. . . ć n i m a l . . . version 0.1

Linx

IndyMedia
Znet
coke kills
Al-Jazeerah
protest globally
protest locally
over my dead body
think for yourself...
SAVE SHERMAN
pitas
ZeD
Burning Man Proxy

Listening to "Maps" by yeah yeah yeahs

here is "Weak and Powerless" by APC [streaming only]. Enjoy!

sign my guestbook?

new pome

Friday, August 29, 2003 12:24 a.m.
i dont feel like writing much at the moment, so i will let a new pome, exclusively found here, do the talking. i wrote it at the same thyme as claustrophobe, but i didnt like it as much and hid it away. i just found it today, going through my stuff.

i am seeing the yeah yeah yeahs tomorrow nite, so have a listen to one of their lovely songs. bye for now, the next thyme you hear from me i will be living in toronto.

C.

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Lullaby for Liquid Pig

Wednesday, August 27, 2003 10:29 p.m.
tomorrow is my last day at werk. then i am free, to get another job, so that i can stay in toronto after second year. it will be a sobering year, i think. first year was a breeze, academically speaking. and i became immersed in the political life of the city, which was perfect. this year i think that i will struggle more with the 'educational' part of toronto (i use quotes because i really think it is just indoctrination, training to accept offical ideas and dogmas, but why do i remain in school then?).

why knot just find a job that allows me to survive (barely) and to pay off my OSAP debt [hardly], and then really immerse my self in the city. just disappear.. come out the same but profoundly affected. chewed up and spit out and destroyed and rebuilt, brick by brick, rebuilt by the city in which i was born.. [dreams..to dream.. to live..]

on friday i will make the trek down to the big city, i will see the yeah yeah yeahs, and then... i dont know. perhaps i will end up sleeping on the streets for a night or two. the only place that i can think of that would be safe is Shitty Hall, the place i slept at the end of March, before the Toronto Social Forum and a certain special day ;). everywhere else will be suspect to me (or should i say 'sketchy'). if i just bring warm clothes and a bottle of water, i should be okay. and its not like i am really desperate or anything. i have money, unlike others i may meet out there. i can eat whenever i want, unlike the dispossessed i will encounter. i am a fake. i just want to experience, and what better thyme than when one is young? perhaps i will need to be prepared for poverty, you never know.

August 31, Sundae. you will descend from a cloud. covered in reddish bumps that are itchy. glowing inside; the rivulets running thinner still at the end of the cycle. glowing outside with a light i only dreamt of previously. i read your name in newspapers in my dreams, you know. your name and where you are now is interspersed amongst trivia questions and not-so-subtle ads for allergy medication: 'Priscilla Beaulieu', 'trattoria', Dante's Inferno written in what language? can you recall? oh yes, it was Italian. just torture me some more, will you? as i eat Chinese food that gives me unpleasant gas, perhaps because i have not really eaten anything but cereal for the past two weeks.

you haunt my mind all day. i sit frozen in indecision, i have tomorrow after werk to be ready to move everything i have 100 kilometres away, but all i think of is kissing your face, all over, all the thyme, and crying into your eyes, washing our skin together, crumbling away as one, dying into nothing but intense bliss and pain all mixed into a crazy mistaken glance that you laid upon me one octoberry day; and if you hadn't done so how nothing ever would have happened to anyone, ever. the world would have stopped, because it would have sensed the greatest injustice, that is love not being expressed to its fullest potential, and all would stop ...

...and if i fall down in a face of scars...

C.

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care bears countdown

Friday, August 22, 2003 09:45 p.m.
i actually awoke kind of happy today, because i am almost rid of this city and its loneliness that clings to me like a wet leaf. i finally began to pack last night, seeing as i will not have an actual day off to do so, i thought it would be wise to do it after werk. tonite i am tired, and i would rather do this anyway, so fuck it. last year, around this thyme, as i was aprroaching the end of my period at the unnamed grossery store, i was so impatient to get it over with that the last few days were the worst; they seemd to drag on forever. i am feeling that way again, and i know it will be worse than last year, since i have to werk every single day until i am done. thats seven days straight; but then i am done with it. for good.

