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| ~~Saturday, July 12, 2003~~ |
| ~~mou jibun ni wa yume no nai e shika egakenai to iu nara~~ |
| ~/o In myself, I see no dreams, like unpainted pictures... ~/o
 See what Care Bear you are.
Haha, makes sense, specially lately. seems all I want to do is sleep.
Okay, so lets report Eva's moods and depressing thoughts for this week, shall we. If you're not sick of my complaining by now then I'm actually REALLY shocked, I don't think anyone but a therepist should really be listening to my ramblings anymore. Speeking of which, no, I haven't gone for help yet, but then that wouldn't do me any good either. Blah, sorry, but I'll tell the world I'm suffering somewhere and I chose here.
Monday wasn't too bad. Alex had a rough weekend so I ended up going over to his place that night to comfort him. I think he was glad to have someone there. I'm glad I could be there for him, it makes me feel a little better. Once again I didn't get to hang out with Kibble but that's ok, Next week. On Thursday I was really sick and so I called out of work. I think Jim is kinda pissed at me now, but it's not like I was faking, I was really really sick (I have been on and off for a month now) and I ended up sleeping until 2:00. Not that it matters, I've been really late recently and so I'm sure it doesn't look good. I donno, it's hard to get going when you're unhappy. *sigh* But I still have to keep moving, don't I... Today (friday) I went to work and saw more eps of Love Letter then came home and ate, ended up getting really sick *BLARGH!* and then went to go see LXG with Rocky. Yeah I know, I'm probably making some dumb moves but.... (here it comes...)
Like I've said, I can't stand to not have him in my life. I donno, I don't think he'll want to hang out with me too much as I think I'm kinda a downer, heh sorry. It's hard really cause I don't know who I am or where I'm supposed to fit in now. I was happy being the lover, now I'm... I won't be an Amanda or Caroline and I can't be Lindsay or Sara, but I donno. We talked about a few things. I didn't think we'd really be alone tonight, I though Tom or someone would be there, but everyone else bailed so, it was just us. Even though it makes me sad, I still like having that time with him, maybe it's still the best part of my day. We talked about trying. It's not that I don't try, it's more that I've been trying so hard, though maybe not in the things I should be, and not growing at all. In these past 8 months I've seen him grow so much and I haven't changed a bit. He said he didn't mean to be running away from me. Well no one means to, but they do anyway. Besides, he's not just running from me, he's running from himself, and something that hurt him in the past. Rocky, I don't know exactly what happened (but I've been building sevral theories) but we all have demons to face, we all have bad things that have happened that we wish hadn't, but you can't run from them forever. They've already proven to be something that is only going to continue hurting you. You're not ready to let go... I know it's hard and it hurts. That's why until you can let go of it, I can't let go of you, even if it eats me alive, or kills me. I suppose that's like saying, the only way I'll be saved is if I can save you, But if I can't then you'll just become one of those demons of my past and I'll just keep suffering. So I suppose for now I'll keep trying to turn my pain into my strength for you and I'll keep hoping quietly that tomarrow can be my last... |
| ~~Angel Mercury wants it all to end @ 1:36 a.m.~~ |
| ~~Sunday, July 6, 2003~~ |
| ~~Don't know who I'm supposed to be...~~ |
| ~/o Don't really know if I should give a damn ~/o
Honestly, I'll change the layout soon!! I know, it's been a year.. but I really love this layout.. Belldandy is one of my all time favorite characters. It's what she stands for. She's the characterization of kindness, mercy, gentlness, faith, hope, beauty, forgiveness, and unconditional love. The things I'd love to be...
I've been listening to Madonna's new CD. It's really awesome. The first time I heard it I hit one of the songs in the middle and I burst into tears.. Then again I was pretty tired and unhappy at the momment... Heh, I'd like to think the song was just that good though (I think it was).
