i heard that you can't fight love

running from you is what my best defense is.
hmm quick recap of the day: yuck! high school? no thanks. summer? i welcome you with open arms, some sun block, and a fresh pair of flip flops.

i can't really even say it was nice to see everyone after a week of being off, because it really made no difference (don't take that the wrong way my friends, i love you.) to me whatsoever.

i think we've mastered looking at each other just enough to see the other one is looking, but in a seemingly oops-just-glanced-your-way-no-eye-contact fashion of sorts. i've never really experienced what it's like to see someone and just hurt. not just "ouch that hurts" but that crashing, sinking, feel-your-heart-breaking hurt. do you even realize you're pushing me away and slowly losing me? (because you are slowly losing me.) what hurts even more is that if you realize that, does it even mean anything to you? obviously we're going to lose sooner or later, but i guess i never really thought it would be a loss we'd just slowly watch happen and never bother to acknowledge it. see? look what this does to me.

i'm going to walmart and then coming home to do homework. *sigh*.
::monday, march 28, 2005@06:56 p.m.

are you the one with the hair?
so tonight was probably the best night of spring break which is good considering it's pretty much the last night. worked 5-10 with seritage. "the hulk" drives me nuts. anyway, afterward we decided to go to dd to finish up some homework & ended up doing a bible study. i'll just say this: "i was like 'what's on my windshield?'" "haha yeah, it was a napkin." okay, SKATES ;D haha. i'm a bit confused though so hopefully we can sort things out tomorrow after a looooong day at work. plus, i still have a ton of homework to finish. goodnight.
::Saturday, March 26, 2005@1:02 a.m.

i'm still waiting for you to be the on i'm waiting for.
seritage keeps me in line with updating this thing. she said i have until sunday to update, so now i'm updating. duh.

anyway, i got a prom dress yesterday, but i'm not crazy about it and it was expensive so i'm hoping i can get a dress from my cousin & return that one. i don't really even want to go to prom, however trevor told me that i do, haha.

i worked tonight and closed with michele. i was thrilled that i wasn't working with the hulk. it was one of the crazier nights. i'm still not used to zane & trevor being friends and ganging up on me. of course my best worked with me as well. she keeps me in line. "what did i tell you about that?" "you told me no more." hmm there are a few other good ones from tonight. "your side & maybe a quarter inch of your breast." as well as, "my boobie! ...my turn!" (okay i'm sensing a little theme here tonight.) afterward i took the copper truck for a little spin around the outlet mall and then took seritage home. i was going to do homework tonight, but of course i didn't.

i actually really am going to go read some of crime & punishment now and then pass out. goodnight!
::friday, march 25, 2005@12:11 a.m.

it's like a work of art.
i'm loving spring break. i've just been having an amazing break. here's a bit of an overview from yesterday & today:

shopping with my best yesterday. what are virtues? of course we ended up in the food court because eating is one of the things we do best. of course some new & AMAZING cds were purchased. relient k, amazing, mmmhmm (pun totally intended).then a late-night planned trip to DD resulting in a trip to pville's replica of market street cafe to see the future of my best & i sitting before our eyes. always a ton of laughs with them... love it! why? ;D then there's today. new manager john, who compared his personality to that of the hulks (yes folks, that's right), seems to forget that HE is, in fact, the newest employee to our loving gap outlet store. afterward trevor stole my car & left seritage and i out in the cold, literally, as he took a little spin around the mall. i promised imran i was going home to read crime & punishment and absolutely nothing else. a quick vote for kristin (thanks to everyone who's been voting, btw, she's in first place!) resulted in a spontaneous trip to the mall due to the reward of a 10% off coupon for ae. though i would brand it "a wasted trip" since treee-vooor forgot to put his newest sticker on his employee card & ended up purchasing nothing at any of the stores we went into, the pretzel he bought me & his endless (sometimes quite pathetic) singing on the ride to/from the mall made it worth it. then it was out with bethany & alex... we sure know how to make target a fun time. we went for a little ride, played some volleyball, had some sweet & salty nuts, and caught up on some reading in our "secret spot."

tomorrow i have yet another crazy day! meeting up with RWF for some early morning coffee (9:30 IS early on spring break!), changing the hair at 1, meeting ma mere aller pour nourriture et chercher la robe prom. je pense que je vais faire des devoirs demain. wow, check out my french! french 102 (hopefully), here i come.

i think that's about it for now. time to go retire to my room and pass out. goodnight!
::tuesday, march 22, 2005@11:32 p.m.

