nil#1 seris 2- wallowing willow souns in the hed: interpol's turn on the bright lights, Astrud gilberto's jazz masters, Jimmy eat world's clarity and static prevails, best of stan getz and jim o rouke's insignificance.. and the album that saved me from feeling shitty... the very best of PRINCE... yes... hur hur.. Purple rain is the greatest 80's ballad.. screw november rain on that one..
point of meeting: I just read some old diaries as realised that i dont know anyone who keeps diaries like mine. Shaun's diaries dated 1995-1997 had stupid lyrics that soun sexier than prince's, had really good drug induced drawings of the following bands over and over again: MC5, Smashing pumpkins, Jesus and mary chain, joy division, the stooges, sonic youth and led zeppelin.(rather boredom induced at that matter) weird huh.
It was funny reading all the things that i wrote down and recorded when u'd think id forget. Wierd characters that i never remembered existed, like analog audrey... yea audrey yeo hur hur, was in CHIJ tp too. The kind of girl that i knew i could never ever be with of friends strangely. I remember doing something really artsy like recording one side of nothing but feedback and drone guitar (ala the stupid keijo haino noise-jazz pretensions) on one side.. and ta dah.. the analog audrey album. which i do no where it is now, albiet not havin a four track then.. i wasnt afraid.
turn a lass around me: last night, i have never felt so alone in my life. Sitting outside at the grand copthorne hotel sitting down, present at the densest party-pus watering hole last night.
It was alot more crowded than the usual crowd and everyone was packt like sardines. I cant remember how i feel but it left some aftertaste in my taste buds that feels cold and icy.i danced too little, felt too akward to engage into the crowd strangely, the girls and guys were much less than supernatural spectres of my past.
I met shit loads of people from various points of my life. Old school friends some i liked some i didnt, from sas from JI from SOCE from Sispec from church... the guys im with.. in a drunken stupor i kinda guess u might recieve your sense much more than its worth. The place stank of sweat overdress ah lians and ah bengs, officers and chinese angmohs, balding old men with syrupy toga tie dyed girls, all lost in some world. I kept thinkin of some distant memory of roman empire orgies i read in some osbourne fact book or something. I basically spent all my time trudging thru meat walls being polite and careful not to bump anyone, while disco light mimic the tv baghdad nightsky, flickering to wars on the dancefloor. Even the familiar stench of perfume-colonge cocktails was gone, along with the neon tainted smiles of pseudo-nymphs was forgotten. With tabacoo tipped fingers and thin eyes, i looked for the guys like mad.
I kinda wanted to give up, went outside and sat for a breather and called miller up, because i had just called her the day b4. I have never felt so alone, and the sight of too much people made goin back all the more harrowing. i did in the end after i sobered up a lill and left the entrance of the copthorne hotel to pick up the guys, leaving a dozen or so guys and girls and couples feelin screaming, crying or hysterical as though they just saw demons in their heaven, in their alcohol woven wombs.
helping yourself:i have nothing to say about helpin yourself first before god does, because there are millions of people who dont bother reflectin heavily and end up hurtin people without knowing. How do u know when you're helping yourself? When u wake up in the morning and do something extra special like wear a new suit u bough or tidy up the house. It just souns as shallow as any stupid "feel good" article in women's magazines.. men's too. Exhausting every possible oasis in the desert to understand rather than to feel good is what im doing now maybe, i cant be certain.
i'm not saying that im acting out the role of broken hearted romantique and speaking spanish for the sake of it, I'm always looking back and looking now to see the whole picture. Dont u want to see the full potrait of your life? Is it a monet? a Otto Dix? a Van gogh? A dali salvador? A warhol? It doesnt matter Wat u see even because its just a metaphor for a message, paintings and music. Sometimes the message is clear like, sometimes there isnt a message at all... because there isnt but a great individual feeling that will lead u to another thing. Peel away the translucency of your memories and u will find something hopefully.. i;m trying still... see you
next week... lots of love from me.. ok?
Thursday, May 1, 2003 08:33 p.m.
Changing places. Souns in the head: the locust's s/t, last days of april's ascend to the stars, hopesfall's no wings to speak of, Anberlin,mae and holland on mp3.com, and u will know us by the trail of dead and charlie parker with strings... and the brand new beautiful deftones
single "minerava" and "cant keep breathing" from the forthcoming self titled album, may 20th..
incidental relationships: I went for a jam with joe and tat (or ted?) at boons to try out some stuff, but things just didnt gel the way i wanted . I feel very dissappointed that im having so much difficulty to find guys who patience to put up with my super frustrating song writing and guitar playing. It's really about a lack of me really, no proper lyrics and guitar riffs i guess or something. Anyways its just off, perpetuating the sinking feelin of total creative frustration, and im still choking.well the jam ended with 2 songs that i super do not know what to do with. talk about being totally unable to do what u want and it means everything.
precocious memories:I went back on my word and listened to the pumpkins again, this time on the bootleg 1997 where matt walker takes over jimmy. I remember that the pumpkins concert was the best thing in my whole entire life, i still cannot believe that i cried when jimmy chamberlin played the drum rolls for cherub rock. I was just so damn fucking happy... esctatic's not the right one.. hmmm.. its like i touched heaven or something really. Im pretty small sized and the guys around me where all towerin over me but it felt as though that it didnt matter if i could see them, it was a feeling that defined music for me truly, that feeling that everyone's everthing and all.. sigh.. and when james iha bent over the monitor speaker to play the extended solo for porcelina of the vast oceans, it was like..
man.. i really felt something connected between the people at wTC hall 6 (if im not wrong), i made friends with guys from malaysia, met wierd itchy punkdrunkboys and old friends.. feeling cleansed from the purgatory of the concert.. feeling love after chanting love is suicide from bodies... it defies all logic really. It was the happiest day of my life.and i didnt smoke as much before the concert... hah..
finding ways: after the jam last night i set off to town to do some wandering, something i missed doing. It was at orchard mrt station that i happened to meet one of my recruits. He looked at me and greeted me "heylow sergeant" hahha, i told him not to do that coz we're outsied camp and we're all the same.We went our ways around town till we went our ways home.
