Stuff

So, nothing much has been going on and when I say that nothing is really going on. I applied at Target this morning, but I doubt I'll get a job there. It seems like that will take quite a feat to get there to begin with. But, I need the cash. Seriously. And when I wanted to go to the mall today, I waited till three, and when dad said he got called for overtime, I took a nap. I wasn't feeling well anyway. Maybe I'll try to get to the mall tomarrow.

I've been downloading music like mad from the SLSK JMR. Got the Casshern Official album and let me say, besides the fact that Mondo Grosso always rocks my socks, The Black Horn, seriously rocked. I also got the new and already oop (sucks for me because I definately wanted to buy it) Live Album Live on the Next Wave 2, Bonnie Pink Even So and a smattering of singles. I definately want to buy this music. But with the long backlist and getting longer, I wonder how much of it I will actually get to buy.

I need to cut my nails.

Lola is as cute as usual.

So, one of my friends finds me abrasive and tactless. I wonder, is this true or is he overtly sensitive? This same friend, also decides that we are fighting and tries to turn it into a fight. I keep telling him that Im not fighting and he insists that he is. Trust me, if you were in a fight with me; which is difficult given my 50% personality, you would hear screaming and shouting and Voice-Killing Screaming.

I will admit though, that I am pessimistic in my view at times. My quadruple Sagitarrius does not do much to make me more optimistic. Only sometimes. And I've been pessimistic more times in my life than I care to admit. I don't sugar coat anything. I say whats on my mind and really that's the bottom line. I don't feel the need to say something that will make someone feel better in the short term for it only for it to turn out much worse than anticipated.

Sure we get into disagreements on things. But he seems to take it as if we are "ganging up" on him. And he wonders why we fight? I as I've said don't fight. The last time I fought was *thinks* way back Sophmore year in High-School. And we fought over the phone, and I screamed, almost lost my voice and I think I fell into that crying that turns to hicups and the like. That was the last time I fought. I only discuss. And it fustrates me he doesn't see the logical point of view.

And so this leads me back to quite probably my own deficentcies. He doesn't think I care about things. I do try to think I do. I mean I don't care, see it in my place, or it's not my buisness to inquire about things. They simply aren't my buisness to know who or what he talked to someone on the phone about. He was on the phone, that would explain why he was gone for those few minutes, it's explained, move on. I don't think that means I don't care. Does it?

My most major deficentcy is that I never say I am wrong. This goes way back to baby hood. Mom knows this and you can't change that about me.

I've done a lot of things in my life. So, I do have a lot of life experiences. And a lot of things that I have done. I've met a lot of people. But, I've never decided to sit down and really let very many people in. I let friendships fall by the wayside. I think of the circle of friends from highschool I did have I only really talk to one person. I really don't let many in. Its the Rat nature again. Rats tend to not make lasting relationships and when they do, it's with a very select group of people.

But does this serve to explain anything at all? I've never had anyone but this one person call me tactless or even abrasive before. Am I seriously this cold person? I will admit that I am cold. But, I do think I have a good reason. I mean, *laughs* I did let my guard down this semester, somewhat like the Cicadas down south, and Crystal did notice the difference. And I mean complete difference tonal in my voice and everything...

In short, I do not understand why this friend of mine views me in such an unflattering light. I really can't wrap my head around it. Could it be that logic really can be like being hit with a two by four?

I suppose I have a fear of intimacy, and it takes a special sort of person to really pierce the veil. I think I may be pushing this friend away. I don't even know why or how but I may infact be. I wonder...

And now we let go

So, I got back my grades from the previous semester and now there is nothing holding me to the school, for the moment. I now have nothing to be held over the semester and it's deader than a door nail. It's time that I begin to let go of this semester.

Its odd, it's been so easy to let go of semesters before. But this one, has, is hard to let go. I guess, it's because of all the emotional crap that went on this semester. All the meloncholy that went on this semester. All the emotion, and fustration, joy, anger, mirth, and everything else that I felt this semester. I did well, got all As for the first time ever, I got a 3.9 for the entire semester.

With everything that I did from work, to LARPing, to RPGing, to GLS, and Dems, and Guild crap, and the drives with AuntieMaim/Greg, to the relationship-that-never-was. I guess it's time to let go. The grades coming in today signify it. I can let go of everything, but because I still feel this deeply for a relationship-that-never was, is... I don't know. heh.

Kikoeru, amegafurteimasu yo...

Exploration and Ruminations

So, what am I doing writting this entry today. Being home has gotten my thoughts going, and really, it hasn't been much of any good sleep as of late. Yes that makes no gramatical sense but really I don't care.

It's part of the "nothing to do blues" there's nothing to do but do the stuff you do at home. Which is to say nothing really much to do...

