i like cheese

29/05/02

10:31 p.m.

well i just got back from bowling. for leauge..one of the lains we were using..was broken and it took forever..then we bowled three more games..it was kinda fun. well i glad today was the last day of school today. tomorrow i might going blowing too. well i prob write later cause i plan to be on for a while..unless mah parents start being mean <_< thats normal

feeling..empty..

29/05/02

04:19 p.m.

you know i feel like shit..well its one of thoes days where you feel empty and like crap and nothing ish going to help..ok maybe a few rounds of competitive bowling should make me feel better..i hope..o_O; i really need to break something..well it is Wed..bowling dur. me, greg, and sean are going to stay late tonight..we gots three free games to play..but then i'll come home and feel like shit again..o fun.. gah mah head hurts...stupid...;__;

tonight..

28/05/02

08:49 p.m.

well this guy named Ken worked wif mah dad and he ish moving so we had him over for din din. he was going to get married to the korean girl, named Young Sun, that he met while he was there. and she couldn't come..then he called and said that he was bringing a girl wif him. we were naming off animals cause we know he wouldnt luff NE 1 other than her. and he come and there is Young Sun! i was so excited i've been waiting to meet her. and she brought gifts ^__^ i gots a change purse and a litte bag thing. and mum gots a purse and she letting mah borrow it *wink wink* hehe. i luff it its red. and all of it ish from korea ^__^ din din was great and we had chocolate pie for dessert mmmm. then we took pictures..o joy..i hate having mah pic taken...bah.

today..FUNNESS

28/05/02

05:52 p.m.

today was the best. well at first i had mah science final then i had mah japanese final and i gots to sit next to meggers YAY! then we had lunch together. i had a pound of tater tots and katsup..and me and meggers was loud and we went out side and we was saying shit and fuck like every other word it was great. and katie this girl from mah math class was like you cuss more than i do. me and meggers laughed are asses off..it was great..then she had to go ;__; waaaaa and i had a speech final which sucked ass. i got a 24..i think thats a B..but i not sure..o_O i hope so..gah..i need to lose weight cause i have to fit in mah dress for the wedding..well i fit but it could fit a little looser..its a tad but tight..not by much tho..lose a pound it might be better..but i am trying to lose 5-8 lbs.. well some people are coming soo and mah mum ish cooking some good shit and i am hungry

dream or vision..o_O?

28/05/02

05:10 p.m.

well last night i was laying in mah bed and i drifted into a half sleep and i have a dream/vision..well this is what happened.. i was laying on mah bed and i had a peice of glass in mah right hand. then i stabed mah self in mah left shoulder. i was out of it and i had been sitting there for a while just holdind the glass..then i kinda came back to and i screamed mah head off. mah parents rushed me to the hospital and they cleaned me up and gave me a sling cause they didn't want me moving that arm much. then the next day at school every1 was asking what had happened and it was making me mad..but i told all of them that it was nothing to go away and to some people i said fuck off. then i got asked more at lunch..i got so mad i stood on mah table at shouted to the whole lunchroom "look i fucking stabed mah self ok, thats why mah arm in a fucking sling. so now you can get back to your own fucking business and leave me the fuck alone" then i sat back down and every one shut up and left me alone....well then i really woke up and the strange thing was that i really wanted that to happen..i mean not the school thing but stabing mah self..i wanted it so bad..i wanted to lay in mah bed and drown in mah own blood...

stuff..

27/05/02

09:05 p.m.

well i always do this to mah self..always..god i need to stop. i am a bad person..i shouldnt even be alive.. dammit i hate mah self sooooooo much. ;__; oh bah..getting kicked off the puter now

quizzes

27/05/02

08:56 p.m.

well i took some quizzies and the scores were different than i expected... mah first quiz: the kiss quiz (which kiss are you most like) i was most like a soft kiss.. next the gay quiz (how gay are you) i was 60% o_O;;..next how evil are you..i was 40%. the sin quiz..*cires* i was the one that said if you are not over weight now then you will be..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i am cutting down on mah food waaa mah 108lbs must DIE!!!!!!!! ;__;. then i was on another site and i took the symbol quiz..i was a heart..o_O;

work..

27/05/02

04:53 p.m.

well today i worked at the house all day..man am i tired..well mah arm ish the most tired from holding that tree cutter thing. lets see here..last weekend me and mah dad cut the trees and he forgot to buy the stickers..and he would have to buy a lot..so today we were cutting all the branches into peices so they would fit into bags..;__; i gots a blister on mah finger from all that cutting and i was wearing gloves too. then i mowed the lawn..which wasnt so bad cause i talked to Shini the whole time ^__^...and baged up worth of cans..and i did some house work..gah -__-; but i got some money..^^ thats good ne? now i can pay for mah ticket to Anime Iowa YAY! i hope mah outfit comes out ok..i being Toshiya from Dir En Grey ^__^

o_O....