=D

i sit here, eating apple sauce, listening to the yeah yeah yeahs (i get to see them in a week!), and i am conscious of my decision to not return here to live. that means a lot of things: first, i am going to be living on my own for real, and not just temporarily living in a residence; second, that means that i must find some way of supporting myself ie a 'job'. and that causes me to realize number three: that this 'job' will more than likely be more or less identical to the one i am so happily about to slough off. if i do not get involved in the political life and culture of the city, then i will end up the way i am now; lonely, depressed, empty, sullen, bitter, the list goes on ad nauseam.... ..

nevertheless, the happiness that i felt this morning (or was it anticipation), is all but dissipated now. those negative emothions above, are all thats left. at least i am still feeling; that would be a tragedy if i felt nothing. i remember those days. i would rather die than go back there; i would have to be dragged kicking and screaming to go back there. now that i have had my entire being opened up to the intensity, i cannot go back to nothing. who could? even the negative emotions are intense, i would rather have those than nothing at all. they are mine. because of this some people might consider me mentally ill. well, then i am, but to be is to be alive. i feel alive, even now, in front of this rapidly flickering inanimate screen that is probably giving me a headache (or worse) as i type

baby im afraid of a lot of things, but i aint scared of lovin you.... ..

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I killed the cuckoo

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 10:15 p.m.
a little more than week left of werk, and barrie. then i will be back in toronto, to (it seems) resume living. i feel as if i have been in suspended animation since the end of april, just waiting to go back to skool. i am going hungry though; i dont eat much anymore; i am not sure if it is because im losing my appetite (as a result of depression), or if i am doing it out of a desire to save money. but i feel ill all the thyme now, and very very weak. one thing that i will do this year is buy a huge bag of rice (like 10 pounds), and when i run out of money on my meal plan, i will just eat that, and perhaps the occasional vegetable from a generous neighbour. i am looking forward to it in a weird way.

So i guess you showed Jen the poems, did you? damn, should've taken them down. o well. you're not supposed to tell the person you are going to look at them, it makes them feel awkward.....but then again, almost everything makes me feel awkward. seeing ppl i know makes me feel awkward. its just the way i am.

"God responds to knee mail" says the sign outside the Salvation Army church behind my house. i mean, its funny, but it still smacks of submission, kneeling down, bowing down to higher authority. just beg and pray and grovel, and maybe, just maybe, if this mysterious Being in the heavens considers you worthy and lowly enough, then you will be saved. f u c k your god

I just remembered that i am supposed to write a poem for someone special....but i am sorry, it doesnt werk that way, you're just going to have to wait. i dont feel like it; when i do, you will be the second to know, because i will write it with you on my mind; see what special contortions my mind will endure for your momentary pleasure. fuck. anything for you, everything. the void for a thousand years, just to hear your sweet voice one more thyme. i am insane.

i cannot forget to call glendon tomorrow, to let them know i am moving in on the 2nd, in the evening.

then i will wake, and go to her, and join together, and we will watch bjork together, just the two of us. fireworks. electronic beats. romance. a kiss that means something; a kiss that is filled with the desperate scream of a death worse than dying: vacance, emptiness of emotion, lack of intensity. all hopefully will be released into the crackling air, the fireworks a perfect symmetry to my catharsis.

werd of the day: coniption

C.

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re: blackout

Saturday, August 16, 2003 09:03 p.m.
Quote of the century by Ontario's unelected premier Ernie Eves:

"That is not helpful … people can't be frivolous with their use of power."

ahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

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i capped the mofo

Saturday, August 16, 2003 06:58 p.m.
today this guy i werk with called me and my mom a nigger, so i freaked out and threw a two liter plastic bottle of pop at him as he walked away. it hit him square on the back of the head. he certainly wasnt expecticating that, was he? he claimed that he didnt say 'nigger', that he said 'nigra'. what the FUCK is that? and does that even make a difference? i dont think so. it doesnt make any difference that i am not dark-skinned at all. he was malicious. so i grabbed the bottle on impulse and hucked it at him, from about six feet away. that'll learn 'im not to say racist things to people who are not his friends.

