Autumn Song (14) - The Kingdom of Heaven is at Hand

Autumn Song

~*~

We Three Kings [click here]

Words & Music: John H. Hopkins, Jr., 1857

We three kings of Orient are;
Bearing gifts we traverse afar,
Field and fountain, moor and mountain,
Following yonder star.

Refrain

O star of wonder, star of light,
Star with royal beauty bright,
Westward leading, still proceeding,
Guide us to thy perfect light.

Born a King on Bethlehem’s plain
Gold I bring to crown Him again,
King forever, ceasing never,
Over us all to reign.

Refrain

Frankincense to offer have I;
Incense owns a Deity nigh;
Prayer and praising, voices raising,
Worshipping God on high.

Refrain

Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes a life of gathering gloom;
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,
Sealed in the stone cold tomb.

Refrain

Glorious now behold Him arise;
King and God and sacrifice;
Alleluia, Alleluia,
Sounds through the earth and skies.

Refrain

~*~

Sunday, November 30, 2003

May the Lord Find Us Faithful | Mac Lynch

Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful -- 1 Corinthians 4:2

God has not given us the spirit of fear,
But has given us the strength to obey.
With power and sound mind, with love, the unfailing kind,
O be not ashamed of His way.

Chorus:
May the Lord find us faithful.
May His Word be our banner held high.
May the Lord find us faithful
Ev'ry day, though we live, though we die.

No man that seeketh after things of this life
Is a soldier who passes the test.
Be faithful, be working, be running, be serving,
Be searching His Word for His best.

Chorus

Living or dying, may honor be Thine.
From this wretched life, You loved and forgave.
A life that is on fire, be only our heart's desire.
Be faithful from now to the grave.

Chorus

I sung this song twice today. Once at the Combined Fellowships Camp briefing, the second time at Sunset Gospel Hour.

God drew me back to Him during Sunset Gospel Hour. I was there 15 minutes early, so I had time to pray and ask God to search my heart, and prepare for worship. Then the pre-worship singspiration started, and thank God I paid full attention to all the songs, hymns and the sermon. Someone a little strange was sitting beside me, but I closed my eyes and made an effort to concentrate and not be distracted and also told myself not to judge but to love and be compassionate.

I learnt a lot of new songs and hymns I'd never sung before today and enjoyed the singing. At the end of the service, I consecrated myself again to God.

Thank God I just had enough money in my wallet (+) to buy the church dinner. The milo was good. Jevon and Daniel came to talk. :) Then on the way home I met Benjamin, but just said hi and walked ahead. Heard someone say 'bye' but didn't know if he was saying it to me - anyway I met him on the bus later ('cos we'd walked to different bus stops) and said bye to him before I got off at my stop.

1. I feel better.

2. My layout is still not up yet, and I have a lot of blogs I want to read.

3. Read a bit of Time magazine earlier. Need to prepare for SPH writing test.

4. I've decided to be involved in the church's music ministry. Smsed the person in charge, he said we'll talk at the Combined Fellowships Camp. Am looking forward to the camp on Friday - I'll be away for some time from Fri onwards but I'm looking forward to the spiritual retreat/refreshment and I'm also quite optimistic about the China trip as an eyeopener and a writing trip for me.

5. Wrote down some points in my notebook today (the one which Ge gave me) to remind me to speak of those topics soon. Also have inspiration for a new poem which I wrote down, it would be good to follow up on it but I really have a lot of things to do.

6. (Important) I realise that the moment I bounce out of depression I automatically start involving myself in a lot of things again and getting started on the things I haven't been doing as a result of depression. This may be dangerous because I may be pushing myself too much, leading a lifestyle that I'm not ready for.

7. Am very tired. Was already tired this morning 'cos of depression, got a hangover from crying too much last night (headache) and 'cos I slept at 2+ a.m. last night trying to rush my layout (rushed it this afternoon also but had a lot of problems with it and I want to leave it on hold now) but thank God I was quite awake earlier, enough to really concentrate, and I had a good lunch and sharing session with Rachel Yeo today, at Scotts, at the camp briefing and later when she wanted to go to Venezia and we had 3 scoops of ice cream each (I ate Dark Chocolate, Cookies and Cream and Lemon). :) Am washing up, doing Quiet Time then going to sleep. Tired.

Good night and God bless.

And I do appreciate the pple who have commented, really. During the day I do remember comments and I feel encouraged by every single word.

Tomorrow's plans (hopefully)
1. Layout
2. Blogs
3. E-mail/Friendster (Bulletin boards)
4. SPH preparations: Watch Channel News Asia, read Time, BBC websites?

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:34 p.m.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Going for Sunset Gospel Hour later. Jevon invited me. Thank God. Maybe it'll help me get focused.

Am oversensitive. Heart hurting.

Am convinced no one understands. I read too much into speech and body language.

Sigh keep falling. Someone pull me up.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 04:55 p.m.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

Broke down just now and kept crying. Hanky wet. Just stopped.

Thank God he came online when I was just finishing up a very hurting/hurtful entry. And then Nat and Hui Jun came online too. So we talked and shared a lot. I told him the truth and he did too, just thrashed things out, for which I appreciate greatly, and I did appreciate the support from Nat and Hui Jun too.

Deleted the entry.

I suppose I feel better. I'm tired, but I'm not as tired as I've been the entire day. I'm not faking my smiles. I'm still depressed but am becoming just a little more focused on God.

I needed that talk. I really needed to know. I needed to have my questions answered and my distortions corrected. And I'm glad that I won't lose a friend tonight. I really thought I would. In fact, I admire him a lot more because I saw sincerity and effort. I am not confident this won't repeat itself, but in the event it does I must remember this incident.

When I'm depressed (i.e. now), many things happen.

I lose the ability to think clearly. My thinking becomes distorted and I become more irrational and emotional. Little things can trigger off strong emotions and tears. I cannot get rid of my distorted thoughts and emotions using logic because I may know something, but as long as I don't feel it it does not matter. Hence it is important for me to talk to someone so that the other person can use objective logic to help me overcome my distortions. Unfortunately, I don't feel like talking to people. I don't call, sms or initiate conversations. But I blog and change my MSN nick to tell people that something is wrong.

However this may make things worse because if people read my blog and MSN nick and don't bother to comment or initiate conversations, I start to feel no one cares. I end up feeling disillusioned with my friendships, and start withdrawing. I can't imagine how people I consider my friends could see that something is wrong and not even bother to ask why, especially when I would if the tables were turned. At this point, I need affirmation more than ever - I need to know that I'm important and people do care. Because I follow my emotions more than reason at this point I cannot rely on my own thoughts and feelings to know that I matter. I need people to tell me.

When I'm depressed I feel inferior. Tasks, duties and opportunities overwhelm me. I am unable to do them, and I don't want to. Thus depression sets me back for a while in accomplishing my goals - but it is this that makes it a protective mechanism because it is a signal that something is wrong and a natural body reflex to force me to stop and take a breather, and let all the stress out.

Usually this inferiority complex extends to self blame. I feel that my emotions are unvalidated and accuse myself of faking depression. I accuse myself of being selfish. I feel that people don't understand and that many are laughing at me. I feel that I am giving out wrong signals which may be detrimental, a stumbling block, to Christians, and especially non-Christians. I am afraid that people will think that my faith is a sham since the peace I have with God apparently lasts only a while before I fall back to depression again. However, God works through weakness. Still, I feel a responsibility to behave a certain way because I am accountable to God.

Problems of the past come back when I'm depressed. Perceived unstable and tumultuous friendships are threatened. Because depression was one of the more valid reasons that DW cited for wanting a breakup, whenever I'm depressed I'm additionally threatened by the idea that people are saying hurtful things like 'See, you're always depressed and you can never get out of it. No wonder he wanted a breakup.' I wonder if depression is a hindrance to friendship. It was a hindrance to some. Ge said it isn't for my friendship with him. It would help if other friends answered this question.

When I'm not depressed, bible verses and thoughts of God encourage me mentally and automatically. When I'm depressed I lose my focus on God. The thoughts stop at the point 'I am a sinner'. I am unable to think further to 'But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.' (Romans 5:8). The thoughts stop where 'I am unworthy.' Bible verses don't come automatically. My mind is a whirl and none of my thoughts are focused on God. My thoughts are focused on myself and my inadequacy, I am so numb I don't feel that I love God, I don't feel like I want to serve, I don't feel anything. I don't feel that God is near even though I know that he is.

Prayer is open but when I'm depressed I don't feel like praying. Hence I ask people to pray for me because I need the strength of prayer but am unable to do it on my own. Thank God the Bible also comforts, although I don't feel like reading it too. I believe that it is important while I am not depressed to write down portions of scripture on cards which will comfort and encourage, because when I'm depressed these passages don't naturally come to mind.

Depression is a reality. But perhaps it is getting more infrequent and is lasting shorter periods. I am not sure about this but I know I have enjoyed quite a long period of rest (although this knowledge may be mere subjective perception). Perhaps I should take note of this.

In conclusion, I believe that depression is something that requires a lot of work both during depression, but more importantly during non-depressive periods as well. I must be more diligent and must never be too confident or proud that I'm over depression. It comes back. Depression is not about circumstances but about the way we perceive them and the tools we have to handle problems. During depression, the tools are lost or malfunctioning. What I need to do when I'm not depressed is to train my mechanism for finding or repairing the tools which I need to do by correcting my doubts and distortions and becoming closer to God and writing things down to refer to when I'm depressed. Talking to friends helps a great deal because there are answers I remember and which I hold on to which will help me when my thinking becomes distorted. However when I'm depressed what I also need is an external help to catalyse the finding and repair process - to make it faster and to sometimes do the work for me when I can't do it on my own, to find the right wire, the right point, the right screw. It is only through constant effort and grace and guidance from God that this problem will ever truly be healed, and yet, it's a long journey, a long journey to healing, but a long journey that will make me stronger and closer to God and all my friends.

God bless.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:49 p.m.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

Sian.

Convinced that I don't have a single friend on the face of this earth.

Don't know where's everyone and won't bother to ask.

Maybe I should just stop talking. Maybe I should just shut down my blog.

Crying, but no one hears. The world always revolves around me, doesn't it. Being irrational. Just sick and tired of everything. Of living.

I just get the feeling that I always have to pretend around people. No one wants to be around a depressed person. It's not that my happiness wasn't real. It was. But now I'm sad. I'm just sad. And because I'm sad I can't think clearly anymore.

Honestly, if I cried to you, WOULD YOU CARE?! No. You wouldn't. And I'm selfish for demanding so much.

Now I feel like just dying and forgetting about every single friend I have. Too tired to maintain friendships and no one knows something's wrong anyway.

Talking nonsense now. I know. But I guess no one listens anyway so I'll just slink off into the darkness forgotten.

It's not like I deserve friendships either. I deserve NOTHING.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:52 p.m.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

Slept a lot.

Woke up at 11.11a.m., then slept again from 1+p.m. to nearly 6p.m.. Didn't eat lunch. Thank God I ate 3 paus for breakfast and drunk one small bottle of vitagen. Also read 4 chapters of Luke.

Going out for dinner later.

I feel quite alone. Somewhat abandoned. The guys are always first to get it because my friendship with guys is not as stable as with girls. This time I'm not angry with the bulk of the guys though. But I'm angry with two guys in particular. One is someone who apparently doesn't care. One is someone who says he cares. Both of them are the most sensitive guys I've ever seen. Both guys have their pet names for me i.e. they don't call me by my actual name. And believe it or not these guys are the guys whom I have a soft spot for, affection and care, not love, and I'm just upset because we aren't as close enough as I would want it to be, and we were never close enough. It's not that these guys are distant, they have plenty of friends, both guys and girls, it's just that I'm not one of them, I feel, and because I care too much for them if you two aren't going to treat me better then why not just drop this friendship.

I hate whining and being so sa3 jiao1. I should stop thinking about them (again). This isn't the first time I've felt this way - it's been like that for months. I keep resigning myself to this because I've talked to both of them, I've hinted, and maybe they tried a bit but it doesn't work. Maybe we just don't click.

I just don't like any gray spots. I don't like hi-bye friends, although some people will inevitably have to be, and it's good for me if they are. If I could, if I had a choice, there are a lot of friendships I would want to drop. It's just I don't have the heart to tell you straight in the face that we just don't click and I don't want to try anymore.

But then I remember what I talked about to Hui Jun earlier about God placing them in my life. Yes, if the focus is on God everything works out. Now the focus is on me. It's something I need to work out soon. I think I just burned out. Maybe I need a spiritual retreat. More on that later. Need to rush to bathe.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 05:39 p.m.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

Friday Five November 28, 2003

1. Do you like to shop? Why or why not?
Yes, I like shopping very much because I like looking at beautiful things.

2. What was the last thing you purchased?
4 gifts and 1 kit kat chunky.

3. Do you prefer shopping online or at an actual store? Why?
At an actual store. The experience is more envelopingly magical and I can look and touch as well. I love toys, gifts, books and shiny things.

4. Did you get an allowance as a child? How much was it?
My first allowance was 50 cents a day.

5. What was the last thing you regret purchasing?
Do you want me to name every single gift I thought of, bought and decorated and...

were eventually rejected? Not a blatant rejection i.e. 'I don't want this.' Rejection = total ignoring.

Still
Words and Music by Reuben Morgan

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

I'm feeling awful now. I ~~want to cry~~ am crying. I think I'll go pray and read the Bible.

I HATE ALL OF YOU IDIOT GUYS ESPECIALLY YOU AND YOU.

I HATE HAVING MY FEELINGS TOYED WITH. IF YOU DIDN'T INTEND TO KEEP UP A PROPER RELATIONSHIP/FRIENDSHIP THEN WHY DID YOU TAKE MY HEART AND PLAY WITH IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHY?!?!?!?! WHY?!?!?!?!

Self-destruction begins now. Leave me alone. -hiss-

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:22 p.m.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

Was out from 9a.m. to past 11.30p.m.! Had a great time with Hui Jun.

Am very tired now despite the shower, so it's QT then bedtime. Will update more soon and expound more on the great day another time.

I'm worried about my layout and other commitments. I have a lot of writing I need to do but I don't have the luxury of time to sit down and wait for inspiration to strike, nor the relaxed mood to write poetry either. Distortions are hurling themselves at me from all angles and I'm blaming myself and getting irrational and angry with everything and nothing. I am not feeling and thinking.

But prayer is still open. I had a good prayer just now. The verses on my blog still comfort me. And I am thankful for Christian friends who continually encourage.

There are two important matters in church.
a) Daniel1 invited me for Youth Fellowship. Which made me suddenly aware of my commitment to join the Youth Fellowship. Why not now? I would go if I could spare the time. I can't spare the time.
b) The church has a lack of pianists for service. People have encouraged me to go for the induction (audition). The problem is, I hadn't played the piano in months and yesterday when I just felt like playing the piano I realised with shock that I'd become rusty. I could polish up my skills I don't have the time to. Besides, I am facing spiritual struggles and I am not thinking or feeling committed to serve God. I am wrapped up in myself and unable to get out of this mood.

