i'm talking to js.

^^;;;

i wonder if i should share my little yaoi obsession with him... *blink* oh yea. i forgot. he's really religious. (-whispers- even though he's done some bad things) i don't get along with really religious people. *shrug* it's not that i don't try. i get along with them fine enough but... you know. js is kinna the only one i get along with that well though. maybe because he doesn't know how much i resent my church like other people. the other people always try to make me come to their church.

mmm... he never fails to make me feel better... even though i was pretty much a big sack of shit until a few minutes ago.

T.T

life sucks.

maybe if i close my eyes really tight and for a long time, it'll all go away.

(>.<)

(o.o)

nope... doesn't work. i miss pokey... *poke* *poke* -grumbling- stupid roommates... stupid sharing...

-pout-

i hate my own birthday. i hate this one the most.

--;;; i wish july 9th had been wiped off the calendar. this morning i was so pissed off i cut out today on all the calendars in my house. *shrug*

*heuk*

it's not like he remembered when we were together anyway... so i shouldn't expect him to remember now either.

T.T

stupid birthday.

-smile- -smile- -smile-

he said yes.

^___________^

small victory for nahmool

-wiggles her butt some more-

you don't understand. since the fucking 8th grade, man.

can't stop grinning

-wiggles her butt this way- -wiggles her butt the other way-

hehe. reminds me of one of the first album jinusean songs. the one that starts with "shake your booty, shake, shake your boo-tay. shake your booty, shake, shake your boo-tay." i used to dance around the house to that song in my underwear all the time. i did that at sam's once too. he just sort of... laughed at me. --;;;

it was SO hot last night. i rarely ever get hot when i'm sleeping. if anything, i'm always cold and i sleep with three blankets even in the summer. in korea, i'll still huddle up with a blanket... but last night... man... i don't know. i got up and first pulled off my top and then went back to bed.

and then i got up again and pulled off my pajama pants too. --;;; *shrug* -whine- it was hot...

but anyway, the reason i'm dancing is because after all this coaxing, i finally got jared to think jaejin is indeed a pretty boy and not some monster like he said he was before. hmph. ^^;; and the nakie jaejin clip i'm sending might help some more.

ugh... i got in a lot of trouble from my parents. *heuk* another one of those... things. oh well. i'm almost happy i did. i got to know "sam" much better. i've talked to him a lot in the last two or three days. even when i'm staying with him, i always play video games or run around the house half naked trying to get my stuff back from his stupid friends so we never talk. --;;;

"sam" isn't such a bad guy after all. i kinna made him some big thuggish, korean punk but he really isn't. it's kind of funny how "average korean" he looks... except the 6'3" and the super de duper de deep voice part. he really is kind of ... pretty. i mean, he doesn't try to be. one of the things that bug me a little is that he can be SO plain. but it's comfy with him. and he has nice big arms to hold nahmool when she wants to be held and petted. i never thought he was so... nice. he's just... really, really nice. i always thought he was a big meanie that kind of got his way. but he's quite a pushover. and it's surprising how pushed over he gets around me. ^^;;

he doesn't make me laugh a whole bunch... and he doesn't really get into those "deep" conversations with me... but we have more in common than i thought. i was always happy he was such a neat freak. ^^ he likes clean stuffs... and keeping everything all neat and tidy and in it's place. and ... i don't really like kids, but we both like babies. hehe. that's something, right? um... we both hate certain things about the other. like umm... i hate his fubu and he hates my jekki. (okay, that's not a great list of "things i have in common with sam" but you need to understand, i thought we were total and complete opposites. >.<)

"sam" has this weird habit of cleaning and rearranging his stuff all the time... and cleaning some more. i used to do that a lot too until i got really busy. but i did that yesterday. ^^ i started at like 9 o'clock at night. i took everything off the shelves and off my long desk and dumped it all into one big ass box. and then i wiped the desk tops and the shelves all nice and neat. and then i put everything back in order. ^^ *sigh* so clean.... i took down the lonely poster of hoonie though, and only kept my jekki posters up. i've decided i won't put up any posters of the members after the jekki break up. maybe i will when i move out and make the "jekki room" i've been longing for, but not now. it's too... T.T sad. it makes me think of hoonie singing 'my love' by himself, and i don 't really want to. (even though his voice is *so* pretty in that song.)

