Wednesday: Open House Rehearsal and Technical Run
The teachers were satisfied with the performances seen on Tuesday. Only CCAs which had not demonstrated their performances needed to perform. The Technical Run outside the auditorium was successful, ending before the Technical Run at the central plaza had started. I was frustrated with myself, because I was very much dependent on Shi Ning to run the show, the CCAs refused to listen and respond to me, there were many delays with PA/AVA and the Technical Run for Performance 4 was cancelled because after the first 3 performances, I found myself staring at a relatively empty space as all the CCA heads had disappeared from the venue. Wei Si lauded the CCA heads outside the auditorium for being really nice, and I agreed from my experience working with them the day before but I couldn’t say the same for the CCA heads I was working with in the Central Plaza. We did manage to watch the Indian Cultural Society perform though. Sherwayn and Xun Yu, our MCs, worked hard on the script. I had gone to the Sick Bay during Spring Cleaning to rest before working in the afternoon as I didn’t want to tire myself out too much. I also asked for leave off CL ‘AO’ as I had to be present to conduct the rehearsal which began immediately after the non-CL ‘AO’ people had finished school for the day.

Thursday: Open House Full Dress Rehearsal
Full Dress Rehearsal went well. Ailin said so, as did a few other councillors. I was pleased with my performance, as well as how the rehearsal went. For once it went smoothly and I was a lot more independent. I did get a little impatient though and spoke just a little harshly to Sherwayn and Xun Yu for something which wasn’t their fault. It was just that they hadn’t waited for the music to start playing before they introduced the next item. I took a while to get over this, for I rarely got impatient with people, especially fellow councillors. I had gone to the Sick Bay during Maths lecture and the first period of CL ‘AO’ to rest again, after much internal debate. While I didn’t enjoy skipping lessons, I knew I needed the rest and I had made full effort to get enough rest at home, sleeping almost immediately after reaching home each night, so I felt I wasn’t robbing myself of curriculum time. I was unhappy with DW at the beginning of the day as he had missed school as he was sick. While I knew he was genuinely sick, I felt unreasonably uncomfortable that he was skipping school while I was sick and yet forced to stay in school until late, plus he made me even madder by coming back to school just to hand up some work as I felt that if he had decided to skip school he might as well skip an entire day of school. While I usually come to school for council in the afternoon after skipping a day of school, I felt justified as council is something I strongly believe in and support, something which is very important to me. Besides that, I had actually asked OHCO to push their celebrations to another day instead of the next day as I had wanted to spend time with him, but he informed me that he had already agreed to go out with his parents, something which I felt was unforgivable because going out together at night had become something expected, and I felt that even if he had wanted to go out with his parents he could have told me in advance before making a concrete agreement, like I’d done with OHCO. Perhaps it was just the stress, the sickness and the tiredness that got to me, the fact that I hadn’t really blogged or come online in a while, and no one online seemed to remember me, getting on with life without me without even a mention of me on their blogs or a comment on my site, I felt lonely, and now that the last person in the world to stop caring about me seemed not to treat me as someone important just made me feel more upset, and I just railed and started crying right then and there at the bus stop. I think I’m too possessive and insecure. I just need to feel loved.

