current mood:

...

Its funny how things have changed. Now at school I feel fine. No worries everything is great. But when I get home everything start again.
Arrived home, helped mom and slept the whole afetrnoon. Wake up when Lethy called me. We went to see 'spiderman'. then we ate something and I've just arrived. No time for thinking today, I promised myself Im not going into thins again. Ill let things flow.
But still it doesnt make me stop crying nor having fits. Im tottally stressed. And I get really pissed off cause when Im out everything is fine, when Im back nothing change and everything is the same. It makes qant to never get out home again. Those ups and downs are driving me crazy.
I was thinking about some pills, dunno if I really need but Ive read about and it may be possible. Anyway it wont free me from my mind. I just needed to find a way to...ah fuck! Im thinking again. ><

Saturday, June 8, 2002
01:59 a.m.

AH! ><

I hate beautiful people. I hate them from the botton of my heart!!!! I mean the kind that you cant take you eyes of them. The one that even all fucked up is still perfect!!!!!!! They give me fits of anger.I envy them, I want them. They make me disturbed, they make me feel like Im the most disgusting person in the whole world. So I disere them, I want to grab them, beat them down, fuck them! I FUCKING HATE THEM GODDAMIT! ><

Wednesday, June 5, 2002
12:09 a.m.

YEY! XDDDD

Had a busy holyday/weekend. At first I thought it wos going to be fucking boring and again I'd stay home sleeping the whole day. Geez was reaaaly cool there!!!!
we arived on friday afternoon I was kinda sick, my throat was starting to get sore but I wwas fine.
The place was perfect, really confertable different from that farm. A normal, but typical farm house. *.*
We ate/drank a lot, played drunk games and laughed our asses off. Was really conld, and everyhitng I drank was cold too, then on saturday my throat was completly sored, I had a fever and was all dizzy. Took some pills called mom and slept while they swam. Woke up lot better, ate and we spend the rest of teh day doing nothing, just talking.
Both days Cava said he wanted t o watch the soccer games on tv, but he slept before . Me, bromo and fyx doing a fucking mess at the living roon and him and lua sleeping like angels. Then we went to bedroon to sleep and the mess was even worse. I only slept when the sun was up (on friday).
Saturday night Lua and I got drunk, Bromo was dead aleep and fyx and cava was watching Sergio Madruga. So like magic Bromo vanished. HE was nowhere, we thought he was trying to scary us, lua started paniking. I drunk, slept over an hour at the roons sofa. When I woke up bromo wasnt there yet. So I started to get mad and asked Cava to go check out if he hadnt sleep at the bedroon outside the hose. And there was bromo sleeping deepely. He said he went there to sleep for 10 mins so he would rest and n0ovbody would bug him. But he slept for real. LoL. If we hadnt woke him up he'd probably sleep there for the rest of the night.
He woke up and went to bed to sleep. then fyx was gone too, Cava was trying again to watch the soccer game but slept, lua felt asleep soon. And I was completely awake when I went to bed. Still walke throu the hose, drink tons of water and slept after a long time fighting with bromo on the bed and trying to not get sufocated with the blanket. At the middle of the niht we wake up with a extreeme loud noise. Fyx was snoring. I swear it was loud enough to woke up bromo wich sleep like a dead man. We tryed to wake him up , but nothing happend till bromo slamed one of those bed and he woke up scared and fell asleep again.
Today I woke up fine, we ate, the boys swam and tahn we cleaned the whole house, grab our thing and went back. Feels really good being in this places with them. We've spent several nice moments together. I sure will miss it when I move to Sampa. XDDDDDD

Sunday, June 2, 2002
09:32 p.m.

bye bye...

Im going to travel. We are leaving tomorow afternonn and just back on Sunday. So im kinda sick, alergia again, dunno if I should go but its better than staying home all bored.
We are going to a house near a river 60km away from here. I said mom that we're going to that farm a went 2 weeks ago wich is 10km far from here.
The things we need will b e bought in a small town next there. And there is a good houve with everything we need, we wont sleep in those unconfortables places.
It will be nice (I hope) maybe will get a lil boring but at least some fresh air will do me some good.

Friday, May 31, 2002
03:15 a.m.

...

Slept at the school toilet this morning. So much information in a short time drove me really mad. Went theere to calm down my nerver and fell asllep, woke up almost 1hr later. THey got worried, I didnt give a shit, then laughed a lot in psycho way.
Im not gonna mention the other things I did yesterday and this morning. Im fine but Im acting like those silly little girls searching for atention. And I cant control, its like Im talking abou another person.
Something pissed me off, not this psycho mood I am, but maybe some things it made me admit. Im so stupid and get all hurt so easilly.
I fucked up mu health in this past 3 days, this is the main reason of my psycho mood, geez and then I fucked everything uu. Shoot me. -.-

Im feeling really better now, it took me too long to admit some things to myself, yey, thats a begin.

