Monday, September 9, 2002 05:56 a.m.

Take a look at this link given to me from Mei.

Monday, September 9, 2002 05:32 a.m.

I hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it!!!!! -screams-

Stop hurting me! You hurt me without knowing that you hurt me and then you sit back and act pissed! (No De Wen, I'm not talking about you) And then what do you expect me to do? And you don't talk to me for the rest of the meal and stare at me like I'm some filth and make stupid remarks like 'How do you know?' and label me as being freaky! Stop calling me a freak! I repeat STOP CALLING ME A FREAK! And the worse thing is I'm SUPPOSED to love you and now I hate you so much I hate you I hate you I hate you!

The main course is SUPPOSED to be in the centre of the table. And if you all fucking waiters and waitresses just dump my food there, you're going to get it big time from me! I don't care! You serve the food with a smile, get it? What's the service industry coming up too? Look at me! I was selling stuff yesterday. You think I wasn't tired? I wasn't sick? Did I stop smiling? Even when everyone refused to buy even though we had so much to sell? We couldn't force you to buy could we? So we just kept going and maintained our smiles. How do you think I felt? And you! You weren't even in the rain you weren't even sweaty you're in an air-conditioned parlour and you don't bother to provide good service?! What am I paying you for?

I vow I VOW I HEREBY VOW that when I grow up and have my own house I don't care about my husband I don't care THE MAIN COURSE HAS TO BE IN THE CENTRE OF THE TABLE. That is absolutely important!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM NOT A FREAK! Get it? I'm NOT!

I hate it when those chain e-mails come in and curse those people who don't pass it on. They say 'if you don't pass this on you really don't have a heart'. Well who are you to say? I don't care if you're talking about leukaemia or cancer or what I DON'T CARE if you can't afford to be polite then FORGET IT!!! I won't pass on any of your stupid mail!!!

Yes I'm hysterical I'm so angry I'm going crazy -feels like jumping up and down and banging her head against the wall and screaming to everyone in the neighbourhood- LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

And my chest doesn't feel any better except now I'm coughing and my throat isn't too good. And I wonder why I care. Why do I care so much that people call me a freak or they call someone they don't know a person with no heart or if they provide bad service? Maybe it's just a distraction. Maybe it's just a distraction from the larger issue at hand. I want to scream my lungs out about all these trivial issues and make myself look completely bananas.

And I swear I SWEAR the next person who calls me a freak will get it from me. I SWEAR THAT. DON'T EVER EVER EVER call me a freak. Don't you DARE say that. Don't you DARE even joke about it. Don't don't don't DON'T.

Sunday, September 8, 2002 02:52 p.m.

Somehow I just had to go online the moment I came home to vent, despite the headache, tiredness, and the fact that if I spend this time blogging instead I won't get to practise my violin, which doesn't matter because I would probably sleep anyway.

Why am I saying/doing this?

I can't say it's council/not council, MAF/not MAF, friends/not friends, De Wen/not De Wen, school/not school, family/not family, illness/not illness because it's anything and everything. It's a whole ball of sadness.

I'm hurting. Badly.

This morning I saw again my best physical feature (in my opinion) - my arms - and they looked so smooth I just felt like taking a penknife and madly slashing. (But why are you not slashing yourself then?)

But no, no one's ever going to know that I'm hurting. Because I won't say. Because I won't open up. Because I will put on a smile and an enthusiasm which won't be fake. It's natural. It's just the other side of me, the happy, enthusiastic, sweet and cute Esther trying to cover up the hurting, depressed, scared Esther. And I won't go for counselling. And I tell myself I won't cry. I won't cry I won't cry I won't cry. I will be strong.

I've been doing this so far.

And when the faint brush of tears comes up I force it down again and gently wipe my own tears. No. No Esther. You are not going to let your friends comfort you. (Why not?)

I wonder why.

And I wonder why during all this deliberation I somehow managed to confess to my Sunday School teacher in private, "I'm sad". But that was all I said anyway.

(Are you hurting?) Yes, I'm sad. But this time I'll cry alone.

Sunday, September 8, 2002 02:32 p.m.

Just something light actually in a vague aimless selfish attempt to cheer myself up. Taken from Bingz blog - checked out De Wen's and my whatever status. Both results are disturbingly true.

D: Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.

E: Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.

Saturday, September 7, 2002 09:33 a.m.

Why am I not committing suicide?

Because of the people who love me. I can't do this to my parents even though I shout at them all the time (I shouted at them yesterday too) and don't confide in them about anything.

Why am I crying?

Leave me alone.

Why am I online when I should be preparing for MAF in school?