Friday: Open House!
It was the day we’d all been waiting for. Open House was a big success, and I was happy with just about everything and everyone. Granted there were problems with the programme, but I managed to run the Central Plaza performances well, and was flexible with changes and problems. Somehow I just knew what to do. The CCAs were late reporting and some of them were not ready even after the performance had started and they had told me they were ready earlier on (so I’d given the go-ahead for the performance to start) but I managed to let the performances run smoothly and on schedule (with some internal changes). Much credit has to be given to quite a few people. DW, for being there to accompany me throughout the day; Ailin, for advising me on dealing with certain problems; Mrs. Toh, OHCO teacher-in-charge, for just silently supervising the performances; PA/AVA, for responding to unexpected changes (there was once I made an internal switch and informed all CCAs concerned as well as the MCs, but forgot to inform PA/AVA, but they still managed to play the right music without a glitch); The CCA heads, for being patient with me (I could get very naggy because I wanted the programme to be good) and for organising and leading their CCAs; The DJs, for doing a good job throughout the day, especially Mu En, who went out of her way to catalog the songs of the many cds for dedication purposes, made the dedication forms, asked for a programme sheet for easy reference for all DJs, stayed at the DJ booth for the entire day to help out with the dedications even though she was only allocated two half-hour shifts, and always kept up a cheerful countenance; The backstage crew and the councillors who readily offered up their services to move the mobile stages and the red carpet (they had to move the red carpet because of a short rainfall early in the day which (thank God) didn’t persist. The councillors were very tired, as they had worked from before assembly doing preparations for Open House, then tour-guiding, then danced the council dances four times (not including extra rehearsals) that day itself. Their tiredness was evident from the last council performance, where many councillors could not follow the dance steps accurately (Don’t worry about it Nat!), and when I asked repeatedly for councillors to keep the red carpet at the end of Open House, Zhi Ming asked me to let them rest first and they would keep the carpet later as they were exhausted. I’m really impressed with the 29th this time around. Everything about Open House was good; the bags, the packaging, the goodies, the reception booth, the signs, the posters, the council booth, the council board, the programme… As Shi Ning said, we had everything on our side, including the weather, but I really appreciate the councillors for their effort, and for tirelessly training for the dances (they learnt 2 dances in one week!). Many times during work sessions (rehearsal for me, work sessions for them) I watched them dance on and on, and my heart ached because I saw how much effort they put and I thought they were being overworked even though I didn’t say a thing. You know what, 29th, you rock! You really do. The seniors came back in their secondary school uniforms and they watched the last performance and encouraged us with much applause and cheering. The last mass dance was great, with many people joining in, and although I wasn’t very good at the girl part (because I dance the guy part since I’m partnering a girl) I danced with DW. Wei Si gave me a hug at the end of Open House, and Shi Ning was really proud of me for handling the performances at the central plaza independently and well. Nat was also very encouraging. The councillors cheered, and we set out to clean-up. I admired the councillors as they cleaned up ever so efficiently even though they were tired. Some went home, and Wen Qi even went for French ‘AO’ lesson, but others stayed back in/outside the council room to dance or talk. OHCO had arranged to bring clothes to take a shower in school so we could go out for a celebration but I’d forgotten to bring a towel and the HCJC towels were sold out so Nat kindly went all the way up to the store room to get more towels. It was really cool walking up with Nat, talking with her, going to the store room and carrying all the towels out. We even stopped by this nice garden on the fourth floor of the school, a quiet secluded peaceful place where 2 chicks were supposedly buried. Nat even asked me to take the towel and go bathe first while she packed the towels into the cupboard. OHCO was nice waiting for me, and I enjoyed the cold shower. Ailin lent me a nice BLUE hair brush (somehow I’d forgotten my comb too) and we all went out of school happy as larks. The boys were going to stay over at Yue Sern’s house. I don’t know if the girls ever got to playing mahjong at someone’s place. OHCO went to Orchard Swensen’s and Marche but the queues were ever so long so we moved on only to find out that the Swensen’s at Spotlight was quite empty! Although we were unfairly treated there (the managing staff treated us like little children, probably because we were holding HC Open House bags like Secondary 4 students) we did have a great time. Most of us ordered baked rice (it’s the most value for money), Aishu ordered a salad (since she’s vegetarian) and Ailin ordered a Cheesy Beef Burger (since she’s meatatarian) which we finished (and cleaned our plates) in FIVE minutes. We topped the dinner with a big ice-cream each (I ordered banana split and I think everyone ate at least 2 to 3 scoops of ice cream, not including toppings. Laughter was abound (Shi Ning and I were in terrible laughing fits) and I amazed people by smiling non-stop. We talked about Open House (sort of had an informal evaluation) and other things we had in common and Sir Hong was just SO gentlemanly (he’s the only guy in OHCO). We’ve come a long way since the start of OHCO. One thing good about OHCO was that not many people chose it first choice for their committee so those who wanted it got it (i.e. nearly everyone who wanted to be here got in), but although we didn’t really click at the start and kept to ourselves and our existing cliques, we managed to bond and work together. We’ve also learnt a lot from working in Open House. I know I have. I was quite apprehensive about programme at first, thinking that I was more up to backstage work (i.e. planning the programme) than conducting the rehearsal, especially after the first two (failed) attempts but later I felt a lot more confident, and even managed to make quite a lot of friends out of the people from the performing CCAs I’d worked with. Open House was an experience which I truly enjoyed, and the busyness of it also got my mind off a lot of other things. It also made me appreciate DW more because he’d waited for me every single day after my work and listened while I talked about Open House work and its good points and bad points. After the meal, Gena, Shi Ning and I boarded the train home, and had a wonderful talk. Unfortunately, I had left my wallet in the council room and had to borrow money from Sharon, and because I didn’t have my key and my phone was out I was locked out of my house (which isn’t a good thing close to midnight). After resorting to repeated yelling, ringing the doorbell and banging on the doors of my house, my brother finally came out with a black face and tossed me the key rudely, altering my mood immensely.

But the whole day had a magical touch today, because before you left, you stood right in front of me and said goodbye, and then you kissed me on the right cheek, and it was a good kiss, a wonderful one, one that played over and over in my mind.

