Saturday, September 14, 2002
09:46 p.m.

...

I thinks there's a month since the last time I posted here. No that I dont have what to tell, I just dont feel like. I had some problems with my compie too.
After centuries without where to go on weekend I had 2 parties yesterday. The first one was a barbecue with Vivian's classmates. Was cool, better than I thought it would. We were drunk, we were inside that bathtube and I laughed my ass off.
The first one was at afternoon but end up late, I almost got let to the othher partie. I dind have much time to get ready for it. Was a costume partie and I was the Devil XD, we went first in a place to drink then we went there. I've never ever sawn so many people together in my lifetime. Was funny, the costumes was grest. I sow people I didnt for a long time, laughed a bit but was cold, I was freezing there so I came home early. I quit my medicines so I ould druink whatever I wante but I screwed up everything.
Everybody loved the party but now I feel so stupid because I wanst able to enjoy it, I dont think Im able to get out of my house anymore. I have to think very carefully before go to another party again, I dont want it to happen anymore. +.+

Sunday, September 1, 2002
02:32 p.m.

weeeee....

Fyx lend me a cd with some songs, most of them are 'gothic metal'. There's 'Bela Lugosi's' by The Hellfire Club *orgasms* , I had forgotten how much I loved this version. I have listened many version of 'Bela..' but this is the best for sure. *.*
There's another song that I dunno the name not even what band is. I cant say I like gothic metal but this song is just PERFECT *more orgasms*. It bring me memories like deja vus, its hard to explain, but feels good. *.*
I'm afraid fyx wont see this cd ever again. XD

Sunday, August 11, 2002
06:20 a.m.

...

Im tired...so damn tired of crying, this situation will drive me crazy. I have to go to school tomorrow, dad said he wont let me rot here, he want me to do something of my life and he dont care if he'll have to sell our house to pay my studies. Fuck off, I dont wanna carry this guilty , no way he'll do it.
I dont want to go there, but I will. I'm thinking about getting a job to pay for my drive lisence. Blah, I hate this idea but at least i'll be useful. I need to change my mind as soon as possoble. Geez. -.-

Monday, August 5, 2002
01:15 a.m.

BURRRRRRRRRRRN!

Mom woke me up and invited me to go to her friend's house. When we got there my AUNT was there, what the fuck was she doing there?? damn!!! Then she went to my house to sleep over AGAIN.
My father arrived yesterday, I thought she would stay away from here at least till the fucking weekend but no, she only didnt sleep here yesterday and Im sure she'll be here tomorrow. I couldnt help I got pissed at her, and she noticed, mom too and said she was disappointed, and she never tought I would treat someone so bad and I'll taht be old some day and I'll need the family. And we are the only thing she has and blah blah blah.
I have another aunt which is single too but she come here only on Sundays for lunch, then she go back to hers house, Why the fuck she cant do the same, she has a funcking house, and she can sleep over my aunts to. Im sick to death of her, of this situatin. She's in MY territory, she makes me feel unconfortable in my own house, she's with my mom all the time, she listen to everything she inst suppouse to. What I really wanted is to come yelling at her and say: 'can you please get out of my funcking house and die'?
My stomach is screwed, and I ate like a pig. I had a fuckinh reflux minutes ago, now my throat is hurting like hell and I have this terrible vomit tast in my mouth. She'll give another stomach ulceration. Fuck! ><

Friday, August 2, 2002
02:52 a.m.

Completely stupid normal day. Went to Sylvia this afternoon, nothing abnormal. Then helped mom coz her friends were coming and she wanted me to make a cake. Called dad and he said he'll arrive tomorrow noon, he said he bought me a cd..Korn, 'untoucheables'...which he said he wouldnt but he dicided I diserve it. ¬¬
I really want him back, I miss him around, and I know that when him arrives me aunt will leave. But I'll have to go to school, my classes begun last week, but Im skiping till now coz dad isnt here to take me there and Im too lazy to go by bus. Part of me is happy coz Ill have something to do and things will be back to normal, but I hate waking up early, is so damn dificult to me, I guess it is to anyone. Dad didint let me quit school, and he knows I wont do anything there, but he dont want me to stay roting in home. I hate taht place. -.-
Tried to read the book but my head is hurting like hell. +.+ Now Im watching a Jack Chan movie on tv, Jeez...they're all iqual. -.-

Wednesday, July 31, 2002
03:22 a.m.

