people's Episodic, sitcom-like arrangment of our lives? Pass that, start new season? Oh don't worry joss whedon's going to write that in.. hmmm.. interesting character i met today.. and she's HOT.. Let's have a spinoff series! Furthermore, chunks and chunks of Junji Ito and Hideshit hino horror comics dig deeper in the inner psyche of fear.. the most basic of human emotions. Just like when Zee told Charra that she was scared.
I would say that its been a long time since i cried watching a movie. Call me a fucking faggort or Ninnypiss or a BABpoh or a TALK COCK ACT MOVIE BUFF but at least seriously, i did watch the movie in the proper context. Not as a 23 year old NSF who's frustrated at the army and unlucky in love who likes to listen to ROCK music and get piss drunk and hangs out with his buddies? I watched it as a person who's human.who loves.who fears.who needs.who dies.
for those closet homos and "OhMiGaud" banana Boat girls who felt sad that NEO died in the end and thought HE shouldnt.... u can find the finest hormone satisfiers in your nearby teeny beat kisok. I'm not making myself sound like an asshole here man.. but if it's pissing you off.. let's just say its called diversity of thought here, you're no less than the humans that caused the human race shit in the first place in the matrix. hahahahah
Sunday, May 2, 2004 08:49 p.m.
Bose zeiten unterscheidliche Gerausche: Page and plant's unledded, Appleseed cast's mare vitaes, Broken social scene's feel good lost, Godspeed you black emperor's yanqui U.x.o, Tortoise's Standards and the fire theft's s/t.
Mein Wort gilt:Its madness im telling u these days, too much things going on. I just bought myself a nice telecaster jap, 80's and all. Nice really, things felt very very different these days with the guitar around. Its all very much spiritually affecting, all of a sudden im re-learning guitar harmony and all that boring bullshit. Suddenly i feel like playing again.
i just re-read Stephen Davis' Led Zep Bio HAMMER of the gods for the dunno hom manyeth time since i first read my dad's copy in sec. 1 or something. I just... i dunno. I still think that jimmy page drives me wild... man LED ZEP drives me wild! all of a sudden im writing huge stacks for shit in my black book. Im digging into all my old books, thru old 1997 issues of guitar world, Sepultura Tab books, Jimi hendrix's axis:bold as love tab book, old letters from mel, dusty old messages from my classmates at JI, penguin classics i bought (wuthering heights and shit.), kiss guitar world special, posters of the pumpkins, play easy guitar: police song book, an old art book that an old friend gave me, a solder that i was suppose to use for my old level's wood burning project (the picture was suppose to be a middle eastern woman crying at a grave.), old art sculptures i made, Beyond cassettes and more.
widerstriet der Klange:just something i've been writing alot and thinking about these few days: i really think that ive grown really, and u know u've changed when u can say it i guess really. Re-visiting led zep was my way of saying that the reason why it dont seem i change to me is cause, this is what i always wanted to be. haha. I've had plans recently of writing a tell all letter to mel. To seriously end it all in myself. I've more or less understood and am aware of what's been happening to the both of us since we met way back then. It's only when u realise how stupid i was that u noe-i've gotten over things.
days float in and out and i can't wait to get to school. Im pretty excited about going back to school really. im tired really. Im tired. and tired. At least i know where my sincerity's getting to these few days really, and that's in the bins. Well, can't win all the time right? I'm not looking for that piece of mind in all that rubbish again. It's time i start looking somewhere else, and not in someone else for that.
Mir raucht der kopf:My head's spinnin off some trajectory that, i don't know where im heading. At least now ive understood how much i havent gotten to into the momentum of life. That momentum of living, in singapore, with myself and with the people i love.
The other day i sat alone in the tower and i felt an incredible guilt about not loving her the way she loved me. it all ended up with me loving her more than she ever did, at the wrong time. Haha.. U can't win all the time right? Then a few minutes later i opened my eyes and the night sky just unfolded infront of me, a whole starry starry night just spread across my eyes. I felt this welling up behind my throat and i felt some warmth like, like God was watching me and he wanted to reach out to me, to tell me that.. all's not lost. I kept holding on to that frequency, that state of submission so badly, so badly, i held my breath. I didnt want that feeling that someone wanted me, to reach out that i was worthy not of how i could be, or had been but of what i am. I almost choked on myself. I fell asleep soon after on a plastic chair.
wiedersehen:i dreamt these days of mel and her friend junice in some wierd alien beach, pub or some place. My dreams are coming back but always, it's got her in it. I've been thinking of them objectively, brushing away whatever emotions when i know there arent any.
these few days. I really want to be myself. I just want to be silent. I want everyone to shut up.
"er drei Feinde hat, muss sich mit zweien vertragan"
please don't leave me alone.
Thursday, April 22, 2004 03:02 a.m.
cherry blossom tea souns in the head: Sheena Ringo's latest album, Herbie Hancock's headhunters, emerson lake and palmer's brain salad surgery, Bob dylan's nashville skyline and broken social scene...
so venus is this it?
the fruit of your womb?
I beared her a son
to long for a tomb
two solitary notes
afloat in the nightsea
like two shipwrecked boats
crippled; to be free
life sciences:
cherry blossom tea smells nice when you come close to it. May it be in a cup or anything, the wind blows the sweet heady stench of cherry blossoms-to your nose.
across her cheeks were the neon impressions of millions. Circumvated by two orbital satellite like yokes. One of a moon and star, the other in the shape of a crown of thorns.She led down her hair to lead on the sea.
Bit by bit, as we sit. She wears her hair like a rose, while i wear down my sleeves. Asking me where will i be after i take my leave.
fragments of a thorn: Worn better than a fashionista's 80's stlyed pin, shamelessly forgotten and remembered, the gloss on her eyes flickered behind the liquid gold resin. The waves were lapping against the shore beside us, rising and lowering itself constantly kneeling and standing against our feet. Her hair. GOD is her hair hahahah! Lips moving but yet words appear permenant like the freckles on her cheek.
god. i wonder. Walking away from what's so mysterious and mystery like the love of god when i was young, i mean really young. I yield to not understanding and let automotive engine scraps be my co-pilot. From behind my throat while walking away, i choke on myself.
i let myself down because its funny to me. Funny like in misunderstood funny. Funny as in fun.
If i tied myself down a million times with the ropes that u tied yourself with, i tear every strand and weave a dream for you. I draw whatever u said across the edges of your lips.You deserve more than the sum of all you relationships. including mine. without knowing without believing only can i come to grip. Cherry blossom tea with stretches of sun and stars, i bid farewell to sleep.
Saturday, April 10, 2004 06:15 a.m.
"Whine your way to a good man"
The above title was taken from Herworld March 2004, other articles featured were:"Love your vagina feel good guide","12 lessons from a superbitch" and "when hubby earns less than you".
souns in the hed: The cult's love, Testament's low, The still's logic will break your heart, Theatre of hate's singles, Radiohead's Com-Lag e.p., Hawkwind's master of the universe and my bloody valentine's you made me realise e.p.
stray thoughts: i am so fucking happy i bought a new copy of Testament's low, so that i can stop thinking about looking for my old chua joo huat cassette copy that's obiviously MISSING. Here it is, complete with the dave mackean artwork with lyrics that weren't on the cassette version. testament's low, without doubt beats the shit out of all the numetal bands out there, even better than all the mellowing ones (like staind). Comprising of uber POWER PACK guitar GODS James murphy and Eric peterson... with FUCKING John Tempesta (remeber mike tempesta??anyone?this is the REAl DEAL!) and chuck billy's Growl. Go and listen to the hellish build-up for "demonic" from their album demonic, and tell me if any one (including Cultural terrorist Max calavera can beat that). This is one album that started me thinkin hard about good skillful music, and great drums/riff movements that just blow your brains. Eric peterson stood out like james iha for me, asian looking but rocking. Frankly speaking, alex skolnik their ex-shredster's a lill too much like metallica's what-hisname. All in all, this album's got plenty of memories for me, it rocks.
clicklciklcik:short and sweet. im totally tired out by things, true.I've taken a great deal of interest in the second world war all of a sudden, and it's not (only) because Natalie portman played anne frank in the staged play in the us, but. Im in the midst of reading ernest hemingway's A farewell to arms, and it lives up to its expectations and legendary sleek, sparse writing style. A great introduction to Hemingway for me, this novel proves that nothing beats the old novels really. besides Paul auster and all that crap Beat(en) novels, most novels now tend to read more like movie book adaptations than books. I'd like to mention that Jack london's call of the wild's up there as one of my all time favourite books, watch the animation Balto and... i THINK you'd get my idea.