i bought a really pretty bracelet today. *_* well... *i* think it's pretty anyway. and it goes nicely with my new dark complexion. hehe. i sat out in the sun for a while earlier this afternoon. and now i'm two shades darker. i walked in and saw my reflection off the big mirror in the dining room and went "holy shit." mweeh~ i love being dark. my skin's never going to be a pale milky white anyway (thanks to my dad's side of the family) so i might as well go all out and be as black as i can be. i'm pretty excited about going to the beach this weekend too. skin cancer, here i come.

i've been trying to start a new blog entry for quite some time now. after i did my last one, i was going to do another a few minutes later, but got lazy and deleted the whole thing.

and then i tried to start while i was downtown for my interview. i got off the bus and headed straight for the nearest starbucks, which isn't too hard considering that i live in coffee country, usa (seattle) where there is literally a starbucks on top of another starbucks on every street. in downtown there are at least two on each side of the street in one block. isn't that sad? T.T but none of them go out of business. i remember once mingyu and i decided we'd go all the way down seneca (one of the busiest, biggest streets downtown) and visit every starbucks. eh. we gave up after the 4th one... and after we didn't realize and walked into a Tully's coffee AND Seattle's Best coffee. i swear. people here would die without coffee. they'd probably walk around, crawling on their hands and knees, begging someone for it.

my interview went really well. they made me sort female and male drosophila on the day of, which wasn't too hard. you just look at which has a darker ass hole. i took the job of some poor undergraduate boy. i feel bad. he kept glaring at me~ >.< the work they give me is so tedious. ugh~ i hate feeding the stupid suckers... and yet i'm somewhat attached to the buggers too. they're all dying because of this crap food shipment that came in. the bacteria in the food is killing them all off.

NO, i still haven't gone on my date with that boy. argh~ i had to cancel on him again. it's not that i don't like him because i REALLY do. it's because... my mom. -growl- and my brother. grrr... i promise i'll go out with him before we leave... nahmool has a soft spot for half boys.

like ray munns, the winner of the MTV vj for a day. hehe. i wanna hear him speak korean, which i heard he does pretty well. (he lived in korea for 8 years.)

holy... it says that ray's mom lives in korea and she's 44. his dad is 72.

O.o

oh well. ray's still cute. hehe ^^;;

i have another date with a half boy in a couple of weeks. two in a row, i'm good.

ugh... T.T i saw shorty yesterday. DAMN IT. i fucking KNEW his brother called him and asked him to come. and i KNEW i should have left before he got there but NO. nahmool wanted to see the beautiful creature... and i did. *heuk* kyah~ he's so sweet. and nahmool likes the way he waves. "hiyeeeee~" nahmool has one sad ass excuse to go visit his new apartment every day beginning of next school year. T.T i have about 8 papers to write for IB, all of which i need to do tons and tons of research for. i'll probably be using the university library... and i'll need someone to check the books out for me. -looks at shorty and gives him puppy eyes- pLeAsE?! and he'll say okay, just make sure i don't return them late. YAY. actually, i used mingyu this year to do that... hehe. *shrug* ^^;;

ugh~~ esca can't get into my new blog. neither can maggie. JAOITQ(Y$Q#()TQEHVHKDAHOGE ooish. maybe i'll move again.

-playing with pretty lace-

la la la

it's for pokey's fairy bed. *blink* ^_____^ lace lace lace

i spent a lot of today just cleaning and stuffs. it was kinna fun. now i think i'm gonna go buy a bunch of cheap products and play make over. i haven't done that for so long.

*blink*

i wanna suck cock.