I feel somewhat angsty. And no one really understands why. I bearly understand it myself. I think about school, about all the things that I have seen and felt and experienced this year. This year, has been a big one for me. I finally have truely left high school, and all of it's trappings.

I finally, really fell in love. And consequencely had my heart broken, not because he didn't feel the same way, but because he was a coward. Whats weird is that I haven't cried about it, but once and only when I got back here. I think not crying because frankly I've forgotten to. has elongated what I feel about the whole thing. And I feel like total crap about it. Im hurt more than many other's ever thought of. And frankly, Im not sure if they even wanted to deal with it, anyway.

I've taken more of a take charge me in college this year. Maybe.

There are many emotions that run through me right now. And I don't know what to do about it. Lonliness is number one. Being alone in an empty room. That is exsactly how I feel in a room full of friends. And I wonder sometimes. Lonliness is when you feel no one understands you at all. This is what being alone is. Im in a precarious position...

It was a happy semester, and for the most part I know why. For sometime, I was the happiest I've ever been. And I think I want that feeling back.

Broken thoughts

So the fact that Im writting this late at night is something else. Im sitting here walloing in my own sleep deprevationess. But there are things that I want to explore before moving on to the bed, that is surely waiting for me somewhere over the rainbow.

The fact that some people seem to think that they could belittle me sometimes is not fun. Especially around people I know but am not close to whatsoever. Now this will lead to some sort of drama but really I don't care. We were never that close, and really do I call that other person any names whatseoever? I don't think so. Even if he's jesting... I don't like it in the middle of the commons where other people could hear it. It just irritates me. Next, I was thinking that being friends with this person is turning more and more into becoming more of a chore than anything else. I don't think we have much in common. He really doesn't like my own ideas or I get that vibe comming off of him. And I guess Im there for his own amusement. And something really should be changing very soon. I just don't feel like a really jovial mood to shrug off stuff that he says to me. I don't think he knows how hurtful he is, sometimes. And because no one else is there, Im the only one left so he is going to hang with me. Because no one else is going to be here. Sure, Im a rat and rats don't keep friends very long.

But, I think that is because of the Rat nature. We rarely if ever show who we are to people. We are afraid to let our gaurd down and show someone anything. We're rarely understood correctly. There are many things that I keep hidden from everyone around me. I am a very pensive person. Like today, the same person asked me why I was being somewhat anti-social. I happen to like silence, I like sitting with people I knew and just knew what we were thinking about. That's something I sort of miss with Elliot. There was no pretension to keep conversation going. I could stare out of a window, or read my papers for proofing and there would be no wanting to keep the conversation going. Heh...

Also, if I have nothing to say, I won't say anything I won't. I don't have grandparents 3/4 are dead and one is trying to buy his way into heaven and I don't see him much but twice a year. And thats enough for me. Mom and I are good now, we were never this good till now. Thats where I am going to leave it. What was I supposed to do, make something up? Im not that creative.

People just don't understand me sometimes, they sometimes understand what I want them to understand. That's my fault. Thats another one of my deficiantcies, man I must be full of them.

There was something else that I wanted to say. Something else that I wanted to explore. Im happy this year is done, I finished the last take home exam today and the only other thing is my AUCA exam. But that isn't something I wanted to explore.

I guess I wanted to talk about my letting people in issue. I can't do it. I tried with someone and I was only hurt by it. I don't let people in, I only have very few close friends, and those who think they know me I know they really don't. Even though they swear up and down that they do. Seriously, I know myself, they don't, and I didn't like it when people think they know who I am. I bearly know, and Im not insulting your intelligence, I know what I let you see. you don't know the half of me.

I am a pretty boring person, yes, but there are lots of things for me that I really don't even want myself seeing sometimes. I was bothered what my friend has been saying as of late. I am not some punching bag for you to use your new insults on me. This isn't the playground and you aren't the friend-bully.

I don't let people in. I don't want to feel sometimes. I don't think I remember what "fun" is. I think that's why I love roller costers so much. The only time I feel free, the only time when I feel fun. Or let myself anyway.

I guess these broken thoughts are part of you now too.

Rem! I will miss you! Don't be a stranger you hear! IM/Email me. No excuses.

Ruminations

It's so funny how life hands you choices, sometimes. I think I remember saying this in a text message to Crystal some two and a half months ago. I guess I will amend this statement. It's also funny how such choices teaches you things and how sometimes they end up being quite possibly one of the biggest mistakes of one's life.

But, I don't regret such choices. I got to feel again. It only really happens once in a great while, but I was happy in this feeling that I had. Choice, is the problem. Choice, isn't the problem. Whatever it is, life does lead us to some greater understanding of oneself.

I still hurt, but I'm comming to an understanding with myself. I'm learning to live with this knowlege. I will keep it safe inside. I'm alive, I am alive. And that's all that matters to me right now. I just wish that he also realized it.