More reality issues: It's hard to say anything much except that im still haunted by her when i dream totally. It all turns out deep neon light lucid in the head, burnin up the grey area retinas until i just can't feel myself when i past by.
seriosly speaking i wanted to continue my litany of confessions and hang them up on this webpage like frescos in the winter. i don't deserve any meaning that i've found, this is because most of the time now i feel more like a ghost than a living, breathing inhabitant of PLanet earth. I cant remember the time i was dissected and chopped up, my intestines examined and my brain tampered with.
Do u realise that all your life. You are working, living, fucking, loving for one sensation? For the sensation of bliss, comfort and serenity. sounds' familiar? It sounds like being back in your mother's womb eh? Point is... we all strive for death.. that death that gives us the warmt and security that's gone. Ta dah.. it's all a matter of how u die really. "when man was first born into this world out of mother's womb, the first thing he did was cry."-from akira kurosawa's RAN.
ENd:im tired..
Wednesday, April 7, 2004 12:22 a.m.
Medicated drama queens Souns in the head: Sisters of mercy's some girls wander by mistake, coheed and cambria's in keeping secrets of silent earth :3, queens of the stones age's rated R, Cradle of filth's dusk and her embrace, Lamb of god's as the palaces burn, Norma Jean's bless the child and kiss the matyr and explosions in the sky's those who tell the truth will die those who tell the truth will live.
state your case m.f.: I am guilty of many pretensions, for the past few years in front of everyone. Just look at the listening list above? It's a lie. They are but random pieces of cultural puzzles put to together to reveal the same things as the clothes out of a levi's boutique. I am guilty of judging all my friends, thinkin that the only way i can control my life is buy judging them whether they're good enough to be my friends. I do not treasure their friendships. I am guilty of imagining that i am a song writer and an accomplished musician, that can say whatever i want based on that fact. I write horrible songs (much alike dustin hoffman and warren beatty's simon and garfunkel gone sesame street act in the classic ISHTAR), and sing terribly, to make things worse i write bad lyrics but pass it as indie.. or authentic.
i am guilty of intellectual posturing when there isnt any intellect to start with. Every thing's a fucking argument, and i take pride in deconstructing every deep pore of our lives when there isnt any for me to start with. I have looked down upon many people who arent the same as me.
i am selfish in many cases towards my ex girlfriend and i am guilty of being pissed at her just because i wasnt getting what i wanted. i pretend i know what's best for the both of us because that's the only control i have over things. I make obscure references to albums that nobody listens just for the cool factor (tom wait's singapore sounds like a tim burton/danny elfman song)
-now who the fuck listens to tom wait's DRUNK MAN SONGS.
god.. i just might be sounding more and more like a BASTARD IF I continue.
a means to an end:it's funny that i recieved two emails from 2 persons that i really care and love, and these feelings are not repocirated in anyway by them, to me. (tom wait's hang down your head drags itself across the speakers.) i want to so tell them that im a bastard. Im too much in love with you that i can't go on living if the idea of a open wide future with many possibilites exist for us and our feelings, furthermore all the more EXCITING AND THRILLING if things are ever more IMpossible. now what can i say? They represent the future of things, the certainty and futility of my own self. Beyond money and more money and EVEN more money beyond all that bullshit in a teenage MARXIST's wetdream, it defines self before my self. Sad to say that whatever's happening does not correspond to what's happened then.
the present with them always does not exist because it's always the same old song and dance. "im not free blah blah bnlah....
dreaming: the other day, i had a dream sleeping on the concrete floors, that i had just swept away parts of a dead cockroach. I dreamt i had gone back to Jurong institute, and thru my eyes i saw all the familiar faces. They were all gay and the corridors were all decorated with streamers. I was with an indian girl who was my best friend or something, she was wearing a violet sari and walked with me but never saying anything. I talked to a few of my old friends and they told me it was another stupid anniversary celebration thingie.nkaluivuaivfffffffffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiialvnlavuaffffff
Sunday, April 4, 2004 10:06 a.m.
Medicated drama queens Souns in the head: Sisters of mercy's some girls wander by mistake, coheed and cambria's in keeping secrets of silent earth :3, queens of the stones age's rated R, Cradle of filth's dusk and her embrace, Lamb of god's as the palaces burn, Norma Jean's bless the child and kiss the matyr and explosions in the sky's those who tell the truth will die those who tell the truth will live.
state your case m.f.: I am guilty of many pretensions, for the past few years in front of everyone. Just look at the listening list above? It's a lie. They are but random pieces of cultural puzzles put to together to reveal the same things as the clothes out of a levi's boutique. I am guilty of judging all my friends, thinkin that the only way i can control my life is buy judging them whether they're good enough to be my friends. I do not treasure their friendships. I am guilty of imagining that i am a song writer and an accomplished musician, that can say whatever i want based on that fact. I write horrible songs (much alike dustin hoffman and warren beatty's simon and garfunkel gone sesame street act in the classic ISHTAR), and sing terribly, to make things worse i write bad lyrics but pass it as indie.. or authentic.
i am guilty of intellectual posturing when there isnt any intellect to start with. Every thing's a fucking argument, and i take pride in deconstructing every deep pore of our lives when there isnt any for me to start with. I have looked down upon many people who arent the same as me.
i am selfish in many cases towards my ex girlfriend and i am guilty of being pissed at her just because i wasnt getting what i wanted. i pretend i know what's best for the both of us because that's the only control i have over things. I make obscure references to albums that nobody listens just for the cool factor (tom wait's singapore sounds like a tim burton/danny elfman song)
-now who the fuck listens to tom wait's DRUNK MAN SONGS.
god.. i just might be sounding more and more like a BASTARD IF I continue.
a means to an end:it's funny that i recieved two emails from 2 persons that i really care and love, and these feelings are not repocirated in anyway by them, to me. (tom wait's hang down your head drags itself across the speakers.) i want to so tell them that im a bastard. Im too much in love with you that i can't go on living if the idea of a open wide future with many possibilites exist for us and our feelings, furthermore all the more EXCITING AND THRILLING if things are ever more IMpossible. now what can i say? They represent the future of things, the certainty and futility of my own self. Beyond money and more money and EVEN more money beyond all that bullshit in a teenage MARXIST's wetdream, it defines self before my self. Sad to say that whatever's happening does not correspond to what's happened then.
the present with them always does not exist because it's always the same old song and dance. "im not free blah blah bnlah....
dreaming: the other day, i had a dream sleeping on the concrete floors, that i had just swept away parts of a dead cockroach. I dreamt i had gone back to Jurong institute, and thru my eyes i saw all the familiar faces. They were all gay and the corridors were all decorated with streamers. I was with an indian girl who was my best friend or something, she was wearing a violet sari and walked with me but never saying anything. I talked to a few of my old friends and they told me it was another stupid anniversary celebration thingie.nkaluivuaivfffffffffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiialvnlavuaffffff
Sunday, April 4, 2004 10:06 a.m.
post apocalyptic social drawl aka the death of tin tin's youth and snowy suicide souns in the head: Emperor's promethus:demise of light and discpline, Royskopp's melody AM, Dimmu Borgir's Enthrone darkness triumphant, kid 606's p.s. I love you, Explosions in the sky's the earth is not a dead cold place and At the Drive in's Vaya e.p.
westward ho!: i spent the majority of the weekend quite drunk with whatever money left.I bought tons of guinesses and chewed sour appled flavoured bubble gum with it, the thin beer went into my head nicely. I told myself im drinking in the afternoon because of the heat.
