04:15 p.m. on Sunday, August 26, 2007:

this is very funny.
my internet keeps turning off and this is frustrating.

03:40 p.m. on Sunday, August 26, 2007:

caroline only has a couple more days in the united states. then she's off to france until the end of december. then she's off to france until the end of the school year. we've never been apart for that long before. we've never been in two different countries before. i do not like this.

i've cleaned out under my bed and threw away a lot of papers. i feel quite accomplished. it's nice to know that the space under your bed is empty. it makes you feel much more organized.

i've begun to pack up my stuff for school. i have two big bins full of sweaters that are ready to go. on the right side of the drawers in my dresser i've set aside all of the clothes i plan to wear until i leave but am still planning on brining with me to school. in the top drawer and on the left side of the larger drawers are the clothes i am not bringing with me to school. i've gotten together all of the books and office supplies i'm bringing with me to school. i feel much less anxious about the move now.

my mother's college roommate is coming to visit us today. her name is cindy. her husbands name is doug. i guess that's pretty cool.

yesterday a man at work gave me a cd because he thought i'd like it. it was called heartland and then something about appalachian something or other. joshua bell, yo yo ma and béla fleck were all on it. as was a special guest appearance by james taylor. i brought it back to work today with a note thanking him and telling him how delightful it was. in actuality i thought it was quite dreadful. he seemed so excited about it when he gave it to me that i figured i would tell him it was a good cd. it was kind of "good old boy american banjo" music. only with JB YYM and BF. so i squandered an hour and six minutes listening to it. i think that was the right thing to do.

the phone is ringing. i'm not going to answer it.

08:15 p.m. on Saturday, August 18, 2007:

I'm sorry, just a little more:
Bush administration officials said the new legislation, which amends FISA, was critical to fill an “intelligence gap” that had left the United States vulnerable to attack.
The legislation “restores FISA to its original and appropriate focus — protecting the privacy of Americans,” said Brian Roehrkasse, Justice Department spokesman.
OH MY GOD, WHAT?!!! PROTECTING THE PRIVACY OF AMERICANS?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

08:11 p.m. on Saturday, August 18, 2007:

From the NYT:
WASHINGTON, Aug. 18 — Broad new surveillance powers approved by Congress this month could allow the Bush administration to conduct spy operations that go well beyond wiretapping to include — without court approval — certain types of physical searches on American soil and the collection of Americans’ business records, Democratic Congressional officials and other experts said.
The dispute illustrates how lawmakers, in a frenetic, end-of-session scramble, passed legislation they may not have fully understood and may have given the administration more surveillance powers than it sought. It also offers a case study in how changing a few words in a complex piece of legislation has the potential to fundamentally alter the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, a landmark national security law. The new legislation is set to expire in less than six months; two weeks after it was signed into law, there is still heated debate over how much power Congress gave to the president.

um, does anyone remember how much we (i) freaked out about this when it happened? it took congress that long to realize they were CRAZY? i quit.

06:07 p.m. on Saturday, August 18, 2007:

today was a day, indeed! this morning at work i had to stand on my boss' back. i suppose i should file that under the "unusual things that happened" category. apparently while i stood on his back i was squeezing jelly into his vertebral column as to not allow it to seep out a crack where it then came in contact with his spinal chord and causing him much pain. cool. i also expanded my c-ferns' terrariums. they were unhappy in their two-liter soda bottles so i added the length of another bottle to their height. they seem to enjoy this change. i cleaned my room, bought soup and a toothbrush and am preparing for North Carolina. i ran into a Hilcrest janitor at Stop and Shop. He recognized me and I him. We chatted a bit and then I went on my merry way to the soup isle. Things like that make me happy. That and the (relatively) new Decemberists cd. The Crane Wife? um, good music. bottom line. Especially The Island: Come & See/The Landlord's Daughter/You'll Not Feel The Drowning. Oh, and O Valencia! actually, the whole thing. That's the point. It's a great great great record. You know what else was awesome? The Decemberists in concert. They may have been my favorite looking back. Tied with Regina. Oh and Girl Talk. Well, GT is in an entirely different category. So is Lily Allen. So The Decemberists and Regina. Great. Now that that's decided (rather pointless I suppose) I'll go make soup and grilled cheese (a favorite dish of late) and watch television with my father. Oh, by the way. I just watched the original version of The Longest Yard and it's probably the worst movie ever. I'm just saying...

07:09 p.m. on Friday, August 17, 2007:

ps. "the girls next door" was in no way a reference to the playboy bunnies. just thought i'd clear that up pps. thelma houston's don't leave me this way is now my favorite song of all time.

06:39 p.m. on Friday, August 17, 2007:

back from a long day of playing with the girls next door. they gave me tattoos and we went down to beaches pond where i taught them how to catch fish with tupperware. all day i've had ben kweller stuck in my head singing la bamba and twist and shout. in between he sings something like, "it's the same fucking song except one is in spanish and one is in english." that line has been running through my head. not very good when i'm surrounded by kids, eh?

02:33 a.m. on Friday, August 17, 2007:

so far so good. the first track is awesome. don't worry, i'm not going to post an individual entry for every song. but i'll leave this window open as i listen to them. if i get really excited i'll write something down. the beginning after the end is great. NEXT TRACK. the night starts here was already leaked on the internet so i've already heard it. it sounds like it could easily have fit into the track listing of SYOF. meaning: it's perfect! NEXT TRACK! take me to the riot also aready leaked onto the internet. the bass at the beginning is different from the lines they usually use. but the combination of Torquil Campbell and Amy Millan's voices is in itself incredible. the chorus on this song is a little to loud for my liking. good song, though not my favorite. NEXT TRACK. my favourite book i worship the ground that amy millan walks on. her voice makes me want to melt. and i like the background "do do do do"s which this song has an undercurrent of something a little groovier than we're used to hearing with stars. NEXT TRACK! midnight coward i'm not immediately loving this track. it's good, but it sounds like it could easily be done by another band and this is just a good cover of a mediocre song. the song gets better when Campbell begins to sing about a minute in. i wonder if he will marry me. NEXT TRACK. the ghost of genova heights starts out with drums. thats weird. for stars. i think the drums are a little loud. let's listen and see how this develops. eh. it's alright. i think this one will take a couple listens to get used to. it leaked on the internet a couple weeks ago and i thought the same thing. the chorus is fun, but not very stars-y. i'll think about this one. NEXT TRACK. personal begins with almost a spoken-word type chant from campbell and millan. exciting: they discuss a girl named caroline, with millan announcing "my name is caroline." this is cool not because my name is caroline (because it's not) but because caroline's (sister) name is caroline! (this is silly to point out, but it's two in the morning) i like this song. NEXT TRACK. barricade sounds like a stars song. written like a stars song. torquil is amazing. nuff said. NEXT TRACK. window bird i am in love with this song. it's high and airy and happy and perfect. and then it changes! and it's slower and more serious and more heartfelt and even more perfect. NEXT TRACK. bitches in tokyo the background music is louder and more jam-ier (not jam like jelly, jam like musical groovin) as the song bops along, the background music gets quieter and then rises up again. this is aurally interesting, but i find myself longing for torquil to sing something. this is all amy. and now all the sudden there is a weird guitar bit and an electronic solo. i don't really think i'm feeling this one. NEXT TRACK. life 2: the unhappy ending pretty song. honest song. stars song. yummy. NEXT TRACK. today will be better, i swear! umm. i'm tired. and these are getting shorter. this is a good song. i like it. there's not really much else i think is necessary to write here. it is a long song. i'm only going to listen to the first three minutes and thirty seconds of it. NEXT TRACK. in our bedroom after the war you guessed it. this is the last track of the lp. the lyrics are great and remind me of Heart. this song is also rather lengthy: almost seven minutes! and perhaps you guessed this too: stars is becoming a little more politically aware with their songs. it's nice that their music can reflect the state of the world without it becoming overpowering to their music. if someone told me they were going to write a song about the iraq war i would say, "ew! no thank you." but stars somehow pulls it off and keeps it in their own unique style. nice.

overall: what makes this lp not as good as the others is the lack of amy and torquil duets. if they are even singing on the same track, they're usually not singing together but rather alternating the verses. stars unique sound revolves around the way their run together like water. songs like today will be better, i swear are great, but would be all the more epic if there was some duet action.

02:02 a.m. on Friday, August 17, 2007:

well, now that my music is cleaned out, it's only logical that i spend the evening, night, and early morning finding more fun things to fill up my library with! i've finally buckled down and purchased stars' new album because, well, they're my favorite band. it doesn't come out hardcopy until late september but it's on the internet for only ten dollars. totally worth it. maybe tomorrow morning after i get some sleep i'll go into detail about the things i've stumbled upon this evening. the stars album is my current highlight because THEY'RE MY FAVORITE BAND EVER. though, i've read the reviews and have been listening to the leaks and it's not as good of an album as SYOF was. nor is it Heart. but it's stars-- i know it's really hypocritical for me to say, but that's all that matters.

12:40 a.m. on Friday, August 17, 2007:

so the stronger video, much like the song, seems to be a copy of videos past. it reminds me of a mash-up of bjork's all is full of love plus the movie lost in translation plus the movie the fifth element. it also reminded me of all quiet on the western front but i think that's just because of the hospital bit. hmm.

11:17 p.m. on Thursday, August 16, 2007:

"The Capgras delusion occurs when someone believes that someone close to them -- a dear friend, spouse, or family member -- has been replaced by an identical-looking duplicate! What seems to happen is that the automatic EMOTIONAL responses to seeing someone familiar one day stop happening, so when they meet their loved one, they have an intense feeling of something being OFF about them. They don't feel like they normally do!"
"And that means they believe they've been replaced by a duplicate?
"Some of the time! Not everyone leaps from that feeling to 'they've been replaced,' but some do, and that's the Capgras delusion! There's variants where people feel that their pets have been replaced, or their shoes or things like that."
"It's probably really terrifying and frustrating that nobody is willing to believe you."
"I can imagine! What's neat though is that it's sometimes based on VISUAL recognition so that affected people will be fine talking to their loved ones on the phone! It makes me glad that I don't have any mental illnesses."
"Um hello you hear God. Just uh puttin' that out there"

okay. now picture that conversation between two dinosaurs and God. AHAHAAHAHAHA.

11:08 p.m. on Thursday, August 16, 2007:

it's still stuck in my head. but that's my fault because i've listened to it thirteen times in a row. i updated the graphic and kept it asofterworld style. and put in my own pictures. words are obvious. i need to shower.
harder, better, faster, stronger.

09:59 p.m. on Thursday, August 16, 2007:

FINISHED! and I can't get Kanye's Stronger out of my head. Well, really, just the Daft Punk Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger slowed down with a stronger bass stuck in my head. I know not the Kanye West part. Except for the chorus. Which is ridiculously catchy. Anyway, here is the breakdown:

I'm Feeling a Remix: 240 songs
I'm Feeling Choral: 118 songs
I'm Feeling Classic: 208 songs
I'm Feeling Different: 214 songs
I'm Feeling French: 88 songs
I'm Feeling Good: 215 songs
I'm Feeling Groovy: 84 songs
I'm Feeling Irritated: 255 songs
I'm Feeling Jazzy: 171 songs
I'm Feeling Musical: 191 songs
I'm Feeling Productive: 1433 songs
I'm Feeling Quiet: 516 songs
I'm Feeling the 413: 272 songs
I'm Feeling Urban: 179 songs

Classic is classical music, different is crazy bits that didn't fit anywhere else (i.e. boredoms and deerhoof), french is obviously songs in french, good is really upbeat things, groovy is pretty self explanatory, irritated is full of Ani and Martha Wainwright, Jazzy is self explanatory, musical is all things from musicals (oh the cleverness of me!), productive is full of things that are happy but not so loud or upbeat that they will annoy me when I need to focus on something, quiet is sleep or working music, the 413 references the classic rock channel on the tv in shelton (a bit obscure but that's what it means), urban is all hip hop (swollen, jurrasic, aesop etc). this is awesome. i am so proud of myself. i guess the productive section was a catch all. which, now that i think of it, it really is. productive is kind of my "everyday living" mode, it's music that i can listen to pretty much any time of day. thus the 1000+ songs. and quiet is pretty large but that's because it's my working music so things like sigur and boards of canada and brian eno all went in there. this is so good. maybe i'll go clean my room to productive. or take a shower to remix. one more time: AWESOME!

05:57 p.m. on Thursday, August 16, 2007:

[edit]: two hours to get through a couple hundred songs. and there are thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands to get through. why is this taking so long? well, where would you file bjork? each song is different and requires a lot of thought. and with about a hundred bjork songs, that alone will take over an hour. and then we get to bands like the boredoms. super are? super you? super shiny? this is harder than i thought. maybe i need a new category like, "I'm Feeling Absolutely Bizarre" in which Super Ae can go. And some Bjork. Because there is no way I'm getting rid of that music. And there is no way I can categorize it. That's why it's awesome. Regardless, I'm having fun on the porch with my music, triscuits and iced tea.

i got three catalogs in the mail today.

05:49 p.m. on Thursday, August 16, 2007:

it started with a cleansing of my itunes. i tend to collect bizarre music on my laptop and end up never listening to it again. it's evolved into a whole new project. i'm dividing up my itunes into moods. i'm listening to every song and deciding what category of mood it falls into: queit, good, productive, etc. this is because party shuffle is lame. and when i put it on regular shuffle, it always plays songs i'm not in the mood for. so, i'm making huge lists of music depending on when i would want to listen to it. i've been at this for two hours. i've made it to the b's. but this is good. this needs to be done. of course, my "I'm Feeling Irritated" playlist is 98% Ani DiFranco, but that was to be expected.

03:08 p.m. on Thursday, August 16, 2007:

they found two more bodies. at the bridge i mean. they pulled a car out of the river and found body parts in it. i guess by now the families know the missing are dead. that is awful.

some people never change. i'm not sure whether to laugh or scream. for now, doing laundry will have to suffice.

08:23 p.m. on Wednesday, August 15, 2007:

clearly i have become distracted and haven't gone to bed yet. i thought it might be nice to note that neopets has had an incredible overhaul of their website.

08:14 p.m. on Wednesday, August 15, 2007:

i just logged in to an email account i use to sign up for things. you know, confirmation emails and the like. i have 111 new emails. two of which are from Dr. Lancelort Wool. When do people have time to think of names like Dr. Lancelort Wool? Do they think that it will compel me to read their email? Well, it doesn't. I just think it's a silly name. Perhaps that's what I'll name my first born child.

08:11 p.m. on Wednesday, August 15, 2007:

half of me thinks my life is going to hell in a handbasket. the other half of me thinks that i've finally done something right. some combination of the two thinks that i'm going to end up messing things up regardless. i leave for north carolina on sunday. today i finished watching season two of west wing. i need to do laundry, take a shower and clean my room. far more interesting things are going on, but i feel myself unable to put today's true events into words. i think i'll skip the run, go to bed early, wake up early and be obscenely productive tomorrow.

06:09 a.m. on Wednesday, August 15, 2007:

today's indietits comic is incredibly true. it reminds me of what i wrote about bjork's earth intruders. volta is no good. i'm glad not only do i know it, but also, cute little birds in a forest know it.

12:14 a.m. on Wednesday, August 15, 2007:

also: today's qwantz is hysterical.

12:08 a.m. on Wednesday, August 15, 2007:

so many stories to tell, but perhaps for another day, for i am tired and wish to sleep. i can say, however, that i just spent forty five minutes sending an email to matt and after i hit the send button i noticed what song i was listening to: your ex-lover is dead by stars. the lyrics which immediately caught my attention were, "i'm not sorry i met you, i'm not sorry it's over, i'm not sorry. there's nothing to say." that song followed by tonight also by stars. (contradictory, no?) this is why they will always be my favorite band. because they are perfect. and i can play tonight on the piano. that's also pretty cool.

remind me to tell you all about Caroline's Kidney Adventures in Connecticut. (sounds kind of like a connecticut yankee in king arthur's court, though the story lines are a little different.)

05:36 p.m. on Monday, August 13, 2007:

as mentioned in my previous entry and made obvious by the graphic above, yesterday was our one year anniversary of our house catching fire. i think it strange that one year ago today, i was waking up in my neighbor's basement with my father and wondering where the hell i was going to live. one year ago today my father and i went to trumbull mall and bought a couple changes of clothes and a pair of sneakers each. we met with insurance agents and called my mother and my sister who were in south carolina at the time. one year ago today i was sifting through ruble, that only twenty four hours before had been my home. hmm.

06:01 p.m. on Saturday, August 11, 2007:

before we went out to lunch with alice, i went upstairs to change out of my pajamas. my mother and sister were out doing errands and my father was outside working on lawn stuff. he called upstairs for my assistance. i hopped down the stairs where i was promptly stung on my left ring finger by a yellow jacket. my father had accidentally disturbed a nest of them, and, in running into the house, brought a few hitchhikers with him. we then proceeded to run about swatting them. my mother came home during this commotion and at first thought we were looney and then realized that there was a cause for our alarm. it was an exciting start to the day. then we had lunch with alice. and just now my mother and i got home from buying a boccie set from target. my father and i had tried walmart earlier this afternoon but with no success.

tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of our house burning down. maybe i'll attach little paper flames to a headband and wear it to work tomorrow.

10:37 p.m. on Friday, August 10, 2007:

i'm rereading entries from past times. i find myself growing more and more apprehensive about the upcoming school year as time goes on. for some reason i keep thinking that i'm in a fight with all of my friends from school. i guess that's because i'm used to talking to them every day and i haven't really spoken to anyone in awhile. i think i'm going to send sarah a letter. i've already written it and gotten an envelope, so i'm nearly there. i have her address too. i just need a stamp. maybe i'll break this drought of communication with my school friends to make myself feel better about going back to school. but it's not just my friends that are making me nervous. after reading these entries, i've noticed (i'm feeling really perceptive this evening (SARCASM!)) a trend. i was grouchy. and tired. and irritable. and absolutely swamped with homework. but i guess i survived. and did well in all my classes. so it's all good. i can do it.

12:07 p.m. on Friday, August 10, 2007:

today is my favorite day that has passed in awhile. it's the weather. it's cold today, so i'm wearing long black socks that come all the way up my legs. you can see them through the tear in the knee of my jeans. and on my feet of course. i'm wearing two sweaters, one white and one grey cashmere. i'm eating thai sesame noodles and grilled cheese. i'm watching the second season of the west wing. ainsley hayes is a great character. so is cj. so is josh. actually every character on this show is good. and dule hill is cute. what else is great? Lionel Tribbey. on the west wing. with the cricket bat. you know,
"I will KILL people today, Leo. I will KILL people with this cricket bat, which was given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor, and then I will kill them again WITH MY OWN HANDS."
that part. there's more that's made today really nice. and that story is written on a torn up envelope that went with a set of dora the explorer party invitations. i will transcribe it here. i wrote this yesterday morning with every intention of typing it up here sometime:

so, i'm driving the daughter of my orchestra conductor Kirsten from the girl's father's (Kirsten's ex-husband) house in Stratford to her camp in Trumbull. I arrived at 5:45 this morning to speak with her father Pete before he left for work. Leah (the daughter) doesn't have to get up for another hour. Entering the house, I was surprised. I suppose I figured that since this man was divorced and had not kept full custody, that he would be rather cold and not particularly child-friendly. The sparkling tiaras that hang from kitchen cabinet knobs and bookshelves full of pictures of Leah certainly suggest otherwise. (That and the book titled, The Secret to Becoming a Strong and Irresistible Husband: Discovering the Mind of a Woman) His refrigerator is papered with finger-painted masterpieces, proudly hung up with alphabet magnets. His staircase has tiny little pink shoes on it and his dinning room centerpiece is a stuffed animal tiger. Pete said he had cut up some strawberries for breakfast and left out a bagel and peanut butter, which Leah had requested the night before. He had also set out a little outfit which was at the foot of her bed-Leah had requested a skirt. If that wasn't enough to convince me that this was a great man, the notebook on the counter was. Perfectly inconspicuous, the notebook caught my eye as I waited for the time to wake up Leah. Emblazoned on the light green cover were the words Leah & Daddy, written in a childish scrawl by the father, and surrounded by a heart. On the pages written in the same blue calligraphy pen throughout were things like,
"3/25 Leah and daddy go to the zoo together."
"3/26 Leah told me that I'm the greatest man in the world."
Some entries were simply recordings of their meals together:
"2/10 Cranberry Jello! 1st time-loved it!! With grapes and whipped cream."
some were just recordings of everyday activities,
"2/12 A warm bath."
These were the ones that struck me the most:
"1/29 Vazzys w/ daddy after school. Spagetti (spelled as such) & meatballs!! Leah is my hero."
"Feb 11 - Leah tells me I'm her 'shining star' on the phone during her bed time call."
"Feb 17 - Leah bowls for the 1st time and gets a spare!"
"2/21 Leah and daddy together since last saturday morning... the greatest days of my life. Leah is my everything."
"Friday April 6 - Leah painted her ceramic tea set. Not 'Good Friday' awesome friday with Leah!"
"5/16/07 You are at mommies house tonight and I miss you so, love daddy."
"5/13 Leah and I had an awesome talk before night-night time. We decided we would tell each other everything no matter what and that I would always support and listen to her words as she would with me."
The last entry in the book:
"Aug 4: Leah is the love of my life, I hope she knows how much I love her and enjoy every minute we're together."

how on earth can anyone have a miserable day after reading things like that?

11:22 a.m. on Friday, August 10, 2007:

newland archer!

this is more exciting than you realize.

10:57 a.m. on Friday, August 10, 2007:

the movie prime came on after cruel intentions. it's starting right now. you know, that one with meryl streep and uma thurman. it's starting with that song glory days. what a great song. why didn't i know that this song was in this movie? it's a little different, i wonder if this is the original version. i must find out. but not now. i'm still in cruel intentions mode. and hungry.

10:51 a.m. on Friday, August 10, 2007:

this was a great morning for watching cruel intentions and painting my nails.

09:45 a.m. on Friday, August 10, 2007:

when i look at my bank statement online it shows me the past two weeks of debits and credits on my card. credits of course being the paychecks i'm depositing. debits being the money i take out. and all the debits are at about thirty dollars. what are all these thirty dollar charges? there are four of them in the past two weeks. oh, gas. damn gas. it's sad that that's the only thing i've been buying. that's no fun at all.

09:35 p.m. on Thursday, August 9, 2007:

From Qwantz today: "But I guess what I like about Chuckles and his fetish is that's so impossible, so doomed. He's got this sexual idea that he'll never reach! He's like the guy that gets turned on by entropy decreasing in a closed system.

Holy crap! Where did that entropy idea come from? Entropy decreasing in a closed system is so WRONG...So NAUGHTY.

Aw man! Am I a dude who gets turned on by descrambling an egg?"

11:17 a.m. on Wednesday, August 8, 2007:

one of those textbooks, for government, i found online for $1.82. nice. regardless, this morning, after purchasing all of these books and adding on the shipping and tax, the total came to $408.02. WHY IS LEARNING SO EXPENSIVE?!

11:05 p.m. on Tuesday, August 7, 2007:

so three of my classes have their book lists up: organic chem, american government, and physics. so, i scoured the internet for the cheapest listings of the books i need. in total, with the cheapest prices online, for used books for these three classes, i am going to spend over 350 dollars. that is ridiculous.

10:31 p.m. on Tuesday, August 7, 2007:

my mom had a gig to play at the gazebo near the library and town hall. i sat with john mark and my grandmother. he was there to video tape the event for channel seventeen. at the conclusion of the evening a man tapped him on the shoulder and told him how lucky he was to have a girlfriend as pretty as me. ever since i've had the song "tempted by the fruit of another" stuck in my head. haha. my life is pretty fun sometimes.

i'm really excited that school is so soon, but also kind of nervous. has summer really gone by this quickly?

05:10 p.m. on Tuesday, August 7, 2007:

when did rooney and feist become "new" artists? especially rooney. why does vh1 present them as new artists? they've been around forever!

01:49 p.m. on Monday, August 6, 2007:

oh man! i the mail just came! and in it was a copy of our final report for chem. like, it's been bound and published and my name is on the front cover! oh man, this is so so so exciting!!!!!!

01:34 a.m. on Monday, August 6, 2007:

ALSO! FUCK THIS FUCKING NATION AND ITS UNCONSTITUTIONAL DECISIONS. please read the NYT article Bush Signs Law Widening Reach for Wiretapping. I would like people to recognize this is yet another attempt by the Bush administration to do away with our penumbra of privacy (this is going to turn into a bicen-fueled rant) which was outlined by Justice William Douglass in Griswold when he said “Various guarantees [within the Constitution] create zones of privacy, such as the First Amendment right of association…the Fourth Amendment right to be secure in one’s person…the Fifth Amendment right to not surrender anything to one’s detriment, and the
Ninth Amendment to not deny or disparage any right retained by the people. These cases press for recognition of the penumbral rights of privacy and repose.” I’m scrounging for our old bicen stuff that has things like quotes from Justice Arthur J. Goldberg saying, “The language and history of the Ninth Amendment reveal the framers of the Constitution believed there are additional fundamental rights, protected from governmental infringement, which exist alongside those fundamental rights specifically mentioned in the first eight constitutional amendments.” AND AS WE ALL KNOW wiretapping was ruled unconstitutional in 1967 in Katz v. US. Protection from electronic eavesdropping, which the Bush administration just said okay to, was brought under the fourth amendment. REMEMBER, “ ‘protects, people, not places.’ It made no difference, he went on, that FBI against had not trespassed on the private property of the suspect, because what they had done violated the privacy on which he relied.” And seeing as the Supreme Court has already found privacy exists under substantive due process, WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY’RE DOING?! I would also like people to note the part of the article that says, “Congressional aides said Sunday that they believed that pressure from major telecommunications companies on the White House was a major factor in persuading the Bush administration to do that. Those companies were facing major lawsuits for having secretly cooperated with the warrantless wiretapping program, and now wanted greater legal protections before cooperating further.” Let’s all watch as the Founding Fathers roll over in their graves. SINCE WHEN WAS PRESSURE FROM CORPORATIONS ENOUGH TO AFFECT DECISIONS MADE REGARDING THE CONSTITUTIONALITY OF ANYTHING? Is nothing sacred? Can we no longer be safe under the reach of the Constitution? Can companies pressure the administration so we can pass unconstitutional laws so that the companies are shown in a better light? WHAT THE FUCK? Okay, so maybe they got a really good tip and need to wiretap in order to save the world. THEN GET A FUCKING WARRANT. this is unbelievable. remember the days when the law required that investigations must at least be authorized by a court? oh no, but now the world is so dangerous let’s just bypass our constitution. FUCK YOU. but, gracie, we’re not targeting the Americans! we’re targeting the people they’re talking to. FUCK THAT. first of all, you have no right to wiretap people in other countries. you do not rule the world. second of all, even if you say that you’re not targeting the American, you are still wiretapping them and invading their right to privacy. DUH YOU FUCKING MORONS! Does anyone remember US v. Nixon where the court voted EIGHT TO ZERO that warrantless wiretapping for national security reasons was unconstitutional and frankly a load of crap?! Before I start sighting the unconstitutionality of the Patriot act and begin to cry, I will leave you with this quote from Justice Louis Brandeis from the infamous 1928 Olmstead, “The evil incident to invasion of the privacy of the telephone is far greater than that involved in tampering with the mails. Whenever a telephone line is tapped, the privacy of the persons at both ends of the line is invaded, and all conversations between them upon any subject, and although proper, confidential, and privileged, may be overheard. Moreover, the tapping of one man's telephone line involves the tapping of the telephone of every other person whom he may call, or who may call him. As a means of espionage, writs of assistance and general warrants are but puny instruments of tyranny and oppression when compared with wire tapping.”

12:25 a.m. on Monday, August 6, 2007:

there's a message i need to send out to three or four people. and i wish wish wish i could just post it here, but the problem is i don't want to have to say it. i want these people to just recognize it and get over it. so i'm now going to write out the message, and then scramble it, and then post it. not as effective as just posting it but it makes me feel better.

a about accept accept advances again all all alone an an and and and and and and and and and and and and another answering are are are are because been busy but calling can’t clearconvince corner damn date day day dense desperately didn’t don’t don’t driving easier emails emotional even every far feel feel feel feel feelings first for got for fuck fuck fucking get going going going good guilty hate have have horrible how I I I I I I I I I idiot idiot if if if if ignoring I’ll I’m I’m I’m intentions interested is it it it’s it’s leave leave like like like little make make make making many maybe me me me me me me me me me me me me means months my need need need no not not not of off off on one one over own perfect prick purpose realize realize really really really really relationship respond sad say see sending so so some started stop stop stop sure talk tell that that that that the the think think this this this time time to to to to to to to to to to too too try up wall want wanted we when which with would you you you you you you you you you you you you you you’ll you’ll you’re you’re you’re you’re you’re you’re you’re you’re your ?? ,,,,,,,,,,, …………………..

good. I feel better now. anyway, today was our last show and silly thinks happened like awkward girl’s hat falling offstage and the courthouse breaking and the spotlights falling as always and yelling from the catwalk at the orchestra pit director for a tshirt and waving with our spotlights and cleaning and sitting on the floor pelting the pit with life cereal. tomorrow is strike during which I will attempt to clean the catwalk. hurray! tonight some of my mom’s friends are sleeping over. they’re okay people, their much funnier than I would have guessed, and they’re good at making conversation. I just got back from running three miles and now I shall go to bed. tomorrow I shall shower before strike. and then maybe go swimming.

I can’t belive it’s august. I can’t belive I have less than a month before school starts again. AHH.

11:58 a.m. on Tuesday, July 31, 2007:

yesterday, i ate cereal out of the box while sitting on the couch in my underwear playing video games. nice. this morning, i made scrambled eggs on a cookie sheet (not an easy task i assure you) and ate them sitting on my couch in my underwear playing video games. i think living on my own has turned me into a teenage boy.

in other news, spice somehow opened up the bag in which all of my dirty laundry was in and ripped apart some of my clothes. nice. thanks spice. that's really cool.

today i have ANOTHER eye doctor appointment. maybe this time they can tell me how to avoid going blind. and fix this. i really don't want to go blind. so i hope they can do something productive.

and tonight we have rehearsal. OH! yesterday's rehearsal was good. last year's lead is now working a spotlight. she decided to do crew, and is now up in the catwalk with me. i had to teach her yesterday and it was kind of fun. i miss doing shows.

i need to go to the grocery store. i need bread. and milk. and lettuce. and maybe some fruit. that would be good.

11:01 p.m. on Friday, July 27, 2007:

i suppose interesting things are afoot, but i only have time to post this:

from the nyt -- "While other researchers have made gecko-inspired adhesives, this is the first that adheres well when wet, which could make it useful for bandages and underwater robots."

robots?

11:01 p.m. on Tuesday, July 24, 2007:

NYT article regarding particle physics: "Unfortunately, the model does not say how heavy the Higgs boson itself — the quantum personification of this field — should be. And so physicists have to search for it the old-fashioned train-wreck way, by smashing subatomic particles together to create primordial fireballs and then seeing what materializes out."
SCIENCE IS SO COOL!
also, the man pictured in the top left on the second page of the article online is incredibly well dressed and good looking. this is a rarity amongst men in the physics department. for example, see the man pictured below the cute guy in the article. not really a looker, eh? no offense physics.

also, there is some soap in the shower with an oddly familiar scent. i think it reminds me of uncooked pancake batter.

04:34 a.m. on Tuesday, July 24, 2007:

The apartment is kind of a mess. There are bowls with half eaten meals in them and mugs with cold teabags in almost every room. I must admit I’ve made a mess tonight. I hadn’t realized how much I was unconsciously eating or pulling out from cabinets only to absentmindedly place things where they did not belong. And I have no idea how anyone expects me to sleep now. Though, I must admit, I’ve exhausted myself sitting on the bathroom floor bouncing up and down. Scooting around on the carpet squealing and crying. Rolling off the couch at points and, as previously mentioned, making quite a mess in the process. I know I have to go to work tomorrow morning. And I have to be on the road in little over two hours. But who cares? We knew Harry and Ginny were meant to be together. And thank you to JKR for understanding our outrage at the conclusion of six because of Harry’s ridiculous “I can’t let you get hurt” speech. That was lame. And thank you to Ron and Hermione for realizing they, too, were meant to be together. I’m too excited to sleep. I’m too busy accidentally calling Spice (the dog) Sirius (I have done this accidentally several times this evening), and squeaking out noises of delight and excitement as I walk circles around the apartment, my heart still fluttering. I swear that out of the corner of my eye I can see my relatives, posed in the pictures that flood this apartment, wave and smile and wink at me as I continue to waltz about, relatively oblivious to the fact that I probably woke my neighbors with my triumphant yells as good finally triumphed over evil. I swear the refrigerator is really a vanishing cabinet that will take me to the Room of Requirement. And I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

10:47 p.m. on Sunday, July 22, 2007:

asofterworld has yet to update. acting as simply one more thing that plagues me this evening. perhaps it's the reading (and its dark subject matter) but i've been feeling a bit off for the past couple of hours.

09:10 p.m. on Sunday, July 22, 2007:

it takes exactly twenty six minutes to get from my house to the monroe apartment when avoiding daniel's farm road all together. i suppose it would take far less time if i took moose hill, but who'd want to do that? that's just crazy.

after a delightful discovery of 46 fluid ounces of tomato juice in the refrigerator, i shall now settle down and commence more of the harry potter. of course, i should have read it by now! you protest (surely she is jesting) alas i haven't even started book seven. after finishing book five, i spent a day or two not reading six at all because i couldn't find it. and as caroline, who was the last person to read it, was in massachusetts, i gave up. i think i'll enjoy seven more with six under my belt. (granted i've already read it twice, but i think it should be fresh in my memory). so i've got about two hundred more pages of six to go and maybe i'll sink my teeth into seven later this evening. caroline of course burned through it this afternoon. at dinner, she asked whether the rumors about death specifically mentioned people or whether they could be animals, too. (she had about two hundred pages left at this point) she looked quite shocked when i shouted, "HEDWIG DIES ON PAGE FIFTY SIX DOESN'T SHE?!" perhaps she was startled because i had jumped out of my chair and threw my arms in the air (an uncommon occurrence for dinner time banter). she responded in a quite voice she knew not on which page it was. if you haven't read it yet, and didn't know that hedwig was going to die, you should have A) already read it so that shouldn't have been a problem and/or B) figured it would happen anyway. (though not have guessed perhaps the page on which it was going to happen. this number a result only of an unfortunate occurrence which happened earlier to me this week. i would rather like to go to bed early, but i don't want to go to work tomorrow without having read it as i know i'll be surrounded by talk about it. tut tut hard decisions await.

10:08 a.m. on Sunday, July 22, 2007:

a truly delightful morning. a breakfast of kix, milk and mario kart followed by two cups of tea and harry potter. now perhaps a nap. what a glorious start to the day.

10:11 p.m. on Wednesday, July 18, 2007:

pppps. i like that while discussing the cause of the broken steam pipe bloomberg mentioned cold water could potentially be the culprit, as "old water apparently causes these to explode." well, i'm sure that's exactly it. thank you mayer bloomberg.

ppppps. while logging into my pitas account, instead of typing my login name, i typed hogwarts.

PPPPPPS!!!!!! the NYT quoted the mayer saying the same thing. making him, of course, sound like an idiot. i'm glad we're on the same wavelengths. me and the NYT. that's fun.

09:39 p.m. on Wednesday, July 18, 2007:

my father just finished harry potter and the chamber of secrets. i love that now, after he's closed the book, i catch him smiling to himself. and i know it's because his heart is still racing and he's still thinking about harry battling tom riddle and rescuing ginny. last night i stayed up late reading fanfiction again. i really shouldn't, as i have yet to finish five and six. and seven comes out this weekend!
enough on harry. here is more of my life:

i am currently relishing the new-book-smell of joey comeau's it's too late to say i'm sorry. anyone incredibly awesome will recognize the author as none other but the coauthor of asofterworld comics. you can find bits of his book online if you navigate around the asofterworld website but the whole book was just too tempting. it came in the mail this afternoon.

orchestra camp is great. i love teaching, so my favorite part is of course the one-on-one with the violas. though, today was a struggle trying to play the violin part on the viola while making sure the bass player was on the right song and keeping the other violas on beats two and four. (this is a foreign concept for these kids, for some reason, they can't stop playing on one and three and it's really getting to be irritating.) other than the viola who plays the harry potter theme all the time (excuse me HP freaks, hedwig's theme) i like the kids there too. there's one boy, brother of robin the violinist who plays the cello who i can't take my eyes off of. (sorry regarding the preposition concluding that sentence) he's twelve, and an incredible musician. i've taken to memorizing my music so i can play and watch his fingers glide around on his fingerboard rather than watching notes go by on a page. his brother robin is startlingly similar to junji. you know, japanese violinist. fantastic violinist i might add. so it's fun to play brandeburgs and that really pretty concerto grosso with them outside normal class time. enough doting on musicians. that is all on this subject.

yesterday i went to visit my grandmother as i am to be living in her apartment while she stays in florida for the next few weeks. after meeting her bizarre neighboor susan who's appartment is filled to the brim with dog memorobilia (it's disgusting), mommo (my grandmother) dragged (literally, grabbed my wrist and put me in her car) to go to the liquor store to not only help her purchase a bottle white wine, but also to meet greg, the apparently drop dead gorgeous, twenty-one year old employee of said store. she's been begging me to stop by the store for a few months and had been slowly feeding this boy details about me and my life and urging him to get up the guts to call me out of the blue and introduce himself. ("he's a golfer. and left handed. and cute! what's not to like?" she urges) so we walked into the store. a boy behind the counter towers over us. i hope this is not greg. as this boy looks far too old to we twenty one. and is slightly terrifying. though slightly cute. this is not greg, insists mommo. so, hoping that greg is not working (though mommo insists she called ahead to make sure he was on the schedule) i begin tooling around trying to be inconspicuous and hoping that mommo will forget all about this meeting with this boy. of whom i know nothing about. (other than he's a golfer. and left handed. and cute.) out of the corner of my eye, i see a boy (young man i suppose.) blue t-shirt. cute. this is greg. so after an awkward conversation (he knew i went to skidmore. sketchy? or simply the result of my grandmother trying to get him to know me before hand? the world will never no) after about a minute of talking we were off and back in the car. yes mommo, he was cute. really cute. and i know he's left handed and a golfer. that's great. cool. now i've met greg. back at the apartment mommo and i begin a long conversation about my mom and cancer and people dying and medicinal advances over the past few decades (really uplifting, you know?) phone. ringing. (let it ring! we're discussing cancer! it can wait) answering machine. hi connie (that's my grandmother's name), it's greg. it was great to meet your granddaughter. she's really cute and i was wondering if maybe you could give her my number, you know, we could go to the movies or something. cut off. why? oh, mommo's answered the phone. hi greg, it's connie. hold one one second. (i ran away, into the hallway. she follows and hands me the phone). so, now i have a phone number of a really cute, twenty-one year old, left handed golfer. hmm. so i've given it the twenty-four hour rule. there's a rule, right? not within twenty four hours. so i guess i'll call tomorrow. weird. i wish my phone wasn't broken so i could give him my number rather than the other way around. now i know what it feels like to be a boy.

charlie emailed me back. and he's coming back to skidmore. thank goodness. and i understand why he said he refused to apologize, and will perhaps accept his suggestion of dinner instead.

as i have acquired a new phone as of this afternoon courtesy of mommo, i can now send mark back a reply on facebook about a number to reach me at. (sorry once again for the preposition). that's good news. that's been bugging me for awhile.

five minutes after my phone was set up, it rang. bizarre, as everyone knows my phone is broken. it's scott. he wants to hang out. so i told him (truthfully) that i'm super busy this week what with work and camp etc etc but maybe next week. though i know this is improbably because my mom has to go in the hospital next week and we have two orchestra concerts. though i felt badly because i haven't seen him in awhile and i promised i would make an effort. though i don't want him to be disappointed when i have to spend most of next week up at yale.

today i wore the earrings that nate got for me for the first time. i'm not sure if this holds any significance. maybe it just means i finally figured out what to wear them with.

so i'm moving to monroe on saturday. this should be exciting. and i will have a pet dog. that should also be exciting. he's pretty lazy. he can't jump up on the bed. and he's only five. so maybe i'll make him run. (is that cruel?)

i shall now retire with it's too late to say i'm sorry. i have to work tomorrow. not interested. i'd rather go to orchestra camp. we have to work on that quartet. oh well. at least i'm working with drew.

ps. today i bought pants that were a "drew" cut. i've never heard of pants being cut in a "drew" fashion, nor do the cut of these pants remind me at all of drew, but i'll take the limited's word for it.

pps. i still miss school.

ppps. i found an awesome dead dragonfly in the yard the other day. along with a really fuzzy honey bee. i have put them on my dresser. is this bizarre? i like them. is this too bizarre? no matter.

09:03 p.m. on Sunday, July 8, 2007:

what began as a dull day became better with some unexpected twists. following the most uncomfortable event at the funeral home, my mother and i popped into porricelli's for some additions for our soon-to be dinner. dressed in our funeral attire (my mother in a black skirt and a black top and myseelf in a little black dress and sweater) we decided to make a giant salad. so we split up to tackle our list and on the way picked up some beans, beets, croûtons and baby corn--which was especially difficult to locate as it's not with the other canned vegetables but rather in the oriental section. after being asked for my number twice while on my quest for the baby corn, i returned victorious, laden with cans. we payed for our treasures, came home, made dinner, and ate it. following dinner, as per usual, my mother and i took a walk around the high school and its many fields, following the trail marked with yellow dots which concludes at the bottom of midland road. (the street that parallels ours) at the conclusion of our walk, we happily stumbled upon a rather ripe blackberry bush. with stained fingertips and guilty consciences we walked away with handfuls of little blackberries and two raspberries. they are now sitting in a wineglass on our counter waiting to be enjoyed. following our walk, my mother and i prepared for our day tomorrow. we are working at the orchestra camp, so, to warm up we sat on the porch and played mozart and duets by candle light. after an hour or so we packed up and blew out the candles, noting the twinkling of the fireflies in the front yard as we made our way back into the house. afterwards, there was swimming. night swimming is the best. the pool reflects starlight, so it's like swimming in the night sky. the only hint of this magical evening lies still on the tips of my fingers. red streaks tell the story of the impromptu picking. black smudges from my fingerboard hint at the evening duet. and wrinkles tell of a lengthy swim session. if every evening ran a course like this i would be the happiest person in the world.

12:43 p.m. on Sunday, July 8, 2007:

i got an iphone

not really. that's just a funny video. watch the one that comes after too.

12:17 p.m. on Sunday, July 8, 2007:

directly after i woke up this morning (about seventeen minutes ago) i said, "no!" followed by "toothbrush." followed by "that was the strangest dream i have ever had." though the dream had nothing to do with toothbrushes, rather, a performance. of which i am going to attempt to draw and write down. these things should be kept forever.

11:04 p.m. on Saturday, July 7, 2007:

so easily
could have been
awful
his story
dropped at the foot of my bed today
but listen:
it was delicious
it was honest
and true
i walked next door
barefoot
to kiss him
outside his brick apartment
this is going to be beautiful
and then it's going to hurt.

09:23 p.m. on Saturday, July 7, 2007:

disturbed. that's the only way to describe my feelings after that concert. sitting on a blanket in norwalk listening to your mother play big band music with her old man band and reading harry potter is APPARENTLY the way to pick up mentally deranged forty-three year olds named tom. what made the hour of trying to be polite (as he was seemingly mentally...incompetent)even worse was he liked to touch ankles and feet. so caroline and i were both susceptible to this very uncomfortable attention as flip flops had been kicked off and pant legs had been rolled up before he had arrived. not only that but he kept asking weird personal questions and saying bizarre things like, "i don't read books, i read faces." as soon as intermission came, caroline sprang up and ran over to our mother to say that there was a very deranged man that wouldn't leave us alone and could she please get rid of him for us. thank you. so our mother agreed, but made no progress as caroline and i pretended to be very interested in popcorn and ice cream and the bathroom and taking a very length walk around the park. when we returned, he had left our blanket. we hid behind a van to check if the coast was clear and devise a strategy. sit on the blanket and concentrate on our books, or pack up our picnic basket and RUN to the car? being losers, we chose reading harry potter. a POOR LIFE CHOICE as tom returned. eventually though, he departed. the sound guy came over to make sure we were okay and told us he was trying to figure out how to save us. after we laughed with him and said we were okay, another man came over who had been sitting in relatively close proximity with his wife and children and told us they were devising a plan to throw us a life line. he also made sure we were okay. to conclude the evening, we hopped in our car, got some coffee, drove home and went to our rooms. i then stepped on a piece of glass. lovely. i pulled it out, made sure i wasn't bleeding and proceeded to step on another piece of glass. i've been calming myself by playing in photoshop and watching sportscenter with my dad. I WANT TO DIE.

on the plus side, caroline and i won some elderly friends as we called out the answers to the band's trivia questions: what movie was this from (MY FAIR LADY!) name that tune (MOON RIVER!) (we got that one in one and a half notes. yeah us) who sang this best? (JUDY GARLAND!) the band gave us a round of applause because we were awesome. AWESOME ENOUGH TO ATTRACT WEIRDOS WHO GET TOO CLOSE AND TELL US TO PROTECT OUR HEARTS AND WHO TOUCH OUR FEET AND OH MAN I NEED TO CALM DOWN. i am through talking to people. and going out in public. and being near glass things. FOREVER.

03:53 p.m. on Saturday, July 7, 2007:

sometimes i buy myself little presents. i guess everyone does that. though i can't say for sure. there's never a reason. they're not rewards nor little packages of encouragement. more like little packages of fun. and what's seventeen dollars here or there? today i earned fifty six. so minus seventeen. that's thirty nine and a present. sounds okay to me. i can't want until this one comes. (it's not too late to say i'm sorry).

you know that song? plain white tees. well, that's not the song, that's the artist. but you know the song. it's in my head. originally i didn't like it. then it grew on me. and now i hate it. the boy is annoying. and the girl is most likely getting on fine without him. perhaps some people like the pining thing. maybe that's why it gets so much air play. i think perhaps he should put his head on his shoulders and pick up a new hobby. and stop speaking in rhymes. that's not how he should go about picking up chicks.

12:15 p.m. on Friday, July 6, 2007:

i still can't believe mrs. fedak died.

so it's begun. yesterday i read books one and two. i read a few pages in three before i decided i should probably take a nap and clean my room. so i'm up from my nap, about to get a glass of iced tea and commence the cleaning. (paint music and all) i have work at four. i really don't want to go.

thank goodness for paint music.

08:28 p.m. on Tuesday, July 3, 2007:

well. our neighbors are finally going to think we've lost it. my mother and i just skewered sixteen half-pieces of irish spring soap and placed them in the garden. my mother seems to think this will keep the deer at bay. okay.

i'm listening to fern gully.

i am disappointed with anthropologie's latest catalog.

while buying the soap, some boy from my sister's grade came up to my mom and asked her how she was doing. this bothers me. i feel really uncomfortable when people i don't know ask how my mom is doing. you know, with the sad eyes, head tilted to the side accompanied by the understanding nod. it makes me angry. really angry.

thank goodness for tim curry and "toxic love." that's the way i feel. ALWAYS. more so since my right arrow button has decided to stop working. filthy brown acid rain. that's how THAT makes me feel. "and after dinner i could go for something sweet. REVENGE. for all those years locked in a tree. i'm gonna crush and grind all creatures great and small." thank's for putting my feelings into song tim curry. i love you.

03:58 p.m. on Tuesday, July 3, 2007:

will-i-am is at oxford. far far away from here. and i've yet to see jess or allison. aurora and mallory i've seen of course. (and mallory isn't even u4)

my dad says i have good reverse-time-management skills. i suppose i do. i'm not getting anything done. i just ate some fig newtons. and threw away the wrapper. thats one less thing i have to put away. progress, i guess.

03:25 p.m. on Tuesday, July 3, 2007:

goodness me. an interesting afternoon for sure. a discovery made that was not really desired to be found. alas it was; further courses of action or lack there of will need to be planned. perhaps just further thought on the subject will ensue. that may be best.

treasures obtained! these things excite me.

currently, i'm pretending to clean my room. but anyone who happens to stop by notes that i'm doing nothing of the sort. but rather playing dress-up. wearing skirts as dresses with four inch heels. prancing about is far more pleasurable than laundry. guilty as charged.

i emerged from my room to retrieve my laptop from the basement and was greeted with something like, "hey there tall, sexy college chick!" from my father. he then proceeded to describe me as half-naked. of which, i am most certainly not, as i claimed at the time. he responded if you took the area of skin exposed from my fingertips, up my arms, past my collar bones, to the top of my head, and from my knees down, i would probably be declared half-naked. bizarre. so i followed him downstairs, grabbed my laptop and made my way up the basement steps when i heard him say on the phone to one of my bosses at the club, "yeah, breast-feeding is probably the way to go." unusual happenings at the winschel household this morning.

i had an avocado for lunch today. sliced in half on a little white plate. eaten with a spoon. anyone who enjoys this gem of a fruit will certainly agree, the taste is most musical, eh?

06:14 p.m. on Sunday, July 1, 2007:

my dad mentioned something about the guys at brownson getting drunk. so i said under my breath (mostly to caroline), "errbody in the club gettin tipsy." my mother immediately responded, "everyone at the club gave you tips today?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

02:11 a.m. on Friday, June 29, 2007:

back from weather delays. back from landing in hartford to refuel and then flying back to new york. back from 112 degree weather at nine in the morning. back from 103 degree weather at ten in the evening. back from swimming pools and spas. back from $2000 dinners. back from three hour time-changes. back from distant georgian relatives named john-henry. back from robert, the king of prussia. back from drinking five seven-dollar bottles of water with dinner. back from jackalopes. back from schnebly rock formations. back from rental cars and 75 mph speed limits. back from arizona.

we got home at about midnight. maybe later. almost immediately i walked over to the high school and ran. three miles is tough when you haven't eaten or moved all day. relying only on a long-forgotten caffeine overdose that occurred hours earlier. and now it's two thirty in the morning. and my cat is sitting in the small of my back. and i'm ready to finally go to sleep.


(I hope that you are a disaster. I'm sorry, but I do. I hope that you are thunder and lightning. I hope you are a forest fire, I hope you kill the dead wood and burn off the rotting leaves. With the canopy gone, the sun can get in. You need new growth. I hope you're terrible and broken and perfect.)

01:11 p.m. on Friday, June 22, 2007:

the picture above the fold on the front page of the nyt today is fantastic. lame caption. good headline. my dad and i noted that the bag, the apple and the pole all match. way to go nyt!

i have to work at four. i don't know how this works. what do i do until then? man my whole day is messed up.

I WANT TO KNOW WHO IS GOING TO BE AT BONNAROO 2008!

10:44 a.m. on Friday, June 22, 2007:

my mom is coming home from the hospital today! in anticipation i have spent the morning cleaning my room. i was going to sleep over last night but the parking fees would have been astronomical.

my c-ferns are too big! they have outgrown their 2-liter soda bottles so i'm going to have to repot them in something bigger. but what? alas, this is my current quandary.

mountains and mountains of laundry are finally being dealt with. the aftermath of bonnaroo is still visible.

i have to work tonight. and pack for arizona. i don't know if i'm ready for more of this oppressive heat, but i suppose it's far less humid there than in manchester.

i have a mashup of weird science and good times, bad times floating around in my head. granted a mashup of oingo boingo and led does not exist. weird.

i'm excited for my mom to come home. i don't think she has to go back for another four weeks. and i have no idea what's up with that stem-cell blood transplant. i don't really think anyone knows where we're going after this last chemo session. we shall see.

04:45 p.m. on Wednesday, June 20, 2007:

i totally forgot i signed up for that science ambassador's thing. okay. i guess that means i have a job for next year, which is awesome.

just back from playing 18 with my dad at tashua. we saw olaf, kelsey, matt, chris, and a few other notable people. it was kind of weird. also, bill and lou were slow, and joe and diane sucked. oh well, such is public golf.

bonnaroo was insane and fantastic but there's too much to say to actually type it all down. but i'm going next year if the lineup is any good.

though i broke my phone, so i'm going to buy a new one, maybe this afternoon.

and, i'm...thinking. about something. hoping?

08:47 a.m. on Tuesday, June 12, 2007:

mtv just played feist's 1234. weird.

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY! milo ventimiglia is in fergie's big girls don't cry video! i can't believe fergie is into milo ventimiglia. i guess that doesn't leave much hope for the rest of us.

08:10 a.m. on Tuesday, June 12, 2007:

OH MAN ONE MORE DAY.

12:59 a.m. on Tuesday, June 12, 2007:

trapped by the rain! so yes, i went to starbucks. right before the deluge! i had no idea it was supposed to rain. but rain it did. so i sat contently outside with my book and coffee and read. characters of the hour included: two thirty-year old men who kept asking me random RANDOM questions, a woman and her six-year old dog, who had just received a haircut that afternoon (the dog, not the woman), a group of guys who were unusually polite (they wanted to pull a jeep up and play music but asked first to make sure it wouldn't bother me or my reading-i said it was fine and the kept turning it down to make sure i wasn't annoyed. it was nice) lauren, who knew these guys and proceeded to invite me out to a bar (i politely declined) and jordan bell & company. the latter informing me that cat power and built to spill are playing sometime in july in the city. perhaps perhaps perhaps.

in other news, aurora and i will be tent-setting-upping tomorrow at eleven. and planning. and it will be exciting. we need to get another tent though.

08:13 p.m. on Monday, June 11, 2007:

bonnaroo. two. days. oh man. today i spent the morning/early afternoon at work. ryan's having a baby. george is in jail. never a dull moment at the national. drew and i decided that our children will be named after the american gladiators. and have middle names like danger and warning etc. diesel danger jordan. malibu warning jordan. excellent. we also decided we would never have to worry about obesity in our children, which is pretty good.

today i received a half-pound bag of chocolate from the 8th grade dance people for chaperoning. awesome.

i also bought a memory card for my camera for the upcoming bonnaroo extravaganza. it can hold like, 1300 pictures. the same guy checked me out that was working there when we bought aurora's phone charger. he's still creepy. and tried to sell me a lot of stuff i didn't want and politely declined.

tomorrow aurora and i will practice setting up the tent. and there will be a sleep over involved. right now, i want a cup of coffee and my book.

01:46 p.m. on Wednesday, June 6, 2007:

lots of things. here they are:

bonnaroo is in one week. that is exciting.

the advil i took for my headache was bright orange and probably toxic.

we had four trees cut down this morning. it was exciting and sad at the same time. i kept thinking of fern gully. "can't you feel its pain?" so now we have a pile of dead trees. it's no longer exciting. just sad.

there is no more need to wash the rabbit. i rolled up my pant legs and pushed up my shirt sleeves. i got two towels, a washcloth, the pet shampoo, a brush and scissors. i filled up a bucket with warm water and a watering can with equally warm water. (we only have one bucket, otherwise i would have used another instead of the watering can.) i set up on the back porch in the sun. took of my shoes and set up camp. but this is not the reason aurora no longer needs to help clean lola. she's dead.

so the chemo is not the final treatment for my mother. instead, they are going to do a stem cell transplant. take out all her blood and then grow new. or something like that. pretty scary stuff. but good for getting rid of brain cancer.

yesterday caroline and i attended mrs. nappi's husband's wake. it was weird. caroline and i decided not only that horizontal lines appear shorter to the human eye than vertical lines, but also that the woman over there looks like a hooker and that we don't want wakes. instead, keggers. big parties. none of this sit awkwardly in ugly chairs in ugly rooms with ugly lighting fixtures while our dead bodies lay in a box at the front of the room surrounded by too-fragrant lilies. that's for losers.

i sat out in the sun and painted a little rock white to turn into lola's tombstone. good. it was sunny.

yo, what happened to that gigantic tornado we were supposed to get last night? i mean, it was supposed to rain. a lot. NO RAIN. it was supposed to hail. NO HAIL. and certainly no tornadoes. i woke up this morning freezing because it was like, four degrees outside. but that's the only exciting change in the weather. and it's not that exciting. just cold.

i got an email today. and when i get an email the first line or so shows up in a little pop up bubble. and the line read, "Date: Wed, 06 Jun 2007 07:25:29 -0400. Subject: Fwd: ladies. Message: We are beautiful - aren't we? Hmmmm! Hello, Pretty Lady! THIS..." weirdos. burn them at the stake.

my car is out of gas. and i have no money to fill it because the pumps don't take debit cards. and i don't have enough gas to go to the bank and get money. lame. lame lame. lame.

there was a gun threat today at trumbull high. wow, crappy day. apparently 06-06-07 was supposed to be the next columbine. at 10:23 am. so the school went into lockdown and there was a mass exit and a swatt team and exciting things afoot. no columbine though. just a couple dead trees and a rabbit.

10:03 a.m. on Wednesday, June 6, 2007:

i think maybe i've figured out why i had a headache for four days. no caffeine. for the past couple of days, including today, i woke up with a headache. and i don't normally get headaches. so i've been taking bucketloads of advil, yet my head still hurts. and i think it's because i haven't had as much coffee as i normally do. ho hum. ALSO. i have it in writing. or html. whatever. aurora has volunteered to help wash lola. a very prompt response. coolio. and A FIVE PERSON TENT?! HOLY BONNAROO, BATMAN! this is going to be awesome.

09:55 a.m. on Wednesday, June 6, 2007:

getting geared up for bonnaroo. i still can't believe we're actually going. we've got a week from today to go and i'm bouncing off the walls with excitement. i really hope we bring everything. and nothing goes wrong. AND today i woke up at seven to the sound of my poor trees being cut down. WHYYYYY? sad stuff. speaking of stuff...i need to wash my rabbit. paw paw. not in the mood.

08:06 a.m. on Monday, June 4, 2007:

the cat in the picture for the ethiopia adoption article on the NYT website looks like a beast. when you open up the article it doesn't look as big, but looking at it from the main page it looks like it can eat a small village.

10:32 p.m. on Thursday, May 31, 2007:

i forgot some other exciting things:

today i bought a golf bag. know why? because yesterday i bought golf clubs!!!! a nike ignite iron set (awesome. they're black. sweet. s-6 plus a 5 and 6 hybrid. though i really wanted just a 5-iron, the set was too cool to pass up simply because they had turned it into a hybrid). a 19 degree rescue, a ping g5 driver, and an odyssey 2-ball. so today i got a bag (minus the hug.) a towel, a dozen pearls, and a glove. awesome

exciting things on the music front:
the intro to they might be giant's "don't let's start" has the same guitar lick as mary's danish "don't crash the car tonight." at the beginning. first of all, they both start with the word "don't". weird. but seriously listen to them. THEY ARE THE SAME I TELL YOU! TMBG "don't let's start" was written in 1986. and the music was written before the words. which is why the lyrics in the song don't really make sense but still fit the music well. MD "don't crash the car tonight" was written in 1989. i swear they stole that opening guitar.

i had never actually listened to night ripper (girl talk) in track order. so i hadn't realized the songs flowed into one another until this morning when i noticed that one song kind of sounded like the end of another. i feel kind of stupid. because it's obvious now.

i want to learn the words to technologic. seriously. it's like a really hardcore version of "harder better faster stronger" except three thousand times harder to remember.

annie's "heartbeat" has been stuck in my head all day. better than yesterday which was the beatle's obscure "savoury truffle" and late last night when "which is the properest day to sing" a really lame/incredibly annoying song these ladies sang at church a couple weeks ago.

i know it's early, but i have a big couple of days coming up with some forced early morning risings. so i shall go to bed.

i still need to repot my cferns. they look sad.

10:22 p.m. on Thursday, May 31, 2007:

exciting things are afoot! tomorrow morning i will be in the hilcrest middle school parking lot bright and early at six in the morning. then i shall spend the day at lake compounce. coolio. caroline is coming home tomorrow, too. from itlay. though she won't be home until tomorrow night. i organized today. i cleaned out both dressers. and reorganized my closet entirely. and separated out my winter clothes from my summer clothes. and bought bins from target to put them in, which i did later in the afternoon. this evening my mother insisted we (mom, dad, child) go out to red lobster for dinner. which was cool, except i had eaten dinner less than an hour before she suggested the idea/we left. also the fact that i don't eat seafood kind of limits the menu. and it smells like fish there. though my dad and i had a good time captioning lobster relations in the tank in the lobby. people looked at us like we were crazy. the lobsters were fighting--well, you know, face-off-ing for the alpha-male of the tank position. but it looked like they were dancing! waltzing! so their actions really did merit us singing "i had the time of my life" from dirty dancing. really. i promise. and i had a thirty minute phone conversation with amanda today. which was fantastic as always. man do i miss my friends from schoolio.

12:08 a.m. on Thursday, May 31, 2007:

i know- i've fallen off the edge of the blog-o-sphere. eventually i'll get back on the bandwagon. here's a quick evening (late evening) update perhaps to inspire me to get back into my normal routine:

today i bought an entire new set of clubs. nike irons. that are incredibly sweet. ping g5 driver. also incredibly sweet. a rescue hybrid and an odyssey 2-ball putter. aaawwwesome. tomorrow i'll stop by brownson to get a bag and target to get some storage bins (the latter trip is unrelated to golf. i just need some bins.)

tonight i went out with scott and his family to a restaurant in fairfield. it was good and i am super full.

i got my grades back and i did really well. which i'm super happy about because lord knows i worked my ass of second semester. i barely got out of the dorm.

a silverfish (bonus points for me!!: lepisma saccharina. oh yes. ooohhh yes. at least, i think that's right.) just crawled on my wall. ew. well, better than those house centipedes at school i suppose.

i am going to bonnaroo. did i mention that? well i'm going with aurora and wendy. and I'M SO EXCITED.

caroline comes home from italy on friday. i also have to chaperon my mom's middle-school trip to lace compounce on friday. and i have to be at the middle school at six am. bah humbug.

i WILL get around to doing my laundry. i promise.

i need to sleep. and repot my c-ferns.

should i kill this silverfish? i'm afraid it's going to crawl on me while i'm sleeping. and as much as i like bugs, that is not cool. so i just looked it up on wiki and yes, that is the latin name for silverfish. cool. and! it says they can live an entire year without eating. gross. i think i'm going to kill it. i shall read on...it says i can kill it with acid, by freezing it, or trapping it in a jar. i think i'll smash it. and maybe then freeze it. put it in an ice cube or something to freak out my mom. that would be awesome. okay. i need to go silverfish hunting. goodnight.

01:01 p.m. on Saturday, May 26, 2007:

i am angry. did you even know that in april, fourteen anti-war protesters were arrested in a senate office building after unfurling two banners. one said, "your silence your legacy" and the other was article two section four, "the president, vice president and all civil officers of the united states shall be removed from office on impeachment for, and conviction of treason, bribery or other high crimes and misdemeanors." AND THEY WERE ARRESTED. ARRESTED!! for making a banner of an article in the constitution. i can not even begin to express how disgusting that is and how i have now completely lost my respect for this government. wow. wow wow wow. here's the article where you can find what the banners look like: here.

11:12 a.m. on Wednesday, May 23, 2007:

so big time sensuality just came on. and do you know what i realized? it has lyrics. that sounds silly. but compare it to almost every song on volta. they all have like, one or two repeating lines. three if she was feeling crazy and creative. that's why volta sucks. because all her other songs have actual lyrics. aha!

