What torture would you be?
Tuesday, February 19, 2002
01:29 a.m.
It feels soooooo damn good! O.o
Weeee! I had a nice weekennd after a lonnng time of boredom! Saturday was a normal but funny day.....we didnt hang out to anywhere...we went to a friend's houve cause the boys wanted to make some kites to fly it on sunday morning when we went to club. We spend the whole day there eating....swiming...sleeping or doing nothing...it was calm...relaxing was quite cool/...the boys tried to make de kites fly but it didint work. *LOL*
I arrieved home at 3 am on saturday from my friend's houve....then I make some thing s and food...so I slept at 4:30 am...and I woke up at 7:00 am...completely trashed...I didnt sleep the whole day....when I arrived home I totally dizzy and sooo tired taht I colapsed. I slept durin 15 hours...woo hoo...that was good...and the best thing is: I didnt had any nightmare...I slep like an angel.
My head hurts now...and it isnt because the sunstroke cause it was gloomy..maybe its cause I slept too much or cause I disnt eat anything today...blah I feel sick...I ate way too much there...I feel like Ill dont have to eat till the end of the week. BLAH!
I really had fun there... I wish it could happen at least once a month..weee there I forgotte all my problems...
Im feeling I did a good job and its such a great feeling...you know...I kinda promote that...ok it doesnt deppended only on me...but I feel damn good when something I planned and worked to well works....It makes me feel confident and sure about the carrer I choose for me....I want to make things work..I want to promote...produce things...oh gosh..thats all I want!
Well I've not done what I promised but thank god I didint ...or I would miss I great thing!!! heheh
Ill take some medicine now and try to rest....my head really really really HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -.-
Tuesday, February 19, 2002
12:39 a.m.
free time = stupid things
http://anguish.friendtest.com
Yeah...I did it.*LOL*
Im such envious girl!!!!
BWAHAHAHAHA!
Saturday, February 16, 2002
02:35 a.m.
HURTS! >.<
I went to Lins to visit my grandmother. Shes kinda sick...she has a neck benign tomour. She dont want to suffer a surgery to remove it...she says she's great and the doctor is lying but Im really worried coz she smokes and drinks A LOT! And if she keep things like this her benign tomour may become a cancer.
Shes old and stubborn...if she dont want to take her medicines and treat her toumor we unfortunally cant do anything......I just hope nothing worse happens but she only belives shes sick when shes really bad. -.-
Bah! she is the only grandmother/father I have alive....they are all dead...and one them (my mom's father) I dont even met cause he died before I was born.
Anyway, my stomach hurts like hell....maybe coz I havent eaten nor sleep very well latelly. I need to see a doctor...maybe that fucking ulceration came back...or maybe its just cause my eating habbits. Im going to see my doctor this week anyway...Ill take a blood test and maybe Ill ask for some vitamins..*sigh* let see what happens. -.-
Friday, February 15, 2002
04:03 a.m.
Once upon a time...
I bought(again) the "Mechanical Animal's", its almost 2 years since that asshole (I wish you cancer in the ass!!!) stole my old cd. I saw "antiChirist" too but I hadnt enough money...maybe Ill buy it next week.
This cd brings me lots of goods and weird memories, the time I was content with so little things but at the same time I wanted the whole world for me but I tought I was too old to get the things I wanted. HA! theres almost 4 years since that and that feeling of being in the end of my life passed...Im afraid of dying...but in other way..Im afraid of dying cause i know I have so many things to see and do...this things may not happen but Ill try my best.
At that ange I was so innocent and I've done things with no malice even the cuts and fights. Things had changed alot my life and mind...Im not saying im impure now or taht im the most experient person...its just..well now how things works outside...I know how people can act in certain circunstances I'd never tought I would present!
Im sure I still have lots to see and live, but Im really different than I was....yeah I grew up...Im less impulsive and less stupid (I hope). Im not lost like I used to be when I was 14 years old..I do know what I want and I know its hard to get what may piss me off...but is better than feeling lost with no perspectives.
Some things havent change...I've been trying but its hard...well I still hide my feelings...Im still selfish, lazy, obstinate and weak. But I've learned Im not the center of the universe. And of course I got some more (lots)imperfections...but Im trying to fix it all .
