I didn't really study yesterday. I studied on the train from church to Clementi, then later for a while at Clementi Coffee Bean. A very short while. Met Hui Jun (from council) there who was studying with her friends. She looks a lot happier. :D

Then afterwards I got quite frustrated at my computer because it kept giving me problems - jamming up, system unstable, ICQ and Internet Explorer not responding and really long loading times. Plus my broadband was either jamming up or totally disconnected and I've been using dialup for the past few days. I was really angry and upset and I didn't want to study. In fact I wanted to die and to slash myself all over with a penknife, but I was afraid of tetanus so I didn't.

I finished Love Hina 10 (English Version) and started on 11. Love Hina 10 is a very good book, the best in the series really - It has funny bits, emotionally heartrending bits (I cried a few times) and it's quite a thick book of good content and fantastic artwork. I take a pretty long time to read.

Then in the evening I called for MacDonalds (again - junk food to induce artificial happiness) and watched tv with my brother (some Bean - The Ultimate Disaster Movie and some Chinese drama where Andy Lau and Sammi Cheng's characters are immensely fat) then went upstairs. Tried to go on the computer but it gave trouble again so I went to tell my brother.

My brother is a) a computer genius (this isn't a new discovery - he has been into computer and programming since he was young) b) a very nice brother. Really. A lot of people have trouble with their siblings but from a young age we've been pretty close playmates and friends etc.

I think last Sunday he smsed and bought me a sound thing (even though I didn't display much interest) and when I came home he was fixing my computer. For the whole afternoon. For hours. But the sound still couldn't work and he came downstairs a little downcast. When dad asked, "Did anything eventful happen today?" he said, "Esther's birthday present won't work." I don't think anyone paid him any interest, although we didn't do so on purpose. :(

Then last night he told me (he has been telling me) that I had to reformat my system to get everything working - the sound, the printer and well, everything. The system was overloaded, and I couldn't just delete files off the hard disk because it was the system that was the source of the problems. My computer was originally my dad's computer, so that explains the many files in the computer.

Even though I said there wasn't really anything I wanted to keep he still went through some files, and asked me repeatedly, "Sure? Nothing you want to keep?". Apparently he has a lot of private files hidden in his own computer that are really hard to find. I looked at my computer, realised that I seldom opened those files I saved (files with names like 'Diary', 'DW', 'DWBreakup'), that my layout graphics and poems etc. were all archived (however disorganized) online (although the scraps of images I'd used to make graphics were not) and said, no, nothing was worth keeping. I only saved my Favourites (some private blogs and UCAS/Aus application websites) - I could remember the URL of the private blogs that were not on my website.

And I looked at my computer as I knew it for the last time and in my heart I said goodbye - goodbye to all the memories I'd chosen to leave behind.

Because I couldn't do anything I was sitting on my bed reading Love Hina 11 and he was working away [and I didn't even show any interest. :(]. He even asked me what I wanted to call my hard drive (I said Inspiration, which is the title of my offline diary, incidentally) and my organization (I told him it wasn't important. Haha I said Kougraland 'cos I was playing with my kougra plushie then). I just wanted my computer fixed, and I asked him if it could be up by that night. He said yes, in an hour or so.

So I was reading, then he wanted to read Love Hina 10. We talked a bit about exams 'cos I wanted to watch Home Run the movie on the Monday or so after my Prelims and he said that was 3 days before his Promos. He said he's going to fail his Promos 'cos he can't finish studying. He said he's finished Chem (wow) but he can't finish Bio 'cos he takes 1h per chapter (to study - memorise). He says if he just read through he could do the entire syllabus in a few hours. Wow. I take more than 1 hour to read 1 unit of Geog, and usually I only read about 2 a day 'cos I get bored later.

I told him I think Dad and Mom are starting to get angry with me 'cos I'm not working. They've been seeing me at my computer non-stop, reading comics and watching tv. He didn't say anything. I think he still finds it hard to answer problems. Anyway I went to lie down for a while 'cos I was lazy, then later I was really tired so I told him he didn't have to finish working on my computer last night 'cos I wouldn't be using it that night. >< I think that was very mean of me. I was lying down without my specs on then I asked my brother to tell me what happened in the end in the Andy Lau-Sammi Cheng show ('cos I didn't finish watching - I don't watch tv out of interest, I watch it because I have nothing better to do, I'm bored or I can't be bothered).

Then today I woke up. I thought it was still night, or the wee hours of morning. It had to be night 'cos I could hear activity outside my room. Well, it was morning already, and I had actually fallen asleep like that for the entire night. >< And I went to my computer and found it on. The broadband was working (it had been on for over 7 hours and well this was a different wireless programme so now I can monitor how much time I spend on the computer), Windows XP was installed (I didn't use Windows XP the last time) and everything up. I downloaded ICQ 2003a (I could only use the basic version the last time because the new one would not work) and MSN 6.0. Then I checked my e-mail and...