do something good for the world.
lease go here< and vote for my friend Kristen (spelled "Kirsten" on there) Karinshak. Her goal is to raise 0,000 through her "Walk for Water" in order to build wells in Africa. She is trying to win this money to put towards her goal, but she is currently #17 and needs to be in the top 12 in order to qualify for the finals. so please go vote for her & tell all you friends! thanks!
::monday, march 21, 2005@08:49 p.m.

banana split decision
wow i promised sarah i'd update, but i'm so tired!

hmm. nothing positive happened last week. yesterday i worked from 5-10 and it was seritage's first day. then afterward her, meghan, zane, trevor, & i went to ihop for some food.

i worked 11-7:30 today (wooowie!) around 11, right when we opened, this couple with their little toddler came in and were shopping around babies. the little girl found an empty folding car and started pushing it around the store. she proceeded to push it around the store the whole time her family was there. in the end the little tot road on the bottom as her father pushed her around... it was probably one of the funniest & most cute thing that's happened there in a while. other than that it was a pretty stressful day, but of course there are always those few & simple things that make it all worth it ;D ... haha.

today i had a big realization of how amazing my guy friends are from some simple things... ice cream & the count of three, for example. well, i'd really say it was more the count of three that made me realize how lucky i am. i may have seemed really obsessive about it tonight, but it reminded me so much that no matter what mistakes i make with guys that are jerks or no matter what's going on i have guys that love me... and i love them because they're the most amazing guy friends ever!

spring break is staring out great... i just won't think of all the school work i need to get completed. time to go to bed & sleep in late.
::monday, march 21, 2005@12:38 a.m.

i guess i was thinking four leaf clovers...

and if our always is all that we gave,
and we someday take that away...
i'll be alright if it it was just 'til st. patrick's day.

okay i haven't written in a while. i've had a lot going on & it's been really stressful. i mean, really stressful. such as: 3 nervous breakdowns within a weeks time? yeah. stressful. *luckily* spring break is coming up! except all i'm doing is working & doing homework... geezy! ;D

we won our game tonight 10-3 which is about the same score we lost to on monday. however, i think if we'd had a scrimmage we would've done much better monday. that's besides the point... we're back & the other teams better watch it! i love me some lacrosse.

oh... and as for the other thing, let's just say "i'm already gone." we'll see how i am tomorrow, though. for now i must go eat my dinner & do some homework (since i stayed home most of the day yesterday). here's to the first win of the season & the MANY more that follow.
::thursday, march 17, 2005@07:44 p.m.

don't you see that the charade is over?

"because for me, it's always been you, always... and i've tried to fight it & i've tried to deny it, but i can't. you're undeniable." -seth cohen, "the oc".

::sunday, march 13, 2005@02:07 p.m.

it's getting tough.

so baby now it’s up to you...
do i win or do i lose?
will my heart fly or lie broken on the floor?
well take me as i am 'cause i wanna be your girl,
but i can’t be your friend anymore.

and it’s killing me to know you without having a chance to hold you.
and all i wanna do is show you how i really feel inside.
you run to me, you can laugh at me, or you can walk right out that door.
but i can’t be just friends anymore.
we can’t be just friends anymore.

::saturday, march 12, 2005@10:53 a.m.

why can't people ever see what's right infront of them?

"you spend all your time preaching about 'waiting for love'... well here it is, right in front of you, and you're gong to turn your back on it. so i guess we're fucked. i'll move on, but you, you're going to have to spend the rest of your life knowing you turned your back on love... and THAT makes you a hypocrite." -cruel intentions

::friday, march 11, 2005@08:03 p.m.

am i only dreaming?

i'll wake up tomorrow & i'll start.
tonight it feels so hard.

::monday, march 7, 2005@10:33 p.m.

don't it feel like sunshine after all?
i don't think i can even write on here.

"we're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are..."

it's interesting watching everything come together while it all falls apart.
::sunday, march 6, 2005@10:25 p.m.

you know you're from jersey if...
one of my favorite people (kim) sent this to me today after we chatted on the phone for 30 minutes. it's halarious & completely true. the ones that are bold are the ones that i felt needed to stand out for one reason or another.