Because in the light of my illness my mom says I should go to school later so I won't get worse as opposed to if I work from 8am to 12am. She wanted me to go at 4pm (MAF starts at 6pm) but I was so appalled she said 3pm.

Maybe I should take a bath even though it's unearthly. Or I should watch the Lilo and Stitch dance (just that 10 minutes part of it) to make myself laugh? When was the last time I really laughed?

Strangely my stomach is better (all my soup went down) and my nose is better now after a whole night and morning of sniffing. Maybe I am getting better. But what is left behind is a strange lack of will, like there's a sinking sadness in my heart.

Take me to the ocean.

Saturday, September 7, 2002 09:13 a.m.

I managed to get the porridge down together with the pill for giddiness and nausea. Then I sent over 30 smses to my council mates mostly passing on important information about tomorrow, telling them about my situation, asking for their understanding and encouraging them. I was grateful for the nice notes sent by Nat, Aishu, Ailin and Vic.

Thought I'd be nice and give my dearest a little good night call before I went to bed at about 8 (even though I was mainly lying in the dark because there were a few smses coming in which I had to answer and pass on etc. and I couldn't really sleep anyway) but somehow (I don't know how) I started crying at the start.

I feel strangely alone. I know there are friends who care and MAF will be good tonight, especially for the councillors who have put in so much effort into it together, but I can't help feeling disturbed.

People around me seem to be talking of mugging, and homework, but for me it's been no such sense of urgency, and I feel strangely left out. Recently they've been quite a few e-mails from AAA guild council, and heartening as it has been to hear from my ex-council mates, it's sad when I remember my life in council, and how I had to step down from my position, and how now I'm not even in NeoPets.

Memories come and linger.

I feel so down, and my low self-esteem is creeping up again. Am I accepted in the places I'm in? In church? In council? In school? In my anorexic club? On one hand, it seems as if it is, but on the other hand people may only be trying to be surfacely civil, and it hurts.

It hurts that not everyone is like me.

And you don't understand. You don't you don't you don't why don't you?

Confusion.

I feel like going into Suntec City, back to Marche, the dim lights, the mushroom soup, the lemonade, maybe try the crepes Ailin recommended, and just sit by the fountain and watch the water splash. I wish I were at the seaside where I could be alone for a while.

The worse thing is I can't even go to church tomorrow because we have to come back and clear up after MAF. As backslided as I am, church is still important to me, especially in terms of the fellowship I get there.

My head is hotter than I'd like it to be.

Saturday, September 7, 2002 08:54 a.m.

Sigh dear...there's so much you don't know. You don't know when your words hurt me so much and when they cut so bad and you don't know when you make me cry.

I cried today.

My stomach kept churning and churning but I told myself I had to eat breakfast. Besides Mei was hungry. So we ate. But I could only eat slowly (I've been taking hours to eat lately and not even finishing my meal) and not finish my meal because I couldn't get everything down and as we walked down Orchard Road I had to find support to sit here and there because I wasn't feeling well and my stomach was hurting.

I haven't eaten my lunch. If water can't even go down properly what's the chance that food will? And I'm not hungry but I'm thirsty and yet I feel like puking all the time. It's scary and I fear that I'm not just this sick but very sick. I fear that I will get cancer or something and die.

It hurts so much. I really want to go for MAF. But I don't know if I'm up to a 8am to 12am schedule again when I'm already begging to be brought home today. I don't even want to stay online for too long because I need my bed.

I looked really awful today. Hair in all the wrong places, sweaty and dry. My eyes were watery. I looked like I was crying when I was dealing with my nose which was perpetually red because it kept giving me problems and then I remembered my teacher who had the same problem with her nose and had to go for operation or something.

I've told my maid to make a special portion of porridge for tonight's dinner. I can't eat anymore. It seems so weird that so often I'm suicidal and now I'm fighting to live or that I don't want to eat and know I want to eat so bad but can't. Or maybe I still don't want to because I don't want to puke again. I don't want to spend 5 hours just trying to make food stay down in my stomach like I did today.

I decided that I will brave out MAF and Sunday. If things still go wrong I will go see a doctor again on Monday. But then I feared my parents wouldn't understand me missing school again.

(I was frowning. Stop frowning Esther.)

I haven't been so ill before methinks but people have been nice about it. Thanks a lot for your support. Actually I came online just to give a last appeal for prayer. It's very needed. I need to pull out of my dejection and despair because of this illness and I need to get better.

Friday, September 6, 2002 04:36 p.m.

YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!

Yes! I'm back!

My eyes feel a bit weird sometimes, my head is a little woozy now, and my nose is still not cleared...