Anyway, there was this blackout, yadda yadda yadda. deregulation this, corruption that, coincidence or conspiracy, incompetence, accident. there: covered all the bases.

still not prepared for moving back to toronto. and i refused to clean the lunchroom.

i could see satellites going overhead. 'sputniks'. a few shooting stars.

what flavour of ice cream would communism be? capitalism? socialism? anarchism? fascism? racism? ahahaha, kind of a trick question; maybe not.

i felt like passing out today; i was all shaky. i told priscilla i also felt like a zombie, or a robot. i did, though; just goin through the motions, putting stuff on the shelf, taking boxes to the front, returning overstock to the freezer, blah blah blah. but i expounded on what an anarchist werkplace might be like to Ben chilla. so i spread my antidote to the ruling-class poison to another person. not that he agreed wholeheartedly. not that i would want him to, cuz then he would just be another drone, accepting everything that hes told. then again, i know that he was skeptical only because it sounds unorthodox; you know, people actually having control over their werkplace, with no central authority giving orders. ooo, soooo radical. to me its common sense, dammit.

i am excited about bjork, now that mufassa can come. and i just read a review of her show in kalifornia here. so exciticated. purrr

C.

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she played "Siren" :D

Thursday, August 14, 2003 12:54 a.m.
*yawn* just got back from Tori. i was so close to her that i could see her drool, and boy does she drool a lot. that is all for now; im exhausted.

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pattern against user

Tuesday, August 12, 2003 09:19 p.m.
yesterday at werk a woman who looked kind of insane kept asking me how much stuff was, even though the price was right in front of her. and she was adding it up out loud, came up to seven dollars. she explained that the voucher she had has only twenty five dollars on it, so she has to be careful. that made me want to cry. FOOD SHOULD BE FREE. IT IS NOT A PRIVILEGE, IT IS A RIGHT. that is why i have no qualms about stealing from the place. i need to think of something big to do to the place on my last day. maybe i will cut the power to the whole store. or i will just shut down the cooling mechanisms for the coolers and freezers and displays. that will cost the owner a lot of fucking money, thats for sure. i wish i could steal a lot of fucking food from the place and donate it all to the food bank. "skin graft -- machinery"

tomorrow i am going to toronto to see tori amos. yay. and maybe i will even see chala afterwards, probably it will be too late tho. its going to be weird going to the show alone; i have never done that before. and then i will be sleeping at priscilla's mom's alone. that will be strange too. the absence of a single living soul in a place where someone died will be eerie. death is for the living

keep selling the blood of the colombians in aluminum cans, joe. what you reap is what you sow.
C.

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Postcard From Purgatory

Saturday, August 9, 2003 10:00 p.m.
well, actually the postcard was from Italy; purgatory is where i happen to be; i sometimes feel as if i dont exist. i drift from place to place, from home to werk, and back again. it doesnt feel like living, it feels like waiting to live again, as if i know what real living is like, and i am just waiting for it to happen to me again.

So i finally got a postcard from Priscilla today, or yesterday. there is a stale picture of a piazza in siena adorning the front of the card. i am always disappointed by pictures -- they seem to leave so much out. i expected to see beauty when i looked at it; it was lifeless, not much different from here; maybe even the openness would frighten me, because it is so much like isolation. but i am not agoraphobic, i would just realize how utterly lonely i feel. i used to say to people, "I am alone, but not lonely". That doesnt seem to fit anymore. Once you taste paradise, reality pales in comparison. before her, i never knew what real love and intensity and passion was; now, i know it, and i know the agony of their absence all too well. today at werk i held a door open for one of the cashiers, and after she just lightly placed her hand on my back and thanked me for holding the door. my knees nearly buckled as i became completely overwhelmed. it was not sexual at all, it was just the shock of a kind touch that got to me. after she left i tried hard to keep from crying.

Officially, today marks the longest we have been apart since we met on octoberry the sixth 2000. a mere fifteen days, and twenty more to go. akin to going without water, thats what it is like...
i move back to toronto soon as well...i am not ready. i am not packed, i have made no arrangements for transportation. i am not even enrolled yet. hmmm. i should get on this. side note: four more days until Tori. maybe i am excited. i cant tell because i feel so emtee. C.