You know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from New York (usually The Bronx) or Texas.
Your neighbor's house was foreclosed after an unlucky night in Atlantic City.
Your uncle is in the mafia.
You have Lyme Disease.
You don't understand why there aren't more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country.
You know what a Wawa is, and know the location of at least 15 of them.
You have an EZ Pass, but you just hold it up.
You know that you should get the hell out of Camden before dark.
You can name all the flavors of salt-water taffy.
You buy Shop-Rite brand food at Shop-Rite.
Honesty, sincerity, and courtesy are things you once saw happen in Ohio.
You know that you don't put ketchup on boardwalk fries.
You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.
You get three 50's in a row when you play skeeball.
You played soccer from Kindergarten through high school.
You always went to the Franklin Institute when you were a kid, but now that the Liberty Science Center is open, you have a new place to play.
Your middle school hangout was the mall.
You're Italian.
You know where to get the best bagel.
You say water, talk, mall, and coffee CORRECTLY… wauder, tawk, maul, caufee
Even your high school cafeteria made good Italian subs.
You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami or volcano.
You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.
You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.
You never had school on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur.
You only take day trips to New York City.
You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.
You go to the local Fireman’s Fair in the summer.
You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring!)
Route 206 doesn't freak you out at night.
Because your town was founded before 1776, all the restaurants, taverns, and shops have "ye", "olde", and "colonial" in their names.
One time, a sea gull shit all over your head.
You've waited for the stupid drawbridge for more than ten minutes.
Your mom still loves Bruce Springsteen.
You know it can be 70 degrees in January.
There's a fruit and vegetable stand down the road.
You often use variations of the word "fuck" while driving.
You can fit “YO!” into a conversation at least five times.
You don't take any shit from anybody.
You live within 45 minutes of at least three different malls.
You can see the New York City skyline from some part of your town.
You know what CCM is and a good percentage of people from your high school go there.
You have or know someone with mafia connections.
You know that the New York Jets should be called the New Jersey Jets.
You've been in a town or city where Spanish is spoken more than English.
You know where to get drugs in Paterson, Newark, or New York.
You know where to get a freshly cooked Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich at 2 a.m.
Z-100 used to be your favorite radio station, now it's K-Rock.
Anything less than six inches of snow ain't shit.
Someone cut you off on the road and you told them to go fuck themself.
Regardless of religion, you’ve been called a JAP, probably by someone who has no idea of the meaning.
You’re more comfortable in 4-inch heels than sneakers.
You have spent five days in a row at the shore, without spending one night in a hotel.
You call it the shore.
You call it The City.
You know that the Garden State should really be called the Suburb State, and that’s OK with you-I mean Philly cheesesteaks + real bagels CANNOT BE BAD.
You’ve said, “It smells like New York in here."
Your town has more water restrictions than people living in "dry" states i.e. Arizona, and Nevada.
You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges."
You know that it's called "Great Adventure," not "Six Flags."
You've ordered a hard roll with butter for breakfast.
You went to Seaside or Pt. Pleasant after your HS prom.
You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.
You've eaten at a diner at 3 am.
Whenever you park, there's a Camaro within three spots of you.
You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.
You know what town Jon Bon Jovi is from.
You know what a "jug handle" is.
You know that "Piney" isn't referring to a tree.
It’s a "sub" not a "submarine sandwich" or worse yet, a "hoagie" or a "hero."
You know how to properly negotiate a Circle.
You knew that the last statement had to do with driving.
You know that this is the only "New..." state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (like, try ...Mexico, ...York, ...Hampshire (doesn't work, does it?).
You consider a corned beef sandwich with lettuce and mayo a sacrilege.
Same is said for pastrami.
You know that people from 609 area code are "a little different."
You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton - that's for out-of-staters.
The Jets-Giants fight has started at your local bar/high school/parking lot.
You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.
Every year, you had at least one kid in your class named Tony.
You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook Mall.
You've eaten a boardwalk cheesesteak with vinegar fries.
You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.
You've never pumped your own gas.
Every 3 miles you drive there is a deserted strip mall.
Most of your cash is in dimes and quarters.
You learned to drive by backing out of your driveway onto a 50 MPH road.
You find yourself defending the state, no matter how much people rag on it.
When seeing Jay and Silent movies, not only do you understand all of the jokes, but can also point out where the scene is.
You watched "Mallrats" and said, "I've been to that mall!"
At least half the people you knew in high school went to Rutgers.
Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown.
You long for the days when the Devils wore Christmas colors.
You've been to at least one mall in Paramus.
You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. It can't be the other way around.
You were not raised in New Jersey. You were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey.
You don’t watch Nascar, Nascar is not a sport. The parkway is.
Your senior class had to have a lottery for parking spots you had to pay for.
You have no comment for people who brag that they've been to New York City.
You don’t understand how DC is a real city when it has no skyline.
You can parallel park like it’s your job, yet you failed it on your driving test.
You are a natural vulture when it comes to parking spaces.
You like the smokestacks; our air is just flavored with an acquired taste.
You have a scary story about getting lost in Newark, Elizabeth, the Plainfields, or Camden.
You don’t walk... anywhere.
You never know if your school is REALLY closed on a snow day because all of the city's PS-#s take up all the time on the radio.
Newark is pronounced ‘nwork’ not new-ark.
You describe traffic moving 1 mile in 5 min as 'not that bad'.
You know the Statue of Liberty is OURS.
You consider Rutgers to be the community college of New Jersey.
You're not really sure where your town ends and the next begins and you're perfectly ok with that.
You know the mob is real-but won’t admit it to anyone outside the state.
You don’t need a separate left arrow... or even a green light for that matter to make a left turn at an intersection.
The Delaware Memorial Bridge either scares the shit out of you or thrills you.
You have had deer in your backyard.
You're not sure what state is the 3rd state in the 'tri-state' area... oh, Connecticut counts?
You drive a VW, Jeep, or Beemer.
You hold the door open for someone by accident and they don’t say thank you.
You understood everything on this list and could think of at least five more things to add.
::Friday, March 4, 2005@09:03 p.m.

