joy is overrated, like mac donald's burgers sounds in the head: king crimson's lark's tongue in aspic, miles davis' E.s.p. , The innocence mission's various, comets on fire's blue cathedral, the jealous type's various and the jayhawk's tomorrow the green grass (i just cant seem to grow out of this album really.)
happy meals: so here am i again at the shop, i just got the aircon to work alright again. it just keeps slipping into timer mode, which switches the damn thing off, good to know that humans have again fought the machines into submission again. YAY!
anyways, just before i left the house, my mom gave me this uber lecture on happiness, and having a peaceful mind. For starters, i have eye rings that make me look like those old chinese vampires in classic Hong Kong movies. I look so ultra hong kong goth cool, kinda like raymond chow when he turns BAD to the bone.
my mom was telling me about my neighbour's boy friend, that he looks .... as u might have guess peaceful. she went on about saying how ur looks reflect the inner peaceful self. Its so mashavishnu really. Frank Sinatra looks peaceful sounds peaceful when he sang Moon river, Bob dylan sounds Pissed like fUCK when he sang "idiot wind" but he was peaceful.. yea peaceful like a lion ripping a DEER TO SHREDS in the FORESTS!
upsize: just moments ago, i was talking to this girl i realised one thing. I have this penchant for scaring off girls really, its just this sick wierd gyneth paltrow/ F scott fitzgerald novelisation of all the girls i want to know. I have this tendency of imposing some wierd vibe on people. then again, most of the time the appreciation kinda runs thin really, at the end of it all it all blows in into napalm fueled drum roll from tony williams. Between the peaceful and the troubled is there a gap? What is that space in between. The empty from the filled? Or vice versa, the filled from the empty? what is it that matters.
i would really like to fill up that space with unlimtied credit from a super bank. The other day this person smsed me and asked me if i had a scholarship or attending any overseas university. For a moment, that magic moment, i had this really stupid impression that someone was offering something, that someone has seen some spark of genius in me! That someone has been secretly stalking my every single efforts and sees the TREASURE in it. It was nice to bask in that feeling, all of a sudden a million and one lines of possiblities just fall into place. Kinda like that feeling when tell someone u love them and that space between the question and answer. That space. hahaha.. we all love that dont we.
so i didnt even bother to reply the sms and ask WHo the hell are u until i sat down and had a smoke, well, there are depressants in cigarettes which works well for those soiltudes with reality. It turned out that the person was just getting my particulars for some interview, it was then i realised also that she spelt my Shaun as Shawn. A few days back someone smsed my name as Shuan. Its terrible really, being in a english speaking country and people still mis-spell my name, like a chinese name, Shu-an. it kinda says a little more than the o-level results for kids in general nationwide on monday.
fried away: u know i hate the feeling when u have this extremely disappointed that u prepared some failure along the way in life, and it actually happens? the worse that is. U think to urself, oh WOW! my preparations works! at the end of it all, u did. Its this strange personal aversion to find the right means to soften the blow of disappointment instead of thinking how to succeed. Its like all the imagination we had when we were young, u know the joy in just animating your collection of Gi joe action figures with enough dramatics to warrant a heart attack or brain anerysm, well by today's standards. All this imagination gets thrown up in the sky and falls flat on the concrete pavements that u get used to more, after u start walking along them more as u grow older, to get to all these places and all. the wide expanse of imagination just gets used for setting up the best failsafe
plans, so that u dont get fucked over bad when things go wrong.
and after all these pavements and concrete that u get so darn well used to, u see the anonymity of the steps u are taking. Some people put on colorful nike dunks, some people skate, some people drive their mini coopers, some people study overseas. once i was obsessed with not looking at the floor while walking, imagining myself with panaflex eyes that could see this wide panavision across blocks and blocks of sky and sun. its this wideness that scares the shit out of you and u get pretty excited. in view of this im sorry but i have neglected the pavements that snake around every damn place.
what's next week!? when u have tomorrow!??!: school will be starting soon and i promise to archive this whole entire page of nonsense. The next module will be on psychology, and there are some extremely up tight rules with it. Like absence from one day would deduct 10% from the overall score or something. behavioural science. ha, thanks to CSI, i would believe that some of my classmates would dedicate their imagination on absorbing the lectures with that of a profiler from CSI. I think its pretty funny. Predicting people's thoughts has always been a hobby of mind (pun intended), it kinda gives me a security that transcends everything.
im so terribly afraid really. i think im going to slip into another depressive fit again. and this time its from something else different. i know when i start listening to Miles davis and king crimson im trying to express something that i cant find no word or picture or sound to, i guess that im trying to find something called surrender. To the possibilites that matter not on what pavement we're walking on, but on what's up ahead. and that means you to. aRRRrrrrrgghhhh... i just so hate this. no man lives on love alone.
michael bolton's lyrics come to mind. i like the album,kind loving tenderness last time, i had it on cassette and i heard it for the duration of a busride all the way the genting highlands. It felt like a darn cheesy karaoke mtv. I cant imagine the fact that listened to it all the way, along with the hacker's soundtrack on cassette.
on miles and miles of tape
i trace sesame seeds
on the naked brown of my hamburger
coiling the distance up
in my living room sofa
in the arms of my mother.
pretence has never felt this so carthatic. ha.
Wednesday, March 2, 2005 03:28 p.m.
Wakari sen#5 sound in the head: auburn lull, album leaf, nasum's 2.0, esocharis and camera obscura.
ok the entry b4 this was done just yesterday so if u want to look for some real blogging or writing or whatever fuck.. read the previous entry.
the reason why im doing this is because im so pissed fucking pissed. Well kinda mainly at the fact that i couldnt see concave scream play. Oh well. nvm. but there are these little episodes that argghhh... started this whole i hate myself thing real hard. Ok so im at the shop yea. i guess im in need of some pure post tropical equator Aircondiontional love..
last night i had this incredible dream. First one i ve had that really mattered in a while really. I just realised sub consciously where my priorities just happen to lie, that my atttention span for things shorts out faster than a yuppies glass of wine. This is so sucks man. i really feel like just going down to zouk later on and just shit it all over the place man. oh well i dunno. i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate i hate.
oh yea CIGARETTE PRICES HAVE GONE UP TO A FARKING $11 sing!!! WAT KINd OF WORLD AM I LIVING IN! seriously.... god help me really, what the fuck!! FUcKKkkkkk1!!!!!!
i wonder if im going to really really die SOOn just from constant heartbreaks really. Oh yea.. and someone said i was mad. i so want to kill myself hahah! that's so wanker right. Shit man.
