May 26 2009 | Tuesday

MUSIC: Engine Driver - The Decemberists
BOOK: Cryptonomicon - N. Stephenson | KOI:

♔ R.R.J.L.M = ♥ ♔

♠ I fell asleep too early last night with Kuorichi (my computer) left running until 2 am and I was supposed to write a longer blog entry for yesterday. But anyways, I just came from my lovely best friend’s homely home, full from dinner that consisted of lasagna and beef stroganoff pasta that’s shared with other lovely friends. I love them as my other family; we’re not perfect as this ‘family’ and I never expect us to be. Individually, we don’t claim each one of us as a “single world”, a “single entity”. But it’s so wonderful how when we get together, we take what each one of us could give each other and from that we build our own world. I love that sense of companionship.We are so silly, with spastic and asthmatic laughs. These are my brothers, but we could interchange our roles as family members: they could be “moms” one day or I could be that “mom” and they could be so fatherly or we could all be “babies” one day and annoy the hell out of each other with our petty fights. Then we’d fall asleep on each others' shoulders and be safe like that.

♠ HWEE~ Aww bords, Miah, Leo and Mikeru (all of you individually mischievous and precious, as cheesy as it may sound)~ And as much as Mikeru doesn’t want me around (he almost pushed me at the stairs tonight), we’ll be hanging out after a few days again ♥

♠ And a quote that we all love for today: “ang kasiyahan ng aso ay nasusukat kung gaano siya napapakinabangan ng amo niya” 8D

♔ PHOTOGRAPHY: SUMMER BLOSSOM ♔

♠ I love this photograph taken by Natalie. The color saturation and composition are wonderful and it reminds me of summer.

♔ FRED FLARE, NEW PINK BOOKSHELVES, ETC. ♔

♠ Once again, I’ve been lurking about Fred Flare.com and I always end up drooling. Would someone get me things from Fred Flare on my birthday?! Their stuffs are so cute, darling, quirky and one-of-a-kind and I do hope they ship internationally. But if they do, I’m sure shipping something from them all the way here is too expensive. But still they have extraordinary things with happiness in the form of wearable cupcakes and bacon strip bandages 8D Check out their accessories section because it’s so much LOVE!♥

♠ I’m more in love with my room now. It still hasn’t changed with the clutter but I have to say it looks less cluttered now. There’s two new bookshelves in my room because the first two bookshelves can no longer hold my books and my mother understands how I’m concerned that my books are cramped in that limited space. The bookshelves are colored pink and when my mother told me that of course I annoyed since she knows how I’m not that fond of pink. But then it goes well with the color scheme of my room. As of now they have been filled (the other one still has empty cubicles, so if I ever buy more books they have a place to go to).

♠ This quiz tells me I’m from Uranus and how I’m “like to make people think because you realize that life is always changing”

♠ And this other quiz tells me that I’m called a Dowered Master when it comes to Lucid Dreaming. I’ve always thought I tend to remember my dreams more, with specific details (conversations, colors, the weather, and the textures like rough blankets, sharp rocks on the ground, sweaty skin, etc.) than most people and I’ve always liked that since I have a lot of interesting dreams.

♠ And this quiz tells me that I have a “Transmetropolitan” world as to which Imaginary World fits me. The Transmetropolitan universe is described as “…futuristic earth of Transmetropolitan. The City is an... interesting place to live, full of opportunity and brutality, bliss and suffering, intelligence and depths of ignorance unimaginable”. And the happenings involved in such world are: “try on a new body for a day, or a week? Want to drink and smoke and do drugs beyond your wildest dreams without any real negative effects (think "anti-cancer prescriptions")?... AHAHAHAHAHA~

May 25 2009 | Monday

MUSIC: Niji - Ellegarden
BOOK: Cryptonomicon - N. Stephenson | KOI:

♔ FINALLY SUMMER! ♔

♠ Expect a long entry as I haven’t blogged for the longest time this month. And as I’m able to blog once again, this just means I’m free of my summer ‘responsibilities’ which is being a decent student giving satisfactory academic performances this summer term. Summer classes ended last Saturday and what a way to end the one and a half month affair with exams that racked your brains out. The initial response as soon as the exams were over was that “acccccch I FAIL” feeling but oh well. I’m more concerned with the prospect of summer vacation and the remaining two weeks would be very busy for me! Despite the extreme heat, I will bask in this summer period and spend it the way it should be spent! HAH!

♔ POLYVORE: THE COVETED SUMMER OUTFIT ♔

♠ I’ve put together an outfit a few weeks ago (when I still had free time) which I love to dress up in especially since its summer. I love every single thing in this set especially the lace ruffle top and the Chloé blazer 8D The Manila weather is getting weird and it’s the unbearable kind of weird since the changes are definitely felt and drastic. Walking under the sun with this set indeed looks fashionable but it’s impossible not to break a sweat while wearing this and have the slightest look of disdain and discomfort in your face because of the humidity. It ruins the look. GHED! And that’s why I wrote an entry about how we could be aware of geoengineering (and under this includes the topic of global warming)… But anyway I’m rambling again. Once again, this outfit is very adorable :D I do wish I could pull off something like this in real life~ haha

Untitled by abyssinian featuring Forever21

♔ WHAT ENSUED AT SUMMER SCHOOL ♔

♠ Let me narrate to you briefly the summer term. At the end of it all, I never expected to enjoy it but I did enjoy it and I’m quite alright with the people at my class. They’re rather… darling and very charming especially when it comes to a scholastic sense. They have this innate quality that professors are able to gravitate towards them that it’s unbelievable. R, on the other hand, remains awkward and socially inept while doing a fairly good job at keeping up with the class. Despite my brooding and rather stand off-ish façade, it’s rather good that the people in my class have accepted me just the same and treat me ‘normally’.