I've done what I've always done when things like this happen to me, I throw myself into my work here at school. I had my Japanese Final yesturday and that went alright, we will see. I don't have an Inquiry final, and the only other finals are my AUCA final and the two take homes. One of which I am trying to wrap up today, since it is due tomarrow. Seems to be comming along and I know what I want to write, so guess where I am right now. Yup, the library.

I'm working on my Unites States and Chinese Relations final right now. *sigh*...

How do we get out of this mess we're in? How did we even get into it in the first place? I need to go home. Home...

Im not in love its just a silly phase Im going through

I don't know what to say. Today just went from "meh" to crap in a few hours. I mean I don't know where to even start. Well, the day for me began at around noon. Regents Park sucks to have a shower in at noon, since all the hot water is gone ...one.

It's Spring Fling here at the University of Hartford, meaning that all those who are tired of this year can blow off steam before their exams. Also, meaning the University becomes one drunk mess writhing around in their own stupor. The Black Eyed Peas were here to preform yesturday (realizing how late it really is), and they actually got the crowd moving, they seemed to enjoy the BEP, so I guess they did well in actually giving a good show.

But, this isn't the reason why I am writting this blog entry. So, Elliot calls me, and I decide I would go over and just hang out for a bit and say hi. Maybe we could have done something else. We were still kind of together, sort of. Greg likes to say "common wealth"

Just about as I was going to leave, I ask him if there is anything on his mind, he tries to change the direction, but I ask to give me his. And he sas that he really can't be in a relationship right now, that he doesn't have the time, that.... heh, he would probably want to find his wife in Law School. First of all, how can you schedual something like that. How? I mean, doesn't shouldn't it happen when you least expect it? You can't plan for it to happen, it just does, doesn't it?

I was "fine" leaving his place, mind you I left pretty quickly right afterword, though I kind of felt... numb. That numb feeling I sometimes feel when something I wanted, I just find out I can't have. I was numb, I didn't feel and all the debachery and all the loud music fell into the background. I didn't hear it, I couldn't hear it, and I did not want to hear it. I went home. I played ICO, I txt'd Crystal to tell her what had happened.

When I got here, I could feel myself breaking, and while I haven't cried in years, and really I don't think I really could anymore, I really felt like I could have. I was so causious with this one, I really didn't think I could be ... I don't know. I knew it wasnt't me, I knew it couldn't be me. For once I thought I could be loved as much as I .... thought I may have... for him. I was causious, I didn't want to do anything about it, I didn't want to say anything about it. I thought, that if I didn't say anything I could stay in blissful ignorance of what he thought.

He never said, he didn't like me. Oh, I think he does, but for somereason, I'm not the one for him. And it hurts, and it really hurts... and even if I was careful with my feelings with this one (maybe I knew I was going to be hurt in the end as I think I am somewhat cursed to be this way forever- or so it feels like), I did fall and sitting here for the rest of the night, going back to my friends apartment in the Quad2 I slowly came to realize, that maybe I did. And it hurts that we can't share it. And I hurt.

Ruminations

Music: Maaya Sakamoto- Kingfisher Girl(acoustic)

So, a lot has happened. Things have been worked out. Everything seems to have worked out. About him, well... it's the same as usual. Which isn't much. There is so much there...

Next weekend is Spring Fling, and really you should be there to really understand. I wonder if anything will happen then, like I hope them to.

I have lots of work to do... to get there. In all manners of work. I'm a wreck of emotion and fustration. I don't know what's going on and it's making me angry. But, I feel good about where it is. He knows, it really is up to him, but I would like it to be accelerated you know...

Mmmmm...other than that there really isn't anything on my mind, and it was a pretty boring weekend... mm

Nervous as Hades

Music:Utada Hikaru Dareka ano Negai ga Kanau Koro (when a longed for wish comes true)

So, I'm not sure what I want to write about. The picture I worked on for GLS was, and wasn't what people were looking for... but it still frightningly rocked.

Whatever happens, I really have no regrets. It's such a rollercoster ride to have this feeling. I've felt it before but nothing... ever has come to as much frutation. But, this... is somehow different. I am sick of waiting... I am somewhat traditionalist in the "I want the sweeping off the feet" For some reason, I don't think that will happen at all, whatsoever.

A friend of mine really likes a person I did like, when I was a freshman (read: young and stupid). She makes a really great match for him, and it means I get to tease them both. *smirk* I'm supriisingly, happy for the two of them. It doesn't bother me at all.

But for me, it feels like walking on egg shells. Finally, I sent him an email. He's made himself unbareably scarce over the past bunch of days, and so I guess that's the only way I could get to him. mayhaps he'll respond. And perhaps he will say something I will not like. But, at least I will know. For this I'm glad and makes me nurvous but... it out ways the bad. Because too many times, I've felt that and I can't let this go, for some reason at all.