06:14 p.m. on Tuesday, May 22, 2007:

flipping channels this morning while i ate breakfast lead me to MTVhits. you know that channel up in the hundreds that only plays videos? i can't decide if i was disturbed. it started off with the kooks' naive. (the lily allen version is awesome by the way). which was cool. but then they played the shins' australia. and i couldn't decide if it was cool that the rest of the world was discovering good music and that was good or if it freaked me out that MTV was playing the kooks and the shins. it got worse. three words: shiny toy guns. i was irritated. they kind of sold out. what's with the girl? and why do they now sound like every other crappy band out there? and why are they on MTVhits? i think this is the death of a giant. i almost fell off my chair next: björk. WHEN DID MTV START PLAYING BJÖRK?! i mean, she did just put out volta. so playing earth intruders isn't THAT crazy. but really, it's not a great song. and the video is also kind of lame. i feel like she's given up. it sounds great, of course it does, but "we are the earth intruders" is kind of a lame line. especially when it is the chorus. and yelling "TURMOIL! CARNAGE!" isn't terribly creative. sorry björk, i've got to give you a thumbs down on that one. and then! MTV has the audacity to play Rodrigo y Gabriela. a song with no lyrics? just a two musicians jamming on acoustic guitars? wow, this is not the mtv i used to know. i had to turn it off when they put on bloc party. i think my head was about to explode. now, question of the day: should i be weirded out and confused or happy that mtv has matured into some good music?

02:14 p.m. on Tuesday, May 22, 2007:

my tickets have been purchased!!!!!!!!!

09:50 a.m. on Tuesday, May 22, 2007:

i thought i was all done with school worries. but last night i had a dream that i got my grades back, well, they were mailed to my mom, and they were less than ideal. which reminds me, i must buy a ticket to bonnaroo and a physics book. these things are important. preferably i can buy the one we need for the class and that way i'll have familiarized myself with it before the school year. today i need to:

get out of bed.
eat something healthy for a change.
drop stuff off at goodwill.
do laundry. lots and lots of laundry.
continue unpacking.

ugh. i don't want to get out of bed.

07:45 a.m. on Monday, May 21, 2007:

ugh. i have to go to work this morning. meaning, i had to wake up before eight. seeing as my shift starts at eight. i swear satan had to do something with this. or those german acrobats...

09:47 p.m. on Saturday, May 19, 2007:

i have a serious stomach ache. but anyways--shrek was good. so funny! there are some parts (snow white singing bit) that were hysterical.

as a side note, i am really tired. not in the normal sense. i don't really want to elaborate. want a clue? lily von schtupp. is your clue.

02:16 p.m. on Saturday, May 19, 2007:

shiny toy guns. rainy monday.
the only think that's keeping me going today.

12:41 p.m. on Saturday, May 19, 2007:

solution to last post, in order: listen to "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan (it always puts me in a good mood) go to the bathroom. nyt style magazine! (it is here. and it shall be good. although the dolce & gabbana ad on the first spread is kind of...vulgar. perhaps i think so because i don't really like over-tanned, dirty, greasy looking men in tight white speedos. personal preference, you know?). take a shower. clean room. drive around the block (releases steam). find aurora. find nate.

12:26 p.m. on Saturday, May 19, 2007:

i am. that wasn't meant to be the end of the sentence. i just wasn't sure how to end it. confused perhaps. unsure? stressed. i miss my friends from school. and i want aurora to be home. and i need to take a shower. and i need nate to text me back so i know he hasn't died or left fairfield. and i want more time to think about this. i mean, how can someone be so sure of something like that? i don't think i've ever been that certain in my life. i miss school. like, homework. it keeps my mind off these things. i guess i want to go back to work too. i can't imagine spending an entire summer like this.

02:35 p.m. on Friday, May 18, 2007:

also, why is it the american president's job to officially pick the president of the world bank? i understand the president of the world bank has always been an american. but still. i don't know. i find that weird.

02:25 p.m. on Friday, May 18, 2007:

it's kind of a connecticut day. it's wet, making everything look much lusher than it really is. or perhaps everything is really this lush and we are only allowed to see it at times like this. it looks nice. but alas, i am the only one home. and portishead's glorybox is making me sleepy. so with a cup of tea at my side i shall wait for brolley to come and say hello.

the sixth grade concert last night was pretty fun. meaning lame. something about the four hundred million membered chorus creeped me out. so many small children. singing in such small voices. it was like a horror movie.

and, i shall attempt to outdo my eight dollar budget for prom last year. this year's fairfield prep prom will be attended without me spendingany money. i think i've got a little black dress. and some shoes somewhere. and perhaps i'll brush my hair? but only if i'm feeling fancy.

i start work on monday, that should be fun. money is nice to have, even if i'm not going to spend it on proms.

there are four cars in the driveway, but i am the only one home. my mom is at school, my dad is off playing golf. or cards. and both grandmothers are lunching together. caroline is of course, at school. lonely lonely that is me.

01:34 p.m. on Friday, May 18, 2007:

only twenty six days, twenty two hours and twenty four minutes separate me from:

the police, the white stripes, ben harper and the innocent criminals, wilco, the flaming lips, franz ferdinand, damien rice, ween, ziggy marley, the decemberists, the roots, kings of leon, regina spektor, dj shadow, spoon, lily allen, fountains of wayne, feist, hot chip, pete yorn, girl talk, AND SO MUCH MORE!

the best concert of all time.

11:20 p.m. on Wednesday, May 16, 2007:

i know it's a bit premature, seeing as it's only eleven twenty, but i'm tired and want to go to bed. so happy birthday caroline! seeing as you're not home, but rather in massachusetts. and then off to italy. never to be seen again...until june.

10:56 p.m. on Wednesday, May 16, 2007:

is anyone else watching the suns/spurs game? the crowd is going crazy. everytime san antonio gets the ball the crowd is booing. if steve nash even touches the ball they're on their feet clapping and cheering. if you don't pay any attention whatsoever to basketball, robert horry from the spurs basically body-checked nash into the scoring table during the last game... day before yesterday. and there's this rule in basketball that if there's a fight or something similar on the court and your on the bench, if you get up and go to the fight area, you're automatically suspended. so obviously, after nash got leveled by horry in the fourth quarter, two of his teammates got up to see what was going on. they are, thus, now suspended. as is horry. so seeing as the suns lost the first game which they played at home (and thus could not win with a home court advantage), a bunch of people think that now they've got no shot because they're playing tonight, at home, without their second best player and another key player. it's a mess. ANYWAY. the crowd is fired up. and it's kind of scary. i'd hate to be on san antonio right now.

09:43 p.m. on Wednesday, May 16, 2007:

i just got home from the hospital. while i was there i realized something: i haven't seen a single person since i've been home. when did i get home? the tenth. right, and i haven't left the house since caroline left except to go to the hospital. my mom fell asleep this time while my dad and i played gin and recited quotes from blazing saddles. staring out our ninth floor window i thought, wow, i'm really here. i've really spent the first part of my summer vacation, home from my first year of college, at yale-new haven hospital. and today, my mom did not feel good. she felt awful in fact. we all went down to the cafeteria for some tea and she had to leave immediately because she felt so nauseous. my dad suggested we walk around for awhile, but we had to go back to the room because she felt so bad. the whole way back she cried. and then once we were in the room she fell asleep. i know this sounds stupid, but i guess going to YNH hospital is a huge part of my life. most people don't need to drive twenty minutes to see their mom. i've never thought of it that way. this is a sad way to live.

04:31 p.m. on Wednesday, May 16, 2007:

and not just any summer shower, from weather.com:
At 4:15pm EDT, National Weather Service Doppler Radar indicated a line of severe thunderstorms capable of producing nickel size hail...and destructive winds in excess of 70MPH. These storms were located along a like extending from Newtown to Shelton to Trumbull...and moving east at 50MPH. The Line of severe thunderstorms with otherwise remain over mainly rural areas of the indicated county.
A tornado watch remains in effect for the warned area. If a tornado is spotted...act quickly and move to a place of safety in a sturdy structure...such as a basement or small interior room.
In addition to large hail and damaging winds...continuous cloud to ground lightning is occurring with this storm. Move indoors immediately! Lightning is one of nature's number one killers. Remember...if you can hear thunder...you are close enough to be struck by lightning.

cool. i'm going to sit on the porch, eat watermelon and watch for tornadoes.

04:11 p.m. on Wednesday, May 16, 2007:

if anyone was curious, two hours ago i said, "i think it's going to rain. it feels like it's going to rain." and my dad looked up at the sky, which was bright blue and sunny and happy and said, "no way, take a look at the sky! it doesn't look like it will rain for weeks!" and now i would like everyone to turn and look out their window. the sky is now black. it is thundering. and that rain smell--petrichor if you will, is here. ah, but this will make the drive to new haven slightly more treacherous. such is life.

01:57 p.m. on Wednesday, May 16, 2007:

in other news, i've decided to spend the afternoon finding wicked cool remixes and crazy music on the interweb. so far, i've got an incredible eighteen-minute "mixed-tape" called "disco mix for sarah" which is the best mash-up mix i've ever heard. also found today: a portuguese version of smells like teen spirit which sounds startlingly similar to the real one and a dance remix of paul mccartney's coming up. groovelicious.

01:36 p.m. on Wednesday, May 16, 2007:

my mood is torn. i'm not quite sure whether or not i'm in a great mood or a sour one. the factors contributing to the good mood are obvious--it's summer, i have no work to do, i can drive, its sunny and warm. the bad sprung up this morning. i was making a sandwich in the kitchen when i heard my dad in the basement talking on the phone (he works in the basement), "yeah, i'm not quite sure what i'll do if jen doesn't make it through this." he then said that if my mom did die in the next couple of months, he'd stay at home until we graduate from college and then sell everything and move to florida or bermuda or nevada. we're good kids, so we don't really need the stable home base as others might. imagine your father saying that. imagine stumbling into your kitchen only to realize just how possible it is that your mom is going to die and that your dad is thinking of a life without her. i know that sounds extreme. but do does brain cancer. i really hope my dad doesn't move to nevada.

11:02 a.m. on Tuesday, May 15, 2007:

it's about time. man. MANNNN!!! i am so excited.

i need to clean my room.

07:42 p.m. on Sunday, May 13, 2007:

seriously? really? oh man i feel awful. one bogie on nine and then a QUADRUPLE on seventeen? two balls in the water will do that. i would feel bad if i were his caddy. EVERYONE knew that nine was too much club. i think he was just nervous. and then the second. did he even down shift to a pitching wedge? i don't know, but man that one went in too. and he missed that put on eighteen to drop out of the top ten. those were some expensive holes for him. god that sucks.

12:35 p.m. on Sunday, May 13, 2007:

look what aurora's done to me! now i am forced to mention another silly bicen moment: Locke expresses the rights given to one in a state of nature as life, liberty and property. Thomas Jefferson amends this list with the pursuit of happiness while composing the Declaration of Independence. In order to protect these rights, governments were instituted. Citizens of these governments gave their consent through social contracts. Agreeing that they would sacrifice some rights for the protection of the government. In order to prevent the governemnetgasdg from going sour, voting happened. Thus, inorder to keep the government people in check, voting. So, yeah, the voting is not a natural right, but it’s important. Period.

07:41 p.m. on Wednesday, May 9, 2007:

i'm done with finals. WHHHATTTTT? incredible. absolutely. bio was dissapointing. oh, i got an A for sure, but the test was awful. and it only took an hour. it could have been so much longer and in depth. he asked a lot of "give three examples" but we had only learned two. and "if sam wanted to see king kong fight dinosaurs in the zoo, what would you tell him?" so i finished the final at about ten this morning and fell asleep at about eleven. and now it's almost eight. and i've just slept all day. oh to be a college student. i'm going home tomorrow! oh man, i need to finish packing. and maybe get out of bed.

11:15 p.m. on Monday, May 7, 2007:

when i say, "freeze," you just freeze one time. when i say, "freeze," y'all stop on a dime.

so some guy just delivered seven pizzas and a bunch of two-liter sodas to the lounge. and didn't ask for money. and left. so, noah and i called everyone out and we ate it. kind of weird. i guess.

i have a calc final tomorrow. i haven't studied for it. i spent all morning outlining the semester. i condensed an entire binder of notes on three pages. well, if you count front and backs separately it's five pages. impressive, no? problem is, that's really all i've done to prepare. i did two bonus projects that are due tomorrow. and i actually did put effort into them. but study wise i'm in trouble. i also have another article due that i need to finish tonight. argh.

if y'all wanna party like we do. if y'all wanna party like us...

06:03 p.m. on Saturday, May 5, 2007:

every time i look at the digital clock and the time is 2:22 or 5:55 i make a wish. even though i am told wishes only come true, or are allowed at all, when it is 11:11. i just looked up, and it said 1:11. make a wish. but alas, it was not the clock but rather the time left on my computer battery. i shall make a wish anyway, ere i miss a chance for a wish simply because i was told something wasn't possible.

12:08 p.m. on Saturday, May 5, 2007:

oh yeah, and that chem test? FOUR HOURS LONG. and hard as hell. why did we have a four hour long test? it wasn't a final. OH MAN is this the whale song? no. it's the knife. still life. kind of similar i guess. the whale song is an hour long track of whale noises. a favorite amongst the wilmarth clan. the knife is an electronic indie duo from sweden.

12:07 p.m. on Saturday, May 5, 2007:

today is cinco de mayo. that's cool i guess. now i have to write a killer paper from outer space. about the phallus.

08:15 a.m. on Friday, May 4, 2007:

i spent about five hours in the library yesterday studying for my chem exam today. too bad the test is on electrochemistry--the kind which i know nothing about. great. so i've outlined the 50-page long chapter (which, for you non-science people is a ridiculously long chapter) and reviewed my notes from that outline. i still need to look over the problems in the book and study my class notes on water and sewage treatment. my exam is at eleven. i think i'll be alright. then i need to jump on it and write this research paper that's technically due today, but i got an extension so it isn't due until sunday. but my english teacher says that the papers coming in are excellent, so getting an A will be difficult. and i want an A. and i have to write this article. and i have to study for finals. and i know i'm almost done but i feel like this work is never ending. whatever, i need breakfast. and coffee. and then i'll get back to work.

ps. my right eye has been burning for two days now. i don't think that's very good.

09:04 p.m. on Tuesday, May 1, 2007:

GG: oh man was i bawling. the karaoke bit? a flood of tears. oh man. oh man. i need to do my homework. but gg. oh man. what will she say? to logan i mean? i can't wait another week!

05:17 p.m. on Tuesday, May 1, 2007:

i have had a headache all day. perhaps as a result of being lied to. because that could have done it. oh well, you blew it.

i'm exhausted. i'm not quite sure if that's because i haven't been getting enough sleep (despite the fact that I went to bed at 10:00 last night. i know. crazy.) or if it's because i'm really ready to go home or if it's because the amount of work i have due in the next week is so great, that my body has decided it would be better to sleep for seven days and suffer the consequences rather than actually getting all of this work done.

i can handle the work. i've been handling the work all my life. but having to deal with people is not going to be fun. (i guess i'm kind of pulling an aurora here. saying 'people' meaning one specific person. but i guess i feel better that way.) tonight. tonight i need to say something. tonight i will probably end up really upset. and tonight i'm probably going to go crazy. oh well, at least i already have my outfit picked out for tomorrow's presentation. that's one thing i can cross of the list.

oh, i, i will survive (transcribe?). the secondary lyrics apply better for the next line: as long as i have ATP i know i'll stay alive.

03:45 p.m. on Monday, April 30, 2007:

this is making me nervous. this is not good. this terrifying. but i just can't work myself up to go get this all sorted out. so i guess i'll have to wait it out. and hopefully by the time i'm home things will have resolved themselves. if not...well, i'm not quite sure what i'll do, but i guess i'll just have to deal with it.

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO MATH. hrumph.

03:28 p.m. on Monday, April 30, 2007:

do you want to see my c ferns? OF COURSE YOU DO!



do you want to know what it is in my dorm's lounge that makes it clear finals are coming? OF COURSE YOU DO!



do you want to see the AWESOME bug that crawled through the lounge this morning scaring the shit out of Wendy? OF COURSE YOU DO!



cool, eh?

04:53 p.m. on Sunday, April 29, 2007:

L'atermoyer. ceci est absurde. je suis non seulement ne faisant pas mes devoirs et plutôt blogging(?), mais je fais cela plus long en le faiant en français. chouette. J'ai besoin de faire ma présentation de chimie et un laboratoire de bio et un essai anglais. ugh.

je me demande si cela était cohérent.

04:15 p.m. on Sunday, April 29, 2007:

the vending machine is out of water and blue poweraide. hideous. alas, today is one disappointment after another. and they are cumulative. aha! and yet another insect buzzing around my head: some boy just turned on the television in the lounge (very loudly, i might add) and is watching hockey with what is presumably his girlfriend. it's awfully romantic, huh? and awfully irritating. where are the people who operate with common courtesy? where are the gentlemen who ask first? where are the girls that don't look like they dance in burlesque shows for a living? i can't wait to come home. granted, the burlesque dancers are there too, but much more avoidable. and caroline is home soon. and i miss her so very much. regardless, i suppose i am content as of this moment. we shall see how the rest of the afternoon develops. yet the future does not appear to hold good things.

11:06 a.m. on Sunday, April 29, 2007:

five hundred and fifty two words later, i'm done with this article.

09:54 a.m. on Sunday, April 29, 2007:

getting SO distracted. looking up silly things online. still no sleep. did you know that the Detroit Tigers pitcher Joel Zumaya missed games in last year's playoffs because of pain from playing too much Guitar Hero? well, he did. fun fact to tell your friends. both your jock friends and guitar hero friends. which covers about everyone you know. i need to finish this article. i need to. sleep.

08:24 a.m. on Sunday, April 29, 2007:

so for some reason, i stayed up all night working. no sleep. i just plowed through this article i had to write for the theater. problem is, i haven't written anything like that since high school. and i haven't written anything in english (as in the class, not the language.) in a ridiculously long time. so my ability to form coherent, well thought-out sentences has...dissolved. so it's eight thirty. and i've written like...four hundred words. and it took all night. what the hell? granted, i saw this show like, two months ago, so i had no idea where to start. nor did i really remember the show. so it took a long time to find my notes from the show and remember the plot and remember english. but it seriously shouldn't be taking this long. this is the worst case of writer's block i've ever had. no sleep for me today, though. i have so much work to do, i wish i had this article finished already so i could get started on the ridiculous amount of class work i have. i'm hoping to get through today and tonight without sleeping and coast through classes on monday and then crash at about two thirty until noon the next day when i have to go to calc (of all things!). then i have to seriously work on a chemistry presentation for the academic festival. the good news out of all of this is that i'm only a few days away from completing all of my classwork and only a week and a half away from trumbull and the conclusion of my first week as a college freshman. (or first-year, however you would like) COOL! i need this article to be 600 words though. so i guess i could keep plugging away and hopefully i can get it done within this century.

02:37 a.m. on Sunday, April 29, 2007:

i just searched the thesaurous for "simple" and one of the entries it gave me was "fruit with one ovary" HAHAAHAHA

03:25 p.m. on Tuesday, April 24, 2007:

hot hot heat

01:13 p.m. on Monday, April 23, 2007:

yet another great thing said in bio today by my professor:
" so, if I drank a fifth of vodka, was blindfolded and spun around…"

01:28 p.m. on Sunday, April 22, 2007:

It’s a delicate spring day. Balmy winds sliding around the second you step outside. It’s warm but not too warm…gently warm, perhaps—although I’m sitting in the shade. It smells like spring: clean and bright with the occasional heavy floral fragrance rolling by. Despite the almost laughable amount of work I have, I’m feeling at ease. It’s nice to be working outside, listening to birds instead of music. Although, I would much rather have this towel to myself than share it with my chemistry book. Although currently my scientific inspiration is slumbering, I hope to get a lot of work done today. But alas! It is already one thirty. Awake academic mind set! And finish my homework!

11:15 a.m. on Sunday, April 22, 2007:

so despite the obvious failures this weekend, we actually wound up having a good time. not only did i miss flaming lips and yo la tengo, but also soft and of montreal yesterday. the constant sunshine, days spent sitting on brown bedsheets on the green, older siblings, quarters, that slight hint of pink sitting on the tops of my shoulders and unforced early-morning risings have made this weekend one of the best all year. Perhaps my engorged social calendar of late is easing my concerns of leaving in a couple weeks, but that part of my college-related anxiety is not melting away. I wish i could say that i feel a little calmer about my fleeting school year and approaching summer, but i dont mind managing this incredible workload. i want to say here.

11:14 a.m. on Sunday, April 22, 2007:


AHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAAHA!

01:11 p.m. on Friday, April 20, 2007:

once again i'm in bio and must report something stupid:we’re talking about environmental pressures and how it affects the shape of fish. One of the kids in the front just asked, “so…in a stream…do fish ever turn around?”

09:18 p.m. on Thursday, April 19, 2007:

OH MAN! my english class been cancelled for tomorrow which means i don't have to read a book for tomorrow. AND my discussion isn't due until MONDAY!!!!! which means i have NO HOMEWORK TONIGHT!!!!!!!!! my life is complete. really. complete. thatssssssss awesome.

08:35 a.m. on Thursday, April 19, 2007:

i've finished my bio lab! it's perfect. well, as good as it's going to get anyway. i'm off to get COFFEE and go to class. today i have eight hours of class. and i have a quiz today which i:
A) haven't studied for
B) have no time to study for
C) don't want to study for.
today i must do laundry, clean my room, call my mother and die*. whatever. i'm feeling...like a slime mold. i guess showering should also be put on the list. haha. that's gross. i'm glad i'm not a slime mold.

(*note: dying is not actually in my plan for the day.)

03:12 a.m. on Thursday, April 19, 2007:

things wrong with this picture:

it's three in the morning and i am awake
my bio lab is ALMOST but not completely done
a campus security guard is telling me about religion and just said that, "i need to have faith."

the HC from the third floor is talking about potty-training

it is three in the morning and i am awake

i have eight hours of class tomorrow

i have yet to do my laundry and have no clothes. at all. that are clean.

I HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK!
why wont campus safety talking about his children and religion. i don't care. i want to finish my lab and sleep. and go to the bathroom. AAAAHHH.
it's three fourteen in the morning and the first thing i thought of when i saw that was pi. lame
AHHHHHHHHH. GIVE ME SLEEP OR GIVE ME DEATH OR AN A ON MY FUNGUS LAB!

12:37 p.m. on Wednesday, April 18, 2007:

So I’m in bio lab and my professor just said, “and that’s why we need to send a spaceship to the bottom of the ocean.”
well, that would be a submarine.

09:59 a.m. on Wednesday, April 18, 2007:

OMG WE GOT A SUITE!!

will explain after class. but OH MAN!!!!!!!!! first floor mcclellan! which is getting redone over the summer and will be a PALACE! and we are on the end so we have our own access door. and we're looking over wieking green. OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT A SUITE. laura, mariel, ari, sarah, amanda, me! THIS IS SO AWESOME!!!

12:07 a.m. on Wednesday, April 18, 2007:

you know when you get really tired and you start blinking a lot and your contacts start making that squishy noise every time you glance at something new or blink? well, that's happening right now. and my eyes are super tired. and i'm running on reserve power. mentally, physically and laptop-wise. yet again. the question is: stay up, get ahead, feel crappy tomorrow OR go to sleep, stay behind and feel only slightly crappy tomorrow. hmmm. well, i think the only way i can answer this question is with another question: how do you catch a unique rabbit?

will and his fungus book=incredible. absolutely life saving. which reminds me to check to see if i have any nyquil. or dayquil. or delsyum. will is sick. i am not. not. not. not. thank goodness for that. not thank goodness that will's sick! oh no! not what i meant at all. LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT! i need to go to sleep. i'll read thirty more pages and then hit the hay. as they say. though i'm not quite sure who "they" is. other silly expressions related to going to sleep: crash, hit the sack, kip down, sack out, turn in... a bizarre action i suppose. i was talking to sarah about sleep this morning. because for some reason the first thing out of my mouth this morning was, "sleep is weird." she told me that sleep was the only thing humans can't control. i.e. we can not eat and then we die. but we can't not sleep. eventually we will fall asleep. cool. i have one minute of battery left. i'm going to go read. and sleep.

11:54 p.m. on Tuesday, April 17, 2007:

sarah had a really bad experience giving blood today. after ther had taken out the needle her body seized up for almost half an hour and she started to hyperventilate. that scares me. more than i would have thought it would. she's already gone to bed, which is a good thing.

i tried calling my mom three times today and she didn't pick up. nor has she contacted me since. that makes me really nervous

tomorrow is room selection so laura and i will be up at the crack of dawn (ie need to get there at nine) in an attempt to secure a sweet for me, her, sarah, amanda, ari and mariel. hopefully hopefully everything will work out.

there's debate of the chem trip being postponed until this weekend. which CAN'T happen. because then i definitely can't go to ylt and fl and brown and aurora!!! so i'm praying our teacher thinks the weather this week will be suitable.

jostens does the yearbook here. i got a kick out of that. i hadn't thought about jostens in awhile. i really want to go back to gettysburg.

so. much. homework.

04:48 p.m. on Tuesday, April 17, 2007:

i just got the sudden urge to delete my entire itunes library. perhaps i won't. but it's definitely time for some spring cleaning.

08:03 p.m. on Monday, April 16, 2007:

i hate when my internet connection isn't strong enough to use stumbleupon. because i'm bored. and now sleepy because i have nothing to occupy my mind. other than a detailed water study of lake lonely. which i really don't want to deal with right now.

so it turns out that my mom only has brain cancer. nothing in her stomach or liver or hips etc. hurray! (that's a pretty big hurray, mind you. give it the emphasis it deserves) is it too late to take a nap? i have a lot of things on my mind. i have yet to talk to mariel. although, i spoke with amanda today and she always makes me feel better. another hurray (not quite so important as the first)

today, the orgo chem professor came up to me while i was once again stealing food from the chemistry refrigerator to ask me what my rain boots were made out of and if they were made out of some ridiculously long name for some type of plastic-y stuff because he needed to find something made out of super-long-named-plastic-stuff for some experiment he was doing. he then proceeded to take a boot off my foot to check if it mentioned anything about being recyclable. this school is funny. peculiar. and a little haha, i suppose.

i met new people today! i had lunch with a bunch of sophomores. randomly. and it was cool. one of them has the same haircut as my friend noah so i was kind of weirded out because i kept seeing the top of his head and thinking it was noah. but it wasn't.

jess jarboe came up and i met with her and her father and answered questions they had about skidmore. it made me feel...collegiate. and pretty grown-up. which is a really fun and exciting feeling to get. cool. anyways, i'm going to pass out in the lounge and maybe do some homework. maybe.

03:20 p.m. on Monday, April 16, 2007:

did you hear about the shooting in virginia? twenty-two dead already. the worst campus attack in American history. two shooting scenes, one in a freshman dorm and one in an engineering building. high capacity weapon - not quite sure what it was exactly. the shooting starting at seven fifteen this morning and by ten fifteen they realized there were two different shooting sights. they told the kids to stay locked in their rooms. i think now they've found up to thirty three bodies. four kids in surgery. twenty plus people in hospitals.

07:46 a.m. on Monday, April 16, 2007:

the weather is still disgusting. and it's early. i'm registering for classes this morning and my timeslot opens at eight. i've got all my classes in order but a few of them only have four spots left and if any of these classes don't work out them i'm screwed because i don't have a backup schedule because nothing really works out with the classes i want to take except for this schedule. ugh. we'll see how it goes. i have an english presentation today but i really don't want to do it. i read the story though, so that's a good thing.

10:32 p.m. on Sunday, April 15, 2007:

did i mention that dar williams was at skidmore yesterday? because i should have. because she was incredible!!!!!!! and then we had the fashion show which was actually pretty lame. and then we had facebook: the musical which was actually pretty AWESOME. and then we had sleep. which was well deserved. today i saw stomp the yard. it was... pretty lame as well. tomorrow i have an english presentation on a story i haven't read. oops. and the weather is foul. i hope school is canceled tomorrow. but there's no real chance of that. jess jarboe is coming up tomorrow to check out skidmore so i get to meet with her. and that will be cool. i want to eat the grapefruit next to me but alas i have know knife sharp enough to cut into it. perhaps another day. but i want it NOW. i need to read this story. but i'm exhausted. and i really want to sleep.

02:38 p.m. on Saturday, April 14, 2007:

caroline laughed at me when i told her that mariel had said something that made me upset. she told me to be the annoyingly wide-eyed girl that i oft times am and tell her that it hurt me. and then give her half of a tuna fish sandwich to ensure our friendship was still intact. (despite the lack of celery.) is it bad that this reminds me of michael jackson's "wanna be starting something"?

You love to pretend that you're good
When you're always up to no good
You really can't make him hate her
So your tongue became a razor
Someone's always tryin' to keep my baby cryin'
Treacherous, cunnin', declinin'
You got my baby cryin'

I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
You got to be startin' somethin'
I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
You got to be startin' somethin'
It's too high to get over (yeah, yeah)
Too low to get under (yeah, yeah)
You're stuck in the middle (yeah, yeah)
And the pain is thunder (yeah, yeah)
It's too high to get over (yeah, yeah)
Too low to get under (yeah, yeah)
You're stuck in the middle (yeah, yeah)
And the pain is thunder (yeah, yeah)
You're a vegetable, you're a vegetable
Still they hate you, you're a vegetable
You're just a buffet, you're a vegetable
They eat off of you, you're a vegetable

Billie Jean is always talkin'
When nobody else is talkin'
Tellin' lies and rubbin' shoulders
So they called her mouth a motor
Someone's always tryin' to start my baby cryin'
Talkin', squealin', spyin'
Sayin' you just wanna be startin' somethin'

see? mj understands. as always.

11:44 p.m. on Wednesday, April 11, 2007:

i can't believe kurt vonnegut died. i thought he was immortal.

07:19 p.m. on Wednesday, April 11, 2007:

the new apparat album is AMESOME! i know i know, you're thinking, "but gracie! walls doesn't come out until may 15th!" haha! but you've forgotten: i am really really awesome. so already have it. and it is likewise really really awesome. the new hotchip album is also sweet. you know what else is sweet? this. not only because it's daft punk. but because it's also the old school charleston. and what could be better? nothing.

this is also awesome. be patient, wait a few minutes into it because it actually starts making music. awesome.
"but, gracie!" you ask, "what is it?"
well, the reactable hardware is based on a translucent round table. a video camera situated beneath, continuously analyzes the table surface, tracking the nature, position and orientation of the objects that are distributed on its surface, representing the components of a classic modular synthesizer. these objects are passive without any sensors or actuators, users interact by moving them, changing their position, their orientation or their faces (in the case of volumetric objects). these actions directly control the topological structure and parameters of the sound synthesizer. a projector, also from underneath the table, draws dynamic animations on its surface, providing a visual feedback of the state, the activity and the main characteristics of the sounds produced by the audio synthesizer.
"wicked," you reply.
"i know," i answer. speaking of things wicked, wicked. i know. i'm incredibly productive. the word productive reminds me of the word "product." and as we're on the subject of all things wicked AND products, check this out. it's a chair made out of slinky. cool.

11:01 p.m. on Tuesday, April 10, 2007:

this is what i know about it.

02:44 p.m. on Monday, April 9, 2007:

i got an email from my dad today about my mom. instead of paraphrasing it i'm just going to stick it below. this is really all we know. and it's pretty damn scary:

I'm feeling very sad about Mom.
I know she spoke with you this weekend about her condition. As you know, the cancer has returned.
That's about all we really know right now. We saw the MRI, which was taken a week ago, and it showed a number of little spots in her brain that weren't there 3 months ago. She'll need to have some tests done this week; spinal MRI, spinal fluid tap, CT scans of chest and abdomen, but the doctor is sure that the new spots are lymphoma. She'll go into the hospital next Monday and will begin a similar treatment regimen as before. Chemo-therapy every other Monday with a hospital stay until Thursday. We don't know how long this will last. At least 2 - 3 months. The doctor is evaluating using a couple of other drugs in addition to the primary one and is also confering with the Hematology department about some sort of stem cell trasfer using her own blood stem cells. I don't know much about this treatment and we don't know yet whether or not she is a viable candidate for this.

She isn't really exhibiting any symptoms like she was two years ago. She mentioned yesterday that it seemed that her left hand was asleep and she seems to be having a little more trouble than usual in selecting the right word to express her thoughts, but other than that not much seems different.

I'll keep you posted as I learn more.

Dad

11:57 p.m. on Sunday, April 8, 2007:

i think the refrigerator in our room hates me. or wants to make my life miserable. i never hear it make any noise during the day, but two minutes after i lay down in bed to go to sleep it starts humming really loudly. a developing case of resistentialism? (theory that inanimate objects demonstrate hostile behavior against humans...i think i learned that word from the word-a-day email. which is pretty cool that i retained something. at the time i thought it was a pretty unusable word. in light of this new battle against the fridge, i realize it is far more useful than originally thought) perhaps. things keep falling down a lot too. my speakers keep tumbling off the wall and crashing about. a picture frame just suicidally leapt off a shelf and smacked a bottle of lotion of a desk which then subsequently knocked over the trash can. what is going on? why is everything goin crazy like?

06:32 p.m. on Saturday, April 7, 2007:

So, I'm cleaning out my iTunes, and stumbled upon the saddest song of all time!!!!!!!!

The tiny goat wanted a birthday party
and sent out invitations to its friends
but when the day came none of them remembered
so it put out its eyes with fountain pens
The world is cruel and the moon remote
Suicide was not an option for the tiny goat
The tiny goat was very, very ugly
and like all ugly things it fell in love
When twenty years of waiting turned to nothing
It swallowed lye and lay down on the stove
When the world bites, there's no antidote
Who would want to spend forever with a tiny goat?
The world's a leech crawling down one's throat
One would rather be a tick than be a tiny goat

04:34 p.m. on Saturday, April 7, 2007:

i want there to be a band called "the bling bling thing." and when they put on concerts i want the members of the band to walk on stage, one at a time. and each will have their own theme song. one of which must be "so fresh and so clean." and this member of the band (potentially the frontman) will come on last to the chorus and inevitably brush his shoulders off. one member of the band must walk on to an bollywood-indian pop/hip-hop song. they will play only good music. they will not have any slow songs. despite doing all upbeat songs with great bass lines, none of them will sound the same, and none will be repetitive. you will never get tired of their music and they will always put you in a good mood. when you are grumpy, their music will not be so upbeat that it's annoying. all of their songs will be about totally true things and have great titles like, "The Law of Cartographical Elegance," "¿Quien Es Mas Macho?" and "Ayn Rand's Revenge." they will not sing about love. they will sing about every day things and the joys and tribulations of day to day living. they will sing about things they wonder about, like why in video games that have waterfalls, there are always goodies behind the waterfalls. is this a videogaming rule? a persistant theme? an unspoken principle of the gaming world? they will sing about things that will make you say, "wow, that's funny, i never thought about it that way but it's totally true!" they will have killer synth lines and great rhyming schemes. they will get stuck in your head in a good way. they will be fun to sing along to. they will be regular people and not care about being on MTV or the radio or catering to a certain kind of audience. they will stay regular people. they will magically stay underground so that no one annoying that bugs you and thinks they are alternative or emo will listen to them. they will have awesome music videos made with home video cameras that are held incredible steady. they will read books on tape for their bonus tracks. they will have at least one song on every album in an unfamiliar language not usually used in music production like zulu. the words will be easy to remember, and useful when going to countries that speak zulu. they will do really good covers of pop songs like n*sync's "it's gonna be me" but set them in a different genre so they sound better than the original. they will never overbook their concerts so that you have some weird sweaty guy with bad breath and bad facial hair always brushing up against you. you will always meet someone cool at their concerts that lives three miles away from you. they will be incredible.

such band does not exist. perhaps i'm being a little picky and detailed in my desires. but that's what i want.

03:59 p.m. on Saturday, April 7, 2007:

bathroom breaks. coffee. coffee. coffee. (no, that's one coffee. you know, "coffee coffee coffee!" not three orders of one coffee. but you said coffee three times. that's three coffees.) windows open. thirty two degrees. makes me think of littoral zones. and triple points. the daily rhythm of immersion and exposure. the oscillation between liquid water and ice. changing clothes. phone call from home. broken glasses. gimpy legs. i need to steal some eggs. eggs. get your eggs here. fresh and and white eggs are here! wiggle giggle. yellow middle. that's the best of what you are. i love you egg. white and tender, surround the center. cozy, sitting in the crackling shell. i love you. vitamins and minerals in you. oodles of the proteins too! oodle doodle. popular and perfect and so complete in every way. i love you egg. egg! come into my tummy, oh so very yummy. crack! crack! crack! chip-a-chip away your shell and come to me! get your eggs! i love you. fresh egg! i love you. white egg! really really love you so. eggs! fresh, fresh eggs! eggs i really love you like the sky above. eggs are the best! i love you. fresh egg! i love you. white egg! really really love you so. eggs! fresh, fresh eggs! three-hundred sixty five days, i really love you so. i really love you so. mmmm yummy!

02:41 p.m. on Saturday, April 7, 2007:

last night i went to the tang to see the dance/movement performance and it was incredible. it started out with just a bunch of people walking around and turned into duets which turned into a huge dance break down in the back room. it was awesome. different. awesome.

and i went to an athena's party. which was also really really fun. theater people are crazy! and it's hysterical to be in a room with these people while sex toys are being presented, discussed and sold.

and then guitar hero. medium has become boring. so i'm trying hard. it's...hard. maybe i'll play more today.

this morning, we went to d-hall. that was cool. i've already forgotten what i ate. oh. i had a sandwich. and now drinking coffee in the room with sarah and dan, discussing uplifting topics such as: cancer, death, fires, murders, divorces, cheating husbands, violence and bruises, changing locks. good times. good coffee.

04:32 p.m. on Friday, April 6, 2007:

it's incredible how such a fun day can take a terrible turn. my mom's cancer is back. three tumors. of course, their much smaller than the huge tumor they found in her brain the first time. but it's back. and there are three. and she has to go back in for treatment. four days in. ten days out. four days in. ten days out. four days in. ten days out. four days in. ten days out. four days in. ten days out. four days in. ten days out. four days in. ten days out. four days in. ten days out. four days in. ten days out. four days in. ten days out. four days in. ten days out. four days in. ten days out.

i watered my c-fern today.

11:32 p.m. on Thursday, April 5, 2007:

so i broke my glasses. and i'm not allowed to wear my contacts says health services because my eyes have been bothering me. and i'm BLIND! and this really really sucks.

07:19 p.m. on Thursday, April 5, 2007:

god i need a nap. the snow melted. and our phosphorus lab actually worked. i still can't believe it. and i'm so happy about it. i had to skip on dinner because i have a massive massive headache that's been looming over me all day. most likely from a lack of sleep. so i'm going to nap and then do the ridiculous amount of work i have tonight. and my eye still kind of hurts.

oh! i swallowed two pills today in math class. advil. but i actually swallowed them! with no food! of course, i had to stick my finger in my mouth and push them all the way back, so it probably looked incredibly attractive, but i actually swallowed pills. amazing!

nap nap nap.
i got many compliments on my frog boots today. and that made me happy.
i need to take a shower. and that makes me sad.
it's ashley's birthday today. and that makes me happy.
i feel crappy. and that makes me feel sad.

07:17 p.m. on Wednesday, April 4, 2007:

holy shit it's snowing!

05:04 p.m. on Wednesday, April 4, 2007:

the rain is nice today. rough night last night--i didn't get back from the theater until five thirty this morning. quick nap and then chem class. bio was a fight against the inevitable: my laptop had 58 minutes of battery left when i got to class. class is 55 minutes long, plus we ran over two minutes. so i finished class with one minute left on my battery. which was kind of exhilarating. noah and i just watched the roma/manchester game and now i think i'm going to take a nap. it's still raining. and it's good rain.

05:58 p.m. on Tuesday, April 3, 2007:

back from the theater. must eat and then dan's polo match is at seven. i had a chem meeting but i told dan i'd go to his match so i shall hold true to my word. then later tonight i must return to the theater to continue painting floors. ugh. my arms are tired. and i really want a nap.

in other news: charlie's back! and aurora is my hero.

02:14 a.m. on Tuesday, April 3, 2007:

in the middle of a cleaning tick, i began to wonder why i was so tired---well, because it's two in the morning. logical. perhaps i will continue this cleaning spree tomorrow. and homework. not a homework spree, just do some. i've taken a few well-deserved days off.

today i downloaded. instead of homeworking. today's most important downloads:
the new !!! (chk chk chk) album Myth Takes.
(ps: do you remember when there was a note about some African tribe's name in one of our high school text books telling us that the ! was pronounced as a "chk" sound?)
the 1990's
a few leaked tracks off the new Bright Eyes album Cassadaga which is being released April 9th/10th!
Call and Response. I guess they're rare. I really want the track "Rollerskate" if anyone can find it/has it. because i can't/don't.
that new CocoRosie song Rainbowarriors
that Deerhoof song "Kidz Are So Small"
the first leaked track off Get Him Eat Him's upcoming album Arms Down! courtesy of Questionable Content of course
The Go Find track Dictionary
a ton of Lily Allen off her Alright, Still album.
Logh. If anyone has more, send it my way, because I am in love. I've got "A Vote for Democracy" "Yellow Lights Mean Slow Down, Not Speed Up" and "Destinymanifesto." I want/need more."
Mika's Life in Cartoon album
The new Talking Heads song "Born Under Punches"
and last but not least, I finally got around to getting Tiger City's "Let Her Go." I mentioned this song awhile ago, and couldn't find a place to download it anywhere! So I found them on myspace and recorded their song through garage band onto my computer. (crafty, eh?) so now I have it. seven minutes and eight seconds of perfection!

anyway, now that it's two thirty i'll go to bed, and perhaps continue this organizing/downloading/not doing homework spree tomorrow morning.

09:02 p.m. on Monday, April 2, 2007:

today is a good day, and it will only get better. 104 on my chem test made it good. really good. and what's about to happen is going to make it better. i'll explain in due time. but this is going to be so much fun. as a hint: the soundtrack from ocean's twelve would be a perfect soundtrack for what we're about to do. minus the first song. oh, and i went to health services today because my eyes have been red for a week...not hurting, just red. so they told me to "live a healthy life" and "keep my eyes closed to promote healing." thanks health services. good job.

01:35 p.m. on Sunday, April 1, 2007:

what a dumb article! i think someone should tell these people to get over themselves. and is this the NYT's idea of a joke? i hope so, because it was probably the worst article they've ever had. EVER.

12:33 p.m. on Sunday, April 1, 2007:

today is fun. we're going to see pan's labyrinth at three. and then i guess i'm going to go paint. sarah sprayed me with water at lunch. but then again i sprayed her when she was in the shower. i repeat: today is fun.

10:43 a.m. on Sunday, April 1, 2007:

so we just woke up. ALREADY pranked. not a big one. but we couldn't get out our door without a struggle-- a giant barrier! floor to ceiling. several newspaper layers thick. great. a few carefully chosen locations for the word "penis." and then peering through a torn hole we can see the "Skidmore Recycles!" recycling guide for newspaper. so here is a link to a few pictures and a VIDEO:



of sarah running through the wall. note: on the other side of our door is another door to the bathroom. which was closed. i don't know if you can tell, but sarah ran straight into that door.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AURORA!

08:34 p.m. on Thursday, March 29, 2007:

i hate when one person says something funny, and then the person who it was told to repeats it as if it's their own idea to seem cool. that drives me crazy. that makes me think that that person has no original ideas and just cares about image and the way they are perceived, despite the fact that the aforementioned individual prides him/herself on being a unique individual with a mind of his/her own.

04:15 p.m. on Tuesday, March 27, 2007:

i think i've finally devolved. caveman-esque. this decision has originated from how i just ate some food. granted, i wasn't grunting, or drooling...let me explain: i was hungry. established. so, i grabbed an old container of chinese food out of our refrigerator which turned out to be white rice. we have no forks, and no plates..which would really be a problem but chinese food rice containers freak me out. so i just ate leftover chinese food rice off a sheet of pink printer paper with my hands. gross gracie. (but it was good!)

in other news, i have a chem review in fifteen minutes and i can't decide if i should go. i have SO MUCH HOMEWORK tonight. and a HUGE chem test tomorrow. maybe i won't go. maybe i'll just take a nap and then get to work. because it's much easier for me to study on my own.

06:42 p.m. on Monday, March 26, 2007:

so i went for a walk - a little cliché, i know, but it's been so long since it's rained and i kind of just needed to get wet. and now, after i've been to d-hall, i think i'm going to have my own little movie marathon while doing math homework. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I MUST INTERUPT THIS RELATIVELY POINTLESS ENTRY! because i just got a phone call from eric jarboe saying that jess had gotten into skidmore! this is really cool! so she's going to give me a call tonight to figure out what skidmore is ALLLLLL about. awesome!

03:48 p.m. on Monday, March 26, 2007:

i have a chemistry test on wednesday. that's going to be difficult. my itunes is running on a great shuffle spree at the moment. be envious. i have to go to calc lab in a few minutes but SURPRISE! i've already done the lab. so i'll just pretend to be working for a few minutes and then pull up my completed copy.

today in bio we saw some pretty awesome things. including a (WAIT A MINUTE! this kid (potentially someone i know) just ran by my window wearing bright green spandex pants) velvet worm that spewed goo on it's prey. AWESOME? i think so.

07:31 p.m. on Sunday, March 25, 2007:

i really like how when i come back from an entire day of studying my room has been taken over by other people's stuff. i can't even see the top of my desk because other people have put their stuff on it. it's really nice. i really hope people keep doing that. mmhmm.

yet again i've spent a quiet day working. i spent countless hours outlining chemistry for my test on wednesday. i have a lab due tomorrow that i really need to start working on. paw paw paw.

now i just feel like tut-tutting around. today i stopped by petsmart. and there was an adorable pair (brother and sister) of seven month old siamese cats. and they were perfect. i had half a mind to buy them but a young couple adopted them while i was looking at them. not like it's possible for me to own cats in a dorm anyway. but they were beautiful. and it made me miss my cats. what really made me happy was that all the cats seemed affectionate and chilled out. which is not like my kittens. which is sad. whatever.

03:49 p.m. on Sunday, March 25, 2007:

i held up the tradition of buying a dress today. i hopped the shuttle to target to buy a few things i needed and decided to also buy a little dress. this, i hope, will become an annual purchase. i also just cut my lip. this, i hope, will not become an annual event. i have a lot of homework i need to do. maybe i'll go do it in case.

09:24 p.m. on Saturday, March 24, 2007:

today i wore pink for the occasion. black seemed like a waste of time. and a little too somber. i mean, the bracelets were going to be pink. i can't believe it's been a year. a whole year. today i just took it easy. read all day in the atrium, stayed pretty quiet. tomorrow i think will be worse. because that's the one year mark of dropping those dresses in the middle of anthropologie and crying on that couch. i think i'm going to wear the dress i bought that day tomorrow. wow. one year since we went out for lunch after we knew and amanda got a spinach pie and aurora was "shafted" by the blinds. that picture's still on my phone. one year since we went into the yearbook office to cry together on the couch and refuse to go to class and take tallies of the amount of people who came in to check up on us and ask if we needed anything. one whole week of crying and dozing off and staying together. and then going to her parents house with all of yearbook, the way there blasting oldies just to keep us smiling--no shoes inside, hands weighed down by plastic bags full of food for her family. i remember standing awkwardly in a hallway with that plastic bag and just dropping it off in a corner because i didn't know where it should go, and i wasn't ready to ask questions about where they wanted things to go. i hope her family is doing well. and every one else. in general.

b just called. we're sending out spreads for the new england scholastic judging. too bad i don't have my book at school so i can actually look at the spreads. oh well, i remember them well enough.

i have an idea. i should do that. hmm.

11:11 p.m. on Wednesday, March 21, 2007:

i am a sleepy bear. and i shall go to bed now. because, although my lab is no where near done, i just tried to spell the word "near" n-e-r-e. which clearly indicates that i am operating on an empty tank of gas. so i'll wake up early tomorrow and do it. jeeze course and housing selection is stressing me out. so far i know i'm taking organic chem (which is five credits! because of the three hours of lecture per week plus the FOUR HOUR lab) neuroscience (which is 4 credits with three hours of lecture time and two hour lab) and linear algebra (another 4 credits with three hours of lecture and a one hour lab). so i'm thinking about taking a graduation requirement too--like an art or humanity. ideally i want to take a language, but there is NO way that is fitting in my schedule as intro language classes meet four times a week. and four classes meeting for times a week is impossible to arrange. oh well.

09:14 p.m. on Wednesday, March 21, 2007:

people are starting to get on my nerves. i feel like for some reason people are becoming more...two-faced, for lack of a better term. people are no longer themselves, or for some reason seem to be, well...acting like jerks. as in every conversation turns into a confrontation, a fight to see who can be the most impressive or who has better friends...it is irritating. and immature. i'm not quite sure what has sparked this change in personality in so many of my friends (to clarify, not all! some people are still the same lovable people they've always been)but i wish they would get over it.

and i'm working on 45 minutes of sleep though. and i have another lab to do tonight. and i want nothing more than to go to sleep.

06:49 a.m. on Wednesday, March 21, 2007:

so i finally finally finally finished both my c-fern lab report and my english paper. and it's seven in the morning. so i guess i'm just going to take a shower and go to class. man. school is hard. and i am tired.

10:15 a.m. on Tuesday, March 20, 2007:

okay. fixed (i hope) thesis to fit new parameters. i need a shower. and to clean my room.

today will be a good day.
today will be a good day.
today will be a good day.
today will be a good day.
today will be a good day.
today will be a good day.

09:47 a.m. on Tuesday, March 20, 2007:

OKAY! I HATE MY ENGLISH CLASS WITH A BURNING PASSION SO GREAT IT WILL CONSUME THE ENTIRE GLOBE! First the spellcheck thing, which is simply unfortunate, then the midterm thing, which is infuriating, THEN MY FUCKING THESIS! okay, so the assignment says, "Choose one of the above works and write a paper..." and then there are three prompts. The first one says, compare two works and talk about this. The second says, compare two works and talk about that. The last says "create your own thesis!" So I did. I chose one of the above works and had a really exciting idea for a paper. And I got really excited about it and wrote my thesis and sent it to my english professor (she wants to make sure we're on the right track before wasting our time writing a paper with a lousy thesis. which i guess is okay) and she responds THIRTEEN HOURS LATER!!!!!!!!! (which is a long time. usually she responds in like, twenty minutes to give you time to fix things) to say, "Grace, read the assignment, it says discuss TWO works." NO IT DOESN'T!!!! I CAN READ! IT SAYS ONE! THE TWO TOPICS PROVIDED SAY TWO! BUT CREATE YOUR OWN THESIS DOES NOT! AND IN THE TOP OF THE PAGE IN BOLD! IT SAYS CHOOSE ONE! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I understand my english professor is not out to get me but she is most inflexible. and really irritating, when, in fact, NO! IT DOES NOT SPECIFY TWO WORKS. FUCK THIS! I HATE PEOPLE! especially because, as it took so long for her to respond, i was forced to start writing this paper as its due tomorrow, and she cuts my time in half by coming up with a bullshit parameter that was NOT SPECIFIED CLEARLY on the thesis sheet. AND MAKING ME SCRAP THE GREAT STUFF I ALREADY HAD! PLUS! I've written about just one work before! so why this new change in heart?! THIS BLOWS!

08:53 p.m. on Monday, March 19, 2007:

the only highlight of my day was qwantz. a copy of which i DEFINITELY just sent to my bio lab professor.

02:22 p.m. on Monday, March 19, 2007:

without debate, this is the worst day i've had in a really long time.

11:59 a.m. on Monday, March 19, 2007:

so i just got my enrollment timeslot for next semester. and learned from my english professor that my spellcheck isn't working. and as you know, i'm a terrible speller. she said my paper was fantastic and a pleasure to read and should get an A but because of the spelling she had to dock it to a B. which is when i realized that my spellcheck isn't working. because if you spellcheck it, the computer says everything is spelled right. which means i wrote and A paper and my computer brought my grade down. which makes me REALLY ANGRY! because i spent a long time on that paper. and it should have been an A. and out of no fault of my own, i got a b. i mean, yeah i spelled the words wrong, but spellcheck should be reliable. i am really unhappy. and STRESSED OUT.

07:56 p.m. on Saturday, March 17, 2007:

I NEED TO:

figure out what time i'm leaving tomorrow
pack!
do my homework!
find my phone
buy more vitamins
steal laundry detergent
get nalgene out of dishwasher
get those spoons
figure out how to fit all the shit i acquired into one bag for the train
DO HOMEWORK! jeeze.

eh, there's a bunch of stuff i need to do. maybe i should not sleep tonight? eh. bad idea. i really do need to do my homework, though. and get back to school. i really hope my train is on time. because last time it was two and a half hours late. and that's just not cool.

11:24 p.m. on Friday, March 16, 2007:

also, i am out of contact solution. i was going to get some today but it has been sleeting all day. and thus it is not worth risking my life for a bottle of contact solution. as a result, i have been using the same contact solution in the little wells of my contact case for three days now. due to the nature of liquids and their tendency to evaporate, i am now down to enough to barely cover the surface of my contacts. and, those of you remotely close to understanding chemistry understand that as this evaporation occurs, the salt in this "saline solution" is becoming more and more concentrated. leaving me with 2mL of the most concentrated contact solution on the planet. not helpful. contact wearers note: i am aware using spit works as contact solution. but, my inner girl shines through in this situation to say, "gross." if it is possible for you to somehow get me a bottle of contact solution for tomorrow and deliver it to me, you will be rewarded with a piece of cake or sugary item of your choice.

also, i really need to do my homework. pleh

10:03 p.m. on Friday, March 16, 2007:

this entry is a rant.
i really dislike when people say their interests on facebook are "music and movies." seriously, even if you're a hardcore film buff and music connoisseur, you do not list your interests as music and movies. i regard many of my friends and acquaintances (and perhaps even myself) as audiophiles, and yet, not one of these individuals lists "music" as his/her most important interest in life. i can understand if you decided at the ripe old age of four that you wanted to be a conductor and have thus dedicated your youth to the study of music, then you are surely interested in music and can thus list it as an interest. if you are a pathetic waste of DNA with absolutely no hobbies or interests other than cleaning your old sega gaming console, then don't list "music" as one of your interests. especially, if the majority of your itunes is filled with 8-bit audio files from other 1980s gaming devices. say, "sega and video game synth lines." that's much more specific and true to your personal character. AND! i hate when people say they like every kind of music. that just means they have no taste, and have no idea what the difference between good music and bad music is. AND! i hate when people say they only listen to, "good music." because that either means that they're a snob or that they want to appear cool and hip without being specific as to fall flat on their face with a mention of a band that, god forbid, someone in the room doesn't like. stand up for your music tastes! don't be afraid to say you like bands no one else does. GROW A MUSICAL SPINE! that is all.

07:36 p.m. on Thursday, March 15, 2007:

so popeyes has a new sauce: creole sauce! wow. laughter. hysterical laughter. that combined with an entire day of photoshop and scrubs.

06:01 p.m. on Wednesday, March 14, 2007:

damn music box. if someone takes a nap, it is not nice to turn on a stupid saint patrick's day music box in the same room. it is hardly ever appropriate to turn on stupid saint patrick's day music box and i am mortified at the thought that my mother does not know proper music box etiquette. and also grouchy about just waking up. my grandmother is coming over for dinner which will be a drain, i suppose. and then i need to read the fifty pages of the drivers manual that i have been avoiding. and i really need to do my homework. i talked to both charlie and josh today on the phone and in doing so have realized how far behind i've fallen in my homework duties. i'm also paralyzed with fear about my upcoming test. yikes! no matter, what will be will be. or, more commonly (and more diversely? ethnically?/ foreign.) que sera sera. my mother is breathing louder to get my attention. i hate that. so i am going to continue chewing on the button on my sweater and typing here until she goes away. aha! i know her tricks too well. goodbye!

01:48 a.m. on Tuesday, March 13, 2007:

and another thing -- i know that was you. if you were wondering if i noticed at all. most things don't escape me all that easily.

i heard you shot your woman down, shot her down to the ground.

caroline, you were right. the dreamers is a fantastic film.

10:58 p.m. on Monday, March 12, 2007:

so i bought it. i couldn't help it. i shipped it to school so it'll probably be there when we get back.

10:26 p.m. on Monday, March 12, 2007:

Spring break, along with any other break from college is undeniably for updating dusty music collections. Thus, when I came across this review, I was intrigued:

Odawas transports you into sonic landscapes still brilliant enough to feel organic – without that avant-garde put-on. Listening makes you feel half insane, but not overwhelmed – overcome by some cosmic experience, yet brought back to earth by the occasionally un-molested guitar strum, reminding you of the peace of Reality. It may take some time for you to return fully to Earth.

I must admit, I do truly feel insane. Also check out:
Elvis Perkins' new album Ash Wednesday. Sometimes it is nice to get out of the bizarre music realm and listen to some honest-to-good music. a quiet, acoustic guitar and clean, untouched vocals reveal a forgotten music style: simple, and good.

Tiger City (specifically Let Her Go): A relatively new band on my list, Tiger City takes its inspiration from Prince, the Talking Heads and Steely Dan. I suppose I would list it under glam rock, with the vocals usually falling in falsetto range and guitars mimicking those of the eighties.

(we interrupt this music broadcast to mention that my kittens are wrestling. and it is ridiculously entertaining. and distracting)

Army Defense (77 World Tour): They have, to my knowledge, created the longest album ever recorded. With 191 tracks representing different countries around the world, Army Defense=awesome in my book.

The Good, The Bad, and the Queen: The line-up consists of Blur veteran Damon Albarn, ex-Clash bassist Paul Simonon, ex-Verve guitarist Simon Tong and (here’s the curve ball) Fela Kuti and Africa 70 afro-beat pioneer Tony Allen.

Here's a single: If you know of Of Montreal, yet haven't really gotten as into them as you would have initally liked, (i.e. in my situation) try Bunny Ain't No Kind of Rider. Caution to the wary listener: it will get stuck in your head. Also, try not to call the next passing female a "faggy girl."

Another single: Little Brazil's You and Me. Peppy, poppy, everything a girl needs to get through the day.

Cursive: the entire Happy Hollow album is worth a listen.

and, this is what i want for st. patrick's day: Screaming Masterpieces. I might just buy it for myself. Like, now. It's a map of Icelandic music--including sigur ros, mum, bjork (sugarcubes), bang gang, mugison, etc.

05:56 p.m. on Monday, March 12, 2007:

hpv no more! back from the doctors where i got the first installment of a three-part vaccination against hpv. i am not looking forward to the body-slammed side effects that will develop tomorrow. my parents and i went on a walk around the neighborhood. the weather is unreal. it's fifty degrees out. and the ground is practically thawed--reminds me of golf. perhaps it was the unavoidable terror of getting a shot and other unpleasant, unwelcome and unexpected encounters that have negated the good mood the weather brings. no matter, AIH will inevitably make it better. and the c-fern. there's nothing that can put me back on track faster than homework. especially when it involves the c-fern.

12:20 a.m. on Monday, March 12, 2007:

sunday brings an inevitable trip to church, filled with unavoidable questioning of college life, course loads, new love interests and future plans. these conversations do not suit me. the reward for such an awkward morning: a trip to the goodwill (mom's treat) proved successful! arriving home with an armload of treats: an official tennis awards sweater (very collegiate and appropriate according to my father), a suit jacket, a green sweater, a burgundy sweater, and brown corduroys (boyfriend pants, again, according to my dad). two other treats: little glass bottles for flowers or thumbtacks-- whichever the season prescribes, and a framed picture of curious george making the usual ruckus, under which is the quote, "Spaghetti was all over the place and in the middle of it was a little monkey." my mother and i found it most appropriate for my room. perhaps above my desk. or my dresser. i remain undecided.

09:25 p.m. on Saturday, March 10, 2007:

my mother keeps asking me what i'm doing on my computer and this is irritating me. it would take way too long to explain what i was doing. and it doesn't matter anyway. and i hate how she reads over my shoulder. i don't know why it bothers me. but it does.

09:15 p.m. on Saturday, March 10, 2007:

so i'm home. home. my head hurts. and i slept most of the day. drove around a bit. watched big last night and watched bend it like beckham today. and read three chapters in rebecca. yet to work on c-fern. tomorrow i'm being dragged to church and out to lunch. and i really just want to go to the bank and start on my homework. (i live such an exciting life--i'm aware).

ps. my dad's impressed that i know who roy hibbert is. and identified him. can you? i'm a great daughter.

02:07 a.m. on Thursday, March 8, 2007:

so bernard, my sweetmate wendy's really really cute friend who's real name is matt thinks i'm cute. BEST DAY EVER. and strike went well. and there was an email sent out that eleven people were theater heros and i was one of those eleven. and i just watched heros. holy cow. and i talked to caroline. anyways. i need to go to sleep. and go home on FRIDAY!

02:43 p.m. on Wednesday, March 7, 2007:

after i read that last entry, the "98 fuckers" makes it sound like there are 98 individual fuckers. which was not my intent. the fuckers is simply emphasizing the amazingness of the 98. just to clarify.

ps. the music i'm listening to right now would be "don't stop till you get enough" by michael jackson. that's perfect to describe the mood i'm in right now.

02:40 p.m. on Wednesday, March 7, 2007:

98 fuckers!
on my bio lab practical. holy cow! i have another test this friday in bio, but seriously? I KICK ASS! the first test i got an A too. I forget the number but it was high. and a 98?! jeeze! makes one think about becoming a bio major again. but not really. oh man. i'm going to go do laundry and pack and think about how amazing this is.

07:00 p.m. on Monday, March 5, 2007:

who remembers this:

"Premarital sex isn't worth it! You can catch AIDS, or cancer, or testicle weevils, or a bad body image or rickets. You know what IS worth it? Making love to Jesus. Because you can't knock Him up and He'll never ask what you're thinking – cuz He already knows!"

The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs. That's why all the girls who do "it" always get so fat and ugly and have that ulcerated skin that screams to everyone in church, "I am an insatiable slut!"

"I hereby pledge: to never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it."

"Watch out, boys! Because thanks to Iron Hymen, my baby cave is better guarded than a maximum security prison – even one ringed with electrified razorwire and a crocodile-infested moat!"

just go.

06:32 p.m. on Monday, March 5, 2007:

sometimes i forget how happy i was in high school. go back to my entries in 2005. Check it out. Sarah and Charlie tell me I act differently, i.e. I'm less happy lately. That's probably because I hate all my classes. And it's been two sucky weeks in a row. But generally, life is good, gracie is happy. listen to the knife. (that's a band) and the new chk chk chk album. these are the things that made my day today:
waking up at seven thirty like a normal gracie would
getting a package at the post office
buying another tide to go thing. so i got stains out of two pairs of pants.
my chem teacher's glasses
chicken noodle soup at lunch
a bio lab practical now in the past
heart-to-hearts (i'm fine. really. believe me. "what's wrong?" shut the fuck up.)
anthony's battle wounds
my mother's emails.

my kittens got fixed today. i'm sorry for them. you should be too.

i have a calc midterm tomorrow. la la la. i'm glad i'm good at math because there is no way i'm going to feel like studying tonight.

12:11 p.m. on Sunday, March 4, 2007:

A spontaneous trip to Albany to go rollerskating, the glimmer of the upcoming Dar Williams, Yo La Tengo and Flaming Lips concerts in April, yesterday was a good day. At about eight o'clock Ben, Tiara, Darnel, Curmi, two girls who don't go to Skidmore and I drove all the way to Albany to go rollerskating. Perfect, perfect night. Surrounded by middleschoolers and some pretty serious rollerskating security, we skated with the best of 'em. Coming home at eleven, falling asleep in the fort, and not waking up until eleven this morning, the day's perfection has partially counteracted the terror associated with the upcoming week. Bio practical monday, english paper due monday, calc test tuesday, chem lab thursday, bio lab thursday, bio test friday. This will not be a good week. Perhaps the excitement of skating and twirling will be enough to get me through it all. And the upcoming spring break will certainly act as a nice reward.

06:30 p.m. on Wednesday, February 28, 2007:

i love my dad! anyways, i was finished with class at 2:30 today, went to d-hall and ate a leisurely lunch with the new york times, came back at 3:30 to read more nyt on the window seat in the lounge until i fell asleep in the sun like a little cat curling up on a newspaper. i woke up at 4:30, came upstairs, fell asleep immediately in my bed, and just woke up. and i feel like i've been hit by a bus. maybe i just need to jump around a bit. and i have bss's shoreline stuck in my head. (broken social scene). I'M SO TIRED! jeeze. i'm going to go eat more. perhaps that will help. otherwise, i shall continue turning into a lethargic little cat. which wouldn't be all that bad considering. other than the 10-year life expectancy. because then i'd already be dead! and a dead (certainly then lethargic) little cat is no fun to be at all.