26/05/02

08:08 p.m.

well something strange happened..Shinigami started asking me questions..o_O; our convo.. Shini: Ash why do you hurt yourself mentally and physically? Me: Shini you know this crap why are you asking me.. Shini: I am going to ask you again and again until you give me an answer..so what if i know or not i wanna hear it..Ash why do you hurt yourself mentally and physically? Me: well cause it makes me feel better.. Shini: well thats the physically part..what about the mentally..? Me:..... Me: i don know..cause i do.. Shini: why you always hide how you really feel? Me: i dont... Shini: don lie Ash Me: i not tho..well sometimes i hide them..but soooo.. Shini: you are hurt by others but you hide it.. Me: so... Shini: <_< Ash.. Me: what.. Shini: maybe for once you should put your feels before others then maybe you wont be as hurt.. Me: i can't do that.. Shini: why not? Me: cause i...i just..am in the habbit of doing it.. Shini: well maybe you should stop that habbit.. Me: well maybe i can't Shini: but you NEED too.. Me: i don NEED to do NE thing.. Shini: gah..Ash this ish getting no where.. Me: damn striaght Shini:come on Ash..i am doing this for you.. Me: well i didn't ask you to help me. Shini: well i wanted to Me: well maybe you souldn't have... Shini: i know what he said hurt you.. Me: <_< Shini: i am not stupid.. Me: <_< Shini: would you stop that.. Me: <_< fine.. Shini: Ash.. Me: ok..ok.. Shini: thats better. Shini: you should get some rest, ne? Me: i havent even had din din yet.. Shini: well lets go it..it is 8:30 you know.. Me: yea yea..i not stupid Shini: i didn't say you were Me: gah lets got eat Shini: oki ^__^ Me: *grumble* <_<

tired..u.u

26/05/02

06:50 p.m.

well as i said before i felt really sick. well i was supposed to clean mah room cause mah bro ish coming to visit in a week and i was listening to mah Queen of the Damned CD..and i fell asleep o_O now thats how you tell something is really wrong..when i am sick..i sleep..and i fell asleep listening to that CD..ok nevermind. well i am still kinda out of it..tiredness.. blah and i still have to finish mah room ;__; i no feel like it..bah i wont..i have all day tomorrow..and the rest of later tonight..i have a feeling that since i took that nap..i wont be tired later..or maybe i just might be o_O

roar..meow

26/05/02

01:41 p.m.

well today i had to go get mah makeup done to see how its going to be for mah sister's wedding..i am the maid of honor. it took an hour and a half -__-; i feel so sick right now..gah i don know whats wrong. mum and dad are out at lunch..and i staying here and eating crackers..o fun..well its kinda nice being here by mah self..i like it when they not home..

eto..

23/05/02

08:34 p.m.

oh yea..to tell why i am agravated..well i didn't tell shaun about shinigami..and i told jerry. i didn't tell jerry about burning mah self..but i told shaun. and then i read jerry's od and found out he cut himself and shaun burned his arm...i am going to kick them so much..ooo and they are going to get a goooood lecture HAHA!

grr..

23/05/02

08:13 p.m.

well i just got done doing the dishes..reminder toself..don do the dishes when i am REALLY agravated.. i broke a bowl and droped the silverwere thing and silverwere was everywhere..-__-; well i fell asleep during finals o_O and when i was done too..damn i was tired. pain..;__; gah..no more HW haha..i have a english final tomorrow and i am done for the day at 9:30 YAY i think mum ish going to take me to Mondos yes!

itai..x_x

21/05/02

08:47 p.m.

well today for the first time mah chest hurt more than ever before. i thought i was going to die..i was having trouble breathing..right now its starting to hurt real bad again..;__; yesterday i went to the doctors..i hate the doctors..and of course nothing was wrong..and yesterday this guy form school came up to me and gave me a hug and his had went lower and lower and..whoa a little low..he was like hmm..ass i was like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...heh..<_<

feeling the burn on mah skin

19/05/02

04:58 p.m.

you know that pen thing is kinda nifty. since mum took away the sharp object that i was using and i don do knifes(too scary o_O) this works just fine. i didn't know you could burn yourself wif a pen. the things you learn from Jeff..haha. well right now i would rather die then see shaun suffer like this..he no doing too well...and there is nothing i can really do to help..and i am not much of a help NE ways... i am in so much pain right now..mah chest x_x itai.. and it doesn't seem to want to stop..;_; finals are coming x_X they start this week *dies* noooooo. i can't wait until school ish over tho..i've been ready for that for a while now..-_-; >_< PAIN *dies* ow..x_X

tonight

16/05/02
9:22 p.m.

