Contrivance: Targeted kill. ::Arisfael's Lair::

March 16, 2008 Sunday

Music:
Koisuru for the day: STFN

I watched a movie the other day. It's called "Keeping Mum" and it's such a fine comedy :) I loved the part about saying a certain verse in the Songs of Solomon in the Bible was about sex. And then I found this...From the Songs of Solomon:

"On my bed night after night I sought him
Whom my soul loves; I sought him but did not find him.
I must arise now and go about the city;
In the streets and in the squares
I must seek him whom my soul loves.

I sought him but did not find him.

Trip to Ateneo with Abee-lover yesterday. She said patience is a virtue

March 11, 2008 Friday

Music:
Koisuru for the day: STFN as Vanichka

I am weary. The Physics exam is just BLAH BLAH and fucking BLAH.

Of course, I am weary from this. But— but, that’s not all. This is a bad turn of fate for me. I’m not depressed, honestly. I just feel bad and… frustrated and… horribly melancholic. JNX probably opted to tell me this after the Physics exams so I would be in a decent state of mind and I could concentrate.

But I’m shaken. I’ll tell you a story later (I’m not in a very “typing mood” at the moment) about a happy chronicle of a blessed (and damn lucky) Orange Folder.

+++++

The Chronicle of the Happy Orange Folder and Milord STFN Dedalus

A correspondent (a much loved correspondent) narrated to me a few minutes ago what occurred yesterday. There was a prelude to this conversation, given by another trusted friendly friend earlier in the morning. I expressed my controlled rambles hearing the name of Milord STFN a.k.a Sire M. but it was so difficult! There was rapt of emotions that overwhelmed my bruised (manic, obsessive) mind; a while I go, I might have been a vivacious teen with the mad, wild retort hearing the name that triggers most kept thoughts… I could’ve gone mad with jealously and intense dismay for the fact that I MISSED seeing this person that I wanted to see the most for the longest time! I’ve written about this in pages and pages and wished (vehemently, if I may say) that if I could only hear my name fall on those lips, again. Once again there is a lack of words, lack of proper description to fully emanate the contained happiness (felt a while ago at school and even now because I can’t divulge TOO MUCH; I would look like a horribly sentimental cheesy girl) and this, being similar to the (hopeless) ardor towards the main character, is irreplaceable. This topic and everything it triggers is a personal peculiarity of mine so, I’ll not go into specifics of every single thread of FEELING that’s running through every corner of me.

Beloved correspondent (as she experienced this first hand; a damn lucky girl she is in my world of STFN-ness) said that it happened yesterday in the BLUE librairie (around late morning to mid-afternoon) where she was coincidentally staying. Correspondent spotted a figure whom she knew but it was a vague recollection; then she remembered finally who that was and remembered me at the same time (for those who really know me, Herr STFN has become synonymous with my name) and contacted me. I, being the sloppy teen who always forgets her phone at home (since there wasn’t any load), was somewhere FAR from where they were and had no idea that someone has laid eyes on STFN! Looking back, I could’ve dashed madly there, SERIOUSLY. STFN made his way inside, while correspondent kept an eye on him and as she said stared at him because she was surprised to see this person (and she remembered me, mostly given my unhealthy obsession). She said her head seemed to gave a 360 motion because her eyes followed him wherever (aha, my spy).

How many months? It’s been more than a year, perhaps since I last held—ARGH! And mind you, he was with other women! AAAAAAH! STFN Dedalus (desirable for an exceptional intelligence) was with other women in that place (it was said those were his co-teachers) but still! So many thoughts are being crammed in my head right now thinking of... ~~I could kill them!~~ I could’ve completed diverted STFN’s attention from those ~~(whatever, because he ALWAYS sees them ANYWAY)~~!
STFN was described to me. He was apparently wearing something BLUE, a polo shirt (his staple clothing ever since I knew him on casual days for the administration back then) and grey slacks. Correspondent said STFN grew his hair long and apparently fluffier (which I preferred since when he took a haircut back then, it was BLAH—he looked like a twat). No glasses (the ancient ones, which I liked because…). A quick mental image comes alive in my demented mind and there was a strain in my thoughts because thinking and actually seeing has a huge difference! In those clothes on his thin frame, in the soft light of the afternoon. SHIEST! SHIEST! STFN acquired a much darker complexion as I’m told, but not so dark. I imagined it was a warm flesh than his pallid skin before (which I liked). But he had a rosy glow in his face (the last time I saw this, STFN was with sweat and he was tired).