weather essenshials:i spent the whole time re-watching animatrix on my DVD player. Boy did it reminded myself of all the shit that me and Brandon fantasized about when we were young. After reading ON the road, naked lunch and this whole bunch of "classic" alternative thought books and whatever u call it, it strange that these books were written with me in mind. Above all its extremely funny how the characters in the books, situation and the protaganist's desires seem to strongly mirror mine. Its as though all the time even though i didnt read these books, i was living them.
it seems that im going thru a time where im, drawing substance to what i am in society now. I guess so. Its too coincidential that the way Jack kerouac describes the way Allen ginsberg and neal cassidy's conversations, is the way me and brandon would be talking... way too abstract way too ahead over our heads.. to understand ourselves. ALL BULL SHIT. Naked lunch on the other hand, makes up the crux of what i have always believed in. Of the surgical and disgusting precision of expression, to a point to total Immoral absurdity JUST to shit on u. Its very very strange... i feel very much nostalgic and kept in after i read a few paragraphs and go fuck.
death: It's hard to explain to people about why i might always seem to always think about girls.It's mighty hard to explain seriously. I realised the other day that the psychic/mental landscape that i live with, is very much the worse a POST-apocalyptic one. The bombs went down on my hero-shi-ma in late 2001, that's it. Soon after it all just went down hill. It's funny how the whole relationship between mel and me, in some way, looks like some wierd intimate love/hate amerika and Japon thing. Political. I might be over thinking totally.
i wanted to write a whole piece about mel, all the way about how she looked and all like in the past entries but i won't, i don't want to keep digging roses from that grave. In the whole context of post-something, singapore seems very much like a post cultural/industrial apocalypse shit hole.
the fact is my dear friends. Is that i love singapore. No one could have asked more for stretches of high ways and roads that could've come out of Jg BAllard's atrocity exhibition. The sanitized lifestyle and the shallow awareness of the clinking glasses under hotmid summers. All the pan asianess in singapore. I love singapore. I seriously say so because u can't be an ahpek, wear slippers and shorts, listen to Royskopp and drink guiness at the coffee ship contemplating your friend's interstellar escape routes out of this island.
i loved her because she was what i liked about singapore too. I could be myself, talk about things that we didnt understand but wanted too. It was like putting a carrot in front of you and running after it, even though u know u cant. It wasnt about passion for knockin each other's head crazy with hormones, but about passion for sticking together. It wasnt about need it was about wanting. Sometimes when i hear people on the streets making a big hoo ha about the state of the government and all since i was young, im always thinking isnt there more people than governtment? Im not in love with the control, im in love with the nature of this hot boiled gumbo that resides in the centre of everyone. Im in love because all i ever wanted's somewhere's around the corner, but whether i get it, its always fucked over.
dollars and cents:im not in love with everyone. Im not in love with what people do. I'm in love with people but not what they do. Only a few. A few. Sell them a credit card with the big adverts and they wet their pants.
i screwed up another few relationships with ones that i really truly love. thanks to my lack of sefl control and as one friend puts it " the desire to satisfy myself with the easiest one that can." how totally cool.
im just thinkin about recovery.
re-cover
cover up the holes?
cover-up the facts that it happened?
over-up
over
it's over.
Monday, March 22, 2004 06:34 p.m.
In the cut of things (the shape of things to come) souns in the hed: Mashavishnu orchestra's Bird of fire, the human league's octopus, The postal service's The district sleeps tonight ep,Miles Davis' Sorceror, Cult of Luna's awesome The Beyond, Emperor's Anthems to the welkin at dusk and the SUPER DISAPPOINTING king crimson's wake of the posideon (watever spelling LA IT SUCKS!!!FUCK!!)
luterature:I've bought three books over the weekend. I bought William S.Burrough's Naked lunch, Ernest hemingway's Farewell to Arms and Jack kerouac's On the Road. The the latter books were bought second hand: The copy of farewell to arms, from the handwritten notes strewn all over the book, was used as lit text for some girl, who had used one of those old chinese stamps as her signature. The second hand copy of Jack kerouac's On the road had an additional introduction and a suggested reading list that extends beyond words and into music, taking Lester Young, Count Basie and the Be-BOP JAZZ deloo loo LAH LAh Like in to account. It's great to have this books to kill myself to.
music: Cult of luna's 2003 release The Beyond is exceptionally good, hailing from the same ultra hot hardcore scene that produced Refused and all.. (i think the info's right.. ha) Cult of luna's made up of 5 or more people, not counting the endless list of guest musicians which include a PEDAL STEEL guitarist!! Sounding like a cross between Neurosis and my bloody valentine flirting with Kyuss-like slabs of riffage. Why the MBV? Well the chunks of guitars upon deeper listening reveals layers upon layers of e-bowed melodies and drones, very enjoyable and beautiful indeed, never has metal sounded so crisp and good since i heard envy's all the foot.... . EXtremely well produced and very very long, it clocks at 75 mintues at a total 10 tracks, the songs are not for those 3 minute iron maiden fans neither for those 15 minute Dream Theater fans too. The closest to this album's power could be a cross between Isis' oceanic and deftones much critcised s/t titled album, all are prime examples of spacey dream metal, with heavy riff repitation that'll either put u to sleep or lull u to a greater world out there. No need for mogwai or the likes of post rock references out there to describe this album, space metal's really progressing and breaking out of the pink floydian (cave-in's jupiter) or u2/radiohead melodic (hopesfalls) moulds. Other than that lyrical content is amazingly dense with quotes from noam chomsky brings about a greater awareness to this sub-genre, coming of like a more politically aware neurosis and the state of human decay. Cult of luna, like isis, ARE the bands to watch out in the next millenium.
dreams and dreams: i just the whole end of the week doing a bridge. Im so tired and all. My eye bags are like panda EYES and EYES! I suddenly can hum the melody for emperor's the curse and loss of reverence, and i watched the video which was the STUPIDEST vid i've ever watched in the world. BTw i kinda get the vibe that Emperor's Anthems.. is kinda like th metal equivalent of the cure's disintergration, uber melacholic and cold.. subject matter aside.. hahaha. Both have dense soundscapes and are absorbing to the mind and ears, hence.. Ear candy.
i've recorded alot of acoustic songs for fun the past few days without re listening to it, and today i recorded some more and i think i seriously need a band. My songs sound like shit.My soNGS SOUND LIKE SHIT~ LIKE SHIT!SHIT HSIT HSIT H SITT HSIHTHSISTIH TSIH THI SHIT SssssSSSSsSSHhhHhhhhhhhhhHHHHeeeEEEEEEeiiiiiIiiIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!
POW!
well of course that's until i let someone hear them hahah. SEriously, i think that im going to go into the lost direction. I really want to write songs. No need to think of refernces but just play it man, i mean do people who basketball at the court at thomson CC think of sponsorships? MAN they play it cause IT's in the game!
im also planning to sleep on the streets of singapore penniless for 4 days after i ord. Without a handphone and 10 dollars and one pack of cigarettes. After which i will return home and FEEL REFRESHED!! yes.. the life of a singapore Hobo, beach comber and A VAGRANT!! yes yes..
Anyways im slowly letting go of my major music madness already. I think that im growing up dammit... i want to start a king crimson type band.. and i wanna be david torn.... and i wanna sing like tom waits.. and i wanna play guitar like robert fripp and the technical vituosity of Steve vai with the creative put togetherness of Sonic youth. Man.... im just so in love but can't express it.
mistakes and regrets souns in the head: the human league's octopus, mashavishnu orchestra's the inner mounting flame and birds of fire, david sylvian's GORGeOus Secrets of the beehive, Bop compilations and the smith's "strangeways,here we come."
Surprise!:I bought myself again another copy of smith's strangeways, so that i could listen to "last night i dreamt somebody loved me" and rediscover some classic songs like "death of the disco dancer", "unhappy birthday" and the anti music biz song "paint a vulgar picture". Morrissey's lyrics are so delicious, it's sad that no one really gives much about them or him.
Everytime i listen to the smith's "i'm ill", i always think that im in heaven. From the opening harmonica intro which kicks into that Trademark Johnny Marr acoustic guitar thang, and into that sweet as sure morrissey chorus. It's just too short! America had their michael stipe and REM, UK had their own indie heroes with MOrissey and The smiths, i think.