well tonight mum and i went out for din din. it was nice. then we went to the mall and i got some new clothes and the Queen of the Damned CD and resevered a copy of Korns new CD that comes out in June YAY. <_< mum made me get the edited one..grr. well when i get the Korn one maybe she wont be there haha.

slide it across and feel the burn

16/05/02

03:21 p.m.

well today sucked..thats normal. i am listening to korn right now. i just heard them for the first time yesterday.. i like them. i am hungry..but i am not..i am weird like that. i just wanna stop..stop everything. stop going to school, stop getting up, stop moving, stop talking, stop thinking, stop hurting, stop breathing..just to stop. i wanna float in darkness doing nothing..forever..

bowling

15/05/02

08:57 p.m.

well me and meg were supposed to be on a team together for bowling but she didn't show. i was kinda mad but then greg showed up and he had to bowl by himself cause his team mate wasn't bowling anymore. so if meg can't do it at all i will be on gregs team. today was his birthday so after wards we played a game i could only play one cause then mum came to get me. the only prob about the bowling alleys is that the smoke kills me. and wif mah chest and all..it just REALLY hurts right now -_-

tired

15/05/02

03:44 p.m.

geez i don know what it is but i am sooooo tired. mah whole body hurts. mostly mah chest. i think mah body is slowly wearing out or somptin. today in gym we had to dance and i almost died cause i was dancing for the whole time like non stop -_- gah mah head hurts..need to go take some asprin..

stuffers

14/05/02

05:45 p.m.

well mah friend Peter, wrote a letter to his girl friend and he let me read it..i cried..-_-; yup i really did. he says i can interpit written things well. the frist time i did it he was really surprized cause i got every feeling right that he was feeling when he wrote that letter. ^^; right now i am talking to this girl from school named rachel on the phone. we are a project for english with Larry. well time to eat..

mah day..sorta

14/05/02

03:51 p.m.

nya..another day of feeling like crap. stupid dancing made mah knee hurt..i have bad knees..(it runs in the family)so i have to wear mah brace for a while and take some stuff to help the pain -_-; in studyhall the guy who sits a cross from me is strange. today he tried to burn me wif a pen. i didn't really care. and he couldn't get it. so i did it and it worked so he tried again and he got it..but it hurt more when i did it to mah self then when he did it..its funny he has a big ass scar haha. today i had to give a speech and i get really nervous and this speech was part of our final and you had to have a power point to go wif it too. but i got a B+ on it. thats so great YAY! mum taking me out to din din.

blah

13/05/02

05:47 p.m.

well meggers and shaun got into a fight. i hope its over..i not sure. i am feeling kinda bad right now..head in pain..and it hurts to breathe.. i think these things are becoming normal cause this is like everyday..just sometimes worse then others. today was weird. this one guy, josh, always makes fun of me..like everyday. mah friend cory said he would tell josh to stop because it was not nice and i don desevre it. and to day josh was nice to me. o_O its crazy. today in gym we started dance..o joy. god i thought i was gonna die..mah head was hurting so bad..x_x tomorrow i have to do mah speech..o joy..

Toshiya

12/05/02

08:07 p.m.

Toshiya from Dir en Grey is the best. he is like me..but he is a guy..tho he wears dresses sometimes..Shaun came back today. i missed him. hm..well this sux..i lost mah words..oh well..

sickness..

12/05/02

06:32 p.m.

well last night i was up until 4 something AM. this morning i woke up really sick. mah head hurt..and it still does ;_; i then i had to live by the toliet. -_- not fun. after throwing up twice i stayed in bed all day. i might cut mah hair..i mean cut it..like short. but i not 100% sure yet. i can't wait until the convention this year. i think i might go as Toshiya from Dir en Grey. he is so cool. he is mah fave ^^ and i took one of thoes who are you most like for Dir en Grey. and i was most like toshiya..YAY! i wish i could dye mah hair blue black..but mum prob wont let me dye it anything..

ok..ok..just one more..

12/05/02

02:20 a.m.

right now i am singing this song over and over cause its stuck in mah head.. "i'm a cucumber.. i'm a cucumber.. i'm a cucumber.. i'm a cucumber.. i'm a cucumber.. i'm a cucumber.. please dont take me to the pickle farm.."

2 am...