He carried an orange folder in his hands. Aside from his companions (I’d give anything to see what they saw, to feel what they felt) there’s a massive jealousy on my part. It’s an ugly feeling, delusional even—all day assuming STFN carried that thing, it’s a damn lucky piece of paper! (Clasped in weary hands, feeling the creases, slightly thick corners and the soft areas that I noted so long ago) The hands that wrote so many things; the hands that drew the perfect (supply a word here); working hands; hands used to write a name (guess whose name was that); the hands that…

I should stop now before I clumsily say more. It’s a confusing feeling, really. It’s like being hit with… Matt’s guitar in the face? Yeah. It’s a bad shake after not thinking of it for a while. It’s half hope, half agony to summarize it. But please, let there be another instant even if it’s correspondent only! I want to know how Sir M. Dedalus is doing, I want to hear if he remembers (it’s a proof) things. But I know it’s not enough! I must talk even for once! So I can be settled (and horribly shaken at the same time) and not dwell on it so much (but is there such an assurance to not dwell?)…

Even for 15 minutes of actually hearing a laugh, chuckle, rant, rave, breathe, watashi no namae… YOU PIERCE ME! (as Jane Austen said in... Persuasion, I think).

~~I'm not sad. Just horribly dismayed and ... melancholic~~

"AITTAKUTTE! demo aenaikutte"

February 23, 2008 Saturday

Music: Exo-Politics
Koisuru for the day: STFN as Vanichka

Just sucks to be the lazy ass me. And yes, I’m prideful thus I hurt. I’ve been slacking off the whole midterms and no wonder my grades went down except for a few… I suck at English. HAHA. I was too lazy to do anything and yes, I am guilty. I know perfectly that I don’t really exert enough to study and yet make passable grades (I got a 92 in Sociology and a 90 in Literature for just slacking off…) BUT DEYM that was just too much. Anatomy. CRAP. Deep fucking shit crap. And I just diverted my whole mindset in reading your Family Chronicle… it’s a painful process, especially after getting to the part where sobbing Van (there’s a beautiful interplay of images it conjures in the mind as I can a grown Van Veen and his younger 15 year old version Vanichka in absolute despair from his separation) is surprised by his ‘cousin’/ sister’s presence: a very beautiful Ada (with longer languorous ebony locks whose façade shifts from her 13 year old self to the grown woman she has been) after years of not seeing each other. This is WAY better than The Notebook I tell you. It’s much more… tasteful and rich.

There was so much going on but it falls into one coherent piece (piece by piece) memoir and it gives me a dry tight feeling in the mouth when I read about the ‘cousins’ (their official relationships and not as siblings) muted touches to one another. It’s like actually smelling Ada’s hair, as young Vanichka Van did as he crept up behind her being busy with her botanical studies at a tender age of 12 (as you read further it’s said she has an IQ of 200 and something). Or feeling the texture Nabokov described as she reclined back to the eternal elm tree at Ladore where they had their messy fumblings and amusing sardonic-sweet conversations. It’s fucking insane. I don’t want to finish the novel. I’d rather set my sights on more H.P Loveraft and exo-politics (fascinating…)

I saw STFN Dedalus and in the Dreaming, sadly. It was his birth day during that time and for some reason I found myself in the corridor of a school and this school was where he was right now. During a class session, I inquired what was the event (boys were quite rowdier) and a student said it was actually STFN’s birth day but it was a secret and only the class knows. But the student doesn’t mind me knowing as I’m not a student there. I told the boy (quite taller than me but younger) to ask for their mentor to come out. STFN saw me (and after reading the chapters from Ada or Ardor this morning, it was like Van seeing Ada, with much desperation…) and jumped from his seat. STFN lordy will approach me, given the lingering gaze. Shame that I woke up.

Why am I deprived of these? (Both grades & seeing people i miss terribly) Can I not at least talk to SOME people (paramours? Luischka? *snickers* Ma diablement attrayante, été mon premier amour… Le verbe se languir suggère , l'attente et le désir…) even in my dreams? STFN DEDALUS (so similar from Joyce’s Portrait of an Artist but still so wonderful in your own right) Je m'ennuie tellement de toi! Je pense à toi très fort!

~~C'était la chouchou du professeur.~~ Or so I say, or so they say… I just miss STFN. And I'm just too depressed about my grades. I shopped a while ago to compensate...

Le sigh~

February 18, 2008 Monday

Music: Exo-Politics
Koisuru for the day:

Saturday was awesome! I got to hang out with Erika and her family and a whole lot of people I didn’t know but know me and remember me as the scruffy gangly little girl years ago. It was embrassing because for the first part, being this awkward girl that I am, I couldn’t talk to anyone and mom was staying on the far end of the ballroom (separate tables). Though there was this really cool cousin of Erika that happened to notice my ‘disability’ and just talked and talked. It gave me a head start actually.

Good food but horrid music. I don’t dance and I was really mortified when Kuya Athan (Erika’s cousin) asked me to dance and the music was like RnB or something. I don’t dance and I don’t dance hip-hop or street and being around someone who dances so well (I felt bad for Kuya Athan because it was kinda embarrassing being with me who’s obviously struggling). And the dress I wore wasn’t really my kinda thing. I don’t wear skirts. I don’t like exposing my legs. It’s really a big feat for me to parade in that short dress my mom asked me to wear.