♠ Regarding the academic activities itself, it was the same routine: lectures and quizzes and lectures and quizzes. You still have to sit still on your seat, be disciplined enough or look well-behaved enough so you won’t stick out like a sore spot and be a candidate for the recitation. And that I had trouble with as I’m always restless in my seat especially when it comes to topics and subjects which I have the slightest interest in. I got sick of it just a few days before the midterm exam kicked in and I could have had one of those moments filled with languor for a week or so. Although I’ve made an achievement: I’m able to administer injections. The practicum was memorable and my partner was wonderful since he was such a sport while I panicked since I was so afraid I might hurt him too much. Of course I had my share of other blunders because of my lack of focus. But oh well… Another thing was that I was able to utilize my free time to read in the library, carrying a Cryptonomicon (which I will make a comment about later) with me and I enjoyed that very much since there was just me and the book and nothing else… Students in the cafeteria area are too rowdy and rather callous for my liking.

♠ BUT SUMMER CLASSES ARE INDEED OVER AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS~! I’ve been cooped up in school for too long and I have this itch to go out NOW!

May 10 2009 | Sunday

MUSIC: Second to None - Phoenix
BOOK: 1984 - G. Orwell | KOI: X/O

♔ Hacking the Earth: Understanding the Consequences of Geoengineering ♔

♠ I came across this from the Open The Future site, which I check every now and then because of my enduring optimism about how there are indeed smart people out there who are working up solutions on the present state (which is ‘sad’) of… everything and how those ideas could give us a view on how our future would be like and what impact it could cause. ‘Hacking the Earth: Understanding the Consequences of Geoengineering’ is a book by Jamais Cascio consisting of his complied essays on geoengineering, which is an experiment in global climate management and in this book, he discusses the implications of geoengineering in local to international scale especially when we are pressed to have any methods to counter the event of global warming.

♠ I’ve done a background check on this man (Mr. Cascio) and from what I’ve learned, I’m pretty impressed. I didn’t know there was such a thing as ‘Institute for Ethics and Emerging Technologies’ (which he’s a member of) and ‘Center for Responsible Nanotechnology’, which he works as a Global Futures Strategist. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that he works as a researcher for this ‘Institute for the Future’. WOW… I’m not an expert on these, but it seems he has plenty of those important ideas and I’m willing to learn. Truth to be told, I’ve been quite ignorant a lot of things especially about society and politics in general (although I have to admit as well, politics I find tedious for the most part). Like George Orwell had said: “They were like the ant, which can see small objects but not large ones”. Until just a few months ago, I’ve had an itch to understand the workings of the world. And I may not understand everything but I want to learn. 'To ignore' was the choice I have taken for the nihilist in me, but now I would like to be more informed. It would not be so ‘boring’ if you’d look at it in another perspective, especially coming from this man. Cultural transformation in line with emerging technologies, implications on what role countries play in this… People like him are here to help 8D

♔ RANDOM THINGS R LOVES ♔

♠ Excellent… Finally a copy of N. Stephenson's Cryptonomicon, ready to be included in my humble family of books crowding in my bookshelf XD I double checked on Carter’s “Burning Your Boats” and sadly, it wasn’t meant to happen that I get a copy. For now. According to the lovely Fully Booked staff, they have limited copies of it (I’m guess 5 or less) and those copies could only be found in their Cebu branch. I’m not giving up! That copy would arrive in my hands one day for sure. As of now, I have Cryptonomicon to keep me busy as soon as I finish the remaining pages of Orwell’s 1984. On that note, it makes me wonder if X/O has read 1984. He would like it, if he hasn’t read it yet.

♠ my mom (not because it's mother's day. heck i love her everyday) | Apple Cinnamon doughnut at Krispy Kreme | Starbucks | drinking sessions with my cousins and mother | my dad’s eternally lost look | my new bed sheets | Elianto blue nail polish | your gray cardigan | my Converse | Manuel Albarran | the smell of buttered toast | cold showers during mid-afternoons | the Adventures of Tin Tin | alternative models | and this:

"You’re alive, Bod. That means you have infinite potential. You can do anything, make anything, dream anything. If you change the world, the world will change. Potential. Once you’re dead, it’s gone. Over. You’ve made what you’ve made, dreamed your dream, written your name. You may be buried here, you may even walk. But that potential is finished."
The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

May 9 2009 | Saturday

MUSIC: The Prayer - Bloc Party
BOOK: The Complete Illustrated Works of Edgar Allan Poe - E.A Poe | KOI: X/O

♔ AN UPDATE ON SCHOOL: The Bane of R's Existence ♔

♠ For this summer term, it still surprises me how I manage to get fairly decent grades without taking anything seriously when I should be doing just that. I did pass all three of my exams. So far I have no grade lower than 85, which is surprising for my general lack of interest and enthusiasm with my subjects (note that all of my subjects are all AHSE subjects from now on). And for the most part I’m satisfied I managed to get by with this alone—along with plenty of Cadbury chocolates to get me hyped up during boring lectures. I would be lying if I didn’t say that these little academic accomplishments of mine provide me with a sense of empowerment even though I perfectly know I haven’t done ANYTHING to get grades. And what happens then if I DO manage to completely devote myself to all those assigned readings, complying religiously to the allotted study time?

