Autumn Song
~*~
Irish hymn, c. 8th century
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart -
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word -
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise -
High King of heaven, my victory won,
So I'm going to post what I wrote earlier.
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1. Reading Psalms right now, I feel like I'm reading David (the Psalmist)'s blog...can relate, can empathise and each psalm is like a blog entry of his feelings. I just keep reading and reading.
Fun ideas:
Dreams.
Scene 2
Can understand when I read pple's (plural) blogs.
The amazing things:
Come to think of it, am v happy that ge blogs and Sean too. =)
To Soh De Wen:
Each day as I walk in Christ, I tell myself not to be like you, you who just talked about God, actions speaking otherwise. You drove me to God for an excuse, to shirk your responsibility. And it's been months since you left and you haven't come back to patch things up. This relationship is long over but you left everything, didn't even give a proper explanation, just walked away and left. You are the cruelest, most evil guy I've seen.
I don't doubt you are a Christian. It's not our characters that determine God's choice. I prayed for you two nights' ago, that he would work through you, that both of us, unable to serve God together, would serve him separately.
I know that I have my faults (as the Bible says I may have a beam in my own eye when I'm beholding a mote in yours) but whenever I think about our relationship I think of it as a major failure on your part, not mine. What is wrong with you? Why do you think the way you do, behave the way you do?
The things my non-Christian guy friends do... they surprise me, can't believe things can be so natural to them, they care a lot, and right now I can name SIX guys who are friends and many more acquaintances (Christian and non-Christian).
You're not decent you know. You're a jerk. And every time I read the Bible and see words like 'lying lips' and 'deceitful tongue' I judge myself - am I slandering you? I hope not.
I'm writing this down so my feelings are expressed and if I am unwittingly lying (I have honestly tried not to lie) may God forgive me, change me and help me to see His truth.
Every time I come across a verse about betrayal (by a Christian) I think of you.
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Papercut | Linkin Park
Why does it feel like night today?
It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back
the face inside is right beneath my skin
The sun goes down
The sun goes down
The sun
The sun
YES. This used to be the only song of this nature (Linkin Park kinda songs) that I liked. Frankly, I think it's v well written, am v impressed, but thank God now I don't feel like that - just looking at the past with a peaceful heart. Hope I never go back there.
And now.
I dreamed you kissed me a few nights' ago, so vividly I could feel the kiss on my left cheek and I had to convince myself it was a dream when I woke up. Smiled though. Loved you since J1, just never let it develop because I was loving someone else. It takes a lot to make me love you especially if I don't know you very well and hardly talk to you. You're academically brilliant. CCA excellent. You have the looks. You have fantastic character. People praise you. You're as humanly perfect as anyone could dream to be.
I always said I liked geniuses. That is true. Intelligence is a major criteria. But I wouldn't be touched by that. Impressed, but not touched. -shrug-
I'm touched because of your heart. You have a heart of gold, precious and as pure as it appears humanly possible -no heart can be pure on its own-. A heart which I've not seen before. And something in your heart just struck a chord in mine and drew a soft spot.
And that's all I'll say. -zips mouth- Ironic. Nearly told you twice but didn't. Won't.
It won't work out. It definitely won't. Not yet. I don't need it to work out either. :)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:09 p.m.
Psalm 49
vs 1 - Hear this, all ye people; give ear, all ye inhabitants of the world:
Psalm 51
vs 6 - Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
Psalm 53:1 - The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. Corrupt are they, and have done abominable iniquity: there is none that doeth good.
Psalm 54:2 - Hear my prayer, O God; give ear to the words of my mouth.
Psalm 55
vs 12 - For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him:
Psalm 50 was a psalm that especially touched me.
God's people have a covenant. They sacrifice (vs 8), he blesses them (vs 15). The wicked do not enjoy this (vs 16). If this sounds judgemental, please take note that we are all wicked according to God's standard and there is nothing we can do to change that fact (see above). But those who have a covenant with God are forgiven though they are still wicked. God did not change his standards, he just made it possible for us to be forgiven through the blood sacrifice. It shows his unchanging nature, his justice and righteousness (in not changing his standards), and his love, mercy and goodness (in offering a way out for our benefit and although we do not deserve it).
God is good because:
1. He initiated a covenant and made it possible for there to be one even though he doesn't need the sacrifices (vs 9-10). [With this in mind, it is quite narrow for people to give and then think they've given God a lot. Even if giving wasn't a commandment and duty, it's an obligation because God is our creator, we wouldn't even be here without Him. Even if we didn't take into account that, if we just consider the fact that God has done so much for us, especially when He doesn't owe us anything is enough to diminish any worth of what we do. Shouldn't we be thankful instead that God does see our sacrifices and rewards us?
2. This is even more amazing. God even did away with our sacrifice. Instead of offering numerous sacrifices regularly to seek forgiveness, salvation was given ONCE and it was FREE. FREE. Free for us - we didn't have to do anything of our own accord, we just had to accept the gift. But while it was free for us, it wasn't free for Him. It cost Him His only begotten Son. If losing a son wasn't bad enough, it was His begotten son, not an adopted one, and it was His only begotten son. It cost God the Father pain, grief and loss. It cost God the Son His heavenly throne. He gave all the perfection of heaven for 33.5 years of life on a sinful filthy earth. He gave up His Godship (He was still God, but He sure wasn't treated like one!) to become man. He gave up His Kingship to become man. As if that wasn't enough, He also endured 33.5 years of life knowing he was going to die. He endured 33.5 years of life trying to reach out to the people He was trying to save FOR THEIR SAKE, and being ridiculed, being taken advantage of (people didn't want spiritual food, they just wanted bread, physical miracles - everyone was so narrow-mindedness, so spiritually blind). He wasn't appreciated, in fact he was BETRAYED, not just betrayed, but betrayed by one of His closest friends, one of His 12 disciples who saw all His works, who walked with Him, who should have known better, and who betrayed Him for just thirty pieces of silver - just a little bit of money which wasn't anywhere reflective of Jesus' worth, and which he didn't even use in the end. Jesus died for a crime He didn't even commit, in fact He wasn't even convicted of the crime, Pilate himself acknowledged that Jesus was innocent, and sent him to be crucified just 'cos the people wanted it. Jesus was punished in the worst way possible - a slow painful death, nails driven in, hanging there on the cross bleeding, and all the time the people were scoffing at him and his disciples were denying him, not believing, away from him, disciples who should have known better.
And if that wasn't enough to be sad about, people didn't appreciate all that. Some of us look at the world and go 'Where is God? Where is God in war? In famine? unhappiness?' War is caused by humans. God doesn't owe us a living. We owe him our lives, every breath that we take, our health, our strength, our families, our friends, our money, our school, our grades, EVERYTHING. God doesn't even send fire and brimstone from heaven to punish us for blaspheming against Him. Can you believe the salvation is still there? How can a God be so good?
The signs are so obvious, yet some people blatantly reject God and they don't even accept a FREE GIFT.
:( -cries-
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 07:36 p.m.
I need to pray for complete submission, that I will trust in Him fully and not take things into my own hands. I'm weak and afraid, yet I've been protected and am starting to take this for granted. Must remember that He is to be first.
Read Ps 49 last night before bed. It is very comforting to do Quiet Time in the morning and at night before bed. Used to treat Quiet Time as a routine once a day one chapter, but now I'm reading more. Am going to read Ps 49 again 'cos I didn't highlight the verses and there are some verses I want to share. Some more from Psalm 44 to 48 also but the Bible I highlighted my verses in was and still is in the apartment so couldn't post yesterday.