Okay, so I'm gong to talk about Rocky again, but I hope I won't need to so much in the future. But then again, I'm in a form of mourning so you'll just have to put up with it cause it's not like you don't have a choice. ^.^;; heh
Well, on Tuesday we talked, I said we'd be friends, yay. Then we saw the fireworks on Thursday with Tom. I started the day in a not so good mood, relaxed a little later, and then left them depressed again. Wooo, This bites. I told him he should call me if he wanted to hang out after he got back from the 4th and he sorta gave that "oh well I'm probably just gonna draw and do stuff". What the hell? I'm not your girlfriend anymore, remember? You don't have to give me those shitty exscuses. I never want to hear them again, they're just things cowards use when they're trying to run away, I've heard them before, Never Again. sigh, what a moron. And I'm still doing everything for him, anything to make him happy... who's the bigger fool? *sigh* He said wanted to be friends, still wanted to hang out, but now he doesn't? Whatever. I can't bother with this anymore, I've lost enough of myself in him.
What it comes down to is.. I don't know who I am anymore. I beleived in so much, in so many things, I really beleived in him, and us and he left me. Ran away, like anyone I really need. When I need someone, they're not there, everyone lets me down eventually. Well.. ok, then I guess I can live with that now. I'll be there for you, and don't worry, You don't need to be there for me. Haha, I told Rocky I'd never let him down and his response was he didn't think he'd be able to do the same for me. That's okay, I'll never expect anything from you, or anyone. I'll save the world, I'll save everyone like I said I would, and my reward is knowing that I've made others happy, that I tried for everyone.... I'll stop ranting stupidly again...
See, I'll be ok. Now if my chest would just stop hurting.... |
| ~~Angel Mercury doesn't wanna do anything @~~ |
| ~~Monday, June 30, 2003~~ |
| ~~kimi wa Kodoku wo oshiete kureru~~ |
| ~/o Teach me loneliness and then come back to me ~/o
You are the blue line. You're a tough nut to crack.
Truth is, you're just plain weird. You hop
around town on a whim; you can't make up your
mind about anything. What you need is to settle
down for a minute or two. Take a deep breath
and you'll be fine.
Which Chicago 'El' line are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Ok, I must say that is the Best Quiz Ever! Thought I'd start out at least a little cheeerful today....
Well, last tuesday Rocky officially ended it.... by telling me on AIM, the asshole! I was fucking pissed and very hurt. He called me and I sat on the phone crying at him and saying everything I had felt for the last two weeks while he said nothing to me. So much for the "I don't want to lose you" shit. He didn't even try. I told him I couldn't be his friend, but I suppose I may have lied. Honestly I don't want to live without him in my life, and I think, even if he can't love me, I'll suffer more if I can't still be there for him. He may not have strong feelings for me, but I'll always have my love for him. I suppose part of my is wishing that he'll come around and want me again, but I think it'd just kill me to be dropped again so instead I'll offer my friendship after all (I have a few conditions though) and hope he still gives a damn. If he doesn't well then I'll know for certain he has some serious problems going on and he's just hurting himself by pushing everyone away from him. *sigh* And no matter what it'll hurt me. I can't stand being without him, and I can't stand being by his side because I'm still without him, but maybe I'll still have a small bit of that happyness I had then if I can just be near him... *sigh* I don't know... I don't know if it matters anymore...
I don't know if anything matters anymore, I've gone completely numb. When you've been so overwhelmed for so long by all the pain eventually your heart just can't take it in anymore and everything just becomes blank. I feel empty and my heart's been primed white once again, but I don't know if it's dry yet so be careful when walking by or the paint might wipe off on your sleeve and then where would we be.... heh, I might start writing more poetry or maybe try to write some music... if only I new someone who could compose it, I'd do lyrics. (I've been recently inspired by utada... I love her...) I have an account on Ilovepoetry.com. I only have one up so far but maybe I'll put more up. Just do a serch for me on there (Eva or AngelMercury).