We will see. It's been a strange trip. It really has. Exciting and fustrating at the same time. I'm sure my friends or the "spectators" as they call themselves, are sick to death of it. I'm sick of it, myself.

In other news, my lj is now green. My Winamp (I use WA5) is also color scheme: Bullfrog. I like transparent winamp. Hence haven't used my skins at all. Right...

I'm really nervous right now.

Words like Violence

let's see how long this entry is going to be. Consider, if you will, this may in fact be a long entry. mmm I wonder, Im gonna change Winamp playlists....

...

There, all changed. Current music; Rie Fu decay.

There are a few things that I would like to talk about, and there have been entries in my head that I would have liked to have talked about... but, in the end I really haven't. Life for me has been good. But, there are forces at work that more or less try to bring me down, and weither my exterior comes off as compassionless, it really is I think, for the best. More on this in a bit.

Wow, are emotions hard to deal with. I mean and people around here know the situation... it sort of is a tight rope. And like Greg says, it is infact give and take though, do either of us know when to give and when to take, I think we are learning that now. It is difficult though. I'm always looking for the right time, and sometimes letting that fall through my fingers. But, I don't realize how great that time was, until Im sitting here again.

Which brings me to my next point. Friends, especially impatiant, ADD, mermaid hair beings... whom I've never actually talked to about it and only saw us twice, goes to kick start things. Time though, will as always tell, of course. You know... there are only three weeks of school left. We can't wait too long, I think. Though, at this point we should just assume it and move to the next stage.

*sigh* You know about Crystal everybody? *peanut gallery nods* Last night, out of fairness we had to suspend her and one other from the Guild meetings. While we really did not want to suspend her, it would have set a bad president for the rest of the club and would have set favoritism which is something that we couldn't do. Being on an eboard does not gain you any friends. Though people who you have to lead can't differentiate between your serious leader nonpartial side, and the friend you know.

Needless to say, she does not see that this was something that needed doing. Not only did it happen during a Guild meeting (which I consider as long as we are in the University Commons). But, it happened at around 2.30 am. I wasn't there to witness it obviously, but we (the eboard) would have been majorly screwed. And quite possibly kicked off campus, as the last reason they would need to kick us out.

So she writes twice so far on the subject...both of which infuriate me. I'll give you one guess as it's thinly vailed which is about me. (AB) The first really because she took it and blew it far out of proportion. She made it so you couldn't comment on it at all, and did NOT talk to me. I walked in the room and what was she doing... playing Farking DOOM. She didn't talk to me first and put it on a public forum. (I suppose thats why Im putting this here)

Next one. Offended me because she couldn't talk to me AGAIN. She put it on a public forum and made me look like the fucking bad guy. Does she really want me as someone who would not talk to her for upwards of a year? After everything I have done for her... EVERYTHING that I let her have, Im the one who gets shat on?

Remember when I talked about Jess? Maybe all my compassion went out the window when she died to all of us. She never got better, and Pat and I still think we failed her. I will not deal with this at all. Depressed people yea, they may feel alone... but that isn't all they do. They are self-destructive creatures bent on destruction on not only themselves but everyone around them. They are, in my opinion the MOST selfish of selfish creatures that can walk God's Green Earth.

Which leads to this in particular, "Like this one person told me that I was the only who could help myself and if I kept it up I was just going to destroy myself. And that bothers me because that's not the answer you give a person esspecially if depression is just starting." You know this Is the answer you give. Depressed people, Im sorry to say are attention whores. Take Jess for example, she did a lot of what she did for the attention, for the "ooos and ahhs" it would give. Did it ever help her. No, it did not. The attention she would seek wasn't what she wanted... she eventually wanted people in her situation. She, forgets I went through this before it seems like. We can only show you the light... you have to step through. We can't lead you hand in hand. Because in the end, you'll push that away too. It happened to Jess, who says it can't happen with Crystal too. "They don't believe in depression" This is another part where she is utterly wrong. I saw the depths of hell not only with Jess, but with myself in middle school. Do you understand that it was indeed THAT bad, if I will never, ever talk about it unless it was in passing. Just writting this down, brings tears to my eyes. They sting. You could NEVER understand that hatred directed at people, and directed at yourself at the same time. Never. I will Never be that insulted again.

"So I admit my life is being destroyed" her life is only being destroyed because she lets it. She has to fight it. I still fight it everyonce and a while. It's called a "personal demon" for a reason. Understand, where the "facade" comes from before attacking it in a "depressed rage"... because I will not stand for it. I will never be that insulted again. Greg calls me severe and this severe from everything I have seen and felt. He is right. I've seen this more than I can count.