Pragmatism in the workplace: Ive been having an extremely shit week in camp. I guess i've been eating into my own head for too long. Certain observations that my friends have made of me, i find it very interesting: Apparently some people have been asking if im gay in camp. I find that fucking funny seriously and that some people neeed to be educated good about how gays are? Another strange one's that im a pretty chronic loner, which is true. Sometimes in camp i really can't sleep. I tend to feel somewhat in the middle of consciousness and my heart just explodes, i couldnt sleep two nights ago because the sky was red and was too bright for me.
discordiance:TWo nights ago, iwas stuck in my own head. I felt extremely insecure about things in the future and all, i was sincerely worried about things. The feeling was kinda like falling in some underwater traphole and im going deeper and deeper and im grabbin what i can thought i know it isnt enough so come on shock me with your hands. Its hard to think about the future and be relaxed about it really.
i spent the whole morning looking at all 202 pictures of Homosexual marriages across America, and Mr. Marclaves from Repentamerica.com demonstrating against the proceedings. On one hand was happiness and all.. protestors had an impressive number of interesting cards, one them being "god made adam and eve, not adam and steve.", but one things for sure. I believe that looking thru all the pictures, of demonstrators with shirts that said jesus and getting whacked up by police officers and shit. I sometimes wonder why my father doesnt go to mass with the family anymore, considering the fact that he was an altar boy and all in the past. I guess, being in the news business for so long, and like me, i realise that the church now isnt the church of our youth, it wasnt a place where we could me up and be ourselves. a place where.. well there was good in everything. It has become a place of complications, of contradictions, of disgustingly PIGGISH behaviour and the like. I dunno, i felt that it's impossible for me to lean on the church anymore. It's becoming less of community and more of i dunno what..
saving graze:the other day i turned on the computer and went to this blog that had the most amazing amount of hope for things, it was bleeding out of its bytes! Its not all the time that i get totally smitten by something like that. It could be of youth, of pure genius of efforts or watever the like, so much so its what's keeping me alive these few months left in hell. In the recent entry, a very nicely done story is re-written. oh well.. I like it when people amaze me this much.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004 04:21 p.m.
happy valentine's day (day by day we pay) #1 souns in the head:the smith's meat is murder, uncle tupelo anondyne, celtic frost's morbid tales, mew's frengers and sigur ros' start again.
part3:i dont want to feel this way forever. i woke up from bed today. Staring up at the ceilings, feeling the back of my kneepits against the mattress. I wasnt sweaty, but the uncomfortable stickiness of it was there, in my neck. I closed my eyes again, to drown myself in waking up after sleep, in that moment where there is no before or after. All of a sudden i felt something go pass my forehead, from left to right. The same way charismatic church goers do when they pray over somebody; Hypnotists pass their hands over the foreheads of their subjects to suggest another prescence. To draw out the subject's awareness outside of their own bodies.
i had just awaken from a dream of a boy and of a lover. I had just spent time staring at the ceiling, sealing whatever secrets that were meant for me in the night.I put together the order of events that occured backwards so that it seemed alot more sensible, apparently the part in the dream where i meet the boy had occured closer to dawn, because i remember the birds chirping and the pale blueness. The rest of the events buried itself thru the deepest mornings and midnight, how in god's name i managed to puts things in such an absurd configuration to produce a plausible truth remains much a mystery. Especially the clear cut distinctions between the times of the day, and the lurid washes of light that seemed to burn my eyes. When i woke up i swear i still saw black dots in my vision.
in the afternoon i ate a cup of noodles to go along with some beer that johanna had left behind. I sat on a stool behind the kitchen counter listening to the stooges' TV eye. The night before i had ended my relationship with johanna under the wierdest circumstances, that would definately without fail, want to girl a dump me. I told her i was a closet peadophile and that it all started with Osh kosh b gosh catalogs that i used to loot from outlets at orchard road. Well the problem that i faced was that she didnt take me seriously, i mean SHE LAUGHED AT ME! She was going all arms around the room saying "U HAVE TO BE JOKING!" "U SLEPT WITH ME U ASSHOLE!HOW?!?"/ With my face all flushed all i could say was,"the reason i did u was because u had a 13 year old's ass!" and then she would say thank you and all that bullshit about how she loves me because im so funny and shit. Fortunately all it took was a pair of soiled daipers that i stole from my neighbour's rubbish to prove my point. In a fit of anger i rushed into the storeroom, took the diapers and spit some phelgm on the insides, rushed into the room and told her "here jo.. look at the stuff on this.. i did the diapers and I DIDNT WANT TO CLEAN UP BECAUSE I WANT TO SHOW U HOW MUCH I LOVE IT..more THAN YOU!!"
the girl i loved left the house around 3 in the morning to a cold cold night with expensive extra charges on the way home. I guess love's the only cheap entertainment u can find at his time of night let alone, drama and shit. After i threw the diapers in her face she spat at my face, started crying gave a tug on her right bra strap (a wierd habit that still baffles me, i mean WHY not buy a smaller bra..oh well.) and left me to my own devices. Mischief? I looked at her from the window facing the main road as she came out from the void deck falling at around her sides, like a paper doll, struggling to get on her feet to hail a cab. IT killed me the way she kept waving her hands in the air when there wasnt a damned car in sight!By then i had already started on another can of beer that jo brought over, at last she managed to get a cab.
i retired to my room after that, disposed of the diapers and used a towel to wipe myself clean. I hated late night baths and prefer just having a good wipe. I sat up in bed naked and staring at the blue hues that kept running under the shadows in the dark. I kept thinking, what the fuck do these people think about fucking young babies, young poster cerisi girls and boys. I mean she didnt take it bad that i said she had an ass of a 13 year old. My god i think she was flattered! I couldve have said she smelt like a baby and called her baby for all 2 and a half years of our affair and called her baby and baby and she wouldnt think that i was really thinkin i was doing a BABY. What is wrong.. that's why i had to pull up this joke.. haha to sift the wrong from right.. hhaha
I finished my cup noodles and beer, threw it in a bin. i then remembered to clear the rest of the pictures i had of johanna, on my bed table, my desk and in my computer. I simply adored her, jo this girl. I collected all of them and trashed them into the bin, mixing my memories with beer and noodles. I took a piss that smelled fresher than the beer i drank, and left my house without changing for a new pack of cigarettes.
as i was locking up the door to my apartment (i was all alone remember mom and dad had gone on holiday.) i saw the neighbours coming out of their house too, Mark and Marie was holding their baby boy Marcus, cute little pip. "Markieeeee.. say hello to uncle *****?" mark said in that really god awful voice that sounded like a really tight fart. I smiled like a mannequin, i wasnt a damned bit interested in your baby. We entered the same lift and i kept lookin at the numbers blikin to avoid any conversation that would kill me. "Markiee... dont i love our baby.." it was marie's little girlie voice that gave the word baby a certain floatin cloudiness.. baby.. i looked at the baby and saw him blushing like he really understood what his mother said. They all smiled, radiant out into the afternoon sun after we got off the lift. I just stood there looking at them... suddenly the thought of old textbooks crossed my mind, to a caricature of a "Baby". I then thought to myself how i missed my baby.
Wednesday, March 3, 2004 08:49 p.m.
red indian party boy blues souns in the hed: john mclaughlin's mashavishnu orchestra,jay-z's the black album, the stone roses's s/t, rachel's selenography, spiritualized collected works vol 2, teenage fanclub's bandwagonesque and cannibal corpse's the wretched spawn.
Submission:ok ok..i must take a break from all the boy beating and here's a normal entry for those sick ma' pretensions. basically it has to do with being a total moron and cheapin it up at Zouk/phuture on wed, thurs and friday. Does that make me a zoukette?!?! god that sounded so wrong with dino jr's "little furry things" playin in the back ground!
well sad to say but good for all you to know, is what's this whole entry's about!
spinal back:You're not going to expect one whole long mish mash of how zouk was cept that.. It was nice really on saturday. They had this great series of break beat Djs playing at phuture and it was seriously great, i felt like someone had cut the strings on me like a free puppet! Afterwhich i was caught in the arms of the pure afterglow of vibrations AND ides of space.
