Aquarium v9 ~ Life's Path

Wednesday, May 12, 2004---09:13 - 09:36 p.m.

Feeling: More positive than before at least

[Topic] Little Posting, Little Life

Wow, this is actually only the eleventh entry I've posted since my birthday-- February 18th. o_O' That's roughly four posts per month, though most of it is more concentrated at areas and more neglected at others.

[Topic] Depression Reflection

I think it has something to do with all the depression. I don't really like coming here when I'm really depressed because I might say something I'll regret. And of course I've been depressed a lot lately.

Just today I was looking through my journal, and as I noted to Crystal, one year ago (March 24th, 2003) I wrote my first entry of depression. One year later, I could, if I wanted to, just cut and paste from that entry and apply it to my own life right now! Every question I've asked myself this semester is a repeat of the previous year!

I can't believe I've changed so little. Here I was, hoping that I'd come to some mysterious point of growth in my life, only to find that it was really more of a plateau than a point.

And now what?

Well, AP chem is over (the test at least), and though I've still much to do, everything should be more or less set by the end of next week. That I've decided.

I notice that I seem to think too much into the future these days. I think I'll just process time in smaller increments for now. Maybe it'll improve my outlook on life.

[Topic] Newness

I don't know if I'll post again soon. I want a new layout. Yes, I know I've just pointed out that I've only written eleven entries with this one, but I think I need the change anyway. This layout, despite being among my great masterpieces, is far too depressing for me.

I suppose I don't like what it represents. I hope that by the time I have a new layout I will be able to have a new outlook, because I'm tired of being depressed-- just like everyone else is, I'm sure.

A lot of reflection has informed me that I'm obviously not getting anywhere in life if I'm not even changing year by year. No wonder why I don't feel seventeen; I'm still thinking like that sixteen year old from last year. I'm just sick of it all. Sick of it all almost to the extent of being physically sick-- but not quite there.

First of all, what I need is my new outlook. Then I need a new study plan. Definitely a new study plan. I think most of my problems can be alleviated with the help of a more time-managed-nagging-demon-fiend.

Yup, Ann and I are going to start studying for APs waaay earlier next year, righto? It's going to be better. Why? Because I intend for it to be. And I won't let any downward trend beat me down with its flaming poopy-on-a-corn-cobb.

Wait. Eww. Umm. Eww.

[Farewell...] in a more positive light.

Argh, I only hope I'll be able to keep this through the next few days. Luck me! Makes no sense, but oh well.

Thursday, April 22, 2004---11:12 - 11:31 p.m.

Feeling: Ranty

Listening to: Shounen Alice Unplugged

[Topic] Copa

I'm trying out for the yearbook, did I ever mention that? No? Well, that's probably because I haven't updated this for so long that my newest plans have yet to be unveiled.

Yes, like this Copa thing.

Currently I'm struggling with producing writing samples for the application. I'm supposed to submit two writing samples-- each at least 500 words. I've already decided that one of these samples will be the name essay from last year, but there's still one more to go.

I've come to a horrid realization. Originally I had intended to turn in a blog entry, but being the freak I am I first consulted Crystal (a current Copa member). As some might say, "OMFG!" Everything I've written recently has been depressing! When I'm not depressed, I'm *ranting*!

Ranting! Like I am now! Gah! How has this come to be??? What ever happened to the young innocent girl that was happy just to be happy, and not only happy when she's complaining about something???

O_O'

Really, I consider my ranting self a major portion of my personality. It's not that I'm ashamed of my ranti-ness... It's just that it's really more like a Tiger thing (the school newspaper).

People on Copa are supposed to tell about memorable events. People on Tiger seem to do a lot of ranting. Gah! Blah! and... AAARRRGHHHH.

Doth my frustration leak through? It's meant to! What am I going to write?? Arrrrgh!

[Topic] Life

Now with that catharsis done with... Life has been hectic as usual. There's so much work. What am I doing blogging again??