The depressed always, and I mean always, push away the closest the love first. I just don't think after Jess, I have the strength to fight it for you and loose again. Therefore, I won't try until you decide for yourself, you need help. I can't, and I won't... I will not go through this again. Ever.

and it still hurts, when I think of Jess... that one day, at the height of her Prozac taking... walking around the corner, from Pats house... when she confided in me... a summer day and the sun was shining in full force, and she stops and says, "I can't cry anymore... even if I wanted to... the Prozac has taken that... my emotion away."

Ahhh Toshikan wa

So here I am in the library again I did some homework and picked up some call numbers for books I'll probably poke monday night and the like. They seem like they are indeed what Im looking for. Though, this term paper seems like the one that everyone is working on really slowly. Im not entirely worried about it. Its only 10 pages or so. That really shouldn't be nothing for me anymore. I just need to whip up an outline. Otherwise, I won't know where to expand (i.e bs) to make things longer.

Emailed some aticles, Ill probably have to sift through those later when I get home and have some black ink to kill. I don't carry my own money around the campus, and usually forget about it till I need to buy something... like a copy. Oh well.

*sigh* what to do. About you.

I want to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind definately. I definately want to see it with someone.

Wow, did that seem ambiguous. So, the fiesty-ness has been spreading across the campus. It was hitting the mail room worse than usual yesturday, with some hilarious results.

What else... besides the fact that I need to find Forrest to work on DUH's budget, I've really got nothing but random rambling to talk about. I guess Ill go home. (Man I hate the library)

The Floods Gods April Fools Joke

So, it's been raining for the past two days here, pretty hard. I... don't have an umbrella. So,I walk around looking like I'm blissfully unaware of the rain pelting me every nanosecond, for me just being outside.

Needless to say, Im soked and am sitting here drying my legs.

Some awesome things have happened today. It makes me proud that my work can be honored in such a way. I was inducted into Pi Sigma Alpha today. It is the Politics and Government National Honor Society. It makes me realize how lucky I am to not be amongst the steriotypical pretentious, stick up the arse, college professors. With mine, they teach, make themselves open for questions or one and one time. Also, it feels like I can talk to them one and one whenever I want. I love the department Im in, and Im lucky to be there.

Then I ran to the Government and Law society's Dounut Sale. We were doing pretty abysmally, until Drs. Anderson and Alliota came and rescued the sale by buying three boxes total. Yay. Plus, Elliot, Nick and Ang were there helping out. That was nice.... what was that flower you were making for, Mmm?

So back to me in my room... that was the good. Now it is time for something that is bothering me for many reasons. One of my closest friends is falling down the 'downward spiral' to depression. She no longer is the cheerful person she once was. I truly fear for her. And its hard for me. I just don't feel like I can help her in any way what so ever. I had a friend in high school who was for the most part manic depressive. Her perscriptions made it worse. She destroyed her life, almost committed suicide, pushed us all away, including her boyfriend- who happens to be my bestfriend.

He and I were the only ones at the end who tried to help her out of it. To give a shoulder to cry on. To be compassionate. We were the only ones left. Not even her mom and step-dad, would have any more of it. We failed her, and she left school... she bounced around boarding houses, and from the last I've heard, she's in Massachusetts somewhere.

I can't deal with that anymore. I don't want to fail anyone else. But, there is no energy, no patience for it anymore. I gave it all to the other one, there is nothing left. I don't think I can help her, but I desperatly want to. But where do I begin, where can I get that compassion I had again? Can...do I have what it takes to help shoulder her burden? Will she let me?

The Library Part 2

So, Im here, in the library, researching APEC. Eh... its a living. I hate the library with a passion and hate the ends of semesters when Im stuck here for 10 more minutes than I would like to be here. And... did I mention I didn't like the library. Though if there is one thing that makes me happy that we have a library is the fact that there is so many nice computers with working keyboards, that sometimes I don't mind it. Especially, if I have a cd and headphones.

Speaking of headphones I think I need new ones. The Ducktape I have on these is only gonna last so long.

So, I have a new Phoenix deck, I should be able to kick a lot of ass dealing with it. Should be a lot of fun.

Mmmm... So this weekend has been intresting. Yesturday, I woke up really early for being up till around 3 am. Went to the library, did some studing for an exam and did some work. And went to dinner with Ang, Elliot and Nick... Jess kind of invited herself along. And as much as I like Jess, she can get highly annoying sometimes. She makes people uncomfortable... But, I don't think thats the only thing that bothers me. It's not quite jelousy (c'mon this is jess) but I was annoyed. *Sigh* It was still quite a nice dinner. Even if the Chocolate Brownie Ice Cream was really sweet.

then I ran Streets of Gold. Some fun times to be had there, if not some really rough spots and a little bit of disappointment here and there, but nothing for me to get into here. I can't wait till things begin to desintigrate for some people.