...

*sigh* Mom woke me up this afternoon....but I cant remember why...probably she wanted to bug me...and she did. She came saying taht she's tired of seing me dying, stressesd and blah blah blah. And she is starting to get pissed with me coz I've been an ass to her and everybody around me. Excuse me, but I try my best to keep myself far from anyone, and its not my fault if they come bugging me asking me things that i DONT need to answer. I hate rude people, and I hating being rude, so why dont they leave me fucking alone????
Then said shes worried and want me to get up and make something of my life and since Im alive I have reason enough to stop being stressed. And if I keep like this I wont be able to live alone in another city and blah blah blah. And she wont feel confortable to let me go being 'sick'. Then she said that she thinks i wanna move there to run away from something, and she cant understand why since I have a happy family, friends. I didnt say a word, and thank gods her friend came and she had to go walk.
I know she's kinda right, and she said taht coz she loves me and blah blah blah. But i dont wanna talk about it, not yet, I have to put things together in my mind coz it has been a fucking mess. And right now I see no reasons to act in another way. I wish they stop bugging me. They're not helpping at all. +.+

Tuesday, July 30, 2002
04:46 a.m.

blah

Slept the whole day, should have gone to see Sylvia, or called her for another appointment tomorrow but I was soo tired, I just said bye to dad and went back to bed. +.+ I havent sleep well, I have this wierd dreams all the time, I wake up all the time and doesnt matter how much I sleep I still wake up tired. Last nite I dreamed Fabio had a car crash and was dead, was so terrible, so real. Blah! ><'
I should have started my medicines today, but they're suppoused to be taken twice a day and my life has been a fucking mess, I'll wait till the end of this week and when my classes begin I'll start taaking it. Im sure it wont work but i'll try it anyway.
Lya didnt show up, this goddamned comp have t be fixed, but dad will be here only next week, and I can t do anything without him around, at least Bromo made it a lil more useful.
Im gonna read LotR now, need to finish this book by the end of the month, what wont happen, but...I'll try. -.-

Sunday, August 4, 2002
03:44 a.m.

...

*sigh* I feel so damn stupid for still be breathing. My life is basicly made of ups and downs, I guess everybody's else is. But this time I see no fucking reason to get up, none of my option is good enough to change my mind. I have a lot to say about it but I have no strentgh. will power??? for what??? nothing,... nothing I say, nothing I do absolutely nothing can make things work, Im giving up of my fucking life, what will come now doesnt matter, I honestly have no plans except sleep for the rest of my days, I know its impossible but...I wont do anything really different from that.
Woke up 2 pm, Via called, then I stayed on bed till 8 pm, lost in thoughts, when I finally went out of my room my aunt was here, she's getting on my nerves I cant look at her face without wiching her cancer. +.+
Mom said she dont regonise me anymore, she says I've beem grumpy, bitter and I wasnt like this. Fuck! I dont have a fucking reason to be happy, boucing and in love with everything, if cant help so leave alone, its better than you trying to cheer me up coz up always end up screwing everything and making me feel worse.

Sunday, July 28, 2002
12:38 a.m.

Psyaiai +.+

I've just arrived from Via's house, the last time I saw her was a month ago. I missed her, i miss the time I was in high school. Memories, memories, I sould stop living for this. We watched a movie that was completely non sence, then we went to buy ice cream, was cool I really neede some healthy afternoon.
Dad will spend the next 2 weeks in Sampa, and it doesnt make me happy at all, I like to have my parents around...is everything ok between us, thank gods!!! another thing to worry about would defenilly kill me. +.+
Dunno if Im going out today, no one came to invite me, and I wasnt at home the whole day, going to ask fyx if he knows about anything.
Im with a killing headache. +.+ And there's no medicines here, think Im goind to call dad to buy me some...he'll complain but.... what reminds me, mom is alll jelous about Sylvia, she said Im using her as support for everything and that Im forgetting that have friends to talk ( heh!), and she dont me to be depedent on her for everything I do with my life. I didnt say a thing to her, actually I was so weak to say anything I ignored and went back to my room to rot again. -.-

Thursday, July 25, 2002
09:41 p.m.