Do I really have to keep going? *sigh* ok... ok... |
| ~~Angel Mercury kicks someone @ 2:07 a.m.~~ |
| ~~Thursday, June 19, 2003~~ |
| ~~Aitai no ni aenai omoi...~~ |
| ~/o I want to see you, yet I feel like I won't... ~/o
This is from the song Star Dust by Changin' My life, lyrics are here: Anime Lyrics Changin' My Life. I actually really want the lyrics for the song Confidence, but haven't been able to find them. I like the way that song sounds (kinda sad). Hopefully next time I'm at Asahiya I'll remember to look for it.
Mou, this sucks so much. I've cried everyday since Rocky and I started our break. Somedays it's just a little momentary weep, but other days it's very painful and lasts hours. I've been up and down constantly and it's really wearing me out. The days when I actually see him are the worst though. Tuesday was our 8th month and it hurt so much to see him, and I gave him a hug, but he turned around and sorta hugged me back. I didn't want him to, that just hurts more. I just wanted a moment where I could be close to him. The more I attend my Mythology class the more I think he should be the one in it. We're writing our personal myths and the idea is to write about the serch for what you want. Of course, I'm the one in it when I know what I want. Happiness, something I thought I'd finnaly found. When I was with Rocky I finally stopped wishing for it. I really thought we were happy and in love, but now I wonder if he ever really ment it. Not that he lied, but you know. No one can ever really understand love, and why we do it, but when you're really there, you feel it.
What makes this so hard is that I'm trying to keep faith and beleive in our love, but he won't give me even a hint at what's going on in his mind. It's like he's aftraid to give me hope, only to let me down or something. I want to be there to help him through this, but there's nothing I can do. He pushed me away, and won't let me in. I just hope someone will be able to help him through it. All of this hurts so much, I miss him so much. The pain is turning me bitter. If in the end he rejects me I may end up hating him. I won't ever truely hate him, but I think I'll be so bitter... I don't know. It depends on my mood what I think will happen, when, where. *sigh* On the 30th I'll ask him if he's figured anything out. Hopefully he'll know something. I'm getting vey tired. I don't want to be without him, I'd rather die than not know his love anymore, but then I've always been a dreamer. |
| ~~Angel Mercury tries to stop bitterness @ 12:14~~ |
| ~~Wednesday, June 11, 2003~~ |
| ~~There's nothing you can do to stop me feelin' the way that I do~~ |
| Wow, so many entries at once! Well, I guess that's what happens when you don't have anyone to really talk to directly, and when there's so much drama in your life.
Today I feel much better about everything. I'm taking a class called Mythology and Liturature and the teacher bases the whole taking apart of the myth on Charles Jung's pholosiphy of the self and the soul. As we learned about this idea of the psyce and how it realated to life and myth story telling alike I realized how right it was, it felt like this really was the right idea. For those who need more info there's a book called 'The Hero with 1000 faces'. Actually I kinda wish Rocky was taking this class as it'd probably help him to understand himself better too. Anyhow, something about all of this made me realize that things might really turn out ok. I have renewed faith. I'm not running around scared any more and I can smile knowing that somehow, Rocky will figure out what he wants. I have Faith In God and in the Love I can give with all my heart. And I have all of my faith in Rocky that he will find out what he needs and wants, and I have faith in myself that I can be exactly that. I felt it before, the perfection of the world when I was with him, and I have faith that I'll feel it again. It's posible that I'm setting myself up for a major downfall. If he truely desides he doesn't want to be with me, then I will be heart broken again, and it will be painful and difficult. I also have no doubt that I will still have moments of morning when I don't know if my faith is enough. But I will deal with that if it comes.