Saturday: PSG Talk on Effective Communication with Parents
PubCo informal 7.20a.m.. I came late, because I’d woke up late and forgotten to bring my handphone out of the house, resulting in me having to go home and take it again, besides, I was also in a bus accident. The bus and the lorry were moving on the same path, the bus on the left and the lorry on the right, then the bus turned right but the lorry turned left, forcing the bus to turn left as well. So the lorry crashed into the bus and damaged it, and the bus was redirected to another route, and had to make a detour to get back onto the right track before depositing us at the bus stop to catch the next bus. Unfortunately I had only brought enough coins for one bus trip (my EasyLink card needed topping up) but DW came down to pick me up. I was surprised when Yexiang wanted me to jot down minutes for the informal because I am not supposed to take minutes for informals, but I was too tired to argue with him (besides I was late and ashamed of it) so I did take down the minutes in my diary, and for once they were neat and organised (usually they aren’t because I jot down things in patches and clumps). DW and I enjoyed a nice breakfast of cakes (although he bought the wrong thing –was supposed to have bought rice cakes instead-) before going for the PSG Talk. The PSG Talk was quite a waste of time. The head of the Parents Support Group was, as Si Jia said, ‘sucking up’, just like Dogberry from Much Ado About Nothing methinks, merely regurgitating whatever was said by the other speakers, speaking out of point and moralising. The vice-head was quite frankly, irritatingly fake and superficial with nothing of substance to say. Guest Speaker A/P Low Guat Tin was entertaining, but what gave her the right to talk about effective communication with parents when she was not a parent herself? Guest of Honour Deputy Speaker For Parliament (forgot her name) was ok, with something to contribute but I was tired, and I did nod off during parts of the talk. I was quite sick (-been suffering from flu-) and tired but I managed to feel just a little better to go out with DW for a quick lunch (didn’t even want to eat at first) and I felt A LOT better after telling him two stories! And he just listened, and we talked… Then I came home and washed up, and slept almost immediately from 2-6p.m., went out with my family (whom I hadn’t seen in 3 days) until 9.10p.m. (we ate at Kenny Rogers Roasters, Great World City!) and I caught I Not Stupid before coming online for a while, talking to DW on the phone, and then going to sleep. I was quite deliriously happy, laughing at a lame joke I’d quite naturally cracked to DW during breakfast, but later when I called him and he was busy I felt quite sad (as I said, I’m very insecure) and started to think. Nevertheless I was quite tired, and slept until morning. I felt quite sad also that another Saturday was gone (the loss of free time still bothers me).

Sunday: Church 52nd Anniversary Service
I was upset today because I had a nightmare of my GP tutor and I remembered what she did (I never got over it) and then I remembered some of the mean comments people posted on this blog, after which I was suddenly plunged into low self-esteem, made even worse by my mom’s being unhappy at me for being just a little late. Because we were celebrating the church’s 52nd anniversary today, the service was at 9.30a.m. instead of 8a.m. (a combination of the 8a.m. and 10.30a.m. services) and the sanctuary was packed full with people. It was great singing the hymns with so many saints, and joyful seeing so many baptised and reaffirming their faith. I heard myself belt out the songs, but I was upset and aloof, and the woman beside me was self-injuring. Later I got on a 66 straight to Jurong Point to meet Xin Yi, where we had a great chat, a nice Fish & Co. lunch (marinated catch-of-the-day), soft cookie from Famous Amos and to top it all of, the original Ultimate Ice-Blended at half price from Coffee Bean (we’d finished yet another discount card). It was great walking around the shops and talking and laughing. Once again, I was reminded why she’s my best friend. I doubt a lot, and I need such moments to spur me on to believe again. She stayed in the library and I went straight for violin lesson, where I felt a lot better because I have the ability to sight-read pieces and my violin skills are improving even though the only time I play the violin is once a week during violin lessons. I went home straight after violin and blogged, bathed, played the piano, had dinner, worked on DW’s prezzie (and finished it!) and blogged some more, and managed to talk to DW during different parts of the day. The poor guy’s been in hospital for quite a while because his cousin’s hospitalised and his uncle suddenly got admitted today. I hope things work out. During the piano-playing session I suddenly felt troubled, and I went upstairs to pray and read Psalm 1-9. I hadn’t been reading the Bible for a long time on my own and I felt very insecure. I’ve not been feeling good lately, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Many sermons lately have been on the assurance of salvation, and I was confronted with this intense fear today: Am I saved? I believe so, and I’m choosing to let time work wonders, but meanwhile I pray I will be close to God. As I was walking out of church today, the wind was blowing and a leaf fell onto me, and I remembered Serene telling me that if a leaf falls onto you, make a wish and it will come true, so I did. I prayed to God, wanting originally to ask him for salvation, but instead I asked him to help me not to doubt love.

I want you to hold me by the shoulders, look me in the eye and tell me you love me. And if you do that, I will tell you straight to your face that I love you too. Because I do. I always did.