February 23 2010 Tuesday

MUSIC: Gaman - Tokyo Jihen |BOOK: The Witching Hour - A. Rice | KOI: Mattifoo~

R 101

★ FIVE things you wish you could say to FIVE different people right now: 1. I miss you. It's not the same here without you.
2. You're an immature, self-centered little prick.
3. You're boring me that's why I enjoy others now.
4. I have a secret slight crush on you. How weird is that?
5. You're so amazing and funny!

★ TEN things about yourself: 1. I'm too nice to stick up for myself.
2. I don't HATE anyone. I just dislike some people a little too severely.
3. I enjoy make up however I'm not too adept at using it.
4. I'm forced to take up Nursing. I'm not exactly happy about it but I get by.
5. I'm exclusive to someone 7 years older than me.
6. I have an insatiable craving for sweets (yeah gonna get diabetes one day)
7. I doodle, scribble, mess with drawings a lot
8. I cannot go on a day without listening to my music in my mp3 player
9. I have a chronic phobia with snails
10. I have a tendency to name my things... (of course I don't name my socks and underwear!)

★ SEVEN ways to win your heart: 1. Make me feel really good a about myself (give me honest & positive feedback)
2. Make me laugh a lot
3. Be at least somewhat attractive (nice clean long hands and teeth are always a plus)
4. Share SOME of my interests
5. You should always know what you're saying especially when we're conversing
6. Be a bit mysterious and eccentric
7. You don't have this mindset of tending to stereotype everything

★ SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot: 1. how to manage my time with the things I hate doing vs. things I love doing
2. the books I've been putting off - I want to read them through and through!
3. I WANT THIS SEMESTER TO END
4. money
5. my art
6. real life
7. the future

★ FOUR things you do before you fall asleep: 1. drink lots of water
2. internet internet internet
3. read some books
4. doodle

★ FOUR things you see right now: 1. my pink phone
2. the golden reindeer (which we named lord johnny chaplin) sir macky gave me in high school
3. a picture of my friends and I from high school at Abbie's place - circa 2006
4. A quote posted on my wall saying "This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time - Fight Club"

★ THREE songs that you listen to often: well according to iTunes my top three most listened to tracks are…
1. Fury - MUSE
2. The Con - Tegan and Sara
3. Nausea - BECK

★ TWO things you want to do before you die: 1. master walking in high heels
2. see the world

★ ONE confession: I haven't had sex? haha of course it doesn't bother me, there's always a time for anything.

February 22 2010 Monday

MUSIC: DOLLY - Hyde |BOOK: The Witching Hour - A. Rice | KOI: M

Desperately UnInspired

★ You know you’re Riza when:

★ You browse through websites with the paranoia that there are advertisements/ pop ups that come up and they feature snails *shudder*

★ You watched Inglorious Basterds for the 6th time simultaneously with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and still wish your love life was you’re Clementine and your man was Col. Hans Landa (yeah I know right?)

★ You are constantly having fantasies about ASkars being your clinical instructor in the most random moments.

★ You ate a frozen popsicle that was butter flavored. Yes, apparently such a thing exists and Richard gave me one yesterday and Bogs and I bawled in disbelief. IT WAS NOT CHEESE I TELL YOU! THE HORROR!

★ You dream of doing your nursing services one day to the Vatican, especially the Pope so you can have a chance—a minuscule of a chance—to infiltrate the famous Vatican library and breathe against the glass containers of Galileo’s exhibits. Yes, please!

★ You still enjoy observing people’s hands, for whatever reason and adore, adore knuckles so damn much ♥

★ You wish you had Quentin Tarantino personally pick your life’s playlist for you~ *sigh*

★ I understand its human nature to be creative and to be able to give a touch of a certain magic in everyday tasks—whether special or not. So, WHY DOESN’T IT WORK FOR ME? Do I go back to describing my menial daily life (again) just to prove a point why am I functioning this way? My firm belief is that art everyday for everyone everywhere is crucial for our evolution. Unfortunately, the luxury of time and art surrounding me is so limited and this beats me down. I have to get it together: I’ve yet to convince myself that I have an edge over everyone else, I have something that still needs to be tapped and something so promising, without theories and formal instruction backing it up. It comes naturally and I can use it and I WILL use it for my advantage and breathe it and work it and give it to them—every inch of my thought processes through my discourse and performance.