This recruit lived in sabah for 18 years of his life, did his a's and o's there and applying for local u. He's singaporean, actually he's chinese-japanese-sabahan or something yea, and he usually comes back to singapore once a year, he came back a month before he enlisted to get himself acclimatised to the environment. I brought him around town and told him where he could get the cheapest cds and the cheaper drinks and all.. i mean u dont just buy a coke from mos burger yea? it'll blow yer wallet off.
somehow, i felt no different from him, and that's why i spent the whole time with him, i didnt shrug him off and say ive got my own thing to do. I just felt something, i didnt know his name even. he didnt have any friends here and felt very alone in his platoon, and i'd understand. It's scary how much different i am sometimes and i empatised with him. I tried convincin him about thinkin postive that the situation allows u to learnt about acceptin other pple u dont noe, at the same time i was actually doing the convincing for myself.
petitioning the night: i did a very bad thing yesterday. I shouldnt feel guilty about it really, and the thing's that only ever stupid shaun would do it, trust me. I did it because i had to i guess, to retune myself to some loveless noramlcy that pple bask in. Redevelop myself into a proper mean lean popular culture machine and watch friends and buffy. I just cant relate to anything ,not anymore but neverdid.
autumn in shunfu road:im going to be straight about things really. I realised that i cant bloody well fell anything these days. i dont want to talk to anyone about it cause i seriously dotn know what it is.its the same thing really, soulmates meant to be dead, blah blah.. hahha. The cotton over your eye's being drawn and u realise that what u feel is not what i get, what u see is not what u hear in your head.
the incredibly loud throng of longing just rings ever for heavily in my chest so much i seriously feel like puking after i bathe myself. It makes me nauseous, dizzy and sleepy. I hate booking out of camp these days, cause there's really nothing to look forward to. Book out of camp get the new cds and books i want and i'll be happy, but everyone else gonna think im a totally no life freak and that's it. I dont want to be seen like that, i'm sick of it.
i love the music really, i walk thru border's and i feel so guilty and sad and goddam lonely that i've got to do this again cause it's the only thing that i love doing. I bet the staff there would be going like "oh, there he goes again.. ha ha poser". I go to the bookshelves and see people browsing thru books fast, u can see they've got some really great appointment to go for after that, and i dont. I just happen to meet pple on the streets which i always and double always do.
Epilougue:last night i just went home and met with the guys for prata and my love of my life, vanilia coke. guess who i'd met.. Julia.. i havent seen her in a long time and well she still looked and sounded the same i guess. She was with this guy and they were walking straight up to my table. I called out to her, she said hi and well u noe the small chat thing. U noe its funny when u see old friends and they end a small chat with a premature "oh see u some other time bye" when she's sitting next to me, i guess its because it was akward in some way duh.. and u look at their faces. I was wondering wat she was thinking really.
she was mel's bestfriend and mel's boyfriend back in secondary school, the usual middleperson in some relationship, yea it's boring but it is. Yea and i used to talk to her alot, and u noe play pranks on each other with own nostrils hahah. Yea.. but all that's in the past and u really wonder about the thin membrane that seperates memory and the present, does it come like an afterthought, like in the way her eyes where lookin down? she looked embarassed in some way. it makes think about the past when mel would introduce me to her friends.. tat kinda look. And then she'd give me her own look and it would be best thing in the world. mel's look hahha...it was almost as magical as a smashing pumpkins concert. (late siamese dream period ones.. hahah)
conclusion:people change really, i can see so many faces that i thought i knew when i walk down town, but i was in my face when i met julia.
in the meantime poppy z brite's drawing blood rocks and is my new favourite author.next time... man missing
Sunday, April 27, 2003 04:10 p.m.
listen to this... Art is not a mirror.. It is a hammer Souns in the head: The locust, A static lullaby, hopesfall's the satellite years, Swervedriver's 99th dream, ejector seat and shine, poison the well's opposite of december and tear from the red and the cure's show... man i totally love poison the red.. managed to download an entire ptw live show in orlando, u should really see how people go wild to nerdy.. btw check out a static lullaby 's "a sip of wine chased with cyanide" and finch's new clean cut snag punk rock image in "what it is to burn" vid.. fuck man.. they're getting big.. hope they dont mellow out like cave in a lill.. oh wells!!
Situation:Had guard duty yesterday.went for mass and never realised that the reason why im so numb's because ive been hurt fucking bad in some way by something. And its eating me up inside. PTw's stuff just keeps me gettin to the core of this really. Im sorry if i didnt feel any shit for easter and good friday when im suppose to. Really tired and wasted, feels like youre not going to have any children to buy books for.. let alone give them their first bible, their first great rock cd (i'd choose mellon collie and the infinite sadness and then jeff buckley to start for them, oh yeah and also cranberries' no need to argue.. oh and the led zep.). It all feels like it has crashed in here and here it is.
lipgloss heart: i am not depressed first and foremost, u do not see things like that when u coil inwards like fucking millipede i'm not runnin away although i so much want to. I'm just playin my role, and doing the neccesary research, watever that meant really. If i grew why are my guitar licks gettin more and more unimaginative? hahaha.. yea rite.
i missed out on so much shit really and i still feel that i wasted so much of my memories on it. Minimelodramas and micro cinematika romantics segue into what i am now? Do u know what i am now? god....i just...im too polite for my own good sometimes i feel suicidal, it takes alot more heart and mind to be polite and im tired. It takes time and money and heart and mind to stay clean off the tiredness. Im hurt really bad once and all, im still looking for a way out and turning in/out to watever god thinks and shit isnt goin to work out the same way.
i'm just sick of gettin fucking hurt without even knowing or knowin and not telling. I wish that i didnt have to take it out on others, its like since be recruits came in i've been seein stuff in me. Stuff's tt's been waiting to jump out, and grab u by the neck. How i care so much for them till i would fuck them continously, how it works...i really care for them but who cares for me? My platoon sergeant.. my pc? my mates.. if any of u know me well, im the most misunderstood person in the world, im used to it, but to take it on an hourl basis...
bleed myself dry:all the friends have died off, whatever friendship.. all that really mattered really. Then i start to feel too much for the pieces of u in me, and start to claw your way inside to just hide.
twmg is welsh for noise:Today at mass, i looked at all the parishioners. This is like anyother church, but this time i look at all these faces, i see hypocrites of sorts i dont noe. I feel not at home, i see familiar faces yea, familiar conversations but it wears off in less than a glance. Then the question comes as who u want to see then? knowing is the beginning of myself being a godamm hypocrite, a selfish spoilt brat who wants things his way. Ive given up my private world for u, i've decided to lock away all my old cassettes.
all those years all like dead celebrities, it feels like u noe them every minute detail and never stop learning in autobiographies thru prose and film, u never stop been fascinated by them. After awhile u decide that u never learnt anything from doing so, and move on leavin your fave popstars to their own death greater than physical.
im kind like a tranquilised monkey chokin on a banana. I'll do whatever i can... but i cant tell anyone why the banana's in my mouth at all. but all i can do is silently whisper to the moon, if anyone's listening u can catch a few breaths and that's enough, enough for the next breath.