Then again, Youth Fellowship would draw me closer to God. Even if I feel like I'm toying with God and seeking Him only when I need comfort and encouragement (This could be a distortion, but right now my mind is so distorted that I am unsure as to what is and what isn't a distortion), it is true that God uses our weaknesses to get our attention and draw us to Him and the fact that I'm calling out to God, whatever the motive, can only be good. The SPH writing test is only on Thursday, it's not too near and I can surely spare a few hours to go for Youth Fellowship. My talents are not natural gifts. They are used by God for His purposes. There is a need in the church, and by God's will I can satisfy it. Perhaps I should not worry as Moses did (about going to Egypt and leading God's people out of their slavery), for God uses weaknesses, and if it is His will I will serve in His ministry. If not, surely I can take a rejection at the induction. After all, it's not about me, it's about God, and what He does for me and through me in spite of my weaknesses.

I'd like to say more, but I want some rest. I'm thankful as it is that I can think a little more clearly to say what has been said above. I was not so clear and calm just now on the train ride home, and it was not due to circumstances, it was just an accumulated process of losing my focus and falling. But I know that I have not fallen badly, God will not let me fall beyond repair, and the assurance still remains 'Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:' (Matthew 7:7). May I sincerely desire an intimate personal relationship with God and may He draw me back and closer to Him.

To Hui Jun and Daniel2: I have prayed for you, for your responses to your results, and also that God will give you the desires of your hearts and help you do well. All the best sincerely.

Good night, God bless and keep praying. More thanksgiving updates soon.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:34 a.m.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Mark 11
22 And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God.
24 Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
25 And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
26 But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.

Mark 12
29 And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord:
30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.
31 And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.
41 And Jesus sat over against the treasury, and beheld how the people cast money into the treasury: and many that were rich cast in much.
42 And there came a certain poor widow, and she threw in two mites, which make a farthing.
43 And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury:
44 For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.

Mark 13
11 But when they shall lead you, and deliver you up, take no thought beforehand what ye shall speak, neither do ye premeditate: but whatsoever shall be given you in that hour, that speak ye: for it is not ye that speak, but the Holy Ghost.
33 Take ye heed, watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is.
34 For the Son of Man is as a man taking a far journey, who left his house, and gave authority to his servants, and to every man his work, and commanded the porter to watch.
35 Watch ye therefore: for ye know not when the master of the house cometh, at even, or at midnight, or at the cockcrowing, or in the morning:
36 Lest coming suddenly he find you sleeping.
37 And what I say unto you I say unto all, Watch.

Mark 14
36 And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.
38 Watch ye and pray, lest ye enter into temptation. The spirit truly is ready, but the flesh is weak.

Mark 15
25 And it was the third hour, and they crucified him.
34 And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? which is, being interpreted, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
37 And Jesus cried with a loud voice, and gave up the ghost. [Highlighted this just as a technical fact and also to remind that Jesus bled to death on the cross with wounds (from the flogging and crown of thorns) and nails pierced in his hands and feet for SIX WHOLE HOURS.]

The Last Supper, Crucifixion and Resurrection - Key Verses

Matthew 26
26 And as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and blessed it, and brake it, and gave it to the disciples, and said, Take, eat; this is my body.
27 And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink ye all of it;
28 For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins.
29 But I say unto you, I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom. [When I read this I was just struck by the word 'you'. Indeed 'what is man, that thou art mindful of him'? This is perfect love, a sacrifice for sinners.]
37 And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be sorrowful and very heavy.
38 Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me.
39 And he went a little farther, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.
41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.
42 He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done. [Note the differences in the underlined phrases in verses 39 and 42.]
44 And he left them, and went away again, and prayed the third time, saying the same words.
48 Now he that betrayed him gave them a sign, saying, Whomsoever I shall kiss, that same is he: hold him fast.
49 And forthwith he came to Jesus, and said, Hail, master; and kissed him.
50 And Jesus said unto him, Friend, wherefore art thou come? Then came they, and laid hands on Jesus and took him. [I find Jesus' response quite heartwrenching.]
53 Thinkest thou that I cannot now pray to my Father, and he shall presently give me more than twelve legions of angels?
54 But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be? ***
56 But all this was done, that the scriptures of the prophets might be fulfilled. Then all the disciples forsook him, and fled.
59 Now the chief priests, and elders, and all the council, sought false witness against Jesus, to put him to death;
60 But found none: yea, though many false witnesses came, yet found they none. At the last came two false witnesses,
63 But Jesus held his peace, And the high priest answered and said unto him, I adjure thee by the living God, that thou tell us whether thou be the Christ, the Son of God.
64 Jesus saith unto him, Thou hast said: nevertheless I say unto you, Hereafter shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.
65 Then the high priest rent his clothes, saying, He hath spoken blasphemy; what further need have we of witnesses? behold, now ye have heard his blasphemy.
66 What think ye? They answered and said, He is guilty of death.
67 Then did they spit in his face, and buffeted him; and others smote him with the palms of their hands,
68 Saying, Prophesy unto us, thou Christ, Who is he that smote thee?
75 And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly.

Matthew 27
5 And he cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself. [This 'he' refers to Judas Iscariot, who betrayed Jesus.]
13 Then said Pilate unto him, Hearest thou not how many things they witness against thee?
14 And he answered him to never a word; insomuch that the governor marvelled greatly.
15 Now at that feast the governor was wont to release unto the people a prisoner, whom they would. [The feast refers to the Passover feast (Matt 26:2). Jesus was crucified 2 days after it.]
17 Therefore when they were gathered together, Pilate said unto them, Whom will ye that I release unto you? Barabbas, or Jesus which is called Christ?
18 For he knew that for envy they had delivered him.
19 When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him.
23 And the governor said, Why, what evil hath he done? But they cried out the more, saying, Let him be crucified.
25 Then answered all the people, and said, His blood be on us, and on our children.
26 Then released he Barabbas unto them: and when he had scourged Jesus, he delivered him to be crucified.
28 And they stripped him, and put on him a scarlet robe.
29 And when they had platted a crown of thorns, they put it upon his head, and a reed in his right hand: and they bowed the knee before him, and mocked him, saying, Hail, King of the Jews!
30 And they spit upon him, and took the reed, and smote him on the head.
31 And after that they had mocked him, they took the robe off from him, and put his own raiment on him, and led him away to crucify him.
34 They gave him vinegar to drink mingled with gall: and when he had tasted thereof, he would not drink.
35 And they crucified him, and parted his garments, casting lots: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, They parted my garments among them, and upon my vesture did they cast lots.
36 And sitting down they watched him there;
37 And set up over his head his accusation written, THIS IS JESUS THE KING OF THE JEWS.
39 And they that passed by reviled him, wagging their heads,
40 And saying, Thou that destroyest the temple, and buildest it in three days, save thyself. If thou be the Son of God, come down from the cross.
41 Likewise also the chief priests mocking him, with the scribes and elders, said,
42 He saved others; himself he cannot save. If he be the King of Israel, let him now come down from the cross, and we will believe him.
43 He trusted in God; let him deliver him now, if he will have him: for he said, I am the Son of God. ***
44 The thieves also, which were crucified with him, cast the same in his teeth.
45 Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land unto the ninth hour.
46 And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
47 Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias.
48 And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink.
49 The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him.
50 Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
51 And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent;
52 And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose,
53 And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.

Matthew 28
11 Now when they were going, behold, some of the watch came into the city, and shewed unto the chief priests all the things that were done.
12 And when they were assembled with the elders, and had taken counsel, they gave large money unto the soldiers,
13 Saying, Say ye, His disciples came by night, and stole him away while we slept.
14 And if this come to the governor's ears, we will persuade him, and secure you.
15 So they took the money, and did as they were taught: and this saying is commonly reported among the Jews until this day.
18 And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth.
19 Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:
20 Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

The Last Supper, Crucifixion and Resurrection - Summary

1. The Last Supper - symbolism of bread and wine
2. Jesus prays thrice, disciples are found sleeping thrice.
3. Judas betrays Jesus with a kiss.
4. Jesus knows He can still choose not to die, but He lets Himself be taken.
5. The other 11 disciples whom he trusted left Him and ran away.
6. The religious leaders who should have known better falsely accuse Him because they want to get rid of Him 'out of envy'. But their claims are, of course, unjustified.
7. Two false witnesses accuse Jesus. He remains silent throughout all the accusations.
8. The High Priest asks Jesus if He is 'the Christ, the Son of God'. He tells the truth, but is accused of having blasphemed.
9. The religious leaders condemn Jesus to death, 'spit in his face' and hit Him, mocking His power. Jesus does not retaliate.
10. Peter denies Jesus thrice after previously saying that he would 'never be offended' by Jesus (Matt 26:33). When he realises his error, he weeps bitterly.
11. Judas gives the money he received as payment for Jesus' betrayal to the temple and commits suicide. Contrast this unrepentant action with the repentant sadness of Peter.
12. Jesus is taken before Pilate. He maintains His silence.
13. Pilate wants to release one prisoner for the Passover feast and asks if the people want Jesus to be released. The chief priests and scribes influence the people so they call for Barabbas' (an infamous rebel charged with murder) release instead.
14. Pilate is advised by his wife against being involved with Jesus, who is 'just'.
15. Pilate is unable to find any wrong in Jesus but the people press for His crucifixion, to the extent that they are willing to have themselves and their children suffer the consequences of His murder.
16. Pilate gives in to the people. He releases Barabbas, scourges Jesus and condemns Him to death by crucifixion.
17. Jesus is mocked and given vinegar to drink.
18. The soldiers cast lots for Jesus' clothes.
19. Jesus is further mocked by people, passersby and even the two thieves He is crucified with. They scorn Him for His true prophecies and for seemingly not being able to save Himself while He has saved others. Apparently the miracles He has wrought to 'save others' physically have not touched the people's hearts. Ironically, Jesus is giving them a way of spiritual salvation by dying on the cross. He endures the scorn and stays suffering, painfully bleeding to death on the cross while everyone watches and mocks.
20. At the point where all the people (religious leaders, the people whom he healed/fed/saved, every single disciple) have rejected Him, GOD TURNS HIS FACE AWAY BECAUSE JESUS HAS ON HIMSELF ALL THE SINS (PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE) OF THE WHOLE WORLD.
21. Jesus cries and is misunderstood. More vinegar and heartlessness.
22. Jesus cries and DIES.
23. At the point of His death the veil of the temple is ripped from top to bottom. In the past, one high priest could only enter the Holy of Holies, separated from the rest of the temple by the veil, once a year, during which he offered sacrifices for the sins of himself and of all the people. He had to cleanse himself and do a lot of rituals. Everything had to be exactly right and the people and the high priest always prayed hard because if God was not pleased, the high priest would die. With Jesus' death, God has reached man, sins are forgiven, the pathway to salvation paved, and man can fellowship freely with God. Jesus is the high priest who gave Himself for a sinless sacrifice so we might gain eternal forgiveness.
24. The saints are raised from the dead and appear to many people in the city.
25. 3 days after His death, Jesus rose from the dead as prophesied.

=======

Lit Paper 8 - Comment and Appreciation (Unseen) comprises 4 questions, usually one prose piece, one drama extract, two poems for comparison and contrast, and one poem. These pieces have not been seen by the candidates before the exam. Candidates are required to write a critical appreciation of any 2 works in 3 hours.

The first thing I thought of when I read all the pieces for analysis was 'BORING. UTTERLY BORING.'

One of the major themes, the ONLY THEME, the RECURRENT THEME of the prose piece was birth. Labour. And I quote from the extract, 'agonising labour'. The moment I saw the line at the beginning of the extract that said that the daughter-in-law went to hospital I just knew it. Labour in the hospital at the same time as a very violent storm was raging outside. The natural chaos was portrayed to be very harsh and relentless. It was like they were throwing it in my face 'Look! Natural chaos vs internal physical chaos (labour) -> OBVIOUS link!!! Reflection!!!'

Well, if I may ~~say~~ SCREAM, I HATE LABOUR. I HATE BIRTH. I REALLY HATE THAT TOPIC. WHEN I SEE ANY MENTION OF IT I FEEL LIKE HURTING MYSELF IMMEDIATELY.

It wasn't tough (they were literally THROWING all the ideas at me), but of course I didn't do it. I'm not angry because I didn't do the question. I'm angry because I HAD to see such a topic. -screams and yells in frustration- Grr.

The drama was on a Shakespeare piece that was really very boring. No action. It didn't give me any impression. I completely did not understand it. One big cross over the question mark. Definitely not doing.

Which leaves two questions, which I took quite a long time to decide too 'cos the labour one was annoying but not difficult.

The poems were all boring. So boring I really feel like killing myself. Nothing on love. Nothing on religion.

I HATE WAR POEMS. I HATE POEMS THAT SOUND VAGUELY LIKE WAR POEMS. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO TALK ABOUT THAN THE FUTILITY OF LIFE? ENOUGH OF PESSIMISM PLEASE!

I did the last question first. The poem. It didn't interest me and I felt that I was making a mountain out of a molehill (i.e. overinterpreting), but at the end of my critical appreciation I did learn a lot more about the poem, a lot more than I would have if I didn't analyse it.

Was choosing between the prose and the second last question. Chose comparison and contrast in the end, which I didn't finish but which I felt was analysed quite ok.

So on the whole PC was ok, thank God, but I am extremely infuriated right now with the paper. I'm not denying the value of these works of literature, but I felt that better and more interesting works could have been chosen. These were just plain B-O-R-I-N-G.

By the way, SPH called, thank God. I'm scheduled for a 3h writing and grammar test on the 4th of December, 2p.m..

I have been, and still am in a very bad mood at the moment. It's not just the PC paper. It's not just today. It's an accumulation. And I feel that people won't understand. In summary, I'm stressed. I'm stressed because I have too much to do. Too many friends to meet, too many things to buy, too many things to give, too many things to write, too many things to read, too many things to do. And I have very little time. I'm worried. And it's physically taking its toll on me. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I don't even have the heart to read and analyse the Bible. :( Please pray.

Please don't EVER say that I have time after the A levels. Or that I can relax. Or that I can enjoy. Please DO NOT say that.

Maybe people should read my blog. Then they wouldn't make comments that really hurt. But it's not about them. It's not their fault. I'm not angry with them.

Maybe, Esther, you should stop focusing on your very narrow little world and focus on more godly things.

I need to talk. And I need someone to understand.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:42 p.m.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Matthew 21
22 And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

Matthew 22
29 Jesus answered and said unto them, Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God.
37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
38 This is the first and great commandment.
39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Matthew 23
11 But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.
12 And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.
22 And he that shall swear by heaven, sweareth by the throne of God, and by him that sitteth thereon. [Swearing is a serious matter. We are not to be careless with our speech.]