BUT... whatever little food I ate at dinner went down, my stomach feels ok, my hands have regained their strength (can bathe and scrub myself normally now) and my nose is not as stuffy and germy as it was a couple of hours ago.

THANK GOD!!!

Esther has learnt a lot from her illness, and has sobered up in a lot of areas, as well as gone hysterical from being couped up in bed in her little bedroom for too long!

Tomorrow I'll be conducting an interview with the doctor at SGH. All the questions suddenly came to my mind, with a little help from Vic, and I'm raring to go! It should be fun.

As I was bathing, I couldn't help keep a smile from my face as I thought of MAF, the beautiful time I'd be having there, with council and with school...and I felt like jumping all around and doing crazy mass dances!!!

Yes!!! Esther is up and on the road to recovery...FINALLY! And she will enjoy her outing with Mei tomorrow morning, interview in the afternoon, do some council work in the afternoon before taking an early nap. Then it'll be MAF MAF MAF!!! Who is coming for MAF????

Everything's looking better. I'm just thankful that God sustained me, and that there are friends to care. Thank you dearest for your calls and/or smses every few hours, the comforting and encouraging words when I was down and dejected. Thank you Chooi Mei, Bingz and Christine for your care and concern, and the wonderful conversations which have cheered me up and kept me going. Thanks Jillz, for that little thing you said in your mail today. You said 'I love Esther' and that touched me A LOT. Thanks to other people who are here and care...to jie, all other people, to Cassie (even though she doesn't read my blog). Thanks to Yexiang (who also doesn't read my blog) for taking over all my secretarial/treasurer roles during my absence from council, heard he went a little crazy, and thanks to him and Aishu for cheering me up with their messages, and for informing me about what is going on.

Yes, I'm at TEAHOUSE! I love teahouse! So if you're going for MAF, don't hesitate to check out the council teahouse ok and buy all the stuff there!

WHEE~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday, September 5, 2002 09:09 p.m.

© What's your Inner Goddess Color?? © Jen

YAY! Blue!

Thursday, September 5, 2002 06:20 p.m.

My nose is suffering badly and my ears are blocked.

Think I'll go for breakfast now.

But I did have a great time surfing National Geographic to refresh my Geography.

Yesterday I was quite put down because I couldn't do a lot of Geography questions my dad posed to me. I'm supposed to be geographygirl!

See ya.

Thursday, September 5, 2002 09:07 a.m.

Have you watched Signs? The part where the little boy was in a fit trying to breathe to get himself off the asthma? That's how I felt yesterday night.

Yesterday afternoon, thank God my maid cooked porridge for me. I only managed to finish less than 1/3 of the porridge though. Didn't have much appetite. Which was a good thing, because after eating the medicine and going to lie down on my bed, I threw up, and the force of that propelled me to sit up and splash everything on the floor. The more times I vomit, the more vomit comes out, and this time was bad, especially with porridge and all splashing on the nice wood floor, on my lovely blue bag and my library book, which my maid washed and left to dry in my toilet, and which I don't think I'll ever read again. It was a lovely story too, and I was sorry not to be finishing it. I am now in a bit of a dilemma whether to just try my best to restore my book to its original condition and return it, or to buy it from the library and dump the book away.

Dinner was horrible. I only ate half of the food, even though I finished all my rice. My mother wanted to give me more food but I refused stoicly. After the same routine of dinner, pills and water, I was left in bed again struggling not to vomit everything out. Thank God my parents were out, and since my brother was working on my computer, I went to my parents room where there was a big bed, and where my brother got me comfortable in the dark with just a sliver of light peering from a crack in the not fully shut door, and started struggling for my life. It was uncomfortable, and I don't know how long I lay there, but eventually I survived, and managed to get the food to stay down hours later.

De Wen called me late last night and I had quite a good time talking to him even though I was really tired and had a lot of work I hadn't done online. There was surprisingly more mail than usual in my inbox, probably because I hadn't been checking it, and there were old acquaintances wanting to renew relationships. 'Tis good really. I do want to get to know more people from around the world and develop true friendships, such as that I have with Chrissie and Jillz, but a lot of the initiative has to be taken from their side, because I don't know where to start, and I'm pretty much too busy to start.

It's strange when I read others' blogs and see people talk about little times they spend doing work and all, and when I hear Xin Yi complain because she has to go back to school for a 3 hour thing, and when people complain that their holidays are not long enough, and then I look at myself and I think of how much more time I spend doing things and how much more busy I am, but yet such feelings are only passing, because I realise how I love what I do, that if I weren't sick I'd be having a great time in council, and how much I wish that I were there. Shi Ning was getting a little pissed off with me, and I find myself being misunderstood in council somewhat. I don't like it when it comes to evaluation, and people start blaming other people for doing things like not taking initiative and all, and yet they decline to reveal names. I know from something that happened recently that people don't view me as a slacker, which is good, because I am not. I work really hard, but it just happens that I do a lot of different things, i.e. when most of the council is doing lighting, I'm helping with teahouse etc.