★ My environment cannot overwhelm me and thus cannot control and dictate what I would create as my art and go about aimlessly, with no definitely substance for the artist. Oh and these are sluggish, dangerous times for people like me. It’s a challenge not to fade, not to be irrelevant and have the guilt of wasting your inherent gifts and be run down by the crowd pulling you and bogging you up, inside out. This should be me—or rather this will be me: someone who’s work reveals things about herself and have a such a keen awareness of the environment she’s in and control it and what she will create and how *sigh*

★ … I feel disappointed and stupid and horribly uninspired. This semester is indeed exciting but so far my results of my performances are insipid. I wrote about how this semester, this new one, would produce positive changes: in habits, moods, attitudes, place and place. And now, the timely release of my midterms results showed how poor I did in fulfilling my goals. Based from the results, my security in the pilot section is lost and I don't like myself very much at this point.

★ And now, I’m gathering bits and bits things that felt raw and bright and bursting to me even if it means nostalgia, random stupidity and painful and embarrassing recollections. I wish this would reflect on my academic performance and that my professors would notice the shift in my dynamics and this would really be a smooth and necessary turn from redundancy.

February 15 2010 Monday

MUSIC: Byrn - Vampire Weekendl |BOOK: The Witching Hour - A. Rice | KOI: M

New Anime Rave: DURARARA!

★ I have to admit there’s been no new anime releases that has piqued my interest for a while now and I found it in good timing since I’m very busy with school requirements + thesis + hospital duty for 6 days in a week. Anime keeps me calm and collected for the most part, which is until the subbing takes too long especially for the new releases since I don’t have much patience for things like those (I end up bawling—my fandom is not THERE!). BUT~! I seem to have overlooked some releases during the winter season of 2010… Oh yes, definitely did overlook one anime release--デュラララ!!!

★ Dyurarara (デュラララ), which began airing in Japan on January 2010, combines a pretty interesting set of characters: a Dullahan (an Unseelie/ malicious headless faerie) working as an underworld (the gangs, mafias, etc. not the literal underworld = hell) ‘delivery man’ in the Ikebukuro district of Japan; a country bumpkin who longs for an exciting life; a mysterious and dangerous internet-based group called the Dollars; a bartender who epitomizes violence; an Russian sushi seller of African descent—to name a few. The plot and chaos and mystery of the anime unfold and revolve around these strange characters and basically I’m hooked to actually see where all this craziness is going.

★ And so far, after seeing only 5 episodes (English subbed ) I’m pretty much interested of the plot twists and the eventual answers to my questions because believe me this anime displays effective story telling techniques. I’m all for anime series that has a good storyline and an even better way of telling it. Dyurarara has been very consistent: it always brings you a lot of intrigue and questions for every episode but it doesn’t over confuse you nor does it leave you at that critical point where you’re frustrated and tired of over-thinking nor does it demand you to over-think the events in the episodes. It keeps you entertained and keeps everything light and full of humor at the same time. From the first episode, it didn’t give you a full blow by blow serving of what the whole series would be like that you feel overwhelmed; heck, it didn’t even give you much of an idea and I personally found it difficult to pin point what IS exactly Dyurarara. It was a carefree but steady start, with the story line being given to you to work with it, leaving you lots of room for speculations and time to ship haha~!

★ I enjoy Dyurarara’s characters very much as well. The protagonist, Mikado Ryugamine, is our country bumpkin protagonist—very loveable, the quite type but not necessarily the soft spoken one and he has strong convictions, I can tell. There’s also something amiss about him though it’s not necessarily negative but I think there’s a big surprise coming from him. There’s also the bartender I mentioned: Shizuo Heiwajima and you just gotta love an impulsive guy like him who throws fridges and vending machines just like throwing paper on a waste bin. Oh and Dr. Shinra~! ♥ What a piece of fabulous work that guy is—a doctor working for the underground Ikebukuro scene, interesting, cheery, eccentric, secretly perverted, romantic with almost 23 years of surgeon experience (his surgeon daddy made him disembowel someone at the age of 4)! SO KYOOOOT!

★ UHUM~ So yes, I’m definitely following and blogging about this one. This is a good change of routine for me: getting some anime (finally!) into my daily tasks once again. I was planning to keep busy with my readings but since this showed up, hmm… it wouldn’t hurt to allot time for new fandom wouldn’t it? Besides, this will distract me from Hetalia for just a while since I’m not updated with the episodes yet (are they still on hiatus?).