Thursday, May 30, 2002
03:22 a.m.

pu o.O(___)

Yesterday I was ok, went to bed at 1am and soon fell asleep. But few hours later I my cramp begun and woke me up. Well almost. I was dremend that the 5 voices inside my head was blaming each other for my cramps. Them they went to my belly and I 'saw' 5 heads poping from it talking to me untill one of them said it was all his faulT ( oh I forgot to metion, the voices were 4 males and 1 female), so the bitch female started laughing at the voice who had admit saying that it was acting like a body guard and to stop pretending he is good boy cause he isnt madre teresa. And I was watching everything with that big 'pu' face. Then a big cramp woke me up defenilly. I probably screamed or something coz mom woke up too. She asked me what was happening and when I said I've got the cramps she started complain that every fucking monday I create a new excuse to skip classes and blah blah blah. Tried to sleep again, couldnt.. was like my insides were coming out. So I did skip school. The weird thing is my dad. He didnt complain about me skiping school, nor talked to me about it later. I've been skiping several days of school and he dont say a word about it, he still acts like it is normal. Let's see how long it will rest.
Slept the whole day. Fast. And Im still trying to understand what the hell was that 'voices', bizarre.
Anyway, me took tons of medicines and is sleppy again. Going to bed. yey -.-

Tuesday, May 28, 2002
12:15 a.m.

Damn -.-

I dreamed with hiim last night. Dunno if I should get back omn taljking to him. He really pissed me off and fail with me several times. ut I dont like this atmosphere this situation created. When he is around nobody feels connfortable cuz the know I'm not talking to him.
Besides Via told me he wants to be my friend again. ZBut damn I know nothjing will be the same and everything will happen again.
Im very polite with the one I dont like, but Im not being polite with him, I dont have any enimes. I and the only person I broke up an friendship beside him was Sara when I was 13. So it sound really childish and makes me feels stupid. I dunno if Im right anymore, I dunno why we fight anymore,,,,Im npot angry at him anymore. But Im to proud to take the first step. Again... if he talk to me Ill annwer. actually he did it...and I act like nothing happend then I ignored him again. Yey, Im sucjh bitch but he did it to me so any times too.
The fact is taht it is starting to bug me, I cant avoid him forever and is reqally unconfortable being in the same place with someone you dont talk. I honestly dunno what to do. -.-

Sunday, May 26, 2002
08:29 p.m.

+.+

Didnt poast here the whole weekend. Had not time even staying home all day, didnt went out but slept like 16hr for day, geez feels good!!!!
Watched all episodes, ovas and stuff of 'video girl' ....he's doing a brain wash in me. +.+ Isnt that bad but isn not my....style..whatever...
Havent watch 'Spider man', next week we'll have a 4 days holyday but problably we're going to travel again...so I wont watch it again. DAMN.
Yey...I was rigt...as always! I always know when something is wrong, and I always know when Ill be left behind. They dont mind it but it hurt. Anyway it dont bother me anymore. I have no choise. Ill keep quiet like I always do and lets see how far it goes...

Sunday, May 26, 2002
08:00 p.m.

Blah!

Skiped school today. Stayed there for the first 2 classes then went town to buy a coach. Its pretty cold here (yey! *.*), ah.. red sky right now, cold wind ah me loves it!!! *.*
Anyway that was one of the weirdesd expirience Ive been trhou. Seemed that was someone else walking on that streets. I walked.....walked.....didnt feel my legs, didnt feel anything, boutgh some extra things. Spent 4 hours there and it was like a half. I was so pissed off, soooo damn tired for not been sleeping much that my mind was elsewhere. Like I was sleeping while. Called mom from there...dunno why nor what we talked. Then I came back home. Slept for 6 hrs with no interruptions.
I thought we were going to hang out but everybody is tooo cold to leave their homes. Fuck, I love being out with this weather. Tomorrow I need to go anywhere, not good stayng home.
This whole day was like a dream, still dunno if it existed or not, even my bedroon is anoying me. I'll stay here for a while then Ill try to sleep again, hope I will only wake up tomorrow's afternoon. -.-

Saturday, May 25, 2002
12:30 a.m.

Im the fat lethargic cow...

Im not strong enough! This the only fucking Im doing and Im not doing it right! Whats my problem? Yeah, my colection isnt complete yet. Me nedds more frustrations, thats it.
I want to know when the fuck I'll be able to do smomething right!!!!! Im always fucking up everything, always! Why cant I control myself? Why do I have to fuck up everything that was so hard to me to get?
Yeah I can metion it here,and I will not be able to talk about it nor to admit it. But it doesnt mean that I have to screw up everything. Im ashamed. yes. But Im only guilty when I make things go wrong. I NEED to have things under control. I CANT loose what took me so long to get! -.-

Wednesday, May 22, 2002
12:50 a.m.

-.-

Slept....slept for 16hr. Geez I was soooooo tired. Skiped school. Dad wasnt happy but didnt complain.
My nouse hurts, I have this lil ulcers in it, dunno why maybe coz I was exposed to powder and Im alergic, but I've never had it before. Not in this situation.
Lil pause....renata just called me.....she was telling about her college. She's loving it. Yey, next year I''l be in colllege. I NEED!
Goin' to bed now, tomorrow Ill be all shitty!