I got to meet Erika boyfriend, Sherwin who’s really a kind guy. He wasn’t a proud asshole or what… Very much filled with the macho aura but really, I could only say he’s just right for Erika and I’m really happy for her that she has this guy. I met her ‘sis’ as week, Carol whose quite charming also and really, really friendly (I thought she was a snob). I also happened to meet Gerald, who’s actually adorable. He’s adorable in a very awkward, geeky way (which I actually liked) and he’s got some weird pessimistic humour, which I also liked. He says a lot of crazy babbles like how the both of us were compatible because we were the only ones who wore black. And he asked me to dance with him and yeah, it was terribly nice. And other weird things ensued after that. HAAAX~! XD

I got dragged into sleeping over at Erika’s place, which wasn’t in my plan. But no regrets actually. I got to hang-out with some rowdy people: Erika of course was there along with Sherwin, Carol, Gerald, Kuya Athan and Kuya Erikson. We stayed up until 3 or something or it was just me and Gerald awake that time because everyone was too wasted and tired to stay up late. It was fun sleeping over with them and got to talk about shit and stuff. Really awesome time with awesome people~ Everyone was talking about on how we wished to hang-out again (actually it’ll be no problem for Erika and me and also Kuya Athan who is actually just my neighbour! XD)

I’m fine and tired. And still, my pride is hurt (somewhat) over other matter. And I got to see JUMPER in the cinemas and… And I got to see Jamie again, which is sweet. He’s also another adorable, awesome person :D HAAAAAX again! XD Jemeh, Jemeh you fking mad bstard~! Haha.

And please go watch the movie JUMPER. It’s quite awesome for the action. And the Jumper version of “the Tokyo Drift” (that’s what we called it) is just fcking kewlness.

February 14, 2008 Thursday

Music:
Koisuru for the day:

RED RED RED is definitely the color of the day for me (due to an accident) aside from the fact that today is VALENTINES DAY. This day isn’t really a big deal for me or whatever. It’s just interesting to see people and they creamy expressions being given all the flowers, hugs, kisses and love, love LOVE as if they can’t get enough. I’m not resentful about it or whatever negative vibe I seem to be giving. I’m actually happy for the people and it’s nice to see these kinds of things other than hearing about loneliness, poverty, murder and etc…

Messages?

To my family and delightful friends, I’ve loved you and still do so, so much! I can’t express how much love I hold for you people for keeping me in this world despite my bane existence. HAHA. LOVE BITES~! Yum, yum, yum!

To MATIFOO/mr.bells/delightful MUSE of my adolescent desires, I love you! HAHA, simple as that! It’s so hard to fight certain urges that you trigger and so, so fiendishly cunning you are without noticing it. Or it’s just me. We should watch the movie ‘Flirting’ together! That would be excellent and you can comment on young and adorable Danny Embling/Noah Taylor and how it could’ve been you in those days. I’ll drink to your outstanding music that is just ecstasy. HAHA.

Milord STFN Dedalus, it was a ravishing RED day for me (pun intended dear) and was it so BLUE BLUE BLUE for you being surrounded by so many BLUES in a royal BLUE shade? (pun intended as well)… I tried to recall the events of the day two years ago as I greeted my Logic professor in the corridor. You smiled. It was just perfect. Thank you very much and I thank you again for then… Happy hearts day! P.S. You still have it…

February 7, 2008 Thursday

Music: Handel's Sarabande - Maksim Mrvica
Koisuru for the day:

To A.H
I would’ve loved to live in someplace in this world that closely resembles your home! You with pearls in your hair and jewelled coifs, corsets with lush laces and satin ribbons… I’d love to wake up in those clothes as the time then decreed and be amidst cerulean skies and a massive Italian house. Yes, in Italy definitely! In the days where there were courtesans and where the battle of the Turks and Venetians for Constantinople was still freshly etched in the minds of the people… I would be the young pupil of an esteemed scholar. He would teach me the vernacular of Latin, Greek and other languages and art and literature mostly. And this signor, dearest Esteban/ Estepphen/ Stephen/ Stefan/ STFN would be just… wonderfully brilliant. He’d be as he was now, unmovable, stern, kind, mysterious… ICE. This prolific man lives in my Marco, in my Leonard Maximillen—decades older than I but so stuck in this eternity I’ve created to fill my insatiable wishes! To be born again in that day and age of the flourishing culture and with … Dreams, dreams, dreams—Still 17, R.

I am drunk with delirium. I’m reading too much Anne Rice again.

February 4, 2008 Monday

Music:
Koisuru for the day:

I went to this place this afternoon:

And yes! I discovered they’re selling Junji Ito mangas! GWAHAHA! And I also saw copies of SCARY BOOK, a compilation of Umezu Kazuo’s work on J-horror! SWEET~! They're selling two issues of these comic books worth 700php! I WANT TO BUY THEM! *__* I was really ecstatic a while ago and really spazzing and I wonder if that book keeper guy noticed my utter weirdness. It was just so wonderful to read the first chapters of Scary Book (apparently there was one copy that was open) and I spent a great amount of time at that place. I so love Fully Booked! THANK GODS for it!