At the end of it all, when it comes to MAF, I know I can see the fruit of my labours, so I'm ok with myself. I don't really care what others think. I'm glad that I have my own group of friends, and council has exposed me to a lot more people. There's this bond there with all councillors, so much so that even if we never really become good friends we will always be more than acquaintances. I think a lot of my fear may have to do with my own paranoia, my belief that I'm not doing enough and that others are doing more, resulting from my low self-esteem and my elevating others. Perhaps that's why I like to put the people who are closest to me down, e.g. De Wen and Chooi Mei, albeit in a joking manner. Perhaps I need to feel that I'm worth something.

But sometimes...just sometimes...I sit and think of De Wen and I think of the same old question, "Why does he love me so much?" and I can see all the good things in me that are worth loving and yet I wonder if he can. What makes me think that others cannot love me for who I am, that only I am capable of loving?

Thursday, September 5, 2002 08:05 a.m.

I wonder if I'm sick so many times (I've skipped one work session, and I skip one school day every week) if people will stop believing me when I really am sick and not that I'm just trying to take a break because of depression. -thinks of the boy who cried wolf- Tata.

Wednesday, September 4, 2002 11:33 a.m.

We've worked so hard for months. It's only a few days more of work and the little things we do that will guarantee the success of MAF on Saturday.

The council was good to give us two breaks. Amidst the busy schedule of preparations for MAF, they gave us breaks on Tuesday and Friday to rest for the full-dress rehearsal on Wednesday (8am-11pm not counting travelling time), work session on Thursday, and MAF itself on Saturday (8am-11pm not counting travelling time).

I was initially worried that I would be doing something stupid by going out on Tuesday (because I didn't have the time otherwise, I decided to go out with De Wen from 10.30a.m. to 12p.m., go for Maths lesson from 12p.m. to 2p.m. and go out with Xin Yi from 2p.m. onwards) but it turned out that I didn't get much of a chance.

I've been sick for about 5 days now, just the minor flu with headache and runny nose, but yesterday was worse than what I've had in a long time. I started the day not feeling well. I went to school early to do some work but gave up and slept for a while before meeting De Wen at Coffee Bean (his choice, and I thank him for being considerate). It turned out that I didn't see him at all (he thought I was trying to spite him when I blatantly walked past him but I didn't see him at all and got a big fright when he approached me suddenly). I also met Xin Yi by chance at Coffee Bean and got to meet her friend, Hui Li. :) I was being a little bit of a brat, complaining to De Wen as we walked back to school, and he kindly stayed with me while I slept just before Maths lesson, and endured me looking really haggard with my hair in all the wrong places and my face downcast.

Maths was horrible. I couldn't wait for the lesson to end. My head was hurting, I was feverish, and my blood was hurting me. It was strange, the way my blood seemed to push against my skin all over my body, causing pain. I was worried, especially because my hands were also getting semi-numb. My back was hurting. Thank God Mr. Yeow decided to not go through the last question. I really wasn't in the mood for a tutorial.

I thought I'd feel better after the lesson. I did feel a little better what with seeing Xin Yi and all. I decided to take a bus to NJ instead of walk because I wasn't feeling well and I met Xin Yi there.

We took a 154 straight to Jurong Point. We were considering cancelling the whole outing and going straight home but Xin Yi said since we were on the way we should go straight to Jurong Point and see how things go. I was afraid I wouldn't survive the trip.

I slept on the bus. When I woke up, I vomited all over the floor of the bus. Thank God I didn't have any appetite in the morning so at Coffee Bean I'd only drunk some coffee. In that cramped space it was really uncomfortable, and I pitied Xin Yi having to see vomit flowing all over the floor, but she was nice about it, and helped me with tissue and water.

We neared Jurong Point and I looked out of the window instead of at her while she was talking (thank God she understood and even encouraged me to look out because I wouldn't be able to stand looking in the bus). I was a bad companion because I couldn't talk much and I didn't have the ability to appreciate what she was saying too.