I think now that though my ability to love is so much stonger, so is my ability to return to being able to love. I didn't think about it before, but the reson I can love him so dearly is because of all that I have exsperienced, and so I think it is likely that I can recover for the same reasons. I think I can turn back to my shadow and tell it, 'you may want to hurt me, but I still love and need you, and without you I would not be who I am today'. My chest is still tight but I think now I can eat some without feeling ill. So I know now that as long as I have this Faith I can wait as long as it takes. As long as I beleive in my love, Our Love, I know that we will be together happily, somehow. |
| ~~Angel Mercury thinks she can hold out @ 5:52 p~~ |
| ~~Tuesday, June 10, 2003~~ |
| ~~And if it's real well I don't want to know~~ |
| Today I'm feeling a little better, and somewhat hopeful. Last night I talked to Brian, my roomie about the situation and he said that while it's possible that Rocky may want to be 'just friends', it's also posible that he just needs time to remeber what being alone was like, and have time to do some of his own things. He gave me this light switch analogie whish was a little confussing untill he reexplained it. See, he had gone through this with Christen when they were at about 9 months (we're at almost 8 so maybe this really is a similar thing). Basicly he said that for boys who aren't ll that popular and don't get to do a lot of dating when they're young (I think this could really just be for most boys) they're used to being indepentant and not having to check in with someone. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was calling and going, where are you, but I did want to talk to him everyday, and did call and it was much like that with brian then too. After a little while he just sorta went 'Whoa!' and needed to step back so the two of them went on a 3 week break and then he said he was ready to be back with her. So, after hearing this it's my hope that we're in a similar situation and that everything will be ok. I told Rocky that he was right and that maybe we did need some time apart and that he should call me (or tell me) when he's ready. With this new hope I'm holding up a lot better. I know there's no garentee and I do have moments of panic and tears but they pass a little easier and don't last nearly as long. I won't call or see Rocky untill he's ready to tell me if he wants to be with me (this doesn't include work), honestly it's all I can do, and I can't hang out with him like he wanted, for multiple reasons. I can't stand there and look at the one thing I want most knowing it's not mine to touch anymore, and I won't give him the comfort of what it would be like to have me as a friend because I honestly don't think I could do it. If he told me he didn't want me as a girlfriend anymore I would be crushed. Everytime I'd see him I would remember what I couldn't have any longer, and all the things that I loved doing with him, and had done. Everytime he'd hug me I'd remember how safe I felt and how warm it was to be loved by the one person I loved most. His softness. and the momment he want to start seeing someone again all my love for him would turn into and terrible hate and bitterness for him and that person. I'd become a very angry and hateful person, and that is not what I want, I never want to hate him. I know that with how much I love him now, this would eat me apart from inside. And I'm scared that he'll want this, really scared. I'm afriad to lose the one person in the world I love most, with everything I have even my shadowed side, he is everything to me, and to lose him could kill me. But I don't want him to have me out of sympathy so I can't let him see this. I think it'll be better if we just stay apart until he's got at least some idea of what to do.
of course this all started going into practice today. I think he was hurt this morning when I didn't say much to him at all. I think I almost went out of my way to make aparent, I bearly egknowlaged him, and he did look a little hurt. I'll admit I feel bad for hurting him, but my little shadow was a little happy about it. Pain where ever it can make it. I'll keep hoping and praying (yeah I know it seems a bit foolish) that things work out for the best, and in a few weeks if he hasn't aproched me I'll ask him if he's ready. if not, ok, I'll keep trying to hold out, but I don't know just how long I can. If I have to all summer I'll try my best, but even now I know that it can't go on too long. My chest hurts with that painful tightness and I start to feel sick when I begin eating. |
| ~~Angel Mercury tries to hold out @ 6:17 p.m.~~ |
| ~~Monday, June 9, 2003~~ |
| ~~I'm away, and you're ok, and I'm away, and you're okay~~ |
| I know I haven't blbogged in a while, and I guess it's not a very happy blog either. Anytime I do blog I end up venting my sad feelings and today is no exception. I guess I just need somewhere were I can say everything, all at once and uninteruppted. Where no one will ask me painful questions and no one can see me cry.
