17/11 - Sunday
It's amazing how I got started reading the Bible again. De Wen told me the story of Esther and I was amazed that I had forgotten many of the story's facts. I had gained some Bible knowledge from my sound Christian education from birth: bible stories, Children's Club and Sunday School but because of my lack of involvement in Bible Study or Fellowship Groups, and more importantly the lack of observance of Quiet Time, the knowledge that I had was only limited. I read the Book of Esther tonight, and slept at 9.45p.m..
Dream
I dreamed a strange dream. I dreamed that the councillors were sitting in a circle. Yexiang was on my left, Aishu was on my right and Wei Liang was opposite me, the rest of the councillors in blurred haze. We were cutting up sanitary pads into repeated figures of dolls, like the kinds you see in paper doll strings only this time they were cut out of sanitary pads. Yexiang was cutting up the pads in typical Yexiang zeal and vigour.
HK (18/11 - 23/11) Report Part 1
18/11 - Monday
I woke up just after 5 in the morning. My mother was brilliant, having arranged for the holiday to be as value-for-money as possible, organising our departure and arrival times to be early in the morning and late at night respectively. I called De Wen for a goodbye chat, and smsed Xin Yi since I'd forgotten to call her last night. I'd forgotten to call Lin Min last evening to discuss our part of next Sunday's Sunday School programme too. I had planned not to bring my discman and my scrunchie, reasons being I didn't want to be so cooped up listening to my discman so much so that I neglect the fellowship with my family members (evidenced during my most recent Malaysian trip) and I also didn't see the point in bringing my scrunchie as it would be easier for me to just let my hair down, and letting my hair down would also allow me to lean against the back of my chair.
On the way out of the house I remembered to bring my blue Bible as well as tuck a nice notebook into my bag. As I was in a hurry and had to settle for the first notebook I saw, I ended up bringing along the yellow Azone notebook that was handed out to each of the councillors at the beginning of our council term. Unfortunately, I forgot to bring my coat and the bands for my teeth and it was only when I was tucked safely in the taxi that my mother noticed the absence of my blue coat, and I noticed the lack of teeth bands. My blue coat, which was supposed to be part of my morning attire, was left hanging on the chair where it was put out for me last night. I had not only forgotten to put the bands on my teeth after morning wash up, but also forgotten to bring the entire set of bands. I was not in a particularly good mood, but my mother only lightly chided me for my forgetfulness.
$30.85 for a taxi ride is far from cheap, but that was the price for a half hour ride to the airport, plus booking before 6. The specific breakdown of the fare was as follows: $5 for the booking charge, just a little more than $17 for the journey itself and a little over $8 as part of the 50% surcharge. We checked in, took the usual Burger King meal that we have a habit of taking whenever we are at the airport waiting to depart or waiting for someone to arrive, and found ourselves safely on board a Cathay Pacific flight in a while. We had 4 seats together in the middle section of the plane right in front of the big screen, which was good because that seating position gave us a lot of leg room for comfort. I was surprised and thankful to note that the journey from Singapore to Hong Kong would only take 3 hours and 25 minutes. There was a problem with the baggage transfer belt so there was a little delay in the checking in, but during that time I wrote two verses.
I loved you with the breath of a shooting star's fire
I loved you with the song of a tumultuous sea's ire
I knew beyond my heart's desire that I would love you still
With all my heart and soul and mind and all my strength and will
XXX
The raindrops came in glistened stars
As comets riding Mars
And pattered on my windowsill
My emptiness to fill
Each drop did pat and comfort me
The mind was there to see
The dewy crystal droplets
In splendid poverty
I felt sick but did not make a scene by throwing up. I only asked for a cup of coke and refused to eat my lunch. I remember being a little impatient with my mother because she was insisting that I eat, and retorted 'I don't want to eat. Why are you forcing me?' I was surprised that came out but I prayed for forgiveness concerning my rude behaviour later.
I took away with me the memories of my friends in Singapore during my trip to Hong Kong. Somehow at home we tend to take our close friends for granted but when we leave home, an immensely painful pang of homesickness and longing hits us and we remember the people whom we have temporarily left behind. I was fortunate to have good memories to cling on to. In a fit of nostalgia I remembered De Wen, and felt the strains of Michael Card wash over me. I remembered Xin Yi and the sms I'd sent her before I left familiar ground. I remembered Chooi Mei, Wen Bing, Jillz, Alanna (and from there Siming, Mark and Kiezin). I remembered Ailin, Kelvin, the rest of the councillors dancing to Give It To You, dear Nat, Grace, Harris, Lucius, Tash, Si Jia, and all my Sunday School mates.
But most of all I remembered Christine, because it was her home I was visiting, because I was so close to seeing her face to face and yet so far. I had no chance to contact her and tell her I was coming to Hong Kong because I hadn't been online in the few days preceding my Hong Kong trip due to sickness and fatigue, and because I was scared. After the incident with Jeremy my father was so upset I got into trouble about the way I made friends online. I did not want to have to answer to my father on how I had met Christine. I thought of everything I associated with her, and I was amazed at what I remembered. Everything just came naturally to me, the autumn background which I loved, the way she did the leaves, Christianity, "something about my boring life", MSS, Kristy, Anna, Prisca, Civics Education team, Librarians, Econs, Pure Math, CL & C, teachers, sister, broadband, computers. My mind flashed to the two pictures I'd seen of her, namely the cute child and the one at a party. Then I recalled NeoPets and I realise I trusted the people there because we were connected as a community and in a working relationship. Christine, Jillz, Penny, everyone on council, everyone who had been on council. I'd known these people for a long time, and I remembered and trusted them all.
I told De Wen why I stopped trusting people so much, because I had been betrayed by 3 people whom I had trusted because they were Christian. A close church friend whom even my parents knew betrayed me, so did Jeremy, a Sunday School teacher, and finally the worse abuser of all, a firend of my preacher friend. I'm not so naive and stupid that I don't do my background checks. To think these people would betray me was appalling. But NeoPets was different because we worked on projects and had common goals. We helped each other and through a professional relationship trust was built up, and strengthened through blogging.