I'm afraid and upset. Feeling very weak.
(Quite unrelated) Progress on contact lens-wearing: 1st try for the right eye, 6 min in total for both eyes. =)
Playlist (all by Michael W. Smith):
Place In This World
The wind is moving but I am standing still
Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find
If there are millions down on their knees
Show me I'm
Looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find
Am frustrated. Spent too much time online. Need to have lunch and start studying. I want to finish something online, but I'm not concentrating (solution: not be too perfectionistic). Not going for Lit today (2.15p.m.). Don't want to waste travelling time going to sch. Meeting Xin Yi at 4 for coffee (Clementi thank God) so need to study before that. Won't come online tonight, spent too much time here. I want/need to rush my revision.
WJ smsed again. Same thing. Slow revision. Don't know why I can comfort and encourage others and not her. There's a barrier between us. I didn't reply. :( Something is wrong with me. Need to pray about it. Not talking to parents. Eating dinner in silence. Feeling very irritated with my family (for eating noisily and talking with their mouths full). Plus my face is permanently depressed at dinner. All that, yet I'm sincerely happy nowadays, smiling very often, having a great time with my friends. Even when they say and do nice things, I just give short replies.
Wanted to tell mom what was wrong last night, but didn't. They just say things that really hit, that make me think they don't understand and don't want to. Like yesterday.
Me (suddenly saying): I'm tired.
My dad interrupted me once yesterday, but I ignored him. I was talking to mom and he just started talking to mom and ignoring me. It really shocked me, how someone could just start talking when someone was in the middle of a conversation and he said about 3 long sentences before he realised that I didn't stop talking to mom and mom was listening to me, and stopped talking. And sometimes I would hint at things I didn't like like what I did last night about studying, but he would just be defensive and not listen.
In my house, everything is either about a) him, b) him, c) him, d) him, e) study (when he sees me and realises I exist)...z^infinity) me.
Dad's going to London tonight to get an award/prize for a paper he wrote. Unfortunately mom has a dinner and can't fetch him to the airport. I wish I could drive so I could see him off.
I have this feeling I'll never see him again because I don't appreciate him and I'll be punished for that.
Am trying to articulate everything. Compy not cooperating very well.
Haven't replied Aishu and HJ's smses either. Aishu sent 3 sms to me last night! :) Thank God HJ came online. Will reply Aishu later, and talk to Xin Yi about things and ask for her help/advice in replying to WJ. Need to get changed, pack bag, go for lunch and start studying. Don't think I'll bother to go to the apartment, just stay at Coffee Bean the whole day.
I'm postponing the SPH scholarship application submission. I'm really not in the mood to do it today. Wish my compy wouldn't keep cranking up. It's delaying and frustrating me.
Take care people! Can't smile now but things will get better later. Had a good prayer last night. :) And the night before too.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:40 a.m.
I'm writing this here so it feels more concrete. Been praying for him, still am. Always.
Please fill the emptiness inside of him and heal him, help him, be close to him...
Most of all, help him see that he needs you.
A lot of what he's saying sounds like what I used to feel. What I feel now and then. But You make it 100% better when I focus on You. The problems pale, and idealistic as I try not to be, You do work wonders. Can't articulate how I feel now so while I understand, can relate to what he's saying, I don't know what to say to help. Am not frustrated. Am feeling rather calm and peaceful. Been through a lot, but You've blessed me throughout it all and helped me come out of everything stronger. Even earlier today. I'm amazed at how you work.
Am not being detailed enough. Cannot pinpoint what is wrong, and cannot articulate everything to You. Just, help him Lord. You can do everything, and it's not fate that operates in this world. Everything is done by Your will alone.
Hearts can only ever fully be healed through You.
Praying for courage on my part, and for your heart to be open. Am so afraid that you will feel uncomfortable and withdraw and leave. Not leave me, but leave what you should listen to. It's so important. I don't even want to write everything here so I can just continue to pray and ease everything in. There isn't time. Are you sure about what tomorrow may bring? Am not doomsday, just being realistic. We don't know. Things may happen too late and if there's one person I don't want to see miss out on all this it's you. I should not be ashamed of my God who has done so much SO MUCH. And I know that it is not me who will do anything but God. The heart is touched by God, not man, and the Spirit has to work.
Always praying for you. Every day. For your sake, not mine.
Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. That's how I know things will work out for the best. It's not just the personal experience.
Psalm 37:4 - Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Mark 8:36 - For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?
I am not talking nonsense.
Am so afraid to post this blog. Pray. Pray. (HJ will you pray too?)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:35 p.m.
Am in the sch comp lab now.
Had a busy morning. Skipped Econs 'cos a) it was optional, b) no test, just materials and c) had a lot of things to settle.
Thank God I woke up early, managed to get the contacts in easily and comfortably (the eyes can hurt for a while), was especially surprised and thankful that I got the lens for the right eye in on the first attempt, took 7 minutes in total to put my lenses on. Met my dad this morn. Had coffee with him and read Life! (also found out Mind Your Language on tonight 11p.m. so told Sean since he wanted to watch it but didn't know when it would be showing), then he drove me to the apartment and showed me around. Did Quiet Time there, studied for abt 30-45 min then fell asleep for more than an 1 hour! Will study in the apartment from now on hopefully. Am thankful for the convenience - it's also located in between my house and the MRT station, about 10 min walk from the house or MRT station.
Went to Clementi to get bank drafts for Aus uni application fees and stamps and envelopes as well. Thankful for the convenience of the bank and post office, for the friendly and patient staff, the patient customers behind me especially at the post office and for the completion of everything. Thankful for the experience - first time doing stuff at the bank and post office and the short wait despite the long queue (wasted less time 'cos I queued at the wrong queue. >< Must have been amusing, queueing all the way to the front then saying sth like 'I would like an envelope pls.' Haha.) Thankful the application fees were deducted from my bank account instead 'cos I didn't bring enough money, was praying abt it in the queue (AUD0, exchange rate sth like AUD to S.23, only brought S0 'cos I'd remembered the application fees wrongly, thought they were AUD0). While waiting at the post office though saw a sweet postcard with a kitten in front, thought of Nat so got it for her and wrote it up later in sch.
Listened to Wings As Eagles on the way to sch. Yesterday's photocopies weren't the best - results slips and not certificates, so photostated the certs and the testimonial. Sorted all the paper, bank drafts, made final checks, packed everything into envelopes, bought glue and did the stamps and photo. Got copies certified at the sch office. Unfortunately didn't bring original Prelim results so my Prelim results copy couldn't be certified for the SPH scholarship app. Also didn't bring photocopied Birth Cert. Thankful this only affects the SPH scholarship app.
Thankful for coffee in the morning 'cos I haven't eaten lunch yet (3.08p.m. already). Want to go post office again to check the weights of my envelopes to make sure I've got the right stamps ('cos underestimated earlier I think), thank God there's a post office near sch and also can have Coffee Bean lunch (yay!). Then will hopefully ask Mrs. Ang sth about the NSW application -not sure whether should send to postal or courier addy and settle all the uni apps at least, put in Mr. Yeow's pigeon hole, then FINALLY head my way back to the apartment to do more studying. Not working hard, must work harder. Thankful for each little bit I manage to cover though.