07:43 p.m. on Friday, February 16, 2007:

i'm home! my train was canceled. Some woman from Amtrak called me this morning to tell me. So my dad came up and got me. And now I'm home. The furniture came back and it's incredibly shiny. Every piece of furniture, every surface, is just gleaming! It's nice to be home.

08:04 a.m. on Thursday, February 15, 2007:

NOT HAPPY!!!!!! we have to go at nine! not fair! grrr!!

12:35 a.m. on Thursday, February 15, 2007:

my chemistry class met this morning. but after that all of my other classes were canceled. as of now, all classes before 10:30 have been canceled. i have a nine o clock lab that runs until noon. so i have no idea if that is going to be canceled or not. so i've emailed both professors but no response yet. (my superior intellect tells me that's because i just sent them emails...we'll see) anyways, we have about a foot and a half of snow. and i cleaned. all day. ALL DAY. arranging my closet INCREDIBLY well. anyways, i'm feeling a little depressed? no, not the word i wanted at all. it's complicated. but i have a feeling it's all going to end in a let-down. i just finished watching children of men. i'm not quite sure how i feel about it. i mean, it was fantastic! but terrible. and the ending was pretty lame. but it was still good. it's been a long day. and i get to come home this weekend! and meet my grandfather! strange. i can't wait! sometimes i think i thrive on things like this.

05:54 p.m. on Saturday, February 10, 2007:

I know, I know. Don't start. I've been busy. WITH WHAT? I'm not sure, I got out of the habit. I'll work harder. So what's been going on? Well, we went to Sushi Thai a few days ago and I ate eel. It was actually pretty good. Shoes came yesterday. Liam (aka Kelly) as in "Oh my God, shoes!" as in "Israeli Palestinian Conflict Muffin" Liam. Here at Skidmore. And Dan Levy came too. It was a party. and! Girl Talk is coming tonight! TONIGHT! I'm so thrilled. We missed out on the hockey game today (first home game I've ever missed, it's a tragic day) because we've got a massive bio test on Monday, so studying non-stop has become the objective of the weekend. Tonight, we'll check out Girl Talk and then come back to study more. Boy, we're lame. Next weekend I'm going home! And! Get to meet my new grandfather. Weird? I vote yes. So, I apologize for the lack of blogging, but you see, I just didn't have time. And almost forgot that I used to blog with regularity. Perhaps I will improve.

02:17 a.m. on Thursday, February 1, 2007:

i think i was hit in the face with a giant ball of blogging apathy. i hear it can happen. and i'm seeing the signs. here's a quick update. (best i can do at two in the morning)

i joined the theater company! what does this entail? i paint sets and write reviews on the shows for the newspaper. (THAT WAS THE BEST PLAY EVERRRRR! will inevitably be my review for everything)

i made a killer KILLER playlist today including:
lots of daft punk
some ratatat
some hellogoodbye
some ben
and that's it. BUT IT'S FANTASTIC!

i'm irritable because i'm STILL SICK! it's been at least a week now. and it's so dry here! i think we need to buy a humidifier. seriously. AND! because i'm thinking i'm through being nice to people. i've always been nice to people. and i'm not saying that it isn't reciprocated, but if people are irritating me slash being butt heads, then they do not deserve my niceness. yes! but then they ask, "gracie, why are you being so mean to me?" and i think in my head, "because you're a fuckwad and you don't deserve my patience because deep down, you're a jerk, and that's all you'll ever be." but instead i just say i'm not being mean. (and occasionally that they should suck it up and stop being so sensitive.)

i'm hungry.

tomorrow we're going on a field trip to lake lonely. water samples and all. i'm really excited.

i have a lot of shit to take care of.

i got asked out to dinner today OVER FACEBOOK! just a little hint people: AUTOMATIC NO! TO ANYONE WHO TRIES TO GET A DATE OVER FACEBOOK!!!!!!!!!!! you may be the nicest guy in the world, but seriously, ask me in person. plus, just no. i have yet to respond. i really did consider saying yes, but facebook? come on. no. oh, and it also had some pretty lame punctuation. so my first thought wasn't "i just got asked out on a date over facebook" as one may suppose but rather "that's a statement. not a question. i hope that question mark isn't really there and i'm hallucinating it."

"here in your arms" has got to be the best song on the planet.

i need to go to sleep. WHY AM I STILL AWAKE?

12:42 p.m. on Sunday, January 28, 2007:

i'm sick.

MREEP!

this is not cool.

10:14 a.m. on Sunday, January 28, 2007:

caroline hopped on the women's ice hockey bus yesterday and rode up to skidmore. she could only stay for less than two hours but it was fun nonetheless. this morning i have a hilarious amount of homework to do but i don't feel well so i'm going to stay in bed a little longer.

10:38 a.m. on Friday, January 19, 2007:

i can't believe i'm going back to school tomorrow. sweet? i vote YES!
my new mattress was delivered today. those of you who know me well know i sleep in a tightly curled ball most of the time. (those of you who really know me know that i roll around a lot, but still, the majority of my sleeping time is a ball) so, me falling asleep in a queen-sized mattress is somewhat humorous. especially when i go back to school and i have to go back to sleeping on a twin-sized mattress. also, we have no queen-sized sheets. lovely. I NEED TO PACK!

07:08 a.m. on Friday, January 19, 2007:

snow!

12:29 a.m. on Friday, January 19, 2007:

it really bothers me when people's favorite book lists on facebook are simply books they read in high school. i understand a few of them--gatsby, brave new world, etc. i mean, we were reading books that our english teachers thought were great. but seriously. those can't be your favorite books. now, i don't read much. but i don't put books i read in english class on that list just so it looks longer so it looks like i read more. perhaps this is a flaw of mine but if your book list looks like the reading list for ap english then i think you're an idiot.

07:58 p.m. on Wednesday, January 17, 2007:

today's questionable content is funny.

06:42 p.m. on Tuesday, January 16, 2007:

so i went to the allergist the other day and it turns out i'm not just allergic to cats. WOAH NO! cats, dogs, dust mites, two different kinds of mold and some kinds of grass. groovy. i'm a weakling.

AURORA I STILL HAVE YOUR SOAP!

i really miss school (skid). i went to THS today and it was lame. way lame. which made me realize how much i adore college life. probably because everyone is nice to each other and has some sort of intelligence lingering in their systems. and people from college are witty and funny whereas people from high school are annoying, clichéd, self-centered brats who lie about people and start rumors about people because they have nothing better to do in their sad and pathetic lives. at least, that's what i've come to understand. love live maturity!

06:40 p.m. on Tuesday, January 16, 2007:

the metre used to be defined as 1/10000000th of the distance the north pole to the equator, when travelling through paris, france. now it's defined in terms of how fast light moves in a vacuum. hah! nice try, paris!

04:49 p.m. on Wednesday, January 10, 2007:

the neighborhood dog was put to sleep. this is very disturbing and upsetting news. poor baby. i loved him.

04:38 p.m. on Wednesday, January 10, 2007:

i am irritated. oh! first of all, they won states. jim made the annoncement, but before he did he said, "now, something like this has never happened in my eight years of hosting this competition." and we were thinking, "oh my god, trumbull didn't win! how can this be possible!" but he really meant that two teams had tied for second. trumbull still won. excellent, non? i'm irritated because iTunes just sent me an email saying, "check out the new band: The Shins!" because first of all, they're not a new band. second of all i don't want iTunes to ruin the shins for me and third of all, the email was like, "remember that band from Garden State?" and HEY! the shins were cool before garden state. plus, i hate the movie garden state. it's apparently an anthem for "different" and "creative" and JEEZE! it bothers me. oh well, i'm past it. anyways, off to party with the U-4 (and mallory of course) perhaps tomorrow will include a trip to the yearbook office. perhaps not. we'll see.

06:52 p.m. on Monday, January 8, 2007:

02:01 p.m. on Sunday, January 7, 2007:

I'm glum! And my room is a mess. An awful, horrid mess.

painful truth: i am diseased. caroline was making jokes last night. it's not really that funny. at all. i mean, i kind of looked like a dinosaur. the hair. but i'm lovely! that was my argument. i can't be diseased because i'm lovely. to that she scoffed. i think it might have been the dinosaur hair. or the big blue skirt that i had on. anyways, she, for one reason or another made a pretty creepy noise and started eating a plant on her dresser. i continued to roll around on her bed crying and screaming and laughing getting tangled up in that skirt and wondering if i had noticed it was a serious thing when it all started if it would be as bad as it is now. i'm lovely! it can't be all that serous, right? well, tomorrow we are calling dr. hagani? maybe. i forget the name of the other doctor and we will get this all sorted out. hurray!

i still like the dinosaur hair.

09:05 p.m. on Friday, January 5, 2007:

i have begun a new project. the idea of which has verily struck a chord in me. i like to imagine this tantamount to any other thought i've had. it's not. i'm almost certain i've had this idea before. in this reincarnation at least, i will do my best to carry it through, starting at the beginning. (a very good place to start)

08:40 a.m. on Friday, January 5, 2007:

hmmm.

today we're going to pick up some furniture from my aunt who is moving to florida. i am not excited.

last night was fun, we were of no help to unit six but we seemed to be good for the other units. we didn't get to see unit four! how dumb is that? we sat with them afterwards and ate cake and chatted, but we didn't get to do a question with them. which was NOT COOL.

also, my dad said something to me this morning that is really what generated the "hmmm" comment up top. i'm still not sure how i feel about it. i mean, good, let's get this over with! i could use some help. but the fact that he noticed and brought it up makes me kind of upset, i mean, i didn't really think it was that big a deal. but! a step in the right direction i'm sure will follow.

oh, and yesterday i realized i have no posters for my room in the new burn house. and what, may i ask, is a room that's not decorated correctly? NOTHING!!!!!!

03:03 p.m. on Sunday, December 31, 2006:

"stop rhyming i mean it!"
"anybody want a peanut?"

i'm going crazy in my own skin. IT'S THREE O CLOCK! i think i shall shower.

02:33 p.m. on Sunday, December 31, 2006:

home depot = successful. well, sort of. we picked out the garage light and the back door light and they perfectly match the one that still remains on the front porch. success! unfortunately, i think the front porch light is ugly. so that's a bummer. out to lunch to duchess. and tonight i think i'm going to a seventh grader basketball game? hmm. i have yet to make new years resolutions. i'm sure i could come up with some pretty quickly. or just a to do list for break. that would work too. maybe i could combine the two, for example:
1. get thoughts collected
2. find summer internship
3. apply for summer program at yale
4. get through first year of college
5. learn to knit
6. stop doing that!

that sounds good for now.

11:28 p.m. on Saturday, December 30, 2006:

say anything helped. double-edged sword, though.

09:45 p.m. on Saturday, December 30, 2006:

i want to go back home. i want my room. i want my house. the only thing that can make me feel better at a time like this is AC/DC. and perhaps say anything.

09:31 p.m. on Friday, December 29, 2006:

my kittens are playing and this brings me great joy. yet again my mother announced that she hated us. pursuit of happiness (actually, i think it's happyness) was really good. will smith's son is really cute. (speaking of possessives, it's sikorsky, not sikorsky's) my hands feel dry. and i think i will read a book or go to bed early tonight. i miss school i think.

06:10 p.m. on Friday, December 29, 2006:

what is this? what is this? can you tell me what this is? it was safe to say that the village wasn't really prepared for pr0nbot mreep mreep pr0nbot. it was a shock to our system. where is the promise land? where is the brave new world? there's something odd in the kitchen. this will be continued later. pursuit of happiness. you understand.

10:58 p.m. on Wednesday, December 27, 2006:

sometimes we like to pretend things never happen. you know, to make us seem cooler to the rest of the world. well, not me. this is what i was ashamed about: my itunes is on shuffle and a school house rock song (unpack your adjectives) just came on. not only will i not turn it off, i will blog this hugely LAME happening.

09:27 p.m. on Wednesday, December 27, 2006:

oh, and aurora, GET THE FUCK HOME!

09:25 p.m. on Wednesday, December 27, 2006:

don't fret! i found the other earing! thank goodness.

09:05 p.m. on Wednesday, December 27, 2006:

new jersey visits with step-grandmothers. sixty dollars in pocket and an allergy to a small german dog have emerged. oh, i also brought home half a cheeseburger. so that's a plus. on the way home we listened to a countdown of the ninety best songs of the year. and now i have mark knopfler and emmylou harris' this is us stuck in my head. oh! fidelity was on the countdown too. but bizarrely introduced. something about how the radio announcer had never come across a song that so many people loved yet so many people hated. oh well. then my mom and my sister fought. really loudly. and then of course my mother insulted both of us and told us we were idiots and she hated us and yada yada. and i think i've decided this might be why i don't really like people? i mean. i love people! i absolutely adore people. but i like being nice to people. and i like people being nice to me. but i've never really really felt that close to someone. repressed childhood problems? hah. because i smirk at people who rely on "childhood problems" to back up anything that goes wrong with their lives, i will say no. but certainly being told you are hated by your mother doesn't help at all. oh, and also, someone ordered the wrong wallpaper for our house so now they have to order new and take down the stuff they put up and apparently now we're thinking february for the move-in date? not happy. oh, and much more. much much more. but, i think one of these days i'll just freak out and decide to tell whoever happens to be sitting next to me, rather than just posting it here. it's rather personal, you see. we'll, yeah, i guess it is. whatever. this evening, i have "exercised" on the new thing--we have this new thing (i know this isn't particularly clear yet) it's from soloflex and it vibrates! anyways, if you stand on it for ten minutes a day it's supposed to be good for you. so my dad and i stand on it. it's kind of fun. it makes your ears tickle. so i did that and then stretched and now what? not quite sure. perhaps i'll read? we'll see. oh! yes. i had a dream last night. and, if mariel or noah or ari were consulted they would know. and much jollity and celebration were to be had. i think that last night might have been the best one i've had at skidmore. just the four of us. quiet-you know? anyways, off to find something to do.

04:56 p.m. on Tuesday, December 26, 2006:

i only have eleven minutes left of battery on my laptop. although, i'm sitting in my kitchen, thus, to "power up" all i would need to do would be to walk downstairs, get my power cord, walk back upstairs and plug in my laptop. although, that seems like an awful lot of steps for something i really need not be doing. i finished (ten minutes) watching breakfast at tiffanys. and i played with the kitten. not kittens. just pippi, you see. i can't believe christmas has come and gone so quickly. especially because i've yet to put in any effort in contacting people to go out for coffee or something similar. i've been in no (nine minutes, reserve battery power) mood to see people. that's untrue. i've simply not done it. perhaps tomorrow. well, no, i need to go to new jersey tomorrow to see my step-grandmother charlotte. always dreary visits. i'm not really looking forward to it. the one beacon of light in all of this (eight minutes) is that today i bought some michael kors gloves. beautiful black leather with cashmere lining. they excite me to no end. oh, and by the way, if one more person offers me a cookie, i think i may snap. my dad just got home, that means there will be something for me to do. (seven minutes) perhaps i shall log out before my computer shuts itself off. sounds good.

03:18 p.m. on Saturday, December 23, 2006:

i miss school. and people. then again, i've slept the past few days straight, so i actually haven't really seen anyone yet. which is probably why i'm so..well, so what i am. tonight i'm going to a hockey game. maybe after that i'll go see the unit. or at least talk to the unit. or maybe i'll hunker down with another paper to edit. or do SOMETHING with my life at least. i miss my routine at school. i have no routine here. and the one thing that has defined the strangeness of my life--the fire--is going to be over soon. i'm not quite sure if we can move in while i'm still home. we're hoping for the 15th. but that's soon. and christmas is coming. and it's sunny and no snow. that wasn't really a sentence so i apologize. i really miss amanda.

09:38 a.m. on Wednesday, December 20, 2006:

this is way dumb. i guess the rest of it...well, it's better it waited until now to start. but still. to start at all is an obvious irritant to my daily life. not to mention i have two more finals which i'm totally unprepared for. i need to shower and then study and then eat and then take my test. and FAIL. well, i hope not. i'm not at all concerned for calc. i'm concered for chem. because it's going to be a bitch of a test and for some reason i haven't yet found the time to study for it.

and it hurts! and i'm kind of sad.

07:55 p.m. on Monday, December 18, 2006:

"what have i done with my life? for serious! i am getting older and if things keep up this way, i will die an unremarkable dude. my epitaph will be, 'HERE LIES AN UNREMARKABLE DUDE :( BUT HEY I BET THERE'S SOMEONE RAD TO THE LEFT ;D!' actually, that's a pretty sweet epitaph. but! my concerns about my own lack of impact still stand."

07:46 p.m. on Monday, December 18, 2006:

genuinely good mood. i'm going to have a single! well, for the next few days before i go home as my roommate finishes her finals tonight. i think i'll go over to the library tonight and check out a movie. gerry gave me a fantastic ring today as a Christmas present. well, she's jewish, so maybe it was a Hanuka present. or a winter-break present. anyhow, i'm going to go to the library now, i think. find a movie, plop down in front of the tv and watch it. last night i stayed up until five thirty with will and laura (and charlie was up for a good bit of it) watching lolita and then lost in translation. today i watched snatch. now we're hoping for another good drama. we'll see.

03:42 p.m. on Monday, December 18, 2006:

so i gave my roommate two pairs of pants at the beginning of the school year and those are the only pants she really wears. i'm not quite sure why but that irritates me. oh well. no big deal. also, i'm done with my chem lab. so i only have two more finals. (only!) and then i'm done. but people are going home today! and i still have calc and chem to contend with.

07:02 p.m. on Sunday, December 17, 2006:

you WISH you did what we did tonight! you WISH you were wearing what i've been wearing all day. you WISH you were there to see it. you HOPE that you will eventually see the videos that were born from today. you CANT WAIT to understand what i'm talking about because WE CRAZY!

11:33 a.m. on Friday, December 15, 2006:

my roommate is playing country. WHY?!! oh what a world what a world what a world.

03:39 a.m. on Friday, December 15, 2006:

finals? FINALS! (bottles. bottles bottles galore!) that video was so good. so. yeah. bio final tomorrow. today in fact! but girl talk is keeping me awake. thank god. mostly minute by minute and bounce that. mostly that infectious synth-line half way through bounce that. thank god for that synth line. anyway, only one more lecture to go and i've finished the entire class-worth of lectures. and DAMN it feels good to be a gangsta. oh. bounce that just came on. i just wanted to post because i'm AWAKE!!!! but fake awake. crazy awake. so i'll finish the lectures and go to bed? or party. so, laura? fucked. absolutely. not only has she not gone to class AT ALL but didn't study. well, was completely gone (ie trashed ie high out of her mind and drunk as well. off her rocker. gone!) OH IT'S THE SYNTH LINE!!!! mmmmmmm. anyways. must finish last lecture. then bed. then get up and STUDY again. also, i apologize for the excessive use of CAPITALIZATION!!!! it's the crazy awake-ness. you see. yes. LAST LECTURE! now.

01:31 p.m. on Thursday, December 14, 2006:

study time. peanut butter jelly time? not quite. my fortune cookie today said that my good deeds would not go unnoticed. i hope not. i'm half serious about winging my bio final. we'll see. i want to go get my bio poster. see how i did and all. today i took a shower. this is an uninteresting post. i guess we could jazz it up? but how? ho hum. study. must study. that wasn't very jazzy. i suppose we'll get ella fitzgerald in here to jazz it up for us. we'll see. you know what i just thought of? trumbull day? that one time? when we pledged we'd do it forever. alien attacks and all. i need to go to borders. and get my secret santa a gift. and STUDY FUCK STUDY FUCK STUDY!!!!! geeze. i'm outta here.

12:10 p.m. on Thursday, December 14, 2006:

matt got into college. i don't think he realized how happy i was for him when i called last night. that's so fantastic! and! i got twelve hours or more of sleep last night. downside: my final is tomorrow in bio and i have yet to really study.

07:18 p.m. on Wednesday, December 13, 2006:

i don't want to study. i want to lay in bed all day. i want to fold my hands over my lap and smile. i want to write letters. i want to laugh. i feel like laughing and smiling.

05:14 p.m. on Wednesday, December 13, 2006:

finals. are starting. i don't mind. i guess it's a thrill. i'm not sure. a sedate thrill. i like the way my hands rest on my keyboard. i like to look at them there.

09:02 p.m. on Monday, December 11, 2006:

[editor's note: it would be kinder to draw a veil over the remainder of this quite lengthy, not to say rambling, item, which was the last one being worked on this evening before my unfortunate chem-research-related hysteria-breakdown. letters of encouragement, quatities of white chocolate and negotiable bills of exchange may be sent to me by wellwishers, who are asked, however, in the interests of my ultimate recovery, not to include their own feeble attempts to rectify the situation or lousy jokes in any letters. thank you.]

unfortunately for you, there are several things to say: i have a test tomorrow that needs twelve hours of studying. i have yet to begin. i have a power point presentation due tomorrow. i'm on slide ten. it's going to be a half an hour long presentation. currently it's not.

12:52 a.m. on Monday, December 11, 2006:

alligators and hippos. that extra quarter. bathroom breaks. no you can not have any. but thank you for bringing my ring back. evening naps are the shit.

11:34 p.m. on Sunday, December 10, 2006:

so, the two most recent emails in my inbox are from caroline and snapfish. so when i logged onto gmail, i saw the car of caroline, became dyslexic and red it cra and combined it with the pfish of snap fish and read (all together now!) "crapfish." and i sat for a moment letting this percolate. who is crapfish? then i realized what i had done. and blogged my sillyness. also, i have typed this entire entry with only one hand. yay me.

11:33 p.m. on Sunday, December 10, 2006:

i am fond of this new development. ice cream changes everything.

04:22 p.m. on Sunday, December 10, 2006:

hot times with the winschels.


i hate that you're mad at me. especially because i think you're overreacting.

02:59 p.m. on Sunday, December 10, 2006:

old-fashioned train luggage with silver bows under our charlie brown christmas tree. black 47 playing the bagpipes in the background. together creating an interesting ambiance. delsym twelve hour cough relief to my right. dextromethorphan polistirex. halls defense throat drops to my left. chapstick. everywhere. chapstick absolutely everywhere. james and the giant peach soundtrack. after an evening of love actually and confrontation. more truthfully, an evening of love actually and a morning of confrontation. peanut butter and jelly, the ultimate comfort food. and a muffin. i can't believe you ate my last piece of cantaloupe. i held out my hand, as if asking for it back. and you drooled it's sweet, orange juice right into my palm and smiled. christmas cards ordered. christmas presents wrapped under the tree and topped off with candy canes. the infamous present wrapped perfectly propped up against the seasoned-traveler's suitcase. soundtrack to my life. and a build-up of stress resulting from the lack of books on sunscreen in the library. that's tuesday. that's due tuesday. laundry finished. room clean. confrontation still hanging in the air. (and there's ash in our shoes. and there's ash in our hair. and there's a fine silt on every m antle from hell's kitchen to brooklyn) tales of narrowly averted disasters? tales of disasters. and the whiskey is flowing like never before. today is emily dickinson's birthday. happy birthday emily. i hated reading your poems in middle school. i will shower. bathe. you know. get clean. i guess there's something to say there. we can relate everything to the current situation. ongoings. we're good like that. and bad like that. london symphony orchestra. is here. hey joe. that sort of thing. showers and sunscreen await. and tomorrow will already be an improvement.

04:02 p.m. on Wednesday, December 6, 2006:

green world. bio. fail. no time. ew. but. better mood. ensues.

09:27 p.m. on Tuesday, December 5, 2006:

i am not happy. i suppose that's it. but it's not. i am happy. i'm stressed out to no end. i'm pulled thin. i'm irritable. i'm sick. i've been sick for a week and a half. nothing is making me feel better. i carry dayquil in my backpack and cough drops in all my pockets. i have a chem test tomorrow that i'd really rather sleep through. i want to go to bed now. but i can't. i have a ton of studying to do. i'm going to be up past midnight. and i don't want to be. i want to go home and sleep reasonable hours. i want this semester to be over. next semester i have even harder classes. with an even harder schedule. i really just need to vent. but vent about what? i hate venting. i feel whiny. i feel like people get irritated when other people need to vent. i know when people come to me, i'll be their ear, but i get irritated because most of the things they say are trivial. i want to say, "suck it up! stop complaining! just do it. life isn't always easy--deal with it." so i feel a little hypocritical currently as i feel like i need to vent. and yet again--vent what? i've been feeling terrible. physically and emotionally. and i suppose i feel worse because of that. i always feel guilty about not feeling well. or being, and i'm using this term loosely, mentally unstable. i hate that! i hate even suggesting that emotionally i'm not alright. because i really am. i'm fine. just fine! i'm just irritable. things haven't been going the way i've imagined. there are a few things on my mind that i don't want to admit are bothering me. these things, right now, are seriously adding up, and i really just feel like a good break down is in order. but i don't want to break down. because on the other hand, i don't think i need to. i can just keep pushing through to the end of the semester and go into a hibernation of sorts. maybe it's all the work i have. and it is. but it's also so many other things. personal things. people things. i'm not quite sure what to do here. i hardly ever feel this...lame. but i do. so i think i'll just take a break from studying after i go through one more section in my chem book. perhaps find some vapo-rub. and then get back to work. so i can go to bed early. relatively early. as early as possible. which is going to be early. but not in that sense. in the early morning range. ugh. i'm going back to work.

07:51 p.m. on Tuesday, December 5, 2006:

i know i haven't updated in awhile. give me time. final projects and all. no sleep and all. emotional stress and all. being sick and all. gilmore girls tonight. and i'm in a funk.

11:22 p.m. on Thursday, November 23, 2006:

can this be it? this is our whole vacation. and i haven't really seen anyone. also, can i mention that i have a ridiculous amount of homework i need to be doing. granted it's only eleven thirty or so, but i want to just hang out. not work. i'm so sick of working. and i'm just a first semester freshman. oh well. although i love it at home, i cant wait to go back to school. i was on the phone with josh three times yesterday. and facebooking like crazy! and. well, that's it. i just figured i'd update. perhaps more when i get back home tonight. and i can actually give you the fun-filled details of my thanksgiving break so far. including: trip to got-a-burger. bicen reunion. stop by the yearbook office. new cars. house update (i haven't been to the house yet but will most definitely go tomorrow) etc etc.

04:26 a.m. on Tuesday, November 21, 2006:

can it be that i've finally finished all of my homework assignments? is that 19-page biology test complete and perfect? is that seven page paper on the industrial and historical uses of algae complete? is that other seven page paper on algae finished? am i ready to go to bed? i claim "yes" is the correct answer to these questions.

08:37 p.m. on Saturday, November 18, 2006:

i miss caroline.

12:37 p.m. on Saturday, November 18, 2006:

so i'm sitting on the side of the road outside ravenous - the local crepe place. and we're about to go in and do bio. and somehow i have internet access. on the sidewalk. i figured i should note this momentous occasion.

02:22 a.m. on Saturday, November 18, 2006:

charlie and i did not have sex in the library!! haha. no. really. we didn't. we were studying. with josh! 19 page biology test yields working in the library. we did not know it closed early. whole story: 19 page bio test. working in library. i went to the bathroom at around ten forty. this apparently triggered an alarm because the library closed early. we were unaware. so we kept working. twenty minutes later campus po came to the library. at the same time charlie when to the bathroom. so they stopped him on his way back and yelled! "you!" anyways, long story short we all laughed in the elevator on the way down but, campus po took our names saying "don't worry you didn't do anything wrong! it's fun! don hastings (the head of campus po) will read the report and laugh because you got busted for studying! hah!" anyways, it was funny. but when we came back, we said, "guys, we got written up by campus saftey." pretending that something actually terrible had happened. apparently everyone in the dorm thought we were alluding to having sex in the library and subsequently getting caught in the act. so now the whole dorm thinks this, and it's hysterical. when in reality we were just taking a test. i'm not quite sure i should let it run its course. i've been trying to quell these rumors, but it's not really working. anyways it's hysterical and i'm going to bed.

05:59 p.m. on Thursday, November 16, 2006:

i spent the afternoon watching charade. i have a truly miserable headache. but i don't mind. i'm genuinely happy. i love classic films. and cary grant. and of course audrey, also, someone remind me i have an eye doctor's appointment january ninth.

04:06 a.m. on Thursday, November 16, 2006:

someday i will go to bed at a reasonable hour. someday i will not have a ridiculous load of homework. someday i will go to sleep the same day i woke up on. i.e. if i wake up saturday, i WILL GO TO BED ON SATURDAY! grrrrrr. i hate being a science major. I WANT TO SLEEEEEEP. i recently read that college is about three things: work, fun and sleep. but you can only do two. i think i can safely say that sleep is the one that has been rejected this evening. this morning. this fucking fucking morning. whatevs. i'm going to bed. i'm not going to eat the ramen. i'm not going to watch american pie 2 with you. WE (in the general yet singular relating solely to me...of course that was understood) are going to bed. like now.

09:45 p.m. on Wednesday, November 15, 2006:

and just in case you're an annoying critic, i know that rite of spring is stravinsky and not vivaldi. when i started typing, it was winter. when i was ending, it changed to rite of spring. jeeeeeze buddy.

04:18 p.m. on Wednesday, November 15, 2006:

coffee, vivaldi, tetracycline, kanamycin, wrap sweaters, window seats. i need to finish my lab. the fire alarm went off while i was in the shower today. they were just testing the sprinklers. but i was not aware. i hopped out, dried off hastily, and ran outside. in less than a minute. but there was no drill. so i hopped back into the shower. and the alarm went off again. i did not get out of the shower. even after it sounded at least a dozen times. i remained in my watery haven. away from the flashing lights and vulgar sirens. now i leave it to the rite of spring to focus me back to my bio lab. or put me into a savory slumber. hopefully the coffee will counteract this second option and keep me working. although one can never be completely sure.

10:23 p.m. on Tuesday, November 14, 2006:

my chem class is finally up! which means it's been approved! which means i can take a chem class next semester! just in time too! now where did those lucky charms go?

10:13 p.m. on Tuesday, November 14, 2006:

well, so they got married. hmm. we all know there's no way that's going to pan out well. and caroline is swimming in neon orange condoms. tomorrow we pick out our classes. pah. uninterested currently.

07:53 p.m. on Tuesday, November 14, 2006:

gilmore girls brings joy to an otherwise dreary day. dreary. meaning take exam at eight, return to wilmarth lounge at nine, pass out on couch at nine o five. and wake up at five thirty when charlie sits upon your back and explains you need to go to dinner at six fifteen. an eight hour nap on the couch. missing the whole dreary day. discussions on shower curtains through the email and whether or not god can multitask by watching gilmore girls and answering prayers at the same time. and a blank word document where eventually a biology lab will come into being. but not today. not on rex manning day.

06:37 p.m. on Monday, November 13, 2006:

i am in a foul mood. truly foul. as in, get out of my fucking face, foul. as in, shut the fuck up and leave me alone, foul. as in, go learn the fucking notes by yourself, foul. as in, he's still sitting here driving me up the fucking wall, foul. as in, i hate the way you wiggle your toes when you read, foul. as in, i hate the way you turn in your feet when you sit like that foul. as in, i'm in a truly foul mood, foul.

12:35 p.m. on Sunday, November 12, 2006:

last night was a flurry of high heels, dark jeans, make-up and purses. gerry in a little dress, sarah in her black blazer, my silver high heels, camden's jeans, josh's dress shirt, dan's sweater. us in our finery for a night out on the town. in reality we just drove down broadway and then stopped at quiznos. which was, in the long run, more fun.

this morning brought cashmere turtlenecks, coffee, crepes and used book stores. after breakfast at ravenous, we stopped by next door to smell and pet the books. back now. returning to the chaos of work and study. and yet, the cashmere and crepes keep me on a continuous crusade for lazy mornings: curled up in flannel sheets the color of sunshine. sitting in the window seat reading and watching others carry out their morning chores. the new york times scattered about on the floor. sunday is my favorite day. perhaps to celebrate a nap is in order.

11:03 a.m. on Saturday, November 11, 2006:

so who wants to go with me to Reykjavik for the sugarcubes' one night reunion concert? i guess it's the twentieth reunion of birthday. wow! can you imagine seeing bjork in concert? in iceland? awesome.

09:32 a.m. on Thursday, November 9, 2006:

shit. my headaches are back. i used to get these weird searing pains that would localize on the left side of my head right near my temple. and they would build up for a few seconds and then shoot out across the entire left side of my head. they would throb like that for a few seconds and then go away. and that would repeat a few times a day. and i'm starting to get them again. i just had one. they're paralyzing. but only for a few seconds and they don't really hurt afterwards. i hope it's just a normal headache thing and not something weird or serious.

11:29 p.m. on Wednesday, November 8, 2006:

my dad burned the rice. whoops! and is getting surgery? hmm. and i need to do work and stop reading this damned book and watching kids. despite the fact that it's a great movie, i really have a lot to do other that sit around and watch thirteen year olds get aids.

06:42 p.m. on Wednesday, November 8, 2006:

To get a better idea try this: focus on these words, and whatever you do don't let your eyes wander past the perimeter of this page. Now imagine just beyond your peripheral vision, maybe behind you, maybe to the side of you, maybe even in front of you, but right where you can't see it, something is quietly closing in on you, so quiet in fact you can only hear it as silence. Find those pockets without sound. That's where it is. Right at this moment. But don't look. Keep your eyes here. Now take a deep breath. Go ahead take an even deeper one. Only this time as you start to exhale try to imagine how fast it will happen, how hard it's gonna hit you, how many times it will stab your jugular with its teeth or are they nails?, don't worry, that particular detail doesn't matter, because before you have time to even process that you should be moving, you should be running, you should at the very least be flinging up your arms--you sure as hell should be getting rid of this book--you wouldn't have time to even scream.

i'm reading it again.

10:23 a.m. on Wednesday, November 8, 2006:

good morning!
one: they will not be getting married. she must say no.
two: my grandmother is getting married? what?
three: we're getting an audi? and a prias? really?
four: birtrum the cricket. ah yes.
five: i am so stressed out.
six: i'm glad i found those nice warm grates. even if it was raining.

that is all.

09:10 p.m. on Monday, November 6, 2006:

i concur: a series changes horses and the ride gets bumpy.

05:39 p.m. on Monday, November 6, 2006:

I'm a science genius girl
I won the science fair
I wear a white lab coat
DNA strands in my hair

When I clone a human being
It will want to hold my hand
When I clone a human being
It will be a member of my band
It will be a member of my band
It will be a member of my band

Scientific method girl
The theorems speak to me
Microscope is in my hand
Times 1, times 2, times3

When I clone a human being
It will want to hold my hand
When I clone a human being
It will be a member of my band
It will be a member of my band
It will be a member of my band

1 point 61803398874989484204586834365

Measure out the chemicals
Safety goggles on my eyes
Turn the bunsen burner on
My creation comes alive

I have cloned a human being
It is here and holds my hand
I have cloned a human being
It is now a member of my band
It is now a member of my band
It is now a member of my band
I have cloned a human being
It is here and holds my hand
I have cloned a human being
It is now a member of my band

05:05 p.m. on Monday, November 6, 2006:

exhausted. i took a two hour nap before lab, and we finished lap half an hour early. titration labs are so easy. jeeze. it was only a setup lab for next week though. don't think that titration is the hardest stuff we do in chem. wouldn't that be awesome! and the answers for our chem test were posted and i only got one wrong. so a 95. which is much better than the last test where the highest score anyone got was a 60. sarah's watching a movie in the library for class and isn't getting out until seven or so. so now i'm just going to putz around, clean things and get some homework done before dinner. and i need to mail my letters!

01:51 p.m. on Sunday, November 5, 2006:

i've slept 19 out of the past 24 hours. plus the two cups of coffee i just downed. but i'm exhausted. i really just want to take a nap. but i can't. because i have to do my calc homework and studdy for my chem test. but after that. maybe.

10:25 a.m. on Sunday, November 5, 2006:

wow. i openned up my internet browser, and because my homepage is set to the nytimes web site, the first thing i saw this morning was, "Saddam Hussein Is Sentenced to Death." not what i expected this morning.

03:39 p.m. on Friday, November 3, 2006:

AURORA! I'M SO EXCITED! i'm sitting next to a rhode islander. so i started yelling. and then told him about what connecticut did in 2000 and how twenty-thousand plus ex-felons regained the right to vote. although, he didn't know what disenfranchise meant. whatever. i'm still excited. and i explained why that's good! but he doesn't really understand anyway. but initially he said "Good!" to disenfranchising the felons. but now he understands. he sees the light. i hope anyway. i told him to call his family and friends and alert them. maybe we can do something about it!!!

12:45 a.m. on Thursday, November 2, 2006:

jackson 5, michael jackson, save ferris, foxtrot, cocoa rosie, blackalicious, dirty on purpose. these are the names i must remember.

10:58 p.m. on Wednesday, November 1, 2006:

trip to case to find free hot chocolate proved fruitless. despite this failure, the crisp air coupled with the finale from the accents' jam in the lounge was better in the long run. returning to wilmarth and engaging in an e-mail correspondence regarding paint colors for the house is further fueling my good mood. even further by the playlist oscillating between the jazz divas and brandenburgs. Although my contentment is subsequently decreased when i put on my realist hat and determine if i continue discussing paint colors i wont sleep much tonight because of my horrific workload from biology. ah well. the paint chips win. that's like comparing two pair to a royal flush. paint chips always win.

03:19 p.m. on Wednesday, November 1, 2006:

millions of people swarming the bio lab means i can't get in to finish my pure culture. and bacteria grow quickly so time is of the essence. yet no dice. instead i shall write thank you notes in the window seat. it's a beautiful day. earlier sarah and i sat out on the steps drinking tea and discussing life in general. there's a little tree with big red berries on it right near the stairs which reminds us of perfect autumns. behind this tree are other little trees with bright yellow leaves. it's so nice here. this good cheer is further increased by the flannel sheets that are now on my bed. sunshine. caroline has her flannel sheets on too, but they're red, so her bed is like christmas. mine is like sunshine. i think i'll study tonight. i started working in my room much more because it's so much cleaner than the lounge. so now i'm seeing less of my friends. but am in a better mood as i get to lay on flannel sheets most of the day. which is a fantastic improvement to the couches in the lounge.

01:41 p.m. on Monday, October 30, 2006:

"For never was a story of more woe/ Than this of baby Juliet and her Baby Romeo."
"I'm sorry?"
"Star-cross'd babies!"

maybe I should finish my chem lab that's due in half an hour. Maybe.

03:39 a.m. on Monday, October 30, 2006:

i'm still not done with this god damned lab. but i'm going to bed anyway. good thing we get this extra hour. because technically my body thinks it's almost five. wow. i might as well just stay up now and finish it. but i'm a bit tired. well, a lot tired. and i need my sleep.

01:14 a.m. on Monday, October 30, 2006:

i feel like one of those horses that has a carrot dangling in front of them to make them work harder and push forward. and i wonder if those horses think they'll ever get that carrot. if only they go a little further. CARROT! jeeze. i am in no mood for such carrot dangling. it's distracting me from getting any work done at all. you should have watched how i walked up the stairs today. hah. carrots suck.

12:16 a.m. on Monday, October 30, 2006:

I'm resisting the urge to blog another, "FUCK" entry. Although that's about how I'm feeling. For different reasons now. I have a chem lab due tomorrow. Partially completed. But lots of work is still required. and a calc test tomorrow. on sinh and cosh. UGH completely useless math applications. And I have hit an all time low for motivation. I fell out of a chair because I was too unmotivated to hold myself upright. So I laid on the floor of josh's room for half an hour doing nothing.

01:39 p.m. on Friday, October 27, 2006:

um, fuck?

02:04 a.m. on Thursday, October 26, 2006:

also we watched amelie tonight. and it was fantastic. and put me in a much better mood.

02:02 a.m. on Thursday, October 26, 2006:

wow, i can't believe i finished that so quickly. i'm going to bed NOW! because i have to go to class at EIGHT! which sucks A LOT! and is NOT FAIR! grrrr. also, Bill Clinton is coming to town tomorrow. ho hum. in class. can't go. boo hoo. etc etc. also...i need to go to bed!

05:41 p.m. on Wednesday, October 25, 2006:

um, no? not at all? what? um, no? let's not do that, okay? first of all, what the fuck are you going to do about periodic trends? "starting with hydrogen, circle out in a clockwise fashion to increase electron affinity." whatever lame-o scientists. whatever. second of all, how much would it cost to reprint every single science textbook EVER? plus all the really big posters in science classrooms. plus, what the fuck is that? also, i don't want my kids learning science on some crack-head's periodic table. how about the one mendeleev created in 1869? how about staying with what works. just because the f-block is stuck at the bottom. whatever. i'm grumpy about this. you wouldn't even get to call it the periodic table anymore. the periodic spiral? what? no, lame.

04:59 p.m. on Wednesday, October 25, 2006:

i got ferngully for my birthday. i've watched it. and all the special features today. and we're watching it again tonight. because everyone wants to. now i'm listening to the soundtrack. i didn't go to calc lab because i didn't want to. and i was watching fern gully. and i know math, i don't need a supplemental hour to tell me what a derivative is. i think i'll take a nap now and avoid doing the two labs and pre-lab that i have due tomorrow

07:51 p.m. on Tuesday, October 24, 2006:

i'm glad gilmore girls is on tonight. and i'm glad i can actually go to bed early tonight. because i don't feel like really doing anything tonight. maybe i'll do some math homework. maybe i'll just sleep.

03:07 p.m. on Sunday, October 22, 2006:

The Methodist Church, at an altitude of 687 feet above sea level, shows the highest percentage of cyanogenic clovers at 20% as compared to the percentage of cyanogenic clovers at the Skidmore College Tennis Courts, which is 7.5% at 300 feet above sea level. As temperature decreases 1.98°C per each 1000ft increase in elevation, the atmospheric temperature at Lake Desolation should be an average of 3.15°C lower than that at the Tennis Courts. This change in temperature has not only failed to produce the anticipated cline, but a completely conflicting cline. This can be explained because cyanogenesis at the methodist church must be high in order to fend off the crazy church-goers. HCN must have been produced as a defence mechanism because of the increased population in religious-crazies.

02:02 a.m. on Sunday, October 22, 2006:

i've definitely been awake for more than thirty-six hours straight. which means i'm most likely going to sleep through tomorrow. but oh i need to study. and i need to call matt. i almost did tonight but i told myself to focus, finish my bio lab and then call. and what do you know, i'm not done yet and it's two in the morning. a little late for a night-time phone call. i kind of which i could communicate telepathically. that would be so much freaking easier. this weekend sucked. everyone broke up this weekend. everyone. so everyone's swamped in homework and miserable because their personal lives have gone to hell in a handbasket. hopefully things will get better. and hopefully i'll pass the bio test tuesday. and hopefully i'll get all my work done on time in a kick-ass fashion. i'm in such a mood that my friends keep asking me where i want to go for my birthday and i think i've decided i'm going to do homework until gilmore girls, watch it, and then go to sleep. because i think i owe an early night to myself. and what better night to treat oneself than a birthday! sounds like a plan to me. so, tomorrow: sleep! (that's important) and call matt (that's equally important. although i wish it wasn't.) and finish bio lab. and STUDY for bio test. also: i have a single this weekend because sarah's out of town and it ROCKS! i want a single so badly. not because i don't like sarah (of course not) just because having a single is perfect! it's so quiet. and so personal. and it's the perfect retreat after a terrible day. and you don't have to deal with anyone else. awesome. anyways i need to sleep. now.

02:01 p.m. on Saturday, October 21, 2006:

i just woke up. and i have a terrible stomach ache. i think it would be good for me to get out of bed and walk around a bit, but i think i'm just going to roll over and fall back asleep. this has been a crap weekend. and it will only continue to become crappier. and lead into a crap week. maybe i can just sleep through the whole week and hope all of my worries subside and all my troubles go away. wouldn't that be nice.

03:12 a.m. on Saturday, October 21, 2006:

my legs hurt. and i'm conflicted. and stuck working on this bio lab until all hours. here's my conflict, well, here's a very true statement: i'm a terrible girlfriend in long-distance relationships. although i can pass this week of awful-ness on having mono and sleeping all day, thus not picking up the phone whenever matt calls. because i obviously don't answer anyone's calls. but when i'm awake, i should call him. but i don't. and when i'm awake, most of the time i don't think about him. so, here's my query: why should i ruin his senior year by wasting his time by being a terrible girlfriend. i need to call him the next time i'm awake and talk to him about this. i know he's going to say he doesn't mind that we're so far away. but i know he does. and i know he doesn't want to admit that it's not working. and also it's not working because it's my fault. for some reason though, i just can't deal with a long-distance relationship. i'm so busy i just don't have time. it's not just the half-hour a day to make a phone call, it's having a constant awareness that we're still dating. i'm afraid to say i think it would be better if we broke up because i don't want him to get upset. i think a lot of it is because he's a great boyfriend, and he hasn't done anything wrong, it's just not a feasable relationship. at least with me. maybe it would work with some other girl. or maybe if we had started dating earlier in the summer. i know it's silly to relate this to facebook right now, but i feel like this (currently non-existant but implied) status of an open-relationship is bullshit. i really don't want to call him up and say something lame like, "I want to talk to you, are you busy?" Because whenever anyone gets upset i get upset, and when i get upset i tend to cry and become completley incoherent so i'm not quite sure how that would go. and i loved the summer. and i hope i can convey that. but i really don't feel right being committed to something so sporadic and far away. i feel like i need to say very clearly that we shoul djust be friends from now on. and i feel like i should thank him for being such a great guy, because i'm not sure he knows, and i think he should know that he's a great guy and a great boyfriend. i want to still be friendly of course. i don't want this to blow up and become some ridiculous never-ending fight where we can never make eye contact ever again. maybe i'm making this harder than it is? i just see no sense in carrying on something that only happens every other month for the four days that I'm in Connecticut. But i think he will fight me on this because whenever i tell him i'm getting doubtful that this is going to work, he always convinces me otherwise, telling me that it won't take too much time to call every other day, and that he'll come up and i'll go down. but when i sit here and reason it out on my own, it just doesn't add up. it may sound silly, or impossible, but i just don't have time for it. i don't have time for him to come up and see me. as of now, with mono, i'm up doing my bio lab at three thirty in the morning. and i'm sure you're familiar with my ridiculous work load that i post every single time i blog. i also think if there was time, and this was supposed to work, i would call him. i would be more motivated to make this work. and i'm not. i just can't do it. i haven't put any effort into this relationship since i've been to college. i barely have time to sleep here let alone make a relationship work. even my friends here, most of whom are dating amongst eachother are completley stressed from their relationships because they don't have time to make them work the way they should. (i think this weekend will go down in infamy as "the break-up weekend.") and with the extra energy required to have a long-distance relationship it's downright impossible. i hope when i/if i try to explain this to him, he doesn't fight me on it. because i think it might be hard for him to understand the atmosphere i'm living in. or i'm afraid he may think i want to break-up because i've found someone else. because that's not true. i don't think a relationship freshman year is feasable at all. i haven't seen a single one work out so far. we were talking about this when i went home in september, and i asked him if he really thought this would work, because i was certainly doubtful. and explained to him that he's going to go to college too. and then this is going to be impossible. i remember him saying, "yeah, but the summer is going to be incredible if we can make it." and it would be, i guess. but is that just the sex-obsesed teenager talking there? seriously, if you pooled a million highschool senior boys and said, would you date a college girl and remain relatively faithful to her despite a sucky relationship if you could have an awesome sex-filled summer, they'd say hell yes! i've been thinking about this for a few days, but today it really struck me when caroline told me he asked for my address to send me a birthday present. because i eventually need to tell him that this is how i feel and i won't change my mind, but i feel like i need to do it really soon because i don't want him to send me a birthday present and have me call a day later with the "we need to talk" chat. because then i would seem like i've held out to get a present and then broken it off. and i don't want to have to deal with that or wonder what i should do with it. after writing all this i regret it a little. i don't at all because i've definitely made up my mind that i'm a terrible long-distance girlfriend and that this really isn't working out and it's not going to, no matter how much either of us want it to. but i do because i think he reads this. which in a sense would be good because then he'd know how i feel without me calling and trying to choke it out while crying. because it definitely wouldn't come out right. but it's so impersonal. i know i should call him. i know. i need to. but i have so much homework on my mind and so much academic stress which is more important for my focus than anything else, i don't want to have to deal with this this weekend. it would be great if i just got a text saying something like, "i read your blog. and i'm really upset. which i'm sure you could have guessed. but i do understand what you mean. and although i don't want to admit it because it means this is basically over, but i know this isn't working either. and i hate that. but i know it, and will try to accept it." best case scenario. but eventually i'll call him. and explain this to hin. in the mean time, i need to get my work done and think about this later.

07:57 p.m. on Thursday, October 19, 2006:

(The brown derbies singing sexual healing may be the best thing that's ever happened to me)

I need to go to the store. We need food. Among other things.

just now I turned to Charlie and said, "I really should get back to work." and he replied, "Yes you should. I’m planning on staying up until four in the morning working and you need to also otherwise I will classify you as a slacker. and as a slacker, you will not get good grades, you will not graduate, you will not go to med school, you will not get a job as a doctor, you will not be able to sustain yourself, thus no one will love you, you will not get married, you will die old, alone and uneducated because just one night you didn't stay up to all hours finishing your homework." his point being obvious of course, but I still feel like I should get back to work. I have so much to do! and I don't have time for lying on the couch and drumming on my stomach.

I spent five minutes watching discovery health channel in josh's room watching some motorcyclist break both his legs and get surgery. that was my break. why do science majors have so much to do? and also so close to my birthday. we're hosting a girl on the twenty-third. and I have a test the twenty-fourth. and all the other shit I listed last post. I know it's getting repetitive, but this is what is on my mind.

Further more, I really hate the coffee sizes at Starbucks. At burgess we have small, medium and large. What happened to that? This irks me. Because the only reason they changed from small-medium-large is to make the consumer think they are getting more coffee. Which they’re not. The cups have actually decreased in size, yet calling small tall, and medium grande and tall venti makes us subconsciously think, “hey! This four dollar cup of coffee is worth it because it’s a tall” yet it’s what, five ounces of coffee? Not cool Starbucks. Not cool.

Also, mail. Today I got a lot of mail. Exciting? Yes. I got a letter from my dad saying, “I didn’t want you to be like Charlie Brown. Enjoy.” And it was the comics section of the Connecticut Post. (The Charlie Brown strip revolved around him not receiving any mail.) I also got my threadless shirt today! Particle man. Yes. I also got a bright pink piece of paper with a wiggly octopus on it, under which it said “It’s coming!” Not quite sure what that was about.

And, Caroline, I know you hate ALW and you think POTO is one of the worst ever written, but I LOVE IT! (I definitely just typed out all of the lyrics of All I Ask of You as it was playing but it was a little too weird to post. Especially because I just referenced you and “Anywhere you go let me go to, love me, that’s all I ask of you,” is a little weird for me to blog. Even about you. No offense. NEXT SONG! She’s got a way about her. BEST SEQUENCE EVER!

10:58 a.m. on Wednesday, October 18, 2006:

ugh. that's how i feel. gilmore girls stressed me out. and on top of it, this is what i have to do for homework: Chemistry Lab, Chemistry Problem Set (Which is a take-home test), ANOTHER Cheistry Problem Set, Biology Lab, ANOTHER Biology Lab, Biology Prelab, Biology Worksheet, Black Cloud (which consisted of reading a book and writting a report), Study for Biology Test TUESDAY, read four chapters in Green World Text Book, type up Green World notes, outline Chemistry Chapter Seven, three ordinary calc homework assignments, make up calc lab. there's probably more because who the hell can remember to do all of that? AND THIS FREAKING WEEK! i'm going to die. i need tea.

10:26 p.m. on Tuesday, October 17, 2006:

i love talking to caroline on the phone. and i love my new black flats. and i FUCKING HATE how much work i have to do right now! RAAAAH.

03:09 p.m. on Tuesday, October 17, 2006:

"provides amazing comfort with its soft rubber for hours of enjoyment!"

01:49 p.m. on Monday, October 16, 2006:

"this is not porn. it is simply an appreciation of nipple rings."

i don't have calc lab this wednesday. which is awesome because then i can sleep. we also have no classes friday because it's study day. which is also awesome. because i still have a ton of work to do. and now i have all the data for my bio lab which means i can start that tonight. do the math homework. do the bio readings. type up my green world notes. and figure out my honors project topic. glue? fire extinguishers? bullet-proof vests? hah. no. although i can't quite come up with anything better.

02:59 a.m. on Monday, October 16, 2006:

So after a week of sleeping I’m back to my old self. I mean, I’m exhausted. But yet again I am up at three working. Which makes me feel really content with myself. I read an entire book today. And completed the writing assignment that went in conjunction with the reading. I’ve caught up on the math homework I’ve missed, and did that rather thoroughly I might add. I’ve done the chem problems for the chapters we completed in class that I missed and I subsequently read those chapters. Now, I have yet to do the clover lab or the required readings for bio, but neither of these things is particularly important to complete immediately and I can only do so much in one night. I’m tempted to start the bio reading, or perhaps get a little further ahead in the chem reading because we're starting quantum mechanics, which could be one of my favorite parts of chemistry. But, I think perhaps it would be best if I went to sleep. I do have mono after all. And it is very hard to keep awake. I’m struggling between my excitement and motivation for getting all this work on (it's like a natural Adderall) and having mono and thusly being exhausted and generally feeling heavy, like I could topple over any minute and fall fast asleep. Unfortunately for the mono side, Architecture in Helsinki is not letting me feel particularly tired in the least. I have noted, however, that immediately following these songs, after they have finally turned off at the end of the playlist, I become increasingly exhausted. But as soon as I start it up again, I’m back to my normal productive self. Thank goodness for upbeat music in the middle of the night! And herein lies my dilemma: keep the music going, stay up, get ahead, and be truly content with the only adverse effects being an utterly exhausted mind and body next morning when I go to chem class for the first time in a week, OR go to bed now feeling relatively content at my progress for the evening and be only slightly exhausted. As of now, I’m sitting in the lounge, blogging obviously, and now that jet is playing, I feel no need to sleep. So I’m just going to turn up the music and start reading about quantum physics. Because who needs sleep? Especially when one has mono. Sleep = absolutely unnecessary at this point.

10:18 a.m. on Saturday, October 14, 2006:

so akhil knows who i am. HE KNOWS WHO I AM! AKHIL REED AMAR KNOWS ME! I went to see his lecture in Gannett last night and afterwards at the reception I got him to sign a poster about him. And he asked my name. So, i told him. and he KNEW MY NAME! and he said, "Oh! Gracie from Trumbull. You're on the debate team there. How did that end up going?" OH MY GOD! so i told him. obviously. anyways, he signed my poster, put a name with the face, and thinks I'm AMAZING. and i am completely in love. and he knows who I am.

also we have coffee. real coffee.

also, boys banging on the door for half an hour at two thirty in the morning is scary. in case you were wondering. pretty scary.

11:24 p.m. on Thursday, October 12, 2006:

grrr. i'm frustrated. and i think i'm going to apply for hc next semester to get a single. and! i made it through lab today. granted i was sitting the whole time. even while pipetting chlorophorm. but whatever, who uses their legs anyway? not it. so i'm eating fritos and listening to tom jones at a ridiculous level. but i think i'm off to bed soon. parents are coming tomorrow! must clean up desk. room is clean. well, my side of the room is clean. so whatever. i'm still frustrated.

03:54 p.m. on Thursday, October 12, 2006:

No algebra or triginomitry
Could never equal up to what you do to me
So let's intergrate
Don't differentiate
If you were in my class
There ain't no way I could pass
I hate English, Gym,
And not to mention
I can't even afford to pay my attention
No philosophy could ever come between us
But we've always got our calculus
U, plus sign, me, equals sign, us.

07:34 p.m. on Wednesday, October 11, 2006:

i ordered the particle man shirt. why? because i had to of course!

02:57 p.m. on Wednesday, October 11, 2006:

the skidmore email site is down. and i need to email my calc professor and tell him i didn't come to class because i'm sick. and i need to tell him that i'm not going to lab either. and i need to stop feeling like this. i've been asleep since ten last night, woke up at eight to try to go to chem, decide that's not going to work, go right back to sleep and wake up at two. so i ate something and now i'm exhausted! i'm so sick of being sick!

09:10 p.m. on Tuesday, October 10, 2006:

i can't believe i'm sick. i slept all day. health services says i either have strep or mono and will get the test results back in a few days. i got up to watch gilmore girls but i'm exausted so now i'm going back to bed. great, two and a half waking hours today. sounds like mono to me. but it feels like, and my throat looks like strep. wouldn't it suck if i had both? anyways, i must get better because my parents are coming up this weekend. and i really want to be on my feet rather than still sleeping all day. i'm wondering if i can go to class tomorrow. i'm still contageous. so i dont think i should go. and i really don't want to go. but i have to. we're only allowed three absenses so i feel like i should go because this will be my second absense in chem. but only my first absense in math. but i have lab tomorrow also for calc. we'll see i guess. i didn't go to any classes at all today. i just slept. but hey! i got an A on my green world exam!

12:29 p.m. on Monday, October 9, 2006:

Fuck. is really all i have to say. i can't believe i spent the weekend holding my roomates head over a toilet rather than studying for my chem test. because i definitely failed. well, the whole class failed. not like that makes it any better. at least i killed my math test and got an A otherwise i'd drop out of college. too bad chem is my major. whoops!

06:56 a.m. on Monday, October 9, 2006:

i got two hours of sleep last night. i think that is the record of the week. for the most sleep in one night. i'm so TIRED! but tonight will be my last night of no sleep because i have to write a paper on algae. and this morning i have a chem test and i didn't study. and i'm definitely screwed. my chem class has been exchanging emails about it on how none of us did our labs due today (i did though!) and how none of us have studied and i just realized after i sent an email about how i haven't even picked up the book to study that the whole time our teacher was on the recipient list for the emails. can you say FUCK? because i did. hahaha. i'm so tired it's not funny. at all. i need sleep! but i'm going to study a bit first. two hours before the test!

04:50 p.m. on Saturday, October 7, 2006:

who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?
DON'T FUCK AROUND WE KNOW IT WAS YOU!

i have slept five hours in the past four days. but at least i'm listening to chan chan.

11:32 a.m. on Monday, October 2, 2006:

bio test tuesday. plant bio test thursday. calculus test friday. chem test monday. bio lab due friday. chem lab due monday. algae paper due next tuesday. please shoot me.

07:39 a.m. on Friday, September 29, 2006:

i'm a little tired after that, i'm not going to lie. this was the first night here i didn't sleep in my bed. and, i'm a little bit tired. anyways, i need to pack for going home! yes!

08:00 p.m. on Thursday, September 28, 2006:

"So you're going out on Friday night and you're like, 'Hey, where's Jim?' and you find him by himself in a dark closet. 'Hey, you wanna go out?' 'No, sorry. I can't go out right now, I'm proof-reading my sperm.' "

"And let me tell you, when you put 'primate penis' into google, you come up with some pretty crazy things."

02:56 p.m. on Wednesday, September 27, 2006:

why am i so tired today? i got a reasonable amount of sleep. and i've only had two classes. i still have my calc lab. i have so much work to do but i keep falling asleep. i guess when i was doing my calc homework downstairs i fell asleep with my pencil still poised for writing. apparently it was funny but i missed it--i was asleep. maybe i'll go get some coffee. the caffeine plus the walk will do me good.

12:37 p.m. on Wednesday, September 27, 2006:

the cleaning lady is blasting billy joel.
today i got a hug.

04:36 p.m. on Tuesday, September 26, 2006:

that's it. i quit. i quit quit quit quit quit quit quit boys. why? because they all have feelings. i know that sounds harsh and horrible because everyone has feelings. but boys suddenly seem way too clingy for my needs. entirely. fixated, really. how about this: GET A LIFE. wow do i feel mean. but really, why does this happen?

02:03 p.m. on Tuesday, September 26, 2006:

gilmore girls! tonight! TONIGHT!

10:44 a.m. on Tuesday, September 26, 2006:

i didn't go to my seminar this morning. cheifly because i didn't want to. but also because i woke up late and i think i might have picked up a little bit of the stomach bug sarah had. oh well.

05:29 p.m. on Monday, September 25, 2006:

i'm in such a good mood. life in general is good. i'm not quite sure how anyone could be unhappy here. it's a perfect perfect day. nate just got my roomate flowers. because he felt badly for freaking out. and she talked to him about it. nice nice guy.

12:43 a.m. on Monday, September 25, 2006:

i'm brilliant. end of story. it took me more than four hours! but i did it. i'm done. i'm smart. and i'm done.
HELL YES.

06:48 p.m. on Sunday, September 24, 2006:

why didn't sarah tell me we had brownies in the fridge?

06:44 p.m. on Sunday, September 24, 2006:

i've misplaced my red headband and this distresses me.

i'm stressed out about this chemistry test. People keep calling me--about a fourth of my class--and asking if i can help them. and, i'd love to, but i can't ! it's against the honor code. and it says clearly on the first page that you can't consult any other kids in the class or the professor about it before it's due. i feel really mean, and like a goody-goody, but i really don't want to get expelled my freshman year for teaching chemistry.

in other news: i have a job! i'm tutoring at the local highschool in math! i'm so pumped it's unbelievable.

01:58 p.m. on Sunday, September 24, 2006:

samiya popped into my head today.

11:24 a.m. on Sunday, September 24, 2006:

i'm up! finally. and sarah and i are cleaning our room today. and working. but ho! what's this? oh! a deluge! a monsoon! oh goodness! I'm sitting in the windowseat with the window wide open enjoying the rain. and we're listening to the postal serivce which makes it that much better. i love our windowseat. not only can we enjoy and smell and feel the rain, but people wave at us. charlie and i think lauren just walked by. the rain is letting up. we need to clean and go to breakfast. well, i guess lunch. we should stop going to bed at three so we wake up at a normal hour the next morning. anyways, i'm off to smell the rain, clean our room, finish the bio lab, take that chem test which i hear is ridiculously hard that i should have taken yesterday. oh and spend more time with my friend algae.

02:14 a.m. on Saturday, September 23, 2006:

so, you're saying i'm fat.



hahahahahaha

01:37 p.m. on Friday, September 22, 2006:

I screamed. Maybe I was letting out some stress. But when I hung up the phone I definitely screamed. That was so freaking difficult! I have no idea why that was so hard. I’m coming home next week and I’ve got some much work I don't think I can even sleep this weekend. I just don't understand what's so hard about that. I really don’t. And now I’m in a bad mood. And I can't really work when I’m in a bad mood. So now I need to distract myself really quickly so I can go to the library and do some hella research on algae.

in other news, some kid from my calc class invited me home with him this weekend. That wasn't awkward or anything. Nope. He’s a member at Waterbury cc, and he didn't believe me I don't think when I told him my clubs had been incinerated. Also that I don't even remember what his name is, and that it would be a little early for me to come home with him for a weekend.

I hate boys. I’m making an executive decision: I’m going to become a lesbian.

GRRRR!!!

12:19 p.m. on Friday, September 22, 2006:

i have to admit, nick passing out in the grass at two in the morning after throwing up at least twice made me a little nervous. maybe if i went to bed before three am some nights i wouldn't have to witness this. but after a half hour nap he was ready to go again. dan's grandparents came today. while i was still in his room making matty's bed and folding laundry for matty and nick. his grandmother asked if i was their roomate. she seemed shocked i was in there and at the idea that they could have female-male roomates. but i informed her that no, i didn't live there, despite the fact that i spend more time in their room than my own. i suppose if you combine the time i spend in their room with the time i spend in nate, matt and peter's room it would be a huge majority of my day. now that i'm done with classes i have SO MUCH HOMEWORK! and we rented five movies for the weekend. and i guess matt's still coming tomorrow but i have so much work i'm worried i won't be able to pay any attention to him at all. and i'd feel really badly making him come up all the way for basically nothing. especially because i'm coming home the next week. maybe he can come up some other time. i'm just thinking even though i really want to see him, i can see him next weekend at home and show him the campus when i have more time. but that sucks because i've been looking forward to this all week. i should stop blogging and get started on some work. i don't think i'm going to have fun at all this weekend. i know i'll still be up until three, but it will be working. AHHHH! i'm feeling stressed.