The fact is that even tho I miss so much that age I dont want at all get back. And as far as i can Im fine like this( now i understand what my chemisty teachear told me once....no matter what age and how your life is like in that moment you'll always think you are a better person and wont mind to get back on time)...so I hope Ill can put my life back on track as fast as I can to start working for the things I want.
What I most miss is passion and enthusiasm I had for the things I liked! I wanted and loved those things so bad taht Im sure i would kill to get them!!!! If I had half of the passion and enthusiasm I had things would be easier for me now. -.-
Thursday, February 14, 2002
02:35 a.m.
FUCK! >.<
Im DAMN pissed off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Im feeling FUCKING betrayed!!!!!And now with a real reason!!!!!!!!
When I say Im invisible nobody belives me...if Im in a place thats ok I do not bother anyone...but if Im not they dont even remember I exist!!!!They just talk to me when they need to..or when there's no one else. And then they come with a stupid excuse thinking I would believe...and the worst thing is that I pretend I do cause I have no one else to hang out.
Yeah I should have inured about this fact....but fuck! I cant! this thing consumes me and I cant do anything to change it...so if they dont care about me I should relax and enjoy when i can coz I have no other choise than them.
You know..it hurts coz I do like and care about them.BLAH! Maybe im being precipitated but it isnt the first time! And I wont let it pass.....yeah...revenge..a stupid one but a revenge....They may not even notice it but at least Ill feel fine...Im tired of beig a good girl...now Ill do something.
I know it sounds stupid but I NEED to stop being such fool!!!! I need to grow up and learn world isnt fair and nobody likes you as much as you think they do. Everyone is worried with their own asses and dont give a fuck to anyone!
So now I'll keep what Ive been doing for since I met them but this time with no remorse!
Wednesday, February 13, 2002
04:10 a.m.
>.<
I slept durin 12 hours....the whole day.....and instead of feeling relaxed Im completely trashed, and bored what is worse.
I think there's nothing to do tonight,Im damn want to go out, there's nothing to do here at home and alone...and I think they've gone without me, what is pissing me off.
Blah! Im paranoid!>.<
Tuesday, February 12, 2002
09:08 p.m.
Calm...weeee zen -.-
Had a nice night after a long period of boring and stressing weekends.
Nothing anormal happend...we just stood there talking(and eating)...Everything was calm, no stress, no worries, no boring bands playind 70's covers too loud to keep a conversation.
Well...I hope I'll have a nice night of sleep too with no nightmares...theres a long time I dont have a interesting dream. I've had weird dreams every night and always end up waking up scared.But right now Im not stressed at all...so I hope it wont happen today.
Going to bed now....let see waht happens. -.-
Note:Never start again a conversation wich can remind someone anything about your dirty past. *blushes*
Monday, February 11, 2002
04:20 a.m.
Boring night = stupid thoughts
I went to a bar called Planetbeer in a town next here. Yeah...another boring night.
A band called Hare were playing 70's covers (I really hate it) and the sound was too loud to keep a conversation...so it gave time enough to think (yeah..I stayed there from 11 pm till 3 am) about something that is not that impportant but sometimes really bugs me.
Ok...I was looking at those couples in love there and wondering whay I've never love anyone(ofcouse Im not talking in teh fraternal way).Well I guess I found the answers.
First: I too afraid of being rejected to think about another person even with my hormones, so loving this person becomes even more distant.
Then Im a really choosy person and the ones who fit my exigences are really inaccessible for me (Im really not a 'beautiful' type) so I may think about them with my hormones but I forbid myself to mind I have any chance.
Another point: I have this urge to hide my feelings the most I can cause..err.. I dont know ..but it make me feel ashemed so I'll never admit to myself or anyone Im interested or in love with someone.
Humm..I dont want to make my problems list even bigger and I know being in love with a person is = happyness + tons of problems. I dont want to be tigh in someone and loose my freedom nor change my habbits cause this person want to.
And just to give a final to my conclusions I know that when a person is in love her/him becomes blind and vulnerable and I am the kind of person who really NEEDS to keep things under control.
BLAH!..Im fine alone...I dont need anyone to bring me problems so.. FUCK OFF AND STOP ASKING ME WHY THE HELL I NEVER DATE ANYONE >.<
Sunday, February 10, 2002
05:20a.m.
Need to stop!
Things I CANT to understand:
1)How can I feel safe and scared at the same time
2)why Im scared of dying.
3)why Im so afraid of people, specially the onnes I know.
