Tuesday, December 2, 2003 02:32 a.m.

eating my soul (and other adventures)

Soulseek is back up, and the Japanese Room has initiated a neat little system of new album and single rips that I as a leecher am taking advantage of.

Also, my keyboard appears to be working now. I believe this to be the direct influence of John using it while he was here.

It was a good visit with John, yes. Kill Bill Vol. 1, The Last Samurai sneak preview, and complimentary oranges.

...The Last Samurai made me cry at the end ¬_¬;;; Hrm. I'll see it again with Mom soon.

Right. Right. Moving later this month. Maybe on Christmas. More later. Bleh.

Sunday, November 23, 2003 03:40 a.m.

tunnels.

Dreamt of tunnels last time... going down them, and landing, and doing something magical and fantastic before going through more tunnels.

Everytime I look back on a particular memory, bitterness wells up inside and I scorn the past that much more. Even last year, a good year, is tinged with regret. This year won't be any different, but I have more reasons to be angry at myself. There are very few memories that are not made sad by my reflection of them; they grow further distant with time, but they are still precious.

And why be bitter about memories, about things I can no longer change? I tell myself stop, stop stop stopstopstopstop. Why am I bitter? Why am I sad? Why am I letting these bad feelings creep into the catalogued parts of me that show up in recollection? I take photographs of yesterday down from my walls and put them in a book and store it away from my consciousness and forget... Forget until I remember, then everything rushes into the foreground and I remember... being stupid, being careless, being callous, unforgiving, unrelenting, stubborn, angry, jealous, hateful, vengeful, manipulative, a whole slew and range of emotions that wash up and over me and I am consumed again and again and again... Then I step back and tell myself, "It's over. It's done. They're all gone now." And while they're never really gone, I'm calm in that moment. That moment is when I stop crying and lamenting over the hurt I've done to myself and others, and I'm still.

And I'm still here, and they're still there, though parted. I'm slowly disconnecting, breaking everything down, and I will build it up to destroy it again. Again and again.

Circular motion through what looks like time, beginning in nothing, ending in nothing, perfect with inperfection.

Or better yet, vague brain mumbo-jumbo.

Sunday, November 16, 2003 03:38 p.m.

leech.

Linking pictures from Angelfire won't work, and Osysi certainly doesn't work, and I don't want to impose on Dan and Sara anymore. So, no more pictures.

I got my SAT score back... 520. Which was lower than what I hoped it would be. It also says that my percentile is 17, so... I still feel incredibly inadequate. I'd probably feel the same way if I got an 800.

There are never any good stairs in my dreams.

Been slightly reading John Searle and Antonio Damasio books to get myself in an AI state of mind (haha, that's hilarious...!). I've been thinking of a GW fic I might write that has some AI features to it, but it has a good chance of not getting off the ground. Or out of my head, really.

Tennis today. Andre Agassi versus Roger Federer.

Monday, November 3, 2003 10:50 p.m.

some kind of technicality

I had updated in mid-October, but Pitas ate what update(s) I had, so oh well. This is what you get now.

I just finished transliterating some songs that will hopefully see the light of the Internet day once Osysi is up. Haha. Osysi up. That's a funny and strange concept nowadays. I should pester Wray. Again.

The Japanese SAT was okay. I think I did half and half on the listening (the part I thought I would do best on, but whatever); I did better on the grammar section; and I think I did really well on the reading comprehension part. So... I don't know what sort of score I would guess for myself. In truth I don't want to make one, lest my actual score be lower >.< The only other person taking a language with listening SAT was some Asian guy who was taking the ELPT. There were to be others, I think, but they didn't show. So meh.

After the test Mom and I drove around Fayetteville, first going to Cross Creek Mall (I now have sensible shoes! Whoa!), then to some of the houses she grew up in, and a few she, Dad, and Karen lived in. Mom told me how Karen fell down some stairs and it scared the crap out of her, but she said Karen was just a little banged up. I figure Karen's like me in that regard, because I get banged up all the time from stupid shit that should probably cause more pain. Or maybe I'm like Karen. Though when Mom started crying, so did Karen, so... I don't know. *shrug*

We stopped at a Cracker Barrel on the way home and ate tasty food, and we bought some things as well, then finally went back home. I called John up because I said I would and related my day thusfar, then slept. A lot. Too much in fact, because I got nine hours, woke up at 1 AM, stayed up until about 4, then slept another five hours ~_~; Needless to say, I had a headache, and I was really hungry. After that the weekend passed as usual.

Now that I don't have to worry about the SAT, what's there to do? So I'm going to read more. I've still got Pirsig's Lila to get through, and now I have the Tao Te Ching and a book on the history of Japan from the Sengoku era to the present. Fairly weighty stuff, but I think my brain can handle. Won't know 'til I try anyway =D