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About I'm Angela. I like DNAngel. (I like Krad best because he's a goddamn badass, but Dark and Daisuke will do *grins*) Go visit my website if you're so inclined (as if there aren't a million other links to it here already). Other Blogs Links Where Dreams Collide
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Wednesday, June 4, 2003 02:15 a.m. Last episode, our intrepid hero informed the populace that her boyfriend wants to move back to his native land of Arizona, and indeed, he will be moving back. Since then, she's been pondering heavily on this issue, and she's made her decision. It was really hard to think at first, because I was really angry after John told me he was going back for certain. Very furious. I barely talked to John at first, and vented to Dan, then made sniping remarks to John. Not good at all. Some tears were issued, as usual (I'm such a crybaby, I think), then I called him up at 1:45 AM and apologized. We talked some; mostly it was me making up stories about how I was pushed out of a helicopter by a Nazi, and how I went to the safari and ate a hippo. After we talked, I still couldn't sleep, so I read a bit of The Magic of Recluse, then put that away and laid in bed some more, not getting sleepy just yet. I hate it when that happens. But it came to me: I wanted to go with John. That was the solution. Then I fell asleep at some point. I announced this, more or less, to Dan later, and he said my rationalization of things was another stage in dealing with something really stressful (or something similar to that), and that too would pass, just like my initial anger had. And I suppose he's right (RARG HULK SMASH silly Dan being right again, what's new?). Going to Arizona will mean I start afresh. I won't be able to get into school right away, being an out-of-state student (I've got no money as it is), and I'd have to get a job. Also, I don't know anyone there except for John, and I'm not familiar with the area. It's hot hot hot hot hot. There's a lot of desert. There's way too much sky. Not a lot of trees. Not a lot of natural water. Instead of hurricanes, they have monsoons (which are apparently cool, but I think hurricanes are cool to an extent, so......). They don't have Kanki, and I'm unsure of the status of DDR 4th Mix. Doubtful that they have any Harry & David's over there either. And they certainly don't have any of The Grocery Bag's Almost Famous Hotdogs. But they have Happy Bowl, and real anime stores. Staying here means I'm with friends. I know the territory, and I've got all my Angela-approved cool spots picked out. I'll still have to get a job at some point, but I'll probably be at home, unless I take Andy up on his offer and move in with him and a million other people. Or move in with someone else, I don't know. I'll still have good ol' in-state tuition at good ol' Wake Tech. And at State, if I ever get my ass in gear academically. Ah yes, academics. That's one of the big huge many-star-marks-beside-it issues here. Right now, I am not in school. Why? Because this past spring, it became supremely evident that I am burning out. I need a break. A nice break from school so I can get straight within me all the things I need to get straight. Like what direction I want to take my life. What I want my future to be like. I state again and again, when the topic is brought up, that I want to go to NCSU and get into CHASS and major in English, blah blah blah. Does it disturb anyone to know how much fiction I write these days? (The answer is very close to zero.) Isn't that... what I keep claiming I want to do? That makes no sense. Were I any less stable, I believe, I would kill myself for that transgression alone. But I must ask myself these things. Is writing what I really want to do? If it still is, why do I not write? If not, what do I want to do? Something in me needs to change, that I have no doubt. For the sake of that change, I wanted to move out and into John's apartment, and get a job. Do something productive, at least, until I felt ready to go back to school. Since John's going back to Arizona, it's easy to transfer these few parts over there. I'll still be living with John, and I'll still get a job. I'll earn money and get back into school after a while. Makes sense, doesn't it? And now, the so-called rational part is over, for the most part. I want to be with John. I have made a commitment to him, and I will not break that. What's that? Dan and Sara are going to be on different sides of the country, yet still remain committed to each other? That's all well and good for them, but John and Angela are not Dan and Sara, as it is known. Every relationship is different and has its own little unique intricacies, and I'm going to honor the promises I've made to both of us. And I suppose I could stay