Tuesday, May 21, 2002
01:56 a.m.

relaxing *.*

Im back. God....taht place is sooo damn beautiful. That was what I needed to rest and relax. Pity it was only one day.
It was a 20th sentury farm, with this old/big/gorgeous trees and a old house wich is in ruins. Soooo great, nice weather...everything almost perfect. *.*
UST was flowing through the air. Laughed a LOT. Eat like a pig. Puked like crazy.
Almost didnt sleep, couldnt with D. snorring and the boys 'bugging'me. LOL! Me between Bromo and Fyx. they with serius problem with their hormones...not a gond thing...not a good thiing. LOL!
We are planning to go agin in july, and spend more days there. Me loves farms, specially when it is cold! cant wait til July! *.*
Im probably 4 pound fatter now. Why do I have too eat so much when Im out? Ok I puked part of it, but still ate to much. There was TONs of food there.
'Apocaliptica(dunno if Im writting correctly) sound reaally good. Its not my favorite kind of music but I liked it a lot...maybe Ill look after for some songs later, its trippy. XD
Gonna kill mom, she've hide my fucking pills....me dont live without that......me feells fullllllllllllllllll. >< Gonna look for it again. -.-

Sunday, May 19, 2002
09:11 p.m.

Again..

Was a calm and happy day. Felt sooo good. Small things happend but, Im seruis, I dont need more than that.
Listening to some people's life story.. makes me feel really stupid. Im always thinking I have/had problems, but the fact is that I dont have idea of what a damn big problem is. What happens is: I feel guilty for being happy or having no worries. So I dont enjoy little wonderffull things taht happens around me. I've realised it, but doenst mean things will change. I always know what is wrong, but Im too lazy to change anything.
Gonna travel this weekend. Good chance to give a vacation from myseilf. -.-

Friday, May 17, 2002
12:05 a.m.

-.-

Dunno if Im happy, sad, stressed whatever. Just feel tired. Im tottally indifferent about everything around me. Im seeing very cleary but dont feel like doing anything. Im with this paranoia of people touching me. I dund fucking anyone touching me. Noy even to talk to me. I just wnat to think. I hate when this happens cause seems that everybody has something to tell me. But I dont want to aswer. The problem isnt listen, is saying. I want to keep my mouth shut and just watch.
I hate when people dont give me atention, so I dont wanna do thid with them, but I cant help. I just want to be quiet and alone in my place.

Wednesday, May 15, 2002
12:23 a.m.

...

Im tired. Havent slept well. I was really angry last night but dont want to post bout it now.
Things are weird. Actually I feel weird. It was a really shitty day. Nothing bad happend but I felt so awfull the whole day. Was so crappy yesterday and had an exageratted reaction bout something I sould ignore. Still like something is wrong. He didint ruin my day, it was already ruinned but I would for sure had slept better without that.
Better go back to indifference again. -.-

Monday, May 13, 2002
12:40 a.m.

...

*sigh* I was talking to her when someone called mom then they came here and we went to buy things fo r the 'party'. Dindt give her atention I should and Im feeling awful. Im worried. I want ther to know that Im here for wahtever she needs, but I know Im not showing it. I dont want to see her the way she was couple years ago and dont being able to do anything coz Im far. Makes me feel so impotent, desespareted. I dunno what to do waht to think. Shes my best friend ... someone I just cant live without. Is so terrible dont having her around, and even more knowing things arent all right. I dunno if she wants me to know anything or to help. I care.... I do care about you... I love you sooo much. Im sooo sorry for being such selfish bitch. Im sooooooooo sorrry!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so damn awful, fo being so distant....fuck..its been harder than ever.. Im sooo sorry!!!!!!!!

Sunday, May 12, 2002
02:11 p.m.

*sigh*

Im worried. I sure things arent all right and Ill problably wont know exacly coz Im not part of it anymore. I feel more and more distant each day. I dont want it. But thinngs will not be the way I want. Ill let things go and try to help the way I can.
She called me this afternoon...and again the same bullshit Im tired of. God, the only thing that exists for her is her hormones and the ones she want to fuck. This is really pissing me off, we spent more that 2 hours on the phone with she describing to me every detail of her day and she never let me say a thing. Fuck! I hate myself for being so stupid!
Misunderstandings... my life have been full of them. Need to repair...need to repair. IM soooooooooooooooooo sorry it wasnt about you, I swear!! -.-

Saturday, May 11, 2002
03:33 a.m.

...........................

Spent the day is psycho-bouncy mood. Cant really remember what happend around ... I just ..dunno. -.-
Some things are starting to get on my nerves. I hate when people just talk about one single thing. Fuck! Dont you think about anything else?
AAAAAHHH! >.<

Wednesday, May 8, 2002
12:13 a.m.

pu o.O()

Conection, coincidence whatever, amuses me anyway....I swear I didnt read that before writting my last post. O.o

A normal entry now.....skiped school today. Alergic conjunctvitis, photophobia...couldnt see straight, actualy it hurt like hell to open my eyes. So slept A lot, rest weeee...long time since slept so well. My eyes are better now but still itches.
*sigh* Dont wanna go to school tomorrow, laaaaaazzzzzzyyyyyy.... Im sleepy but I cant go to bed now, Im gonna call renata at 1am....Her classes begun today. Good luck, girl :** !
Lil pause....renata just called me.....yey she's having fun there. College...another city...weird, we used to see each other every day at school...now she's far. But nothing to worry now!
Better go to bed now, tiiiiiiiiiired! +.+

Monday, May 6, 2002
1:45 p.m.

Im soooooo stupid...