ADulthood:oh wells, ive decided. Confirm. That im going to MDIS for its mass communITcations degree course. Its seriously quite good and i get to spend three weeks in Oklahoma U, which will then lead on to me studying further in US and becoming another william hung. I still beliveve that any warhol's 15 minutes of fame theory is RELATIVE to the immediate situation. I've had mine in JI, in SAS, in ARMy and there left... is.... THE BED OF NATALIE PORTMAN!! k k ... joking.. The USA!! yes yes yes yes.. iwill release my own magazine called "AFteriget O". k k.. any objections u feel about me going to MDIS or that i should wake up and go NUS just TAG me.. i need response.. after all that's what makes money.. RESPONSE!!
Ionized urine: im truly going nuts totally over something that i just cant put my toe on! It's like this little fairy comes along and then pisses into your eye and your like "WHAT!!" and then u open your eyes and yer in yer diapers and the trees look like sci-fi skyscrapers with cockroach space shuttle! the possibilites becomes so terribly endless! Grotesque and charming, the face of this problem unsheaths its flesh and here i am, faced with something so impossible yet full of possibilites. I am out of derange-d when i look around myself, armed with only 23 years worth of people's conversations locked in every single pimple on my cheeks. How then do i tackle this "monster" !!
Things come into some configuration, with my mom's photos, mel, romantic pictures of jesus interspersed with DIY fashion sense of thrashed paint shirts of the stone roses and early manic street preachers!
-IT's very familiar cause u know the problem will, handle itself my dear boy.
Oh my GOD@ I could leave all the stupid church people away in their manger while i contemplate madison square garden! that's if my heart doesnt beat me there though HA!
winter park:like some sweet song swan playing in speakers 5.1 hidden under the big LEAVES, its pale reflection rivals that of the moon's in the water. i could be rowing a boat on that river, watching the ripples reveal/conceal my love's echo. Some wierd old appachlian melody buries itself deep in her cheeks, unaware of the limited rowin space that singapore rivers have, with this kind of scenery!
-Really it could all be this way or that!
-Actually its damn stupid and dumb. afterall is sick!
-Chances are i'll be pissed on for doing so
-Help yourself shaun not other fer godsakkes
-Everybody will have someone for them
-Leave it alone u piece of shit!
-Still.....you know it's wrong
-Over it yet asshole?
-Really u should get a life!
-Reasons are not good enough!
-Youth is something that's best without U!
-I dont think this is clever
-Monkey aroung somemore and i'll kill you!
-Dicken's had more brain than this!
-Under the table that's how low u are!
-Mother's going get u stupid boy!
-Best things are kept secret. that's it.
part2: i dont want to feel this way forever. i woke up from bed today. Staring up at the ceilings, feeling the back of my kneepits against the mattress. I wasnt sweaty, but the uncomfortable stickiness of it was there, in my neck. I closed my eyes again, to drown myself in waking up after sleep, in that moment where there is no before or after. All of a sudden i felt something go pass my forehead, from left to right. The same way charismatic church goers do when they pray over somebody; Hypnotists pass their hands over the foreheads of their subjects to suggest another prescence. To draw out the subject's awareness outside of their own bodies.
I opened my eyes immediately and i saw a face above mine. Tingling with electricity from the flickering morning light in her cheeks. I opened my mouth, gaping like a cartoon stuck in a panel in an archie comic.
After that afternoon that i had asked to boy up, and his strange submission to my whims, i brought him to my room. Put on the shirt that i had off before. i had asked him to stand in the corner of my room, facing the walls. He did as told, with his bag in hand. I told him it was a little game, to keep the mood in place, i kept repeating the words "littlegamelittlegamelittlegame etc etc" until it went of into a meaningless babble of baby talk. I enjoyed it, while i was seated on my bed in the opposite corner of my room. Watching the proceedings, i felt a violent jerk in my head, the kind that would be best approximated to that of a slurpee brain freeze explosion. With boy in corner, my mantra feeding the air and the hot afternoon sun. I found myself on my bed, with the boy stuffed under my weight. I had buried my face in his hollow of his collar bone, with my elbow across his neck. I released some pressure once in a while, to let him breathe and sob, but that was besides the intended results of the day.
In the evening, the room was getting darker. My parents were out for the night for a romancing singapore programme for valentine's day. The shadows heightened the beauty of the boy, whom i had stapled to the corner of my room. I had his ears stapled to pieces of paper that made him look like an elephant. I liked elephants hahah, reminds me of jungle book. He didnt bleed hahah. Oh about what he was wearing?!?! He was wearing a little skirt that i made with some vanguard sheet in purple!The comedic quality of things wasnt apt, but purple!hahhhahah.. I wished then still seated in the same corner of the room, that i had bought him nice clothes, cooked him food, love him, but the silent sobbing just was part of the geometry of the room. With me on the opposite end of the room and him the other, the evening clouds, the long shadows from all my pictures of past lover, and the smell of tears sweat and whatever bodily fluids. The beauty and perfection of the moment was pure, almost mathematical in its inception.
In night i lit candles around the room, nearly buring my copy of charles webb's the graduate. The flickering of the candles made the boy's glassy eyes all the more alive. I put on beethoven's moonlight sonata, injecting the air with a whiff of roses. In my hands were wires that i had taken out of my sister's room, god knows what she needs them for but i do now. I moved forward the boy, who by now was slouched, with his back in the corner. It was then i stopped and realised how much beauty there was in the converging walls to that intersecting point, forming the perfect backdrop for the scene. The filmic qualities of the moment is difficult to put in words. Seated cross legged on the floor, i used my hands to draw myself closer to him, the closest i would be for the past few hours. With the ends of the binding wire, it was quite a chore driving the end of the wire into his thighs. I was already sweating when i had embedded his calves with wire, round and round.
Hold on hold on. heh heh. Hold on hold on. I stuffed wire after wire into his body. His skin was cold and crude.
Her face lit up the morning like a firefly in still darkness. With her trembling lips and soft eyes, she was on top of me in a black shirt, with her hands on the sides of my head. U could say i was overwhelmed by nothing but her! We just stayed still, with her head cocked to one side expecting me to say nothing, her hair falling over the left of her head. Her breath smelt of too many coca colas and a small habit of smoking.
"so how've u been?", her lips concluding their trembling to facilitate speech.
"I've been ok. You?", i sat up taking a good look at her. She was wearing a pair of turqiouse beach shorts. Her feet was extremely fair.
"well, i hate you, thats.... how i am now"
i was taken aback. So much so i knocked my head against the head board, and the numbing pain went thru my head. I wasnt affected by the pain though, i just sat there, wrapped up in her eyes. She was waiting for a reply i know... so i then slowly brought my lips closer to her face, my hands looking for the wire and my mind making a mental note of where her thighs were.
then, i head a voice from outside the room.
"EH! Me and your mom are re-marrying!Come out and see her new wedding gown!"
I couldnt think too much about their little romanitic revival, couldnt care less in their revision of marriage vows. I was lost in that kiss. i slowly released my grip on what's in my hands, and held on tighter to her.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004 11:44 p.m.
day by day we pay #1(happy valentine's day) souns in the head: Velvet underground's loaded, tones on tail's everything, theGenerators's demo, nick cave and the bad seeds and pink floyd's another brick in the wall.
please read the previous entry first cause its quite recent and u learn more about myself.