Want the SPH scholarship for these reasons in this order:
If I go Aus it'll be on private finance but hope to get a scholarship offered by the unis themselves.
Anyway, here are the unis and courses I'm applying for in order of preference.
University of Melbourne:
University of New South Wales:
Australian National University:
University of Western Australia:
Sigh I just saw DW. He came into the comp lab, walked past me and I just happened to turn. He said 'hey' softly, don't know to who, but I instinctively turned away and my lips pursed a little, face reddened, could feel the tears coming. Now my heart is beating and my fingers are trembling. :( Well at least it gets me off the comp and out to lunch! Don't want to smile when I don't feel like smiling.
There we go! Everything settled, plans underway. Going for lunch now. Take care all! :)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:44 p.m.
Ps 37:4 - Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:36 p.m.
Econs test tomorrow cancelled. Materials to be given out instead. Thank God. I can study Geog today.
UCAS personal statement edited, application completed and sent in. Thank God.
Mom probably didn't switch on her phone. Am going to walk opposite the house to photocopy all the documents myself. Hope I don't lose them as they're very important. Tonight I will put everything in envelopes, tomorrow I'll send my scholarship application and give all the envelopes to my Civics Tutor to add predicted grades and send everything in for me.
Going to meet Xin Yi at 1.30p.m. Coffee Bean Clementi. Convenient and nearby. Appreciate it. :) Pray for a productive study session.
Checked my Pacific Net e-mail today. fairydust: Check your e-mail!
Checked my sms recently and was shocked to discover that I'd been so self-absorbed in myself I'd missed the needs of others. But thank God that through His grace, I'm clearing work, friendships are building up and I'm feeling more peaceful and assured. Thank God especially for Christian friendships. I love you Nat.
Told God I loved Him yesterday. Awkward, 'cos I don't usually say such things. But it was a try. Haven't read the Bible yet this morning. Will only manage to read it in the afternoon after the study session earliest. Must.
God bless, and have a good day! :)
Hi Ling. :)
All the best to all involved in revision/exams (Wed - exam, Thur - A level Bio Prac, Fri - exam, Sat - SAT1, Mon - O levels begin)/US applications and essays/University interviews (Fri - Cambridge).
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:52 p.m.
Am going to sleep now not to escape. I'm not physically tired now (somewhere along the way the tiredness escaped), but I'm spiritually and emotionally tired from doing things I don't want to do but have to do. Could do with a good rest. Had two sessions of Bible reading today, but most probably will read it before I go to bed for spiritual refreshment.
I pray continually that I'll never take peace, stability and happiness for granted, never stop fearing and respecting God, never expect things from Him (because He doesn't owe me anything while I have a duty and an obligation (and more importantly a delight) to serve and glorify Him. Salvation is about yielding all to Him and trusting Him fully, and I pray I'll never view Him with less importance than He deserves, or put Him less than first place in my life.
I still hate myself. I just do. The idea that I'm not good enough. I think it's partially the tiredness, and also the knowledge that I'm spiritually, emotionally and physically weak and insecure and I judge myself for everything I do. That's something to pray about.
I'm glad for my layout now, because after the initial weariness I like it now and it's perfect at least in my eyes. :)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 03:50 a.m.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:34 a.m.
I got an 84% for Maths Paper 2. 85% (P1) and 84% (P2) - thanking God for the encouragement and Sean for the hard work and patience, praying for humility, discipline and perseverence. 1 subject down, 3 more to go. Photostated Geog and Lit. Tomorrow will be spent on Econs revision for Thursday's test.
I was happy today. :)
Music: Place In This World | Michael W. Smith
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:37 a.m.
I went to bed last night, tear-streaked and fearful, but I couldn't sleep.
Then a quiet voice spoke in my head. 'You'd feel better if you washed up.' Surprisingly I followed it, brushed my teeth and washed up. Felt better.
'You'd feel better if you read the Bible.'
So even though I was very tired, I took out yesterday's church weekly and started reading the feature on Reformation Sunday. About the attitude of the saints towards studying the Bible and knowing more about God.
The weekly had one poem.
The Things That Remain
Times change and men change with them,
- A.J. Flint -
When I read the poem, I felt inspired to write one of my own. I didn't care that I was tired, or that it was so early in the morning - I just wrote, sincerely, heartfelt, edited and re-edited, then wrote a paragraph of feelings after.
Prayer
My God, my heavenly Father,
Basically all I want to say to God for now is summarised in this poem. It's a personal prayer because each idea reflects my views and feelings - I see God through nature, I thank Him most for salvation and daily strength, I am facing spiritual problems, I feel socially lonely and inadequate, I fear committing to God and then breaking that promise and backsliding, I am suffering from depression which only God knows how, and how fast, to heal me from, and I feel like I'm just saying empty words when I'm praying.
It was just past 3a.m. when I finally went to bed, but I felt that staying up was worth it, and as I lay down to sleep I felt like a baby in loving hands, well taken care of. Thank God, by His grace I managed to wake up to go to school, and do the Maths Paper 1 and other work.
I classified myself as numb today, but it's something I thank God for because I view it as a defense mechanism, protection. I managed to wake up this morning (although I was tired), wash up and put on contact lenses - though these artificial measures helped, I still looked and felt like a wreck after last night.
Throughout today, I knew I was weak. I felt weak, but I felt like God was taking care of me, and administering a personal treatment that would slowly help me recover. Everything was going in His pace, each pill given to me slowly so I could handle it. All I had to do was just trust in the Great Physician who heals bodies, minds and souls. Just be there and take the medicine.
Everything rolled by in slow motion today. The cds were switched. No more Vanessa Carlton in the discman - the Wings As Eagles cd was back, gently playing on the bus. I replayed the Wings as Eagles title track because I wasn't paying attention at first. Then I got off the bus, tottered a little insecurely, but with some confidence, towards school.
It was good -necessary perhaps?- to isolate myself today. Sean was understanding enough to leave me alone too. I did smile at the councillors but did my Quiet Time and Maths Paper 1 in the library. I was glad that I could do the paper even though objectively it didn't look easy to me.
I wanted to go to Coffee Bean for lunch, not have lunch in the canteen under a strict time schedule like I put myself through last time. It was raining heavily during the paper though, but afterwards the rain lightened and stopped. :) It was awkward interrupting Sean and Sherwayn but I handed up my paper to Sean and Sherwayn gave me a big sincere smile which was very appreciated. I think the short social interaction between the councillors (namely Zhiming and Cheryl) went well too - perhaps I shouldn't be viewing myself so detachedly and slowly as if in a film, judging my every action, but my smile was sincere, and I said a few words.
I was thinking of Xin Yi, how she'd probably be at home, maybe sleeping (I forgot that it was already afternoon), because she didn't have school on Mondays. I decided to sms her anyway though just to ask how she was and tell her how I was doing.
Out from the toilet, I bumped into Aishu, and then Ge, and we talked for a while. =)
The first bus that came was a 156, which meant that I would have to walk less. It was drizzling slightly when I alighted at the Sixth Avenue bus stop, but I liked the rain and could walk in it comfortably. My mind was pretty focused on God - it was like before I fell into this suicidal depression mode, when I could talk to God quite often just in my mind, with the knowledge that he was present and listening.
I remembered the day wrongly - Xin Yi didn't have to go to school on Tuesday, she had Econs today. But the Econs was cancelled, she came all the way for nothing it seemed, and if not for my surprising sms she wouldn't have called while I was on the bus and we wouldn't have arranged to meet at Sixth Avenue for lunch (for me), coffee and a study session. I was really thankful because it took the interaction of so many 'coincidental' factors for things to turn out this way.