February 12 2010 Friday

MUSIC: Scarlet - Art School |BOOK: The Witching Hour - A. Rice | KOI: M

PROPER UPDATE

★ I’ve retreated to a long afternoon nap a while ago to get away from the feeling of stress and being out of sorts. It’s been a exhausting week and I believe it has been taking a toll on my gastro-intestinal processes which results in numbing stomach cramps and watery stools (you probably didn’t need to know the last part but yeah it happened). Hello, hello—there’s been no proper update for the longest time since school has been plaguing me (but hey, what’s new anyway?) and my minute joys consist of listening to music. What a numbing life of academia—except for hospital duty days—but oh gods, both are exhausting! I have a colossal list of books (non-academia specifically) waiting for me to read them. God I swear *shakes fists* THIS WEEKEND BREAK IS GONNA BE ME + MY BOOKS (+ movies)!

★ Duty at Elsie Gaches Village: I would not describe specifically and by event the experience but I have to honestly say it’s the most fulfilling experience yet. You have not lived yet until you are assigned to Elsie Gaches Village or any place of this sort for that matter. Dealing with a whole community (a massive one at that) with mental retardation, Down syndrome, cerebral palsy and interacting with them on various levels—that is something that you’d take with you for a long time. It helps you gain plenty, not just professionally speaking but just as a person surviving and getting a chance at life like everyone. And besides I get to play in a playground (with my clustermates & clinical instructor haha) for the longest time since… forever!

★ Kissbone: lately I’ve been hanging out with my friend Pep’s band Kissbone, which is great because I need a new people in my life and lately my social life has been limited and too ‘constricting’ to say the least. My very excited about their new projects especially their upcoming album and the gig they’re going to have at our school’s foundation day. Please check them out!

★ School: exams = never mind. Ended up shading mostly letter ‘c’ based on the ‘Rule of Averages on Multiple Choice Questions’ and I’m not sure it has done me much on my NCM examinations. There’s also the upcoming foundation week, which actually sucks so much because that would be a lot of activities including that blasted parade which includes floats, which are time consuming papier mache devils that they are. And for the record, I have to say as the journey goes on… this definitely makes me realize this course is not for me.

Playlist: The Alabang Bus Rides Mix

★ Elsie Gaches Village is located at the Alabang area and that’s damn far from where I live and even my mother is complaining so she settled for having me commute instead of driving me there (the toll fees mainly are the reason for that). I have no problems with commuting at all but you really don’t have much energy left after an 8 am to 5pm affair at such a draining place. You’re prone to sleep at the bus and probably get really nasty looking bruises from small accidents (like me).

★ You’re riding a bus that goes on really fast and doesn’t even dare stop at humps and go even fast once it reaches SLEX, of course that’s thrilling especially if it’s an ordinary bus with open windows and all the dirt of Manila blowing into your face.

January 20 2010 Wednesday

MUSIC: Flower - L'Arc en ciel |BOOK: Childhood's End - A. Clarke | KOI: M

A BIBLIOPHILE's MOMENT

★ I keep forgetting to blog about this. NEW BOOKS = ABSOLUTE . It came, I came, it was all good that way haha~ Believe me the contents of the Barnes & Noble box keep me so happy just by looking at it (I go home tired, go to my room and just open the box on my bookshelf and voila!) I haven’t been in the best of moods lately (school stress = FAIL) and knowing me, the mere presence of good books to read make everything worthwhile.

★ My brand new books include: Nine Stories by J.D Salinger, Biting the Sun by Tanith Lee, Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynn Jones, A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess and The Infernal Desire Machines of Doctor Hoffman by Angela Carter All of these books made me hoard bookstores (Fully Booked, National Bookstore, Book Sale, Books for Less, etc) and their respective branches except Howl’s Moving Castle which is available at Fully Booked branches. And now—they are all mine! My cousins Ate Mench and Kuya Bob are so brilliant!