Oh right, I wanted to get into the "right" mood for writing that second sample. Yes.

So much reading to do! Projects due... BIG projects. Ack, I have to go to a homeless shelter. When can I find the time? AP Chemistry is coming up! Noooo, my life is deteriorating as I type.

I have already deemed May 10th - May 14th to be the hell week of all my hells. First, May 11th Tuesday is *the* AP chem test. All or nothing babe. Argh I can't believe I just typed that out. Obvious brain deterioration. Then Thursday is the chemistry final. On Friday May 14th I have to turn in a Spanish essay and *the* English term project. I am currently 650 pages behind by the way.

Arrrrgh! I'm not supposed to work myself into a fit like this before writing a Copa thing. Arrrrgh.

[Farewell...] is necessary to stop my ranting

Wednesday, March 31, 2004---03:20 - 03:32 a.m.

Feeling: Awake o_O'

[Topic] Sleeping in six hour increments

It was the weirdest thing. I just kind of woke up and thought it was 6am or something... but it was only 3am! o_O' I seriously have this issue for sleeping six hour increments 'cause I went to sleep at 9pm (well, fell asleep at 9pm anyway u_u').

So this is kind of cool and kind of weird... I'm definitely not going to waste my awake-time being online though-- this is just half-an-hour of the online time I didn't have yesterday. I have so much stuff to do. u_u'

[Topic] Spring sickness

I think I have a cold-- or just some sort of sneezing sickness because I really can't stop sneezing. I gave myself a bloody nose doing that too... which is just kind of creepy.

Come now, wasn't I sick enough for the year? Why this again? The runny nose and sneezing. Blah. If I was into that Asian belief that a person sneezes when other people are talking about him/her then I'd probably at whore-level or something. *Achoo*

[Topic] Crystal leaves

Nooo! Take me with you to Japan! and China! I want to go too! No, wait, how do I fill out the Copa form?? Two writing samples?? What position should I apply for?? Nooo, don't be a plane! Don't be sleeping in some cool hotel in Japan! I need heeeeeeelllpppp!

[Farewell...] 'cause it's almost thirty-after

So much crap to do... must buy prom ticket!

Wow, I actually updated!

Monday, March 29, 2004---06:28 - 06:57 p.m.

Feeling: Tired

Quote: Every day she would wake up and tell herself, "This is a new day. Perhaps I will find happiness today." And every night she would reply to herself, "I guess I didn't. Maybe, just maybe, I'll find it tomorrow." ...

The days wore on. An Shue opened her eyes one day, and realized that it has been so very long since the time when she didn't tell herself "This is a new day. Perhaps I will find happiness today."-Amy, again, in her long ago story The World Outside

Really long quote, but I was thinking of it the other day-- or was that just today? I kind of feel like that these days, except I go by weeks.

"Oh this is going to be an really awful week with such and such test and such and such homework and essay due-- but next week will be better. As long as I make to Friday. As long as I get there, the next week will be better."

But the weeks are months and then entire school years that don't seem to get much better. Sophomore year then junior year, it's really the same hardship. Except these days I always feel so tired. So ragged and torn. Did I feel this badly then?

Really it's not the logic that's wrong, it's me. Wow, sounds like a Full Metal Alchemist quote. XD But really, if I applied myself more and made my weekends *worth* something then maybe I wouldn't feel this way.

[Topic] Posting

I said to myself, "Oh, I'm just going to go online and post in my journal-- then I'll go and do my homework."

So of course that didn't happen. That was over an hour ago and I was distracted by deviantART... but it can't just go on like that. I've already summed it up in the quote discussion. *Sigh*

[Topic] Oh so tired

I walked home today in the hot-hot sun and thought I would pass out before I reached my house. It was extremely depressing. Then I got home and felt so vitamin C deprived that I ate a kiwi and two oranges. _'

Fullerton was Friday and Saturday. When I came back Saturday night, I thought I was going to die of exhaustion. I didn't have enough energy to walk to the kitchen and I didn't even have enough energy to chew food when my mom offered to bring me the food. I just lay there with my blanket on the couch...