Last week I said I was back on track and stuff. Dunno anymore. i've still throwing ay frequently. Im serius since March there isnt a week without vomiting and stuff. Im worried. Is always the same cicle, I do prefer not eating than eat like a pig, get sick and throw up. No, I dont force it, but I get so damn sick that if I dont, I am not able to breath. I kinda cant control myself.. I was so worried with other problems that I didnt realised taht what is hapenning is wrong. Not good, not good. Im not saying that things will change, but Ill try, its not good for my ulceration. Maybe is better ignore this, dont want my paranoia to get bigger, maybe it'll pass soon, this is problably happening coz my situation. Now things have calmed down and it will go away.

Monday, May 6, 2002
08:54 p.m.

AAHHH!

Ok....we used to be a big group, maybe dunno exacly we were 20. Now only 7 of us are left. Even tho Im still friendo of most of the othwer. So this guy who used to be my best freind and after a long time bugging me I decided to stop talking to him stoped haging out with us. Now he said to a friend of my tah it was MY fault, he said that everybody is different with him cause I've been sayinng thing to keep them far from him. WTF???? Im SOOOOOO mad. If he is a silly little girl who cant deal with a simple situatin like this its not my fault. I didnt say a thing about him.....and they just knew we'd stop taking to each othe 3 months later. So dont fucking blame me! Im full of this.....you act like you were the victim in, but you're no and me neither. You just got on my nerves and I dont want to be a friend oy yours anymore. Its not anybody faults we spot talking. and its not my fault you havent hang out with us. FUCK OFF!

Monday, May 6, 2002
12:55 a.m.

...

Woke up 10 am but stayed on bed thinking about some things and the movie I saw yesterday.
I realised how alone I've been felling lately. I have friends, mom and dad but I dont feel confortable enough to talk to any of them. I know they have their own problems, but I have mine too and even like this I listen to them. But the dont seen to want to do the same. When a talk about me I dunno if its my fault or they just dont wann listen what Im trying to say. Always the same thing I never call anyone and when I do they have something else to do, or someone else to call. But when they call me I always listen, Im serius even if I have to leave I stay to listen them. Mom told me one theory she has: some people have this gift to listen to the other problem and so they dont have time to be listened. I dont agree to her. Im not Madre Teresa! I listen, no problem, I do like helping the ones I love, but I want to be listened too. I want them to pay atention on me, or at least to pretent they do. And if they are waintig me to say something is wrong they will wait forever. Some things people must realise thenselves coz if someone say it to them they may agree at the moment but soon they will forget and do the same thing coz they problably never belived that was true. I dont want anyone have pity on me. I just want my freindships to be reciprocal, not only one way.

Sunday, May 5, 2002
02:34 p.m.

Cold *.*

Need to stop drinking every friday night, feels awfull every fucking saturday. Hungover + guilt + nauseas + missing memories from the day before. Drunk I ALWAYS end up saying more than I should, and doing stupid things and then my heavy conscience bugs me for the rest of the week. I know that the things I do isnt sooo terrible but lil things become huge for me, Im the personification of guilt I should think about it before drinking.
Anyway yesterday I drank A LOT, threw up but there's nothing to worry about, no guilt right now even had saying things I souldont for the only person that I dint want to know -.-. I've having fun lately, we do the same non interesting thing but dunno why now is cooler.
[ Lil pause to say: "tear me down" is killing me *.*]
Is cold here, I mean not THAT cold but comparing with this summer... Rainned thins morning.. grey sky, wet cold spent the whole day like this. *.* I LOVE when weather is like this, was bouncy the all day. I wish it was like this forever. I'd feel much happier and settler..
Me wants to gang out and enjoy the weather when is still time (wintter almost dont exist here). '
Yey! I've just realised thet things I fear were true are worse thne I thougt. -.-

Saturday, May 4, 2002
09:59 p.m.

Test!

Take the What Johnny the Homicidal Maniac character are you? quiz!

Saturday, May 4, 2002
06:16 p.m.

Sooooo pathetic -.-

Went to my psychologist this afternoon, nothing new there. Spent 20 bugs in some nice stuff. A friend from school (shoot me) lend me X-japan cd. Yey! I know some people will wish me cancer for this but they sound just like an oriental Andre Mattos or Bruce Dickson. -.- But I enjoyed couple songs anyway.
I've beem paranoid about posting here, Im afraid people I dont want to are reading this. It wasnt a problems some time ago, but now Im feeling uncorfotable to the point of not writting some things I should here. I was thinking about a new address, but dunno. I'll wait a lil more...maybe this paranoia pass and I wont have to be stressed all over again trying to build a decent template. ._O
*sigh* felt SO stupid at school this morning. I've act like a silly little girl. Soon I'll put a big neon on my forehead saying 'Hey, I exist, PLEASE talk to me'. Pathetic. -.-

Thursday, May 2, 2002
11:59 p.m.

I'll kill you if I cant have you...