Matthew 24
[We're living in the end times. Observe, repent and watch.]
3 And as he sat upon the mount of Olives, the disciples came unto him privately, saying, Tell us, when shall these things be? and what shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world?
4 And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.
5 For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. [cults and 'false Christs'.]
6 And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. [War in Iraq.]
7 For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. ['pestilence' according to the dictionary refers to 'fatal epidemic disease'. There was Sars 'in divers places'. Recently we hear of more natural disasters. And countries are at loggerheads with each other. Note to self: Read up on current affairs. I know just about zilch and this is important.]
8 All these are the beginning of sorrows.
9 Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake.
10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.
11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.
12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. [Decline in the church?*]
13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.
14 And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.
33 So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors.
35 Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.
36 But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.
42 Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.
44 Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh.

Matthew 25
13 Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.
29 For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.
40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
46 And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal. [Highlighted this because of the idea of 'eternity', the serious irreversibility of the consequence of our choices - for God or for the world?]

Mark 1
15 And saying, The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand: repent ye, and believe the gospel.
35 And in the morning, rising up a great while before day, he went out, and departed into a solitary place, and there prayed.

Mark 2
5 When Jesus saw their faith, he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee.
9 Whether is it easier to say to the sick of the palsy, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and take up thy bed, and walk?
10 But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (he saith to the sick of the palsy,)
17 When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. [Many people think that they have to do something, be a better person, before they call upon Jesus' Name for salvation. But 'now is the day of salvation' (2 Corinthians 6:2). We can only ever be changed in Christ, not through ourselves (2 Corinthians 5:17). Salvation is a free gift, all we do is accept it. Jesus is the 'author and finisher of our faith' (Hebrews 12:2). Romans 8:30 says 'Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.' We don't come to Christ holy. Holy people don't need to be saved. We come to Him sinful, and it is He, not us, who will change and sanctify us. Salvation is not man trying to reach God, it is God reaching man, and we are confident, according to Philippians 1:6, that 'he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:'.]
27 And he said unto them, The sabbath was made for man, and not man for the sabbath: [mercy, not sacrifice. The sabbath is for man to worship God and rest from their labours and not engage in strict religious rituals so much so they lose sight of true meaning.]
28 Therefore the Son of man is Lord also of the sabbath.

Mark 3
28 Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme:
29 But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.
35 For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and my sister, and mother.

Mark 4
[The parable of the sower.]
14 The sower soweth the word.
15 And these are they by the way side, where the word is sown; but when they have heard, Satan cometh immediately, and taketh away the word that was sown in their hearts.
16 And these are they likewise which are sown on stony ground; who, when they have heard the word, immediately receive it with gladness;
17 And have no root in themselves, and so endure but for a time: afterward, when affliction or persecution ariseth for the word's sake, immediately they are offended.
18 And these are they which are sown among thorns; such as hear the word,
19 And the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful.
20 And these are they which are sown on good ground; such as hear the word, and receive it, and bring forth fruit, some thirtyfold, some sixty, and some an hundred.
22 For there is nothing hid, which shall not be manifested; neither was any thing kept secret, but that it should come abroad. [Spread the gospel.]
25 For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken even that which he hath.

Mark 5
19 Howbeit Jesus suffered him not, but saith unto him, Go home to thy friends, and tell them how great things the Lord hath done for thee, and hath had compassion on thee.
36 As soon as Jesus heard the word that was spoken, he saith unto the ruler of the synagogue, Be not afraid, only believe.
43 And he charged them straitly that no man should know it; and commanded that something should be given her to eat. [This happened after Jesus raised Jairus' daughter from the dead. I highlighted this because I found it interesting that Jesus should be so compassionate as to be concerned over her physical needs.]

Mark 6
4 But Jesus, said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, but in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house. [Perhaps that is why it is harder to evangelise to family members than to strangers?]
31 And he said unto them, Come ye yourselves apart into a desert place, and rest a while: for there were many coming and going, and they had no leisure so much as to eat. [Physical needs must be satisfied in the midst of spiritual work. All things in moderation.]
34 And Jesus, when he came out, saw much people, and was moved with compassion toward them, because they were as sheep not having a shepherd: and he began to teach them many things.
51 And he went up unto them into the ship; and the wind ceased: and they were sore amazed in themselves beyond measure, and wondered.
52 For they considered not the miracle of the loaves: for their heart was hardened. [The calming of the storm took place just after the loaves and fishes were multiplied to feed the 5000 (just counting men alone) yet the disciples were still amazed at Jesus' ability to calm the storm.]

Mark 7
6 He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me.
7 Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.
8 For laying aside the commandment of God, ye hold the tradition of men, as the washing of pots and cups: and many other such like things ye do.
9 And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition.
13 Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye. [True meaning discarded for mere religious rituals.]
21 For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders,
22 Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness:
23 All these evil things come from within, and defile the man. [Note the emphasis on 'thoughts' here - evil thoughts (even not translated into action) are sin.]
34 And looking up to heaven, he sighed, and saith unto him, Ephphatha, that is, Be opened.
35 And straightway his ears were opened, and the string of his tongue was loosed, and he spake plain. [I highlighted this because Jesus wasn't an unfocused miracle worker who went around healing people, He did it by the power of God and He was always focused on God.]

Mark 8
6 And he commanded the people to sit down on the ground: and he took the seven loaves, and gave thanks, and brake, and gave to his disciples to set before them; and they did set them before the people. [Same thing. The focus on God.]
34 And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
35 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it.
36 For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?
37 Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?
38 Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.

Mark 9
23 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.
24 And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.
35 And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all.
37 Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me.
39 But Jesus said, Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak evil of me.
40 For he that is not against us is on our part.
41 For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward.
42 And whosoever shall offend one of these little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea.
50 Salt is good: but if the salt have lost his saltness, wherewith will ye season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace one with another.

Mark 10
14 But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.
15 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein.
16 And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.
23 And Jesus looked round about, and saith unto his disciples, How hardly shall they that have riches enter into the kingdom of God!
24 And the disciples were astonished at his words. But Jesus answereth again, and saith unto them, Children, how hard is it for them that trust in riches to enter into the kingdom of God! [Note that money is not the root of all evil, it is the 'love of money' that is the root of all evil.]
31 But many that are first shall be last; and the last first.
43 But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister:
44 And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.
45 For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.
49 And Jesus stood still, and commanded him to be called. And they call the blind man, saying unto him, Be of good comfort, rise; he calleth thee.
52 And Jesus said unto him, Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole. And immediately he received his sight, and followed Jesus in the way. [I highlighted this 'cos the language really comforted my heart. I also noted that Jesus said 'Go thy way' i.e. choice, and the blind man chose to follow Him.]

Recommended readings:
Matthew Chapter 5 (Sermon on the Mount, Beatitudes)
Matthew Chapter 26-28 (Crucifixion and Resurrection)

Nearly highlighted the entire crucifixion (before, during and after) and resurrection. Have skipped posting it today 'cos short of time. I want to write down the events more clearly. Maybe tomorrow.

So much to read and do, not enough time. Not just the Bible, there are other things I want to read e.g. one book on cults I found some time back. Haha I don't have 7 months, Australian term starts in Feb and I still have orientation, settling in. :) Though I haven't received any acceptance letter. Am not worrying, will be thankful if I get in, but will also be thankful if I don't, 'cos if I go in second semester instead, that would open up a lot of things for me e.g. UK scholarships (v little chance of getting though, not that I mind) and more time to do all the things I want to do (see last Friday Five entry). Plus the 5th to 15th of December I'll be away (5-8 Combined Fellowships Camp, 9 morning SPH scholarship talk, night Prom, 10th to 15th Beijing).

Urgent on priority list (i.e. before 5th Dec):
1. NEW LAYOUT
2. Clear everything for the guys going into army
-DW's belongings (The bag is not fully packed, have discovered more of his things I need to return, and I need to get some things back as well)
-The birthday gift (4 poems, come to me!)
-Yexiang's autograph (whoops, discovered it today, considering whether or not to write 'cos written quite a few letters to him before already.)
3. Autographs (Jiamin, Aishu), written already, just have to pass to them.
4. 2 belated birthdays, 4 more coming up! More presents. Nup not a chore, but must remember to get. The 2 belated ones more a priority 'cos those guys are going away.
5. Prisca's stuff!

Must remember must remember must remember.

Looking forward to everything. :) Anyway going out with Mei now. Called her out to lunch and study 'cos was feeling a bit restless just now with the Prac Crit notes. Going to sleep early tonight. Going out with Xin Yi tomorrow and Hui Jun on Sat maybe (HJ: Confirmed?). Just realised 1st and 2nd Dec may be busy too. Busybusybee. ^^ Have a good day, and God bless! -bounces off-

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:58 a.m.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Matthew 5
8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. [The scribes and Pharisees were religious teachers who strictly followed every rule. This verse shows that good works cannot get you into heaven.]
48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

Matthew 6
19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. [mammon = money. There are no in-betweens and negotiations. It's either FOR God or AGAINST God.]
27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? [Do not worry. God provides.]
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Matthew 7
7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.
18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

Matthew 9
36 But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd.
37 Then saith he unto his disciples, The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few;
38 Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest.

Matthew 10
16 Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.
24 The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his lord.
25 It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household? [Beelzebub is 'prince of the devils', according to Matthew 12:24. As our Master, Jesus has suffered greater things than we will suffer.]
28 And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.
29 Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.
30 But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
31 Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.
32 Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven.
33 But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.
38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.

Matthew 11
6 And blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me.
25 At that time Jesus answered and said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes.
26 Even so, Father: for so it seemed good in thy sight.
27 All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him.
28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. [For someone who tirelessly preached in town after town to much temptation (from the devil, the scribes and Pharisees), rejection and scorn (by the pple), knowing that many pple wanted Him only for the miracles (satisfaction of physical and not spiritual hunger, healing of physical and not spiritual sicknesses), knowing also that He would be betrayed and denied by His disciples and sentenced to DIE, taking the sin of the WHOLE WORLD upon Himself, it must have taken an amazing amount of focus, love, compassion and patience to be able to say that His yoke was easy and His burden light.]

Matthew 12
7 But if ye had known what this meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice, ye would not have condemned the guiltless.
8 For the Son of man is Lord even of the sabbath day.
30 He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad.
36 But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
37 For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.

Matthew 13
12 For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. [Use your talents wisely.]

Matthew 15
11 Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.
18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.

Matthew 16
24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.
26 For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?
27 For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works.
28 Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.

Matthew 18
[The following is an example of the process of church discipline.]
15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
[The following are verses to support corporate prayer, that is, praying as a group/church.]
19 Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.
20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

Matthew 19
23 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.
24 And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
25 When his disciples heard it, they were exceedingly amazed, saying, Who then can be saved?
26 But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. [Salvation is a work of God, not man.]

Matthew 20
16 So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.

I have decided to do the gospels, and perhaps move on from there to the rest of the New Testament.

In The Bleak Midwinter is one of my favourite Christmas hymns, and I've always looked forward to singing it every year and playing it on the piano. Hence, I was immensely thrilled when I found out that we would be studying Christina Rossetti's A Christmas Carol as part of Lit this year. (A Christmas Carol was the original poem, and a tune was written to it and the poem converted to a hymn, original text fully retained). I was further thrilled when I discovered yesterday that the hymn with music midi was available on CyberHymnal here. Turn your speakers up! Have been listening to it.

Thank God, I have inspiration for a new layout. Got it while I was bathing. :D

Went lunch and shopping today with the family. It was simply fantastic. :) A miracle. Dad's temper has significantly mellowed and brother's less withdrawn and depressed, smiling more, talking more, playing enthusiastically with me, and even massaging dad's shoulder for him! We ate at Sakae Sushi - my fave Jap food and I'd been wanting to eat tempura for a while now. Ordered some bento set with soba, sushi (a lot of sashimi over rice), tempura (2 prawns, 1 brinjal, 1 crabmeat), pickles and chilli veg (which mom ate), cold veg (which mom also ate), miso soup and two really big and juicy slices of watermelon. Yum. :D Got some sushi from the conveyor belt too - the crepe one that I like a lot and salmon. :) Bought my Prom shoes!!! They look really good. I wanted prom shoes I could dance on lol so I would be able to do the mass dances (if they have any). Love the mass dances. Mom's going to do my makeup for Prom, so I only need to find a hairstylist - everything else has been settled. Think I don't need a hotel room, will just go to Prom and go home, 'cos the next morning I'm leaving for Beijing.

Dad noted the interesting patterns in shopping. He got a new phone for his office (durability), bro got snacks (short term satisfaction), mom got a winter coat and I got shoes (fashion). I realise my predisposition to label comes from dad - he's an intellectual who looks for patterns and likes to define things, have learnt a lot from him. Realise also that my family background has shaped me to be a certain way. Learnt a lot of things from my mom which govern certain habits (always looking for value-for-money, look out for certain things when I go shopping e.g. bra wires may be hard and uncomfy), image - ah lian, old, cheap - it's not tt I judge a person by background, I don't let a person's appearance/habits interfere with how I view him/relate to him and I do give him an equal opportunity at friendship, but I am conscious that image sends out certain signals and I am conscious of maintaining certain principles in dressing. Am always thankful for the Christian background (tradition of hymns, learnt a lot abt God from a young age -that explains why although I only just came back from years and years of backsliding I do know certain things, and also the fact that I can freely talk abt God with my family).

Came home, bathed, read a very little bit of PC and am on the compy now. Talked to Hui Jun and Jevon. Thankful. :) Going out with Hui Jun tomorrow to have dinner and look at the Christmas lights! :D

On a secular note, here are the lyrics for Autumn Goodbye by Britney Spears, a breakup song that was always very dear to me during my last tumultuous relationship, and one major inspiration of my blog title. I've realised 2 unrelated facts, a) I really loved him, I still do, and he's the only one I ever loved (all the crushes were just crushes, no matter how logically good/better(?) they were they can't touch me as much); b) Love is a gift from God, romantic love is not significant to me now, I don't even ask for it; if God gives it to me, I'll take it and use it for His glory, if He doesn't, I am content to be as I am now, resting in His love.

To pray for:
1. Spiritual, mental, physical and emotional strength especially during my Lit paper on Thur. Am worried that I will blank out like I did during GP (though God provided a way out that day), plus PC is my strongest paper, I aim to enjoy the paper and score. Pray that I'll have a good shot at the paper, and do my best for God, both in preparation and during the exam.
2. Focus. God's been very gracious. Every day has not been without its bad points but I've chosen to dwell on the positive both in my mind and on this blog. God judges every word (see verse above). I won't really hide sad things from this blog but they don't influence me enough to make me rant, and some things don't need to be defined.

God's word is fully truth, but if I had to state one verse that I've really come to see as truth it would be Matthew 6:33 - But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. This is so true and I really praise God for starting and continuing His good work in my very sinful and unworthy life. It's really a personal experience and relationship, very hard for me to fully describe the kind of joy and peace unless you experience it yourself.