LIVING THIS LIFE SUCKS
Saturday, February 19, 2005 07:17 p.m.
inspirational airconditional love #4 sounds in the head: The warlocks' phoenix, van halen's fair warning, mew b-sides, mercury rev's the secret migration. royskopp's melody a.m. and the police. Anyone who knows wear to buy andy summer/robert fripp's collabarations on disc do tell.
at least really: im now at the shop, so what else is new right? ha. Well i just heard that one of my classmates will be deferring her studies at mdis to go to taiwan, to record wow. Can u believe that. She's going to record with some group and then later on go on solo. I think marvelous really, i like it i dont know why the whole excitement, jet set music that's what i like to call. A pop star kerouac riding that highway of popmusic is no different from a stupid indie cock head riding dead infuences, both end up being real to me, i guess.
i guess sleeping early has helped me clean up abit, and also the fact that i started recording some stuff, so i feel this overwhelming sense of FALSE achievement that im banking on, so that i dont feel useless. one things for sure, when im updating this blog really often it could mean two things 1) that my brain's started working again, and im actually taking my thoughts seriously. 2) im lovesick or something like that, worse than a drunk ah pek.
considering the above reason(s) why i am updating this blog like super often, i think i am a total idiot.
well u have to look at it in different context i guess to see past all that self-deprecating idiocy that i bask my consciousness in. How wonderful!
Alana's leaving tom for brisbane again, she's going to be coming back this year because she graduating i think. Whatever the case she's graduating soon, and that means its working girl. oh god. seriously. Im going back to school in march, after this long break from what work. i am so out of church, which cancels out a supportive spiritual community for me (damn... why did i have to be so bitter?!?!? hahaha). im scared of my old friends; i would guess that this happened when i lost my handphone and all my numbers, and i keep getting these wierd numbers and im just so paranoid, so i wont answer them. i am scared of fianacial death. Basically im scared to shit of life! damn what a coward.
well being the usual typical male, i admit that i periodically buy FHM. Yes i am a lover of the female form. I buy it once in a while, depending on the cover girl, to give myself the illusion of a discerning mature MALE magazine consumer. Oh and that includes staring at incredibly long times at the juice club pictures. At the back of my mind i keep telling myself "I KNOW SOMEONE I KNOW SOMEONE" of course, i dont really. Take all these stupid publications that i buy together and u have one really really, dis-informed and anorexic boy. Everytime when i read these mags i feel this glossy sheen just painted across my psyche, kinda like the same feeling when i watch the oc. Whoops.
ok, so ive had some thoughts here and there running around the whole board. That i have to make some money from my home recordings. really. serious. purely from the money really. i'll bluff some indie rockheads. ha. Actually i have to admit something, there one incident that really really, just stopped me from passing my music around, in fact many, but this one just came to mind. I remember once when i made a disc of all my songs, and passed it to this guy M. i gave it to M as a thank you or sorts, because he got me this stint at the shop, but i remember he just left it there. yea i can remember how pple really really.... faarrkkkk..... yea... just really.....farrrrkkk mannnnn.... yea.... faaarrrrkkk (the way brandon would say it) fffaaaaarrrrkkkkinnnggg heelllll.. believe it or not i guess it all started...... 5 years agoooooo...
*flashback*
*Blink*
im hate to say this buti remember feeling damn shit about mel. i had just bought my four track and i was recording some quite gerak songs. I was damn excited and i wanted mel to hear them like mad, but she wasnt that excited. I guess she was just more concerned with it being a hobby of mine rather than something that she could particiapte actively in, all she did was just, "nice nice", i guess i expected her to be more particpative, after all i played guitar with her on vocals for church (argghh that heavy chesty feeling)
after that i made numerous little songs eps and shit for her for like 3 years in a roll, for valentine's day or some stupid doe-eyed occasion that would ease whatever terrible sorrow after the break up. The other day i smsed her about having my DV cam back, and i was thinking abt asking her whether i could have all my recordings, mix discs or whatever back. I was shampooing my hair (herbal essescne just makes me think. i dunno why) in the bath and was thinking whether it was the right thing to do. I came to a conclusion; it wasnt no but that im not thick skinned enuff to do that. What a coward i am.
i guess. im still damn scared.
Friday, February 18, 2005 03:52 p.m.
Stupid hobbies sounds in the head:Cult of luna's salvation, Gentlyfall's neverfigure, Rem's New adventures in HiFi, mission of burma's RCA label comp, interpol's antics and manitoba's up in flames.
i cannot take it.
im in the shop and its damn as bloody humid. I feel so sick and i dunno, if anyone has a near death experience let's just say ive been having that feeling for the past few days. Im totally retarding my health with these damn cigs and late nights really. Mag's already left for melbourne which means one more person that i can talk to gone, along with brandon overseas. This really sucks.
Last night i had my only visitor for the chinese new year period, my classmates adrienne and vanessa. I was totally surprised that they wanted to come at the last minute, i mean we dont really know each other (i cant believe that ive said this alot of times over the past few days. Is it me being protective? Or being realistic?) Its was great and vanessa looked really great, esp in her dress, maybe its because i havent seen her in a long time. Anyway they just went around my house, looked at my dog, nothing much, well i let them see my (as Rachel says) Aircon repairman cum mechanic room. You know how they say that having guests in the house is good? Gives the house a new fresh breath of life to things. Well made me think again abt considering having a party or something at my place maybe in june or something.
hobbyistic freak:ok so ive spend all my red packet money on two pedals that im really really happy with. After that day when i got my dod fuzz pedal, much to the reluctance of alot of people and got that "sound" that ive always dreamt of. I went to guitar gallery and got myself a voodoo labs superfuzz, and Lo and behold, its beautiful, a wonderful balance of the sonic extremes of my amp and guitar breaking. I can nail down the stooges shit as hell guitar sound, i played "search and destroy" by myself yesterday alone and sang alone like a sweaty angsty sec sch boy. Let's just say i dug out my old dinosaur jr. and yo la tengo stuff.
the other effects pedal is a first gen non-led Voodoo lab Analog chorus. Which made me go nuts, because, i can now nail the andy summers "message in a bottle" sound, Lush as hell transparent and colorful, this chorus gives what me and chen call the "expensive chorus" sound. Well, its not that lush to give u that Dreampornxxx sound, but enough to nail that crazy ass vibrato in medicine's "time baby III".
i guess the reason why i dont mind spending and beggin for all these stuff is because i feel that im getting closer to what i always wanted? instead of just listening to cds and going ooooooOOOoohhh andAAaaaaaaaaAAAhhhhh i can do it u know. Anyway, for the first time when vanessa and adrienne went into my room, i actually felt darn as hell embarrassed when i showed them my cd collection, they must be thinking "Oh BOY THIS Guy is a total FREAK". I havent felt so ashamed of myself in a long time. I have to admit i was totally nervous.