What else... well... today, was sort of finish off stuff. And go to dinner, seeming as I couldn't get to do anything till about 2 in the afternoon today. Can we say sore? Yes, I knew you could. And now I sit here. My group for APEC didn't show up and I did some research on the weaknesses of Apec. This makes me upset, but I will not carry them, Ill do the stuff to get me all set, but I will not be the baby sitter and they will not ride on my coat tails. I cut those off way back.

I guess thats it. This only took 10 minutes, see what happens when you put a good keyboard infront of me. And thats with Jason saying hi to me. heh... I wanna see a movie... Eternal Sunshine mayhaps. But I have a few DVDs anyone want to come see. Do you mayhaps?

Randomness 2

So there was much gaming last night and it was good. Though I still missed hanging out at the University. I swear in my old age, I have become such the homebody. Or really, is that the "campus-body"...

So there is another game happening tonight at Auerbac 4th floor. If your so inclinded to flex some muscles playing a vampire of a clan and flexing some knowlege of Machiavelli, well then by all means come by.

Its so nice out, and Im stuck in a library. I think I've run out of steam to do some research and so Ill email some EBSCO things and finish The Bacchae outside. Yea...

*thinks* yea. Anything going on in my life? I seriously, can't see why people think my life is all that intresting, what do I do? mmm

Oh yeah, I promised that I would post it.
For your stalking pleasure, may I present to you my schedule.

Monday/Weds
9:15 am leave for class
10.30-11.20 Art and thought in classical greece
11.30-12 Work
12.30-1.20- Japanese Class
1.30-2 work
2.30-4.10- Political Inquiry
5.30-7.30 (or earlier) Dinner
Rest of night- free

Tuesday
9:15 am leave for class
10-1 Work
1.30-2.45 US/Chinese Relations
4.20-6.50- Int'l Organizations and Law
Rest of night free

Thursday
9:15 am leave for class
10-1 Work/ 10-12.15, 12.30-1 GLS meetings
1.30-2.45 US/Chinese Relations
rest of night free

Friday
9:15 am leave for class
10.30-11.20 Art and thought in classical greece
12.30-1.20- Japanese Class
1.30-2 work
(every other friday beginning with 2/27 I go Improv Acting at Amherst Im gone at about 6pm)

Every thursday night at 10 Guild Meetings

Every other tuesday night starting with this comming one, Young Dems meeting Thursday from 12.30-1.15 sometimes Im at government and law society.

First Sat of mth Im at Improv acting. from 8 or so.

How do I do everything here and get politely asked to leave, is beyond me.

Randomness

listening to: Maaya Sakamoto-Yoru

So, I've got some great news I got to share. I got into the PoGo honor Society. Im now a part of Pi Sigma Alpha. Whoo... makes me a happy camper.

might take an early dinner, since Im going improv acting at 6 or so. my lj will definately talk about the macheavallian manuevering... with any luck, my character will die.

Its really beautiful outside... warm and pretty... makes me want to out.

*sigh* So there is someone who uses netscape out there. And is that you soto that visits here still? Call me. mmmmm There's a lot of weird UhA addys. I wonder who you are, comment! Well I welcome you all.

Its pretty out.

I miss the private laughter

So, loyal blog readers, after four years, I've decided to stick a tracker on. As some of you know, sometimes I like to forget that people read this. But, I suppose the better of me has taken over. So, I wanna see... just who reads this. Dianna's watching you.

Im back to school, and while my suite is still empty besides myself, I will say that it feels great to be back. Really and truely. Its great seeing all of my friends and make new ones. Scott introduced me to the new girl in his life, and she's pretty cool. I like her much.

Writting this makes me wish for my old keyboard back. If I didn't hit the backspace butto so offten tis would happen all the time. See the mistakes, it isn't because I don't know how to type. I need a real job and buy a new laptop.

busy procrastinion bee powers activate

Seems like the server that Rem and I are on is down for the night, hopefully it'll be back on soon.

Anyway, so school wise, I've been quite the busy bee. I've gotten my take home midterm ready to be proofread, and added to... which reminds me *looks for a floppy* ... *copies papers to floppy for transport to Pandora* Makes me happy to be somewhat productive. Though, it also disappoints me to no end, how much of a procrastinator I am sometimes. I suppose I really do need to be under stress to get anything done.

Next things on the docket, Presentation on APEC that I need to begin, and a term paper that I need to do for US and Chinese Relations. Oh yea, there is that test in Japanese on Wednsday... But other than all this, Im free for the most part.

I refuse to stay up all night, that is why.

Hmmm... so tomarrow I head back to ye olde University of Hartford. Back to my home in Regents Park, and back to the daily grind. Will be happy to be back, to see everyone again. Hopefully, with everyone being of a clear and happy mind, perhaps...