10:28 a.m. on Wednesday, September 20, 2006:

happy birthday?

"she's cute."
"i'm aware."

i got the last poptart in the machine.
baby when the lights go out, i'll show you what it's all about.
we have to stop having so much fun. i don't think we're supposed to be this happy our freshman year.
ugh. my going home schedule is turning into a mess. i was planning on going next weekend. not this one, but next. but the harvest festival is this sunday and i REALLY want to come home for that. but we're going out to dinner this friday and matt's coming up saturday. so maybe i could come home and see him at home. because his parents don't want him coming up anyway for whatever reason. or we could just bump his visiting to the next weekend? ugh. i don't know. i just know i really want to be there for the harvest festival on sunday. or maybe he could come up saturday and bring me home on saturday! and then i could spend a night with my family and a day with matt and i could come home for the harvest festival. and maybe still go home the next weekend? or maybe that would be excessive. i like that last idea, though.

10:01 a.m. on Wednesday, September 20, 2006:

so the fire alarm just went off in the academic wing. we were in dana for chemistry but if the alarm goes off it goes through dana, harder, palamountain, bolton--everything. i guess it's cool we got out of class five minutes early, but we were having so much fun! we got our tests back and i got a 47/50. which isn't bad at all. especially considering the three points i got off were in the same section (different problems--one point each) for the same thing. when i was doing out oxidation numbers, if the number was positive, i didn't bother writing in the positive. negatives had negatives but positives were just numbers. and i got a point off for each of that. which is cool. because that means i didn't mess up or do anything stupid. or forget how to do chemistry. huzzah for that! i'm in such a good mood.

08:30 a.m. on Wednesday, September 20, 2006:

so charlie's horriscope came true--he's a grandmother. he helped that girl bring her suitcase up the stairs, but more importantly, i'm sick and he's assisting in preventing that from getting worse. i've finally finished that bottle of vitamin water. (it's just water but he had a packet of vitamin stuff that had 1,111% of the vitamin c i need in a day and i poured that in, shook it up and drank it.) i think i'm feeling better this morning. i fell asleep downstairs and he yelled at me and told me to go to bed. that was at about eleven thirty i think. that's my earliest night so far--usually i'm up until two or three. tonight's going to be a long night. because of the bio lab. i'm done with the prelab for the next one. and i've done most of the calculations, but i still have to answer all those questions and type it all up. i need to get out of bed now, because i have class in half an hour and it's a ten minute walk to get to harder hall.

04:58 p.m. on Tuesday, September 19, 2006:

"Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant." -- Cary Grant

04:47 p.m. on Monday, September 18, 2006:

who finished chem lab an hour early because they are ridiculously awesome? ME! yeyah. an hour early! that's so awesome.

what you know about that? i know all about that.

01:19 p.m. on Monday, September 18, 2006:

i can't believe i have to make it through a three hour lab. going to bed at five in the morning is not always a responsible decision when you have major class the next day.
the things we learn at college are astounding.

01:52 a.m. on Monday, September 18, 2006:

pizza. police. parties. and chemistry problems at two in the morning. i'm the go-to science girl, i guess. hanging out in nick's room and having charlie run in and take me away to help him with chemistry. hah

02:55 p.m. on Sunday, September 17, 2006:

so i woke up to eat breakfast/lunch. but then i fell back asleep. so i'm tired! because i've been asleep practically all day. now i need to go take a chem test. (sweet!) and get pumped for another full week of classes! okay, maybe not. i can't believe the weekend is over.

quotes of the night:
"actually, we dated freshman and sophomore year."
"is there boxing at this school?"
"dude! the food!"
"woah! check out my soda!"
"man am i glad i'm not an attractive girl."

11:39 a.m. on Sunday, September 17, 2006:

i just got the James and the Giant Peach album. i had a whim. it popped into my head. and now i have it. good way to start the morning. or i suppose the afternoon.

02:46 a.m. on Sunday, September 17, 2006:

journey was absolutley amazing! def lepard was also crazy! oh man. we had so much fun! you should be jealous. i guarentee i had a better night than you.

11:24 p.m. on Friday, September 15, 2006:

target trip! waking life. taxi drivers. shampoo. sneakers for the swamp. we had fun tonight. now we're going upstairs to watch the boys play video games, but after that we might go to scribner. anyways, today was a good day. i don't really remember most of it because i was sleeping all day, but it was a good day. also, that girl we met on the bus was very cool. burges has a new coffee called "dark magic" which is described as "dark, deep and intense." right. it's pitch black in the cup, and hey--it's pretty strong. but i want stronger. there's got to be blacker coffee than the blackest here. there's got to be! anyways, we're going somewhere. now.

01:40 p.m. on Friday, September 15, 2006:

if you're not outraged, you're not paying attention:

The White House made clear that it would fight on despite the Republican rebellion, with Mr. Bush saying he would “resist any bill’’ that did not provide a legal basis for the C.I.A. to continue to employ what he has called “alternative interrogation practices’’ for terrorism suspects.

General Michael V. Hayden, the C.I.A. director has argued that the article’s prohibition against “outrages upon personal dignity” must be clarified so that troops and C.I.A. personnel know what is permissible in the interrogation of terrorism suspects.

12:25 p.m. on Friday, September 15, 2006:

i'm making an executive decision: i will not be attending the Discrete Mathematics Day Confrence. hah.

12:19 p.m. on Friday, September 15, 2006:

i've had "you oughta know" stuck in my head all day.
my calc teacher not only knows my name out of our relatively large class, he's corrected himself to call me gracie rather than grace even though i didn't ask him to. that's pretty cool.

10:17 a.m. on Friday, September 15, 2006:

i just derived the ideal gas law in chemistry. like, with force and velocity. and all these crazy things. it took an entire sheet of paper. and now my brain is fried. but i can't believe i just derived one of the biggest formulas in chemistry. wow, i must be in smart-mode today.

05:31 p.m. on Thursday, September 14, 2006:

units have been picked! i just got a facebook message from blake ludwig who says she's in u4. i can't believe it! i can't believe there's another unit four! this is increadible. i'm ridiculously excited. that plus akhil made my day. and the salamanders.

04:40 p.m. on Thursday, September 14, 2006:

AKHIL REED AMAR IS COMING TO SKIDMORE!

10:49 a.m. on Thursday, September 14, 2006:

i just took a well-deserved nap. i need to grab something to eat before bio at eleven ten. i'm so happy it's raining. my dad is sending me a package consisting of: chapstick, a sweater, 30 granola bars and $120 that he found under my dresser. nice.

07:12 a.m. on Thursday, September 14, 2006:

yesterday at study break i won a lint roller, some dryer sheets and tide-to-go. i am the master.

05:43 p.m. on Wednesday, September 13, 2006:

Skidmore has a Constitution Day! Days actually. September 21st, September 28th and October 5th. I'm ridiculously excited.

10:49 a.m. on Wednesday, September 13, 2006:

Harvard University, breaking with a major trend in college admissions, says it will eliminate its early admissions program next year, with university officials arguing that such programs put low-income and minority applicants at a distinct disadvantage in the competition to get into selective universities.

10:21 a.m. on Wednesday, September 13, 2006:

i need to get a weekend off. i love it here. absolutely. but there's so much work to do all the time. i kind of want to see my family. i'm not homesick. sarah is getting homesick. her neighboor came up yesterday and she started crying after they went home. i, on the other hand, am not homesick. but it would be nice to see my family. or take a nap. since neither is an attainable goal at this time, i suppose i shall just ignore this idea and get ready for calc. then i have a shit load of work to do. sorry for the unnecessary use of "shit" there, but it is a lot of work. and today is the perfect day to take a nap in the window seat. one of those rainy days when you just curl up and read a book. i remember reading in my dad's recliner on days like today and the leather smelled so nice. that's another bizarre thing i miss--the smell of leather when it's rainy. we have alot of leather furnature in the polish house. and the recliner at our burn house. and i miss it. anyways, i think i'm going to roll around for a little bit and chat with sarah until i have to go to class. then i need to go to the campus store and buy a planner. and maybe some soap.

10:31 a.m. on Tuesday, September 12, 2006:

My grandmother keeps sending me those chains that we used to send around in fourth grade. You know, the kind that says, "Do not break! Otherwise you will die." And then tell you a story about some girl named Jenny who didn't send it and her boyfriend got hit by a car and it was definitely because she didn't send the chain e-mail to ten of her friends. Whereas Christy, who did send the e-mail to her friends, won the lottery. This morning, I got one from her about September eleventh with a badly written poem about how we may never get a second chance to say "I love you" or "I’m sorry, please forgive me." Maybe I’m an insensitive prick, but after receiving an email like that, I'm much less likely to say "I love you." more like, "Stop filling my inbox with badly written prose and superstitious nonsense." Now, if I die, please don't attribute it to my bashing of the e-mail chain. Also, while I'm on the subject. I hate those petitions sent around. They don't make any sense. There must be multiple copies, and who's going to compile all of them? Where does it end? Who sends it back to the person who originally started so they can get the final tallies? No one. Those are very stupid creations. Unless when they're sent around, each person only sends it to one other person and everyone holds up their end to attach their name. And then, the last person on earth who, somehow, knows they are the last person on earth to receive the e-mail and amend his/her name to the petition, sends it to the original creator of the message. That's the only way that could work. And that’s never going to happen. These things make me irritated.

Maybe I'll go get something to eat before I head out to bio. Which currently is my least favorite class. But that's because it's got over 100 kids in it. And, one would assume, being a bio/pre-med major, I would like my bio class. It's not that I dislike the material, simply the size of the class and the caliber of people in it. Hopefully a lot of people have dropped out. I absolutely love my seminar, which is straight plant biology. And I absolutely love chemistry despite the insane amounts of work we get. And calc is pretty easy as I’ve already taken AP calc. don't get me wrong, bio is easy, it's just boring as all hell because the professors explain things in the most menial ways because most people haven't taken extensive biology courses. Not that I have, I'm just really good at it. And thus defining a cell is not my idea of a fun class. Maybe I'll talk to my professor and ask him if I can do some fun work on the side. Then again, I have enough work to do anyway.

07:45 a.m. on Tuesday, September 12, 2006:

i would also like to note that, currently, the temperature is 36 degrees.
that is all.

07:34 a.m. on Tuesday, September 12, 2006:

"I mean, thats what some fellows says. Captain! I'm a regular rebel myself, and I believe in you coons grabbing all you can get. I can't jump from being a cash-register to being a raceman on a soap-box in six months."

class starts at eight ten. d-hall doesn't open until eight. and i'm ready to go now! i still need to brush my teeth, but i have almost a half an hour to do so. so instead i will read webcomics until it's time to brush my teeth and go to d-hall and go to class.

05:51 p.m. on Saturday, September 9, 2006:

i kind of want to go home. i mean, not like i'm depressed, and i'm not even homesick. i want the cardinal circle house. i think i miss being around people i know better. and seeing people i know everywhere i go. here, that doesn't happen, and it's exhausting. i miss my bed at home. not the polish bed. my bed. i want to see what's going on. i don't think there's any work that's been done on it yet, I think they say the estimate is in mid-late february. so, when i'm done with my first year i can have my bed back. but i'll still need to re-do my room again. and i guess it will never be the same as it was. i had to throw away most everything that made my room mine. i guess since i have some down time this is what i'm thinking about. hmm.

01:25 p.m. on Saturday, September 9, 2006:

so i got up at like, eight. and i went to bed at like, four. so not a lot of sleep there. but since i'm a morning person, i didn't feel tired at all. i got back from breakfast and curled up on the window seat. and i just woke up. oh man. i'm tired because i left my contacts in. oops. but wow! who sleeps that much on a tiny window seat. also, people have started calling me g-unit. and i met another grace! and she's a sophomore and very very cool.

09:59 a.m. on Saturday, September 9, 2006:

wow.

i'm tired.

01:40 p.m. on Thursday, September 7, 2006:

"It has come to our attention that numerous people don't realize how serious we are about lactose tolerance and milk in general. Here is a list of state laws regarding milk:
In Utah it is illegal NOT to drink milk. (Way to go Utah!)
In Texas you cannot milk another person's cow. (Understandable, yet intolerant!)
In Missouri a milkman cannot run while on duty. (Right on! Treat that liquid gold with great care!)
Indiana liquor stores may not sell milk. (That doesn't make a lick of sense!)
In Massachusetts defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine. (As well it should be!)"

07:43 a.m. on Thursday, September 7, 2006:

can someone please tell me WHY murray-aikens doesn't open until eight? i know, it's only fifteen minutes and then: breakfast! but no! i have a class at eight ten. and it's FAR AWAY. i have nothing to eat. okay, that's a lie, i ate an orange and am working on an apple. but i might have to move on to the pretzels and pop rocks. this sucks. i really wanted a bagel. and orange juice. also: i still have yet to locate my mailbox and i KNOW i have mail. hohum.

03:40 p.m. on Wednesday, September 6, 2006:

god: gracie, please stop eating all of the pretzels.
gracie: ugh! but god! i love the pretzels. i must eat the pretzels.
god: STOP EATING THE MOTHER FUCKING PRETZELS!
gracie: (dejectedly) okay.

03:37 p.m. on Wednesday, September 6, 2006:

i'm feeling kind of out-of-whack today. and i think it's because i've been hanging out with mostly guys in my building. a few girls, but mostly it's me, sarah and four or five guys. and i think it's weird for me to be around this many guys at once and not have matt around. and also not be kissing? or the alternative. you know what i mean? it's weird to be completely shut off from having a personal life.

10:09 a.m. on Wednesday, September 6, 2006:

class was amazing! i sat next to a sophomore--i think his name was john. i don't quite remember. anyways, my teacher's a little difficult to understand because he's from india and it's his first year teaching but he seems really nice. today was so easy! he told us that in order to be in the class we had to be in the top ten percent of the class which means we're awesome. well, he didn't say that we're awesome but i think he was thinking it. anyways, it was just review today, as i suspect it will be for a few more days. anyways, AWESOME!!!

12:52 a.m. on Wednesday, September 6, 2006:

the stones cover band sucked major ass. but singing was fun. and discussing prom horror stories. and basically our entire night. no doubt making fools of ourselves along the way, it was still fun.
do you want to see me bend?

07:26 p.m. on Tuesday, September 5, 2006:

the bad touch=my sweetmates favorite song?

02:58 p.m. on Tuesday, September 5, 2006:

why are my sweetmates blasting simple plan? WHY?

01:09 p.m. on Tuesday, September 5, 2006:

um, i am awesome.

08:17 a.m. on Tuesday, September 5, 2006:

i have a little bit of homework. i'm debating whether or not i should read it before breakfast or not. today is going to be a sucky morning, the orientation schedule sucks. we have to lectures from 9:15-11:30. i'm not really looking forward to that. at all. but later tonight we're going to the northwoods appartments and eating icecream. and we have fireworks and a barbeque tonight. and we sing. so i'm pumped for that anyways.

05:53 p.m. on Monday, September 4, 2006:

the meeting with my advisor went really well. and i'm really excited for our field trip--we're going to bop around in a swamp. and i'm also excited about classes. and basically everything. i love bio.

04:58 p.m. on Monday, September 4, 2006:

i have yet to locate my mailbox. i have doubts of its existance.

04:58 p.m. on Monday, September 4, 2006:

i have yet to locate my mailbox. i have doubts of its existance.

04:04 p.m. on Monday, September 4, 2006:

alright. i just got back from my pre-med meeting and i've got an hour and a half to kill before i have to meet with my advisor. then dinner. then the showcase. and i have some homework so maybe i'll do that now even though it's not due until thursday and get it out of the way.

06:42 a.m. on Monday, September 4, 2006:

i'm so tired! and i definitely didn't read the book. oh well, i'll bs it. i'm good at that. a whole year of AP english showed me how do that with style. yeyah. breakfast! mm, little early. whatever...clothing! then breakfast! than bs about the book in a freaking two hour discussiong.

09:29 a.m. on Sunday, September 3, 2006:

So here I am. In the car, on the way to Skidmore. This is exciting. But I have a headache. And I’m tired. And I still have to read this book. Haha. Maybe I’ll do it tonight. I’m about a hundred pages into it. Only two hundred more to go. I think I might be able to do that today—I have to have it done by 9:45 tomorrow morning because we’re having a discussion on it. Not much is going on in this car ride. I ate a Hershey bar. And took a little nap. And listened to POTO. (Die ALW Die? I think not, Caroline) And now I’m on my computer. Because I have nothing else to do. My parents are commenting on how quickly I type. They can hear the keys going up and down. Both of my parents are relatively slow typers. And this irks me. It’s frustrating when you’re trying to get something down quickly and my dad’s just sitting there plinking away at the keyboard at a painfully slow pace. Oh well. The most important part of this post was: I’m on my way to college! Alas, there’s nothing exciting going on so it’s relatively boring. So I apologize. But I figure this is an important moment in my life and thus I should blog. Will’s going to college today too. Last night Matt and Jess came over. It was sad. Matt cried. I didn’t, simply because it doesn’t feel real. At all. I’m excited to start my classes. I’m ready to work. I’m fearful that my brain hasn’t quite powered up yet, but I think it will eventually catch up with my ambitious schedule. Okay, I’m going to go play a game with marbles on my computer. Or maybe that dinosaur game. That one’s pretty cool.

07:04 a.m. on Sunday, September 3, 2006:

i'm going to college. and i'm leaving now. and i'm excited. and i want to leave. now.

10:56 a.m. on Saturday, September 2, 2006:

i still have to go through all these clothes. i went through everything that was delivered yesterday and sorted out my things. now i need to go through that and figure out what i want to take to school. also, my favorite purple sweater is missing, and this distresses me. and i still have to read that book. and um, go to college. i can't believe i'm leaving tomorrow.

02:39 p.m. on Friday, September 1, 2006:

today was my last day of work. and that was very sad. drew grabbed my ass. ron gave me a hug and a four-hundred dollar pay check. i can't believe i'm done!

04:44 p.m. on Wednesday, August 30, 2006:

i have a huge headache. and i'm sick of figuring out what textbooks i need. skidmore is slowley redoing their website so i'm hitting a lot of dead ends. i sent my advisor an email and just asked him what books i need. i hope that will work. anyways, i need to take a nap and read my book.

12:30 p.m. on Wednesday, August 30, 2006:

i really want soup. i just had some for lunch. but i think i want some for dinner. that is all.

06:35 a.m. on Wednesday, August 30, 2006:

i'm tired this morning. and like an idiot i forgot to take my contacts out last night so i'm even more groggy than normal. i'm looking forward to work tomorrow. but not today. today i want to curl up in a ball and sleep. and read my book. i really need to finish that book. because i got all my other books back-cleaned and ready to be read. and i really want to read them. and i can't bring them all to college. that would be absurd. so i want to finish skidmore's book so i can atleast get through one or two of the ones i had cleaned. hmm.

12:12 a.m. on Wednesday, August 30, 2006:

jess just left. wow. that was a long day. but successful. she got hit on by nine-year olds...which was hysterical. i got my hair cut, we bought a lot of stuff. oh, she gave me three hundred dollars which was amazing and i felt completley and utterly undeserving. so we went shopping. also, i've been wondering--is there such thing as like, delayed puberty? i know that's a weird thing to wonder about. but (and i'm sorry if this is a little too personal) we went to victoria's secret because she wanted to return a bra and i wanted to get sized because i noticed my bras were fitting differently. apparently. apparently--i'm a 32 C. that's right. C. i laughed at the woman when she told me that. i told her that i'm definitely a B, and i have a few that are A's. She laughed back at me and told me there was no way she made a mistake, but since 32 C is a weird size, its "sister size" (i had no idea there were sister sizes) is a 34 B. and i told her that's what i usually wear. and she said that's good because it's almost impossible to find a 32 C anywhere. um. thus. why the heck are my boobs growing like crazy? the answer i know not. i think maybe i had a stall? like, i got really tall, and that's really it. and now the rest of me is growing. well, not really the rest of me, just my chest. anyways, let's change the subject away from my chest because i'm still not quite sure what's going on there. um. jess came over and helped me pack my stuff for college. and i don't even fill one and a half boxes. clothes and all. my sheets are in a bag. but clothes, shoes, clocks, shampoo, you name it. less than two boxes. and they're not ridiculous size boxes either. i have one box that's bigger than the other. that one i got from the cleaner place that sent us our clothes. the other one i got from jess because her dad has a lot at their house. and i can't wait until thursday when we actually have like, clothes? that would be nice. i hope my stuff gets here in time because less than two boxes worth of stuff is not enough for college. really. i didn't realize we still didn't really have much. even though caroline and i complain about wearing the same thing every week. i guess i never caught on. anyways, i'm basically set for college. i still need to read the book and sort through my books and then sort the clothes when they come on thursday. i can't wait.

10:25 a.m. on Tuesday, August 29, 2006:

Tortillas are useful in space because they can turn anything into a sandwich and do not produce crumbs or mold as easily as bread. When a crew has been stuck in space for six months, a fresh tortilla or the crunch of an apple can make all the difference in their mood.

10:17 a.m. on Tuesday, August 29, 2006:

matt looked up directions on how to get to skidmore. i think that's cute.

it's raining! so i left work. i'm going to go take a nap and then i guess jess and i are going to go spend a lot of money at some mall somewhere, because all of our friends have already left for college. (well, aurora's leaving tomorrow. which is scary because i haven't seen her in awhile) (kara greenwood is also leaving tomorrow. so we each have one other friend that's leaving tomorrow.) and jess doesn't leave until the 18th. how much does that suck? i have until sunday. yesterday i bought college stuff. and shoes. i didn't need them but whatever. and the register crashed after kira rung up my hundreds of dollars of college stuff (and shoes!) so she had to re-ring it up. but got lazy and told me i could go even though she hadn't finished. which was sweet because i saved about a hundred dollars from a crashed computer paired with laziness. sweet.

10:17 a.m. on Monday, August 28, 2006:

there's a man in the pool. THERE'S A MAN IN THE POOL! wtf? who is that? it's not the polish guy. he's in poland! okay. okay. it's just a man. in the pool. just stay inside. eat some breakfast. ew.

12:27 a.m. on Monday, August 28, 2006:

it's cold. and late. tomorrow i'm doing college things. reading and shoping. jess and i went to the movies. and hung out with matt for a bit. and noho was fun. and it rained! it's late--i know i said that. but i'm using it as an excuse for my lack of english tonight. i'm sitting here blasting stevie wonder (headphones in of course) and drinking tea out of the largest coffee cup you can imagine. i'm so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. just tuesday. oh, and wednesday. and thursday. and friday. hah. i don't know after that. matt goes back to school tomorrow. or i suppose today. i'm getting a little bored with him. probably because there are so many things on my mind i'm not paying any attention to him at all. whatever. i have less than a week. i just thought i'd mention that. anyways. tomorrow (meaning tuesday) jess and i are going on a shopping spree. because we want to. at least we're going to the mall. not trumbull of course. and then we're eating. i'm not sure. after two. she says i'm hers. and i'm not complaining. i'm sick of wearing the same clothes every day. also, i want to go home. i want to sleep in my bed. which i can't do. i don't want to go to college because i've been away from home long enough already. and i keep thinking, even if i like it there, when i come home to visit, i won't be home anyways. and that's just disappointing. anyways. i should probably go to bed. i'm getting a stomach ache from all the gallons of tea i'm drinking.

10:37 p.m. on Saturday, August 26, 2006:

newsweek just declared skidmore a "new ivy." and said it rivaled the ivies of the present day. that's pretty damn cool.

10:14 p.m. on Saturday, August 26, 2006:

my roommate and i are soulmates. i'm convinced. okay, so we don't stand around making letters out of our shadows. naturally, because we've never met in person. but i think we're similar. though she likes scary movies. and i HATE scary movies. but love them all the same. whatever. i want to go to college tomorrow! caroline's leaving. tomorrow. we're going to noho. oh man. i love college. granted, i haven't left yet. but i'm so psyched. i need to go to ikea. also. and buy some stuff. stuff i don't need of course.

04:59 p.m. on Saturday, August 26, 2006:

i freaking love indian music.

04:03 p.m. on Saturday, August 26, 2006:

caroline's leaving tomorrow! jeeze. currently i'm compilling a college-unpacking playlist. and reading my book. and drinking tea.
also, ben c is on facebook.

05:50 a.m. on Saturday, August 26, 2006:

wow. i had so many dreams last night. okay, three. but they were all really big dreams. really ellaborate, i mean. and they all hit me pretty hard. one of them was because right before i went to take a shower before going to bed, scott called. he's at uconn with everyone else and i had a dream he was rooming with kristin pechtol even though she's really going to union. anyways they had a really awesome room that looked exactly like one of the rooms in the pottery barn catalogue that i just flipped through yesterday morning. although, kristin didn't have a mattress--she slept on a big wooden board that was a much larger version (and slightly concave) of a bamboo cutting board we used to have. i also had a dream i was made of books and josh fein kept reading what books i was made of. that was kind of weird. and uncomfortable. i distinctly remember him saying, "hmm, science fiction?" and the last one was also really uncomfortable. actually, the one with kristin and scott was uncomfortable because it made me really upset that everyone was gone. and that i had to go soon. and now i feel imprepared to go. i still have to finish that book.

11:31 a.m. on Friday, August 25, 2006:

also, may people left for college today and that makes me really sad. i had a dream about college last night. i feel imprepared.

11:30 a.m. on Friday, August 25, 2006:

oh yes, i forgot to mention that some man working at the shoe store heard about our house and gave us three hundred dollars worth of shoes for free. that was pretty sweet.

12:15 a.m. on Thursday, August 24, 2006:

i have a mailbox number at skidmore! and the internet! it's supposed to be wireless but it's too late to figure out how to set that up. anyways, i'm really tired, but i'd like to write about what's going on lately. we have cable. which is a big thing. we had a tea party. and then went to the movies. we had a pool party--i'll get around to posting those pictures on facebook sometime soon. and tonight we hung out at emma's and went to wendy's. and some other stuff. whatever. i'm going to bed. huzzah for internet!

11:56 a.m. on Tuesday, August 22, 2006:

okay, the descent is the scariest movie of all time! we went to see the ten twenty. not a good idea. and we screamed through the entire movie. and most of the way home.

02:48 p.m. on Sunday, August 20, 2006:

Belle picked out a book from the castle library. Then she looked out the window. The sun was shining. "I think I will read outside today," she said. Belle left the castle. She walked past the barn. There was a big pile of hay by the barn.She walked past the apple tree. There was a big basket of apples under the tree. Belle sat down to read. Belle read and read. Before long, she felt hungry. Belle put down her book. She walked back to the castle to get some lunch. Belle put a sandwich, some lemonade, and some sugar cubes into a picnic basket. "And I will pick an apple for dessert," she said. Belle went back outside. She walked past the barn. The hay was gone! "That is odd," Belle said. She walked past the apple tree. The basket was empty! "Who could have eaten all the apples?" Belle asked. Belle looked this way. Belle looked that way. Then she saw something behind a bush. It was a wild pony! Belle stepped closer. But the pony was scared. It ran this way and it ran that way. But the pony would not come to Belle. Belle had an idea. She took the sugar cubes from the picnic basket. She placed them in a row on the grass. Then she stepped back. The pony ate on sugar cube. Then it ate another. And another. Soon the pony was right next to Belle! Belle held out the last sugar cube. The pony ate it right from her hand! She reached out to pat the pony's soft nose. Belle was happy. She led the pretty pony to the barn. And before long, the princess and the pony became great friends.

that concludes A Pony for a Princess. Why, you ask? Because my father bought it at the grocery store for me. Why, you ask? I have no idea.

02:43 p.m. on Sunday, August 20, 2006:

we're going to be late. and this upsets me. i hate being late. except for trivial things like calculus. it's simply my personal opinion that if someone is having a party in your honor you should be on time. or at least notify them that you're going to be late.

we forgot to go to the bank. i just realized.

i saw liz console. who looks amazing. and makes me feel like i've done nothing all summer. because she's in amazing shape. and looks like she lost a ton of weight. granted, i don't need to lose weight. but i could at least get in better shape. remember when i could run five miles a day and not get tired? hah, those were the days.

10:41 a.m. on Sunday, August 20, 2006:

apparently my last words are going to be, "So, you're a cannibal."

08:07 a.m. on Sunday, August 20, 2006:

the kittens and fritter are getting along. and this makes me happy. and the kittens are getting more personable! huzzah.

06:42 a.m. on Sunday, August 20, 2006:

my dad had a weird dream last night:

my dad and i went to a diner to get some food before going out. and my uncle tim was there. so we sat down and ordered some burgers. but the waitress brought fritos. so, we ate the fritos. but we needed more, so we asked the waitress for more, and it took her a long time to get some. and she came back and poured them out -- we had little plastic bowls. but they were barbeque fritos! and i didn't mind them, and neither did my uncle tim. but my dad didn't want them. so he just sat there getting angry. and eventually the waitress came over and asked him if he liked fritos. and he said no, especially barbeque fritos. so she told him he'd probably like them better with ketchup. so she poured ketchup all over them and walked away. my dad sat there steaming and eventually smacked his bowl of ketchup-covered fritos off the counter (we were sitting at the counter) onto the floor and made a big mess. and then we left.

06:34 a.m. on Sunday, August 20, 2006:

my dad went to find coffee about thirty minutes ago. seeing as the coffee is about thirty feet from our room, (not to mention in our room) it would have, at most, taken him two minutes to walk there, wait in the gigantic line for coffee at six in the morning (total sarcasm there) and walk back. so, what has he been doing for the twenty eight other minutes? perhaps i'll go look for him and get some breakfast on the way. and grab the laundry out of the dryer that i did at five in the morning.

my computer makes a little noise when i get an e-mail. and the kittens make the same exact noise when they jump around. this is getting confusing.

05:33 a.m. on Sunday, August 20, 2006:

i almost slept through the entire night! but alas, kittens must play. and for some reasons, kittens must play ontop of me while i sleep. and thus, i awoke at five this morning. perhaps i'll go back to bed, but the kittens are so riled up i think it would be impossible for me to sleep while they attack the potted plants, eachother, the couch, and my laptop. also--last night they partied in their litterbox. and basically threw the entire thing at the wall. i'm not quite sure how, but i saw the result and it was not pretty. perhaps i'll do some laundry. or go for a walk or something.

05:31 p.m. on Saturday, August 19, 2006:

today was an odd day. my neighboors banded together to get caroline and i 1000 dollars each. which was a nice surprise. we felt undeserving. they all signed these huge cards the kids made. and we were overwhelmed with the cards. and then they brought out these american express gift cards. and everyone cried. i ate lunch over at holly's and then we checked out the polish house again. we're moving in monday evening. we were going to go college shopping but i suggested we go tomorrow because they suspend connecticut taxes tomorrow and thus, shopping today would be idiotic. they agreed. so that's what's on the plate for tomorrow. i might go out tonight. i don't think so. i think we're going to chill as a family. and admire our cute kittens. who are crazy. and think about how horrible this all is but how it's actually not so bad after all. and how lucky we are that dad and i weren't home because we'd probably be one family member short. my dad would have been watching tv and heard the explosion. and opened the garage door to see what it was. and woud have been engulfed in flames. and i'm really glad that didn't happen. anyways, hopefully tonight we can get some sleep. we're still not sleeping very well. and then college. i guess.

08:57 a.m. on Saturday, August 19, 2006:

oh what a beautiful morning! i'm in such a good mood it's riduculous (and not in the sense of changing boggarts into snape wearing nevil's grandmother's clothing at all!) i'm not quite sure what we're going to do today. i need to order a new book. and clean some of my mother's things. perhaps we'll continue our daily routine of getting everything out of our house to be thrown away or cleaned. THIS IS SUCH A GREAT MORNING!

06:37 a.m. on Friday, August 18, 2006:

i know it's not his fault. and i know it wasn't really him saying it. it was her saying it. and apparently it wasn't' even her saying it. it was her hearing it. but it still bothers me. i don't think he realized how much it upset me. and i don't think i realized how much it upset me. and with so many things on my mind right now with the house and work and being sick i'm too exhausted to put it behind me. it's all i've been thinking about since he told me. and i had a really awful dream last night to top it all off.

i really want to go home.

08:06 p.m. on Thursday, August 17, 2006:

this is making me so freaking nervous.

07:53 p.m. on Thursday, August 17, 2006:

two days?

for lunch today i had two slices of bologna, pickles, stale saltines and milk.

i'm beginning to think he might be right, too. which frustrates me.

and i'm glad college is coming otherwise i would quit working at brownson. which i really don't want to do. i was considering becoming a flower girl. which might be fun. apparently one of the guys on the grounds crew really likes me. although the only thiing i've ever said to him was good morning. whatever. i think maybe i'll change jobs next summer.

05:37 a.m. on Thursday, August 17, 2006:

i think i was about thirty pages into my book when the fire happened. and i still have to read it for skidmore. but when i open it up, it smells like fire and makes me sick. perhaps i can find another copy?

10:02 p.m. on Wednesday, August 16, 2006:

also: FUCK.
in every sense of the word.
which reminds me. about an hour ago my dad asked me if my stomach still hurt and if i felt like throwing up. i said yes. and he asked me if i was pregnant. i'm not quite sure what i think about that.

09:47 p.m. on Wednesday, August 16, 2006:

i wish i could insert an oral representation of how i feel right now. it would most likely be a low groan that slowly dies out. followed by some whimpering. i hate being sick. i hate that i have to go to work tomorrow. and the day after that. i want a freaking raise. i told drew if he wasn't coming back next year that i wasn't going to come back either. he scoffed. but i meant it. because there's no point in me sitting behind a counter doing nothing but smiling at the members and making cart signs (even if i'm good at it) and making eight dollars an hour working with people i dont like. well, not plural people. i'm not fond of the assistant pro. (understatement of the year right there) i just accidentally hit a button and my computer did this weird morphing thing on the screen until i hit another button. anyways, i figure i might as well use my brain for something that's productive. and put my skills to good use. rather than wasting them on a job any airhead could do. perhaps i'm just feeling negative because i feel like vomitting. but waking up that freaking early to do a job i don't like while feeling like passing out is not something i'm looking forward to.

07:36 p.m. on Wednesday, August 16, 2006:

so, a priest, a rabbi and a chicken walk into a bar.

i'm pretty sure i've heard this one before. what happens next?

well, if i remember correctly, they explode outward at the speed of light. But that might be if you cross the streams...

...thus negating all existance!

precisely! it's a risk one takes whenever one walks into a bar, i'm afraid. expecially if one is a chicken.

02:57 p.m. on Wednesday, August 16, 2006:

i am so sick. my stomach is inside-out. this sucks. and i'm getting a headache. this SUCKS!!!

05:12 p.m. on Tuesday, August 15, 2006:

there's a house in hunnington right off soundview (actually, the address is 95 Park Avenue...sounds pretty ritzy, eh?) that my dad and i went to check out. owned by people who only speak polish. and have three tv channels. all in polish. it's a ridiculously ugly house. but it's right on a pond. and has a little yard with tomatoes growing. so i think we're moving in there in about a week for about six months. oh yes--the time estimate on our house is no longer three to four months, its six months. i think i'm going to go take a shower. try to wake up a little.

01:56 p.m. on Tuesday, August 15, 2006:

I'm so exhausted. I've slept almost all morning. Well, tried to sleep all morning. I might be going out with matt tonight--i figure i should get out of the hotel and go somewhere other than my house. and see some people. i wish i had like, stuff. you know? and chocolate.

07:24 a.m. on Tuesday, August 15, 2006:

okay. i put twenty or so pictures of our house up on photobucket if you want to see what it looks like. The Burning. I'm really tired. I didn't sleep well last night. I can't imagine doing this for weeks. I can't grasp how long we're going to be displaced.

06:50 p.m. on Monday, August 14, 2006:

I went back to Ohio
But my family was gone
I stood on the back porch
There was nobody home
I was stunned and amazed
My childhood memories
Slowly swirled past
Like the wind through the trees
A, o, oh way to go Ohio

I'm exhausted. My dad and I went out for dinner to Stellas. And a waiter asked for my number. Well, a cook? I'm not sure. That was the only nice part to my day. We spent all afternoon going through every article of clothing and figuring out what was salvageable. same with towels and sheets and things. And some men took it out in bags (red bag for priority, blue bag for normal) and everything will get cleaned. Unfortunatley, not before we go to college. So we put a few things in priority which we will hopefully get before college and hopefully last us until anything else is clean. When we were done it looked like we had climbed out of a chimney. We were black! And only from dealing with clothes that didn't look dirty. Our arms, hands, legs, faces--covered in ash. My eyes are tired. And my lungs. Freshly showered and fed, I'm feeling a little better. I took an hour long nap in the car parked outside our house before the clothing-cleaning guys came because I was too tired to make it. Anyways, we took some pictures, I'll make a photobucket and link it so you can see what I'm talking about. I need to e-mail my roommate and tell her I'm going to be packing extremely lightly. Tomorrow I don't want to deal with this. Tomorrow I want to see people outside worker men and firemen and my dad and hotel people. I made a friend at breakfast. He works at Sikorsky. Building helicopters. He hates it. He wants to go back home to Michigan to work on cars. He says he wants to work on things that help people, not hurt people. He's got an 18 year old son and 21 year old daughter that he's trying to convince to come visit him. He says he's going to tell them about me and maybe that will convince them to come. Apparently they're both science geeks like me. And the son was on a debate team, too. Anyways, I'll get around to posting those pictures.

12:46 p.m. on Monday, August 14, 2006:

here's a link to the only picture i have of my house after the fire. my neighboor snapped this just as it was going out. there's much more impressive damage on the inside but i haven't gotten around to finding a camera and taking pictures of that yet. but when i do, i'll post those too. anyway.

09:42 a.m. on Monday, August 14, 2006:

i hate that my dad keeps saying everything's fine. and that the house is fine. because it's really not. his room is gone. the house is still standing if that's what he means. but our house is ruined. the ceilings and walls are black. my mother's beautiful kitchen is toast. the microwave melted. everything in there was burned. the ceiling of the den caved in. it doesn't look that bad from the outside. just that our garage is a nice shade of ash. and everything smells smokey. but the inside is terrible. especially my parents' room. they now have a nice skylight. a nice big skylight. and the big wall is completley ripped out. and there are heaps of wall and ceiling and junk piled in their room and in my room. all of the walls are bubbled with heat. the downstairs was the only thing not blackened. and caroline's room and the guest room. we took a crowbar to the basement ceiling though when darla got stuck up their and started passing out. that was pretty scary. currently we're staying at homewood suites in stratford. room 231. if anyone wants to visit. i'm not sure if i'll have internet access there. well, i can get it, i'm just not sure for how long and when i can access it. i think it's funny the thing that hit me hardest was not that we're going to be displaced out of our home for at least four months or that most of our stuff is ruined. and the things that aren't ruined need to be cleaned so we can't have clothes or anything. but that my golf clubs were in the garage. and now they are gone.

12:17 a.m. on Sunday, August 13, 2006:

my house burned down. how the fuck do things like this happen to me? if you're awake, call my cell phone. i'm not really in the mood to talk. but obviously i'm not picking up the home phone. i'm at my neighboors. i kind of want to go to bed. but i'm trying to get in touch with caroline. oh my god.

03:11 p.m. on Saturday, August 12, 2006:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences along with these instructions.
5.Don’t you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

"Soon enough he is stalking doorways, leading the dancing moon of Jed's flashlight with the barrel of his rifle, and always listening. Corners, however, only reveal more corners, and Jed's light only targets ashen walls, though soon enough they all begin to detect that inimitable growl, like calving glaciers, far off in the distance, which at least in the mind's eye, inhabits a thin line where rooms and passageways must finally concede to become a horizon. 'The growl almost always comes like the rustle of a high mountain wind on the trees,' Navidson explained later."

03:01 p.m. on Saturday, August 12, 2006:

pippi is eating the remains of the wings i had for lunch. well, was eating. until she realized thy were really spicy and she's now wigging out under the table. i think her mouth is on fire. i don't think she knows what to do. Darla is lingering uncomfortably close to the wings, too. My cats are so funny.

02:07 p.m. on Saturday, August 12, 2006:

so last night after matt went home and then i got back from friendlys with scott, i went out again with matt, emma and kevin. we drove around, played poker, and hung out. i told matt we'd hang out tonight, too, but i'm not feeling it. probably because i see him every waking moment. so i'm going to the movies with other people tonight. i think we're seeing the september eleventh movie and then going out to dinner. i guess i should tell matt. i wish he got text messages. bastard.

11:16 a.m. on Saturday, August 12, 2006:

"Gregory grew up beliebing he was white. But when the family business failed and his parents' marriage fell apart, Gregory discovered that his dark-skinned father, who had been passing as an Italian-American, was half black. The family split up and Greg, his younger brother and their father moved to Indiana, where the young boys learned the truth about their heritage. Overnight, Gregory became black."

now you can see why i've been avoiding reading this book.

09:40 a.m. on Saturday, August 12, 2006:

ugh i'm so tired! i woke up this morning with a massive headache. i tried to eat a a bagel but that didn't really work out. i think i'm going to take a shower, curl up and read. I'm hoping I can concentrate. My eyes hurt, too. Then maybe later today I can keep packing.

12:26 a.m. on Saturday, August 12, 2006:

UPDATE: my roommate is awesome. and comes with a fridge!

in other news, park rangers suck assmar.

05:24 p.m. on Friday, August 11, 2006:

I'M SO EXCITED! I just got my room assignment. I sent my roommate -- sarah i think--a message on facebook. She's yet to respond. Probably though because i just sent it. hah. anyways, this is so exciting! Oh man. great day. OH MAN!!!!!! okay. i'm going to spend a ton of time on facebook until scott comes. i have no money. i hope that's okay.

11:08 a.m. on Friday, August 11, 2006:

also, it's really cold today. well, it's nice today. i love when you feel just a little cold and you're putting on sweatshirts and curling up in blankets. it makes me want to go back to school. and i realize that no, i don't want to go back to trumbull high. i'm sick of it there. i'm ready for college. i wrote my rap letter, which i mentioned earlier. and i think that, plus that other paper, have made me ready. plus people are already leaving. mark leaves tuesday. which is ridiculously soon. but some people don't leave until the fifteenth of september. scott and i are going out tonight as a last time we'll see eachother kind of thing. and, although i'm really going to miss everyone, i can't wait to find new people.

11:04 a.m. on Friday, August 11, 2006:

yesterday i hit my head on the piano. and now i have a bump. that hurts. a lot. i'm hoping it goes away soon. it's not noticible at all, but it hurts a lot.

also, i need a haircut.

08:50 p.m. on Thursday, August 10, 2006:

oh the cleverness of me! i finished my RAP letter. FINALLY! skidmore requires students to write a letter to their advisors discussing all sorts of things. About academic interests about things that excite you about your future plans about what you think of skidmore--there's a lot to write about. Plus, it's my first letter. So it has to be good! I've spent all evening on it. My cellphone has been ringing off the hook (though, there's no hook. because it's a cellphone. let's just say it's been ringing a lot.) but i have resisted the urge to pick it up. because i know it's people wanting me to go out tonight. which, until now, i couldn't. because i had crazy amounts of work to do. but now, my load has lightened an apreciable amount. now i simply have to revise my letter, which i shall do some other time in the near future. and read my book. i am so exhausted. mentally. but i really like what i've written. and i think it sounds like me, too, which is a plus. perhaps i'll watch tv and fall asleep without calling anyone back or even glancing at my phone. or that freaking box sitting on my bed. i don't want to deal with that tonight. sorry.

07:16 p.m. on Thursday, August 10, 2006:

As much as I am insanely loving the forced early-morning risings and having to don my très chic golf attire every day, I am so ready for some solitary time. Perhaps my priaprismically-engorged social calendar of late is also playing into that need. It seems solitary time has not existed for me for almost three weeks except in the form of bathroom breaks and quick night-time naps which hardly qualify as sleep at all. Nonetheless, I've been leading a relatively happy existence these past few weeks. The smallest things are beginning to catch my fancy--the moon last night for example; or lying in the grass and seeing a shooting star; or the fresh raindrops clinging to the screen of my bedroom window. These are the things making me happy. And thus I feel a little calmer about my hectic summer life.

07:06 p.m. on Thursday, August 10, 2006:

i'm tired. it took us three freaking hours to play the front nine. and i ended up shooting 44. that was my first time playing with jeff blaze--he's fun to play with. jess and i just kept laughing the whole time. we were going to play 18 but it started pouring. so now i guess i'm going to take a nap and have a quiet night in. maybe i'll start my book.

which reminds me-i have some seriously overdue library books.

this makes me nervous. but i guess it has to happen sooner or later. and, i'm set for like, two months? ugh. i can't believe i'm leaving for college in twenty four days.

04:47 p.m. on Wednesday, August 9, 2006:

i feel suffocated. i think maybe i'm getting sick? i'm not quite sure...it feels like there's a belt around my ribcage and my lungs can only expand so much. anyways, i'm working on the papers i need to write for skidmore. and i'm not quite sure when i'm going to get around to reading that book, but i guess i'll start soon. i'm doing fantastic amounts of laundry in preparation for school. i just wish i wasn't feeling sick so this could be a more enjoyable process. and i know i have 25 days left before school, so i assume i won't be sick for college. i hope hope hope not anyway.

09:08 a.m. on Wednesday, August 9, 2006:

i guess that's the truth but for some reason it makes me kind of sad.

dove il mio padre?

08:49 p.m. on Tuesday, August 8, 2006:

also, i have a Kings Of Convenience song featuring feist. which is pretty damn awesome. two of my favorite bands of all time. in one song. this is like the strokes and regina spektor getting together. but better!

08:37 p.m. on Tuesday, August 8, 2006:

Kings Of Convenience is my favorite band. I've decided. I could listen to them all day.

I'm doing mega loads of laundry for college. I'm washing everything. and if it's clean then i'm making sure it doesn't need to be ironed. and i'm slowly packing up my winter things. And towels and sheets and the like. I have to write a paper for my student advisor. And I need to read a book and write about that too. I can't believe summer is almost over. I can't believe I'm leaving to go to college. I can't believe my brain has to start working agian. I'm excited, but then again, I'm having so much fun being able to go out and not care about school work. I got an email today from the first-year president and i thought it was my roommate assignment but it really told me i had to write another paper. So, slight dissapointment there. Also, I haven't written a paper in a ridiculously long time. So there are going to be many many drafts of this soon-to-be masterpiece. I'm excited to start working again. But that means i'm going to be missing out on so many things: my family, ths life in general, yearbook, golf, the kittens, matt, work in general. there are so many things that i would much rather be up to than leaving for college. I think perhaps I'm just getting a little nervous that I'll be there really soon. I'm so excited. And I'm ready to leave. It's just I can't believe it's actually time already.

08:01 p.m. on Tuesday, August 8, 2006:

our kittens need 2.5 mL of medicine each day. and they hate it. and we need to give it to them for six weeks. poor babies.

07:32 p.m. on Tuesday, August 8, 2006:

i almost quit work today. i really dislike one of the guys i work with. i was very very close to telling him to fuck off and then just walking out. granted, i didn't have a ride home. and i was almost done with my shift. but that made me angry.

my dad is shocking the world. i mean, the pool.

today i danced. first i stretched. i miss those warm-ups. and then i danced. choreographing and remembering old dances etcetera. i miss dance.

07:14 p.m. on Tuesday, August 8, 2006:

Telephone call woke me up at noon
I thought it was much too soon
Pulled the covers tightly up and then
I went back to sleep again

Woke once more at half past one
Getting out of bed's no fun
I'm so cozy won't you pretty please
Bring a bowl of Rice Crispies
Feeling lazy, feeling tired
Feeling sleepy, feeling slow
Feeling slothful, feeling sluggish
Feeling drowsy don't you know?

Not up yet it's after two
Nice here laying close to you
Feeling like a happy kitty cat
Pat my head and scratch my back

Clock tells me it's nearing three
No place that I'd rather be
What a lazy lazy life this is

Feeling lazy, feeling tired
Feeling sleepy, feeling slow
Feeling slothful, feeling sluggish
Feeling drozey don't you know?

What's the hurry anyway?
I can wait to start my day
Won't you stay in bed with me
Eat candy bars and watch tv.
Now my dear it's after four
Can't get enough so give me more
Five o'clock is already past
Darkness is approaching fast

Feeling lazy, feeling tired
Feeling sleepy, feeling slow
Feeling slothful, feeling sluggish
Feeling drozey don't you know?

05:11 a.m. on Tuesday, August 8, 2006:

yesterday was jam-packed full of events. i should be getting ready for work, but instead i'm going to recount what happened. i woke up at eleven thirty. because of the cast party the night before. did i blog about thta? probably not. well, it was an amazing party. i had to borrow a swimsuit b/c i didn't bring one to school. so, john mark's mother gave me one from when she was my age. and thus it was older than me. so i just hung out with the guys and we played silly games in the pool and the hot tub. and we also had a four person dance party with me, meg, jess and ben brown. which was a lot of fun. anyways. wake up at eleven thirty. i was supposed to be at school for strike at eleven so i threw on some clotthes and got to school at eleven fourty. so we took everything apart and then headed to the meritt canteen where we ate lunch. then sean, louis and i went to see lady in the water which was probably the most bizarre movie i've ever seen in my entire life. more details perhaps later. then home, change clothes. hop in car with matt and go to starbucks where we chill with will and discuss prostitutes, states rights, and life in general. also-upcoming dates for potential bicen parties! after that, matt and i went to the ascot club in shelton where immediatly a group of people cheered because they knew who matt was. because they go to brownson. and that was sort of weird. anyways, we thought we had decided what we wanted when i flipped the menu over for no apparent reason and realized we had only been looking at the specials. so we reevaluated the food choices and shared penne ala vodka for an appetizer. then i got a grilled cheese. after that we went to the back nine at brownson. which was cool until we realized there were about five guys there already. and although it wasn't pitch black, it was pretty dark. so we could see them, and they could see us, but we weren't quite sure what was going on. so that was a lot of fun. and now, i need to take a shower. and go to work. because that's how i make money. oh, also, my bank card got desensitized. somehow. so i need a new one. which sucks.

10:59 a.m. on Sunday, August 6, 2006:

i've been checking my skidmore email religiously hoping i'll get my roommate assignment and my housing. but, negative. nothing. zip. zero. nadda. zilch. i need to know who i'm going to be living with! this is NOT cool. there's an indian girl who is really cool that i want to be roommates with. i don't think our chances are particullarly good, but we're both majoring in bio and government. and also - we're cool. and also-we both want to be eachother's roommates. so maybe. we'll at least be in the same house.

10:48 a.m. on Sunday, August 6, 2006:

i can't decide whether or not last night was disappointing. i got sleep. which i guess is a plus. i didn't go to the cast party because i was just too tired. plus cast parties are lame. so says caroline anyway who refused to go with me and instead chose to hang out with scott. which is total abandonment. and bb weren't there. though, they said they'd probably come to the show today. whatever.

this morning caroline and i played with the kittens. pippi has ringworm. so we have to put this medicine on her and she looks ridiculous. we also have photographic evidence of our morning frivolity. videos too.

i need to pack for college.
also, i need to read this crap book they sent me about a kid who finds out he's black. how do you discover your race? can't you just be like - oh, i'm black when you're born? i hope i don't discover i'm black. not in a racist way. but i guess that's what it's about. imagine someone telling you you're black. it's not enough to write a book about. but it would be pretty strange.

i can't decide if i need to get a haircut before school. i guess i should? because it's getting pretty long. but i'm digging the length it is. well, i hate it, but it's comforting when it's this long. and it'll keep me warm.

my mom is home.

i need to feed the rabbit.

and we need cranberry juice.
we're out.

03:00 p.m. on Saturday, August 5, 2006:

also, the weather is lovely.

02:52 p.m. on Saturday, August 5, 2006:

i'm not quite sure if anyone has ever had a day THAT boring. that was eight hours of sitting on a stool. at least i get paid for it. i'm glad i have a job, though. my paychecks have been huge these last two times. which is nice because that means i can go to college. i have princes of the universe stuck in my head. also, bb (bag boys) (meaning matt and company) might come see the show tonight. which is really cool. i might wear my new shoes--shocking i know. (we've come to be the rulers of your world!) i guess i'm also glad i'm doing west side story. it's nice to see the lame-o highschoolers that i thought i'd never see again. that and getting molested by kenny durring intermission each night have made quite an impact on my summer. the cast party last night was LAME. maybe if caroline comes tonight we can show these hoodlems how to party. i don't know if we're dressing up tonight. logically we'll do it tomorrow. so jeans and my brown aligator heels tonight. is what i'm thinking. though it doesn't really matter. on a ridiculously girly note - i just bought two new shirts that are awesome! they remind me of anthropologie shirts but they're not. they're just cool. has it been twenty minutes yet? my hair's still wet. i think it's only been ten minutes. what evs. so i'm off to take a nap seeing as i got three hours last night. and then off to the show i suppose. i only have three hours until i have to be there so i guess it'll be a quick nap.

09:27 a.m. on Friday, August 4, 2006:

i keep getting these little emails that show up in my spam folder. they have little stories in them. no advertisements, no attatchments. just thirty or fourty sentences of a story. and they don't link together. i get them from different people. and they just come all the time. there's no unsubscribe link to follow. and im not quite sure if i want them to stop. it's almost welcomed spam. because it's fun.

10:59 p.m. on Thursday, August 3, 2006:

i'm tired. i said that an hour ago. and i said i was going to bed. but i'm awake. because i'm borderline sick and i'm not quite sure if i want to go to bed because i know it will feel like i've actually lost sleep. it would be kinder to pull a veil over the remainder of my thoughts seeing as they're quite lengthy -- not to mention will be put into quite a rambling and seemingly pointless entry. although, letters of encouragement, quatities of dark chocolate, chinese food and negotiable bills of exchange may be sent to me by wellwishers. although, i ask them in the interests of my ultimate recovery, not to include feeble attempts to rectify the standing situation or include any lousy jokes in the letters of encouragement.

muck. muck. muckity muck.

i am a slightly sick bear.

a slightly sick bear who is listening to bjork.

today i took a nap and had a dream about patrick lane. he was still dreamy in my dream. perhaps because patrick lane is a perpetually dreamy kind of guy. and will never cease to have his dashing looks.

i'd rather dance with you than talk with you. so why don't we just move into the other room? there's space for us to shake, and hey, i like this tune.

i speak jive.

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR YOUR FRIVOLITY!

i think i'm having an intelligence break down.

we do not want religious or anti religious biggots voting.

ek es in my knoppies.

perhaps i'm in this weird mood because one of the kittens died. just kidding!!!! both are alive. last i knew. and i think fritter is still alive. which i guess is something to be happy about. dead kittens would ruin the day.
for sure.

this entry has proved a waste. an absolute waste. although, the suggestion for sending me sustenance in the form of chocolate and chinese food and emotional sustenance (emo-sus) through letters and garage-band mixes on cassette tapes. (that's an amendment to my list)

oh ani just shut up. you're such a women. ani. sometimes i'm feeling you. tonight. shut up.

10:50 p.m. on Thursday, August 3, 2006:

i just went to use a desktop computer and couldn't believe how big the screen was. and i am also now inept at using a mouse or regular keyboard since i spend all my time on my laptop. i felt almost dyslexic typing just now because i really coudn't find the keys i wanted. weird. the screen also seems increadibly bright compared to this one. perhaps that's just because it's bigger and, thus, gives off more light.

10:12 p.m. on Thursday, August 3, 2006:

so the senior citizens show wasn't that bad. and crew bows every night! granted, spotting someone while the curtain is closing and then jumping out of the platform like a suicidal maniac to make bows in time is pretty fun. crazy! oh man, it's exciting. i totally made it tonight which is cool. caroline almost made it but not quite. i'm glad i'm doing this show. it's a ton of fun--but i didn't go to the diner tonight because i have to work tomorrow. though i think i'll check out the cast party tomorrow even though i'm working saturday. i should probably go to bed. it's so hot! hopefully it'll cool down with the storm tonight.

02:52 p.m. on Thursday, August 3, 2006:

I keep forgetting that I changed my settings so my trackpad can't click anymore. So I keep pounding on it. And then I realize that I have to actually click.

I can't believe opening night is tonight. Caroline and I were thinking about dressing up --me as a Jet her as a Shark--but I don't know if we're going to get around to doing that. In any event, I would like to be wearing pants, and not a skirt. You can't wear shorts in the catwalk. No matter how hot. Especially because you rest the spot on your knee a lot. So it's nice to be wearing pants. I suppose there's a cast party tonight? I'm not quite sure. I'm not up on the cast party schedule at all for this show. I suppose I should start moving -- call is at five so I've got two hours to get into clothes and eat something etc etc. And make myself some dinner. So I guess I need to get off my computer. I've been uploading songs all day from my desktop to my laptop. And from old cds and things to my laptop. I eventually want to get photoshop onto this laptop but I don't think that's really possible. Oh well. Anyways, I'm off.

10:38 p.m. on Wednesday, August 2, 2006:

so rehersal actually went well tonight. i'm not quite sure if will showed up but whatever. spots kicked ass as usual and the floor crew wasn't that bad. and, i may be misremembering but i don't think we had any random blackouts tonight either. and the spots are fixed! well, almost. mine still doesn't dim in so i have to turn on, dim out, then dim in.

in other news, the yb office is being relocated. which i have mixed feelings about. i mean, that space is too big. but that's okay. i'm helping with the move. today was my last offical day working. i still need to pop in and grab my cds and the pictures off the e-drive. but proofs are finally done!

we went out to lunch today. and it was really good.

and, i was seriously booked today. matt's booked tomorrow. friday...work then show then party so that's booked. saturday work then show then party...so that's booked. sunday, show then party. maybe sunday evening? after spending five days in a row with matt, waiting until sunday feels kind of impossible. also, in one hour and twenty two minutes, i will have only a month left before i go to school. AH!

11:24 p.m. on Tuesday, August 1, 2006:

also, i need some hand lotion. and i have some pretty serious stubble burn. caroline's got battle wounds. which are quite impressive. mines not that bad, but if you touch both our chins you can feel it,

11:18 p.m. on Tuesday, August 1, 2006:

i know i know. i never blog anymore. well, this week i've been really off. but i'm really tired. and never ever at home. today, for example. it was work at seven (actually i woke up at seven o two. and then freaked out and got to work half an hour late.) off at two. movies with matt until about four thirty. chill with matt until five thirty. jump in pool with close still on. swim about for three minutes. remove shirt and skirt. swim around for five minutes. dry off. go to rehearsal. get home at eleven. sleep. well, blog. sleep. tomorrow it's yearbook, lunch with old woman, yearbook, rehearsal. sleep. i thought summer wasn't supposed to be as busy as my school year, eh? i guess that's not part of the plan anymore.

06:30 p.m. on Sunday, July 30, 2006:

i guess seeing as i've only got one month left, this is a pretty good pace. Actually, one month and four days. those four days are really important. because who knows what we can get done in one day, letalone four. also, i don't think i can ever go to work again. hah, this is going to be weird. and fun i guess. but mostly weird. oh yeah -- at the movies, when we walked in yesterday, they were playing goldfrapp! so i ran up to the dj and told him it was one of my favorite bands. because it is. and oh man! i had a good music night. they played sigur ros in the movie too. so, granted miami vice was violent and bloody and loud, but, it also had great taste in music. today i worked. which took a long long time to go through--slow days after the member guest. not so slow afternoon. although i did take a nap which was sorely needed. thus, i can claim it was a productive day--regaining sleep is certainly high on my list of things to do. also-- i'm done house sitting! thank goodness. finally i'll get some sleep and not have to worry about those dogs. i'm never getting a dog. and that's final. i think i'm going to take a nap again. i'm so tired. crazy past few days. and no sleep. makes jack a dull boy.

05:00 a.m. on Thursday, July 27, 2006:

i had another bad dream last night. the guy--well, let me explain, okay. right before will's band started to play, everyone went outside to get some air. and so i'm hanging out by the fence, and this weird old man who kept smiling in our direction came up and said, "that was some mighty fine dancing young lady." so i had this dream that i was in the gilmore girls 24 dance marathon but he was running it and if you got out he killed you. and i was really really scared. man, i need a break from these creepy dreams.

12:28 a.m. on Thursday, July 27, 2006:

that was so much fun! i'm so glad will called. granted, i was kind of ready for a night in -- i had just (literally, just) gotten out of the shower, and will invited me down to the veterans thing where the raging bonheurs were playing. so we went and danced and danced and danced and. then will's band played a few songs afterwards (including highschool education which is definitely my favorite song) and we saw so many people we knew. jordan bell was there and kate traub and max calloway and a cosgrove and oh man, there were too many people to list. oh, did i mention it was a costume party? yup. i was a bumble bee. will was a cowboy. preston merritt was covered in mudd--i'm not quite sure what that was all about. wow. that was so much fun. and then we went swimming at my house. which was great because it's so freaking hot! anyways. pippi is attacking the glowing apple on the back of my laptop. and i am going to bed! i have to work tomorrow at six am so i need some sleep. although i wont get any because pip is being crazy! and wont stop jumping on me. anyways, night!

08:04 a.m. on Wednesday, July 26, 2006:

i had the worst nightmare in my life last night!!!! let's see how much i can remember:

we were at nationals again. but it was nationals now. so, i knew nothing. so, it started and we were in the room and our papers were actually all in the bicen book. the one from last year? that everybody wrote on different topics? except it was on really fancy cardstock. anyways. i was really really freaking out that our notecards had been replaced with these booklets. i was yelling about how i didn't have my paragraphs memorized and how i didn't remember which ones were mine and if we could go over it really quickly before the judges got there. the whole unit was being really lazy and stupid and said we'd just wing it. so i had a panic attack. but then the judges were there! and they didn't sit accross the room, they sat right infront of us! so i looked down at the papers really quickly to see if i could at least figure something out, and the papers were different! there was definitely dialogue in our first paper. so i leaned accross the table and said, "jess, what the fuck is this?!" and she said, "oh, aurora and i thought that it was a little boring and conventional so we added dialogue." and i asked who was supposed to read it and she said she forgot to decide and that we'd wing that too. as i'm sure you can immagine our performance was less than stellar. and a little ways into follow-ups i got up and left because i had to go to the bathroom. but instead i somehow ended up in my back yard where my parents were sitting by the pool heater talking to two indian guys who apparently were my room mates for college. i'm not quite sure about that part. anyway i asked my parents permission to go to the bathroom even though i had already left the competition and i went to the bathroom, came back and follow-ups were still going on! but! jess aurora and will were gone. it was just allison and deena. (yes i know deena's not on our unit. or in bicen. whatever) and when i came in allison looked up and said, "Gracie! thank god!" and so everyone turned and i came in and the woman (judge) was asking them about vampires! as if that had anything to do with the constitution! anyways, some other events happened that i can't really remember but now! it's the second day of questioning. and we were all in one big room and apparently we were testifying all at the same time. so everyone was going crazy. there were paper airplanes and havoc everywhere. chaos too. anyways. will was tied to a chair next to me. and i freaked out again. "WILL WHY ARE YOU TIED TO A CHAIR?!" he mumbled something about sarah baker and that he couldn't untie himself because she'd kill him. so i told him to untie himself for the competition and she'd be testifying and couldn't hurt him. why he didn't just take her out because he's three feet taller than she is didn't really come into questioning then. so i looked farther down the table and jess falcon was suddenly in our unit. and this woman came in who, unbenonced to us was one of our judges. and she came in quietly and just sat there. while the whole room was still screaming and running around. except for u4 which was just me will and jess falcon. anyway, two guys in suits came in (our other judges) and we stood up. and then! the woman who came in yelled at us, "OUT OF ALL THE UNITS YOU'RE THE UNIT THAT DOESN'T RECOGNIZED EQUAL RIGHTS FOR WOMEN! DON'T YOU KNOW ABOUT TITLE NINE, THE NINETEENTH AMENDMENT!.... yadayadayada. so i cried. because we sucked. really. we sucked! so it turned into a college lecture class and one of our judges was apparently the professor and he wrote INCARNATION on the board in some really cool type-ish handwritting that took up the entire board. and he asked us what it meant. and while he was talking, jess falcon was talking to the other judge guy. "i left my registration booklet in the cub (for those of you other than aurora, the cub is the student building at gettysburg college) and i was wondering..." "HEY! I'M TEACHING HERE!" so she got yelled at and (she said, "i'm sorry if i bother" which irked me. i think i shuddered. i hate when people don't finish sentences) was told to shut up by our judge. i seemed to be under the impression that the judge was still a judge and we were still testifying so i cried again because i thought that would bring down our score. so he started teaching again and all the sudden, "because you know, in ten years, i'm going to want to look at my registration booklet and remember this experience. so, is there anyway..." and the judge/prof flipped out again. will's still tied to the chair. all the other units are still behaving like five year-olds and i was freaking out having a panic attack and crying. then caroline woke me up and i had a little jump/spasm. THAT WAS THE WORST DREAM EVER!!! I AM SO TENSE AND HATING EVERYONE ON BICEN FOR BEING JERKS TO ME IN DREAMWORLD!!!! CONSTITUTIONAL BASTARDS! wow, bad start to the day.