While walking into Jurong Point, I had to hold my breath somewhat because I couldn't look at or smell food. Thank God the oily food store was closed. We decided to cancel the movie and just eat at Coffee Bean. Xin Yi said a Vanilla would do me good but I told her I really couldn't have anything because I would throw everything up. Thank God she understood. She got warm water for me and I drank it up. She had an Ultimate Ice-Blended and a salad, which unfortunately I couldn't look at because I would throw up. It was bad hearing her eat, because I would imagine the food and think of throwing up but thank God I didn't. I felt so sorry for her because I couldn't look at her (I was turning away and sleeping) and she was rushing her food so I could go see the doctor. My mother had sent me an sms telling me to enjoy myself etc. and I told her and De Wen of my condition so my mother asked me to go see a doctor. I didn't want to at first...I was too sick to do anything besides go home and sleep but Xin Yi encouraged me to see the doctor. Thank God I did because the medicine has been a great relief.

I tried to endure everything but eventually I couldn't and vomited again, all over the floor of Coffee Bean. I was glad it was only the warm water I drank, because this time it was worse. I just vomited and vomited and vomited...all the water. The two ladies sitting at the table near me were stunned but they were nice about it. They told Xin Yi to take care of me, and gave me encouraging smiles before they left. I was making a scene at Coffee Bean and people were staring at me.

It was great having Xin Yi there because she got someone to come clear up, was trying to lighten the situation up by joking with me, and even brought me to the doctor's. Thank God the two ladies and Xin Yi had already finished their meal before I vomited.

Thank God I was quickly admitted to the doctor's. Thank God Jurong Point has a medical clinic which was easy to find, and I got into the doctor's office pretty quickly without much waiting. I leaned against the wall while waiting for the doctor to rest (thank God there was a wall). The doctor said I had a flu (thank God...I thought I had something much more serious) and prescribed a whole lot of medicine. The whole thing cost and Xin Yi and I couldn't help thinking of price discrimination. Now I can't remember if it's 2nd degree or 3rd degree price discrimination. I think it's 3rd degree.

Thank God that I decided to bring for no particular reason today so I had just enough to pay. I talked to De Wen for a while and complained to him. Thank God he was encouraging. My back hurt a lot.

Xin Yi took the bus home with me. I was sorry for being so distant. I really couldn't help it. Later, she sent me an sms saying she was really sorry to see me so sick and for dragging me to JP, and sorry that she didn't bring my coat again (because I was cold) which made me feel sad that I'd spoilt her day. I really appreciated the care she took of me. Thank God for her.

I managed to make it home even though it was with much difficulty. I just threw open the lock at my gate, and shouted weakly for my maid even though I had a key. Thank God she came and unlocked the door and closed all the doors for me. I went to take a hot bath (I had really no energy left so I just sat on the floor and let the hot water fall for a long time). Finally I finished and collapsed in bed at about 5 where I slept all the way until this morning.

I was really thankful for a lot of things, for De Wen, for Xin Yi and for my mother. My mother came to check on me numerous times, before waking me up at 10p.m. because she said I had a fever, and bringing medicine to me. Thank God for all the good circumstances I mentioned earlier, for the fact that there were people to take care of me, because I managed to survive without food for one day, because I managed to eat all the medicine without puking, because I managed to have a long while in bed.

Actually I didn't feel well but I decided to come online anyway because I didn't want to be bedridden, but I'm not feeling well so I'm going back to bed now. I'm really sorry for all the throwing of temper here, the calling of hiatus and all, and I'm really thankful that you are all still here and encouraging me. Thank God for you. Another thing this sickness showed me, besides all the love and God's presence, was how bad my anorexia could get, the way my stomach could just not take any food and throw up. It was scary.

Thank God I managed to eat breakfast this morning. I didn't want to, but I forced myself to eat. I hope the people at council understand that I'm going to miss two work sessions (I really don't want to) and I'm only going to be there for MAF. In fact, I really HOPE I will be there for MAF.

There's a lot I haven't done at council. I worked really hard the day before, but I'm going to miss two sessions of MC/DJ auditions for Open House, and two work sessions, which is highly devastating. SIGH. And I didn't pass on two messages. What is the use of a secretary otherwise?

Yexiang and Sean just called. I didn't sound like I was sick. They were nice about it, and it was good to hear from them but still...

ARGH. Stop crying, Esther. I haven't read a lot of your blogs yet. Will try later.

Going to sleep again.

Wednesday, September 4, 2002 10:52 a.m.

Blogs all done. Undergraduate Forum done. Bag packed. Receipts found (except one). Go me.

lucius, your story was fantastic! I was reliving MIB2 like the others and totally captivated by your command of language. I read all your reviews too but couldn't find any link to actually post a review.

Grace, your pic is cool. Love the bright crayon colours.