I had so much time to think because we were involved in a package, though it was free-and-easy and the other people in the same group as we were in had not reported to the person-in-charge yet. I had time to pen down my thoughts while I waited. My mother was telling my brother about Hong Kong using a map, later telling me when she found my brother was not listening. I found out that Hong Kong is actually made up of three main islands, namely Lantau Island (where the airport is situated), the main island (I forgot its name), and Hong Kong Island, and that to get to our hotel, which was on the main island, we had to take a coach and cross a bridge.
The rest of the people in our group soon arrived, a few women and many children, and we left the airport for the coach. Hong Kong airport was beautiful, its steel bars twisting this way and that, connecting to form a modern metallic shine. Outside the airport a statue stood alone, in serene bliss, red melting from the bottom of its pose to gold brilliance at its crown. I had been preparing myself for the cold weather which I assumed was vastly different from the equatorial heat back home, refusing to wear a coat when the air-conditioning was just a slight too cold. Perhaps I had prepared myself too much though, so much so that my skin had thickened and leathered enough for me to avoid the pang of fresh biting cold that I had anticipated. Rather, the freeze gave way to disappointment at not even a hint of fridgidity. Perhaps this was air-conditioning in moderation, or autumn was really so...hot.
The clear windows of the roof of the airport were arched like the fly-eye roundess of the esplanade, only more beautifully crafted into splendid smoothness. The white bars spoke of purity as the windows of the world let light from the heavens in to illumine diversity. We boarded the coach which would take us about 45 minutes journey to the hotel.
I was in a particularly romantic mood, gasping 'beautiful, beautiful' at each sight. I admired the harbour and the rail. I admired the landscape, with its hills green and undulating, shrouded in foggy mist until they vanished slowly from the naked eye. The buildings puzzled me, interestingly tall and narrow, white with green windows. I stared at the short T-shaped street lamps, and the black birds that were either 'just there' or in flight, statues along the road suspended and propped by steel bars anchoring them to the ground no matter how hard they flapped. The rocks were intriguingly smooth like the walls one uses for rock-climbing. What was most amazing though, was the bridge connecting the islands. The only bridges we see here are little Benjamin Sheares bridges stretching over a short distance. But in Hong Kong, the bridge was simply magnificent in design and structure, stretching over vast distances of green, steel curving from top to bottom in simple intricacies. The city was beautiful, with the green water and boats on its edge, and its buildings and shopping centres. I discovered the congested houses were a result of the high land prices. Apparently, Hong Kong has a larger land area than Singapore but a smaller 'useful' land area as quite a bit of land is hilly. Being the geography person that I am, I looked at the steep terraced rocks and deduced that they were so to prevent landsiding. I was puzzled though because the rocks looked too hard to landslide, its smoothness probably carved by weathering. We made our way into the Cheung Tsing tunnel.
Hong Kong Island was abuzz with activity. Bus 61x was a typically air-conditioned bus with red and green seats, similar to the ones back home but different in the sense that the seats were individually cut and not joined together. Kowloon the Olympian City had a speed limit of 50 or 60. The car license plate numbers included two letters at the front e.g. JT and GF. The city looked like Chinatown, with small shops lining the road. A woman sold colourful cartoon character cushions and bedroom slippers in a little space in the wall outside the Champion Building. A Pooh cushion cost HK$58. The sidewalk was clean, and the students that passed were clad in nice uniforms. Wing On Shopping Centre screamed 'Christmas Sale' while I noticed that Star Ferry 6A, a double decker bus, had their back seats facing each other in foursome privacy. There were public light buses. There was Mannings, the equivalent of Guardian Pharmacy, with nearly the same logo and shop design. My father commented on the clever concept of having a bus stop located under a bridge to save space, opposite a market. We checked into the Pruton Prudential Hotel just above the Jordan MTR Station and started exploring the city. From Jordan we took a train to Admiralty and then to Causeway Bay. That night was a night of shopping at Causeway Bay and Queenstown. The 3-floor Watsons, complete with escalators and within close proximity of the hotel, was an inevitable necessity, supplying water and bargain goods. I didn't like the bath at the hotel for some reason, perhaps because I wasn't used to the facilities, but I managed to take a quick bath before reading the Bible and going to bed. Travelling tires me a bit and I don't watch much television before resting for the next day of activity.
Dream
I had another strange dream. We were all young and blonde little children on a grassy plain. I was the only girl, with 5 boys around me. We played, but soon I was engaged to be married to this one little boy. We had our wedding rehearsal in a little wooden barn place, and his aunties were all talking excitedly about us. I put my arm round him and he did the same towards me and we walked out of the barn after the rehearsal with his aunties watching us and I knew I didn't want to marry him but I didn't have anyone to speak up for me because his family was in full support of our marriage and I didn't have a family. We went to the cliffs overlooking the sea where the breeze was blowing and the waves were crashing on the rocks below. We sat down together on the grass and I was upset but I don't think he knew. His uncles came over on their bicycles and said they wanted to go down. We watched in horror as they went over the edge but when we peered down we saw them cycling backwards down the steep grassy slope littered with various rocks in a beautiful setting. I told him he could go down if he wanted and he did. When he went down, I got up and ran as fast as I could to the barn. I was upset, and it was getting dark. I cried and I called De Wen, dialing the number I knew by heart. He was at the farm but sensing the urgency he came. He came with his parents but the most illogical thing was that he was kneeling on the middle back seat of an SBS bus looking through the glass back at me and while the rain pattered in the dark the bus kept moving away from me. The eerie thing is, it's not the first time I've dreamed of this bus image with him inside. Still he came and I was crying, 'Take me away, please, take me away' and he did. His parents brought me to a coffee shop (perhaps in Jurong) and his mother bought me a bowl of Yong Tau Foo Bee Hoon. The dream ends with us all at the table.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:15 p.m.
Saturday, November 30, 2002
(From Chooi Mei's Blog)
What Orlando Bloom are You?
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(From Natalie's Blog)
What Sign of Affection Are You?
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cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be close to your special someone and feel warm, comfortable, and needed
Which Harry Potter Candy are you?
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What Moulin Rouge Character Are You?
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Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:27 a.m.
Saturday, November 30, 2002
I've stopped being lame. I've only said 1 lame joke in 2 days. I don't even continue when De Wen makes a lame joke and sometimes I ignore that totally. This is very unlike me.