Autumn Goodbye | Britney Spears

Chorus: I never promised you a happy ending
You never said you wouldn't make me cry
but summer love will keep us warm long after
our autumn goodbye, autumn goodbye
autumn goodbye

Thinkin' of you
and the love of our lives
in the sweet summertime
so sad but true (so true, so true)
we must leave it behind
in our hearts, in our minds

Pre Chorus: From April through September
bittersweet was the love that we share
don't forget
I remember

Repeat Chorus (2x)

Memories can fade
but my heart has a place
for the smile on your face
and maybe someday
we can be more than friends
love will find us again

Red leaves and blue tomorrows
Time will give back the love that we shared
on the time that we borrowed

Repeat Chorus (2x)

Repeat Pre Chorus

Repeat Chorus (2x)

We'll leave behind
the summertime
our hearts, our minds
they will remind
we won't forget
the day we met
the day we cried

Repeat Chorus

God bless, sincerely.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:28 p.m.

Monday, November 24, 2003

Psalm 119
9 Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? by taking heed thereto according to thy word.
11 Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.
34 Give me understanding, and I shall keep thy law; yea, I shall observe it with my whole heart.
71 It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.
73 Thy hands have made me and fashioned me: give me understanding, that I may learn thy commandments.
80 Let my heart be sound in thy statutes; that I be not ashamed.
94 I am thine, save me: for I have sought thy precepts.
96 I have seen an end of all perfection: but thy commandment is exceeding broad.
97 O how love I thy law! it is my meditation all the day.
105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
111 Thy testimonies have I taken as an heritage for ever: for they are the rejoicing of my heart.
112 I have inclined mine heart to perform thy statutes alway, even unto the end.
116 Uphold me according unto thy word, that I may live: and let me not be ashamed of my hope.
125 I am thy servant; give me understanding, that I may know thy testimonies.
130 The entrance of thy words giveth light; it giveth understanding unto the simple.
133 Order my steps in thy word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over me.
136 Rivers of waters run down mine eyes, because they keep not thy law.
140 Thy word is very pure: therefore thy servant loveth it.
144 The righteousness of thy testimonies is everlasting: give me understanding, and I shall live.
151 Thou art near, O LORD; and all thy commandments are truth.
155 Salvation is far from the wicked: for they seek not thy statutes.
164 Seven times a day do I praise thee because of thy righteous judgments.
165 Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.
175 Let my soul live, and it shall praise thee; and let thy judgments help me.

Psalm 121
1 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
3 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
7 The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
8 The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

Psalm 122
1 I was glad when they said unto me, Let us go into the house of the LORD.

Psalm 125
1 They that trust in the LORD shall be as mount Zion, which cannot be removed, but abideth for ever.
2 As the mountains are round about Jerusalem, so the LORD is round about his people from henceforth even for ever.

Psalm 126
3 The LORD hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad.
5 They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.
6 He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

Psalm 127
1 Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.
2 It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep.
3 Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

Psalm 128
1 Blessed is every one that feareth the LORD; that walketh in his ways.

Psalm 129
2 Many a time have they afflicted me from my youth: yet they have not prevailed against me.

Psalm 130
3 If thou, LORD, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand?
4 But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared.
7 Let Israel hope in the LORD: for with the LORD there is mercy, and with him is plenteous redemption.
8 And he shall redeem Israel from all his iniquities.

Psalm 132
11 The LORD hath sworn in truth unto David; he will not turn from it; Of the fruit of thy body will I set upon thy throne.
12 If thy children will keep my covenant and my testimony that I shall teach them, their children shall also sit upon thy throne for evermore.

Psalm 133
1 Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!

Psalm 138
3 In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.
6 Though the LORD be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly: but the proud he knoweth afar off.
8 The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

Psalm 139
1 O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 140
6 I said unto the LORD, Thou art my God: hear the voice of my supplications, O LORD.
12 I know that the LORD will maintain the cause of the afflicted, and the right of the poor.

Psalm 141
3 Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips.

Psalm 143
2 And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified.
5 I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.
8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
10 Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.

Psalm 144
3 LORD, what is man, that thou takest knowledge of him! or the son of man, that thou makest account of him!
9 I will sing a new song unto thee, O God: upon a psaltery and an instrument of ten strings will I sing praises unto thee.
15 Happy is that people, that is in such a case: yea, happy is that people, whose God is the LORD.

Psalm 145
4 One generation shall praise thy works to another, and shall declare thy mighty acts.
8 The LORD is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy.
9 The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works.
10 All thy works shall praise thee, O LORD; and thy saints shall bless thee.
11 They shall speak of the glory of thy kingdom, and talk of thy power;
12 To make known to the sons of men his mighty acts, and the glorious majesty of his kingdom.
13 Thy kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and thy dominion endureth throughout all generations.
18 The LORD is nigh unto all them that call upon him, to all that call upon him in truth.
19 He will fulfil the desire of them that fear him: he also will hear their cry, and will save them.

Psalm 147
1 Praise ye the LORD: for it is good to sing praises unto our God; for it is pleasant; and praise is comely.
10 He delighteth not in the strength of the horse: he taketh not pleasure in the legs of a man.
11 The LORD taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy.

Psalm 148
14 He also exalteth the horn of his people, the praise of all his saints; even of the children of Israel, a people near unto him. Praise ye the LORD.

Psalm 150
6 Let every thing that hath breath praise the LORD. Praise ye the LORD.

Psalm 150:6 is the last verse in the entire book of Psalms.

You know, I personally feel that the book of Psalms is about praising God:

a) Why praise? which is linked to
b) Who to praise
c) How to praise
d) Who should praise

Recommended readings:
Psalm 121 - Promise of help and preservation from God
Psalm 128 - Promise of blessing to the righteous (what he will be like, his family etc.)

Pray for guidance as to which book of the Bible to do next. God bless. :)

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 07:00 p.m.

Monday, November 24, 2003

I am putting my blog link on my Friendster profile. Yep, I do want pple to read my blog. I just want to say that I have a predisposition to be nice i.e. I tolerate, mince my words etc. It's not my intention to be hypocritical, and I am trying not to be hypocritical. Yet, I do have problems with a few pple and sometimes I do write comments here, which while I try to make as neutral as possible, may still be hurting. So if you are one of the pple whom I have problems with and have stumbled upon this blog, I am sorry. Please do not be hurt and please approach me (pref. online) if you want to talk about it. I am still learning (am progressing, albeit v slowly) to say when I'm hurting. Sometimes I just let myself be offended and hurt and people who think they're good friends of mine may be astonished to find that actually I fear them because I've been deeply hurt by them and want to withdraw but cannot.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:21 a.m.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Have been online far less than the usual 8 hours a day. Have more things to do, and am prioritising too.

Hm, just an update of the blessings God has bestowed upon me. May seem repetitive but I want to organise it a bit more for my own reading pleasure.

Thur
After Lit 3, the class went out! :) Glasshouse Fish and Co. It's a really nice place with v nice friendly staff, reminds me of Hard Rock Cafe, where the 29th went after stepping down, a two-storey restaurant by itself, with many tv screens. Though some of my classmates were obviously tired they still came, there were 17 of us I think, and it was quite a successful outing. I had a great time and was really happy. :) We sat a long table and chatted, and I was really intrigued by the Extreme Sports on EPL on tv haha, skateboarding and dirt-bike stunts and racing. :) Eep was squealing and wowing at the good ones, and impressed, the highest scorer got 94.7% I think (motorbike stunts) and there were skateboard doubles! The champions were really good, and one of the stunts they did was that this guy would skateboard all the way to the top, his partner would hold out another board, and he would change boards! There were other quite sad (as in aw...) cases e.g. 33% 'cos the guy fell off his skateboard at the start and slid and scraped his arm (ouch!), plus he was defending champ too I think and 'cos he just underperformed he wasn't even in top 3. Finished up all my Fish and Chips. The bill came up to 0+, I paid -12 after we used the leftover class fund. Then some pple wanted to have karaoke, others wanted to watch movie but in the end we walked around in grps in Plaza Singapura.

Outstanding good things:
I really enjoyed myself and felt socially accepted. I kept silent most of the time and enjoyed listening, but sometimes I did talk and pple listened to me. Meiyan also offered me her swordfish collarbone so tt was nice. :) And Sijia msged me in the morning, asked me whether I was going then after the whole thing msged me to say tt she was really glad tt I went and tt one of the pple she would miss in this class would be me, tt was really nice as well. Am ok with my classmates and good friends with some (talked to a few in grps or 1-to-1). It appears that most of my friends (classmates and other friends) are closer to their secondary sch friends and classes/CCAs. I'm not. It was in JC where I really developed as a person, grew up and opened up and 02A11 is the class I'm closest to. True, my best friend was from Nanyang and I have friends I consider good friends from my sec sch class too (Mei, Bingz) but most of my closer friendships were not really nurtured from Nanyang but through other places. I have a lot of friends I know from blogging and other online activities (I'm closer to the councillors who read my blog and chat online also) and I'm thankful to have got to know a lot of Sunday Sch friends a lot closer this year.

Fri
Went out with mom in the morning shopping for prom dress and shoes, bought prom dress and strapped/strapless bra. Wanling and Jevon called! Wanling's my sec sch classmate, my closest friend in Geog class (haha and I will remember tt day she saw me cry -got scolded by the new Geog teacher 'cos I didn't finish my homework, some misunderstanding, thought I could do it after sch but apparently she wanted it by recess and she said she'd told everyone though no one recalled her saying that and it was common practice to hand up after class- and she collected the Geog stuff for me - I was Geog rep). Hadn't talked to her for a long time but she wanted my Geog notes (she wants to take Geog at Uni level but didn't take Geog at A level 'cos it isn't offered to Science students in NJ) and asked me out to brunch as well. Had a good convo with her, then Jevon called, so talked for quite a while also. Then went online and there were a lot of pple there 'cos it was Fri and the next paper for most pple (Physics) is on Wed. So talked to Ge and Sean.

Sat
Called Xin Yi! It's been months/years (?) since I actually called someone to chat, seriously. I don't like the phone but we had a really good time chatting. Hope both of us were encouraged by tt, I think a phone call makes a lot of diff, and in her sms she sounded rather down. Had brunch with Wanling and walked around Clementi for a while. It was a great time of fellowship, prayed abt it beforehand tt God would bless us and watch our fellowship, tt it would be pleasing to Him. Was quite encouraged 'cos I prayed silently over meal and I think she prayed too though she said she doesn't pray at every meal. It was good sharing and then we went to look at the bazaar that was being set up and I saw Energizer (Rachel!!!) batteries (AAA) at .80 for 2 and I bought 6 for . Just what I needed 'cos I'd found out that morning or sth that there weren't anymore batteries of that sort at home and I had run out of batteries for my discman. Went out with my family in the evening, and decided to get ice-cream after that also (bro got the black and white biscuits (hei1 bai2 pei4) to eat in the car). :) Was quite a gd family outing, had Thai food (.90 per set, buy 3 sets get 1 free) and the family was really talking, everyone happy.

Sun
This is the first Sun in a v long time when we didn't have to rush to church and were in fact there 10 min early and cld join in pre-worship singspiration! The first Sun in a v long time where we went to church happy, and dad didn't scold bro at all 'cos bro was early and he wasn't dressed in a normal t-shirt but in a collared shirt (looked a lot better). I dressed diff too, wore my nice top and skirt and nice dress sandals, normally I wear t-shirt and jeans. :) Dad was telling us abt Princess Diana in the car. Church was good. The last hymn was fantastic, love the melody especially, with the church organ, v typical old-English traditional. Really wish everyone I knew could come to my church, the music is so beautiful, traditional, and there are The Wilds music kinda songs...it's so unlike the usual drum-band modern churches nowadays, not judging them as being bad Christians, far from it, just that from personal experience the more traditional music appeals more to me, it's deeper, older, more personal, less pop-sounding and more organised. I really don't know why pple say this kinda worship is boring. Would really encourage pple to come to my church if they're looking for a church or just for the experience, perhaps on Christmas Eve when the songs are the more familiar carols (the Lit students might like to know that Christina Rossetti's A Christmas Carol is a hymn that I've been taught from a young age -I'm not sure if it's sung in my church, but my dad trained us in English hymns from our childhood). We'll be having our first gospel Sun next Sun 10.30a.m., that would be good also for pple (Christians and esp non-Christians) who want to know the basics, what the gospel is all abt. :) Went for Open Sunday today -usually I skip Sun Sch when it's Open Sunday but I went anyway, going to get more involved in church too-. Topic was 'Is it wrong to be rich?', ans was no, the Bible says it is not money but the 'love of money' that is the root of all evil, and the speaker outlined 5 reasons for and against why we should love money. We should love money because a) it is a gift from God, b) it points us to heaven (as a tangible blessing from God that we can experience now, we can imagine how much more blessed heaven will be), c) use it to buy Christian literature etc. to help us in our spiritual walk. Two more reasons but can't remember, shld bring a notebook next time to jot points down. Talked a bit w Sunday Sch classmates too.

Was supposed to go out with the two Rachels for a movie but didn't see Rachel Yeo today. Wanted to go for movie tomorrow with Rachel Chia (Mon rates are cheaper) but we decided to make it a Sun Sch outing on the 2nd of Dec! :) Yayness. So went out alone after church today, decided to go Orchard to look at Web Design books and walked in Kino and the lib. Lunch at Yoshinoya after much deliberation. Borrowed 4 books namely Speed Reading Made Easy, How To Build A Better Vocabulary and the August 2002 and 2003 issues of National Geographic. Have started on Speed Reading Made Easy, did the test and found out my reading speed is way below average and my comprehension after reading isn't good either (failed the easier test, and scored close to full marks on the second one, would have scored higher for the first and full marks for the second if not for careless mistakes like I would have in mind 'a' as the ans and write down 'b' ><, haha I think the reason I scored higher for the second was 'cos frankly although the first was a story it had a lot of details and the second though it was a technical thing it was on whether there was life on other planets and it was SO GEOGRAPHY, abt climate, atmosphere, orbit etc. so I understood the difficult terms e.g. perihelion, aphelion, and cld grasp the concepts quite easily)! Thought I wouldn't come online tonight really but didn't feel like reading earlier. Am still reading the depression book. Slept for 3.5h in the afternoon, was woken up by Jevon's call -haha asked me to go for Sunset Gospel Hour-, am thankful for the invitation really, declined this time 'cos I didn't plan to and didn't want to abruptly change plans, plus had already washed up and was sleeping, am considering going next time though, and will be good to go w a friend. It is v v good and impt to worship God w a friend. I am really v thankful for a lot of Christian friends who have been pointing me to God.