The Becoming

I beat my machine it's a part of me it's inside of me
I'm stuck in this dream it's changing me i am becoming
the me that you know had some second thoughts
he's covered with scabs and he is broken and sore
the me that you know doesn't come around much
that part of me isn't here anymore
all pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry
drowns out all I hear there's no escape from this
my new consciousness
that me that you know used to have feelings
but the blood has stopped pumping and he's left to decay
the me that you know is now made up of wires
and even when I'm right with you I'm so far away
i can try to get away but I've strapped myself in
i can try to scratch away the sound in my ears
i can see it killing away all my bad parts
i don't want to listen but it's all too clear
hiding backwards inside of me I feel so unafraid
hold a little tighter I might just slip away
it won't give up it wants me dead
goddamn this noise inside my head

Wednesday, July 24, 2002
05:00 a.m.

BLAH! ><

Im almost sure taht everybody here, int his house, knows about my blog now. Im not going to change a single thing here, I know some things I say here may ofend you, Im sorry, but I never mean to become this public.

Im really pissed off, we went to this place to enjoy ourselves and change our rotine, but nooooooo the boys cant leave the computer. The spent the whole fucking evening in front of this damn pc. Then hey got tired and went to sleep. C'mom!!!! now everybody is sleeping and im here in front of this fucking screem. thak Gods lya is on.
Stupid day, nothing interesting happend...the same boredom but now in a different place. Oh fuck.. I really wanted to travel and do somthing cool, be here rotting wasnt in my plains at all. To be honest I wanted to go to a place with pleople im not used to see often, I need to change my rotine. This whole thing is driving me crazy. This damn paranoia never goes away, i dunno how to react, I dunno how to deal with it. I dunno what the fuck Im saying anymore!
O great, lil pause to realise that I DONT FUCKING HAVE A DAMN PLACE TO SLEEP. Greeeeeat! that's what was missing!!!! JOOOOOY! every fucking bed has some fucking bastard over. Breath, daria BREAAAAATH! Im NOT going to sleep on that damn doble bed! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! >< GODDAMN THIS FUCKING HOUSE!

Monday, July 8, 2002
02:13 a.m.

Yey!

Yey! im here near to 'Rio Grande' and online, tahts what happens when you are close to adicteds . XDD
We arrived this morning, nothing really cool happend till now, but for me is enough to be out of from my room! The boys are going to pick up a boy in a town near here. I've seen him just once, one year ago. I dont remember him much, but anyway...
I quit yeaterday without say bye to Lya, then we went to sleep over lua's house. i wish she was here, I had planned everything, it would be really great, and finally she would have somewhere interesting to go, coz everytime she comes there's nothing interesting to do. But there's nothing we can do about it, hope she will com by the end of the month, i dont wanna spend a whole year whithout see hers face, we talk very often but isnt the same!
Ill try to sleep a bit while the boys arent around will probably have a busy night. XD

Sunday, July 7, 2002
02:35 p.m.

Here we go again..

My week days have so fucking boring. Nothing to do, no one to see. I've spent the whole day loked in my room. Im reading 'The Lord og The Rings' at least I have something to enjoy myself during my free time = the whole day when Im not online. -.-
We're going again to bromo''s ucle country house. That is such a beautiful place. We'll be there the next for days. But Im afraid that nobody that said will go, places like that is mmuch better when there're more people around.
Need to go to bed, I have no idea of wht the hell Im writting here, but I dont wanna sleep coz i know that when I wake ill have to go see my psychologist. Im such a lazy ass. -.-'

Wednesday, July 17, 2002
02:36 a.m.

Lalala...