the new deal: anyway, last night i went on ebay for fun and i saw this lovely guitar on ebay, another Talman. It is so love at first sight, but do i really need it? So here i am, i have 6 days to really ask myself whether i really need it. Especially with the current state of things concerning this whole music thing, that i am really losing a lot of faith in things, in a way. Even my m-audio mobilepre has been put on hold, i know that having it will open more avenues of possibilities, or even allow me to make money from recording my stupid shit, but...... there is always this infinite "but" there.
speaking of which, u know how i keep saying "that we dont really know each other" to new friends or girls that i take a fancy to, i think its actually about my relationship to music, that i dont think that i dont really know the music anymore. afterall these numerous bands and all that've passed and all, trust and confidence all wasted, and all the strange judgements and all. Its like how music is subjected to all these wierd shit, and it just hits the fan and goes splat.
oh well. just a FYI kind of shit. That i thought of the other day IMO the most perfect album of songs that i want to make when i get a band, or a proper homerecording thing, or that talman.
1)Cornelius-fantasma
2)The brilliant green- los angeles
3)The wrens-meadowlands
4)King crimson-starless and bible black
5)Jesus and mary chain-munki
6)the smashing pumpkins-machina
7)Sebadoh-bakesale
8)sonic youth-Evol and Sister
9)pavement-brighten the corners
10)geneva-weather underground
ANd more ... i just realised that i cant stop. ok ok.. the first 3 are the ones that matter. thanks for listening
Wednesday, February 16, 2005 02:58 p.m.
Your hand in mine #3
here i am its 5am. I cant sleep for some strange reason, could be the coke i drank just now at dinner. I had like 2 cans of coke, i drank it hard and fast and im beginning to wonder whether the caffeine's doing good really. I laid in bed for a hour or so and i woke up, still feeling heart palpitating like a boom box. I just watched an episode of Xfiles, lazurus, i just looked thru some old photos because i knew that the palpitations wont stop. well its been quite a while since ive looked thru these old photos of my old church posse.
well some things have happened over the past few weeks or so, and i realised how much of my past experiences that i impose on new ones. I might be over protective of myself of sensitive, but isnt it logical. for some strange reason i feel my heart really beating fast, this is not normal for sure, i really have to quit smoking my late night, redbull addiction isnt helping, my heart is so overworked for the wrong reasons i guess.
The past few weeks, ive had some unexpected finds, within myself and my relaltionship with people. I realised how much a bastard i am, that i only concern with myself with what is immediately available to myself. In the light of that i cant help but also feel that way abt people. i believe that im not the only one. I feel a great sense of responsiblity, concerning my presence with people. I am a judge of whether i am good for that person or persons. I cant help but go along with that premonition that things arent going to be so rosy if i continue. My heart is beginning to really beat fast. Im scared.
The other day i walked home alone. After i had bought myself a pack of cigarettes. Chen had gone gambling with the rest of the neighbours, which wasnt surprising afterall i hate gambling. i sat down by the table at my void deck and i had this sudden epiphany: I miss my old church friends. These few days i realised how empty my life is, and the prospect of me ever feeling like its new year eve again cannot be achieved. It all started with how i feel i must avoid contact with at all costs in church because, they are simply assholes. I cant help but feel it really. For me, the reason why i cant see them eye to eye lies in the fact that im envious, im jealous above all, im angry that they didnt listen to me. like some spoilt brat i am. After all, we were still growing up. I sat there laughing to myself at all the stupid things ive done.
how things within me, went sour for them, is still a mystery to me now. I always tell myself its because of what happened between mel and me that caused it. I always felt that it made me see how much they depended on God then themselves in consoling me, that made me see how selfish they were. Especially mel. I can see them growing older, and i can see myself growing even older. these days i can see evidence of a major blowout coming again, where i really need to make decisions, again i am disappointed.
the other day somebody asked me if i felt that i was a difficult person, which i found it weird, because the extremes of my personality are well within tolerance. Now, that i think of it, i am a difficult person, because i see things some ways that others dont. I am also a coward, that i douse my fears with deepset anger and frustration, causing damage only to myself.
at the voiddeck, i asked myself what was the happiest memory i ever had, and i realised how it has been since ive had one, one that i would carry to the death bed. how ive tired time and time again. with god with friends and all. That one time that the church people, mel and my sec sch mates put up a surprise birthday party for me. i was really happy. So much so i cant remember anything else cept that brandon was wearing a stupid Beastie boys il communication shirt, and that mel was there. Well here and then some. Afer knowing how long it has been, since, u cant help but believe that uve pass ur prime. Well until i find a suitable community or Church to fit myself in and contribute, so that i can find new joy, haha. i made it sound so lame. and predictable, but how can i when i can already see the signs that make up a disaster.
today i told someone that i feel an increasing responsiblity to the concept and the music itself. What a stupid thing to say. i feel like giving up so badly. I just cant help but realise that the more u want to part of something, the more u know, and the more u hate it. I hate it. That's why i didnt mind taking mass comm, although ive made it clear to many people that i hate the media. i cant help it but these days have been absolutely aimless, and i need somesort of solution, flirting isnt a solution, mediating on broken relationships isnt one (we'll leave that to current new emoposuers), i need a real solution, that's as real as that very happy surprise b-day party. One that i can just shut up, and just sit back, i dont even have to talk much, just soak myself in the thought that i am who i am.
My palpitations are slowing down, i see no one within whatever group that can help me, or talk to me about things. Its beginning to show really, dusting off all the lame fairweather jokes and talk, u really see things for what they are. I hate it when pple take me for some slapstick conversational slingshot. i remembered a time when someone was there, and with just a smile and all she could make it all go away. bury it all into the skies. it hard to imagine that something like that can ever happen again. Its not that i choose not to believe.
my heart's beating fast again.
I want my voodoolabs Superfuzz. i love fuzz.
Saturday, February 12, 2005 05:15 a.m.
#2
i hate you. i so hate you.
i hate u so much that i hate it when i hate you
i cannot make any shape of you but the scent i know
i want to strangle you. cripple you
i want to make shred out of you
i want to smother you with every single piece.
i want to live in a animie
i have no wants but a strong desire to serve
and u all stop me from doing so u all stop me. So much. It all of you. i want to seperate myself from you. U say yes all the time and i say no, who will give in. How can i reconcile what i need.
brace yourself for this. a whole new brand new you. in 6 different flavour for everyday. rolled up in cheap cigarette paper. A whole agenda that u do not see.
Monday, February 7, 2005 04:11 a.m.