I wish I would stop getting sick. A hurting head, flooding nose and dry lips aren't exactly good for the soul but I promise I will not skip school or council if I can help it. I will sleep half an hour, find the last receipt, learn up the school songs and go for my salad lunch. Without chicken this time. Where can I find packed chicken salad?

Monday, September 2, 2002 10:24 a.m.

Esther,
Did you like Spirit? (Did you watch it yet?) I am a HUGE fan of cartoons. A Walk to Remember had its moments - but it seemed too "Dawson's Creek" for my taste. I guess its a lot better than most of the "teen movies" out there. Yes, my husband knows about my eating disorder. He likes my weight the way I am, and loves me...whatever my shape. My doctor, however, may have helped stop the anorexia, but he (not husband but doctor) wants me to lose 20 pounds. :( ! This is really difficult, and essentially why I am struggling so much with bulimia. I can't bring myself to tell my Doctor the complete truth...I don't konw why, I guess I am afraid of being locked up somewhere. Sounds to me like your boyfriend may need to learn and accept that as a woman, you will always have different portion needs than him. UNless you are pregnant, you shouldn't be eating as much/same kinds of food as him. I hope you are still getting protein and vitamins, even though you like light foods. Chicken salads are the best, so are protien bars.

Peace sister,
Cassie

Cassie,

Yes, "Spirit" was great. :) Although it didn't have much dialogue it was short and light-hearted, and funny. I love the eagle and horse imagery: I love the emphasis on speed. Do you watch anime then? I haven't watch "Dawson's Creek" before...don't really know what it's about. Well yes, at least "A Walk to Remember" was a little more serious than the usual teen flicks. My boyfriend loves me for who I am too, and I'm thankful for that. I don't understand why your doctor would want you to lose weight when you've stopped being anorexic, and I don't understand the link between that and bulimia...can you explain that a bit? I've never been to a doctor about my problem...perhaps you could tell me of your experience? How are you coping with your bulimia without getting the full treatment from your doctor (because you don't tell him the complete truth)? Thanks for the tip on the food...I think I could try eating more protein-rich foods.

Loving you,
Esther

Monday, September 2, 2002 10:11 a.m.

Funny how I've been a student and a councillor for so long but I don't really make it a habit to visit the college and council websites. The council website was done without a single ounce of my help because I couldn't really help with my lack of technical expertise and because of my busy schedule (yes until this day people cannot believe my busy schedule). Anyway the links are up. Please view them if you like. For those of you not in HC, perhaps the Teachers' Day website may give you an idea of what happened in HC on Teachers' Day, because I'm not going to blog about it (yes, hiatus in my definition means talking about everything on the surface level and not blogging long blogs about my daily life, which perhaps is what most people call blogging anyway).

Yes, it hurts a lot. More than anyone will ever realise. I do appreciate everyone asking how I am, really it means so much. And it means so much the little things you do, the 'I'm yours and I love you' kind of messages from De Wen, the 'I'm inspired by Esther' lines from Bingz, yes, it may just be one perhaps meaningless-to-the-originator line, but it means so much, because it reminds me that I make a difference. Boy don't I know I make a difference? Teachers in primary and secondary schools miss me, and when I get sick (I've been sick for two days now) and return to school and friends care so much it makes a lot of difference. But there's my low self esteem resulting in confusion resulting in depression resulting in anorexia resulting in withdrawing resulting in swearing and bitching and being mean to the people whom I love the most i.e. family and De Wen resulting in anger at myself and low self esteem resulting in confusion...and the cycle repeats over and over, killing a part of me until I am finally no more.