I’d love them more if they happen to sell some of Shintaro Kago’s works including ABSTRACTIONS~ That would more wonderful~ GAHAHA *giggles insanely* ERO-GURO IS LOVE~!

Credits to SAME HAT! For the ABSTRACTION scan!

Lit exam a while ago and I didn’t take it seriously (again). HAHA. No, not really—just the studying part. I only depended on ‘stocked knowledge’ when I answered those stuff and yeah, I’m not expecting a really high grade on this one :P I’m such a lazy ass bum. And well for tomorrow, the HAPPY AUSTRALIANS are coming to visit me here at home so we could study for Logic and I.T (screw both subjects… screw it).

February 3, 2008 Sunday

Music:
Koisuru for the day: louis Garrel

Matthew: How did you and... How did you and Theo... come together the way that you are?
Isabelle: Theo and me? It was love at first sight.
Matthew: But he's never been inside you?
Isabelle: He's always inside me.

...This is when young American boy asks his lover about her relationship with her Siamese twin brother. It’s definitely more than just her brother’s physical presence inside of her, if you know what I mean. I dunno, I just loved that scene especially Eva Green’s face when she said ‘it was love at first sight’ between her and her twin brother in the movie. It was so beautiful! The film entirely wasn’t so spectacular though it definitely had a lasting effect on me especially about the turbulent relationship between Theo and Isa. It was endearing, really… Strangely, it’s somewhat how I imagined I would be if things were more laxed and I had the company of amazing two people. And without the forfeit game yet with screws. HAHA. Eva Green, Michael Pitt and Louis Garrel were just… wow in this film. They have an amazing chemistry when you put them together. I’m really just so happy :D

reality is definitely like this, if you just have a closer look on young people like us.

we hang out in the spare room lately. i'm just bummed. HAHA.

January 31, 2008 Thursday

Music:
Koisuru for the day: mr.bells.

"I repress Mr. Bells" - JNX

IT JUST CAN'T BE~! I probably shouldn’t have listened to a recorded shout of his. Yeah, I'm crazy making a separate file of someone's spontaneous (yetohsoenthralling) screams~ It just sends me weird tingles. HAAAAX! But being the freak I am, I listened to it all over again to give me that go. And because I loved it so much, I’m listening to it again. This image just comes alive in my mind that a beautiful face could be so twisted with agony and rage… Just mad, mad rage that just fills me. YEAHIknowright?I’msodamnweird… HAHA.

I could just taste this raging creature. End. Repeat. Play. Ecstasy.

January 30, 2008 Wednesday

Music: Typical - Mute Math
Koisuru for the day: Milord STFN in his traditional blue polo & black pants

FABLE perhaps?

A.H, L.A and M.P have been involved in an argument sometime during when the sun and moon are both present in the heavens. It was something petty if one would inquire the reason of their sour expressions and sharp accusations. To whom did the “Jeune Fille” (the young sylph in the Waking World whom they exercise the art of influence to) get her vanity? The three young women, not sisters but apparently beyond simple familial relations, were all equally vain. They have distinguished mannerisms from each other but nevertheless still vain.

Jeune Fille woke up from a dream, something less vivid in images but more lucid. Jeune Fille, in her dream, was to read the regular morning paper when she stumbled upon a surprising article. It seemed that one young étudiant has professed her love to her mentour in that article and has detailed every aspect, moment with the said mentour. And reading further, it was found out that these moments with mentour (two decades older) have happened simultaneously with Jeune Fille’s OWN experiences with the man. Jeune Fille twitched in discomfort knowing that it was the very same individual that she admired with terrible ardor. The more she twitched as pictures of the young étudiant and the (un)known man greeted her line of vision and they were far more ‘close’ compared to Jeune Fille and the same man. Other ‘hurtful’ details were described enough to grind her teeth with mad jealousy and the last took the cake. Young and happy (and less able compared to Jeune Fille) étudiant celebrated a birthday right after graduation. And the man (who held both of the sylph’s young hearts) went out of his way to visit young étudiant and give her a present.

The man didn’t do such for Jeune Fille. Jeune Fille now wonders whether to still think that the man has done it unconsciously and just being the nice, gentleman that he is or really manipulative. And more importantly, the man seemed to reciprocate more the feelings of the young and less-able étudiant compared to Jeune Fille, with the large eyes. Jeune Fille cried, screamed and cried for Jeune Fille was supposedly the only one. THE ONLY ONE (insert foul curses here) and the man has said so himself. She was mad, driven by profound jealousy and was melancholic.