Monday, April 21, 2003 12:21 a.m.
withered and blistered to burn souns inthe head: the cure's boys dont cry, galaxie 500's this is out music, godspeed u black emperor's lift up your.. , hopesfall's no wings to speak of, the cranberrie's no need to argue and love and rockets earth, sun and moon.
withered:its good friday and alot of things have really changed. Im sick and tired of all the stupid shit around really. Liars im telling u really, hahha, newly baptised pple already lying hahah.. really i'm not joking. A priest gettin into shit coz of some embezzlement. Noisy kids and nosy old fogs....
blistered:i cant do anything for the church anymore i suppose, my guitar playing's too angular and all for nice touchy piano pieces i think. Francis was there but had to leave because of some stuff. It looks like im not the only one who feels like that. Everything feels so empty really, the only thing that's there so to speak's the aircon and all.
burnt:i walked around the church during the lenten virgil by myself in the early morning. i lit a cigarette and went my way taking a stroll around the space which mattered. The church had been renovated and everything was put out of place somehow. Like how the church used to face the main road, used to be so warm and sweaty. I can say that i felt alot for the church so much that i could do whatever i could for the church, do this and that and all. I comitted myself, met the most beautiful girl in the world, got myself into deep shit, got overemotional over things and it took up alot of time. Somehow i felt that somehow i would benefit from those times, and all the little things i did somehow would u noe change something no matter what. I was looking for something that would last, and i fuckin regreted that. i wish i hadnt gotten involved in church nonsense really... somehow.. really. I could have done something even more constructive like doing what i really needed to do, to live my own fucking life instead of someone else's.
fast foward present,i think ive wasted my life. Seriously, the passion of jesus christ just doesnt say that he's in my life or around me. I dont know my god anymore really. I shoudlve stayed around school more and get myself studying.
ender:soon enough i will crack open and then the circus show will start and then the sky will tear open. Sir betrand of siccuos looks down and sleeps.
i used to think of how i could just reach out and u would be there, to help me in some wierd way.
i was so angry at you that i wanted to fucking tear the place down to show u what u did to me.
i really am going to die. It keeps raining and raining i want my fags but its so expensive. How am i going to live when its raining and i cant smoke. it keeps raining and raining like it did the day before and the day before and will rain like the day after and after.
i really need to talk to you if u said that we had a solid friendship cause i dont see any now even with god. i'm sick of talking to myself... but its better.. less noise and less messy.. im tired..
Friday, April 18, 2003 03:48 p.m.
the pages i made. souns in the head:
(originally i wrote shitloads of reviews for the cds i bought this week, but i storm cut the power and blacked out the house thus, destroyin my hard work.. FUCK!!) Envy's the footprints u left..., Love and Rocket's s/t remastered and expanded, Cap'n jazz's alphatbetology, this mortal coil's blood, poison the well's tear in red (WINNER!!), benton fall's errmmm somthing i guess, cocteau twin's topsoils and stars and envy and envy and envy and envy and envy and envy and jr ewing's ride paranoia... ROCK!!
Time after time: well i'm really tired of things now, i can say that ive gotten back to my first love.. yea horror stories. Re-read all my old edgar allan poe and ray bradbury and twilight zone. It's great really, the feeling of awe and mystery of the things around us''s back again. Now currentlt reading short stories, obscure ones from the 70's and 60's, left off on h.p. lovecraft and planning the whole chtulu series really. It rocks i feel like i'm rounding off things now before i get on with living.
lost in the woods: i'm plannin on gettin so many cds now and its really great that the wake me up shop's open! tons of great cds that i could only imagine having instead of playing the pirate if u noe what i mean heh heh.Yeah.. and i there's this new one, velocet records@ pennisular plaza level 3, it brings in polyvinyl stuff and its great. Unfortunately i kinda guess that alot of the good stuff's being snapped up really. I bought my all time fave capn jazz in its entirety there and i love it seriously. I goes to show that indie music in singapore is happening again i think.. hahah.. Keep the dream man guys.. U GUYS ROCK!!
water melacholy dogs: Well, they say that people read shitloads of horror are tryin to get off the negative stuff. I re-read the poe stuff and suddenly feel a sense of deep sadness and melacholy underneath things, the images and all. IT's alot different from when i read them when i was young really, not sayin that im damn old now lah but yea. Like in tell tale heart or the black cat or the classic keijo haino-ish the house of usher, u ask questions now like why did he to that in the first place? Why was he thinking like that? What kinda of music was playing in his head? like alex in clockwork orange, the music was clearly beethoven's symphony no.9. It's as though that these stories still havent have their soundtrack written yet and its great really, its a dream u noe for these dreamless stories to have one.
paper mache hearts: well i'll be booking in soon and its very depressing, dare i say after stopped saying things are for a long time, that things are happening to people that i seriously love. Is it me or is it just them i might ask? I guess it's a lill bit of both really.. is it negligance on my part or pure chance that things happened? It's really affectin me and it goes to show how much i really love them, esp. one really. i;m really (DARE I saY!!) confused over the outcome of things that i want to happen, well, things can change them.
ive got hurt before by circumstances smiliar and not emerged unfettered by them. Rather, i have somewhat internalised them and kept them in, i feel guilty that i have taken out alot of these feeling on the recriuts though not fully. I am afraid of myself at how violent i can be after seein myself blow up again yesterday, somehow i feel that i can be strong if i want to. needless to say, it hurts still. Sad to say its as though one has been submerged totally in the currents and only have to look foward to death really, ok there's the new deftones to look towards too.
i have always missed you all this while and i dont want things to turn bad after all ive done i guess, i am not looking for a movie perfect ending but please dont hurt me again.