I know I will be happy to be back there. No matter how many grey hairs (and I do have two), it gives me I really do enjoy being on my own with friends.

Wow do I have nothing to really ruminate on, I guess Ill go fold up my laundry then.

Spring Breakage

So, you, sir, were right. I was indeed, getting sick. Albeit slowly, and I was definately in denial. But it's gone now, I had to sleep it off, right after painting my room a lovely shade of blue green. I was falling asleep everywhere, no matter where. And finally went to bed at about 9 or so. Im better now, as I said and now Im just hangining around here in my pjs.

Mmmm so what else has been going on. I ran and played in two LARPs (more like improv drama acting than anything else)... and they are more or less gone into detail here

Why does every adventure end at a diner? So far I know all the good diners, or at least the decent ones. Goldrock is total crap (to quote StrongBad) Route 9 in Amherst is excellent, and Townline in Rocky Hill is also good.

I'd rather go to a coffee house or something. Tisane is good, but so is Pumpkins and so is Matzacattos. Oh well.

mmmmm.... Buming around isn't that much fun, although it gives you an excuse to listen to the 5 cds I chose to take with me to take home and the work that is piled in my room there. I guess thats good. Its also somewhat depressing. Tomarrow I have to wake up when the crows do and get through my midterm and probably one of the random papers that plauges me. I want to be as free comming back as possible. There is much havoc yet to raise.

I knew there was something meaningful that I wanted to talk about... But, when I started to write I think I lost it. I tend to lose alot of things. Do I lose sense? To others do I not make any sense at all? Well I will tell you, Im an incredibly logical thinker, I memorize things well. I suppose, thats why I do well in my Nihongo skills, since Japanese is amazingly logical. Though my writting never reflects this logic. But I won't be passing in the blog of mine I know that.

I think this brings me to my last thing. I know this blog of mine has gotten me into much trouble over the last week. I know it. Im sorry, but Im not sorry for what was said. I can't be. Because it's true. And weither people will change their perceptions of me because of my psycologial nudity, I dare say, don't ever peek into my written journal. For what they find... well they may open a Pandora's Box.

Do people have preconseved notions of who a person is? And when something like a blog comes into their view, and when they let that curiosity go, and overtake them-making them look at that; are they prepared for what they find? Has seeing a person, probably for the first time changed what they think that person is? Do we hold masks in our subconsious around people to make us blend into society? I do believe we do, and I do believe that I'm at fault. Though, never to the extent as some. Even with a mask I am indeed myself. But then again, I don't think anyone is ever prepared for the psychological nudity that is on this blog.

hopefully, with understanding, my friends and family will see this, and accept this for who I am. An eccentric personality... I guess thats what I am.

can you say awkward

From Dictionary.com
awk·ward ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ōkwrd) adj.
Not graceful; ungainly. Not dexterous; clumsy. Clumsily or unskillfully performed: The opera was marred by an awkward aria. Difficult to handle or manage: an awkward bundle to carry. Difficult to effect; uncomfortable: an awkward pose. Marked by or causing embarrassment or discomfort: an awkward remark; an awkward silence. Requiring great tact, ingenuity, skill, and discretion: An awkward situation arose during the peace talks.

This describes my life as of the last two days.

First off, I'm sorry. I really am, I didn't know it would make you feel so... awkward around me. I would have liked to talk to you about it this morning, but Jess came by. Its been bothering me as well, please email or call me? Maybe, we'll work it out. I would have liked to have told you in person, but...what's done is of course done. Be it good or not for you, what you feel, it's up to you. I didn't want to go to break like this.

I didn't think that, honestly, it would be like this. I guess it's up to you.

Ah the University of Hartford and its incompetance

First, I wish I had a tracker on this thing. Sometimes, I forget people actually read this thing.

Now to the point. Seems as though there won't be a Cotillion this year. Yes, this is right, if you don't wear silly letters on your shirt everyweek, you won't have a formal this year.

This seems to be the icing on the cake, and indicative of UHa clubs and the insitution in general. Even with the guild there have been more problems than I can even count, but this won't affect more than 60 members of said organization. RHA, is supposed to be something more, something for everyone at the University.

Crystal, was on their eboard. But with all the infighting and bickering on a grande scale, no wonder Cotillion (the only thing SGA trusts them with nowadays) was canceled. It's so sad to see something like this turn to mush, and gives cirtain other organizations reason to write them out.

Not only clubs, but the University as well can sometimes show its incompetance. With Program Council hiring Vanilla Ice last year, to Tracy Morgan this year. To the University never informing students to ANYTHING and expecting the faculty to inform... irks me.