But all goes well for it was only a story, a dream granted by the Lord Shaper Morpheus. Morpheus is really the one Jeune Fille addressed her anger, being sly and heartless, by not heeding Jeune Fille’s wishes of ‘less depressing’ dreams. A.H, L.A and M.P was bidden by the young sylph to leave her for a while (believing that her vanity that the 3 maidens contributed, over these matters has got the best of her) but the 3 could not do it because Jeune Fille would cease to exist.

+++

I MUST STUDY @______@

January 29, 2008 Tuesday

Music: Siti in the City - The Great Spy Experiment
Koisuru for the day: Georgy & Paulie~!

New eye candies~! Meet Jungle George (yeah I know, right?! XD) and Paulie Di Vicenzo, members of the band that plays along with the Veronicas (you know, the Aussie teen twins that sang 4ever and Hook Me Up?). Try watching the Hook Me Up video by the Veronicas… You can see both of them there! HAHA. George is the one doing the keyboards and wearing those awesome shades. Paulie still had much longer hair in that video and he’s the bass player playing right at the center, behind the Veronicas.

George has lovely style. HAHA. I like how he moves on stage (but nothing compares to a certain ‘Bells’) and those synth sounds he produced for the Hook Me Up song. Coolness XD

Paulie is Italian! WAHAHA. He looks so dorky at the same time he’s like so hot XD And I love the shades he wore in this picture. Too sexy XD

+++++

Jinx and I have concluded that Matteo (ohdearMatteoMatteo) should not ‘occupy’ our thoughts 24/7. It brings bad, bad things to girls (and boys alike XD). We could be accused of rape. Or whatever. HAHA.

+++++

~~…I seem to have forgotten what else I wanted to type. HMM…~~ Nothing out of the ordinary happened today. It was a regular school day that’s like any other day.But I’m busy—that I can tell you. And moving into the specifics why I’m busy, that would be too complicated and I need to watch something for awhile. WOHOO~ The Dreamers by Bernardo Betolucci anyone? And speaking of movies, hopefully Sweenet Todd is still in theaters so the HappyThreeFriends can date! (i miss stalking moments with Stef & Kat)

January 28, 2008 Monday

Music: FNT - Semisonic
Koisuru for the day: STFN Dedalus

People may notice once in a while that their lives are like a series of repetition. And I also think that it’s some kind of big irony that at the same time, you feel a sense of detachment from the events that you suddenly experience again. How do you cay it? It’s like despite knowing that this is something the same was before, the feeling and experience still varies. It may be like you felt the same way before but somehow it feels so different. And I guess it’s a good sign because it’s like a measure on how much YOU’VE changed. Thinking about it, it’s always us who are constantly changing. Our perceptions change in a much more profound way compared to the physical changes our environs had. I’ve been feeling this way lately…

But still the discontent hasn’t left me. I want something way beyond different, I want something ELSE. I want something that could really put a stop in things for a while and let me taste that thing for a long time. I want a life changing thing or anything so I could break from this austere state… And is it so wrong to ‘dispose’ of some things just to get this? It most cases, depending on your ‘methods’, it does. Do I care? A little. I’m really selfish when it comes to these things…

I’ve been talking about things with mother and it was one of those things that made me ponder about the freaky future ahead of me. I don’t usually think about these things because it just gives me freaky shivers. I don’t really think about the future serious matters and moments ago, it just made me actually do it. My mom makes me do things I’m not really comfortable with; nevertheless, I love the experience XD Just a random thought: how do I see myself in 10 years, realistically?

Realistically, I’ll be 28 by that time. I’ll look way older than I am right now and be stressed out working as a nurse in New York and I’ll be living in the neighbourhood near my older sister and other relatives. I’ve be this nurse with a more concrete no-nonsense attitude in my profession. And I have other part-time jobs like working in a library or an illustrator. And yes, I’d probably be with a wonderful man by that time and we love each other like freaking passionately and it just burns us. And planning our marriage already. Freaky… Marriage is like, DAMN. HAHA. And I’m getting closer to death, every minute.

And this comes with a follow up question and that is how do I see myself in 10 years unrealistically? I’m working at a hospital in Italy and living there for a certain period of time. Apparently, I’m rich for some reason (I could say that I’ve been really hard working in the job I have). And I travel a lot, all around the world. And I get to have different part-time jobs. And I’m with a wonderful sexy someone who just captured my heart and make me go insane and all invigorated and that person’s effect on me is like listen to MUSE’s music. This person goes with me in my travels and when we are together, we live on this studio type apartment and this person makes my art extra beautiful.

HAHA. CHEEESE~!

It’s kinda hard thinking about the realistic part. I really don’t want to have my future all planned out because I might get really disappointed. But that’s just me and it is nice to think about it once in a while. What are the possible things that might happen along the way before 10 years? My gender orientation would probably completely change or remain in-between forever; I’ve had a passionate screw (haha possible, indeed); crying for things that have died; my family and I live somewhere else other than our current home now… There’s just so many things.

But before all these, it’s just NOW. And now, I have to get ready for school.