Yey! Things defenilly are fine now, no more paranoia. There really were reasons to be paranoid but now this have coalmed down, but to normal even tho it wont be the same, but nothig to worry. XD
I've feeling really unconfortable while Im out. Like Im not in that place, its like Im inside a move just watching and I cant move. Its suffocating, so weird. but I still think staying at home is worse.
My realives were here this weekend. I do like them, specially when they dont sleep in my room. They were 7, a baby and 2 dogs. Made me remember when its New Years eve, was really cool few years ago, but its getting boring each year. Its not so important as it used to be for me, just an excuse to eat. -.-
Lya still dont know if and when she's coming, hope shes coming soon or she wont be able to stay much.
Should go to bed now, but Im reading, this is such a rare thing that its better stay a lil bit more up. XD

Tuesday, July 2, 2002
02:04 a.m.

Isnt a question of lust...

Things will be different this time, well they're never the same but it will have a big change. I realise that its not the person that I miss, Im not jealous beccause of this person, its coz the things he brings. The moments, the situation. Its a matter of convenience.
Im such a bad girl, its so easy to me to erease anyone who have desappointed me from my mind. I cant feel love, hate, anything. Being around this person dont bother me neither makes me happy, him/her becomes an inanimate thing. Im really afraid that it will happen with someone Im not sure deserves it. Sowwy, but I cant help, you've been a fucking asshole, you've been denying everything you did and believed in, and this, in my opnion, show you dont have a fucking personality. BAH! -.-

Friday, June 28, 2002
12:41 a.m.

...

I've feeling so lonly, empty, left behind. This situation is so weird, I dunno why Im so sad, I wish I'd be the one once.
There are 3 possibillitys:
1 Nothing is really hapenig just my imaginatin bugging me.
2 Im stupid enough to just realise what I've been loosing for so long now.
3 Problems have just started really now.
None reaaly makes me happy or gives me a solution, maybe is a matter of time. Im jealous, I need atention, I need a fucking vacation. -.-
I miss Lya so much, things were so different when she lived here. Everyone I know here seem to be so supperficial, not really friend just some people you like to be with but dont give I damn to you. They're treating me in the exacly same way the did, but Im feeling unconfortable like this wasnt ever real, like they've been just polite with me all teh time.
I really hope Lya is comeing next week, hope her mom will let her come. Oh Gods, I miss her around! -.-

Wednesday, June 26, 2002
01:28 a.m.

2 x 0

Almost 6 am, my classes beguin in 1 hour and I havent sleep yet. I was watching the soccer game on tv with my parents .This is the first one. Brasil x Ingland. I hate soccer as every other sport but I do like the world cup (one excuse to skip classes), I had forgotten how much we suffer watching that, agony AAAH!!! adrenaline. At least Brasil won.
God Fuck The Queen!!! Yey! *lol*

Friday, June 21, 2002
05:49 a.m.

AH ><

My aunt is here again. Sleeping over almost every day AGAIN! I had 6 months of peace while she was sleeping over in a old lady's house as some kind of companion. Before she get this job she just spent hte night here, but now she is a pensioner and she is teh whole fucking day around!
Its getting on my nerves, she refers to MY house as 'ours', c'mon fuck off she is just a fucking guest here!!! This is not her house actually he has an apt but she is scared to death to sleep alone so she comes HERE to fucking bug me~! Everything moms say to me she butt in and make some stupid coment. She always entiring in my roon without knock before just to say something stupid. I hate when she touches me, I hate when she talks to me, I fucking HATE having her around all the time! I'd not care if she'd sleep over once a week, but it is every fucking day!!!! Im tired of look at her face. PLEASE someone make she goes away! Im starting to be rude to her, I dont want to but beleive me things are chaotic here. -.-'

Friday, June 21, 2002
12:20 a.m.

Let's pretend...