The happiness will stay in council, or when I'm online and I talk to Bingz and Mei and Bingz and hope endlessly for De Wen to come online and talk to me but somehow after all the laughter and the enthusiasm and after feeling good about myself because I've put in my best to work hard during council, to make others happy, and to be enthusiastic about everything, to the point of tiring myself out entirely, I go home and then I find my grandmother either standing at the gate like a zombie blocking my entry or appearing at different places, still and silent and staring, or talking to herself, and I have to call the house to send my maid to move her away so that I can enter and then my maid and I get into huge quarrels because I'm mean and shout at her or ignore her when she's trying to tell me something because her voice is highly irritating and she talks about things I don't want to talk about, and people keep disturbing me when I'm closed up in my own little room, and I shout at my parents, I shout at my maid, and I refuse to talk to De Wen, and I ignore him entirely on the phone (then what's the point of letting him call me?) and lie to him so he won't worry, and then feel guilty and upset and hate myself for hurting him and for taking out my anger on him for things that aren't his fault and refusing to let him enter my world, just like I refuse to let anyone else in, and the worse thing is he remains so nice and sends me nice messages which I don't respond to, and you bet it hurts when I go into low self esteem again and I look at myself and think how fake I am, and how 'extra' I am, and how prissy and prim and proper I am, and how unloving I am, and I wonder why De Wen loves me so much, and then I see how bad I am to Wen Jie because I can't take her jokes and insults even though I do try to be nice to her because she actually is a nice person, and then I see myself insulting De Wen so much, and then I think of myself as insecure because I have to resort to putting people down, and then I stare at myself in the mirror every day looking at my pimples, and I starve myself, refusing to eat, and I refuse to drink anything other than coffee and water (I refused to drink the packet drinks today) and then Yexiang is getting impatient and irritated with me because my deadlines are way overdue and I don't know what to do about the Undergraduate Forum article which I've to rush by tomorrow, and I have to draft the thing for the doctor, and then I've got to do the Programme which I only have to rush out by Friday but Weisi has already done her share the night she got the CCA forms, and then I think I must stop comparing because she's her and I'm me but why can't I be better, and look at Nat, she's so caring, why can't I be as well, I try to be nice, really I do, and I know I do, so what's the problem with me, and does anyone realise I'm going hysterical, but like I care, and the tears just won't come out, they well up once and go back and flood my soul again, and then I actually wanted to say four letter words in Sunday School today or swear online then I remember my promise not to, and...

ARGH.

I can't even keep a diary because I don't like my handwriting. I am NOT going to blog. Isn't this already a blog? What's the problem with me? Someone slap me. Just come to school, give me a big slap on the face, and send me home. Where are you? What do I expect from you? Why don't I ever do something good for once? Why do I refuse to reply to your sms? Why do I make you think that I hate you when I love you so much? You don't deserve me. You don't you don't you don't. And Mr Yeow is trying to be nice although I am being difficult, yes I am being difficult.

I think I will sleep awhile and then pack my things and do that Undergraduate article and draft a letter to the doctor and ask Yexiang if I need to get the letter done. Thank God council for me is at 1p.m. tomorrow because it'll end late, and I remember my salad that's all I'll be eating tomorrow I don't care I will only eat salad and oh no I have to collect those CMS surveys and .80 from each com member and pass the receipts to Aishu but where are the receipts why on earth am I treasurer when I'm so disorganized and yet I am determined to prove those that do not believe in me that I can do it but can I do it yes I can I know I am sounding a bit stupid now don't know don't care that's what Ms. Lim says and ow my leg is hurting so bad like I need anything else to hurt today my nose was sniffling like mad and I was so tired so tired. ARGH I remember today I was thinking about blood and I was thinking of where I could cut myself I was thinking of my beautiful flawless arms to make a nice pattern maybe write my name ESTHER with a knife in big bold letters or if that was too obvious maybe the back of my leg which coincidentally happens to be flawless too boy do I have good skin or what was thinking of flailing madly and thrashing wildly at myself the pain would be enjoyable I know I've felt it vaguely before then why am I so scared of injections?

I think I think I think people might be/are starting to be scared of. Sigh Shi Ning and Weisi are so nice and Nat is so nice and so is Aishu and council is a place where I actually feel happy in and my classmates make me smile now so what is the problem? The problem is ME. It's me and was me all along. Where are you De Wen????????????? Talking nonsense now. ARGH and I imagine all of De Wen's friends calling to him to stay away from me wow my friends are really selfless and I'm not being sarcastic I mean they actually show they care and I appreciate it can you get this drunk without liquor or perhaps my bottle of water was drugged while I didn't know it I've been drinking water so much how am I going to eat dinner tomorrow I think I'll be hungry with only salad no I won't eat fast food I won't I won't I won't and I imagine myself fainting in the central plaza during morning assembly and my breathing stops and my heart stops and they do CPR on me and bring me to hospital strangely the story never has an ending.

Monday, September 2, 2002 12:31 a.m.

Friday Five

The Friday Five August 30, 2002

1. What's your favorite piece of clothing that you currently own?
It's got to be my jeans. I love jeans and hate skirts.

2. What piece of clothing do you most want to acquire?
I've been looking at spaghetti-strapped shirts recently, and there are quite a few interesting ones at Baleno () I think.

3. What piece of clothing can you not bring yourself to get rid of? Why?
Everything? Actually I don't really like throwing things away, so although there are clothes that I don't wear, I leave them in my closet.

4. What piece of clothing do you look your best in?
I usually put on something sporty i.e. baggy shirt, jeans and sneakers, but I think I look best in a mix of feminity and sportiness. I thought I looked great today in a nice somewhat body-hugging light purple (not blue for once) sleeveless top and my usual blue jeans to match, with my favourite white and blue sneakers.