I did some Maths corrections while waiting for Xin Yi, then I had lunch and the Ultimate Ice-Blended, Xin Yi took the Caramel-Apple Tea Latte which was unavailable on Saturday when we went out, and we sat and talked and then did some studying.
The studying was good. Even though there was light music playing in the background and some noise I was absorbed in my Physical Geog notes, I enjoyed it, and everything was progressing smoothly.
During the lunch, Sean called and told me I got an 85% for the Maths Paper 1 test. That got me smiling for a long time after the call, and his laughter rang in my ears even longer, until I reached home, because it was so musical and sincerely happy. =) I think I will never forget that laughter.
We went home, chatting all the way, and I missed my bus stop and had to alight at the next one. =) The longer distance didn't matter though, because as I walked up the next overhead bridge (the one after the one I usually cross) I was thanking God for Xin Yi, and looking at the nice houses I wouldn't have seen if I didn't miss the stop, enjoying the wet weather, the surroundings, and the light rain. Before long I was at the gate of my house and my maid was on the second floor cleaning the window and smiling at me.
Went to bathe, didn't switch on the computer, read a bit of notes, then decided to read the Bible again. Read, then slept, all the way until 8p.m.. :) When I woke up the sky was dark.
Just had my dinner (9.40p.m.) and talked to three of my closest girlfriends online.
I didn't expect anything today, and I hope I don't. I'm still trying to give God the respect He should be given. He doesn't owe me a living. I owe Him my life and more.
I was reading the Bible earlier and I highlighted some verses for the first time in this Bible. Personal thoughts are in brackets. I don't use a guidebook when reading the Bible, I prefer letting the words speak by themselves.
Ps 31:9 - Have mercy upon me, O LORD, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.
Something that struck me today was the magnitude of God's mercy and love. The words are gentle, not harsh, and it acknowledged the sin and difficulties of Christians, giving the hope of God's willingness and ability to take away ALL troubles.
Thank You God.
Thank God for:
Personal items to pray for:
To you - you know who you are: Am very thankful for your Christian testimony and inspired by your blog. I hope I did not cause you to stumble by my poor testimony. All the best in your exam preparation - get enough sleep if you can, dear, and take courage in God. Am praying for you.
When I feel God's presence, there is more control and objectivity, and the problems seem rather insignificant. Even love is unnecessary because God's love is infinitely sufficient and I know He will give me love in time or shower me with His love. I'm unsure of where I stand with you and sensitive to everything you say - it helps to have friends who look at your messages objectively because while I worry over your tone, that you are sad, Xin Yi says that message looks perfectly all right. I'm definitely not lovelorn, and thankful for that. I just hope you're all right and happy. I'm praying for you, for your sake, and I hope, not out of an impure motive.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:53 p.m.
Save me.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:18 a.m.
You're talking to me now, and I'm hardly replying, letting you talk to yourself.
I don't doubt you were in depression before. Thanks for sharing, really. It sounds like you went through a tough time and I'm glad you have put everything behind you and can testify of God's goodness.
But you've been very frank and I don't want to tell you you've offended me because a) somewhere along the way I just stopped talking to everyone, stopped telling everyone anything, not face to face, just on this blog perhaps and b) it's your right of speech and I appreciate your frankness and honesty.
You're telling me about God and how He's the only way.
I know.
You're asking me how well I know. That it's with my head not with my heart.
I know.
What do you expect me to say? That I'll turn to God?
I'm sorry. I won't.
It hurts to turn away. I'm not denying God. If I sound like it I want to say (to God), I'm not. I'm not denying You.
But the tears are blinding and I'm just telling J now 'I don't know. I don't know.' I want to say 'Leave me alone. I'm hopeless. There is no hope for me.'
I think I need medication. I'm moving closer and closer to the edge.
I think the only thing that's keeping me from it is God's grace and mercy. I feel it like a string pulling me back.
I really wish you'd stop talking. I finally broke and said I wish you wouldn't. But you continued anyway. It's good I guess. Maybe some of this will rub off. You said a lot of wise things, I'm sure, and I'm definitely going to save the chat session.
I'm frustrated 'cos the friends I will talk to about such issues aren't online, but even if they are I don't know if I would talk to them. They deserve much better.
I want to buy a nice clean knife and start cutting myself.
To mom and dad: Stop telling me to study.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:47 a.m.
I really hate you loads.
1. You don't even know I am in depression. You don't know I have been in depression.
2. You don't know how bloody long I spent doing these university applications. How much time I spent just searching through all the courses and deciding what I want to do. Reading the course descriptions and the programs and thinking and thinking and thinking about whether I am really interested in this, whether this will make me more employable, career opportunities what not. Possibility for Honours? Easy for me to study? Structure of program? You don't know.
You think you are bloody fucking smart just because you are who you are. Successful. Wise. Everytime it's just YOU YOU YOU YOUR WISDOM YOUR IDEAS. Everytime I say something you always answer with a 'No, my point is'. You don't LISTEN to me and you accuse me of not listening to you.
And everytime it's like, 'Esther don't you need to study?' It's like all you know about me is just study. And my gosh, you don't even KNOW about my academic life. No you don't know about my Maths, you don't know about my work, my revision, you don't know about my scholarships, my applications. Whatever you know is what I TELL YOU because I want you to be proud of me. I want to be a good daughter dammit.
You don't know how much time I spent on those bloody irritating applications.
And if you don't know all the work I've been struggling with, you know even less about all the emotional problems. I think it would surprise you greatly if you suddenly found my body at the bottom of a HDB flat.
I hate you because now I'm crying AGAIN. Just when I stopped crying and started getting down to business you made me cry.
But then again I don't hate you. I just hate myself for not being a good enough daughter and for wasting my bloody time on all the applications and worrying when I could just have checked if the programmes were available, filled up the applications in a few minutes and sent everything in. Just like Sean said. Just like Sean offered to help me do. Just a few minutes. Only, you know, it's not me to just check that programmes are available and concentrate on my studies and worry about programmes only when the universities accept me. My problem. Dragging myself into deeper shit all the time. Giving myself more work.
And my UCAS statement is still not perfected. My GP tutor said it wasn't outstanding.
You know what. I thought all along that I wasn't scholarship material. Look, with just a few words you can break me down. I don't even deserve to go to the UK. Some people do. Emotionless heartless cruel cowardly jerks who know their priorities, know they can't cope and just leave. They deserve to because at least they get their life back on track. Some people deserve it because they're smart, hardworking and passionate. Some people do because they're good nice people. Some people I would go the world for. People like me don't. People like me are stupid, lazy, depressed, and just plain lousy and good for nothing. Crying for nothing. Living for nothing.
I should just die. But what am I doing now? Crying again, crying and staring at the screen and typing and typing stupid nonsense and breathing another bit of air I don't deserve.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:05 p.m.
I'm just sorry for being so difficult. Sorry for wasting everyone's time and not appreciating everyone's efforts. For crying the whole day, for not seeing happiness, for not trying. I don't deserve to live. This world is not for me.
Maybe I'll never see happiness.
I feel so rotten compared to everyone else. Everyone out there taking charge of their lives, getting grades, doing their work, thinking about people other than themselves, being normal.