♠ It was actually just a while ago that I accomplished filing for a new library card since I lost mine 2 semesters ago and never bothered to replace it. I’ve decided to spend my extra time at school to finish the readings I plan to accomplish before the start of June, before the start of my hospital duty. The thought of that and everything that follows is nerve-wracking and I imagine I would have lesser time for myself. LESSER TIME FOR MYSELF = LESS TIME FOR BOOKS, MOVIES, ANIME, ETC. And I still have plenty of books lined up and those I’m still having trouble finishing. But I feel excited for some reason. Probably because I feel more in control of my idle, lazy and depressive tendencies lately and thus results into a more focused outlook on things I strongly want to get done. And though this is generally unrelated to what this entry is about, I immensely love Bloc Party’s “The Prayer” and every bit of emotion being evoked in this song. I get a feeling of being hopeful and being calm in these situations that causes me to have my most erratic moods ever.

"Tonight make me unstoppable
I will charm, I will slice,
I will dazzle them with my wit
Tonight make me unstoppable
And I will charm, I will slice
I will dazzle I will outshine all"
- The Prayer by Bloc Party

♔ On X/O: The Persisting 'Armand' to my 'Daniel' ♔

♠ Excuse the lame title of this entry. I just re-read the encounters of Armand and Daniel, which is one of my favourite sub-plots in ‘Queen of the Damned’. The intensity of both individually and when ‘together’ is so… vulgar that it’s rather sweet. Extremely sweet and powerful *sigh* If Daniel's fixation would manifest in another, that would be me.

♠ I long for some disaster—a spectacular explosion of any sort, earthquake, a fire. Those I have no care for and those ribald pseudo-nymphs and people who simply annoy me (and X/O’s ‘pests’), instantly and grotesquely eliminated. A brave and responsible X/O would take charge of situation, find me and I slightly whimper in a ‘fright’. Only the both of us left. We’d probably smirk at each other and I’d grin at his random wisecracks while he utters them with a straight, blank face. The possible elation one could feel in this idle vision is plenty and along with a new delightful feeling. This, unfortunately, would have to suffice.

♠ It’s annoying how nothing compares to X/O’s hands. A great deal of observation, occasional glances and private assessment was done for almost everyone I have come across with randomly and nothing—strangely, nothing rivals what X/O has. There were those acceptable ones and “close-enough” ones and fairly decent had a charming quality in their own right. But if I had to compare them with X/O’s own, their charming, striking qualities would fade in X/O’s astounding contours from the prominent wrist bone to the fingertips. A simple grasp of the pen or pencil while writing or the languid manner of the hand to point at something. It’s also unfortunate I don’t have the luxury to suck in more details of my loved Subject. We have to remember this isn’t only about ‘parts of the Whole’. So far, no one has matched up to X/O’s hand, which causes me a little concern. I wish I don’t have to fumble carelessly and awkwardly and yes, desperately for opportunities to just get a chance to—never mind *sigh*

♠ This is agonizing in a degree I have not expected to feel. You are missed.

♔ ON THE CASE OF MISSING PERSONS ♔

♠ It’s not only X/O who’s immensely missed. I miss you Louanne and Elmo so please invade my house as soon as you get the chance and so we could enjoy frolicking around Serendra and we would shamelessly act like idiots around each other~ Abee my late-night talk buddy, our existential ways, depression and mania and our ‘Whisper with Wings’ love shared in our world~ Jinky~ who always keeps a smile in whatever she does compared to the brooding me, who always laughs at the most random manner especially on subliminal messages of THAT sort. HAHA~ Wherever you all are I’m extremely proud of you surviving and remember before you do ANYTHING I love you. Let’s make plans 8D

May 4 2009 | Monday

MUSIC: Gravity Weightlessness - Shonen Knife
BOOK: The Monarch of the Glen - Neil Gaiman | KOI: ...

♔ BEFORE STUDYING ♔

♠ While I was sleeping, I had this conversation in my head.
♠ To URAMUS, who's found in my CBOX: here's a note for you regarding your inquiries about me.
♠ I’m not depressed. Yesterday’s reflection just made me on the edge and frustrated with myself.

♔ FASHION PRON: ARTIFICE CLOTHING ♔

♠ Artifice Clothing is the fashion label responsible for the one-of-a-kind Harley Quinn costumes available as featured in this photograph. Truth to be told, it would just be like Christmas morning if I had a chance to wear this beautifully crafted PVC catsuit or any of Artifice Clothing’s ensembles for that matter. Emily Rishea, the owner of this alternative clothing line deserves a whole lot of credit for her vision that seems to come out from a cyberpunk wet dream or something. The breathtaking Harley Quinn costume is one thing but check out the following items, which are my favorites (I also have to say it’s a plus that coincidentally, my alternative model crushes are featured in the clothes as well):

• (LEFT) The gorgeous fitted shrug and my favourite is the metallic white version (modelled also by a pretty HOT model named electrAlux).
• (RIGHT) The silver Heart Overbust corset, modelled by the gorgeous Revel.

