peace || joy || love
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absolutely f***ed up i don't know why i used the f-word. it's not usually in my dictionary. but it is kinda appropriate cos tt's exactly the way i feel now. i am not depressed or anything, i just feel unreal again. i don't know why i'm here, i don't know why i'm doing what i'm doing, i don't seem to know anything. SCHOOL SUCKS! would someone just save me? where's my superman/batman/even powerpuff girl? i need someone to save the world. actually out of all the superheroes i prefer batman. i think superman and spiderman are too fake...cos how likely is someone going to become a superhuman by getting some meteor radiation (was that what happened to superman?) or getting bitten by some spider? maybe we should try. catch a spider, make it bite you and see if you can become spiderman/woman. totally fun. so much to reflect upon yet reflection brings nothing but regrets. i shall not reflect anymore for today. too much to be done yet i yearn to do nothing. i sound like some naggy old woman. oh well, i feel so jaded. SCHOOL SUCKS! had to repeat that just to make my point. i wish i could pon school but why is the stupid school system like that?! if i could become the education minister, i would implement 101 policies to make sure people enjoy school. school is such a dread for me. i hate it. it's not the people or anything. i think it's just me. forget it, no one will understand. finally, once and again, SCHOOL SUCKS! beek smiled on better late than never. i couldn't get online yesterday, er...actually i didn't even try. but anyway HAPPY VDAY!. it's not exactly my fave time of the year, i like christmas more. but well, it's passable. hc's vday culture is really pathetic compared to st nicks. pple in st nicks basically hug everyone they know on vday and it was almost like a holiday for us. but well, guess things will have to change. anyway, friday was so crap. esp the part when i went out after sch. yernfai the retard called me jiejie. he called angela tt too. he's a retard, no doubt abt tt. but i did get alot of laughs from his retarded crap. and joy to the girls in the world...guys have many limitations when it comes to dressing up. but girls don't, at least tt's what i think. if you don't believe me, ask yernfai, tohloy, richard or angela. they can provide testimonies to my theory. sat's cs wasn't all tt bad. i couldn't finish making the presents in time. ah! the presents need alot of skill and patience. shall work on them from now on. am so terribly sorry, the seven of you. i love the balloon! thanks ade, cher and jackie! people change. what you say now may not be the case in the future. refer to shihan's case study. anyway vday was good enough. just hanging around with pple i know. and town was so crowded! i don't think i have ochlophobia but i just don't like crowds. it prevents me from doing what i want. i must start getting my work done. it's piling up like no one's business. i must stop procrastinating. therefore i shall stop blogging now. beek smiled on utter state of confusion. loads of things happen today. my mood was up in the morning, down towards the afternoon and up again after the run, and down to the bottompit soon after. i don't know why. guess it's just too much for me to handle. the sadness and ominous feeling that i have. it's scary not to know the future. it's scary when you don't know what others think. it's scary to be treated like a stranger by someone you thought you knew well. it's just too scary. beek smiled on predict your valentine? i saw this ridiculous article today. it says, the first person you see on newspaper or news, or the first name you hear on radio -- that'll be your future soulmate. i mean, that's TOTALLY BULLSHIT! so this morning, my mum was watching the news. i heard bush's name. am i going to marry him?! nuts. i think bush is trying to be hitler, in a more subtle way. do i look like i wanna be mrs hitler?! amusing article. beek smiled on heaven is not far away at all. just listened to a song i haven't heard in ages. felt sad as usual. i always do when i hear this song. abt someone who has lost a loved one. sometimes, when someone is gone, that someone is not truly gone. heaven is our final destination. only if you believe. Lene Marlin: A Place Nearby beek smiled on moody i don't know what to talk about now. there's a thousand different thoughts and emotions swirling about in my mind. none of them are dissolving. they are just revolving around, waiting for a good time to overwhelm me and leave me troubled and helpless. sos. i don't know what to do. there's something i ought to have done yesterday but i was just too lazy and caught up in my high mood to do so. the movie, stuck on you, really relaxed my mind yesterday. after the movie, we(me and my movie-mates) had a nice time talking about so many things, i don't think i can count them. anyway, i was home so late, the moment i finished my shower, i just sank into my blankets and slept. haven't had such a good night's sleep for a long time. they say your dreams are supposed to be a reflection of your day-life. but for me, many of my dreams are things which will never happen to me in my entire life, though they do contain real-life characters. i suddenly remember once, i dreamed about me and some friends, going back in time using a time machine. and i saw my chem teacher. i don't exactly consider that a reflection of my day-life. my mood today was low and low. no other words for it. just low. heard some sad songs, read some sad emails, thought of some sad things and had too many things to worry about. many of them are of immediate importance, yet i seemed to have decided to push them aside. i think it was my procrastination mentality at work again. i must think of something