Had the temptation to call someone out today and tomorrow since the original scheduled commitments were cancelled but decided not to 'cos already meeting Xin Yi Thur. Used to call the same pple up all the time and go out with them v often which was why I was so busy too, now I do prioritise, and I'm free to go out but I try not to excessively go out esp. not w the same person. Have other things I want to do namely the stuff I mentioned in the last Friday Five. Had the usual fish Mcdippers for dinner today and hot fudge ice-cream then watched the President's Star Charity with mom. It wasn't the show, it was more to spend time with mom and I did enjoy spending time with her, then later 20 min before the show ended I decided to go upstairs and she switched off the tv too.

So been basically spending time with family, reading, spending some time on comp, chatting a lot w friends online and offline. God makes a lot of diff, been doing QT twice a day and reading Bible. Ah am v interested in Bible history - maybe after doing Psalms I'll read Bible History (Old Testament). Not sure, 'cos the New Testament epistles are v good guides for Christian living. I don't really like to do two passages at one time but perhaps I could try. Haha my friends have been amused and my family has got used to the fact already -- when I study for exams I study one subject at a time e.g. all of Phy Geog, then all of Econs, so tt's why I can end up stressed when I don't finish one sub 'cos it means I can't/won't move on to the next. And during meals I always go one dish at a time e.g. eat the meat, then veg, then rice, then soup, then fruits or hamburger, fries, coke. Haha. Strange kitten.

I do want to reply Ling's e-mail, and I think there are others I've put aside/not replied etc. Shld reply Josiah's too - another guy I ignored and I guess it really wasn't his fault, was just too hurt also 'cos of other bad exp w other guys. Will def do it, Ling's one I mean, just tt I go by mood also so I don't reply mails/sms if I'm not in the mood and up to now I'm still refusing to write Friendster testimonials for anyone. Am not in the mood for writing...not yet and it's nothing personal, and nothing's wrong either.

It's been 3 days since the exams unofficially ended, and it's been just about the best, most perfect 3 days of my life. The thought just crossed my head today as I was out, the idea tt I am only now living, for the first time in a long time. Finally. I feel so...new and immature. Am continually praying tt I will not become proud because it is definitely never about me and never because of me that I am where I am, it's about God. Am leaving it to Him and just trusting. Used to need to define, dissect and label, to be sure of things, now I try not to think too much. Many negative thoughts being pushed back, and my mind is clearer. Smiling a whole lot more and feeling great, about myself and about life. Not expecting anything, just living, and that in itself is something to thank God for.

The shortest psalm is Ps 117 with 2 verses. The longest is Ps 119 with 176 verses.

Recommended reading: Psalm 119, mainly about God's word and the psalmist's love for it. Took a few days to read it. A v good psalm. Will post some highlighted verses from it the next time I'm online.

God bless. PS: If you don't see me online it doesn't mean I've withdrawn, most likely it's just that I have other things to do. Still thinking about my layout though, and praying for inspiration, so could be online soon working on it.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:10 p.m.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

The following are extracts from the book Now I Know Why I'm Depressed by H. Norman Wright:

Psychological burnout takes longer to occur and also longer to reverse. Days off or vacations or a one-day seminar on stress or burnout are not enough. Time and a reorientation to life is what is needed. A spiritual renewal through the Word, prayer and close Christian friends will also be part of the cure. Part of the reversal also involves looking at the work environment to see if it has contributed to the deterioration. But the real problem isn't circumstances as such but our response to circumstances. The Word of God clearly tells us that we will not be free of problems just because our circumstances are calm and peaceful. The promise of peace is a learned response which comes from application of God's Word in the midst of difficulty.

Because God Loves Me
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Because God loves me He is slow to lose patience with me.
Because God loves me He takes the circumstances of my life and uses them in a constructive way for my growth.
Because God loves me He does not treat me as an object to be possessed and manipulated.
Because God loves me He has no need to impress me with how great and powerful He is because He is God, nor does He belittle me as His child in order to show me how important He is.
Because God loves me He is for me. He wants to see me mature and develop in His love.
Because God loves me He does not send down His wrath on every little mistake I make, of which there are many.
Because God loves me, He does not keep score of all my sins and then beat me over the head with them whenever He gets the chance.
Because God loves me He is deeply grieved when I do not walk in the ways that please Him, because He sees them as evidence that I don't trust Him and love Him as I should.
Because God loves me He rejoices when I experience His power and strength and stand up under the pressures of life for His Name's sake.
Because God loves me He keeps on working patiently with me even when I feel like giving up and can't see why He doesn't give up with me, too.
Because God loves me He keeps on trusting me when at times I don't even trust myself.
Because God loves me He never says there is no hope for me; rather, He patiently works with me, loves me, and disciplines me in such a way that it is hard for me to understand the depth of His concern for me.
Because God loves me He never forsakes me even though many of my friends might.
Because God loves me He stands with me when I have reached the rock bottom of despair, when I see the real me and compare that with His righteousness, holiness, beauty and love. It is at a moment like this that I can really believe that God loves me.
Yes, the greatest of all gifts is God's perfect love!

If you thought this was beautiful, read 1 Corinthians 13, sometimes known as the love passage. It describes what love is. I use the King James Version (KJV) of the Bible because I believe it is more accurate and the language touches me too.

I like this week's Friday Five. Do it, friends! :)

Friday Five November 21, 2003

1. List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.
In this order:
a) Write 4 poems (Giving someone a themed collection of 5 poems as a birthday gift, I wrote 1 already)
b) Compile my writing into a book
c) Read the CIA World Factbook, URA and MAS websites, Geography, History and current affairs
d) Read my Lit texts and Lit and Geog readings
e) Clean up my room

2. List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again.
Just De Wen. I'm not sentimental but I've made peace with myself (and tried to make peace with him via the letter which I e-mailed him yesterday before I posted it here) and I'll take what God plans. :)

3. List five things you'd like to learn how to do.
In this order:
a. I want to specialise in (have an excellent command of) writing and Geography.
b. Sing and play the violin well.
c. Speak and write French well.
d. Design websites well.
e. Teach well.

4. List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit).
In this order:
a. Spend it on tertiary studies in Australia.
b. Buy an mp3 player.
c. Give my family and best friend a meal treat.
d. Save it for a future condo by the Esplanade. :)
e. Save it for other transactions/precautionary/speculative purposes. :p
Then again, I don't dabble in lottery. :)

5. List five things you do that help you relax.
By 'relax' I mean relieving tension. In this order:
a. Pray. Ask God to help me relax. (Easiest way).
b. Go online.
c. Write.
d. Scream to an unfortunate friend. ^^
e. Listen to music.

Psalm 98
8 Let the floods clap their hands: let the hills be joyful together
9 Before the LORD; for he cometh to judge the earth: with righteousness shall he judge the world, and the people with equity.

Psalm 99
1 The LORD reigneth; let the people tremble: he sitteth between the cherubims; let the earth be moved.
8 Thou answeredst them, O LORD our God: thou wast a God that forgavest them, though thou tookest vengeance of their inventions.
9 Exalt the LORD our God, and worship at his holy hill; for the LORD our God is holy.

Psalm 102
11 My days are like a shadow that declineth; and I am withered like grass.
12 But thou, O LORD, shall endure for ever; and thy remembrance unto all generations.
17 He will regard the prayer of the destitute, and not despise their prayer.
18 This shall be written for the generation to come: and the people which shall be created shall praise the LORD.
27 But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end.
28 The children of thy servants shall continue, and their seed shall be established before thee.

Psalm 103
1 Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.
2 Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:
3 Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;
4 Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;
5 Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.
6 The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.
7 He made known his ways unto Moses, his acts unto the children of Israel.
8 The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.

Psalm 104
33 I will sing unto the LORD as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.
34 My meditation of him shall be sweet: I will be glad in the LORD.

Psalm 105
1 O give thanks unto the LORD; call upon his name: make known his deeds among the people.
2 Sing unto him, sing psalms unto him: talk ye of all his wondrous works.
3 Glory ye in his holy name: let the heart of them rejoice that seek the LORD.
4 Seek the LORD, and his strength: seek his face evermore.
5 Remember his marvellous works that he hath done; his wonders, and the judgments of his mouth;
42 For he remembered his holy promise, and Abraham his servant.
43 And he brought forth his people with joy, and his chosen with gladness:
44 And gave them the lands of the heathen: and they inherited the labour of the people;
45 That they might observe his statutes, and keep his laws. Praise ye the LORD.

Psalm 106
43 Many times did he deliver them; but they provoked him with their counsel, and were brought low for their iniquity.
44 Nevertheless he regarded their affliction, when he heard their cry:
45 And he remembered for them his covenant, and repented according to the multitude of his mercies.

Psalm 107
15 Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!
17 Fools because of their transgression, and because of their iniquities, are afflicted.
26 They mount up to the heaven, they go down again to the depths: their soul is melted because of trouble.
27 They reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man, and are at their wit's end.
28 Then they cry unto the LORD in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses.
29 He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still.
30 Then are they glad because they be quiet; so he bringeth them unto their desired haven.
42 The righteous shall see it, and rejoice: and all iniquity shall stop her mouth.
43 Whoso is wise, and will observe these things, even they shall understand the lovingkindness of the LORD.

Psalm 108
3 I will praise thee, O LORD, among the people: and I will sing praises unto thee among the nations.
4 For thy mercy is great above the heavens: and thy truth reacheth unto the clouds.
5 Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens: and thy glory above all the earth;
12 Give us help from trouble: for vain is the help of man.

Psalm 109
4 For my love they are my adversaries: but I give myself unto prayer.

Psalm 111
5 He hath given meat unto them that fear him: he will ever be mindful of his covenant.
10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever.

Psalm 113
5 Who is like unto the LORD our God, who dwelleth on high,
6 Who humbleth himself to behold the things that are in heaven, and in the earth!
9 He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD.

Psalm 115
1 Not unto us, O LORD, not unto us, but unto thy name give glory, for thy mercy, and for thy truth's sake.
2 Wherefore should the heathen say, Where is now their God?
3 But our God is in the heavens: he hath done whatsoever he hath pleased.
4 Their idols are silver and gold, the work of men's hands.
12 The LORD hath been mindful of us: he will bless us; he will bless the house of Israel; he will bless the house of Aaron.
17 The dead praise not the LORD, neither any that go down into silence.
18 But we will bless the LORD from this time forth and for evermore. Praise the LORD.

Psalm 116
1 I love the LORD, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications.
7 Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the LORD hath dealt bountifully with thee.
9 I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living.
11 I said in my haste, All men are liars.
13 I will take the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the LORD.
15 Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.
16 O LORD, truly I am thy servant; I am thy servant, and the son of thine handmaid: thou hast loosed my bonds.
17 I will offer to thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving, and will call upon the name of the LORD.
18 I will pay my vows unto the LORD now in the presence of all his people.
19 In the courts of the LORD's house, in the midst of thee, O Jerusalem. Praise ye the LORD.

Psalm 118
4 Let them now that fear the LORD say, that his mercy endureth for ever.
6 The LORD is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?
8 It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.
14 The LORD is my strength and song, and is become my salvation.
17 I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD.
18 The LORD hath chastened me sore: but he hath not given me over unto death.
19 Open to me the gates of righteousness: I will go into them, and I will praise the LORD:
24 This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.
28 Thou art my God, and I will praise thee: thou art my God, I will exalt thee.

Recommended Readings:
Psalm 100 - Thanksgiving and praise, a common scripture passage read at the start of the worship service
Psalm 101 - Vow of a righteous man
Psalm 103 - God's goodness to man (comforting language)
Psalm 104 - God's wonders in nature (beautiful nature imagery)*
Psalm 112 - Promise to the righteous

Note on recommended readings: These are my personal recommendations, whole psalms which have touched me. In my Bible they are marked with asterisks or their titles highlighted. Above summary phrases (e.g. 'Promise to the righteous') are my own.

*On Psalm 104: I am thankful for my Geography background because as I read the descriptions I can visualise the images and I know how these wonders work. My God is an awesome God.

Listening to Be Thou My Vision by Enya. I am feeling happy, thankful and peaceful. The past 2 days have been close to perfect.

Good things that have happened to me recently:

1. The family became closer. Dad now asks 'How are you?', I tell the truth and listen to him, and initiate conversations and sharing. Mom and I enjoyed a day of lunch and shopping yesterday. Every family member (dad, mom, brother and I) volunteer to read the devotional book aloud instead of pushing it to each other, refusing to read, and grudgingly reading. Yesterday the whole family had dinner in front of the tv and watched Holland V together, I asked questions and brother answered them. Wore my prom dress with necklace and bag and showed everyone and they were positive (said I looked adult). :)Opened bro's door and said hi today, told him that I was going to bring the maid to the apartment and would be going to the library, and he was smiling throughout. Opened the door twice to a) welcome mom home, ask about her day and share about my own (to good response), b) welcome dad home (gave him the apartment keys so he didn't have to get out of the car to get them. Dad came to my room to see how I was doing. Followed him to his room, sat on the bed and told him about my day. Going out for family dinner later.

My family has been smiling. I have been smiling.

2. Am more focused on God, reading the Bible and praying (Pray without ceasing. ~1 Thessalonians 5:17). Things are more relaxed now. I don't read the Bible according to a set time (used to read half an hour daily), just read a few chapters. Praying a lot more too - before and after Quiet Time, for a lot of people, for myself, committing my day to Him before anything else, committing my phone calls, sms, letters, online activities etc. to Him before starting on these tasks. Sometimes if I'm thinking of thoughts I don't want to think about I'll stop my activities and pray before I continue. Thoughts are automatic and come without deliberation, according to the book on depression, but we can reason against them.

3. Am relaxed, yet productive. Haven't wasted time. Prioritising and doing tasks without rushing, at a slow/comfortable pace. Settled the Geography notes I'm giving to a friend before going to bed instead of waiting to do it in the morning. Went out with plenty of time to spare, reaching the meeting place 15 min early (used the time to read the book on depression). Called the optician's today to order new contact lenses. Am sure of my dental appointment. When dad called and asked me to bring the maid to the apartment I did it without further ado. Am not addicted to the Internet, stopped stoning in front of the computer for hours but actually have completed things according to priority (checked and cleared both mailboxes, the Hotmail one had been unchecked for 2 weeks and the account was nearly full).

4. Am following my heart, doing what I want, yet seeking to obey and serve God. Trying to prevent/stop myself from lying and exaggerating unconsciously (this explains why I've been saying things like 'it was sent to so many people, no, just two people' to friends, correcting myself mid-sentence).

5. Thoughts of suicide have been counteracted by the Bible (see above Psalms) - the dead cannot praise God. Thoughts are good and not depressive, and am calm now especially regarding my breakup.