4)Why do I blush when I see/hear someone/something and get ashemed for them.
5)Why Pat put that THING aorund his nipple.
6)Why Im blushing while Im writting this.
7)How that BIG white candle showed up at my desk.
8)How can I hate and 'love' a person so much.(ok...need to explain this....is not a special person...its just people except best friends cause they need to do something REALLY bad to get ready of me and make hate them and they will alllways have a second chance but not a third).
9)Why funny situacions never happens when Im in certain places.
10)Why I still try to unsderstand things I cant -.-
Saturday, February 9, 2002
04:01 a.m.
..I am the voice inside your head..
I wasnt acepted in any college and It was supposed to make me feel sad and even more frustraded...but NO. Im happy it happend! One good new after so bad times!!!!
Im feeling free and kinda holpefull.. I REALLY didnt mind to live in those cities!!!ok....i didnt want to stay here studyng another year but there advantages in it:
1)Im prolonging my adolescence.
2)Prolonging my adolescence Im avoiding serius things like work and stuff.
3)I'll still live in my houve, in my messy but confortable room, with my mom coking, washing and stuff for me.
Its not what I wanted, but is better than going to bauru. and next semester I have another chance, maybe things will be better here and Ill be able to move there.
I kinda fixed up this problem...but its not the only was bugging me...but at least its one less in my list.
Friday, February 8, 2002
03:45 a.m.
...shoot myself to love you...if I loved myself I'd beem shooting you...
Ok..my feelings came back(dunno if it is or not a good thing), but i still cant give a fuck about the ones around me(sorry!). Im more selfish than ever and I've been paranoid/afraid again. Its just this sensation in my stomach...maybe cause tomorrow the results will be published...but its more than that...ya know..its like someone thats is impportant to me will die or I will and as I said before Im not worried with this possible person but how I will feel if it happens cause I DONT want another problem.
I've never beem afraid of death...but lately im paranoid...I was always afraid of getting older....yeah, I still am but now im REALLY afraid of dying. I DONT want to die...theres so many things I want to do before, I dont want to get leukaemia (yeah, im sure ill die from it) I dont want to suffer. And whats is freaking me out is that my hair is falling like hell= I got aneamia. I talked to my mom and she will look for a doctor who can treat my aneamia cause I dont want it to become leukaemia.
The urge to cut myself is stronger than ever(no I dont want to kill myself, im scared to die remember?)...and I CANT do it but I want to but I wont. BLAH!
GODS!! I must stop seeing my psychologis and look for a psychiatric...I know its not normal. My mind is filled with the worst thoughts someone can have. I know its because Im idler but my near 'busy' future instead of make hopefull make me feel even worse.
Yeah...I tried but I didnt accept the facts..Im still about it, and I feel really stupid but I cant control.
Anyway another thing has been bugging me latelly....I gave this add to someone...I shouldnt I but I did...so... IF YOU'VE BEEN GIVIN THIS ADD TO ANOTHER PEOPLE OR YOU ARE READING THIS AND JUDGING ME FUCK YOU. IF YOU DONT LIKE IT FUCK OFF, I DONT NEED YOU TO KNOW ABOUT MY PROBLEMS CAUSE YOU WONT MAKE IT GET BETTER!!!!!!!!! This was supposed to be a place where I writte whatever I want to without bother, yeah I've beem doing this but I DONT want it to change now!!!!!!!
I had bad times before....but I think its the worst cause nobody is making me feel like this...its me making myself guilty, frustrated and angry about something that im not sure is my fault. The situantion is out of my control...I hate it...I hate being the victim. And the Irony is that Im victim of myself. -.-
Wednesday, February 6, 2002
00:02 p.m.
*.*
Wednesday, February 6, 2002
12:07 a.m.
...still floating...
I'm still feeling numb or Im not feeling anything...I dont know...I cant explain.
It's weird cause things sounds and seems completelly different whithout feelings...you pay attention in details cause you're not envolved with that.
I'm like this since couple days ago.I cant say I'm scared with it cause I dont care.. but its still weird. My problem is not that big to make feel like this. Problably I'm just tired and need to rest.
I dont care about anything anymore...I'm just wainting to see what will happen cause i know I'll be fine. Sorry Lya I dont want you to worry about me...life is not fair...I totally agree...but Im not the only person who has problems and I NEED to stop complaing and learn to deal with it!