"they say my love for you aint real,
but you dont know how real it feels.
But all i want to do is to spend some time with you...
so i can hold you
plans fail every day,
i want to hear u say your love wont be leaving (run, run), your eyes aint decieving (run,run)
and let me whisper in your ear
dont you worry they cant hear
But all i want to do is to spend some time with you...
so i can hold you.."
this mortal coil's you and your sister.. as sung by the donelly sisters.. teh greatest unknown ballad.. im fucked..
Sunday, April 13, 2003 09:39 p.m.
it's over... and i cant fucking believe it souns in the head:coldplay's parachutes, selected london after midnight, the cure's pornography, the get up kid's four minute mile and the smashing pumpkins' greatest hits rotten apples.
the end act 1:well, things have changed like over these few days in a bad and good way. I guess in a worst way i guess if i mentioned bad first hahah, yea. Ive dug out my smashing pumpkins and read it like a book, and ive decided that i'll never listen to my pumpkin records again, and never believe in the pumpkins again. they are dead... those guitar lines that meant the world cannot mean it again, because it just cant.. yea.. the phased out solos and the creamy licks. No matter how much it feels it just doesnt matter, its overrated.
the bend act 2:it suddenly kicjs in like a drug that sets in after years and years. Its something like having everythin u hoped for all snapped and crash boom. I feel empty, like hollow-like and all shady. If i had a decision i'd end things like that.im surprsed at myself that i thought of things like that, cause its the best way for now.All the things that brought me thru times in army were a fluke. Your god is not my god, im sorry to say that really. anyway i cant say i was really certain about things im just sayin what im feeling i guess.
the middle:i cant say that im heart broken, but... it took alot out of me... ive been robbed of my dreams and all my heart that i didnt even know it.All my fucking life.. and i really dont know where to start at all...
the end:i wish i could just really find someone to listen to me and lend me a shoulder to cry on really, cause this is something worth cry. I'm happy that things are the way they are really. If there is really one true god, i'd know him really.. i guess so.. i dont even know who's who really.. u could be the lead in felicity or the cast and crew of reality bites or the whole shit load of guys who sold themselves to the american dream with your floor stinking of don maclean records that u left playing... that's not the god i knew..
Saturday, April 5, 2003 01:24 p.m.
nil#12-the remedy is in the cure Souns in the head:Abandoned pool's humanistic (ex-eel's members uber-cool disc from '00), Placebo's sleeping with ghosts, Mogwai's Come on die young (Christmas steps is the post-rock stairway to heaven.. hands down!!!), Futher seems forever's how to start a fire and jesus and mary chain's 21 songs (man... i feel like sweet sixteen everytime i crank up fucking come on and i hate rnr.. man and head on.. and darklands was really my secondary school sunset anthem.. remastered and re-enjoyed..)
the answer is in the question: watched my first movie in dunno how long since simone last year and lotr before that. WAtched Punch drunk love and its the best movie i have ever watched in a long time. Went to cineleisure at 2 am with amy and it was great really. Adam sandler and emily watson stars in it and no it is not a comedy. Directed by The same guy who did magnolia, it retains the feel and minialist tension. And no it is not a comedy but a art film, and adam sandler is the new robin williams, turning away from the totally misunderstood comedics and using their talents for queerness for good. Oh yeah and the soundtrack rocks slide guitar and tropical swing lines too.... essential watch. Oh and watch out for the totally warm color transitions between scenes.. essential.. worth the price of the ticket alone.. i swear this is a movie u must not miss in the theatres in your life. Oh did i say it was a love story?
apology anthropology:yeah sorry about the previous entry its kinda like a boring thing to write about huh, dissatisfaction. yeah, see: idlewild's "roseability" hahah. reading back into the past and taking it apart just doesnt tell u what u dont already know, it just tells u.. the same thing i guess. Anyway it was great btw dancing to everything especially to underworld "100 days" was that the title?
write me a letter: well about the letter thingie i'm sorry if i hit any innocent by standers in the waiting.
anticipation corelation: I'm plannin oon puttin up all the winterhalter songs on mp3.com, since now that i'm able to get better sound quality by mixing 'em to md. three new ones this weekend and i'll take the last one, it's a real rocker and its really great! CAnt wait to let pple hear my song really.. come to think of it i dont know what to call it really! Anyway i'm looking for someone to normalise the levels and something coz i dont know how to? hahah.. help!!
So watch out for winterhalter songs on mp3.com i'll tell everyone yea? so u's can go listen to it and leave comments and shit..
the week after: tried applying for nus arts soci but the need sat results and i havent done it yet! yea i'll be plannin on taking it and all, form what i hear from my bunk mates i should do quite ok for it i guess. So till next year. I still want to try and stay in singapore and study really, i dont really want to give up doing music shit here, like recording my own cock songs and all..
well i had a great week somewhat, thanks amy. To the rest of the guys i couldnt meet up, we'll meet sometime. About the church guys.. i saw them the other day and i really didnt want to talk to them, but i tried yea? Yea it seemed wierd on their part that they didnt want to talk to me, so i guess the feeling's mutual, even though i tried.
Herry bazookah's back from leeds and currently suffering from resisting the urge to splurge on porn during a 2hour stopover at amsterdam. He also casually bought a ps 2 after watching the recruit. He also has lotr's TTT on his com, which i think is damn geeky... hahahah.. welcome back herry!!
well till next week i'll talk more.. in the meantime go watch punch drunk love and love it. and after it watch anger management where jack nicholson plays a shrink, essential! Still waiting for the letter and all.. and thanks amy for a somewhat over short of but great weekend...
Sunday, March 30, 2003 06:04 p.m.
nil#11-dancing with ghosts..
today im jusst in my room burning up my bed room complete with hi fi pumped up to play coheed and cambria, placebo and JAMC.... im just gonna keep dancing and dancing..
i believe that im unable to function emotionally proprely.... i cannot live life like it was and it was a few seconds ago. I cannot and do not understand how things can be so back wards..its so fucking disgusting.. i feel so leftwards.. why??
i do not understand myself today... much as i did.. really. Its like i seem to prefer to allow myself get fucking possessed by the beats the words and music in my discman/hi-fi to press out the seams in the world.. i wouldnt have to think about things as they would.. i would just be my goddamm self in my private world..
as for god i realised there are some things i cant forgive.......... i'm trying..... i love u..