12/05/02

02:08 a.m.

well right now i am talking wif peter. he ish one o' mah friends. i still feel sick..as mentioned in mah last entry..-_- i know he was not feeling good either..i hope he feels better soon and him and his gf had a misunderstanding..but its all fixed now and i'm glad. i am not tired and its kinda bothering me..but then again not really..-_-; yep thats me. oh Meg we didn't call David...oops ^^; thats one weird guy. almost everyday he asks me if i wanna do somptin wif him..but i have to say no cause i know mum will say no..NE ways he is older than me and mum don know him..and i really don know him either..-_- hmm..yea..YAY shaun will be back soon..then he ish going to sleep and then i get to talk to him..YAY!

depressed..

12/05/02

01:10 a.m.

i am depressed..i don know why. i just feel all wrong. sometimes i hate feeling like this. well lets see here..its 1:12am...so shaun will be home in what 2 hours..i can't wait until he comes back. he better of had fun or i am going to be mad. i kinda need to talk to him..or Zelly. but none of them are on. and wif all this i feel REALLY sick..;_; i think i might throw up later..i have a bad feeling. and as usual mah head hurts..and so does beathing..why do we have to breathe..*falls over* x_x well its kinda quiet. its kinda bothering me. mum got me some new pants..-_- i needed some..and she made me try on dresses..damn i hate those even more now. mum wants me to get a new one for mah sister's wedding shower. o joy..i look bad in dresses..well atleast i think so..grr..oh well maybe if i am still up i will blab in a third entry for today..-_-

i think too much..

12/05/02

12:20 a.m.

sometimes you wonder what people are thinking in their heads..and even more if it is about you. i wonder what people think when i walk by..but i will never know. i sometimes wonder if they wonder about what i think in mah head about them. i don think much of other people. i think more about what they are thinking about me..but i don know if the things i am thinking are right..but i can't stop thinking..i think its bad. i think too much and think bad things. it sad what i think..but people make me think that way. i am alone a lot. sometimes thats good and sometimes thats bad. i can go crazy if i am alone and in need of someone..or i can be just where i want to be when i am bothered by too many people. thinking too much is not a smart thing for me to do..cause i think wrong..or so i am told. since when have all these things been happening. i am liked some..it seems, but not by many. oh well..i am not one for talking to a lot of people. in true form i am a loud person..but wif lots of people i never talk. i am quiet..almost hidden..

meanies

10/05/02

3:36 p.m.

i can't believe mah parents did this to me. i've been waiting 3 weeks to hang wif Meg outside of school and tonight we are going to her house(mine is not as fun). today someone at mah mum's work won two free tickets to the phantom of the opera and they gave them to mah mum cause they knew i've been wanting to go and they are only for tonight. i was so sad..and they were making me choose between Meg and tickets ;_; but in the end..i chose Meg. and i gave the tickets to mah parents. some might think that was stupid but to me it wasn't. see you tonight, after work meg.

stuff..

09/05/02

08:58 p.m.

well CSI is over and i feel like typing some more nonsence for ya. i get Meg to make me a layout cause i not very good at that stuff. i wish i had a job but mum wont let me. she has a rule for everything. can't do this..can't do that..geez why don you lock me in a box why dont ya. well lately i've been having some weird things going on wif me..almost everyday mah head starts hurting at some point..somethimes it stops and comes back..and then there is that thing were mah chest starts hurting and it hurts to breathe..but enough depressing shit. i can't wait until tomorrow cause me and Meg are going shopping and then we gonna hang at her house..the last time that happened we almost bruned the house down..well not really the kitchen was gettin a smokey cause we was cookin ^^; and we had to open windows and the door so it would go away before her mum came home..Meg is the best...hmm i think i said that in mah last entry..but its true ^^ yay i so glad tomorrow is friday..i've been waitin all week ^^; i hate school..the only good thing ish i get to see Meg and i have Japanese and study hall wif her..but its always fun ^^ YAY tomorrow is a study hall day. i only have study hall every other day *cries*

chii

09/05/02

08:31 p.m.

well since this is mah frist entry i will introduce mah self. mah name is Melissa but all mah friends call me Ash. i am 15. I live in Iowa. i am in to anime and drawing and stuff like that. hmm..sorry i am not typing much i am kinda sucked into CSI ^^ i luff that show. well mah best friend is Megan. mah friends are Shuan, Zelly and Jerry. i luff Meg she ish the best. i am like a little sis to her but really i am the older one....same wif Shaun..i am older than him too ^^; hehe..and get this..this guy i know..he ish in mah S.S and math class said that last year he had a crush on me..i was like O_O what?!?! and he was like yea..and at school it seems like no one likes me..T_T and now every1 in mah english class thinks i am crazy cause i was hyper one day...>< its all cause of that soup..the soup i say..ok maybe it was just me being me and the people at school are not uesd to that..heh well i must finish watching CSI