MY SOUND WORKS.

Sonia sent me this and I watched the show and listened to the song.

My brother was obviously not there. The computer had been fixed, and, well...there was just one trace that he'd been there: a little square slip of paper with his handwriting on, scribbled with computer code I can't understand.

Ah my dear DEAR brother.

Sigh.

Then on my ICQ I saw DW's nick. I think it was because I'd not deleted it off ICQ 2003a - I'd only deleted it off the basic version that I'd been using (ICQ 2003a couldn't even be opened really). So I deleted it, this time without any qualms.

Yep and if you are reading this, I haven't been going to your blog and I won't be going to your blog so you can write anything you like without feeling restricted by the possibility that I will see it. I say this because -I- have felt restricted by the possibility that you will see what's on my blog - sometimes I don't make my blogs so depressive for YOU, sometimes I don't let myself indulge in my writing because of YOU, because I know that by sinking deeper and deeper into my writing I'm in effect swimming further and further from you. And the truth is, I didn't want to go away. I had to call a breakup to myself (I didn't even contact you to AGREE upon a breakup) so that I would forget you. Because you were leaving me hanging. You just LEFT, enveloped yourself in girls, DID NOT CARE about me and didn't even have the decency to take some time off your BUSY SCHEDULE (of family picnics and gatherings with friends, no, not even recess or after school, not even a MINUTE to spare for me) to have a PROPER breakup. Not even when I spend so much time getting those gifts for you (now they feel like a bribe even though they weren't supposed to be). Remember when I showed Aishu she said, "Hope he accepts it." How ironic. I thought you'd at least have the decency to TAKE YOUR GIFTS instead of brushing me off with excusesexcusesandmoreexcuses and then spending time with other people. Apparently I don't mean ANYTHING to you. NOTHING. ZILCH. Remember another friend saying you 'bian4 xin1'. And my Sunday School teacher yesterday was going like, 'So are there more romances in school? When the guys realise they need help in their schoolwork?' and Rachel Chia said her friends' relationships have been put on hold and I nearly wanted to lash out (not at her, but just in general) 'Oh yeah. Relationships have been put on hold all right and romances sure ARE blossoming. I mean like having 1 guy to TEN girls certainly says a LOT doesn't it???'.

And so while you got on with your fantastic life I was left, depressed, SUICIDAL (but no you didn't care, you just kept irresponsibly driving me to God which in effect set up a huge barrier between me and God because how could you like Bingxin be so CRUEL and heartless, emotionless and insensitive - is this Christianity?), angry, bitter, guilty, regretful, isolated, alienated, distanced, lonely and contradicting. Of all people, YOU should know and you did know what would happen. But you didn't care. A life didn't matter - your As did, and you accused and blamed me for so many things and did not see things from my perspective. So I had to work things out, try to stop the retreating into myself, the withdrawal, the ever-spilling tears and at the same time feel conscious because if I tried to move on I'd be moving away from you and I didn't want to move away from you -deep down inside in the midst of all the problems and sadnesses I wasn't really angry with you, in fact I wish I'd done better as a girlfriend, given you more [What was it about me that was so bad? So unacceptable? It could not be my depression - I was more depressed when you first came into my life and even more depressed after you left.], deep down inside I actually clung on to a hope that was growing fainter each day that you would come back. Because I was actually willing, however stupid that sounds, to give you my life, to spend the rest of my life with you, and to give you everything you ever wanted that I could give. Because you meant a lot.

So I had to work everything out with the Prelims coming in, with a whole lot of bad memories of encounters with guys, with the self-reproach etc., with the idea that you were laughing at me, that you were watching/that you wanted my downfall and that I was losing in this power struggle. Revising and doing 20th Century Lit led to a whole lot of things - all the obsession with Plath's death, pain and reality (LOOK AT THE POEMS I'VE BEEN WRITING - a major thing I'm trying to say is TRANSIENCE), Pinter's identity crisis and power play (I knew you were winning this power play, with your silence, whether it was on purpose or not, but then again I didn't WANT TO WIN, I was content to let you win) and Forster's 'all invitations come from heaven' (this was more minor as an influence). The restrictions, the 'voicelessness'. I couldn't say anything, and I felt the whole hostile threatening world was against me. What has my blog become - a tabloid?

I couldn't even talk to my friends because talking about my problems wouldn't get me anywhere, whenever I did something I was always afflicted with a self-reproach - 'See that's why DW never told you anything 'cos he couldn't say, now you know how it feels like to not say anything'.