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Priscilla's Travel Log....well, not really

Thursday, August 7, 2003 06:31 p.m.
today she travelled to Florence (Firenze) with some acquaintances. Europe is going through a heatwave right now, so it was 40 degrees celsius. ouch. tomorrow she is going to Verona and hopefully attending an opera (Carmen), then she will sleep at a convent. lets hope she does not emerge a nun (and celibate)... then saturday and sundae she will be in Venice. Fuck, she better ride in one of those boat things (gondoliers???). she will not have actually been to italy if she doesnt ride in one. End travel log.

Today i werked a measly TWO HOURS. i mean, whats the fucking point? so i left at noon and walked to an unnamed health food store, and bought organic fruit -- bananas, apples, and pears. thats all they had really, for what i was planning. when there i saw this thing for twenty five dollars that grows sprouts. perhaps i will invest in that. one can never have too many sprouts, right? right. hopefully my nickname will be alfalfa by the end of the year.
i come home and cut fruit, to dry it. i am practising delaying my pleasure: the fuit is so yummy i want to eat it now, but its for skool after i run out of money and/or food. kind of like delaying an orgasm, which i am no good at let me tell you. ugh, a little too much information there. just ignore that. *ahem*

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war is heinous, thumb your anus

Tuesday, August 5, 2003 01:36 a.m.
it just doesnt get any better than this.

Shizzle your nizzle, don't kizzle the pizzle. Yo.

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but i hate that stupid 'toolbar' ad thing

Tuesday, August 5, 2003 01:09 a.m.
i have begun the bones of another site with geocities. i am not sure if i am actually going to develop something or if i am just going to use the place for [illegal] storage, but i figured i might as well at least pretend that i am being civil with them.

C.

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gill-tea

Monday, August 4, 2003 11:35 p.m.
On a freezing Martin Luther King Day in 2003, citizen weapons inspectors, armed with inspection certificates and crappy sticky badges that wore off in the wind and cold, converged on Northrop Grumman inc. formerly known as Litton Systems Canada, to inspect the premises to see if they were producing weapons of mass destruction. well, as it turns out, they were, and still are, making cruise missile guidance systems, and they are making quite a pretty penny. besides, if they dont make any money from slaughter, at least the feds are subsidizing them to the tune of hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars each year.

Anyway, what ensued was people being dragged away from the premises, eight people arrested. Marija and myself participated in the civil disobedience action. i was in the peculiar position of being manhandled by the fuzz as a newspaper reporter asked my name, age and occupation. i was not arrested though. the police obviously had orders to pick up only the more prominent members of Homes Not Bombs, including a 73 year old man. I remember approaching the police cruiser where Matt Behrens and i think Frank "Barney" Barningham were cuffed inside to see if they were all right. apparently the police didnt like that; i was told to get away from the car in a stern, threatening bellow, almost as if they thought it would explode or something. i was trying to hear Matthew speak; i think he was saying something about the cuffs being too tight and cutting off circulation. fuck, that fucking hurts, i know; your hands are behind your back, the cold metal digging into skin and bone, and you have no choice but to sit on them, adding to the pain.

Today the verdict came in on their trial. Guilty. Of trespassing on "private property". Each fined $75. Not a very hefty sum, but it was a suprise they lost; In every other action, Homes Not Bombs has been acquitted; this is the first thyme they have been found guilty. and the ruling emphasized the right of private power over people power, private property over public accountability. go here to read the report, written by Matthew Behrens.

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breakin the law breakin the law (judas priest)

Monday, August 4, 2003 02:52 a.m.
my gazelle you would be in class by now i should say. have a splendid thyme. love you. [tiamo?]