05:23 p.m. on Tuesday, July 25, 2006:

i'm really tired. and really hungry. but i'm going out without access to food until about nine. so i guess i should go get something to eat now. that would be good. my mother just threw a giant bug at me. it's now crawling around on the table next to me. it's bigger than a silver dollar. it's long though. it's about the size of my thumb. which, insect wise, is huge!

05:23 p.m. on Tuesday, July 25, 2006:

i'm really tired. and really hungry. but i'm going out without access to food until about nine. so i guess i should go get something to eat now. that would be good. my mother just threw a giant bug at me. it's now crawling around on the table next to me. it's bigger than a silver dollar. it's long though. it's about the size of my thumb. which, insect wise, is huge!

02:20 a.m. on Tuesday, July 25, 2006:

so last night my dad and my sister sat my mom and me down in an attempt to reconsile our differences. it took about an hour of crying and a lot of words but i think we might have finally done it. i wish i could go into more detail but i'm completley drained from it. my brain is tired, my body is tired, my eyes are tired. i'm seriously worn out. thank goodness i don't have to work tomorrow.

in other news, i changed my ringtone.

02:20 a.m. on Tuesday, July 25, 2006:

so last night my dad and my sister sat my mom and me down in an attempt to reconsile our differences. it took about an hour of crying and a lot of words but i think we might have finally done it. i wish i could go into more detail but i'm completley drained from it. my brain is tired, my body is tired, my eyes are tired. i'm seriously worn out. thank goodness i don't have to work tomorrow.

in other news, i changed my ringtone.

06:18 p.m. on Monday, July 24, 2006:

i got a little envelope in the mail of fourteen notecards saying things like, "you are brilliant, beautiful, delightful and an absolute joy to be around," and "your freshness and enthusiasm are contagious and encouraging," and "you're such a positive presence," and "you're one of the most delightful people i've ever met." i guess that made my day worth living through.

today sucked otherwise.

05:31 p.m. on Monday, July 24, 2006:

calgon take me away!

02:28 p.m. on Monday, July 24, 2006:

i guess i don't really think about how other people live in comparisson to myself. but now that i think about it, most people don't have parents like mine. they probably don't hear on a regular basis that they are a "ugly piece of shit" or that they were never loved or that their parents were never proud them despite their resume that has no parallel. most people don't find small spaces in their house to sit alone in the dark hoping they'll never have to come out or be found. and i guess that was me for high school. aurora knows that was certainly not me in middle school. and most people know that's why i became so involved in highschool--so i never had to be home. and that worked for me. never having to see my family meant hardly ever having to be told what a horrible kid i was and how no one liked me. summer, on the other hand, is quite different. now i hear it almost every day. and i'm sick of it. i'm sick of being told that i'm worthless because i know i'm not. i'm sick of being told by my mother that she has never loved me and that she is not one bit proud of the things that i do. i have over a month left before i go to college, and if there's one thing we agree on, it's that we can't wait for me to go to college. currently, i'm sitting inbetween the storm doors to my basement and the door that enters the storage room. this is my largest hiding spot. it's just a little cement room with stairs leading up and out. usually it was in a cabinet or under a bed or i'd just pack a backpack and walk out. i'm really tempted to finally take up mrs. durfee's offer from middle school. i remember when she told me if it got too hard for me to handle, there was always a place i could stay at her house. it's it's getting a little hard to handle. granted i have only a month left. but i'm not sure i can last that long without doing something drastic. today, i thought about killing my mother. i thought about taking a kitchen knife and plunging it into her based on how many times she had hit me, kicked me, spat on me, pulled my hair, swore at me, and told me she didn't love me. then she'd surely be dead and i wouldn't have to worry about it any more. and then i realised, this is not how people are supposed to live! aren't people happy? don't most people love their families? granted they can get into fights but i'm the only one i know who spends their time in little concrete rooms. i guess i'm just looking for some advice on what to do. because, currently, i'm not so sure i can tough this out any more. and each time i think about leaving, i feel better. but what about college? what about work? how am i going to live like that? and put that burden on someone else. i can't do that. i remember jess telling me that i can't let people walk over me my entire life and i have to be less nice eventually and finally do something for myself rather than pretend nothing is wrong. which i know is the right thing to do, but that makes me feel needy. that makes me feel like i can't do something on my own which is not someting i accept readily. i know i'm going to end up staying here because that's the easiest thing for me to do right now. and just, submit. for one more month! that's it! i'm almost done. but an entire month of this could certainly kill any spirit, no matter how strong and how inherently happy it is. i don't care. i need help. i need to get out of here.

01:56 p.m. on Monday, July 24, 2006:

this woman on who wants to be a milionaire is an idiot. she's guessing on every question. on really easy questions, such as, "lighthouses guided the way of" a)planes b) trains c)sailors d) tipsy shepards. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? and she just sat there! also, "some people in hawaii are referred to as kiwis after what animal?" a)bird b)insect c)fish d)lizard. and she said "well, i'm torn between two. it could be a lizard" OH MY GOD! IT'S A FREAKING BIRD! now i'm watching maury. yolanda and is bask to find out if ty cheating on her with her best friend mimi. it's just her on stage with maury. she's jumping around and moving the furniture around. and bouncing. and gesturing. OH! she just threw a chair. okay. and the OKAY she's jumping and yelling. and her fiancee is still not on stage. and she's jumping around. apparently there was a picture of her friend naked in her fiancee's pocket. this makes me feel really good about where i am in life.

01:27 p.m. on Monday, July 24, 2006:

i don't remember if it was last night that aurora was over/i was over auroras. i guess i could look it up in past entries. i was up until about four. and i just woke up. and i didn't have my glasses on so i thought it was seven twenty seven not one twenty seven. but it's far far later than seven thirty. anyways, i think perhaps i might die if caroline doesn't leave for college soon. she leaves first. and we have another month. and, basically, she's become a freak. and, i really can't stand her any more. i'm not sure if she notices, but she really is impossible to live with, and i really can't take this. especially because i'm the one that's been living here, not her, so you would think, that she wouldn't be so demanding about everything. but no, she doesn't understand. she just dictates and screams and whines and flips out about everything. for example: a washcloth, in it's place on the towel bar. but oh! i didn't take the time to fold it perfectly, because washcloths don't need to be folded, they can just hang over the bar because they're small. that would be an example of something caroline has flipped out about in the fast 24 hours. flipped out. as in screaming and throwing the washcloth into my room and slamming around. perhaps she has some weird disease. oh well, only a month left to go. although, i have to admit, i'm going to have to try extra hard not to punch her. i'm not sure if she notices that i sit on my hands when she flips out about one thing or another, but perhaps if i just hit her she'll shut up. i guess it's worth a try.

02:24 a.m. on Monday, July 24, 2006:

is it summer? why is it so damn cold. i'm wearing long pants, a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, and a baseball hat. and i'm freezing! in other news: i have an addition to The Things I Would Buy If I Had Infinite Sums of Money list--the lit-up room in justin timberlake's "rock your body" video. that would be pretty sweet.

01:12 a.m. on Monday, July 24, 2006:

u4 was the background of my laptop for as long as i've had it. and i'm sad to say that i've updated it. and it's now jake gyllenhaal. perhaps my unit pride is dwindling?

12:23 a.m. on Monday, July 24, 2006:

it's weird -- since i don't have work tomorrow i can do whatever tonight. but i feel almost guilty at being up late. so i'm going to just stay on aim talking about zombies with bryan. and laughing because aurora and i were so funny tonight with the icecream and the shakira and the people-evaluations. and the stories. well, the story. the explanation, really. and. that's it. though sunny daes was pretty damn good. as was the dancing on the way back to aurora's house to drop off eliza. and romping around my house. and watching house. and the midget show. and! i've freed the chalk board from the storage room. which still has the things kristen and i wrote on it in seventh grade. blast from the past. which makes me want to watch back to the future. my family went out to see the global warming movie tonight but i had just woken up from a three-hour nap so i wasn't really in the mood for something that serious. thus my evening was the complete opposite. which was nice, because i haven't had a "regular" night in awhile because of all the work i've been doing. okay. now i'm talking about milfs with bryan. which means! i need to find something else to do.

06:59 p.m. on Sunday, July 23, 2006:

i feel like a serious teenager. my parents both just came together to tell me to turn my music down. and i'm listening to ac/dc. hah. i should pierce my nose to celebrate.

09:16 p.m. on Saturday, July 22, 2006:

i've been listening to a lot of bollywood lately. which inevitably makes me think of samiya. the other day at work, i was talking to a bag boy (bill, who's not really a bag boy. he's maybe 65.) and he asked what high school i went to and, naturally i told him ths. the first thing he said was, "yeah, it's a shame about that girl. i hear she was on yearbook, yes? it's too bad because if her parents had let it, the boy wouldn't have dropped her off where he did." i hadn't thought about samiya in so long, and it was something i wasn't really expecting. part of me wanted to just stay in the cart barn all day and think about her. and going to her house and seeing all of her relatives there crying. hugging her mom and dad. getting that phone call in anthropologie while buying prom dresses. i spent a lot of money that afternoon--although i can honestly say, thearapy shopping does not really work. and everytime i wear that dress i think of her. at any rate, i'm going to bed. i'm tired, and said i was going to bed when it was still seven.

07:45 p.m. on Saturday, July 22, 2006:

the people next door are having a very loud and very ethnic party. they're blasting indian music. which, normally is great because i love indian music-- but it's a little loud. it's not all indian...they played every lame dance song in existance about an hour ago. i suppose indian is better than macarana. i'm so tired! i want to go to bed but it's seven forty five! but i have to get up early tomorrow so maybe i should just sleep while i can. maybe i'll get some icecream first.

07:05 p.m. on Saturday, July 22, 2006:

lalalala. i guess i'm in a pretty good mood. i just wish something would happen! jeeze.

my dad killed it today! we could have won!!!! not that it matters b/c it's the parent offspring. but still. he missed a one foot put on eighteen!

let me take you to the movies, let me take you to the show. (zep is calming my nerves. that's what kind of mood i'm in. i'm going to get out of these parenthesis now. because they're currently unnecessary) there we go. (let me wander in your garden and the seeds of love i'll sew. you know(oh oh oh!) anyways. oop, still in parenthesis) so. i got into my bio class. today! it sure took long enough. but i'm finally in the class and no longer on the waitlist. i wish i could say that happened twice today but no dice. oh man! i think about it now and kick myself for not moving three feet forward and just telling it like it is. if only if only. for now, i can only sit here and find similar color blues. and smile to myself because of how much of a girl i'm being. and a silly stupid one at that. i wish i could just forget this. then again, i can't stop smiling which, i suppose, is good. who am i kidding? this is fantastic! but man!!! three feet. i can't get that color out of my head!

12:18 p.m. on Saturday, July 22, 2006:

I GOT IN!!!!!
oh man, my life is complete! this is the best day of my life!

10:15 p.m. on Friday, July 21, 2006:

i went swimming. i couldn't think of anything else to do. i'm so out of it tonight--i didnt even bother to walk upstairs and find a swimsuit. i went directly outside, pulled off my shirt and my jeans and dove in. i wass out there for a long time. just floating around. swimming back and forth. but my tactics weren't working. i knew that. so, after awhile, i walked back inside dripping wet with my clothes under one arm and came upstairs. i took a quick shower, and threw on some dry pajamas. now i'm in bed. at ten on friday night. and i have to play golf tomorrow.

08:58 p.m. on Friday, July 21, 2006:

i've been watching gilmore girls all day. in my down time today, i mean. i just finished disc two. i know this is a lame entry--i'm just trying to get my mind off of other things.

08:20 p.m. on Friday, July 21, 2006:

i am miserable. simply miserable! i didn't know this could turn into something this big. but it has. and, i know every once in awhile i make little vague comments about this and that and i know this is one of them, but sometimes, knowing the people who read this, i dont feel comfortable being less vague about these things. especially these things. i spent all morning thinking and wondering and spending time worrying. and then, it hit me, and i almost fell to the ground--i was panicking! and, although i don't exactly fancy myself a care-free kind of girl, this was ridiculous. i was pacing and mumbling to myself and basically, curling into a little ball ready to cry! i'm not quite sure why even. i have this little knot in my stomache that wont go away, i can't take my mind off it! this is impossible, how do people live like this? and then, when it finally happened. i'm there--in the moment, i'm there! and what? nothing! absolutley nothing. zippo. maybe i'm reading this the wrong way. if i talked to myself at the beginning of the year, my past self would slap me and say "pull yourself together!" but i can't! and this always happens. i always get like this until that nothing becomes something. and when that happens it's all over. i shut down. not shut down as in break down-shut down as in i turn off. the nerves are gone simply because i don't feel anymore. and this always happens! and i know i'm being a girl about this and i know most people (perhaps all people) have no idea why i'm so grumpy at home or why i keep posting these ridiculous posts. or why i'm checking my cell phone religiously. but it's that little green light that keeps staring back. i keep thinking i'll see it go red and start to flash. but it doesn't. which is perfectly logical! perfectly! i mean, if i stretch, i can make it flash in my minds eye. but it doesn't seem like the world is being particularly flexible tonight. it's like, i'm trying to get out of a room, and i think if i turn one way and look in the right direction i can see the door and i think to myself, "wow this was easy, why was i so scared the door didn't even exist" and then, when i reach out for the knob, it doesn't turn. because it's not even real. i spent so much time looking for it, that i just made it up. and it's a beautiful door too. tall (which looks great with the high ceilings and dark moldings) but in the middle, is some beautiful detailing. and, when you're far away, it looks like a regular door. and it doesn't mean anything to you. but when you see it--really see it--it's perfect. and you know you should be laughing at yourself for believing in it, but for some reason you're not. you can only stare. hoping the door will open itself. thinking, even if you got that knob to turn, you know you're too scared to walk through it. and once it opens, you would rather stay trapped in the room forever and let that door swing shut without you going through it than taking a chance and jumping, eyes shut tight, hoping there was something on the other side. so you think to yourself- there are other doors. of course there are. but they're all the same. none particullarly as perfect as this one. but you realize, in the end, you're going to be afraid to walk through any of those doorways anyways. and it doesn't matter how perfect or not perfect they are. it doesn't matter that they look a little scruffy or have beautiful blue eyes, because you're scared. to admit to anything.

hah. even now, even now i wish i hadn't thought, let alone written it, wished that it had never happened. i could press a key, a milky film spread over the fatal and inopportune lines, and press delete and woosh! all gone. but that's not all. the problem with suicide is that sometimes you jump out the window and then change your mind between the eighth floor and the seventh. 'oh, if only i could go back!' sorry, you can't. too bad. splat. i can't even decide what i'm thinking about anymore. on one hand i think i will not go from one bar to another, disintegrating thoughts with tracer bullets. i will not jump out any windows or walk through any doors because there will inevitably be a chance i could actually fall on my face. but then. hah. then there's what i think about most of the time. the times before this. before it came to this. when i just thought about that golden handle in my palm. how cool it felt-how i suddenly felt a jolt of energy run through my arm when i felt it's smoothness on my fingertips. but, one way or another, i will have to let go of it. even though halfway through the door is the most comfortable possition i can get myself into, sooner or later i'm going to have to chose which side i'm on.

green light. today. means. stop.

08:46 a.m. on Friday, July 21, 2006:

i've relocated outside simply because my little window does not represent this rain well. so i'm on my front porch with my feet up on a wicker chair, smelling. and smiling of course. ooh! lightning. THUNDER!!!! perhaps this can become like aurora's runway journal. although me alternating between saying "lightning" and "thunder" and sometimes "THUNDER!!!!" isn't very interesting. plus the rain is letting up anyway.

08:41 a.m. on Friday, July 21, 2006:

it's raining.

08:35 a.m. on Friday, July 21, 2006:

okay. come on! this class has to open up! i'm next on the waiting list! there are other classes that are open! and this is the only one that fits my schedule!!!!!! this is frustrating. but will be extremely good when it works itself out. it suddenly got very dark at my house. i'm sitting up on the kitchen counter next to the window and some tomatoes. and a basil plant that's practically in my lap. this is my favorite spot in my entire house. my family laughs when they see me sitting on the counter, but they just don't understand what a good spot this is--or perhaps they're jealous that they didn't think of it first. it's surpringly comfortable - but not too comfortable so you fall asleep. there's a nice breeze and fresh air from the window. there's food and water within an arm's reach. perfect lighting any time of day, and, i feel like i get a lot done when i'm sitting here. also, we're out of milk. so i put soy milk on my cerial. which was sort of weird. but not bad.

05:48 p.m. on Thursday, July 20, 2006:

i'm so sick of my skin. i know i'm being kind of a girl complaining about this, and i guess i should be lucky that this is the least of my worries. and that it will go away. but seriously, has anyone ever seen it this bad before? no. that's because it hasn't been this bad. ever. anyways. unit tonight? maybe? i hope so. but an indoors kind of thing. i want to wear pajamas. i am wearing pajamas. i want to keep wearing pajamas.

11:09 a.m. on Thursday, July 20, 2006:

i love ken salazar. i think we should make him an honorary member of u4. he sounds like a u4 person.

10:32 p.m. on Wednesday, July 19, 2006:

who we saw at starbucks:

laura tesoro
rob ganim
tony gallo
charity
tibo
anna gitelman
emily hyman
chris faford
eric sommer
chris wowk
laura (chris' gf)
dani zorzy
sarah baker
and a bunch of other people i don't remember. we met some kid named zach that will knows. he had a really nice ass. if you were wondering. anyways, i'm off to bed--work tomorrow.

07:36 p.m. on Wednesday, July 19, 2006:

summary for the day:

lunch with jess. discuss life in general. jess pays for lunch. gracie is graceous. granted, gracie paid for lunch last time. and gracie only had five dollars anyway.

beach! we went swimming. and sat around and discussed more life in general. we were in the water for a long time. more than two hours. and hannah got bit by a crab. or clipped. or whatever. and mallory's cooler was also a radio! and she brought pirate fruit snacks. rk called and was like, "oh, i think i might come, sounds like fun." and we said "haha, sorry rk, we're going home." oh well.

tonight: out with jess (other jess. u4 jess. zip-pow! jess. i'm not quite sure why she's zip-pow jess, but she is now) and perhaps a few other people. not quite sure what we're doing. movies? dinner. something fun.

in other news: mark apparently wants to hang out. so i guess we'll get around to that because we haven't hung out in awhile. maybe we'll golf. but maybe we'll just hang out. also jess and i will be playing golf in the near future-- but what else is new. and, i have work tomorrow--again, what else is new. the answer to that is nothing. now that i've updated everything that was new. anyways, i need to get ready to go out tonight.

02:35 p.m. on Wednesday, July 19, 2006:

also, my mac network--i just noticed--is named bonjour. and it named itself. hah!

i just looked up because i heard a car and i thought it was mallory. (i'm on the porch outside) it's a huge truck! and it pulled into my driveway. the driver waved and then backed back out and continued on it's way. that was weird. and it wasn't mallory. unless she's turned into a guy and drives a really big truck. and if that's the case then she forgot to actually get me into the car before she left. sucks to her ass-mar.

02:31 p.m. on Wednesday, July 19, 2006:

i'm excited for the beach. i just got back from lunch with jess, so i'm not going to be hungry when mal brings me rollie pollie, but WHATEVER. i'm going to eat it anyway. (low-ri-der) i'm also excited for college. recently i've been getting lots of messages from some really cool kids. and that makes me excited. i put facebook on my phone. so now i get a text everytime someone writes on my wall or ads a picture of me or sends me a message or pokes me. and i can do it back to them. so i'im really excited. i've already got a bunch of text from facebook this morning. this morning has been a good morning. coincidence between facebook, the beach, out to lunch and a good morning? i think not.

02:23 p.m. on Wednesday, July 19, 2006:

two bio classes are now open. and they don't fit my schedule! i'm next on the waiting list so i hope something clears out soon. okay, okay. now i'm a little pisssed. because i can make both classes. i just can't make the lab. in both of them. oh well, something is bound to change. i'll either get into the class i'm on the waitinglist for or another one will open up and i'll be able to fit that one into my schedule. anyways. off to the beach!

07:02 p.m. on Tuesday, July 18, 2006:

i'm feeling like i'm getting a little sick. my throat hurts. i'm massively tired. and i miss my u4.

09:07 a.m. on Tuesday, July 18, 2006:

i'm at work - so i'll blog last night later when i get home. i just wanted to mention that sufjan stevens was on the music choice channel we listen to on tv. come on feel the illinoise. heck yes. also, this situation sucks. because it's fun not knowing because there's excitement and surprise, but not knowing sucks because you don't know!

01:47 p.m. on Monday, July 17, 2006:

re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re
respect

i'm in a very zen mood this afternoon. i woke up at eleven. i was tired from last night. and a girl just called and asked if i can work for her tomorrow. which i said yes to, but i'm going out tonight! oh well, i can sleep when i'm dead i suppose.

01:51 p.m. on Sunday, July 16, 2006:

hah. that's all i can say. and - no. the answer is no. we're not, he might want to. and i might want to. but we're not. because it's probably no for both of us. also:

Dear Ryan,
Please stop touching me.
Thank you,
Gracie

ps - that includes standing too close to me.

10:52 p.m. on Saturday, July 15, 2006:

they're leaving for gettysburg tomorrow. i'm pretty upset that i'm not going this year. i'm pretty upset that b wants to name jamie the eic for next year. i'im pretty upset it's going to suck next year. i'm pretty upset that samiya died this year. i'm pretty upset things will never be the same as they were in gettysburg. i'm pretty upset that i'm never going to get those times back. i'm pretty upset that i'll never get to be a part of the trillium staff again. i'm pretty upset i'll never get to be on bicen again. i'm pretty upset that it seems like we're never going to have a bicen party again. i'm pretty upset nationals is a thing of the past. i'm pretty upset that i don't see my unit much any more. i'm pretty upset highschool is over.

10:40 p.m. on Saturday, July 15, 2006:

i'm currently regretting my decision not to go to the party tonight. tomorrow, however, i will not be. seeing as work is at 6 tomorrow and there's no way i'd survive after that. hannah has a party tomorrow for graduation which i'm looking forward to. i think before that my dad and i are going to try and fit in a quick nine so we can kick ass in the parent-offspring next saturday.

09:34 p.m. on Saturday, July 15, 2006:

i beat return to archapeligo. yes i did. haha. it took me a few hours. and my dad and i went to watch the baseball game down at ths. my package didn't come today which makes me rather irritated, but i suppose it may come monday. as tomorrow there is no mail. (cursed sundays) in any case, it shall arrive and i will be a happy camper. in other news: i have work tomorrow. also, it is hot. it will become hotter. this, is true.

04:05 p.m. on Saturday, July 15, 2006:

so i looked it up online. the louis vuitton purse. that we got for 35 dollars. it's a 500 dollar purse. and it's real. hah. this is really really awesome.

03:19 p.m. on Saturday, July 15, 2006:

current things i'm listening to:
"legs" -zztop
"low rider" - war
(or should i say low-ri-der)
"say it loud, i'm black and i'm proud" - james brown
"walk like a man" -frankie valley and the four seasons
"touch me" - doors
"money" - pink floyd
"jumping jack flash" - stones

obviously there's more. this is a fun playlist, although i'm slightly ashamed of the james brown, but it's fun to sing along to. then again so is low rider and it's not quite so shameful.

03:06 p.m. on Saturday, July 15, 2006:

yesterday i got asked out again. this time to a country music concert--seeing as country is my least favorite music genre, that was an easy one to get out of. in other news, i found a louis vuitton purse at goodwill. a real one. for thirty five dollars. today is my day. tomorrow is hannah and dan's party. and work in the morning. i need to take a shower and then keep dancing about. it's a dancing kind of day. even if i'm a little tired.

04:15 p.m. on Thursday, July 13, 2006:

i want to find anne frank before i bite it. i wonder if you get to choose that kind of thing. like, who's face you go out looking at, you know, like, in your minds eye, that is. or if someone just appears, like, "haha, boo!"" and you're like, "oh fuck!"

04:07 p.m. on Thursday, July 13, 2006:

you were never a good lay. and you never were a good friend. you were never very kind. and you let me way down every time.

i was just at yearbook. finishing up the first batch of supplement proofs. and i finally got most of my stuff out of the office. b says she's thinking of making jamie spinelli the eic. i'm not too fond of that idea. i said atleast do co-editors of her and shana or her and kenny. there's no way she can handle that job by herself. then again the book's going to suck anyway. so i guess i don't really care. i looked through her list of possible themes and starred "on the verge." not bad. way better than "puzzle" and "building blocks." sheesh. anyways, i have a lot to do today. i need to check my schedule for my next year bio class. and i had something else i needed to do on facebook. whatever, i'll remember it. and i need to clean my bathtub. and then i think i'll take a shower.

09:12 a.m. on Wednesday, July 12, 2006:

i woke up this morning thinking chapter 19! paragraph 222! "whenever the legislators endevor to take away and destroy the property of the people or reduce them to slavery under an arbitrary power, they put themselves into a state of war with the people, who are thereupon absolved from any further obedience." oh man. unit love. and how about a shout for remembering my john lock quote from january? i think a bicen party is inorder. hah! whenever the legeslators endevor to take away and destroy the property of the people! i miss bicen.

09:04 p.m. on Tuesday, July 11, 2006:

work. was early. six thirty. pro-3 lady. lots of work. and lots of problems. all in all, not too bad. i bought new golf shoes. and after work jess, dom and kristina and i went to go play 18, but the rain! it wasn't even rain, it was just thunder and lightning. then the power went out. so we played 9 on the back. dom holed out on 10 from 110. which was pretty amazing. we had fun! and then dinner at the grill & bar was fun (and really good!) we saw joe malf and his girlfriend. john gordon was our waiter. and we saw andy spalla in the parking lot and ms. mccool heading into happy house. trumbull center was a happening place tonight. and, most exciting of all - my laptop is here. and it's perfect.

06:26 p.m. on Monday, July 10, 2006:

in other news. i'm seriously hungry. and i've sucessfully hooked up my new printer (which came in the mail today, sans powerbook.) wirelessly to my desktop. because, well, i kick ass. and. my anthropologie order came in today. today is a good day. today is a day when our for fathers can live together in harmony. today is the apocolypse. today is freaking great.

06:18 p.m. on Monday, July 10, 2006:

i'd just like to say that i kicked ass at work today. whether it was selling tons of clothes, balls, clubs, fixing up drew's bloody arm with a bandaid, dispensing advil, seting up the carts, i kicked major butt. and i did it in style. also, the vaccuum at work is broken. and the pro 3 lady is tomorrow. and it NEEDS to be perfect tomorrow. so i'm bringing my vaccuum from home. so it's perfect. i'm excited. maybe i'll get some free pens or razors. (it's sponsored by bic. i got razors last year. then again i played in it. whatevs) also. perhaps people don't realise we can hear them talk in the bag room from the proshop.
"who's the chick?"
"what chick?"
"the girl!"
"oh, that's gracie winschel."
"she works here?"
"don't even think about it."
"what?"
"proshop girls are off-limits. especially her."
"why?"
"first of all, she's way too good looking for you. second of all, she's way too smart for you. third of all, she could kick your ass at golf. she was captain of the team at trumbull. fourth of all, her dad's the chairman of the golf committee. fifth of all, everyone likes her. if you date, they will stare you down. if you break up, they will kill you. plain and simple. she's seriously off limits."
"oh, so she's one of those girls."
"she's actually one of the nicest people i've ever met. just, don't go for it. you'll kill yourself trying."

09:03 p.m. on Sunday, July 9, 2006:

you know what's kind of weird? today i wrote a pretty long entry trying to clear my head about family things, and now it's gone. i've never had that happen before. i guess it's just the same, as i got what i needed to off my chest, but that's really weird. i'm sort of thinking someone logged onto my account and deleted it because i've been using the same password for everything since elementary school. thus, many people know my password. but why on earth would someone do that? i'm currently puzzled and slightly miffed.

09:02 p.m. on Sunday, July 9, 2006:

bad news: i have to go to work tomorrow

good news: i don't have to go until nine!

more good news: my kittens love me.

08:51 p.m. on Sunday, July 9, 2006:

the icecream truck came! the icetream truck has never come, but today it came to my house! oh what fun! and, little giants has to be one of the best movies of all time. and! pippi keeps prancing around and this brings me much joy. currently, though, she's sitting in my windowsill checking out what's going on outside. oop! she's down! she's up! she can't seem to make up her mind. i love kittens. (now she's in my other windowsill)

10:44 a.m. on Sunday, July 9, 2006:

so my schedule for next year is:

Monday:
9:05-10:00 Intensive General Chemistry Honors
11:15-12:30 Calculus I
2:30-5:30 Intensive General Chemistry Honors Lab

Tuesday:
8:10-9:30 Green World Seminar
11:10-12:30 Biological Sciences

Wednesday:
9:05-10:00 Intensive General Chemistry Honors
11:15-12:10 Calculus I
4:05-5:00 Calculus I

Thursday:
8:10-9:30 Green World Seminar
11:10-12:30 Biological Sciences
1:00-4:00 Biological Sciences Lab

Friday:
9:05-10:00 Intensive General Chemistry Honors
11:15-12:10 Calculus I

initially i thought this looked like a pretty open schedule. and compared to highschool i suppose it is. but now it looks really hard. and really full of science. and calc i suppose. no gov or english classes. or italian/french classes. not this semester anyway. man, i can't tell if i'm nervous or excited. i think i'm both. way nervous. way way excited.

06:16 p.m. on Saturday, July 8, 2006:

biology thing=completely solved! plus i had the head of the chem department AND the head of the bio department telling me how cool, intelligent and generally AWESOME i am. oh man. i can't wait for college!!!!!!!!!

01:50 p.m. on Saturday, July 8, 2006:

come on! i'm a biology major! simply because i was out of the country when course registration started does not mean i shouldn't be able to get into a class! i've already emailed my advisor about the full biology classes. and now i think i shall email the professors. because i need to be in that class.

10:14 a.m. on Saturday, July 8, 2006:

happy birthday jess!
birthdays are so much fun!

10:10 p.m. on Friday, July 7, 2006:

get out of my dreams, get into my car.

10:13 a.m. on Friday, July 7, 2006:

Edgar Allan Poe! You are so needy.

10:06 a.m. on Friday, July 7, 2006:

sometimes i wonder if people can really become this bored. then i see things like that and realize, yes they can. of course, this provides endless amusement for those of us who, indeed, are that bored yet don't make videos about ostridges.

05:33 p.m. on Thursday, July 6, 2006:

i just bought my new laptop from apple! oh man, i'm excited! and i'm getting a printer too! and it's costing me a ton of money but i have a job and i won some scholarships so i should be fine. oh i can't wait until it comes!

04:07 p.m. on Thursday, July 6, 2006:

maybe i look older? maybe that's it. i don't know. i guess at the beginning of the year if you asked me i'd say i'd like to be hit on 24 hours of the day. it seems like i can't go twenty minutes in public without being hit on or asked out or eyed. maybe i'll just wear big baggy sweatpants everywhere and a big straw hat. perhaps that will work. anyways, i'm going to go find a kitten. and i think i want to go out tonight. or! rearrange my room. i miss being able to walk into my room and immediatly crash onto my bed. hmm, how shall i arrange this?

09:44 p.m. on Wednesday, July 5, 2006:

fourth of july - play with the kittens with will and jess. go to fireworks with jess and meet up with allison. watch 14 year old boys light each other on fire with firecrackers. go to galaxy diner with jess, allison and will. see a manitoba license plate. order one chocolate milkshake, two rice puddings, two cups of coffee and a slice of cheesecake. see the bionic eye that wasn't really bionic, just gross. fifth of july - manahattan! tout va bien - lunch. lots of french speaking men getting pumped up for the world cup match at three. lemons and vacations were also discussed. we saw sweeny todd. sort-of gross. but very excellent otherwise. we lost my mother so caroline and i opted to simply head to grand central station alone. now i'm going to bed, for i have work tomorrow and every other day of this month. jeeze.

07:03 p.m. on Tuesday, July 4, 2006:

us open was fantastic. jess got a lorena ochoa shirt and we met a 20 year old named ramone from mexico. we stayed with lorena's family and her father gave me a huge hug and jabbered on to me in spanish.

caroline and i went to the mall and gap played feist! gatekeeper to be exact. and forever 21 played morningwood! (nth degree of course) it was amazing.

10:47 p.m. on Saturday, July 1, 2006:

i really appreciate how when you log onto facebook and look at your own profile it says "(this is you)" next to your name. just in case we forgot.

we went to see the devil wears prada. it was okay. i was really excited for it and it wasn't great. but it wasn't terrible -- worth seeing.

and caroline and i raided forever 21 for shirt dresses -- we bought six in total. plus a lot more.

US OPEN TOMORROW! oh man, excited. then, perhaps starbucks?

01:12 p.m. on Saturday, July 1, 2006:

as i'm sure you're aware, i need to eat something every two-three hours i'm awake otherwise i get light-headed and could possibly pass out. i went downstairs because i haven't eaten anything yet today and started to find something to eat when my motehr refused food to me and told me i must finish cleaning my room before i was allowed to eat. i informed her of my light-headed-ness and she doens't care. i can not have food. this is unfair. and unhealthy. seriously unhealthy. so, i'm most likely going to pass out pretty soon. someone please come to my rescue because even if i'm passed out, if my room is not clean (which it won't be because you clean slower when you feel like passing out and once you are passed out you can't clean) my mother will not give me food because my room will not be clean. AAHH!

12:21 p.m. on Saturday, July 1, 2006:

so i'm back from bermuda with an ear infection and a cold. regardless, it was fun. and despite missing jess' party and having to spend a week on a boat with 4,500 other people, i had a good time. while in bermuda:

Day One: At sea. We got on the boat around three thirty and got our luggage around four or five. we unpacked and found our family. we had dinner (i had escargo, caeser salad and strip steak every night) and then my favorite cousin kevin and i hung out. we walked around and didn't meet anyone! so we just hung out and compared musical tastes and then listened to music.

Day Two: At sea. Basically the same thing as day one except we didn't have to unpack. We read books and relaxed and hung by the pool etc. etc. Kevin and I got hungry around ten at night and went to the windjammer (the buffet on deck 11) but it closed at nine thirty so we sat in big chairs right outside listening to music. we were there for about an hour before these kids (lauren, michelle, chad (whom we called ed because he looked like ed norton from fight club (and american history x and a lot of other movies), zach, sean, joe, kelly, julie, john (whom kevin called don because he apparently looked like a don), katie, brittany, alex, marissa, two other guys who's names escape me at the moment, and perhaps a few other kids) so anyway. these kids showed up because they were riding the elevators and saw us. (they're glass elevators and they were right next to where we were sitting) so the consensus was that kevin and i were dating and that we were both really hot. so they came over and discovered we weren't dating (we were shocked at this idea.) and that we were really cool and so we hung out and ate pizza and got to know eachother. we went to optix which is like a teen club and met matt, chris, steve (who was really really cute) jimmy (i think it was jimmy, it might have beein timmy or johnny or something.) and some other kids. we all went to the late night comedy together and then the first group of kids went to bed and kev and i hung out with the new group of kids. we took over optix, actually there was no one in there so we tried to make ourselves strawberry daqueris but everything but the ice was locked up so we made snow and snow men instead. we went to bed around three.

Day Three: Bermuda! We went to the beach. All day. We layed in the sun and body surfed and generally had a good time. While returning the chairs i ran into steve. well, we kind of noticed that we might see eachother but we weren't sure so we smiled and turned away. hah. then we laughed about that later. anyway. we went back to the boat and took showers and changed and headed back out (on a ferry to the next town over) with our favorite relatives (helene, ted, and children ben (10) and julia (7)) to dinner! called harley's. and harley's was written on the wall and on the menus in cassidy. i thought i'd point that out because it excited me. in the middle of dinner this native tribe was dancing around outside in costumes and masks with drums and things so we went outside and watched as they paraded through town. By the time we were ready to go home it had grown dark abd the ferry back turned the lights out so we could see the stars. We sat up top so we could feel the wind and look at the sky. That was amazing. I remember thinking it couldn't get any better than that moment. Right-o because at about eleven (i had gone to bed at about ten because i was tired from the first two nights) i woke up with a splitting headache. not a headache but an earache. and a throat ache. and OH MY GOD! i have never felt such pain. i was crying it hurt so much. so first (my bed pulled out of the ceiling and was above my parents) i crept down and went into the bathroom where i curled up on the floor. etc etc i basicalyl thought i was about to die from a brain tumor. Day Four: One in the morning (still in bermuda) kevin and company (company being all the kids we met the first few days) called my room (i was still up and crying) completley drunk wondering where i was and woke up my parents. my dad took me downstairs to the medical wing and they gave me a blood test and throat culture and determined i had an ear infection. i have never had an ear infection before so whatever. the nurse, who told me i looked like audrey hepburn looked like the woman in run lola, run. and when she gave me a blood test she went through my vein instead of into it so now my arm is all bruised and i look like a heroin addict. anyway. they gave me lots of medicine that was partly sedatives to make me sleep through the worst of it and they told me i couldn't go swimming for a day. looking back, the doctor kind of looked like an oompa loompa. from the new movie. the next day we walked around hamilton for awhile and then came back because i was sick and the medicine made me tired. kevin told me about his drunken escapades and i watched willy wonka three and a half times. first the new one, then the old one, then the new one in spanish and then the first half of the new one again. we had a cocktail party and dinner and then i went to bed. because i was tired.

Day Five: At sea! I hung out with kevin almost all day. and eden. i hung out with eden more, perhaps. anyway, much more exciting was the evening than the day so lets skip to that. i went to the magic show with eden and her mother. her mom bought us both these huge drinks called sex on the beach as graduation presents which, unbenonced to us (although with a name like that we should have known) contained lots of alcohol. (i was told it had a lot in it, what i can remember was her mom saying it had lots of vodka, bacari limon rum, gold tequila and peach liqueur) since i've been alcohol free my entire life, and it just tasted like orange juice and mangos, i wasn't quite sure why i was having so much fun at the magic show. anyway, the woman next to me kept commenting on the acrobatic man's cute butt and eden and i were pretty out of it. anyway, we met up with kevin and the rest of the kids who were all smashed and spent the night having fun. of course, no more drinking for me because i don't drink, i was already a little tipsy, and was kind of mad after her mom told us there was alcohol in the drinks. everyone else was doing shots and eden found a ton of champagne some lady left in the bathroom. anyway. we had fun. lots and lots and lots of fun. and i guess i was spouting off lots of facts whenever something sparked my intelligence. some girl said she was wearing a wig and i started talking about the whigs and jacksonian democracy and how they liked congress a lot and hated the democrats. so they started calling me harvard. which is a pretty good nickname. i'm not going to get into much detail about that evening because the first rule of fight club is - you do not talk about fight club. the second rule of fight club is - you DO NOT talk about fight club. so i went to bed finally! around four thirty and had to wake up at seven for disembarkation and then had to be at work at two. so i worked with drew and came home and slept until about noon. now i'm cleaning and in need of some trumbull kids.

02:12 p.m. on Saturday, June 24, 2006:

i got into my first choice scribner seminar! OH MAN! i'm so excited. it's called green world. here's the info:
The 21st century offers many opportunities and challenges for humans and their interactions with plants, fungi and protists. Do genetically modified crops provide the answer for world agriculture? Are the ever-increasing harmful algal blooms creating an environmental menace to our oceans, fisheries and drinking water? Can “pharming” the rainforests provide new and improved medicines? Do the extirpation of living resources and the prolific bioinvasion of exotic species present untenable ramifications for our ecosystems? The origin and development of civilization ultimately has relied on humankind’s interactions with, and harnessing of, plants, fungi and protists. Students in this seminar will explore present and future applications of these organisms in human affairs. Topics include modern agricultural, medicinal, and ecological aspects of applied plant science and mycology.

sah-weet.

10:43 p.m. on Thursday, June 22, 2006:

i thought i should mention that i've graduated by now. and that we have two baby kittens. aurora came over and took silly pictures of them. and then we ate dinner. and then went swimming. and now i'm going to bed. maybe tomorrow i can clean my room? way exciting, eh?

08:41 a.m. on Wednesday, June 21, 2006:

yesterday i left a note on margonis' car just saying hello and have a nice day, good luck next year etc. etc. and i had a dream that he wrote me back saying he had decided not to teach bicen ever again not because he had a bad experience, but because it was so good and he didn't want to replace that. it was sweet but i was really confused and mad in the dream. as were the other biceners in the dream. i'm glad that won't happen. or, maybe i'm psychic. (i originally typed pschicic. which is not how you spell it. nope.)

08:01 a.m. on Wednesday, June 21, 2006:

even if we ain't got hat's or badges we're a union just by saying so. and the world will know. and the journal too!

When the ciculation bell starts ringin', will we hear it?
NO!
What if the Delancies come out swingin'? Will we hear it?
NO!
When you got 100 voices singin who can hear a lousy whistle blow?

Pulitzer may own the world but he don't own us. Pulitzer may crack the whip but he won't whip us!

And the time is now, the world will feel the fire and finally know!

08:38 p.m. on Tuesday, June 20, 2006:

so, apparently i don't have to take the chem final. and um, one other thing. i took the diagnostic chem test and um, i like, rocked it. so i placed into the ridiculously hard chem 107H class. which you're not allowed to sign up for unless you get permission from this guy, steven frey. and he's my freshman advisor and we were on the phone when he got the results of my test and he said, "oh, wow, so, you're really smart! you need to take the chem 107H class because you aced this diagnostic test." so, yeah, if you didn't know, i'm smart. and i just skipped two years of the chem classes at skidmore. and that's pretty good considering i didn't take the ap or the final. this really bad and stressful day has turned into one of the best days of my life. AND! steven frey worked with a kid last year who double majored in chemistry and government. and he encourages me to do likewise. i'm excited. oh yes! college rocks.

07:32 p.m. on Tuesday, June 20, 2006:

my advisor was supposed to call at seven thirty. it's seven thirty two. and i'm hungry. but i don't want to be eating when he calls. now it's seven thirty three. ahh!

06:45 p.m. on Tuesday, June 20, 2006:

okay, so i took the chem diagnostic test. while listening to the newsies. i think i did pretty well! easy questions. anyway, i'm a little less stressed now that that's over and done with.

04:36 p.m. on Tuesday, June 20, 2006:

i'm going to exploade. i am so stressed out. first the chem thing. now my college advisor is calling in three hours! and i need to take the online chem exam TONIGHT! and i need to pick my seminar and i need to pick my classes TONIGHT! and i don't know what's going on and what forms are what and i HATE COLLEGE PAPERWORK!

09:45 a.m. on Tuesday, June 20, 2006:

disappointed

cayer never showed. can i still graduate? i was there for over an hour. and he never came. i figured it was nice to get an extra hour of studying, but then i realised i had things to do. my grandmother was coming home. it was going to be a tight squeeze if i wanted to get home on time anyway. but now i had no chance and no idea if cayer was even coming. so i left him a note and my book because i figure he needs that if i'm going to gracie (i meant graduate. why did i type my name? i figured i'd leave it in so you could see how my mind is not all together today) anyway. i'm disappointed. i wanted to get this out of the way. i've been studying for hours. and now i have no idea what's going on.

i need to clean the bathroom.

11:39 p.m. on Monday, June 19, 2006:

this reminds me of bryan murphy.

11:07 p.m. on Monday, June 19, 2006:

less than 12 hours.

i hate girls. really. why would you have a stupid lj icon of a flower and text that reads "dost thou love me?" NO. i don't love you. everyone hates you. because you're stupid and can only validate your existance through childish references to love and boyfriends and the like. go kill yourself, please.

10:44 p.m. on Monday, June 19, 2006:

How many songs total?
1581

How many genres/artists/albums total?
genres: 93
artists: 349
albums: 357

Sort by song name - first and last:
'Round Midnight - Sarah Vaughan
Zero to Hero - Hercules

Sort by Artist - first and last:
10,000 Maniacs
Zox

Sort by Time - first and last:
The Locker Room, 30 seconds, Damn Yankees
Harmful If Swallowed, 52 minutes, 47 seconds, Dane Cook

Sort by Album - first and last
10,000 Hz Legend - AIR
Yourself or Someone Like You - Matchbox Twenty

Top Ten Played Songs:
368, Rock 'n Roll, Eric Hutchinson
335, Johnny Saucep'n, Moxy Fruvous
72, Las De La Intuicion, Shakira
70, Mushaboom, Feist
57, Pick Yer Nose, Ani diFranco
54, Diane, Guster
52, I'd Rather Dance With You, Kings of Convenience
47, 21 and Invincible, Something Corporate
46, Twist, Goldfrapp
44, La La Lie, Jack's Mannequin
44, Hula Hoop, Plastic Bertrand

Last Ten Songs Played:
Come on! Feel the Illinoise! - Sufjan Stevens
Cradle and All - Ani diFranco
By Tonight - Say Anything
Banana Pancakes - Jack Johnson
Happy Phantom - Tori Amos
Heights - Matisyahu
All I Need is Everything - Aztec Camera
Jungleland - Bruce Springsteen
Non, Je ne Regret - Edith Piaf
The Big Fight - Stars

Find "sex," how many songs show up?
3: Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too--Say Anything, I Want Your Sex--George Michael, Song Against Sex--Neutral Milk Hotel

Find "death," how many songs show up?
2: Death to Death--Stars, He Lied About Death--Stars

Find "love," how many songs show up?
71: I'm not listing all of them.

Find "peace", how many songs show up?
0

Find "rock", how many songs show up?
45: I'm not listing these either.

But I call, and I call, and I call.

09:13 p.m. on Monday, June 19, 2006:

thank you, aurora.
please sense the sarcasm.

i called her on the phone and she touched herself
she touched herself
she touched herself
i called her on the phone
and she touched herself
i laughed myself to sleep

oh man. i've been through over 400 pages of my chem book. and now, my brain is mush. why? not from the chemistry. oh no. it's the song.

i called her on the phone and she touched herself
she touched herself
she touched herself
i called her on the phone
and she touched herself
i laughed myself to sleep

07:22 p.m. on Monday, June 19, 2006:

man-killing mold and banana pancakes

so i've been studying chem for HOURS! three and a half to be exact. and yet, i don't really know anything. but that's okay. because i don't care what i get. it doesn't matter to me if i get a d or an a. it would obviously be nice to get an a. but if i get a d, i won't care. ah! being done with school rocks.

03:30 p.m. on Monday, June 19, 2006:

when you upload picture onto facebook they make you agree you have the right to distribute the pictures and the pictures are not pornography. hah. our girly sleepover must be censored.

12:42 p.m. on Monday, June 19, 2006:

the girly sleepover:

"Let's get baking. Let's forget everything." - Jess
We bought cake mix (german streusal!) and we wanted to bake, but it was too hot to turn on the oven so we played frisbee in the front yard instead.

"Gracie, Amanda says you're a floosy. Yeah--just keep eating that sausage." - Aurora
We got pizza at giovii's. When we were done, we watched The Life Aquatic.

"Where's my shirt?" - Allison
We took some pretty serious glam shots. We laughed because the stereotypical girly sleepover involves handcuffs and the clothing comes off. And we had handcuffs. And the clothing came off. And we took pictures. And they are on my camera.

"Guys, Do I look naked?" - Aurora
More (all) clothes came off. Enter the American flag. We kept taking pictures.

"Wanna hear the cool things I found in my nether regions?" - Jess
there's more. it get's better.
"Well, I was doing Carmen Electra's strip tease and I felt something hard in my underwear," - Jess.
you get no explanation on that one. you also don't get to find out what she found in her underwear or what the red slimy thing in her bra was. you weren't at the sleepover. you lose.

basically. we had a good time. and now i'm going to facebook the pictures. not all of them though. you don't get to see the american flag pictures. you weren't at the sleepover. you lose.

05:11 p.m. on Sunday, June 18, 2006:

(e.g. Try to write a haiku poem while standing in an elevator with 15 opera singers screaming 15 different operas, in 15 different languages, in falsetto, directly at you vs. sitting on a bench in a quiet stretch of open woods)

12:12 a.m. on Saturday, June 17, 2006:

i just finished watching cape fear. i've never seen it before. and, well, it was really creepy. the ending was lame. but creepy. the whole movie was creepy. now i think robert deNiro is hiding under my bed. i don't do well with scary movies when i'm alone.

we went shopping for bathing suits today. i have no problem buying two-piece suits so that's what i always get. but i wanted just one one piece. which is horrendously hard to find because no one makes them long and thin. if you want it to fit width-wise, it wont fit length wise. if you want it to fit length wise, you need 36 c boobs which i simply don't have.

i'm going to the us open tomorrow! i am excited. really really really excited!

03:57 p.m. on Friday, June 16, 2006:

I had a lovely afternoon up at yale. we ate burritos and sat out in the sun with other intelligent folk and couldn't figure out how to work the elevators (so much for being intelligent) because you had to swipe the card to go up to the dorm rooms so we rode the elevator up and down eleven flights of stairs three times before we got the hang of it. going down was another story.

10:56 p.m. on Thursday, June 15, 2006:

college! i need to figure out what courses i'm taking. maybe i can do that tomorrow afternoon.

10:52 p.m. on Thursday, June 15, 2006:

today we chose kids for bicen next year. i think i'm in a state of bicen withdrawl. i'm kind of mopey without it.

girly sleepover this sunday. i'm excited.

the caberet was really good. will's band was by far the best. i want them to be downloadable so i can have them on my ipod. and spread the word about them.

i just watched the constant gardener. very good. i'm really tired, so i can't really pick it apart. but i would recomend it as a very good film. crazy, but very good.

i have to go to yearbook tomorrow. this i am not happy about.

01:30 p.m. on Thursday, June 15, 2006:

we're grilling kids in bicen today. i'm really excited. but i don't really know what to ask. oh well. i'm going to show caroline and claire (hey they both start with c's. i never noticed) our mural. last years and this years. i think they will approve. anyway. i'm going to go brush my teeth and then get going. i need to turn in my golf stuff today or i don't graduate. oops. anyway. i'm going to the cabaret thing tonight. as is most of u4. i think. anyway. see people there!

01:23 p.m. on Thursday, June 15, 2006:

switch off

08:45 p.m. on Tuesday, June 13, 2006:

i have a really bad headache. and i just had a really weird feeling. before i went to work i remember thinking i wanted my big fake diamond studs. but i couldn't find them. so i put back in the ones i had at school today. i just went to take out my earings so i could go to bed, and i had in the studs! with no recolection of finding them or putting them in. wtf?

07:55 p.m. on Tuesday, June 13, 2006:

i have to find my bathing suit. because caroline thinks its hers. so i must find mine and prove it's mine. problem is, i can't find it. i feel like caroline took it. i mean, after she puts up this huge stink, to only realise it's my bathing suit all along, maybe she just took it so it looked like i was hiding it? i don't know. it's annoying. we take eachothers clothes all the time. i know she denies it, but when i go to take something, two or three of my things are just hanging out in her room. so, i don't really understand why i'm the bad one here. especially when she's probably hiding my swim suit.

07:53 p.m. on Tuesday, June 13, 2006:

today was my last day of highschool.

work was fun today! just me and drew. (and geoff and dan) drew's mom made me dinner. and we laughed at our hands and got yelled at by mr. manger. picking the dead flowers sucked though. that's really the only sucky part of work today.

i'm done with high school!

venditto won't sign my yearbook. this irritates me. i've got like two sentences out of him. pah. sucker.

09:13 p.m. on Monday, June 12, 2006:

Cormano Wild (9:11:22 PM): My only memory of my great grandmother is her attempting to rip a teddy bear I was given on Christmas out of my hands
Cormano Wild (9:11:31 PM): And I screamed and pulled and we had a tug of war match
Cormano Wild (9:11:40 PM): Then a few months later she was dead
homegrownunknown (9:11:40 PM): ha!
homegrownunknown (9:11:43 PM): oh no!
Cormano Wild (9:11:45 PM): lol
homegrownunknown (9:11:51 PM): the ha was not directed at the death
Cormano Wild (9:11:59 PM): I can put that in my profile now
Cormano Wild (9:12:04 PM): (21:12:20) Cormano Wild: Then a few months later she was dead (21:12:21) homegrownunknown: ha!
homegrownunknown (9:12:28 PM): oh great. i'm the psycho-death girl. i also enjoy contracting aids and watching others get scabby and die.
homegrownunknown (9:12:35 PM): call me for a good time!

It says John 3:16 on the bottom of all the Forever 21 bags. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

09:11 p.m. on Monday, June 12, 2006:

i think i'm going to take a bath? i'm going to wait until my laundry rotates. and maybe eat something, but then i shall bathe.

07:44 p.m. on Monday, June 12, 2006:

the bicen party was awhile ago but i didn't really talk about it. it was fun and wet. we watched jaws and stripped at jess' house. girly sleepover still to come. mural is almost done. pants are only slightly pink. school = almost done.
one. more. day.

08:08 a.m. on Sunday, June 11, 2006:

I woke up with this stuck in my head.

yesterday i don't know what i was doing but i was watching all sorts of videos online. and one of them was this one. and it wasw really funny until the very end when i realized i knew the song she was playing because it was on ddr. and that scared me a little.

11:06 p.m. on Friday, June 9, 2006:

i got asked out on a date today. but didn't pick up the phone when it rang because i didn't want to go.

caroline was way late coming home from work today and i thought she might have died on her way home. that was a very depressing hour and a half.

i'm almost done with highschool!

09:22 p.m. on Thursday, June 8, 2006:

so athletic banquet. i got a nice silver plater with my name on it and another plaque with my name on it for being the best golfer ever! yeyah. my dad just told me i look like lacey underalls. i guess that's a compliment. anyway. i'm going to go try to be intelligent and write about voting. i'm not sure how that's going to work out.

05:56 p.m. on Thursday, June 8, 2006:

i wish i could control f my house to find things. that would be sweet.

so i'm trying to think of a title for my chapter. not like i've written it yet but a title is a good place to start. so i was stumbling (okay, i wasn't really on track) and i found sloganizer.net. so i typed in voting and here are my titles:
Do it with voting
Voting, the secret of women.
Voting - Yabba Dabba Duh! Food or voting? I'll have voting.
Jesus loves voting.
Voting? Yes please.

although i'm truly tempted to use "voting, the secret of women" i think i'll stick with the classic "voting? yes please." although "yabba dabba duh!" is quite exciting to say. and jesus does indeed love voting. what a conundrum!

06:09 a.m. on Thursday, June 8, 2006:

so i won a lot of money last night. i can def. get a laptop now. with a lot extra. sweet. i love this scholarship program. i think i might have gotten the most scholarships. or i was tied for the most? whatevs. i have money!

05:55 p.m. on Wednesday, June 7, 2006:

so i just went downstairs wearing what i was going to wear for the scholarship banquet. my mother instantly yells, "that's not yours! take it off! you can't wear that!" and, um... it's mine? i, um, bought it? wtf? so she chased me upstairs and continued to yell at me. what the hell?

07:24 a.m. on Tuesday, June 6, 2006:

margonis said it was the best yearbook he'd ever seen. that's pretty nice. i woke up kindof late today. oops.

08:42 p.m. on Monday, June 5, 2006:

so we sold books today. and played frisbee. and went home to eat watermellon. and then back to paint murals. god i have a lot of work to do.

12:41 a.m. on Monday, June 5, 2006:

i just noticed the font on aurora's livejournal is the font.

12:25 a.m. on Monday, June 5, 2006:

i've spent all day finishing my calc final projects. this way, i can focus on bicen. all the same, it's taken forever.

yearbooks come out tomorrow. thus i've taken time to make a playlist. of course,we're in the old deli line so i'm not quite sure how that will work out. the janitors didn't lock up our table like they promissed and it was torn and scribbled on so b took it upon herself to make another one and of course did a terrible job and now it doens't fit on the table. can someone please tell me how aurora and i could fit it on one half of the table and b couldn't fit it on an entire one? anyway. i'm done with html. i'm half way done with my search paper.

i have to take exams online to get into the math and science programs. this sucks. caroline said that that was fair, but then again she's an english major so what the hell does she know?

today i served a man named howard johnson. that humored me immensly.

i finally got around to downloading the lenscrafters commercial song and have been listening to it on repeat for about two hours. which is a long time considering the song is 1 minute and 3 seconds long.

currently, i'm eating a toasted, buttered roll and downloading stars songs because my computer ate mine. then i'm off to bed.

why am i awake? i mean, i was up to all hours wednesday and thursday. prom was friday and i ended up going to bed at 5:30 and waking up at 9:00 am. and then i had to wake up at 4:30 this morning (yesterday morning now) to go to work. i shouldn't be awake. it's twelve thirty! jeeze.

04:22 a.m. on Saturday, June 3, 2006:

prom was amazing! here is the very quick run-down:

just get home from getting mallory's hair done at five. my hair appointment was at one and i was done in fifteen minutes. so i get home, throw on the dress and realize that none of my family members are home. which is really a nice thing because hey, it's only prom.

then to the pechtol's where lots of pictures were taken and lots of cucumbers were eaten.

then in the limo! with aj and nikki and dan and paul and jill and michelle and ben brown. we had a hot limo.

then to prom! where we walked around and ate.

then i felt really sick so i sat around for about an hour until i felt better and then partied it up! yeyeah.

then to post prom! which was, by far, the highlight of the evening. i didn't ride the bull, but i won bad-ass speakers! yeyah!

and i won clue.

and then danced for another two hours with jess and mallory and occasionally other people.

then they left so it was me, bryan, sam, aj, ali, jj and occasionally a band-o or two. that's it. in the entire school. we're so cool.

so bryan and i danced in the hallway at about three thirty and people thought were were crazy for continuing to dance.

and then we moonbounced!

and sam stole john maleri. that was pretty cool.

then we came home! and blogged about it! and now we are going to check out our new speakers! yeyah!

08:14 a.m. on Friday, June 2, 2006:

i don't have to take the math final. this pleases me very much. i'm good at math.

we finished watching october sky in bicen. i vote we watch season two of the west wing next.

the plants in the library are fake. will was watering them. he didn't know they were fake.

the bicen dvds came in! mallory and i watched them fifth period. amazing. i really miss bicen now. bring it back!

the mural looks good. we finished a circle and the beaker. we're kicking ass.

i don't have to take an italian final! because my average is over 100. and when the other kids complained my teacher said, "well, is your average over 100?" and HAH. they weren't. no final for me.

aurora and i made the table for selling books. huzzah. that took forever.

and the binder is looking good. we're working on it in bicen today. huzzah again.

last night i was feeling sick and kind of stressed out. i really didn't want to go to prom. so at about midnight i climed out on my roof in little shorts and a t-shirt and sat in the dark, in the rain (alone. sounds like an earnest hemingway plot) and detoxed my brain. then about an hour later i climbed back into my window and fell asleep soaking wet. i needed that though.

i'm really hungry. i took a shower even though apparently that's against prom rules. i'm sorry - i want to be clean for prom. i don't care if my hair holds better when it's dirty. it looks better when it's clean. and smells better too.

so i guess i should eat something and then head to school. i guess.

11:25 p.m. on Wednesday, May 31, 2006:

her name is alberta, she lives in vancouver, she cooks like my mother and sucks like a hoover.

i was definitely up there longer than anyone else. mrs. owen said i reminded her of a miss america because of my poise and smile. so when we left i kept waving at people. the thought of me being in a pagent of any kind makes me laugh. really hard.

i painted aurora's psych mural with love. and then malice. but malice started getting really messy so i returned with love. it looks much better now.

so soon i'll be off to alberta. i mean, vancouver. shit, her name is alberta she lives in vancouver!

06:48 a.m. on Tuesday, May 30, 2006:

you look like david hasselhoff

i didn't do any homework over the weekend. did we have any? whatever.

i'm excited for school. i miss school. already!

i hope today is fun. i don't feel like doing much.

(they made a statue of us)

06:34 p.m. on Monday, May 29, 2006:

where is my father? i'm hungry! cheep cheep!

06:19 p.m. on Monday, May 29, 2006:

i feel like farrah fawcett.

you're so young. you're so god damned young.

i'm excited for school tomorrow. i find i get really tired over weekends. maybe it's the opposite for other people, but i'm much more energetic during school.

my mom's car sucks.

08:41 p.m. on Sunday, May 28, 2006:

i ate the molasses.

true true.

caroline and i played badminton. apparently the twinkies have gone to my butt. travis is a ho-bag.

03:52 p.m. on Sunday, May 28, 2006:

i am a big forgetful lunkhead.

i'm so thirsty. i've been thirsty all day and i can't seem to get rid of it. i've probably downed the mighty mississippi and i'm still thirsty.

i'm cleaning my room! finally! and then i want to go to the mall and get prom stuff.

my arms hurt a little.

caroline's a jerk. that's really all i can conclude. she's not a happy person anymore. she's moody and rude and i honestly don't like her very much. which isn't really pleasant seeing as we live together and used to get along quite well. i don't want to spend the rest of my summer with a jerk. and i don't want to go to college thinking caroline's a jerk. i think she thinks our parents fawn over me more than they did her. which they do it seems but that's just because i'm the last kid. they know i'm it. and she hated when our parents were interested in her life when she was in highschool so i don't know why she's so grouchy about it now. it seems she thinks she's really mature, and in a sense, she seems a lot older. but she's way more catty and very childish in her attitude towards me and the rest of my family. i hope these things sort themselves out.

11:55 p.m. on Saturday, May 27, 2006:

the banquet was amazing -- everyone loved the book. and after everyone went home aurora and i went swimming. aurora in my pajamas. they looked good aurora. scott came back -- i hope his mother is doing well. he left very quickly because his mother was rushed to the hospital. i just watched ladder 49. i guess i figured he would die at the end, but i'm crying like i never saw it coming. the vahora's came to the banquet. and the little boys played badminton with us in my front yard. i feel like my writting is similar to hamlet's tonight. very jumpy. different kinds of sentences. maybe that means i'm going mad. or tired. or simply drained. i'm going to bed now -- i have to talk infront of my church congregation tomorrow. that should be fun. goodnight.

08:59 a.m. on Saturday, May 27, 2006:

i had a dream that avery walter had a kitten. it was a cute kitten, but it was certainly his and not mine which made me sad, i guess.

hah remember that coat hanger we found that was probably used for an abortion? mm, i think i found another one.

in other news, i now have a 245 dollar couture purse in my possession. man am i hip.

banquet today. church tomorrow. day off! oh my goodness this weekend has not seemed like a weekend at all. this banquet is stressing me out. but the dessert! oh man! i can't wait.