I DID A SICK, SICK THING TO MY LOVE: a poem generated by a meme

★ NOTE: This entry was posted on my Facebook account way back and I found this so amusing so I decided to re-blog this :) I do love answering these memes. I never get tired of it ever I love Val, Bet & Diane for tagging me to do this. This is a combined effort of my favorite artists currently included in my iPod XD

★RULES: 1. Put your music player on shuffle
2. The first lines of twenty songs = a poem
3. The first line of the twenty-first song is the title

I DID A SICK SICK THING TO MY LOVE

Red eyes and tears no more for you my love I fear
An introverted kinda soul,
Kill me if you dare
We'd be so less fragile
Bored holes through our tongues, so sing a song about it
If I could hold, hold out for now
I'll be your water bathing you clean
I won’t stand in your way
I'm home alone tonight
Come waste your millions here, secretly she says
Freedom and blood
I listened in, yes I'm guilty of this
Spin your body around
Please leave all overcoats, canes and top hats with the doorman
Sucker love is heaven sent
When I first laid eyes on you
You don't understand me
She's so cold and human
When our mouths are filled with uninvited tongues of others
You could be my unintended

★ I don’t know what to make of my results with this meme but all I can say is that this poem is very me—not because of the circumstances that you could infer from the lines (hmm…) but the while gritty, angst atmosphere of it. Apparently I’m very into passionate, tough, choking love (and lust… could be... When our mouths are filled with uninvited tongues of others). You tell me. Try this! Would you try to guess the songs and the artists used in this generated poem?

January 11 2010 Monday

MUSIC: Ash - ELLEGARDEN |BOOK: Lasher - A. Rice | KOI: M

GREAT, just fucking great

The past few days turned up to be an unbearable drag and such leaves me more fidgety, a little bit more restless and wistful. I’ve been mall hopping and spending to satisfy my restlessness and impulsive crave (among other things) which ended me spending more than I should. Those instances resulted in a cream colored bubble dress (which I love), an epic black blazer which brings me the feeling of instant masculinity and security and…

Make up, which my cousins bought me from the US. It's so cool that they always buy me make up every time they arrive without me asking for any. Lancôme Paris & Estée Lauder are brilliant brands.

Surprise! I actually bought a planner for myself! I’ve been into planners for the most of my high school days and stopped once I entered college and that was until now. It’s one of those Korean planners with a different design for each page. EPIC DEAL.

★ Unfortunately the attempts to distract myself lately have been futile. I FUCKING MISS TATAY. I have to see him now na, please? As in now na? I’m not in a very good disposition lately especially since I’m realizing it’s another year and we’re all supposed to be together in one house pestering each other, laughing silly all together and fucking doing what our family usually does. I’ve tried my hardest to be involved in school, with my friends, with people, with a whole lot of things, with weird crap news, hospital duties, weird antics and tried my best not to be in such a low miserable rut (which I am in right now). And you just know at the end of the day from now on you won’t be seeing him in the car’s passenger seat accompanying Nanay to pick me the fuck up. And I know and hear and probably will hear all this crap from people saying: it’s gonna be okay, he’s in a better place, his death was peaceful, he’ll be watching over you, you can’t cling on to him like that it will make his passage more difficult and bloody fucking fuck fuck blah blah. This is just the worse feeling right now and I know it will come to us some time but for me it’s now and it just sucks so much.

January 10 2010 Sunday

MUSIC: Koukasen - ELLEGARDEN |BOOK: Lasher - A. Rice | KOI: M

THINGS THAT R LOVES

KICK ASS trailer | must watch this haha Red Mist

♥ adorable planners from Korea at a reasonable price | ♥ M's laugh, which always puts me in the best mood whenever I hear it | ♥ The way M says "ass" because it always sounds like "arse" | ♥ my clustermates-- I've never had groupmates (apart from my close school friends of course) like this and we actually complement each other on a lot of things! It's a brilliant coincidence! | ♥ holding conversations in my head | ♥ my new mp3 player Circe, which holds 4gb & she has a screen! | ♥ book deals and unexpected book finds in unexpected places | ♥ Christoph Waltz -- that man is basically an epitome of class & basically excites and captivates me | ♥ Quentin Tarantino & Inglorious Basterds *sigh* THANK YOU! | ♥ Tay visiting me in my dream today | THESE COLLEGE COURSES wow~ just... wow | ♥ my new alias as local psycho witch in Overlord's court: Vesper Esalaeris, the Marquessa of Vermillion Mirages | ♥ the awesome fucking friends at school-- make my day extra surreal & twitch-y & happier | ♥ "gender bender" conversations with the boy & fighting after & laughing about it much later | ♥ HAHA this made me LULZ~ I'm a Gemini and I remember some close friend of mine described me the same way as how the Gemini is described here WHUUT | ♥ my shoulder bag with the Union Jack on it | ♥ garlic bread (I can never have too much of it) | ♥ Etude House which satisfies the girly cravings for make-up & their products works well with my skin! | ♥ Attack of the Show | ♥ Morbid Anatomy's christmas greetings! haha It always cracks me up whenever I remember this | ♥ going back to my j-rock roots: mmm~ L'Arc en ciel, Dir en Grey, Gackt, the Gazette, Alice Nine, Baroque... | ♥ my digital copy of Suehiro Maruo's "The Rose Colored Monster" ~ always gives me the kicks whenever I crave crackpot/ visionary/ surreal Japanese mangas