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army of skree

Sunday, August 3, 2003 07:45 p.m.
alas another uneventful day in conservativille. i seem to subsist on cereal (with soy milk) and popcorn solely. i have werked five days in a row and now i have tomorrow off (it is a civic holiday. i wonder if other car names get jealous?). i will sit down with my stuff and maybe actually choose my courses for this fall. i am getting scared; what if the ones i want are seriously taken? i will have to do something else with my thyme at skool. perhaps that is not so bad anyway; i only like university because i wasnt HERE, and i was involved in politics (real politics=street politics). i was at anti-war demos, i took part in a direct action at Northrop Grumman (formerly Litton Systems), and in mass civil disobedience (during which i almost had my face smashed in by a hysterical pig). I helped to organize a student-run bilingual antiwar conference; my college is bilingual so a friend (Marija -- you are in Croatia right now i think) and i were in charge of finding bilingual students who were up to the challenge of on-the-spot interpretation. I occupied the lobby of YorkU's president's office (that was amazing). i got arrested with two other people (as ordered by the previously mentioned president) during an information picket/strike (about the Iraq slaughter) at my own university; detained for six hours, harrassed, threatened with a strip search, finally released without charges on the "condition" that i not attend any more antiwar demos. i spent a night at the Peace Camp at City Hall in Toronto; woke up to people having sex two sleeping bags away from me (Marija will remember im sure); then i went to the Toronto Social Forum. o yeah, did i mention that i went to skool too? but that part does not even interest me; fuck, i barely did my readings.

So coming back to barrie was a real let-down, even though i heard about the antiwar demo that happened here on February 15 (historic day), and as i was settling back into my werk-eat-consume routine, i tried to follow the "tent city" situation that occurred here. those are some promising signs, but i do not yet have the confidence to try to establish a radical foothold here myself, and frankly i dont believe barrie is quite ready for that yet. ok, i am friggin skrungry so i am going to eat. can anyone say 'baked sesame fries'?
C.

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papal insignia

Saturday, August 2, 2003 07:57 p.m.
today seems to be a day for random thoughts. dont you just fucking HATE the pope? that old fucker. recently he issued an edict calling on all Catholic politicians to oppose same-sex marriages. What the fuck. what ever happened to separation of church and state [how about destruction of church and state]? and this is all happening because of the kkkanadian government's push to have same-sex marriages made into law, so to speak. again, though, its just another attempt for Chretien to build himself some kind of legacy, just like he is trying to do with Kyoto and the pot issue. funny thing is that he will probably be succeeded by Paul Martin, who happens to be Catholic. so, who knows what to expect. Perhaps pre-marital sex will be outlawed.... hmmmm. mad king george south of the border also came out against gay marriage, which is more than a marriage issue; it is a human rights issue. still, religious and political fanatics cannot seem to see homosexuals as actual people; they see them as aberrations, mistakes or something. even my family, who are relatively 'liberal' (i use that term loosely), says things like "let THEM (gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transsexuals, two-spirited people) do what they want", in this tone that makes me think that they dont even want to THINK about it, that the issue is unrelated to the struggles that other oppressed people have been through; as if being queer means being something other than human or 'normal'. fuck. / the other day i was walking up bayfield street, against the wind and the metallic death machines rushing by, and i felt this sting on my left cheek (on my face :P). i reached up to touch and when i pulled my finger away there was a tiny spider on it. i was viciously attacked by this merciless beast. it was slightly larger than the head of a pin, but still, what did i do to deserve such a brutal thrashing? my face was hardly irritated for a few minutes. i thought i had to go to the hospital for a second there. Phew! / my page layout: i like it. its the best i can do with my limited knowlege of html. the problem is that any time the content could just disappear suddenly; i am 'liberating' [Liberace] bandwidth from Tripod. I have an account with them but i dont really use it at all. that is how i can have a background and pictures, and have music and that stupid little mail gif at the bottom of the page. but if they find out, its game over. i am surprised that it has lasted this long. i kind of feel like the protagonist from "The Invisible Man" by Ralph Ellison: he lives in a crawlspace in an abandoned building bordering the rich white folk areas, and he is siphoning off electricity to warm and light his little hole. the whole space is fitted with lights set up like people set up Xmas lights outside their house. he even considers fitting the floor with them. nice book. i feel like the twenty-first century version of that character. carrying on a battle with a corporation without their knowlege. perhaps i am being too dramatic. o well. C.

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sigh

Friday, August 1, 2003 11:51 a.m.
i wonder if you read this anymore. you probably dont have thyme...

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colours and the kids

Friday, August 1, 2003 11:48 a.m.
right now i feel like an elephant is stepping on my head. any moment my skull could explode in a grisly display of reddish shades, almost like watching a watermelon being smashed on concrete. i will walk away from it all one day, but today i will walk only to werk. C.