Went shopping with mom yesterday. It was a good time of fellowship. We enjoyed a lovely lunch at Jack's Place (Citibank) together (too far at first, but we looked for a place to eat and weren't v satisfied with one so we decided to walk the extra distance there). The service and the food were good and value for money, ate 'til I was full. Topped up for the cafe mocha, thanks to Xin Yi for her recommendation and information and it wasn't on the menu, but I decided not to assume the promotion was over and to ask. Shopped for prom dress and shoes, it wasn't bad and I got to try a few nice designs which I liked before finding one that was really beautiful. :) And it was .90, which is good value for money for a prom dress, and the kind of dress I can imagine myself wearing at a future party/function i.e. simple but elegant. We got a strapped/strapless bra too (+, which is good value-for-money for a strapped/strapless bra), my first one. ^^ Wore the bra and dress and got mom's necklace and wedding purse and I looked really beautiful. Was v happy. :)

Shared a lot of things with mom, was smiling and enjoying myself as with a friend, talked about friends and even more intimate subjects like marriage, pregnancy, delivery and children. Which helps not only to inform, but also 'cos from a young age I have this problem (which she still doesn't know) - my mind and genital injury and breathing modifications (complicated procedure) have their roots in the concept of pregnancy and delivery (I elucidated this before on my blog), I used to purposely visit websites and read Birth Stories (as a child I wanted to become a gynae for a very twisted purpose), read and reread books and portions of books (fiction and non-fiction) on those topics, watch tv just to see women suffer like that, every time I knew there was a show with a woman giving birth I would purposely watch it and everytime I did all these and years after every single image and story stays with me. I use these stories as plot for when I hurt myself - I imagine myself as them and I modify the plot to hurt myself more (the people become more cruel, they don't assist the birth, they purposely make the woman suffer and they use the baby to punish the woman for her misdeeds - often the woman did something wrong, she's a princess from Chinese heaven c.f. Legends of the Eight Immortals, Journey to The West kinda heaven who had an affair with someone e.g. poor farmer from earth and his baby and because she disobeyed the celestial laws and also because she's not of earth but has a child with someone from earth her birth is very cruel, her womb is torn and clawed apart from the inside, she screams but there is no relief; either that, or she's a prostitute known to seduce men so when she's about to give birth she's put in front of the town square so everyone sees her and mocks her...because she's so evil she has to be punished but no one can control her and the greatest pain is from the inside, when your own baby kills you and you're helpless because the pain is inside.

Every time I accidentally or purposely read/watch something to do with pregnancy/delivery I always injure myself and sometimes it's unprovoked.

Been resisting the temptation to watch certain shows (Recently on Charmed this woman gave birth and it was particularly painful, I read in Life!, but although I wanted to watch I didn't) and also consciously fighting every time I want to hurt myself or think those thoughts (sometimes I think and tell myself I won't do it, I'll just think and wrap myself up in the plot, but sooner or later I follow on the plot and start doing it). It's only been two days though, because I did it four times this week (during the exams).

Mom told me birth doesn't hurt as much as tv makes it out to be. It's like a stomachache except it lasts 10 hours, and only the last 1/2 hour to 1 hour are really painful, but it's bearable.

I wanted to get married. I wanted a family. I wanted 10 children. But I didn't want to get pregnant and give birth. And I used to tell myself that if I did, I'd kick the husband out of the delivery room and go through it alone because I have pride and I don't want anyone I know (family, close friends etc.) to see me suffer and help me through. I don't want to fall in front of everyone.

"Life is so beautiful.

Thank You so much God. Thank You. Thank You. -feels like crying-"

It's in ' "" ' because I wrote those just now before I wrote the pregnancy bit (yep, I don't write my blog from top to bottom, I edit it here and there and think carefully, that's why I spend so long writing - it's 5.47p.m. now and I started this blog at 3.13p.m.) and well I'm a bit more ____ (don't know what word to use, it means less sentimental, and more like the feeling like I have problems, those which have lasted for years and still stay) and am trying to curb them).

I want to do other things now, so I'll blog more another day. Have more things to praise God for. :)

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 03:13 p.m.

Friday, November 21, 2003

=======

Dear De Wen,

How are you?

I'm praying about this as I write now.

This is just something I'm praying will encourage both you and I and glorify God, and help clear up some unChrist-like misunderstandings between us. God has been amazing in leading and guiding me through the past few months. I've fallen many times but He's picked me up again, and I know that I wouldn't have been able to come so far without His strength and love.

There are many things I don't know and can't explain, and I don't want to assume because assumptions may be flawed and they tax the mind and distract it from what it should be focusing on - God. I'm helpless in solving my own problems, but by God's grace I'm reading the Bible and the book on depression and praying. I am confident that he which hath begun a good work in me will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ (Philippians 1:6) and I know that day by day He is changing me, teaching me and helping me. I am thankful now for the time after the A levels (1 more paper left - Practical Criticism) to draw towards Him, focus on Him and be renewed to serve Him better.

I just want to apologise for the harsh things I said to you and about you in whatever medium (sms, blog, conversations). Even though I was deeply hurt, angered and confused, the harsh things were not said in love. I should have been more Christ-like in my actions. My focus was not on God. I should not have blown the situation up in public but taken it up with you separately - God would have shown me a way if I had kept close to Him but I did not and I know that by leaving Him I made things worse. I am sorry for that. I am sorry for leaving, for giving up. I am sorry for not being a better sister-in-Christ - for not encouraging you in His way and for not being a better example but a stumbling block. Please forgive me.

Thank you for telling me about Him that day when I was cast down. I didn't listen then, but I thank you anyway for speaking of Him and encouraging me in His way.

I hope at least that peace may be established between us and if God wills a close Christian friendship. You were special, you still are, both to God and to me, and it is not good for us, and two siblings in Christ, to fight.

I am concerned for you, because we're soon leaving the 'safe' zone of structured education and moving on to deeper waters. We may be facing greater trials and temptations, and feel tempted to slack in the faith or give up our endeavours. But God does not give up on us and rest assured that I will be praying for you, and I will be here if you need me or anyone.

There are three verses I want to share with you and I hope these will encourage you as much as they have encouraged me.

Psalm 27:1 - The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Isaiah 40:31 - But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Psalm 37:4 - Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

I love you still, and God loves you even more. I wish you all the best in your A levels and in all your future endeavours.

Love,
Esther

=======

I want to apologise for not glorifying God, not being loving in my speech (especially towards a Christian brother) and for being a stumbling block to any reader.

Please forgive me.

This course of action has been undertaken with much thought and prayer.

I would appreciate if no one comments on this letter. Thanks and God bless.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:02 p.m.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Friday Five Nov 14, 2003

1. Using one adjective, describe your current living space.
Personal.

2. Using two adjectives, describe your current employer.
Employer: Any teacher. Adjectives: Distant, Suspicious. I'm not close to any teacher and I don't trust them. But they like me more than I think they like me (Distortion: No one likes me, especially not teachers).

3. Using three adjectives, describe your favorite hobby/pastime.
Favourite hobby/pastime: Reading and writing. Adjectives: Poetic, romantic, inspiring.

4. Using four adjectives, describe your typical day.
Christian, thought-filled, musical, (seemingly) meaningless.

5. Using five adjectives, describe your ideal life.
Christian, married, purposeful, personal (in the midst of all the work I hope to have some time with myself, my family and friends).

Nov 07, 2003

1. What food do you like that most people hate?
Snails.

2. What food do you hate that most people love?
Durian.

3. What famous person, whom many people may find attractive, is most unappealing to you?
The devil.

4. What famous person, whom many people may find unappealing, do you find attractive?
God.

5. What popular trend baffles you?
The shoes with wheels. I cringe just thinking of gliding on my heels.

The October 31st Friday Five is on Halloween and I don't believe in and strongly disapprove of Halloween.

Extracted from In Memory of W.B. Yeats (died January 1939) by W.H. Auden:

Follow, poet, follow right
To the bottom of the night,
With your unconstraining voice
Still persuade us to rejoice;

With the farming of a verse
Make a vineyard of the curse,
Sing of human unsuccess
In a rapture of distress;

In the deserts of the heart
Let the healing fountain start,
In the prison of his days
Teach the free man how to praise.

It was always my belief that poetry makes music, art and beauty out of life.

As I said I would after the exams, I am back to the Bible and to God. Read 10 particularly beautiful psalms today.

Psalm 96 9 O worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness: fear before him, all the earth.

Psalm 97
6 The heavens declare his righteousness, and all the people see his glory.
7 Confounded be all they that serve graven images, that boast themselves of idols: worship him, all ye gods.
10 Ye that love the LORD, hate evil: he preserveth the souls of his saints; he delivereth them out of the hand of the wicked.
11 Light is sown for the righteous, and gladness for the upright in heart.
12 Rejoice in the LORD, ye righteous; and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.

Will post the others later. Some entire psalms are beautiful, and I am thankful now that I study Geography.

I am going out with my mom now. I am still emotionless but numbness is protective and good in some way.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:21 a.m.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Thought I was strong. Was optimistic earlier.

Then something happened.

And then something else.

And after a while I just started crying. Still crying. Can't even type a nice MSN message - it's obvious something's wrong. And she asked me for my blog add but I just didn't reply 'cos I didn't want her to read.

I'm withdrawing. Tired. Will sleep.

Too many problems I can't handle and don't want to. It's accumulated - nothing ever is solved.

I am going to stop smsing pple my problems.

I will never delete my blog. It will be a sign of cowardice if I do so and I will not do it at all costs.

In other unrelated news, I felt that the Chemistry pple were behaving rather insensitively today because they were making a lot of noise after their 1h paper while the History people were having a 3h paper, and didn't stop making noise even though they were told repeatedly to stop.

Also, I feel that people in the library should be more considerate and thoughtful and not talk nonstop while other people are trying to study for their afternoon Human Geography paper (urgent) and other papers (less urgent). A few sentences will already distract me, but I will tolerate it; a nonstop conversation by two different pairs of guys sitting on my right and diagonally right simply wastes my time.

What happens was I tolerated reading the same few lines in 10 minutes until I was suitably riled up then I banged both hands on the table and said 'I'm fed up. This place is too noisy. I'm leaving' and left.

Next time I will BANG LOUDER. Or I will simply pluck up my courage and give a loud and irritated 'SHHH!!!!' They should have got the hint when I was staring them in the face and frowning at them very obviously but apparently blatant hints are lost on some.

The library is for quiet studying, not for incessant chit-chatting. If you don't intend to study or read quietly while everyone is, if your voices are the only ones in the library, then please LEAVE. The librarians should also do a better job in maintaining library discipline - it was that way in Nanyang, apparently it isn't here now. Shut up. Just shut up will you.

I'm angry at something now. It's a new anger topic, something I've not been angry about before.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:54 a.m.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

I saw him today. Back view. Couldn't believe it was him 'cos 1) he had a new bag, not a backpack but a sling one this time, 2) he looked so pai kia.

Gel hair. Ears plugged into a discman which was visible (i.e. not hidden in his bag). Sauntering and swaggering. I couldn't believe my eyes.

He looked awful.

And when we were still together he'd told me that he didn't like/despised pple who wanted to act cool and listened to discman while walking, and now he was doing it.

And swaggering around in public. How pai kia can one get.

Went up to class and told a friend about it. She confirmed my suspicions - it was him, she'd had the unfortunate opportunity to stand next to him earlier in the day and was appalled at his haircut - said he'd shaved his hair really short in a v horrid style (I didn't see this one) and that yep it was him, bag, discman, swagger and all. He looked punk.

Wonder why someone would self-destruct like tt. Friend said it's prob 'cos of peer pressure - just wants to look cool, but both of us were adamantly sure tt didn't look cool.

I believe tt one's appearance reflects one's character a lot. I'm not superficial but I do believe there is a certain, but not full truth to this statement. I tend to think more highly of someone who wears the school collar pin, wears neatly-ironed clothes and tucks in his shirt. Certain images also reflect a certain stereotype - e.g. pai kia, ah lian. I remember an anklet was on my wishlist once a long time ago, but my mom told me an anklet would be associated with ah lians. Similarly, if I were to say pai kia, pple would know what kinda image I was referring to.

Asked myself if I was really blind. Friend said no, in her own words 'he evolved'. Found tt funny the way it was said but yep, he changed a lot. For the worse. Told another friend who said tt it was his loss without my influence. This I can't say, 'cos he didn't strike me as being like tt when I first got to know him, and even when we broke up (twice) he wasn't like tt.

I say this objectively, not 'cos I hate him. Frankly I was shocked, and I actually wanted to sms him to tell him how horrible he looked for his good (but decided not to, I mean who am I to tell him?). He's really fallen badly.

I'm strangely not angry. Concerned, perhaps. But am reminded of Jeremy. Jeremy's someone whom I've been ignoring for a long time ('cos he did something which I wasn't happy abt) but he's been sending msgs wishing me all the best, talking abt God etc. I don't want to be like tt. If the person doesn't want me around, I'll leave, and that's how I've been treating DW.

I wonder why I still care so much. Or maybe I'm just sentimental now. Feeling confident i.e. not clingy I-miss-you-need-you, more like I-want-to-comfort-you. Honestly I've stuck by my principles and ethics even after this rship, been not being as cruel and ugly as I cld, and been pretty faithful i.e. didn't reveal secrets and I do judge my words before I speak. I have a feeling guys don't like to be comforted (want to feel macho etc.), but I'm not sure about tt. I don't know how pple could just leave, really - I really honestly cannot fathom how they could just throw a bomb and leave it exploding and exploding. I don't know, and it's been giving me mixed signals - not him but it. It is not me to hate especially not someone I loved. It is me to believe pple are essentially good, they must have been provoked by sth etc. I think I've grown a bit wiser with time but from a young age I was always known to be innocent and naive - the one who got tricked and bullied. By God's grace I can look at this rship and look at him now and just look at it with a calmness and detachment.

But I was angry today. Now tt it boils down to it I don't know if I was angry with him, though I told some friends I was. Maybe it was a lot of things. I was angry at the start of the day already 'cos I was just so sian and tired of all the studying (yep hurt myself again). I was angry with my classmate, 'cos I felt he was really insensitive. He's been irritating me for quite some time already - I tried to be nice, but there's one characteristic I cannot stand and which I'm mad at him and another girl for - too clingy.

Was studying with Sijia, then he came over, didn't know where he wasn't wanted. Just sat there and stared at us but we ignored him and continued studying then he stared ahead. After tt Steph came and Sijia went off with her. Asked me to come but I said no, I wanted to study in the canteen - which was a mistake 'cos although I did want to study in the canteen (I always do every morning before a paper) I didn't want to study with that guy, plus he had a smell which did sicken me - I'm sorry, really, I don't want to be mean, it just does sicken me. So I was memorising quotes for Plath really hard 'cos I needed to and then the moment Sijia went off he turned to me and started asking me questions tt I couldn't answer about the Lit texts, knowing v well tt I was busy. Was v pissed with his insensitivity.

It was v obvious I didn't want to talk. I was already in a bad mood at the start of the day, and he made me in a worse mood so I kinda ignored him (of course I answered his qns but I wasn't quite helpful 'cos I really didn't know the ans) and the moment we finished our qn and ans I would quickly turn back to my bk and study and ignore him. And then I saw DW and all his pai-kia nonsense, and I was so distracted by DW and him I couldn't study. I can't study when there's a guy I don't like sitting beside me -he wasn't sitting too close in normal standards but because I didn't like him he was sitting too close for my comfort. Then later he left to don't know where though his bag was still there on the bench, and I wanted to go anyway so I went off without him.