--;;;

i think i'm the only one that considers that somewhat enjoyable. is it so wrong to get turned on when i see someone getting aroused?

eh... depends on who it is.

ugh... i don't get how to use icq. if anyone else has it, my number is 122180812. help me figure out this thing... O.o

i miss my cave boy all of a sudden. *heuk* it's woo's fault. he's so sappy-in-love-with-vicki. -pout- and all i have is sam... and stupid booboo. and... my date tomorrow. --;;;;; i want a real one. REAL one. T.T

i know... no one likes to read saved IMs. i think this one was from... sheesh... sophomore year? it may seem very naive of me, but i really did like him a lot. and i still do. when i think of him sometimes... i mean it goes beyond wanted to "service" him like shorty. it's like... wanting to hide him from the rest of the world so i can have him for myself.

me: hey hunnie

caveboy: hey *****y (sorry. can't include real names. we'll just say we added the "y" to end of our nauseatingly cute names.)

caveboy: *muah*

caveboy: hehe...juss felt like doin' dat

caveboy: =P

me: hehe thanks. moe hae?

caveboy: typin' intro 4 a speech

me: oh. do you want meeh to leave you alone until you're done then?

caveboy: no

caveboy: it's juss an intro

caveboy: 'n then i gotta write a conclusion

me: oh

caveboy: but no body paragraph thingy...cuz i juss gotta read out uv a book

me: okie.

caveboy: moe hae?

me: oy~ i have a scratch under my chin. i don't know where i got it from either. (my usual complaining and whining. ugh..)

caveboy: awww

me: *sniffle*

me: poor me

caveboy: aww

caveboy: *****y... (name thing again...)

me: wae?

caveboy: *MUAH*

caveboy: hehehe

me: hehe *muah* ih bbuh

caveboy: =D

caveboy: more brownie pointz (nahmool used to award him with brownie points for being good. --;;)

caveboy: hehehe

me: hehe.

me: where's my ring? hehe

caveboy: hehee

caveboy: o yea...

caveboy: sowee

me: it's okie. did you have fun at school today? keke

me: seniors are all getting their rings and stuff. i wanna be a senior... poo

caveboy: aww

caveboy: dun worry...u'll git it soon enuff

me: yea. at least i'm not old

caveboy: HEY~!

caveboy: chi

me: hehe *muah* it's okie

caveboy: *sigh*

me: wae?

caveboy: o nothin'

caveboy: i miss u

me: *muah* i miss you too

caveboy: =)

me: ****y.. (his name was much cuter than mine)

caveboy: wae?

caveboy: ^-^

me: hehe

me: awww

me: cute

caveboy: aaww

caveboy: brb

me: okie

caveboy: me back

me: missed you. keke

caveboy: =)

caveboy: *muah*

me: did you finish your intro and conclusion?

caveboy: yea

me: okie.

me: are you sleepy?

caveboy: not really

me: yea right. you always say you aren't.

me: and then two minutes later you're falling asleep on the phone.

caveboy: wut

caveboy: chi

me: hehe

caveboy: fine...i'll go then

me: no

caveboy: j/k

caveboy: *muah*

caveboy: =D

caveboy: i love u

me: hehe i love you too

O.o i can't believe we talked like that in person too. and acted like that in public. we still do over the phone sometimes. even though we're both seeing other people ::shrug:: he's always the "other" guy and i'm always the "other" girl. maybe we were meant to be afterall. i mean... of course we weren't so cutesy all the time. we had our share of bickering as well. aww -wipes tear- i've been so weird lately.

no date... nahmool too tired. tomorrow. tomorrow. date tomorrow. besides, i can always steal the poor boy's innocence another time.

i've only had coffee and carrot sticks everyday since saturday. --;; i can't make myself eat. looking at food makes me feel sick... what's wrong with nahmool? she loves food... or used to. now all i do is drink half a cup of coffee (because it gets cold before i finish) and count 10 carrot sticks to eat. i like the little shrimpy ones the best. they look cute.

i've been feeling rather unwanted lately.

and small.

and inadequate.

::shrug::

i'm not even sure what's making me feel that way. i just do...