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tilling my own grave to keep me level

Thursday, July 31, 2003 10:13 p.m.
i almost fucking quit my fucking job today (oo extra cussage). i am growing so tired of being treated like a slave, like a subordinate. i used to be able to take it, because i thought that was how it had to be. but now, i cant stand taking orders from anyone, not even the owner (who, by the way, is giving his son more hours than me even though i have more seniority -- big surprise). last thyme he asked me to do something i flatly told him no, i cant and wont werk that way. if i am left alone, i do fine. i dont need some self-important and incompetent prick with his head shoved up the owner's ass watching my every move and barking orders at me like some slave driver. i was talking to some others there who seemed to believe that the owner rewards those who werk hard with a raise (over and above the mandatory raises mandated by the Union). i disagreed totally. he does not reward hard werk, or i should say he does not reward hard werk alone; what he mostly rewards is obedience. if you conform to the hierarchy and listen to your 'superiors' (that werd smacks of fascism to me), and also if you become an ass-kissing moron like them, you get a raise. its more about rewarding the values that the owner and generally all capitalists want to see in their werkers. they will reward obedience and betrayal of your fellow werkers, but they punish any resistance to authority and attempts at REAL solidarity building. all over the store are notices posted by the shadowy "loss prevention" department, using condescending and paternalistic language, instilling fear in the werkers. e.g.: "Recently an employee was found to be (insert 'crime' here), and unfortunately is no longer employed by us and may be facing jail time". the tone implicitly urges people to be snitches; makes me feel i am in 1984 or something. i find myself to be more tense and angry each day. every single guy there has some kind of problem, they seem to be in constant competition with each other, to see who is the biggest man. its a sick joke. they are all assholes and pigs. seriously. most of them are racist, homophobic, sexist, the fucking list goes on. i feel so alone there; i dont fit in with either gender. the guys are, well, i just mentioned them. the females i do seem to get along with more, as always, but still, when i really think about them, i feel sick. they are shallow and ignorant and seem to have no idea at all about anything. at least most of them are not nearly as insensitive as the males. i dont mean to sound pretentious, but i guess there's nothing i can do about that. i feel like an endangered species, constantly threatened and hunted. there are thymes when i get along with even the biggest fucking pricks, but afterwards i feel horrible for talking to them, especially when i know about their attitudes towards women and gays. nobody is ALL bad, but i seem to be in contact with the worst part of these people. my attempts at being patient and understanding and sensitive and sympathetic seem to go unnoticed, or they see that as a sign of weakness, as if guys are not supposed to be that way; then they capitalize on it. ok i am done ranting. i just want to say one more thing: Hilary Duff is bulemic. C.

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feeling lighter

Tuesday, July 29, 2003 03:55 p.m.
she called me this morning and her voice pushed the clouds away from my mind. she had so much to say but -- as per ususal -- i had little to none. it has been the same here but worse in some way, more barren, so why would i want to enlighten her about that? but just from that one phone call, i felt a renewed sense of peace and i became instantly happier. kind of sad, isnt it? ahahaha i like the werd 'piazza', and she said it a couple of thymes. back to the grind tomorrow, the meat grinder that is. i had planned on werking myself to death the rest of the summer, but that has not quite panned out yet; they have been taking away my hours. where the fuck is the union in this? fuck it, instead i will just werk harder at making the capitalist in charge lose profits. i try to do it without upsetting the customers, because if i do that then i will get fired. meanwhile i sit around here making tofu jerky (which takes forever let me tell you -- havent finished the first batch after two days), reading the Direct Action book by Ann Hansen, only going out when i need to get things like Braggs or a long distance calling card....mundanity. i complain but will not do anything about it. well, theres an OCAP action coming up in August, maybe i could participate in that. its a bit iffy, though. "Feast at the Tory Trough" its called. From what i understand (mind you my understanding is limited, go to http://www.ocap.ca/), people will march thru Yorkville (Porkville) and harrass the middle to upper class people dining there. there really is no point, except it perhaps raises class consciousness in some obscure way. funny, though: i have eaten in Yorkville before, at a sushi place. what would john clarke think of that? it isnt like i had a $3500 bottle of wine tho, just crappy avocado salad (krappy cuz it was mostly iceberg lettuce and shredded white cabbage) and some veggie tempura. i remember saying to priscilla how unreal the whole area seemed, dare i say artificial like the Matrix, how clean the streets were, no homeless people around, the only sign of the 'law' was a meter maid, mercedes and bimmers and jags abound. it was disgusting. i preferred Queen Street, tho i am aware that it is just another version of the same thing, just slightly hipper. it has expensive restaurants and clothing stores, the same as Porkville. the only difference is the style of these places and the people you see walking the streets. wait, theres another difference: there are homeless and beggars on Queen. there. that reassures me slightly. im a sick bastard.