Saturday, March 29, 2003 01:59 a.m.
nil#10-weeping with ghosts Souns in the head:Explosions in the sky, Idlewild's the remote part,jj72 s/t,kinski and mogwai.
WINTERHALTER SONGS ARE ALVAILABLE ON MD bedroom lo fi WINTERhALTER songs are now on md so if u want a copy..just email or something to me, will sent to you the disc on cd-r or something.. cost is just for the disc.
the dates i made:i'm giving up already haha.Yea, on what? I realised that majority of the pple around me dont know whether im'm serious or joking when im talking. basically i'm lumped together with the forever imsunderstood bunch, there's only one person i that used to be able to tell.But i guess she's kinda gave up on me too.
Sleeping with ghosts:just heard the entire new placebo album online and it rocks really, while linkin park heads can go nuts over their new album, meteora, placebo junkies can go mopy and all depeche mode style with sleeping with ghosts. I have a feeling that the ablum might be banned cause of the front cover art, which is really great. The first single from the album "the bitter end" rocks classic placebo and follows the likes of "pure morning", "taste in men","teenage angst" and all. The other standout tracks are "in need of", "plasticine" and "sleeping with ghosts". Its a brilliant album mixed and produced like a electronic mix album, at times fucking chill to the balls. i love it....
the letter-the end:no one can take the letter seriously i guess. Last night during duty, i wrote one more. After 2 weeks, she hasnt written, or maybe the letter never reached her.i've somewhat feeling strained over it. Stretched and all.
war on war on war:the war's started andit doesnt feel like 2003 does it?boom klang bam and million war spinoff's are going come out soon, movies tie in's, comics, tons of video games, writers cashin in claiming to have the most info on it and television programmes. No one's going to take it seriously now when its no different from survivor or big brother. In this postmodern context war seems alot less than it seems really. i care.. somehow i'm worried abt mel.. but then again who cares if i do.
Rambling rose:i've got that numb feeling in my chest again, maybe its because i'm listening to too much explosions in the sky, but i kinda guess it suits the moment and all. camp's ok, the recruits are fine. I just saw mel's new photo webbie thingie and its nice to see her in the new pics. Somehow its all washed in, the whites on her a too bright and the background's just too far back. Sometimes i wonder if what i see as it is, somehow i can see it the natural luminesce in her. If i were to see something really beautiful, i would just stare at it for a few seconds and then leave the place. i just abandon all the goddam senses to know what's beautiful and then be possesed by it for a few seconds, then i'll say "man".
for everyday use:i just realised that its been 2 years and i still cant forgive my church mates for things, let alone the church, or maybe god even.i just got it at mass.
i'll go off now, in the meantime i;m so happy that my ratt has given my the sound in need on me guit.. nice.. and in the meantime keep on living and never lose that feeling
Sunday, March 23, 2003 02:33 p.m.
nil#9- fur mein pain souns in the head:kinski's the air above.., Aerogramme's excellent new album sleep and release, kid 606's GREAT ps i love you and tori amos' to venus and back.
The situation: godamm tired. I'm so tired, its reall tough taking these recruits, can really as they say retch blood and other bodily fluids (non sexual of course) because of all the STUpid things they do! I can write a bloody book already man about all their clown ups! MAN!! I;m so bloody tired REALLY I GETS ME MAD!!!
Tim Sum Girl: its strange that someone out there would say something like that in my guestbook, and i thank that person for shocking the shit out of me after being in camp for the last two weeks hard and slow.Yeah, i'm really flattered by your comments and all i mean, me... Cute!!?!?!???!?! huh!??!?!/ ok i'm no braddy pitts or orlando boom, or god forbid some tay pink ah hui or lead-nan-sing.... but hey.. seriously hahahha.. for that i shall ask that u remain anonymous and keep talking to me. i really want to know ya! hahah.. ok ok.. it's the army boy thing man.. the traps are everywhere lor@@!
the letter no.9: the letter is not here. yeah... i kinda guessed that she's busy or something else, i mean.. its just something that im really lookin forward too.. i guess a letter not sent is better sometimes than being sent.. i guess so... i guess people's interests fade fast..
When will i be back: i'll be back again next week.. to get more sleep... more bathing done.. and my hands... man my skin is peeling!!tired tired..... man... Laurie anderson's coming to singapore and i really want to go coz ive been waiting a long time to listen to her but i cant stand all the cheesy 80's style producktion on her albums. I kinda guess it'll be better to listen it for real, like the way music was meant to be heard back in the 19th century... man beethoven rocks... alex slooshing symphony no.9 with his droogs till bog looks done and slaps a horrorshow smiley on his pitsa...
later on..... btw.. kid 606 rocks... hee hee.. yea man!
Monday, March 17, 2003 01:02 a.m.
nil#9-if old is the new, new what's old? souns in thy hed:thursday's full collapse(i seriously cant get enough of this instant classic.), Radiohead's kid A(this one is losing its fun really.yawn..), placebo's s/t (still shines!with youthful fervour!) and kid 606's GQ on the EQ++.
&^%#$%^3:frank sinatra's love and marriage is song that i will make my kids learn to sing. In fact i'll make my kids sing every single frank sinatra song except "my way" they're too young for that.
)))&*****:stupidest thing in the world.. generation Y... seriously businessmen can come up with a better label on consumers that are younger. Worst still life newspaper's description of gen y trends.. worst.. gen y hero is eminem..
)*$#*@)#$#@$:another stupid thing, politicians raising hitler back from the dead, which is alot worse than releasing a NIRVANA "lost" album, thereby starting a new grunge interest and a compilation album with nickelback covering come as you are and staind doing smells like teen spirit.
glitch//glictch..pop@**:sigh... i'm joking (choking) on something.. koff koff..