10:13 p.m. on Friday, May 26, 2006:

getting ready for the banquet -- i just got home from b's house. it was b, tara, andy, pablo and me. sometimes i forget other people are not on a first name basis with the teachers of trumbull high. that and most of them don't go for drives with people like sevilla at ten at night alone. they are really missing out. we rocked that johnny cash! anyway -- the food is going to be excellent. expecially the dessert. i need to clean my room but i guess i can do that tomorrow morning. oh i'm so excited!

09:45 p.m. on Thursday, May 25, 2006:

guimares today - i'm glad i didn't go on the trip. jenkins bought us icecream and then we played. and then we came home. but now i have a glove tan. because it was so nice out! anyway -- i think i'm just going to get ready for the banquet tomorrow. i'm so excited!

08:47 p.m. on Wednesday, May 24, 2006:

my sister and i aren't getting along and this distresses me.
the nhs induction was boring -- but the cookies were good.
math quiz. not fun. i know i got number three right. that's good. so, a twenty five. good.
and madd assembly was surprisingly good.
and u4 is going to be on channel seventeen!
(what chu talkin' bout kate?)
and the chem mural is looking good. i'm glad the circles got done today. nice.
and i played well today in golf. meaning hopefully we'll play good tomorrow.
i'm feeling kind of out it. whatever. no more school.

06:11 a.m. on Tuesday, May 23, 2006:

I'm not a leader,
i'm not a left-wing rhetoric mobilizing force of one,
But there was a time way back, don't laugh,
But I thought I was a radical,
I ran the hemp Liberation League with my boyfriend,
It was true love, with a common cause,
and besides that, he was a Sagittarius.
We used to say that our love was like hemp rope,
three times as strong as the rope that you buy domestically,
And we would bond in the face of oppression from big business,
But I knew there was a problem,
every time the group would meet everyone would light up,
That made it difficult to discuss glaucoma and human rights,
not to mention chemotherapy.
Well sometimes, life gives us lessons sent in ridiculous packaging,
And so I found him in the arms of a Student Against the Treacherous use of Fur,
And he gave no apology, he just turned to me,
stoned out to the edge of oblivion,
He didn't pull up the sheets and I think he even smiled as he said to me,
Well, I guess our dreams went up in smoke.
And I said, No, our dreams went up in dreams, you stupid pothead,
And another thing, what kind of a name is Students Against the Treacherous Use of Fur?
Fur is already dead, and besides, a name like that doesn't make a good acronym.
I am older now, I know the rise and gradual fall of a daily victory.
And I still write to my senators,
saying they should legalize cannabis,
And I should know, cause I am a horticulturist,
And my ex-boyfriend can't tell me I've sold out,
because he's in a cult.
And he's not allowed to talk to me.

06:30 p.m. on Monday, May 22, 2006:

today was a great day. how often does that happen? english we chilled which was awesome. bicen we chilled in the library and will cut off his bracelets. chem we painted vomit. okay, i painted vomit, aurora painted a beaker. italian we painted and then i played the best round of golf in my entire life. 37 baby! then i got hit on at the bar by some forty-year old. then we drove home and melissa suggested we listen to some really ghetto music when we left so brooke put on ms. new booty which we listened to at top volume all the way home followed by scotty doesn't know. and! my threadless shirts came!

best day ever.

now i'm going to go figure out what's in horatio's iPod.

05:41 p.m. on Sunday, May 21, 2006:

okay. first things first. billy wagner! COME ON! YOU WERE FOUR NOTHING! a walk to score another run. AND THEN YOU HIT THE GUY! how on earth did you lose?

continuing on: i don't care about all of your broken bones. really. i understand you're a macho man. okay? i still don't want to date you.

that deaf, dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball.

mrs. socha just called and personally spoke to me about the academic banquet. i feel really important. i told her it would make sense for me only to speak about yearbook and to let other people talk for bicen. i told her to talk to ben and mike.

vegetable medley!

10:28 a.m. on Sunday, May 21, 2006:

i'm working a double shift for work so i'm home now and i was playing around on facebook and found lee sumerlin!

09:38 p.m. on Saturday, May 20, 2006:

dress = mine

12:03 p.m. on Saturday, May 20, 2006:

out to lunch!
ready for the naan?

06:33 a.m. on Saturday, May 20, 2006:

oh man -- the picture game! that was so fun last night. of course we didn't get any work done, but that usually happens so no surprise there.

and can someone tell aurora to stop flirting with me? i'm not a lesbian! and how come jess gets to daydream on the bed? not fair.

today is lunch. i'm excited. i need money.

06:15 p.m. on Friday, May 19, 2006:

yeti thinks that yeti should come back home. yeti thinks that yeti should not go see yeti-man but stay home with yeti. yeti thanks.

unit meeting!

taking silly pictures in the woods!

oh what a glorious day!
did you see the hail?

07:21 a.m. on Friday, May 19, 2006:

wham bam, thank you, mam

06:45 a.m. on Friday, May 19, 2006:

Mmm. I dismiss your concerns as grape juice from concentrate is clearly a delicious breakfasttime treat.

06:41 a.m. on Friday, May 19, 2006:

okay, i had like, four hundred season finales on last night. i was switching around for like an hour watching as many as i could. i don't really watch those shows, but i didn't feel like writing wzordick's essay so i watched tv instead. anyway. yesterday i was present for a drug deal. i felt like i should be arrested. but i wasn't, so i guess that's good. we lost. again. the scores were like, 49, 54, 62, 68, 70. pah. anyway. i should go to school. that's a good plan.

08:14 p.m. on Thursday, May 18, 2006:

i'm missing the season finale. MY TEA IS READY! i'll update later

07:21 a.m. on Wednesday, May 17, 2006:

today is a new day
today is a new day
today is a new day
today is a new day
today is a new day

09:35 p.m. on Tuesday, May 16, 2006:

jock itch?

we all changed our sheets. that's good i suppose.

duchess. for dinner. was good. i guess.

that sucked.

05:13 p.m. on Tuesday, May 16, 2006:

mother opens door.
mother (impatiently): why are you crying?
daughter (seriously): because dad's an asshole
mother (more impatiently): yes, but why are you crying?
daughter (stunned and slightly angered at her mother's tone): because i'm sad, mom. and this is what people do when they are sad.
mother: okay.
mother exits.

is it me? really? personally, i think that when i am crying and clearly upset because my father has come home and yelled at me and is currently flying off the handle for who knows what reason and i end up in my room, folding clothes, by myself, and my mother walks in and doesn't care at all that i'm upset, something is wrong. most mothers, or so i thought, would make sure their daughters were okay. they would see to it that they would be happy once again--perhaps make them smile and comfort them. if you have a family like that i envy you. currently, i'm contimplating taking our car and driving to someone's house and spending the night here. because my parents obviously don't care one way or another and i really don't feel like being home right now.

09:15 p.m. on Monday, May 15, 2006:

i have rediscovered my jazz cds. i don't think i'm going to get much sleep tonight.

08:54 p.m. on Monday, May 15, 2006:

i think i've been crying for about an hour. maybe a little less. it's pretty girly i suppose. i want to go to school tomorrow. that's what i want to do.

oh, and by the way. it's beautiful.

06:22 a.m. on Monday, May 15, 2006:

i don't feel like going to school. then again, when do i feel like going to school when i have to wake up at 6:30. better than the weekend i suppose because i have to wake up at five so i can get out oif my house by 5:30 to get to work on time. pah. i want to sleep in!

05:17 p.m. on Sunday, May 14, 2006:

i have seen two teachers in the past two days. i saw cayer yesterday at the craft store and i saw spillane today at goodwill. (no baby yet)

in other news. i'm sick of driving. i drove to monroe, milford, stratford, derby, oxford, new haven, orange. all on back roads b/c i didn't feel like taking the merit to orange. i like the little bridge in oxford. and driving along the river. but alas, i'm sick of driving. i think i'll watch a movie.

03:48 p.m. on Sunday, May 14, 2006:

the gracie handbag

02:08 p.m. on Sunday, May 14, 2006:

Sitting on a park bench
eyeing little girls with bad intent.
Snot running down his nose
greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes.
Drying in the cold sun
Watching as the frilly panties run.
Feeling like a dead duck
spitting out pieces of his broken luck.

12:08 p.m. on Sunday, May 14, 2006:

we got my mother a tree. thoughtful bunch, eh?

i just vacuumed. i think i'm taking a liking to vacuuming.

for the past few days, (sat and sun) i have gone to work at 6:00 am thinking i would have to work until one. both days i got off at eleven. this is a nice new schedule.

speaking of work, when my boss went to ranger (ride around on a cart making sure the course is okay and everyone's golfing at a stead pace) i changed the tv from classic rock to the newsies! then geoff came in and laughed at me because i know all the words and dance moves.

my cat is being cute.

i need to clean my room.

scratch the cat being cute comment. he just threw up in the hallway.

02:02 p.m. on Saturday, May 13, 2006:

so we might get a kitten! currently named willow - will soon change to something much more exciting like kareem abdul jabar. or frog. (fritter and frog? nice ring. daddy loves froggy. does froggy love daddy?) anyway. this issue will develop over the next week.

clean out the closet day = big winnings.

i have that lfo song stuck in my head. not particularly pleasant.

09:31 p.m. on Tuesday, May 9, 2006:

i don't understand why christine didn't want to go with the phantom. i'm in a poto kind of mood. and music of the night proves that christine was crazy. or too strong willed. i would have given in as soon as he began to sing it. these are probably my most favorite collection of songs ever written.

09:01 p.m. on Tuesday, May 9, 2006:

so, i should be in a good mood, right? i mean, no ap tomorrow. i'm done. right? unfortunatly, no. i'm not alright. i'm sick. and tired. and upset. for some reason i just got that empty feeling inside -- i haven't felt that since march 25. which then just reminded me of samiya and then i started to cry and now i'm kindof teetering on the edge of being coherent and i just want to be done with school. i just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. i'm so tired. i'm so ready for this to be over.

08:32 p.m. on Tuesday, May 9, 2006:

wow. i can't believe it. i'm not taking the ap chem test. wow. okay. well, that's nice, i guess. i can't say that i actually wanted to take it. i know i would have done badly on it. but i'm feeling really sick. and it would be much less stressful if i just didn't take it. man. wow. okay. i guess i'll go clean my room and go to bed. maybe read a little hamlet?

05:38 p.m. on Tuesday, May 9, 2006:

i can't drink this coffee until i put you in the closet.

i'm going downstairs. i'm going to eat something warm. i'm going to curl up with the fountain head and start reading it again. i'm not going to study for chemistry. i really don't care.

04:55 p.m. on Tuesday, May 9, 2006:

i just got my passport picture taken. when i got there i was like, "didn't they institute a new policy that says we shouldn't smile in the pictures because no one goes around the airport smiling?" and the guy looked at me and said, "wow, i don't think i've delt with anyone intelligent today. congratulations, you're number one, here's a coupon for a free roll development."

one more ap to go...chem. i've really slacked off in chem lately. i really have lost interest in it. i don't really feel like studying either. i just want to curl up on the couch and make a dent in my summer reading list which keeps growing and growing.

i feel like crap fyi. my throat is killing me. i think i'm going to get a snack and go to bed? maybe wake up at about midnight and study? that's seven hours of sleep. whatever. i think i'm going to stumble around for awhile on the internet and then read. i really don't feel like studying.

08:04 p.m. on Monday, May 8, 2006:

at skidmore there are courses that you sign up which determine what house you live in and what teachers you will have for your first year. now, jordan recommended i take Democracy Inaction which deals with...well, here's the course description:

"What does it mean to be democratic? We speak of living in a democratic society, we refer to the Republican and Democratic parties, and yet do we understand what those terms signify, and what being "democratic" really conveys? We will look for answers first far in the past, with the ancient Greeks and their experiment with demokratia, and the Roman government of the res publica. Students will conduct close readings of treatises such as Plato's Apology and Aristotle's Athenian Constitution, the histories of Herodotus and Thucydides, Livy and Polybius, tragedies and comedies like Aeschylus' Oresteia and Aristophanes' Wasps, and ancient Greek and Roman law codes; and will examine the archaeological remains of ancient, civic Athens and republican Rome. The seminar will also examine a very modern and public exercise of democracy—the local November elections for City Council in Saratoga Springs—as a living laboratory for the contemporary American conception of democracy. Students will analyze Saratoga Springs' city charter, examine local monuments that celebrate democratic practices, critique Jon Stewart's irreverent America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction, investigate local campaigns and candidates, and participate in the elections. For a final project, students will craft proposals for contemporary, functioning democratic systems based upon their study of ancient and modern democracies."

i've never been really interested in the historical part of democracies, but i suppose there's no way to get interested unless i take the class. if i take that one, i'll end up in jordan's house where he is the hc so at least i'll know someone. there's another one that seems really interesting though called "Minority Rights in a Majority-Driven Democracy" here's the description:

"When the "majority rules," what happens to the rights of the non-majority? Students in this seminar explore how minority rights are protected (or not) in a majority-run democracy. We will examine the history, law, public policy, and popular opinion regarding three specific issues: the right of gays to marry; the rights of the religious (of varying faiths) to practice their faith freely; and the role of affirmative action in our culture. Students will read and analyze cases and legal briefs, perform debates, give oral presentations, and write both analytic and persuasive papers."

this seems to be more my speed. perhaps i can take that class my sophomore year? i'm not really sure how this all works.

06:46 p.m. on Monday, May 8, 2006:

i'm tired. today sucked as a day in general. today did not go as planned. first - the rabid lunch lady refused to sell me breakfast. than, we didn't go to the lab in calc. then my stomach ate itself. then i died. then english. where we have a new teacher. who i really like. that was probably the highlight of my day. although, i was really irritated by how rude other people were being toward him. and the fact that my stomach was playing battleship with itself. third period i slept in the nurses office but some guy was snoring so i didn't really sleep. bicen i "studied" for the ap which i'm not going to do well on. lunch...i ate lunch. which wasn't very good. i slept through chem and italian and then went home and took a nap 8th. then i came back for the yb meeting, stayed to work. finished bicen and most of the cover, came home, took a nap. and i still feel really bad. meeeeh.

09:50 p.m. on Sunday, May 7, 2006:

announcement: tomorrow is may 8th. although, normally, one would consider it to be any other day, it's not. it's may 8th. nothing really interesting happened on may 8th. i looked--it's ve day. and the day the beatles released "let it be." it's harry truman's birthday. albeit he's dead now. but may 8th is certainly a holiday to be celebrated. other days we must remember to celebrate for silly reasons: october 11. which reminds me (i just lost the game) there was a girl in my dance class who's birthday was october 11. there was a painting about a ballet that had shows from october 11 to the 24 and we remarked how it openned on her birthday and closed on mine. anyway. not important. tomorrow is may 8th. take notice.

06:01 p.m. on Saturday, May 6, 2006:

aurora, i love stumble upon.

this stuff is awesome!

05:50 p.m. on Saturday, May 6, 2006:

i'm really sorry steven, but your bicycle's been stolen.

i now have prom shoes. and my dress is at the taylors.

i wore a derby bonnet today to work for kicks.

she's at the bottom of the frenchtown pond.

i think i'll take a shower and then go for a walk? sounds like a plan.
i don't feel like studying anyway.

07:31 p.m. on Friday, May 5, 2006:

i had an amazing day because:
1. we are coding in calculus. and hey. what isn't amazing about that? especially because rosco now thinks i'm cool. yeyah!
2.i drew a picture of an alien in english today in crayon. and today is spillane's last day. meaning no more work! huzzah!
3. we're making our binders in bicen and we wrote our openning letter today. i'm so excited to start recruiting!
4. pizza for lunch
5. we're studying for the ap in chem and i'm thinking i'm going to do well.
6. i officially don't have to take the italian final.
7. or the math final.
8. we made a collage in yearbook.
9. it's friday!
10. i'm finally getting around to putting washington pictures on my facebook. it's taking a long time to load about fourty pictures. but oh so worth it.
11. i'm excited for may 8th!

02:03 p.m. on Thursday, May 4, 2006:

oh, and the country? of all things. jeeze.

bennigans! was fun. we ate pickles and talked about prom and bicen and birth control. i'm finally feeling like a senior. and! i got some exciting news. but alas, i can not share it, in fear, solely. sorry! if you need to know i'll tell you. granted if i tell aurora she'll laugh, shake her head and ask what's wrong with me. then get irritated with me and then give up and tell me i'm an idiot. but that's okay, i'll tell you anyway.

01:55 p.m. on Thursday, May 4, 2006:

i swear, if one more person asks me to prom i'm going to eat my arm.

09:21 p.m. on Tuesday, May 2, 2006:

so back from nationals. and an ap test tomorrow. which, by the way, i'm not studying for. whatever. i'm was sortof in a good mood. when i got home, i mean. but being away from people my age who can carry on a conversation is proving diffuclt already. i guess i'm still in bicen mode, but my parents -- especially my mother, are not sympathetic to my constitutional needs. anyway, nationals was fun, no top ten, but close...of course we were crushed so we walked to the harris teeter at around midnight and bought gallons of icecream to eat in the pent-house sweet. i guess the u4ia is wearing off though because ap test stresses, other stresses that i just found out about, other stresses bothering me from last night and golf stresses are certainly taking their toll. in washington we were'nt carefree in the least but it was nice to get a breath of fresh air away from all of my highschool duties. now that i'm back i'm longing to bury myself under caselaw and talk to my unit all night long. oh well, i guess we'll have to talk about bicen in past tense now.

11:17 p.m. on Thursday, April 27, 2006:

"I'm sorry, we're all out of minutes."

free chicken nuggets!

na na na na na na na na na na na na na

ARE YOU READY?

u4 sleepovers are u4ic.

nationals. is. in. less. than. 12. hours.

11:53 a.m. on Thursday, April 27, 2006:

okay. i really don't feel like playing mcmahon. but studying is going well. well well well. i'm down for the first question. not quite. there's a lot more to look up. i'm still not hip to the jive on draft riots. i'll talk to jess about it though. hey, wanna know what ahkil said? "the proslavery constitution became stunningly antislavery with immediate uncompensated and universal abolition. This would have been virtually impossible to imagine in 1860. The emmancipation proclimation was a hugh pivot point in this transformation." yeyahhhhhhhh. i want my cards. i know my old paragraphs. but these are different. this is making me antsy. maybe i could tell you about the wilmot proviso? the compromise of 1850, perhaps? the missouri comprimise? or maybe the fact hat 2 out of 996 counties in the south voted for lincoln? or maybe that that presidential election had a voter turn-out of 81.2 percent? that's the second highest in history don't cha know? okay. well. now i'm feeling much more ready for nationals. alas. i still have to pack. whatever.

11:06 p.m. on Tuesday, April 25, 2006:

I don't need no punkass flowers reminding me that everything beautiful dies sooner than I want to believe!

41. really. this is ridiculous. I quit.

speaking of quitting! I DO NOT have time for golf. I have a match every day this week! this is impossible. I need to do bicen. need need need! today I'm stuck doing scholarship applications. and I want to go to bed NOW. JEEZE. I hate trying to make myself look good. All of these applications want a personal portrayl. Stupid.

06:39 p.m. on Monday, April 24, 2006:

I JUST TALKED TO AKHIL REED AMAR!!!!!


and i had the worst day of my life! but
OH MY GOD!

06:30 a.m. on Monday, April 24, 2006:

is there really any reason i need to go to school today? no.

09:19 p.m. on Sunday, April 23, 2006:

papers. are. getting. done. slowly. but. surley. sully. think's. we're. top. ten. material. which. is. nice. to. hear. he. has. a. lot. of. good. questions. for. paper. two. and. is. making. me. feel. really. good. about. nationals. being. in. five. days. i'm. not. reading. jude. i'm. not. doing. chem. i'm. just. going. to. bed.



i. can't. believe. vacation. is. over.

04:27 p.m. on Saturday, April 22, 2006:

so no bicen party tonight. and i'm out of work for tomorrow. and i have the lock-in tonight. i just finished my minisermon. i suppose i should, like, put on clothes soon. that would be a start.

12:55 p.m. on Saturday, April 22, 2006:

The Lusty Month of May contains a new holiday!

11:34 a.m. on Saturday, April 22, 2006:

Rain usually makes me feel mellow. Curl-up-in-the-corner time, slow down, smell the furniture.

10:35 a.m. on Saturday, April 22, 2006:

so my mom is back from south carolina. i wish i could have gone. but bicen calls. she brought home so much stuff. and! even though i didn't end up going i got two sweaters!



oh yes. and a prom dress.

10:22 a.m. on Saturday, April 22, 2006:

god aurora. i freaking... i walked into my bathroom, right? i woke up, and was like, hey, i'll go brush my teeth before i go downstairs. and so i stumbled into my bathroom while putting a sweatshirt on grabbed my toothbrush, put toothpaste on it and looked up. at my mirror. and then i lost the game. damn you.

09:19 p.m. on Friday, April 21, 2006:

italian ice!!!!!!!!!!!!! is good. and i ate it. and it was cold. and will read the inviso yearbook. omg. i have to read jude! gruesome death! anyway. what on earth are we listening to? is this bruce? jeeze. the early years. anyway.

07:55 p.m. on Friday, April 21, 2006:

fucking bermuda

03:31 p.m. on Friday, April 21, 2006:

i think maybe i just had a stress-induced mental breakdown? hmm. well, that was miserable. anyway. much better now. i think i'll take a break until four and then start doing bicen? maybe i'll go for a walk. wow. it's sort of like that calm after the storm. i was really out of it this morning. okay. anyway. have a nice day.

11:57 a.m. on Friday, April 21, 2006:

chocolate icecream = better mood

09:27 a.m. on Friday, April 21, 2006:

do you ever get in one of those moods where, your life is going fine, and you're a little stressed..cause hey, nationals in a week and aps after that and you haven't done any homework for any other class because you've been studying your ass off for bicen and you feel like you're working harder than everyone else, but when they get to your house you realize that you haven't taken a break from bicen in 27 hours and since people are over you feel like hanging out rather than working so it appears that you don't do any work anyway and you get stressed so you decide to do more bicen work to make up for how stupid you must seem and someone starts talking about this and that and they're in a good mood and seem perfectly happy and seem like they're not stressed at all and just go on and on about all of these great things that are going on in their lives that you just want to smack them and say HEY! I'M FREAKING DOING MY BEST HERE! STOP BRAGGING ABOUT HOW GOD DAMNED GOOD YOUR LIFE IS! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT! DO SOME GOD DAMNED WORK FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE! I HAVE NOTHING! OKAY? STOP TRYING TO BE BETTER THAN ME! IT'S NOT A COMPETITION!



because that's what kind of mood i'm in. and i can't take a break and say, go to the mall and get things to wear at nationals or buy a prom dress because then i'll feel guilty for not doing research 24 hours a day.

09:23 a.m. on Friday, April 21, 2084:

so. my computer's being really weird. time wise. when aurora was over, we thought it would be funny to change my computer clock to be 1984. right. um, so why today is it all of the sudden 2084? we just jumped a century. really. how does that happen? anyway. i've gotten in a ton of research this morning. which makes me really happy. we should have a unit meeting all day today. really. i'm in that kind of mood.

05:45 p.m. on Friday, April 20, 1984:

so aurora and i have invented a new game "how would you kill something with (instert object here)!?" we've done a tape dispenser, a cup, lotion, a hair clip, the gold gooey rotating thing that sits on my desk, pearls and earings. and my dead body. pretty hot game, eh? not as hot as the "so, pretend i'm really hot!" game. oh well, nothing can top that.

02:31 a.m. on Friday, April 20, 1984:

PITAS LIES! IT IS NOT THAT TIME! IT IS FIVE THIRTY! IN THE AFTERNOON! NOT THE MORNING! FREAKING ASSHOLE! umm...and it's definitely not 1984. FYI PITAS!!!!!!!

05:27 p.m. on Thursday, April 20, 2006:

how to adopt a baby from china

05:18 p.m. on Thursday, April 20, 2006:

aurora says:
a) how do you manage to cut off your fingers with a snowblower?
b) unless you can tap into peoples minds or know how to slash are able to use the imperius curse, the other two things that need fixing will be unfixable by you, or anyone really
c) that was really bad grammar in point b just then
d) only one more thing needs to be fixed anyway, i fixed the first one because im amazing
e) i would love a bicen meeting tomorrow because i outlined my paper today but was feeling pathetically lethargic. also i knew we wouldnt have school tomorrow. also if we did, i would be writing it now. but anyway. i want to bicennnnn
f) there is no f. except to say that its 530

01:30 p.m. on Thursday, April 20, 2006:

on a more serious note than tontie, i'm considering going to a preorientation journalism class at skidmore. they offer tons of preorientation things, including one called scoop which is hiking and wilderness and such. they all sound so amazing! i'm so excited. people on facebook are considering them too. i was flipping around on the skidmore website and found out all of these really cool things that happen there. like, on september third (orientation day!!!) the incoming class, at midnight or later, stands outside the president's house and sings whatever song they feel like until he and his wife come out and wave. and then there's a big rave on the green. and! there are like, carnivals! a lot of them! oh i'm so excited! i can't wait to go to college!

01:28 p.m. on Thursday, April 20, 2006:

126260
tontie. oh my god. i should play less often! first time all vacation and i break 100000. my arms are shaking. it got to the point when i couldn't blink because the little men were coming up faster than i could blink. oh my god. oh my god. i need a life. but oh my god. 126260!!!!!

11:42 a.m. on Thursday, April 20, 2006:

so my ipod came back and it said i should download the updater installations to make sure everything was up-to-date. so i got on the website and it asked me to login and so i clicked the button that said "i don't remember my login name" and it gave me the option of it sending it to my email or asking me the security question i set up when i first got my ipod. so i went with the question figuring one less website i have to visit. and i laughed out loud when i saw the question. i was expecting it to be my dad's middle name because thats always the question i used. but what was it? "Which state has the lowest highest point?"

01:28 p.m. on Wednesday, April 19, 2006:

I have single-handedly taken out every chip in our entire house. I just tell myself it's comfort food seeing as I’m incapable of doing anything without freaking out because nationals is in a week. despite the hours of research I’ve done this week so far, I feel less and less in bicen mode--resulting in more and more guilt piling up. This, coupled with the ensuing stress for AP exams and college looming in the near future, is enough to put me over the edge. The result of this is an extraordinarily paranoid and organized self. I cleaned my dresser and folded everything perfectly and put everything back in color order and the order in which I assumed I would wear the garments. I cleaned under my bed. I dusted under every piece of furniture. Along with the joy I normally acquire after successfully cleaning my room and its contents comes the realization that I have wasted a good four hours cleaning rather than researching bicen. Then I eat all of the chips and then feel badly. The whole cycle starts all over again. I emerge with no chips left, a clean room, a guilty conscience and a hell of a lot of articles on the Emancipation Proclamation to read. What I have learned from all of this is A. I am a compulsive stress eater and B. I need to keep studying for bicen. My remaining questions are A. What do normal seniors do on April break? and B. Do we have any more chips?

10:35 a.m. on Tuesday, April 18, 2006:

I couldn't sleep last night. You know when you start thinking about something late at night and it keeps you up? And it's always something trivial that you shouldn't really be thinking about anyway? Yeah. That was me last night. You know that song, "knock three times on the ceiling if you want me?" Well, that's what I was thinking about. Why the ceiling? It's pretty hard to knock on the ceiling. So what if you're jumping and can only jump high enough to pat the ceiling and they can't hear it? Or what if you get tired and can only hit it twice? Mixed messages, eh? Twice on the pipe if the answer is no...What if they get confused and knock on the ceiling twice? And why not the wall? That's much easier to knock on. And, what if they're in a wheel chair, or extraordinarily short? Granted they could always get a broom handle to knock on the ceiling but then it's not just "if you want me" but "if you want me, you have access to something that can hit the ceiling and have enough energy/motivation to get it and then pound on the ceiling like an idiot instead of just finding that person and telling them you're interested." Anyway. The song reminds me of that CSI episode about the guy who lived in attics and watched people live below him. That was really a good, scary episode. Anyway. The lyrics are, "Hey girl what'cha doing down there? Dancing alone every night while I live right above you. I can hear your music playing; I can feel your body swaying one floor below me. You don't even know me, I love you. Oh my darling, knock three times...etc etc etc" Um...stalker? Furthermore, the knock on the ceiling means not only that she wants him, but she'll meet him in the hallway. What if she's taking a shower, or indisposed? She can knock on the ceiling but simply can not come into the hallway. Why doesn't this guy just go down, introduce himself and ask her on a date? Rather than sending Morse Code signals throughout the apartment complex? If I were living next door I'd be pretty irritated at all the racket he's making. So that’s why I’m tired today. Because I was up all night thinking about how much of an idiot Tony Orlando is. And, considering writing him a letter (if he’s still alive) telling him of my complaints. Regardless of these errors in the lyrics, I really like this song!

12:38 p.m. on Monday, April 17, 2006:

is it me or is it really cold today? like it's winter again. i took a shower. aurora told me i needed to take a shower. so i did. and now i'm colder than before. winter sucks. i watched fever pitch this morning. until the very end, when everything was about to go right. and you were supposed to smile. but instead i cursed because the phone rang and it was b. and she talked through the whole ending. movies suck.

08:27 p.m. on Sunday, April 16, 2006:

my room is clean! not anything extraordinary, i know, but still! a very nice event. so. my cards were memorized this morning. are they this evening? no. not at all. so now i have to go back over them and memorize them again. are we meeting with margonis? if so we should notify him rather soon as to our plans. so i've wasted quite a bit of my life on facebook today. what have i done other than that? work this morning. and hey, i like my shoes. easter. we ate lunch. that was good. better than not eating lunch. then my family left me at home by myself for about four hours. in that stretch of time, i cleaned my room. and... i must have done other things because it certainly didn't take me four hours to clean my room. but i don't really recall what i did. although, i do (damnit i just lost the game) remember a really agitating dream i had last night. some people were around the corner of the commons and i overheard them saying really mean things about me. and i started to cry. and then i just kept crying. anyway. clean room. empty stomach. pounding headache. and slight cold. i want soup. and bed. and a new book. but i can't read books! i must study the constitution. and ap tests. pah. i really don't want to ever have to take all of those ap tests.

03:41 p.m. on Saturday, April 15, 2006:

It's a bright
It's a light
It's a so outta sight
It's a feeling all right, morning noon or night
It's the best thing in life that you don't have to buy
It's a funny funny feeling down in your heart
It's a neat
It's a treat
It's a something that's sweet
It's the one thing in life that will never be beat
It's a once it's inside you it loses the key
That's that funny funny feeling down in your heart
It's a pin
It's a friend
It's a how have you been
It's a `I'm looking forward to seeing you again'
It's a laugh
It's a grin
It's a let it begin
It's a walk through the park
It's a kiss in the dark
It's a vow made by two that they never will part
It's a spark that you feel from the moment it starts
Known as that funny funny feeling down in your heart

02:14 p.m. on Saturday, April 15, 2006:

i think the nature channel has moved to my front yard. there are two families of birds fighting. they've been fighting all morning. the woodpeckers built a little nest in a tree. and the cowbirds are laying their eggs in their nest. because that's what cowbirds do. and then the woodpeckers hatch them as their own, but cowbird babies are bigger than other baby birds so they get the food and natural selection happens and the other birds die. so i think we're going to try to separate out the cowbird eggs.

my family just had a wood-chucking contest. we were throwing logs off the front porch. our neighboors must think we're crazy.

09:54 p.m. on Wednesday, April 12, 2006:

Dear guy whose car alarm went off last night outside my window at three in the morning,
Forget you, man! Your car alarm is ridiculous. Years of trigger-happy alarms have trained the public to ignore them, and nobody would care if your tastelessly noisy car got stolen anyway. If someone had driven off in it last night as the alarm was blaring, I would have applauded him! THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY SENSE OF CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY.
Would you really have been happy if the car got stolen?
The honest answer is "Heck yes!" I would have smiled as I drifted back to nappy times. But in my defence, I was really tired! Plus, the guy was a jerl. He was all, "Man, if my car gets stolen, I want the WHOLE BLOCK to know! My car is totally important to everybody."
Maybe the alarm came with the car.

09:34 p.m. on Wednesday, April 12, 2006:

shaun of the dead = weird.
milo and otis = scary.
chem test tomorrow = no hope of passing.
awkward game = totally winning.
buckey=gone.
south carolina = irritating.
nationals = looming.

01:17 a.m. on Sunday, April 9, 2006:

"I am in the fucking woofer. How did I get in here? Oh my god, don't go in that door, that's not the bathroom, guys, that's the woofer. They should put a sign on the door that says, 'the woofer' 'cause this is the bathroom. And they just play that one beat all night. (somebody scream!) Then at the end of the night, three hours later, they turn on the lights, the music's off, and all you can hear for three days is bvrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

10:12 a.m. on Saturday, April 8, 2006:

Your lucky underwear is green. You're a total go getter who will scrape and crawl to get to the top. And your lucky green underwear will help you get there without a struggle. A fast learner, you enjoy a good mental challenge - whether it's getting your law degree or running a successful business. Sometimes you push too hard to succeed, alienating friends and wearing yourself out in the process. If you want to reach your goals while still maintaining a full life, put on your green underpants. They'll help you slow down and enjoy life.

your inner blood type is AYou seem cool and collected, though a bit shy. You are highly driven and a perfectionist, but that's a side you keep to yourself. Creative and artistic, you are a very unique person who doesn't quite fit in. People accept you more than you realize, seeing you as trustworthy and loyal. You are most compatible with: A and AB Famous Type A's: Britney Spears and Hilter

10:04 a.m. on Saturday, April 8, 2006:

there's no telling what may ensue
with a cat such as me and a thinker like you.
oh the thinks you can think, any thinker who thinks can come up with a few
think a trip on a ship to the vipper of vip or to solla sollew
think of beautiful shlopp with a cherry on top!
you don't need an excuse
oh the thinks you can think when you think about Seuss!

06:42 a.m. on Friday, April 7, 2006:

oh jeeze. i haven't blogged anything this week! what happened? well, yesterday i attacked trillium 2 with a fork and shouted at people in the hallway (i wasn't in a very good mood) then in bicen we went and didn't do too badly. then we played blackjack in italian. and then we had a unit meeting at sunny daes (me, jess will and mallory) and sang mr. farenheight and elephant love medly in the store. and then we had to go to the police station and i had my name taken down! that was exciting. and then we had the show! which was amazing! i'm so excited! okay. school! more about the show tomorrow when we rock again!!!!!!!!

06:19 a.m. on Monday, April 3, 2006:

"I would nullify your ass"
"I nullified you, bitch!"
"I would fucking secede"
"You can't secede! You're the national government!"

05:00 p.m. on Sunday, April 2, 2006:

things like this stress me out to no end.

armless boys suck.

03:41 p.m. on Sunday, April 2, 2006:

paw paw paw. i still haven't turned off the shower. which reminds me of operation drenched kitten. i'm not sure. should i go for it? it's legal now. f is cute. and really love-y. and keeps jumping on me when i'm asleep and waking me up. but oh! to have a new one!

03:37 p.m. on Sunday, April 2, 2006:

my shower is running. i said i was going to take a shower. and i turned on the shower. i opened my windows last week. if you were wondering. they're closed now. i don't think i closed them. i really don't remember. i think i'll go for a walk. and turn off my shower. nothing good can come of an empty shower that keeps running all day.

03:31 p.m. on Sunday, April 2, 2006:

first of all, insert conversation with aurora here.

second of all, theres a new show on vh1 called so notorious. about tori spelling. and! in one of the comercials for it they played ageless beauty (it's a stars song!) in the background! i'm not particularly fond of tori spelling and will never watch the show, but! hey! that's cool! but! it sucks. because, it's not cool for stars to be played in conjunction with stupid reality shows. anyway. i'm off to take a shower.

09:03 p.m. on Saturday, April 1, 2006:

man. long day. but the thai food! amazing. amayzing. jeeze. i need sleep.

08:13 a.m. on Saturday, April 1, 2006:

so it's aurora's 18th birthday!! now you're a legal adult! you can buy things off the tv! and vote! (reverse that order for the more important one first) too bad we have a full day rehearsal. but we're going out for icecream!! anyway, have a happy happy happy birthday, see you at school or maybe sooner!

02:38 p.m. on Friday, March 31, 2006:

i love days off. weekends aren't the same. weekends are equally as stressful as week days. but days off! oh man. nice nice. i need to eat lunch before i go. aaahhhh. no time! whatevs. i'm not going to get stressed today.

08:15 p.m. on Thursday, March 30, 2006:

i don't want a lot for christmas. there's just one thing i need. i don't care about the presents underneath the christmas tree.

mannnnnnnn. i feel like shit. whatevs.

i need to like, go to school. yeah. that would be a good plan. and get more sleep. school and sleep. i think they cancel eachother out. anyway. i'm listening to tom jones. don't ask me why. i think we have yearbook tomorrow morning? and then musical? pah. i quit.

06:13 p.m. on Wednesday, March 29, 2006:

omg. i have a date to prom.

10:14 p.m. on Tuesday, March 28, 2006:

m-o
m-o-r
m-o-r-n-i-n-g
w-o-o-d.

04:49 p.m. on Monday, March 27, 2006:

we just got back from samiya's house. i think we're going out tonight. this is a nice time to be in yearbook. i'm glad i was in the office all day and not in class. i don't think i could have made it through the day. i went to like, twenty minutes of chem. that was good. and we went out to lunch to mcdonalds. and katie ordered a fa-gee-ta. nice. anyway. i need to go work on the program. pah.

07:30 a.m. on Sunday, March 26, 2006:

how do you blog this? for now the solution is not to. i thought i was all cried out until this morning - there's a huge article in the connecticut post about it. like, the second page. i couldn't get through the first column without crying so hard that i couldn't read the type anymore. i guess the phone at home was ringing off the hook. caroline called all of the graduates from last year - prerna, jason, dustin. even now, i'm crying. i didn't know it was possible for a person to cry this much for this long.

01:59 p.m. on Thursday, March 23, 2006:

i guess i'll go to school now.

10:57 p.m. on Tuesday, March 21, 2006:

77120. i thought i'd be rusty. that was pretty much the highlight of my day. tontie. that's sad. i'm going to bed.

10:02 p.m. on Tuesday, March 21, 2006:

today was the worst day of my life.

but! i'm psychic! so i guess that makes up for it.

i got my new driver today.
ping. g-2. amaaaaaaazing.

and stage right is clean. and those god damned risers are in the corner. and aurora and i laid up in the catwalk for awhile. freaking life sucks. and. to top it all off, i think i'm going to wear the same thing tomorrow. that's my mood. and i'm not doing any homework. and i'm not going to work on the program. and i'm not going to school tomorrow. wtf.

06:30 a.m. on Tuesday, March 21, 2006:

vanishing wind ward
ocean gulls and all voices
measureless ocean

books waiting
resting
but behind me apple tree's
flowering blossoms

budding there through the branches
gleaming massive the arc of the night sky

broken the sword-flag now dances fiery the flame
sun is a drummer
i would sit all the eve beneath the rowans abloom
oh, but these bug bites.

06:25 a.m. on Tuesday, March 21, 2006:

En reentrant de l'ecole par unchemin perdu,
J'ai recontre la lune, deriere les bois noirs. Elle etait ronde et claire et brillante dans l'ari.
En reentrant de l'ecole par un chemin perdu,
avez-vous etendu la chouette qui vole et le doux rossignol?

10:06 p.m. on Sunday, March 19, 2006:

television shows that have 14 shots of peoplelooking at each other with the wind blowing through their hair drive me insane.

just once i'd like to be able to say, "yeah, i'm not feeling so good, my leg is haunted."
there's a reason why you only take one packet of theraflu at a time.

hi.
hey.
hi.
hi.
hi.
hi.
i have to get to school.
yeah, me too.
bye.
bye. bye.
bye.
bye.
bye.
bye.
bye.
what the hell was that?

03:57 p.m. on Sunday, March 19, 2006:

why is my cat sparkly?

11:20 p.m. on Saturday, March 18, 2006:

i am so tired! i've spent all day working on the program. it looks really good, but since i'm such a stickler for perfection when it comes to things like this, it's taking forever! anyway. i figured out the easiest way to convert from inDesign to pagemaker. and it also works on the easiest way to give the publisher the document. after i put everything on a page in, i'm grouping it, and then copying it into photoshop and then saving it as an image and then placing it into the pagemaker program. brilliant! anyway. i lost kenny's bio. but one out of twenty four isn't bad. it'll turn up. anyway. all of the full page ads are done. which is really nice because those take the longest and need to look the nicest. one ad took me about an hour and a half because it was only a print out, and it was really nice, and there was so much on it! and it had to look perfect! because i liked the print out. and it was about an author. so i figured it should look really nice. anyway. i'm going to bed. i have to read announcements at church tomorrow so i have to be awake.

06:37 a.m. on Friday, March 17, 2006:

i'm tired. i didn't do my first amendment bit. maybe third period? whatever. and i didn't read for english. but i did my math. and my chem. and my italian. nice.

02:16 a.m. on Thursday, March 16, 2006:

why is it, that the one day i don't have capt in the morning i stay awake past two? craaaaaaaazy. i just lost the game. damn blue note on my dresser. says, "you lost." pshht. whatever. i'm going to bed.

01:36 a.m. on Thursday, March 16, 2006:

i should go to bed. but i don't want to!

our paper is finished. it's alright. i'm not wild about it. i still need to do that math homework. damn math. anyway. i'm going to bed. bed, i say!

06:31 a.m. on Monday, March 13, 2006:

done. huzzah. i want a nap.

05:49 a.m. on Monday, March 13, 2006:

That’s a barmy idea and you know it!

i really should focus on finishing this paper.

05:43 a.m. on Monday, March 13, 2006:

the word unrestful is not in my word dictionary. but it's in a quote. weirdddd.

05:38 a.m. on Monday, March 13, 2006:

so, i'm making this cinnamon toast. in the oven. and, it's really good. but that's not the point. my mom burned something in there last night, so when i put my toast in and the oven was hot, it set off the smoke alarm. at five in the morning! and, i feared my parents would wake up and yell at me. nope. it didn't even wake them. i feel safe now, knowing that the lightest sleepers in the world won't wake up to the smoke alarm going off. nice. good.

05:15 a.m. on Monday, March 13, 2006:

i guess i could finish my english essay. i really want some toast. and for this essay to be done. one more long body paragraph and then conclusion. sweet. maybe i should make some toast as my reward for getting my paper done. well, it's not quite done yet, but assuming i eventually finish this paper, i will need a reward. and i think i'll accept that reward right now. nice.

06:36 p.m. on Sunday, March 12, 2006:

i figured out why my body was so sore. damn you body. damn you.

06:25 p.m. on Sunday, March 12, 2006:

silence.

english essay topic! finally have one. after two and a half hours. and now my eyes are tired from staring at the computer screen. so now i can't write my essay. oh well.

i can't believe my cat is going to die tomorrow. i can't write this essay! i have a cat to attend to! and! he doesn't even know he's on his death bed. i wish i could tell him so he had some time to adjust. rather than taking an awful car ride in a tiny plastic box and being miserable and then thrown onto a cold slab of metal and injected with some fatal poison. that seems like a bad way to go. maybe i should take him somewhere else. let him escape. he wouldn't leave though. he loves this place too much. really. i hate life. and death. and stupid vets. and stupid stupid stupid everything. this is the worst day of my life. this is the last day of his. this is so terrible.

02:46 p.m. on Sunday, March 12, 2006:

i guess i should start my english paper.

12:46 p.m. on Sunday, March 12, 2006:

actually, the more i think about it, the more i don't want him to get put to sleep. i mean, i know it's going to happen, but who are we to literally end his life? he should die when his body is ready, not when we say so. this is ridiculous. we suck. i hate life.

12:44 p.m. on Sunday, March 12, 2006:

okay. english essay. musical phone calls. bicen paper. musical program.

tux is getting put to sleep tomorrow. i don't think i can go. musical practice. i don't think i'd want to go anyway. this morning i gave him a saucer of milk and a few treats. i brushed him for like an hour before church. painful for me because a) i know that's the last time he's ever going to get that and b) i'm really allergic to cats. but what's the harm in spoiling him now?

09:32 p.m. on Friday, March 10, 2006:

i want muffins.
i just lost the game.
i need to get out of here!!!!!!!
i hate the program.

07:40 p.m. on Friday, March 10, 2006:

aurora. i'm logged in on your neopet account. i should steal aaallll of your neopoints. but i wont. because i'm nice.

07:29 p.m. on Friday, March 10, 2006:

lemon tree.

i love jack's mannequin.

WAAAAAHHHH.
smiles starts at midnight.
to go or not to go.
i hope the bicen party works out. i REALLY do.
um. that capitalization was emphasis. if you were wondering.

Cormano Wild (7:34:07 PM): that way I can mess around with myself any way I want

margonis DOES NOT EQUAL hugh hefner. fyi.
wtf is the difference between a bumpkin, a hick, a hillbilly and a redneck?

u4 rocks. question three does not.
fuckuckuckuckuck.
that's that.
ICE CREAM GAME!!!

06:32 a.m. on Friday, March 10, 2006:

i do not want to go to school. it feels like saturday. i really love jack's mannequin. fritter's going crazy. we were i not being mean. i guess i have to like, get up? is that what people do this early in the morning? that sucks. is capt over? i think we have a little more. nice. well, i suppose i have to start find ling clothes. when does school start, anyways?

07:27 p.m. on Thursday, March 9, 2006:

this is gracie's blog about whatever she wanted to blog about today. insert a quote from flash gordon that she forgot because shes an idiot. or a mongo-space-ho-bag
will is a right-foul git
he denies it
her keyboard sucks
insert really strange noise that is emitting from under the covers
i think gracie is under there
gracie wants to work
i have fuzz in my mouth

09:18 a.m. on Thursday, March 9, 2006:

Allison: hi
me: yo!
Allison: check yo' email fooo
me: i'm sending you an email!
hah
Allison: haha
ok
frenzied frothing frenetic fun­da­ment­al­ist fuck­er­s...!
from jess
i seee it i seee it
me: blas­phom­ous bullfrogs bitting bitter bumbling berry bushes, bitch!
Allison: whoa, hold up now...we aren't trying to start no con­front­a­tion­s...­fooos
ball
me: funk dat yo
Allison: yeah whatevs

12:19 a.m. on Thursday, March 9, 2006:

i'm not going to bother pasting in all the codes. here are the highlites from the quizes i'm taking:
you're optomistic and content with your life. A great talker, you can keep the conversation going for hours. You are sure of your success. At your worst, you are vain. You're very jealous - which just magnifies the craziness around you.

If you were a soda you'd be Dr. Pepper. You're very unique and funky, yet you still have a bit of traditionalism to you.People who like you think they have great taste... and they usually do. Your best soda match: Root Beer. Stay away from: 7 Up.

Animal You Were in a Past Life: Whale.

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian: You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead...But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place.You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius

You like to think of yourself as innocent, even though you're not! You're a closet exhibitionist who gets a thrill from being secretly naughty.

In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so.

Your porn star name is E.Z. Lay

All this came from me picking a picture of some hills: You have the power to persuade and influence others. You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around. The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it. Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think!

You passed the U.S. Citizenship Test! Congratulations! You got 10/10 right.

You should way 140 pounds.

You could pass 8th grade science!

and that's it for tonight. i need to go to bed. unit meeting tomorrow morning!

11:55 p.m. on Wednesday, March 8, 2006:

carolineesque (11:14:36 PM): fuzzy pompoms and googly eyes and things
carolineesque (11:14:49 PM): i made six
carolineesque (11:14:52 PM): silly ones
carolineesque (11:14:54 PM): there's a sad one
homegrownunknown (11:14:55 PM): hah
carolineesque (11:14:57 PM): and one with three eyes
carolineesque (11:15:00 PM): and one with one eye
carolineesque (11:15:02 PM): and one with a hat
carolineesque (11:15:04 PM): and one with hair
carolineesque (11:15:12 PM): and then on a whim i made a tennis fuzzy
homegrownunknown (11:15:14 PM): a hat!
carolineesque (11:15:21 PM): which i seriously want to mail to scott with no explanation
carolineesque (11:15:30 PM): cute? or really weird? or both?
homegrownunknown (11:15:30 PM): hah
homegrownunknown (11:15:31 PM): do it
carolineesque (11:15:38 PM): i need to find a little box.
carolineesque (11:15:42 PM): i don't want him to get crunched
carolineesque (11:15:50 PM): he's really cute.
carolineesque (11:41:13 PM): it doesn't have a mouth
carolineesque (11:41:19 PM): i believe in deformed fuzzies
homegrownunknown (11:15:55 PM): i read "i need to find a litter box"
homegrownunknown (11:15:58 PM): and i was really confused
homegrownunknown (11:34:12 PM): tomorrow my unit is coming over. at like. seven in the morning. i'm not happy. i neeeed my sleep. and my room is not clean
homegrownunknown (11:34:24 PM): because i'm cleaning my drawers
homegrownunknown (11:34:33 PM): so there are piles everywhere that i need to sort through
homegrownunknown (11:34:38 PM): at least they're all folded
homegrownunknown (11:34:54 PM): maybe i can move them to the dining room. no. guest room. silly.
homegrownunknown (11:35:01 PM): man i'm tired
homegrownunknown (11:35:10 PM): i suppose i could move them to the dining room
carolineesque (11:35:21 PM): haha
carolineesque (11:35:24 PM): that wouldn't be a good plan
homegrownunknown (11:35:30 PM): pah.
carolineesque (11:36:02 PM): pah!
carolineesque (11:44:24 PM): don't i have mad fuzzy making skillz?
homegrownunknown (11:44:27 PM): mmm
carolineesque (11:45:45 PM): well, it's on crack.
carolineesque (11:47:44 PM): i need a little box for the tennis fuzzy
homegrownunknown (11:47:44 PM): 9101 1486 3564 7001 1498 73
carolineesque (11:47:51 PM): what?
carolineesque (11:48:13 PM): what's with the random numbers yo?
carolineesque (11:48:45 PM): BOX dammit
homegrownunknown (11:48:48 PM): i was talking in CODE!
carolineesque (11:49:00 PM): yeah yeah
homegrownunknown (11:49:10 PM): 2378 19 4702 33 759 7368 09
homegrownunknown (11:49:17 PM): that means : meeeeeeeeeep
homegrownunknown (11:49:22 PM): eep eep
homegrownunknown (11:49:24 PM): pop!
homegrownunknown (11:49:27 PM): that's what it means
carolineesque (11:49:39 PM): fine then.
carolineesque (11:49:44 PM): how do you say box?
homegrownunknown (11:49:50 PM): BOX!
homegrownunknown (11:49:52 PM): you idiot!
homegrownunknown (11:49:54 PM): in code?
homegrownunknown (11:50:27 PM): 924 7642 215975 45 329 8057. well, actually that says "little box for the little tennis fuzzy"
carolineesque (11:50:39 PM): nice
homegrownunknown (11:50:41 PM): it changes when you use it in context you see
homegrownunknown (11:50:45 PM): so i had to put it in a sentence
carolineesque (11:50:47 PM): of course
homegrownunknown (11:54:47 PM): i can't decide if i should clean, work on the program, or sleep
________________________________________
Auto Response from carolineesque (11:54:48 PM): homegrownunknown (11:54:19 PM): 924 7642 215975 45 329 8057. well, actually that says "little box for the little tennis fuzzy"
________________________________________
homegrownunknown (11:54:55 PM): i'm cute.

10:02 p.m. on Tuesday, March 7, 2006:

harry potter + u4 = the best unit meeting ever!

so i came home, watched gg (not a new episode...but jess was in it so i don't care) and then my dad and i watched the ring 2. holy crap! i've seen it before, but it's so scary. at least for me. because i'm a movie wimp. so i screamed all of the way through. and then, after it was over and we were shaken up, we watched a little charlie brown (about two minutes...it was the end) and then watched julia childs teach us how to eat lobster and laughed. and laughed and laughed. if you ever get the chance to watch her. do it. it's hysterical. now i'm going to bed. after i stay up all night. right.

03:01 a.m. on Tuesday, March 7, 2006:

now! i'm going to bed! i swear!

02:03 a.m. on Tuesday, March 7, 2006:

so i smelled the pasta before i had even gone downstairs to the fridge to eat said pasta. but when i openned the containter all i could smell was chinese food. so i put it in a bowl and into the microwave. i licked the fork, and it tasted like deviled eggs. (we should have deviled eggs for the banquet! i'll make them. and eat them. and they're round. nice.) but then it tasted like pasta when i finally ate it.

i was wondering. (DAMNIT! i just lost the game again!) what do half of the buttons on my microwave do? the one-touch cooking thing? where you hit breakfast or lunch or dinner? what does that have to do with how long you cook it for? what if i'm eating left over chinese for breakfast. if it was last night's dinner and today's breakfast...what button do i push? or if i eat pasta at 2 in the morning?! these microwave folks should think these things through.

and now, kenny is going to crawl into a woman's uterus for six hours!

really. i shouldn't be allowed to stay up this late. i go crazy.

01:30 a.m. on Tuesday, March 7, 2006:

i haven't gotten the pasta yet. but i can smell the pasta. of course, i can't really smell it. but i can! and oh it smells so good. i need to get some. now.

01:25 a.m. on Tuesday, March 7, 2006:

why do i stay up this late when i can sleep in tomorrow. i'm getting the same amount of sleep as if i woke up at six! this is silly. but i'm not tired! i think i (i just lost the game) (now i should explain the thought process: i went out to dinner (thus the cute waiter comment) and got penne a la vodka. and i'm hungry. so i was going to eat it. and then i thought of aurora because we had penne a la vodka at her house which she made and it was lovely. so then i started thinking about thinking about aurora. and then i lost the game. the end) will get some pasta. i'm hungry. and not tired. so maybe this will give me something to do. i just downloaded like 800 fonts. and! aurora! i found the new yorker font! for free! sucks we didn't find it earlier. and i found a font that looks a lot like that crazily evasive font, but it's not quite right. annnyway. pasta!

08:21 p.m. on Monday, March 6, 2006:

cute waiter! bus boy! whatever!

10:47 p.m. on Sunday, March 5, 2006:

i never really liked watching the academy awards. i need to clean my room. i did all my homework! exciting, i know. this has been a stressful weekend. i'm kindof off my game. one of my dear friends alice (now 97 or 98. she keeps telling me she's 94 every year) is not doing so well. i went to visit her today after church. yesterday we went to get her an mri and should get the results on tuesday or wednesday. i can't imagine her not being around anymore. my mother seems to think this is it, but i suppose i refuse to accept that.

09:14 p.m. on Saturday, March 4, 2006:

mad hot ballroom=mad hot. way good.

i slept until two today. i guess i'm a regular teenager after all.

12:01 a.m. on Saturday, March 4, 2006:

home at 11:54. i can't believe it's over. and proofs are going to suck! but. last deadline. remember how much we cried last year? now it's more shock than sadness.

07:32 a.m. on Friday, March 3, 2006:

i don't want to go to school! i want to stay home! and have deadline here! we should definitely skip.

at least it's not a full day. that's nice. the day will go faster.
i should do my homework. that's an idea. but i don't feel like it! ahh!

06:37 a.m. on Friday, March 3, 2006:

ninty minutes. sweet. i still don't want school.

shirts came! i'm so excited!

and deadline. pah. last one of the year for the book. i wrote my editorial. i hate it.
now i'm making a playlist but i don't have any clean cds. so i'll put it on my flash and play it through a computer. yeyah.

man, i can't believe this is the last one.

02:40 p.m. on Thursday, March 2, 2006:

can i get a witness?

huzzah for going to school and not having to so we don't die on deadline tomorrow. i have to write my editorial. pah.
it's snowing again.
and i can't really start doing the program until i know if i can use indesign or i've got to use pagemaker. which sucks. i think i'll do nothing now. oh. ps. i prefer them ontop of eachother.

09:05 p.m. on Tuesday, February 28, 2006:

oh my goodness! lane is engaged!!!!!!!!!! to zack!!!!!!!!!! oh my goodness!!!!!!!!

11:46 p.m. on Monday, February 27, 2006:

again-why am i still awake. i'm notplaying something corporate tonight or i'll never get to sleep.

woah! i just looked down and there's a vein in my right arm-like, two inches below my wrist that's really big. weeiiirrddddd.
anyway. i should go to bed.
oh! ally cosgrove came to play practice today! talk about blast from the past.

09:25 p.m. on Monday, February 27, 2006:

i dont feel good.
i haven't started any of my homework.
but the program is laid out.
i just typed "laid" as "layed."
and then changed it.
because that's not right.

11:55 p.m. on Sunday, February 26, 2006:

my tooth really hurts. and i didn't finish reading for chemistry. but i installed photoshop! and...that's about all i've done. i guess i'll go to bed now. and print out that bicen essay. do we need that tomorrow?

10:04 p.m. on Sunday, February 26, 2006:

i can't decide whether or not i want the paint brush or my money back. i guess it's a great deal. and i WANT IT!!!!!!!!! but, all my neopoints! gone! well, i've been playing games so i've got like 4000 now instead of 200. but still. jeeze.

08:23 p.m. on Sunday, February 26, 2006:

An evil villain is standing high above, in his floating citadel of death. He is plotting to destroy your land, so what do you do? Make a plushie that looks like him and hit it with a stick of course!

06:17 p.m. on Sunday, February 26, 2006:

05:06 p.m. on Sunday, February 26, 2006:

i almost have this commenting system down. i've got the program running and the links up, i just have to figure out a few more things before comments actually show up. pah. i'll work on it later.

04:03 p.m. on Sunday, February 26, 2006:

i am tired. and tired. and tired. i slept all the way home. for some reason, on vacation, i wake up at five thirty. no sleeping late for me. each morning! well, today i slept until six thirty. but really! i'm a teenager! i want to sleep until noon!

12:03 p.m. on Sunday, February 26, 2006:

hey God, would you still hang out with me if i didn't have any friends?
haha. nope.

11:56 a.m. on Sunday, February 26, 2006:

corn muffins! lovely lovely lovely.

who will help me spell "the wheat?

our first paper sucks.

april 11th!

someday, i'll say something interesting.

09:03 a.m. on Sunday, February 26, 2006:

there's monkey bread for brunch today.

08:55 a.m. on Sunday, February 26, 2006:

the trash can incident was a sad, sad part of my life. i'm glad that's over with.

i'm coming home today!
i love caroline. but. it's time to come home. and sleep in a bed! instead of the floor. and shower in a real shower! they have a bath tub here, it's about three feet long. apparently one of caroline's friends actually attempted taking a bath in it.

this weekend, i watched the complete season five of gilmore girls. and cried the entire last few episodes. because. it's when rory leaves the stamford gazette and is told she's not good enough and then quits yale and then loreali and luke get engaged when she asks him to marry her in the dinner! oh wow. i need something else to do. maybe i'll work on one this morning. i don't even think i've got the other half of the unit's bullet for two with me. oh well.

oh woah oh oh oh

i need to take a shower. i hope i don't have to relive the trash can this time around.

06:58 p.m. on Saturday, February 25, 2006:

but it was my birthday!

time! is what we don't have.

this is some really groovy music. classical is the way to go this week.

caroline's going to kill me. i'm running away!!!

09:34 p.m. on Friday, February 24, 2006:

i just wanted to mention that there is a new love intrest in my life. showers. my goodness! this is a silly entry, but in all honesty, have you thanked your shower lately? the warmth! the clean! they must be sent from heaven. really. and, who ever had the radical idea in france or england or wherever it was that those crazy people never showered who decided that showering often was a good thing, well, i should write him a letter. and send him flowers. or soap! oh! that reminds me, i was going to bring caroline soap and i forgot. oh well. this will not lower my high spirits. though, i have to say, this lack of soap did put a slight damper on the shower celebration. but, we connecticut girls have learned to deal with hardships such as a low supply of soap. let's not get radical here, but maybe we can russle up some lard and make our own! perhaps not. shampoo works as soap in emergency situations like this. ha. you must think i'm crazy. but trust me - love your shower. and love everything else about this life we lead! tomorrow i will wake up and read this and think "oy vey. i'm such a silly ignorant babbling idiot." but that's what makes me unusually charming! i've always been a glass-half-full kind-of gal, myself.

last note, i swear: i can't wait for school to start again!
night.

07:36 p.m. on Thursday, February 23, 2006:

yatta yatta yatta yatta

05:22 p.m. on Thursday, February 23, 2006:

pah. caroline is asleep and there is nothing for me to do here. i could work on bicen but i'm not really in the mood. so. it's five twenty. we'll go to dinner in like twenty minutes, but what oh what should i do for those twenty minutes? meh.

10:00 a.m. on Thursday, February 23, 2006:

goodbye.

off to carolines.

out of trumbull.

04:22 p.m. on Wednesday, February 22, 2006:

aurora's finaly come out of my closet.

02:37 p.m. on Wednesday, February 22, 2006:

most of the time, when it's vacation time, i'm in a good mood. when people are idiots and make me angry, i am not.

maybe i need a second to say SHUT UP!!!!!!

i can't wait until my unit comes over. i think i'll feel better.

yay life!

01:35 p.m. on Wednesday, February 22, 2006:

death

10:33 a.m. on Wednesday, February 22, 2006:

Enthritologie says 'unit four is coming over today!'...


Beep growls really menacingly!!!

08:54 a.m. on Wednesday, February 22, 2006:

wonka wonka wonka wonka

i need to pack.

and do the program

but i don't know the dimentions!

woe is me.

salty doom.

etcetera etcetera

09:47 p.m. on Tuesday, February 21, 2006:

unit meeting tomorrow!
just not, quite as popular as me!
i should go to bed. today was really a waste of energy. i've played this song 58 times. play counts rock. my life does not.

06:00 p.m. on Tuesday, February 21, 2006:

Its April 1st and a man is waiting for his first child to be born. The doctor comes out and tells the man it will be a little while longer. The man says ok. About two hours later, the doctor comes out, smashes the baby into the wall, breaks its arms and legs, and cracks open its skull. The man asks" Doctor, what thel hell are you doing to my child!" And the doctor responds, " April fools it was already dead."
i need a life,

05:40 p.m. on Tuesday, February 21, 2006:

it's not about aptitude,
it's the way you're viewed.
so it's very shrewed to be
very very popular
like me.

02:01 p.m. on Tuesday, February 21, 2006:

REMUS J LUPIN I WILL GET YOU ON THAT MOTORBIKE IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO. Moony you can't IMAGINE how wild it is, it just PURRS when you get it up there, James calls it the Vibrator because he is a foul-minded little hag, but honestly it is the best thing I have ever experienced, never was bribe money put to better use. You will be tied to the seat if necessary. Even PETER said he would go on, if PETER can do it you can bloody do it.

QUIET IS BORING. BOOOOOOOOORIIIIIIING. I AM GOING TO SEND YOU A BIG FAT HOWLER AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT. Who do you have to feel superior to without me around eh?? And if no one is reading over your shoulder who will TALK TO YOU about the interesting things that happen in your book?? Remembrance of Things Past would not have been NEARLY as good without my running commentary, remember when I acted out that bit about the fairy of names? I am a GENIUS.

I want to help you eat your sandwich. I am hungry now.

01:51 p.m. on Tuesday, February 21, 2006:

here we sit like birds in the wilderness
birds in the wilderness
birds in the wilderness
here we sit like birds in the wilderness
waiting for george to buy.

01:47 p.m. on Tuesday, February 21, 2006:

66255. i need a new hobby. but the only times i play i post my score. so i'm only playing twice a day or so and my scores are increasing by almost 10000 everytime i play. nice.

10:33 a.m. on Tuesday, February 21, 2006:

57670. i guess i need to break 60000 now. i wish something new came though instead of it just getting faster and faster.

08:41 a.m. on Tuesday, February 21, 2006:

let's take our baby to the common.
sounds like fun!
(at the common)
it sure is a nice day.
hey, it looks like other people put their babies in small wheeled vehicles.
those babies must be paid!
there are two babies in that one.
hey, baby, that other baby is looking at you funny!
yeah
are you going to just take that, baby?
show 'em whose boss!
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
okay, that's not much of a fight.
no! don't give him your graham crackers!