I guess it kinda started two weeks ago when I got reall upset with Rocky for not calling me, and being completely unreachable. I told him I would be mad but I guess he didn't think I was serious. On top of that I was having a really rough weekend. I guess I should explain. It was finals and I had a lot to do, so I was stressed, and then I really need to hear from him, just a little support a note that said he loved me, anything to know he was thinking of me, but nothing. As the night went on it got progressively worse. As some of you may know I have a little problem with momments of depression. These moments are very painful and scary. I feel like the world is coming down on me, I can hear that little part of me trying to come out again, telling me how I've failed, I'm alone, no one will ever love me the way I love them, I'll never be able to do anything and I'll die forggotten by the world, alone forever. The pain in my chest becomes unbearable, I feel as though my heart wants to rip it's self from my chest and implode, and it becomes like a panic attack. I can't breath, I start to breath really fast and I can't stop crying. That was the night I had, and on top of it I was unable to do anything, get anything done, I couldn't get out of my bed. I couldn't explain in this detail to him why it was so important that I reach him (I would have been unable to without falling into another fit), but he was the only person I wanted to count on (for various reasons I couldn't reach out to anyone else) and I couldn't reach him. But he said he had needed time to get away and didn't think it wold be that important.
we made up and I forgave him, but I couldn't help but be hurt by the fact that he said he needed time away. see it wasn't time away from everything, it was time away from me. he sai he had spoken to lindsay, tom went home with him, he'd invited nate, and sara went back to her home with him. But he didn't even think about me? ;.;
Over the week I kept having the feeling that he wanted more time away from me as well, or didn't want me around him. then on wednesday We had, what I thought was a really good time, I thought maybe he was getting over whatever his problem was (I was trying to give him more space), but then I was blown off on thursday when I asked him to call and let me know what was going on with him and brenden. I wanted to goto dinner with them or something and I thought I had made it very clear, but when brendan got there he never called me, and he didn't take his phone with him when they went to IHOP. Then on sunday when I got back form a pretty crappy trip to Harvard, IL where I really missed him, I went over to make nachos and hang out. After we finished nachos he went and played games. I was ok with it, I hung out and read a comic book and watched TV, but as it got later he was just sorta doing his thing and not really caring I was there. then I started to tickle him and I undid his shirt so I could reach his stomach better and then he pulled away, and I knew it wasn't just me. after that I figured I leave, and I did, and he didn't say anything to me.
WE ended up talking on aim for a long time (long pauses between sentances where I was trying to stop crying) and he finaly desided that he need some time to figure out what he wanted. When I went to the schedual meeting for the cage today I could bearly hold back when I saw him, and when he asked for a hug I had to run from the room, if I hadn't I'd have just fallen into a fit right there. after lunch we walked and finally talked. He said that recently, when I get playful he gets skiddish. I was a best friend, and he didn't want to lose me, but he didn't know if he wanted to be with me. But He knew he didn't want to be with anyone else right now. I asked him what I can do, what was okay. I got friends boxed, I told him that I couldn't stay and watch him want anyone else (I don't think I'd live through it, and if I did I'd just be bitter and probably hate them both the way I do the other ones who hurt me so much) and that's when he said he didn't want anyone else. In the end he told me that I cold hug him, that he still wanted to see me. He didn't even want to kiss me. I'll wait as long as I can, I'd go to hell and back for him, I would, but I don't think I'd live through it this time, but if I lose him, I know part of me will die too. It sounds really as though he's lost interesst in an intamint relathionship with me. I don't know if I can take that, I don't think I could stand seeing him knowing he can never be mine the way I need him to be. I love him so much, my whole heart fell for him and I couldn't do a thing about it and now I'm going to suffer because I was too clingy, or I wanted too much of him or something I must've done wrong. I don't know what to do to fix it, I can't stop crying, and I'm so tired, I'll hold on for as long as I can, but I just don't know if I have the strength anymore. I'm so afraid he won't want me anymore, I'm so scared and there's nothing I can do, but sit here alone, because even if I thought it was okay to call him and beg him to come to my rescue I'd probably just make everything worse. I've done something wrong, somewhere along the line I ended up ensuring that I will never be able to be happy with the person that I truely love. He's my world, he's everything I have. there's no one else I can depend on like him, no one close enough to help me and I'm going to dround in my tears, alone, suffering in my hell on tile floors again.