• (ABOVE) The Cybertek Wings with the lightup LED tip (WANT! yes, PLEASE, NOW~!). This one is the winner, I have to say. It reminds me of a grittier version of CLAMP’s “Clover” designs.

• This Artifice Cyber Dress that’s tastefully done. It screams utopian, aristocrat, overkill lust/hotness at me (gods, did that even make sense?). This makes me wish I live long enough to see the dress sense of the future which is hopefully similar to these *sigh*
• The Cyber Baby Doll dress~ Very, very cute although the corset belt isn’t included with the dress. You have to buy it separately.
• The Short PVC Kimono, which is paired with a black corset (sold separately). I love the image that comes with it. It’s cutthroat, Asian cyberpunk alright—kinda like straight from the tech slums in Japan that Gibson described in Neuromancer.

May 3 2009 | Sunday

MUSIC: Taste In Men - Placebo
BOOK: Harlequin Valentine - Neil Gaiman | KOI: ...

♔ A BAD BLOCK ♔

I had the whole day to get back on the things I hold dear to me: reading and drawing, both of which I haven’t sriously involved myself in for the past 2 weeks already because of the physical and mental exhaustion academic life brought upon me. Summer classes are a bore. After reading, I sat down and held a pen on my hand with my sketchbook on the other. And you know what, it took a long time for me to process an image of what I wanted to draw and it took longer for me to translate it to paper. I was suddenly terrified, put my stuff down and it came to me. I haven’t been drawing for the last months—it’s been many months actually. I haven’t produced any pieces that mattered—most of the time I find myself repeating things and the unfinished works end up piling. Right now, it’s a scary feeling for me because the thought of stopping drawing altogether never crossed my mind. NEVER, EVER. I used to think that I should always, ALWAYS protect my drawing hand and if ever something happened to it like having a serious fracture or nerve degradation, just because of my own clumsiness… I would never forgive myself if that happened. And as I write this and think about this over, there’s an ugly feeling when I’m now questioning myself what happened. Why the sudden incapacity?

I’m so enamored by the existing art which serves as inspiration as well as a form of intimidation, especially by those artists that are obviously better than me. But then where did my drive go? Where has the self-confidence gone to? Where did my talent go? I used to be so competent and had (at least I think so) quality before this… ugly period. It’s got clear a little while ago that I’m still stuck in this non-productive phase as far as my art goes and I haven’t done anything about it and showed no signs of improvement for the past few months. Life just gets in the way and it was enough that before, I was this recluse that had my own world to construct on and it was easy to focus on what I love doing. I used to be more productive in that sense and I WAS HAPPIER. Since there were more socializations involved lately, I developed a tendency to be worrisome, to be idle on the things I wanted for myself (which doesn’t involve people) and attempted to do so many things at the same time. I’m rushed, cramped and tired. And just now I just realized this is all starting to sound like what Hobbes and Rousseau were talking about and no, this is not political theories of any sort.

Earlier today, out of a whim, I started reading a copy of Rousseau’s ‘the Discourse on the Origin of Inequality’ (translated) which I had as a guide for understanding some other readings of mine. Anyway, Rousseau described the natural man (as in his ‘natural state’) timid, peaceful and isolated. This was in contrast to what Hobbes contended, as I learned in my Asian Civ class, that man’s natural state is in constant war with each other but they shared a similar view on the aspect of self-preservation as a motivation for human action. Humans are impaired by the faculties which could be considered ‘irresponsible’ and these are brought about by socialization. The idea of being timid, of self-understanding and self-preservation is lost, given the constraint and pressure. We tend to be passive and taken in by the ‘crowd’. On a personal note, I can’t say socialization isn’t entirely a bad thing but there is a discomfort that’s bugging me. It’s a discomfort from the environment, the culture… something bigger, society perhaps? I would call this discomfort ‘mediocrity’. It’s a bad sign when all I want is to just ‘rest’ which leads to idleness and ‘not-caring’ which is the ‘not-caring-if-i-can’t-do-it-anymore’ and that's really bad.

I’m not quite sure how to protect myself with this matter. The more I would never forgive myself if I lost it not because of an accident or physical inability, but because of my own INADEQUACY. Fuck. What an ugly, ugly feeling. I’ve regressed in terms of my prowess.

Could I actually stand to be patient while I wait for something? Something different? Something familiar but with a sad, sick, happy, crazy twist? Something, something…

Could I still stand being tired which is caused by something I don’t have my heart on and this poses as a barrier for me to pursue (even just of a single day) be completely rapt and involved in what I do want?

This is unexpected. Hopefully I’m able to have a straight, focused mind so I can study for my exams on Tuesday. And with the extent of this feeling, I guess for now talks with people won't cut it.

May 2 2009 | Saturday

MUSIC: 36 Degrees - Placebo
BOOK: Neuromancer - William Gibson | KOI: my Mr. Compton

♔ A FRAGMENT & SOME OTHER BLAHS ♔

♠ It was a sea of noise, like the frantic flutter of wings of startled birds and I was drowning in that noise. The experience was claustrophobic, with their bodies rushing about and constantly bumping against me—I was in the most annoying part of the universe at that moment. Everyone talked and they talked about you, your name constant in their dialogue. The exchanges were about how morbidly infatuated they are with you and I saw myself trying to make an effort not to guffaw at this. I wanted to scream at them; what do they know anyway. But then again, what do I know?