After a long time I spent a calm day. Nothing bad, nothing good. I even allowed mayself to eat, and weird I felt happy shoving all that food down my throat. Not that I didnt count every single calorie, not that I thought that was the right thing but after a long time I felt ok eating, so why not? Tomorrow I'll be back on track, I hope.
Like this I seem to not be eating at all, I do eat at the days Im suppouse to, I mean at weekends. Its not a matter of loose wiegh anymore, not that I dont want, I do. But when I eat at the days Im not suppouse to is like death to me, like Im the worse and more disgsting person in the whole world, but today it felt good. Me and my problems with food. *sigh*
The doc said Im not feeding my body, thats why Ive been sick so often. Blah! Why does everybody act like I dont eat, is everyone fucking blind??? This is getting on my nerves! ><'

Wednesday, June 19, 2002
12:45 a.m.

Last night...

This post is about yesterday. I went to a party where 5 bands played. There's a long time since the last party like this, was a lil expensive but it worth.
The first band, a Slayer cover, sucked. They had problems with harmony and the vocal just, didnt knew what he was diong there. The second one played most of covers too, but they have they own song and suck either. The guitarrist was a friend of mine, he used to hang out with us but now we just say 'hi' when we see each other. They play heavy metal, and as every heavy metal player they are cocky nad brainless.
The third one was a trash metal of Jesus band. Yeah, can you imagine a guy wich looks just like one of those Jesus painting singing like a pig with a extremely noisy and violent music and everythiing in the name of Jesus? They were the best band of the night, they sounded perfct, nobody was expecting they to be so good. The bassist/vocal were the best member of the band ( everybosy was perfect) I was paing atention while he was playing his solo and I saw those white with long fingers and nails painted black hand. Oh gods Im obsessed by males hands, and taht was one of the most beaultiful pair of hands Ive ever seen ( I need to admit that they were better tahn Manson's hands), I had orgasms seeing taht. *.*
Then one of the most popular bands of this city played. They do trash metal too. They're good But the show wasnt as good as it would cos the vocal wasnt feeling well. So they stoped the show in the middle.
The last one played nu-metal. The guitarrist is one of the sweetes person I know and I need to say he have improve a lot his skills! They are playing better now, theyve change the style and name but are the same members. The vocal seemed to have epilethic attack while he sang layed down the floor. The bassist was wearing a mask and some wierd clhthes just like Slipknot, the media guy was with whthe contacts, skirt blue hair with his psychotic face. they on stage were really great, their performance grabbed the atention of everybody that still was there. Pity it wasnt erliar!!!
After them we went away, was almost 6 am, I was sure when I got home, mom would be awake and all worried but both were sleeping like angels. Except by some things someone told me about the night was nice, had fun, saw different people, but still it is worse then if it had sucked. Blah! XD

Sunday, June 16, 2002
11:22 p.m.

psyaiai

I've begged so much for a fucking disease so I could forget about my problems that tah-dah I got it.
I have a fever, I dont remember having a fever like this since I was a child, my head hurts like hell so does every fucking muscle in my body. Im like a living-dead, I cant walk straight. My voice just dont come out cos Im too weak. It's a fucking terrible sensation, but Im not complaing at all.
The only thing I cat think about is pain, none other thougt comes throu my mind. I really prefer physical than mental pain. Ypu took some pills and your physical pain goes away. But your metal doesnt leave you, not even when you sleep cause you still have the possibility of dreaming about it.
I love getting sick. But still havent get one strong enough to put me in hospital. I wont be happy util it happens. XD

Wednesday, June 12, 2002
12:16 a.m.

ta dah!

After a loooong time I was in a good mood today. Spent the whole day fine, pissed about some thinks that happened yesterday, having some fits of ager against certain people and against me but nothing big.
That bitch inside my head gave me a break today. I was all carefree, maybe that's why I was fine.
Didnt buy the book I wanted, but Ill probably buy it this week. Even tho I dunno if I prefer those cds, ah...so difficult, but I have 3 days to think ._O
Mom wants to buy me new clothes, but I dont want. Im scared to death with the possibility of not finding anything I want or if I do they dond fit. Weird, I never felt like this about buying clothes. o.O() Im so futile today. -.-'
I hope this weeks going to be calm, last was a fucking shitty week and I really want to forget about. Try not to think much Daria, you know how things work!!!

Monday, June 10, 2002
12:40 a.m.