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| ~~Angel Mercury tries to stop her heart @ 9:00pm~~ |
| ~~Friday, April 11, 2003~~ |
| ~~Yonde iru koe, Saa Me o Samashite...~~ |
| ~A Voice Calls, Come Open Your Eyes...~
Wow, ok, so it's been a long time since I updated and I still haven't had time to put up the new layout. I'm having trouble making the picture just right... ;.; Anywho, I was in cali last week, it was ok. My stuff got stolen from our car, and I felt a little lost in cali. It's nice but, I don't know if I'll be happy there. I think it could be nice to live in for a little while, but I think I ultimately want to live in chicago and raise my family here. I've been looking into local studios more. I don't wanna end up doing cereal commercials or slot machines my wohle life, I really wanna work on series or features, but it's hard to find that here. Luckly there are a few places starting up here. Who knows maybe in a few years they'll be going strong. Here's to hoping. However there is a slight problem... in considering my future I consider the people I want to spend it with. Rocky seems to have fallen in love with Cartoon Network in burbank... See where I'm going with this? Though we do have at least 3 years before we need to think about any of this, I'm trying to see what direction I'm heading in, if I'm pointed the right way, you know? *sigh* I'm hoping eveything works out for the best... I know some of the things I want, maybe a lot of them, I just hope I can have them without anyone being hurt or anything like that. Argh... Sometimes I wonder if I really have the heart for Animation. I love art but I lost my passion for it and I haven't really been able to get it back since. Sometimes I get a little glimps of it but it eludes me the rest of the time. What to do.... ;.; Someone please help me find my passion. *sigh* I'm tired and just sorta blahblahblahing. I'll make a better entry later @.@ |
| ~~Angel Mercury todders her head a lil' @ 3:09 a~~ |
| ~~Thursday, February 20, 2003~~ |
| ~~Date Itsumo Anata wa Waratte Iru Dake...~~ |
| Wooo, it's been so long since I blogged.As you can see, I've archived again, it was getting kinda long and I'm working on a new layout as well, I have Plans! Harhar!!! I just thought I'd put somethng here for the momment, real blogging will return with the new layout.
One thing I will chat about for a momment though it that the new semester has started and I'm now all moved in and settled, with the exception of covering my walls with my posters, in my new apartment. I'm rooming with a bud from school named Brian who works in the animation cage with Rocky, Hiromi, Jason and I and now Aaron works in the cage as well. I'm currently in a computer graphics class that teaches Photoshop and Flash so I will so be abusing the scanners, and probably Rocky's cheap @$$ digi camera to put up piccy's. I hope to beable to use the class as an excuse to really get working on my web site, as I hope to use it in the future to help solicit myself for future animation jobs. We shall see. I should be reciving my DVD of films from production I as well and hopefully I can capture those and put them up as well. So much planned!!! I love Drawing for Animation I, Joe Meredith rules, and my Drawing I class looks like it'll be tough, but as long as I can keep from falling behind I should be ok. ^.^ |
| ~~Angel Mercury draws artsy stuff @ 12:25 a.m.~~ |
|
| Previous Hearts |
Feb 19th, 2003 ~ Sept 22th, 2002
Sept 22th, 2002 ~ May 29th, 2002
May 29th, 2002 ~ Mar 12th, 2002
Feb 21th, 2002 ~ Feb 12th, 2002
Feb 11th, 2002 ~ Nov 28th, 2001
Nov 28th, 2001 ~ Aug. 28th, 2001
July 28th, 2001 ~ July 6th, 2001
July 2th, 2001 ~ June 15th, 2001
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