January 27, 2008 Sunday

Music: Give Up - Young Love
Koisuru for the day: he

-Something interesting happened today. Apparently I justified the claim that JNX and I have to MUSE’s “Time is Running Out” (which is that it is orgasmic music). I make things bleed without being aware of anything. Male blood is surprisingly much thicker. Or is it just me. MATTEO MATTEO MATTEO~! I srsly lost my head a while ago. DEYM.

-“Once you pop, you can’t stop”—according to Ron. I’m beginning to understand this better, being faced with it in reality (being surrounded by people facing this). It’s actually something inescapable and as weird as it may seem, I’m fine being entertained by people’s dirt and all. It’s like Viktor Frankl said, others are having a much harder time than you so with that you should feel better. And honestly, I’m quite amused and happy. And it actually makes me wake up every single day as I have something to look forward to.

-Someone joked to me that I’m probably too manipulative that they don’t even notice I’m already doing it to… other things. That person is probably right. PROBABLY.

-I love Urbandub LIVE. I absolutely love head banging and my ears being raped by ear-splitting heavenly guitar riffs. But fucking shit, I’d give anything to see MUSE live. Really, anything… And this thought is grating me every time I think of it again and again. It’s just damn sad that I can’t have it now. I DAMN WANT IT NOW! I want to actually breathe the same air that surrounds Dom, Chris and especially Mr. Bellamy. Thinking about it makes it so hard to function properly.

-I cut my bangs again. HWEE. I wanted to have a hair cut but I somehow put that idea aside because of an erm… reason. It’s related to the very reason I’m called Joey these days at school (but generally I don’t mind if they do call me a guy’s name). And oh yeah, another nickname I have now is CLICK. And the actually the names CLICK & Joey are both really related to each other.

Recognize this dude? If not, his name is Joey from the band Click Five *snicker*

-It’s already midterrrrrrrrrms!

-I was disappointed yesterday (somewhat). Probably I’m expecting too much. Beloved associate NOODLE explained that milord isn’t someone who’d actually return to that place and moreover, who would he return to? His ‘bestfriend’ probably. But the bottom line was, ASA pa akong makita siya ulit sa lugar na yun. So, I’ll cross-out that place from the list of possible places where STFN Dedalus would be. Watching the while presentation, it brought back a lot of memories… I miss working backstage. And I still have an affinity for that day… Locked in space, locked in time, forever…

-I can’t maintain a decent ideal weight.

when I’m dancing with you
tomorrow doesn’t matter
turn the music up
til the windows start to shatter
cuz you’re the only one who can get me on my feet
and I can’t even dance

January 20, 2008 Sunday

Music:
Koisuru for the day: he

Mother and daughter conversation tonight:
Mom: What if you ever happen to see him again, after a while?
Me: That would be great. It’s been… more than two years since the last time.
Mom: What if he likes you suddenly? Just a random question…
Me: Impossible… Really, you shouldn’t tell me things like this
Mom: Why?
Me: *mutters* I seriously don’t want to say anything about this.
Mom: He’s like (insert 30-something age here)
Me: I’m already distressed! You want me to get sick again?!
Mom: No, it's just that I'm agreeing to THAT kind of possibility. IF EVER.
Me: *nofreakingshit* uh... rightttttt....

Okay… That was an un-called for outburst and mother dearest just snickered. Her reading the damn letter to me didn’t do anything good. It didn’t do a fuck good at all and she probably wanted to see my cry (because she hasn’t seen me do that ‘human thing’ for the longest time). But I really do love my mom and this is actually one of the things I love about her. It’s only that I didn’t further elaborate on how things are lately because I might become a wreck again. Or wreck-lite… whatever. I just endlessly wrote and I’m still not through. Obviously, this blog won’t showcase whatever it is I wrote to free me from aggravation or to prevent me from having a so-called ‘relapse’ again. Gods, I’m just so weird. The significance of several moments along with a person is unexplainable. Words here are becoming inconvenient because they lack something to fully describe a feeling that transcends in mere paper or pages.

“Do you remember, the day we have spoken again? It was the day you held my hand to help me stand, like the other times you held it to show appreciation? It was like this...” - A.H

January 20, 2008 Sunday

Music: Thousand Miles - Vanessa carlton
Koisuru for the day:

This is somewhat correct. Somewhat. I got this from this site: HERE

At this time you are feeling 'uptight' and you are urgently in need of rest and relaxation; but perhaps even more than that you need to overcome that feeling that you have been 'hard done by' and treated with a complete lack of consideration. Maybe you have, but whatever may have been the cause of your inherent anxiety, you regard the situation as intolerable. Your are, however, sufficiently competent to turn that situation around - you have overcome similar problems in the past, and really this one isn't too different.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image in the eyes of others. You are looking for acknowledgment from your peers and those who come into your sphere of influence. You want to be liked, not for what people think of you but for what you really are.