The 'touch' factor has also gone back down to holding hands and getting massages. No hugs no kissing. I was never one to offer my affections but now I even restrict receiving affections. Even looking at photos of couples in each other's arms make me uncomfortable and irritated. What is wrong with me?
Depression. Full of crying and chest constrictions. Tonight I came online and chatted and didn't do anything else. I didn't read any blogs nor blogged. Maybe I shouldn't stress myself so much on blogs. After all now that I have broadband I seem online all the time so I find a greater urge to accomplish my work whereas in the past I could work offline on other things. Now I feel the need to use the Internet and I associate the Internet with work.
I slept a lot today. I woke up at 10 then went out with DW for a while before falling asleep at about 4 something (just after reaching home) until dinner. I want to sleep.
I'm becoming awfully morbid, self-injuring and death-seeking. I feel like jumping off a high point, throwing myself onto the street or slashing myself with a knife. Then I see myself as some fake person who just keeps thinking of suicide and whining when there's actually nothing wrong with me at all. Then I imagine myself pulling my hair and slapping my face and throwing myself onto the hard wooden floor and pointing a finger at myself and yelling 'BITCH!!!!!!!!' like I always do. I always see myself as another person. I've been telling some of my deepest frustrations to DW. I wonder what he thinks. Maybe now he knows how bad I am in secret under all that sugary niceness.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:00 a.m.
Friday, November 29, 2002
Happy Birthday Victoria!
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:57 a.m.
Thursday, November 28, 2002
(Taken from Alanna's blog)
//series one - about you
---> Name: Esther, geographygirl
---> Birthdate: September 26, 1985
---> Birthplace: Mount Elizabeth Hospital, Singapore
---> Current Location: At home, Singapore
---> Eye Color: Black
---> Hair Color: Pure black
---> Righty or Lefty: Lefty
---> Zodiac Sign: Libra
---> Innie or Outtie: Both
// series two - describe
---> Your heritage: Chinese
---> The shoes you wore today: Blue and white sports shoes
---> Your hair: Reaching shoulder length
--->Your eyes: Nice, I stare at them often
---> Your weakness: I live in the past and find difficulty forgiving myself and others
---> Your fears: Dying, Ghosts, Insanity, Losing my loved ones, My loved ones never knowing how much I love them
---> Your perfect pizza: Blueberry Dessert Pizza
---> One thing you'd like to achieve: Good grades next year (at least a C in all subjects)
// series three - what is
---> Your most overused phrase on aol/aim/msn: Ok
---> Your thoughts first waking up: Time
---> The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: I don't notice just one feature. I look him up and down
---> Your best physical features: Hair, hands and legs. I'm satisfied with my body but I don't like my face too much
---> Your bedtime: Past 1 a.m.
---> Your greatest accomplishment: Council
---> Your best memory: My first kiss
// series five - do you
---> Smoke: No
---> Cuss: I try not to
---> Sing well: I believe so, but like my acting and piano, it doesn't come off well in front of people. I am pleased with my choir performance though
---> Take a shower everyday: Yes
---> Want to go to college: Yes
---> Like high school: No, but this is my fault
---> Want to get married: Yes
---> Type with your fingers on the right keys: I hit the right keys, but I use only 5 fingers and 1 thumb to type
---> Believe in yourself: Not really
---> Get motion sickness: Yes
---> Think you're attractive: Yes, just not in the face area
---> Think you're a health freak: No, although I do love running
---> Get along with your parents: Yes
---> Like thunderstorms: When I'm sleeping at home
---> Play an instrument: Yes, I play the recorder (from Primary School), piano and violin (beginner)
// series six - in the past month, did/have you
---> Drank alcohol: No
---> Smoke(d): No
---> Done a drug: No
---> Made Out: No, I don't even fully understand this term
---> Go on a date: Yes
---> Go to the mall?: Yes
---> Been on stage: No
---> Been dumped: No
---> Gone skating: No
---> Made homemade cookies: No
---> Been in love: Yes
---> Gone skinny dipping: No
---> Dyed your hair: No
---> Stolen anything: No
// series seven - have you ever?
---> Played a game that required removal of clothing?: No
---> If so, was it mixed company: ---
---> Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: No, I don't drink
---> Been caught "doing something": Yes, my brother caught me praying desperately for salvation
---> Been called a tease: No
---> Gotten beaten up: No, but I've been hit and slapped before
---> Shoplifted: I accidentally brought goods out of stores without paying before
---> If so, did you get caught: No
---> Changed who you were to fit in: Yes, but I reverted back to my original ways. Remember the time I stopped running because I wanted to fit in with my class?
// series eight - the future
---> Age you hope to be married: Before 25
---> Numbers and Names of Children: 10, I hope to have a 'xin' and/or 'wen' in their Chinese names
---> Describe your Dream Wedding: A traditional church wedding
---> What age do you want to die: I don't want to die
---> What do you want to be when you grow up: Writer, Secretary, Journalist, Researcher
---> What country would you most like to visit: Australia
---> Current Clothes: My favourite blue Pooh Pajamas
---> Current Mood: Tired
---> Current Taste: Yeo's Lemon Barley Drink
---> Current Hair: Down, long and straight
---> Current Annoyance: So much work and so little time and energy
---> Current Smell: Clean air
---> Current thing you ought to be doing: Sleeping
---> Current Desktop Picture: A black and white pic of a snow-capped mountain, bridge, clear lake and forests. Brilliant
---> Current Book: 8 Days. No mood to read a book
---> Current VCR In Player: No mood to watch VCDs. The only thing I watch is The Unbeatables III
---> Current Worry: That I will suffer from not getting enough sleep every night
---> Current Crush: DW
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:14 p.m.
Thursday, November 28, 2002
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Esther is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of hers Xin Yi. So everyone please put your hands together for Esther!
Jerry: Okay, now Esther you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
You: De Wen.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well De Wen, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Esther, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... Raining!
You: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere you pull out a Laser. Raining reaches for the Bed. Out of the shadows Yexiang appears.
Yexiang: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here Raining.
Raining: Because I saw Esther and Yexiang making out at Coffee Bean!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
Yexiang: That's a lie! I was home watching The Simpsons!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem Raining?