Paging youth.... are u there?#1 souns in the head: Mono's under a pipal tree, Pavement's Crooked rain crooked rain, Rufus wainwright's want two, wilco's a ghost is born, Bloc party's silent alarm, auburn lull's alone i admire and Lali puna's faking the books.. and honorable mention to a hardcore band jamming way too loud with the vocals way to loud and... arggghh im getting old.
#!: so here we go again this is my first entry in a long time, from what i remember a few weeks back i was telling myself that i really have to get down on this world view paper that's due this saturday. Well, i havent done it yet, actually, but i kinda did like 200 plus words of utter rubbish about what i think about the world. I will not hold back on what ever music culture references if i want to smoke out on this paper. A few weeks ago, i casually made an offer to some friends about getting someone to do it for me, for a 100 bucks, there was an offer but what the hell i decided to do this on my own.
anyway things have been pretty wierd these days, i fell sick and had this real bad flu and cold, started me off with these wierd obsession with TVB dramas and the cultural revolution. Well, i might be just rationalising that its all part of the research im doing for my paper, but then again, who counting. These days have been tough on me physically, for some strange reason, i been feeling really exhausted, the other day i was in total cold sweat and these dizzy spells which seem to have no end.
well, i feeling really strangely mellow these days. I just bought myself a Fuzz pedal and its only when i started buying guitar equipment thati realised what i difference it can make. today i can officially say that i just managed to get the guitar sound that ive always wanted when i was listening to pavement, sebadoh or Dinosaur jr or sonic youth ... it nearly made me cry. Yea.. i know... its like totally guitar geek but its nice really, after all u manage to get something that uve always dreamt of. Im happy that i made some tough changes like selling away my fernendes LP copy and all. all in all, today i tried my fuzz pedal and, i didnt get a pumpkins sound, not there, but i got myself a sound that.. i dunno ive always wanted the real shit intimacy in the notes. Its a great feeling. serious. I can play with my tele and talman the whole day and record songs that i feel now really mean something.
ok so today im at home stuck with the essay which is due in like 3 days time. It sucks really, my brain is dead and my classmate managed to do it in one whole night. oh well, im going to pick up a few cds from HMv later on. see what i can do. really for the paper im like pretty .. excited.
i dunno these few days people like Chen has been subjected to my wierd exclaimations that the atmosphere's "like australia xiale". I dont know what it means exactly but its doesnt mean word for word. I guess it means that there's this wierd feeling of contentment. some of my friends will be leaving soon. In fact all the good ones. These days ive been thinking about how things happen within that clique kind of thing. Something's been happening really, somehow someone somewhere's giving me this really cannot take it vibe that's really blown me to blissful bits. so much so im ready to self destruct.
another strange bit, ive been having shit loads of dreams that mel's getting married. and i know it seriously. She is. oh well, call it intuition or what. u can look at it in many ways i guess.
the other day it felt good to jam with marcus again. We had this relak jam with jerome and kai and marcus. It felt good working with marcus again esp now when he's totally grown as a musician whereas i have just... become alot much more retarded ahhaha. It felt good like we knew where we were going and all but not yet still? im really happy playing rythmn guitar like all these chunky Mbv parts and all. really sweet. But something's missing really.. hahah.. i really have no more energy for some strange reason.
i dunno i might sound really really cock for saying this. but 2005 is a year where i really feel that im getting old. that ive really passed my prime really. i will write some entries on it soon. i dunno really... hahaha
life's long enuff for me to remember what's happened 10 years ago.. so its pretty scary. and to rememeber that brandon and me has been friends for a decade. i admit that i enjoy subjected myself to hazy memories of sec sch and all.. just thinking abt all those times. really. abt 5 years ago with mel.. and all. sometimes i sit up and just look at my cd shelves and i can pick up all the albums that ive loved. And my books.. old books... i have a whole collection of astro boy comics that i remember where and how i got them and read them. and a few copies of battle tech books. a poster of radio heatwave 98... with the padres (their last gig), gentlyfall, camra, the jabs, flying pills and more with a stage pass hanging (its strange that i treat the local music scene so much differently than b4), a poster of richard ashcroft wearing a limegreen lacoste polo tee. A poster of billy corgan in the shadowns during the MCIS tour ripped from an old issue of guitarschool, a small poster of the smashing pumpkins final shows in '00, a poster of pearl jam circa yield, a monkey doll that mel gave me.
sometimes i really drown myself in these stuff. I think its because im feeling something that's really positive some strange presence that's kicking in and telling me this is your life shaun, u can either be who u wanted to be or be the man u never thought u were. When i was in pri school, i always wanted to be a pilot, and my dream was to fly a RAF spitfire and shoot down blardy messershimidts and do bombing runs with a typhoon. i dont want to be a part of this really.
Wednesday, February 2, 2005 05:48 p.m.
souns in the head: Mono's under a pipal tree, Pavement's Crooked rain crooked rain, Rufus wainwright's want two, wilco's a ghost is born, Bloc party's silent alarm, auburn lull's alone i admire and Lali puna's faking the books.. and honorable mention to a hardcore band jamming way too loud with the vocals way to loud and... arggghh im getting old.
#!: so here we go again this is my first entry in a long time, from what i remember a few weeks back i was telling myself that i really have to get down on this world view paper that's due this saturday. Well, i havent done it yet, actually, but i kinda did like 200 plus words of utter rubbish about what i think about the world. I will not hold back on what ever music culture references if i want to smoke out on this paper. A few weeks ago, i casually made an offer to some friends about getting someone to do it for me, for a 100 bucks, there was an offer but what the hell i decided to do this on my own.
anyway things have been pretty wierd these days, i fell sick and had this real bad flu and cold, started me off with these wierd obsession with TVB dramas and the cultural revolution. Well, i might be just rationalising that its all part of the research im doing for my paper, but then again, who counting. These days have been tough on me physically, for some strange reason, i been feeling really exhausted, the other day i was in total cold sweat and these dizzy spells which seem to have no end.
well, i feeling really strangely mellow these days. I just bought myself a Fuzz pedal and its only when i started buying guitar equipment thati realised what i difference it can make. today i can officially say that i just managed to get the guitar sound that ive always wanted when i was listening to pavement, sebadoh or Dinosaur jr or sonic youth ... it nearly made me cry. Yea.. i know... its like totally guitar geek but its nice really, after all u manage to get something that uve always dreamt of. Im happy that i made some tough changes like selling away my fernendes LP copy and all. all in all, today i tried my fuzz pedal and, i didnt get a pumpkins sound, not there, but i got myself a sound that.. i dunno ive always wanted the real shit intimacy in the notes. Its a great feeling. serious. I can play with my tele and talman the whole day and record songs that i feel now really mean something.