T.T

and i feel like crying for no reason.

it's been a while since i've felt this way. a week or two. i think it might be the weather. it was so bright and sunny out for a long time and now it's suddenly raining and cold. i can see black clouds completely covering where there'd usually be a thin line of orange where the sun sets. that was one of the reasons i chose this room, despite it's size. the sun sets on this side and i can see it from my only window.

i have my interview for the lab tomorrow, but i'm not too thrilled anymore. i'm afraid i might not sound "smart" enough to the people there. plus there'll be that hour on the bus to get to downtown. not sure WHY my mom won't just let me drive up there. my interview's not until 1 but the latest bus that leaves here at 8:30. O_o

my parents are drunk. they came home drunk. they're not like alcoholic, slurring words drunk. they're... laughing uncontrollably over nothing drunk.

i don't think my mom even notices that i haven't been talking to her. after what happened at the beginning of this month, i rarely even stay in the same room with her for longer than five minutes. she doesn't seem to realize it though, nor does she even really seem to care. maybe she's happy i give her less chance to yell at me.

when my dad came home, he seemed a lot more... for lack of the better word, loving. (?) he hasn't been like that since i was ... i don't remember. since i was very young. it used to amuse me when my parents were a little tipsy. now it just kinna pisses me off.

i miss julius.

kind of random.

::shrug::

nahmool is going out with him on monday night. la la la. we were actually sorta supposed to do something tonight but i told him he should go home and rest up to look purty for me on monday. ^^ j/k. wheeeeeeeeeee~ so excited though. i saw him this morning. he was on his way to somewhere... but anyway. i'm just happy i see him a lot more often now. and i get to see that gorgeous car of his. *drool*

besides that, today's been pretty good. i woke up early this morning to clean the house and stuff. and my hair is now streaked red. i did that last night, not feeling like fishing out another 80 bucks to get my hair done like usual. i haven't had any color in my hair for two years now. my hair usually lightens up every summer when i'm out in the sun or something, but *shrug* i just wanted some change. i'm planning to make my hair wavy too instead of straight. i'm getting sick of straight hair.

i spent about 200 of the 500 my mom gave me to go shopping. i only bought three things for myself though, and spent about 3 or 4 hours looking. T.T i think i've forgotten how to shop or something. all i bought were a pair of black pants that cut off at the ankles and a blue sleeveless v-neck shirt. oh yea. and black sandals. (you know, the kind everyone already has. low heel, on strap) they make me look old. i feel like i look as old as mingyu... um... "booboo".. when i wear it. i spent about another 200 on my brother. i don't know. whenever i take him with me, i feel compelled to buy him something, although my mom gives him his own money to spend. my brother got so much clothes this year... and went through about 9 pair of shoes. >.<

ooooh~ and i went to the place i bought my magazine last week and demanded my jaeduk, jiwon, jaejin and suwon posters... since i was supposed to get those, but didn't. actually... it wasn't "demand" it was more like politely asking. and i was politely given my posters. hehe. ^^ jiwon's wearing karl kani and baggy jeans. ^-^ he looks good. and shunnie... with his white socks... grrr... >.< j/k j/k shunnie's so sweet looking. except he didn't shave his chin very well that morning and his skin's kinna dry. *shrug* nahmool is feels like picking on him again.

-feeling small- maybe... i shouldn't have sent anything for pokey's birthday. *shrug* i feel kinna bad now. it's not like i didn't KNOW she doesn't like birthdays. dense dense dense. but that's what i am. dense.

lunkhead.

that's what pitas called me when i forgot my password. i just blanked out. @.@

i think i'm just going to forget my birthday and not mention anything to my parents. i think every year, i've kinna said something about it so that's how they remembered. this year i won't say anything to them about it though. i doubt i'll remember either. or maybe i will. "KC" is supposed to call and take me out, but that won't be much difference from the other times we did "stuff." i need to lose weight by then. if no one else will take me out, i'll go by myself and go shoppoing or just read or something. some birthday celebration, eh? i don't care. i sorta want to be all alone by my lonely self, listening to hoonie's lonely version of "my love."

grrr... what the hell am i saying? i love birthdays. just not mine. i remember once i tired to make at least miyuk gook for myself. >.< didn't work. and then once i just... i don't know. everyone in my family was just gone last year. jonathan won't be here yet again. he and mingyu are going to chicago. *heuk* they said it's business, but mingyu doesn't even work so that means they're lying to me. mingyu never tells me anything anymore.--pout- it's not fair. how came i always lose friends.