to curb the occurrence. things are always ending. yet i don't seem to sense new things beginning. the end always brings a certain gloom to my heart. yet some beginnings bring nothing but woe to my mind. it's all part and parcel of life. i have only gone this far, seen this much. there must be things in store for me. there must. be it good or bad. beek smiled on a speck of dust to make it fly my parents asked me if i wanted to go to orchard to watch the Chingay parade. i said no, duh. i mean, are they mad?! i hate squeezing with the crowd. i hate squeezing with the crowd to watch something boring even more. and what i hate most is squeezing with the crowd, trying to tiptoe to watch something which i have absolutely no interest in. it's not like i'm trying to discredit the parade or anything that sort. but from past yr experiences, the performances are totally boring. like BORING...i tried watching the opening act and it seemed to draw me to my dreamland. hence, i decided to give the rest of the show a miss. i do hope they have improved the quality of the performances. i don't really enjoy watching people dressed differently walk past on tv. it's very unexciting. anyway, the day before i was so bored, i went to read my archives. i realised that i blogged about really funny stuff in the past. anything from saddam to girl-who-got-killed-by-the-mrt. and i was an extremely optimistic person in the past. i miss my old self. funny how age does things to your personality. maybe i should look into myself and try to recover the old me. then my entries will be more cheerful and less whiny and depressing. watched peter pan today. quite a nice movie, considering i've never read the book before and Jeremy Sumpter looks quite good for someone his age. is that his name? or did my memory fail me again? i haven't quite found the rememdy for bad memories. anyway, i've never thought that faries could be so bitchy and evil. maybe it's because idiotic tinkle bell can only feel one emotion at a time and she feels jealous all the time. such a disgrace to the fairy race, which i have always admired greatly. and sadly but true, everyone needs to grow up. peter pan is missing out on alot, wendy being the greatest of all, by refusing to grow up. i feel sad for both him and wendy. oh anyway, when i watched the movie, i suddenly forgot i was 17, or at least going-to-be 17. somehow i felt like i wanted to go back to that age again, when i could just dream and fantasize the day away. how time flies, even without the aid of fairy dust. beek smiled on fificheng! meet fificheng, my hamster. she's named by my friends, glen and jy! love both of you lots! she has a cute name, though i didn't know her family name was cheng. but dear fificheng is a nice hamster. she never bites. following a discussion about hamsters over lunch with my class, i decided to let people see dear fifi. i should learn to be like alvin and love fifi more. enjoy the pic of fifi sleeping. such a wondrous sight, really. the link is on your right. beek smiled on an awakening. reading people's blogs is something i enjoy doing, but it undoubtedly leaves me with certain emotions which does not allow me to smile and forget in a hurry. when people blog about sad incidents, it leaves me thinking of myself as a whiny little git. i did not have those experiences that people have, yet i complain much about things which just do not please me. i know i can never be pleased with everything, it's human nature. yet inside me, i just want to have a life that is in all ways pleasing. an impossible dream, yet dreaming of it seems to open many possibilities. when people blog about love, i can't comment much on that. love is subjective. i'll have to be in their shoes to feel the way they feel. and i'm not. when poeple blog about studies, it makes me remorseful. i have absolutely no interest in my studies now. i have no passion in any subject, and i do not have the drive to want to do well. all i want to do is to feel happy in school and studying does not serve to do that. studying is supposed to be the primary aim of students, yet it is not mine. guess i'm just not a good student. i need to do self-reflection. when people blog about life, my heart fills itself with regrets. i suddenly regret alot of decisions i've made when i was younger. many decisions that have made an impact in my life, and sadly, those decisions were not made after wise consideration. impulse is the thing that rules many's heads. i don't know if it rules mine. i'll know later, when i look back at this period in my life and regret all that i've done. but sometimes i wonder, even if everything in life could be undone and redone, will our lives really be perfect? will anything ever be perfect? when people blog about friendship, i feel even sadder. i'm at this stage of my life where i must learn to live without my friends who have been with me during a very important phase of my life. i am making new friends, getting to know new people. sometimes i don't know if i'll forget my secondary school friends. i don't want to. they mean a hell lot to me. but these days when we meet, all we talk about is our experiences in our new school. it sounds as if we have nothing in common already. i don't want to feel the segregation yet, and i don't ever want to. i hope it doesn't ever come. but sometimes being without your friends is good. it makes you realise how much they mean to you. Good friends must not always be together; It is the feeling of oneness when distant that proves a lasting friendship. that was one nice quote from Susan P. Schultz. wise lady there. i used to think that friendship is a bond, something like a chain. but william penn or someone said something which made me see this bond in a new light. friendship is something that is always there, no