Some weird things happened this hollyday. They were not bad, actually I did had fun...but its still weird.
I've stoped loving everything...back to normal now. Not that its a bad thing. I do think its better this way. And not that Im hating everything now, they are just normal again.
Those feeling and fits of guilt/disgust are gone with the 'loving everything state'. I really did nothing wrong to feel ashemed or guilty for. Actually taht was FUCKING cool, maybe tahts the problem, I feel guilty when I do something and enjoy it, I cant help, maybe this is a way to punish me for being so stupid wasting my life.
*sight* still feel empty, that didnt help me at all, actually mom said me something yesterday that did made sence. Im really afraid that it will come true. If so I would be betraying myself, I dont wanna it to happen, I dont wanna suffer, Im fine like this. PLEASE tell me it wont come true, I dont wanna leave this new habbit but its gonna kill me soon, I know.. I fEEL it, actually I've never felt it before till now. Not that Im sure it will happen, but right now Im so susceptible that...AH FUCK OFF! I wont let it happen damn..., and if it do happen I'll suffer but I wont ever admit it for anyone nor myself. SO there's nothing to worry about. Im insane, I CANT do this to myself. Im Cant be weak. -.-

Wednesday, May 1, 2002
10:24 p.m.

Go me!!!

I slept a LOT this afternoon, feels goood sleeping this time, better than at night, woke up better and kinda shine-happy.
My old good habbits are back!!! Now I think I can control the situation...its so good to feeling strong, powerfull. At least I can change something. I love having things under MY control.
Yey! I guess I still have a bit of will-power. XDDDD

Monday, April 29, 2002
11:54 p.m.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee O.o

Sunday, April 28, 2002
11:38 p.m.

Ew..I mean..cool....ARGH!!!!!! ><

AAAAAAAAHHH! Disgusting.....this sensation in my hand, seems it will never pass. FUCK! ><
MAke it stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why do I have to remember it everytime????
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFCUKFUCK! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! ><

Sunday, April 28, 2002
09:44 p.m.

I am the truth from wich you run...

Dont feel like posting here everyday anymore. Maybe coz I spent a long time away and now I need to get used to things again. I dont have much to say. Actually I do have but I dont feel confortable enough, Im sure people I dont want to will read and thing will get weird for me.
I havent been sleeping much lately. I cant. Im tired, sleepy but I cant sleep. Slept 3 hrs this morning ....woke up and went out to have lunch with dad.
I feel like loving everything aroud here, this city, this house, even the weather. I feel fit, conected...I know I have roots here. I like things the way they are now or they were till last year, but I know things will change anyway, I know I cant stop the time. And if thing will change anyway, I want it to change the way I like, I want to change my future, I dont want to stand here and 10 years later realise nothing were the same and that I wasted my time. Its so easy to talk about it now, Im calm and its like everything will be fine. Its really good to talk to my father about this, he makes me feel secure. I think he is the person taht understands me most, maybe coz Im just like him. But its amazing anyway.

Sunday, April 28, 2002
03:54 p.m.

...

Everything is ok...Im not going to quick school, I wont have to. I was precipitaded saying that, I was kinda desesperated about the situationg but it is better than I thought. Im sorry, I know you have your own problems and I know you want to know about mine, but even I am tired about this. Im not good whne I talk about me, I only do it when I cant control it anymore and its really hard for me to carry it all alone,so I make it bigger than it rally is, I get desesperated and end up I pissing off people I love. Im good on listening and trying to help. Its hard for me to sahre my feeling and been slaped and ignore by people I love (even knowing they are rght) coz im really afraid of loosing them. Its not like you cant say anything for me , you can, you must. Just dont ignore me.
Once I was said Im insecure. I totally agree now.

Friday, April 26, 2002
09:20 p.m.

-.-

Im back, yey. -.- Arrived on Sunday but didint feel like posting here, actually I was scared of posting here. Dont feel like saying much about my tripp, well was better than I thought even had been thhrowing up almost every day,I was sick when I get there and it got even worse. Have I mention how much I hate having melanine in my skin? And have i mentioned how weird I become when I take sun? Yeah im grey/brown right now, weiiiiird. ._O
So if things were bad, it got even worse, my dad didnt sell the apartment, no money, I wont go to college this year and problably I wont ever if things keep like this. I wont even be able to take my car license. I will quit school, maybe this week or next. Im feeling awfull, its so hard to not see any future for myself. Things seemed to have a solutinon but now everything is fucked up again. Im serius I want to desappear, die whatever, I wanna vanish. Im tired of my problmes, I hate beach but at least there I wasnt thinking about my problems.
What makes me reaaly pissed is that I always were a fucking good student, and Im not able to go to college, and people who never even look at a book are there coz their perents have money enough, FUCK YOU! I its life, but is unfair anyway.
If this get a lil better I will move here to try to find a work to pay my college (what is almost impossible to happen) but anyway now Im sure nobody can understand the situation and I wont mention it for anyone again...maybe only here, I'll let things happen.

Tuesday, April 23, 2002
09:27 p.m.

No byebye, see ya soon. O.o()

So this is probably my last entry here this week. Wont be able to use the pc tomoroww and Im going to travel on tuesday.
Weiiiird...one week without talk to Lya. Ok I'll call her from there, but isnt the same, we use to talk everyday. Ok Daria its just one week, you will survive! ._O
I threw up minutes ago....and I cried, I dont know Why but I did....and I started panicing, and cried hysteriacly. But now Im fine. Why did I do that? Dunno. I think its cos crying make me feel better. And I do feel better now, and again I dunno if it is or not a good thing.
Tomorrow is my gramma's b-day, geez thank gods he did not gave any party, last year her guests really scared me. -.-
this reminds me how picky I am. Even noticing I do have hormones. The funny thing is, I cant have what I want, and Im never wanted.....and when I am , I dont want it. XDDDD Blah, need to stop complaining about it. O.o
I should be an actress. Im screwed mental phisically, and still am pretend nothing happens. Even I am believing nothing is happening. Its confortale like this....I just hope I wont realise it while Im not here, lets be fake the whole week, lets pretend Im fine, and everything is ok, lets pretend Im enjoying life and Im happy. Be a good girl Daria, you're already useless and wothless, dont be anoying!!!!!

