11:41PM
Okie...that was just me in my lab today... I wasn't at all feeling that well....hence the reflective entry that would reveal some of my dislike....for a portion of the world I'm not liking at that moment...now onto some other thing...

Hard to believe that in a few more minutes will be the day that changed the landscape of New York forever... it's not to say that they won't rebuild the Towers...but would that be worth the price...?

It'll be nice to rebuild the towers over again, without the fact and reality that so many people persished there......but if they ever consider rebuilding the towers again...I would say that's an obvious discredit to the old trade towers.

I know that they will build a memorial there, but to me...it will be a place of regret and rawness that me being a citizen of New York City...would be keen to feel.

Because no matter what...whenever there are pictures or mention of that day....mentally I know that I will choke up.... and the grief would still be there.

The only thing I wish that I could say now....being reflective...and wishing for the well being of the family. To a church aquaintance....who I grew up with. That his wife perished in the towers was a great tragedy...tho I never met her formally. I could remember her greeting me from afar.

Wishing for a peaceful day tommorrow for you, Edwin and to your family....and also... may goodwill and God be with you...Cindy....for may you rest in peace.....

Tuesday, Sept 10, 2002
It is sometimes disheartening to be reminded of the fact time and again for the belief of life to be really unfair. From the last time I had wrote, in my blog that everything is sorta okay when it to some extent may not even be true.

I only talk on the events on what's happening when those are just short instances of what had happened at the moment. I guess in that manner as boring as it may sound. I'm trying to please the sterotype of a diary being a repetition of something to place in the memories. Which that could also be true. But of all my friends I know that Mina may be the only one that reads blogs on a regular basics.

But then that's dragging off on another subject. The reason why I'm writing this entry is something to just reflect on. I had recently started working in the library and to all my friends. They would know that I'm very much in attune to just working or being at the library. So I had gone to college with a continuing intent of just working in the library, but even that is getting to be a disappointment.

I had three stressful interviews in placing me to my position that I am in now...and it just annoys me to realize that even with the knowlege I had, it was just suitable to be placed in the basement, throwing out books that the library doesn't need. I'm not really liking that fact. I feel like a robot in that aspect...

The person who interviewed me, had wanted me place in the Computer Lab, but then to know that the supervisor didn't want me there. She said, "I'm not looking for a person that young... and that I may not be suited to working in that enviroment."

Bullshit....I know that I gave people a wrong impression of what type of person I am. I realize that.... but they can't just write me off. Even still....they chose another freshmen and placed her in the computer lab. I know that freshman they place; personally, and maybe that they deem her worthy...but I'm seriously disappointed. Me being a very socialable enthusiastic person...

I don't mean this in being disrespect to the current supervisor, I'm having under and that with this early in the game of college. But it's very disheartening.

I may just well be building a career around being a librarian...and that's the main reason why I chose the college that I'm now going to. That was before I realized how lonely this collge campus could get.

I've gotten out of the comfort zone that all my other friends are staying in...and trying to move on. I crave independence instead of dependency and I'm now paying the price. I do have some friends here and I do talk to people, but I can't find the niche of common, I had while I was in High School.

RLC had told me that college would be a time that you would find the friends for life, but I don't feel that way. Because in all cases, I may well be a loner. I get envious of the people who seem to have it so easy when they get to have plenty of friends. But with the activities I see around here...it's not really reassuring to have friends at all.

I'm human enough to admit that I am in dire need for a friendship that I have with Styles, Mira, Raven, Neko, Ling, Mina, Rioko, Aya or Slimy...becuase as I got away from home, away from the relience of my mother. I find everything changing and it irks me to see what is happening.

However, I can't just tie myself down... in order of suceeding, I must get a college education... because without an education. I know that I will be nothing but a burden.

My mother is such a person that I'm trying to acomplish the goals, for but she has such high expectations and threats, with forcing me back home to a CUNY college...unless I don't complain and move on.

This entry may just be a entry of complain, but know this, that I'm a person that really needs to complain and get my feelings out. Otherwise I'll end up like my sister...she has the misfortune of not communicating her problems and now she is with the problem of taking medication for life and having to go to a therapist constantly.

But yet again...that's another subject that I shouldn't get into. It's like opening a can of worms or airing out dirty laundry. Except for me...there's endless baskets of laudry to air out and nobody I know is willing to help. Nature of mankind...

I know it's a finacial burden on my mother, to be unemployed and with two daughters in college, but that's not to say that I don't want to burden her with problems. She'll turn it around on me and degrade me for not being strong enough.. I find that I can't speak with anyone about this...only to speak like this or talk to myself.

I don't care if I'm weird...but does that exclude me from not having close friendships that people around me have?

People told me time and again to not give up that I'm complaining too much, but there is the stress of keeping everything of my complaints inside.

I had expressed different opinions about joining up witht the OMU...but people told me that's labeling myself...I'm not gay and I'm just there to explore the possibility of just finding someone.

People do need people...and that is the weakness I'm falling under. There is a responsibility....that people must accomplish...but am I falling under the expectations of myself and of what is expected of me.

People told me that I'm in college, to learn...but I'm quesitoning....what is there to learn....and I know that I don't have the ability to know how to just study. My years of slacking off is catching up and I'm finding it very hard to adjust....with being a college student....

People place me in a mold that if I know a lot of things, that I'm suppose to be very smart. I guess in some form I am...but does that make me good enough for college?

People say that my idea of a major is wrong...but aren't I trying to please them by saying that I'm going for a dual major in time?

People say that I'm wasting time, by not studying and that I should devote every waking moment to studying...but where's the balance in that?

Because, I find myself failing in the abilities of being a responsible human....I'm not as perfect as what mom wants and she just says empty words.

People expect a lot from other people and to that end...I find myself lacking in so many areas....