August 29, 2003

1. Are you going to school this year?
Yes.

2. If yes, where are you going (high school, college, etc.)? If no, when did you graduate?
Hwa Chong Junior College (Year 2).

3. What are/were your favorite school subjects?
English Literature.

4. What are/were your least favorite school subjects?
Maths.

5. Have you ever had a favorite teacher? Why was he/she a favorite?
I used to like my Sec. 3 Geography teacher 'cos she was friendly and approachable, and a Christian.

August 8, 2003

1. What's the last place you traveled to, outside your own home state/country?
I went to Hong Kong last December and I want to go there again!

2. What's the most bizarre/unusual thing that's ever happened to you while traveling?
I was in Australia. I can't remember what went wrong but something was wrong and when I went to bed I cried. I didn't want anyone to see me crying but my dad called me up later and I had to get out of bed even though I was still crying. When he asked me why I was crying and I told him what was wrong he scolded me. :(

3. If you could take off to anywhere, money and time being no object, where would you go?
The UK. I really really really want very much to go to the UK.

4. Do you prefer traveling by plane, train or car?
Train. It's public yet I can plug in to my own music. I don't like travelling by plane or car because I get travel sick. Somehow it's more claustrophobic there. I desire open spaces.

5. What's the next place on your list to visit?
Hong Kong.

Thoughts
(After breakup)

When you changed,
altered your mannerisms,
cut and gelled up your hair
and enveloped yourself
among the girls
(one boy talking and
laughing ever so
loudly in the midst of
ten girls),
a part of me
died along
with the part you had
pushed aside.

It was easy escapism, wasn't it?
To fly from the source of pain
and immerse yourself
in pleasure,
leaving the questions unanswered,
hanging
like a death penalty,
throwing away the past
(and me)
into a dusty heap
to be trampled
by everything you couldn't handle.
Babies must grow up, and you
left me in the cold,
wrapped with distant murmurings of
blessing, talks of God's love
(I didn't need God,
I needed you).
Then you stopped talking.

And so I fell,
splintered
into a million sparkling pieces
dulled with rain,
with grime from low-down places.
I drowned in drains
(they facilitated your tears
but killed me)
and turned on myself.
(Since you hate me,
I might as well hate myself.)

Then I realised, you were really
not worth it
and why should I give you a chance
when you didn't give me one
(when you didn't want one)?

Yesterday I smelled a familiar smell.
I thought it was you,
the scent of your coat,
of you -
but it turned out to be my own.
Is it that
you
had made such an impact on
me
that your
actions had become
mine,
your nature
second to my own -
or was it that I was merely
in a dreamy illusion
that you were there
when you never were,
a fox which came,
printed a stink
and left?

Still muddling along in new poetry. This attempt is rather haphazard. I don't really like it as much as I liked Urbanisation and Pimples. Would really appreciate (positive and negative) comments on this one.

Shall post something I wrote this afternoon at the class bench:

I saw him today. I know him. I know exactly how he looks like from the back, the hair, the distinct shape of his body, the way he jumped down the steps. I know his bag, his shirt. These are familiar. I wonder why when I was doing my comprehension, I looked up only to see him. A part of me wanted to call out to him, ask him out to lunch or just to study together.

But then I told myself, 'What for? He's moved on to better things and a better future. He's not yours to have. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord.'

I was happy and peaceful today, smiling my usual wide smile and laughing. I told Serene that we had broken up. She told me to talk about it over with him. But somehow, it didn't seem to affect me anymore and I said no. Why dredge up the past? I want to begin again, with or without him. I know that if he calls me back I will definitely go back, of course, our relationship is different: we had future hopes and dreams. But only if he calls me back before I fall in love with someone else.

My foolscap pad is full of intriguing things. There are sermons/church messages, poems, thoughts, quotes, cartoon drawings and sketches. They entwine around each other i.e. a sermon can be illustrated with cartoon drawings and certain points may be accompanied by personal thoughts. It is quite a pleasure reading through this foolscap pad, even at the little points in the sermon.

Extracts from my book:

Written last Sunday during the sermon "To The Repentant, A Message Of Healing":

"There are 3 things that keep me from God:
1. Hurt (because of DW)
2. Was crying because family and Christian guy was so rigid, kept going on and on abt God, didn't want to listen, just solve, pissed w me because I just wanted to talk.
3. Don't want to give up control, want to be human... think too spiritual make you v rigid, unable to empathise (experience)."

"Thou desirest not sacrifice. Just that your heart be broken. Come home. Then ring, robe, feast. My son is home. When one sinner that repents JOY. in heaven -> celebration."

"I wonder why I need fellowship to validate friendship. Really appreciated it when Prisca said yesterday 'I care about you'. I need pple to tell it me often. I don't want DW to not know I love him. I'm a very open person, usually I will say when I'm unhappy with someone. Been saying nice things, understanding things to DW to zilch response. No 'I know', what more an 'I love you' back... plus the way he's been acting... (I don't know. In a state of spiritual depression. I hurt emotional and badly so.)"

"May we choose life and happiness and peace."

Written last Sunday during the Open Sunday message "The Sin of Backbiting":

"What if someone affects me and I tell someone I am concerned abt the other's evil? e.g. 'I dislike XXX's laziness/insensitivity...'"

"Am I judging DW? Should I judge?"

"Why would pple trust friends instead of their closer pple."

Written last Tuesday during the Prayer Meeting:

"You didn't pray for JB!" (Note passed to father after his prayer - actually he did, I just didn't know that Kota Tinggi was in JB)

Written Sunday during the sermon "To The Lost, A Message of Hope":

"Jews deeply religious, morally upright, but mistake! Don't assume that you are right with God if you don't sin an extreme sin. (Rom 10: 10-17)"

Miscellaneous:

"The one thing I really can't stand is smoke."

"There's this particular girl I just can't stand and I get so insecure, keep hallucinating, imagining her here and there when it's not even her. Wonder why I keep thinking of her of all people, maybe 'cos I don't like her. But why?"

"my brain is so dead. i don't know if it's psychological or the lack of food (or sleep?) no i've been sleeping enough. hate feeling this way if i continue to feel this way i may not be able to study i can't study now brain not working there's a weird feeling in my head even my hand is tired everything is tired help.
i"

"And I float into the misted distance
Far above your dreams
Into your city walls
where the night never comes"
(This accompanies a sketch of my view of the Esplanade.)

Written today during Lit lecture:

"It's only when you are committed that you can be hurt. Function as an island, stand alone. Yes, this is me...now (Ref. to J. Lo intended)"

"My life is like a sitcom - bad jokes and an irritating laugh track." ~Darryl MacPherson, Baby Blues"

"Man proposes God disposes."