we'll never be the same.
today has been frustrating. this week, although short, has been frustrating. lacrosse practice has been a little frustrating, too. (i just took a moment to go through the motions of how to improve my long pass so i don't cross my body.) i usually love practice because i can work out all my frustration, but when that's frustrating too it just doesn't work. luckily tomorrow we're just doing a running practice which means 1) finally something not frustrating and 2) we'll probably get out early after we get our uniforms.

i really have nothing else to write, because there's really nothing else to talk about. 107 nights to graduation & i'll drink to that.
::thursday, march 3, 2005@10:07 p.m.

love goes anywhere...
back to school today. what? it was actually kind of nice to be back. alright, well, initially as i walked through the halls of high school this morning, i was greeted by loud, obnoxious, annoying underclassmen... that made me not so happy. however, once i reached room 403 (or whatever room chem lab & chem are in) and continued through the day of my AP classes, it made me confident that i could survive the remaining 107 days of high school. especially when we played spin the bottle... "i never played. i'm just one of those girls that goes up to the guy & kisses him."

i went to work today to pick up my schedule and spent about an hour there. first trevor recruited me to help him shop. he got a cute outfit including some hot boxers ;) haha. then i spent about 45 minutes talking to t-ra. that made me feel a lot better, because she's probably the only person that realizes that even though all i can do is talk to the person about it... IT'S NOT THAT EASY. i told her the whole story which was kind of awkward because wendy was in the back, haha, but oh well. it's still a little frustrating because just as quickly as i can doubt, something can happen (like today when i read an old note after returning home from work) that gives me the most condidence ever that it's not just that. what i'm trying avoid is a false condfidence that is just going to set me up. talking to t-ra is like the best method of thinking out loud. she always thinks before she responds to me & comes up with the best responses. i was finally able to sort some stuff out & eventually it will HAVE to be talked about, but at least now i know how to go about it. so thanks for that, t-ra. you rock! :)

i'm so tired from lacrosse and my adventure and studying. yes, i actually studied for my two tests i have tomorrow. i have to do SOME work if i don't want to take finals. okay, off to watch newlyweds & ashlee simpson. i'll leave you with this statement: i need to buy a prom dress.
::wednesday, march 2, 2005@09:58 p.m.

all i can say i shouldn't say.
it drives me crazy because no matter how many times i'm told and no matter how many times or how loudly i SCREAM that i know... i know that i'm really screaming because it's all a lie. it hurts so much because I KNOW it's not true. I KNOW it's never going to be that way. I KNOW it's all been a waste. i just want to know why. you can't do that to people & i can't believe i've let you do it to me. most of all, i just want to tell you that i love you, but i never will because you don't deserve that.
::tuesday, march 1, 2005@09:14 p.m.

things we think may be the same
new layout thanks to the month now being march. the picture is actually one taken by my dear friend ellie. it's a fire dancer :) i need to change the link & heading color because it's a gross color, but that'll have to wait.

today was the ending of our 6 day weekend. the roads are cleared, there's no more snow, and our no-school bliss will now come to an end. i spent the day hanging out with meg & watching a movie. watching movies with her is always a funny and enjoyable time. afterward i took a journey to target to buy the oh so wonderful jimmy eat world cd. i love it.

now i'm avoiding finishing my apq's for chem and doing anything productive as well as avoiding talking about the one thing that's pretty much ruled my weekend. seritage, thanks for yelling at me last night ;) i know & i know and i'll say it again... I KNOW, but as simple as it should be wonderful things such as emotions get in the way. we will see how the rest of the week goes. okay. i'm finished. i really am.

it makes no sense & perfect sense all at the same time. now a quote from the wonderful movie that is cruel intentions:
you spend all your time preaching about "waiting" for love... well here it is - right in front of you, and you're gonna turn your back on it.

until next time i will continue to stumble & fall until i'm caught.
::tuesday, march 1, 2005@06:33 p.m.