The touch and the pull I felt for only a split second or so. There it was again, that tiny smile of yours where you showed your teeth and one which I rarely see. We regarded each other with smiles and I saw a glint in your tired eyes that told me you haven’t changed despite being with me—still calculating and elusive as ever. How annoying.

♠ WHY?! Someone already bought the only copy of Angela Carter’s ‘Burning Your Boats’ at Fully Booked. I was so annoyed and practically stamped my foot on the floor when one of the sales people (it was obvious he sensed how disappointed I was) told me they don’t have any more stocks of the damned book. So I ended up just walking around, amused by the fact that someone who actually loves Angela Carter is blessed to have a copy of that book by Vintage Publishing (I love them despite being overpriced) on his or her lap. And it's not ME, dammit! Until now just thinking about it, it makes me incredibly pissed I have to say. That was supposed to be mine *gags* It was the anthology that contained every published short story by Angela Carter and if I own that, I wouldn’t have the trouble of buying the smaller anthologies of Carter (like The Black Venus) whose stories are already contained in Burning Your Boats. And what are the chances of having copies of that book shipped again, here? According to the kind sales people at Fully Booked that was the only copy they had as far as they know and it’s unlikely the smaller branches of Fully Booked have that. I found that fact disheartening…

♠ After walking around, brooding (not mainly on the book but on other concerns of mine), I found myself in the blessed science fiction area and lo and behold. I was incredibly surprised they have copies of Neal Stephenson’s Anathem and it occupied 1 shelf. Stephenson’s most recent speculative fiction, Anathem, was released around late last year and I had planned on buying it. A while ago though, I found out it was still clear that prints available in lower prices than the 1000+ php soft bound copy, aren’t available yet. BUT THEN—CRYPTONOMICON~! AHHH~! I was looking for a copy of Cryptonomicon for the longest time now and there it was on the shelf, along with the pristine copies of Anathem and Quicksilver. Although I was practically bummed by ‘Burning Your Boats; being taken away… there it was Cryptonomicon and I didn’t manage to buy it then and there since I was a hundred peso short (it costs around 500+). But still, they have Cryptonomicon and I’m still ecstatic about it.

May 1 2009 | Friday

MUSIC: If I Feel Ever Better - Phonenix
BOOK: Neuromancer - William Gibson | KOI: my Mr. Compton

♔ BIRTHDAY PARTIES ARE WONDERFUL THINGS ♔

♠ It’s going to be several years before I’ll actually sit down and comfort myself about the fact I’ll be going through this quarter life crisis with plenty of ambiguous emotional aches occurring. I imagine I’d get real scared if I sit back and think if I was actually in control of most things in my life, which I should feel by that age of 25 or so. I’m supposed to have accumulated knowledge, wisdom and self-confidence by that point… Hopefully I would, for awkward little me. On this note, I have to say ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ to my best man who turned 25 yesterday and celebrated with our merry company of little devils.

♠ People do wonder how come he (a 25 year old) considers me, an 18-year old as a best friend and vice versa given that there is such a huge age gap. He’s a wonderful individual who is one of the (unfortunate) people who actually knows who I really am. He knows well the reasons why Placebo songs can be attributed to me, as some say. And he understands why I do it and my need for constantly finding ‘new worlds’ in people and he has lived up to my innate insatiability. We both cause each other migraines and mindfucks (although he contends he can’t much up to the mindfucks I’m giving him and others) and there’s a common understanding between us on plenty of topics in life (despite being opposites for the most part). We are both artists and the trickiest thing is when we have our bouts of mania of finding ourselves and our inspirations especially when we become too embittered in the process of involvements in this world. It becomes particularly hard when the things we do that are supposed to validate us are managing to make us feel lonely, ignorant, inept, and unproductive. And despite that depressing state we are individually in, we still manage to find some sort of peace between us and we just end up smirking, scoffing and laughing. No one has ever accepted me like this and the same goes for him. And that’s why on his birthday or even every single day of his life, he deserves the best and something that’s indescribably dynamic. He deserves a lot of good things.

♠ Last night was wonderful though it’s a shame that I came late and missed my lovely ladies, Louanne and Elmo. I enjoyed everyone’s company since I was actually in a depressive state over this week (same story about my incapacity in school) and everyone manages to make me feel loved and once again helped me pick myself up and gain confidence and strength to manage. Mikeru, Jeremiah, Leo, Laine and everyone else—I love them 8D They’re great company and all so ‘precious’ (with the baby-talk accent I mostly use on Jeremiah) XD

♠ The only thing our merry band hasn’t done yet is to sit back in Starbucks and talk, laugh, jeer and appreciate over our favourite coffees.