T.T that time of year has settled again. right after my birthday, after sam's, after suwon's. it's like BAM. it hits and it starts all over again.

but maybe.... i'll be ready for it this year? maybe i'll just spend the whole day writing like i did for part of the day last year. i finished most of folding roses that day. or maybe i'll just cry the whole time like i spent the other half of the day last year. eesh.

i feel moody. i'm even wearing the pretty pink shirt that usually means i'm in a good mood. i don't know. it's just one of those things i've never worn when i was cross. but now i am so it's cursed and it becomes like the rest of my clothes. -pout-

i need a new cd carrier thing. mine is too small for all my cds. i have like 8 or 9 cds that don't have room. i usually shove about three of them in the back of the case anyway. and then the other six i just shove into the cd player in my car. i'm weird... no matter how FREE i can download songs off the internet and stuff, i'd always much rather buy the cd. even if there's only a few songs i like, i prefer it over someone just burning it for me. i'm weird like that. it's my jekki obsession that made me buy all the other cds, but what about shinhwa? eesh. i never listen past the first five tracks on ANY of their cds. the god cd? there's only one song i like on the second album, yet i have both first and second cds. drunken tiger... i like them, but the members are mean. >.< i shouldn't buy their cd. hehe. j/k dj shine cracks me up. i buy the cd so i can flip through the cd jacket and make fun of his fish lips. ^^;;

i love the hoonie cd though. it's not me just being a biased hoonie fan. even if it were some person i don't like singing it, i'd have bought it and liked it anyway. i'm waiting for reviews to come out on his cd and jiwon's cd. i know jiwon's first cd didn't get very good reviews. you have to like jiwon's style to like jiwon, and i like it. even the broke english. "freeze me, freak me." ^o^ that's like my favorite song on that cd though. even better than ::never ever:: hmm... maybe not that much... but i like all the songs on his album. plus he looks sexy as hell on the booklet.

if you go to any korean bookstore here, you won't find ANY jekki cds anywere. after about june of last year, people picked them up like bills. ^^ i was happy. and plus i got all my other cds from korea that year anyway. but i was glad people were picking them up.

gah~ did you just see how quickly my mood changed? one minute i'm moping about my parents, and now i'm getting excited thinking about jekki. told you jekki makes me a happy a person. and... i'm listening to track 6 on hoonie's cd. it's hard to listen to that song and be sad. i remember on sunday i was driving in the car and crying and crying. but then i was listening to all the sad songs on the cd. like chook bok and track 7 and track 9. and then track 13 just cuz i like the beat and i was pissed off as hell too. and then listening to the redone ::my love:: just made me start sobbing. T.T he sounds soooo lonely. he sounds soooo pretty... but lonely. jiwon's part wasn't even that big in it, but there seems to be something missing.

^____^ i love shunnie's voice. he sounds so much older on the hoonie cd. not such a pushover anorexic boy. hehe

i want photo shop 6. and maybe front page. ^^;; la la la. i wanna make a site. *nod* *nod* i really really wanna. *really* but i need to finish *nyam nyam* i promised pokey i would... eh... looooong time ago. but i still want to finish it. i need to put the new jekki pictures though. cuz hoonie's hair's short now. *can't stop grinning* bah~it's hoonie. ^^;;;;;; and then i have to put in this goofy ass pic of shun wearing that stupid baseball cap. bwahahahaha. he looks so silly.

-grumble-

but he's wearing white socks. that boy has no colored socks. always white. you guys see the 99 concert video? he wore WHITE socks when he was wearing ALL BLACK. BLACK stick to his ribs shirt (^^ yum) and black "tong bahji"... some big ass pants. hehe.

jiyong: "suwon ah, daeh rah. sseuruh dahmeul tae nih ggah."

-shunnie obeying like a good boy- *pat* *pat*

-jiyong dumping in the coke- (what is he stupid or something? he just want EVERYONE'S coke to be flat?)

...

shunnie: "ooh rih 6 myung ih yah.."