I'm just not normal. Crying now. Again. As usual. I always cry. Maybe I'll never stop. I wish I could kill myself.
I don't even want to die. I just sit and stare at nothing and cry and cry the whole day.
I feel like writing everyone's name on pieces of paper, all the people who actually care about me, and then writing sorry and then jumping off. Maybe Monday I'll call up all my friends to say goodbye.
I don't even want to call anyone or sms anymore. I've been difficult enough. Why isn't anyone online?!
I'm thinking about banging my head into the wall but it would be too painful.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:30 p.m.
I wrote a poem yesterday but I couldn't think of an appropriate title so I called it Untitled.
Untitled
It's a passive melody,
Vanessa Carlton, White Oleander and sips of self-conjured dreams. I hate this poem. I hate 2.5 of the 3.5 poems I written in the past three days (Why 2.5? Because I was so disgusted I stopped writing one halfway). I'm losing my muse and inspiration, and spiralling out of control. I've spun a white web in the twilight and strangled eight limbs in the path of gypsy stars. I feel like a wild spirit headed towards the moon, leaving behind a trail of poppies. Poetry rings in my ears and permeates my being, but nothing is concrete, and I am drawing away from God, drowning in heathen tribes and if I don't watch out I am going to follow on my morbid thoughts and kill myself in a bloody sacrificial offering to an unreal mystical god.
I screamed
I had a good morning with Rachel. Christian friends help loads. She encouraged me to go for Sunday School just with her excitement to go and we had a good lunch at Black Canyon Coffee. Told her a lot of things.
I had a dream last night and I was sobbing so hard in that dream my chest was heaving and I could not be comforted. In the middle of my sobs I woke up, and my eyes were wet, and I cried some more before going back to sleep.
My brother said he fixed my computer, but he said 'Yayaya, fixed already la' and he looked insecurely pissed. I was so cut up I didn't say anything.
I feel so damn selfish. I hate myself. I hatehatehate myself.
I should not love. I don't deserve love and no one deserves a stupid idiot like me.
If only I could write on my blog how I feel about you the way some people do. But I can't, because too many people read this blog and I'm afraid you will find out. You mustn't find out. I hope you never do. Maybe now I know how it feels like to honestly care for a person, to bleed because he doesn't know, because of the sheer irony which I mustn't say, and because I know you're hurting and I don't want you to hurt.
I went for church today though, and it helped a whole lot. Today is Reformation Sunday and we sang so many Old English hymns, learnt about the reformation and revised the gospel. I pray that God will draw me back to Him, and lead me in His way, change me according to His will, and help me live in His good pleasure. Although I was distracted at first I did reach a point where nothing (and no human-caused problems) seemed to matter but God. I rejoiced when I saw the last hymn that was chosen for the service - Be Thou My Vision, my favourite hymn of all time. This is my life's cry. I thought about the insignificant problems and wondered if there was a purpose in life - God has a purpose and maybe I'll feel it soon.
I've wandered far, and I pray God will draw me back to Him. My poem means nothing to me, because it is too secular, too wild, too sinful.
Thank you kor for calling just now just to say hi and ask how I am. Thank you. :) -hugs-
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:27 p.m.
HJ: I didn't get your e-mail.
I have been reading blogs and checking e-mail all morning. Normally I just type my blog up. I should really be doing the applications especially because having no personal computer means I can't do them at night. :( They do worry me and are a source of burden I wish to run away from. It is partially these things that make me want to go.
Been having strange, but not bad, dreams.
Thankful for HJ's blog. The Christian content there is good. I pray no one stumbles because of my poor Christian testimony.
Going to meet Xin Yi now for lunch and studying. I crave chocolate and ice cream [jie's fault, she wrote about it on her blog ;) ]. Lots of blogs to catch up on - many blogs unread or partially read. E-mail also not entirely cleared - forgot until today -. Hope my compy will be up soon. Bro fell sick yesterday though.
How?
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:50 a.m.
Don't bother guessing. You'd never guess and I'll never tell. ;)
There is no rule to say that a girl has to stay out of love relationships for XXX years especially when her previous relationship is over with no hope of future renewal and her ex is hanging around with girls so obviously that people who don't even know about the breakup know that something is wrong (challenge me on this if you dare, I have evidence).
I hope this does not offend any Plath or Hughes lovers, but I do wonder why a person such as Plath was married given her mindsets. The society cannot have been so conservative that she had to get married - if it was so, Hughes would not have got into an affair and left her. Male vs female, love and marriage have always been personal obsessions. I do wonder where my views of love stand now. Read a very little bit of Rossetti notes last night and I must say I agree with her, her views of love and her poetry. I can't really elaborate on this, but currently I'm mixed up in two ideas which appear personally true - the first is that I'm able to love and give to a relationship, the second is that guys would do well to not come into a relationship with me. My encounters with various platonic guy friends have enabled me to discover more of myself and how I treat guys. I treat them differently from girls, which is why I have so many problems with guys.
There are two sides to me. 1) Subservient woman/mother. 2) Independent journalist/writer. Ultimately I restrict myself from feminist pride because I have believed that a woman's place is in the home serving her husband and bearing his children. Unfortunately, I have what I think is a misconception that such vocations are not called for writers. It is not something that is resolved easily - I can name married journalists, I remember a movie I watched wherein a woman tried to reach her husband through her art after he died (I stopped watching it after a few minutes and locked my crying self in my room because I didn't want anyone to see me cry - no one must see me cry) but I still believe that writers/artists/other 'creative' artistic vocations (I know you can be a creative scientist but by 'creative' here I mean in the arts) pursue vocations of a particular nature which hinders them from relationships.
Fragmented thoughts I cannot as yet make clear. I updated my relationship contract again last night (the last time I updated it was on the 29th of September I think). It's not a list of what I'm looking for in a guy (if it was I would have stated 'intelligence') - it's more like rules governing relationships, rules a guy MUST abide by to enter, minimum requirement, no compromise. Currently, the contract states
a) Christian (any denomination, except Catholics and cults). This is very exclusive but for a relationship (not friendship) this is an absolute requirement. Preferably someone from the same church. God is a major requirement for success in a relationship and relationships are partnerships in service to God, both parties encouraging each other to focus on God. There can be conflict on personal convictions, but not on doctrinal issues.
b) (updated 29th Sept, 2003) No affairs. Previously this was not a requirement. Now I feel stupid for being too liberal.
c) (updated 24th Oct, 2003) Must acknowledge that what he did was wrong. I don't mean hate him. But if you can just look at everything and not feel anything, you are not for me and I am not for you. 1) I question your conscience. 2) You're not on my side.
Note: The above are updated views subject to future change as and when I choose.
(The following paragraph may be offensive. Please do not read if you want a censored blog. Please read if you are aspiring to be a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist.)
I physically hurt my genitals today after about 1 month (?) of just mind-injury or nothing at all. Today's self-concocted mind-injury story was about helpless trapping, betrayal and promises to heal which turned into destructive lies. Of course everything was centred around the whole notion of pregnancy and birth again - the woman is most vulnerable that way, and what is meant to be a promise (the baby) is that which destroys the woman. Some of the stories involve using the baby to punish the woman because she is so wicked the way to counter her wickedness is to use something within her to kill her. Sometimes for some reason the mind injury leads to sharp hot physical pain down there even though I don't do anything except just concoct up painful stories and emotions in my mind, playing and replaying everything slowly like a tape so every bit of suffering and emotion is captured. Today's was more physically painful than usual. Then I complemented the mind injuring with the physical injuring.