Note: Need to find a way to stop bugging/worrying people cause I do it even tho I dont want to.
Monday, February 4, 2002
04:03 a.m.
The time has come for bitter things..
I'm damn anguished...my stomach hurt like hell. My last chance is over....now is definitive...I wont move there.
Today was a really strange day......a normal but strange day. I think the fact I dont have any hope left made me feel weird...not sad...not desppointed...just wierd like I left behind or I betrayed someone.
I guess the one I left behind e betrayed was me. You kwon...i really tried to not plan anything, but I DID planned and everything went wrong. I tried my best to get what I wanted...but it doesnt depended only on me what made me feel impotent.
But today when the final decision was made I didint feel frustrated or sad...just weird...just like nothing happend, im not goin to college...I never wanted to move there...just like I dreamed every single moment at those tests and thoughts.
Im feeling like Im floating in space...kinda lost...kinda scared, just floating without destination.
Maybe I gave up of everything...or Im just giving myself a break....im not sure...Im confused...
WHY cant I acept this fact? WHY I have to suffer for something that daesnt have solution? WHY cant I just be happy with what I have and stop being selfish? Why do I need to complain everything? WHY simple things become soooooo huge and complicated for me?
I guess its because I was fool enough to believe things would happend the way I wanted to. Pathetic!
Saturday, February 2, 2002
01:33 a.m.
Trent *.*
Thursday, January 31, 2002
01:30 a.m.
...and we feel so small...
My appointment at my psychologist office this afternoon wasnt that funny...the pseudo-GAWTH girl didint show up. I dont know if she is goind to join us anymore...my diseres will be repressed again. Screw her.
Vivian and Renata came by this evening...we watched Amnesia...
We were talking about this college stuff and we all agree that we have no idea of what will happen to us this year and we are really scared about our near future. But I think Im the most worried about all this stuff cause dont want any option I have. I dont want to go to any of this colleges...and I dont want to stay here a study all again ending up with all that damn exam again!
Im frustrated cause I cant do anything to change it. this is not what I want for me. And i know that if im not going where I want this year then I never will.
Im feelling impotent and thats killing me. As always its showing up in my body. My stomach hurts like hell...my hair is falling and my allergy stuff came back.
I wake up thinking about it , fall asleep still think about it, and when I dream..I dream about it!
I cant wait till February 8 so I can see what i will do with my life...Ill still be frustrated but at least Ill know where Ill be and what ill be doing.
Frustration is not a new felling for me...Ill learn to deal with that...
All I want now is to put an end to this cause its driving me crazy and being too painful.
Im not fine, Im not happy, im frustrated but im scared to death to admit to myself that Ill NEVER LIVE in Sao Paulo and things WILL NOT be the way I want to.
Im a fucking looser.
Thursday, January 31, 2002
12:21 a.m.
Me...afraid...Mana
you wear vinyl miniskirts, you wear fishnet tights, you wear blonde wigs. take the quiz
here.
Wednesday, January 30, 2002
04:39 a.m.
Am I...?
Another friend of my father died this afternoon...yeah another...the 4th in 2 weeks!!! The first mouth of the year are not finish yet and disgraces enough happened for rest of it!
This friend of my dad suffered of throat cancer during 10 years. I know him since I was born...he worked with my father and everybody loved him there....he was like a father for them. My father said that hes really feels his death but its not like the other friend who died on friday night cause his was suffering and needed to rest..and at least he was a old man....the other was really young with kids in my age. Now Im scared to death...if things were bad to my father now is even worse...he lost 2 very important people for him in 2 days! I want to help him but I dont know how...the only thing i can do for him is give my support...and Im doing this.
I was talking to him this evening and he said he i as fine as possible, he is sad but it will pass....I think he wont get depressed..I hope so, but Im still affraid.
I had a stupid normal day utill this evening.
I had another exam today...easier and with anothe porpouse but still a damn exam! and after that my parents picked me up to go aout and have dinner. we were having a good food and a nice talk when the cellphone interrupted us. it was a friend of my dad sayind that a friend of them (one of my dad's best firends) were dead. This man, his brother and their brother-in-law were buried when a gorge came down while they were fishing!