ok so today im at home stuck with the essay which is due in like 3 days time. It sucks really, my brain is dead and my classmate managed to do it in one whole night. oh well, im going to pick up a few cds from HMv later on. see what i can do. really for the paper im like pretty .. excited.
i dunno these few days people like Chen has been subjected to my wierd exclaimations that the atmosphere's "like australia xiale". I dont know what it means exactly but its doesnt mean word for word. I guess it means that there's this wierd feeling of contentment. some of my friends will be leaving soon. In fact all the good ones. These days ive been thinking about how things happen within that clique kind of thing. Something's been happening really, somehow someone somewhere's giving me this really cannot take it vibe that's really blown me to blissful bits. so much so im ready to self destruct.
another strange bit, ive been having shit loads of dreams that mel's getting married. and i know it seriously. She is. oh well, call it intuition or what. u can look at it in many ways i guess.
the other day it felt good to jam with marcus again. We had this relak jam with jerome and kai and marcus. It felt good working with marcus again esp now when he's totally grown as a musician whereas i have just... become alot much more retarded ahhaha. It felt good like we knew where we were going and all but not yet still? im really happy playing rythmn guitar like all these chunky Mbv parts and all. really sweet. But something's missing really.. hahah.. i really have no more energy for some strange reason.
i dunno i might sound really really cock for saying this. but 2005 is a year where i really feel that im getting old. that ive really passed my prime really. i will write some entries on it soon. i dunno really... hahaha
life's long enuff for me to remember what's happened 10 years ago.. so its pretty scary. and to rememeber that brandon and me has been friends for a decade. i admit that i enjoy subjected myself to hazy memories of sec sch and all.. just thinking abt all those times. really. abt 5 years ago with mel.. and all. sometimes i sit up and just look at my cd shelves and i can pick up all the albums that ive loved. And my books.. old books... i have a whole collection of astro boy comics that i remember where and how i got them and read them. and a few copies of battle tech books. a poster of radio heatwave 98... with the padres (their last gig), gentlyfall, camra, the jabs, flying pills and more with a stage pass hanging (its strange that i treat the local music scene so much differently than b4), a poster of richard ashcroft wearing a limegreen lacoste polo tee. A poster of billy corgan in the shadowns during the MCIS tour ripped from an old issue of guitarschool, a small poster of the smashing pumpkins final shows in '00, a poster of pearl jam circa yield, a monkey doll that mel gave me.
sometimes i really drown myself in these stuff. I think its because im feeling something that's really positive some strange presence that's kicking in and telling me this is your life shaun, u can either be who u wanted to be or be the man u never thought u were. When i was in pri school, i always wanted to be a pilot, and my dream was to fly a RAF spitfire and shoot down blardy messershimidts and do bombing runs with a typhoon. i dont want to be a part of this really.
Wednesday, February 2, 2005 05:48 p.m.
Your mother never heard this song
this is a total impluse entry. Maybe i write better ones when i do it like that yea? i just came from town from a total impulse purchase of cds. When i was in secondary school, i straved to buy 9.90 cassette tapes from popular bookstore at toa payoh, i bought my beatles albums like that, starved and fed not with physical food but by the beatles, some wierd mana from heaven i sustained.
here am i, quite tired from going out, sitting in my room, with lucy in sky with the diamonds playing in the background. I just got myself a EHX phaser and, i just have to listen to the beatles again, i dont know why. Ha. A few years ago, all i wanted to do was to sing like george harrison or john lennon, you know the nasal squeal that sounds akin to a choir boy rambling. Ha. then i heard elliot smith and sean lennon's old Grand royal album. Ha. And i knew it could be done. I even recorded the tracks speeded down so that my voice would sound really high on my tracks, and of course, the doubled vocals.. hahha. i still have some songs like that, or and with the total lyrical mess of metaphors and shit. to tell you frankly i hate paul McCartney, its like he's the sell out beatle.
long ago i had this wierd dream after school back in secondary school, all smelly from school and all, I took nap on my living room sofa, and i dunno why but i dreamt that john lennon and the rest were behind the sofa, and John came forward and tapped my knee and smiled. I woke up with a start and i was like worh! days later after that day, i found an old photo burnt with age, all yellow here and there, it was a photo of someone playing with a dog in his backyard. It looked like some photo that maybe my grandma had taken of her employers (she was kind of a maid to an australian family in S'pore) during her work. At the back was a little message scribbled and addressed to my dad with a date, i cant find the photo now, but i remembered it was in the 70's. I found the dude vaguely familiar. It was only later that i realised that the dude in that photo was actually John lennon. As to why the hell it was in my possession is a mystery, and why it was given to my dad, or whether it was one of those superphoto cards in some long forgotten 70's Beatlemania Fan mag or anything, i dont know. I remember somehow that i saw the photo in a some beatles anthology magazine,
for quite some time, i imagined in my hazy teens that i had some god given mission to be like john lennon. Ha. Strange enough, i didnt buy any john lennon autobiography nor listened to any post-Fab four lennon material until recently. I kinda just dug it man. The spirit and cool of that Lennon. I would kinda guess Ok.. in a thick skinned way, the same way Bob dylan couldve been fascinated by James Dean.
at least to some extent, at this point in time, that i didnt have a 60's boy band mentality to the beatles really. I mean alot of pple still think of the beatles of a some sort of oldies band, god.. its just strange really. personally, for me the beatles album that i started out with, and first true beatles single that i love dearly and if my head had an Itunes player under the most played track, would be tomorrow never knows. I love revolver to the death. And after that, i skived enought money for the white album. The boredoms never ever sounded so much a part of that tradition. I was disappointed by alot of albums after that, all those "classic" ones, esp in this Psychedelia thing. Namely I would say Grateful Dead's Aomomoxa (i hope i got the spelling right) with St Stephen's Blues as true spaced out ruminations of the vast expanse of desire between not having and receiving. SHIT did i write that crap..
So here am i listening to the most epic track in Sgt pepper's lonely heart's club band, the perfect mid-album song by george harrison, within you without you. Sitars and more indian instruments soak the sonic landscapes with some wierd spiritual aural magic and george harrison's beautifully treated vocals sound no less a part of the instruments. then. ALL IS BROKEN BY WHEN IM SIXTY FOUR! DAMN PAUL MCCARTNEY!!! DAMN YOU!!! AHRHGRGAHRGAHARGHRRGHAAGRH
this is the exact feeling i had in the past too. I hate it when just after that track u get paul singing When im 64. Arggghhhhhhh..... SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE NEVER CHANGE.ok he's not that bad actually, when he sings lovely rite its ok... I remember my friend's sister was called Rita, and i sang that song, ha. Somethings just stick in yer damn head.
some facts need clearing up. I remember hearing that Jimi hendrix played Sgt pepper's lonely heart's club band during his concert at the isle of wright and it was wierd, because the album hadnt been released yet or something. Ha. correct me if im wrong really. I neednt to clarify.