Lit 3 wasn't good.

Didn't finish the last essay - and by didn't finish I mean really didn't finish. My Plath is bad, the qns were difficult, the choir was singing v loudly outside (which got me v irritated 'cos it really distracted me - couldn't think and during a paper such as Lit esp. I need to think) and blah.

But I think it wasn't just the paper. I think it's me too. Just v sian. Really v v sian. Yest I didn't even bother to pretend to my father and portray a 'perfect daughter' image, he asked how I was and I just said 'Sian. Study so much for what?!' Seems like the common word I use now is 'sian'. I just feel so lethargic, I have to keep my eyes open and drag myself through all my revision. Lit 3 did not interest me recently and as for Geog...

(Tt's why I'm coming online so much. Partly 'cos I want to rant. Partly also 'cos I'm either overconfident or lazy, just too sian of everything already.)

One more day. Tomorrow afternoon is Human Geog. I've done Tourism and most of Urban, so today is to finish up Urban, do Population and Economic Geog (sigh), read the Prelim stuff etc (i.e. extra stuff besides just notes) and memorise points (i.e. go through everything all over again - which I've realised from Physical Geog is not fast). Quite a lot to do huh?

Phy Geog was ok. Hope Human Geog's good.
Lit 1 was better than Lit 3, Lit 8 (next Thursday) is my strongest paper.

Smsed a few friends last night abt my spiritual probs. Praying yes, but just v sian. It's like yep I read verses, I pray, I know God has good plans for me and tt I shld work hard for His glory but everything just seems so difficult. I'm tired. I'm very tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I don't even smile anymore. I'm quite stoned, weary.

Yep so tt's it. Pray pls. God bless. :) Tomorrow after the exams I'm going out with my classmates to party!!!

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 01:34 p.m.

Monday, November 17, 2003

Saviour of my soul, to your strength I yield control
Purge me from my stain, Sin will lose its mortal reign
Make me free... -Purified | Michael W. Smith

I deleted the long entry I typed up. It was filled with so much anger, distortion and confusion it should not be put online especially when a lot of people read it.

I made the mistake of not turning to God at the first signs of depression. I went down and finally left Coffee Bean. It was quite complicated. I outlined it and stated what I was angry with earlier but deleted it. Will examine it hopefully after the exam period when I will by His will work out depression for good. Browsed a book in the library about it yesterday which has shown itself to be helpful already.

Yes, depression is really a signal that something is wrong and needs to be fixed.

Now, instead of focusing on what made me angry earlier, let me focus on the amazing goodness of God.

Believe it or not, I remembered the Australian applications deadlines wrongly. So although it will take 5 to 10 days for my applications to reach Australia (decided not to pay per envelope for SpeedPost on mom's advice), the applications will still make it on time and no e-mails need be exchanged between me and the Australian universities to inform them of the delay. The earliest deadline is 30th November, and the deadline in Melbourne (my first choice) is the 20th of December. I am also thankful that through this incident I will appreciate it even more if I do get a place in the Australian universities - I won't take it for granted.

My parents do care for me if I could just see it. So do my friends. I just need constant affirmations, but I'm glad I told kor my distortion with him. I have a few distortions with other people too - need to clear them up.

I did complete some work during study today, but I wanted to do more and was frustrated at that and many other incidents. I am going to bathe now, with the Christian music playing and then do work. I'm thankful that some friends are quite understanding - they didn't think I was just using depression as an excuse, but told me to take a rest.

Ultimately though, the focus lies with God, and I should just focus on God and I'll be fine. I just want to do the best for Him. I just want to please Him. I want to stop sinning and swearing. I want to start praying more and talking to Him more instead of just during meals. I pray that God will forgive me and draw me back to Him. Thank you for praying for me, and please continue to do so.

My comfort, my shelter, tower of refuge and strength
Let every breath, all that I am, never cease to worship You -Shout To The Lord | Michael W. Smith

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 04:33 p.m.

Monday, November 17, 2003

The Guthrie House Coffee Bean staff were their usual selves, cheerful and friendly, enjoying the work and each other's company. Soft hearty laughter came from behind the counter and blended with the Christmas jazz from the speakers.
A dash of melancholy seeped into the little corners of my heart. This is my favourite season, not because of the holidays, and one of my favourite Christmas songs 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas' came to a gentle life in the midst of calm serenity. I looked at the angel on my right, gold, with silver glitter wings and glitter flute, with a red cloth about him, playing silent music in the midst of silver tinsel and plastic green leaves. At that moment I just felt sad.
Coffee Bean, mochas, cafes, dreaming, writing, singing silent songs which go not beyond the heart. My blog is dashed with little bits of the life I lead.
I lead a different life in a different world, a world which few appreciate and know.
And I realise on recollection that DW never appreciated or accepted this life. He never knew me and he didn't try to.
I wanted to invite Sean down to study together, but I didn't want people to misunderstand. This world is not school, people don't know him so they wouldn't speak badly about him. But this is my life. I have friends at Coffee Bean who saw my relationship when it lasted, saw me sad, tired or angry, asked about my relationship and were sorry it ended. I have friends who let me smell fresh tea leaves, try new drinks, talked about food and meal combinations and gave nice food recommendations. I have friends who know me by name and what I like. I love the environment.
This is my life and I wonder if anyone will ever understand it.
I want to love again, because whatever trouble a relationship is, being in love is a wonderful thing, personally. I long to take a guy and tell him all my secrets, love him with all my heart and serve him. I long to put him on a pedestal and shower affection out of duty and feeling.
A relationship only falls when one or both parties stop loving and trying. Love is demonstrated in action, not words.
It is a great insult to say I miss him. I do not, nor do I wish to.
I stopped loving when the evening leaves caught fire. I stopped loving anyone. I've stated openly a few times in my life that I wasn't as important as I wanted to be to a few guys, but nothing really changed. I judge by actions, not words, if I'm important.
I never force myself into someone's life and I've stopped smsing and sharing unless it is initiated by the other party.
I will not maintain friendships unless I feel I matter.
There is so much I can give, but nobody wants it.
I bet some of my friends don't even read my blog seriously. DW didn't. I can name a few more names.
If you really say you love me as a friend, how can you not know something so important to me?
It is contradictory - I don't put in effort in friendships yet I expect much from people.
I don't know. I'm just emotionally drained and empty now. Maybe... I have nothing to give after all. I don't feel. Love gives me pleasure no more.
I never could live in this world. I never fit in anywhere.

I am not content with having fun like I do with many friends. I don't know what I want. Life appears too superficial and meaningless. The sun is fallling into a chasm and I'm chasing it alll the way down.

Wrote the above at Coffee Bean this morning, where I splurged on breakfast. It was good - yum. Salted, peppered and garnished warm scrambled eggs, 2 warm sausages, real fruits (prune, apricot, etc. nice fruits) and toasted bread with jam (didn't put butter). Changed coffee/tea to Ultimate Iced-Blended. .30 in total. >< I was shocked at the price, but v stoned today so just paid. I came back to school to get the Australian applications, going to Sixth Ave post office to post everything. Hope I don't have to waste all the stamp money I already spent when I switched to DHL. Yes, thank you for telling me it's DHL. I was wondering if it was Duplex? Dumex? D----?! LOL. Slipped my mind. By the way you write in a way that strikes me well, especially because it's in capital and small letters and you wrote my name with a capital letter like 'Esther', which I like. I wonder who you are 'cos you sound like Xin Yi but I don't think you are her.

Left my bag at Coffee Bean. Going to stay there the whole day. Haven't been studying. Bad. I should call up someone to accompany me - I need study companions, but I don't feel like taking a guy down (don't want to be misunderstood) and for some reason I don't want to be around people in the first place. Hope Xin Yi comes later after her History exam though, though it'll be at um 6p.m.? And most prob she wouldn't want to come either - the poor girl prob mugged and slogged so much she would want to go home and rest since she doesn't have a paper tomorrow she needs to mug for anyway - but I smsed her anyway just in case. :)

Feeling happier now. Something happened when I came online (in sch lib now, comp lab being used for Provisional Admissions Exercise lalala). Was v tired this morning, emotionally drained, which caused physical fatigue. Daydreamed of rainbows but they were grey, the rose petals were brown and withered and the rain kept falling in straight tears. My head hurts slightly but at least I'm feeling better though I don't like being alone today (unfortunately this doesn't make me call or sms).

Talking about calling or smsing I haven't been replying sms. All sms from all people. Except an 'Ok.' to Mom which already shows something is wrong 'cos that's a one-word answer. I'm sorry. I just don't have any feeling. Numb. No energy. So don't feel like. Nothing personal. I know Esther messaged me. -hugs- Really hope you're doing well.

Haven't been praying or thinking about God. Prayed yest when I posted yest's entry, and today during breakfast - no, my prayers are not just to thank God for the food, they're more than that. Been listening to Michael Card's Soul Anchor in the discman, but it's not affecting me as much as I want it to. Christians go through cycles of being close to God then being slightly distant. I'm not afraid that I'll not be picked up - I will, but well now I'm just so drained and numb.

Been doing mind and genital injury today and yest, purposely too. And it hurts physically. -grr at self-

Geog looks interesting, really. I am supposed to love Geog and I do. Tourism esp. Should start on it soon and have fun. :) Going to post office then back to CB. The ambience is good.

Take care, and well, I'm really sorry if I sound selfish. Too wrapped up in personal problems and sian to care. God doesn't fail anyone though - you and me, so well God bless all my friends when I'm not around.

Uh. No, the above 'I'm not around' wasn't a suicide threat. Just out of everything now - tired and drained. -hugs and kitten whiskers-

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:01 a.m.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Hm. I came online again and read my own blog. Studied just a v little bit of Geog. Must study more later, esp. 'cos I realise my Lit3 esp. Passage To India (Foster) is bad (need to quickly study Geog then do Lit). Plus I am not interested in Modern Lit.

But I am tired. And I do not have the sense of urgency. Yet. In fact, I am very sick of studying.

Tomorrow I will be going to school to get all the envelopes from Mr. Yeow and post the Australian applications myself. Hopefully they get there by Thursday. Jac says to use some close substitute of Fedex - can't remember the name exactly, it's D----.

This issue got me very angry.

'When Asian-American Lucy Liu wore even more revealing clothes in the movie Charlie's Angels, it hardly raised any eyebrows among Singaporeans.'

There are at least 16 verses in Leviticus that stress the issue of modesty. Genesis 9 speaks of the curse on Ham as a result of his ill-regard for his father's modesty. All of us under the law (everyone, Christian and non-Christian alike) are to take the issue of modesty seriously, what more a Christian, and a Christian leader. 1 Corinthians 6:12 says 'All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.' and 1 Corinthians 10:23 writes 'All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.' Stricter standards are outlined to Christian leaders especially (see 1 Timothy 3 for the qualifications of bishops and deacons). 1 Timothy 3:7 - 'Moreover he must have a good report of them which are without [i.e. he must be blameless not only in front of Christians but non-Christians as well]; lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil.' The point is not about someone else wearing revealing clothes. We are not comparing who wore more revealing clothes. The point is that the behaviour exhibited by Ho Yeow Sun is contrary to scripture. The point is that her behaviour has raised concerns and sparked a controversy, or rather 'set tongues wagging' among both the Christian and non-Christian community. It does not matter that someone else isn't targeted for wearing revealing clothes, what is important is that Ms. Ho IS targeted. Even if we want to go into the very minor Lucy Liu issue: I don't know if Lucy Liu is a Christian, at any rate she is not a famous Christian leader like Ms. Ho is, and hence Rev. Kong Hee has totally missed the point in saying what he just did.

He said his office has been inundated with e-mail and letters by Singaporeans, encouraging Sun to ignore the critics and keep doing Singapore proud in the international scene.

In the entire article, there is NOT A SINGLE MENTION of God. Where is the glory due unto God?

The recent publicity surround ing Ms Ho has not gone down well with some of the 15,000 church members who want her to choose - church or showbusiness. And if she doesn't, they threaten to quit the church...The letter writers added: 'We are embarrassed to attend City Harvest and are seriously considering attending another church if Pastor Ho continues to add more controversy.'

There is something seriously wrong with the attitudes of the congregation. In clear-cut right-wrong cases such as these and controversies which have lasted long enough, I would think that the writers would already have transferred church or searched for another one instead of just 'seriously considering attending another church'. Furthermore, the problem is not with 'add[ing] more controversy' but with the current controversy which has already been created - in effect the letter is suggesting that it is ok to have done what she did as long as she doesn't do it again, which is clearly wrong. The letter should rather admonish and discipline present behaviour according to scripture instead of condoning it. 'And if she doesn't, they threaten to quit the church' -> It is the responsibility of a Christian and a member of the church to first admonish then abstain from the person/environment (1 Cor 5) if the person refuses to repent. Quitting the church should also not be about them i.e. 'I am unhappy therefore I quit' but about God i.e. 'this environment does not please God, thus it would not please God if I should stay here.' Somehow the way words have been phrased in the letter and article suggests that God has not been taken into consideration, but merely man's ideas of Christianity.

Last week, The Sunday Times received a letter which suggested that if she wishes to pursue her singing career, she should step down officially from the church 'to avoid bringing more shame' to City Harvest.

Once again, there is no mention of God. It's about the church, 'bringing more shame to City Harvest'.

I find it very disturbing that the church plays her music videos before the services. My two children attend the children's church and they have been told to pray for her.

It is ok to pray for someone, but too much stress has been placed on Ms. Ho's career that God has taken a very backseat. Also the secular and spiritual have obviously merged as evidenced from the playing of her music videos before service. The time before service should be spent quietly preparing the heart for the service, definitely not watching a singer perform! Obviously the church has been degraded to being just a ground for free advertising and promotion, not evangelism (to non-Christians) or edification (of saints). Someone rightly quoted once, "I looked for the church and I found it in the world. I looked for the world and alas, I found it in the church." The sanctity and holiness of God's temple and worship have been severely undermined.

But Rev Kong, 39, said he would 'never force my members to support her singing career against their will'.

It's not about the singing career. It's about God. You are not even a Sunday Christian - You don't even show any guilt or remorse for your actions; you must have kept rejecting God's prompting until your spiritual thermometer is really insensitive or perhaps you are not really saved.

He added: 'We can't please everyone and people do vote with their feet. So, if there is a philosophical difference in our world view and the way we do things in City Harvest, they would leave...'What's good is that we have 400-over wonderful churches to choose from in Singapore, and they should settle into a church that they feel comfortable in.'