Raining: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Xin Yi who has recently become engaged to Yexiang.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Xin Yi out here because Esther had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... De Wen that's right!
Xin Yi: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with De Wen! You know I'm how I feel about De Wen!.
Yexiang: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with De Wen!
Xin Yi: Because I knew that I could never have De Wen. But Esther promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Yexiang: What about respect for MY feelings!
Raining walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Xin Yi.
Raining: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
Yexiang: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
Yexiang runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.
Yexiang: Esther take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
Yexiang: Married?
You nod.
Yexiang: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to De Wen.
Xin Yi: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
De Wen: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 7 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Esther is married to De Wen who Xin Yi has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Xin Yi has recently become engaged to Yexiang who was recently spotted kissing Esther in the Coffee Bean. Now on top of this Raining has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Xin Yi.
De Wen: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.
Taken from http://www.sause.net/Springer/Springer-female.html
(Well if I get to marry DW in the end it can't be too bad can it?)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:55 a.m.
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
-FINALLY- I have finished updating. The blogs are done. I couldn't help crying when I saw 52 mails in one of my e-mail accounts today. I'm not looking at them yet. I will finish up the blog part by doing up the following quizzes and surveys over the next few days and clear my mail and write up my Hong Kong report as well as work on a 'How to defeat Esther in lamity' piece done at the stone bench early this morning. DW's awfully excited about this piece. Little does he know the emotions that went into it and the massive scratching and breaking of the skin on my arm following that. (I really don't blame him. I just sigh and move on. He already deserves commendation for being so tolerant and supportive and he tries so hard to understand but sometimes he just acts like a guy. Because he is one although a very sensitive one at that. I'm a fortunate girl.)
Depression hit me in the face like a tidal wave on the way home from Leadership Training camp and somehow I couldn't pick up again. Even the Follow Me Marvel Gel smelled strongly of toxic sweetness, the kind that wraps you up in layers and layers of white fuming plumes and drinks you until you disappear, and all that's left is a intestinal-lookalike brain squash. As I was looked for the image I wanted for this blog the happy faces of the people smiling up in their fixed smiles taunted and I could not bear to see another couple photograph. No more pictures of people in each other's arms. I was surprised. I did not think I would not even fake being happy. I knew my 'Hey' to my brother meant something was wrong when he came up and shouted a greeting. I said 'Hey' for politeness, which is something I NEVER do to my brother. Although my mother tried to joke with me I only responded politely and unenthusiastically and ate very little although I was hungry. I dropped the pear in the curry and refused to eat the fruits. Good thing this behaviour doesn't happen to me very often and my family could see I was upset so they didn't say a word about it. DW was nice to call and we talked for a while online and offline and I told him my eyes had shed too many tears and were dry and stinging, but after I put my phone down I started sobbing in the darkness and writhed on the bed in an effort to control the pain as the chest started hurting continuously.
Please pray for me. I haven't been getting enough sleep (my fault really) so I'm going to sleep now as I'm meeting DW at 8.30a.m.. tomorrow then probably going to Orchard Library to study after he goes for his church meeting. I've been quite sick physically and suffering from physical hurts including the chest, knee (especially) and back, not forgetting the most recent one, the heel. The depression is also quite overwhelming, made worse by the fact that I haven't been as nice as I normally am and am not even able to share the problems with other people.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:36 p.m.
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
Sigh. I rushed home to my computer but still didn't manage to read Nat's entry before she deleted it. Serves me right for not being updated enough. :( Hope you're ok Nat.
I think I should get updated with everyone now.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:35 p.m.
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Another ambiguous poem. I wish I could stop crying.
Cry
If I never see you for a thousand years
If I never hear the song of your voice
Nor run my fingers along the smooth blackness of your skin
Smell the lingering fragrance of your presence
Taste the sweetness of your wine
Will you remember me?
If the gulf was wide between us
And the mountains high in their frostiness
The seas drowning in confused misery
The rivers spilling tears of disturbed pain
Will you forget the joy we shared?
Would you forget to love
If our bodies were as far as the western mountains
If meeting was impossible
If your desires could never be satisfied
If all hope was gone?
Will I ever become a distant memory
The faint speck of what was but could not be
A teardrop that never became a pond?
Will I
Drown in the abyss of forgetfulness
Sink through the murkiness
The hellish chasm of neglect?
If I vanish into nothingness
Will all that surrounds me fade into insignificance
And I drift away
Down
Down
Down
Forever?
Will you not love me as you used to if I stopped existing?
I'm having a mental block.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:29 p.m.
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Today is the 26th - Layout Day. I have not forgotten. In fact I have been brainstorming and working on various designs for a long time. What I have finally decided on is what you see. I have decided for what I consider this new layout to retain the same colour scheme as the old. I will also keep the words 'Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze'. I consider this a new layout though because of the slight difference in the text and the addition of an image. The text and image have been chosen carefully but like in many of my poems I dislike distinct clarity. Try to understand the hidden meaning and connections and comment if you like.
I am deeply distressed.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 08:56 p.m.
Sunday, November 24, 2002
I don't want to work anymore.
I hate myself.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:26 p.m.
Sunday, November 24, 2002
Got this from plhu's blog:
Which Piercing are you?
What fairy tale cliche are you?
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you are "the heroine", you kick ass chick you. if you're a guy and you got this, buff up a little hey?
What type of manga are you?
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you are "shoujo". girly girl doth become you.
Which GLAY member are you?
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You're Teru!
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:05 a.m.
Saturday, November 23, 2002
Eek...I left the computer at 4.21a.m. and came back online at 10.48a.m.. I am still not anywhere near getting updated!
Well at least I managed to get some things done. I have been working at quite high efficiency but yet not compromising on quality (which means that I still read each blog carefully and repeatedly if I have to). The e-mails are NEARLY done, with just about 10 of them left to read. (Jillz, I'm ok, did I ever get to replying your e-mail? I think not! :( I will try, and I will do your quiz soon.) I am going to settle some council business on the train.