... until Ann called me...

[Topic] Life goes on

... and she told me that they corrected the English test in class, that the test was now worth twice as much because of the essay. Crap.

... that, did I want to know that there was homework in history class? Uck. Of course not, but what is it already? Essay. Crap. It's supposed to be a really good essay too, 'cause we've done so much by now. Arrgh.

More good new-- On Gold Mountain worth half of our test grade. I was on pg 22 of 378. Test on Thursday. Really just crap crap crap.

[Topic] In summary

Life is crap. I need spring break.

[Topic] Fullerton

Actually, while I'm on the subject-- well, I wasn't really but whatever-- Fullerton was okay. We did not do as well as we had in previous years and my group did not make finals. That was sadness, but I want to do it again anyway. Jyah.

[Farewell...] Must go do real stuff now.

Well, I've gone and posted in my blog. Cheers.

Thursday, March 25, 2004---09:45 - 10:22 p.m.

Feeling: Melancholy

[Topic] Notes of my return

One day it's the beginning of March and soon enough I'm cruising down to the end of it. Well, being dragged there anyway. But that's just how months go by, right? One day follows other until it's a week and then two and then...

Hmm, since it *has* been a while there must be something for me to say. *Sigh* I can't really think right now-- I should be doing English homework since I *have* to sleep tonight. It'd be dangerous not to since Fullerton is tomorrow.

[Topic] Fullerton

That's really been the big thing in my life for the past two months-- as if that wasn't apparently through my past entries. It's finally come though. Fullerton is tomorrow, and I can't help but sigh to think of it coming to an end.

Oh of course it was a pain to go to all those rehearsals, especially since over half of them were from six-thirty to eight and I had to go home and come back, but I'll miss it. I'll miss the people, if not the acting; though of course I'll miss that too.

I met knew people, made new friends-for-now. I can't say friends-forever really, because I just kind of know that we won't stay friends. All my teammates from the years before were (mostly) close together, but after Fullerton or the spring play was over everyone just kind of left. Even when we pass each other in the halls now there's no reaction anymore. It makes me sad really, but this is reality.

In fact, one of my friends who had been in drama for a while made quite a lot of good friends too-- closer than I'd ever been with my temporary drama groups-- but after she quit drama her year long friendships just kind of dissipated. It's sad. Really.

It's not just these small one-time group friends that leave either. Sometimes you might be best friends with someone and then just not be. Time changes and you both change and suddenly you and your once-friend are strangers. Not enmity, no long story to tell. Just faded away�

But I guess I'll just go on for now. It's not over yet. The real days of Fullerton are still in tomorrow and tomorrow's tomorrow and I should just enjoy it while I can.

[Topic] Depression

Geez, haven't I already commented on the melancholy tone that my life's story is being told these days? I don't know; it's just the trend these days. I always thought that last year was the worst-- that whatever happened I'd be okay because I wouldn't have to go through another sophomore year... but now... I seem more depressed than ever.

I remember once in my private journal I actually noted that the difference between my own blog and everyone else's was that mine was cheery. I had wondered for a while why my life seemed so shallow in comparison, but then I thought to myself that it was the depression that made the difference.

Maybe it's a terribly wrong generalization, but happiness simply appears shallow.

It's like buying a new *thing* and being oh-so-excited because of it. It's like getting an A on a test that you won't even remember in a few weeks. Shallow. Yet... without it all life is just kind of depressing.

I want to be happy again.

That's what I'll say, but sometime some fool in me just has to say something like: "but oh, you don't want to go back to being disgustingly happy and cheerful and *boring* and *pointless*" Though I can't say that this isn't all pointless too.

[Topic] Think happy thoughts

Hmm. There must be something happy there in my life.

*Silence* and *Russian Tumble-Weed*

Okay, back to this later.