epic BAMF! Gilbo~ own me you sexy raping stomping, parading, warrior, dork beast! :))


PRUSSIA & DENMARK IN ONE PHOTO! EPIC GOLD!

♥ fuck. I really, really, really miss Tatay. fuck talaga.

January 6 2010 Wednesday

MUSIC: Gravity - Sara bareilles |BOOK: Lasher - A. Rice | KOI: J

INTO YOUR GRAVITY

★ New movie featuring Louis Garrel as a teacher. French movies + Louis Garrel + teacher roles = deadly combination. Check it out here

★ O HAI ORSINO IN FACEBOOK (it’s only now that that the whole thing sunk in when a month has already passed). You were the unintended focus of my attention a year ago. Yup, those were definitely the days.

Word's on the streets and it's on the news:
I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you
He's got two left feet and he bites my moves
I'm not gonna teach him how to dance, dance, dance, dance!

★ I have a new mp3 player. I’ve named it Circe (out of a whim). It’s apparently 4 GBs and can store videos and pictures as well. The verdict? Sorry, looks like I won’t be letting go of Madeleine (my purple iPod shuffle) after all. Circe has some… cons. No exactly the total package but hey, she has a screen and a lotta size for my music. And nope, unfortunately Circe is not Apple but an Arcsoft child.

★ Fine educators, where are you?

★ My sister apparently told me to stop reading books other than nursing books while I’m still studying. And I was so ticked off reading that from the e-mail. Does she want me to follow Tatay months later?

Didn't mean to do you no harm,
I just underestimated my charm.
And if I ever bother to tell you the truth,
oh, baby, you're too much sugar
for my sweet tooth.

★ I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

December 31 2009 Thursday

MUSIC: Exogenesis: Symphony: Part 3 (Redemption) - MUSE |BOOK: Lasher - A. Rice | KOI: M

2009: R's Year in Retrospect

★ 2009 was a year of many accomplishments, the ones which involve this whole nursing gig because despite hours of standing and running about in the areas I was assigned to with my calves burning, refreshing my mind over and over again to properly read a book to pass cut throat exams (especially the GNQE), me desperately hoping for some distractions, the headaches, sleepless nights, burning eyes (and soul) at the repetitive tasks… I AM ALIVE AND WELL. No seriously, for those of you who know me well and were with me when these crazies happened, you saw my sour façade winning over my extensive patience or the moments of pure randomness bought about by the process of losing yourself in the ghastly process of academia (especially when forced into it). In the end of it, the mere fact I haven’t slumped to the lowest of the low in terms of dignity and pride, motivated me so much more for the future I envision for myself.

★ 2009, for me, was basically a ball of excitement of the glimpses of each possibility that was being offered to me and yet again finding my own niche after feeling so ‘misplaced’ from my world of comforts (the ‘re-sectioning’ thingy that happened this school year). And of course the where will my 2009 be without the uncertainty and the potential for disaster in everything.

★ 2009: the time when a long lost feeling came to me that I felt so reckless, emboldened and I practically glittered for the sake of love or the illusion of it. It proved to me yet again how unchanged I am in that area.

★ 2009: The year I was teetering close to murdering my intact good self since I was so disillusioned with everything around me including my self. The disappointments, what ifs, false hopes, and ghosts that mock and continue to haunt me in the blur of consciousness and everyday waking. The daydreams pile up and despair was close but apathy was coming faster. Disenchantment of life, which was a dreadful time because I was losing the bright eyed excitement for my environment and it became difficult to look for those flashes of inspiration and it took more convincing to do so. I was so tired.