Tuesday, March 4, 2003 08:41 p.m.
nil#7.5-how to lose your man souns in hed:the used,autechre,amon tobim,radiohead's amnesia + bjork's vespertine.
glitch.:....
blink!BLink!:hip hoppers that wear blink blinks are nelly and the rest.
the letter part 5: Yea, i dunno but i'm really looking forward to mel's letter.It's like i'm totally waiting for some uber cool cd snatch up or something. Well i wont be able to read it i think even if it comes,coz i wont be able to collect it, man.. blue and yellow by the used is really nice man.Maybe i could bring it to camp. yeah but i kinda guess she wont have the time to write to me, because she's busy with work and she's on road trips.. hahah.. yeah its okay really if she's out with some other guy.. afterall i'm used to it..just im all bad timing.
The beautiful mess: its either this or that, im now doing something that painfully reminds me of somethings, but ihave to fucking face it.It's something that i have to really take it,if not its really going to cripple me for the rest of my life as a young guy or something.I also have to remind myself that im doing it for myself and no one else. i know that at the end of it all's going to be sounding like the mtv for the last days of april's all will break.. man.. its going to be blissful.. god help me... sigh....
where am i?:i'm now going on to another phase. Taking men and wont have much time. This is where i start using what i have learnt which means im sorry i couldnt, or rather didnt do much for you. I really wanted to?
how long?: two weeks confinement and recruits hahah.. and slightly sad that trina's leaving for Aussie already.
r u ok shaun?: im giving up already. Alittle.. hahah.. i'm sick of it.
what's done?:I made up a hip hop beat kind of songs i which i could use. Tried coming up with some songs and it sounds different. I am very tired.
things i wanted to say: somehow i really miss u so much, thank god i can use that longing to do things, like play music. I'm really missing u like a marc anthony losing his voice or a axl rose without the snarl..
some other time.
Sunday, March 2, 2003 01:53 a.m.
nil#8-will latte saves the day. Souns in the head:husker du's new day rising, Silverchair's diorama box (special edition), sunny day real estate's live, michelle branch and coheed and cambria mp3's... shit man HMV's selling it for 50 BUCKS!! is it worth it?? Let me tell you from the way they soun i really wanna buy it man!! ok ok .. relak...
razorblade fruitcake: i'm back from camp and preps for next week's intake of recruits are starting. Spent alot of time nearly sucummbing to the pressures of sticking up sexy women pics on my locker. Instead i kinda chose a stupid pic of Jane hammond's paintings.
my whole body's aching from unarmed combat training and tomorrow there's going to be another one. My groin is hurtin like mad from the splits (not that i can do one that is!!). My ankle's being giving me shitloads of problems and it's really going going gone man. Have to really see a doctor, somehow i dont think that puttin all that warm muscle rub shit is going to help much.
optimal muzak zen: Suddenly the other night i slept to Sunny day's live (WHOA RAY!! 20 bucks FOR EVERYTHING! I SPEND DUNNO HOW MUch For Just 2 Of the ALbums!! hehheh), and suddenly.. booom.. in circles just well... sounded damn good. somehow listening to jazz-a-loos just opens a lot for the (y)ears! The lyrics just cut real deep man. sunny day real estate is the greatest rock band in the world and their songs are growing so well, like wine? (cliche man..) harz..
sometime goobye:well.. it's time to go again. Last night went out with kel, abraham, terrance, kel and amy to look for trina's b-dae present. i kinda like helped choose the thingie tt was meant for her, and i realised how much my taste hasnt change, in fact it has expanded in some ways. the strange bit was that i wasnt overly blind boy confident about it, it's just that.. that's it.. something she'd like to wear.. coz i would too? ok to far out.
in the meantime, silverchair's without you still rings in my ears like the sound of the waves at the esplanade mixed with little cocktails of nicotine stained couples and resident resilent monks. harz.. man.. i'm scared..
Wednesday, February 26, 2003 08:02 p.m.
nil#6 flower of woman Sounz in the head:Sonic youth's bad moon rising, Husker du's zen arcade, nada surf's proximity effect, ornette coleman and the used...
what's going on?: shaun is going to have to book into camp soon. he's thinkin of dropping by border's to pick up Husker Du's new day rising after been blown away by the energy that bob mould had in this incarnation with gary hart. Totally different from Sugar. Shaun also may be picking up Patti smith's horses and Autechre's tri repeatae or maybe the used. He's pretty tired really.
what did he do today: Well, shaun managed to complete writing the letter meant for mel. It's quite thick the paper amounted to quite a thick piece! He's feeling pretty good cept that he kept having more things to add to the letter, a good deal of which was pretty nonsense. Well oh well. I'm afriad that shaun may be getting wild with his ideas but ill hold him down dont worry. Afterall he went for mass and saw gerraldine, his "feminine ideal" for the moment, and you know how things like that last.
What's on tomorrow?: Tomorrow shaun's going to move into the infamous haunted level which is in the block opposite. He's not scared, in fact the sadisitc guy's goin to bring over clive barker to read in the bunk! oh man!! Basically it's the same old song and dance and dance he will man... he's really excited about things now i guess. Feeling alot better coz he's learnt something new today at church.. and it matters alot what he learnt, and it's not about gerraldine. God bless all of you kay?
REcommended: high dosages of vitamin C, ankle guards, jackson browne, magnum pi, ezlink cards and NAFA china students.. or yeah.. talk about vagina monologues and Rob schenider's The hot chick.. hmmm.. just a thought.. I LOv3 U H3rry!!
Sunday, February 23, 2003 08:48 p.m.
nil#7-hipployta head pop!: u could ask if it's a closer or an opener certainly. it's as though u've masked everything so well that u can never find youself again. damn.. if only i'd tied a string to it darling. It could've saved me and you.. i'm being alill optimistic on my part sorry.
the woman enter the room talking about yesterday's episode of a new american sitcom. oh yeah it won a golden globe! that's what the newsies say!
fizzzzz: Let's not jump at passing conclusions like a ship wrecked sailor looking for any boat to get on home. Sometimes u hafta to be choosy, may seem phony, but it the right thing. you could've held her hand for real but u just knew it wasnt from what u feel. Does it really matter now that u've lost a sister? Not only to yourself to be really left on some shelf, only to be picked up dusted off and mutilated once again. It's like a sunday afternoon that ends immediately after u eat your lunch, next think you know it there, the moon's eaten the sun.
the situation: moving to a haunted block occupied by dead recruits. I'm not scared really, it's just going to be another clive barker novel i guess. Bmt prep is on, i have no time to settle my own problems.
the movement: Found my niche in jazz.. listening to seow lang free improv shit, i hear the drones( Neu!), i hear the madness in squeals!(melt banana, merzbow) and i hear the spasmatic drums (The boredoms). I love it. the residents are the greatest band in the world so much they suck. i feel like giving up guitar really, the range of tones and timbre the alto sax can conjure is heavenly, all this without stupid pedals or racks. man.. see: john coltrane's lush life
Recommended!: movie u must watch... hellsing well written anime about vampires and chips and shits. Will scare u, esp. a guy called the angel of death who uses fishing strings to cut pple up dressed like a butler. Yes u have to watch to believe.