08:38 a.m. on Tuesday, February 21, 2006:

these things burn. not pleasant.

what song are we going to do? i'm so excited.

i think i'll wear green pants today.

sorry for the lame entry. i really just wanted to say these things burn. but i figured i'd ammend it with what's on my mind. clearly not much if i'm thinking about green pants. perhaps the day will grow more interesting as it unfolds.

09:26 p.m. on Monday, February 20, 2006:

I'm sending my iPod back again. This will be the fourth or fifth time. It's been sitting around collecting dust for a few months. I figure it won't cost me anything to try one more time. I think i've lost my hookup cable to my computer though. I wonder where it is. pah. I hate technology.

08:24 p.m. on Monday, February 20, 2006:

damn i'm good: 48705. damn damn damn.

07:48 p.m. on Monday, February 20, 2006:

smith is hosting an american-idol type competition. thursday they are filming the bad applicants. caroline and i are going to pick a song and make a routine for the bad applicant day. i'm excited.

(italic means i didn't say it. and. i'm glad i'm not credited for this)
who wants to hear me freestyle in iambic pentameter?
my homies in my crew be wicked def/
o'er in downtown is where i like to chill/
you step to me, i have to call thee ill/
word to your mother.

04:46 p.m. on Monday, February 20, 2006:

it will be hard for me to write light switch fan fiction.
i accept your challenge, though.
perhaps they will fight the power sockets and everyone will learn a valuable lesson.

i like reading. if reading were a band, i'd have all their albums. if reading were you, i'd want to date it.

for an extra $7.50 i'll call you "my pop-tart."

12:12 p.m. on Monday, February 20, 2006:

your message has been sent.
you are rocking, and as such i will refrain from knocking.
do the crime, and you will be obliged to do the time.
too much talk, not enough rock.
i have no mouth and i must eat the whole damn bag of chips.

--
Gracie

11:31 a.m. on Monday, February 20, 2006:

No! I'd be a tasty taste in the morning!
later:
T-Rex: Like Waking Up Covered In Someone Else's Blood, But In A Good Way!
I HAVE LONG SINCE STOPPED SOLICITING SUGGESTIONS, UTAHRAPTOR.

07:40 p.m. on Sunday, February 19, 2006:

at dinner, my dad declared he hated the term "lazy susan" and decided we should think up with a new one. so we sat trying to figure out the latin root for rotate. we didn't think of one. then we went back and forth with words that sounded like eachother. mudders went to muggers (of course each word had an intro like, people who take money from those on the street are muggers) to buggerers and then we went on the muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and methodists! list from blazing saddles. my mom just shook her head. and my grandmother was quite shocked when my dad and i shouted "ass-kickers and shit-kickers" really loudly across the dinner table.

apparently my sister was hanging out at harvard with scott and someone commented on the diverse group of people that were there and caroline said (rather loudly) "but we don't want the irish!" and half the people started laughing hysterically and the other half thought she was racist and asked her what was wrong with irish people.

01:31 p.m. on Sunday, February 19, 2006:

there were two kids at church today. two! including me. so, one!

will just called. harvard doesn't have the book.

the right to privacy books is amazing! it's got a case from the nixon adminsitration that is perfect! i'm so excited.

lunch!

09:04 a.m. on Sunday, February 19, 2006:

32310. i should play more in the morning. and no, that's not a typo. i broke 30000. but after the bomb head guys nothing else changes so it's kindof the same as the last level for a long time. whatever, i need to get ready to go to church! i'm late!

08:41 a.m. on Sunday, February 19, 2006:

we went out to that big blue antique building yesterday. we spent so much time there when we were little. it hasn't changed at all. (except the telephone booth is gone)

06:58 p.m. on Saturday, February 18, 2006:

HAH!
that's all i'm saying.

06:48 p.m. on Saturday, February 18, 2006:

I’ve been wanting to change my layout. Aurora and I were working on getting another image but computers are assholes and floppy disks are obsolete so I used this one instead. Quick change, no major overhaul. I’m glad I already had the iframe transparent. It’s hell to find that code.

if there's one thing i like about vacation it's that i have time to watch coneheads.

caroline's in a few days! i can't wait to get out of trumbull.

i'm hungry.

(he works from nine to five and then he takes another home again to find me waiting for him.)

ah! i almost forgot!

06:30 p.m. on Saturday, February 18, 2006:

22640.

our kitchen is done!

i've read about half of my first book on privacy. it's got a lot. books are great.

i wish i had that picture so i could change my layout. this sucks.

08:13 p.m. on Friday, February 17, 2006:

pah pah pah. vaaacation.

Today, u4 checked out books from the library! books are really obsolete. That's sort of sad. The ones we checked out haven't been taken out of the library in over a decade. Aurora and I were talking about how we haven't used books for research since at least seventh grade.

My dad just popped in and asked if I wanted to play a board game. Any game except the Nancy Drew Mystery Game. That was my favorite game for years. so i'm off to play a board game! I don't think my family has played a board game for years.

Aurora, why the hell are these Feist songs so catchy? The Mushaboom song is ridiculous! I can't stop singing it! I should listen to something else.

Caroline's off to Boston. So I can't talk to her. And now I'm sad and lonley. At least we're playing board games!

06:40 p.m. on Wednesday, February 15, 2006:

18105. i win again.

10:20 p.m. on Tuesday, February 14, 2006:

i win!

12:58 a.m. on Tuesday, February 14, 2006:

ugh! i've been playing this game for an hour now! i get the gold hammer every time but for some reason i keep doing stupid things. the hammer is awesome though. i can hit the spikey balls and get a heart to pop up. the little men with no faces i can hit and get two coins from them. everything only takes one hit so even the red guys with the chains go away after one. my arm is tired. and i need to write the conlcusion. and figure out will's paragraph. i'll do it in the morning. or not at all. whatever.

09:54 a.m. on Monday, February 13, 2006:

my baby takes the morning train. he works from nine to five and then he takes another home again to find me waiting for him.

play

unit meeting today? i need to clean my room. and do proofs. pah.

01:24 a.m. on Monday, February 13, 2006:

i have to stop playing this game. i'm going to bed. if we don't meet tomorrow, i think i'll have a chick flick marathon. say anything, love actually, when harry met sally, the whole nine yards. for now i guess i can just listen to peter gabriel's "in your eyes."

09:47 p.m. on Sunday, February 12, 2006:

what can't i fix? i can fix anything! i helped carry a man's fingers today to the hospital! i'm amazing! what do you need? what do i need? i'm lost.

09:37 p.m. on Sunday, February 12, 2006:

today my neighboor cut his fingers off with the snowblower. we had to use my belt as the tourniquet. it was pretty awesome.

in other news, i cleaned the bathroom today.
and ate some really bad soup.

and we have no school tomorrow.
bicen meeting?

05:35 p.m. on Saturday, February 11, 2006:

deadline lasted until eleven. aurora and i broke a lot of laws. and then went to grill and bar. and were called lovely. then we yelled at b. then we got everyone's spreads done. because we rock. i got my blood tested today - i have really nicely colored blood. we had to buy some spray paint today. and we walked into the store, they gave us the spray paint and seven dollars. good deal. this afternoon i watched us play switzerland in women's hockey (us kicked ass - even under a swiss power play, well, double because it was five on three us still managed to score.) it was pretty nice. then i napped. and spoke in spanish to hernando. i don't know spanish. snack attack motherfucker!

12:48 a.m. on Friday, February 10, 2006:

ugh! i am so exhausted. but i can't believe i've gotten almost all of my homework done before one! my italian project, which took forever to finish, is done! my math homework, done! (but i don't know what the quiz is on so i can't study) my italian packet is done and last, but certainly not least the bicen paper is done. it's three pages and two lines. and i still have to read heart of darkness. i can't decide if i can do that tonight or if i should wake up bright and early to the brooding gloom. and deadline's tomorrow! oh man will i be tired.

i left liz a note saying i was dissapointed in her and irritated that her section was not even close to being done. and now i feel really badly about it. even though b said it was exactly what she needed to get working. i'm not very good at being mean to people. i think i'll appologize when deadline is over.

next next week i'm going to see caroline! i talked to her on the phone for an hour today and realized that my baby ad (which i'm not supposed to know about or work on) has the exact same words as caroline's. so i put in the same graphic because it was funny. i had a dinasaur in there too but i just let it romp around the spread and eventually deleted it.

i think i'll play whach-a-ghost and then go to bed. i'll read about the gloom in the mo(u)rning. (i'm so clever.)

09:41 p.m. on Monday, February 6, 2006:

i had a funny dream and you were wearing funny shoes.

i'm a cuckoo.

doctor's tomorrow! i really want to go to play practice and scold the kids who didn't turn in their forms. but oh well. i haven't started any of my homework yet. and i still have to finish cleaning my room. i think i'll get a glass of milk to keep me going.

i'm a cuckoo.

09:20 a.m. on Sunday, February 5, 2006:

too bad i've been sick all week! jeeze! i didn't even know a person could be sick this long! i mean, i did, but really! u2 and u4 are still going to lunch but i feel like crap still so i'm not really up for it. it'll be fun but i'm afraid i'll be miserable and ruin everyone's time. i need a shower. and to clean my room. and some more pants. and to do my chemsitry homework. i guess i'll start at the top of the list and work down until i figure out if i'm going to lunch or not.

ps to both of you: sucks to your ass-mar. we're going to dc!

09:18 a.m. on Sunday, February 5, 2006:

this was in my inbox two days ago. i just thought i should post it:
michael margonis to me
Feb 3 (2 days ago)
It's official, we're going to D.C. Spread the word.

07:58 p.m. on Thursday, February 2, 2006:

i'm in a really good mood.

08:49 a.m. on Wednesday, February 1, 2006:

so i'm home this morning. i think i'm going in for the rest of the day after bicen. i think i'll take a nap before i head out. fourth period starts at 10:14. so i've got about an hour before i need to leave. man i feel really crappy. i'll get over it. i think my fever's gone anyway! i'm getting better! the middle school competition for bicen is in early april. i'm so excited! what's left, 91 days till nationals? fantastic. margonis wants to win the entire competition. i don't think we can do that but we can sure as hell make top ten! maybe instead of a nap i'll start researching some more questions.

09:02 p.m. on Tuesday, January 31, 2006:

what was that? awesome episode -- they've never shot a scene like that in gg history. but seriously -- next week--what's that about? i feel like writers are getting a little too whacko with this script. and i really wish logan would get out of the picture. i do not like him. anyway. i'm going to bed. i've slept all day, i've got a 102 fever, play practice lasted forever and i feel really really awful. i haven't done any of my homework, but who the hell really cares? i might come to school, maybe i'll just sleep late and come in late. i'll come in for bicen. that sounds like a plan.

04:38 p.m. on Sunday, January 29, 2006:

i have half of the fly book left to read. i want to research right to privacy. i want to buy a new bicen binder. i want to get the yearbook stuff over and done with. i want to take another nap. caroline went home already. i got a flu shot today. and they took my picture twice. i haven't gotten a shot in years. i have to admit i was sort of a wimp about it. the woman told me to look at the firemen. and now my arm is really sore. well, not so much anymore. anyway. i took a nap - i think the shot made me tired. and now i have a lot to do. and instead, i'm going to bum around online until i frantically attempt to get all of my work done. sound like a plan?

10:05 p.m. on Saturday, January 28, 2006:

this is starting to get annoying.

i need to read lord of the flies. pah.
there's a potential U4-U2 hook up tomorrow at Bloodroot. I hope everyone wants to go.
(questions for nationals are really interesting. I can't wait to get started!)
caroline and i washed all of the dinner dishes tonight while dancing around and singing. i like her being home.
i'm not going to church tonight. or tomorrow. hah!
i woke up at noon today! i haven't slept that late in years. but sure enough i rolled over, looked at the clock and it was 12:07. i don't think i really did anything today. actually, i don't remember the day at all. oh well. there are plenty more coming.

02:43 p.m. on Saturday, January 28, 2006:

THEY QUOTED AMKIL REED AMAR!!!! i'm excited. i'm bicening. screw a break in the action. CRAP! i have to do yearbook. whatever. i'll do it later. nationals!!!

06:51 p.m. on Friday, January 27, 2006:

i dont know why i didn't blog this earlier:
WE WON!
yeah, um, what can i say other than WE ROCK! and WE'RE GOING TO WASHINGTON! yeyah! take that other sucky schools in connecicut!

06:04 a.m. on Friday, January 27, 2006:

can you believe it's here already? i remember a month ago thinking - we've got plenty of time! it's in january! that's so far away! and now - it's today! if we don't kick butt today then the world will be turned on its head. we rock. i hope everyone knows that. and we will, we will rock YOU!

10:59 p.m. on Wednesday, January 25, 2006:

so apparently two teams who were going to states cant make it because their midterm schedules got changed by a snow day. and apparently they're going the 3rd. what the hell is going on? i feel like we'd be better off if we went friday. (one hour until tomorrow!) i'm so pumped to kick ass this friday. man! what's going on!!!???!!!

anyway. i still haven't really started studying for chemistry. brian sent me mike's review thing. i'll look at it later. maybe tomorrow morning. i need a shower. man. i suck at midterms this year.

02:44 p.m. on Wednesday, January 25, 2006:

after margonis yelled at everybody, i asked him how we did - because we fit the time range. he said we rocked! he said if we did the same thing we did today and what we've been doing all year, we'll rock! i think i needed to hear that. today went really well. i'm really proud of our unit.

06:50 a.m. on Tuesday, January 24, 2006:

i am so tired. when do midterms start? eight? okay. i didn't really study as much as i should have. i think i'll get dressed and then study a little more. sounds like a plan.

08:01 p.m. on Monday, January 23, 2006:

i have to appologize for being a bitter soul this past week, but i'm really stressed out. and!!!!!!! something's making me really angry. it will pass so i'm not going to bother really talking about it right out. maybe that's why i'm so grumpy. anyway. off to study math.

07:54 p.m. on Monday, January 23, 2006:

i am exhausted. i'm just now starting studying for calc. i hate midterms. check out my last few entries. this and states have really made me into a sour person.

05:11 a.m. on Monday, January 23, 2006:

st. joe's is closed. i guess that means we're closed too. which really sucks. it's less than three inches! how can we not have school? hopefully st. joe's is just being an idiot and we can go.

10:01 p.m. on Sunday, January 22, 2006:

i think it's all of the things i still want to look up, but i feel really unprepared for states. even after we were called solid! i want to look up south africa and germany! i want to look up disenfranchisement policies in other countries! i want to memorize fifty more cases and ten more quotes! there just isn't time. and that makes me nervous.

01:18 p.m. on Sunday, January 22, 2006:

i'm exhausted. i think i'll take a nap before the unit meeting. then i need to find my cards. i have no idea where they are. oh well.

10:44 p.m. on Saturday, January 21, 2006:

i'm choosing not to read an article entitled, "Street Performers and the Social Contract." if we get asked at states how the social contract applies to street performers, i'm applogizing in advance for not being prepared for that question.

08:44 p.m. on Saturday, January 21, 2006:

could there be a better quote in the world? lincoln! holy crap! but i can't post it. if any of those greenwich kids found it... oh man. how can anyone debate this?

05:14 p.m. on Friday, January 20, 2006:

my shirt came!!!
after jamming up all the copiers today, we lost kenny's check. jeff spent about an hour looking for it and doing some recycle bin diving. we gave up and were laying on the floor of the auditorium when he rolls over and says, "found it!" it was right there.
i'm going to chaperone a dance tonight at the middle school! it's fiftie's themed. i think i'm going to stay in my little sailor outfit.

09:59 p.m. on Thursday, January 19, 2006:

i just want to say that
WE ROCKED!
evening with the experts was increadible. we rocked every table. i am so excited for states! with a performance like tonight, i think we'll blow greenwich out of the water!
i'm so excited that i can't concentrate on all of the homework i have yet to start.
english paper, math homework (which i'm not planning on doing tonight...or ever), a chem test, an italian test and i think that's it. but i think for now i'm going to goof off for an hour or so and then start chem.

ps. WE ROCK!!!!

06:56 a.m. on Wednesday, January 18, 2006:

something about today makes me want to stay at home and sleep. but i'm excited about english. that should be really fun. i don't have to walk this morning. i suppose that's my motivation for going. and perhaps that i have to go anyway. unit meeting tonight! that's another reason i need to go. and. i'm sure there are others about getting a good education and income differences between someone who graduated high school and went on to college and someone who stopped going january 18th of their senior year. oh well.

11:40 p.m. on Tuesday, January 17, 2006:

aurora has kept me up way later than my bed time cavorting with all sorts of fantasy creatures. jerk! we really need lives aurora. if you were wondering.

10:15 p.m. on Tuesday, January 17, 2006:

I missed Gilmore Girls again! This time I had a legitamite reason for missing it though -- Board meeting. I'll call Caroline and make her recap the episode for me.

There is no organic milk because of the lact of organic farmers.

I love this show! Well, the songs are really stuck in my head, but that's good! Right?

TEN DAYS!!

06:43 a.m. on Tuesday, January 17, 2006:

apparently we're getting counters, a sink and a working dishwasher today! which means! i don't have to wash dishes in my bathroom anymore!
something really big just crashed into my door.
i can't remember which paragraph is my second one in paper 2. i thought it was the last one, but i've got the last one in paper 3. and i know i have two because i only have one in paper 1. crazy!

10:57 p.m. on Monday, January 16, 2006:

it's official. i am the worst typer. EVER. i used to be really good. i mean, when i'm typing a paper or something, and usually typing this, i make hardly any mistakes. but, for some reason, when i'm talking to aurora online, i say ridiculous things. like, "i'm really dyper." instead of hyper. and then we laugh like third grade boys because i'm an idiot.

10:13 p.m. on Monday, January 16, 2006:

wow. 24 was good. mmmaaaannn.

07:00 p.m. on Monday, January 16, 2006:

WOAH! i just tried to go to gmail to check my email, and i typed in the 'gm' and then clicked the url that pops up under the address bar and all of the sudden i'm at mcdonalds.com. what the hell?

06:57 p.m. on Monday, January 16, 2006:

i haven't started any of my homework. i watched the 24 marathon today instead. it's on again in an hour. maybe i'll do my homework during the comercials.
i got a hair cut today. i don't think i like it. but, i don't think i've ever liked a hair cut. it just feels weird.
anyway.
my shirt still isn't here. pah.

09:09 p.m. on Sunday, January 15, 2006:

jess got her shirt yesterday. and mine's not here yet! pah. i should call caroline. i need a court case. margonis is not helping.

10:11 a.m. on Saturday, January 14, 2006:

i am really in a bicen mood. but i'm really tired. i think i'm going to fall asleep at the unit meeting.

i had a really good dream last night. well, it started off really badly. there was yelling. something about a moldy pillow. i'm not quite sure. so i ran away, and i guess we lived in jamaica because that's where i was when i was running. and i was following these big bright arrows which i thought lead to a beach, and i ended up in a lingerie store. that was weird. so i left there and went into a restaurant where (drum roll!) heath ledger was working. so i was lost and i was asking him where i was, and he leads me out side, and we're right next to a river. i think i jumped in. i might have fallen, but i think i jumped. anyway, he rescued me and we went to another restaurant—more of a café--where we met up with chris boyd. then heath went to the bathroom and i think beat up someone. i don't really remember. anyway. we left. i don't remember what happened to chris boyd. anyway. unit meeting!!!

08:29 p.m. on Friday, January 13, 2006:

okay, and another thing. i always thought that my parents could make a point. (forgive me for having two entries in a row about how irritating my parents are. normally when i read other people's entries about how they dislike their parents i get irritated simply because no one likes their parents. but really. this is ridiculous) it turns out they cant. i think bicen actually brought this out. because now i realize that what they say, either when they are yelling or when they are "reasoning with me" makes no sense! this urks me to no end. my mother was being really annoying, so i came upstairs so i wouldn't have to deal with them. my dad just came upstairs and asked if i was okay. and i said yes, i'm okay. (already getting irritated) and then UGH! i can't even talk about it.

08:21 p.m. on Friday, January 13, 2006:

Tristan and Isolde openned today. I just finished watching the brother's grimm. it was really really cool!!!!!!! of course my mom made her usual "it was stupid" comments. and then started yelling at me for "wasting time watching a movie." right. for some reason my parents are really angry this week. since caroline's back at college, i feel like every few hours they get really ridiculous and start yelling at me. i really need to get out of my house. it's been, what? three hours since i've been home from school and i already want to go back to school. i can't wait until college.

unit meeting tomorrow!! i have to see if i can get a ride.

11:11 a.m. on Wednesday, January 11, 2006:

will just called my house and asked me how i was feeling and if i needed anything. mm! i slept all morning, did some bicen court case studying and actually just woke back up when my phone rang. okay. back to work!

08:21 p.m. on Tuesday, January 10, 2006:

i am whipped. i just took a two hour nap and i feel like i actually lost sleep. this court case test is stressing me out because i don't have enough time to study. tomorrow no musical! ugh. i can't believe it's here already! i'm not ready for the musical yet! i don't have time to start running something else. i am over-tired. i really need to sleep more. that's the thing! i do sleep! not as much as i would like to, but i sleep! and yet my day is so full i'm still tired every morning. anyway . i'm going to do my homework and make flashcards for my court cases.

09:03 p.m. on Sunday, January 8, 2006:

homegrownunknown (8:59:44 PM): i know a locke quote!
homegrownunknown (9:00:42 PM): whenever the legislators endevour to take away and destroy the property of the people or reduce them to slavery under abitrary power they put themselves into a state of war with the people who are thereupon absolved from any further obedience
homegrownunknown (9:00:45 PM): yeyeah
carolineesque (9:00:52 PM): okay
carolineesque (9:00:58 PM): rockin', grace
homegrownunknown (9:01:03 PM): now that i've accomplished so very very much, i'm going to bed
homegrownunknown (9:01:05 PM): i know!
carolineesque (9:01:05 PM): i'm glad you know how to party even when i'm back at school
homegrownunknown (9:01:06 PM): i'm excited
carolineesque (9:01:10 PM): I want to go to bed
carolineesque (9:01:11 PM): i sleepy
carolineesque (9:01:12 PM): but
homegrownunknown (9:01:13 PM): me too
carolineesque (9:01:14 PM): no claire
carolineesque (9:01:15 PM): and no renhen
carolineesque (9:01:17 PM): POUT
homegrownunknown (9:01:18 PM): oh
carolineesque (9:01:21 PM): john
homegrownunknown (9:01:23 PM): so you're staying up for them?
carolineesque (9:01:23 PM): i'm only dancing
carolineesque (9:01:27 PM): yeah yeah
homegrownunknown (9:01:27 PM): john?
carolineesque (9:01:33 PM): it turns me on
homegrownunknown (9:01:34 PM): what are you talking about?
carolineesque (9:01:35 PM): don't get me wrong
homegrownunknown (9:01:36 PM): what?
carolineesque (9:01:38 PM): i'm only dancing!
carolineesque (9:01:41 PM): the song?
homegrownunknown (9:01:46 PM): john locke?
homegrownunknown (9:01:49 PM): what's going on?
carolineesque (9:01:51 PM): haha no
carolineesque (9:01:53 PM): the bowie song
carolineesque (9:01:58 PM): "john, i'm only dancing"
homegrownunknown (9:02:00 PM): whatever.
carolineesque (9:02:01 PM): i thought it was appropriate
carolineesque (9:02:05 PM): since you're talking about john locke
carolineesque (9:02:11 PM): now when you go to recite tomorrow
carolineesque (9:02:15 PM): instead you'll say
carolineesque (9:02:18 PM): "i'm only dancing"
carolineesque (9:02:22 PM): everyone will laugh at you
carolineesque (9:02:26 PM): and POINT
carolineesque (9:02:27 PM): okay go
carolineesque (9:02:28 PM): git
homegrownunknown (9:02:29 PM): thanks
carolineesque (9:02:31 PM): enough of you
carolineesque (9:02:33 PM): no problem, yo

i'm really going to say that now. jerk.

07:35 p.m. on Sunday, January 8, 2006:

court cases. are. done. for me anyway. and quote is being memorized. as we listen to seussical. auditions are tomorrow. i'm excited for bicen tomorrow.

09:35 p.m. on Thursday, January 5, 2006:

"Gracie has such nice handwritting. When you look at it, it sings."
http://www.trainupachild.com/
i have a really bad stomach ache.
i'm looking up biblical biographies - thus the link - and i feel like i don't really know anyone they're talking about. when i have free time, maybe this summer, i'm going to read the bible.

11:05 a.m. on Tuesday, January 3, 2006:

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Bring back disco. Get your resolution here

07:37 a.m. on Tuesday, January 3, 2006:

I had a really weird dream last night. We we putting on a huge concert. And the musical was the same night. But my mother and Mrs. Cohen (my elementary school orchestra teacher) were forcing me to play first chair viola-even though i hadn't ever seen the music and hadn't played in two years. So i was told where my viola was and I went into the choir room to get it. But! the concert was about to start, so i got up from the stage (we were behind the curtain) and told my stand partner (dave cho...but he plays the cello!) i might not make it back in time. so we had a gap in the seating. i found josephine benevedes (rememeber her?) who was playing the tamborine and told her to sit in my seat. So i went to get my instrument and I couldn't find it. I think on my way to find it I spilled something really important. Anyway. I found these seventh grade girls hovering around a bucket full of violas. Apparently they had just been dumped there. So my viola was in there (my beautiful 200 year old viola! thrown in with those stupid plastic-like ones that seventh graders play)So i grabbed that and asked if my shoulder rest was in there - it was and then couldn't find my bow in a heap of bows that looked like they had been partially de-haired. i remember i kept telling them it was the green one. so i found one that looked like a normal bow but had a green plastic lining around it and took that one. i think that was the end of the dream. it was weird becase
a) josephine benevedes was in it
b)nothing really happened
c)i can't remember a lot of it and i usually remember all of my dreams
d)that green bow was really strange
e)and! mrs. cohen! I haven't thought about her in years!
anyway. i'm going to go enjoy my day off.

07:15 a.m. on Tuesday, January 3, 2006:

how on earth did we manage another day off?

06:44 p.m. on Monday, January 2, 2006:

so my mom is back in the hospital - second to last time. and i guess i fell asleep in her bed with her in it and a nurse came in and asked me what grade i was in and guessed seventh grade. right. that's what - five years off. right-o. (grrrr aurora i have that song stuck in my head...people are just people song.) okay. i have chem homework and need to take a shower. but other than that i'm good for tomorrow. i didn't do my court cases or my english project. but those are due next week.

"What's that stuff you're eating? It looks like Meow Mix."
"Cheerios! Breakfast of Chamiopns! Or is that Froot Loops?"
"Oh, brother! You're in big trouble. Cheerios are wrong, wrong wrong! Sugar. It's got sugar in it. Sugar is bad for you. You pump sugar into your blood. Your body has to counterattack with insulin. That drives down your blood sugar and so you get hungry before your eleven o'clock class. It's bad! Salt. Cheerios has more salt per ounce than potato chips. Salt is bad for you, It gives you high blood pressure. Would you pour milk on a bowl of potato chips and eat it for breakfast? Give me a break! You know, don't you, how the United States uses sugar to oppress third-world nations? It buys sugar at inflated prices from giant plantations. It's a bribe. It guarantees the power and wealth of the ruling class while discouraging industrialization. Those countries then sell us their raw materials cheap and buy our products, They might as well be colonies. That's why they hate us. Even after the revolution. They seize our emassies, they support terrorists, and they call us the great Satan. Please don't eat Cheerios. They also have this real dumb shape."

11:41 a.m. on Monday, January 2, 2006:

it took me an hour this morning to read fences. i really wish i could get that hour back. that was a wasted hour of my life.

12:26 a.m. on Monday, January 2, 2006:

i feel like i have school tomorrow. i'm not prepared. despite the vacation off from school i have done no homework. i need to read a book. and chapter eleven. and fix paper three. and have my unit not fall apart over the change on paper three. because i'm afraid it might. my eyes are tired. and i've had the worst cold for about a day. maybe a day and a half. i've stopped sneezing. and no longer have to drag a box of tissues around with me. but my throat kills.
by the way. why can i stay up to midnight tonight but not last night? well. i guess this is the last day of vacation then. it's the second. i start drivers ed tomorrow. i really don't want to go. i have a deadline friday. i guess it's time to get stressed out again. i just wish i had more time to relax. i feel like i spent all vacation doing bicen. (i also feel like i am the only person who worked on bicen) and that i haven't had time to just chill out.

10:33 p.m. on Sunday, January 1, 2006:

UGH! I HATE PEOPLE! REALLY. I'M IRRITATED. I want sources you see. I need a quote. just one god damned quote. and i can't find it. why? beceause no one ever makes an argument anymore. you read and read and read about how other arguments are wrong, and how they couldn't possibly be right or that whoever wrote it was clearly on acid and doesn't know anything. but no one ever offers the true solution. the real answer. it isn't there. and not to get totally side-tracked here because i'm talking about bicen research, but that's my qualm with democrats. not all mind you, and yes, i suppose if i had to pick a party that would be it. although i'm politically conservative. i'm really liberal socially. and most hot-button issues i'm left wing on. but democrats always say that what republicans are doing is crazy and that they're bible reading idiots who would be better off bagging groceries. or that they're war-hungry, blood-thirsty asswholes who don't care about the way government is supposed to work. but where are the solutions i ask you! they say republicans are wrong about everything yet hardly ever give solutions! they stand for pulling out of the war, but if we pull, we ruin that country. we've been there too long to just pull out. we can't leave now, we're involved. AND! i'm sick of voting. i really am. to quote a completely irrelivant piece of literature (actually caroline's logic book) and an argument that simply makes me feel good to post,
"What's so terrific about democracy? In a democracy, the people choose, but they make terrible choices. They get freedom in the Balkans and the first thing they do is start shooting eachother. They get the vote in Iraq and they have a civil war. We have democracy, right? Well, how great is that? We don't protect the environment, our schools are rotten, and we're in debt up to our eyeballs. If democracy is so wonderufl, how come only 23 percent of the people vote here?"
You try to cut in. "But democracy has made us the most powerful, the most envied..." but she runs right over you!
"Oh brother. We're powerful and envied because we're rich, not because of our campaign comercials. And all we do is abuse that power. And anyhow, we don't really have democracy. You know about Washington, D.C.? One of the biggest cities in the country and they don't have self-government or represtentation in Congress. Why? Because it's a black city and we're all racists. Look at all the democracies in South America: all bankrupt. The only country down there with its act together is Chile, and it took a dictator, Pinochet, to put it on the road to recovery. You know what H.L. Mencken said? He called democracy the form of government that believes that the people know what they want and they deserve to get it--good and hard!"
[editor's note: it would be kinder to draw a veil over the remainder of this quite lengthy, not to say rambling, item, which was the last one being worked on this evening before my unfortunate bicen-research-related hysteria-breakdown. letters of encouragement, quatities of white chocolate and negotiable bills of exchange may be sent to me by wellwishers, who are asked, however, in the interests of my ultimaet recovery, not to include their own feeble attempts to rectify the situation or lousy jokes (which i'm also really sick of) in any letters. thank you.]

11:41 a.m. on Saturday, December 31, 2005:

so aurora and i totally just changed our third paper's position. oops.

09:34 a.m. on Friday, December 30, 2005:

wouldn't it be awesome if you looked out your bedroom window and saw a shark flopping around on your lawn?

05:56 p.m. on Thursday, December 29, 2005:

you are home. and you haven't blogged. granted you've sent me two emails. BUT. if you want me to be unproductive for another ten minutes you need to blog. otherwise i might wander into a patch of motivated action. and get something done! we wouldn't want that, now would we? it's your job to entertain me, you know. and, now that i have energy, i'm not just going to watch tv or take a nap. i might actually do something productive. you must save me. the task is yours. are you strong enough? can you handle it?

by the way, what's the link to the dinosaur comic strip?

05:38 p.m. on Thursday, December 29, 2005:

actually, i will tell you more: we have no salad things. this upsets me so. why? why you ask? BECAUSE THAT'S THE TRUTH TABLE FOR DISJUNCTION, DAMNIT! not exactly. it's exactly this: i want salad. we have broccoli and mushrooms. we have no water downstairs (no sinks) so i'm going to go wash my broccoli and mushrooms and put them in a plastic cup and eat them for dinner. muck. muck. muckity muck. i am an angry bear. and a hungry bear. and a sad bear. i want my salad things.

05:32 p.m. on Thursday, December 29, 2005:

I'm in no mood to tell you what i've been up to. so i'm copying my email to aurora:
we need our third paper. i'm up for a bicen meeting too. we should meet. i have to go to the bathroom. i just spent four hours watching the west wing. that was not productive. i need to finish cleaning my room. margonis is growing a beard by the way. i saw him today. he bought a new desk calendar. he was excited.

very exciting, eh?

07:23 a.m. on Thursday, December 29, 2005:

i have a really bad headache.
i have to go to yearbook.
muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
i do not want to go.
i need a nap.

02:16 p.m. on Wednesday, December 28, 2005:

alice says she needs a man. new years she's going out dancing. i want to go dancing on new years when i'm ninty five!
bah. i feel totally worthless. i haven't gotten anything done on break. well, one is done. but two is not. and three really is not. and i lost my court cases. so i can't study that. and i don't want to read fences. i spent all day yestderday redecorating and today i'm cleaning out my dresser.
our cabinets are here! they're really nice.
i can't wait until it's done.
tomorrow is yearbook. i'm not ready to go back to yearbook. baahhhhhhh.
i want to see memoirs of a geisha.
and. take a nap.
hmm.
i suppose i should finish cleaning my room first.

08:05 p.m. on Monday, December 26, 2005:

UUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
calgon take me away

i'm going to bed. not because i'm tired, but because perhaps if i'm asleep, my family will finally leave me alone. this is ridiculous. this is why i like school and why i never leave. because i hate being at home.

04:21 p.m. on Monday, December 26, 2005:

look what happened! i was cleaning. and then had to blog. and then started reading other peoples blogs and haven't gotten up since. this is annoying. and i need to find a poster to go over my computer.

04:00 p.m. on Monday, December 26, 2005:

i hate days that you want to go well, and you feel like should go well, but then your family ruins it. they are all, for some reason or another, in bad moods. and of course. this is all my fault. i took it upon myself to avoid my family by cleaning my room. it's going very slowly. and i should really do some homework. but, alas. my room must get cleaned. and i suppose i can do my homework tomorrow.

07:56 p.m. on Saturday, December 24, 2005:

patrick lane talked to me! and he knows my name!
what a merry christmas it is.

my presents are wrapped.
tomorrow caroline and i are going to sew up all of the holes in the socks in our house.
sounds like a plan.
merry christmas!

03:19 p.m. on Saturday, December 24, 2005:

days off are bizzare. i woke up this morning to my cat screaming. my dad was taking him to the vet. so i threw on some pants and hopped in the car and we went to the vet. tux proceeded to knock what's left of his nose off. so ralf fixed him up and killed the flesh-eating bacteria off his face and told us that it will eventually eat away his entire face. nice. nice news. okay. anyway. tux is now lounging around. i think he's tired. my mother is wearing the ugliest poncho i've ever seen. i hate ponchos. this one is black. with fringe. and multi-colored music notes. where does she aquire these things? tonight we're going to church. and my dad's coming! caroline hates our third paper. i guess it really is garbage. and we made mini cakes. and dusted the dining room. and the siding men came and fixed the back door siding. and i'm clean! and. last night caroline and i watched love actually. and ate doritos. (ooh, doritos, can i have one?) today. i haven't eaten anything. and my mother doesn't feel well at all today. bleh. i'm going downstairs to socialize. and maybe wrap some presents.

06:54 p.m. on Thursday, December 22, 2005:

all this food is making me weird.
at least i haven't eaten any root vegetables either.
i made that one up.
i thought it was funny.
jeeze.
would it be better to be ready to go on a picnic, with your heart set on it only to find there's absolutley no room anywhere-not even to open up your basket or leave, or to get there and find people panicking and running about, often stealing or ruining your food?
where does that come from anyway, "I almost fell off my penny farthing?"
if you ask me, it's gravity that gets 'em every time.
that and motion sickness.
little bicycles,
close to the ground,
are much better.
but then there's balancing invovled.
my diet is not balanced.
what does that mean anyway?
that i have the same amount of food on one side than the other?
i fulfill that requirement.
a slice of cake in each hand?
bring on the cake!
came the cries from below.
is it weeble or weevle?
let's assume is weeble.
if weeble's are mentally balanced and in times of stress, you think you've turned into a weeble, are you mentally stable?
how do weeble's handle pressure?
apparently they wobble but don't fall down
their pressure sensitivity is never described, though.
perhaps it has to do with temperature.
273 K?
or 298 K?
and if they are large weebles.
fat.
that would factor into it, i suppose.
i think it was weevil. weevle? no. weevil.
right?
they live in cotton.
and...eat it
or something.
clearly i'm not up on what weevils do in their spare time.
remember the closed off room question?
the one with the maniquin?
i have one similarly related.
well, in question type.
not subject matter.
if you had to research a pointless topic, what would you look up?
you know; on those no-news days there's an article about the formula for how to cook the perfect donut, or how axe body spray helps mice in negotiating mazes.
something that will answer questions that mankind has forever been totally unconcerned about.
i had this conversation with jon. he didn't have any good ideas.
here's what was said:
homegrownunknown (7:16:31 PM): personally
homegrownunknown (7:17:00 PM): i'd like to see some research done into the creation of solar-powered artificially intelligent motorised road cones that group themselves automatically around holes in the road
homegrownunknown (7:17:05 PM): that'd be pretty cool
homegrownunknown (7:17:17 PM): they'd have to be attracted to vibration, i guess. eg road works
homegrownunknown (7:17:24 PM): and they'd have to like being near holes
homegrownunknown (7:17:41 PM): i suppose we'd have to code in some tactices to stop them from jumping down holes like lemmings
homegrownunknown (7:17:46 PM): and wandering off into traffic
homegrownunknown (7:17:49 PM): and flocking
homegrownunknown (7:17:56 PM): that'd create some traffic back up
homegrownunknown (7:18:05 PM): they'd have to enjoy the company of other road cones
homegrownunknown (7:18:15 PM): and wander off when the roadworks have finished
homegrownunknown (7:18:39 PM): that'd be pretty cool
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:18:42 PM): whats the opposite of inadvertently
homegrownunknown (7:19:00 PM): on purpose
homegrownunknown (7:19:02 PM): fully
homegrownunknown (7:19:08 PM): purposefully
homegrownunknown (7:19:11 PM): how do you spell that?
homegrownunknown (7:19:16 PM): whatever
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:19:19 PM): no no
homegrownunknown (7:19:20 PM): today is not a spelling day
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:19:26 PM): Ms. Gracie doesnt know how to spell a word
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:19:34 PM): Everyday is a spelling day
homegrownunknown (7:19:40 PM): wouldn't it be cool if the berlin wall was really a big hoax
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:19:42 PM): even if you feel like jumping out of a window
homegrownunknown (7:19:44 PM): foisted on us by some wacko
homegrownunknown (7:19:51 PM): that relied on fake pictures
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:19:51 PM): what
homegrownunknown (7:20:02 PM): false testimonies and shifty statistics
homegrownunknown (7:20:13 PM): that would be cool too
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:20:26 PM): um
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:20:32 PM): Funny...idk
homegrownunknown (7:20:40 PM): or! that the x files was really written by aliens
homegrownunknown (7:20:48 PM): coercing us to believe in conspiracies
homegrownunknown (7:20:55 PM): and then when faced with one reject it
homegrownunknown (7:21:00 PM): so they could take over the world
homegrownunknown (7:21:18 PM): or if you saw something
homegrownunknown (7:21:20 PM): and brought it up
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:21:21 PM): Yeah...and the goverment is out to get you and mice rule the world
homegrownunknown (7:21:33 PM): someone would say, "don't be dumb, you've been watching x files too long"
homegrownunknown (7:21:38 PM): and no one would believe you
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:21:54 PM): don't be dumb, you've been watching x files too long
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:22:02 PM): =)
homegrownunknown (7:22:13 PM): i don't watch the x files
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:22:31 PM): Well if you did
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:22:36 PM): then
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:22:45 PM): um
AnTaRcTiC CoW (7:22:52 PM): idk
and here we are.
i haven't started my bicen thing.
i don't want to do it.
i'm thinking of instituting new driving laws that force kids to go through much longer and much more interactive drivers education before being allowed their liscences. because. 14 percent of all car accidents that result in death are caused by teenagers. and 45 percent of those are when the kid is following all driving laws. ie wearing a seatbelt and not having too many or the wrong kind of passengers. clearly, it's lack of experience. and no one pays attention in drivers ed anyway.
i'm in a something corporate mood.
woah oh ohohoh, we're twenty one and invincable.
not really.
four years short.
anyway. i'm going to go procrastinate.
and not do anything productive.

06:46 p.m. on Thursday, December 22, 2005:

what is up with me this week? i'm always hungry! and i'm eating way too much. well, way more than anyone should. my dad says it's good that i can't get full this week. (maybe i need some taco bell) for dinner, and i didn't even feel that hungry, i've eaten a large eggdrop soup (all by myself) a large eggdrop soup container full of spagetti and about half a box of dry cherrios. I'm working my way down through this box, and I'm just as hungry as when I started. Maybe I'm eating subtraction stew. atleast i haven't gotten to the division dumplings yet.

06:14 p.m. on Thursday, December 22, 2005:

I'd rather dance with you than talk with you
So why don't we just move into the other room
There's space for us to shake, and hey, I like this tune

Even if I could hear what you said
I doubt my reply would be interesting for you to hear
Because I haven't read a single book all year
And the only film I saw, I didn't like it at all

I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you

The music's too loud and the noise from the crowd
Increases the chance of misinterpretation
So let your hips do the talking
I'll make you laugh by acting like the guy who sings
And you'll make me smile by really getting into the swing
Getting into the swing, getting into the swing

I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance with you
I'd rather dance with you

05:13 p.m. on Thursday, December 22, 2005:

I am a fountain! As good luck would have it, an illness is afoot. A daughter to Cayer has become host to such a vile parasite! Though this in direct course is not cause for celebration, it held captive my instructor. Though 'tis high time for an examination of wit and the fruit of the mind (yet, i, myself am prest not for such an event), today was not the one to procure such devistation and darkness to my otherwise brilliant skies. perhaps tomorrow will bring the same good fortune.

06:23 a.m. on Thursday, December 22, 2005:



The results of your analysis say:
You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.
You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones.
You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present.
You are not very reserved, impatient, self-confident and fond of action.
You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.

05:53 a.m. on Thursday, December 22, 2005:

i feel accomplished. and exhausted. and today is yet another day.

07:53 p.m. on Wednesday, December 21, 2005:

despite the ridiculous amount of homework i have. i'm in a good mood. and i have the "joyful joyful lord we adore thee" song stuck in my head. i like this:

If I were with you now, I'd hug you and tender you and shape you with sloppy wet kisses the way mother cats shape their cubs in the wild. Unfortunately since suich excursions are strictly prohibited, this tongue of ink will have to do. Felicities my felix feline boy...

07:43 p.m. on Wednesday, December 21, 2005:

caroline has gangreen.
my mother's impossible
i'm tired.
and still hungry! after second dinner!
and cold
and apparently in the mood to complain.
baaaahhh
they sell leg-squeezers in the mall.
for overall health.
you should squeeze your legs
anyway. must read.
or sleep.
or study for chem.
or drop out of school.

06:54 p.m. on Wednesday, December 21, 2005:

summary of my day:
mike wants to drop bicen.
i almost got beat up at the mall.
******** is pregnant.
the pizza was really good today.
picture's aren't proportional. this makes me angry.
when is our bicen paper due?
it's cold in my house.
i have way too much homework to do.
i think my dad got me the same christmas present i got him.
i speak jive.
la leca leca
i littered today.
and drove.
caroline drove too.
it was scary.
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR YOUR FRIVOLITY!
cousin cayer is kind of cute.
i think.
i can't believe mike wants to drop bicen.
people on acid. jerks
even so.
we can't disenfranchise them
it's still cold.
howard johnson is right!
anyway. i have way too much homework to do tonight. so i suppose i'll get started.
idiot.

04:39 p.m. on Tuesday, December 20, 2005:

bono just sent me an email.

speaking of bono, there's a character in our new book fences named bono. i think i'm going to hate this book.

06:44 a.m. on Monday, December 19, 2005:

i don't really have time to blog, but since i haven't in a while, i figured i would update to prove i'm still alive.
saturday: my mother woke me up at around eleven for no apparent reason. i think she just needed something to do. so i went down stairs and ate two pieces of bacon and then made a bacon egg and cheese. then, i went back to sleep. and slept until four thirty. when i woke up and realized i had to be at church by three to practice our RE play. oh well. go downstairs. plop infront of the tv. fall alseep until seven. eat dinner. go to bed.
it was a pretty productive day.

sunday: wake up at about eight. go to church by 9:30 to work on RE play. start church. announce i got into skidmore. recieve a round of applause (hey hey! i feel cool). present play.

this message has been interupted by 33 hours and 52 minutes.
meaning. i have no idea what i was talking about.
but i'm going to a unit meeting. and since then...caroline came home. and, i broke a rib. and. i went to the eye doctors. and my eyes got worse. and. i got chicken nuggets. so. bicen. right.

11:19 p.m. on Friday, December 16, 2005:

oh. and by the way - my dresser is apparently worth $12,000. the man who re-upolstered my mother's settee (is that how it's spelled?) was running around our house today figuring out how much everything was worth. the couch he re-did was like, $3000 but when he saw my dresser he got really excited and said, "this is a chipendale!" to which my father responded, "grace! how many times have i told you you can't keep male exotic dancers in your room!" then the man was scurrying about trying to figure out whether or not it was french or american. turns out it's american which apparently is much better than the french version and he said it would easily fetch $12000 or more. huh. well. i guess it's okay. it holds clothes. and. a lamp.

11:14 p.m. on Friday, December 16, 2005:

ben brown's pants came off. that was amazing!

i swear, every dance! really. let's go. erm. bathroom? water? whatever. let's get out of here!

i learned a new macarena AND made up a dance that was really fun for the songs we didn't feel like dancing to. wow. i was not feeling socialable when i got there. but. oh man was that fun. let's do it again! (or not. i can wait until prom)

04:30 p.m. on Friday, December 16, 2005:

guess who came to visit? dustin and jason! i bumped into them right as they walked in ab stairwell. so they visited their teachers and then hung around in the yearbook office for an hour or so and drove me home. it's so nice to see them! you don't realize how much you miss last year's seniors until they come back and visit. they're exactly the same.

05:44 a.m. on Friday, December 16, 2005:

90 minute delay. nice.

08:20 p.m. on Thursday, December 15, 2005:

i know this is a trivial bit of information. and i'm not quite sure why i'm wasting the time to blog it, but
I GOT IN!
i'm going to college. the only way to show my excitement is to say, "EK ES IN MY KNOPPIES!"

07:17 p.m. on Wednesday, December 14, 2005:

surprise math test! wow. what a crummy start to the day. i'm sure i failed miserably. oh well. english was amazing. and i found myself a reward third period. so. bicen! oh man! finchy came in to talk to us. it was so cool. granted he didn't really answer any of the questions, simply said, "i don't know. that's a hard question. there's a lot of grey." (DUH! that's why we're asking you the question!) but it was a good time. and he called o'reilly a whore. and started yelling about dragons. and! emily found her front page story. hallelujiah! lunch mallory and i savored our sandwiches. was it me, or were the onions really good today? chemistry we did absolutley nothing. well. we did normal chem stuff. and italian we learned a new verb. io ho uno orologio. (i have a clock) anyway. eigth period? did we have eigth period today? oh yes! i cleaned out the e drive on trillium three. AND! we have these trippy backgrounds that aurora started making that are just a print screen of different yb programs running, so you think that there's a program open when there's not. b hates them because she's getting confused. i love them. and proofs are going out tomorrow!!!!!! yay.

07:08 a.m. on Wednesday, December 14, 2005:

you know the day's going to suck when you wake up at 7:02.

unit meeting was fun last night. we always end up on my bed talking! but - that's good bonding. and thatwas some serious bonding last night.

03:08 p.m. on Tuesday, December 13, 2005:

my mother's dead. just kidding!!! anyway. aurora and i found our reincarnation selves in some seagulls when we were walking home. anyway. unit meeting.!!!!!!!!! ps. killing your mother is wrong. don't smother them. or burn them either. it's not a good idea.

11:34 p.m. on Monday, December 12, 2005:

man am i tired. okay. q2 is good enough. it's actually looking pretty good. i couldn't remember a word that margonis had mentioned so the sentence ended up reading, "Therefore, citizens were not subject to seizure of liberties unless due process and equal protection were employed, powered by (margonis!)." whatever. i did all my homework! well, i have to re-write the english bit about aurora (which sucks by the way. i will not be the next jane austen. don't count on it) but that's it! i finished my italian, chem, math...i did it all. wow. i'm so proud of myself. anyway. i'm going to bed.

05:55 p.m. on Monday, December 12, 2005:

what was it today? we were so....happy! the movies were amazing. (WOAH OH OH OH OH THUNDER ROAD) I just emailed the skidmore woman back. i'm so excited. AND my grandmother sent me a letter with this kid's picture in it! (he's kinda cute, too!) so i'll bring it in tomorrow. I'm still not sure how to go about answering him if I ever get around to it. Anyway. off to shower. and bicen and jane austen. and calc. and...food.

06:27 a.m. on Monday, December 12, 2005:

i have a really bad headache. i do not want to go to school. i didn't finish reading for chemistry. i do not want to get out of my pajamas. meeerrrrrrrrr.

09:51 p.m. on Sunday, December 11, 2005:

how long has it been since i've posted that? couldn't be more than ten minutes. i've already had several people im me about songs with my name in it. i remember, maybe a week ago, aurora and i were complaining because our names are never in songs. well, as it turns out, my name is in at least ten songs. normally this wouldn't be exciting, except i've never heard a song with my name in it. there's the ben fold's song, which i've known about but never liked. properly entitled, "gracie." it's about his daughter, and no one likes that song anyway. but there's a bic runga song called gracie that i really like. and a john berry song that i don't like but has nice lyrics. (it's called power window's if you've nothing better to do but google lyrics) there are more, i've never heard them though - one by peter gallagher. there's a song called saints by denise frank that's really bizarre. and a song by someone named buck owen's. after that name i'm not sure that's worth pursuing. anyway, i thought you'd like to know. i'm in a song!

09:43 p.m. on Sunday, December 11, 2005:

who paid attention enough to realize my name is in an Ani diFranco song? i've heard this song a million times. i just never noticed before.

I know this bar
With a jukebox full of medicine
And christmas lights blinking
Around a clouded mirror
Its not that far
From Voelkers Bowling alley
Just go up there and turn right
Its about 3 blocks from here

You'll probably find Grace
Her shift starts at happy hour
She's got this sweet face
Easy as tea leaves to read
You gotta know what to look for
You gotta know what's there to find
But I guess you don't really know her
So nevermind
I used to hang out a lot around there
In that part of town
Where all the white kids
still have feathered hair

I know this song
With this one really killer line
I don't remember it exactly
But it slays me everytime
Its on the jukebox there
Number 5403
Go put that song on for me won't you
And make Gracie think of me

09:02 p.m. on Sunday, December 11, 2005:

i can't believe i forgot to mention this!
the phone rings.
a groggy gracie rolls over to notice it's three o'clock in the morning.
"what the hell."
walk over to the phone.
"hello?"
(thick italian accent) "WHERE ARE YOU?"
not being fully awake enough to inform this woman of her mistake, i naturally responded, "in my room."
to this i recieved an earful from this woman about how i'm a slut and shouldn't prance around all night.
hah. afterawhile i came to and remembered how to say she had dialed the wrong number. after i had informed her, there was a godd ten seconds of silence before she said
"oh"
and hung up.

after all the excitement i couldn't go to sleep, so i made myself a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. (and a glass of milk) and read until four. then i went to sleep.

i secretly hope she calls me back tonight. i'll be prepared.

07:03 p.m. on Sunday, December 11, 2005:

oh what bliss. i feel the need to blog every three minutes because of the extraordinary mood i am in. why? you ask? why such a good mood? to that, i say riddle me this, batman: why is west german spoken in central and southern germany?

06:58 p.m. on Sunday, December 11, 2005:

oh. and don't listen to aurora when she tells you straylight.com is a findlaw website.

06:57 p.m. on Sunday, December 11, 2005:

i have forgotten that something so trivial could make a person so happy. i have to go wash dishes now, which will most likely dampen my mood. but for now, i am the happiest person on earth.

on a side note: i haven't done any of my homework.

02:32 p.m. on Sunday, December 11, 2005:

i recommend drinking more milk and more water. you'll be better off. trust me.

you may be wondering, why did i bold the word "milk." i didn't. you're crazy.

02:16 p.m. on Sunday, December 11, 2005:

"your sentences cast spells."

i just realized that the postcard skidmore sent me has a greta garbo stamp on it.

this weekend has proved a waste. an absolute waste. i have done nothing. to rectify this, aurora (and maybe will later) is (are) coming over to bicen quickly.

no no no no no no you had to be a big shot, didn't you?

this is the worst play ever. really. who writes this? i think it's a little over the top. mentally disabled? COME ON!

anyway

can i marry billy joel? no. that's not legal. and i don't really know billy joel. but can i marry his music? that's not possible. what a dreary world we live in.

02:42 p.m. on Saturday, December 10, 2005:

mmm fritos

so the boy my grandmother wants to set me up with emailed me a few days ago. i have yet to respond.

narnia was actually pretty good. they added a lot to make it action-packed and made them old at the end (only to turn young again at the very end) jess was laughing because she said mr. tumnus was hitting on lucy. some kid thought we were in a rave and turned on a blinking light which was annoying. anyway. off to buy a christmas tree. and then bicen bicen bicen like there's no tomorrow.

08:45 p.m. on Friday, December 9, 2005:

i've had "streets of philidelphia" stuck in my head all day. yesterday it was "atlantic city." i haven't listen to either in awhile - maybe my mind is sending me messages.

06:03 p.m. on Friday, December 9, 2005:

everyone tell aurora to feel better!!!!!!!!!!!

05:20 p.m. on Thursday, December 8, 2005:

carolineesque (5:17:46 PM): GLORIA STEINEM TOUCHED MY ARM

05:04 p.m. on Thursday, December 8, 2005:

my shirt came!
proofs are almost finished!
the dance is not tomorrow!
i'm really nervous for states!
they're next month!
but i think we can do it!
cayer gave us too much homework!
(why am i typing like this?)!

anyway. it better snow tomorrow. i do not want to go to school. i want to sleep until nine and then do bicen all day long. who goes to school anyways?

10:30 p.m. on Tuesday, December 6, 2005:

my eyes are burning. i'm tired. i need a shower. i haven't eaten dinner yet. and i am not finished with my english essay. however. i am in a really nice mood. what a lovely treat. why? why oh why? but perhaps i should enjoy it. or realize that although this seemed like the worst day of my life (see entry number one for today) it was actually quite nice. i can picture this happening to caroline, but after that, no one else. just being content. and having that be entertaining. just sitting down smiling. for quite some time. it would be nice if it were school now. for now, i'm sitting here smiling about caroline and me sitting side by side smiling about trivial things that make us happy.

09:56 p.m. on Tuesday, December 6, 2005:

my mother is an english essay.

09:08 p.m. on Tuesday, December 6, 2005:

this is why i want to get out of trumbull high. this is why i'm going to hope i have professors as crazy as caroline's logic professors. because they say things like this:

"Suppose Aristotle is Hamlet's mother."
"You want to humiliate your parents regularly; it loosens them up."
"Because that's the truth table for disjunction, dammit!"
"As long as we remember that we can never go from P and ¬P to Q, then we're fine. It's safe when we do it logically, but since we can't do it in life, we're good. If we could, in life, go from P and ¬P to Q, I'd worry, because if we can go there, then we can go anyplace."
"Important to remember: never attempt delicate surgery with a chain saw."
"X doesn't necessarily love Y even if Y loves X. That's the sad predicament that makes country music possible."
"The chalk is mightier than the sword."
"Our universe is today!"
"If you can construct a Finite State Automaton for English, I guarantee you a Nobel Prize--and extra credit!"
"If you see something scary, panic! A light will come and Charlton Heston's voice will say 'Thou shalt use negation in, negation out!'"
"Don't just do stuff and give it names."
"I strongly advise against doing logic while you're on acid."
"I look for cuteness in logic; I don't care if it's really practical."
"Logic doesn't quite fit with the real world, so to hell with the real world! We can create new worlds! They're not real--so what! We have absolute power!"
"So donations are good..." "But what if you donate to the Nazi party?" "Or the Republicans!" "Same thing."
¬vanilla=chocolate

05:48 p.m. on Tuesday, December 6, 2005:

oh my goodness. my grandmother is trying to set me up with some boy she works with. apparently he's cute. this is what i know : she just called me from work to get my screen name/email to give to this kid. he's name is jonathan quell, he's a senior at staples. 5'10" and size 12 shoe. (apparently he wears nice shoes) okay. so. this is really ridiculous. someone save me from this bizarre world that i live in.

on another note - i have yet to start my english paper, but! i have finally figured out my stance on faulkner. he's right. i know a lot of people wrote that his acceptance speech and the book were contradicting, but it's not true. i just spent awhile talking to caroline about it, so i could talk out what i was going to say, and finally i realized that they did prevail! this is amazing. i have never been so excited to write an english paper in my life.

oh, i was going to post this yesterday, and i'm too lazy to put it in context, but aurora refered to what i was talking to her about as, "an orgasm in your mouth." right.

and. i just thought i'd say, that samiya is going crazy. and that..well, that's it. she's crazy. she was bouncing off the walls (literally) on our way to our lockers screaming, "AMERICA!!!!" long story. just know she's crazy.

and! musical starts in january. so says spillane. so. i'm excited. okay. i'm going to go write.

06:42 a.m. on Tuesday, December 6, 2005:

today is the worst day of my life.

03:02 a.m. on Tuesday, December 6, 2005:

hey, guess what sucks!
i figured i would go to bed early and then do my essay now. but, i really never got the essay topics. i thought i did, but that was just the essay topic for the in-class writing assignment. and, seeing as its three in the morning,no one's online and i can't call anyone.
we better have a snow day or else i'm really screwed.
and it hasn't snowed at all yet. so, that's either really good, and means it'll snow alot in the morning, or really bad and it wont snow at all.

11:00 p.m. on Sunday, December 4, 2005:

remember like, two hours ago when i said that i had a lot of homework to do and that i should get started. yeah. right. didn't do it. at least i have my office supplies!!!!!!!!!!! oh. aurora - when we're in college and your like two hours away from me, we should meet up and go to stores that sell ridiculously expensive paper and we can just walk around and pet the paper and envelopes. because. i think you're the only person that appreciates paper like that.

09:30 p.m. on Sunday, December 4, 2005:

398 ims recieved in exactly an hour. i feel...popular.

08:15 p.m. on Sunday, December 4, 2005:


asshole.

really.

you're an asshole.

that's all i wanted to say.

03:36 p.m. on Sunday, December 4, 2005:

i'm so glad it snowed.
i have so much to do - but i'm not doing any of it. i've spent the past two hours "cleaning." really just flitting around. and now i have to do homework - which i'm not going to get around to doing for another few hours.
my mother is driving me absolutley up the wall. rrrrrrrrrrrr. sometimes i wish you could just hit the mute button and walk away.
and i need a shower.
!!! oh!!! i'm excited- my bag is ripping so i figured instead of fixing it, i'd get a new one. and my binder broke on friday. so i went to staples and it was like getting ready for the first day of school all over again. i have a new backpack, binder, paper, pens. i'm so excited. i think that office supplies make me happier than they should.
the kids at church think i'm bad-ass by the way.

03:16 p.m. on Saturday, December 3, 2005:

unit meeting at 6:30 am = THE BEST IDEA EVER!
we got a ridiculous amount of work done this morning - all before 9:00! the bizarre thing is everything came out clearly. our brains seemed to work better that early. and we were having way too much fun! (and hey - we had a jousting match with sweedish dolls - who can top that?) so i'm SO confident in our unit right now that i feel like if states were tomorrow and we were asked question one, we'd be all over it like ducks on a pond.
DEADLINE! man. deadline took forever. i couldn't leave- there was no way. i didn't get home until 11:00. but our work is already paying off- we got proofs the other day for the first half of the senior section -they're beautiful. absolutley stunning. i think i will be in a good mood for the rest of my life after seeing that section. it's amazing.

remember, "The Union, next to our liberty, most dear."

10:42 p.m. on Thursday, December 1, 2005:

so. wow. school was a ridiculously good time tonight. wow wow wow. what the hell were we talking about? and why were we so hyper? and- stop teasing me. okay. i'm going to sleep. AND. that's it. i'm going to sleep. (GOD SAMIYA...why are you not there?)

08:21 p.m. on Wednesday, November 30, 2005:

That noise dane cook makes after his girlfriend turns out to be a man and says, "Oh yeah? I'm just like you!" is stuck in my head. I've been walking around for an hour going, "WAAOOAAAHHHH!" and sometimes muttering "just like you."

i just told caroline that the key to fetching a man was to memorize (i suggested using flashcards) brands of catfood.

ani's hurricane is really good. i haven't heard it in awhile. mmmmm. good music makes all the difference between an okay mood and a good mood and a great mood.

"when i think yearbook, i think sex music. don't you?"

eighth period has turned into nap time. two days straight i have slept on the yb couch eighth period. and it's nice. just to crash after school. i think i'll turn that into a nice tradition. eigth period naps.

i have to say, that Colin Meloy's version of "I've Changed My Plea To Guilty" is wonderful:
I'm standing in the dark

With my innocent hand on my heart
I've changed my plea

I've changed my plea to guilty
Because freedom is wasted on me

See how your rules spoil the game

Outside there is a pain
Emotional air raids exhausted my heart
And it's safer to be inside
So, I'm changing my plea
And no one can dissuade me
Because freedom was wasted on me
See how your rules spoil the game

Something I have learned
If there is one thing in life I've observed
It's that every body's got somebody
Ooh no, not me
So I've changed my plea to guilty
And reason and freedom is a waste
It's a lot like life

04:23 p.m. on Tuesday, November 29, 2005:

wow. could today have been a better day? of course it could have. but! it was a great day anyway. why? i don't know. maybe because i had fun in school today. because i swore at some kid in the lunch line and felt really badly about it. because tonight i'm doing student whatever with cayer. because aurora and i had a blast being crazy after school at yearbook. because i slept all the way through eighth period in the yearbook office. because unit three totally grilled us in bicen today and get to do it tomorrow. because i have no idea what's going on in chemistry. because i'm wearing green and green is a feel-good color. i don't know. yeah there were shitty parts of the day, but, nothing is perfect. i think we need to be happier as a whole. it was a great day. because.

06:57 a.m. on Tuesday, November 29, 2005:

so I actually remember some of my dream from last night. We were at church. well, Caroline and I were. and Zeke was sitting in our pew! anyway. There are these little holders infront of the seat with pencils and pamphlets about the church and how to become a member. Instead though, it was like a trough of cocaine. and people were taking their orders of service and turning them into little scoopers and taking the cocaine. Caroline leaned over to me (oh, Zeke was taking it too. I remember wondering if he did cocaine in the dream) and asked me for a program and I started yelling at her about the harmful effects of cocaine and how I couldn't believe she was a coke-head. All of the sudden we're in my living room which is five times the size it is normally. And it's a bicen party! So,most people from our class were there, but so was dave tanana, sara shapiro and laura henry. there were a few more old biceners but i don't remember who they were. Anyway, Senior Sevilla showed up and I remember yelling to him about Marbury v. Madison and the Judiciary Act. weird weird weird dream. and student secretaries tonight! nice! oh! yeah! and! i slept with my contacts in. i never do that! and then this morning one was totally out of wack so i left the left one in, but i had to use my back up contact, which is -1.50. Unfortunatly, I need a -2.00. Big difference.But better than nothing!