Start: where shall i start? hmm, its interesting that friday the 13th exists nano seconds before valentine's day. The former, a day synonymous with images of teenagers languidly basking in puberty and getting killed, by angel of death Jason. the latter, valentine's day, a great day to celebrate love, all red like blood and running down like lemon on your thighs. These days come to me like a juxtapositioning of halves in myself, like holst's planets crashing like waves in everything i do.
at around 2 o'clock i sat at my void deck with my usual discman and fags combo, with velvet's underground sunday morning. 7 days hours ago i was busy serving the nation with presence, gracing the moment with myself made me sick. I had a cigarette and blew at the trees making the lines around my vision obscure, dreamy and surreal, i imagined the colors turning a shade lighter like pastel crayons layed out in front of me. Now where did those kindergarten crayon portraits of MRT stations go, where did those innocent reminders go? ha..
i stubbed out my cigarette at the beginning strains of "i found a reason" letting the smoke trail like the soft strains of lou reeds nonsensical doo-wop. i threw it under the concrete table that most void decks have and heaved a breath in my lungs. I brought my right index finger to my lips and licked it, moistened it, and sniffed on the spittle within the wrinkles of my knuckles. The sick sour smell mingled with tobacco, with my eyes closed made me feel so alive, like the smell of old books, it made me think about how artificial yet so natural it pleases me to do so.
In the evenings pinoy maids wait at the road for children to come home from school, i like it being there when they come back. I let my elbows rest on the table with my chin on my hands, as my eyeballs scanned the proceedings. It was then i saw him.
He was very young, small, primary school and had fair milk skin. Looking like me when i was young, but now i had grown older and darker, calloused by the burning from within. He walked up the stairs after he got down from the bus, to where i was. U see, he was all alone and didnt have anyone to wait for him. The other kids had already gone up, and he was alone. His uniformed looked rather alien, so i'd guess this poor boy went to a primary school a distance from my area, where i swear ive seen all uniforms.
i motioned for him to come closer with my nodding, to come sit beside me for awhile. Through some strange telepathic understanding, he sat beside me. He was wearing an all green uniform, with the collars white. There was no time to figure out where he studied, and i was too engrossed in his skin to light another cigarette. i took out my earplugs, and asked him where is he going.
"my parents are not in. I always stay at the coffeeshop nearby to do my homework first then wait for 'em."
"oh.. then your dinner leh", i said my finger returning to my nose where i could smell my spit.
"my dinner? i wait until they come back."
i looked into his eyes, and i slid my hand under his chin, slowly allowing my fingers to feel every pore on his skin.
The boy just laid his head limp with my hand under his chin, as shocking as it was this submission to my touch, it made me shot up when i remembered my moist sick smelling fingers are on his cheeks. i looked into his eyes and saw that he saw who i was. I could see who i was in his iris and i imagined what he's seeing flow through his veins and in to his blood and through his fair skin. i thought i saw his and my legs tremble, but i felt it was a normal spasm akin to when taking a piss and having an orgasm.
i took of my shirt in front of him and laid it down on the table infront of me. I then looked around that moment and realised that the area was peopleless, empty like an empty portrait waiting to be filled. I moved my hand to my pocket and took out a fag and starting smoking.
"u come to my place lah?".
Next:#2
Saturday, February 14, 2004 12:31 a.m.
how can i heal if i can't feel time souns in the head: Prince's purple rain, soundgarden's badmotorfinger, neil young's uberclassick WELD live album, the walkmen's everybody who pretended to like me is gone, Rachel's systems/layers, the doors' absolutley live, spiritualized's ladies and gentlemen, we are floating in space and neurosis' through silver in blood.
litertature: I realised that i'm still a sucker for romantic novels, well the correct term's rather comtemporary fiction but the romanticsm in the shit, is it. i've just finished rereading an old book that i bought in Pre-u 1 called The happy hunting grounds by Nenne Tapper (i hope i spelled the name right!). It's a traslated dutch novel about a family, incest and speaking your mind. Distinctively european, it traces the lives of a brother and sister's loves from young in the flatlands of east groningen. It's be far the most poignant story of growing up and our passions and needs. Full of small anecdotes of childhood and shots of innocent lullabies, it reads like a fairy tale. I think im the only dickhead who re-reads books but its great to do it and find deeper meaning and details upon doing so. The book feels like classical strings in the intoxicating sickly greens, with your palms drenched in mud and rainwater.
count your losses: It's by far the hardest thing to do now when i cant decide on what course to take after i ord. Somehow... i want to take a more specific course like visual arts, creative writing or international studies but i feel so strongly that i deserve something more than that. I know it sounds like im mister big head or anything. Ive somewhat decided loosely on MDIS' Mass communications program, after reading the propectus i really like it. Especially with the fact that its local, so i dont have to tend to homesickness that i have problems with.
I asked mel about what i should do and was mildly disappointed with what she said. She told me to do audio engineering or film studies. Ladies and gentlemen, i seriously have no particular interest in the film industry with its over bloated money pumping celebrity whoring schemes. I do not want to partake in the death of the story or the episodic nature of daily occurences, basically i do not like confining an overwhelming experience to 90 minutes without a conclusion much less believable.
lay your head on my hand:sad to say i went to zouk yesterday and its the same old shit. It's strangely masochistic of me to go to mambo night and relive secondary school again, playing peek a boo with lill nyphms miming televsion gods. The pain man... the smell of overdone hair with the stink of the female soul never fail to reduce me to a voyuer, waiting for the time to self destruct.
i was totally numb when i left the place carrying with me 3 hours worth of narcosistem masturbation. I got home and put on rachel's. Now when i hear rachel's i understand the classical "purity" in the music, sans vocals sans words, sounding a like wordless disembodied wine to the soul. hur hur.... i felt like i was sleeping in my school uniform beside my girlfriend after in the hot afternoons, right after school.
braided finger:the past few days my voice has been pretty beaten up and hoarse from been sick too long. Which makes me sound a little older in my head, which is funny ha. I think that ive spend much too long pretending that im 16 again just to get back that dreaming again. Like how i used to read my physics text book and hear the verve's urban hymns and go LAlalaLALalALALalalLALALa. i guess its time to start finding other ways to get there. i have to stop this shit cause i know im going to be the last one anyhow anyway.
You are an Idealist, possible professions include - information-graphics designer, college professor, researcher, legal mediator, social worker, holistic health practitioner, occupational therapist, diversity manager, human resource development specialist, employment development specialist, minister/priest/rabbi, missionary, psychologist, writer
economy lobotomy souns in the hed: Spoon's girls can tell, The wedding present's bizarro, Cornelius' fantasma, theGenerators' s/t, Stars' heart, Belle and sebastian's lazy jane painter and this is just a modern rock song eps (beautiful... my god..) and Prince's Sign o' times.
lollipop culture: Prince's sign of the times. PRINCE AND THE SIGN o THE TIMES. PRincE aNd ThE SiGN o' tHE TiME)S! whichever way u put it, its in it. A double disc journey into the funked up mind of Prince Rogers Nelson, well its not all about funk really. Why should u hear this? Well, with OutKast's latest "White album" double disc tour de force Speakerboxxxx/The love Below album hitting it big on the front pages of LIFE today, it's time to rethink what's black these days really.. hahah.
My own personal infatuation with funky black music died when i hit puberty (which was ironic totally considering the majority of the themes in the music!) and discovered Led Zeppelin over Michael jackson.. i was a one time MJ freak and im proud to admit it. I used to watch moon walker like mad on a Pirated m'sia VHS tape lor. Come to think of it now that it was inevitable that i would dunk the funk and start rolling the rock when things started to get much more ROCK in MJ's album Dangerous! Think about it.... Speed demon.. Billie jean's bass line...Black and white... Paul McCartney, Slash, Eddie Van halen, Steve lukather (btw TOTO's comin to S'pore!), David Foster, Vincent Price, Heavy D and got shitloads of celebrities to cameo in his super BOH liao anti-video video "liberian Girl"... Man the list goes on. So he's done something stupid.. so's WHat!! THIS DUDE's THE SHIT MAN!! and all he's going to be remember for's the pepsi commercials and the pro-peace image. Think about this.. anyway this is besides the point.. hur hur..
Rocks to roll: With bands like limp bizkit, Evanesence and other Nu metal bands with parts that have vocals "the complements the song with interesting Rhytmns by puncturing vocabfuls of expletives" otherwise known as rap... What the fuck's got michael got to do with this man?!?! Or Let's talk about the im really DA SHIT kinda rap groups like .... ALL OF EM U HEAR ON THE RADIO! shit man.. k k k... they're a bigger hit with public cause though they black they sexier than all those puesdo indie stars bordering on total hygiene meltdown.. Thanks to nirvana they'll be paid to buy new clothes. Think about it... RAP AND ROCK ...no no... let's get it another way... ROCK-FUNK=HARDCORE.. maybe.. hmmm..