That is not the attitude. The duty of a church is to worship and glorify God, edify and evangelise. The church should aim to please God and not men. The church is not a commodity that is chosen by selective consumers i.e. 'I feel comfortable in [this church]' - choices should be made based on how much spiritually sound it is. It's not about 'philosophical difference', 'world view' or 'the way we do things at City Harvest'. Everything boils down to the Bible, what God says, and not men's fallible and subjective perceptions. It is a serious matter to leave the church as well as to allow a member to leave the church - leaving the church is a public declaration of rejection of God as well as a public slam at the church. It should not be taken lightly, and the leaders of the church have a responsibility to call the church to order.

But that does not stop the church from calling her a 'pastor' in the broader sense of the word, to recognise her contributions.

'her contributions'?! Why is it about her?

'There are a lot of pastors with part-time secular careers. Even the great Apostle Paul of the Bible was a tent-maker.'

This is very weak logic. Being a tent-maker is basic livelihood, not a secular career. There is a difference between being an accountant and a pop star, not only in the nature of the job but also in terms of public expectations and views. The fact that Paul was a tent-maker by vocation and not just a pastor simply showed his reliance on God and himself, and not imposing on others for his basic necessities. A pastor should be called to full-time service simply because church is not just a Sunday CCA-like affair, and requires organization and proper control. Of course full time service does not apply as a prerequisite to preachers and leaders.

'Not at all. I think the overwhelming majority of our members love Ho and I a lot...They saw how we started from practically nothing 14 years ago and built the whole ministry through sheer grit, hard work and wise planning.'

Once again mention is made solely of HUMAN EFFORT to 'build the whole ministry', which ironically is supposed to be spiritual. The 'ministry' has been degraded to a simple company for man's glory and not God's.

'We have two cars: a small Nissan Sunny and a bigger Audi...Wealth and Christianity are not mutually exclusive. The Christian faith is not inconsistent with a successful, fulfilling and satisfying life...I have learnt to live within my means. Regular savings, wise financial budgeting and no deficit spending.'

It's still all about him and how he is such a self-made man. There is no mention of God or his spiritual life. What is mentioned is 'Christianity' and 'The Christian faith', and the tone and word choice suggest that 'Christianity' to the couple is not about a personal relationship with God, nothing about being a sinner, needing God's forgiveness, having your sins paid for and washed away by Jesus' blood and being called by God to accept His free gift of salvation and walk in His path to glorify Him. 'Christianity' to the couple appears to be just a religion, and I wonder what 'faith' they have in God if they do not speak a single word of Him.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:58 p.m.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

I'm feeling quite happy now. I think God worked through Hui Jun, 'cos we had a very good conversation. =)

I like Jevon, as a person, friend and Christian brother. He's been one of the people whom I used to and still do talk with on the phone. We used to be friends last time (friends as in not hi-bye acquaintances), then we drifted apart, and a while ago we became closer again. Like Sean, he's one of the guys whom I'm really comfortable with, people I can go out with, talk to (in real life and online) and tell my problems to. I don't like talking about my problems in detail on the phone, and I don't usually go beyond two sentences of summary if the other person asks (I talk a lot more with Xin Yi though, because she's my best friend and because I don't see her online too, but usually then that's when I'm more rational and less emotional), but I do talk about my problems online.

I like Jevon because he's sincere and frank and he cares about this friendship. We see each other in church and approach each other to say hi. We talk face-to-face in real life. We've studied a few times together. He calls. He smses once in a while. We talk online. We just had a very good 50 min chat yesterday. He shares his problems. He's not afraid of talking about taboo topics (I was impressed with Sean about this too - I believe myself to be fairly traditional and conservative yet quite uniquely liberal and wild, and also because I'm a writer in my own way, I believe in expression). He's sensitive and acts on it - haha just now he called just to say thank you and told me how what I did made him feel 'relieved and anxious - paradoxical' in his own words, and also asked me if I was pissed at something else.

Thinking of the various guy friends I have now. I don't only think about guys, I do think about my girl friends quite often too. But there are indeed certain things that certain guys did that have and will always touch me. I trust the two PubCo guys a lot though I haven't shared a lot with them. Kor sends sms that are very encouraging, appreciated and remembered. I always smile whenever Ge talks about 'Layout Day' 'cos he's the only one who says those two words haha, and certain things he said and did keep/have kept me going when I felt down (in sms -I'm just not specifying what he said exactly but I'm referring to specific sms, and in that very precious notebook). Sean was always there when I was at my lowest and I especially treasure that ICQ chat we had - one particular one which I copied and saved, as well as other few bits of conversation - a person whom I studied weeks with, went out with quite a few times, and exchanged a lot of sms and ICQ conversations with, someone whom I really share with. Then of course there's Maths, which is something I will always owe (and I don't mean that in a bitter or regretful way), and I will never forget all the laughter. I really enjoy myself, laugh heartily and have fun with him.

Then there's Weiliang (not from council), whom I appreciate a lot 'cos I got to know him through blogging. Another frank and deep person and someone whom I appreciated also 'cos he didn't leave with DW (frankly I thought when DW left a lot of his friends would leave, even mutual friends - it was my distortion working because I thought people who were vaguely associated with him would leave, but a lot of people didn't leave: Sean, Ramnik, Ailin, Raining as well (I don't say this in a proud way 'cos I don't see what it is that would make them stay but they did anyway and I'm just thankful for that), and the little things they do touch a lot, even a simple sms or knowing that they're still there. Daniel and Jason, whom I share my problems with as well. Sharing problems are not about wallowing in problems and self-pity. I don't like that. I like talking about them to find solutions, to be rational. There are a lot of other decent guys I can name, such as my church guy friends, but they're not close enough -they care, and Daniel (another Daniel) smsed a verse over a while back, but they're not as close as the other guys.

Anyway I didn't talk about the above guys in order or preference or anything, just divided them into council and non-council. Writing this 'cos Jevon touched me recently and also 'cos I'm not in depression now (I was earlier) and since I'm not I should write something positive that I've been feeling for a while so I can read it and remember it.

I've been feeling deep surges of anger in the past few days. Very angry anger, churning in the stomach and chest and making me breathless, distorting my perceptions. I thought I went down there again -I hate all guys, suicide etc-, but thank God it's over now and tomorrow I'll get started on the exam preparations.

Btw I don't like people commenting on how long I stay online, nor on my looks (these are personal things). I have grown uglier (more pimples - must be exam stress, but anyway I've been squeezing some a little obsessively and delighting at the pain which is bad). But on the bright side, it just occured to me this afternoon that my breasts may have grown. I realise I look quite sporty - what with that and the fact that my shoulders are broad and my arms are a 'lil muscular. It made me happy - a little physical indication that I was growing up and becoming a woman!!! Yay. Hahaha. :) (Plus it's not as superficial as just looks, but I'm not going to go into the deeper implications.)

I will never speak the above in real life. That is just for purely private physical update. Please tell me if you are disgusted and I will remove it with immediate effect (I hope).

It is my honest belief that I am a very ugly girl. But it does not matter.

I hope (see bracketed text two paragraphs up), because I have gone down and come up again (thus recovered) enough in the past two days to start the exam preparations for next week, and that I will. I have Modern Lit (Plath, Pinter and Foster) on Wednesday and Human Geog on Thur. And I am in BIG trouble, if you see how much effort I put in for Physical Geog and Lit 1 (A LOT) and compare it to how much effort I'm going to put into next weeks' papers (definitely way less than that). That is because I have not started on the revision for next week, whereas I studied Physical Geog way in advance and did more last week, and spent one scary day mugging Lit (Geog and Lit were on the same day, unlike what I posted earlier - remembered the timetable wrongly).

Anyway, the exam period has its merits even if it is extremely stressful and tiring.
1) I see and feel God. I talk to God ALL the time - during breakfast, during lunch, before each paper, after each paper, to school, from school, while washing up and before I sleep.
2) It's a learning experience, with God teaching me lessons.
3) I feel good knowing and understanding the concepts I study and getting them clear in my mind and studying very hard and trying my best for God.
4) The hectic schedule makes me prioritise and work at high productivity (which can be detrimental sometimes though).
5) So many friends and acquaintances have been just so nice they make me feel so selfish. I will not forget when Xinyan and Shujun (acquaintances) actually asked about Geog. I said 'it was ok' and they said 'well done' in a very approving way and patted me (not on the head; shoulder? can't remember) I think. It struck me 'cos their responses were different, they weren't 'good for you!' or 'that's good', they sounded approving. Strangely when they said that I just felt I'd done something right. And yep there were people who said good luck, asked about papers, asked me how I was, smsed, called, shared, whom I talked to (along the corridors, while waiting for papers to start, etc.)...yep it was so fairytale. I remember each person and if I wrote it down here it would be a very long list.
6) It's numbing. I put aside all problems to concentrate on the studying and papers.
7) I have goals (in studying, and after the As).
8) Certain little coincidences occurred. I was very sad after Econs Paper 2 so went to Coffee Bean with Xin Yi though I wasn't intending to go at first. Not only was that good for me emotionally, I also got coffee which eventually sustained me through the night and through the next day of Geog and Lit papers (one afternoon and night of very intensive studying, slept later and woke up earlier then took 6h of papers). That day I also wanted to study at the apartment but missed the stop on the way home, but that was helpful in the end 'cos I bathed then went out to the apartment and this extra stuff didn't take up a lot of time but made me feel better.

God bless you, and may I always strive for His glory, and not mine, and stay focused on Him. Please pray for me this weekend and next week thanks. I really have a lot to study and because Phy Geog and Lit 1 went ok I hope the next two papers won't pull everything down but will pull everything up.

Stopped thinking about DW already. It helps not to think about him. I hope I don't go back there like I did today and yesterday -anger, depression and more complex interrelationships.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:22 p.m.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

I am so pissed I just feel like crying.

My Australian university applications have not been sent in. And there I was waiting for a reply of acceptance from one of them.

Mr Yeow, I thought you would have sent them in, or at least told me about the problems instead of waiting for me to ask when you sent them in.

Applications have to reach Australia by Thursday you know, and the universities select on a first come first serve basis. I may not get in.

And I rushed the applications so much. I thought you sent them in. All this while I was waiting for the replies.

But it was my fault, I should have chased you more. I should have told you the deadlines. I should have told you that they selected on a first come first serve basis. Once you meet their requirements, they should accept. How many people want to go to Melbourne? The place may be full. Even if my predicted grades are AAAA, A1, which is WAY above the minimum requirement, I might not get in.

Crying.

I'm not angry at you anymore. I'm just sad, like what always happens after I get angry. First De Wen, then you. It's like, I thought it was natural, a socially minimum expectation for people to behave a certain way. But they don't, and they don't realise the consequences of their actions. It's like they don't even care.

And that, more than anything else, makes me sad. The idea that people just hurt and they don't care. At least you didn't hurt on purpose though, unlike him.

I'm just glad that you called after I smsed you to tell me the truth though. I wish you'd called earlier. Things are roughly settled now. I just need to say this on my blog though. I am a writer. And I write.

I shouldn't have gone online last night, and today I'm sitting in front of the computer on my marathon again. I don't want to call anyone or sms anyone. I don't want to be a bother. Again.

I...should never have expected anything from De Wen. All he said were lies. Yet I clung to them. It's just me not wanting to hurt people, wanting to believe people are good, but...this is one guy whom I wonder has a heart.

If you wanted a breakup, why didn't you just say so? Why did you have to lie so much? Why couldn't you tell me the truth? Why did you sugarcoat whatever little it was that you said? Why did you lie? Why did you lie? Why?!

I might not have been able to take the truth, but I was forced to accept it in the end, and along with it the discoveries that everything you said was a lie. Congratulations - you sure know how to hurt. I guess after 2 years of relationship with me and my sharing you knew all my weaknesses and how you could best tear me down.

I don't know. I'm just crying now, just hurting so much. I can't believe you could be so cruel. I can't believe anyone could be so cruel.

And I can't believe I spent 2 years of my life in a most stressed situation bothering to love someone who didn't care and who didn't matter and the fact that the wounds are still there, and that I was the one who always initiated, I was the one who always worried, always cried, and now I'm still the one hurting.

You just do things knowing very well that they hurt, but you don't care. You don't care at all. There is no God in you, Soh De Wen, no God.

Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:29 p.m.

Friday, November 14, 2003

I'm troubled.

The jerk hurt me, I won't say how exactly but he did something. I tried to block it off and not feel the hurt, but it's eating me up inside.

Haven't seen him in a very long time, am thankful for that, and hope I'll never see him again.

It'll be ok in a while. I just...wish I could hit something, but it would only bring me down. I have a lot of pride and when I get into one of my moods like this i.e. stop focusing on God, I feel wary and guarded. I feel an urge to succeed, to get the As, to get into Uni, to do well in Uni, to be a successful person with a successful career, raise my standards in 'world' and not spiritual terms.

But as a writer, I will always tell the truth on my blog, and perhaps this is my weakness. The truth is, I fear greatly, and I will not let any person take advantage of me again. I will succeed, and you, the jerk, will watch me succeed. First I strip your name, then I realise that the word 'him' gives you a timeless mysterious air because it is so unknown. That is not what I want. My best friend and I have renamed you jerk but that is not cruel enough.

I want to be more cruel but I can't. I want to make you hurt, to pay for your crime dearly, to make you suffer so much... I am, and I have been, trying to control myself. Don't worry really, I won't murder you or hang a banner in school denouncing you or something.

As usual I will hurt myself.

So by all means hurt me, everyone, because you won't suffer the consequences. My words just lash is all, but they're just words, and what are words to a writer? They don't speak the pain.

On another note, I have been hurting myself every single day. 30-40 minutes of mind and genital injury on Monday, and tearing skin and nails for the next few days. I just keep tearing, the same part, each layer.

And nobody knows.

I have much to be thankful for really. The exams were ok. God has been very gracious and ever-present, my friends and acquaintances have been fantastic, I have studied non-stop and can sincerely say I tried my best, certain circumstances have led to favourable conclusions, and I have not seen the jerk at all.

I just feel so empty now. Not lonely. Just angry I guess. I don't know at what too. WHen I look at him I feel so much disgust, distaste and revulsion, he's reduced to ~~animal~~ beast status. I don't pray for him, I stopped long ago. I really don't care what happens to him, it doesn't matter really. In fact some people have agreed that he really doesn't deserve certain things, I won't say what. I agree. I think he's scum. Very low-down, despicable rotten scum. And I'm sorry jerk, I have nothing good to say about you now, nor do I want to find it.

Talked to my mom today. Didn't name names, but just told her that I never forgive. It isn't that bad in a sense that friends like Xin Yi and Mei (most people really) needn't really bother about this 'cos even if they hurt (even if), they would never hurt to the point of needing forgiveness. I never forget, I remember some incidents very clearly. That's why I end up hating myself because the only person I really can't forgive is myself. And I guess to a lesser extent some guys of my past and present. And right now, the jerk is inducing in me a very deep and fired-up anger.

I want to hurl all sorts of things at you, call you names and kick your fucking face, hurt you in the worst way possible. I want to cover your mouth so I won't hear your screams 'cos I hate your voice and I don't even want to hear it. Actually I don't even want to look at you anymore so I rather I just toss you int