I usually go down my list of links to read the blogs but I stay very long at Alanna's 'cos she has links to a lot of other blogs that I read (namely plhu, De Wen, Ailin, lucius, tash, Raining and Mark). So far I've read blogs from Alanna, DW, lucius (haven't read comments yet though), tash, Raining and Mark, and the private blog, and posted an entry there too.
I am viewing this in a very work-like manner, a very Esther way. I'm obsessive, I say.
Today is going to be a busy day. I'm meeting DW at 12.45p.m. for lunch (and it's 12.20p.m. already! -screams-) then I'll be heading to LTF 3p.m. followed by dinner with the LTF people after that, following which I'll have to settle some Sunday School matters with Lin Min for TOMORROW's workshop. -screams more-
But it will be fun. -grin- Even if I'm getting a headache.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:12 p.m.
Saturday, November 23, 2002
I'm home! I feel like I'm on a turbulent plane at the moment and my stomach is growling but I'm ready to get updated with everyone else and all that I've been missing out on. A pity the
Friday Five is down until December.
Chat with DW: Check (-grin-)
Sms: Check
Blogs
HK Report
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:38 a.m.
Friday, November 22, 2002
If there's anything I'm going to be thankful for, I'm thankful that I can RUN.
I don't know why this message is so important to me, but DW if you read this, I couldn't sms you this morning because I spoilt my dad's phone early this morning, which means I didn't receive any of the messages you sent late last night and today either.
I'm leaving HK soon, so I've got to rush. It's 7.20p.m. now and my plane leaves at 7.50p.m. which means I've got to report at the gate even earlier. (Thank God I can type quickly and thank God for this Internet service even though it's located miles away from my gate.)
The plane will touch down in Singapore at 11.30p.m. and I'll probably be back home at 12.30a.m.. Wait for me if you want. I hope you do. (I will sms from my own phone when I'm home.)
Boy will I be glad to be home.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 07:18 p.m.
Thursday, November 21, 2002
I'm in Harbour City, Tsim Sha Tsui, Hong Kong now using the free 1/2 hour Internet service. Hello world. :)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 04:31 p.m.
Saturday, November 16, 2002
Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 02:48 p.m.
Saturday, November 16, 2002
I do wonder what is the purpose of using profane expressions when they do nothing to bring across the basic idea except by adding offensive and unsuitable language to one's site. I've edited the language and left all the vulgarities out but you can see the original version by visiting the link below.
The Friday Five
1. It's Friday finally. What are you drinking?
I drank Lime Juice yesterday because it was sour and stimulating, because I was feeling tired and a little sick.
2. Are you going out with any this weekend? Who is the lucky one?
I went out with DW yesterday and we had a wonderful time at Orchard Road watching the Christmas decorations and walking the quiet (and less well-known) stores.
3. Tell Heather you love her in a creative way.
Love can be shown in many ways, and I've been blessed to experience the more creative ones (e.g. handphone snakes contorted into heart-shaped forms and customized heart picture messages) but love does not need to be expressed, and the things that touch me the most are not repetitive 'I love you's or conventional romantic squeezes but simple gestures of self-sacrifice and initiative. A call, a card, a letter or a gift means the most, although the rest add variety. An occasional 'I love you' means a lot, at least to me. I always said I liked someone to come out with his feelings but ultimately we have different ways of expressing our feelings and if we can see beyond the simple gestures to the emotions that lie within, then we can truly appreciate the love for what it is.
4. What's the best movie you've ever seen?
A Walk To Remember is still my favourite choice, with its heart-rending tale of service to God and community and love between father and daughter, and lovers, existent beyond the harshness of terminal illness.
5. So what are you doing this weekend?
I'm not exactly sure. I don't like watching movies on weekends because they mean increased prices, and I've spent my entire weekend's money on yesterday. I think going online would be a good idea, and I still have two books to read. Throw in some chocolate, and a little violin and piano, or maybe -gasp- some holiday homework/revision/academic reading and that's my weekend. There's church too.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:48 p.m.
Friday, November 15, 2002
One Last Wish -
A Time To Die (Lurlene McDaniel)
I've been quite absorbed in the One Last Wish series throughout the holidays and have been going on a One Last Wish marathon. So far I've read 8 out of the 12 books and will be starting on two books by the same author though not in the One Last Wish series. They are companions: Angels Watching Over Me and its sequel Lifted Up By Angels. I hope to continue reading One Last Wish as well as the book after Lifted Up By Angels, Until Angels Close My Eyes. I've been telling DW the One Last Wish stories, quoting different parts of the book from memory or finding passages to read to him. The books have really touched me in many ways, combining seriousness (e.g. the gravity of illness) and fun (the ways the children don't let their illness stop them from enjoying life and what it has to offer). Besides that, it also demonstrates love, between friends, family and lovers and vividly traces the emotions surrounding illness and dealing with it. The language and description of scenes in these books are beautiful and lyrical, presenting hope and optimism in even the most dire of situations. The following are some quotes from A Time To Die.
"We come into this world with nothing,and when we leave, we can't take anything with us. I guess all we can do is leave behind our memories of what we shared. Love is more than a warm fuzzy feeling. I think it's being totally committed to something that the heart finds precious. Each one of you was precious to me. Remember, friends are friends forever. Please stay in touch with each other if you can. Never forget me." (16 year old Kara Fischer in her letter, read out to her family and friends after her death)
"But it's a beautiful day," she cried, hugging her arms to herself. "A beautiful day to be alive. Life is full of surprises, you know." (Kara Fischer) "In case you haven't noticed, Miss Fischer, it's raining." (Vince Chapman) "Liquid sunshine. It's all in your perspective, you know." (Kara Fischer, when she was allowed a four hour pass out of the hospital to enjoy herself.