At times all of us would like to be like the ostrich - to be able to bury our heads in the sand and let the rest of the world go by, but unfortunately you can't do just that - you have to face up to reality. A little peace and quiet would be most acceptable at this time but if only one could turn a blind eye to the problems of the day! Tomorrow is another day and who knows, it could be 'today' (not tomorrow) that could be the first day of the rest of your life!

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticize you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.

+++

Last night was a relapse mode; waking long dormant frustrations are bad for me which results in mild fevers and heavy breathing. I could’ve checked my BP and somehow after learning to get the pulse rate, indeed my heart was racing. It was weird but I’m recovering. I shouldn’t think too much while I’m sick. GAGS. Anyhoo, I’m off to an afternoon rest (which I don’t usually do) and have David Copperfield to accompany me to bed (the book by Dickens, not an actual male)…

“If I had been that selfish, I wouldn’t have returned the ancient David Copperfield to you. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wasn’t bold to do anything like that and it would break trust, which is the most important thing above all. But what would’ve happened if I didn’t return that last ‘transaction’?”

January 19, 2008 Saturday

Music:
Koisuru for the day:

V.N

Once again you’ve spoken for me. Thank you for your words. They are most appreciated and quite fitting for the circumstances. I think you must know I’ve spoken of someone I haven’t been thinking about lately. Indeed, I can’t deny that it was a refreshing kind of taste once the name rolls in my tongue. It’s not a ‘lovely, lyrical, lilting name’ to some but definitely, after hearing it come from my mouth after months (perhaps) it made me stagger due to some profound feeling hitting me again.

~~“STFN: The name I gave him for our common love and admiration for this author… He’s Stephen and it’s a name I gave him. It’s his name that’s only for me” This is what I wrote ages ago.~~

I read aloud to someone what I wrote about that name and its bearer. I told her so many things. Even if I told her only bits of the whole un-glamorous history, everything came back again. V.N, it screws me. It’s grating me insanely and I just want to cry. This is the time where even Matt holds no power over me, even food or reading! I want to go to the blue.eagle library or even around K-------- or wherever! Gods, wherever STFN’s shadow treads! I want to feel again what was gone for such a long time. Is there something wrong with me? I’m at loss at words for this… I’m fucking frustrated again.

In your beautiful words V.N you’ve spoken on my behalf: “My love for you was the throbbing, welling, warmth of tears. That is exactly how I imagined paradise: silence and tears, and the warm silk of your knees. This you could not comprehend”

I just want to write more. Your avid reader, R.

January 18, 2008 Friday

Music: Pretty Little Nightmare - Stefy
Koisuru for the day: mr. molko

I’m freaking sick again, can you believe it? I have a fever~! And I’m still feeling woozy. It’s probably because of the changing weather from frustratingly hot to super cold, being tired from school and the community service thingies we do, the tequila, being stuck under the rain without an umbrella on several occasions and lack of sleep (?) I’m taking my meds constantly now. Though I’m rather glad I’m sick because that means I’m going to loose a little weight. HAHA.

“My darling
Who knew”

I managed to read but most of the day I slept with a burning fever. And I hate it that my throat just hurts so badly and the thing is there isn’t any sticky phlegm… Everything’s just stuck in my nose and I still look so wasted. I look more wasted than usual with the bleeding chapped lips to match with. I want to go shopping but alas, can’t, can’t~! I need new movies to watch now and damn I knew I should’ve bought the Virgin Suicides when I saw it…

I FREAKING WANT AVIATOR SHADES! I need to shop T___T

I love you. haha. so random.

January 16, 2008 Wednesday

Music: Blue Monday - New Order
Koisuru for the day: ...

Screw my frequent migraines and menstrual cramps. I feel like I’m seriously going to throw up. Fuck the heat.

i'd rather
taste blood, yours or mine, flowing
from a sudden slash, then cut all day
with blunt scissors on dotted lines
like the teacher told.
-"on edges" adrienne rich

January 15, 2008 Tuesday

Music: The Smiths
Koisuru for the day:

Welly, welly, well~!

I wasn’t feeling quite well in the drawing contest thingy and the result was a much messier and less composed drawing than expected. I was tired and basically bored. I had my music meds to keep me going while I was working and worrying about my latest nail polish. HAHA. BOO~!

HWEE~! I love the boys so much! Wonderful movie and I think that the play was wonderful as well and possibly even better than the movie! The dialogue was less condensed than the movie and there were cut-off parts. And haha Jamie Parker wearing his glasses are absolute LOVE! God I love this movie! And Posner~! HAHA. Thank you Alan Barnett for this wonderful creation~

I’m just so tired right now and menstrual cramps just suck. I’ll probably be stuck with more DVDs for tonight…

The first feature of esteemed directors James Corden and Dominic Cooper~! More from the boys! I so love Samuel Barnett! I love the way he acts and really, Stephen Campbell Moore is just hot even when looking like that! Brilliant ensemble basically and LOL to Jamie Parker jumping from the background. I wish I’d see more of these boys in the future~!

the brilliant history boys :)

January 14, 2008 Monday

Music:
Koisuru for the day:

Busy, busy at school. For tomorrow’s agenda, I’m going to take part in this drawing contest thingy for the English week at our school and it’s been likes years since I last joined one of these things. I don’t know… CEU didn’t have these kinds of contests or whatever and HS was pretty much group competitions, which was absolutely fine. And ever since then I’d like to think I was competing with my self. It just keeps me from completely slacking off and to keep up with myself in terms of artistic development or whatever you call it. Lately the sad part is I haven’t been writing or drawing. I have commission works yes but they’re put on hold because of my utter laziness. I’m at fault. And even at this moment, I’m not doing anything about it.