matter how faint it might be. it is not a chain that binds, it's something......i think it can never be well-enough expressed in words. william penn: The friendship between me and you, I will not compare to a chain; for that the rains might rust, or the falling tree might break. beek smiled on high and gay. too happy to blog today. no reason for my high mood. am just happy. was sad earlier in the day but my mood fluctuates alot and i'm glad for that. am too happy to say anything else. period. beek smiled on a brighter day through the rain. though it rained today, like every other day in the week so far, i feel happier today. probably because i reached home early, which is a first for as long as i can remember. nothing interesting happened. except i had a chance to see for myself how creative the disciplinary board can be in meting out punishments. i feel accomplished today cos i kind of snapped out of my prolonged procrastination habit and did something which i hope will turn my life around. have nothing to talk about. am suddenly thinking about my primary school friends. i still remember all the times we said friends forever and all that cheesy stuff. seems abit childish now. but i still do regard them as my friends, even though i think about them only like once in many many months, even if i forget their birthdays, even if i talk less than 100 words to each of them in a year, even if i no longer have fun with them like i used to. does that still count as friends forever? surprisingly i am not feeling at all sad now. i am so happy! :) for the first time, i actually mean it when i say "beek smiled on ..." beek smiled on out of the blues. i shall try to talk abt less sad stuff. and elaine dear, my english is not good. it just seems good. you should read my essays. it's just paper full of crap. i'll let you read my essay when the gp tcher gives it back. i think i'm used to having lousy days at school. i am not even very sad today anymore. i shall just heck about the sad issues and brace myself. i mean, if i'm leaving hc in a month or two i'd better enjoy myself now. it's now or never. i am so tired now...after a long day at school. am feeling kind of giddy, for some reason which i do not know of. definitely not giddy with joy. i shall do up the links soon when i have the time to cut and paste and type in the links. happy things in life...er i love food. that's one happy topic. went to eat long johns today. tried the fish platter. didn't really enjoy it. the skin sucks. it's uncuttable, i know there isn't such a word but who cares. Do not try it unless of course you have super arm strength, which i do not possess sadly, or you enjoy this sort of challenges which concern food. why am i talking about food? i feel pathetic, so drained of ideas to talk about that i have to talk about food. am i mad? a horrible thing happened to liping today. she got picked on by this horrible-looking and horrible-to-the-core teacher. he sucks. i'm glad he stopped picking on me, but i'm pissed he's picking on liping. i think he has some grudge against st nicks pple. bet he got dumped by a st nicks girl in the past. and i don't wonder why. he is not a happy thought so i shall just stop talking about him. i think that's enough for a day...i am still kind of giddy. beek smiled on the blues. i suddenly think tt people shld not read these entries. i think i sound very depressed. i sound like i don't even know of any joys in life. sad life indeed. maybe i should just make this entire page private. but i'll have to learn some more html to do the password thing. and i'm very bad at html. i want a new layout. this page looks quite gross. i dunno, cos i get quite jealous of the girl. she looks really happy. if only my life could be like tt. but i'm satisfied with my life now, despite the numerous complaints i've made. but seriously, which human will ever truly be satisfied? reminds me of econs -- unlimited wants. idiot, i suck at econs. maybe i shld take bio. another reason why i think i shld change layout is because i did not do this layout myself. i can't call it my layout. i want to do my layout. but i am a total idiot at photoshop or paintshop? whatever the programs are called. and i don't know how to use brushes. and this comp i'm using has no image programs. my image programs, those tt can edit, are on my the other comp, with no internet access. so i guess i have no choice. Thank you stundesign for this layout. a thousand kisses. maybe i sound like a different person when i'm online. it's like i take on another personality altogether -- the sadder part of me. i hope tt's not hypocrisy. i don't want to be no hypocrite. but i understand tt we're all hypocrites. we have to put up an act in front of pple, esp authority figures. it's all part of life. that's why life sucks. beek smiled on a non-supporter of school. i don't like school. it's not the pple there, it's not anything at all. i just don't like school. i don't know why, everytime i go to school i just feel so sad and irritated. no matter how fun school is going to be, i'll still dislike it. is it a sickness? er...guess i'm just one difficult person to satisfy. i feel kind of mean now. i didn't go for my class outing, or senior's-house-visit, whichever you prefer. almost my whole class was there. i could've made it, though about two hours late, but i just didn't want to butt in halfway through. i'll feel kind of lost. i don't know if i'm the only one who feels this way. i think i have a weird character. i don't like to give away alot of myself unless i'm on absolutely good terms with tt person. does tt make me hard to get along with? i hope not. but i feel tt a person should get to know another person slowly. then they won't ever run out of convo topics. so sad, i think i'm too reserved. i want to