I should check myself into Woodbridge.
I view this as sin i.e. to injure involves temptation and spiritual struggle. I haven't been doing this type of mind-injury regularly (about 3 times this month) but just succumbed today and hurt myself physically as well. I don't know. I didn't read my Bible last night or this morning (if I don't read my Bible at night I usually read it in the morning). Am listening to hymns now which is good I guess, though I might go back to pop later. I don't feel like studying.
Everything's screwed up. I need my own computer.
Sian. I must be the only stupid idiot in the world who does stupid things like these.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:33 a.m.
Am sick today. Flu. Sneezed non-stop this morning, nose stuffed or running messily, entire body lethargic. A pity I didn't check to see when the contact lenses entered and by the time I checked it was 7.58a.m.. I need to make four hours today for my eye checkup and I don't feel like working so am hopefully going to stay online until 11 then get ready to go out for lunch (I want healthy porridge) and get my eyes checked at 12. After that, I really want to come home, get the contacts out, drink lots of water and take a restful nap before doing anything else.
I wonder why the bits of recovery aren't as influential as the bits of hurt. Yesterday was a day of trying and I thought I was recovering but it only took 5 words to send me plunging down, thinking the usual thoughts and putting myself down and I slashed and slashed myself again and again with an imaginary knife until I could see myself a chunk of red meat, bloody and lifeless. I was so wrapped up in it that I missed the bus stop but one good thing it did was that because I was in such a foul mood, I shared it with Xin Yi.
Sometimes it's the people who care who hurt the most. Sometimes things just hurt and even now I can't get rid of it. I can say a lot of things in the other person's defence because I know he cares, I know he's trying and I also know that it's his nature and he doesn't mean it, but it helps only a little. It doesn't help to say sorry because it is not his fault, it is mine, I feel guilty and angry with myself for being so difficult and the hurt is already done - it won't heal until whenever. I wonder if I should tell people when they hurt me - maybe then they can try not to hurt me if they care enough to (that's why I started writing last night details about my feelings, for personal knowledge as well as so people will know), yes I concede I am oversensitive, but some things also need not be said.
Usually when I hurt, I instinctively clam up. However, it is a personal instinct to cover up too. I usually force a smile, change the subject or subtly draw the conversation to a close so that the hurt is, to me, internalised and doesn't spread to the other party to make things worse. This makes it worse for me though because while I'm pretending, it cuts and cuts until I'm finally physically alone away from everyone where I can stop pretending and start turning the cuts into bigger slashes which ironically don't make me feel better.
I hate myself for being so useless.
I am feeling rather brain dead now.
On a good note, I am sincerely thankful for the chat with Sean because last night I did follow on his advice to come up with a plan, and this morning I filled in the uni apps first (personal details, leaving the course spaces blank) and also followed my plan to pack my room. I knew I was doing something dangerous today though, because I wasn't doing things slowly, I was attacking everything. Still I am thankful because a) my body naturally reacted and b) before I finally let myself stop I did start on my uni and scholarship apps, my room is more than half-packed and my morning was quite well-used (read Life! too). I don't know if I can control my spurts of enthusiasm, but I am frankly very thankful for the past 2.5 weeks of Maths (it didn't go to waste) and for today's activity. Although I didn't take into account the possibility that I might fall sick in yesterday's plan, it is a good plan and though it is tight I just might get somewhere. I am finally going to start working and by God's grace I am going to ask Sean if I can do Maths on Monday.
And now to these people (whom I hope never reads this blog):
To WJ: I woke up (at 6.10a.m.) this morning to an sms from you. I withdrew from you a while ago because it was a natural reaction. I felt that you overstepped your boundaries and I was uncomfortable and scared. I was scared whenever you came, whenever you so much as talked to me or touched me. In a way it really wasn't a choice, I had to go. I felt that our friendship wasn't secure because although you knew about my depression and cared I didn't trust you enough and trust was something that made it hard for me to deal with other social relationships too (it's not about people, it's about how I react to different people and that is very hard for me to control). I remember our (what I felt was tumultuous) friendship, and all the little nice things you did (I seldom forget both nice things and not-so-nice things, it's only whether I feel in my heart anything beyond knowing in my mind that something is nice and I should appreciate it) and recently your kind actions -asking me how I am, initiating conversations and sharing your paper with me- have touched me. I thought of you in deciding whether to go for Open House because you were my dance partner and I didn't want a situation where I asked a girl (Nat or Aishu) out and left them without a partner (I dance the guy part btw 'cos the 29th had more girls than guys). I was also afraid that I'd dance poorly and give you a bad dance. I remember after a while I did naturally open up to you again (albeit superficially). You smsed me again like you do every exam period to ask me how I am, and to lament (for lack of a better word) that you haven't been studying hard and can't finish studying. I haven't replied your sms because I don't know what to say. I just don't know and I can't support you when I'm struggling here myself.
To YX: Thanks for asking me to dance yesterday. Even though I already had a partner and felt that I didn't handle the situation well enough ('cos the music already started and I wasn't quick enough to reply that I couldn't dance with you) it meant a lot to me and helped me feel wanted. I'm glad you were one of two who saw that entry and I'm glad I talked to you recently. I was impressed with you that night because you read my entry (before I made it private), asked questions, listened to me, felt, seemed like you cared, offered to help realistically and were on my side. I remember the day you came to sit with me and talk while I was having lunch. Though I rarely approach people or talk to people in real life, you've been saying hi (I remember every situation) and just being there (even when I'm busy). Thank you very very much. I really appreciate it.
Disclaimer: I just shared a lot of private things. I didn't rant, I did think over and edit what I wrote. I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I'm sorry if it does and will take it down if anyone concerned wants me to.
Time: 11.30a.m.!!! [Argh! I took 1h 40 min to write? :( ]
PS: Today's Deepavali btw. Happy Deepavali. :)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:53 a.m.
=======
On the usual depressive note, I think my brother is in depression, I am still tired, oversensitive and voiceless and my personal computer cannot be used.
Today I read the Bible, prayed a long prayer for many people and smsed a few friends. Xin Yi said I sounded cheerful in my sms. I also put in effort in my image and social interaction. I am thankful for a good sharing session with my best friend after Open House. I realise that sharing personal viewpoints and convictions is comforting and confirming.
I am carefully articulating my thoughts here for personal comfort. There are two key solutions to this recovery: the first (major) God, the second (minor) myself. I am making conscious choices to improve my mood and attitude (e.g. spent 1h painstakingly making sure my appearance and bag were perfect, initiated conversations with the 30th and interacted with the 29th instead of instinctively avoiding people, and danced the mass dances twice).
I realise a strong personal need to please. I share good news with my parents and report on my good work/progress e.g. university course, admission and scholarship findings. I view social interactions as work obligations - I detachedly see myself initiating and responding to friends and evaluate my performance. Dance is not pure enjoyment - I am conscious of my image while watching myself dance, and it is a personal responsibility to give my dance partners a good dance, eye contact, smile and visible enthusiasm included.
Hence, I push myself to make certain choices and to participate in social interactions because these are stimulants for personal recovery. I derive necessary satisfaction from good work and a successful performance. Yet this is tiring - I am not only emotionally vulnerable to criticism, words which hit me the wrong way and self-perceived failures and imperfections, but also tire physically and emotionally from the effort.