5. What has been your biggest fashion accident?
I don't really make major fashion boo-boos because I don't have any extremes in dressing and if I'm unsure of how good I look I ask for advice.

The Friday Five August 23, 2002

1. What is your current occupation? Is this what you chose to be doing at this point in your life? Why or why not?
My current occupations are student and councillor. Yes I chose to be doing this, and I enjoy both jobs tremendously. I love the challenge and experience of learning new things, forming friendships and being true to myself.

2. If time/talent/money were no object, what would your dream occupation be?
I don't really particularly see the point in this question because time, talent and/or money will definitely figure into occupational decisions, but I must admit sometimes I do envision myself as a singer. Currently I'm happy being a teacher, because this job embodies all I need and want for a job: an opportunity for interpersonal relationships and research, plus it's relatively stable and respectable.

3. What did/do your parents do for a living? Has this had any influence on your career choices?
My father is a lecturer in Civil Engineering at NUS, but he works on other transport projects as well. He also does some ministry work at various churches. My mother started out as a teacher. Now she's gone from vice-principal to studying in NIE to upgrade herself to possibly be a principal. I guess the fact that my parents have always been in the education sector does play a part in influencing my career choices. I used to want to follow in my father's footsteps, contented to just be his daughter, but I think with time I've grown to have my own interests i.e. in English and Geography, although my roots have always been stuck in teaching.

4. Have you ever had to choose between having a career and having a family?
I've had to choose between council and family and I chose council. Part of the reason I joined council was selfish: to get away from home.

5. In your opinion, what is the easiest job in the world? What is the hardest? Why?
I've known from council not to judge how easy or difficult jobs are but I believe that the easiest jobs are actually the manual ones, because although mentally or physically-challenging jobs have their own different elements of tiredness and stress, I feel it's easier to engage in physical tasks than it is to engage in mental tasks. I feel the body can be pushed much more than the mind. There is no one easiest or hardest job. I think as long as there is enthusiasm and the right attitude, the hardest job can become easy.

Sunday, September 1, 2002 09:35 p.m.

Hey - I am all for that...pro-ana is dangerous crap and I joined this group because I desparately need support in recovery. Anyone else like movies? - anyone see anything good lately? My husband and I just saw Spiderman last night - big thumbs up to that. And Minority Report was also a great catch. I was grossly disappointed when I rented A Walk to Remember...it was so strongly reccomended, (blech) So, my husband really likes my tummy, and my busty bosom, but I am battling recovery from anorexia and a 4 month slip into bulimia. I am still a "normal weight," and haven't done anything super-unhealthy for 2 weeks now. I guess where I am is learning to like myself as a normal-sized woman...and learning to forgive the daily mistakes I make. I just found a book called "the weigh down diet" - it talks about using food as nutrition instead of indulgence and asking God for help in learning our personal needs for nourishment -- I really like it so far. Anybody out there that want's to talk?
Cassie

Hi, yes, I'm supporting you too. :) I don't get to watch too much tv or movies because I'm really busy with school but I did manage to catch Spirit - Stallion of the Cimarron yesterday night. I wanted to watch it but by the time my exams were over it was out of the movies. Thank God my parents managed to get the VCD. Spiderman isn't in theatres here now, I believe. :( I heard conflicting reports on Minority Report - The newspapers said it was cool and so did one friend but another said it was overhyped. Oh well, I guess we can't please everyone. :) I did like A Walk To Remember though, especially the songs (I particularly liked 'Only Hope'). Do you talk to your husband about your eating problems? My family doesn't know much about it, but some of my friends have vague ideas. I just found out today that some people in my Sunday School class thought anorexia was a condition where people believed they were fat and wanted to slim down. Whatever anorexia I've experienced isn't exactly extreme i.e. 100% deprivation of food, but I do have the mindset and symptoms of an anorexic most of the time. Lately, I've been experiencing a lot of stress. I don't mind eating light and healthy foods but I'm not eating enough (my teacher's encouraging me to eat) and I feel bloated and angry with my boyfriend when I go out to eat with him and eat the food he prefers because he although he doesn't mean to he doesn't really understand my need for light foods (he says they aren't filling enough). People have been telling me that salads aren't considered full meals - do you think so? The book you've mentioned sounds interesting, perhaps I could borrow it from a library soon even though I've got a really long personal reading list LOL. I'm still learning to love myself and others. Recently I tried to escape from the world and most of my friends. I'm still distant, but hoping things will be better. Take care, and God bless.
Esther

Sunday, September 1, 2002 07:41 p.m.