What ever the fucking case what im getting here is how PRINCE's album Sign of the times, Is a perfect example of how funk and rock blends together to produce an almost near heavenly Album.. the same formula that outKast uses has been used by Jimi Hendrix, Bad BRains, Living Color with UBER cool guitarist Vernon Reid, and the king of all PRince.
Sign o' the times is what downward spiral's to NIN, MEllon collie's to The pumpkins, get ready's to no doubt, what the hacienda flavoured Billingual is to the Pet Shop boys, what Kiss me Kiss me Kiss me's to the CURE..... THat A DAMN GOOD vaRIED album does actually do it..And Sign o' the times marks it self as the perfect synthesis between the glam funk of parliment and the wide blue eye croons of elvis come together the way music should be in its wholeness! A FARKING SHIOK LISTEN!
Just listen to "it" on this album.. MAN Prince is doin IT!! its like yea!! IT DUDE!! It's not like the nelly's or the KElly's where they actually feel comfortable being in sex like they were born to... THIS GUYS TORTURED LIKE HElL That he's Always thinking about sex! It's A CRIME!! this song makes Trent REznor's lyrics look like he's really thinking too much rather than being in it.. MAN!! JUST HEAR PRINCE SCREAM When HE SAYS DOIN IT!! Its all about the drama dude...
And and.. if I could be your girlfriend.. man!!!!! Tis songs is the shit man.. This is an amazing album.. why!!?!?!? Prince played every instrument on this album.. yes.. The drum machines,.. the guitars the bass.. and all the shit. MAN Who had the balls to say that he produced the whole album in the OVERproduced 80's man.. Prince had a vision man.. just like hendrix did.. Not forgettin Michael Jackson.. MJ's the king of pop.. and Prince.. well... He's the king of SCCcchchhhWWWwiwiiinnnngg...
***BURP8
sorry i cant think anymore i just thought i'd work my brain abit b4 i sleep but im too tired.. u'll hear more from.. i hope u enjoyed my super fucked up review on prince's sign o the times and convinced u to buy it.. night.
Saturday, January 31, 2004 12:26 a.m.
i think i am ze retard. souns in the head: Star's heart, Reggie and the full effects' under the tray and greatest hits, primal scream's screamadelica, dream theater's images and words, From autumn to ashes' the fiction we live in, joni mitchell's blue and afrocubanistic beats vol 1.
how's now:happy chinese new year to u if u are u!Im now dying of a cold, will be booking in in like a few hours time with mag's copy of Star's playing on the com. Sounds good really.
oh well, im totally broke now. CAshless, i dont know how im going to survive going to prison tomorrow. I'm so going to dieof boredom man, just like i almost did at home the last few days.. ahahaha.
helioglyphic hearts:well its interesting to know how things have gone around these few days. Tons of wierd input really that really got me thinking about people really. Sometimes i really miss the kind of person that can really make me laugh and sit up like whoa. Yea i went out with people like that and it was great. Then i was thinking about my age man... I'm 23 and.. man pple must think im 18 or something man. Oh well, im used to it. Another thing's about the course in MDIS... IT's all getting to reach boiling point man, and it doesnt help that the people that used to say they'd be there for me are now plastic pop-culture posuers.
last night i slept with my lights all on. The Xmas lights and the rotating blue one with the sheeps. I put on primal scream's higher than the sun and it was great really, like something i could feel in secondary school. Earlier on the in the day, i was talking to a friend about how dreaming can be so fun and.. liberating for the mind. I started to think about my own time in the past dreaming like mad and alwayas coming up with wierd sketches and all. Writing, drawing all my X-wing star wars Fan Fic comics... man..How i would listen to Jimmy page and robert's plant super good version of "kashmir" on their "no quarter" reunion album, and get really all dreamy! i missed that man.
i would guess the whole reality of things set down when i was seeing mel. Oh well, in the words of marcus wong "why bother" yea... there's no need to re-hash all this shit and put things into context. I guess for once im really tired of saying fuck u to her anymore.
music: im very dry and tired and uninspired.I really quite fuck care already because im doing mel's soundtrack and.. i accidently recorded the tracks and my guitar died.. problems with in the input jack. FUCK. anyways... i keep telling that stupid woman to come and help out supervise the songs but she's too busy being a NEW york SOCIALITE in singapore. oh well, ,one thing i learnt about in the army, being a specialist and how we view officers. SAME fucking way.
but in the mean time, i've been working still and ... wait should i say i havent really been working? WEll i havent been sleeping much and here it goes.. theGENERATORS is a new thing im working on.. heh heh.. yea.. i dowan to say anything lah.. so just click on the thingie and then u'd find out lor?!?! hahah...
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i have no more thing to say/... im very bored so i shall make a list of books i want to buy:
1)tim burton's the melacholic death of oyster boy
2)CLive barker's weaveworld
3)yunice lim's UNI pop culture: the death of authencity
4)Robert Peters' Massacre at Kent Ridge
5)lorraine pan's Convent girl
6)Wesly Tan's Love is a four letter word
7)Koh Han lin's Void deck myths
8)Eu song heng's in the eyes of madness
9)Rachel Hok's Women of mystery:tales of suspense and madness.
10)Threshold lim's The Singapore romantic and other stories of the singaporean spirit.
if you're wondering where these books are from..well i dont.. i got them from a list that came thru my post office. The titles seems, extremely interesting and im going to be placing my order soon enough.. hahaw wah the stars album is really damn good man///... sound slike VUnderground plus LDOApril....and with abit.. or elliot smithisms... LOU REED's reborn.
Monday, January 26, 2004 09:22 a.m.
where health begins:date rape drugs souns in the head: neurosis' through silver in blood, rachel's selenography,pink floyd's the wall,yes' tales from the topographic oceans, Waterdown's the files u have on me, hey mercedes' everynight fireworks and the cooper temple clause's see through this and leave.
reflec-shaun:after re-reading the previous entry its no wonder why im still dumb. I feel entirely down to my bowels embarrassed that i actually wrote somethin like that. It reads TOTALLY CHEESY@@!! SHHAHAHAAH... man im losing it already... once u disrespect yer own entries and desescrate the nobility of the moment, im my own enemy! Well but its somewhat true really.. the whole madness of it. hahhahaha..
what's on: well.... im be moving to another company next week and all.. yea a new experience and i cant believe that im going to ORD soon. I look at my SBO my old notebooks and i cant believe the amount of creativity i had even when im stuck in mud! hahah.. all these little comics that i drew of "cock man" and "pussy penelope" hahah the two super heroes i made up to save distraught army boys everywhere.. man that's so Crumb yea?
well, so's next week onwards i'll be off to do some stupid guard duty thing which feels more like ive been sentenced to jail! MAN.. im telling u i'm going to be so bored, so if i sms u alot or anything like.. please try to understand. Man.. imagine Guard Duty for a whole MONTH!! man...
musick!:at last, i bought a superz cheapz copy of martin scorcese's the last waltz. Man.. its great really, with emmylou harris and neil young and van morrison and BOB DYLAN!! hur hur.. doing a scathing half hearted performance of forever young and then gettin bored with it kicking in immediately to baby let me follow u down.. which rocks like hot! With beautiful stage sets and every cameraman's wet dream camera angles.. it is truly the best and best rock-concert-documentary i have ever seen...
oh well's alas... i have bought my first neurosis album. Through silver in blood, through silver in blood is a killer album. Well, im not going to use any of that stupid metal gabble wabble to describe the shit, but one thing's for sure... Its damn as well hard to explain neurosis. If radiohead's mainstream's vision of the apocalypse with flying cars and a total industrial crash down, and If tool's vision is truly about aliens and wierd medieval curses and all... Neurosis' vision of the end of the world is more than the sum of that, experimental and truly truly hell-fire blistering. With experimental sound collages and a string section, its inevitable the band ends up sounding like a metal godspeed or mogwai somewhat..at times.. IT EVEN sounds like At the drive in.. or something! truly it is the greatest to hear a neurosis song.