-impacient and growling jiyong- ::nah doo ahruh, im mah::

jiyong: "coordi neun ahn waht nyah? manager eun ahn waht nyah?"

shunnie: -whimper-

you know what the best part of that little intermission was though? when hoonie giggled. kyaaaaaaaaaahhh~~!!! so pretty. -giggle-

and the best part of the whole concert? when jiwon's bride wore his wedding dress and sang my love. ^^; (^_^) (_ _) (^_^) (_ _) -nod- -nod-

must go study now. . .

pokey, if your present doesn't get there by your birthday... you have to tell me. cuz i sent it fed ex and if it's not there, i have to go there and yell at them and get a billion dollars worth of money.

i've been really bad about blogging even though pokey made this prettiful blog for me. la la la. i sent pokey's birfday present today. shhhh~ ^^;; birfdays birfdays. nahmool loves birfdays

wheeeee~ i'm soooo happy. eesh. i finally got into a friggin lab at the cancer research center. -jumps for joy- after 108 e-mails, over a gabazillion calls (well, it seems like it), and 3 letters of recommendation, i finally got in. nahmool can have fun studying signaling pathways using yeast and drosophila. ^^;; -squealing like i actually know what the hell that is- hehe j/k i know what it is. ^^ -nod- -nod-

AND i talked to kuwami for like... two seconds. hooo~ i'm on a roll

i think pretty soon i'll work up that motivation to write. i'm going to write a fic with illustrations i drew. gah~ i'm not sure if i'm going to make illustrations for an already existing fic or if i'll write a completely new one. T.T i should finish myother fics first, no? someone give me ideas... poo. i don't know how to continue them... i should just not send fics until i'm completely done with them. (haha in a million years from now.)

i think i'm getting motivated already. the mingyu that works at my dad's office is fucking hot. too bad he's shorter than me. and probably weighs less than shunnie. (@.@ jang suwon now weighs only 51 kg!!!! the fuck... -shoving food in shunnie's mouth- -grumble- stupid anorexic boy) anyway... mingyu is soooooooooo small. he looks like the sexy guy from "punch drunk babies" though so no complaining from nahmool. that shrimpy little son of a bitch is HELLA mean to me though. not mean... he just never says hi. never acknowledges my arrivals... sometimes we'll make eye contact and he'll give me this smirk. like he's half laughing at me, half disgusted with me. but that only makes me want to get his attention even more. O.o -hangs head- it's his lips, i swear.

i have this weird summer obsession with boys with kissable lips. last year it was the lovely red head with the full, pink lips that used to kinna pout when he fell asleep. -nahmool closing eyes- mmm... he smelled good. this year it's this mingyu from the office... only he has rather thin, small korean boy lips. makes me want to take over his whole mouth.

i've been kinna running into problems with the other mingyu though. the shunnie lookalike one. -pout- i think shunnie's not as good looking as him. gah~ people are gonna get the mingyu from the office and my pushover mingyu confused. i'll call the pushover ... umm... well his other name is "david" but ... i know like 7 davids... ummm. i don't know. his nickname is booboo. ^^ hehe and nahmool is yogi. >.< ew. those two were ugly characters. but... that's who we are. booboo and yogi. yogi and booboo.

so... how's them local softball teams doin?

um. i wish "booboo" were a model. and then he'd invite me to watch him on the catwalks for jean paul gaultier. num num. some of the fall clothes look so good. whenever i flip through magazines with him he's like "that'd look good on me. that too... mmm... eh. i dunno about THAT. but DEFINATELY that." "booboo" has a nice ass. ^^;; and cute lips.

although he turned down my kiss on sunday. eesh~ it's embarassing really. we kinna had this teeny fight about our dads... since i absolutely despise the man he calls his father. and mingyu hates him too... but he IS his dad... and you know. i guess he was a little offended. it wasn't like a tongue involved kiss thing. usually when he leaves we play around and booboo will give poor little yogi a peck. --;; *iiing*

nahmool's gonna try to lose weight again. and get prettier. and buy pretty clothes. and makeup. eeeeh~ shopping tomorrow. i'm getting excited despite myself. usually i hate it. well i hated it this whole year anyway.