★ My father’s passing though sad (until now) was the jolt I needed. Time was running and I have to run with it. It shouldn’t be that every grand dream and ambition I have for myself seem so far away; it was me distancing myself from it because I flailed to miserably when life bites. I HAVE TO WANT IT… rather, I HAVE TO NEED IT; I NEED IT. To this coming New Year, this coming decade, I am taking with me a self that I carefully and almost failed to protect from cynicism, regret, loss and misanthrope. As I said, I would face the field of life, piece by piece.

★ Oh my friends, my darling, darling friends, all of you I LOVE YOU! The faces, smiles and gestures and adventures you gave me that make life what it is—that make my life what it is! I’m so blessed to have met the most brilliant visionaries/ artists/ musicians/ future nurses/ crazies/ dancers/ life enthusiasts/ drama queens and kings/ pseudo lovers/ lovers/ beautiful boys and girls as my friends in this stretch of life that share with me moments and interactions that threaten to explode with happiness. I LOVE YOU.

Welcome the New Year with untainted hope with confidence and enthusiasm that seeps through our every step and every word! Allow ourselves to fall in love as if it was the first time and drive to our ambition and dreams, no longer just words, but something so clear and tangible. Happy New Year!

December 30 2009 Wednesday

MUSIC: Exogenesis: Symphony: Part 2 (Cross-Pollination) - MUSE |BOOK: Lasher - A. Rice | KOI: M

FUCK YOU I AM RIZA!

★ For several days, you lay on your bed or sit in the chair downstairs in the corner of the living room and heard tears, the telephone’s ceaseless ringing, hot water pouring from a pewter pot for coffee for a little perk up to be up and about. You think: why not just lie there and rot, catching dust, pale and your voice choked in—it is so EASY. A picture of a wreck, time and tears vicissituding around you and this feeling: surging, cool, sliding and distant. Or simply pass on and be carried with the air, thrown off to some limbo in the far nebulae. All of it in its tempting languorous ease. By squandering off a good number of words, by this time you should be able to peer into me for the past number of days I’ve been absent in this virtual home.

★ The sudden passing of my father brought about certain anxieties (among other things) I’ve been keeping for a good number of years. I’ve recently lost a surprisingly vital aspect of the familiar comfort I cling to for my dear life and now come in the sensations of being shrunk and dulled. My mother and I know it, (despite not talking about it) of this state wherein we are wrinkled: all those rainbow extensions of our dreams and spirit lost luster, the colors blanching out. It’s been quite a challenge not to succumb to ease of not fighting.

★ I along with my mother have been terribly exhausted from the events that followed the 23rd and for 4 days since my father’s burial, we have been preoccupied with making the necessary arrangements and the cleaning up that needs to be done. We’ve recently rearranged the set up of the master bedroom, sorted out all the junk and of course, Tatay’s things. We were cautious in every decision we had to make because it was his memory that was riding on this. It’s been a long 4 days for us and I felt exactly how I described it when I began to write this. You could see me sitting, mindlessly channel surfing on the telly, then Channel V comes up and then I hear—

Don't give up the fight You will be alright
'Cos there's no-one like you In the universe
- Invincible by MUSE

★ It’s brilliant how the forces of the Cosmos speak to you and it so happen it speaks to you through the best medium to talk some sense into you. Oh Muse, where will I be without your music?

★ As I always say, I only have myself and this self would last me until the end. How unperfect, awkward, indecisive, tense… I have a good self and my ‘murderer self’ as I would like to call it. My ‘murderer self’ would kill me, kill my good self, demanding that it be a paragon, an ideal and saying it should run away if it is anything less. Life is a series… no, rather it is a painful trial and error sequence we have to through and no one escapes it. From that point on I’ve witnessed and felt death and the loss of a life not yours come so painful to you and how time does waste all of us: I will doggedly do my best and know it for that, no matter what others say! I will learn with life (this is me humbling myself, getting back with a few basics), with pain trial and error. I have a responsibility, not merely a job or an obligation but something I instinctively gave myself: a responsibility to my family and most importantly to myself. This is something that others face with groans or with joy or dogged determination or maybe with disdain. But they face it and here comes the New Year round the corner and it would mark my first active facing of life and responsibility.

★ My fight is always with me—my murderer would want me to run away, screaming, if I’m going to function with flaws. It wants me to think I am nothing. But here I am: a person who gets tired, fallible, has shyness to fight still standing. Facing the field of life, piece by piece rather than running from it the minute it hurts… that I would be able to do if I get through the New Year beating down my own murderer whenever it comes up.