Oh well. after all we only remember what we want to, the way we want to, which would be to our benefit, that it'd be good. it may not turn out the same way after all. that if we actually were aware of our true memories as they really happened, it would be pretty much uglier. We all bask in the technicolor comfort of our fantasy of memories we deem true and correct, i guess im going thru that mid life thing where i want to test every drop of it. that my life as i remembered it is not what it seems. Well at least now at this time i can be certain of something that were true then and true now, that the beatles still rock. And im happy that im not the kind of music listener who thinks that the beatles is all about The Beatles but the beatles and their musicianship.
Thursday, January 13, 2005 08:04 p.m.
the wonderful world of love.
the reason why im writing this entry is because i want to write an album, or some conceptual collection of songs. Ive not written or made up a darn focused piece of music and i have to now. Im thinking if i write it down in my blog i will somehow get cracking one it. I really want to start one, so im going to start writing some lyrics and all. Gather some stuff ideas and all, alone with gathering some info for world view paper, which is due Feb 5th.
today has been somewhat i wierd day. i walked along town by myself to the lush sounds of drums and pan delay guitars. It felt good, the christmas lights were all down again. i wore a white t shirt out today, along with my torn jeans. I dunno why, i might be abit big headed, but it felt good wearing shit like that, i felt like a jack kerouac character. he couldve written about me somewhere hahah.
its strange that these few days, ive seen alot of new couples popping up everywhere. Is it me or the tsunami disaster has brought boys and girls together, cuddling up, in that heady display of affection for each other. Love can tear us apart, but can it hold us together. For a long time the phrase "love will tear us apart", gives me much food for thought on this concept of love. ok i might be thinking of love again, but im sure as hell that its alot different from how i thought of it a year ago, or a month ago.
i really feel that alot of things have changed. Really. Namely for some strange reason i feel the age, i dunno why. i feel the age of trying to love, i feel the age of longing, i feel the age of being singaporean, i feel that age of friends, i feel the age of smoking, i feel the age of drinking, i feel the age of other people's behaviour be it older than me or younger than me. I find myself not part of any age. really.
musically, its been 10 years since i first allowed my ears to be raped by the loud volumes in the Roland Jazzchorus amps in boon. the electrostatic neutron shot up electric blue. Of course we can calculate the points in our lives where we felt the same sensations, fold time rather memory in two so that the two points meet, and relish all that ambiguity that our lives have in between them. Sometimes, these days, i try to forget stuff, so that i can remember things, i feel that all these times i have done too much to remember things that are not needed, to that of not being able to find anything new. I have come to terms that the future is really what we make of it, no amount of planning can determine the boundaries at which tomorrow will work on. Im hoping for something that i cant see really.
sometimes i wonder whats to happen to me. somehow my mom's been warning me of been taken advantage of many times. i really think that im someone that;s very easily taken advantage of really, All along i thought i wasnt really, well i guess this time im playing along really. haiyah...
i'll be updating my blog more than often because i have to prepare for my world view paper, and i need to organise some ideas and develop them on this blog. comments anyone?
Tuesday, January 11, 2005 01:50 a.m.
It takes awhile to know that i mean it souns in the head: Envy's from here to eternity, bethany curve, Kings of convenience and elton john's goodbye yellow brick road.
first and foremost. i want to apologise to all the pple whom i have slagged about the king of convenience album. The album is good and is difficult not to be emotional attached to.
Another album is belle and sebastian's tiger milk. I am sorry. It is my fault and sheer snobbishness.
anyways: today was kinda a long day. i went from the east to the west to the north to the central. i kinda sold out today. I guess somehow ive learnt the reason as to how people break certain bonds and all to things. I've learnt that really falling in love is so hard on the knees really. so hard that u cant help but loosen up and pee all over the floor.
well to all the people who visited my site and realised what a sick fuck i am, im sorry hahahha. yea im just trying to keep it real with all these gooey pretensions. I mean really should just write all these short haikus and just trim things down right? seriously i kinda prefer all the robustness of all these silly large junk of paragraphs, filed to the brim with red herrings and non sequitors to bore every one. fire it up Doctor roberts
today i went thru a totally long bus ride, and i realised that most of the old pple hang out at old people orchard road... geylang. serious. U see these old farts having these Loud chinese chess competitions and all, retarding their sense of time until they die or something. -black and white, red and green.- and the funny thing is that its the place where prostituition explodes with cultural vulgarity all the way from ah bengs adorned with pure pasa malam regalia (no fear shirts in all colors) and men with three rifles shirts with their colors blackened from their foreheads. I cant imagine. serious.
the whole scene from the bus played back and forth was broken from one of a couple. Both of them were seated along the walkway of old shop houses there, eatinfg some dessert and they were seated within a loving distance. i liked it alot. i mean the whole innocence transcends all cultural depth or epistomological distance. and then i realised where i was on my way to. GOD FORBID. anyway i cant say much. have to keep mum about certain things. let's just say i went to buy cigarettes from a most unlikely seller.
standard deviation: so what's my cup of tea these days? basically ive gotten obssessed with the Ju-on series, which i think is a combination of Poe's greatest poems, A silver mt zion and Monet paintings. Absofucking beautiful. If there was one movie id make it'd be Ju-on. its really nice i just felt this incredible emotional weight at the movies final climax. it just shot me uup like apollo man.....hahhaa that sounded so wrong.
anyways ive taken a deep interest in china.
i think singaporeans take american pop culture wayyyy ttttoooo seriously.
and now thanks to the increasing number of pple who "widen" their horizons
overseas, more think they've returned to singapore with the forbidden fruit from the garden of eden. watch out for promiscious female PHD holders with a soft spot for chocolate and potato chips and sylverster sim to your door steps soon.
shit man i so am avoiding this feeling. arraaghrhgrahar
i said something to myself stupid today. and if someone had told u this what would u say? It feels like some narrator dialogue in some stupid 80's john hughes movie complete with the dangling Rob lowe earring.