We are totally in choke! My father cried a lot and this is such a rare thing! Im very worrie cause I know his depression will come bak and things will get even worse for me...every time my dad has a problem he ignore myself or make acids comentarys about me all the time. I know im beeing selfish....but the last time he got depressed I got a stomach ulceration.
I hope this disgrace circle stops growing arond me.....I really got enough of it...and the people I love too! Im tired of bad news and I know things can get worse. Im paranoid and scared to death, i dont want more bad things happening to the people I love!
It reminds me to stop bugging them for nothing.....my problems are just MINE and they dont have to loose their time with me.
I broke down today. All that exam stuff made my life a living hell, for nothing. there is so many bad things happenning around me that I couldnt hold this anymore! Nobody understend me.....Im too stupid for them and my reasons doesnt make any sence! I had to call my dad this afternoon and he was really rude and i started to cry when my mom arrived. I was talking to her about how im feeling bad cause I was drained and worried about my future and afraid about not beem acept in a college but she instead of supporting me and try to help said that it was all my fault and Im not dadicated enough so im not going anywhere cause I dont have the will power and im too lazy to change it. She was the only person in my house I tought believed me....I was wrong. NOBODY belives me!!!
I feel 24h frustrated, worthless...and I cant change it. I tried and Im stil trying to do my best but I never finish what I started. I dont have courage to keep things till its end, nothing motivates me. I realizes that almost all thing I want is impossible to get what makes me feel even worse!
After my break down I had a colapse and woke up with my mom by my side saying that she loved me and really care about me and thats why she said all those thing to me and said she was sorry!
She said was she was sorry...ok I believe her....but what she said hurt...and nothing is gonna change it!
Im feeling sick and dizzy since i collapsed....I had a really horrible day, im trashed but Im completele awake....more free time to think about my growing problems.
I went to my psychologist's office this afternoon. My dad want me to stop seeing her cause he thinks Im not making a good use of it. Ok....I agree with him....but e really like her and I have so much fun there! i made a deal with my dad....ill go there once a week and if I miss one day ill stop! At least she gave me a good new. Ill start (again) a group therapy...and a 12y old girl pseudo-GAWTH will join us! HA! my Wednesday's afternoons will be even better!!!ALL my repressed desires of kicking pseudo-GAWTHIC asses will become true! *.* cant wait till next Wednesday!!
Guess what.....I wont move to Sao Paulo! I hate bureaucracy!!! 3 interviews....lots of papers and the preference for careers like fisics, medicine...BLAH! they dont even have my career in their list!!!!!!! Its almost impossible!!!! My dream is over, but Im ok.
Im disappointed, but not that much, as I said before NOTHING in my life comes easily.
Anyway Turcu said 'hi' to me today, I think he forgote we were ignoring each other. I look at and see a totally strange person...and he USED to be my best friend. HA! I tought he was....but nobody who likes you make you feel guilt about something that HE should be!!! Things will NEVER be the same again! Is like he never existed to me, and I dont want him to be part of my life anymore.BLAH! Screw him!
Lua called me this evening to ask why I didint hang out with them the past two weeks..she said she missed me and blah blah blah! BULLSHIT! She called inviting me to a party she's promoting on saturday in a town next here. I probably wont go...another boring weekend!
Why I cant shut the fuck up??? I hate when Im stressed...i just cant control what Im saying....and I allllllways end up saying some shit! I hate myself! >.<
Today was the second day of that exam. I'm feeling dizzy an tired, 4 damn hour wrinting and writing with taht bitch looking at me all the time, i wish I could cut her head off and send he to hell to suffer till the rest of her eternity!!!!!!!!
One more day!!! just one...and it will be done...but is soooooooo hard, i cant stop thinking about my near future and I have no idea of where I'll be next mounth or if I still will be here in my city.
I don't wanna move to bauru at all....just thinking about it make me feel anguished and alone. But won't be alone there....nooooo she will be there to make my life a living hell!!!!
ALL I want is to move to Sao Paulo and study there...but I doubt i will. i'm not the kind of person who gets what want easily....and luck is not part of my life (how dramatic!! but true!).
My mind is elsewhere.....i cant foccus in anything....at the middle of the exam I realize myself looking at that fat bicht and imaginig all the possible ways to kill her. I'm going crazy and I need to stop daydreaming and sleep MORE and stop having nightmares.
Right now I can describe myself with something like a psyco-compulsive-homicidal-sefdestructive bitch!
Its not a good thing...not at all.