Sunday, April 14, 2002
11:27 p.m.

This is how it feels like...

Im so damn trashed. Me feels pains everywhere, weakness, nauseas, this fucking headache that never goes away. And it all is probably cos problems/fits I had this week. I hate admiting things specially when it is conected with any kind of emotion/feeling.
I hate feelings, I guess I hate being a human being only cos the feelins. They make you weak, stupid, vunerable. You dont have them you dont have/avoid problems. I dont want them, I dont want my hormones, I want to be indifferent, unsensible (as everyone think I am),I want to be mechenical, automathic.. I want to be what I seem to. Better, I want to be anything but me. Im the fucking opposite of everything I wanted to be.
Im here like a lving-dead but Im liking it, be foccused on this sickness makes me forget abot me, just foccus on pain...only pain exist..nothing else. And, weird, THIS feels good. -.-

Sunday, April 14, 2002
02:24 a.m.

Free time = really stupid things -.-

--Name: Daria Elfamn XD
--Birthday: March 23th
--Birthplace: hospital?
--Current Location: hell (well its hot like XD)
--Current School: let's forget about it
--Current Job: Uh.. student?
--Nicknames: Daria, anguish_
--Eye Color: Green
--Hair Color: red/dark pink
--Righty or Lefty: Righty
--Zodiac Sign: Aries
--Innie or Outtie: Innie
--Religion: none
--Font: Verdana

--[ SERIES 2 - YOUR FAVOURITE ]--
--Music: industrial, eletronic and rock stuff
--Cartoon: Not sure
--Color: red *.*
--Slushy Flavor: strawberry, blue raspberry *Shrug*
--Magazine: None
--TV Show: None
--Song: lesse,right now Im listening to Mr. selfdestruct *.* and... ah lots of -.-
--Language: dunno -.-
--Spice Girl: all with ass-cancer
--Food & Beverage: me hates food, foodss are bad...COKE *.*
--Subject in School: dunno
--Weekend Activity: sleeping, 'hagging out', online stuff ^^
--Ice Cream Flavor: chocolate *.*
--Roller Coaster: Not too fond of those..

--[ SERIES 3 - WHO IS ]--
--The prettiest person you know: HAH!!!! XD
--The weirdest person you know: me XD
--The funniest Person you Know: dunno -.-
--The loudest Person you Know: Renata XD
--The Quietest Person you Know: humm...dunno -.-
--The Sweetest Person you Know: almost All of them XD
--The Sorriest Person you Know: Huh? -.-
--The Scariest Person you Know: Me XD
--The Sexiest Person you Know: most of them are shekshay XDD
--The sneakiest person you know: nevermind XD
--The Person you Hate the Most: YOU!!!
--The person you love the most in the whole entire world right now: Lya, she've drawn Slit, me loves her *.* !
--Most Boring Teacher: Dunno.

--[ SERIES 4 - WHAT IS ]-- --Your most overused phrase on aol: me hates aol -.-
--The first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning: wanna sleeeeeeeep. +.+
--The last image/thought you go to sleep with: *.* weeee
--The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: mouth/teeth.
--The Best Name for a Butler: James XD
--The wussiest sport: *Shrug* ._O
--The song that best describes you: DUNNO! ><
--Your best feature: HAH! Nothing. -.-
--Your bedtime: Weekdays, 4; Weekends, 15? --Your greatest fear: reaaly talls j-japas, the ones I love being hurt.
--Your greatest accomplishment: again, nevermind XDDDDDDD
--Your most missed memory: 14 years old...me miss the time when everyting was sooo new/cool -.-
--Inside jokes: Hernias are interesting.

--[ SERIES 5 - YOU PREFER? ]--
--Pepsi or coke: COKE!!!
--McDonald's or Burger King: none food is the devil!
--Single or group dates: both
--Adidas or nike: Hah.. none.
--Chicken nuggets or chicken fingers: Nuggets
--Dogs or cats: Both~
--Rugrats or doug: o.O()
--Single or taken: Single
--Monica or Brandy: *THE COCK IS MIIINE!!!!!!!!!* none O.o
--Tupac or Jay-Z: Busta!!!!!! XDDDD
--Shania Twain or LeAnn Rhymes: both dead!
--AeroSmith or Red Hot Chilli Peppers: RHCP (dave Navarrrro *.*)
--Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
--One pillow or two: One
--Chocolate or vanilla: Both. XD
--Hot chocolate or hot cocoa: chocolate
--Cappucino or coffee: both!! XDDD
--Drinks with or without ice cubes: With.
--Boxers or briefs: NOTHING. HAHAHAHA.
--Give or receive: *Greedy bitch* Both. XDD