"your smile is the kind, that makes musicians write albums, not songs, not one album, but albums about what keeps them alive."
cheesy, lame, juvenile, depressing and outwardly pretentious.
god i m so getting old huh... hahhaha time to start thinking about living!
help me:i just watched ju-on:prequel, ate two packets of indomee's mee goreng, had a fast as hell drop on jim bean, engaged with a conversation with someone i really want to spent time with, bought an ibook, not bathed for two days and smoked a cigarette which snaked its way in and out with so much ease.
so its christmas.brandon's not around at all, i gave him a call the other day, and spoke to him, i love him to death man, so much so i feel like a homosexual wannabe.
just today i while eating my instant noodles along with my jim bean (my head's rocking back and forth while i write this), that if i were to kill myself, as in shut myself off, only three people would understand why. Brandon, marcus wong and my dad. For some strange reason that i cant put my finger on, only these three guys would understand why. its not like i dont love them or what, well, its entirely out of the love thing, but these guys would just knoe. Somehow or rather i understand that these guys would somehow be aware of my position in the world at large, in the middle of this big black picture. the strangest would be my father, somehow, all my life, i feel that i wasnt meant to be. Its like he didnt really want a son. he knew what a fucked up world this is, or rather the machinations that this world works on; the draconian nature of things, the wars, the failed relationships and the minuteness of our lives can never ever amount to what we dream of.
when i was young once, my parents brought me to one of the national day celebrations and as we were walking out, i looked at the sky. the sky was of a different color, tone, tinge of purple, just right after the fireworks, and all of sudden i was strangled by this immense feeling of doom. I felt that the world was going to end, and that nothing else mattered. i remebered wearing shorts and my favourite shirt, and i kept thinking that nothing else really mattered, as long as i had them on. I went home in a taxi with that foreboding sense of deep dread of the end. I feel asleep with the idea that i would wake up dead.
the tragedy that happened yesterday was a big thing. "big thing"??? haha.. disaster. I feel a certain connection between things like that and all..the death toll rises to the neck and sri lanka. God the pictures. the smell of wood and salt. While my friends are all talking about what new entertaining binge to indulge in, while the girl that i really want to know about is fighting for her future, while my best friend is singing birdsongs to some celestial audience. is this the new year like u dreamt it?
i was reading two books during the course of this discourse. Iris Chang's "Rape of nanking" and Raymond Chandler's "farewell my lovely". Sometimes i wonder why i do things like that, but its interesting to find yourself in new postions of emphathy in this world. I am greatly affecting not by the facts, but the tone in "Rape of nanking". Death is something that people forget. It temporary with regards to the big picture, to that consciousness of totality. My death would mean nothing, when all i strive for in live is for a satisfying death.
past few weeks, are the weeks were i am feeling an immediate and trying resistance to play music. I feel that i need to talk to the other bandmembers about. never in my life have i ever felt this way. I feel that i am who i am, that everyone else thinks i am. celebrate. All those people who have felt that i am nothing more than my pretentions as a music-lover out weigh my worth as a normal Cog in society rejoice, i sucumb to your ideas. I am nothing worth than a 3 dollars decca reject disc at gramaphone. For some reason, i have neglected the fact about who am i playing for. I realised that all my life i have been playing music for someone in particular, what i last remembered it was for melissa. then it was for myself. I dont see myself in the big picture anymore.
tomorrow there's school, the last remnants of my youth are wearing thinl. Ive found someone who'd inspire me to live life this time, not for music. I really am toughing out with this incredible sense of longing. Deep deep longing. god oh awful things like thatl. I dont know what to do. The deepening irrelevance of everything i do is everywhere. i have abandoned myself to the lack of innoncence.. i want it back but where do i start. Sometimes when i look at the sky i can hear it screaming something that sounds like my name.
with strains of some economic policy and the deadening silence of the people who died from the tsunami, i want to put my cheek on your back. please? oh please... i want to feel the numbing comfort of darkness and the blues hues of your smile.
oh God.... i am so in pain
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 01:54 a.m.
This vicious love. souns in the head: Cocteau twins' Milk and kisses, Rufus wainwright's want one, The wrens' meadowlands, Vhs or beta's Night on fire, Mira's various off their website and Down's nola.
I dont know: Here am i. Im quite all ruined now. My appetite is at a strange all time low and im reading raymond chandler, im in this total state, where im treating my life like some case that a classy Fitzgerald doll gives me. I know im not going to solve it.
well these days have been fun, and true enough the answer, well not exactly.... but the spirit of self dillusion was everywhere in today's lecture. How fun is it to cast magic spells in front of pple. To some classmates, im the essential mat rocker, to others the Homosexual one, to more the slacker and to myself, well.. myself. I could damn well be a harry potter.
the weather's breezy and windswept, brushing yourself's tough these days when everything gets swept away. Remember how every christmas when u would meet friends? And talk like nothing bad's happened? Let bygones be bygones they talk like and of. I am the modern man. I think and live eons later than myself, and in that future i see nothing but myself. I dream that i am somesort of god. IN the meantime somebody i know's Wondering if im gay or something while i drool over Elisha Cuthbert.. *gag*
String, strings and more strings adorn every corner of this diorama. Well, strings like the ones u see in a yamaha keyboard. I think that the best and worst rejections are the ones that u give yourselves, the ones that u percieve having. I am so stained by seeing things too far off or too near in. IM now reading Ayn Rand's The virtues of selfishness and it feels like some wierd Kafka esque self help book, imagine Gregor Samsa, cockroach mode reading Ayn Rand.
In view of this object of my affection. I have composed countless one dimensional dialogues careening, in and out of all the subtleties of the dynamics of human relationships . Word by word and vowel by vowel sometimes i swear i can hear her breathing. I hear with my brain all the dopamine releasing itself like some hot slut in orgasm.
Most of the time, in lectures, i stare at the clock in between breaths. Looking at the two hands, the hour and minute ones, as they play some patient ballet around numbers. The black on the white, in their arabesque grace like zouk platform dancers, all nice and prim, no sweat please, no sex please- Im only dancing john. The arms hurry in a cyclic beat, with the minute hand the most pronounced while the hour hand glides within nano moves. If i stare hard enough when the arms are at their exact symmetrical positions i can feel the longing between their distance, when they are most far apart. I can feel the line drawn so sure so certain, at the furthest and the most far apart the two ends where i imagine the heart of the hands are at. Afterall, when we read the time, it is at the ends that we determine the time.
Sometimes i am so wraught with anxiousness when both are nearing, when nearing. hour and minute.
one's always nearer than the other. The hour one, but that one moves slowly. The minute hand moves fast, away always running away. Gotta catch the hour. Gotta catch the minute. I have the whole day what day? U cant tell the day from a clock, all numbers! What meaning do u assign to these numbers? I do not believe they only tell the time...
then.... it's 12 and i have to leave the lecture room.
bon voyage summer.
Tuesday, December 7, 2004 06:57 p.m.