April 28 2009 | Tuesday

MUSIC: Get No Satisfaction! - Maaya Sakamoto
BOOK: Neuromancer - William Gibson | KOI: Orsino

♔ SCHOOL HAS PROVIDED ME WITH NUTRITION ♔

♠ So far for this week, today has been my favourite day. Today’s Nutrition class was phenomenal since we had a food exhibit that mostly consisted of cuisine from various countries. Our group presented the recommended diet for Indian cuisine which is more vegetarian than the usual. My personal favourite was the akoori and the nagrishi kofta 8D The judges were Snap and Yama (note: these are not their real names) and as a presenter for our group, that was really bothersome. You never know what they could think of to snap at you for any missed points in your presentation (it’s like the defense all over again). And they have this unbelievably intimidating and distressing aura about them that gets to you (or I just need to get used to that presence… Or I just lack the confidence). But we managed to pull it off and finished with a good smile (my trite, toothy smile that looks really forced—but srsly, we did smile). Everyone else had a chance to sample the dishes others prepared such as the pesto, the Chinese dishes, etc. The following presentations, I think, would be more boring than the pompous display we had earlier. But still… It was a good break from boring three hour lectures I’m constantly experiencing for the past three weeks of summer classes. I need something else.

♔ AND THIS STILL GOES ON EVEN AFTER-- ♔

♠ Why did you smirk, Orsino? There’s an annoying obsidian (which is also what your eyes are; beguiling) mystery lingering about Orsino that I want to scrutinize bit by bit and persistently be… fixed upon (given the chance *sigh*). And that is the most annoying, most vexing part of it all since it causes me unnecessary spurs of hysteria which should not be the case. That is to say, given what YOU ARE and WHAT YOU PROBABLY ARE, Orsino. And then I don’t care—all for this in exchange for a singular emotion that comes out that could drive me to rip and jump to dimensions previously inaccessible. Or simply just a fuel so I can scribble, doodle—things that validate me. And why do I still indulge (yes, caught!) in this? Orsino is no saint, despite the pristine qualities he has. I have an ugly (and retarded) idea we are similar in enjoying and amusing ourselves on what people go through because of … Orsino’s keenness and cunning qualities are still present and challenging and hence, still up for one’s observations. To be noted down, looked over fondly and preserved. And serve as a lesson, when we finally reached the end of this.

♠ And yet for now… Could one just close her eyes and hear and feel what it was like again to have that steady relaxed pace of ideas and words gushing forth from that substantial, informative… inspiring string of experiences?

♔ AND ANOTHER FOR THE MORE FAMILIAR MASSES ♔

♠ I miss Jinky so much~♥ If she were here we’d both be sucking in all those wonderful details of the oral orifice of one Stephen Moyer—berry tongue, thin dry lips and the set of teeth behind them even with the fangs he has. Good gods… he asks you “Can I ask you a personal question?” and you just wish you’d be the one that actually says: “Bill, I’ve just seen you lick my blood off my forehead. It doesn’t get more personal than that”… *sigh* Butterball for you Jinky!♥ Wait for the present you’ll be receiving very soon.

♠ Goodluck KISSBONE! You have my support and wacky, once-in-a-blue-moon-school-corridor-fugly dancing skills to wish you all the best in your endeavors! BOOBS~! Yeyeyeyeah!

♠ Mr. Blue Sky D.IARYO~ Things would be fine because as far as my intuition goes on your recent, dark-clad world bothered by… whatever—you are still in control. It’s better to regret on the things you didn’t do than the things you did. Make yourself happy, do awesome things, gain confidence and self-esteem from within. If human beings have disappointed you countless of times that’s causing you to feel bitter… well, all I can say you have yourself and you better not disappoint yourself.

♠ This is addressed for the gods or whatever cosmic power lends an ear to hear or even read this: Five minutes. Or even 2 minutes of a simple, polite exchange and I could go through this. Just once and even just a sourire and I could seriously not ask for anything more for this term. Feck. There. I explicitly just said it. Okay. Nao, give me a break. But... please?

April 25 2009 | Saturday

MUSIC: 1901 - Phoenix
BOOK: Neuromancer - William Gibson | KOI: gdfkngORSINO

♔ SCHOOL ♔

♠ School is getting better after 2 weeks. I guess what really was needed was adjustment—mainly on my part for my overly paranoid mind and my general expectations on people especially if you tend to experience and observe a lot of… hmm, people who aren’t that nice and ANNOYING at school. The members of the class I currently belong to, which is N-313, are genial individuals and they’re very, very smart and diligent as well. I had a chance to have conversations with some individuals (apart from my fellow irregulars) through class activities that needed to be done in groups and they are nice and have amusing quirks. And frankly, I’m starting to realize how this is advantageous for me since my laziness and procrastinating habits would be kept at bay. Results = grades are going up, perhaps? I can’t help it after all, especially when you’re getting that ‘serious atmosphere of studying’ from everyone.

♠ It’s sad that the first individual who belongs to that already tightly-knit class that I actually felt really comfortable with… is leaving! She’s going to shift into some other course because of certain circumstances, which is too bad since she’s a really bright girl who really has what it takes to really do well in this course. Despite knowing her for a short time, I could tell she’s really wonderful and sincere. And I was even hoping we could talk more on other things, beyond our common interest which is manga and anime. HEE HEE~

♠ School is keeping me busy thus the lack of blog updates. As much as I want to sit in front of the computer and write and ‘study’ the things I’m actually interested in, lately I always end up falling asleep on the chair without knowing it. I have to say I’m still having trouble adjusting my habits especially when most of your dismissal times are really late and you go home much later because of the annoying traffic in the C5 area and you just end up being tired and burned out. It’s hard to squeeze in more time to actually study and accomplish necessary academia-related things.