"I think it's lousy. Don't you ever get angry about having CF?" (Eric Lawrence) "Sure I do. But it doesn't change it. Besides, it's a part of me....It's like being born with brown hair. Or blue eyes. Having CF isn't something a person has a choice about." (Kara Fischer) I know it's not your fault you're sick. (Eric Lawrence) "It's just something that happens to a person. I mean, I could have been born to other parents. But then I wouldn't be me, would I?" (Kara Fischer, on Thanksgiving Friday, when she was released from the hospital for the holiday weekend, talking to Eric on her having to return to the hospital the following Monday)
"We decided that everybody suffers one way or another at some point in their lives. Nobody gets away scot-free. Suffering is just something people have to do -a kind of dues paying for the privilege of living and being happy.And sometimes it seems to me until you know the one -suffering- you can't know the other -happiness. It's like they play off each other. Do you know what I mean?" (Kara Fischer) "I understand, but I don't know why you have to suffer so much and someone else -someone who's a jerk or a creep -like a murderer- doesn't seem to suffer much at all." (Eric Lawrence) "There you go again,... You're asking that life be 'fair'. Nobody knows how much anybody else hurts. We can't walk around in another person's skin -not even for a moment. Sometimes, people reach out, and that's really special. But we just have to look for hpapiness in each day, no matter what's happening to us." (Kara Fischer, that same Thanksgiving, telling Eric about a conversation between herself and Vince, her close friend and fellow CF-victim)
"Are you happy now?" (Eric Lawrence) "Yes. I'm happy now." (Kara Fischer, on the same day)
"I'm so happy! Isn't life wonderful?" (Kara Fischer, during the four hour pass out of the hospital, mentioned earlier)
It wasn't about you, Eric. It was about Kara. It was about caring for her enough to show up and reach out to everybody else. Stop thinking about yourself, for once. Stop thinking about how much you hurt, and start thinking about how much we hurt." (Vince Chapman, telling Eric why he should have come for Kara's funeral despite his hurt, at Kara's grave at Christmas, a few days after her death)
"She wanted to speak to all of them, but she couldn't. She wished they could read her mind. She would have told them, 'I'm all right. Let me go.' She wished for peace -for them, and for herself. She knew how lucky she was to have such wonderful people in her life. Even her mysterious friend, the benefactor who had allowed her the joy of giving back what others had given to her. / On the other side of her room, the lights on her Christmas tree glittered, piercing the darknened gloom with shimmering color. The delicate tree-top angel ornament appeared to be standing on the red heart-shaped pillow, and seemed to be beckoning to her. Kara watched the angel and felt peace settle over her spirit." (Kara Fischer, just before she died.)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 10:19 a.m.
Thursday, November 14, 2002
Monday
Went to get my braces tightened. My teeth hurt a lot for the next few days which was good and bad. On one hand eating was very difficult and even just living normally was not particularly pleasant because there was a pain. On the other hand constant pressing pain can be quite enjoyable and this gives me opportunity to inflict greater pain on myself (without scarring/marks) simply by clenching my teeth. My teeth still feel pressured now and there's a bit of pain every time I put on my bands (and on the other side relief when I take off my bands) but they're getting better and I actually made it through my LJS chicken pieces lunch.
Watched Possession with DW. Ms. Lim says it's a great movie, and I should read the book, which won a Booker Prize. The Booker Prize is awarded to literary greats and is criticised by lit lit people, professors and all. It's awarded to books which may very well survive a long time as a literary great. Possession the book came out in 1990 and has resurfaced.
Tuesday
Had an argument with DW about the most trivial thing: sleeping in. It turns out that there were a lot more values at stake on this particular subject but what pissed me off the most was that (a) he got angry with me and (b) he, like my GP tutor questioned something that was a part of me i.e. accepting people. I said I accepted people for who they are but I got angry with certain things they do but he insisted I have to learn to forgive and to accept. It ended with me crying and hurting really badly and forcing myself to stay up late and afterward self-injuring. I only stayed up until just past midnight though. Somehow my body clock works in a way that I feel tired at 10+ and wake up naturally before 8 the next day.
I got my new spectacles which are blue and oval and what I chose despite my mother and brother preferring the other one. I think this new one makes me look fresher instead of like some drab office girl, and it's a change from the old one. Strangely though, no one seemed to notice except Xin Yi, but I didn't mind anyway because I don't notice spectacles either. Unless it's a change from thin glasses to thick glasses (re: Mr. Yeow's) or vice versa, or a wearing of spectacles by someone who doesn't normally wear specs, I wouldn't notice. Something like a change of colour from green to blue wouldn't be noticed by me. But I love my specs, and I love the shade of blue. :) I also went out to NTUC and took a risk (which worked) by putting a lot of chocolates into my mother's shopping basket. BTW I love soft-centred sweets.
Wednesday
I was mulling over the argument the previous night and when I do, I dissect the whole thing and somehow see a lot more meaning in what the other party said. You may recall that in the case of the GP tutor fiasco I only started being angry a while after the argument when I thought about what she said and realised the implications of certain actions. DW was being normal, I think, but I couldn't bring myself to even fake a smile. What happened was I was feeling sad to myself, then I saw him walking on the overhead bridge to pick me up and somehow I only managed a tight forced smile and a small mumbled 'hi' and had to look away and keep my thoughts to myself because I was very close to crying. Later, I refused to have breakfast, but accepted a cup of Ribena and spent most of the morning trying to do my Maths in order to distract me. I was being difficult though and after hinting a few times without a satisfactory response and after he gave advice about my trivial problems (I told him my trivial problems in order to hint about something deeper) I just got irritated and asked him to leave, and after he refused to leave for awhile (I was very fierce and angry by then) I got up, packed my things and walked off. In my recollection there is only one other time I did something like that, which was the second and last time (before this) that I went mad, screams, crying, ugly red blotchy face and all. (And when I do go mad, the person who's mad at me or whom I'm mad at gets really scared.)
I tried to do Maths for a while but didn't have much success because I was very tired so I laid my head on the table and fell asleep, then I met a girl who had come into the LT for something and actually managed to give a friendly smile and offer some help, then vacate the LT with a nice goodbye. After that I went to the computer lab. All the time I was wasting sms by replying rudely because I was quite frankly irritated. DW came a while later and then somehow after an initial awkwardness we made peace.