I do not think simply, hence it is not easy for me to recover. I am trying to word my thoughts, rationalise this struggle and help others understand me. Every unintentional hurt, though due to my oversensitivity, pushes me further towards the edge, but I recognise that a few people do care and try to help. Many times I feel like people are only psychologists, they know mentally (if they do at all) what is going on but cannot feel what I feel. I am thankful for different friends and sharing, but trust is still a major problem. Certain situations have kept me from bringing down my barriers and have erected new ones in addition but I am thankful for this blog, where I take the time to reflect, control and share. I am not hurtling towards the end, but I am still fluctuating or inching down. I am not ready to bear hurt, and I pray for recovery.
It will be a long time before I see beauty and find happiness. All I ask for right now is for me to stop thinking of suicide and of giving up my A levels (yes these are my thoughts, the thoughts I can't/won't tell you to your face) and start moving somewhere (university/scholarship applications and A level revision).
Happy Deepavali to all.
Current Mood: Very sad.
(It's past 10 now and I wonder what people can do/say when there is a high probability it will hurt. Mom just said 'Eh' to remind me to sleep and it hurt. I don't know, and I feel like crying again. This is seriously disturbing. I thank God for the chance to write now. I need to write.)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 07:20 p.m.
I must be a villain of some sort, if not I would not always be so miserable. As an update, I broke down on Sunday and have not recovered since. My spiritual life is reduced to only a few half-hearted prayers here and there, no Quiet Time. I listened to worship music last night to comfort my crashing self. However, this morning I took out Wings as Eagles from my discman and put in Michelle Branch's The Spirit Room instead, which I'm not paying much attention to anyway.
I am physically and emotionally exhausted although I feel the physical weariness more intensely. My brain is tired, my eyes are closing, my shoulders are struggling to hold and I could collapse in my bed. To make it worse, it's only 3p.m., and I collapsed last night too. (And the day before that. And the day before the day before that.) I am incredibly tired and it's not like I've been doing any work. In fact, my productivity (for university applications and UCAS personal statement) is slow and I feel overwhelmed by lethargy.
I don't know whether I feel or if I'm numb. Nothing is concrete. Nothing is secure.
I thought a lot of suicide today.
I have also been tearing my nails.
To reinforce it all, I am disillusioned with relationships of all kinds. My family has hurt me. My friends have hurt me. I don't trust my friends. I don't want to be dependent, especially when people don't want me around. I am a failure at love.
I know that my family and friends did not mean to hurt me. But I'm not speaking up for them and I am not forgiving. I am too tired and stoned to do anything but watch myself hurl towards the edge.
I am too tired to recover. I am too tired to try.
I've been crying a lot and the day before I felt that God didn't care and wasn't there anymore. I can't feel God's love.
Everything's plunging and I'm withdrawing deeper and deeper into my shell. I don't want to share anymore. What am I going to do about this blog?
Someone said something today in response to my sharing that upset me and made me feel dependent and difficult, and that the world would be better off without me. I always feel that way anyway, but I thought I could trust him. Perhaps not. Human support gone. God gone.
I don't want to wallow in self-pity. I don't want to write death threats. I will not die for some reason, maybe because I'm too tired to. The living death is just like death anyway - no difference, I might as well live. The only thing that will propel me right to the end will most probably be another breakdown, or something agitating enough.
I am trying to surround myself with friends. I have been chatting to the friends whom I still trust, some of them friends I seldom talk to. I called 4 friends out (but 3 couldn't make it) and had lunch out of school with Sean the day before, had ice-cream cum lunch (for me) with Mei yesterday and also called Xin Yi out for coffee today. I am not letting myself go home alone. This is, perhaps, a last attempt to grasp at life, hope and happiness.
I don't know if I will go for Open House tomorrow. As every day passes I crash more and more and I look at myself trapped in a sea of happy faces knowing no one and belonging nowhere, and self-obliged to fake smiles and force happiness. Why do the councillors go for Open House? For the fun in dancing? For the reunion of the 29th? For the support of the juniors? I'm too sad to have fun. I don't (feel like I) belong to the 29th. The juniors, well, the juniors don't deserve me as their senior and they don't need my support. I'm too weak to support anyway even if I wanted to.
There's nothing much to say anymore. I'm beyond hope and help. I don't deserve any in the first place.
I feel selfish for saying 'I' all the time. I feel like a failure because I didn't do Maths from Monday onwards. I just couldn't. It was/is agonising going to school. I can't live anymore.
I wish you didn't say what you did. I wish I didn't tell you how I felt. What you said came across as a shout even though you probably didn't mean for it to and I'm not strong enough to take it now. I feel like crying but I'm too tired to. I'm just too difficult to please, too difficult, too sensitive, and everything is my fault. It is my fault because even if you hadn't said anything I was already sad and I would probably still be.
As I was back then, so I am back now, and only God can save me. Still God is far, and the barriers are up. Draw nigh unto me, Lord, as I draw nigh unto you.
I think I will go into a classroom and sleep for a while before I meet Xin Yi. Very tired.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:57 p.m.
This week's Friday Five isn't applicable to me 'cos it's about vehicles so I'll not do it.
I've had a really busy weekend. Time just flew yesterday though I was online a lot. Today I had church, Sunday School and lunch with Rachel, then went to get a haircut, came home and practised my violin, did my QT, washed up and went out for a group violin class before going to the optician's for an eye checkup for the purpose of making contact lenses and finally coming home to wash up and go for dinner. I am very tired.
Sunday School was interesting. Veronica's in the States now, so GL's taking over Sunday School for the moment. Today we introduced ourselves. I said I was Esther from Hwa Chong and I spend a lot of time on the computer. Then we picked out personal questions from a bag to answer so everyone would know everyone else a little better. The questions ranged from 'Why are you in Sunday School?' to 'What do you look for in a boyfriend?' to 'What if you fail your A levels this year?' to 'Do you think people who are not as rich or academically gifted are out of place here?' GL said the 'lucky draw' was one of grace, which meant that if we didn't feel comfortable answering what we picked we could pick again. No one did though. I got the joker, which meant that I didn't have to answer a question but could ask anyone in the room a question.
So I asked. GL. 'How do you know you love God, and it's not just in the mind?'
So he talked about Christianity being a relationship with God. You'll know that you love God. Some of the ways you know you love a person is when you want to be with that person and you want to do things that are associated with that person. Also, GL shared that the best way/a good way to love God is to love him with a friend, to have a friend love God together with you, pray for you and have you pray for him/her. He encouraged us to join a fellowship group and shared about his experiences in a fellowship group.
I like GL. He seems like a God-fearing Christian, yet friendly and approachable. He shares his experiences. He's young. He tries to be humorous. He's honest.
GL was also talking about Veronica today. He said that Sunday School should make a difference, that we should leave Sunday School knowing that it made an impact on us. Veronica really cares about us. She prays for us, she smses us and sometimes calls us up and she really prepares the Sunday School lessons very well. She has a lot of original insight to the Bible which is practical. She tries to understand us and know us better. We have Sunday School outings/dinners. One was at her house, one was at Tanglin Club. I really appreciate her. GL just came back from the States not too long ago, and just joined the Senior department as a Sunday School teacher. I appreciate him too. I will pray for them, that they will be close to God and that God will bless them richly as they serve him, and help them communicate what God has to say to us. I remember a prayer meeting a while ago which I decided to go on the spur of a moment. My father was asked to pray and he kept praying about the spiritual life of the missionaries. When I asked him why he kept praying for that, my dad said, 'No one prays that God will help us build this building that building, or raise how much money. Pray for the missionaries that they may walk close to God' or something like that. How true. This is what's important.