[Farewell...] is this thing right here.

Actually, I've spent enough time doing this already. Maybe with this proper depressing inspiration I'll be able to write my vocabulary story and sleep before eleven-thirty! Maybe...

Wish me luck for tomorrow. And thank you to everyone-- I don't know why or for what, but thank you. Really.

Tuesday, March 9, 2004---08:17 - 08:31 p.m.

Feeling: Energized

[Topic] Rehearsal

Ahh! It was a great rehearsal today! The best! And so of course I must record it here for future remembrance (and in case I need to convince the me of next year that it's �vale la pena� to join Fullerton) in all its goodness! Plus it's a good excuse to post, or a good motivation to do so at least!

Exclamation mark happy!

Seriously though, I felt like crap at the beginning of rehearsal. I'd just woken up from my hour-long nap and I was still tired. I had a headache and my energy level was at -5.9999 out of the usual ten. Just shaking my head was a hassle and jumping around� uh, no. Rehearsal? Uuuughhhgh, the hell that wouldn't die.

But then one of the other drama members came to give us pointers, like-- gee, this is how you become funny. He was so energized that I couldn't help but feed off it (like some deprived moth). I can only hope that I'll remember all this for tomorrow. -.-'

[Farewell Note]

Anyway, going to go now. Don't know what I'm going to do-- probably eat. Just going though.

I'm energized, but still a bit tired from skating home. -.-'

Saturday, March 6, 2004---02:19 - 03:04 p.m.

Feeling: Annoyed

[Topic] It Sucks to Have Sucky Eyes

Actually, I had started a different entry around eleven, but I had to leave to get my eyes checked and since I wasn't done I just left it. It seemed the start of some great deep thinking entry. Or something. But now I've got more shallow things to complain about. Go figure eh?

Anyway, I swear I must have some of the suckiest eyes around. If you want them, Crystal, I'll offer them for your dinner as long as you can hook me up with some better ones. Ya know, 20-20 vision without astigmatism or excessively large pupils.

A bit of my optical history first, okay? I got my first pair of glasses when I was in third grade-- the early nerd bites the book or something. *Shrugs* Over the years my vision deteriorated rather quickly-- 50-100 degrees a year. And for those of you lucky bastards out there without any eye issues, that's a lot.

I go on, lad-dee-dah-dee-dee, until the summer before tenth grade when I get my first pair of contacts. Hard lenses to keep my degrees from doing their freaky degrees-rise-'til-she's-blind act. It goes on well enough-- except that my night vision is, er, not good.

You see those street lights? The car headlights? The traffic signals? Well, yeah, I do too-- very intimately and blindingly like the rays of the sun. Every time I blinked there'd be a flare an inch or two in diameter to my viewing. All this is aka Sherry would be a *very* dangerous driving since she's blinded every time she blinks.

So I go to my dear optometrist. The problem is decided to be my abnormally large pupils that grow large beyond the help of my too-small contacts. Okay then. So I get new enlarged contacts that cost more than a pretty penny-- more like a couple tens of thousands of pretty pennies. These contacts are gas-permeable because enlarging regular hard lenses would completely block air flow to my eye.

Well, WOAH and behold my problem is-- diminished. Not gone completely, but significantly better. But then good ol' friend astigmatism (which has cost me a lot more pretty pennies in the past) rears its ugly butt into my, um, eye and BAM, there goes my beautiful focus for my right eye.

According to my optometrist my vision is beyond 20-20 with my contacts (the new ones) which is great and all, but numbers don't mean shit if I can't see the board from my seat. I'm not demanding *so* much. Is it so much to ask for that I can see (if not read) good ol' Boyd's practically illegible handwriting from the back of the room? Apparently so.

At today's visit, the doctor told me that there was absolutely nothing he could do for me. My astigmatism issue is regarding a 25 degrees deficiency from the contacts. And for those of you lucky but not as lucky bastards with corrected vision but without astigmatism--- that's not a lot.