★ Here’s comes R: a little more ruthless, a little more busy in her mind, calculating, quelling the insanity that moved up several inches, maintain a calm front and fighting it all in the precincts of her own self. Here’s to: facing life on our own terms and making the best of the “jobs” we have, NOT to flee from life and ruin ourselves because we can never be perfect right away, without failure and the pain.

P.S: please excuse the "FUCK YOU I AM CAT" photo. The epicness of it was so appropriate of how I felt when things finally dawned to me. LOLCATS are so convenient at times like this.

December 29 2009 Tuesday

MUSIC: Unforgettable - Nat King Cole feat. Natalie Cole |BOOK: Lasher - A. Rice | KOI: M

I GET A KICK OUT OF YOU

★ My father passed away on the morning of the 23rd of December. It was too late when we saw him: he seemed comfortably propped up with a pillow, on my parent’s bed, with his eyes closed (forever). And to touch him and feel his cold skin, to hear his lack of breathing and feel no pulsating vigor at all up until the attempts to revive him at the emergency room—that was the most painful thing I’ve ever felt in my life. My Tatay, 84 years old… so damn early! And as I write this, I stumble at the words to say; me breaking through the barriers, in great pain and yet another shell of the so circumscribed understanding of a comforting existence is shattered. My hands could not catch up to the stream of words and the flooding cathartic tears that would not stop. These tears that angle for life, hope and comfort even as my Tatay is somewhere across this plane of existence (the Roman Catholic Heaven, Elysian Fields, Fiddler’s Green, etc.) making his journey, away, away, away…

★ I don’t need “escape”, I need rest. My Tay would not have wanted this—he would demand or rather pester me to get my shit together and attend my school and get proper grades and make him proud, his eldest and only girl. His pestering, I miss the most. The passenger seat at the car, it would be empty whenever my mom drives me to school and duties and picks me up and he would always, always be there. It was like that since high school and it would be like that till I graduate from college. Until, well… My (split) personality, my Nanay tells me, I got from my father: the extremes of his intolerable cruelty and shrewdness versus his most gentle, generous and vibrant countenance—these characteristics she loves best and made her fall in love with him.

★ My life with my Tatay: who was he? The reflection of life more often takes the form of reflection on human existence, which I believe and by human existence I would mean ‘it’ being a limited and contingent, ungrounded and thrown in into our world without any justification. By experiencing death (the loss of my Tatay) my interest in death come double-fold. Death illuminates the concrete existence of an individual—helping us understand what is limited, unique, problematic or precious in this existence. On the other hand, our concepts of the nature of the person, of concrete life, can illuminate the event of dying. Complementary and by this event, comes a paradox: a painfully comforting realization on my relationship with my Tatay.

★ He was so difficult at times and I carefully nursed rage at him for being such an imposing authoritative figure, the “coercive silver spoon” (one of the metaphors I use to describe him in my journals). But in the end I love him too much to hate him for the rest of my life and Tatay being such a difficult person was important in the end. He taught me strength (I learned that the hard way but the best way), tolerance and acceptance, expanding my own ego and accepting other’s perspective on life but still this took some time because his ego was so big and so was mine and we pushed each other so much until it hurt. The most important gift he gave me was giving my mother a good life, the best life she could ever ask for (she said) and thus, we were all safe under his comfort, no matter how he was sometimes a bully, how annoyingly perky and frustrating he was. I miss how noisy he was, how insistent he was on everything, how he gets surprised whenever someone sneaks up on him.

★ On the day he left us, I was supposed to make his Christmas gift, if I couldn’t find/ buy one in the malls. A collection of his favorite songs from the early 40s to 70s though I ended up pooling only a few songs that were close to his heart specifically the 50s songs (post WWII). These are the songs I grew up to with him and they would always be timeless for our family (especially for my mom since most are their love songs for each other) and he’s got a fine ear for music, describing Perry Como's, Frank Sinatra’s and Nat King Cole’s voices as creamy like café lattes and with such apt styling and power and even “bawat kanta nila may mas malaking range of emotions lalu na ang enthusiasm nila sa bawat kanta, rining mo ba yun Joy (me)?”

★ Tay, later palitan ko na lang yung Chupa Chups mo sa altar ha? Strawberry naman. I love you.