I suck when it comes to these things.

And yes, since I’m going to miss Sociology due to this contest I won’t be able to report. HAHA. YEAH! I’m saved from the burden of reporting and much thanks to the opportunity because I detest staying in front of the class and speaking. Srsly, I can’t stand it. It’s probably why I talk so fast when I report or something.

Nothing much happened earlier in the day. It sucks that the questions I’m more inclined to answer at our English class were given to other classmates. There was one question that was given and our professor was asking this classmate what she would prefer: live concerts or wait for the DVD version. And what band would she like to see, why and etc. I would proudly declare MUSE or Placebo and gods, it would be such a thrill and a honor to see them live! It’s really a big deal for me to actually see them LIVE because it feels like you’re actually taking part in their purpose or whatever purpose they have for making such beautiful music. And it’s like you have the experience first-hand because you were there! And whatever the future holds for me in this ardent wish that I have, I’m going to be prepared. 100 php per day would be enough for front row tickets on a concert of an artist that comes to the Philippines (well technically not good enough but it’s a start!. It’s a damn shame I couldn’t get to watch Vertical Horizon perform. I found about it too late… Gods, I could just wish!

This reminds me of the sad fate Alex DeLarge experienced with the Ludivico Technique. Poor Alex was fond of music most especially Beethoven’s and watching concentration camps along with the Ninth Symphony as a score wasn’t a good one. In any way or form or whatever, I hope that doesn’t happen to me.

And why can’t I fucking download from multiply anymore?! Explain this fucking thing that’s going on?! I’m note resourceful when it comes to download sites so screw that this happened. I was even planning to download soundtracks from the History Boys! ARRRGH

Fuck this V.N. Why is the world coming to this? I’m sure you definitely have a lot to say on whatever is going on. And please could you let a miracle happen by magically sending to me copies of every book you published? I’ll be most thrilled. And euro. Love, your avid reader R.

[edit] HAHA. I’m triumphant V.N! All is not lost because I can still download from that place. Tomorrow’s such a happy new day again and I’ll face it with comforting music from The Smiths and Echo and the Bunnymen. They’re happy trippy 80’s songs and I guess I could go way further than the 80’s. We’ll see~! I really wish I could be a successful cross-dresser someday and wear those black polo shirts, pants and white suspenders that Matt wore when I last saw him. Ohyeah. Russian boys are extremely androgynous by the way V.N. In your youth you were cute but strictly a ‘young boy’! HAHA. I wonder if you ever did model young Van Veen in your youth and if those encounters with young Veen and Ada were as passionate as yours with your first child love???

I’m thinking aloud once again. Off to homeworks and studying…

January 9, 2008 Tuesday

Music:
Koisuru for the day: milord stfn

Manic Wednesday! I don’t even clean my room so cleaning the streets somewhere in Taguig is like somehow a big deal to me. Honestly, I don’t particularly care if the place is dirty or not and if it is dirty I’ll stay away from it. I’m more concerned on the current state of my room, which clearly mirrors the slob that I am. Sleeping on the half side of my bed with the other half filled with newly bought books and clothes is something I definitely have to change for this week. Definitely.

Anyhoo, I went back to the Fully Booked place at Serendra (the place I hang out lately after school) and found much to my annoyance that I can’t find any books of Nabokov on the shelves. Is this serious or I’m just absolutely blind and missed it? I’m supposed to check out if there was any new copies released under his name but unfortunately, V.N was not to be found. Even Good Omens! Screw it. No matter; I bought F. Sionil Jose’s novel “Po-On” for our Philippine literature class and currently I’m reading it… along with Collected Stories by V.N and Possession by A.S Byatt.

Two major reporting tomorrow: Urbana and Felisa for Literature class and Gender and Ethnicity for Sociology… I’m screwed. I don’t particularly like reporting. Nevertheless must push through with it for the damn grade.

Additional: I absolutely hate the fact that the cheeseburger sandwich at McDonald’s became 37 pesos, I can’t buy that amazing top I just saw (for now). Only 300 php! WINNER~! And I haven’t the time to watch A Clockwork Orange (FINALLY GOT MY OWN COPY FROM THE MAGICAL TIANGE! MWAHA! IT PWNS!)

Credits