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desperate and ravenous

Tuesday, July 29, 2003 01:34 a.m.
my page looks better now. who cares? i only think about the world six hours ahead of me, because that is where she dwells. in a place that for me seems imaginary because i have never been there. how do i know if it really exists? it could be an illusion; if i see for myself only then will i believe it is there. just like how people only spring into life when i come within sight of them; otherwise they do not even exist to me. i would be walking along a sidewalk somewhere in barrie and suddenly a car would pull into some random driveway just as i was walking past it. or people would come out of their house as i was passing by. suddenly the sedentary lifestyle that the vast majority of us lead vanishes when i come around. so then i suppose i should disbelieve the fact that we live sedentary lives because i do not see it? my twisted logic seems to point that way. is she still sleeping serenely in her foreign bed, or has she arisen from the warm and murky depths of slumber by now? what will she have for breakfast? what will she be wearing? will her hair be up or down? will she be happy or sad or angry? these are questions to which i have no answers, they plague my thoughts all the thyme. strange how i would never ask these questions when she was present; she would tell me without provocation. i hope that she did not take that as me not being interested; obviously it grasps my mind for me to be thinking it so intensely now. "when i am queen i'll have my way i'll make it 'drowning dolly day'". deliriosity killed the insomniacat.

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a word from the Other Side

Sunday, July 27, 2003 09:26 a.m.
i must go to werk [wage slavery] soon but i just wanted to notify that i received a message from priscilla in italia in the form of an electronic note in a bottle. the flight went ok except for the meal which was lame, she is feeling great and having the most splendid thyme (my words). sick: i was almost upset that she was so happy at first, then i smartened up. i guess it was because i wanted her to miss me as much as i already miss her. but if i was in her position i would be thinking about how amazing the place is and how much fun i will have, and i would want her to be happy for me. so in conclusion i am happy that she is happy. so happy.

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yeah yeah yeah!

Saturday, July 26, 2003 10:02 p.m.
yippee! the yeah yeah yeahs are doing a show in toronto! i am going! august 29! skreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *ahem* carry on. C.

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oompah-loompahs are scary

Saturday, July 26, 2003 07:34 p.m.
today the vice president of the united states of apathy was driving the bus on my way to werk. it seriously WAS Dick Cheney, holy shit. he was trying to keep a low profile, but i found him out. next thyme, i will tell on him. i am poor and i am starving, but i am going to make tofu jerky for skool, so then i will have something like food to eat while there. at present i have not yet enrolled at Glendon because i cannot get face thyme with the head honcho of the English dept. he has to sign my form giving his approval of my course of study, implying that i am an idiot and need guidance or something. i swear, they baby you at York; i would rather be left alone to do as i please; but of course that would defeat the purpose of university and education in general which is to instill obedience, respect for authority, and acceptance of hierarchy and the status quo. anyway, i have not heard from priscilla yet, which is not surprising; but it would be nice to know if everything went well, with the flight and the food and how she feels -- what with jet lag and all. really i am glad that she is gone because she needed this trip so badly. and if you are reading this mufassa, i am not sad....yet. in other news, i have just been informed that my brother will be living in my room for the month of august, thereby rendering my room completely uninhabitable; that means that i will probably be on the computer a hell of a lot more, basking in the cold blue pulse of solitude that is the monitor. my one refuge has been invaded and i feel naked and cold [waah waah]. o well, i will deal with this minor annoyance in the only way i know how: belligerence. ;) C.

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can you tell i am bored already?

Friday, July 25, 2003 10:44 p.m.
added guestbook, notify list and a nifty burning amerikkkan flag gif. Enjoy ;) C.

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if there were no desire to heal...