Plus I had spiritual struggles and I felt so torn. I didn't know how to go about recovering. Yes God was the answer - but how? Was it by reading my Bible and trying to pray (draw nigh to God and He will draw nigh to you)? Yes it helped, but even then I went up and down because I had to sin - being holy seemed so transient, so out of this world. I hurt my genitals on Thursday and Friday. And it was also very painful whenever I kept going up and down and up and down - there was always this self-accusation "make up your mind!" from some nebulous online surfer. What kind of Christian am I when yes, I'm trying v hard to be good but I keep talking about depression? I'm a SHAME to Christ. A huge SHAME.

DO YOU (this refers to a nebulous 'you', any 'you', unknown 'you'...) HONESTLY THINK THIS DEPRESSION IS EASY? DO YOU HONESTLY LOOK AT EVERYTHING AND NOT KNOW THAT THE WORLD IS CRASHING DOWN ON ME??? WHAT DO YOU KNOW? DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYTHING?

What kind of Christian doesn't have any meaning in life? My life has NO meaning and I refuse to admit that it was because of one breakup. I don't know. I think the breakup just triggered a lot of things.

The whole thing about guys. Ok, I know some of them are probably reading this and I have this niggling feeling that some of them will think I'm a petty person (I am, yes, things stay in my mind, they don't ever go away) but this is really the truth. I do not like people intruding so close into my privacy. I do NOT like people revealing my private facts in a game (see who knows more about Esther), I DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE FINDING OUT MY TELEPHONE NUMBER AND CALLING ME (THIS IS A WARNING A FEW PEOPLE HAVE DONE THIS) that is a immense intrusion into my privacy, I do NOT like people calling OTHER PEOPLE UP (worse of all calling people in the CHURCH DIRECTORY and getting me into trouble with the church to talk about YOUR problems with me), I do NOT like people contacting me repeatedly when I ignore them (As yet I know this is a serious problem - I do not know how to not ignore others), I do NOT like it when I FINALLY stop ignoring people and start being nice again and guess what? They tell me that because of ME (I mean, who was the one that liked ME and started this whole thing?) they lost a chance with another GIRL? And best of all, all the guys are Christians, some even relatively active in church- Sunday School teachers, Youth group speakers and those whom I knew online were friends of reliable people - friend of my boyfriend, friend of my PASTOR friend. Yes, exchange e-mails, meet... Then I find out that TWO people I knew online were actually ONE person who probably contacted me through two personas to make sure I was telling the truth (THAT is very despicable, and frankly, I do NOT tell lies much - of course I sin sometimes but lying is not my way of life). And guys forcing things on me, forcing me to meet, forcing me to do intimate things which I don't want to do (my body is not free thank you) and forcing contact with me through underhand means.

Because of YOU IDIOTS I do not view guys in high regard. Because of YOU I think that guys are insensitive, unfeeling, can't be bothered jerks. Because of YOU, I even have trouble trusting Kor (which is very unfair to him) because I'm afraid. Because he's a good friend of my seniors. He's not directly related to me. Because I've only met him once. Because even though we have good conversations online and he's really very nice I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being taken advantage of again. I am afraid of being cheated.

And recently I was kinda unsure of Xin Yi and Rachel Yeo...sigh a few problems I think is psychological. When I'm depressed I can't give any support and well, Xin Yi has her stuff to worry about and I'm blaming her for that -> my fault. It's better now though, 'cos she smsed me last night and I smsed back. Somehow I can't initiate sms. I don't know. Personal problems. Worried about Nat too. People may not be able to deal with my depression for long...then maybe everyone will leavveeee...[I know this is very insulting to all my friends who're trying to be nice, sigh, I know I know, I'm sorry. :(:(:(]

A lifetime full of stories. And it's not the end of my dark and mad life. There's another whole lot of scary things about madness and injuring on paper. And saying all this, I know, will push me even further away from him, a him that probably doesn't even care, and I continue running even though I don't want to run...

Taketheplungetaketheplunge

OK PHYSICAL GEOGRAPHY HERE I COME!!! :D:D:D -> fake smiles, fake enthusiasm, noncommunication, non-understanding, drifting along in a living death.

Maths tomorrow, Physical Geography the next. Physical Geography is divided into Hydrology, Rocks and Landforms, Atmosphere and Tropical Ecosystems (Optional, in a section of its own, hence studying this is compulsory -how ironic). It's like Human Geog - another 4 huge topics. And guess what Hydrology is only 5/11 done. The rest ZILCH. I was intending to give myself the luxury of an entire Maths day with Mei today but...uh...Geog? I don't know. Maybe I'll do a bit of Maths. Meeting Mei at 12 Woodlands MRT to lunch and study. Hope there's space. Think I'll eat chocolates or something to stop the hunger then go study Hydro. Maybe I'll do what I did for Human -2 compulsory topics, 1 optional, drop 1 compulsory topic -> even this is hardly possible. Don't know. Will try. Trying is good.