It's SO little in fact that they can't put it on lenses. I'll just have to *adjust* to the blurriness in my right eye. *Accept* it or something. Just *get used* to having to cover one eye when squinting at the board. Or get another pair of glasses to wear *OVER* my contacts. Maybe wear my old lenses during the day and switch to the new ones after dark. Or just be less anal. B!tchy basically. Copy notes off other people. The greatness.

It really just sucks right now. I'm going to go see a different optometrist soon to get another opinion. Grr. I cannot except sucky vision--especially uneven sucky vision since it�s only my right eye that�s crap.

You know how some parents spend thousands on their kid�s braces? Well, welcome to my world. At least braces fix the issue. A few years of pain and it�s gone. This however is forever. Damn it.

[Farewell...] ranting.

Maybe I'll be back later with my less shallow posting. At the moment it's been saved onto my computer presumably never to see the light of public viewing. *Shrugs*

Friday, March 5, 2004---03:18 - 03:30 p.m.

Feeling: Blind

[Topic] Blind

Hello world out there, I'm almost blind at this moment. ^^' Ho-hum. I'm typing out this entry at school and without my glasses or contacts.

The pain was just so blinding. Like a needle stuck in my eye, so I had to remove that left contact after lunch. Then the right one starting urking up too, so yeah. Terrible, awful, life-sucking pain!

I'm recommending them to Ivy. ^^ Heeh. That may make me out to be a horrible malevolent creature, but I'm really only looking out for her *future* wonderful sightful self. Since she's almost blind like me too (I'm in the 600's in both eyes by the way) and I found that my vision has not worsened at all since started wearing my rigid contacts.

[Topic] Randomness

Structured thinking is really quite beyond me at this point. I'm feeling rather tired, and what's more-- I actually wish to start studying for some test or another; this is an obvious sign of brain overloading gone wrong.

Anyway, I think I'll go now. I only wanted to update for the sake of updating (great person that I am and all). I think I have a busy weekend in my future. *Shrugs* [Farewell notes] Blah.

Blah. That's it really.

Except... No spell check around. Uggh.

Friday, February 27, 2004---07:55 - 08:19 p.m.

Feeling: Contemplative

[Topic] Looking for meaning

I haven't posted in a while again. Maybe this is just one of my negative energy promoting layouts? Maybe it�ll be another Aquarium-- what was it-- 5? The pink-purple version I badly neglected. Maybe the blog-life is just doomed� ^^

Hmm, actually it's because every time I think to post here, I kind of begin to feel as if I'm just wasting my time. Granted I'm not doing much else productive in place of journaling, but still, many a period I have often spent an entire hour typing up a worthless post.

I didn't want to just post with a short inane message either, the drunk on boredom ones. It just seems that doing that is both unnecessary and unpleasant to me, especially when I look back to those entries as my future self. I want to say something meaningful. Even if it doesn't mean much to anyone else out there, I'd like it if what I wrote meant something to me.

Kind of like my deep moment of the moment there. Maybe I'm just changing as a person very gradually? Do I seem to ponder this subject with increasing frequency? It's probably the transitional phase. Aren�t you glad you get to witness a portion of it?

[Topic] My life this week

It was mostly awful. Drama practices and history group meetings. Chem test and reading for English. I'm badly behind. I shouldn't even be posting now-- I should be working on my English essay or writing my notes for history. But since I had to go online anyway to meet with my Spanish proverb friends I decided to update. Where are they actually?

[Topic] Collective

Remember that collective I used to have? Falling Tear Drops from the Sky-- wow, what a long name-- which ended abruptly the summer before last? I kind of want to bring back my collective.

It wouldn't be FTDftS-- that�s a fragment of the past now-- and it also wouldn't be so anime-based, more personal I suppose. I wonder if I'll ever find the time to do this though? As Amy's been noting, I've been saying that I was going to re-open my collective for years now...