Patience is a virtue #2 souns in the head: RAdiohead's the bends, Coldplay's a rush of blood to the head, Husker Du's New day rising, Radiodept's S/t and cocteau twins' Treasure.
As u can see im updating my blog alot more than often, alot more then often.. in fact a lill too often! i wonder why.
i went downstairs just now for a smoke and i found an old casio keyboard with its battery totally screwed up. I took it upstairs, and found that it needed a 7.5V adapter to power it, i doubt it'd be able to work on the AA's because its all rusty and fucked over. Well, tom i'll hop down to Thomson plaza to get the multi voltage adapter and see what i can do. Its pretty exciting especially when it has this strange pitch screw thing at the bottom side and i cant wait to hear the cheesy sounds it can make! Btw it comes with a Wierd world classic music ROM card, i bet its fucking old.
the wedding: today i went for my cousin's wedding at marina mandarin. I was dressed like shit. Like shit. Wearing my dirty old converses like a Hobo really. My mom had to tell me to wear my glasses so that my dark eye rings wouldnt be too obvious. My sis and i were playing phantom planet's "california", just to tell myself that i didnt look that bad, just very "OC", well that's the consolation i guess. Well, to tell you the truth i was awfully bored to death there, so much, that i threw out whatever REFINED being i had left. Oh well, it was quite surreal, the fact being that it was really pretty boring, and the fact that they played the theme song from beverly hills at the start of the first course. I have never ever seen so much pretention, frayed and painfully honest pretension all around avoiding only the table with the most number of DRUNK, Cognac swinging ah-peks.
well as i said earlier sis and me did end up looking alot different from the rest of the kids our age at the wedding. While we were leaving this lady kept staring at alana alot! I wonder why really. i noticed alot of pple staring at us. It goes to show in damned marina mandarin ballroom of... i dunnno how many pple, only two were like us and that's us. I mean i wasnt that outrageous or anything.
well today's little shindig with matrimony just made me think alot, i mean what else is there to think at wedding dinners? Other than the fact my uncle and bride's mom kept asking me when i was my turn, all u could do was try to bask yourself in the atmosphere. In this case, there was no way i could drown myself in that fairy tale dream. It felt more like a business like merger of two commercial partners. I stared at the stage alot, there wasnt anyone on it the whole time, the bride and groom were never there but going ard tables talking. I watched the photo presentation of their lives and all blah blah as a attentive as a student and still couldnt get anything out of it. To my horror. I came to a harrowing conclusion: I cant get married. i didnt see any traditional hearts or all that romantic imagery per se any where! Not even on the menus!
music: The other day, i picked up some old photo albums and realised that ive been a total music addict for 10 years. Since i was damn well 13. For some strange reason. When Adrienne asked me abt whether i did anything exciting, it got me thinking big time. i dont know anything at all, and i just met her, she's my classmate and little does she know abt me. People now take damned great pride in saying stuff like, oh i love slacking, sleeping and reading and all that procrastination that passes of as hobbies and all. So has music been a form of procrastination? The same way people smoke or masturbate all the time?
i begin to really think deep into this shit, diggin it big time. I am sick of going to zouk, well it was great for as long as it lasted really, all the fun times and alcoholic distance covered that i never really recovered from, all makes me want to quit smoking now. I dont do beaches because im well... im quite modest abt walking abt half naked and all with my belly hahaha. im not exactly a beach boy kind of guy. I mean the question is what do i do that's exciting? I struggled with that inquiry that couldve been on behalf of an indeterminable number of friends-to-be. I even asked her what kind of excitiment. that's when i realised what a selfish bastard i am.
music is a solitary mass that i hold on a daily basis, well to others to another degree. I justified it by reading shitloads of nonsense abt it, most notably, my favorite shit book, richard meltzer's aeshetics of rock. i loved the ride really, playing in bands and all, i really do. Since ive worked in the shop, i realised how many musicians remembered chocolate tiger, and how it was a band that had potential in its day, hopefully it wasnt out of being polite. the strange thing is that they dont remember me playing for them, only marcus.
just now my uncle asked me if i wanted to join singapore idol and i totally put out this strong emotional manifesto at him, about my own "aesthetics of rock". I realised how shallow i was, about how much i have emptied music in the view of insincere songs and fattened pop music pigs. suddenly, in that moment i thought about how much i have died with things to do with melissa.
somehow, i really think that im getting older and older. My youth has already being spent along with the late nights up excavating my youth in the internet and music. the furious fervour, a fever has been cured unfortunately by one thing that burns just as bad: My anger. Yixin made me realise that the other day, i was relating to her some things that made me extremely angry, and she called me immedialetly and told me some stuff. The conclusion was that i was flinging too much anger, building up all these grudges like sky scrapers in some beautiful park, distancing myself from the grass on the ground. Its the same thing as having fantasies all the time and having your head up in the clouds, only thing this is anger.
when i look back i think about all the places ive searched for inspiration. Even with god. Its not there. Somehow ive given up the search and maybe that's when i find it, along with the tendency to harbour grudges. I have to tell myself my grudges this big and many cant fit in a boy like me.
i've made the decision to sell my guitar and buy a nice christmas present for someone that i think if i make happy, might inspire me. 400 bucks... and i wonder i what i kind buy with that. Im not looking for romance, or heavenly porno sex, or dramatic love endeavours, im looking for myself again. I feel like im 13. 10 years before i started becoming a music fan, before i found that passion that made me do many incredible things outside of music. That made me fall in love with mel, made me have the best years of my life, made me find God, made me love my dad more, made me see that life is really fun.
10 years ago, i was thirteen and i dreamt that i was a rock star. That i was in love, with this totally beautiful girl that i met. That i was insecure of the future. That i could make pple smile and talk abt me. That i had a Fernandes black les paul copy. That i had a life less ordinary.
cheers.
Sunday, November 28, 2004 02:19 a.m.
Patience is a virtue souns in the head: her space holiday's young machines, Cocteau twins' Treasure, last days of april's angel youth and the spinanes' manos.
Dead end: here i am. The whole morning was spend in a damn emotional escalator. I guess its the damned weather really, all the cold, comfortably numbing rain soaking up your cloudy thoughts all the time, just suspends that natural reason that u need? For things esp. Its serious that i think that im a damned waste of time. For the record, im a serious procrastinator for the obivious reasons most of time. School work, sleeping, proper meal timing and even music. Somehow.
im having this damned pain, this all too familiar pain. This sweet aching, that is caused partly by the fact that i used overused cliches to describe it. Even more so, that the whole damned situation is a damned cliche and i know it. Somehow at 23 i feel like ive lived it? I really cant be bothered to soak up in things, anymore.
earlier on, somebody asked me if i did anything exciting.