06:49 p.m. on Monday, November 28, 2005:

all bicen. all the time. one word=awesome.

06:03 a.m. on Monday, November 28, 2005:

Happy birthday William Blake!
This is going to be a long week. But tuesday and thursday nights will be fun, so, maybe I can last. I hope Cayer's in a better mood today. And hey! I got through all of Emma last night. Of course I'm too damn tired to remember any of it, just that it was long. And wordy. I took at least an hour on the first few chapters because I didn't want to miss anything. After awhile though, I sort-of lost interest. Sort-of.

08:02 p.m. on Sunday, November 27, 2005:

I almost forgot to say that I've got a new answering machine message.

07:53 p.m. on Sunday, November 27, 2005:

nú vaknar þú
allt virðist vera breytt
eg gægist út
en er svo ekki neitt

see how your rules spoil the game?

06:21 p.m. on Sunday, November 27, 2005:

Edit: after writing all of this and reading it again, it didn’t sound like me at all. It didn’t sound like something I would say. This is sort-of like the disclaimer we have before every church service – no one service can perfectly reflect the feelings of this congregation. Indeed. Well said. Just. Don’t read this. I’m not erasing it, or not entering it, but just don’t read it. I don't like it. I'm not reading it.


hah.


Today I went crazy and read.


I just want to say. That I'm sick and tired of people who need to validate their existences through the existence of someone else. I think this stems out of how irritated I am that people, including myself, tend to overanalyze things. Feel the need to get answers. Can't just let things happen one way or another. Or how most people, and this time, not me, think that if they haven't talked to someone in days or someone didn't wave to them in the hallway, then they automatically don't want to talk to them. Perhaps they have somewhere they need to go. Or perhaps they didn't see you. I also hate how people think that because someone talks to them, it means that they like them. It doesn't. I also hate how I get in such bad moods when I'm not in school. Because there's nothing to do except read terrifying books, do homework and sleep. Anyway. This was simply to really help myself. And what I would really hate, is if some people were to read this and think, "Oh, she's talking about me. Wah wah, blah blah." Because I'm not. That's another thing I hate. But, I were really talking about a particular individual, then I would say I was. But I'm not. Therefore, don't read this and think I'm talking about you. I'm talking about society in general. People our age. How we feel the need to freak ourselves out about what other people are thinking about them. It only complicates things. How about simply living life the way it was supposed to be lived? How about doing something productive rather than lie around wondering if other people are thinking about you the way you think of them. I think it's the book. I'm never in such an irritable mood. Never. And I guess it's because school sort-of provides a center of my life, and since I've abandoned doing any homework this week off, I've done absolutely nothing but stir in my own juices. Speaking of which, do you have any idea how many idioms were originally created in Hebrew? mm. Caroline was talking about that today. And I also hate when people feel they need to act a certain way, or dress a certain way or write or talk or say certain things to say, "Hey, I'm different. Look at me." What would truly be different is if someone relied on their real personality instead. And be 100 percent confident in their ability for people to...I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. We were talking about this at dinner last night. For some people, dressing "differently" is who they are. But most of the time, it’s what people want to be. There's a huge difference between being different while having class and looking like an idiot. Final thought: be confident in yourself. There’s nothing that bothers me (and I’m sure other people) is some sad soul lacking a spine.
Okay, that wasn’t the final thought. I thought of something else. I can’t stand people who dress in black and say “Woe is me” or pretend to be the devil every day of their lives. I really can’t. It bothers me that so many things bother me tonight. I sound like some insufferable teenager who thinks they have all of the answers to life and holds herself higher than the rest. That’s not what I’m doing. This is simply what I’m thinking tonight. And I told you not to read this anyway. Anyway. I hate people who windbag too. Final thought, which is simply a quote from the 331st footnote in the book I’m reading: "Not even a domed ceiling to carry a word. Just silence and all its consequences."

04:44 p.m. on Sunday, November 27, 2005:

and goldfrapp. they're making my evening. particularly the song train.

04:36 p.m. on Sunday, November 27, 2005:

It's amazing how math problems can put you in a better mood. Let's hope that Chemistry does the same.

03:39 p.m. on Sunday, November 27, 2005:

the time is 3:39.
i haven't done any homework.
i'm sick and tired of people.

02:32 p.m. on Sunday, November 27, 2005:

i remember when you told me that "dancing in the dark" was your favorite springtien song.

02:12 p.m. on Sunday, November 27, 2005:

maybe it's the book. i know it's not as bad as he's got it. at least i'm not on x. but it's the same feeling he's got. it's the same crazed feeling. that things are changing. that they're moving. that i'm tired, and i know i have things to do, and that i should go somewhere, or just get out. but i don't want to. it's not that i don't want to, i can't. i'm consumed by this book. i cant stop reading it. ive read over 250 pages this morning. and i wasn't reading at church. it's just. i'm being weird. but the phone's ringing off the hook lately. and i don't want to answer it. i told my family if it was for me to tell them i wasn't home. i hope it's the book. i hope after a few more hundred pages i'll get over this and can go on normally. but for now, i still feel like i'm trapped in this house. and don't want to get out.

09:34 p.m. on Saturday, November 26, 2005:

mmmmmm. i like thinking. newland archer-style.

08:41 p.m. on Saturday, November 26, 2005:

damn it. never mind. thought process. not finished. damn it! (in reference to the last entry. check the timing on these two. you'll see. though process. not working. now i'm irritated. i was excited.)

08:40 p.m. on Saturday, November 26, 2005:

oh man! i almost forgot!

08:03 p.m. on Saturday, November 26, 2005:

i hate chicken.

so. unit meeting. we baked a cake. and burnt some chocolate in the microwave. and made reproductive icons out of candy wrappers. damn fires.
something corporate. that's what i want. really really badly. go go go. mmmmmmmmmm. good.
sometimes. i want. to stop time. and rearrange things the way i want them to go. and re-write what's going to be said and how we're going to act. and have people know certain things your thinking and watch how events will unfold. and if you don't like it, you would simply erase the past few hours and re-live them normally instead. if we could do that, there would be so so so many things i would tell people. and you would never have to worry about anything. because you could simply do it over as if it never happened. just walk up to someone and tell them what you think or how you feel or...i don't know. i just. i'm feeling sort-of trapped by people lately. and sort-of intimidated. i wish people could just say what was on their minds. and if that's not what someone else thinks, then whatever. rewind. don't say it next time. and then you could figure out what people thought about things. i know i'm being weird. and. vague. but, think about it. you could go up to someone, tell them whatever you wanted and see where it would lead to. if you didn't like the outcome, or whatever you said or did made things weird, then you could simply rewind and start over. man would i be a different person if i could do that.
dream.dream.dream.dream.
melting. melting.
weird mood. forgive me.
maybe it's...i don't know. wow. really. i want to be able to do that. you have no idea. you could experiment with everything. you could die and press rewind! you could do whatever you wanted. i always wonder that. you know- your in class and everything's normal, and your mind starts wondering, "what would happen if i got up and did this" or said this. whatever. it'll never happen. i guess that's why we have judgement, and can't go around doing whatever. why we have to think about the future and the effect our actions have on the rest of our lives. or at least the next few hours or minutes.
and that's another thing. if you could dream it out - you know, tell yourself what to dream about. so it's like you've already done it and you don't wonder anymore what would happen. then again - it's a dream. it's not real. so you'd still be curious. i guess i am wondering about..well, two things in particular. one, i'd look forward to. the other, i would probably be thinking that i wouldn't want to do it. but would go along with it. all the while telling myself i could rewind whenever i wanted too.
saturday night. weird night to be sitting at home thinking about the what-ifs.

01:48 p.m. on Saturday, November 26, 2005:

OH MY GOODNESS!
apparently there was a side-wager between annika sorenstam and fred funk that if she out-drove him he'd have to wear a skirt. he's now on the third hole in a pink flowery skirt.

01:21 p.m. on Saturday, November 26, 2005:

it's nice to come back to aim and see you've recieved 63 messages since you've been away. it's sad when they're all from your sister.

12:50 p.m. on Saturday, November 26, 2005:

things i want to say in seperate entries:
i think i want to die in november. it's a good dying month. i think when i envision funerals they happen in november. you know - snow on the ground like it is today, not covering, just patches, hardly any (if any) leaves on the trees, people wearing coats, being able to see one's breath. just, good dying month.

aurora's taking a shower. she's a shady character, that aurora.

i wish we could just decide on a time. why the hell can't we just say 2:00 to whenever and be done with it?

these are good breadsticks

maybe it was better with my computer downstairs. now i blog too much

i'm making a really good mix for yearbook. too bad i'm the only one who knows/likes the music i play. apparently i listen to weird music. okay. but it's better than that "we be burnin'" crap.

the london symphony orchestra's version of Born to Run is fantastic. i can't stop listening to it. yay orchestras! and caroline finally gave me Cello Submarine. (a group of cellists that play only beatles) so i'm happy.

why doesn't anyone ever write a song with my name in it?

i have way too much homework to do. but i'm not doing it. so there. that's the responsible solution to that problem.

i had another gg dream. these are getting weird. it was from the pilot episode of season one. when lorelai (caroline) and rory (me) were in luke's (dave cho...i have no idea why). and caroline ordered coffee and i ordered coffee and chili fries and dave told me to order something healthy or else i'd turn out like caroline and i said, "Too late." At the beginning there was the whole "You look good." "Yeah, I had to go to the bank, they like collared shirts. You look good, too." "Yeah, I had a flagulation to go to." coversation too! weird. weird. weird.

I always feel weird when I order milk at a restraunt. Like, I am only supposed to order milk when I'm six or younger, and since I'm seventeen, I feel like I get weird looks when I ask for milk. But hey, when the waiter snaps in half from osteoperosis and i'm irish jigging when i'm 94, we'll know why.

10:31 a.m. on Saturday, November 26, 2005:

Magic and mystery,
Are part of their history,
Along with the secret,
Of gummiberry juice.
KEY CHANGE!
Their legend is growing,
They take pride in knowing,
They'll fight for what's right,
In whatever they do.

10:30 a.m. on Saturday, November 26, 2005:

unit meeting? eh? eh?
I hate when iTunes is playing really peppy music for about an hour in a row on Party Shuffle and then decides to play Safe in My Garden followed by Strange Fruit. Because that just kills you.

08:11 a.m. on Saturday, November 26, 2005:

Whenever I'm from time to time depressed
And a trauma wells and swells
Within my breast
I find some pride deep inside of me
And I fondly walk down the lane of memory

I see Bonaparte
A mean one if ever I've seen one
And Nero fiddlin' thru that lovely blaze
Antionetts, dainty queen, with her quaint guillotine
Ha ha ha ha
Those were the good old days

I see Indians draggin'
An empty covered wagon
When scalping the settlers was the latest craze
And that glorious morn, Jack the Ripper was born
Ha ha ha ha
Those were the good old days
I'd sit in my rockin' chair peacefully rockin' there
Counting my blessings by the score
The rack was in fashion, the plagues were my passion
Each day held a new joy in store

Was anybody happy?

I see cannibals munchin' a missionary luncheon
The years may have flown but the memory stays
Like the hopes that were dashed,
when the stock market crashed
Ha ha ha ha
Those were the good old days

I'd walk a million miles or more
For some of the gore
Of those good old days

I was so contented
When prisons were invented
And the ones with gallows
Set my heart ablaze
I was burning with pride
The day Bonnie met Clyde
Ha ha ha ha
Those were the good old days

I'd doze by the fireside
Dreaming of Cyanide,
Never a worry or a care;
And how can one measure,
The infinite pleasure,
Of dreaming of the electric chair.
(Some found it shocking!)
And in the aisles I'd lay 'em
With arson and with mayhem;
It's a hammy routine but it always plays,
And my fav'rite encore,
Was the hundred year war,
Ha ha ha ha
Those were the good old days!

I'd gladly sail the seven seas,
For just one reprise
Of those good old days!

10:32 p.m. on Friday, November 25, 2005:

i swear i didn't know
we bet him five dollars he would drown
a bittersweet victory

09:52 p.m. on Friday, November 25, 2005:

okay. i know i know - you get all you're favorite bands from me. so, i thought i'd share my hottest music of the moment. right now, is Goldfrapp. they're really bizarre. sort-of trippy. very dream-like. find them. listen to them. be cool like me! anyway, here's a list, a short one mind you, of bands you should be looking out for:

goldfrapp (that's a given!)
10,000 Maniacs (i know i mention them a lot. i like them!)
Aaron Zigman's stuff from The Notebook
AIR (also very bizarre - more so than Goldfrapp)
Aztec Camera
Belle & Sebastian (i only had one song of theirs until a few days ago. very very nice stuff)
Charles Mingus (good jazz)
Dar Williams
David Sylvian (wonderful drift off to sleep kind-of piano)
Dead Can Dance
Elbow
Elliott Smith
Eric Hutchinson (caroline saw hime live. jerk)
Eva Cassidy
Françoise Hardy
Heinrich Biber (cute! caroline recomends the nightingale. i second that)
James Taylor (but we already knew that)
John Cage (crazy times with a piano)
Kings Of Convenience
London Symphony Orchestra
Miles Davis (more good jazz)
Noise for Pretend
Stars (i'm putting this on even though they're not new. you should be listening to them. if you don't, i'm going to keep putting it on my lists)

that should tide you over for awhile.

09:41 p.m. on Friday, November 25, 2005:

my grandmother came over for dinner. it was just her, my mother and me. so we ate dinner and then sat around in the living room talking about boys. i think it was the most fun i've had with my grandmother in my entire life. and it was a no-holes barred kind-of conversation. she'd talk about some guy and say, "yes, yes i believe he was the first boy i smoked a cigarette with." or "mmm, that was the first time i made-out in a movie theater." and - it's my grandmother! oh how i love being in this family.

05:17 p.m. on Friday, November 25, 2005:

so i finally moved my computer upstairs to my room. meaning more online time, more blogging and more general fun. tomorrow is saturday. which means. that it's almost sunday. which means it's almost time to go back to school. and! i've finally gotten around to putting music into my iTunes. now - if i finally can get an iPod to work i'd be all set.
and my room is clean
and. well. i'm just in a good mood.
i think it's the music.
and my new shoes.

08:15 p.m. on Thursday, November 24, 2005:

no taste. no taste.
that's all i wanted to say.

07:42 p.m. on Thursday, November 24, 2005:

i usually cry at movies--what can i say, i'm a sensitive person-- but when cedric diggery died, i was sobbing. i tapped caroline on the shoulder and said, "i'm going to cry. really. i'm going to cry!" and then just started sobbing.
it was wonderful!
oh man, and bath scene? with daniel radcliff? oh man!
anyway. wonderful. that's all i can say. and the dragon part--absolutley terrified. i held my sister's hand the entire way through.
i'm totally up for seeing it again. any takers?

12:07 p.m. on Thursday, November 24, 2005:

family outing at 4:45! harry potter! i'm so excited!

11:28 a.m. on Thursday, November 24, 2005:

if font size determined my excitement levels, i would say
SNOW!

so, there's this splotch on one of the kitchen walls, well, whatever was under the wall. some type of board. and it looks like fritter. so, caroline decided to draw him onto the wall. and now whe have a fritter blotch. and. it's lovely. apparently, my mother then started saying, "Get off the counter, Fritter!" and my dad was confused. Now caroline is literally on top of me with a rather small disposable camera (a wedding camera, caroline adds) trying to take pictures of my nose. it's very difficult to type like this, i'm surprised i'm doing so well. no mistakes yet - wow - extreme typing. punctuation is rather difficult when you can't see the keyboard. but letter's aren't that bad. okay. now. she's rocking about. i'm stopping. in fear i might not be able to type coherent words. happy thanksgiving!

06:48 p.m. on Wednesday, November 23, 2005:

name brands at discout prices - skidmore tires.
my dad keeps singing that. you know - the town fair tire song. except. not. and it's really catchy. where is my sondre lerche when i need him?
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT:
"Who will help me spell 'the wheat'?"

The end
of the evil Stepmother
said, "I'll huff and snuff and
give you three wishes."
The beast changed into
seven dwarves
happily ever after
for a spell had been cast by a Wicked Witch
Once upon a time.
There was a Giant.
The Giant squeezed Jack and said, "Tell me a better story or I will grind your bones to make my bread. And when your story is finished, I will grind your bones to make my bread anyway! Ho, ho, ho." The giant laughed an ugly laugh. Jack thought, "He'll kill me if I do. He'll kill me if I don't . There's onlyl one way to get out of this." Jack cleared his throat, and then began his story...
Once upon a time, there was a mother duck and a father duck who had seven baby ducklings. Six of them were regular-looking ducklings. The seventh was a really ugly duckling. Everyone used to say, "What a nice-looking bunch of ducklings--all except that one. Boy, he's really ugly." The really ugly duckling heard these people, but he didn't care. He knew that one day, he would probably grow up to be a swan and be bigger and look better than anything else in the pond. Well, as it turned out, he was just a really ugly duckling. And he grew up to be just a really ugly duck.
the end.

06:38 p.m. on Wednesday, November 23, 2005:

fucsia cake. really. it's hot pink. fuscia. it's a cake. and it's hot pink. (my mother is a fish) we're rocking out to bjork. my whole family. (darl is my brother) i got an A- on my enlish project. she said really nice things. i got a 760 on the math sat II. (jewel's mother is a horse) stars! we are no longer rocking out to bjork. we are rocking out to stars. (she is not my mother) anyway. off to frost the pink cake. this is fun.

03:23 p.m. on Wednesday, November 23, 2005:

and. i finally have a good song stuck in my head: sondre lerche's you know so well. the lyrics are a little, girly? sappy? not quite. you'll see. if you know what i mean. but they're nice. and it has a very haunting tune if you get it stuck in your head.
lyrics:
Use every chance you've been given
she replied after several days
It's no good to be perfect
you know so well things are easy to tell
There is one thing I know
it goes like this
It's that when I lose my sleep it's you I miss

I have told you this before
and my transparent mind
won't cover see-through hearts
I'll be straight with you now
Now I'm not what you want
just like the rest
and you feel like you're subject to a test
But if there's one thing I know it's this
When I lose my sleep it's you I miss

You sleep all night
you know you lie awake
Tell me, yeah
And time is running out
and you know so well
it may never be

Use every chance you've been given
she is told, but it doesn't make her smile
She has no need to be perfect
She knows too well
things are easy to tell
I have said what I thought you should know
but you never seem to recognize my face

03:16 p.m. on Wednesday, November 23, 2005:

liz's cookies rock my world. and wars with aurora's cookies are almost as wonderful. twenty wrong on the packet = breakfast sandwich. nice.
cayer was in a really bad mood today. and i didn't turn in my lab. oh well. i know i got everything on the quiz right, despite not doing the packet. which i suppose i'll do over the weekend. test in italian = goofing off in the hallways with john sakakini.
deadline is next freaking friday. oh my goodness.
anyway, thanksgiving is a needed break. and despite having a lousy chem class, it's been a good day. OH! the most exciting thing! i almost forgot! today i came home. (that's not the exciting part) and. (nope) i have no kitchen. (there you go) really. no cabinets. we have a stove. we're missing a wall. no floor. really - no floor. meaning the basement has a big hole in the ceiling, too. so. as i type in the basement, i can see the windows in the kitchen. it's actually pretty cool. but it's really cold in here! and the men aren't coming back until monday! i guess we need to pull out our winter hats and mittens and wear them around the house like we're in alaska.

09:28 p.m. on Tuesday, November 22, 2005:

i wont know what to do.
i won't know what to say
except fuck you

in eachother's shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all

and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and I am getting nowhere with you
and I can't let it go

so fierce and ingenious
a poetic specter so far gone

el salvador

who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads
to find peace in the form of a dream

and we hold these truths to be self evident:
number one:

cuz once upon a time the line followed the river
and peeked into all the backyards
and the laundry was waving
the graffiti was teasing us
from brick walls and bridges
we were rolling over ridges
through valleys
under stars

and you were not a dot dot dot
leaning forward expectantly
and i was not in such a rush
to insure my autonomy

today we are only whatall is nice about us

oh to clean up the clutter of echoes
coming in and out of focus
words spoken
like locusts
sing and sing
in my head

shh..baby listen; hear the train?

09:11 p.m. on Tuesday, November 22, 2005:

AND i have the "it's raining meat" song stuck in my head. not particularlly the nicest song to be singing around the house. the part i have stuck in my head (and have had in my head for the past two hours) goes like this: it's raining meat and i can't see my own two feet. look to the moon. it's raining meat. raining meat. hot as hell. and the newsman thinks it's neat. but it stinks. no stars up high in the midnight sky. just falling flesh. meaty sheets. it keeps the devil in his seat. it's raining meat. it's raining meat. grin ear to ear. cry a meaty tear. a tender moment-meaty year. listening to the meating souds. fleshy dance floor getting down. sitting deep in the brother beat. a carnage chair. a meaty seat. loaf of bread. stinky meat. it keeps the devil in his seat. it's raining meat. it's raining meat.
lovely, eh?
i know i enjoy a rousing song about meat storms before i go to bed.
anyway. (i love dean martin. he's elegant.)
bed. i swear!

09:06 p.m. on Tuesday, November 22, 2005:

i love the pink dots.
caroline's home! and there was no "next week on gilmore girls." i think they don't do one next week. i guess it'll be a rerun.

our kitchen is finally underway! we have a very impressive dumpster on our driveway. and they're cutting holes in the kitchen floor. i'm not quite sure why. but i guess that's exciting.

i am in no mood to do my homework. (what else is new) i've already researched a bit on the FCC, but i don't feel like doing chem. ooohhhhwelllll.
which reminds me, we watched supersize me in chem lab. mmmm. it really made me want fast food. really.

and rent isn't playing in trumbull
but harry potter! thursday man!
and i need to go see pride and predudice because kiera knightly (i think that's her name) is the most beautiful woman in hollywood. that's not the actual reason i want to see the movie. but we're reading jane austin in english - which i suppose is a good reason. and it's a good story. i hear they did a good job. so, i need to see that. i'm excited.

i'm going to bed. i love the pink dots.

11:46 p.m. on Monday, November 21, 2005:

wtf. why am i not working? i'm talking to samiya. and playing inklink. someone make me work!

11:16 p.m. on Monday, November 21, 2005:

and i have to work because i left my book at church. or i could simply re-blog every two or three minutes like i'm doing now. then i'd certainly get nothing done. i want my book. i want it to distract me. i want to read and then go to bed. and then sleep. and then get up around ten. and then do my homework. and then get caroline from the train station. and then be off from school. nice.

11:03 p.m. on Monday, November 21, 2005:

i'm in. i'm so in.
my interview went perfectly. i'm going to college. how nice.

now i'm stuck doing the homework i should have done this weekend. i have to do those math problems, which i guess i'll do now. and those chem problems, which i guess i'll do after that. i have a test tomorrow in italian AND i've spent the last hour and a half reseaching for bicen. which i don't want to do tomorrow. bleh. it's tough. our topic. the media's effect on legislation. right now, i'm really researching what the media does in relation to congress, not really its effect, which is rather obvious in my opinion. (it's part of the check and balance really) so, i think that's much more interesting anyway. so after i do my problems i guess i'll reread my research and make index cards.

my right wrist is starting to get really cold. it always does that when i'm tired. i wonder why. always always.

dizzy. i'm so dizzy my head is spinning. like a whirlpool it never ends. and it's you girl making it spin. OH! WHICH REMINDS ME! patrick lane came to church! oh my goodness! i think every person in church, including the guys, melted. really. he's that...there's no word to describe him. he's perfect. and only 23! so! there's hope! if there's one thing that can brighten your day, it's looking at patrick lane.

which also reminds me. sunday, i came to church. in jeans and a sweatshirt. because i was in no mood to actually put forth effort. and lo and behold i look down and the program and i'm apparently giving the welcoming and announcements. really? reeeaallly? i wasn't even wearing shoes. the yg was laughing at me. i guess it was sortof funny. anyway. i need to get to work.
COLLEGE!!!!!!! i'm so excited.

AND! caroline's coming tomorrow. which means we can see harry potter finally. i've had to satisfy my fix with hours and hours of hp fan fiction. oh man. lots of good ones. but if i have to read anything else about draco and ginny (or hermione for that matter) i'm going to kill myself. there are not an item. they never will be. i think draco's gay. and his family is forcing him to supress that. but whatever. that's just me. i'm going to go work.

03:46 p.m. on Saturday, November 19, 2005:

i can't blog or aim when the computer is downstairs. and i'm in no mood to move my computer upstairs. so i guess weekly installments will happen until i get up the energy to clean my room again and move my computer. my interview at skidmore is monday. i'm so excited. we saw a giant toilet today. my dad and i. it was crazy. and then we sat in the bathtubs on display. it was pretty awesome.

you feed the beast i have within me. you wave the red flag. baby you make it run. standing on the sidelines waving and grinning. you fondle my trigger then you blame my gun.

11:18 p.m. on Thursday, November 17, 2005:

i hate when you open up the box to type and entry, don't type anything even though you want to and just forget about it. because when you come back to it, you have nothing to say.

04:49 p.m. on Thursday, November 17, 2005:

i just tried to drink out of a pencil holder.

10:54 a.m. on Monday, November 14, 2005:

my aural state is: mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, too

10:51 a.m. on Monday, November 14, 2005:


sex in the footnotes!

i'm home today. i woke up with a splitting headache and a very unhappy nose that refuses to work properly. so i've settled down with my book and a blanket and here i will remain until my dad brings me some soup. then i think i'll take a nap or research bicen. whatever. why am i getting sick so much lately?

03:24 p.m. on Sunday, November 13, 2005:

why is gmail down?
i hate working. i really do. no i really dont. i just hate when i have to work ALL DAY LONG when i shouldn't be working now anyway. and now my boss wants me to work tuesday and wednesday this week. i can't work weekdays! he knows that! ahh. i need a break. i'm skiping the BOT meeting this week because i want to. so there. and skidmore received my application which i am very excited about. apparently i forgot to check whether or not i'm a candidate for financial aide. so they called my house and asked me. i suppose if i weren't worth investigating they wouldn't have called me. so that's good. anyway. i need a nap. and some zox. i'm in the mood for bridge burning. mmmmmm.

05:32 a.m. on Friday, November 11, 2005:

mmmmm bitches
i'm done. that only took two and a half hours to research and write. and i made soup. and ate it. wow. that was good time. and hey! who's tired? not me? i haven't read for english. but i've finished all of my other homework. so that's nice. my paper's too long again. it runs onto four pages by three lines. i tried to change the font so it would fit onto three, but that didn't work. and it's green. oh! i got my computer back. i'm still working on the downstairs one though. i think i'll go play on my computer instead of do my english homework. i need to reconnect to the network. and see what firefox is like. i'm excited.

03:22 a.m. on Friday, November 11, 2005:

i just got a lot of information off a website. but i can't use it. why? because i didn't notice the url was makeoutcity.com and their slogan was "all you need are kisses to start a makeout party." why the hell are they telling me about voting then? what's going on?

02:59 a.m. on Friday, November 11, 2005:

hey! there's a uu church in saratoga springs!
okay. back to work.

02:52 a.m. on Friday, November 11, 2005:

this is officially the latest i have ever started a bicen essay.

05:44 p.m. on Thursday, November 10, 2005:

aurora mentioned firefox once. i had no idea what she was talking about. i though all internet was internet explorer. anyway. today is a day of fixing things. a garage man came and fixed the garage doors so now, if i forget my key, i can always go in through the garage. why didn't the keypad work? because it needed a new battery and we didn't realise it took batteries so it was rusted and gross (why do i always get a warped one?) so when a new battery was put in and it lit up, my dad and i both ooh-ed and aahh-ed. then my dad said, "it's blinking! it looks like a christmas tree!" after that i think the garage man was sort-of weirded out.

05:27 p.m. on Thursday, November 10, 2005:

so remember my computer died? perhaps that was because even after the computer guy ran spyware/virus killer software, my computer had (drum roll please) 900 spyware programs and (steady boy) 52,800 viruses. hah. yeah. that might cause a problem. maybe. a little cold perhaps. so he took off all of my documents and reformated my entire computer. so now i have a new computer. and then he put everything back on and gave me FIREFOX!!!!! (jellies!) instead of internet explorer. because he rocks. and he reinstalled my iTunes with the latest updates AND put all of my music back in. because he's wonderful wonderful wonderful. i'm so excited. my dads getting it tonight. which is nice because now i have a computer so now i can finally start my bicen paper which is due tomorrow. great.

09:01 p.m. on Tuesday, November 8, 2005:

it could have been better. but! next week! oh man! so excited. anyway. i need a shower. and to clean my room. and i should talk to caroline. (hey! you say you read this every once in a while, so if you read this before i call you, "hey!" and... oh, "i scheduled my interview at skidmore for the 21st so we can chat about that later." and "i think i might have a bot meeting at church next tuesday. meaning im missing the reunion episode. you should not only feel sorry for me, but also figure out how i can watch it. because as you are aware, our vcr doesn't record." one more thing, "i miss you.") okay. so. shower. clean room. homework. good plan. i'm really looking forward to going to school tomorrow. and i have no idea why.

06:01 p.m. on Sunday, November 6, 2005:

i don't even know what to write. it sounds wrong when i type it out. it sounds more final. last night i was told that one of my very good friends was hit by a car and killed on friday. i guess i've been in shock. i haven't told any one - my family doesn't know,yet. and i don't really feel like telling them. i know if i say it out loud i'll cry. i just talked to her last week. she's my age. i've never known anyone my age who's died. i mean, i knew sara, but i wans't really close to her. i talked to - i can't even type her name. i feel like if i type it, it's so final. wow. hit by a car and killed. at seventeen. i think the funeral was this morning. cold morning for a funeral. a funeral. just imagine walking home and getting killed when your seventeen. we've been talking a lot about this in english. death i mean. it's so bizarre to think about what we say in class and then having it happen. but it's true, you don't, well, i don't think about her as dead. i just remember all of the goofy things we did at camp. we were inseperable. i remember we would argue about boys and people would call us legs because we were both really tall and really leggy - her more than me. i think she was one or two inches taller than me. i killed her in assasin. last year we were both in the top bunks of chadwick. we stayed up all night talking to eachother. and i talk to her all the time online. do i take her off my buddy list now? can i leave her on? is that denial? she's dead. i couldn't blog this last night. there was no way. i went to bed right after i found out and cried. i've been out of it ever since. dying when your seventeen. i can't believe i've made it through typing all of this without crying.

06:42 a.m. on Saturday, November 5, 2005:

i'm tired. and grumpy. we went later than i wanted to last night. and i fell asleep after ten chapters in bio. i thought i would be able to study this morning but the website is down. so - no sleep, hardly any studying, these are going to be the best satII scores you've ever seen.
in other news, caroline's home. which is amazing. but i havn't been able to see her at all yet. my ipod came. and it's brand new to replace the junk one they gave me first. my computer is still broken, however, meaning i can't put any songs on it. and i have no idea where my headphones are. i wish i could study.

01:02 a.m. on Friday, November 4, 2005:

i really need a day off.

12:12 a.m. on Friday, November 4, 2005:

i think i should keep a running tally of what i consume tonight. the only way i stay awake is through eating. so far, i had a can of lentil soup, an orange, a ton of garlic bread and now i'm eating a bowl of oatmeal. and it's only 12:13. i have spent the past hour or so researching felon disenfranchisement which i find extraordinarily exciting and interesting. so that's what's kept me awake so far. i still need to combine essays, do my english project, do question three for chemistry, study for the math test, read for english, do an italian packet and research italian schools. wow. long list. i guess i'm going to eat a lot tonight, then.

12:36 a.m. on Wednesday, November 2, 2005:

the darkest hour is just before dawn

chem lab is finally finished. that one took awhile. i guess i'm not going to study for bicen or sat iis tonight. too bad though. i really need to get that done. and bicen test is tomorrow. jeeze. (i just scraped my hand on my pants. it really hurts. bad spot to get a scrape.)
okay. math homework. ugh. i need sleep. maybe i'll do it in the morning.

09:08 p.m. on Tuesday, November 1, 2005:

and another thing. i hate people. really. people just irritate me. people are always trying to make themselves look better. as in - look at all of the things i do. or try to describe themselves or things they do to make them appear better. or what they assume to be better. i just wish people would be themselves. maybe this is because i'm in a really bad mood. but, it just seems like people arn't comfortable enough with the way they truly are that they have to fabricate some... i dont even know how to explain it. you know what i'm talking about. it's as if people are selling themselves to their peers. they have to make themselves look as good as possible to be bought. or accepted. whatever. argh. i just. wish. people would. grow up. and understand that no one cares about things like that. no one thinks they are a better person or likes them more because of stupid things they have to add to their character or personality. it taints them. it really does. i'm not saying i don't do that. because every one does. every one wants to look and act better than they really are. or at least better than they think they are because everyone has low self-esteem. OH! and another thing. i hate people who...AH i can't even describe it. and i don't want to sound mean - because i hate when people get offended. but i hate people who go to therapy when they don't need to. hell i don't think anyone needs therapy. i think people need to suck it up. every one is turning into a wimp these days. i hate it. people just need to...shut up. and i hate people who walk around saying they're going to kick or bite something. or walk around trying to make people feel badly for them. those people who...i don't even want to talk about it. i'm going to go read. maybe that will put me in a better mood. i think i need to drink more water.

09:03 p.m. on Tuesday, November 1, 2005:

i am in a sincerely bad mood. what the hell was that? oh, in case you forgot - here's the season openner! don't even bother airing the episode i've been looking forward to for a week. don't even bother. just put on the first episode of the season to tide me over - that'll work. i'm not sure why i'm so irritated right now, but i am. i'm pissed. really really angry. and i am never angry. and to top it all off - i can't find my lab. great. it's due tomorrow, we have to get this done tonight, and mine's no where in sight. good. good start to a big lab. and i can't even do it tomorrow because it's a group thing. i offered to do the procedure, and that one I really can't do. wow. i forgot how much energy being angry stirs up. FYI: don't talk to me tonight. really. just don't go there.

07:51 p.m. on Monday, October 31, 2005:

i hate technology. really. i hate it. my ipod is sent away and at least it's getting better. but my computer is absolutly gone. it won't even turn on any more. anyway. i was in a good mood today, and i completley forgot why. but, just pretend like i just told you why my day was amazing and you can pretend to notice what made my day amazing made your day amazing, and thus, you now are in a good mood and arn't irritated with me for saying absolutley nothing in a hundred and fifty words which took time out of your day to read. you'll never get that time back. ever. so, thanks for donating thirty seconds of your life to reading absolutly nothing tonight. it means something. it really does.

on another note. i didn't go to first period. if you were wondering. i didn't.
on another note. i did very well on my chem test. cayer let me see it. i'm happy. and my italian teacher (okay, i know, no transition. get over it. we were talking about chem now we're talking about italian if you got lost there) thinks i should study italian in college. which is something to think about. i haven't given any thought to whether or not i'm going to continue french. last year french clicked for me. and i was almost fluent. and now, i can speak french if someone wants me to. which is awesome to say the least. and when someone walks up to you and says, "by any chance do you know the french verb 'to uproot?' " i can say, "of course! it's arracher!" and then wonder how the hell did i know the french verb "to uproot?" anyway. i like french. but i really like italian. perhaps that's because it's ridiculously easy and it's no work at all. or maybe because i really like it. i guess i will study italian. however! if i am really going to the costa rican rain forest my junior year abroad i should really learn spanish. i mean how far can "mi tia trabaja en la biblioteca" really get you in the rain forest?

08:01 a.m. on Monday, October 31, 2005:

why am i still at home. i should be at school. god. i'm such a slacker.

10:21 p.m. on Saturday, October 29, 2005:

i'm cutting bits and pieces of a conversation aurora and i had at 09:41 p.m. on Sunday, March 27, 2005. if you want the whole thing, scroll down buddy. way down.

i'll guide you along in italics so i can comment on what's going on. we start out talking about the ap bio test
homegrownunknown (7:04:23 PM): i need sandles ap people!
a girl virescent (7:04:24 PM): mhm
homegrownunknown (7:04:31 PM): do they really want me to not get sandals?
a girl virescent (7:04:37 PM): yes
a girl virescent (7:04:40 PM): theyre ap people
a girl virescent (7:04:47 PM): clearly, theyre against sandals of all sorts
just wait, it gets good. wait for the camels
a girl virescent (7:07:41 PM): hokai. i have to go. i shall be back in an hour to discuss the fascinating ways of nitrogen and nodules
homegrownunknown (7:07:46 PM): okay
a girl virescent (7:07:50 PM): and pidgeons
a girl virescent (7:07:54 PM): because they are cool
a girl virescent (7:08:04 PM): pidgy pidgy pidgy potato
homegrownunknown (7:08:05 PM): snakes eat pidgeons
i'd like to say this in a dane cook manner, "what was i talking about?" except it was pidgeons. not corn. anyway.
homegrownunknown (7:08:08 PM): sometimes
a girl virescent (7:08:11 PM): thats because theyre awesome
homegrownunknown (8:41:04 PM): isn't our history test tuesday?
homegrownunknown (8:41:06 PM): or monday?
homegrownunknown (8:41:08 PM): when is it?
a girl virescent (8:41:12 PM): tomorrow
homegrownunknown (8:41:34 PM): ::sticks out tongue in an unattractive mannor and makes silly noises::
a girl virescent (8:41:39 PM): i agree
homegrownunknown (8:45:20 PM): do you know who FUNky funCHY is?
homegrownunknown (8:45:37 PM): oh never mind
homegrownunknown (8:45:46 PM): it's a uu
a girl virescent (8:45:49 PM): oh
a girl virescent (8:45:50 PM): okay
a girl virescent (8:45:56 PM): i was like...no, but he sounds scary
a girl virescent (8:46:02 PM): hell probably virtualy rape you
okay. skip a bit. we started talking about the coombs, then the new york times, and then what we could do to get into the nyt and then how mike calls it the slimes
a girl virescent (9:19:51 PM): i think i shoud poke him (mike) with a pointy umbrella
homegrownunknown (9:19:51 PM): eat mike testani
homegrownunknown (9:19:56 PM): we'd get lots of press
a girl virescent (9:20:04 PM): we could sail across the pacific ocean in an upide down umbrella
a girl virescent (9:20:09 PM): accompanied by dancing crawfish
it gets weirder. just wait for the camel. i'm not cutting this at all, so this is exactly how it happened. and its sort of long. but weird. very very bizarre. so i cut to a part after i got angry because i couldn't type
homegrownunknown (9:21:38 PM): GESUS! (i decided to make jesus more getto)
a girl virescent (9:21:51 PM): and put an accent on the u
homegrownunknown (9:21:55 PM): nice
a girl virescent (9:21:57 PM): so its pronounces like geh-zoos
a girl virescent (9:22:06 PM): gehzoos from de gehttoo
homegrownunknown (9:22:15 PM): most def
a girl virescent (9:22:18 PM): worrrrd up
homegrownunknown (9:22:22 PM): yo yo
a girl virescent (9:22:32 PM): in da hood of jersusalem yo
a girl virescent (9:22:51 PM): the crucifix: old school bling
homegrownunknown (9:22:53 PM): were we eat pita bread because it is indiginous there (or so the minister of my church says)
homegrownunknown (9:23:20 PM): and we can ride on camels told you with nice hub caps
a girl virescent (9:23:26 PM): cha. no yeast. but that was egypt. or something
a girl virescent (9:23:28 PM): aw hells yeah
a girl virescent (9:23:40 PM): haha. hydraulic camels
a girl virescent (9:25:42 PM): do you think jesus strapped his sandals tight?
a girl virescent (9:25:55 PM): or left them loose so they were almost off his feet
homegrownunknown (9:26:01 PM): tight
a girl virescent (9:26:08 PM): what about gesus
homegrownunknown (9:26:08 PM): well
a girl virescent (9:26:14 PM): were his sandals tight?
homegrownunknown (9:26:28 PM): gesus wore them tight, but his robe thingy was loose
a girl virescent (9:26:35 PM): cha
a girl virescent (9:26:38 PM): that too
homegrownunknown (9:26:41 PM): it's hot over there
a girl virescent (9:26:44 PM): and he wore a pimp hat
a girl virescent (9:26:50 PM): thats how he got mary magdalene
homegrownunknown (9:26:51 PM): with a feather in it
a girl virescent (9:26:52 PM): his hat
a girl virescent (9:27:02 PM): and sometimes he wore platform shoes
homegrownunknown (9:27:08 PM): purple ones
this is getting good
a girl virescent (9:27:08 PM): with leopard fur
a girl virescent (9:27:13 PM): purple leopard fur
a girl virescent (9:27:22 PM): and a pink boa
homegrownunknown (9:27:44 PM): and all them females would follow him around
homegrownunknown (9:27:58 PM): and he spoke in hebrizzle
a girl virescent (9:28:01 PM): but maybe they were gay
a girl virescent (9:28:06 PM): HEBRIZZLE!
a girl virescent (9:28:22 PM): yo, listen up dawgs to the sermon on the mountizzle
a girl virescent (9:29:23 PM): i think we should just start talking in hebrizzle in bio and see what winters says
homegrownunknown (9:29:47 PM): we can say that the nitrizzle gets izzled but the nodizzles on the legizzles
that goes on and on. then we started talking about anthropologie
a girl virescent (9:50:46 PM): i wish i had $52374238568934256934862. beause then i could afford anthropologie homegrownunknown (9:51:27 PM): i think i'd buy jamaica homegrownunknown (9:51:35 PM): and we'd be jammin mon a girl virescent (9:54:24 PM): thats be awesome a girl virescent (9:54:32 PM): probably smell like pot though a girl virescent (9:54:40 PM): oooh. peacock feather sandals
so that's it. wasn't that a bizarre little insight into our little world? don't you feel metally fulfilled for the evening now?

10:15 p.m. on Saturday, October 29, 2005:

it snowed this morning. did you know that? it snowed. this morning. october 29th. it snowed.

the clocks turn tonight. so it's really only 9:15. and i'm tired for 9:15. and i really need to clean my room. it's depressing me. but it snowed. and that takes away my depression about my room. i'm so glad it snowed. as soon as it started i felt like shouting "Ladies and gentlemen, we have flakes! Flakes have been sighted. Flakeage, if you will, has begun."

06:14 p.m. on Saturday, October 29, 2005:

i'm in a good mood this weekend. perhaps it's because i have no homework and i finally got those bot minutes sent out. and i just spent way too much money at the mall and was accosted by several large black men. i was walking out of a store when this very tall man approached me and said, "hey, sweetheart, don't run away..." hah. not a good opening line. i ran (walked very quickly) away. as soon as i turned the corner, though, another came up to me and handed me some slip of paper and said, "honey, if you're looking for a good time" again. run run away. so it turned out that there was something going on at FYE with chris black at five. i thought i was being kidnapped.
also today, i hung out with jared. i saw him somewhere about two weeks ago - he's home from college. and bored out of his skull (i spelled skull "scull" it took me awhile to figure out what was wrong). so he called and we hung out. i hate not seeing him any more. (and jess and jackie and betsy and emily and jordan) we considered calling every one else and go hang out by beaches pond when it freezes over to go ice scating, but the pond is pretty dead. and there's no water in it anyway. so we scratched that idea and he said when i'm at skidmore he'll come and visit (because apparently it's a great place to get drunk) and we'll hang out more.
awesome awesome day
tomorrow is the halloween party at church. i hate halloween parties. well, i like the party part. and i like how the little kids dress up. but i hate that the youth group is forced to do a haunted house. because i think haunted houses are lame. so maybe i'll abstain and volunteer for overseeing the apple-bobbing bucket to make sure no one drowns or the mummy rap, instead.

12:04 a.m. on Friday, October 28, 2005:

it's midnight. my unit paper is finished. and i've lost my hole-punch.

i hope i didn't have any other homework to do. i finished the introduction. hmmm. is our lab due tomorrow? maybe. i don't even remember the lab. i have an italian test that i need to study for. hmm. oh well. i can do it in the morning.

08:59 p.m. on Thursday, October 27, 2005:

eight fifty-nine. i think it's about time to eat some macaroni and cheese (shapes of course) and then start on my bicen paper. oh, and i'm too lazy to chance it, but add another awesome song to the awesome song list. ask me about it. i'll play it for you. it doesn't have a name. and it's only good with the live version that i have. let me just say that steel drums + huge youth choir (including caroline) = AMAZING! i've had this song forever. but i forgot about it. and now it's amazing. and so is every other song on this cd. oh man. good mood's 'a brewin'.

08:34 p.m. on Thursday, October 27, 2005:

i haven't started it yet. my paper i mean. i haven't eaten dinner yet either. i've been researching my butt off. and man. i've got a lot. and I'M NOT SHARING! hah! i know i know. we're on a unit - we must share. after tomorrow i'll share. not tonight. hahahaha!!!!!!

06:28 p.m. on Thursday, October 27, 2005:

okay, kill me now. my computer is dead. really really dead. so is my ipod. i hate technology. so i'm in the basement which feels like antarctica starting on my bicen paper.

in other news, lucy made my day today at the nhs fall induction by asking me why there were rolls of toilet paper on the table. they were the leadership, scholarship, service, and wisdom candles. when i informed her of this she laughed and said, "that makes more sense - i really need glasses." hah. we had a good laugh about that.

it's cold

so rosco didn't show up to calc today. just didn't show. so we worked all period like ap students do instead of throwing paper airplanes and spit balls. i got all of my homework done, instead.

we drink milk on the farm. then i pet the llama. the alpacas are furry. and we walk around in the pastures and drink milk. (don't ask.)

08:55 p.m. on Monday, October 24, 2005:

i'm sitting here studying chemistry listening to music from Amelie and it's just now starting to rain. it's my birthday, yet i have no time for it to be my birthday. it's as if it didn't even happen today. this is all so very very french.
i didn't stop today - i was rushing from one class to the next, trying to get my application in and getting yearbook under control and finishing homework that i didn't have time to sit down and tell myself happy birthday. i didn't stop rushing about until eigth period when i sat down and set superlatives into the senior section - and even then i was working. after school yearbookies threw me a little partie with BROWNIES! and other fun things. i think i needed that - it finally started feeling like a birthday. anyway. maybe tomorrow i can relax a little. linger awhile. wait...linger? what? no way! work work work. some times i wish that i took 300 courses and did no extra curriculars and just wanted to bag groceries or pump gas. this would be one of them. I haven't gotten a full night's sleep in two weeks. I need a break.

12:30 p.m. on Saturday, October 22, 2005:

oh, and i just made the best dancing around and cleaning playlist. it consists of:

ooh you touch my tralala - gunther
the cemetery - architecture in helsinki
i beleive in miracles - hot chocolate
one more night - stars
just what i needed - the cars
crazy life - toad the wet sprocket
farther - third eye blind
open book - mates of state
scorn - the red west
set yourself on fire - stars
run - snow patrol
another first kiss (acoustic) - they might be giants
amphetamines - eve 6
the squid - zox
jack the ripper - colin meloy
darkness - third eye blind
oh - dave matthews band

12:24 p.m. on Saturday, October 22, 2005:

just for the record: i hatequish. hate it. never liked it. never will.

busy busy busy weekend. caroline's getting here in about ten minutes. we woke up early this morning to look at cabinets for the kitchen. my mom is making quish. (i don't like quish. every time she makes it, which is quite often, i say "mom, why are we having quish? i hate quish. i've alway's hated quish." and she responds, "you've never hated quish in the past! you love quish." (that's where the i love crutons thing comes from. apparently, i love crutons. (and asparagus, and quish, and baked chicken, and brown rice, and wheat bagels, and potato chips and banging my head against the wall) she thinks she's in on it. she bought me bags of crutons because my dad and i always laugh about it and say i love crutons. so she buys me crutons. now, i don't really feel one way or another about crutons, but we laugh about it more because my mom always tries to get me to eat the crutons now.) i hope we don't eat quish for lunch. maybe i'll have crutons instead. then i have loads and loads of homework to do and then we're going out for dinner somewhere. then tomorrow i have work until late because i'm starting early. then i think we're opening presents because we do it as a family - it doesn't really matter that my birthday is on monday, because you can't open presents from your family unless everyone is there. if they aren't it isn't really special. and then the rest of the day we're hanging out with caroline and bringing her back to school. oh, and i have to get into college this weekend. hmm.

01:05 a.m. on Thursday, October 20, 2005:

where have i developed this new-found ability to stay up late. its past one in the morning and i'm fine. wow. anyway. i haven't even started my real homework yet because i got home late - had to finish church stuff and reconfigure the hard drive on the stupid old laptop and then work on our bicen paper. which i destroyed. in a good way. i really did spend two or three hours writing all over it, which i think is what we needed. today in class someone said something about how we spend too much time worrying about stepping on people's toes. and we do. so, at first i didn't want to correct or ask questions or say TRANSITION DAMNIT! but i ended up doing that because holding back will not allow our answer to get any better. so. AND i used red pen, which made me feel like an english teacher when i wrote things like "how? explain. develop" etc etc. anyway. i need to start my homework. and eat something. ramin maybe? ramin it is.

08:06 p.m. on Wednesday, October 19, 2005:

okay. i feel like i need to blog. because i blog every night. but nothing really happened. i didn't have any revelations or discoveries. we didn't do anything exciting in any of our classes. it was a pretty dull day. but tomorrow's thursday, and i have my senior interview, and i'm finally going to college. well, we hope.

11:26 p.m. on Tuesday, October 18, 2005:

"you know...it's like those party towels!"

10:32 p.m. on Tuesday, October 18, 2005:

edit: this is a very long entry. but after you read it you can laugh at me (or agree with me if you're like me) and my inability to deal with people who can't follow directions and things i didn't ask for

i know this is just me. and i know, at least i think, i got this way from being on yearbook - but i want things the way i want them. you know? i am so so so picky about the way my things look. little things. and jarboe and i discussed this at length last year. for example, remember when scott wrote "hi!" in SHARPEE!!! on my brand new notebook cover? i ended up cutting, yes cutting, that part of my cover out in a circular fashion and inserting a lime green index card behind it (on which i wrote what the notebook was for, and it looked cool...so i guess that turned out alright) but anyway. i know the way i want my notebooks to look. and hey, i'm anal about this. what prompted this long-winded entry is that i asked my mother to go out and purchase two binders, both black, one three inches, the other one inch. i needed paper and dividers. i asked for college-lined paper and preferably completley clear (and un-tinted) dividers. if they didn't have clear dividers, then white dividers with preferably clear tabs. if that also fails, then i guess colored tabs are okay. (i know i'm really insane about this stuff. i know. i just. need it that way. i can't explain it) so she hands me the bag. no paper. mom, where's the paper? you didn't ask for paper. yes i did. well, it's not on the list. mom, i wrote the list, it's on the list. well, they didn't have any. yeah right. staples doesn't just run out of paper. you just can't admit your wrong. okay. next. two binders - check. one blue. WRONG. one green EXTRA EXTRA WRONG!!! (if anyone can find anything worse than a dark green binder, shoot me) blue binder (WRONG!) is three inches - check. green binder (EXTRA EXTRA WRONG) is one and a half. mom, did they not have one inch binders? you asked for one and a half. no, i asked for one. well, you wrote one and a half. no, mom, i definetly wrote one. well, they didn't have any. oh. did staples also have no black binders? what? black binders, i asked for black. no you didn't. let me guess, mom, i didn't write black on the list. YES I DID! see here - see this word b-l-a-c-k. that would be BLACK! okay. we can return the green one. i can deal with blue. alright - two packages of dividers. i only needed one, but back ups are nice. wait. these aren't clear. WHY THE HELL DID YOU BUY ME BLACK AND ORANGE DIVIDERS WITH COLORED TABS? THAT IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I ASKED FOR? WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU FOLLOW DIRECTIONS? i thought they were cute. AAAAHHHHH! and i repeat, "AAAAAAHHHHHH!" i can not deal with orange dividers. i can't. i'm a pretty accepting person. i'm a nice person. but orange dividers? NEON ORANGE DIVIDERS? I DON'T THINK SO! then she gives me this look like it's my fault she bought all the wrong things and forgot the paper. (why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80?) sometimes i want to light my mom on fire. i love my mother. and we had a good day today. we never fight. i tell her everything. but what the hell is so difficult about clear dividers? forget graduating from college. hell, forget graduating middle school, what we need to work on here is basic literacy, ability to follow directions, ability to identify colors and numbers, ability to LISTEN! and ability to not be so stupid. maybe this is like the SAT thing, when i bring in like, ten pencils and align them in height order with the labels facing up. i like it that way. i need it that way. otherwise, i sit there thinking about how much better they would be if they were perfectly sharpended (which reminds me i lost my pencil sharpener and i desperatley need a new one) and arainged in height order. really people. orange dividers? so since i really need the three inch for bicen tomorrow, i am forced to keept these discusting black dividers. and am not even touching the orange ones. nope. sorry. you lose. do not pass go. do not collect two hundred dollars. DO NOT BUY ORANGE DIVIDERS!

10:23 p.m. on Tuesday, October 18, 2005:

okay - meetings that are scheduled to end at 9:15 DO NOT end at 10:00. that's not how we do things in the efficient world. anyway - i had to take minutes...actually i voluteered to take minutes. i was handed a huge laptop, which, when i turned it on, asked me if the date and time were correct the way computers do when they haven't been turned on in a while, and no, it was not correct. it is not 1998. at least last time i checked. (let's do the time warp again, eh?) so anyway, i need to start my homework. and seeing as it's 10:30, i am not allowing myself to go on aim. because i need to get my work done.

06:43 p.m. on Tuesday, October 18, 2005:

why am i in such a good mood? maybe it's because i've been listening to architecture in helsinki's the cemetery all day. and it's such a happy song despite it's title. maybe its because when i walked into chem lab i realized how much i love chem class. i told cayer - i walked in, and all of the sudden i had a huge smile on my face - cayer was toasting bagels - and i exclaimed, "cayer, i love this class!" then i hung out with jon until the rest of the class showed up. i've never spoken to him before, but he's so fun - he has no idea what's going on at all. maybe it was because i was in such a good mood that made me like him a lot. i have to confese, if i were cranky i'd get really mad at him. but lab was fun today. and chem class was fun today. really fun. and we did...i did (for the whole class) math in italian today. i love math! (except for when brag keeps randomly shouting out "X!" or "MINUS FOUR! SQUARED!") anyway. we got a ton done this afternoon at yearbook - i just got home, we were there (i just spelled there "thare") late. but we're doing so well!!!!!! and today b made me laugh. not once did i get mad or irritated. and she told some woman to tell her son to grow up. that was fun too. anyway. i have a BOT meeting in fifteen minutes, but i had to blog and say I AM SO HAPPY!!!! (and my mom is feeding me yellow rice tonight. I LOVE YELLOW RICE!) wow. someone kill me before this mood ends. i want to die like this.

06:25 a.m. on Tuesday, October 18, 2005:

cold. cold. cold. cold morning.

03:41 a.m. on Monday, October 17, 2005:

early. normally i go to bed... six hours before now. hmm. i'm going to be a train wreck tomorrow. but federalist papers are long. and the night is short. and i must read.

by the way. stars is playing at the iron horse wednesday in northampton. i don't know how i'll get there. or back for that matter. but i so desperatly want to go. there is no way. but oh how i wish.

11:20 p.m. on Sunday, October 16, 2005:

remember when we were at the movies and the zombies came and you rescued me and then my tooth fell out and you died?

09:54 p.m. on Sunday, October 16, 2005:

I AM NOT A DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE BROLLEY!

09:18 p.m. on Sunday, October 16, 2005:

sometimes there is nothing to say except "GET THE FREAKING LETTUCE OUT OF MY POT!"

08:13 p.m. on Sunday, October 16, 2005:

BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!! i can not contain my excitement. brian nominated this years yb as the best in the region. ALREADY! hah. amazing. AMAZING! i knew this book was going to win big time but i didn't know it was going to do it before the first set of proofs came back! i mean, we had our first deadline friday and we're already getting nominated. so cool. so very very VERY cool. i'm going to run around for awhile now.

07:47 p.m. on Sunday, October 16, 2005:

i think actually the smelly smell thing is from sponge bob. (and how does that make you feel?) that makes me feel irritated that i just quoted sponge bob. i'm sure he had perfectly good intentions when he said that. but i don't particularly want to quote him in my blog. sorry sponge bob.

anyway. listen to that wind. wind wind wind.

06:38 p.m. on Sunday, October 16, 2005:

what is this from, "i smell the smelly smell of something that smells smelly." that just popped into my head. maybe something with kristen? i don't remember.

essential question for english. what is mine going to be? i don't know. but i finished my college essay!!!! nice. 506 words. will just declared that blogging smells like showers. i like that. i guess it does. it's refreshing to blog. but! i'm so glad it's done raining. AND!!!!!! caroline is coming home for my birthday. i'm so excited. i never really get excited for my birthday because i never have a party and yeah i get things, but they are just...things. you know? it's fun, but nothing really exciting or happy happens on my birthday. caroline can't stay until monday, but she's staying the weekend, which is going to make this an excellent birthday. excelente. spanish. yo. speaking of foreign languages - my italian immigrant has yet to email me and my project based on this interview is due tomorrow. great. way to go italian immigrant. way to go.

RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (i'm not really angry. i just felt like typing something in capitals and that felt appropriate)

12:53 a.m. on Sunday, October 16, 2005:

look at the moon
i have a fear that i am turning into newland archer. i suppose every thing is technically better when imagined - that takes the rawness out of life, which may seem initally like a good thing - when you imagine things, nothing is ever awkquard or uncomfortable. but i guess it is that rawness which makes life interesting to live. if we could just fall in and out of different situations experiencing nothing but comfort and relief, than those feelings would soon mean nothing. maybe this is too deep for me at 12:56 in the morning. maybe i'll just continue to tell myself what to dream about before i fall asleep each night. even though i never get what i wish for. last night i drempt my teeth fell out - hardly what i was looking for.
and another thing, where have all the die-hard romatics gone? i guess this might be part of my newland phase...not phase...whatever. it just seems like when we were freshmen, we were in love with love. we cried at the end of movies. we thought anything with a happy ending was perfect. we thought any scene where someone was heart-broken was absolutley heart-wrenching. we had trouble making it through books when someone was being ripped appart by love. we cried along with them and broke along with them. three years later, i feel like i'm the only one still breaking.

07:03 p.m. on Saturday, October 15, 2005:

ahhhhhhhhh! no new mail. i need new mail. anyway. when we went to tyler house for dinner, well...wait a minute, rewind. ( i just proved to my dad that i knew how to sit in a chair...hurray for me) so we were going out for dinner and my sister and my mother left without my dad and me. (they had to get caroline a veggie burger for caroline and then go to tyler) so we (my sister looks like a tea cozy) went to tyler to wait for them. they have a handicap rail - so i decided to go up the rail one plank at a time. the planks are about three inches wide and there are 168 of them. so imagine me trudging up this rail three inches at a time. this girl walked around tyler and saw me and her face read, "oh...what...what is that weirdo doing? ooohhhh, i think she's handicapped. wow. and look at that poor man (my father) he has the patient of a saint. wow. i'm glad i'm not handicapped. i'm going to look away now. that's sad." so now people at smith think that i'm handicapped. hah. and i love my mucklucks!!!!!!!!! you're still jealous. and i still miss home. how am i going to survie college? it's not that i miss my home. because my parents are here with me. as is caroline. i see people over every weekend. but not this weekend. nooooo people. i miss you people!

04:58 p.m. on Saturday, October 15, 2005:

"i just happened to walk forty miles. Here's a twinkie. I'm going to walk the forty miles home now."

04:43 p.m. on Saturday, October 15, 2005:

natalie merchant headed 10,000 maniacs. i was unaware. once you hear them, you know it's her. and i just heard them. and knew it was her. noah's dove. good song. same mood as karma police. actually. better. so. i guess that's it. i miss home. i want to see someone from home. and i've only been gone a day. man i'm in a lame mood today.

03:41 p.m. on Saturday, October 15, 2005:

they have good apples here. we lost my dad. caroline and my mom are out looking for him. i am becoming soft. not texture wise - although i do think i'm quite soft texture wise - but i felt bad for a man who asked me for fifty cents on the street. so i gave him a dollar. my mother scolded me. this is why i would never be able to live here. or anywhere people would ask me for anything. because i would give it to them. because i have gone soft. maybe it's the rain. which has stopped here by the way. and now that it's gone, i wish it was still raining. i'm in a rain kind of mood. that and brown derbies. (karma police - oh yeah!) i recomend karma police today. that is my mood. and! i heard a song in the cedar chest (store) and i asked a woman who worked there what song it was and she had no idea. too bad. i think i'm going to google the lyrics that i remember. i'll update you if i figure out what it was. mmm for now though i just feel like napping. being warm. (i got some mucklucks. very very warm and comfy...i know you're jealous) and i realized yesterday that i wanted something else - but i can't disclose that. that would be weird. too bad though. if only if only the woodpecker sighs.

12:38 p.m. on Saturday, October 15, 2005:

mmmmmm northampton. i hope deadline went well - i had to leave early so we could get here in time. the one thing i don't like about northampton is that it is far away from trumbull. well, only 101 miles, but still. i feel like i can't blog because i'm not home - i feel like this is cheating. and i miss talking to people online. i mean, i can go on aim - i'm on caroline's computer, but i don't really have time. but, if i usually talk to you online, pretend i'm talking to you this weekend. that would make me feel better. and less removed from trumbull. anyway. were going shopping - ugh. sometimes i hate shopping. my mother just asked if i wanted to go shopping and so i said sure, and then she said, "okay, we'll go for a few hours..." hours? who can spend hours shopping? maybe i need shopping lessons. anyway. it will be fun. and its still raining so enjoy it while it lasts because apparently it is supposed to stop tomorrow. and tomorrow is dress shopping with samiya for junior cottillion. mmmmmmmhmmmmmm.

04:16 a.m. on Friday, October 14, 2005:

homework. it's early. and dark. and i keep sneezing. (okay, that was four in a row) and i had (sneeze) a dream that i had really ugly hands and i (sneeze) just wanted some lotion. (sneeze) it seemed really (sneeze) real too. i'm not being vain, but those were really ugly hands! (sneeze) i had huge!! hangnails, and if i had a hang(sneeze)nails, then that would change the direction that that finger went it...it's hard to explain. hey! i stopped sneezing! okay, i need to write papers.

07:00 p.m. on Thursday, October 13, 2005:

ahhhhhh bicen essays. i'm going to be here forever. anyway. i'm blogging for absolutley no reason. so if you read this, pretend like i had something profound to say, or mentioned something really interesting that happened that made you laugh. thanks.

02:27 p.m. on Thursday, October 13, 2005:

edit: i love paul mccartney. he puts me in a good mood. if you find yourself getting irritated, close your door, put on your pajamas and listen to maybe i'm amazed. because it makes you feel better. perhaps it will never be able to create the amount of love i'm feeling from these bicen essays, but it's close.

02:24 p.m. on Thursday, October 13, 2005:

i am going crazy. yearbook was yearbook. and then my mother insisted that we go to lunch afterwards (despite the fact that i don't have time for lunch today) and then, when i thought we were going home, she decided she had to drop something off at goodwill. okay. then lets go home. NO! we can't go home! we have to shop. i can't shop mom. i need to go home. i need to do my homework. please, just take me home. nope! i can sit in the car for an hour while my mother shops. good. that's good. i'm glad we have our priorities straight. on a lighter note, i wrote my college essay in half an hour this morning.

08:31 a.m. on Thursday, October 13, 2005:

who else has unit meetings like ours? even if the power goes out, we pull out our battery-powered lantern, our writing utensils and notebooks, re-write our paper in the dark by hand (ahhh, just like the good old days) and then sit under the covers talking about monsters and religion. and yes, we are crazy 25 (yes, 25) hours a day.

05:26 a.m. on Wednesday, October 12, 2005:

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE HIGHLANDER! FEDERALIST PAPERS CAN NOT DEFEAT ME!