But I still really do want to.

[Farewell...] is for the best now

I've lost my motivation for writing at this very instant.

Thursday, February 19, 2004---06:34 - 06:58 p.m.

Feeling: Incoherent

Quote:"You do not need to look, because you know that he is there. Everywhere you turn, there is a shadow of him." -Amy, in her story Shadows
I was just reading her story and it was one of those memorable quotes. Really bitter-sweet reminiscence.

[Topic] I am tired

Really really tired. Near the point of drop-dead exhaustion! ... and what am I doing online, again? Blogging of course. That's just my way of life.

It's already been two minutes since I started this entry. Agh. Brain does not process well when tired. I'm probably going to sleep after I finish this entry, and I'll just wake up later to start my essay for history� Probably at 2am or something.

I don't quite know what it is that's getting me so worked up though! Err, really really. Worked down? Anyway, maybe it's the Fullerton rehearsals. Or maybe my lack of sleep piling up--though one should think that it had quite enough time to have rebounded on me before....

[Topic] Being Seventeen

Maybe it was my birthday that brought me up to my new joys of... um, whatever. No coherency. Topics not sticking when I can't remember what I'm talking about.

Oh yeah, birthday yesterday.

Well, it was raining; that's the first note. It was cold-- also not good. I had a Fullerton rehearsal until 4:10pm, really not good. Then I came home and read manga for the rest of the day/night. ^o^ Oh yeah, I'm so good.

[Farewell...] For now anyway

Very sleepy. Cannot think. Over due books. Must return. Must read American Tragedy. Must stop reading W-J. Must not sleep late. Must do homework. Must sleep.

Must spell-check.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004---09:56 - 10:19 p.m.

Feeling: Nothing really.

Quote: "Reaching out for sanity" -- Stacy G.
She�s in my Fullerton group and that came up as we were discussing one of the characters-- really a pathetic sort of character. Tragic maybe. I like the way it sounds though. Nicely abstract yet full of imagery.

[Topic] New Layout

Well, I did say that I was planning on having a new layout soon, didn�t I? It's just that I say it so often that people probably don't take me seriously anymore with regards to that. Isn't that so?

As the description to the side notes (if you had bothered to read it of course), this is the second layout I've ever created that did not feature anime related art. o_O� That�s really an amazing thing if the number of layouts I�ve created is taken into consideration. The other layout was the Amy-Layout, by the way--if you were interested in remembering. Wasn�t that a nice Amy-picture? I could make a much better layout to do the picture justice if I were to do so now. Hmm... I seem to have a green fetish when I work with non-anime images. *Shrugs*

Everything was photographed today as I meandered home from Fullerton rehearsal (which ended at 5pm by the way). It was a very artistic moment for me. I think.

[Topic] Me

That sounds completely modest. ^^

What I really mean, though, is that tomorrow is my birthday. Wooh-weeh. I think. It's kind of strange, and I've delved into that angst-y moment again. I'm now about to be seventeen and yet I act nothing like the age--in level of *hoped for* maturity. That's supposed to be normal, but I feel a certain sadness in thinking of that.

I started blogging in the summer of 2001 when I was a freshman, and now high school seems almost over. Have I changed as a person since then? Have my values changed? My ways of expression?

I just wanted to take a moment to think upon that. As one grows older, does s/he also get wiser? Is that a guarantee? I think I'm wiser now. I have changed. Maybe I'm better now. What about you? Any life crisis for discussion?

[Topic] Life

It's been really busy with new projects and Fullerton having started, and I haven't exactly helped the happy-process by procrastinating. *Sigh* I need an extra five hours in each day to be purely devoted to sleep.

I hope that I'll actually be able to do my work at least partially responsibly from now on.

"From now on." Huh.

[Goodbye is such...] a necessary thing.

I've spent *four* continuous hours working on this blog now. Time to give it a rest and start working on that "From now on" I've thought to mention.

Cheers to me.