--[ SERIES 6 - DO YOU ]--
--Take a shower everyday?: nooooo, me likes to feel the dirt takin care of my body (DUH! ><).
--Think you've been in love?: nope
--Want to go to college?: dunno anymore
--Like high school?: used to.
--Want to get married: maybe
--Type with your fingers on the right keys?: Not exactly.
--Believe in yourself?: not sure XD
--Have any tattoos/where?: yes..back
--Have any piercings/where?: yes...navel
--Get motion sickness?: On boats, I think ._O
--Think you're a health freak?: Ho ho, yeah.
--Get along with your parents?: sometimes
--Like thunderstorms?: Yes *.*

--[ SERIES 7 - THE FUTURE ]--
--Age you hope to be married?: 30
--Number and Names of Children: 2...Vicent and Daria
--Best height?: 6'2"
--Best weight?: Nothing fat.
--Best articles of clothing?: Buh?
--Best first date location?: anywhere?
--Best first kiss location?: Oo, anywhere O.o
--Describe your dream mate: androgynous, pale and ANOREXIC XDDD

--[ SERIES 9 - OTHER ]--
--When's the last time you slept with a stuffed animal?: Everyday.
--How many rings untill you answer the phone?: ._O
--What's on your mouse pad?: My mouse. -.-
--How many houses have you lived in?: One.
--How many schools have you gone to?: Two.
--What color is your bedroom carpet?: brown
--Would you shave your head for $5000 dollars?: hell yes.
--If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only take three things with you what would you take?: water, Slit, handcuffs. XDDDDD

Saturday, April 13, 2002
05:33 p.m.

slim...slimer...SLIMEST!!!!!!!!!!! *.*

Just come back to say. Me REALLY loves anorexic boy. Its sick, beautiful its ANOREXIC! AH boneyyyyy anorexia!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME loves bones me wants the ones who only has BONES !!!! People whos looks like you'll break them if you hug do turns me on (hands up!)!!! *.* Geez its perfect!!! *.* AHHH UST!!!! Im cofessing I have hormones!!! Im admiting it...me needs to sleep!!! Me wants BONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAHH *.*

Saturday, April 13, 2002
02:06 a.m.

WEEEE ^^

Had problems with my conection, wasnt able to post here, but anyway I had nothing interesting to say.
I've just arrived from Vívian's house. HAPPY B_DAY Via!!! me loves you! ^^
Was a reaaly nice party, I've talked a lot there. Its amazing how I can be expansive/sociable when I feel confortable in certan places. The problem isnt the people themselves its the place!
Going to wake up really early tomorow, need to buy some things for my trip, its not like Im excited about it but its a good excuse to buy new clothes. ^___^
So my mood is better, Im keeping my mind busy so I dont think about problmens cos Ill have lots of time to think bullshits on the beach. XD Me has a sore throat, me has a persintent headache, and every muscle in my body hurts. Gonna spent 5 days there and Im alergic of almost everything that comes from the sea and stuff, probably Im gonna throw up, colapse during the whole week and thinking depelly its not a bad thing at all, cos if I get trashed enough Im going to skip 2 weeks of classes instead 1. WEEEEEEEE! XDDD
Im starting to believe that I have problems with UST, me has found out that still has 'hormones'. XDDDD

Saturday, April 13, 2002
01:11 a.m.

AH! Good memories *.*

Which Marilyn Manson are you? Take the Which Marilyn Manson are you quiz to find out! Quiz by Chameleon669!

Tuesday, April 9, 2002
00:05 a.m.

Me wants white claws too!

I'm Richard!
Take the Which Rammstein Member are You? quiz here.
created by Ro.

Tuesday, April 9, 2002
11:38 p.m.

This simbol looks like a pretzel XD

Tuesday, April 9, 2002
11:10 p.m.

I'll only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well...

*sigh* As always I skiped almost all classes this morning, stayed outside trying to draw, reading and stuff. I'm becoming a myth there, everybody knows who I am or have listened about the girl who's never inside the class room. ^___^
The situation is a lil better there,me still feels misplaced but now I meting more people and stuff, maybe one day I'll start to like that place. -.-
Bought a new head-phone today (yey, super-duper-mega-tera is back!). Im goig to travel next week, need somethings to enjoy myself there, me realy dont like beach, sand, sun and stuff, BUT me needs to be a good girl so Dad will be happy and will stop bugging me about my studies.
Still need to fix something around er..me. I've stoped a lil the daydream stuff, Im serius I cant control it and Im really confused about what is real or not...I dont know anymore. Im kinda paronoid now cos I just dont know if what Im saying is real or just came from my imagination.
I stayed dead-asllep yesterday. I was really tired. didnt sleep well this weekend, was really busy. Had 5 damn fits yesterday (yes i've counted it), was really bad, again I hurt myself and again I dont know why it happened. In one minute Im fine,the other I become wrath itself and break everything thats in front of me, and always end up hurting me in porpouse or not. Thats bad, and is scaring me. Well thank goodnes it just happen when Im home as i said before I dont wanna hurt anyone. -.-

Tuesday, April 9, 2002
03:27 p.m.