Banana Yoshimoto's lizard is a beautiful book. I'm serious. If you have the time to start reading something to help u with your problems, this book reminds u of a greater being to help you. With 6 short stories about men and women with quite crazy dispositions (eg. girl who lived in a religious sect till 12 moving to city; man who saw his mom raped by her uncle infront of dad.), banana weaves little stories about beauty, everywhere in the city. Essential read further more its so deceptively simple you'd read it to your kids.
Farewell and goodnight( the book in song): well its strange that somehow im postponing mel's letter, i guess she's busy too. I'll do it during duty tomolo that's the best time. Ive learnt so much about things but the scariest one is that i might be obsessing.
there are just somethings i want to tell her since she's not in singapore, whatever difference that made though. The ways that ive been unconciously doing so are making things somewhat better coz i noe for sure what i want now.. sigh.. its just a damn letter away but it feels like recording a triple disc zappaesque symphonic piece for guitars in D flat... plus remixes from photek and faultline... man.. oh man.. wait.. didnt that sound great!
Tuesday, February 18, 2003 08:44 p.m.
nil#4: I am a compulsive voyuer. souns in the head: john coltrane's lush life, Braid's lucky to be alive, The residents (!! ROCK!!), christpher fennesz's endless summer and thruston moore's psychic hearts.
i will not cut up my entry today too much
Valentine's day '03 aka Battle royale le romantique: I'm now reading Banana yoshimoto's Lizard. basically, i saw two couples fightin really bad. One, was at border's near the entrance and the other opposite kk hospital at a bus-stop. both incidents had a very mok mok (wooden) or super insentitez guy playing the invulnerable boyfriend while the girlfriend does a fragile emotional type of thang, seriously.. i think that's the way it really is.
i went to this rooftop concerto at ymca, its this place called Blue moo, a christian joint. they had this bunch of guys doing brilliantly arranged accapella pieces. What songs they sang? Well, the usual mish mash of everly brothers; sukiyaki, chage and aska, david tao and disneyesque fanfare that made me feel like i was listenin to the radio back when i was in primary school or something. sigh it was nice, against the back drop of the cbd with the wind and the moon esp while they were singing the moon is represent my heart. Lots of couples, single girls, guys, model like girl groups and buffed guys. It didnt well turn out into a homoerotic 80's john hughes comedy with the guys, i booked in.
POst valentine's day that's yesterday: Swinging lights that come from lit fag heads. I realised something last night about i find it so difficult to write that letter to mel. I figured it out really. Its nice to noe that but painful to always find reasons not to. I believe im more or less past that stage where im in love with the idea of love but in love. Strangely, i find it hard to tell mel although i noe that i've got nothing to lose really.
STreetwalking: I also figured out why many pple like to just take a walk around town looking at couples on v-day, with headphonic stereo muzak. It's a form of voyuerism, where u put yourself in the couples place for a few perfect moments without having to do anything out of the ordinary... or did i forget, to the perfect soundtrack that u chose. Its alot safer than actually bringing one girl out for the night when u can have hundred's of dates, somehow just looking just does it. Is it true?
The letter (part dua): Well, i have to write the letter but ive been caught up eith certain things, lots of probs within the guys tt i so really want to help. Army to fight too. I just wish it couldve been simpler. Somehow, i always am afraid about saying things to her with heart coz of xmas '01 (see archive back issues if u damn bo-liao.) Too much gamble, i really care too much to want to hurt the friendship we have, it's the most precious yet fragile thing in the world and i want it too last forever so much that even bringing the pumpkins back would not help.
lasting words: Sigh, ghosts, bloodplay and sadistic back suspension in paganistic rituals. Male and female genital piercings that are really, out here than down here. I really feel so much that i cant even want to try for what i want. i kinda feel sad that someone led me on that she wld go out with me on v-day, but really didnt matter, i very very used to the hot/cold treatment that the people i tried so hard to be friends with give me. Sometimes i really get tired and give up, is this all i'm getting? i dont mean to be greedy or a busturd, but... i;m human.
Sunday, February 16, 2003 12:51 a.m.
nil#3 souns in the hed: MAtes of state's our constant concern, The gloria record's start here, tim buckley's greetings from LA, Ryan Adams' Gold and pavement's brighten around the corners.
Problems: I wrote like 3 drafts to reply her letter, but it seems i can be satisfisfied with it. I want to tell her things yea, but should i? I really think that if i do its quite stupid, and naive. I kinda went all mad from desperation, to get the letter done. Ill try again.
somehow, im just going nuts over things i shouldnt coz i know its well way out of my hands. sigh.. im really feeling the cracks around my heart these days, haha not so chialat lah.i really want to do things u noe but cant lah.
Dre@ms: had a really wierd dream of one of my ex girlfriends whom i havent seen in real long time. She was this wierd vampy goth chick who wanted to seduce me in the dream. it was funny coz the whole dream was later on about me walking and talking to her on the phone. It was nice really.. i really miss that her really.. but she's in some other part of USA i guess. why should i, because she's nice.
Partin words: Hafta book in soon, and i havent finsihed the letter, im left with a drafts and all. Im kinda not keen on taking things like that coz i dunt want to be seen as a senseless romantic anymore to her. I've got my reasons. I've been reading and reading "love song of richard prufrock" by t s eliot and it makes me think of NYC. I think its too late somehow.. sigh.. i really wish that i had the strength to do it.. i guess after a goodnite's rest. i guess i have to be myself and not compromise in the letter.. just let it go, but it'll seem pretty out of point right? i guess if i do it'll be alot easier to talk ta her and all? man... i just keep thinkin of how beautiful she'd be on valentine's day.. Who HOR?? DUNNO RITE!! eat shit lah..