♔ SUEHIRO MARUO: MARUOGRAPH EX 1 ART BOOK ♔

♠ GAH! I finally obtained MARUOGRAPH EX 1 scans! MARUOGRAPH is one of the first published art books (it was released in 1996) of my favourite Japanese artists Suehiro Maruo and finally I obtained scans—a total of 300mb goodness of 130 pages of his wonderful, spastic, ero-guro art~! I love it insanely and if I actually had a copy of the art book itself, I would sleep beside it. The maverick themes of his work mainly of the Japanese culture and media combined with the wonderful mix of the modern and traditional in his art style produces such a… arresting impact! ♥♥♥ HAHAHA~ Ghed I can’t even describe it. Looking through the art featured in the collection, I was surprised that there are a lot of art that Suehiro Maruo did in homage to some notable films that he loved (and I do too) like ‘Morte A Venezia’. His choice of colors and pen work on his drawings are brilliant! Maruo’s characters’ body compositions are realistic and pretty well done especially since they’re mostly put in compromising, difficult poses but there isn’t any hint of any awkwardly placed joints. The corners are so smooth and delicate… which is ironic especially for the ero-guro ones. That is the skill of drawing the human anatomy that could belong to a contortionist and that skill of rendering the human anatomy I want to learn! AWW~ Now I really WANT a copy of the art book itself with the pretty glossy pages~

♔ And YET AGAIN ♔

Why am I so annoyed and still brooding on this? Well technically I know that I brood too much on certain things but not this. Uh, this isn’t necessarily the ‘Great Disruption’ but it is some sort of disruption caused by an external, persisting factor which one could kill off easily if she could just do it! But no and thus, it continues to annoy and annoy and bother. And also brings about embarrassing actions caused by some blind ardor. This could be some mockery or a continuous chain of events that have been influenced by such a clever tongue or rather a clever, shrewd mind of one X/O. And this is to bring amusement to satisfy a form of narcissism (of you—yes, YOU!) and I do think I’m actually a ‘bother’ already… in a negative sense. Le sigh~

April 19 2009 | Sunday

MUSIC: Talk to Me, Dance With Me - Hot Hot Heat
BOOK: Anansi Boys - Neil Gaiman | KOI: gdfkngORSINO

♔ PHOTOGRAPHY: BANG! ♔

I don't know who the photographer is and just basically ganked this out from a random internet image search. But this shot is really cute :D Reminds me and my friends and I~

♔ AFTER SCHOOL MANIA ♔

♠ I was Zoey yesterday—make that “Zoey” from L4D because last night, when every one at school went home, my merry band of friends and I decided to be the L4D characters and run around the empty hallways around 6:30 p.m, screaming “BOOMER~!” “WITCH~!” “MOLOTOV~!” We also mimicked the crappy movements of the Resident Evil characters in the first versions of the games and randomly ran around stiffly in the corridors and purposely slamming or running into walls. And we’ve also tried to sneak into the faculty areas and again, purposely make suspicious silly spy movements on some dyslexic Mission Impossible thing. And I get to run around the corridors for no apparent reason and laugh so hard and loud at the same time and feel uninhibited by anything at school. I also got that chance to sit down, be dragged by people so I can slide along the smooth hallways at school, which was something I wanted to do for a long time. Some talcum powder was the only thing that’s missing to make it more slippery.

♠ Due to the unfortunate circumstance that our merry group of friends were separated due to the sectioning this summer term and since our breaks aren’t always in sync, we’ve decided to allot time after school—literally after school when most of the people at school went home already—to get together. My friends at school are lovely people compared to most homely, transparent and nondescript individuals I mostly encounter. But we are not perfect and mostly get streaks of laziness, procrastination and massive self-loathing. But the sense of security is strong and that’s all we have facing the environment that results to us having the most erratic moods a student could handle, also given our individual circumstances in the health care education system.

♠ I initiated a conversation yesterday on matters of gender and “what ifs”. I asked my friends what were their thoughts on themselves and our others friends if their gender was the other way around. My male friend at school whom we shall call ‘D.IARYO' when female is going to be bohemian or that’s what’s my opinion of him. He’ll probably be that bohemian girl who plays the harmonica, looks aloof to those who don’t know her but is actually quirky and be upfront when needed to be and just knows how to give a good verbal beating to some jerk who deserves it. Another male friend called MACPA-L is going to be the preppy ‘Queen Bee’, the bossy type of girl among her girl friends but really doesn’t know to deal with guys and have a lot of ‘dead air’ involving conversations with the males. But she’s not going to be ditzy. My male friend TUTANKHAMEN is going to be the type of girl who’s such a mischievous tease and if you were a guy you can easily be an ‘over-friend’ to her and grope her if you have a chance since she’ll let you. The thing is once you give in to her, she gives you a really smart comment that really emphasizes how jerk-ish is you are for doing so and you just completely lose your self-worth… My female friend at school MAGDALENA is going to that rough type of guy—the bully whom you’ll really be careful with your actions and the type that initiates the most rough fights in the school. And me? They’ve confirmed (even what my other group of friends tell me) that if I was guy, I’d be the enigmatic one who’s hiding something my eyes and be completely devious and calculating but has that strange charm. I’d be that aloof gentleman who CAN be nice—if you know how to work it with me. HAH! They said I’d resemble some professor at school in those terms. HAH! We also thought up of a lot of people and it was an interesting angle in how we are and how we could be in dealing with people.