I was appeased. This morning I was very distracted and hardly paid attention to the hymns and the sermon. :( I was very angry. I kept scribbling on a piece of paper a very angry note to him. Friday I looked at his TYS and asked Sean whether I should return it to him. Sean said, 'Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar.' Yes, I should return him his things. I remembered yesterday night that since I'm going to return him his TYS (through Sean) I should return everything else as well. Which means his three books of Slam Dunk and all his Michael Card cds as well. I am also going to return items which have shared/unclear ownership e.g. the putty we/he bought during our picnic but never opened, Love Hina 10 and...
the one photo that we have of the two of us. I was very angry during service today 'cos I kept thinking of tearing it up. In my mind, I tore it up into halves and smaller halves...I could imagine the photo being torn apart. That is also shared ownership so it shall go to him.
Tomorrow I will also give him (through Sean) the gifts which he didn't take. I don't want to keep a cd holder with his name decorated all over it. Also, the empty tin which used to contain the rose which died, the tin which the people at the stall put a specially-trimmed rose into and filled with petals plucked off another flower. I remember that day when I was so grateful because the people at the stall were so full of initiative and wanted to help so much. The day when I went to the stall and said, 'Choose the best rose. It's for my boyfriend.'
I will not tear up the evidence that we were once together. That photo. I will leave him to do it. It is shared ownership. But perhaps it is for me to forget and to erase him from my memory, to treat as if he never existed.
Today I announced to Rachel Chia and Rachel Yeo that my heart has finally hardened. To love. I am anti-guy, anti-relationship, anti-marriage and anti-child. No more subservient feminism for me. No more romanticism. I have become a cynic, a strong-willed independent person. No guy will ever put me down again and forget it if I am going to submit myself to a guy or bear his children. No way. A relationship, marriage and pregnancy make one weak. I will now pursue success in other areas like working myself to death in journalism. I would have chosen modelling just to prove I could do it, and trust me, if I tried hard enough I could do it, but no I will not throw away my life. Journalism is very tough, but I may follow that road because there is nothing to hinder me now. I distrust guys intensely. My barriers are very high and I am on very high-alert guard. Guys will not break me down again. No way.
Unfortunately I knew I was walking down a very dangerous path. Because I had finally become a robot. My heart was hardened, I had become unfeeling and cruel. I am still constrained by my conscience but boy do I want to be a slave driver and lash the backs of all guys with a stinging metal whip. Previously I was heavily depressed - very very sad. Now I had become numb. Unfeeling. I just didn't feel anything anymore. That's why I keep thinking of suicide. Because life has no meaning. Because I don't feel.
When one is happy, one spreads the joy to all. When one is sad, one kills oneself with sorrow. Anger, conversely, is a defence mechanism. When one is angry, one lashes out at something or someone. Anger could be lashed out at oneself too. But it's more violent than sadness.
My take on things. 'It was good to have been in the house of the Lord.' This is true. I love God, I love church, I love the Bible and I love the Christian music that has been playing. I love my Christian friends. I love prayer, I love praying for myself and others, I love others praying for me. I'm grateful for all the Christian friends I have. I pray for them each time I pray (daily), either in a collective group or name by name. I pray for my non-Christian friends too.
I am depressed now -I was numb then I was sad to the point of tears, now I'm numb again. Thankfully I'm talking to two very beloved friends. May God draw me and my friends close to him, may He use me weak that I am, and may the next week be filled with His goodness and pleasure.
God bless.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:25 p.m.
There is a need to be strong. A need to look after myself. I must look to God.
I am not feeling. I am detached and numb.
I am pushing myself.
I know how to win this powerplay. Tonight I won.
I will not fall again.
This is very bad. This is extremely secular. I need to look to God. But the reason I'm doing this is that I believe it is necessary. I don't have a choice. Either I win, or they win.
I am stronger than you think I am. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
From this day on, no one will ever make me do what I don't want to do.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:49 a.m.
THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
last cigarette: N/A.
1. First Name: Esther.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:23 p.m.
Here are survey extracts taken off a blog I've been reading for quite some time and my answers to the questions. I don't do personality tests nowadays.
1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES?
2. WHAT BOOK(s) ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW?
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE?
6. FAVORITE SMELL?
7. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL?
8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING?
9. FAVORITE COLOR?
10. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR?
11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?
14. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
15. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
16. DO YOU FALL ASLEEP WITH THE TV ON?
17. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY?
18. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR YOU BOUGHT?
19. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE?
20. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
21. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN & YOUR BIRTHDAY?
22. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
23. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE?
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
25. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?
26. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
27. FAVORITE MOVIE?
28. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
29. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
30. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?
31. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
32. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR?
36. FAVORITE CD?
37. FAVORITE TV SHOWS?
38. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD?
39. HAMBURGERS OR HOTDOGS?
40. FAVORITE SOFT DRINK?
41. THE BEST PLACES YOU HAVE EVER BEEN?
42. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW?
43. BURGER KING OR MCDONALDS?
44. LAST CONCERT YOU WENT TO?
45. NEXT CONCERT YOU'RE GOING TO?
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
THREE THINGS I LOVE:
THREE THINGS I HATE:
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:23 p.m.
It's ok really. I know what I have to do and I know what to do.
Maybe I have an attitude problem. This morning while I was lying on my bed the phone rang. And rang and rang and rang. I didn't pick it up. I was waiting for the person to decide that there was no one at home and stop calling. Eventually he/she did, but only after a long time. I really dislike disturbances e.g. phone calls and people coming into my bedroom.
Plus I snapped at my mother this morning. I know she's probably concerned, but I just didn't want so much fuss. Even if I wake up at 1400 and it's 1500 already I'm not going to settle for bread and instant noodles for lunch. I was thinking of not eating - I mean I can probably occupy myself (incidentally I didn't eat lunch yesterday either, was doing Maths) but since my mom brought up the point about gastric ok I'll eat. I'll go out and eat. We don't live very far from a shopping centre. I'll just pop out and pop back in.
She just didn't want me to waste time travelling. Yes, but I felt that I shouldn't be treated like a baby anymore. Maybe I'm just not in a good mood now. Not excessively riled up or anything, but I just don't like people insisting on things especially when I know what I want to do. It's not like I'm ignoring them either - I'm telling them what I want to do explicitly. Yes, I am going for lunch, then I am coming home, and then I'm going out again for dinner. I would have wanted to eat dinner by myself too - I don't like going out with my family though I do spend dinners at home except on Saturday night and very occasional nights when I go out for dinner with other people. But ok, I'm going out for dinner with them.
I know that there are people who's decisions depend on mine. If I don't go out for dinner, my brother won't go. Maybe as I'm getting righted up again (out of depression and on to life) I'm starting to push away people? Yes, I admit I'm not as emotionally dependent on other people now and for that I'm glad -I feel stronger now- but I still care and I'm trying to care. In the midst of all the things I've set out to do I'm trying.
I am not that strong. I am not that strong-willed. I don't think this will is my own, but God's, for which I am thankful. I think there's as much a spiritual struggle when I'm well as when I'm in depression. Which is what it's supposed to be. Plus a spiritual struggle is evidence of a closer relationship with God.
God bless. Going out for lunch now.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 03:07 p.m.
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