have fun in school but i don't want to have too much fun. i am quite sure i won't be able to stay in hc. call it pessimism if you wish. pls tell me i spelt pessimism correctly. i have a feeling my english deproved alot during the hols. it's like why get attached to something which you know you'll get detached from? i guess i just don't want to feel to sad when tt time comes. i want to be able to carry on my life without having to cry at home everyday. but somehow i think i'll still cry when the time comes. sometimes, no matter how hard you try not to get too familiar and attached to something, you'll still get emotionally attached to it. i won't consider myself loyal to hc but i would consider myself a hc-girl. how sad is tt. beek smiled on missed but not forgotten. this entry is supposed to be logged a couple of days ago, before chinese new year. but due to the deterioration of my memory, i totally forgot about this. i think i'm going senile. so anyone with any proven remedies, kindly contact me before i go totally senile. anyway, on cny eve, i went back to st nicks. it felt so er, i don't know a word for this, to walk on the path that i had once walked on almost every day, to look at the things i've once looked at for four years. although it's been barely two months, including dec hols, i felt so strange in the school, like i'm no longer part of it. it's so sad, it means i really have graduated. well, visiting the teachers wasn't my primary goal in going back to st nicks. i missed my friends, the food in the canteen. basically, i just miss the environment there. seeing many of my st nicks pals brought me great joy. although it's been barely a week since i last saw many of them, i still felt like we've been reunited after a long separation. the food there rocks. orange bowl was the best, compared to the cold and untasty noodles in hcjc. i give the orange bowl uncle and auntie five stars! thank you for bringing the taste back. it's weird how we manage to have so much to say to each other though we've just spoken to each other less than a week before. guess it's the natural ability of girls, to be able to talk about almost anything under the sun. it's fun knowing how each other is living now, in a new school without the people we have known for so long. we study the same thing, go through the same education, yet we have so many differences, i don't mean conflicts by the word differences. guess that's why choosing jcs is a serious business. you have to make your mind on which kind of environment you want to put yourself in for the next two years. it's approaching the end of january, before long, we'll be hugging each other in the st nicks hall. may the hall be filled with joy and relief, as we smile and say once again, "goodbye, my friend". beek smiled on new year day one the first day wasn't all that exciting. just got a handful of angpows and visited some relatives and ate loads of junk food. i love ba-kua. they are the best kind of chinese new year food ever invented. i ate so much of them i'm having a sore throat now. i just hope i don't fall ill enough for me to have to stop eating those goodies. it's like once-in-a-year. my mum refuses to let me eat the ba-kua at home. she says we have to save for visitors. whatever. i decided to just forget about the whole weight and health issue since it's new year. i can always lose that extra few pounds after this new year. i can't stand the way my relatives show their affection. they still pinch me on my cheeks when they see me. they'll go like "oh, you've grown so tall already!" and start pinching my cheeks. for goodness sake, i'm 16 going 17. and pinching cheeks are for kids 12 and below. but since it's the new year, i shall just try and forget those embarrassing moments. haven't met my closest cousins yet. wonder how they are getting along. we've been saying on msn we should go watch a movie this festive season. maybe we should go watch peter pan. but we might not even be going since we haven't even visited each other yet. am feeling much more refreshed today, must be because i just woke up from a ten-hour long slumber. i should be able to return to school without feeling sleepy for once. fantastic. then i won't fall asleep during chem class and the chem tutor will have absolutely no reason at all to pick on me. can't wait for the end of new year so i can open my angpows. but i already know how much they contain since my idiot brother opened them already and screamed into my ear the amount of money he received. whatever...can't believe my brother's taller than me already, he's three years younger. and i thought i was quite tall...kids these days grow faster. must be due to over-nutrition. beek smiled on Looner New Year this new year, i wish for my life to make a monkey-crazy turn. add more excitement! i'm dying of boredom here. today, so far was boring. like absolutely so. every year, we do the same old things. wake up, eat breakfast, listen to the joyful old sounds of chinese new year songs, rot, get ready in new clothes, eat lunch, go visiting. it's quite irritating, repeating this every year, just that some years, i actually do this overseas. did i mention it's a family tradition to start visiting only in the noon? speaking of which, it's approaching noon. have to go now. beek smiled on
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cherished || smiles
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peer\pressure
becca
cher
dee
ee
glen
jackie
jy
paus
rah
tribe
impression
a someone yet to leave a mark in the world. a someone searching for something to let others remember her by. a someone who knows not what is true bliss, for that someone is not satisfied by imperfection. and this someone thanks all the people whose feet have left footprints in the beach of her heart.