Friday, July 25, 2003 08:09 p.m.
i am back in rotten old barrie now; priscilla is on the plane to italy, [voidemptyvacantnothing] and i am feeling ok i guess. it has only been a few hours. i stayed with her as long as i possibly could at the airport; then she went thru security [insecurity] and she was gone. i wandered around the temple a while, and then decided it was high thyme to leave. i sat on the sweaty ttc bus with peoples asses in my face for over an hour before it arrived at the lawrence west station. i then went north to yorkdale and ran my skinny ass off to catch the bus to barrie. here i am, drained and sullen, invaded and open to the world, tho i am trying to hide myself away, as per usual. i know that i will werk myself away to nothing, try to forget the big empty that is now, and be patient for the kiss that will bring me back to life, five weeks hence. be patient. i have lived by that for a long thyme, and so i will...C.

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sleepless with oily hands

Thursday, July 24, 2003 12:17 a.m.
*sigh* she is sleeping now and i am a little worried about her. i hope that she can enjoy her thyme in italy, and not get too caught up in thinking about where she will be living when she gets back, or if she got into her courses or not. or most importantly, thinking too much about her dad. the trip really is a new beginning for her, a grand (i used to hate that werd until i met her) way to start anew. i will not leave, nor do i want to; i wish to continue on this wavering path towards oblivion. intense is the werd that most commonly comes to mind when i think of life since meeting her; could be pleasure, or pain or sadness, but it has always been intense; i should not kid myself, i would kill everything for her. and then i think of the five weeks we shall be apart and how it could affect me: a test case for psychosis, perhaps? she is the only thing that keeps me going, that keeps me from certain self-destruction, that keeps me in skool; despite what she thinks, she has made me a better person, she has made me want to believe in myself. it is up to me and me only to take those steps. C.

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toronto

Wednesday, July 23, 2003 11:48 a.m.
to be more precise, north york, amidst an unforgiving landscape of apartments, malls and asphalt. priscilla leaves in two days. it seems that all i eat now is toast. this sundae coming up is the anti-wto mobilization in Montreal. i wanted to go but things didnt werk out -- since priscilla will be in italy, on the 28th i will have to enrol in her courses on her behalf. which simply reminds me that i still have not chosen my courses or enrolled yet. maybe the ones i need to fulfill my majors are full already? o well, its something i will have to live with i suppose. but i just saw a piece about an anarchist free university on indymedia. hmmmm.

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leaving for the big smoke

Monday, July 21, 2003 01:14 p.m.
i am off to toronto in a few hours, to spend as much thyme as i possibly can with the only person who goes to this page. priscilla, you are leaving for europa soon and that means my soul will have an out-of-body experience for five whole weeks. i am not looking forward to the emptiness that i will feel during your absence...i love you... C.

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bloodshot

Monday, July 21, 2003 01:58 a.m.
total overhaul of page, even though i dont know code. i am learning, step by step, how to create a web page. i just hope that this project does not go the way of so many others throughout my life. C.

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o so bored

Friday, July 18, 2003 10:22 p.m.
today i endured yet another agonizingly boring and soul-destroying day at werk. i werk with MEAT at a grocery store that i will not name. i werk with meat and i am a vegetarian, almost a vegan. o yes, the irony is killing me; it is just about too much pyschological turmoil to handle. sometimes i get blood on my hands, then i have to stop what i am doing immediately, take many deep breaths, and usually remove myself from the situation. i make someone else do what i am doing. i keep sane by telling customers that i am a vegetarian and that "pretty much all of our meat is crappy". i call my department the "Flesh Dept" and i occasionally reduce items that should not be reduced, in a cynical and probably ineffective attempt to cause the boss hog to make less profit. once i put warning stickers on the meat, but it got too hot (if you know what i mean) so i had to stop. i steal stuff sometimes too. *sigh* werking for the Man...

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o i almost forgot

Thursday, July 17, 2003 07:18 p.m.
i mean to say a special greetings to mufassa. :P

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this is the beginning

Thursday, July 17, 2003 06:50 p.m.
i really have nothing monumental or spectacular to say about this. i will just say greetings to anyone who visits (whether it is friends, family, strangers or CSIS), and that i will try to make this interesting.. that is all. C.

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poetree