♠ I DO very enjoy what we do after school so much, most especially this overly academically-hyped-up summer we’re having where stress could hit you in a really hard and surprising manner. And at least I could dance like an idiot (I FAIL at dancing, I can't even dance well to save my life) in front of them without anyone else looking, to the tune of some happy electro-indie-pop song~♥ But yeah these times are STILL rare, once-in-a-blue-moon chances to catch me.

♔ SOMETHING... SOMETHING ♔

♠ During the first few days of school I wanted to drink so bad and have some neon-colored drink trail a scorching heat down my throat to fight the horrible gloominess I was feeling. I wanted to do that with my friends at school. But then I didn’t get any chance to do and also most of my school friends don’t drink alcohol or any liquor. I haven’t had a drink since March and I was with my mother that time… Some Starbucks and Krispy Kreme is a good alternative though… this week?

♠ The thrill of seeing this person's hands was amazing, I have to say. It’s a sad there isn’t any opportunity or time left for me and my absurd ‘wants’. Those hands just had to be bent that way with those fingers folded in that relaxed manner and they’re calming to look at. This however seems betraying, with those unsmiling eyes and a curt politeness and that I hate and can do nothing about *sigh* One could only wish in these times... ghed

April 16 2009 | Thursday

MUSIC: Deadweight - BECK
BOOK: Anansi Boys - Neil Gaiman | KOI: gdfkngORSINO

♔ A FEW OF THE THINGS R LOVES ♔

Talk To Me, Dance With Me by Hot Hot Heat | school guards at school that let's us fool around when everyone else went home | Japanese curry rice | don, raffy, peps, larissa, rio, tonie | X/O or the various aliases applicable to this individual | 1984 - George Orwell | my purple iPod shuffle Rosierr Bellamy | Morinaga choco flakes | my new highlighters | electro indie | my dad | Sunday | my button pin that has a Suehiro Maruo print | my handwriting | Nivea strawberry lip balm | the occassional cool breeze | silence during stressful school moments | his smile-smirk-evil | the way don, raffy and peps dance | bubblegum | my "things-to-do-slash-doodle" notebook at school | hearing myself laugh genuinely after a while ♥ ♥ ♥

♔ LE SIGH OF RELIEF & FRUSTRATION ♔

♠ It’s only the first week and I must stop being on the edge like this. And I must stop complaining too much (but seriously I can’t help it now that it’s all beginning to sink in). I love you Jinky and even though your far away… hmm, we’re still in for that plan to invade Glastonbury and have those 2English blokes in the hay when we’re 22 and they’re… hmm, nearing 40? HAHA. Thank you for saying I should beat them all. And I could try my best *sigh*

♠ And ... FINALLY! That was what I needed, asked for and granted. Thank you Fates. Momentary euphoria though, leaves you ... hm...

April 13 2009 | Monday

MUSIC: Girl - ent
BOOK: Anansi Boys - Neil Gaiman | KOI: gdfkngORSINO

♔ SOMETHINGS MISSING OTHER THAN EXTRA LENGTHS OF HAIR ♔

♠Recently, I got a hair cut and its waaay shorter than expected. I was reading some Nabokov while the stylist cuts my hair and I completely lost my focus on my HAIR and how it’s turning out. It’s not that I don’t like it; it just came off as a surprise for me. I lost so much hair! But its summer and it’s really, really hot and humid so hair this short is appropriate and more comfortable for this type of Manila weather, me thinks. HERE is what I look like now.

♠ By the end of this week, my notebooks for school would be full of some random statements, observations and sentences about people who are recently incorporated into my life. Or probably, because I’m incorporated into their lives and their subsequent reactions to me intervening I find amusing. It could all be queer. And I could share it here, if by that time I’m already on the edge or I’m being uber random. Surprisingly I belong to the so-called ‘pilot’ section. WTF? Hmm… I should keep certain thoughts on this to myself but I will say I’m neither happy nor sad about it. This just means that I don’t really care much and should do my thing. Yes, this ‘summer hype’ we’re all getting. And I’m sarcastic about that part. Nevertheless, there are a lot of lovely people at school to look forward to. My friends and I had ‘summer sickness’/ ‘Monday sickness’ so we really didn’t get to be our usual crazed selves earlier. And the heat is so unbearable. HOW IS THIS PROBLEM BEING ADDRESSED, SERIOUSLY? This global warming?

♠ It crept up too early this week and there’s already warning signs of possible hysteria over matters I shouldn’t be bothered with since I have no control over them. This is probably the result of me tending to think that people are more interesting than what they really are and then… nothing. My nature has been too capricious lately and overly sensitive about things happening around me especially when there’s danger of it having a quality of… being lethargic? I NEED … (subjectsubjectsubjectasfuelformy…) Just once!

♠ Hands. Visual perfection. Now, please?

♠ Tu vas me manquer. R could be just one of "them" in the "collection"; something fleeting and forgettable. Weird and a little on the edge. And all over the place and awkward. *facepalm*whydoesthishappentome? I rage now.

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