Not to get me wrong, I like this uni a lot, there are things I would love to change about it, but its a fine insitution. With all its faults. But, this thing with Cotillion takes the preverbial cake. They have dropped the ball, and while I was never one to salivate over formals (I only went to HS' Senior Ball), I was somewhat looking forward to it. It disgusts me, that people couldn't get their act together. And, I think again it just demonstrates the impotence of RHA in general.

Heard From:Greg

Ruminations 5

So, I have no idea why Im writting this, let alone here (this keyboard is a total mess). But, I am, I suppose.

I don't know for sure, but I think my roomate is gone, along with Meagan, making this a half empty suite. And I don't think they've gone yet, as they were supposdly going down tomarrow. Crystal lives in Jersey, and Meagan needs to go to Newark airport (she's going to England).

But, I suppose one thing has in fact been bothering me. Crystal and her boyfriend Tim had some problems. I kind of felt useless. I shall explain, I've never,ever been in a relationship. Ever. So, here I am, the ubbervirgin (named so, because of the lack of anything remotely close to a relationship...that I know of), trying to make Crystal feel better but only sort of falling flat.

But, has it really been my fault for my lack of knowlege in the area at all? Mayhaps no, mayhaps so...I suppose I put off this phearamone (is that how you spell that?) that wards off anyone. Though, I've been exceptionally at peace with it. I have things to get accomplished, I have a college ed to finish, and I do work hard to keep my financial aid. Im only what, the third in my entire family to have gotten this far anyway. And I've seen nothing but trouble come from them at all. With my cousin now with a six mth old child that she has to raise herself. She herself is a few mths older than I am.

I wonder if Im just not with it. Plus, going to a different district for HS, didn't help at all. I've always been thick headed. Why does all this come up? Meloncholy I suppose.

new layout

So, new layout, didn't take me too long to do. But, it was time I could have used sleeping. But, there are 24 useable hours in a day, I plan to use them all.

Its wednesday! …—j“ś‚Å‚·BIsn't it fun? *sigh*

Saw Paul Gigout yesturday, was intresting. Though I think I disagreed with some of his thoughts. Such as, his assumption that culture is going to be that big of a deal come November.

Im sitting here wondering where a relationship of mine is heading. I would like for it to get... more...(whats the word I want?). I guess I just want to know where we stand. I'd like that. Because, I... well these things take time.

Damn I need a new Layout

So, first I need to talk about quite possibly the best thing I have ever seen in the world. Pixel the Powder Pink Cadillac. Yes, you have just read that correctly, for all the good that will do you. My friends Nick and Ang and I, went to Ming Dynasty, which was good stuff by the way, walking back to the car and talking how we were too lazy to walk to the wal-mart in the same shopping center, we come across it and its ... glory. Its this poweder pink cadillac, with the grey (or is that gray?) underside. It had the gaudy paint brush detail on the side. And the Connecticut licence plate? It said Pixel. I wonder why. There must be a good story that deals with that thing.

Raising havoc in a wal-mart is good stuff. Especially, marching toward the soap aisle.

I should talk about Game, but that's what the LJ is for.

Dinner is always a fun time in the commons, especially, when its Elliot, Nick and Ang. And when the Broccoli tries to run for its life; that's when you know that... you spend too much time there. And I only go there once a day... if that.

I had that midterm today, and it was total crap. Though, when I think that way, I tend to do well on things. Time... more like two days, will tell.

So, Martha Stewart got arrested. Somewhat of a bittersweet victory. Her charges that she was convicted of carry 20 or so years, but she would only have to serve about 1.5 maybe less. Yes, she was indeed convicted, but I can't see anything but special treatment. No one may be above the law, but I suppose sentencing would be. She is crying out for her name to be cleared and to have an appeal. I doubt she'll win that. She did what she did, she should be at least publicly ostracized for it. Though, she would spend the time in Danbury CT's minimum security prison (for rich people), its more or less a spa with prison guards. Though, it does remind me of a greek tradgedy. Can you feel the Catharsis?

John Kerry has the nomination of the Democratic party more or less clinched. I stand behind him one hundred precent. He is a strong cadidate and probably the best that we could put out so far. But, I do have some trepidations. He must pick Edwards for his running mate. He couldn't have dropped out that quickly not to have something in mind. He was very smart not to divulge anything during his concession speech. Though it will be an uphill battle. President Bush, has a mound of money- making it most difficult to overcome it. No, matter what happens, I do hope this breaks Young Person Apathy. It makes me mad that no one does anything about... well anything. I need to familiarize myself with the Kerry Policies, so I can fully support him, but I will. A good place to go to see intresting independently made commercials that aren't for Bush is Bushin30seconds.com great place that.

Let's see... nope. I think that's it. I need to finish moving over my site, and do layout for this here place. When I decide on an intresting picture to base it on...