its best the characterize the band's music as metal, because nerousis in it's essecence still takes itself after the template set by Black sabbath. With fringe topics like the wierd landscapes of human fragility and religious discourse taken to the extreme and soft reflective if not ambient passages pepper the psyche with.. well.. more than enough to say that you're not alone. The band succeeds i feel because it sticks closer to that sabbath template more than any other band. Its as though listening to all those earache label bands and sleep or whatever doom metal candlemass shits prepared me for this man. Neurosis is the radiohead not only of metal, but the forceful violent slipstream of truly truly rocking pscyhed up rock. Oh yea.. it's not for the faint hearted.. hur hur.. check out the soundbites for neurosis sounds click here!
oh k.. gtg... time to go to camp and shit.. hee hee.. oh yea saw the gathering and i think that christina ricci's damn hot now.. shit!!! ITS DAMN DISTRACTIN THAT she's top heavy!! ARGHHGHGH!GH!GH!GH!!GH! k k kkkkk kkk kk
Sunday, January 18, 2004 08:22 p.m.
jesus lied to me. souns in the head:pink floyd's meddle, the wall, wish you were here, echoes. Medicine's wonderful world of, dream theater's awake, the spinanes' stranded, the silencer's cyclerific and lisa ekdahl courtesy of jacob at quixotic solliquay... heh..
tender surrender: after weeks of being comfortably numb (also the pi(u)nk floyd song with the best lyrics in the world.) deliciously scaring the shit out of myself with clive barker's books of blood, john carpenter's the thing and alot of horror films. I sat in church today, with my head in my hands, saying that im going to let myself open to everything. Emotionally, and all. I told myself that i would say a real prayer for once after a long while at the most. I closed my eyes tight so that i could "concentrate" on my prayer and really really just... open up inside really... and it was ugly. before that a feeling that it would be alright, that things in there would already be fine and all, at least that's what they preach at church, but i didnt like it.
perseverence:in sweet reverence i opened my eyes to find myself like james stewart in vertigo. I hate my heart really sometimes. Now do u not wonder what i prayed for? nothing much really, but i felt like the string to my ownself were cut and i was falling down into my knees. I was conned into doing something that would kill me again.
losing streak:i must never ever see mel in person again. It seems that i just cant meet her in person, i realised after watching vertigo that i experience a very strong vertigo like/ swimming thing in my head everytime i see her. I used to think its that stupid ex-girlfriend and u know kind of thing, but now i think otherwise. I feel very drained and my head really starts gettin light and all. why? Maybe its because of what i did earlier on in that little curious prayer? Im afraid not so. I told her once that she's everything that i hate the most now in life and during mass i wanted to lift it up to God and tell 'im that that's not what i want to think for the rest of my life. So's i had to open up. I hate that.
mel and me talked about the film that she's working on, the one that made me totally gaga over scary naughty things again. Well, its not like i never was really, when i was young.. i used to have a super large collection of R.l.Stine's fear street books, which were alot different from the cheesy shit goosebumps series now. Somehow it got me back to what i used to do. yea..
dispensed:somehow these few months i've never felt younger than before. Last night i showed dominic some pics of me before and man.. its so not me the guy in those pics. The way i would front with my girlfriends and shit hahaha. I feel much better now than i would then, i feel like shaun soh. unfortunately seeing mel, doesnt so much give me that nice feeling. In fact it's threatening.
my head feels like its not supposed to be there.With my hands shaking like mad. It's not about that stupid ex-lover nonsense on radio. Its been 4 years since we broke up goddammit, its more than its actual self. It a fucking psychological condition, that makes me the greatest idiot or other people who are going thru it are fronting not be affected by it.
yesus dont call me.(im looking for my heart in the furnace):im now sitting in my chair in my room, listening to pink floyd. It's dry really, the room and the music. The earphones are getting all rusty too, coagulating with the dense air that runs thru my veins. Somehow the walls are all getting out of perspective, like i wasnt actually looking at the ceiling from where i am, but rather away from where i am.
everytime i see mel or anyone like her, the reality or rather whatever truth that still lasts to this day remains: i am a soreloser, who's a spoilt talentless brat. with nothing much to spare expect for being a poseur. Poseur. I dont deserve to be loved much more to love. I deserve to burn in hell for all the ive done. Without people like me. there would be no hell for u to be afraid of.
Sunday, January 11, 2004 07:42 p.m.
the second new year entry
i was thinking of tanking something some anthropology or something. Im really interested in human cultures and shit. Its beautiful really, least to say im beginning to see the importance of difference or to say, how much the difference was made. it all started when i went to the stomping ground album launch gig on sunday. It was great really, metal harcore and all. Met some old friends too really.
fast foward: Mandai road. It was a wierd getaway on christmas night. I had just left church and called chen to pick me up opposite the church. I didnt want to stay long cause i didnt want to give in to all the pretence of merry christmas. I mean if you really cared.. why didnt u talk to me during the year? Wait till 25th december to fuck me? haha. The whole idea of being uncomfy wasnt something that i like really.
At mandai, i took another swig of beer and started the mid morning with chen julius marcus and car. It seemed very empty there as the morning slowly died, so did out bottles and bladders. I realised its being some time since i actually thought about sex and all that shit seriously. Not that i miss it.. but.. it felt alot less pretentious talking to these guys about it.
driveby:ive spend these few days in cars, mainly chen's and its quite amazing. Went to brandy's house and watched audition and STACY. I love brandon man.. hahaha. with his stupid PJ shorts and all. We got lost in the pie and all.
new year night:normanton park. Arthur was seated beside me while dom and me were singing out to the chorus of dylan's "i'll be you baby tonight". I kept wondering which idiot would play bob dylan songs and dance on Nyear's day. Well, that would be me and i totally loved it... Then all of a sudden i just wished that i could dance with someone to lay lady lay. I screamed on top of my voice to its all over now baby blue. Then when the guys were sleeping like dead men... like dead 2003 men. i put on sigur ros.. the only time i'll play it.. and it felt like an apocalypse.
home:i started off with this idea that i could take this really. Went jammin with the guys again. This time i really have no more fuel to play music anymore. I need a muse. hahahah. YEa its all about the girls really.
more next time
Monday, January 5, 2004 08:58 p.m.
hep B neu ear 2 all avery1. eye ker. souns in the hed: Prick s/t, deckard's stereo dream scene, the mermen live at the haunted house, stabbing westward's darkest days, frank zappa's waka/jawaka, mogwai's my father my king and lots more shit...
chinese to english:oh mi gad its the new year. 2004. And it feels alot different. That's not until i actually did alot of things over the week tiring myself totally out, i really think im about to get a fever soon.
things to do:well, watched school of rock the otherday with mag and rach. The movie made me very very emotional dunno why. I mean u should really look at jack black when he's shocked that the class doesnt know led Zep like he does! Like he's talking robert plant jimmy pagey.. man.. sigh and the best part's that they dont fucking play stairway to heaven. hur hur.
it just reminds me of how much i have played out the rock gods. Forgotten that secondary school pass of ROCK! the Ac/Dc...the kiss, the la guns, man... the Led zep the sabbath.. the deep purple.. of all these classic dino rock bands.. i loved Led Zep the most. One to rule them all man. I remember that the first ever photo that i took with my first guitar was in a lep zep shirt.
e-diots:well, im not really in the mood to write anything deep and shit about the new year cept that, ive changed really. i guess i can feel it kinda like slipping away from me, the whole rock out thing. hur hur. I used to read all those tough hard cerevbral emotional shit! Now im reading all that nice cold bloody CLive barker shite.. hee hee. Somehow im really glad that im not attached or anything, its true what they say about being single. Its like i spent my years in secondary school like in a relatiohship that i couldnt like.. develop!?? So that's why im retarded. ta dah..
oh well im going back to camp soon and.. alot of things are going to change this year... for starters im going to ORD.. haha... im going to quit smoking too, im going to buy myself more nicey clothes, im going grow my hair into a robert smith pulp of shit, i want to be better friends with mel, im really looking for the oppourtunirty to kick the shit out man.. really.. kick it out.. yea..