Wednesday, February 12, 2003 07:55 p.m.
nil#2 souns in the head: jon bon coltrane, love and rockets and get up kids..
fast break
jassanova is good
i am mad mad mad..
the song for the weekend was Thrusday's Jet black new year
courtney love naked pics in Q mag was mad
i am quite thinking..
hee hee..
Monday, February 10, 2003 01:00 a.m.
nil sounz in the head: last days of april's ascend to the stars, Love and rockets' express, Gene's olympian (both classic discs.. sigh..), The liars' they threw us.. , Bedhead's what fun it was and thruston moore's psychic hearts.. sweet sweet.. sigh listening now to art of fighting the most misleading band name.. hehehe
since i know that no one reads my entries properly i will cut it up into small pieces.
last night: At zouk, DJ Hannah or something, house stuff, too mono for my three minute rock attention defiecient. Jazznova, the most beautiful beats in the whole world. I love what they call NuJazz.. hahah.. man. it just acid jazz or something with nice beats..
this morning:@ chen's place. talked chilled out, too much orange juice and a tuna puff from coffee bean. Talking about and seeing girls that we like. hee hee. Got a lill emotional for awhile when i let him see some website, its funny how other people can see things u dont. After that i got too tired to be emotional. hah.
Today: Will go to yaohan. (art of figthing's really nice, but dunt want to trouble mel lah. sigh..) eat lunch, clean up pinky's shite. Im all alone @ home, mom and sis' gone back to brisbane, dad's gone to kl. This sucks. it just makes this feeling alone thing amplified thru some marshall stack or something, but dont worry i can live on. hah.
Later on there's a bbq at chen's place, gonna try and chen with this really nice girl at that: ). I realise how ive totally lost the plot u noe. Im feeling sad that i have, especially when i meet new people of the opp. sex. ill just lie on my bed curl inwards, on my Lights and the spinning horses on the lamps in my room... put on something soothing... like maybe art of fighting now or mono or GSYBE or something..
Saturday, February 8, 2003 03:16 p.m.
CORRECTION! frm prev. entry Sounz in the FUCKING HEAD: YEa HYEAHYEAHEYAYAEYAAE's S/t, THe DIRTBOMBS, THE DAMNED!
this i s a correction.. sorry for the mistakes on my part... BUT I AM DAMN FUCKING JEALOUS@@!!! im not simple pussy shit heart broken.. ok so it led to this super jealousy... YEah.. hahhaha.. I AM DAMN FUCKING JEALOUS SHIT!! THIS IS THE MOST JEALOUS IVE EVER BEen IN MY LIFE!!!!! MAN!!!! its making me blast yeah yeah yeahs at really loud and iT SOUNS GREAT!! gggggggggrrrr.rr.....r.r..r.r.r. ive really never been so goddamm SHit JEALOUS!! my lips Bleed jealous..... Oh yeah forget all those weepy shit songs about jealousy.. like lennon's one or the petshopboys that all u muzak kids are used to.. or maybe some SHIT Teenybooby TRL one would noe.. COZ! THIS IS JEALOUSY!! PURE BOLLYWOOD HARDCORE scream SCREAM SCREAM I SCREAM!
Tuesday, February 4, 2003 02:32 p.m.
green Souns for the heartbroken: the soundtrack of our lives' behind the music, bedhead's what fun it was, the pernice brother's world wont end and pavement's slanted and echanted luxe and re-duxe edition.
i also dunno why i want to write an entry. he heh.. yeah..
oh yea... here's a story about pavement.. there was once i was making out with this girl and we had music on. The verve's first ep was on and it felt really good loving and all to "superstar" and feel and it hit their respective climaxes which.. rock.. so it got kinda tiresome after a while.. and the girl i was with kinda wanted a change in "pace" so i had pavement's brighten around the corners with me. I put it on and we continued.. and to our surprised we starting laughin now and then coz of SM's stupid lyrics and all... esp the ".. voice of geddy lee.. how did it get so high.." part.. cracks me up till today. man.. note of advice.. it is a REALLY good make out album.. not too whiny.. infact richard ashcroft souns like a man..
i first heard pavement way back when i bought the no alternative cassette from chua joo huat a long time ago. it bought it for smashing pumpkin's glynis and nirvana's verse chorus verse (the latter being a hidden track on the album). well, it was funny really.. SO i actually never got myself deeply into pavement coz i was afraid that i wld go mad or something, i always tot of them as beastie boys with more guitars... oh yeah.. i used to have a cassette copy of paul's boutique.
Ive always wondered how Malkmus' lyrics and sound so stupid and yet so deep at the same time. I wanted to write lyrics like him for a time after listening to the power of the picket fence. Somehow amongst all that barrage of nonsense he says something like "im too sad to love you" and booom. It hits you like this guy really understands me! haha and u forget all the nonsense he's been talking about. the truth is that its an application of the economy of context... get it? whole lot of nonsense to make u laff about renecks and drunk paperboys and their sweaty relationships with older men..makes u laff and less self concious and then boom.. He sound's like burt bacharach with cocktail.. or rather
(hey kel!) frank sinatra in strangers in the night...
FAst foward after countless times and flirtations with pavement.. i bought slanted and enchanted expanded and remastered and even though ive heard this album times before.. it kinda makes u long for the innocence of the 90's well.. i missed some of it i admit. Just listen to the opening guitar lines to texas never whispers from e well loved watery domestic ep. It rips u apart like a river and malkmus' guitar lines up infront of you later , calms u down, afterwhich proceeds to tear up the sanctuary u tot u found. The opening riff was used as sample in Placebo's "slave to the wage", now that ive heard the song from which it came from. ITs sudddenly come clearer now u know. The whole idea of music.. its no more about chords or smart zoot suits or the smoke from cigars blah blah blah.... man.. fuck everything..
u must be asking why the fuck im doing a quasi music review here.. well to put all so gently. Im heartbroken haha.. dotn worry its the type u just prop your elbows on the table and rest your chin on your hands. U start looking at the wall in front of you. u dont cry at all.
"everything just feels like rain.... its left to dreams" from zwan's marystarof the sea title cut, u dont see it now, u have got to see it in context. when u do u'll noe what im feeling i guess. man.. i shld shut up.. im just heartbroken and wont tell why.