here. Why, though? Because it's familiar? It's safe? My future is perhaps just as uncertain here in North Carolina as it is in Arizona. Anything could happen in either place. I could be miserable, or I could be happy. My frame of mind determines this. As my frame of mind stands right now on Arizona... bleh. There's a lot of bleh things there, but it's up to me to make the best of it. It's perfectly fine to become used to a place; you don't have to fall in love with it right away. And hey, I might even like it there after a while, you know? I've been in North Carolina all my life. I know NC. And I've also been in the same house all my life. I NEED A GODDAMN CHANGE OF PACE. Really. This house, this neighborhood... they get under my skin. I can't walk around my neighborhood alone without eventually feeling like utter crap. I need to leave the past in the past, and move on. Plus I'm tired of being in the middle of nowhere. It's really comfortable, yes, I'm used to it, yes, but Jesus Christ am I bored. Bored and miserable that I've kept myself chained to things I no longer need or want. And most of all, I want to be with John. It might be foolish, but... that's the one part that really matters to me. Future, logic, stability be damned. You can't live on love alone, I suppose, but I'm one of those people that would sure try for the heck of it, just for fun. I feel like going forward with my life. I'd already decided it, and now this decision is made too. "The ticket to your future is always blank." That might have been said by a fictional character, but it rings true no less. Monday, June 2, 2003 01:58 p.m. can't say much beyond the facts I don't know if I'm going to move out and into John's apartment now. He wants to go back to Arizona. He wants to go back to ASU in the fall and study pre-vet there. Everything will work out well for him there. Friday, May 30, 2003 01:02 a.m. Yeah, reading through my Trigun and Trigun Maximum manga, reading translations, going through random info on the series. Obsessive, but I love it. Gives me something to do. What's more is I try to translate some chapters that have yet to be translated, or put up for all the see, but that's not going so well... But eh. The attempt is still good for me. I mentioned group blog before, and how it's not going to happen. (I know, some cheese for my whine, perhaps?) Want to DO something. Friendly stuff. It's just too late for some things, huh? I hate that life can be so stupid, but we've only ourselves to blame, and I blame myself for these certain things. Instead of feeling like I'm forcing myself and my time on someone else, I should advocate get-togethers, but me, as crap for brains, that ain't happenin'. Whine whine whine. And I would like some cheese, damnit, but my teeth still hurt. I can always mush it up. Cheese is still cheese. Obligations to other things. Life? Fuck it. I hate this pigeonholed feeling; within me I'll rabidly seek out the most sought-after of prizes, the togetherness gathered in the most sacred of times (I can remember one of the first entries here; this echoes of it), but without, I do nothing but complain. Within and without, complain. Am I justified in it though? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask of someone's time as a friend. No one's that brave, though. Everyone has an obligation. Mental frickin' cuts to the arm, and murder to Gackt. Nails to the body at four points. I too can get away with sounding a little sociopathic at times. And no, I don't mean I mentally murder Gackt, it's just that when I do mentally murder, the soundtrack heavily features Gackt. In other news, I told my mom I plan to move out in June. She pointed out that I didn't have a job, but I told her that it's much better that I search with John, who has time to spare and is also looking for a job, than with her, who has a job and not much time to spare. It makes a lot more sense in my mind. Either way, I'm moving out. And I long ago decided that I'm not returning to school until I have the money to pay for it on my own. It's much more fair to my parents. If I screw up in the future, it'd be a waste of only my money and time, and I'd rather it be that. Not saying I want to screw up, but you know. And I have things I want to save up for as well. Next year's Animazement (holy fucking crap is all I have to say to that). A bass guitar (maybe). College in general (so I don't fall on my ass or anything for not having enough money at some point). Rent and food and crap for the apartment (naturally, and top priority). Maybe everything's a little far-fetched right now, but I have a list of jobs I want to check out. I mean, at least I'm doing that, and I have a direction now, yeah? I still have to heal from surgery, but that's not too big a deal. Things... are looking up in this general area. Okay, good night. |