I did a phenomenal thing. I skipped Maths lecture. I haven't skipped (whether legitimately or not) in weeks. Somehow I've disciplined myself not to, that despite whatever depression I'm facing I'll still go out and conquer the lectures. But I've been feeling demoralised by the Maths lectures, and I just went into a whole 'I don't want to go don't want to go' mood. Suyun smsed me to help her sign her attendance since she was skipping but I couldn't because I wasn't even going for the lecture. I guess that was good in a certain way. I don't like being pressured into doing something. I skipped the lecture also because that day hadn't been a good one (what with the argument) and it was made worse because I was feeling immensely hungry, couldn't eat fast because my teeth were hurting and ended up not finishing my food because the lecture was starting. Later I ended up being late for the lecture and given all that had happened earlier I just didn't want to go in anymore even though there were people streaming in late. I didn't do much though besides rest (because I really wasn't feeling well) because I was feeling guilty for not going. The guilt hasn't gone yet which is good because it gives me assurance of my well-trained conscience and I'm going to go for every lecture. Si Jia's planning on skipping every alternate lecture and today only two of us out of our entire class was there at the lecture. I think there is a reason the lecture venue was changed from LT3 to the AVT. The AVT can surprisingly (or perhaps not so) accomodate THREE faculties (Arts, S6, S7) of remedial students.
I went for CNY informal. Run Yan was wondering why I was so happy the whole time, which was surprising because I wasn't even smiling and I was keeping to myself. It was great having lunch and discussing stuff with the CNY people. Because I have been having trouble with food lately I decided to eat just what I felt like eating instead of what was conventionally healthy so I went for strawberry custard crepe (yum!) and japanese blueberry and chocolate cake (don't know what's that called). It seemed like I was eating dessert but since I didn't feel like eating a whole meal for lunch I just decided to eat that. I'm still having trouble wanting to eat and finishing my food even though I do feel hungry to the point of gastric pangs.
After CNY informal I went to watch the Touch Rugby match at Yio Chu Kang stadium. The quarter finals to finals were held on one day and despite the rain the matches were still enjoyable. Since it was the first time for me watching a Touch Rugby match it was certainly an eye-opener. HC defeated NJ (quarter finals) and JJ (finals). DW's friend Kim was in the SA team. Kim's a really nice girl. Really really nice. She has a nice mellow voice too only it can get a bit too soft to hear. Touch Rugby looks pretty boring at first because it seems so hard to beat - there are 6 players on each team (I think) in one line and the players have to get the ball past their opponents and score a touchdown, but I like the speed and the teamwork involved. It seems that the game wasn't very widely-popularised because only the teams involved were there ('A', 'B' and 'C' divisions). The team was quite touched that DW and I came to support - we were two loners at the stand. Then we took the MRT back home and sat at Yishun for a while to talk. The talk was quite good, at least a few things managed to be trashed out. Somehow I still think about the argument we had (I don't know if he does) but I was pretty hurt by it and even though I can feel happy and joke around with him I still remember the pain.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 07:05 p.m.
Thursday, November 14, 2002
(Taken from tash's blog)
Take the What Sex Position Are You? test by Ley Ley
All the best for the exams to those taking their As and Os!
Take care Jillz. I look forward to seeing your pics!
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 06:53 p.m.
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
http://www.hal-9000.net/wwwboard/messages/1/1/113028.html
Title pic: I'm hurting.
AS2
AUTUMN SONG
Stop this, daddy. I'm hurting too bad. (One Last Wish: Please Don't Die)
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:40 a.m.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
I'm acting stupid again. What do I do when I act stupid?
Well in this case I cry and constrict until I can't take it anymore and ask the other party in the argument to stop talking and then while I'm nursing a headache instead of going straight to bed to rest I stay online and read. Sometimes after that I self-injure. I do the master self-injuring, the ultimate one, the one that injures the most.
DW and I had an argument today. Besides that, Jeremy also told me that he never liked me. That I wasn't worth it. I understand the logic behind breaking up my relationship among other consequences. Considering he hated him and thought I wasn't worth it he broke up my relationship with him. One would think that if I wasn't worth it I would have brought more hell to him and better satisfied his wish to hurt both of us but he was smart enough to break us up so he hurt both of us even more by making us feed on sadness and anger. And Jeremy had the audacity to tell me about a girl he liked too. I'm not about to go into another 'I hate guys' tirade.
Besides, I couldn't understand Maths. Mr. Yeow was going too fast for me, and Si Jia tried explaining numerous times but I still couldn't get it. After school I saw Mr. Yeow again to get him to explain certain concepts but it still took a while before I finally understood. I was about to start crying and give up ('Never mind. I'll just remember that I have to multiply') but he was patient ('No, you have to understand why') and after working with me for a while I FINALLY got it.
People are taking 'S' papers here and there. I shouldn't be getting frustrated. I'm just upset that I could have got an 'S' paper if I'd appealed. But then again the reason for my not appealing was so that I'd have more time for my other subjects. Perhaps.
I wonder why no one's commenting. But I've already gotten over that phase. I'm starting to feel apathetic towards certain situations. I must accept the things I cannot change.
I want to thank Nat for being here for me tonight. You sounded a tad didactic but it was good advice, and you were a good friend. Thanks for helping me discover a few things about myself and for comforting me and helping me go through tonight.
Please check out the newly completed council website.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:23 p.m.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
I wonder if I'll ever stop crying.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 09:16 p.m.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
How about 2 eye-related quizzes?
(Taken off lucius's blog)
What Eyes Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
(Taken off Chooi Mei's blog)
What Color Eyes Should You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
Church was good on Sunday. Our assistant pastor was speaking on the topic ‘Is There A Heaven?’ and it was interesting to note that there isn’t just one heaven. There are THREE heavens, namely, the atmosphere, the universe and the invisible heaven where God resides. I didn’t know that, but apparently that little bit of information was not some revolutionary new concept that someone had coined out because when I told my dad he knew about it too. Apparently the apostle Paul went up to the third heaven. I couldn’t helped seeing the foolishness of the people who wanted to build the Babel tower to reach heaven because if the third heaven was outside the universe, there would be no way any human could reach it by himself. For all we know, the third heaven may possibly be in a different dimension.
We’re now having Lily instead of Veronica as our Sunday School teacher. Lily’s younger and newly married as compared to Veronica, whose eldest daughter is one year older than the rest of us, so perhaps she can provide fresh new insight into whatever she’s teaching. We’re moving from Choices to The Basics and what is taught is now a lot more technical. We’re learning even the Hebrew and Greek names of different collections of the books of the Bible (e.g. the first five books are known as the Pentateuch). It is interesting to note that the books of the Bible are not arranged in a chronological fashion, rather, they are classified into collections e.g. Books of Law. Hence, we have the minor prophets from A to Z: Amos to Zechariah, instead of Malachi, which is the final book in the Old Testament.