Derek *.*

Went to Sepultura's cooncert las evening. Man, I absolutely love Derek. *.* Ok...me likes the whole band asnd stuff but he is adorable! I think it wwas better than Korn's concert, ok it's a different situation but anyway even knowing better Korn me still preffer Sepultura. *.*
Gods, me saw that boy, he was just like the one I saw couple years ago while I was in Renata's father car. That pale, green eyed, anorexic and pretty as hell. Geez he was just like Brian Molko, man...Im in love. *.* And godamned stupid fat boy that was between us and spent most of the time using my back as holder. FUCK YOU! >.< (and my back still hurts -.-). Bromo was trying to protect me and Lua and that fucking fat boy got mad (OH!) and they almost had a fight!*shaking fists* YOU FAT COCK-SUCKER I WISH YOU CANCER IN THE ASS! >.<
I had to come beck hoe with some trix's friends, Fabios car's key broke inside the the door and there werent any key maker...so the had to stay there. I couldnt cos my relatives were here and my dad didint want me to arrive late, so I took a hide with them...weiiird!
All my relatives are gone now, everything is normal again. Me feels better, still...BLAH, fuck it!

Sunday, April 7, 2002
01:32 p.m.

Baba Baby...

*sigh* Skiped school today...feels good staying at home, even waking up at 6am to help mom with the house work. Weird...when Im with the oones I like to be and talk with I dont feel like Im stressed...I kind forget about all that stuff, or better it doesnt matter anymore. Weirrrrd. When I get home, everything is the same. Maybe my real problem I dont give a fuck to this situation and this fact make me fel uselless, yeah I know...complicated isnt it?

Note: Buy Kelly key record to listen to 'Baba Baby'every time Im damn stressed. Works better than prozac. XD

Saturday, April 6, 2002
03:22 a.m.

I stay awaaaay!!!!! -.-

Empty normal day...My dad's bday, my uncle was here...my stomach hurts. As I said befre nothing changed.
And to make my happyness bigger (oh..yeah -.-), people are coming to my house, yeah they'll stay in my bedroon, I wont be able to do anything aroud here.
Yeah Im in a damn bad mood (pretending Im not). I hope I'll stay the farest I can from home cos I'll avoid troubles. I dont want to discaunt what Im 'feeling' in anybody who has nothing with this.
I really need to find a way to feel usefull, being empty and uselless isnt what I dreamed (yeah..I know) for my life. And yeah need to take care having fits, I'll end up hurting myself really bad. -.-

Friday, April 5, 2002
12:03 a.m.

...

Selfish....Im always saying Im selfish but actually im stupid. I so damn stupid that Im nullifing myself. Im not gain anything from anywhere. I have no skill, and Im not trying to develop it. I've put something in my mind and have forgot about everything else. Im not aadding anything good to my life/mind/future Im just standing here wainting for a damn miracle. WFT is wrong with me? Why the hell do I have to be so lazy, Why cant I find any motivation? Im just skipping reality but it doesnt work. I cant just stay in my 'warm place' all the time and just get out there to have a fit. I.....GODS! I dont fucking know what to do....I just wam not going to have 'future' if I keep like this. but at the same time I know myself...Im know 'this brief of sanity will pass and I wont do anytinhg to change myself. Im not hoding the situation Im ignoring it, Im pretending nothing is hapening, that's wrong...it's NOY ok.. Im afraid Im going to fall so bad I wont be able to get up again. -.-

Thursday, April 4, 2002
12:50 a.m.

AAAH! >.<

So Im pissed. My dog has a throut ulceration It's damn weird disease and she's taking lots of medicines...AHHH poor doggy. -.-
'It' were complaing about me...ok I didnt care fuck it and blah balh balh...but now it's telling everybody about it. The person evolved in it knows but anyway WTF?? It want to be screwed by him and he dont damn want to fuck it so it is placing all its frustrations at me. FUCK IT!!!FUCK YOU!! AHHHHH! >.<
Ok..breath Daria you're not going to make your stomach ulceration bigger. But my father dont damn help FUCK YOU TOO!!! Im going to stay here I wont move a muscle!! >.<
No I will not study, I will not sleepy I will rot right here and FUCK YOU ALL Im so damn tired and full of your bullshit....let me here in my lil world cos it's better than stay fucking around you... YOU dont give a shit for me....so stop pretending you care and stop damn bugging me. >.<
Of course Im not talking about everybody....but it seems that mot people I know is working to make my life a real living hell. >.<
Gods me need to cry hysteriacly again...feels good after that. SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE ME CRY!!!!!!! >.<

Wednesday, April 3, 2002
10:25 p.m.

Bad day...

My mom got mad with me this morning cause I forgotte to wash the dishes for her yesterday. I was sick with a damn headache and couldnt take any medicine cause my stomach was hurting too bad. I was pissed off cause I had to go to school even not feeling well. So she got even madder and started saying that Im spending mony in vain there and she's going to pull me off there. My dad said I wouldnt quit there for anything. Yeah...great I was starting to get happy with the idea, I really hate that place but I know if I quit things would get even worse around here. They'd start bugguing me every damn second...so lets keep on going there, I simply ignore Im there anyway. And yeah it may bring me something good. *evil grin*
Well today I found out there's some nice people, I mean reaaally nice. *.* When Im awake there I try to make some new 'friendships' cause I know it would be good for me.
Oh Go I wish I could say 'FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE' Im really tired of your bullshit. >.<

Tuesday, April 2, 2002
08:29 p.m.