Friday, September 27, 2002

I THINK I HEAR A CHICKEN-HAWK

Lately, stripping back the camouflaged wallpaper that coats most political discussions has become a challenge in its own right. It's easy to get worked up and gung-ho about America making the world safe for another possible democracy if you won't be the American called upon to fight. So perhaps I shouldn't be surprised at the deafening squawk of the chicken-hawk chorus . But I am.

War summons the best parts of our selves as human beings to the forefront. Now is the time to notice the virtues of our fellow citizens, namely, honor, integrity , strength of character, cool reason. I'm not interested in heroism that encompasses anything less. Looking at The New Hampshire Gazette's chicken-hawk database does little to lift that "national spirit" I'm supposed to be channeling.

Enough of the pity party. I should explain what exactly a chicken-hawk is so that the next time you see one, you can either laugh, cry, or run-- whatever defense mechanism suits you best. According to the pundits, a chicken-hawk is a public person - generally male - who (1) tend to advocate, or are fervent supporters of those who advocate, military solutions to political problems, and who have personally (2) declined to take advantage of a significant opportunity to serve in uniform during wartime. In ordinary language, these are the guys who played "chicken" by talking the talk without walking the walk. According to zoologists, a chicken-hawk is a colloquial term for any type of hawk that might prey on chickens in a farm-yard. Though there is no single species of bird to which this title is limited, it mostly applies to red-tailed hawks because they are most likely to be the farmer's foe.

A good dissertation topic for desparate-doctorate seekers might be a state-by-state statistical comparison of chicken-hawk concentration. The conclusion might be a request to the government to begin a very expensive program forcing the chicken-hawks to roost somewhere else besides on farms and in Congress. If you are finished with school and need a nice family-activity to bring your bretheren together, drop by your friendly Congressman's office and ask him to participate in a community-celebrating chicken-hawk race . Oh, and remind him that elections are coming.

Since there is no one species that sums up chicken-hawk-dom, these friendly farm-yard animals come in different flavors and sizes for your listening pleasure. For example, House Majority Whip and chicken-hawk extraordinaire Tom Delay (R-Texas) avoided Vietnam because he was too busy serving the homefront by starting an exterminating business . All that exterminating fluid, however, did not seem to affect his speaking skills . Kenneth Starr was too busy battling psoriasis to fight in Vietnam. And tough-man Rush Limbaugh bottomed-out due to either "anal cysts" or "an ingrown hair" follicle on his rear-guard.

One last definition for a chicken-hawk that I didn't mention is the one given to me by a gay friend, who described chicken-hawks as "adult men who like under-aged boys". I leave the mathematics to you. And I leave the comfort-women to Tom Tommorow .