(I’m disturbed with the slightest trivialities. Things have to be in order. The whole world has to be constructed using parallel and perpendicular lines. Sometimes I have to stop myself in the middle of whatever I’m doing to adjust my mind. Sometimes if things get too disordered in front of me, I have to rearrange them in my mind and psyche my mind to believe that everything is straight even when it isn’t.)
Sunday School has lost its closeness somehow. We’re still huddling around in a cosy circle on chairs or cushions in a nice room but everything’s so much more formal now. The teachers are different. Back when Sunday School was conducted by Selina Ho and Selina Lim, everyone could talk even after Sunday School was over. Now, there’s very little sharing and very little interaction. There’s just a short session of ‘sharing’, then prayer and the lesson, which is mostly conducted by the teacher. I’m not blaming the teachers here, but I’m just saying things are different. Even I don’t joke much anymore, and the joke I cracked that Sunday was something new. In the past, the first week of the month was for sharing alone but now we only get a few minutes at the beginning of the lesson before we start. There’s not much time after Sunday School as well to share. All we do is talk when we wear our shoes and walk about, because then everyone goes his/her own ways, to the Service and Youth choirs, to Second Service, or home. Rachel and I go out to eat or go home and it’s then that we really share, but even then it isn’t much. Rachel’s someone I can really talk to and not feel embarrassed, and she’s one person with whom I can have fun.
On Sunday, I went out with Xin Yi while Rachel went to Junction 8 to meet up with her friend. At Boon Lay MRT station, I met Wen Jie. We made casual conversation, but somehow there wasn’t any closeness anymore. Maybe it was just me, but I could sense an underlying sadness in her, a kind of distancing. Maybe it’s because I told her I was going to meet Xin Yi. Wen Jie did ask me quite a few times to go out with her to the beach or anywhere else but I turned her down. People have been asking me out or to take part in various activities and camps, but I’ve been quite careful about making commitments because it cost me a lot to lay down my commitments. I received the e-mail about NeoPets being in Singapore on the 16th and 17th but I don’t even know if I want to go. I don’t want to go back and do something I’ve quit, and somehow in the light of all that I have to do and all I’m currently interested in doing, NeoPets seems unimportant. It’s become something of the past.
Violin was good. For once I practised before the lesson and it helped. I should really practise more because just that little effort will yield better results. It’s tiring though. While practising the piano is enjoyable, practising the violin tires my limbs. After violin, I met my ex-piano teacher who could hardly recognize me. It was great talking about the class I’d left and my classmates, as well as the things we discussed. I remember all of them: the sisters Christabel and Isabel, Clarabelle (the third belle), Minghui, Michelle and Verna. I remember the classroom and where we used to sit. I remember the nonsense, the talking, the pranks, the handwriting, the music and the tests. I remember the smiles. I remember the whole class getting 66/100 for Grade 7 Theory (66% happens to be the passing mark, and my teacher nearly fainted when she saw all the grades, afraid that someone wouldn’t make it. I got 70 and my teacher was so elated she thought I got 80). I remember Domenico, the Italian guy I’d coined up who’d fallen in love with my teacher and would drop origami birds into her bag the moment her back was turned. I remember folding birds secretly in class. I remember dropping the folded birds in her bag with everyone holding their breaths along with me. I remember turning on the radio in the middle of the lesson. I remember my teacher’s little hits. I remember the smiles. I remember the lot of us identifying the instruments in a piece and the way my teacher used to be so energetic and scream “Tutti!’ in excitement when all the instruments would come in. I remember the cat face my teacher demonstrated only once. I remember crying in class when I couldn't understand how to do my work. I remember my jokes and my nonsense. I remember walking with Minghui to the bus, and what a good Christian she was.
I got back my Grade 8 Theory results. 76% was something I was very happy with and my teacher praised me. From what I remember, I got 11/15 for the first two sections and 20/25 for the comprehension section. ^_^ I remember also a certain dialogue with my teacher.
Me: I wish I could take Diploma.
Her: So when are you coming back to continue piano? A Diploma requires a lot of practice.
Me: Sigh. I don’t even have the time to practise violin.
Her: -shocked- Then how do you learn it?
Me: -grin- Talent.
Her: -smile- I like that attitude.
I was surprised that I could come up with that, but then certain people bring out the more pleasant humour in me. -wink-
I went out with De Wen yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised that he’d bought rice cakes for breakfast because I haven’t eaten them for a very long time and it was something I’d told him a long time ago that I liked. Unfortunately, somehow I managed to get 7 insect bites on my legs alone during breakfast in the canteen and ran to the council room to get some calamine lotion to slather on my legs. The tremendous itching has stopped, but the bites are still big and red.
I worked on the council website contents while De Wen went for his physical training. The workout is quite daunting, consisting of pull-ups, a thirty minute run and a walk up and down the steps. But “Keep the faith” (The Legacy: Making Wishes Come True by Lurlene McDaniel).
I’ll continue later. I need to go for Maths Remedial now.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 12:56 p.m.
Sunday, November 10, 2002
I don't really talk to my friends nowadays. I mean, I do share my problems sometimes, but I feel I'm not sharing enough. Nowadays I'd rather people tell me their problems. It's not because I don't have any, but rather there's no point. I'm wallowing in depression. As my GP tutor says, "We've been down this road before."
Leave me be. Please leave me be.
(It's so easy to push people away. Yet I wonder why I just can't bring myself to. Why I can't just slit my wrists. I think about it all the time and I remember that this life isn't mine to take. You know, after a while, people just stop listening to you. After pushing them away for a while they they leave. Humans disappoint me. This world was never meant for me. You think I'm trying to be superior here?)
I banged down the phone on you today. Stop thinking about me. Just leave me alone. Everyone, please, leave me alone. I'm walking myself straight to the sea.
And I wonder why I want everyone to be around at the same time as I want them to leave. SELFISH me.
Autumn leaves blew along life's breeze 11:49 p.m.
Saturday, November 9, 2002
